Overcome Narcissist Aftermath: Your Grief is Shared Fantasy, too!
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- čas přidán 6. 06. 2023
- Grieving in the wake of narcissistic abuse is a fantasy. We mourn the shared fantasy via a fantasy of grief.
We internalize the narcissist’s snapshot of us which started off as a mental representation of reality and then became an idealized, fantastic, constant, internal object. We do it to both please the narcissist and to answer the question: what does he want from me? (Lacan’s neurotic fantasy).
Self-contained vs. incorporating fantasy: reality repressed or reframed (cathected fiction, symbols, signifying structure), involves compensatory wish fulfillment (future) or reconstruction (past): erotic, aggressive, self-aggrandising, ego-syntonic, soothing (defensive, to avoid trauma, Lacan), and experimental (testing out scenarios safely).
In a shared fantasy, these roles are outsourced, allowing for passivity and a sense of safety and stability. In this sense, the intimate partner in a shared fantasy is rendered a borderline.
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It’s beyond a death because it’s a shocking realization that the person you loved never even existed. Thanks for this video.
The next step in line that it was a warped version of yourself is even weirder.
Extremely heartbreaking.
And never really loved you in the idealization.😢
It took me 3 years to mourn and go through the stages of grief. Sadly, there were very little people around me that understood me or wanted to support me. Some people even blamed ME for the abuse claiming that I was stupid, naive etc. Even psychologists could not really help me with my grief. Only time helped me.
@@parklady4233sorry to hear that. Can I know why do you say a child's discard? And how have you been trying to
Cope? Did you have to fight trauma bond?
No Pun Intended - Good Grief! I needed this. Thank You!
So sorry to hear that. So sad that even professional therapists weren't helpful. Did you turn to any addictive behaviour to cope?
@@dreambig4557 Yes, compulsive eating.
I have only been out two months of a 33 year marriage. The pain is so bad some days. I am glad that my spouse is happy I am gone. I makes my decision easier
"Accepting the demise of the shared fantasy is one of the most traumatic imaginable human experience" : Thank you mr Vaknin. Really, honestly, gratefully THANK YOU.
Nobody wants to be around a grieving person and the grieving person tends to isolate himself because he is ashamed of his prolongued grief. Grief is not accepetd in the society. "You should pull yourself together and move on as quyickly as possible"! Grief is considered to be a weakness and a flaw of character. I heard some people say to me "You just enjoy the state of grieving, you don't want to come out of it".
I could not get over the “shape shifting”, “fits you like a glove” description. My ex narcissist used to do something called “the octopus” where he would completely cover me with his body and, literally, move over every part of me like a “second skin”. It was intoxicating because I was so in love with him and I felt absolutely that we were becoming one. I can recall him holding my face and staring into my eyes with tears streaming down his face and professing such undying love for me. Such idealization! I recall him presenting me with 2 8x10 sheets of paper covered with positive adjectives and telling me I was every single one of them. He tattooed my name on his pelvis. And I fell for all of it. And he emotionally tortured me, devalued and discarded me over and over again for 17 years. My life became a nightmare. I am still in the process of “skinning myself” to get out of this and I hope I make it out alive.
i had a uncannily similar situation
My ex did something so similar too!!
كن قويا 😢❤
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Keep up the good work, researching and expressing yourself, you can do this, I’m praying for you 🙏💜
I feel like I died but I am walking around watching my body exist. This is pain like I have never experienced. Thank You Sam. I am holding on to " you will be ok"...Oh God I hope that is true.
You will. I promise. One day you will be happy and be able to look back to see how terrible it was. I have been there and I didn't believe I would ever look back and not want him or us. It happened for me and now I am free. You will find yourself again. Just like they can never love and operate on so many functions they don't have control of - you do this too and one of those functions is reviving yourself. You can't mess that up. It will happen and one day you will go outside and it won't seem surreal, you will take a walk and it will feel normal and good - you will grocery shop and you'll be excited for new meals instead in a store with strangers and a feeling of being in the twilight zone. It is glorious. Your job then, is to protect you so that you never go through this again and that is by never attaching to a narc again.
This was so healing! I finally understand the bizarre dynamics. Every single word you said was exactly what happened to me. I think the hardest part was how euphoric i felt in the shared fantasy. He woke up parts of my soul i never knew existed. We would lock eyes and he would tell me "its all ok now Michele, your safe with me" I will love you and take care of you forever". I melted into his body and never felt so loved. My childhood wounds where finally healed for those years until devaluation emerged gradually. I spent 11 years in this confusion and he never discarded me or hoovered. Just long long silent treatments, moving away, blocking me. But i always begged to work it out. I even offered friendship as long as we could still be connected. I begged him with my life to not shut me out and he said ok and i remained in the fantasy. He was slowly disconnecting and i felt it. I panicked and told him im moving on please dont call me anymore. He said ok. Its been several months and im getting stronger everyday. No more abuse, no more confusion. I have a long road but i never want back into his world.
I feel so confused too bc I was never discarded. He still wants to be with me and all this stuff. I’m like when did u discard me? It’s so confusing
The irony is when I met him he insisted I immediately give him a picture of me and my daughter. I thought it was sweet. Now I wish I'd never met him and could erase the last 24 years of HELL!
Grief is real even if the fantasy is not.
Oh I'm in the depression phase... my hollowness is swallowing me up! I drive my car at night for a good long hour looking at couples or families together, and wonderimg what was wrong with me! Why didn't he love me as others did! Why didn't he hold on me as others would do!? And now i know these are the wrong questions...
My loneliness is cutting through my body and heart! I can almost feel it like a blunt knife through my ribs. He robbed 5 precious years and walked over my dead body and coldly threw it at my face: you can live your life now! Mission accomplished!...
Can this much cruelty ever exist! Why do these people exist at all? They are worse than wars and hurricanes, worse than deadly viruses and plagues! They kill one's soul alive! You live dead. You're literally deadly alive!!!!
Same here word by word. How are you now?
@@anniegallagher3177 it's been 6 months since I saw him, trying to gather my pieces, trying to understand more and let work and books distract me. But I drink bitterness with coffee and water. Questions are killing me. I'm alone, he made it in this part. I fail to attract the right person, I fail to love someone else. But wait... the ugly part of the story, and this of course because he definitely is a nasty pervert narcissist, every now and then ans whenever I regain enough energy to move on, he finds a way to send a provoking message, then many more to follow and I wouldn't respond for one day, one week, one month, two months... then I write back. And even if it is a single word I write, he enjoys the game. However... let me tell you my small victory here, I didn't let him see me. I didn't allow him to. I didn't give him the usual fuel. I didn't talk to him on the phone. I didn't engage myself all over again in that painful fight against my pride to satisfy him and get him to see me for who I am. I stopped doing that. So yes, I'm alone and lonely, and yes he's chasing me for whatever supply I can give, and a big YES, I didn't even give him the pleasure to see my face. And I hope I will make it this way for longer enough to let go forever...
Same..😢
Narc, destroyed my dream i thought i had hit the love jackpot with the love bomb only to know now it has been 1 month she discarded me, 12 years of roller coaster i feeling numb, she robbed me of the kindness of my heart she changed me I don’t even knowing who I am any more she done horrible things to me and I learned to cut off narcissistic supply without let her know that I new who she is she decided to go, left me with mixed emotions pain and the best way I can describe her she is a pure evil in a human body.
Thank you Prof. Sam for all the useful explanation and advice to us abused victims .
Remember what it was like when you two were together. It wasn't like those other people you see out, you would want that even while in a relationship with the narc and still not ever get that. You've been starved of that for years. You invested into a person unable to give you love back. You can only go up from here.
I am going through this right now. This process is the closest thing to feeling crazy that I could ever imagine. It is a lonely process that I battle daily. Thank you for this information. I am working so hard to overcome
Yes, it does make you feel insane. Because we try to understand it how we are, and cannot conceive of the type of person they are…they showed us they knew how to act loving, kind, loyal, and wonderful…so we know they know how…but then the way they devalue and discard us is the exact opposite of what love is. So it makes no sense. Listening to these videos and talking to a therapist helps me understand what they actually are, and though the pain is still very real, it’s the only thing that has helped.
I’m going through it right now too. It feels like I’ve died but somehow still just existing in space and time. The worst part that left me with cPTSD was the serial cheating and betrayal trauma. I found out that his first wife committed suicide and second wife escaped but ended up with cancer. I feel grateful that I didn’t become the 3rd wife, but mourning the last 5 years of wasted love and investment. These videos are the only thing that keep me feeling sane.
Who I had to become to accommodate HIM!
😢
The depression is real 😢
The self inflicted betrayal is real 😢
The numbness 😢
The loneliness 😢
The trauma bond😢
I’ve been binging your videos every day for the last few months since my breakup, and they have given me more clarity than anything I’ve read or listened to. And this video specifically has helped me more than any of your other videos. It is SUCH a lonely experience, because almost no one in my life has experienced this and fully understands what I mean when I try to describe it. The mental torment is unbearable. The loss of sense of self is acute. The depression and hopelessness nearly overwhelming. Thank you for simply reflecting my reality back to me.
Perfectly stated.
The day after I had planned on ending my life I met her. I was skeptical but I quickly fell for her. Pure euphoria. On the day I said I would end my life instead we were in my apartment laughing and dancing and kissing on the couch. She looked in my eyes and said “you make my soul smile, I love you, and I hope you kiss me the same way when we grow old together.” That’s the moment I knew I was in love, and for the first time I said “I love you” to someone else. I thought I had found my person. Then the devaluation and discard began. I was right in a way. A part of me did die that day. But I’m free from the torture she inflicted on me and I’m learning how to enjoy life again
Thank you Dr. Vaknin. The others may steal your ideas, but you are the only one, the original.
You have saved so many lives, including mine, thank you.
Yes, in total agreement. Sam’s the Godfather in this realm, and its irony that it in such a discipline, so called experts, claim another intellectual property. They know who they are!
I agree
"Breaking up with a narcissist is like skinning yourself alive." So horrible and true that I belly laughed. Someone please make this quote into a meme. 😂
I think you can grieve what you never had - even though there was no "real" relationship the breakup can help you face those original losses that drove the trauma bond in the first place.
Realizing now, that I went through all this by myself without these videos. But even after all these years I’m still trying to make sense of it. Thanks for your help.
After understanding, it was abuse and not love. It was tough to cry it out as love. I felt disconnected from my previous thoughts after breaking that trauma bond. Those gestures and words which felt sweet when I thought it was love. It felt betrayal and manipulation. With at most difficulty I processed those feelings. Writing helped a lot.
Let out a sigh of relief listening to your introductory comments, Dr Sam. Realized almost immediately that I could walk off the narcissistic set. No need for tedious explanations, no questions, no interrogations, no hurt feelings. It’s just over. The play is over. Drop the curtain. His fantasy & my fantasy … done.
What a terrific feeling of freedom to walk out of the cage, out of the mental prison. And to see my part in all of this craziness? It only makes sense so actually there is no one to blame. We both played our roles very well even though he acted like the director in charge of an asylum. An asylum he constructed while handing over to me my script, my role … which I tried to follow line by line. Thing is that he’s crazy and I’m crazy. He may want to continue the story but I’m tired of the fantasy. Just plain ol’ tired. What’s really neat is that there’s no one to blame! It’s been a shared fantasy, something we both constructed. Think I’ll just go take a nap now. What a sweet sense of release.
Thank you, Dr Sam, thank you for giving me the keys that unlocked the doors of my shared delusion.
Te agradezco ❤
So eye opening! I did not understand this was a shared fantasy. I recognized abusive behavior, but unsure why it was so much more complicated. Im in extreme pain. You are right. It is horrible. Terrifying 😢
This is so true. It was a photograph of me with a triangle over my head as his screen saver that he said he needed to do some adjusting to. It didn't make sense but now it does. From viewing every item of clothing prior to meeting to planning how I'd wear my hair. He made me what he wanted. My fault I fell into the trap. It was hell when I didn't conform to whatever he wanted. It was a nightmare! The grief & mourning is real. Eventually after he was established in this Country, he said he no longer loved me. I went gray rock and finally divorced him after 5 years of marraige, the last 2 just living under the same roof. Thank you for this! I will never be the same again. I break off all the soul ties in the name of Jesus.This is so messed up. Nobody understands why I keep mourning this. There's no closure and that's a hard concept to grasp. I will never go thru this again.
I guess everyone will understand (sadly I do!) who ever really had this absolutely confusing and odd experience that a person you think you´re in a relationship with (or affair or whatever it is exactly, often those people don´t even take the courage to name it) keeps telling you you´ll have to make efforts, change, really try harder to fit in and evth within this frame to be worthy of his (or her) love.
It was no coincidence that when I was after 10 years finally able to go no contact with him it has been the same week that I could go no contact with my mother!!
It was merely smbolic, because she could never see me as a person. But it took me an eternity to open my eyes that much that I was able to see her wrongdoings, all her neglect, how she trapped me emotionally so I had to suffer under my brother´s abuse of different ways. The brainwashing effect was too strong.
They both used me to move on, to become successful and I wondered why do I feel even worse over time? It was because they were able to get their narc supply from other sources.
It might not have been marriage and I definitely can´t know what it would be like under the same roof, but these underlying mechanisms you will see in every of these stories, it´s heartbreaking, it´s super cruel, because this is nothing a person should suffer from.
I have no idea how the narcissist is meant to do all these things …. You say he takes a snapshot, you live a shared fantasy .., examples of this type of behaviour would actualize?
I'm at either denial or depression... Or even more i feel like I'm going through all stages simultaneously. I'm losing my mind. I'm saying out loud that I'll never ever go back to his abuse... But i don't feel anything when i say it. Those words are empty. I'm betraying myself in the worst possible way... No self preservation instict.
How are you?
@@anniegallagher3177 much better. I focused on myself and simple things: eating healthy, working out and sleep. Slowly I'm getting back on my feet
@@randomnickname2254 Glad to read this ♥️
Aloha🌺 from Kona Hawaii🌋 I’ve been educating myself daily for over one year now, listening to your lectures, and slowly, but surely I’m healing now that I know that I’ve been married to a narcissist for 29 years, and that there was nothing that I could have done to change this individual, and it had nothing to do with me. I have three grown adults with this individual going through a divorce right now and let me tell you it is mind. F*^%ery just craziness, and it doesn’t help that it was a police officer for the first nine years of our relationship then it became a sheriff officer, and now it’s an officer of land and natural resources, and so it knows how to work the system, and the law. here in Hawaii everything is half/half 50%.. it’s been over a year now and it knows how to drag the process you would think it would want to move on with its life with its next new intimate partner/victim that it was grooming for the last three years before my break down, discard… but nope it’s punishment and misery… it is so hard to find a lawyer attorney, who understands narcissism. And it doesn’t want to sell our home. It agreed to pay me out half of what our home is worth. But I doubt I’ll get anything because it Hass to refinance and over the years. I had to do everything adult around our home. I can’t imagine having to do all of this. Our home was beautiful once, but it has turned into a pig pen because it hoarded a lot of crap over the years and if I threw anything away, it would give me the silent treatment sometimes for a couple months, anyway I could go on and on I wish I had a lot of money so that I could hire you to be my attorney or at least just to talk with you in person but I guess that is magical thinking on my part (ha! I’m chuckling to myself) anyway, thank goodness for you, for sharing your knowledge with all of us Babetts & Guyettes ha! I like that we can learn and laugh at the same time🙂 Love & aloha AGAIN! Thank you……jody
Over and over my therapist told me "Mourn the loss of the mother you never had". It took 3 months for me to process that. I was so angry. That was 10 years ago. Mim, (not a mom) has since died. The trauma didn't die with her.
This Doctor is such a blessing to humanity!
I come back to your videos as soon as I find myself delving in past (shared fantasy)..... It really helps and gives an instant reality check.....
The mind is something which has no control.... One has to keep control over emotions with help of knowledge and sharp understanding.... Or the mind can drag one to dark places.... At such times, revisiting your videos help. Ones brain has to be a strict master of ones mind.
This has helped me so far. Don't know the rest....
I am at this point. i am in tears listening to this podcast. He left 10 years ago, i grieved for 7 years! his words were in my head. We never divorced , hope and his flying monkey mother contributed to this. I started feeling ME again, and He came BACK for 2 months , I went through the whole textbook cycle! he went back to the other woman, leaving me feel small, humiliated and angry at myself.. again. I will allow the grief. I was fighting it, trying to be strong. I need to find other people, who understand , I can trust myself to tell anyone my humiliation again. My physiatrist just medicates.. I need nature, get him out of my head.
thank you .@@vickibazter3446
I went thru 10 years of those cycles separated yet not divorced.... Now divorcing..... Now he is in revenge mode... Put criminal charges of child abuse on me...
A person suffers - the grief - and it is because it is they want to avoid responsibility for their own life. They have become discouraged by an abusive individual. They need courage, something the narc can not ever have. Narcs are about power. "normal" people have courage and become ENcouraged or DIScouraged. Once a person begins to become responsible for their own life their courage will build.
😮mourning something that never existed 💡
This would have to be the best information out there about recovering from narcissist abuse .
Thank you Pro Vaknin for this episode🙏🏻
"Ok bunnies and bunnets" ...what a sweet and humourous person you are professor!! Thank you for helping so many people who were ignorant about narcissism and were suffering patiently in silence..
There is not in the whole you tube a better explanation for the whole situation of the disaster you feel because of a relationship with a narcissist. It makes all so clear. Sam, you are our rescuer, I lived for decades in the darkness of the unknown. Knowledge is POWER , but only the RIGHT Knowledge. Thank you for everything, you are the first and the last and it's a pity that not everyone knows about you and your amazing work in the narcissism. You initiated so many things and all the rest experts should first spelling your name with attention and honor. SAM VAKNIN first, narcissism best expert and inventor and then their bla bla bla. Sorry for my English, I am from Greece, I am a scientist and I can totally recognize your uniqueness Mr Vaknin.
I felt someone else sharing my mind with me around 8 months after meeting him. I told him. I cried in front of him feeling I was losing control. I thought that person in front of me cared for me but I was looking at the devil’s eyes.
The worst pain I’ve been through, but definitely being able to talk to friends really helps me and although I don’t always talk as much as I should, my mind clears once I’ve done it.. for a while anyway!
Trying so hard not to text him. Only 5 months "together ", but he hijacked my mind. He has knocked the wind right out of me. It's all making sense listening to you Professor Vaknin. ❤
It's embarrassing to admit that Vaknin's lectures and excerpts have helped me safely exit more than one narcissistically cursed dynamic.
I purposely don't call them relationships anymore, to remind myself none of it was real. It felt real to me - but so do dreams, hallucinations and psychotic states, while you're in them.
I have nothing to show for but misdirected anger, distrust, ruined friendships and a tainted reputation, not to mention the ineffable self-destructive cravings ever since the breakup.
Since I no longer have a devil on my back, I tend to my own masochism by making bad choices that don't involve bringing the killed-off character back to (my) life 😂
The breakup itself is easy if compared to the uncomfortable commitment of never contacting them again, amidst the hurricane of feelings we're left with.
Thank you Sam Vaknin for dedicating so much content to the aftermath of The Falseman Show. It's insulting how similar the shared fantasy's script is for everyone here, but it sure helps us feel less broken and alone.
Ditto on the not calling them Relationship’s. I’ve had far too many repeats! Listened to a great video on repeated, compulsions. Really helped me.
This is amazing and every word is a truth I have come to know. I have said goodbye to the person i was but I am still here and building from the ground up. The professor has been one of the biggest helps in this slow recovery.
What a treasure to humanity you are Sam. Thank you for all you do ❤
I've been watching your videos non stop for the past couple weeks and I would like to express my gratitude for you and this channel. I've just went through 6 months of emotional and physical hell, completely alone, not able to talk to anyone. I had no clue what was happening, what had happened, and thought I was really going crazy. Now I know. Everything makes sense now. You have helped me tremendously thank you 🙏
There is something very interesting about this snapshot explanation that make me think of dating apps and how everyone there have pictures of their ideal selfs and how the first interaction is with these pictures and descriptions.does it mean that the beginning of such interactions are like a shared fantasy 😅
YESSSSS
Everytime I start to doubt my limits, I come to your channel and it just works like wonders; never been able to connect with other content creators about this topic that romanticize every bit of data, you clearly know what you're talking about - not because you're a professional but because you explain so simply the logic behind it all, from childhood trauma to adult chronic behaviors
Abused for a shortwhile close to a year but the aftermath of it is taking forever to get over,Its like I have been abused a min ago damn.
oh my god , u totally nailed it .. breaking up with my narc felt like my soul had ripped out of my body
Why is this man the only one to make sense?! I want to learn under him!
Madeleine here (Nigel is my deceased hubby - after him I landed a Covert Narcissist!).
Sam Vaknin you are a Genius!
My psychotherapist is most impressed too!
You have almost single-handedly saved me from Narcissistic Abuse!
I am Loving this latest one, as I was discarded (for the second time) in March. It’s true! I’m grieving my Idealised Self. I don’t LIKE my Idealised Self. It isn’t ME.
My mother had CN traits and hence I have swung from feeling Special to Worthless all my life.
Neither are the Real Me.
Hey Sam I almost could say my ex covert narcissist did me a big favour. At last I can see my Idealised Self is no more real than the (co-dependent) Worthless One!
I think this is Sam's kindest message. Thank you. I agreed to many points aloud like a sermon.
I admit and agree it is my own fantasy that died and I feel unalive without it and him. My experience was only a couple months and I want to be honest and admit, I am foolishly so jealous of people who had the fantasy for many years or who got repeatedly hoovered. I know, the narrative SHOULD be I was stronger willed, so I didnt 100% comply and so it ended sooner as sucessfully poor supply. Some time has passed with friends poorly understanding this devastating experience, myself too, until I found your youtube. I am wiser today due to this knowledge. I owe it to myself to live and spread this knowledge.
I agree 👍
I'm just so relieved he is gone ...and I am free to live my life. 😅 Sure there are sad moments. But the worst parts were when he was still around. Now every day is sweet and better day by day. Thank you for your videos.
"943 videos"... 😂
Thank you, Professor Dr Sam Vaknin.
Respect and love from India.🙏
I am a painter. After i met my narc i started painting faces with no face. One of this in the chest had a rogthen hear. In one of oir breaks ups i painted a demonic like creature with pointy teeth eating its own flesh, hands and legs and vomiting them in a pool of blood... This is how much the pain was.. Fits exactly to the "skin yourself alive" Metaphor... After him i stopped painting.. I am afriad the beings that will emetge... The colours seem to have no colour no more... I used to write poems.. Feelings and words cannot be expressed... Ita thia void that now only exists... Recently i went to therapy... What i said to the dr was. "I just want to be again... I want to be alive... She asked you are not? I said one that wals on auto and eats in autonis not alive.. Its just living"... Zombie mode... Slowly i am gettin out of it... Today i went to the market with no panic attack... Proud of myself... " Guves a pat on her shoulder and hug 🤗'" ❤if anything i am learning to slowly love myself back.. Andntey to embrace the new me coming... Old me dead and burried... Screaming and mourning in my sleep... Buy slowly it fades away... Love yourself people... I slowly learn to do that... ❤
@@slackingoffagain currently under medication for depression and panic attacks. Panic attacks gone but dissociation and agoraphovia is there. I am practicing tai chi that has exercises like these and helps. Also started Chinese acupuncture that helps a bit. Luck of concentration is there too and a lot of heavy heart paltantions. It has gotten a bit better but I think this is how it's going to be from now on... Glad you got better... Keep it up... 🙃🙏
@@slackingoffagain same here🙂. No tears for me today(yet.. XD). We got two words in Greece from ancient dramas. Tragelaughikoa and comikotragiko...they mean stg so tragic you can only laugh about it..and from tragic it becomes a comedy..of how upserd it is... XD.
Started painting again slowly.. Nothing much. Only watercolors... But the creature is emerging is full of light and hope... Learning to trust my strokes again and identify colours from skratch...Stg deep inside our old self tries to emerge... It is not completely dead... Only altered... Changing skin... I trust my paintings... They tell me she is still here... And I need to stop mourning for her... We do not mourn them... We mourn us... Watched us die.. Arrange our own funeral and then watch us getting buried... Throwing the soil on top with our own hands... Now I am waiting patiently for the flowers to grow on top.. Nothing ever dies... Only recycled... I am watching myself slowly having a tiny smile on my face...its tiny But it's there... The flower eventually will become a garden again... And the smile will turn into laughter... For you as well... 🙏
@@slackingoffagain yes. It's a turning point in humanity and we are simply mirrors. Reflecting all others and ourselves as fragments of its all. Once the ego identity brakes there is nowhere to turn into. I remember one time not long ago I woke up and had the answer why we need to love and be loved. And the answer is quite simple. Out there in the realm of no body everything exists in unity. As a part of its all. No separation. And once we come here we are just trying to recreate this. Because we can be seen only by the lens of others thus gain existence. Love is the only power that can do this. All forms of it. Love for another, animals, nature, hobies, a job... Everything putting a little stone on our identity that keeps us going and reminding us of the unity existing outside. I think eventually this is what narc and eventually narc in the society does. Takes away everything as fake, everything we once were all believed in seizes to exist. From there on just the void. The other we loved never existed, the outside world is even more fake... And us as being a part of it we are fake too. In the end is existencial truths hitting us hard. Because if you don't trust yourself anymore and the others.. If you don't know what the others are then what are you? And at the end the mirror will show the horrible truth... That you are just a reflection of what once made sense.. But does not anymore...
No tears again for me today... Only a void of deep sadness... No flowers for me today... Today they are part of my void... Part of the mirror... I am watching myself from outside... Refusing to continue a movie making no sense anymore...
Maybe tomorrow... 🙃
Hope your day will be more hopeful than mine.. 🙂🙏
Griefing something and someone you lost that you never had, tolerating all this pain by being tortured by an illussion, my someone who never saw you, loved you or acknowledged your pain or the sacrificies you were willing to make for them just to be faced with a stranger, a horrible dirty aftermaths and left with nothing but bleeding wounds and no single nice memories, as they were all fake. The only REAL thing was your own pain and thats all what you are left with, while the person you had so much emphathy for moves on to suck the life out of the nect supply claiming on social media he was never happier!
I listen to you all the time. This has been most impactful on my journey…based on the stages, which I did not know, I am almost out of it but you have validated EVERYTHING I have went thru and experienced in my soul. Thank you Professor Sam🙏
Oh yes and cheers 🥂
Dear Prof Vaknin, u are of great service to humanity. This is by far the best lecture on narcissistic abuse-the truth of it and how to heal from it that I have ever come across. ❤
This is medicine for me and gives me hope as I’m “skinned alive” Thank
You ❤
I lived in a shared fantasy and the grief is a shared fantasy. I feel as if I lived in some sort of Matrix. It's very dark to think about it. The bright side is all of it was just a hallucination. I dreamed for 31 years.
I’m sorry to hear it went in so long for you. I have lost 17 years.
Nobody understands as well as you Sam ! I feel listening to you I have become my own therapist! Thankyou ❤
I have been listening to your videos for about a year. This is the most vulnerable and empathetic lecture I have heard from you. Deeply resonating with your openness and humility. Thank you very much!
It’s ironic actually, that when we meet them, we believe we finally met the person who sees us the way we are, the way always wanted to be seen, only to have to face the reality, that we will jump through any hoop they hold out, no matter how foreign-feeling, or how much they require us to violate our “own morals”. The reality of adhering to the snap-shot fantasy that is not even you, is mentally consuming. I now see, I was always Perfect, not because of him, but because there is only 1 me, and only I know what makes me feel safe, happy and free. Getting out and physically away from that unreal idealized version he created was so necessary. I forced myself to remember my mind set the day before I ever met that person. I existed before I met him, and I continue to exist without his nonsense and negativity. The stress of being with them could never be described. And again, I hope you all come to realize the Perfect Person you are and have always been, because of You, not them. The day before you met them…….be the person you have always been and you will find your Happy Self🙏🏼
You are an absolute genius, Professor. Thank you SO much for all of this information.
This has been the best video I’ve watched to help overcome this living hell…thank you!
I two weeks since coming across your videos I have learnt so much. With every video of yours that I watch, the fog keeps being lifted and clarify is coming. I'm now making sense of the madness. I have since unsubscribed from all the youtue videos that left me with more questions than answers. I will take on board your very wise counsel.
@@allyettiene1730 check Understanding Narcissists though. Scott has lived it and got me out of the fog. Best channel on CZcams 💯
Thank you for your wise counsel. You lectures are healing me day by day ❤
Me as well 🙂
The dismal shared fantasy😢
This is very much the path I have forged over the last year and I can vouch that this is the way to peace and freedom from attachment, and recognising self love.
I had this experience in my life and its effect to my emotional life. Thank you so much Dear Professor ❤
This is something out of this world,am full of regrets.
Thank you for helping me understand what i am going through, i still have to deal with the abuser because of finances and it is total hell but at least i can comfort mysef better. I am in the anger stage bur trapped which makes me angrier
This video really hit me hard- thank you professor Sam, this touched me in so many ways. Thank you!!🙏🙏
Professor Vakin you really helped me with this one. I really needed to hear this as I work through the stages of my grief. Thank you
Thank you so much for the video. You nailed what I'm going through to a tee. It's good to know that what I am feeling is normal and all part of the process. Thank you again.
"You fall in love with the way the narcissist sees you". This really helps in understanding mirroring. It's not even a real mirror, is it?
Watch the shared fantasy playlist.
This is amazing! I want to try to live after that video! Thank you very much
So deep and so true. Thank you professor for all this philosophy, it is very helpful for me in this complex journey of grief and loss.
Thank you Sam!...I needed this 🙏
Thank you so much for this very helpful content!🙏🏼
This channel has come to me at the right time
This is timely and deeply helpful. Thank you.
Now I’m finally understanding how forgiveness is self healing. Once you realize they are the ill ones and they are the ones that got you ill. It’s so much easier to get over them and even forgive them. But not forget.
Your work is invaluable.
You're a brilliant man. Thank you
Thank you so much for the work you do 🙏🏽🙏🏽
What a sweet and caring talk. Just what I needed tonight. Many thanks.
Thank you for explaining so well ❤️
I am going through this at the moment. To put it in context, i'm married and have a family. I am a true Mother. I met a man online, and we seemed to hit it off straight away, i know some people didn't seem to like him much and i couldn't understand why. He was so friendly, funny, caring. I'm ashamed to say his 'love bombing' got the better of me for a time, but the more boundaries i set the more he took no notice. It got to the point that we either sex texted or we didn't speak, and I finally finished it 9 weeks ago. I was fine to start , but then it hit me, he was like 'the son' i never had and i mentioned to a friend who just laughed. Now I realize it's what he was, and he was my own mother' who had passed away at the same age i might add that he was. I wonder how the 'dual mothership' works if the he knows you are a true Mother. The last thing I ever said to him 'I love you unconditionally as a friend, but my family mean more to me and I wouldn't want to lose them' He was fine to start, then told me , eight hours later that 'i knew how to hurt' and he blocked me. I just wanted to be friends but i now see that he saw that as rejection. I miss him every day. And yes please judge me, i know what i did was wrong.
Gosh, Thank you so much Dr. Vaknin!!!
Fantastic. It takes me forever to get through your videos bc they're so dense with meaning, keep 'em coming.
Thank you Prof for helping me to understand and make sense of what i am experiencing.
This video is so helpful. Thank you Sam.
My reaction of the learning of this subject is clearness of my experience. But choose for a fresh start.
I love this!!!! Brilliant
Thank you for the quality information. I searched but could not find that you had any videos on the difference between borderline and bipolar. As someone with BPII, I would love to see this because from what I understand, BP is a common misdiagnosis for someone with BPD. Thanks again!
I laughed for several minutes after having read this video title. It is hilarious in a morbid way, my intuition that this tittle spoke truth
This explains so much! I think it's one of your best videos. I also appreciate your kind advice for moving forward.
"breaking yourself with a narcisist is the same as skinning yourself alive" ive been a narcisist magnet for the past 4 years with 10+ narcisists for situashionships and relationships, i could say i now am callus man at this point already
Professional Empath Professor Vaknin, you always adress my important topics. XD
Yesterday I heard you mention the autism aspect again, right when I thought, I still can´t figure out if this topic is present in me or my family of origin or not and that it feels so close that it can be mistaken for each other in specific constellations. And now you´re talking about grief, grieving shared fantasies.
I guess delayed grieving and solving complex trauma caused by ongoing enmeshment is one of my personal topics, and as the exhausted escapegoat I´ll have to do it alone. Not easy at all to even find the safe state to do this.
In the past I cried so much alone already, but it never really seemed to be my own grief, it was those of my family who simply have handed me.
Sage and comprehensive!
Hey Sam, thank you, brilliant, as an adoptee this is very helpful 🙏
Thank you so much Dear Professor ❤.
Thank you Prof. Sam Vaknin.
Thank you for this talk. it is very helpful to understand. I always felt I was just caught up in lies.