Fearful Avoidance: Why you want to Run Away from your Relationship | HealingFa.com

[@nanoekbos1009]

I find comfort and strength in the line that:
"Sometimes the most healthy and beautiful relationships trigger the most trauma."

[@sincerely_zane]

After about 2 years of stressing that my lady is the wrong person and I’m not attracted to her, annoyed by her, bored by her, etc, I’m finally feeling so much peace and so grateful for her. She has always treated me respectfully and I can trust her 💯. Takes a while to heal but I didn’t want to end up like my friends who are getting near 40 and still going through girls like toilet paper

[@lisamandarine1393]

Hey! I am so happy for you! Which methods did you choose for your healing jouney?

[@Sarajb517]

Damn I hope I’m never in a relationship where my partner is constantly wondering if he’s attracted to me

[@sincerely_zane]

@@lisamandarine1393​​⁠ as Pauline says - our abused system is wanting to keep us safe so I would get really bad anxiety and my brain would start trying to find out reasons wrong with my partner to push her away like I have done in the past with other relationships. But I have had to rely on my determination to change the course of my life. Many times I needed to fight how I felt and teach my body over a long period of time that I am safe with my now wife. My wife has also been key in my healing. I have been able to be open with her about all my fears and she has been so safe and compassionate about my childhood abuse. But even though I have struggled so much I have always been kind and respectful to my wife so that has also given her the ability to be patient with me.

[@rpaafourever7908]

@@Sarajb517 Yes but the thing is that everyone has some fault and usually the partners of FA fare no better, it's just that they have different challenges. I say usually because of course you can end up with a secure partner and end up sabotaging it, particularly when you're younger but that seems to be rare in this day and age.

[@John-us2ns]

So the key for you as someone identifying with fearful avoidance, was to have a woman that was patient and not anxious to hold space for your healing?

[@edwardtate3175]

I broke up with my girlfriend last year, it was our second attempt at a relationship. I had learned about being a fearful avoidant after the first break up and wanted to try again. But I wasn't ready to really look at myself and do the work that was needed to heal.
Now I've learned a lot about being an FA and I've been doing the healed and happy course, which has been helping a lot. But with every step forward there's always a whole bunch of guilt that I wasn't able to do this in the relationship.
She was so kind and loving and understanding. But I felt bored and unsure and was terrified to bring up any of the problems I was having, even though we had agreed to work on them.
Thank you for these videos Paulien, they're saving my life one upload at a time.

[@gatorssbm]

The painful thing about taking responsibility for your behavior is it just hurts to think back in retrospect, had some really good intentions trying to reconnect with my FA partner but she ignored me for a few weeks and it eventually got me mad. And it was such a punch in the gut thinking Im just repeating what my parents did, I hated it so much so I just tried to give em a heads up I wanted to step back even if she didnt respond I really needed to step away and focus on not letting it manifest.
Eventually you do learn to be happy by yourself and its made me a lot less prone to getting anxious or mad, was just such a wild ride trying to near brute force progress in the span of 2 months just so I could set things straight not just for myself but my partner as well. She is half my motivation because Ive never gotten attached with anyone this much in my life and Im glad the chaos has finally settled over a year later now. I can only hope people find their peace like we did, life feels so much less scary now and I actually look forward to waking up most days.

[@jellyrcw12]

your videos have helped me feel less alone, it truly means so much. please know that your videos truly help people

[@tarynmichelleart]

I feel like you just understand me perfectly. My fiance is such a good person and I am still struggling! It’s so frustrating.

[@Tsu3nxy]

The best thing that happened to me this year was finding your channel. Tysm for all your helpful videos and as a fearful avoidant I really appreciate your existence

[@adarshraghuram6858]

Excellent video. Waiting and hoping my wife would return as she's a lovely human being and I know she's not motivated by malice.

[@VenusianStarseed]

I just learned I was an FA after opening up my marriage and going the ENM route. I thought he would be better without me , I felt bored and was fault finding with him. Then I got into a very chaotic toxic relationship with an avoidant that made me super anxious and I realized the grass isn’t greener and I have to work on myself.

[@Sketch1994]

Was it worth ruining a close relationship to realize it? How do you even get to get married? I knew I was messed up and didn't even date for 10 years

[@jdub99]

ENM alone would cause me anxiety

[@adarshraghuram6858]

Scrolling through your videos is such a EUREKA moment for me. It's everything I have been trying to get my FA wife to understand. Every subject is on point. Right now I can't do anything as I am just waiting and hoping. But I pray she sees your channel

[@rosie757]

Another very insightful video. Pauline you’ve helped me so much and I’m now engaged and in a loving healthy relationship ❤

[@johndoe8923-k2d]

Nice video. Paulien, just want to say the gaze in your eyes is something different. The lights are on and somebody's home. I noticed in my ex FA and many others i've talked to they have a look in their eyes that seems lost at some level. Emotional repression is a thing and the eyes are the windows to the soul. Yours is alive and radiating life.
Thank you for healing. You do your current/next partner a huge favour. The destruction unhealed avoidants bring upon their discarded partners is....unimaginable on an emotional level.

[@mariepayraud7788]

Paulien can you do a video about fearful avoidant and ROCD? Thank you!

[@jellyrcw12]

14:58 SO TRUE! It starts with us

[@rebeccaegly6318]

Thank you for this video ! I would love to hear you on ideas on how to grieve your fantasy relationships ? (or the ex's, or other people FA can daydream about while being in their relationships). Thank you for your word.

[@kompowiec2]

Perfect. This is the last thing I'm struggling with right now i think. Only trauma cuz other parts seems heal.

[@brideofallunquietthings7992]

Can you elaborate on the comment that happy marriages on average have 5 problems you can’t solve?

[@nanoekbos1009]

Paulien, how do you go about taking responsibility in a conversation with your partner?
(While leaving space for your partner to take his)

[@Marta-dn7qs]

What if this happens to all other relationships like coworkers, in laws, friends?

[@breemarie9393]

I have a question: limerence or feeling "in love" with someone else, you said this is normal and the couples you interviewed all said crushes and attraction is normal as well.. but then aren't these signs of an unhealed FA? Would any sort of limerence/crushes go away once healed? Or is this considered normal even when healed and no deeper meaning than being human? I thought this meant that you were looking to be saved for find validation etc. Thank you so much

[@breemarie9393]

Also guilt regarding the fantasy. I explained this to my partner and he's so understanding but I still feel alot of random guilt when I think about it

[@littledevil8146]

@@breemarie9393 from what I understood, having crushes on someone unavailable is sign of FA

[@ReneeB-mz9cx]

​@@littledevil8146it could also be a sign of comphet

[@fatatabata]

From what I understand having fantasies is a clear sign of dissociation (FA)

[@Fishstick45-lf2vn]

All of these are "normal" ebbs and flows and thoughts and attractions that everyone experiences. The thing is, FAs take this much more seriously and assign a level of meaning to it that others don't and can obsess over these thoughts stemming from a need to be and think and feel perfect, which stems from not wanting to be "bad" etc

[@RobbiJamesVogt]

I wish avoidents would heal themselves before getting into relationships. There is a lot at stake when it comes to relationships.

[@moroccanbabe7635]

I stopped dating once I realized I was an FA, I don't wanna be the cause of suffering to anyone 😢

[@RobbiJamesVogt]

@@moroccanbabe7635 heal. You’ve got this