Family-oriented culture means investing in the needs of the most narcissistic person in the family usually a parent that is overly self-involved thus indifferent to the potential of their kids.
The "golden child" gets the most concern and attention. Cos he will most likely bring "financial security" to the family. The "scapegoat" gets forgotten and uncared for cos they are deemed less important to the family. That's what happened to me....
“The degree to which a family is dysfunctional is the degree to which it’s like a mini-cult.” ~ Dr. Faye Snyder (another great psychologist, really recommend her books)
Daniel you are really on point here. I'm from Vietnam and the culture at large is exactly like that. Children are like property of parents. They are can't accept the fact that their kids have grown up and are independent individuals.
I grew up in a third world "Family oriented culture ". Really, you're correct. it means a family slave system. But children are much safer. We didn't get much adult supervision and we felt safe in the woods. We were only scared of our parents. I was eventually disowned by my family for marrying an Indian girl. I say, we were all slaves 300 years ago and we're just beginning to see that we're all damaged goods. Well, some of us. And we're just beginning to heal ourselves.
So sorry. I had a similar upbringing where I was very scared of my super disfunctional mother. Nevertheless I took care of her until her death, five years ago. I’m so glad that we can disconnect from our natural family and choose where to belong as adults.
@@Drigger95 If I would respect my child, if I wouldn't be dysfunctional parent then why would they say the same thing about me. You mean to say that you don't want to hear anything negative about you just because you're a parent? Thats the same thing he is saying.
I come from Spain and it's a heavily parent-oriented culture. It feels quite lonely when you think differently, as I do. That's why I am so grateful for your videos!
@@loanicastillo3327 @Loani Castillo Do i understand correctly: You think it's a matter of genes whether you want to keep in touch with your abusers?
España y todos los paises hispanos apesar de ser parte de occidente son culturamente opuestos al mundo anglosajon. He nacido en españa y como adulto trabajo en Inglaterra. Os aseguro que el modelo de la atomizacion familiar propio de loa paises dr ascendencia nordica no es superior al modelo mediterráneo. Siendo cierto que es una loteria la.familia que te toca, evaluando la alternativa solo hay que comprobar los niveles de alienacion, desorientación, depresion y suicidios que hay. No es perfecto el modelo "family oriented" pero sin el no veo más que sociedades profundamente disfuncionales y menos humanas.
"Family Oriented" translates for me into, "Children are the parents and the parents are the children." The adults' necessities come first; the child's necessities must be repressed by the children or else. There is also a system of succession of power and entitlement, where the old want to rule over the young and were they feel the annointed right to do so. Let's not forget about the vampiric emotional drain that occurs from the parents onto the children, where the children must be emotionally available and understanding of the parents' troubles. But dare not the children voice his or her necessities or questions, because this results in a major offense against the parents (manipulation to make the children comply to any demand). Well, there is much more... But I'm just a duck.
You said it so well. This is exactly what I'm going through right now - the only child of parents in India, and they are massively codependent on me. You are absolutely correct when you said family-oriented translates to parentified children. I've had to take care of the emotional needs of my parents for decades and it's exhausting. I'm currently in the process of going No Contact. I've always been scapegoated and vilified as being problematic, thanks to my mom's narrative that she disperses to family, so I figure that I should atleast now get investment and actually act on cutting off the connection if I'm such a bad fit.
I've noticed a certain pathology in some well-adjusted, emotionally-healthy and happy families. Sometimes it leads to an extreme insularity where the children, when they come of age, say in their early twenties, have absolutely no tolerance, or empathy for those they meet who are struggling emotionally and have been damaged to any degree by THEIR dysfunctional family. If these others occassionally exhibit depression, insecurity, social anxiety, whatever, the grown child from one of these "well-adjusted", surface-happy and shallow insular family systems reject them out of hand and treat them as if they were walking pollutants spreading around "bad vibes" to be dismissed and avoided at all costs... They value "great personality" and "fun to be with" above all else. There is like an invisible bubble that separates this type of family from all the rest of the world. Their offspring usually lack any degree of depth, substance, or empathy for those who have been damaged and hobbled - or human suffering in general. All they value in others is a "great personality" and having no "emotional baggage" a reflection of their own superficial "I just want to have fun" shallow stance toward life.
By "family oriented", it actually means being forced to adhere to backwards thinking and sometimes, archaic ideologies at the expense of an adult son's/daughter's individual autonomy and individual happiness. Especially with religious parents.
I hate the Spanish thing like in “Water for Chocolate” where the youngest girl is expected to spend her life taking care of the mother as she gets old. She’s not allowed to have a life of her own.
One person should never be totally responsible for taking care of an elderly parent. Ideally the state should help the children with things like food delivery, homekeepers etc
@@daisy7066 God that's awful. Particularly given they had such large families meaning that taskcould be shared. Greatly reduced the man's chances of finding a decent mate. Probably one of the many things that lead to drinking amongst the Irish. All that inherited trauma.
Omg that movie haunts me! I'm 38..moved out at 24 precisely because of an overprotective mother and then due to a turn of events in her life she lost it all and I had to have her and my younger brother move in with me at the age of 32 ... I payed our rent in its entirety until two years ago when I put my foot down and told her I would be moving out so I reduced my contribution by 200$ so I could save up for my move I finally moved out last September and I'm still contributing to her rent because they wouldn't be able to make it on their own but I told her as of this September coming I'm financially out and done . If I had it like that I would buy her a house but that's not the case and I'm sick of this culture where the older sibling bears it all.
@@daisy7066 I think youngest children may have higher rates of mental illness in general just because they're (maybe) seen and heard less and have less power in the family system (wonder if there are any research articles on the subject)...did you mean family farm?
When growing up my father said if you do....xyz he will disown me. So I agree with you Daniel , if parents do xyz we can disown them ( break away) too. It's a 2 way street in my opinion.
Well-said, Daniel. Having been born and raised in the US as a Chinese American, I got mixed messages from my parents. "Be independent, have your own money, you need to move out of our house/or pay us rent." But also, "You are nothing without us. You owe us everything. You have no right to be happy. Do as you're told." It was clear to me they were manipulating 'traditional Chinese, Confucian values" and mixing it with "Do whatever makes you happy," free-market capitalist American ways to mess with me mentally and try to control/abuse me emotionally and psychologically. In globalized societies everywhere, many narcissistic, toxic parents/families across cultures are savvy in using whatever tactics and pop culture trends possible to control their children (eg: my mom used to tell me I was the most messed up one in the family, and needed to get therapy/do yoga to stop being so anxious...when really removing myself from her presence was the real solution...). However, I have to add the danger of one narrative (eg: "all families of xyz culture are like this") - and that I have met healthy parents who share my heritage/cultural background and do NOT abuse their children they way mine did. They were individuals (exceptions to dominant cultures everywhere, to be clear) who genuinely cared about the well-being of their children and understood the importance of taking care of one's mental health.
So well written. I absolutely agree with you. Have actually had the same experiences even though my cultural background is different. Moved to the other side of the world to break free from my parents. Never felt better. But I must say there is an "invisible string" that somehow binds me to them, that I can't completely get rid off.
@@TVans-vs3gn yes, same here- that inner critic voice our toxic families implanted in us early our lives rubs deep. Ongoing lifelong work trying to quiet that voice…stay strong! We are not alone- totally there with you.
@Raja Palaparty yes. I felt I had no choice but to go no contact with my entire family, immediate and extended relatives. It’s brutal, not going to lie- that feeling of isolation and inability to trust any relative; but it’s the safest and sanest path of self preservation. I moved away as well. Luckily had a job as an excuse at first, then built and connected with my emotional support here. This new chapter is still a work in progress, but so is life in general I suppose ;) all the best to you and glad you made a life decision that has been working out for you .
I live in a family-oriented culture, and these are cultures where abuse is rampant in all aspects of society. and there is no hope for escape. Individualistic cultures also have abuse, but there at least exists the hope of finding decent people to be around. It's really scary to me, because I see the USA becoming less and less individualistic and people are blind to the prison they are creating.
I fully agree that family-oriented cultures have abuse running rampant, and it's almost normalized! The US, being an individualistic country, atleast has resources to facilitate and empower the individual. Atleast there is an early acquaintanceship of what individualistic rights are etc. In other family-oriented countries, especially if they are third-world, the concept of individual and "self" (let alone "inner child" work) just don't exist. I'd be laughed out of my parent's house (in India, and this * has * happened) for even mentioning these "woke" terms. I'd be curious to know in what ways you're finding the US becoming less individualistic?
@@watching99134 Piety is a religious word, so I worry that it is going to the risky extreme and not the golden mean. The golden mean is Buddhist, I believe . . .
Good one Daniel! Parents need to be held accountable for their bad behavior and Not blindly supported and given carte blanche simply because they’re “parents”
Thank you for spelling it out so clearly! "Family-oriented" really is "Parent/elder-oriented". These so-called family-oriented cultures are massively codependent and don't encourage the individual's growth. I'm a first-generation American immigrant born in India. I've had extended family come to the US before me, as early as the 70s. Despite living in a reality that a first-world country affords them, they are SO regressive and still cling on to their ancient, archaic ideals which have no relevance in modern times. My aunt called me last week when she heard I was estranging myself from my mother/her sister (who has some strong behavioral issues) and begged me to go back in contact. She kept reigning these ideals of "parents are like god" and "they've done so much for you". None of which sufficiently answer the question, "why does my mother overwhelm herself with her insecurities and then take our her angst on me emotionally and physically?". Everyone in my family has seen my mom's raging temper and they look the other way, yet they tout the "family is sacred" narrative. These people just baffle me. That being said, I stay far away from the Indian community because more often than not, they come with their cultural baggage and codependent ideals which they've projected on to me (because I still look like them and still have the name). It comes as a shock to them how much I've disowned my culture of origin. But the cult-mentality in these codependent cultures is very much real and very strong, especially in India where there's still some residual caste and class system-like behavior. It's a curse being born in these communities, I'm glad I could get away and I feel terrible for those who can't. They have their soul squeezed out of them at a very early age. It really is like having an emotional lobotomy done to them.
@@kossitete8891 nothing wrong with helping if you’re doing it out of love because the people you are helping were great and loving to you etc and you’re not doing it out of the guilt/debt parents like to brainwash their kids with
In some cultures ( like main- Muslim , Arab culture) breaking away from family could mean not only social death , but actual death or maybe physical harm Not to mention financial side of it and the safety you lose when you are not Bart of a group ( like a loner animal outside the herd you become an easy bray ) specially if you are a woman or other vulnerable minorities like lgptq or if you left religion and or oboes it’s control.
Studies have shown that Millennial parents spend 2.4x more time with their children than Baby Boomer generation parents did. It would explain why my dad spent so little with me, yet my peer group (who are having kids) are always in photos or doing things together with their kids. There's been a shift in the right direction of "what is important" to parents these days. Second point: I think the Nuclear family, must take prominence to the "extended family". I see most of the problems lying with the extended connections (cousins, uncles, aunties, other culture, grandparents). Where superficiality and competition lies. The parent takes their time and attention away from their own children, to spend time with other relatives. Sometimes prioritising relatives over their own kids. Which is what I see happened too many times..
I definetly agree with this. My parents neglected me so they can take care of their relatives(spending time too much time with them giving them tons of money)
at the risk of sounding like a crazy fangirl, I'm going to ask again if you will allow me to interview you for my college class. we have to interview a social worker and you are my biggest inspiration for entering the field. would be honored to hear your perspective. totally understand if you arent interested, but I feel compelled to write and ask again anyways. your work has helped me so much and made me understand my coursework at a much deeper level.
Get away and stay away. If these people weren't related to you, would you choose to be in their company? Indeed, would you have anything to do with them? If the answer is, "No", act appropriately (Credit to: We Need to Talk With Kris Godinez).
I am currently reading a book where the author explains how our child rearing practices are required for our culture to stay alive. How parents are in a way the agents of the culture responsible for its continuation. The final casualty is child's wellbeing, then everybody's wellbeing, and lately planet's wellbeing as well. Here an excerpt if anybody is interested: "Detachment-inspired pedagogy is still widely practiced today. In the classroom, in the home, and in the stories we tell about ourselves to our children-on television, in film, in books-the nature of the child and the child’s place in the adult world continue to remain “obvious,” at least to the adult. Violence has evolved into a subtle, chronic hum that can be almost completely ignored. The child lives and breathes and, ultimately, becomes an expression of a dominant culture that practices violence and domination even in seemingly mundane relational moments." Inventing the child by Joseph Zornado
Thanks for this, I’m going to look it up. This culture of domination and violence is unique to civilizations; things are very different in hunter-gatherer cultures. See the articles “How Hunter-Gatherers Maintained Their Egalitarian Ways” by Dr. Peter Gray and “Allowing Human Nature to Work Successfully” about Jean Liedloff and her experiences living with an Amazonian tribe. I see civilization as being the traumatized/addicted/“diseased” (both literally and metaphorically - like the social equivalent of cancer) version of human society, whereas hunter-gathererism is the healthy and sustainable version. A great book that gets at aspects of this is by Jerry Mander: In the Absence of the Sacred: The Failure of Technology and the Survival of the Indian Nations.
@@penyarol83 Thanks for the recommendations. It is funny how we ended up reading the same author. One of the first book I've read as I was "coming to my senses" was The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff.
@@nbharakey I haven't read that one yet, although I'd like to, given what I know about the author. "Coming to one's senses" -- that's a great way to put it. I read an excerpt of Liedloff's once, quoted by the great Alice Miller (who REALLY brought me to my senses) -- it was about how a newborn baby feels while being neglected and left to cry for extended periods in a room all by itself -- heart rending and disturbing. Literal torture. Of a newborn. And no one notices, no one cares... Truly, the issue with our society is that we are all so frighteningly detached from our feelings, thanks to having been put thru similar experiences as a baby -- truly a scary & dangerous state of affairs
Yes, this is so true. It's like there's a negative "pay it forward" going on from one generation to another. Which makes me wonder..who started it? I mean, if bad people were all the result of bad childhoods, there must have been some bad original parents. Or were they all bad? Do humans have inherent self-hate embedded, which they pass down to their kids? Or is it the tendency to take out anger and frustrations in life onto those around us, kids being the favorite targets?
From my observations, shame based cultures are the ones that tend to be family oriented such as China. Where as, guilt based cultures tend to be focused primarily on the individual, such as the United States. Heres a video I watched the other day which goes into depth about this from a historical perspective. czcams.com/video/exCcz6uLbw8/video.html
But psychologist Nancy H. Kobrin says in her video interview with that man from Pakistan that guilt is a more developed/evolved/mature emotion than shame is.
The horrors I've seen from these "family-oriented" cultures is sick and toxic. It means don't question the parents, and it goes right into adulthood. You will have 35 year olds who are essentially still children, thinking and doing whatever their parents want.
Thank you for all your videos. Very helpful. Speaking of family culture, I hope you make a video about black 🖤 sheep 🐑 of families and the scape goating.
The reason that the west is mostly doesn’t have extremely tight family oriented culture is religion......in more religious culture, the control of family is driven directly from religion scripture, and many Tim’s even engraved in law in some countries.. where for example a woman can not marry without her father marrying her , needing father written permission to get job or driving license.... it’s a nightmare beyond anyone imagination 😞
Guilty Parenting can get you to this same place with your children. They feel entitled to ALWAYS be taken care of (have you meet their needs and wants) as ADULTS. I sometimes experience a need to break away from my own family. It’s like I reproduced the bondage of my family of origin as if we must dance this dance forever.
Now I’m realizing to that it’s so toxic to live with your family member as an adult. I live on my own and pay my own rent and no one that’s not going to work on themselves fully and completely will take that away from me and I’m not gonna sit here and parent in my romantic relationships nor do I want anyone to parent me.
Yesterday i was arguing with my mother , and i told her that sons and daughters are not personal projects to evetually profit from... And she said, "of course they are!, They are my life project! And i have invested too much on them for not get anything back! " i was horryfied to listen to her saying it so naturally, yet i was not surprised...her actions always said that... I tried to explain her why that was a wrong and unhealthy learned view and she just stayed silent...
As usual, a great video by Daniel. He really does tackle subjects too tabbo for mainstream at times even in the Internet where there is a lot of great content. His family situation far worse than mine but we all have our biases understandably. He is right to point out that those of us in the USA have it easier bit still toight. It was a good reminder for me however that at least im not in same family situation in another culture..i loved the "other side" of this phrase but that said for all those reasonably healthy and decent functioning families it is a fantastic thing to have people you love who love you and will have your back when the chips are down. People living life alone or those who rush into relationships too soon to get that security and love or those so dysfunctional and broken that they seek out the same dysfunction in their partner and sadly have children with them bc they didn't get that have a much harderr road to hoe especially these days when econmic instability is rampant and especially those who were strong enough to not use someone just to get married and have kids. As be said towards the end... the goal would be to have more healthy families but of course that is no essy feat n sadly becoming less likely.
I’ve been reading by your book and have been breaking away from my family. I haven’t heard from them for a while. God is giving me so much insight not only on my family but on my relationships to. I’ve pretty much just shut down. Also my work place is full of gossip so I’ve also been staying away from that to. It’s been pretty lonely but I know I’ll be okay. People just don’t want to work on myself but I choose to work on myself and if that other person does then great but if they don’t then 🤷♀️
Really brilliant observation for me to hear ... yes, family oriented does seem to actually mean it's about taking care of the parents. It's interesting to reflect on the Old Testament laws from this point of view. (Not the New Testament--Jesus pushes back when he's told his biological family wants to talk to him, saying those who love God are his family.) Thanks for this insight, Daniel Mackler!
Thank you for this work. Very true an plain to see. Makes perfect sense and I see the same in my own family and those families that I have witnessed over the years. People lie to themselves and think they are going to fix social and political problems when their own homes are on fire. How lost we are…..
I'm from Spain and I agree there is social pressure to remain attached, but not all is bad. My parents have over the years stopped coercing us, and are now very warm and generous in many ways. They also work on themselves. I look forward to see them, and hope to become like them to my children.
Daniel prior to you breaking away from your parents, was there a point in time where you felt obligated to visit your parents because you felt that if you did not you were a bad person?
Are you doing it because there are genuine aspects of them that make you wanna see them, or is it because of the labels "parent" "family". Would you feel this obligation were those labels stripped away?
If you're an only-child in the family, that doesn't help anything once you're all grown up. It's like your happiness, has been thrown out the window because there's no one else to help you look after the folks.
Lol, as usual Danny Boy, you have an awesome way of explaining issues, which Allows me to have fun while I learn about myself. Yes, in my family I took care of my super dysfunctional mother many years until her death five years ago. Now I’m looking for any of my children to do the same for me but it seems like they all did the disappearance act, lol! Oh well ……
My family is Asian, very religious and family oriented. Which means, ME being required to give give give, provide provide provide from an extremely young age, and even till now. I am completely burnt out all the time, and my parents happen to still demand me to give, also my husband requires me to give give give. I am done, I never signed up for this, never asked to be created, so fxxk them
Im half mexican and this concept of not taking care of your family when theyre order is still utterly bizarre to me. Like its mostly about looking out for people when theyre unable to because the world won't. I get theres alot of bad parents, just its a bizarre concept to me.
So true my boy friend with whom we had a good relationship left saying I get marry with the family of a girl and you are not close to yours so what can I do then?…
Do you have any advice for breaking away from family like this? If anyone know, please share it with me because I feel extremely stuck, whilst struggling with social anxiety and I don't have any friends at all.
I think this is an interesting topic and there's a lot to it but I think his description more to Asian cultures (i.e, "filial piety") and not as much to European ones...also I sometimes wonder if more "collectivistic" cultures would create mental health diagnoses for Americans based on their almost-phobic reaction(s) to connection(s) to others (physically, psychoemotionally, etc.) (Confucius once said a man his two identities in life, his father's son and his son's father). Also I would say that there's a heavy expectation that parents who arrange their children's marriage also look for someone who is compatible and will make their child happy (it's not as mercenary at Dan makes it sound necessarily. In the West I think people find as they get older that a lot of marriage is about compatibility and this can be hard to manufacture).
Daniel, is it not true that the inner child must be the true father for the man? We have potential that can only be actualized when we begin to take care of ourselves.
Be careful: I have watched prob most of Daniels videos and there’s def a lot I relate with my own family. I def understand the work that needs to be done. But there is a whole lot of resentment and anger that Daniel needs to address related to family. All of his opinions seemed to polluted by that. Part of understanding this process is realizing that everyone is doing the best they can including their parents. There is no advantage thinking otherwise. unplug from your family and find yourself but learning to forgive is the end path. The answer is not to be alone the rest of your life and celibate like Daniel claims. This is a delicate nuanced process. Along with forgiveness we a certain level of accepting the world as it is, otherwise it’s a path to misery thinking we can control everything
At the age of five a hadza child can take up to half of his caloric needs by himself! Imagine what a ten year old can do? And when they hit puberty and become strong adolescent...they are basically free to go! There are no families in the hadzabe tribe of Tanzania. The very name of the tribe means "we...*people*"!! Like a computer game or a school where you can choose which school you go. Those schools are called camps. The camps never exceed a certain number of people and never go under a certain amount of members!! There are also specific *kinds* of camps. One which has more young extremely playful members. One which has only experienced people. Or any mix of those examples. Most camps rotate there location! They follow the movement of the sun, that's were animals also go. Members of camps can choose to leave and join new ones, according to *their* needs. So Daniel, this is one of the oldest tribes we know that still exists and lives the way they have done long before agriculturalism evolved. They are not Maasai. They are there neighbours who get pushed out of there Homeland by the Maasai. And these Hunter gatherers don't live off of cows blood and herbs! They mostly eat honey they find actually with the help of the "honey guide" bird. They have abundance of berries. They also have year round supply of baobab, which is also a fruit. I even heard a parent say: "my life is easy, if I can't hunt any meat, or can't find honey, there always berries and baobab. And if even *that* is hard to find. There are always roots and tubers available to dig (which is the job of the women). Lol I enjoy there social rituals. It is not mystic at all. Or wow so fancy. It's more like to see which role does one take in "society". They run and dance in circles together and children take the central position. So I think I desperately want to proof that there *are* these ultra healthy pockets. We are just so far away from that ideal. Let's see what I can do for myself regards of that ideal. So far I *could* break away from *both* of my parents. I live in a communist country which taxes the middle class to make migrants live in industrial low class hot spots. It was easy *the social system* just took care of me. Other wise I would never have broken away. Funny thing, the children who are in these low class families *are the unhealthiest* and have the most need to break away. I resent my father taking the easy route!! He chose to make kids and then couldn't support the family by himself and took government aid plus family size apartment. In which he made *another* child. To get even more benefits. So selfish. And he was sending money to his family! I feel *robbed*. I am making up for my losses.
In family oriented structure, you are not leaving a family... You are running away from a cult. You litteraly need to develop an escape plan to leave this place. Even as an adult you are controled like a toddler, your opinions are rarely taken into consideration and you feel small and insignficant all the time, always forced to please the family by fear of ostracisation. It is no way to live.
I don't know how we can move beyond this as long as the elderly and otherwise vulnerable are not looked after by the state in some capacity. At the moment, capitalist society and even the societies of "developing countries" still rely on the younger to look after the older ones as they become infirm. With ageing populations in the West thanks to longer life expectancy, you're looking at a society-wide burden the old will come to exert, in all areas of life. If the state does not step up to look after the elderly, who will? Other than the younger generations who are expected to just take on that burden, along with all the others. In the States, you guys already seem to have a gerontocracy. The elders in so many countries have a death-grip on the levers of power and won't relinquish it easily.
Also the family is usually patriarchy oriented. When you look up family hierarchy structure you see male figure at top. We all now can see how damages it made for years
@@xslt1692 are you an empath? You seem to be taljing about your psychic impressions of the world timelines. Of course something historical is happening. Watch this
@@xslt1692 essentially predicting most probable future events by picking up on what the public thinks or feels. It is related to prophecy or divination
As a biracial person from a white Australian parent and a, middle eastern parent, I'm disappointed by your limited understanding of this topic which is not something that can be explored in a short video. As much as I enjoy some of your videos, I find you can project your personal and ethnocentric biases onto your discussions without realizing.
Daniel Mackler: Jesus criticized Jews of his day for using special exemptions devised by the Pharisees to not take care of genuine needs of their parents. Are you with them?
Seek help. You belive in a book that promotes slavery , in a God that has no intelligence to teach or heal trauma and mental illness without promoting mass murder and eternal damnation in hell.
Serendipity. The Bible is against the type of slavery called men stealing throughout. Bible is a progressive revelation. In the Old testament the Hebrew could go into slavery for debt, but was to have the opportunity for release from debt slavery after seven years. In the new testament, Paul teaches to Roman slaveholders who became Christians, that slaves and masters were equal. As community of goods, voluntarily, among believers also was taught, slaveholding is NOT taught in the N.T. 2. "Psychological" trauma is rooted in the fear of death, which fear, as Ernst Becker well shows in the Denial of Death, is what underlies man's creation of almost all of his institutions. They are vanity -- "vanity, vanity, all is vanity" -- says Solomon, in Ecclesiastes, after telling a lot (and pretty big stuff) that he'd done. But Jesus gave witness to his own statement that all shall be resurrected, by being killed on the cross (his death being tested by experienced Roman crucifiers), buried in a sealed and guarded tomb, and then being witnessed on several. occasions by many to be alive, numbers of those giving their lives for maintaining their testimony of his resurrection. Since you seem to have confreres, Serendipity, in your protestations against what you suppose, not correctly, to be taught in the Scripture, I am going, for their possible consideration, to add here a couple of comments relative to 1. textual criticism, and 2. to a key issue, since DNA, of the alleged "science" of evolution, First, all but the most extreme [about 2%] of the textual critics accept as genuine, certain letters of a man they deem to be historic, Paul. However, from that "minimum facts" evidence, without any of the gospel accounts, and most of the letters, one is left with Paul's writing of conversing with men who had known Jesus, or seen him resurrected after his crucifixion. As a mass hypnosis of the type which would be required to explain away the testimony of the resurrection of those Paul knew, is apparently not known in the psychological literature, one is left with even these textual skeptics struggling against the implications of their own convictions. If you choose the 2%, you will have cold company. As for DNA, it holds the most marvelous, and complex CODE of instructions, which is continuously executed on the cells and tissues of a body to enable animate beings to live. The difficulty for those who want to believe that chance processes brought about living beings is that the genetic code is a CODE -- and there is no code known that was not made by an intelligence, An Intelligent designer, is, therefore, the only way animàte life with DNA could have come into being. God gave Jesus, that people could know that they need not fear death, and there is lots else, notably that of the possibility of being born again, the command to repent, to provide restitution, to confess sins to one another, all of which are some of t lolhe parts of "the way." A lot of that faith once delivered to the saints has been mangled by those under the spell of Roman Catholicism or Calvinism, etc. Their teachings such as you mention are not correct, not what Jesus and the Bible teach. God does not give the specifics of methods to dissolve psychological traumas, because of the great possibility for them to be badly misused as the motor of a vile cult -- as has happened, for example, thru Hubbard. Well, you have made añ unplanned fortunate discovery, "Serendipity." I made my comment for Mackler, to pique him, as "parents are people, too," and can deserve our compassion, yes, and even our care. There is no automatic answer. If there is any further from me here, it will be on that, but what this is, you're welcome to. As is Jordan Peterson, who didn't get hooked on benzos for nothing, and maybe he's not beyond help.
Eric - You àre calling me an anti-Semite, aren’t you? I am not an anti-semite, and to have published that of me is a libel. It makes your standing in this forum that of a false accuser. For those who might have been confused by your libel: My original statement is referring to the issue of whether Daniel Mackler is of the PHILOSOPHY of people who negate the 5th Commandment, which was done by a particular party of Pharisee Jews of Jesus day, that Jesus referred to. Other Jews, and parties of Jews, did NOT negate that 5th Commandment, and religious parties other than Jews negate the 5th Commandment. So, the QUESTION asked is neither a slur, nor implied slur on Jews or Mr. Mackler. Mr. Mackler is a public figure, who exhorts people according to a philosophy I’d like to see him declare more particulars of. Because I hàve done so in a way that puts some pressure for an answer, the one castigates me for someone else's Christianity, and the other has libelled me as an anti-semite. Neither my statement nor my question is anti-Semitic, nor am I. You could have asked me what I meant, when you couldn't understand the reference. Instead, you decided, and casually -- "what else is new," you say -- and, interjecting "yawn,” as though to do so was boring, to libel me as anti-Semite. Withdraw your libel, and apologize.
Imo, to not be “family oriented” means to be largely in the pursuit of hedonistic desires. But i can see how someone who grew up with narcissistic parents that were self-involved, could develop a want/need to break away.
Family-oriented culture means investing in the needs of the most narcissistic person in the family usually a parent that is overly self-involved thus indifferent to the potential of their kids.
Well said.
The "golden child" gets the most concern and attention. Cos he will most likely bring "financial security" to the family. The "scapegoat" gets forgotten and uncared for cos they are deemed less important to the family. That's what happened to me....
@@Sonicade Same here. I am so sorry my heart goes out to you. Go to therapy most universities offer free psychological and psychiatric therapy.
@@philfallacci4833 Thanks... I'm much better now... After doing those things.
@@Sonicade I am so happy for you! I wish more people would do therapy the world would be a safer place. Hurt people enjoy hurting others.
Most families use the same tactics as cults.
Well said! It is actually a cult.
“The degree to which a family is dysfunctional is the degree to which it’s like a mini-cult.” ~ Dr. Faye Snyder (another great psychologist, really recommend her books)
Daniel you are really on point here. I'm from Vietnam and the culture at large is exactly like that. Children are like property of parents. They are can't accept the fact that their kids have grown up and are independent individuals.
I grew up in a third world "Family oriented culture ". Really, you're correct. it means a family slave system. But children are much safer. We didn't get much adult supervision and we felt safe in the woods. We were only scared of our parents. I was eventually disowned by my family for marrying an Indian girl. I say, we were all slaves 300 years ago and we're just beginning to see that we're all damaged goods. Well, some of us. And we're just beginning to heal ourselves.
So sorry. I had a similar upbringing where I was very scared of my super disfunctional mother. Nevertheless I took care of her until her death, five years ago. I’m so glad that we can disconnect from our natural family and choose where to belong as adults.
@@josiefarrell2101 You are not defined by them. You define upu.
Really? He's correct? I wonder how you would feel 50 years from now when your kids say the same thing
@@Drigger95 If I would respect my child, if I wouldn't be dysfunctional parent then why would they say the same thing about me. You mean to say that you don't want to hear anything negative about you just because you're a parent? Thats the same thing he is saying.
@@Drigger95 lmao if you're so afraid of this just don't have children. It's that simple
I come from Spain and it's a heavily parent-oriented culture. It feels quite lonely when you think differently, as I do. That's why I am so grateful for your videos!
@@loanicastillo3327 @Loani Castillo Do i understand correctly: You think it's a matter of genes whether you want to keep in touch with your abusers?
@@chris4231 Birds of a feather flock together.
so, true. It feels so lonely. Its feels like you don't belong in the family. I'm currently facing the same situation.
@@manviiam We are a lot of people in this situation, unfortunately 😔
España y todos los paises hispanos apesar de ser parte de occidente son culturamente opuestos al mundo anglosajon. He nacido en españa y como adulto trabajo en Inglaterra. Os aseguro que el modelo de la atomizacion familiar propio de loa paises dr ascendencia nordica no es superior al modelo mediterráneo. Siendo cierto que es una loteria la.familia que te toca, evaluando la alternativa solo hay que comprobar los niveles de alienacion, desorientación, depresion y suicidios que hay. No es perfecto el modelo "family oriented" pero sin el no veo más que sociedades profundamente disfuncionales y menos humanas.
"Family Oriented" translates for me into, "Children are the parents and the parents are the children."
The adults' necessities come first; the child's necessities must be repressed by the children or else. There is also a system of succession of power and entitlement, where the old want to rule over the young and were they feel the annointed right to do so.
Let's not forget about the vampiric emotional drain that occurs from the parents onto the children, where the children must be emotionally available and understanding of the parents' troubles. But dare not the children voice his or her necessities or questions, because this results in a major offense against the parents (manipulation to make the children comply to any demand).
Well, there is much more... But I'm just a duck.
Very well written. Keep it up.
You said it so well. This is exactly what I'm going through right now - the only child of parents in India, and they are massively codependent on me. You are absolutely correct when you said family-oriented translates to parentified children. I've had to take care of the emotional needs of my parents for decades and it's exhausting. I'm currently in the process of going No Contact. I've always been scapegoated and vilified as being problematic, thanks to my mom's narrative that she disperses to family, so I figure that I should atleast now get investment and actually act on cutting off the connection if I'm such a bad fit.
I've noticed a certain pathology in some well-adjusted, emotionally-healthy and happy families. Sometimes it leads to an extreme insularity where the children, when they come of age, say in their early twenties, have absolutely no tolerance, or empathy for those they meet who are struggling emotionally and have been damaged to any degree by THEIR dysfunctional family. If these others occassionally exhibit depression, insecurity, social anxiety, whatever, the grown child from one of these "well-adjusted", surface-happy and shallow insular family systems reject them out of hand and treat them as if they were walking pollutants spreading around "bad vibes" to be dismissed and avoided at all costs... They value "great personality" and "fun to be with" above all else. There is like an invisible bubble that separates this type of family from all the rest of the world. Their offspring usually lack any degree of depth, substance, or empathy for those who have been damaged and hobbled - or human suffering in general. All they value in others is a "great personality" and having no "emotional baggage" a reflection of their own superficial "I just want to have fun" shallow stance toward life.
Yup. And this whole only happy vibes culture is actually spiritual bypassing.
@Pat B Most relatable thing I've read in my life.
@@empressqi1722 Thank you, I learned this from my own life experience.
Thank you for this comment, got goosebumps due to how much it resonates with my experiences.
@@xslt1692 Noted, LOL.
By "family oriented", it actually means being forced to adhere to backwards thinking and sometimes, archaic ideologies at the expense of an adult son's/daughter's individual autonomy and individual happiness. Especially with religious parents.
I hate the Spanish thing like in “Water for Chocolate” where the youngest girl is expected to spend her life taking care of the mother as she gets old. She’s not allowed to have a life of her own.
One person should never be totally responsible for taking care of an elderly parent. Ideally the state should help the children with things like food delivery, homekeepers etc
It used o be the case in Ireland that the youngest son was expected to do the same & maintain the family far, it led to high rates of mental illness.
@@daisy7066 God that's awful. Particularly given they had such large families meaning that taskcould be shared. Greatly reduced the man's chances of finding a decent mate. Probably one of the many things that lead to drinking amongst the Irish. All that inherited trauma.
Omg that movie haunts me! I'm 38..moved out at 24 precisely because of an overprotective mother and then due to a turn of events in her life she lost it all and I had to have her and my younger brother move in with me at the age of 32 ... I payed our rent in its entirety until two years ago when I put my foot down and told her I would be moving out so I reduced my contribution by 200$ so I could save up for my move I finally moved out last September and I'm still contributing to her rent because they wouldn't be able to make it on their own but I told her as of this September coming I'm financially out and done . If I had it like that I would buy her a house but that's not the case and I'm sick of this culture where the older sibling bears it all.
@@daisy7066 I think youngest children may have higher rates of mental illness in general just because they're (maybe) seen and heard less and have less power in the family system (wonder if there are any research articles on the subject)...did you mean family farm?
Seems like the hardest thing in life is to remove from yourself the bullshit parents put on you and trying to discover your real self
100%
When growing up my father said if you do....xyz he will disown me.
So I agree with you Daniel , if parents do xyz we can disown them ( break away) too.
It's a 2 way street in my opinion.
Well-said, Daniel. Having been born and raised in the US as a Chinese American, I got mixed messages from my parents. "Be independent, have your own money, you need to move out of our house/or pay us rent." But also, "You are nothing without us. You owe us everything. You have no right to be happy. Do as you're told." It was clear to me they were manipulating 'traditional Chinese, Confucian values" and mixing it with "Do whatever makes you happy," free-market capitalist American ways to mess with me mentally and try to control/abuse me emotionally and psychologically. In globalized societies everywhere, many narcissistic, toxic parents/families across cultures are savvy in using whatever tactics and pop culture trends possible to control their children (eg: my mom used to tell me I was the most messed up one in the family, and needed to get therapy/do yoga to stop being so anxious...when really removing myself from her presence was the real solution...). However, I have to add the danger of one narrative (eg: "all families of xyz culture are like this") - and that I have met healthy parents who share my heritage/cultural background and do NOT abuse their children they way mine did. They were individuals (exceptions to dominant cultures everywhere, to be clear) who genuinely cared about the well-being of their children and understood the importance of taking care of one's mental health.
So well written. I absolutely agree with you. Have actually had the same experiences even though my cultural background is different. Moved to the other side of the world to break free from my parents. Never felt better. But I must say there is an "invisible string" that somehow binds me to them, that I can't completely get rid off.
@@TVans-vs3gn yes, same here- that inner critic voice our toxic families implanted in us early our lives rubs deep. Ongoing lifelong work trying to quiet that voice…stay strong! We are not alone- totally there with you.
@Raja Palaparty yes. I felt I had no choice but to go no contact with my entire family, immediate and extended relatives. It’s brutal, not going to lie- that feeling of isolation and inability to trust any relative; but it’s the safest and sanest path of self preservation. I moved away as well. Luckily had a job as an excuse at first, then built and connected with my emotional support here. This new chapter is still a work in progress, but so is life in general
I suppose ;) all the best to you and glad you made a life decision that has been working out for you .
Elders sanctified, parents deified, children occasionally seen, absolutely unheard! Thank you Sir 🙏
You do some amazing deep authentic bold work. Helping those who can see it, saner.
I live in a family-oriented culture, and these are cultures where abuse is rampant in all aspects of society. and there is no hope for escape. Individualistic cultures also have abuse, but there at least exists the hope of finding decent people to be around. It's really scary to me, because I see the USA becoming less and less individualistic and people are blind to the prison they are creating.
Well said.. I m from Greece and it's really hard to find decent people to be around. Family is always the only tribe there can be 😪
I fully agree that family-oriented cultures have abuse running rampant, and it's almost normalized! The US, being an individualistic country, atleast has resources to facilitate and empower the individual. Atleast there is an early acquaintanceship of what individualistic rights are etc. In other family-oriented countries, especially if they are third-world, the concept of individual and "self" (let alone "inner child" work) just don't exist. I'd be laughed out of my parent's house (in India, and this * has * happened) for even mentioning these "woke" terms.
I'd be curious to know in what ways you're finding the US becoming less individualistic?
Blind? No, they are inviting it in... "family oriented" really means scared.
@@trinleywangmo their fear blinds them though, whether they know it or not.
The root cause of the US becoming less individualistic is the rising cost of housing.
"Parent-oriented culture" - love it! How long, how long have we waited for THAT phrase to sprout up! I have to laugh for the rightness of it.
In China there's a long-standing phrase of "filial piety".
@@watching99134 Piety is a religious word, so I worry that it is going to the risky extreme and not the golden mean. The golden mean is Buddhist, I believe . . .
Good one Daniel! Parents need to be held accountable for their bad behavior and Not blindly supported and given carte blanche simply because they’re “parents”
Thank you for calling out the toxic ideology of "family culture" vs. what an actually healthy family culture would entail.
Thank you for spelling it out so clearly! "Family-oriented" really is "Parent/elder-oriented". These so-called family-oriented cultures are massively codependent and don't encourage the individual's growth.
I'm a first-generation American immigrant born in India. I've had extended family come to the US before me, as early as the 70s. Despite living in a reality that a first-world country affords them, they are SO regressive and still cling on to their ancient, archaic ideals which have no relevance in modern times. My aunt called me last week when she heard I was estranging myself from my mother/her sister (who has some strong behavioral issues) and begged me to go back in contact. She kept reigning these ideals of "parents are like god" and "they've done so much for you". None of which sufficiently answer the question, "why does my mother overwhelm herself with her insecurities and then take our her angst on me emotionally and physically?". Everyone in my family has seen my mom's raging temper and they look the other way, yet they tout the "family is sacred" narrative. These people just baffle me.
That being said, I stay far away from the Indian community because more often than not, they come with their cultural baggage and codependent ideals which they've projected on to me (because I still look like them and still have the name). It comes as a shock to them how much I've disowned my culture of origin. But the cult-mentality in these codependent cultures is very much real and very strong, especially in India where there's still some residual caste and class system-like behavior. It's a curse being born in these communities, I'm glad I could get away and I feel terrible for those who can't. They have their soul squeezed out of them at a very early age. It really is like having an emotional lobotomy done to them.
My mom took care of my grandparents at my expense until the day they died at my expense.
And what’s wrong with helping ?
@@kossitete8891 Nothing is wrong with helping as long as it’s not at the expense of another person.
@@kossitete8891 nothing wrong with helping if you’re doing it out of love because the people you are helping were great and loving to you etc and you’re not doing it out of the guilt/debt parents like to brainwash their kids with
In Poland we have a quote:" Dzieci i ryby głosu nie mają" eng.: " Children and fish have no voice".
damnn thats dark
I just thought about this today how my home country literally raises codependant people or narcissists. Really only 2 options
I can relate to this.I am from Turkey.
Family oriented often means enmeshed. No authenticity. Slave mentality. And loads of narcissism.
In some cultures ( like main- Muslim , Arab culture) breaking away from family could mean not only social death , but actual death or maybe physical harm Not to mention financial side of it and the safety you lose when you are not Bart of a group ( like a loner animal outside the herd you become an easy bray ) specially if you are a woman or other vulnerable minorities like lgptq or if you left religion and or oboes it’s control.
Studies have shown that Millennial parents spend 2.4x more time with their children than Baby Boomer generation parents did. It would explain why my dad spent so little with me, yet my peer group (who are having kids) are always in photos or doing things together with their kids. There's been a shift in the right direction of "what is important" to parents these days.
Second point: I think the Nuclear family, must take prominence to the "extended family". I see most of the problems lying with the extended connections (cousins, uncles, aunties, other culture, grandparents). Where superficiality and competition lies. The parent takes their time and attention away from their own children, to spend time with other relatives. Sometimes prioritising relatives over their own kids. Which is what I see happened too many times..
I definetly agree with this. My parents neglected me so they can take care of their relatives(spending time too much time with them giving them tons of money)
at the risk of sounding like a crazy fangirl, I'm going to ask again if you will allow me to interview you for my college class. we have to interview a social worker and you are my biggest inspiration for entering the field. would be honored to hear your perspective. totally understand if you arent interested, but I feel compelled to write and ask again anyways. your work has helped me so much and made me understand my coursework at a much deeper level.
Get away and stay away. If these people weren't related to you, would you choose to be in their company? Indeed, would you have anything to do with them? If the answer is, "No", act appropriately (Credit to: We Need to Talk With Kris Godinez).
Who is Kris Godinez?
I lived in Korea, China and Thailand. Spot on.
So euphemism for authoritarian.
I am currently reading a book where the author explains how our child rearing practices are required for our culture to stay alive. How parents are in a way the agents of the culture responsible for its continuation. The final casualty is child's wellbeing, then everybody's wellbeing, and lately planet's wellbeing as well.
Here an excerpt if anybody is interested:
"Detachment-inspired pedagogy is still widely practiced today. In the classroom, in the home, and in the stories we tell about ourselves to our children-on television, in film, in books-the nature of the child and the child’s place in the adult world continue to remain “obvious,” at least to the adult. Violence has evolved into a subtle, chronic hum that can be almost completely ignored. The child lives and breathes and, ultimately, becomes an expression of a dominant culture that practices violence and domination even in seemingly mundane relational moments."
Inventing the child by Joseph Zornado
Thanks for this, I’m going to look it up. This culture of domination and violence is unique to civilizations; things are very different in hunter-gatherer cultures. See the articles “How Hunter-Gatherers Maintained Their Egalitarian Ways” by Dr. Peter Gray and “Allowing Human Nature to Work Successfully” about Jean Liedloff and her experiences living with an Amazonian tribe.
I see civilization as being the traumatized/addicted/“diseased” (both literally and metaphorically - like the social equivalent of cancer) version of human society, whereas hunter-gathererism is the healthy and sustainable version. A great book that gets at aspects of this is by Jerry Mander: In the Absence of the Sacred: The Failure of Technology and the Survival of the Indian Nations.
@@penyarol83 Thanks for the recommendations. It is funny how we ended up reading the same author. One of the first book I've read as I was "coming to my senses" was The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff.
@@nbharakey I haven't read that one yet, although I'd like to, given what I know about the author. "Coming to one's senses" -- that's a great way to put it. I read an excerpt of Liedloff's once, quoted by the great Alice Miller (who REALLY brought me to my senses) -- it was about how a newborn baby feels while being neglected and left to cry for extended periods in a room all by itself -- heart rending and disturbing. Literal torture. Of a newborn. And no one notices, no one cares...
Truly, the issue with our society is that we are all so frighteningly detached from our feelings, thanks to having been put thru similar experiences as a baby -- truly a scary & dangerous state of affairs
Yes, this is so true. It's like there's a negative "pay it forward" going on from one generation to another. Which makes me wonder..who started it? I mean, if bad people were all the result of bad childhoods, there must have been some bad original parents. Or were they all bad? Do humans have inherent self-hate embedded, which they pass down to their kids? Or is it the tendency to take out anger and frustrations in life onto those around us, kids being the favorite targets?
It all started when two assholes decided to take their kids out of Africa and into Mesopotamia. We've all been fucked up ever since.
At 11:10
"..honouring one's parents.. actually honouring screwed up side of one's parents.."
Ahhhh! 😬😅😅
From my observations, shame based cultures are the ones that tend to be family oriented such as China. Where as, guilt based cultures tend to be focused primarily on the individual, such as the United States.
Heres a video I watched the other day which goes into depth about this from a historical perspective.
czcams.com/video/exCcz6uLbw8/video.html
But psychologist Nancy H. Kobrin says in her video interview with that man from Pakistan that guilt is a more developed/evolved/mature emotion than shame is.
The horrors I've seen from these "family-oriented" cultures is sick and toxic. It means don't question the parents, and it goes right into adulthood. You will have 35 year olds who are essentially still children, thinking and doing whatever their parents want.
Thank you for all your videos. Very helpful. Speaking of family culture, I hope you make a video about black 🖤 sheep 🐑 of families and the scape goating.
He already did it. Search for "Being Scapegoated After Breaking From Your Family"
Hi Rosa (and thanks Hugh), Yes, I already made a video on the subject: czcams.com/video/1oW9KuCahOA/video.html
I broke away because my family was so toxic. I only know survival mode.
This is an eye opener for me. I am Indian and I totally agree with you
Hi Monisha,Indian here,which state!?
@@anshukiran5543 TN
The reason that the west is mostly doesn’t have extremely tight family oriented culture is religion......in more religious culture, the control of family is driven directly from religion scripture, and many Tim’s even engraved in law in some countries.. where for example a woman can not marry without her father marrying her , needing father written permission to get job or driving license.... it’s a nightmare beyond anyone imagination 😞
But aren't many communist countries also family oriented? Like North Korea? Cuba?
Lovely talk as always Daniel, thank you.
Guilty Parenting can get you to this same place with your children. They feel entitled to ALWAYS be taken care of (have you meet their needs and wants) as ADULTS. I sometimes experience a need to break away from my own family. It’s like I reproduced the bondage of my family of origin as if we must dance this dance forever.
I enjoyed this a lot. Thank you for sharing this. I really resonate. 🙏🌊💗
Thank you for another great video Daniel. Very grateful here. Thank you for being so authentic.
Now I’m realizing to that it’s so toxic to live with your family member as an adult. I live on my own and pay my own rent and no one that’s not going to work on themselves fully and completely will take that away from me and I’m not gonna sit here and parent in my romantic relationships nor do I want anyone to parent me.
Great insight on what's really being worshiped in those cultures.
Nice, succinct video
Yesterday i was arguing with my mother , and i told her that sons and daughters are not personal projects to evetually profit from... And she said, "of course they are!, They are my life project! And i have invested too much on them for not get anything back! " i was horryfied to listen to her saying it so naturally, yet i was not surprised...her actions always said that... I tried to explain her why that was a wrong and unhealthy learned view and she just stayed silent...
Phenomenal! 🤍
As usual, a great video by Daniel. He really does tackle subjects too tabbo for mainstream at times even in the Internet where there is a lot of great content. His family situation far worse than mine but we all have our biases understandably. He is right to point out that those of us in the USA have it easier bit still toight. It was a good reminder for me however that at least im not in same family situation in another culture..i loved the "other side" of this phrase but that said for all those reasonably healthy and decent functioning families it is a fantastic thing to have people you love who love you and will have your back when the chips are down. People living life alone or those who rush into relationships too soon to get that security and love or those so dysfunctional and broken that they seek out the same dysfunction in their partner and sadly have children with them bc they didn't get that have a much harderr road to hoe especially these days when econmic instability is rampant and especially those who were strong enough to not use someone just to get married and have kids. As be said towards the end... the goal would be to have more healthy families but of course that is no essy feat n sadly becoming less likely.
I’ve been reading by your book and have been breaking away from my family. I haven’t heard from them for a while. God is giving me so much insight not only on my family but on my relationships to. I’ve pretty much just shut down. Also my work place is full of gossip so I’ve also been staying away from that to. It’s been pretty lonely but I know I’ll be okay. People just don’t want to work on myself but I choose to work on myself and if that other person does then great but if they don’t then 🤷♀️
What solution do people propose for the greater society?
Really brilliant observation for me to hear ... yes, family oriented does seem to actually mean it's about taking care of the parents.
It's interesting to reflect on the Old Testament laws from this point of view. (Not the New Testament--Jesus pushes back when he's told his biological family wants to talk to him, saying those who love God are his family.) Thanks for this insight, Daniel Mackler!
Thank you for this work. Very true an plain to see. Makes perfect sense and I see the same in my own family and those families that I have witnessed over the years. People lie to themselves and think they are going to fix social and political problems when their own homes are on fire. How lost we are…..
I'm from Spain and I agree there is social pressure to remain attached, but not all is bad. My parents have over the years stopped coercing us, and are now very warm and generous in many ways. They also work on themselves. I look forward to see them, and hope to become like them to my children.
Hey Daniel I clicked on the link on your website to your full length films and they all direct here, might be worth updating those links
Daniel prior to you breaking away from your parents, was there a point in time where you felt obligated to visit your parents because you felt that if you did not you were a bad person?
Are you doing it because there are genuine aspects of them that make you wanna see them, or is it because of the labels "parent" "family". Would you feel this obligation were those labels stripped away?
@@xslt1692 are you sure?
If you're an only-child in the family, that doesn't help anything once you're all grown up. It's like your happiness, has been thrown out the window because there's no one else to help you look after the folks.
Lol, as usual Danny Boy, you have an awesome way of explaining issues, which Allows me to have fun while I learn about myself. Yes, in my family I took care of my super dysfunctional mother many years until her death five years ago. Now I’m looking for any of my children to do the same for me but it seems like they all did the disappearance act, lol! Oh well ……
Thanks!
I was so invisible, there is no bad parenting to point to. I was a house plant.
My family is Asian, very religious and family oriented. Which means, ME being required to give give give, provide provide provide from an extremely young age, and even till now.
I am completely burnt out all the time, and my parents happen to still demand me to give, also my husband requires me to give give give.
I am done, I never signed up for this, never asked to be created, so fxxk them
Poland is this. This is Poland. Hopefully not 100%. My experience. My fam...
"Family Values" is the American buzzword for it.
Im half mexican and this concept of not taking care of your family when theyre order is still utterly bizarre to me. Like its mostly about looking out for people when theyre unable to because the world won't.
I get theres alot of bad parents, just its a bizarre concept to me.
My parents did a bad job on me.
A sick society is not worth continuing, the cycle ends here.
So true my boy friend with whom we had a good relationship left saying I get marry with the family of a girl and you are not close to yours so what can I do then?…
gods in most religions represent an emotionally inmature parent
Yeah, like a narcissistic deity, dissociated from his own "darkness" ?
Do you have any advice for breaking away from family like this? If anyone know, please share it with me because I feel extremely stuck, whilst struggling with social anxiety and I don't have any friends at all.
I think this is an interesting topic and there's a lot to it but I think his description more to Asian cultures (i.e, "filial piety") and not as much to European ones...also I sometimes wonder if more "collectivistic" cultures would create mental health diagnoses for Americans based on their almost-phobic reaction(s) to connection(s) to others (physically, psychoemotionally, etc.)
(Confucius once said a man his two identities in life, his father's son and his son's father). Also I would say that there's a heavy expectation that parents who arrange their children's marriage also look for someone who is compatible and will make their child happy (it's not as mercenary at Dan makes it sound necessarily. In the West I think people find as they get older that a lot of marriage is about compatibility and this can be hard to manufacture).
Daniel, is it not true that the inner child must be the true father for the man? We have potential that can only be actualized when we begin to take care of ourselves.
Yes it is not family oriented culture it is cult oriented culture.
Be careful: I have watched prob most of Daniels videos and there’s def a lot I relate with my own family. I def understand the work that needs to be done. But there is a whole lot of resentment and anger that Daniel needs to address related to family. All of his opinions seemed to polluted by that. Part of understanding this process is realizing that everyone is doing the best they can including their parents. There is no advantage thinking otherwise. unplug from your family and find yourself but learning to forgive is the end path. The answer is not to be alone the rest of your life and celibate like Daniel claims. This is a delicate nuanced process. Along with forgiveness we a certain level of accepting the world as it is, otherwise it’s a path to misery thinking we can control everything
At the age of five a hadza child can take up to half of his caloric needs by himself! Imagine what a ten year old can do? And when they hit puberty and become strong adolescent...they are basically free to go! There are no families in the hadzabe tribe of Tanzania. The very name of the tribe means "we...*people*"!! Like a computer game or a school where you can choose which school you go. Those schools are called camps. The camps never exceed a certain number of people and never go under a certain amount of members!! There are also specific *kinds* of camps. One which has more young extremely playful members. One which has only experienced people. Or any mix of those examples.
Most camps rotate there location! They follow the movement of the sun, that's were animals also go. Members of camps can choose to leave and join new ones, according to *their* needs.
So Daniel, this is one of the oldest tribes we know that still exists and lives the way they have done long before agriculturalism evolved. They are not Maasai. They are there neighbours who get pushed out of there Homeland by the Maasai. And these Hunter gatherers don't live off of cows blood and herbs! They mostly eat honey they find actually with the help of the "honey guide" bird. They have abundance of berries. They also have year round supply of baobab, which is also a fruit.
I even heard a parent say: "my life is easy, if I can't hunt any meat, or can't find honey, there always berries and baobab. And if even *that* is hard to find. There are always roots and tubers available to dig (which is the job of the women). Lol
I enjoy there social rituals. It is not mystic at all. Or wow so fancy. It's more like to see which role does one take in "society". They run and dance in circles together and children take the central position.
So I think I desperately want to proof that there *are* these ultra healthy pockets.
We are just so far away from that ideal.
Let's see what I can do for myself regards of that ideal.
So far I *could* break away from *both* of my parents.
I live in a communist country which taxes the middle class to make migrants live in industrial low class hot spots.
It was easy *the social system* just took care of me. Other wise I would never have broken away.
Funny thing, the children who are in these low class families *are the unhealthiest* and have the most need to break away.
I resent my father taking the easy route!! He chose to make kids and then couldn't support the family by himself and took government aid plus family size apartment. In which he made *another* child. To get even more benefits.
So selfish. And he was sending money to his family!
I feel *robbed*.
I am making up for my losses.
Feels more like a self-obsessed culture
In family oriented structure, you are not leaving a family... You are running away from a cult. You litteraly need to develop an escape plan to leave this place. Even as an adult you are controled like a toddler, your opinions are rarely taken into consideration and you feel small and insignficant all the time, always forced to please the family by fear of ostracisation. It is no way to live.
!!! #entitledbreeder
I don't know how we can move beyond this as long as the elderly and otherwise vulnerable are not looked after by the state in some capacity. At the moment, capitalist society and even the societies of "developing countries" still rely on the younger to look after the older ones as they become infirm. With ageing populations in the West thanks to longer life expectancy, you're looking at a society-wide burden the old will come to exert, in all areas of life. If the state does not step up to look after the elderly, who will? Other than the younger generations who are expected to just take on that burden, along with all the others. In the States, you guys already seem to have a gerontocracy. The elders in so many countries have a death-grip on the levers of power and won't relinquish it easily.
11:46 Will never happen in this world.
Yep. We are perfectly articulating a problem that has no solution.
Also the family is usually patriarchy oriented. When you look up family hierarchy structure you see male figure at top. We all now can see how damages it made for years
Read journey of souls by newton. Spirits do pick their parents pre incarnation. The choices of b9dy are limited however.
@@xslt1692 are you an empath? You seem to be taljing about your psychic impressions of the world timelines. Of course something historical is happening. Watch this
@@xslt1692 czcams.com/video/57Mrgx1F4B4/video.html
@@xslt1692 essentially predicting most probable future events by picking up on what the public thinks or feels. It is related to prophecy or divination
Please stop this nonsense. Who chose their parents? Abused children? Children of alcoholics and drug addicts?
As a biracial person from a white Australian parent and a, middle eastern parent, I'm disappointed by your limited understanding of this topic which is not something that can be explored in a short video. As much as I enjoy some of your videos, I find you can project your personal and ethnocentric biases onto your discussions without realizing.
Sounds like you are suffering from Stockholm syndrome.
very true, America is the best.
Daniel Mackler: Jesus criticized Jews of his day for using special exemptions devised by the Pharisees to not take care of genuine needs of their parents. Are you with them?
Seek help. You belive in a book that promotes slavery , in a God that has no intelligence to teach or heal trauma and mental illness without promoting mass murder and eternal damnation in hell.
Serendipity. The Bible is against the type of slavery called men stealing throughout. Bible is a progressive revelation. In the Old testament the Hebrew could go into slavery for debt, but was to have the opportunity for release from debt slavery after seven years. In the new testament, Paul teaches to Roman slaveholders who became Christians, that slaves and masters were equal. As community of goods, voluntarily, among believers also was taught, slaveholding is NOT taught in the N.T.
2. "Psychological" trauma is rooted in the fear of death, which fear, as Ernst Becker well shows in the Denial of Death, is what underlies man's creation of almost all of his institutions. They are vanity -- "vanity, vanity, all is vanity" -- says Solomon, in Ecclesiastes, after telling a lot (and pretty big stuff) that he'd done. But Jesus gave witness to his own statement that all shall be resurrected, by being killed on the cross (his death being tested by experienced Roman crucifiers), buried in a sealed and guarded tomb, and then being witnessed on several. occasions by many to be alive, numbers of those giving their lives for maintaining their testimony of his resurrection.
Since you seem to have confreres, Serendipity, in your protestations against what you suppose, not correctly, to be taught in the Scripture, I am going, for their possible consideration, to add here a couple of comments relative to 1. textual criticism, and 2. to a key issue, since DNA, of the alleged "science" of evolution, First, all but the most extreme [about 2%] of the textual critics accept as genuine, certain letters of a man they deem to be historic, Paul. However, from that "minimum facts" evidence, without any of the gospel accounts, and most of the letters, one is left with Paul's writing of conversing with men who had known Jesus, or seen him resurrected after his crucifixion. As a mass hypnosis of the type which would be required to explain away the testimony of the resurrection of those Paul knew, is apparently not known in the psychological literature, one is left with even these textual skeptics struggling against the implications of their own convictions.
If you choose the 2%, you will have cold company.
As for DNA, it holds the most marvelous, and complex CODE of instructions, which is continuously executed on the cells and tissues of a body to enable animate beings to live. The difficulty for those who want to believe that chance processes brought about living beings is that the genetic code is a CODE -- and there is no code known that was not made by an intelligence,
An Intelligent designer, is, therefore, the only way animàte life with DNA could have come into being.
God gave Jesus, that people could know that they need not fear death, and there is lots else, notably that of the possibility of being born again, the command to repent, to provide restitution, to confess sins to one another, all of which are some of t lolhe parts of "the way." A lot of that faith once delivered to the saints has been mangled by those under the spell of Roman Catholicism or Calvinism, etc. Their teachings such as you mention are not correct, not what Jesus and the Bible teach.
God does not give the specifics of methods to dissolve psychological traumas, because of the great possibility for them to be badly misused as the motor of a vile cult -- as has happened, for example, thru Hubbard.
Well, you have made añ unplanned fortunate discovery, "Serendipity." I made my comment for Mackler, to pique him, as "parents are people, too,"
and can deserve our compassion, yes, and even our care. There is no automatic answer. If there is any further from me here, it will be on that, but what this is, you're welcome to.
As is Jordan Peterson, who didn't get hooked on benzos for nothing, and maybe he's not beyond help.
An antisemite,
What else is new yawn
Eric - You àre calling me an anti-Semite, aren’t you? I am not an anti-semite, and to have published that of me is a libel. It makes your standing in this forum that of a false accuser.
For those who might have been confused by your libel: My original statement is referring to the issue of whether Daniel Mackler is of the PHILOSOPHY of people who negate the 5th Commandment, which was done by a particular party of Pharisee Jews of Jesus day, that Jesus referred to. Other Jews, and parties of Jews, did NOT negate that 5th Commandment, and religious parties other than Jews negate the 5th Commandment. So, the QUESTION asked is neither a slur, nor implied slur on Jews or Mr. Mackler. Mr. Mackler is a public figure, who exhorts people according to a philosophy I’d like to see him declare more particulars of. Because I hàve done so in a way that puts some pressure for an answer, the one castigates me for someone else's Christianity, and the other has libelled me as an anti-semite.
Neither my statement nor my question is anti-Semitic, nor am I. You could have asked me what I meant, when you couldn't understand the reference. Instead, you decided, and casually -- "what else is new," you say -- and, interjecting "yawn,” as though to do so was boring, to libel me as anti-Semite.
Withdraw your libel, and apologize.
@@catiapb1 liar
Imo, to not be “family oriented” means to be largely in the pursuit of hedonistic desires. But i can see how someone who grew up with narcissistic parents that were self-involved, could develop a want/need to break away.