"She started using other drugs: fakeness, grandiosity, religion "..... This video helped me to understand that these things are indeed...drugs. Every one of your videos gives me new understand. ❤
I think I've watched nearly all your videos and this is my new favorite. So raw and real. Thank you so much for sharing this, it really hits home for a lot of us I'm sure.
Your openness touches me. The way in which you are true to yourself and your own feelings on the past inspires me to go on the same road. Thank you, Daniel. You do more than you think here on youtube❤
I can relate so much to this. And it shows how these personalities choose their behaviour consciously, which is important for us because we can go away and not feel guilty.
Honesty makes us vulnerable, and her ego came in to protect her facing your very real and authentic emotional responses to her honesty. Ego protects us but also diminishes authentic connection. That's the source of all pain I'm realising more and more about what keeps us stuck, one step forward 2 back. Fear, self protection. Facing the fear is more fun and exhilarating but it comes with risk and loss of control.
I wonder if you read these comments Daniel. I watched this video and went to visit my parent who harmed me (I did almost die). I asked if we could have a very honest conversation (we only had 4 hours). It was strange and we both learned things. I offered my parent my complete forgiveness and love. The honesty we had helped put that part of my life to rest. Thank you Daniel Mackler.
My word... beautiful honesty, so rare...I'm your videos and those days with your mother. I have also experienced 'lucid moments' from my most toxic partners and briefly with parents. These videos are so important. They offer a right to be brave in the face of barely articulable emotions. Thank you Daniel!
Compassion is the feeling that comes after true forgiveness and aloud us to makes us go back to our past remembering that our parents were the victims of their parents and so on for generations. Conciousness and Love is what ultimately free us from resentment. I love you Daniel❤ because I learned to love myself💋❤💋
I have got the impression from Daniel´s videos that he feels very much compassion towards his parents in spite of all the bad things they did to him. But I don´t remember him having ever mentioned having forgiven them, at least in this video he did not... In my opinion, forgiveness is not a precondition for being able to feel compassion or empathy towards someone by whom one has been harmed or wronged. I think compassion and forgiveness are two quite separate things, and one can exist without the other. - Daniel has made a video earlier called Questions about Forgiveness, one that I resonate very much.
Thank you for being so open and honest with your audience. It must be hard to open up on CZcams to so many people, but your videos are always so insightful and help so many people.
This was so beautifully told, Daniel! What i love about you and your channel is the authentic, unedited way in which you share your thoughts. I'm so grateful for you! I'm an ex therapist still working in the field as a crisis outreach worker, trying to help people with so much trauma and deep wounds in the confines of a 4 hour intervention and nothing but insurance driven mental health modalities to refer people to. I feel so frustrated and helpless at times. I've been binge washing your videos since i found your channel 2 days ago, and i feel like the the thirsty person who has finally found cool water.
Dear Daniel, thank you for sharing this. I have been reading Oprah Winfrey’s new book, “what happened to you”... it’s about childhood trauma and selling millions 😆 The issue is the book is very gaslighting and victim blaming and expects children to try and integrate their own brains. As a family scapegoat. I feel triggered that Oprah is a narcissistic personality disorder. And that Oprah is gaslighting everyone with her trauma story and how easy it was to integrate and learn to re-establish her brain. Oprah talks like she manage to do everything right and fix her own brain up herself but she had good help from Myer and Gail had two good friends plus she was fortunate to have very intelligent high language skills. Do you see this book by Oprah has another further way of controlling the narcissistic power structures that are ruling the world? Is Oprah gaslighting family scapegoat kids again?
Amazing. Most people never get that kind of validation. Glad you treasure it. Just want to let you know that I watch your videos when they first come out. Besides taking a day or so to reflect on them, I am still dealing with a situation here. Thank you
This mans videos never cease to amaze, they always hit the spot with raw unadulterated truth. Takes a lot of courage to lay it on the table with such conviction. To reach that level of liberation must be wonderful.
Beautiful video. Daring to be vulnerable is the ultimate strength. I am really sorry your mother only managed to be strong for those three days❤️ I think you are helping many people with this video
There's a culture of facade and lies in earlier generations that's changing in modern society. In my culture everything is lies and facades. My parents are Iranian
@crazy2coolauntie When I read "culture of facade and lies", my mind immediately jumped to a covert narcissist ex-boyfriend even before I read the rest of your comment -- that your parents are Iranian. Then my jaw dropped because he's Iranian, too. This is not the first time I've seen the culture described this way. How sad. I thought he was the love of my life till I figured him out.
Daniel you have gotten me through so much 🙏🙏🙏 I love hearing your empathetic voice, it's healing and calming. Battling covid right now and mentally battling rage for my narcissistic/BPD mother
Hi, I have listened to many of your videos, but really thanks this really hit home with me, this is something that I crave so much in my life is not perfection but just being real..thanks
I can relate so much to this, too. I had to pause the video early on. I don't recall ever hearing a man speak about his childhood growing up with an alcoholic mom. It was the same in my home - my Mom might go for a month without drinking, then have a day of drinking all day, and I would watch her personality change from nice to emotionally abusive and violent because I was the one she "targeted." I became much more aware of it, too, in my teen years, but remember how scary it could be as a child. I have wanted to get into therapy, but I have a health insurance for low income, and mainly the psychiatrist wants to give meds like antidepressants, (I've tried so many through the years), and they don't do anything but numb me without bringing the benefits the doctor says I'll have. The social worker only sees me around once every three weeks to a month. They shut me down, so to speak, by saying I'm so anxious, it's better we don't get into the past. I can never, ever "get it out," because I'm only allowed to talk about the present. Truly. It's like no individualized treatment, but the focus seems to be reading from a paper about going on a journey, in my mind, to a peaceful place. It's not really therapy. I never feel safe. I would like love and caring, and just put all my energies into work through the years, always trying to understand the pattern of my life, which seemed to involve people that crossed boundaries and were all about them. There were kind and friendly people, too, but now I stay isolated and barely function. I would really like to have someone help me process it all, and until watching Dan's videos, I didn't realize how I do need to grieve all those years, and the helpless way I felt a lot of the time. I find these videos so helpful, in that I'm learning I'm not entirely alone in my feelings, and the comments also are insightful. The counselors I've seen seem to be invalidating, and void of empathy. I know I'm goofed up - with panic attacks and clinical depression, but I'm a caring and loving person. I fear aggression and have always retreated, in older years. Thank you, Dan, for these wonderful enlightening videos. I would like to self-heal, but it's so very difficult to face it all down alone.
I never had a mother. she gave birth to me when she was 17. soon after she started using drugs and i was left with my father. at the age of 2 and 6 i needed to have two open heart operations. i have no idea what she was doing in that time. for a few years i saw her couple of times a year, even though she lived in the same neighbourhood. and when I was 16 my dad told me she died. overdose. noone in my family talked to me about her. i know so little about her she feels like a strager to me and even so, I clearly remember the joy I felt, when she visited me those couple of times a year. I cant help but feel love for her. she was lost in the world just as I was for a long portion of my life. Im 26 now and will never know what its like to have a mother. I wish for a baby girl so that one day I can be one. or at least try my best
I'm sorry for your multiple losses around your mother. I'm sorry for whatever caused her losses, too. I had a mother, yet don't feel like I had a mother. When you're ready, I hope you get the daughter you'd like. In the meantime, I hope you get and have had motherly love from others. Hugs!!
You have the chance to invent how amazing she was. You can make her a queen and know she’s looking down fondly at her child. Make it magical and full of love
They say that AA isn't actually that great a program. A book came out about it a couple of years ago. Being told you should define yourself by your illness ("I am an alcoholic") is a not a positive way to go forward. Hard to forgive or understand those who have hurt you and I cannot imagine what it was like growing up with such a mother but she sounds like she has been through terrible trauma and has gotten little love throughout her life. Her not being defended by her family must have broken her as much as the rape.
Yes AA bit gaslighting language about being raised by a narcissist or dysfunctional parent or alcoholic parent... healing is limited in ALCOHOLIC ANONYMOUS it’s a bit old now and aging
I agree. There's some other lies that keep circulating there too (I've never been there but I've heard). Many people say, that relapse is a normal part of recovery, but actually it isn't. It's a normal part of addiction. Also, addicts are not powerless and out of control. They are just brainwashed (by themselves and others) to think they cannot control what they do.
I think when you reach states like that, you can end up feeling like nothing more can harm you, not realizing how much work there is to still do or how vulnerable you are to even worse damage without the mental armor you've been relying on.
@@hollyporter7536 Thank you Holly. It was all so unnecessary. She had five good kids, but her religion taught her that we were born sinners and she had to beat that out of us (spare the rod spoil the child). Not that she couldn't be kind at times, she could, but overall she wasn't that nurturing. It was really obvious when you saw her interact with her grandchildren. I watched as my nieces and nephews were treated differently than she treated her own children. I had no memory of her saying "I love you" to any of us, at any age, but she said it often to the grandchildren. It confirmed what I had already known for over sixty years. I felt she didn't really like me. She died about two months ago, and I wasn't told about it since I had no contact with her or my siblings for about two years. The 'no contact' came about quite by accident. They would call if they needed help for something that was in need of repair but not ever just to see how I was doing, or what I was doing. They had no interest, so as a test I stopped calling and I stopped going there to visit. The results were that, surprise, surprise, I never heard another word from any of them. Nothing. My only regret is that I was an attentive and loyal son for 63 years and that I gave them the opportunity to disinherit me at the last two years, which they did. My other only regret is that I didn't move far away from them after high school. It's more than you asked for but thanks for listening, it felt good to type it out. Wayne
Daniel, I had a similar experience where I confronted my own father about being an alcoholic. I went very well as he didn’t resist at all and there was some healing. But it was too late, he died some years later so the years of my childhood trauma were never really fully healed or at all.
Thank you for sharing this. It's a lesson in appreciating what is good, even when the preponderance of experiences were not positive. You were able to take in the value of that. Something I need to learn how to do.
Thank you for sharing your story Daniel! It was really emotional to hear because there's so much honesty, sincerity in it and it's so heartfelt. I wonder for myself though, if I would feel similar kind of feelings for my mother and this wide range of intense feelings at all, even if she somehow has realized things about her life like that (which is possible) and communicated all this to me (which is impossible because of her personality and the kind of relationship she's always had with me and her feelings about me). I think I would only feel total alienation, but it would be more stable then and wouldn't unconsciously change back into some weird kind of sort of attachment (and that alienation would be freeing in my case), I would definitely have a more definite sense of self (which she robbed me from from the very beginning and which I usually start to have when the truth about my childhood and her gets me), I would have the deserved feeling of righteousness because all this time I was gaslit to deny all the gut feelings I've ever had or was being distracted and manipulated out of feeling whatever I feel or out of saying whatever I'd say and out of being myself at all. I would also feel more disgust towards her than I've already started to feel since realizing things about her for the first time. And that would be it, all my feelings. I would pity her at best/feel slightly sad for her and that would only be coming from associating her with my own self as an adult if she wasn't my mother. I probably did have some feelings of need towards her and it's long ago buried somewhere in my childhood, first couple of years of it maximum, but love? No. From what it looks like, it's a much more complex feeling. I'm not sure if I'm capable of ever feeling it at all towards anyone/anything unless it's a perverse delusion that gets called 'love''. I had a weak sense of bond with her to begin with, according to my therapist. And I don't even know how to cure it, something that never happened to begin with apart from the sick stuff that kinda did and at least you can sort of point your finger at it, but in my case it was mostly what was supposed to happen, but didn't, and that sick things that did happen were mostly the result of her wanting to get rid of me + her expectations of me to fulfill some of her most primitive needs as her ''mother'' such as for me to just physically be there with no personality nor needs or emotions of my own whatsoever or for me to read her mind, guess what she needs without her even expressing it and provide that for her + not to embarrass her in front of other people as abnormal/bad mother and my mother by being my own self because other people's opinion and her passing to them as normal and 'good' has always been most important for her thanks to her narcissistic mother and she did have a lot of success in it as opposed to me.
Thank you for sharing that amazing experience dear Daniel. That was very moving... it really touched my heart. Yes, what a blessing it was to have been given those truths ⚡️
I'm reading the book "the selfish gene". Sometimes I wonder my mom was right, she doesn't like kids and she never wanted kids (she said she was "forced" to give birth to me under the pressure of family system and society). By doing her self-sabotage behavior and being abusive to me, if I commit suicide or refuse to have kids, then the perverse family system can end in my generation. Or if I ever heal from it, I will make sure this pervert won't pass on.
I think your true self was connected with the true self of your mom for those three days. The days she was feeling save enough to put down her protective self. The bundle of paterns she created to survive life as a child. The patterns she'd repeated for the last 50 years. Once created to keep her save. The bundle of patterns which is called her personality. But this is not who she is, she is a rare loving soul, just like you. I can relate to your experiences and personally struggled with the idea of my mom passing away one day and she'd never seen me for who I really am and we would never truly be connected. But actually, when she would die, only the patterns would die, the personality. I, and you in your case, will always be connected with her true self, her soul. And she with your true self. Like you both felt during those three days. You felt save to put down your protective self too right? Maybe you just don't want to connect with her protective self anymore (maybe it even triggers you to to fall back into your own protective patterns which you're healing day by day?) and have free will to choose distance from her protective self/personality/bundle of behaviour patterns. And only choose to connect with her true self. Which you can influence positively, in setting the stage for her, so she feels save to show it. Maybe you can feel to allow her the dignity of her own life journey. Ps: Thank you for all your helpful, honest, courageous, relatable and authentic video's!! Love them all 🌞
Ok so what would it be the dignity? I know I have been an abuser and i realize it now, and trying to get a job so i can pay therapy to fix this behaviours, but that doesn’t mean that i dont want to get my college degree or keep pursuing my dreams, so, the right path would be letting me die or complete isolation? Live with my sad self of regretness and ending in the streets or worse to get what i deserve? I mean i can and will take my part of responsibility, because mostly of what i did was as a stupid irresponsible child, but that doesn’t mean i would like to kill myself or live according to what i should, if i manage to get true skills, i would keep trying to grow, because like it or not it’s still my life and i dont want it to end bad. Being honest? Sure, but being too honest so i get kicked out? No, sir. And i understand why a lot f people do not take their part of responsibility otherwise a lot would end homeless. Interesting enough. So, maybe the answer is yes, most of the bad people would always trade dignity, for commodities. No skills developed, and maybe if some would start to, it still would be “unfair”. Like reformed criminals who learn in workshops and people still think is not fair. Why people become like this? Simple, nobody lets them grow, know their traits and get into addiction since young age, if an adult struggle with addictions, imagine a kid, whose perspective molds through addiction, and as an adult wants to get out, because of the stupid irrational quotes of oh, the kid chose that path, he have to get out alone by himself, the dopamine blinds the brain, and with nobody to take him or her out, because the actual family promotes that pattern too. What is left? A damaged brain, reputation, future, self esteem, and on and on. And then what? Some can recompose, but for the patterns as adults, and as shitty as life becomes some even try to find happiness even in the smallest things.
Your story telling reminds me of monologues read on stage at theatre. You can write one for a broadway performance :)) your facial expressions are conducive to creating a captivating stage act.
I believe in 12 step groups. In combination with therapy. 12 step groups provide a friendship circle and learning to share and talk. I learnt to talk and have friends from Ga.
Ah yes, that openness and honesty followed by shutting down and reversion to old behaviours. How well I know that pattern. It draws you in and if you are not careful leaves you open to being abused again.
Binge drinking is the worst and the sad thing is that my brain still thinks it’s okay to drink at times which is why I try and stay away from alcohol. Idk why I burst out laughing when you said she’s an alcoholic probably something I would do when drunk. Looks like you got a lot of truth from her. 🤔
Hi buddi. How have you been doing? Im Camilo, your friend from Chile, Santiago. Espero que todo vaya bien en tu vida, un abrazo de mi parte, de Gabriela y Olivia.
It would be great if my mom could get up the courage to be genuine for 3 days. I don't think she even knows how to be genuine anymore. She has been fake for so long, I don't think she can come back out of her lala bubble land.
Sadly my mom is still a force of energised hate towards me. It’s not easy to manage. I am low contact. I did try Bowen family systems and was very over nice spoiling compliment her and it did work.. she became “nice” back... but it was a mimicking relationship and false too.
Putting self first, you shouldnt have to put up with all that, squirm for their love, you know what's up daniel, it's just reason! And love! :) and fuck christianity!
I'm curious about your thoughts regarding free will. Many people say it's mostly an illusion. If this is really the case it would mean people's bad behavior is no more their fault than the color of their eyes or skin. What do you think regarding this? Are our choices really our own or just a product of our nature and nurture?
A good question. Perhaps Daniel will answer it in some of his future videos...:) In my opinion, as difficult as the question about free will is, it would be horrific to think that because of our traumatization we should consider ourselves and others unable to take any responsibility for our wrongdoings. I think it would be respectful to expect responsibility from everyone - even from people who are extremely traumatized (or in the language of psychiatry, have some severe diagnosis) and because of the dissociation that comes along with the trauma not quite conscious of their motives.
That's why it's called Recovery. It just re-covers the original traumatic wounds by not addressing them. People keep themselves busy and away from the wounds by running to meetings, sponsoring people etc. Of course, there are people in 12 steps who realise this and seek the help they need to address this concern, whilst retaining their participation.
It strikes me that you are describing a microcosm that is parallel to the macrocosm of racism, especially in countries and cultures where slavery was an institution.
I don't think you can live your whole life in a vulnerable state. I think you shouldn't be so judgemental of your own mother and just be happy for her new life and sobriety.
Children tell the truth 🤷🏼♀️to discredit someone’s trauma with their parents is invalidating and shitty. I have trauma from therapists doing that for years.
I’ve noticed a lot of strange comments on this video- I think it likely is one of his mother’s friends, because he hasn’t really been so open about his traumas in the past. And from what I remember he said that his parents do know about this channel so I’m sure they’re watching!
My problem is the latter. I am honest and friends and relationships can’t stand my helpful unsolicited advice and critics to help improve them 🙊🗣️🫴🏽😀😄🙂🙃😟😕🤔
"She started using other drugs: fakeness, grandiosity, religion ".....
This video helped me to understand that these things are indeed...drugs.
Every one of your videos gives me new understand. ❤
I think I've watched nearly all your videos and this is my new favorite. So raw and real. Thank you so much for sharing this, it really hits home for a lot of us I'm sure.
Your openness touches me. The way in which you are true to yourself and your own feelings on the past inspires me to go on the same road. Thank you, Daniel. You do more than you think here on youtube❤
I can relate so much to this. And it shows how these personalities choose their behaviour consciously, which is important for us because we can go away and not feel guilty.
They're hurt ppl and they perpetuate their pain onto others...that is not conscious.
The three days she opened up to you remind me of a narcissist going through the love bombing phase.
Honesty makes us vulnerable, and her ego came in to protect her facing your very real and authentic emotional responses to her honesty. Ego protects us but also diminishes authentic connection. That's the source of all pain I'm realising more and more about what keeps us stuck, one step forward 2 back. Fear, self protection. Facing the fear is more fun and exhilarating but it comes with risk and loss of control.
I wonder if you read these comments Daniel. I watched this video and went to visit my parent who harmed me (I did almost die). I asked if we could have a very honest conversation (we only had 4 hours). It was strange and we both learned things. I offered my parent my complete forgiveness and love. The honesty we had helped put that part of my life to rest. Thank you Daniel Mackler.
The way you describe your mother trying to confuse and manipulate your view of reality helps me deal with my own history
I really appreciate your videos. Thank you for sharing your story! ❤️
Your welcime
My word... beautiful honesty, so rare...I'm your videos and those days with your mother. I have also experienced 'lucid moments' from my most toxic partners and briefly with parents. These videos are so important. They offer a right to be brave in the face of barely articulable emotions. Thank you Daniel!
Your words inspired me, Daniel. Maybe I should try to be more honest with people myself...
Compassion is the feeling that comes after true forgiveness and aloud us to makes us go back to our past remembering that our parents were the victims of their parents and so on for generations. Conciousness and Love is what ultimately free us from resentment. I love you Daniel❤ because I learned to love myself💋❤💋
I have got the impression from Daniel´s videos that he feels very much compassion towards his parents in spite of all the bad things they did to him. But I don´t remember him having ever mentioned having forgiven them, at least in this video he did not... In my opinion, forgiveness is not a precondition for being able to feel compassion or empathy towards someone by whom one has been harmed or wronged. I think compassion and forgiveness are two quite separate things, and one can exist without the other. - Daniel has made a video earlier called Questions about Forgiveness, one that I resonate very much.
Beautiful! At least you got three days.
the pain of being human really sucks!
honesty is necessary for healing.
Thank you for being so open and honest with your audience. It must be hard to open up on CZcams to so many people, but your videos are always so insightful and help so many people.
This was so beautifully told, Daniel! What i love about you and your channel is the authentic, unedited way in which you share your thoughts.
I'm so grateful for you!
I'm an ex therapist still working in the field as a crisis outreach worker, trying to help people with so much trauma and deep wounds in the confines of a 4 hour intervention and nothing but insurance driven mental health modalities to refer people to. I feel so frustrated and helpless at times.
I've been binge washing your videos since i found your channel 2 days ago, and i feel like the the thirsty person who has finally found cool water.
Dear Daniel, thank you for sharing this. I have been reading Oprah Winfrey’s new book, “what happened to you”... it’s about childhood trauma and selling millions 😆 The issue is the book is very gaslighting and victim blaming and expects children to try and integrate their own brains. As a family scapegoat. I feel triggered that Oprah is a narcissistic personality disorder. And that Oprah is gaslighting everyone with her trauma story and how easy it was to integrate and learn to re-establish her brain. Oprah talks like she manage to do everything right and fix her own brain up herself but she had good help from Myer and Gail had two good friends plus she was fortunate to have very intelligent high language skills. Do you see this book by Oprah has another further way of controlling the narcissistic power structures that are ruling the world? Is Oprah gaslighting family scapegoat kids again?
However she’s still addicted to food 🤨
I used to watch her a lot, now I can’t stand the sight of the creature.
Most of the people in power and on your tv are the most evil things you'll ever see.
I read this book and it was extremely helpful for me
Amazing. Most people never get that kind of validation.
Glad you treasure it.
Just want to let you know that I watch your videos when they first come out. Besides taking a day or so to reflect on them, I am still dealing with a situation here.
Thank you
That's amazing that she was able to do three days.
This mans videos never cease to amaze, they always hit the spot with raw unadulterated truth. Takes a lot of courage to lay it on the table with such conviction. To reach that level of liberation must be wonderful.
Beautiful video. Daring to be vulnerable is the ultimate strength. I am really sorry your mother only managed to be strong for those three days❤️ I think you are helping many people with this video
Those 3 days were indeed a great gift. Cherish them forever in your memory.
There's a culture of facade and lies in earlier generations that's changing in modern society. In my culture everything is lies and facades. My parents are Iranian
@crazy2coolauntie
When I read "culture of facade and lies", my mind immediately jumped to a covert narcissist ex-boyfriend even before I read the rest of your comment -- that your parents are Iranian. Then my jaw dropped because he's Iranian, too.
This is not the first time I've seen the culture described this way.
How sad. I thought he was the love of my life till I figured him out.
Daniel you have gotten me through so much 🙏🙏🙏 I love hearing your empathetic voice, it's healing and calming. Battling covid right now and mentally battling rage for my narcissistic/BPD mother
💜💗💜💗📚😇❤️
This story is heartfelt and really layered thanks for telling it!
Hi, I have listened to many of your videos, but really thanks this really hit home with me, this is something that I crave so much in my life is not perfection but just being real..thanks
I can relate so much to this, too. I had to pause the video early on. I don't recall ever hearing a man speak about his childhood growing up with an alcoholic mom. It was the same in my home - my Mom might go for a month without drinking, then have a day of drinking all day, and I would watch her personality change from nice to emotionally abusive and violent because I was the one she "targeted." I became much more aware of it, too, in my teen years, but remember how scary it could be as a child.
I have wanted to get into therapy, but I have a
health insurance for low income, and mainly the psychiatrist wants to give meds like antidepressants, (I've tried so many through the years), and they don't do anything but numb me without bringing the benefits the doctor says I'll have. The social worker only sees me around once every three weeks to a month. They shut me down, so to speak, by saying I'm so anxious, it's better we don't get into the past. I can never, ever "get it out," because I'm only allowed to talk about the present. Truly. It's like no individualized treatment, but the focus seems to be reading from a paper about going on a journey, in my mind, to a peaceful place. It's not really therapy.
I never feel safe. I would like love and caring, and just put all my energies into work through the years, always trying to understand the pattern of my life, which seemed to involve people that crossed boundaries and were all about them.
There were kind and friendly people, too, but now I stay isolated and barely function.
I would really like to have someone help me process it all, and until watching Dan's videos,
I didn't realize how I do need to grieve all those years, and the helpless way I felt a lot of the time.
I find these videos so helpful, in that I'm learning I'm not entirely alone in my feelings, and the comments also are insightful.
The counselors I've seen seem to be invalidating, and void of empathy.
I know I'm goofed up - with panic attacks and clinical depression, but I'm a caring and loving person. I fear aggression and have always retreated, in older years.
Thank you, Dan, for these wonderful enlightening videos.
I would like to self-heal, but it's so very difficult to face it all down alone.
Find a hypnotherapy school near you. Get reduced sessions from students. ❤
You are able to find the gifts and the gold in the muck of all the hardships, beautiful soul.
This affected me, thank you for sharing.
I never had a mother. she gave birth to me when she was 17. soon after she started using drugs and i was left with my father. at the age of 2 and 6 i needed to have two open heart operations. i have no idea what she was doing in that time. for a few years i saw her couple of times a year, even though she lived in the same neighbourhood. and when I was 16 my dad told me she died. overdose. noone in my family talked to me about her. i know so little about her she feels like a strager to me and even so, I clearly remember the joy I felt, when she visited me those couple of times a year. I cant help but feel love for her. she was lost in the world just as I was for a long portion of my life. Im 26 now and will never know what its like to have a mother. I wish for a baby girl so that one day I can be one. or at least try my best
Be grateful you have a father, family and friends that love you. Hugs.
I'm sorry for your multiple losses around your mother. I'm sorry for whatever caused her losses, too. I had a mother, yet don't feel like I had a mother. When you're ready, I hope you get the daughter you'd like. In the meantime, I hope you get and have had motherly love from others. Hugs!!
@@EmbraceTerror thank you kind stranger :)
You have the chance to invent how amazing she was. You can make her a queen and know she’s looking down fondly at her child. Make it magical and full of love
💜💗💜💗 hope you have a daughter to help heal mother wound, 💗💜💗💜
They say that AA isn't actually that great a program. A book came out about it a couple of years ago. Being told you should define yourself by your illness ("I am an alcoholic") is a not a positive way to go forward. Hard to forgive or understand those who have hurt you and I cannot imagine what it was like growing up with such a mother but she sounds like she has been through terrible trauma and has gotten little love throughout her life. Her not being defended by her family must have broken her as much as the rape.
Yes AA bit gaslighting language about being raised by a narcissist or dysfunctional parent or alcoholic parent... healing is limited in ALCOHOLIC ANONYMOUS it’s a bit old now and aging
@@umchinagirard1800 agreed. I think healing is limited there and the kind of vague religious thing seems to take over as an addiction.
I agree. There's some other lies that keep circulating there too (I've never been there but I've heard). Many people say, that relapse is a normal part of recovery, but actually it isn't. It's a normal part of addiction. Also, addicts are not powerless and out of control. They are just brainwashed (by themselves and others) to think they cannot control what they do.
Very important story Daniel. Thanks.
I think when you reach states like that, you can end up feeling like nothing more can harm you, not realizing how much work there is to still do or how vulnerable you are to even worse damage without the mental armor you've been relying on.
My mother never was an alcoholic, but she was married to one. I frequently experienced my mother just as a mean-spirited witch.
I had the same experience.
@@waynemizer4912 So sorry about that...
@@hollyporter7536
Thank you Holly.
It was all so unnecessary. She had five good kids, but her religion taught her that we were born sinners and she had to beat that out of us (spare the rod spoil the child).
Not that she couldn't be kind at times, she could, but overall she wasn't that nurturing.
It was really obvious when you saw her interact with her grandchildren. I watched as my nieces and nephews were treated differently than she treated her own children.
I had no memory of her saying "I love you" to any of us, at any age, but she said it often to the grandchildren.
It confirmed what I had already known for over sixty years. I felt she didn't really like me.
She died about two months ago, and I wasn't told about it since I had no contact with her or my siblings for about two years.
The 'no contact' came about quite by accident. They would call if they needed help for something that was in need of repair but not ever just to see how I was doing, or what I was doing.
They had no interest, so as a test I stopped calling and I stopped going there to visit.
The results were that, surprise, surprise, I never heard another word from any of them.
Nothing.
My only regret is that I was an attentive and loyal son for 63 years and that I gave them the opportunity to disinherit me at the last two years, which they did.
My other only regret is that I didn't move far away from them after high school.
It's more than you asked for but thanks for listening, it felt good to type it out.
Wayne
@@waynemizer4912 I've been estranged from my mother since 2005 because she's a financial train-wreck in addition to her mean and nasty personality.
Daniel, I had a similar experience where I confronted my own father about being an alcoholic. I went very well as he didn’t resist at all and there was some healing. But it was too late, he died some years later so the years of my childhood trauma were never really fully healed or at all.
Oh, I love this one, Daniel!
Thank you ❤️
You’re the best, Daniel thank you for sharing
Thank you for these videos man :} you're amazing
Jeesh, Daniel, this is so incredible. I really appreciate you sharing it.
Thank you for sharing this. It's a lesson in appreciating what is good, even when the preponderance of experiences were not positive. You were able to take in the value of that. Something I need to learn how to do.
That's amazing she opened up, she must have felt bad and was her way of saying sorry
Thank you for sharing your story Daniel! It was really emotional to hear because there's so much honesty, sincerity in it and it's so heartfelt.
I wonder for myself though, if I would feel similar kind of feelings for my mother and this wide range of intense feelings at all, even if she somehow has realized things about her life like that (which is possible) and communicated all this to me (which is impossible because of her personality and the kind of relationship she's always had with me and her feelings about me). I think I would only feel total alienation, but it would be more stable then and wouldn't unconsciously change back into some weird kind of sort of attachment (and that alienation would be freeing in my case), I would definitely have a more definite sense of self (which she robbed me from from the very beginning and which I usually start to have when the truth about my childhood and her gets me), I would have the deserved feeling of righteousness because all this time I was gaslit to deny all the gut feelings I've ever had or was being distracted and manipulated out of feeling whatever I feel or out of saying whatever I'd say and out of being myself at all. I would also feel more disgust towards her than I've already started to feel since realizing things about her for the first time. And that would be it, all my feelings. I would pity her at best/feel slightly sad for her and that would only be coming from associating her with my own self as an adult if she wasn't my mother.
I probably did have some feelings of need towards her and it's long ago buried somewhere in my childhood, first couple of years of it maximum, but love? No. From what it looks like, it's a much more complex feeling. I'm not sure if I'm capable of ever feeling it at all towards anyone/anything unless it's a perverse delusion that gets called 'love''. I had a weak sense of bond with her to begin with, according to my therapist. And I don't even know how to cure it, something that never happened to begin with apart from the sick stuff that kinda did and at least you can sort of point your finger at it, but in my case it was mostly what was supposed to happen, but didn't, and that sick things that did happen were mostly the result of her wanting to get rid of me + her expectations of me to fulfill some of her most primitive needs as her ''mother'' such as for me to just physically be there with no personality nor needs or emotions of my own whatsoever or for me to read her mind, guess what she needs without her even expressing it and provide that for her + not to embarrass her in front of other people as abnormal/bad mother and my mother by being my own self because other people's opinion and her passing to them as normal and 'good' has always been most important for her thanks to her narcissistic mother and she did have a lot of success in it as opposed to me.
The comm skills sheer brilliance and very authentic.
I never had such honesty with my mother
My father used to be more honest but he was pleasing mother and her wishes
You’re amazing a very amazing speaker .
Thank you for sharing that amazing experience dear Daniel. That was very moving... it really touched my heart. Yes, what a blessing it was to have been given those truths ⚡️
I'm reading the book "the selfish gene". Sometimes I wonder my mom was right, she doesn't like kids and she never wanted kids (she said she was "forced" to give birth to me under the pressure of family system and society). By doing her self-sabotage behavior and being abusive to me, if I commit suicide or refuse to have kids, then the perverse family system can end in my generation. Or if I ever heal from it, I will make sure this pervert won't pass on.
I think your true self was connected with the true self of your mom for those three days. The days she was feeling save enough to put down her protective self. The bundle of paterns she created to survive life as a child. The patterns she'd repeated for the last 50 years. Once created to keep her save. The bundle of patterns which is called her personality. But this is not who she is, she is a rare loving soul, just like you.
I can relate to your experiences and personally struggled with the idea of my mom passing away one day and she'd never seen me for who I really am and we would never truly be connected. But actually, when she would die, only the patterns would die, the personality. I, and you in your case, will always be connected with her true self, her soul. And she with your true self. Like you both felt during those three days. You felt save to put down your protective self too right?
Maybe you just don't want to connect with her protective self anymore (maybe it even triggers you to to fall back into your own protective patterns which you're healing day by day?) and have free will to choose distance from her protective self/personality/bundle of behaviour patterns. And only choose to connect with her true self. Which you can influence positively, in setting the stage for her, so she feels save to show it.
Maybe you can feel to allow her the dignity of her own life journey.
Ps: Thank you for all your helpful, honest, courageous, relatable and authentic video's!! Love them all 🌞
Ok so what would it be the dignity? I know I have been an abuser and i realize it now, and trying to get a job so i can pay therapy to fix this behaviours, but that doesn’t mean that i dont want to get my college degree or keep pursuing my dreams, so, the right path would be letting me die or complete isolation? Live with my sad self of regretness and ending in the streets or worse to get what i deserve? I mean i can and will take my part of responsibility, because mostly of what i did was as a stupid irresponsible child, but that doesn’t mean i would like to kill myself or live according to what i should, if i manage to get true skills, i would keep trying to grow, because like it or not it’s still my life and i dont want it to end bad. Being honest? Sure, but being too honest so i get kicked out? No, sir. And i understand why a lot f people do not take their part of responsibility otherwise a lot would end homeless. Interesting enough. So, maybe the answer is yes, most of the bad people would always trade dignity, for commodities. No skills developed, and maybe if some would start to, it still would be “unfair”. Like reformed criminals who learn in workshops and people still think is not fair. Why people become like this? Simple, nobody lets them grow, know their traits and get into addiction since young age, if an adult struggle with addictions, imagine a kid, whose perspective molds through addiction, and as an adult wants to get out, because of the stupid irrational quotes of oh, the kid chose that path, he have to get out alone by himself, the dopamine blinds the brain, and with nobody to take him or her out, because the actual family promotes that pattern too. What is left? A damaged brain, reputation, future, self esteem, and on and on. And then what? Some can recompose, but for the patterns as adults, and as shitty as life becomes some even try to find happiness even in the smallest things.
Your story telling reminds me of monologues read on stage at theatre. You can write one for a broadway performance :)) your facial expressions are conducive to creating a captivating stage act.
I believe in 12 step groups. In combination with therapy. 12 step groups provide a friendship circle and learning to share and talk. I learnt to talk and have friends from Ga.
Ah yes, that openness and honesty followed by shutting down and reversion to old behaviours. How well I know that pattern. It draws you in and if you are not careful leaves you open to being abused again.
Honesty Validation . Love it.
My mother once admitted to have spanked me and said sorry, then to deny everything day later. In a way I wish I had similar experience.
Old good feeling of summer rain
Binge drinking is the worst and the sad thing is that my brain still thinks it’s okay to drink at times which is why I try and stay away from alcohol.
Idk why I burst out laughing when you said she’s an alcoholic probably something I would do when drunk. Looks like you got a lot of truth from her. 🤔
🤦🏽♀️scares me to think what drama is in my family. My family doesn’t even know what happened to me when I was a kid. 🤷♀️🤔
Religion for me means accepting reality and honesty.
Hi buddi. How have you been doing? Im Camilo, your friend from Chile, Santiago. Espero que todo vaya bien en tu vida, un abrazo de mi parte, de Gabriela y Olivia.
Hola Camilo!!! Wow! Abrazos de los Estados Unidos. Y saludos a ti y a Gabriela y Olivia!! Daniel
It would be great if my mom could get up the courage to be genuine for 3 days. I don't think she even knows how to be genuine anymore. She has been fake for so long, I don't think she can come back out of her lala bubble land.
Sadly my mom is still a force of energised hate towards me. It’s not easy to manage. I am low contact. I did try Bowen family systems and was very over nice spoiling compliment her and it did work.. she became “nice” back... but it was a mimicking relationship and false too.
The because because because is familiar with my mother.
i am glad that as non english speaker i understood each word. nice i could live in usa now :P
Putting self first, you shouldnt have to put up with all that, squirm for their love, you know what's up daniel, it's just reason! And love! :) and fuck christianity!
I'm curious about your thoughts regarding free will. Many people say it's mostly an illusion. If this is really the case it would mean people's bad behavior is no more their fault than the color of their eyes or skin. What do you think regarding this? Are our choices really our own or just a product of our nature and nurture?
A good question. Perhaps Daniel will answer it in some of his future videos...:) In my opinion, as difficult as the question about free will is, it would be horrific to think that because of our traumatization we should consider ourselves and others unable to take any responsibility for our wrongdoings. I think it would be respectful to expect responsibility from everyone - even from people who are extremely traumatized (or in the language of psychiatry, have some severe diagnosis) and because of the dissociation that comes along with the trauma not quite conscious of their motives.
Sounds like AA wasn't enough for her although it worked it left a large area unresolved. I wonder if that stage case with others.
Yes A/A ONLY HEALS OR HELPS one part... lots of gaps and gaslighting language
That's why it's called Recovery. It just re-covers the original traumatic wounds by not addressing them. People keep themselves busy and away from the wounds by running to meetings, sponsoring people etc. Of course, there are people in 12 steps who realise this and seek the help they need to address this concern, whilst retaining their participation.
💕
Who envy him those 3 days? in good terms
It strikes me that you are describing a microcosm that is parallel to the macrocosm of racism, especially in countries and cultures where slavery was an institution.
if you think about it it's funny how is this world filled with imperfection
A reminder: you can report abuse or bullying.
Maybe and just maybe during those three days your mom actually opened to the therapist in you, not to the son in you…?
I don't think you can live your whole life in a vulnerable state. I think you shouldn't be so judgemental of your own mother and just be happy for her new life and sobriety.
Oddly I like mice but disagree with your comment.
There are 3 sides to every story....
@Saving Face it guaranteed another lack lustre parent trying to blame the kid
Children tell the truth 🤷🏼♀️to discredit someone’s trauma with their parents is invalidating and shitty. I have trauma from therapists doing that for years.
I’ve noticed a lot of strange comments on this video- I think it likely is one of his mother’s friends, because he hasn’t really been so open about his traumas in the past. And from what I remember he said that his parents do know about this channel so I’m sure they’re watching!
My problem is the latter. I am honest and friends and relationships can’t stand my helpful unsolicited advice and critics to help improve them 🙊🗣️🫴🏽😀😄🙂🙃😟😕🤔