I Swear To God : Heaven and Hell || Jim Jefferies
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- čas přidán 16. 05. 2024
- I Swear To God : Heaven and Hell || Jim Jefferies
• I Swear To God : Heave...
Best Of Jim Jefferies I Swear To God
Religions
He talks about things in the Bible like God, heaven and hell, the Noah ark. Then he moves on to Jew, Buddha and Muslim.
#JimJefferies #Standup #Comedy #JimJefferies2020
"if you've been bad all your life why would the devil want to punish you?"
great argument
That's what I kept asking myself as a child.
He don't punish the lost, he is convicted under the law of God. I agree it's a live topic. Don't wanna text that much.
@@bruce846 no reason texting mate, i'm an atheist. but yeah, i understand your arguement.
to me all that punishment crap is part of the same mind-controlling narrative.
@R. R Yeah but the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Rebel Hearts and all that.
Devil is IN hell to be punished not in charge of it… at least that’s what the Bible indicates
Some people won't try bacon for religious reasons, I won't try religion for bacon reasons
Edit: stolen from Michael Che
Nope I lifted it from a 20yo meme
@@guyonthecouch136 I searched the origin of the joke and he wrote it 10 years ago so nice try.
@@fezzik7619 so you are convinced nobody has ever made this into a meme? Good for you, do you feel better now?
@@guyonthecouch136 I’m convinced if you’re going to use a joke online you should quote the writer. You wouldn’t want people thinking you came up with it.
"Religion began when the first scoundrel met the first fool." -- Voltaire
Perfect
How is it I’ve never heard this quote by Voltaire? It’s brilliant.
I thought it was a con-man...
Incorrect.
The Problem Atheists have is,
They Unnecessarily Overcomplicate it
God is simply the Existence of Love.
Everybody Believes Love exists
Simple. But infinite in Power and Expression.
To ignore the Reality of that
Is not only what’s Foolish
It’s Shameful
@@damianedwards8827 Atheists deny the existence of god, not the existence of love. The Christian god as well as the Muslim god hates quite a lot of stuff... A whoooole lot of stuff!
"Religion is what keeps the poor from killing the rich and powerful" Napoleon.
Nice one thank you
...and Africans from being truly independent and kick out corrupt leaders
I thought that was gaol?
Nah, it’s cause they’re rich and powerful
@@oura_borosa ⁹i>>>>ii>>>>>
This is exactly why I love comedians. No tiptoeing just spouting hard truths with a laugh. 😂
"truths"
truth be told, Jim has never tiptoed, just straight at it. Kinda like Carlin a bit.
@@scottrackley4457 Yeah he reminds me of Carlin as well.
@@scottrackley4457 He's it straight just a coward. I'd be impressed if he did the same to Muslims
@@nathanfrancis2801 he has, more than once, and it probably got him a fatwa
Everything I want to say about religion. What an absolute genius this guy is.
How is anything he Says about Religion Genius ?
Hes a very Religious man just like you buddy .
You both Worship yourselves
@@rocketcharger17 I'm a confirmed atheist , I do not believe in any god.
Religion is a business built on fear.
As a fellow Australian, that was just amazing, for a moment there I thought I was thinking aloud, I recall the 1st thing that put me off religions asides from the stupidity & the rules was we were forced to study it from primary to highschool, even if you weren't religious, & I don't do well if I'm forced to do anything, especially if it was stupid. However when I got to highschool we also had specific lessons on history & I was very good at history, the teacher was an unashamed athirst & made this guy look tame, but without the swearing. One day in religious education we had to do a report on our view of the life of Jesus, so I set out a list of inaccuracy's that we had been taught & why, it was not complementary, it did not go down well with the teacher, who oddly enough also taught science, I thought he was going to have a seizure, he was also a big bloke so could be quite intimidating. Eventually I ended up at the office & asked to explain myself & where I got my ideas from, I said that I formed my views in history class, so my history teacher was summonsed, now she looked like a nice little old lady & raised goats, but when she saw what I was being badgered about she let both the Principal & the religious ed teacher have it with both barrels. I didn't see exactly what happened next as I was quickly ushered out, but you could hear her yelling at them from halfway across the school. in the end I didn't have to go to religious education classes anymore & spent time in the library reading up on history, mainly.
Not to mention your country put forth THE greatest stand up comedian who ever lived. If there will ever be a mount Rushmore for comedians, it will be Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Kevin Hart and Jim Freaking Jeffries!!
@@Bert_de_Wit BIG omission: George Carlin
Assertions can be dismissed as quickly as they are made.
@@Bert_de_Wit pretty sure both Jim and Kevin would be horrified and demand you sub them for the aforementioned Carlin and the originator Lenny Bruce...
Jim is topical and good Kevin is good too but even he admits his comedy is shallow as hell and almost never pushes boundaries by his own admission. It's about appeal. He wanted to be successful and he has been.
@@seamusmclaughlin7142 You're right, Carlin was god-like too. But then there are so many other greats. Like Chapelle, Cosby (bastard!), CK and more. To each their own preference. Point I was trying to make was that Jim Jeffries is right up there as one of the greatest who's ever done it.
“Hello uncle who used to touch me. How did you get up here? … Oh, yeah, you used to work for the church” 😂
Just because he worked for the church doesn't mean he was a sincere Christian.
@@janie5364you have religious issues.. lighten up dude... there jokes don't take everything so seriously.. remember laugh or don't listen 😂🤷♂️
@@user-sf5hc4ro1e lol
"What is mysterious about acting like an effing a-hole" had me in stitches! 😂
Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful. - Seneca
Brilliant comedy because it is all true!! Jim’s a legend.
Listen to him talking about suitcases with wheels " that's brilliant
Cant have bacon n beer in hot climates
Also a liar and a hypocrite
@@kfckillie1 elaborate " you can just keep me hanging 🤔🇬🇧
@@jackwatsonepic626 Avi Yemeni, go look him up along with this liar.....👍
Have never heard of this man before. His religious thinking, is freakin brilliant!!
Surely you jest, he is the most awful celebrity who ever lived, short of murderers and such. Avi Yemeni exposed what a lying freak this guy is and ended his career pretty much. Of course Comedy Central dismissed him quietly and pretended there wasn't a serious problem.
@@conservos2349 Why would anyone care what he is doing in his life when normal people only care what things he says.
And he makes a lot of good jokes about religitards and religions as well.
So, yeah, grow up.
Most of us Australians think exactly the same
@@jhonvoyage2564 Like a typical Leftist, you just pretend to know my motivations. At the same time, you won't even take a glance at what I'm talking about with Mr. Yemeni's exposing of this freak.
Actually his thinking is based on special pleading.
This is the greatest shit ever. Jim is the prophet we really need. Amen.
Growing up Catholic, the thought of eternity scared me. Even then I knew I didn't want to do ANYTHING forever! That is literally for me!
Relax, the only humans that know if there is a "god" , are the deceased, and they are not talking. Really.
This guy hits the nail right on the head! Awesome!!!
Unlike Jesus, who had the nail everywhere except the head.
@@rileygoddamnphoenix Allegedly!
Eternity sounds fucking boring what would you have to look forward to
@@michaelharrison3602discovering an endless universe teeming with different stages of life development, along with possibly different universes with separate and different laws of physics.
War strategy, which philosophies should win and why, games, should that works be based on love or strict consequences? Should that other world have shorter lives that improve motivation, or longer lives but decreased motivation?
It's the ultimate long term video game
@@alexchavez3383 I'm thinking Monty Python's Philosopher Olympics here ...
Jim Jeffries, you deserve ten out of ten. Absolutely superb…😅😅😅😅😅
Ten Commandments.
His material is “ok”, but his delivery SLAYS me.
The "I'm mysterious" gag is fucking brilliant 🤣
You take bacon and beer away from me and I'll fucken fly a plane into a building was a hilarious ending 🤣
Perfect end right there!
,@@raphaelcalado4335 Fun fact : Old Jim doesn't drink beer ( alcohol ) and doesn't eat pork now !
This guy just trolled half the world population in one take😂😂
And trolled another half in other shows.
And everyone's okay, and it was funny.
Trolled with facts
Knowledge, reason and precision is a joy. Thank you🎈
This never gets old. I'm totally with Jim on Pandas
Found out pandas are bashful. Their caretakers didn't watch them and they got it on.
"Aren't Pandas a bunch of cunts!?" Gets me every time.
What special is this from?
Nvm found it
@@michaelpardo8403 It's similar for humans in that, who wants to have kids if they think the future is bad for them?
"Hey, I'm locked up so now is the perfect time to get pregnant!"
Makes no sense
@@Maxrepfitgm If you are in locked up in prison , you would not have internet. LOL
Finally! A crowd reacting the same way I did when I first got told the story of Noah as an adult 😂
Never heard of this guy, but he's 💯% correct & hilarious! 🤣🤣🤣
never heard of Jim Jeffries ??!!?? ... wtf... Philistine !!!!
Seriously? Go watch his rant on guns; it's even better!
Two penguins walked from the South Pole to the Middle East to get on a boat
They got bushwacked by the press gang and thrown in the brig with the others.
And then walked back after the water receded.
@@arashink
With no food.
@@Rob-fc9wg Along with the duck billed platypus, the koala,and the kangaroos......
You know the Bible says Noah sacrificed some animals to thank God after the flood. It was probably the dodos and the unicorns.
PS: Noah's family was saved because they were the only good people left, but they started sinning immediately after the flood. Curse of Ham.
Same with Sodom and Gomorrah. Lot's wife was turned into salt so he had no way to carry on the lineage. So his two daughters took turns getting him drunk and they f*cked him so he'd have sons.
The idea of heaven cheapens the experience of life.
You've hit the nail squarely on the head. If you think this life is just a little interlude that happens before an eternity of bliss then you don't appreciate the here and now nearly as much as non believers do.
Just love this bloke, genius😂
"Take bacon and beer away from me, I will fly into a building", can't agree more.
Just make sure they double the insurance on that building first.
"I know that this is a Christian country, and I respect your right to be religious, but please know that you';re WRONG!" OMG...fucking love it!!
In the light of the revelations of Jordan Peterson,this mode of nihilism is so ashy..;]
@@respublikas - - Big fan of J.P. here. Please explain what you mean by "Ashy."
David Schmidt: "OMG...fucking love it!!" OMG?
@@q7winq7 As if withering, dissipating in the wind kind of ashy :]
Then he goes on to calling the devil the bigger man - aknowledging the devils existance, and insulting her by calling her a man - wellcome on the Hillary to do list, dude..
I forgot how brilliant he is. My new favourite comedian
Cookie; You call this man brilliant.
@@jimchumley7907 comedy genius, all his points are accurate and hilarious, if you have found a funnier comedian, please point me in the right direction.
@@cookie-pb3eu there are a few. Bill burr, Robyn Williams, Filthy Frank.
@@allaboutstupid2228 That is your opinion. This guy is the best comedian out there, in my opinion. His whole rant about American gun culture is absolutely amazing. Unforgettable.
@@lisaahmari7199 Agreed! The gun culture bit was genius. He's truly one of the best comedians I have ever witnessed!
11:28 _"Now it sounds good in theory, but..."_ 😂
Just absolutely brilliant.
You used to work for the church. Classic
Love this dude right on the money!
Strange comment slightly homosexual feelings for him is ok tho
97 percent of convicted
97 percent of convicted murderers are religious..only 3 percent are
I went to catholic school for 7 years, learned Noah's Ark and was never told he was over 900 years old when he died. Obviously an atheist now.
They also don't tell you that the fella was over 500 years before he built the ark!
Frankly, the Flood story has so many holes in it that even a professional Swiss cheese seller would be embarrassed to offer it to his clients!
@@jensraab2902 was that supposed to be funny or clever?
@@spridle Neither. The bit about Noah being +500 years old is supported by the biblical text. What you make of that is up to you.
That the flood story has a host of problems is my assessment. Whether you deem this to be funny or clever or something else is up to you as well, but I'd say that this is simply a statement that I find to be true.
For example, if Noah only took 1 pair (or 7 pairs, depending of which bit of the biblical text you're happy with) of each animal, how will the carnivores who NEED to feed on herbivores survive? How will the herbivores survive if they're both being eaten by the carnivores and won't find sufficient food because the earth (and thus all the plants growing there) have been flooded for more than a year? One solution would be to claim that there were A LOT more animals on the Ark (to account for the ones that died out because of lack of food), which in turn demands for an even bigger boat!
How did all the marsupials get to Australia and the Americas after the flood, and why is it that there's no marsupials anywhere else?
There's tons of questions, hence my comment about the Swiss cheese.
Again, it's up to you (and anyone else) to judge how funny or clever this is.
I simply said it as a statement of fact.
But I won't be insulted if someone accused me to have a decent amount of comical value.
@@jensraab2902 relax bud I'm an atheist...
@@spridle what do you think.. LOL
As a Muslim the last joke was amazing 😂😂.
Advertising your ignorance, love it !
The last joke was a Muslim?
All of Jim Jefferies shows are extremely funny. I can recommend also the other ones. And nearly all of his life wisdoms hit right in the target. As he says in one of the shows: "I think I nailed it".
His bit on guns in the US is hilarious and on the money.
@@canucanoe2861 Exactly. I love the scene where an intruder breaks into his house and he walks to the safe and enters the combination for the lock.
@@HansReglinobody keeps their defense guns in a combo safe 😂
@@alexchavez3383 You know that for sure, do you ?
Absolutely superb and 100% on point about religion! :)
yet quantum science indicates there is a creator. so what are you on ya un informed donki lol so many simpletons on earth
He's a man-child primate
We need more of this in our education.
This really, really made me laugh! Thanks :)
If religion has given us one thing... it's the opportunity to laugh at religion 😂
I have actually known him from this show, and if not the best it's up there. My favorite also because it was in America and everyone there carries a piece. You laugh but also fear he won't get off the stage alive...
This just made my day.
Love this!!!!
Jim Jeffries is one of the most underrated philosophers of our time. Did you see his chat with Jordan Peterson? Teacher and student. I had assumed he would immediately defer to Peterson on philosophy, but the opposite happened.
"Underated by who?????😮😮😮😮😮
What is his rating? What do you think it should be?
Life is so much more blessed when you accept there is no heaven and therefore there is no hell. There is no god. No one can judge me more than I judge myself - people should be accountable for themselves and not leave it to some sense of an almighty.
I didn’t understand his point of view that you’d get bored if it was all eternity. It’s literally Heaven, why wouldn’t you be able to augment yourself and make everything feel like as good as the first experience.
@@_Sloppyham because even if you are in heaven, you are not god. Imagine heaven like a celebrity. You can do anything and everything you want, but you would not feel happy doing all that because there won't be any competition there.
@@_Sloppyham There is no happy without sad. If everything was blue, there would be no blue.
Ok this is everything I've ever believed in one paragraph. You nailed it! 👏
I just love you so much, Jimmy! Perception IS everything! Different points of view CAN be hilarious! You are the proof of that fact! 😍💕❤✌🙋♀
As usual, JJ nailed it Aussie style😁😆😅🤣😂, and I'm a Kiwi
Beautiful, choked to death when he started about jesus being 4 foot 7, average height, beautiful.
Actually, the average height at that time was about 5 ft 7, not too much shorter than it is today. And Jesus was asserted to be considerably taller than the average person. So this ignorant, uneducated, miserable drunk who has nothing funny to say, can ramble elsewhere. I've never heard a less funny comedian. Pissed at the world for some reason.
For "muricans" in the good ol' "babble belt" Jesus look more like Conan the barbarian white, tall muscular, blue eyed and speaks with a German accent.
@@jaygill5582 lol now imagine that kind of body, but really tiny lol
The "I like eating late at night too" got me so hard
This IS GOLD🔥🔥
He s brilliant. Kudos .
My Pentecostal Preacher brother would hate this.
I love it.
Johnson; You really love this idiot? Only in America. Let his ass go to a Muslim dominated area and speak this shit against Muslims.
you sound like a great brother
They cut the part where he calls his microphone Muhammad and says it's gay
That opening line.
I've never liked any moment of living either.
No trauma or shit parents, just ain't interested in the path the world is heading nor am i so self centered that I think I should be immortal.
Just staying busy until the end of life.
Then off yourself
Emotionally flat= depression.
@@rodgerhempfing2921 just playing devil's advocate here but
Is depression gods mysterious plan?
@@abc-bu7nr well God is suposed to be all knowing so yes, but treating medication is also a damn good idea
This is so right and hilarious!
all valid points...
Absolutely Brilliant !!!!!!!
Carlin was the first one to hit religion good and proper. He did it in a very intelligent way because he grew up Irish Catholic. When he did it, it was shocking and brilliant. He paved the way, and others elaborated. But, like here, the elaboration has humor.
Dave Allen was the first in the UK.
@@7StarsMA Yes, they were contemporaries. Dave Allen was about a year older. Different styles to be appreciated. But, both helped to break down barriers and myths.
NO, Not the first but before JJ YES.
C. Hitchens did it best!
Dave Allen, legend !!
I couldn't stop laughing. 🤣🤣🤣
I stopped believing in Santa Claus and the Easter bunny right around the same time I realized a fake man in the sky doesn’t sound too plausible
Santa was first for me, when I waited up and he didn't show. God was next after I flunked my math.
🥺🥺🥺🥺 Santa , bunny pls say it’s not true
What no Easter bunny are you serious, no way mate I like chocolate too much
Same. We are not kids?
@@binkwillans5138 That means you don't have anyone to blame when you screw up.
Love this guy funniest man ever ❤
Brilliant - thank you
Absolutely bloody true!
God damnit I love this man.
Freakin JJ awesomeness. Too good.
🍺🍻
First time I’m a fan now. Hysterical
At 6:42 youtube or whoever uploaded this video censors Jim by making the video glitch and skip what he says. He said "what killed Jesus would not kill me. therefore I am much more powerful" haha
JEWS?
I found it outstandingly hilarious, lingering on the genius line with the underlying controversial narrative. Loved it!
Loving it happy days
Spot on!! Just perfect!!
One of the best comedians ever
not really
@Open Lobby
How would you provide evidence for your claim that JJ is not one of the best comedians ever?
Not true
He kinda fell of after 2016 but i appreciate his funny stuff!
@@matrix91234Yeah. I think part of it was as he get bigger he wasn’t allowed to be as inappropriate in order to keep his career. So he last few specials haven’t been as good.
Something I’ve literally just realised: if god is ALL-powerful & created everything then why can’t God eradicate Satan?
An all powerful God wouldn't punish degenerate people, directly, would He? He would leave that to self-loathing spirits, who are qualified to punish degenerate souls. Which means, Satan was created to punish degenerate people, who mock God. So, why would God eliminate Satan, when degenerate people still exist?
Read Thomas Paine's book The Age Of Reason from about 1795.
Easy to find online but make sure you find the full version with the third part.
Perfect!
Lots of real truths there, and told in a very funny way.
For example?
@@jessebryant9233 and @Jose Peixoto Perhaps the "real truths" aren't about Christianity at its core, but about the way people have failed to understand and practice Christianity correctly? Thinking of it that way, you could hear the "I'm mysterious!" gag and think "that is sooo true". Not because God's mysteriousness truly works in the way JJ describes, but because people truly have misapplied it in that kind of way
This guy is hilarious! :D
Australia is a great country full of great people, thank you all for keeping everyones feet on the floor .
Agree. Australians are pretty awesome. Plus, the gave us Paul Hogan and Jim Jeffries!
The guys at JuiceMedia paint a very different picture of Australia.
@@Bert_de_Wit don't forget Chopper - al la Ronnie Johns !!!
@@polreamonn who
You mean like locking people up who refuse to take an experimental injection that destroys the immune system? Fk Australia it's a fascist nation.
Love this.
Love Jim funny and factual 🤔🤣🤣
“What is mysterious about being a fucking asshole.” Lmao
The man is absolutely true.
Jim Jefferies need his show back!
... needs* ...
This guy is speaking of the truth. Way to go Jim.
Fair dinkum. Bless you !
Superb. Jim hits the nail on the head.
How anyone can believe in ANY god in the 21st century baffles me. Oh yeah, faith. Well, faith is the excuse people use for believing in something absent sufficient evidence to warrant belief. In other words, gullibility.
Come on now. Do you want Ai to take over the world. We need to believe something to
Some people still believe that the earth is flat.
“That’s the thing about crazy people…They don’t know they’re crazy…That’s what makes them crazy!”
- Jim Jefferies
its not prooven nor disproven, so i think its just as likely to not have a god as it is to have one. now talking about the religions and if any of them is correct, thats a different topic.
@@criss-crossapplesauce274it will never be disproved because it’s too ridiculous to start with !
Honestly, by the moral compass of the church, the god of the Old Testament would go to hell.
That makes no sense. The God of creation cannot go to hell, he is the God of creation.
I was shocked to find that about 15 books were removed from the bible in the 19th century. I'm going to get the book about it
@@donnasaathoff1220 The Bible was never 'A' book to begin with, it's a collection of 66 writings from over 40 different people, most of whom are anonymous. It was cobbled together by men who decided which papers to include and which to leave out - that was decided by the editors who had their biases as to what they wanted it to say. There were originally something like 30 gospels, most didn't make the final cut. They kept 4 and even those give differing accounts of the resurrection. The first five books of the old testament, Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy were allegedly written by Moses yet the fifth, Deuteronomy described Moses' death and burial. Any claim that it is the inerrant word of God can be dismissed out of hand.
@@andystokes8702 Thomas Paine's book The Age Of Reason is a well considered analysis of the bible.
He points out obvious inconsistencies which for some odd reason are never mentioned in Sunday School.
Easy to find online but make sure you find the full version with the third part.
Funny that many versions of the bible exist in christian religions, with various chapters omitted. The Word Of God seems variable.
@@LaurieWilliams-lk8fc I suspect the reason the inconsistencies in the Bible are not pointed out at Sunday School is because either the teachers are unaware of them or intentionally ignore them to promote the idea that the Bible is inerrant.
The bible can either be inerrant or it can be open to interpretation but it cannot be both, they are mutually exclusive. If it truly were inerrant we would have just one form of Christianity, as it is we have dozens of denominations all claiming slight variations from each other. At best only one interpretation can be correct and the others must be wrong but the most likely scenario is that they are all wrong.
Brilliant... So original and so true
Jim's a legend!
Jimmy!!!! Your so beautifully artistically offensive ❤️❤️❤️
I have got to admire the courage of my fellow Australian. A comedian who is prepared in the land of the God- botherers to take the mickey out of the nonsense that is religion.
It is the beginning of rationality to realise how irrational we are, we weak minded, superstitious humans.- Present writer sanctimoniously excepted.
But if he really knew his stuff, he'd know Hell does not come from the Bible.
@@thepagecollective LoL you going go Marvel vs DC next?
Well said fellow Aussie
@@dropbearkellyevehammond4446 Oz have no filters get the quokka outta here
@@keepthinking9402 I have no idea what you are talking about. Atheists have a funny way of believing what Christians tell them is in the Bible. Hell is not in the Bible is all.
I LOVE YOUR WORK MATE
Absolutely nailed it! This should be compulsory viewing in schools!
So gross misrepresentation is what you think should taught to children as fact? Clearly, you're part of the problem!
@@jessebryant9233 Religion is taught in school and is totally fictional. Zero fact in there being a magical sky wizard
@@dazzag
And yet you think this man's fiction should be taught as fact? And which religion teaches about anything that could be characterized as a "magical sky wizard"? Yeah, I think you have personal reasons for fearing God... (John 3:19-20)
@@jessebryant9233 It was as accurate as the Bible.
@@alansbinnie1446
How so? .How'd you come to that conclusion? Well, you didn't. You just responded emotionally.
I'm so glad that future generations won't need to deal with this those loathsome religions anymore, at least less and less.
Now we have new gods
I wouldn't be so sure. It's clearly benefiting people in power. They're not going to let us take their toys away.
Looking at what is happening in the USA nowadays... I'm not sure. They are turning into a theocratical state, even deconstructing their constitution
Oh ya!
Future generations will have to deal with the cancer of Islam
You take bacon and beer away from me and I’ll fly a plane into a building. Ah Mr Jeffries you are making me homesick
One of the funniest ever to grace this earth 🌎 😂😂😂😂
Good on ya Jim!
It was said, "my apologies to the Devil, for we've heard one side of the argument, and God has written all the books.".
This made me like him as a comedian 😂
Great finishing line! 😀