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2 things the Narcissist Cares about when You Leave
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- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
- If you're a woman feeling trapped in a toxic relationship and looking for freedom, you've come to the right place. With over 3000+ clients, I've integrated everything I've learned into a comprehensive program designed to help you reclaim your freedom. My goal is to guide you to break free without confronting or trying to fix him. Together, let's rediscover YOU and cultivate your confidence and clarity. To take the next step in your healing journey with me, visit www.rawmotivations.com/breakt...
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If you're a man struggling with narcissistic traits and seeking the path, community, and transformation that I've experienced, I'm here to help - but only if you are serious about investing the time and energy. To begin this journey with me, schedule a session at www.rawmotivations.com/break-...
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Tune in to hear the perspective of a self aware narcissist. That’s me - Ben Taylor a narcissist in recovery trying to promote awareness, healing, growth and change. I do that by these videos on here, TikTok, Instagram and Facebook.
Platforms I am on:
TikTok - / raw_motivations
Instagram - / rawmotivations
Facebook - profile.php?...
Podcast - anchor.fm/rawmotivations
CZcams - / rawmotivations
#narcissism #narcissist #npd
1. Keeping their reputation intact.
2. Trashing your reputation.
😉
I'm struggling so much with him destroying my reputation. What can I do about it? It's heartbreaking. So many lies and people are acting like I'm a monster when I see them
After I learned my ex was a narc, what helped me walk away was knowing that she never loved me, and that she had no interest in changing or growing. The 'person' I thought I loved was façade. It was never who she really was. The fact that she exploded on me when we spoke about accountability told me so much. So I walked away.
Same. I was so shocked when he turned on me because he wouldn't take accountability for his choices. Really showed he never cared for me at all and the kind of person he really was.
@@TheVioletMagic29they don’t love themselves how can they love you
I'm trying to come to terms with the fact my ex was a figment of our imaginations but I thought it was real he knew he was faking it all.
Perfect description of a narc! Glad you got through it brotha!💙
I’m actually finding it more difficult knowing he didn’t really love me, not easier 😞
A soulless demon has no feelings
Notta one
It is mind blowing to me how they think their character is such a great person. They are truly delusional people.
Are they really demons
…but anger and envy.***
@@Real2k25 marry one and tell us what you gather.
You were not in love with a "person", but with a persona. That "person" you loved never existed as such. It was all a facade.
So true!!!!
Exactly!!
Narcs care about:
1) Their image/social standing. Image control. Most of them are willing to smear the other person to look like the better person themselves.
2) Money/power/pleasure (but they don't care for the responsibilities that comes with this things.)
You can use these two things as leverage when negotiating with them. Because they don't care about you, or hurting you, or the kids or pets if there are any.
Love, care, respect, attention, affection are not things they're able to provide.
@Red NLS Que pessoinha doente!
@@rednls6426you haven't met the right woman obviously because that's not true. Most women are very caring. Narcissistic women are not
Absolutely!!!! That's all he ever cared about!! His image, having a good time and money!!!!!
3) extracting, taking from others.
@lilfairycupcake
That’s definitely true but directed at the next victim.
Childhood Trauma is at the Root of all narcissistic behavior. 26 years here.
Thank you .. I have left a 60 yr marriage to a narcissist... This helps me understand the crazy
60 years?! Wow! You are are a warrior! Bravo to you for leaving!
Thank you for being so brave after so much time….and finally walking away. You inspire me. I need to get out and fast.. Only problem is, I will lose my residence card. We moved countries, his abuse only began after we moved. And he has made me broke and I am unemployed. And I desperately want therapy. I suffer with high anxiety and have become very sick
@@JessMariaDwyer God is with you. Have faith. If you want to get out don’t worry about the how, just do it… God will see you thru!
Good for you
GOOD FOR YOU!!! My parents have been married 51 years and I want them to divorce so bad. My dad deserves the time he has left without being tortured by the monster.
The narcissist only cares if it hurts THEM in some way financially or otherwise. They could care LESS if it’s you who is the one who ends up hurting/losing something.
I'm leaving my narcissistic husband after being married for a year and a half. He says he won't be around when I'm moving out tomorrow because he cant stand how "his" house will look like once I've left - he can't stand that. Says he's going to be out of town for a few days to recoup (probably with his new supply).
I actually can't believe I was in love with someone so heartless. I'm disgusted to say the least.
I'm here to support you on your healing journey. If you need assistance, please schedule a one-on-one session with me at www.rawmotivations.com
These individuals are so sad. The extreme they will go to pretending to be someone that doesn't exist. Never again.
Yep. The narcissist, after being caught red handed serial cheating and was served divorce papers, actually said that he didn’t want to get divorced…because he “didn’t want to look like a failure”. It had nothing to do with not wanting to lo lose his wife and family. Those issues were not a consideration, to him, whatsoever. Just ‘how he would look’ was his biggest concern. That, and not wanting to split the 30 years of marital assets, which he was in full control of…and (unbeknown to the family) wasting away…on keeping his multiple affairs going. Brutal. A cold hearted manipulator.
Hope you get free!
Mine is a series cheater too and me and my 8 years old daughter caughter him and the mistress cheating .... he dumped us on the scene .... no closure and never reached home. We are in seperation since. I cannot even discuss finance seperation with him - cannot hold a conversation and guess what, never visit his child till now... I feel for you, 30 years marriage..... I felt miserable till I found out he has mental problems, NPD
My ex husband was the EXACT SAME, no respect for family but likes to keep a good image which is now in tatters, everyone just saw through him, serial Cheater too, well divorced now and life is GOOD had 28yrs of ABUSE, you will get your life bk believe me and you will live a FAR FAR HAPPIER LIFE, let him have all the women he wants you DESERVE FAR FAR BETTER best best wishes to you stay strong and go no contact they are PATHETIC.
He is "just" cheating online. That makes him to say it is not real cheating.
I enjoy shutting doors in their faces...my new hobby.
🤣🤣🤣
haha
😂
@madisonimogen1028 When I was growing up as a child, I saw a movie(I don't remember the title of the film, sorry) where in one of the scenes, one of the characters slammed the front door of the house in another character's face: but not just once. About 8 or 9 times in a row in rapid succession in just that one encounter without saying a word. It was hilarious!🤣🤣🤣🤣
@RawMotivations thank you Ben! You and lee helped me get away and stay away from my narc husband. He's a loser evil vile eh disgusting
They care about nothing, absolutely nothing! Not even their needs, so needy! They have no conscience!
True…they are needy beyond belief. They want the best of the best, always. But, they have zero interest in taking care of/maintaining any of it. They just expect it to maintain itself, while they ‘have fun’ doing other things. They want to be taken care of, like children…but have all of the control. An oxymoron…that is a completely unsustainable way of living.
Two things narcs only care about when you leave… Narc Supply and more Narc supply!!!
U leave the game. U r better off. Enjoy time on earth and guard up your soul for eternity.
Yes
Re birth!
💯
Image is everything. Once they see you're not going to tell anybody he doesn't give a shit.
Narcissists just take money. They are worried about that their supporter goes away.
When I went no contact with my mother her first response was, "What will everyone think of me? You're making me look like a bad mother!" Every time a flying monkey came at me it was the same thing, "You're making her look bad!" The FM's usually didn'tcome back after I asked, "Have you ever considered how bad things had to be for her own daughter to cut her off? No? Maybe you ought to."
“Talk is cheap” if they don’t do what they are saying get rid of them right a way
Im struggling been a long journey. I still can't let go of thinking after 28 years he's moved on and happier somewhere else with someone else even though I built a life for him and gave half of my life to him. Yet I know I have to let go because what I'd seen I cannot unsee the abuse only escalated the more I questioned everything. 😢
Image and money!!!!! Absolutely! Bingo! 💯
I broke up with her. It's hard for me.
I really do love this girl, and she knows it. 😢
Why doesn't the narc realize that treating you well will cause you not to abandon them??? If rhey're so afraid of abandonment, why not treat you so well that you will never want to leave??? It's so mind boggling!!
Because at the bottom of it, they don't really believe that they deserve you so they self-sabotage and sabotage the relationship. My ex-narc fiancé used to say things to me like: "When I realized how much I was in love with you, it scared me because I was afraid that I was gonna mess it up (our relationship)". He would say things like he was ashamed because he had hurt so many people in his past and that he didn't feel like he was any better than one of his friends, who is married but constantly cheats on his wife. I used to think it was just low self-esteem, but NOW I realize he was actually telling me who he really was. I probably was one of the first people in his life he actually felt like he could be halfway vulnerable with because he told me a lot of personal, private things about himself and his childhood trauma (which I believed and hope weren't just made up sob stories to make me feel sorry for him). I don't even know anymore and ATP, it doesn't even matter. I'm still learning, growing, healing and moving forward. 💜🙏
@@theosaka69 Very interesting!!
At a deep level, they feel self-entitled to take. Plus, relationships to them are vertical, meaning someone must be superior on top and the other person inferior on the bottom. They assume others see relationships the same way, and that there is a silent war to be superior. Your confidence, happiness, success, and perceived freedom cause them anxiety because it triggers their insecurity causing anger toward you. They imagine that you are trying to put them down with your confidence and happiness. Therefore, they find ways to attack you to bring you down a few notches. Once you are down, they feel better because they now perceive themselves as being on top/superior.
@@gab31282 Spot on! Perfect description.
I was afraid of the guy. I'd seen the demon.
And Those Demons Are Real
My Ex only cared about
His bongs, pipes, weed and alcohol.
# 1 /all his Phones!!!
I could only imagine a Narc high on weed! WTF?
@@LuisRuiz-ts4le it's definitely a weird combination.... I count even hold my laughter in the last time he tried to "have a talk" while high at....
Mine, too:( He has so many fucking addictions, and the only thing he talks about is getting fucked up. There is no real connection here:/ He is having an affair with alcohol. I have to tell myself that anytime I think about leaving and feeling guilty. Bare bones, its the truth. I wish you love and healing
Absloutely important advice. Do not seek mediation. Get a quick court order for custody and child support. Make sure the payments are going through the Dept of Revenue. Know that they are not going to keep up the parenting schedule, so do not agree to 50-50 custody. Let the judge decide. Don't negotiate away you and your children's safety.
Ben, you hit this on the head!!
After being with a narc for over 27 years, looking back, I can Without A Doubt say that their image & "their" money are the ONLY things that they care about. The rest are just a facade.
Notice how I put "their" money in quotes? It doesn't matter if ALL monies are marital property or not, as well as who contributed what amounts - they will change their story/reality - & will be sure to tell Anyone who will listen - to reflect that THEY were/are the sole/main bread winners No Matter What! There's no middle ground - it's all black & white - they think it's ALL their money. Period.
You are 100% correct. This was mind blowing, when I realized that everything I contributed was absolutely irrelevant. 🙄
@@11GodsGirl11 Only in their minds Dayna, is our financial contributions irrelevant. But we know differently. Just keep standing your ground when he/she tries to change the rules regarding financial matters & what the two of you initially agreed to (when he/she was having a sane moment). Bc they will forever try to change the rules, to benefit themselves, as the situation changes.
EXACTLY!!!!!
Yes, I was told when pregnant. I don't have anyone in my life I can't use, if your pregnant, you can't work for me. Nine years I worked for "our businesses" only in his name, for free. When I asked for pay, he said you don't deserve anything. He hid our 6.5 million in assets.
@@Ann-mb1vf 😯 OMG! I'm SO sorry you had to endure that! Yes, this is *EXACTLY* how they act/what they do.
Presuming you were married to this *MONSTER*, I hope (since you learned of the 6.5 million $$), that you have left his @$$, filed for divorce, & gotten your share of the marital monies!
In any event, I 🙏the best for you & your baby
I have incredibly high intuition. I can feel that they are off and dangerous to my well-being. This gut instinct of mine has never failed me. They tell on themselves early on. Listen to it. Don’t give the benefit of the doubt. When I did. I kicked myself later. They say “ oh, I don’t usually do that”. wRONG! We are built on patterns. This IS that pattern of behavior. But they had a glitch ( mask off) and you witnessed it. When someone shows you who they are. Believe them.
My ex narc used to always blame external circumstances for his behavior... If only he had a job, or more money, or this or that, then he would be able to be a better partner. It was bizarre to me. I realized though that actually this is just the way he always is, regardless of circumstances.
Mr. Wonderful for 5 yrs was the love of my life (so I thought). Treated me like a queen, then convinced me to move in with him to build our future. We had such chemistry, and great conversation....unless I tried to go deep or talk about feelings.That's when it all changed- lots of subtle control issues, silent treatment, dismissed my feelings, small little criticisms, coldness, etc. He was very hung up on money, and always felt like I didn't contribute enough- even though we split the bills. I was being punished, but never knew why. I often wonder if he was treating me badly so I would leave him (and he could be the victim). He acted like he could care less when I moved out. Months later, he started to call from time to time as if he misses me. Sweet as pie to everyone, including me, but acts like nothing ever happened. It's completely insane.
They care. But not about YOU. They only care about their lack of supply and how it'll make them look to others
they never cared !😩
The first thing my ex bf blurted out when I quit my abusive pizza shop job was, "Where am I going to get all the free pizza?" Then he caught himself and tried to act empathetic.
Ew.. just ew..
Mine said , when I talked about returning to work part time “if you do that then whose going to do everything around here?”. He was referring to all of the chores that I handled around the house 🏡 and how he benefited . It was not an equal relationship and I experienced minimal reciprocity .
Yuck. All about them! Absolutely disgusting
shows where his priorities are set
@@lorihull8467 😱😱😱
Self aware narcissist. So a narc is aware enough to purposely hurt you but they’re not self aware to know what they’re doing? All narcissists are self aware! They KNOW what they’re doing!! They like doing it!!! So what’s a self aware narcissist as opposed to just a narcissist? Both know that hat they’re doing, and they know what they did is WRONG. They know what they do! It’s a calculated behavior !
They know what they are doing. They just could care less . The difference is they CHOOSE to not seek therapy and better themselves.
I agree, my ex actually told me he knows what he’s doing. And laughed. Demonic.
They know from childhood that they’re different. They try and test things out in society as they’re growing up.
When I was a child I was told that my sister was a bully and that she’d outgrow it. I was told that the fighting was sibling rivalry. Because of this diagnosis my sister was allowed to be that way.
As adults they are called, a-holes, control freaks, arrogant and sadistic. All definitions suited my sister just fine but narcissist, no. She does not like that definition. So they’re not self aware, like that. And they’re not self aware with their bad behavior because it was allowed in the violent, dysfunctional family so, to them, they think it’s normal. And they’re being allowed to do it. So they learned to act one way in society and another at home. So they’re not self aware in that way. They do know right from wrong. But they don’t care. Some do act out at work though. Sometimes they can’t help themselves.
They’ll say that they’re not self aware when they project. The idea of projection is that it is something in the subconscious mind that comes forth to the conscience and is acted out. And it is said that they are not aware when they do this. Perhaps that’s true, maybe like a, knee jerk action, but they hear what they are saying and experience what they are doing and so then it becomes consciousness. So Borderlines do this. They can feel sorry and apologize. Narcs probably don’t apologize because they don’t want to. Once a narc learns that he projects, he/she will weaponize it. They will use ( a symptom of their disorder ) to a abuse you. And they know that they are doing it.
@Gabriela Martiniuc: Your post is 💯 on 🎯!!
Not all narcs are. Low range and coverts believe the false mask. They actually believe they are good and kind people. When they do lousy things” you made me do it”, “ if you hadn’t…”. “ I had to defend myself..”, “ I’m a victim. Coverts are professional victims. It’s the overt: grandiose ( malignant) variant that KNOWS what they are doing. Not the covert variant.
This stuff about image resonates so so much. Can't tell you how many times I was accused of not taking into account what a "good person" they were. At first I assumed they were just feeling insecure and I would reassure them that I still thought they were a good person. And then one day I thought.. hey.. wait a minute. Why would they be asking me for reassurance that I'm taking their image into account when I'm sharing my feelings about something they did?
Obviously I'll never know the full answer to that question. What I do know though is that every time that happened, they were prioritizing their image when I was sharing my feelings. Almost like a standoff. As if they were saying "we won't be talking about your feelings until my image is addressed and restored in the way I want you to see me".
Needless to say, if I didn't reassure them first, we certainly weren't going to talk about my feelings.
In hindsight I realize they were slowly eroding my ability to discern whether or not I was safe around them. They dangled emotional relatability in front of me like a carrot to steer me toward fronting them credibility as a good partner before they were willing to do the things good partners do. They'd react to my feelings with something like "well I'm sorry I'm such a terrible person" and I'd fall for it and take the time to reassure them that I still thought they were a good person. But as soon as they got the free credibility, which always took up an exhausting amount of time and space in the conversation, they'd hit me with something like "we've already been talking about this for x minutes. I already said I'm sorry. Why are you still going on about it?"
Absolutely
Whoa.... so familiar. I feel sick. He just said he wants a 3 month break. He won't clarify if it's a break or breakup. Trying to keep me waiting, i assume.
@@rebeccamexicano6762 I've heard of couples taking scheduled breaks to re-ignite the spark or give each other space to evaluate the relationship from a distance. But the advocates for those kinds of strategies also stress the need for clear communication around ground rules during the separation and intended outcomes after the decided time period.
Seems to be a typical narcissistic behaviour pattern these days to draw from 'new-age relationship guru' advice, but instead of actually following the advice as directed, to just cherry pick the parts of the advice that align with narcissistic prerogatives and ignore the rest. Some might even be so brazen as to quote the 'relationship guru' to manipulate you via triangulation into believing that what they're doing is fair and reasonable.
It's fair to set ground rules for a scheduled period of separation and it's reasonable to need clarity about their desired outcome.
It's NOT fair for someone to ask you to wait for them if they're not willing to establish the ground rules that you would need them to follow in order to feel comfortable with your agreement to wait. And it's NOT reasonable for them to be obscure about what they hope to accomplish with the separation if you need more clarity in order to feel comfortable with your agreement to wait. It IS fair and reasonable to decide not to wait for someone who hasn't been fair or reasonable with you.
It’s called gaslighting. These types of people are a total drain. Coincidence that they are also drips.
@@ofthe8263 👍&💯on🎯!!
2 things they think about are their image and what it costs them. They'll think of the things they gave you and regret it.
Even the wedding ring. 🙄
Excellent explanation
So on point! “Image and money” that sums him up. Thank you Ben
Thanks for watching!
YEP. That's DB's end all, be all of wanting me back. He wanted my paycheck, and to not be the "rejected".
When I ended my engagement to my narcissistic fiancé, the only thing he could say was to remind me how he took care of me for nearly 3 months after I broke my ankle. He lives 2 hours away, but stayed with me almost the entire time. He has reminded me that he “gave up his life” to take care of me (his care and concern was amazing), but now he is throwing that back in my face. Still wont address the hurtful things he said and did to make me choose to leave - doesn’t answer any questions. But this he can continually bring up. I guess this is his “save my image” attempt. Now this makes sense. 😢
also be open to the idea that it wasn't love just codependency on your part in response to their manipulations, the love was illusory, meaning real love will be so much better when you really experience it, dried my tears real fast :)
I'm in the process of divorcing my narcissistic husband.... it has been such an exhausting, difficult, trying, time... together 9 years married for 5.... one minute he's telling me he doesn't want to fight and he loves me... to a few hours later I'm the skum of the earth.. the skeeziest person on the planet.... ... I've left 3 times.... this time I actually really left .. got a new place for my kids and I (my kids aren't his.. their 14 and 10) I'm actually done this time... I'm not responding to his nasty messages.... which I think is pissing him off even more.... through out our marriage I've caught him talking dirty to his exes... he snaps on my children.... (that's why I left this time.... I stood up for my children) I know I'm doing the right thing.... but holy F*ck it's hard!!
Good for you, stonewalling him. Yes, it is pissing him off. Good. He deserves it. And congratulations on leaving him. I hope that you are keeping a journal about why you left him. It's such a help!
You don’t get a second chance to raise your kids in the right environment. How they are nurtured now goes into their adulthood and future relationships. You won’t regret putting your children first💗💪🏾
@Regi.Falangé thank you. I can already see a difference in my children and their happiness. They no longer have to walk on eggshells in their home ... waiting for him to snap. It truly was the best decision I've made in along time
@Games Narcissists Play thank you. Yes I've been keeping a journal. It really has helped alot and I think it may help when divorce court comes as well.... I'm not looking forward to that
Keep Going
This Hard Is Better Than That Hard
I am Not There,.. Leaving, But I Have BeCome DisConnected To The Point That I Do Not Even Care About The Others
Hi Ben: It's about a little bit more than just image and money, but I know it's about personal experiences, and for you, this is yours. I don't want to make it too complicated, nor do I just want to flippant.
Bottom line, it's pure selfishness, brought on by trauma in childhood. It's negative energy brought on through hatred for the caregivers abuse. What happens is the victem.(child), reflects the hatred that's been perpetrated against them. This causes the transference of negative energy, which some will call a generational curse. You, my friend, are self aware, and turning negative energy into positive! God bless you, my friend!
This describes my soon-to-be ex exactly !!! I doubted my gut feelings about him being this way through the divorce process, but now I know it’s true. It’s just a game to win for them. They can never look like anything other than perfect and guiltless at your expense. Thanks Ben.
Mine asked "what would his family think?" It's all image with these people.
Exactly. They demonstrate love then they don't. Clearly they cannot Love. How can they WHEN they have no EMPATHY. Real LOVE you don't pretend. Love is kind not abusive. If the Narc had the ability to LOVE they are Vulnerable. That's what they can NEVER show. They have to be Superior to Control the relationship. Period!
Yes! Money was certainly a big concern of him. Even when he earned three times as much as I do. He kept feeling sorry for himself for losing my (proportionally huge) share of the monthly costs. No concern for my ability to make ends meet at all.
In addition He complained about all the things he would have to do himself from now on. Like cooking. I did that every day, even when I was sick. Even on vacations he wanted me to cook all the time and he had no empathy for the fact that I also wanted to relax.
He was only listing the things I did and that’s when I realised that he only saw me as a tool. Not a person. I was so happy that I made the decision to finally leave.
I remember all the while that videoclip of Tommy by the Who was playing in my mind: “I’m free!”
Fortunately for me he’s most likely the self righteous kind so he payed me some extra money for my share of the bed etc. But he did guilt me into taking a low cut of my share of our home. Knowing he has a tendency to go to court when he feels screwed over, I agreed. I just wanted peace of mind.
RIGHT?!? DB wrote to me that it was too hard when he had the kids by himself. "It's a two person job!"
Yep, a two-person job that I had done by myself successfully, and would continue to do by myself. He had made himself obsolete.
I’ll never forget this incredibly painful experience I had a my ex narc. He had already moved out of our dream home. When the realtor came by with the paperwork we had to sign to agree to the offer, I was devastated. Not only was my 17 yr marriage over, I was losing the best house I’ve ever had. My ex narc? Couldn’t be happier. You’d think he just won the lottery. Talk about twisting the knife in your heart. 💔
I can’t tell you how much this resonates with my experience. All of this happened. She actually tried to come back, was still gaslighting but wanted to go to couples’ therapy so she could dupe the therapist also and have them tell her that she wasn’t abusive. So, I said no. Of course, then she was able to tell her flying monkeys how much she tried to make it work. And of course, they know nothing that she did. It’s really a mind f*ck. She was so focused on money, image and power in our relationship that there was no room for anything authentic.
hahaha I learned many years ago that it was in fact, "cheaper to keep her" and that was why mine wouldn't step out and actually leave or file after every 2-3 months for 14 years of him saying "get a lawyer". It would have been WAY cheaper to just "be nice to her" though. Lol
Thank you for acknowledging how hurtful some comments can be. I personally am over caring at this point. Yet, I still remember the devastation I went through. This was not a guy I dated for a brief period of time. This was my husband. The man I believed I was going to spend my life with. The father of my children. This was a man I spent almost 2 decades with. To be told none of it was real, literally gutted me. It was real. I have the 2 beautiful children to prove it. It may not have been real to him. However, his feelings and reality don’t matter anymore. I was present. I loved and gave myself completely. I honored my vows. I did my part. Nobody, including him, can take that away from me! And nobody can take that from any other victim/survivor. We have been through enough bullshit and gaslighting already. We now control the narrative. It’s our story to tell. Nobody has the power to say what was real or not, besides us. We control our story now. We are the ones who lived through it!!!
We need more videos on what to DO - strategically so we are not triply screwed over when it ends 😢
🎯💯
Lesson one, always assume the worst and protect yourself at all times.
I had no idea my girlfriend was a narcissist until she ghosted me. I told her over the phone i wouldnt buy her anymore gifts. I cut her supply. She's vanished. Looking back I can now see she had some strange behaviour a few subtle red flags. She lacked empathy and affection. I thought that wasnt narcissism. She never told me that she loved me. She never seemed interested in my day to day life she wouldn't ask me many questions. I think I was blinded by her beauty. I loved her more than anything. I thought she was a fun person. We had lots of fun together or was it just me that had fun. Im done with her. I'm now awake. Im angry with myself for falling for it and wasting so much time, energy and money on her. She won't hear from me again.
Hey Gary, I hope you're doing a little better now. I know the anger you feel. Anger and disappointment for failing to notice, for failing to protect oneself. You need to be able to forgive yourself, and ultimately, realize that there was nothing you needed to apologize for in the first place. It's not easy. I think I've reached that point in my head, but my body still reacts very strongly to memories and thoughts of that time. I've been free for almost a decade, but the chains are still imprinted on the skin. My tattoos are invisible to others.
The good thing is that now you understand yourself better, too. Encountering a narc and falling for it for the first time is a roll of the dice. Normal people aren't equipped to deal with that no matter how intelligent they are. We all need to stumble even when we learn to walk.
All the best to you.
I fell hard for mine. Absolutely beautiful, fun, smart, great job, and amazing sex partner. As the relationship went on, it never occurred to me she was a covert narcissist until after the discard. In the coarse of the relationship I paid for medical bills ( from a concussion) because I fell off her bicycle, then got a disillusion/ divorce. Now, I'm suffering from cognitive dissonance, depression and anxiety. I started self medicating and wrecked my car and got a DUI. I would of never thought she could be such a person. I NEVER thought I could be SUCH a person. I betrayed myself because I didn't want to believe she wasn't the right woman for me.
Spot on... I am in the middle of a divorce after 28 years of being together. These are the ONLY things that mattered to him when we split. He said he wanted to reconcile, but made zero effort to show that. All words, no action. Pretty telling.
5:45 I went through the same.... it was awful listening her every day. And after her rage "our" son started to cry every time wich was my fault as well according to her because I made her do this....
Exactly 100%.
I got the reverse discard.
I had countless circular arguments with him telling him I did not want to have to file for eviction. Finally had to do it and he drug it out till the last few days after a 5 month period of court delays due to covid.
He viciously smear campaigned me to the point that it was like where did you even come up with that crap. Totally ruthless, no limits or boundaries on his part. Played himself out to be the poor victim.
All premeditated lies and the reactive abuse before hand played well to validate his lies / half truth outragous stories that also set the stage for his triangulating his new supplies family as how not to treat him. Sickening to say the least.
I cant imagine how hard it must be to admit all this as a narcissist.. good job getting help and helping us understand
They also care about the fact that you must not see them as the problem.
Even after the discard, you must accept its YOUR fault they hurt and broke up with you. You MADE THEM treat you like sht. Prof. Vaknin calls this act " handing the introject ". Which is giving you the blame, the responsibility and burden of managing the failure of the relationship. Its a task you must accept HAPPILY. If you dont, get ready for RAGE 😂
Thank you. This makes alot of sense. While the host breaks down in emotional pain, they are only concerned about losing what they stole and lost if they lose the host. No home no money cuz the other target falls short. And then the hoover. Omg. Its all about them.
I like that word: "host". Perfect.
Host. That is exactly what we are/were. I wondered why it felt like we were just passing time. Life's too short to settle for that and it gets so predictable and boring.
Awesome video. All 100% truth in my experience in over 20 years with "the narc."
If I disappear today he will notice that I am gone when there's no clean clothes and the house and garden looks like crap.....Married 44 years into slavery...that is how it feels..I have worked myself stupid to gain his approval, to impress him...and he is now going to lose his "carer"..
I am so glad that you are setting an example that narcissists can show up, be responsible and take accountability for their behaviour, after taking therapy if they want to, humanity is heading in the right direction if all of us become aware and try to reduce our toxic traits every single day, this world will be a better place.
I have recently left my narc husband. Now the narc is attending church each week at my church. He didn’t go very often when we lived together. He ask people if they have heard anything bad about him. He makes me sick.
Wow. 😢
His image at work was all that mattered!!
I understood this aspect of my relationship with my narcissistic girlfriend. I saw what she was doing, read about this personality defect, and was ready. She constantly tried to run me down. I have reasonable control over my memory. Within a week I was to forget most things I experienced with her. Yes, I was in love with her. I am able to do this because I suffered through an ended relationship and learned a lot, knowing what to do. Suffering through memories I learned to forget, fast!
And you will never ever get an apology.
This is incredibly important. This is absolutely the most important thing that can be done regarding narcissism. A genuine narcissist telling us Exactly how it is. There is absolutely NOTHING that can replace it.
Thank you I appreciate it.
My ex emailed me he was lonely and depressed since I left last year. He said all the right things. I asked him one thing…. Please respond when I reach out, not in two weeks but sooner and I foolishly explained I felt ignored when my attempts at connection weren’t acknowledged. I got nothing back for four days and so I sent another email explaining obviously nothing had changed and there was no point in trying again. He flew into a rage and said he was going out to enjoy the day because the weather was perfect. He just reinforced everything Ben said here.
One thing he mentioned to his friends was he was upset because he couldn’t take the boat out because I wasn’t there to help him at the dock 🤦♀️
Ps yep, I should have blocked him EVERYWHERE
2 things they care about when you're gone:
1- Who's going to pay the bills?
2- Pouncing the next prey asap
I want to commend you Ben for being raw and vulnerable about your personal past. Happy to hear of your relationship and business with your wife. Your video was exceptional!! Many of us appreciate what your life partner and you are doing! I also wish to thank you for mentioning your faith and going to church!!!!
Yep, totally true. My narc husband was promising a quick and easy divorce just lets leave the lawyers out and then I and the judge received a letter from his lawyer totally different. I told my husband : what you are telling me is not what your lawyer has sent in her letter. If you have changed your mind that’s ok, tell your lawyer to write a new letter. That has never happened. The only person who connects you to the sane reality is your lawyer.
Every time I hear reach out for help and that you are not alone, it makes me wanna feel safe, but what are the chances that for example, people like you and your wife in your restored life together be there if small people like me needs help getting out of this Narcissistic Relationship. The Narc left, and just as you described, he could not face the fact that I left him, so created a show and traumatic chaos and now end it up filling for divorce and now is threatening me of taking the kids from me and of course since everything happened… My finances changed and of course we all know why! Because they manipulated and controlled everything so that when they leave, they make sure you are left with nothing but problems. -Where is God and Good Community People when you are deep down in a hole like this that seems that you’ll never get out. But, I know like I know, Karma will not let him or anyone that joined him without paying the last drop of tears me and these two kids shed and the last cent I spent on my own for the surviving time I am in this dark situation.
Love isn't a demonstration. It's an expression.
When we broke up. She said I was upset because she didn't love me the same way anymore but when she talked about what she was going to miss. It was our stuff. Course she has also said she didn't love me when we got married. She thought we should. So she did. Love was not the reason why.
My ex narc thought we should sit down at the kitchen table a come up with how much money he should pay in support payments 😂😂. He must have forgotten that I found out he had been having an affair with my friend 😅. I got a good lawyer and went to court and the judge awarded me more than my lawyer requested. I think the judge saw that he was a narcissist and hit him where it counted in his bank account.😂 I am so happy its over, life is good 👍.
She said “she was embarrassed by me”
I was effecting her image
I went to a local concert with her, and she would say " STOP, you're embarrassing me" ( many times) for NO reason. It was soul crushing.
I think they are like: but my image. Not really caring about you as a person leaving. I've won the breakup before, got a replacement supply before them, it's annoying to have to sink to their level though.
Spot on! Money and image ✅ glad my ex husband is just that EX. For anyone going thru, it gets greater later. Keep going and don’t look back.
Thank you for creating these informative videos. They have helped me realize that I am not alone in my experiences and that my feelings are valid.
Thanks for sharing!
BINGO! Image and money! Image and money! Image and money! Both take a massive hit when the consequences come home to roost! Watch how much the contempt comes out when you stop buying what they’re selling!
He tried to make me sound like I was the proɓlem
Narcs care about winning. At all costs.
Oh Jeez!! This sounds startlingly familiar. I’ve been trying to avoid having to go no contact. This information makes it clear that I cannot avoid it.
Spot on!
I REALLY DID enjoy this video!! Everything said ,came to the light!!. I am so much stronger emotionally,that not even a knife can cut me and I don't bleed!!. Weird?!! It's how I feel!!
Hi, knowledge is key. Good for you for feeling empowered.
See dr. Ramani as well. She's good too. I learned a lot from her and others like these. Thank you!!
Me Too Pamela
Well said Ben! Excellent! ☺
Thank you.
This is so spot on. This is what fucked me up. She would say I love you and have sex with me but it was so so empty. Her actions were telling me otherwise. She was onto new supply. As far as her kid she had her child seeking validation from her too.
She ruined me. She'll never take accountability for her part. I thought I knew about narcissism until I met her. After 18 months this relationship crushed me in ways I never knew could. I will never recover fully from this financially, spiritually, physically or mentally. I won't blame her for all of it because I made too many mistakes in the relationship. I have to own my part. I wasn't emotionally equipped to handle her life or problems. I didn't want to let her go when I saw the red flags because she was beautiful, smart, fun, good job, good humor, great in bed and seemed to care about me.
You are a unicorn, Ben, honestly. Very rare!!!
Thank you for watching!
Damn you’re good at explaining s***
I guessed those 2 things before you said them. Spot on.
My narc always said “it’s cheaper to keep her”. Yup, he’s right. But, then again he’s a narc - he’s ⓐⓛⓦⓐⓨⓢ right 😑
We’ll see what happens regarding our toddler (we have 2 adult children that don’t care to be around him) when we finalize the divorce…the toddler is giving him good amounts of supply, so he may keep up the “good dad” role for a while.
My ex of 15 years, waited almost 3 years to sign the divorce papers that I’d sent him. During that time he told everyone else that we wasn’t divorced yet because I was waiting for his dad to die to take all of his inheritance money, when in fact the whole time my divorce stated I was walking away with nothing other than my peace and self worth. I wasn’t even taking any of the money I had invested in our home myself. But I lost a lot of “friends”because of his lies. A week before he actually finally signed them, (two and a bit months ago) he told my daughter in law , not to tell me 😂, but he had landed a six figure construction job and that he can now retire. Then a week later, he posted the signed papers directly to me rather than to the court as the papers stated he was supposed to. (For my birthday I might add) I sent them off exactly as they were originally drafted and our divorce will be finalised in about two weeks time. I have very recently been told that he is in fact actually having very serious financial issues, so what he told my daughter in law wasn’t true anyway. So I don’t know if it was an attempt to hoover me in (he and his flying monkeys have been completely blocked for about 8 months) so he had no other way to get to me, or if it was to provoke a reaction from me or if he was hoping I’d put up a fight for money he doesn’t have, so that his lies about me looked true to everyone else. Either way it was weird and it didn’t work. So potentially at least one of his lies is about to be brought into question when everyone he lied to sees I took nothing. Or at the very least he’s got to come up with another story quick to keep his bs hidden. He’s creating his own stupid karma, and as much as I shouldn’t really I can’t help laughing to myself a little bit about it 😂
Spot on 🥲
I believe my Ex cares about how good he looked as a single man on his Birthday strutting his stuff. If he had been with me, he wouldn't have been able to look as good because a y new potential partner would have ignored his flirting. 🍒
Thanks for the great videos. Very insightful and spot on.
Thanks for watching!
You explained that perfectly! Thank you Thank you 😊
Thank you for watching
I've been playing this game for 2 years on trying to escape doing that. Escaping. He gives me everything in the world he gives me money he does this and that and thanks to you I'm making that step he just gave me $100 because he loves me. And then he told me what he was going to do with my stuff is get me a storage for a year.. I sent him down quickly. I love him and I'm sad for him because he's miserable I'm 52 and he's 65. And the crazy thing is is that I am happy with me I have a ton of people I have a tribe that is behind me. But I don't have the financial means and you made me realize that is not the reason to say. Thank you.
We've been together for almost 8 years
I think they just care about supply.
I'd like to hear how you became a narcissist. What was your childhood like? What do you think made you this way.
Yes! This is very important info. I really want to know too.
TRUE!
In the final 3 yrs of my 17 yr marriage I realized the only time my ex narc was nice to me was when he wanted sex. Almost immediately after, he would return to being a dick. I felt so used.
Just downloaded the app- haven't opened it yet because I'm in the middle of the video...lol But I'm looking forward to checking it out! Thanks, Ben! 😊
Thank you