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Excellent video. Waiting and hoping my wife would return as she's a lovely human being and I know she's not motivated by malice.

Your content always helps and inspires me thank you thank you!

Fearful avoidants are selfish, manipulative, weak, hypocrites with no self reflection skills… just awful

Did your husband by chance have a former history of FA etc or trauma that helped him be so understanding? I think all souls meet for a reason. I believe I was FA long ago and after final trauma of divorce and 6 years introspection am now secure. I know someone who I believe is FA and would like them to know I understand what they are going through. Any suggestions how to broach this assumption of they are unaware of the attachment style…. Thank you. Fantastic video and honesty! Cheers

How do you even come up with these things? Genius 👌🏻

Nice video. Paulien, just want to say the gaze in your eyes is something different. The lights are on and somebody's home. I noticed in my ex FA and many others i've talked to they have a look in their eyes that seems lost at some level. Emotional repression is a thing and the eyes are the windows to the soul. Yours is alive and radiating life. Thank you for healing. You do your current/next partner a huge favour. The destruction unhealed avoidants bring upon their discarded partners is....unimaginable on an emotional level.

Yep.....she said "no deep connection" but could not even describe what a deep connection was. After we had a wonderful holiday, the slow fade accelerated and discarded all within 6 months. And the post discard nonsense of breadcrumbing and mixed messages, don't even get me started. At the end of the day avoidants are imo the most emotionally unaware people you'll ever know. No internal processing or reflection occurs. Nothing can describe the pain.

14:58 SO TRUE! It starts with us

your videos have helped me feel less alone, it truly means so much. please know that your videos truly help people

Thank you ❤

What about when factors for you running from a mostly healthy relationship aren’t just about your own internal issues but also have to do with lack of progression in the relationship? We were together for nearly 7 years and I told him marriage and family were important to me. I was the only one trying to work toward and prioritize our future in terms of practical matters (finances, family planning, etc) and I felt like he was dragging his feet, not making an effort and acting too much like my dad who made my mom do all the work in their marriage. He never treated me badly but I felt exploited and that he was not looking out for my best long term interests by not progressing our relationship. We lived together for a few months and it brought up all my baggage and had a ton of anxiety because I felt I put more effort than him at home while he coasted. I started withdrawing indulging in fantasy/limerence I had with someone from my past to cope with the negative feelings. I know now that was not a healthy reaction but I was under a ton of pressure at the time and when I tried to communicate with him he would get frustrated or angry. I do sometimes feel like I sabotaged our relationship because we loved each other and except for the issues I mentioned he treated me well but I just couldn’t get past the resentment of the unequal division of labour and lack of progression to marriage.

I was dating an amazing, healthy secure man (who had been through a divorce a few years prior to us meeting) and I emotionally shutdown after I misinterpreted something he said as a rejection (in hindsight I can’t believe how much anxiety warped my perception because that is not at all what happened) I had a trauma flashback and became cold, distant, critical etc, and he seemed spooked and unsure and I think it triggered him, he ended up breaking it off saying it wasn’t healthy for us to continue and he ‘didn’t develop any feelings’ which made me then question my own reality, I genuinely thought the connection was so strong and intense that he must have developed feelings as I did, it led me down a spiral of dissociation and more trauma for about 4 months afterwards where I kept blaming myself, I was a self aware FA and knew what was happening as I shutdown but I didn’t communicate it to him so he had no idea what happened, and he also didn’t try to talk to me about it either, just slowly distanced himself and then broke it off If I had just asked for some time and space to get back to normal the whole thing could have been avoided, I think ultimately after the experience of his divorce he became very sensitive to emotional turbulence and instability

Can you elaborate on the comment that happy marriages on average have 5 problems you can’t solve?

Paulien your honesty and rawness is to be admired. I think my poor ex had Perfectionism, FA , potentially OCD , anxiety and depression. If only she was more aware of these things I could have understood and helped her a bit better. It must be so debilitating. I’m not perfect myself. I get depressed and have social anxiety, fear of abandonment etc. Childhood trauma sucks. I still love my FA ex. I hope she is doing okay

To all FAs here, is this a good way to help you if your partner shares this information with you? I’m finding myself on the other side of another huge fight where he just stormed out. The fight was started out of nothing (but I now see that it’s because the evening did not go as he had it all planned in his head) and then it escalated into him listing all my perceived flaws and character defects as well as every single time I had hurt him (unintentionally as I love him dearly) the last couple days. He knows he has avoidant tendencies but he doesn’t know his attachment style. Should I share this with him? Or will it trigger him even more? As of now I don’t even know if we’re still together as he refused to clearly break up with me when he left just saying he did not have “clarity” yet. Would this help him? Would this help us? I’m very confused and sad as things were going great before that. There had just been one previous episode but that was because my own insecurities had been very much triggered too and I got super emotional (I’m anxious working towards becoming more secure). This time around I stayed understanding, open to dialogue and level-headed the whole time. I’d love to have a chance to at least have a conversation about what happened with him but don’t know what is the best thing to do? Do you FAs reach out after a fight once you’ve had a couple days to yourself? He’s going through some rough times in his life and I know he’s also very overwhelmed and has a hard time asking for help as he hates to depend on people.

Perfect. This is the last thing I'm struggling with right now i think. Only trauma cuz other parts seems heal.

I broke up with my girlfriend last year, it was our second attempt at a relationship. I had learned about being a fearful avoidant after the first break up and wanted to try again. But I wasn't ready to really look at myself and do the work that was needed to heal. Now I've learned a lot about being an FA and I've been doing the healed and happy course, which has been helping a lot. But with every step forward there's always a whole bunch of guilt that I wasn't able to do this in the relationship. She was so kind and loving and understanding. But I felt bored and unsure and was terrified to bring up any of the problems I was having, even though we had agreed to work on them. Thank you for these videos Paulien, they're saving my life one upload at a time.

I'm so happy you discovered this at such a young age. Took me literally 50 years to see the patterns and trauma. Thank you for your videos of truth.

I wish avoidents would heal themselves before getting into relationships. There is a lot at stake when it comes to relationships.

I just learned I was an FA after opening up my marriage and going the ENM route. I thought he would be better without me , I felt bored and was fault finding with him. Then I got into a very chaotic toxic relationship with an avoidant that made me super anxious and I realized the grass isn’t greener and I have to work on myself.

I feel like you just understand me perfectly. My fiance is such a good person and I am still struggling! It’s so frustrating.

Worshipping a human is a good way to break them and you both. But when one million romance novels abound in women’s life, one might believe fantasy should be reality……..soul mate is bullshit, you can be a helpmate but that would require honesty humility and conscientiousness……..if we had those things in the majority and media then this country wouldn’t be in the sad shape it is……you cannot own another soul just share life with it. People do the same things with animals cause they can’t leave. I’ve grown up, nice glad you said it that way.

The best thing that happened to me this year was finding your channel. Tysm for all your helpful videos and as a fearful avoidant I really appreciate your existence <3

Great video- i agree with a lot of what you've said- keep it up you're doing a great job to help the world heal

After about 2 years of stressing that my lady is the wrong person and I’m not attracted to her, annoyed by her, bored by her, etc, I’m finally feeling so much peace and so grateful for her. She has always treated me respectfully and I can trust her 💯. Takes a while to heal but I didn’t want to end up like my friends who are getting near 40 and still going through girls like toilet paper

I have a question: limerence or feeling "in love" with someone else, you said this is normal and the couples you interviewed all said crushes and attraction is normal as well.. but then aren't these signs of an unhealed FA? Would any sort of limerence/crushes go away once healed? Or is this considered normal even when healed and no deeper meaning than being human? I thought this meant that you were looking to be saved for find validation etc. Thank you so much

Another very insightful video. Pauline you’ve helped me so much and I’m now engaged and in a loving healthy relationship ❤

Is anyone ready to talk about the effects hormonal birth control have on a woman’s mind ?

❤

Yes, I can relate to this. It is very confusing to be in space! When I feel this I wonder if there’s some thing wrong with me, I wonder if this person just isn’t the one for me, or what? I experienced it in multiple relationships. Thanks for the info about the fearful avoidant style of attachment. I’m gonna look into that more.

Thank You!!

The thing I most appreciate from this video is that I do accept the FA who I met for where they are now. I only hope that the attention I give and attempts to keep in contact is met with the purity of intent that it emanates from. I understand where they are, for I most likely was there and didn't even realize it at the time. Only a deep trauma and protracted period of self reflection allowed me to make progress. That progress was however codified when the FA I met did interact with me sans judgement, and listened with an open heart and mind. Cosmic Karma and divine intervention has to be at play. I hope and pray my presence and interaction can be of the same benefit to the FA I met. How can one best "show" this level of Agape without interaction? Or what frequency of contact would you offer as being something that is tolerated without infringing upon boundaries ? Should I simply ask? I am not needy nor insecure any more. Thank you for your excellent video here. Cheers

I was friends with a fearful avoidant once. After 9 years of friendship, and me being a bridesmaid, she completely ghosted me. I think ghosting is cruel at best and emotionally abusive at worst. It's good to have this knowledge to be compassionate, but at the end of the day it doesn't excuse how much trauma they cause to the people around them and how terrible they treat people sometimes, and they need to take responsibility for that.

You are awesome. Thank you for your honesty. Your articulation of accepting a FA were they are is so spot on. I pray I show this adequately to the FA that helped me see the FA that used to be at the core of me........ The work is internal and no one outside can "fix" another. Perhaps the best one can hope is the offered salve of AGAPE and tincture of time provides the milieu to heal. God Bless you. Cheers.

I don't think I had a great childhood, no. It wasn't the worst... but it wasn't "good" either.

Hi Paulien, I hope you see this message. I want to ask what it means to “pick a fight” with someone. I am not sure if I do this or not because I feel kind of crazy in my relationship. Sometimes I will voice an opinion of mine, and my spouse will tell me to “please stop” in an exasperated tone of voice. He just dismisses what I say and ignores it. I don’t know if it’s because he sees it as me picking a fight, or if I actually am? I am trying to learn what is wrong with me. 😢

Greetings from India! Thank you for your help and support 😊

As a FA, I've had limerance multiple times thinking it's the most real love. But now I'm in a real health loving relationship, and I can feel what real love feels like, how it's different from limerance, and how those infatuations weren't love.

What if you are so isolated in your attachment and you don’t have anyone to practice this with?

At the lowest point in my life I found out about the law of attraction. I also discovered your channel that same year so I really felt like I was handed the tools to change and improve my life. I was 16 at the time so of course I wrote down the most outrageous stuff when completing the exercises. I expected it all to come true by the time I was 20 and I had full & firm belief that it would happen because I was desperate to cling onto some sort of control. Fast forward to today. I am not even close to those goals I wrote down and I'm a few months away from 20. But I do have my life together now and I feel better about who I am and who I can be in relationships thanks to you and the positive mindset I had to pick up in order to affirm. Im not sure if the law of attraction works because I think the world would be a much better place if people could get what their hearts desire. Or maybe the world is the way it is because some people got what they wanted? idk, I loved this video Paulien and I'm glad you got to live in your dream home even for a little bit.

How do you know if your anxious preoccupied or fearful avoidant? On test says im anxious and another said fearful avoidant...

Oral sex definitely 😊

Poor thing 😊

.. imagine an FA (me) with a Dismissive Avoidant partner - of some 20 year's - and then times everything in this video by 1,000,000........... 😢

What if they cheat on their partner?

The problem is that you never brole up with him, and he has always been there for you. You have never had to deal with a breakup with him. That's an easy task

I have a terrible cycle 🔄 where I > I have magical thinking about meeting someone amazing > I meet someone and then get limerence for them because I am projecting onto them and let down when they can’t live up to that > we break up >fall into hopelessness >use limerence to cope> rinse & repeat

How do you share attachment theory let alone Fearful avoidant with a person of interest? Especially, a fearful avoidant may look at this sharing as criticism and they need to be fixed.

I used to always be scared I would attract any bad thoughts! Makes so much sense. Most teachers do not take into account insecure fearful people!

Where have you been my whole life