Do Narcissists Love? Did I Love My Wife Even With All the Abuse?
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- čas přidán 24. 04. 2023
- If you're a woman feeling trapped in a toxic relationship and looking for freedom, you've come to the right place. With over 3000+ clients, I've integrated everything I've learned into a comprehensive program designed to help you reclaim your freedom. My goal is to guide you to break free without confronting or trying to fix him. Together, let's rediscover YOU and cultivate your confidence and clarity. To take the next step in your healing journey with me, visit www.rawmotivations.com/breakt...
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If you're a man struggling with narcissistic traits and seeking the path, community, and transformation that I've experienced, I'm here to help - but only if you are serious about investing the time and energy. To begin this journey with me, schedule a session at www.rawmotivations.com/break-...
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Tune in to hear the perspective of a self aware narcissist. That’s me - Ben Taylor a narcissist in recovery trying to promote awareness, healing, growth and change. I do that by these videos on here, TikTok, Instagram and Facebook.
Platforms I am on:
TikTok - / raw_motivations
Instagram - / rawmotivations
Facebook - profile.php?...
Podcast - anchor.fm/rawmotivations
CZcams - / rawmotivations
If someone continually abuses you they don't love you. It's not that complicated.
@@imsaltylit3101 It feels complicated, but it's not. That is why I said what I said. In hopes it would open some eyes or help someone. I totally know the struggle you are referring to intimately.
Absolutely! There simply is no love at all when you don't give a damn about hurting someone. You just don't hurt the people you truly love and care about and if you value them you would never risk doing anything that would make you lose them.
I disagree, respectfully. Often abusive behavior is a “survival” skill/maladaptive coping that is controlling the abuser.
Correct.
@@lindsaywilliams3774
yeah.Arrested Development.
You don’t ever want to be what Narcissist claim is love. It’s sick, empty, and it hurts like no other
You can never do enough for a narcissist. They're still unhappy and it's all your fault
They are not capable of feeling love, remorse, regret, empathy, sympathy.
NOPE, their choosing to be in capable and unconscious. Look at this man and others if they can do it, though it may be difficult others can to. Most of them are choosing be pieces of dung
No, not all are like that, there are 6 types if narcisissts, all are different
I was dating a self aware narcissist until he cheated and I left immediately. Hell no. Blocked him on all fronts. Cheating is my line.
Wow! Well done. I know how difficult that is, because I couldn’t do it. I’m on the first step properly now (maybe the second) after 3-4 years. Again - good job.👍
They love what you bring to the relationship, it's all material. You are a means to an end.
100%
Same.
Your "Service" to them is what they "Love". Not you as a human being. They don't Care At All. You could be dieing and they would step over you and continue whatever they were doing.
Mine Wants me Dead
I am Out So No More Poison In my Food 🤗🤗
💯 Correct!
Wow, is that true or what!
Yeah I say this on every channel but literally fighting for my life battling cancer and her not having the time to visit me once during months of chemo was undeniable. Sounds pathetic it is. I wanted to believe her lies. Once I managed surviving I was able to address it and go no contact. But years of lies. Which began with her being my lifelong person. Then went backwards slowly as if she could just disappear and never explain herself. Which is what she really did anyway. Once I said I know what you’re doing and it’s not love or real she went back fully to her main supply who are content with crumbs. Unlike a normal heartbreak I don’t see anyone with me when I look back on that time. People who haven’t been through it don’t understand it’s even more painful to lose someone knowing it wasn’t even real in the beginning. She could look me in the eyes and say I love you so much. Then cheat then leave me alone with stage four cancer. It’s hard to face.
True. I was travelling alone on work and fell very sick and had to be hospitalised in a strange town in a remote place. I requested him to save me or send help. He didn't. Strangers took care of me. But, he didn't bother.
Always, always observe men’s actions, not their words. Men show love through action.
It’s been 10 years since the discard. 3 years into it, I realized the discard was the greatest gift he gave me. You video is a fine example of how F’d up these people are and Im grateful to be out of it and free.
I agree with this 100% My husband was a great listener and caring while we were dating, but the moment we moved in together and got married all that was thrown out the window. He forgot birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries; he would tune me out during what I thought was a conversation (which was actually his monologue); he never "thought" about me while he was out, he never took input/constructive criticism from me, etc. His actions proved to me that he didn't love me. I was lonely and miserable for 5 years.... My husband is now in therapy (after I left him for a period of time) and finally showcasing his love to me and our kids. It's a complete change from what I've endured for so long.
How long has he been in therapy? I hope he heals.
Some other self aware narcissists need therapy for 5+yrs
Congratulations, you may be one of the rare lucky ones, where your spouse gets help and you can redeem the relationship. I hope he sticks w/ it and isn't just doing a love bombing thing until things calm down. Some will go to therapy for a bit in a last ditch attempt to get you not to leave. I hope the best for you and your family.
Any chance of a follow up? I hope he's still showing consistent change. There will always be set backs w/ anyone, and this personality disorder can go into remission, but doesn't disappear completely. Hope you and the kids are still getting the love your family All needs, incl. him.
I doubt it lasted
@@caroleminke6116 It doesn't help her to speak negativity to their marriage. She and the kids deserve better, and so does the person w/ the disorder.
I would argue that you still don’t love them , it sounds like you have made a choice to “demonstrate” love because it benefits you , love is not something you need to work on or choose, it just happens. It’s something that you feel deep down in your heart and you have no choice but to express it .
No. Love is definitely a choice. A lot of us can feel love and choose to act on or out of that love. As a Christian, love is a choice. But narcissists don’t know what love is so they can’t choose it.
They love as much as they are capable, which isn't the way emotionally healthy people would love you. They have to make a conscious decision to show love and affection. He explained it very well.
Thank god my relationship was only 2 months before I walked away. The first few months I was incredibly depressed, confused and angry afterwards but now u just shake my head and laugh at how insane narcissists thinking is. Can't believe I got involved with somebody like that.
Trickery!! They are frauds We are caring people
They are capable of love, just not of respect. What will heal a narcississt is faith alone, they must put faith in their love to combat the demonic ego. They must accept that it will hurt for years until they become caloused towards pain. The narcissists brain is simply taken over by the ego and the heart must now grow larger and stronger, only that will save them. There IS a way out for them WHEN they can see the clear path towards fighting their demons. But it's a spiritual battle.
narcissists cannot change, they have a fatal flaw.
This is so well articulated. Thankyou. 🙏🏼
have faith , with jesus christ you will make it.
Demons Not Ego
I don't want to be close to him, he will hurt me emotionally, if not at first then eventually.
As I sit here listening to you, I feel so angry. After 3 years I still find myself getting mad and I don’t want him to be happy. I knew I had to leave but I keep looking back. I feel like a horrible person because I don’t wish him well. I know I’m just hurting myself and it’s toxic to hang onto this anger. I just hope one day these emotions go away. Thanks for the video.., fyi, the house/ego example was perfect!
Forgiveness frees you also the Bible says if we don't forgive, God won't forgive us. Repentance, turning from sin and faith in Jesus as Lord and Savior saves us from hell for all eternity and reunites us with God in Heaven.
Perhaps reading this book would help you. It's called Forgiving What You Can't Forget by Lysa Terkeurst.
It was actually recommended by Ben's wife Kayla in one of their shared videos about a year ago. I was curious so I bought it, and yes it really helped me move on from narc abuse. You will move on and let go, it's normal to feel angry, but being at peace with what happened is better. Much love and hugs to you from UK ❤❤❤
I felt the same way for a long time. Now I just want him completely out of my life. I am seeing he is getting his karma without me lifting a finger. He is a miserable person and now I don’t have to be around him. I think you will get there. 😊
Since the opposite of love is indifference and you’re angry, perhaps you are unconsciously hanging onto the anger to stay connected to him. You are not free.
Think of it this way; until you forgive him, you are making your life miserable. The choice is yours. Forgiving is not forgetting.
Dig deeper, does your ex remind you of someone else...something else is holding you back.
Ive just finished a 400 pages long book written by a psychiatrist of my country specialised on narcissists. He's been counselling them for decades. He's broken down this disorder extremely exhaustively. It was educating but very sobering. He writes that although some "mature narcissists" (that's what he calls them) are capable of improvement, it still takes a number of years and a professional, very resilient therapist. But the vast majority of the cases are failures no matter what. My take from the book is that the risks are far too high to waste years of your life hoping the narc in your life might change. It's just not worth it. You're better off seeking a healthy individual. Not perfect, nobody is, but a healthy one.
What’s the book called?
Before I thought he was a narcissist, I thought he did love me
Nothing beats anything that's coming from the narc himself. Thank you for exposing the way they feel and think. It can really be so confusing.
Narcs. = extremely self-centred individuals & the most immature kids in adult bodies. PEACE To All💌
Thank you so much for breaking down this topic into a concept and reality that's completely understandable! For 30 yrs I WAS the supply, after leaving in Aug of 2018 and becoming a free woman in July 2019, life is so much better, so rewarding. Thank you x 1000!
I think that some narcissists have an intellectual understanding of some emotions, maybe even love. The bottom line is that people who have no genuine empathy, do not love - cannot love. Many narcissists are experts at "showing" empathy and caring. However, it's an act of which some are unaware. It's as if they lie to themselves...a form of gaslighting, one could say.
They know empathy cognitively, but they don't feel it like we do.
Thank you Ben for your honesty. I wasn’t married to the narcissist I became involved with but I still received the lovebomb, devaluation and discard in its perpetual cycle. I went no contact 12 months ago. I’ve received hoover attempts / temperance checkers this weekend from a new mobile number. It is all about him and nothing to do with me but me ignoring him is bruising his ego or giving him a narcissistic injury. I’ve come too far on my healing journey to go back. Of course I miss him but I’m having to work so hard to break the trauma bond and I’ve been to hell in my healing journey. He exposed all my flaws and weaknesses and I’ve had to face up to them all. At least I can heal and grow. I’d say he’s not self aware and I know he didn’t love me or care about me or he’d have never treated me the way he did. He literally borrowed thousands of pounds off me under false pretences (promising to pay me back but not doing so - lying) and I’ve taken personal responsibility and accountability for my part in it but he’s taken none. In the end the only way was to walk away and stay away.
how have you managed as a narcissist to become so self aware and acknowledge your own problems?
i never thought it was possible for a narcissist to accept accountability
Here's a video i made czcams.com/video/zJ2hQ6oqbrw/video.html
I was always told that a narcissist can truly change. But I believe it’s possible and they can you just have to be willing to see your own behavior and that it the difficult part. It usually takes something happening to them or an event that makes them see and start down that road of change. I think it’s some what rare though
Correction “can’t” change
Gad damn Ben Taylor. Your honesty is most striking. You have gain my greatest respect for helping us survivors with truth and transparency. I hope you receive what ever blessings that comes your way. Thank You💣💥💥🎊🎊🎉💯💯💯
I was with my Narcissist husband for 23 years..I felt like he loved me but every once in awhile I saw a disconnection..it's strange like being on a roller-coaster. We broke up 5x and the final discard was August 2023.. crazy he still hoovers me but I'm not going back this time.
And the disconnection seems to come out of nowhere! Things could be going good and you can just feel a shift in their energy. I use to tell him his energy was bad and I could feel it and he would get so upset and say “wtf does that even mean?!” 😅🤦♀️looking back all I can do is smh
I was with my ex for 5 yrs and I finally broke up with him last yr before the new years. I was definitely nothing but supply for him but in the form of financial stability. He emotionally discarded me back in 2019 and it was never the same. Stole from me, hit me, sexually starved me, no intimacy, no financial help, just pure hell. The worst part is I would see him be friend a new person every few months then never see the ppl again. It was like he was using them for attention and the second they became too needy, asked for help back, etc he would want nothing to do with them, call them annoying etc. He even hoovered a couple of these ppl. One guy he would promise to pick him up and give him a ride so they could go off and get high together and he would never show up and I would see msgs from the guy asking what happened. He told the guy I broke his phone because I didn't want him going out and he had to buy another one, but I was never violent with him and in fact he was hitting me. Yrs later I guess they ex friend moved on and even got clean off drugs and he randomly hit him up asking to hang out agn and the ex friend said he was too busy! Lol
You just described true, unconditional love, agape love. We choose to demonstrate love every day. It's an action, not a feeling. Well done sir! PS... Feelings follow actions 😅
Its interesting because in most cases the demonstration is there.... There can still be affection, acts of service, quality time which are all "love language's" but then gaslighting, devaluation etc are thrown in there. So to state that the demonstration is the determining factor is a little too vague... Because its not black and white enough which is why most of us that have loved a narcissist still have this question...
How does gaslighting demonstrate honesty? Yes once you see the facts it is cut and dry. You can say they demonstrate love and gaslight.
What you said is exactly what I always suspected and really knew about my 2 narc exes and current narc husband. Yes, I'm a magnet but tbf to me, they're all different types and were hard to spot even having experienced narcissistic abuse before.
Try to figure out why you are drawn to them. They have red flags that some will ignore. See why that happens with you.
Thanks for these videos. Cause im gone forever. I will never go back knowing the actuality of the narc brain. Appreciate you.
Out of all the narc videos, he explains things the best.
You have to embody love to love
They don't know how to apologize. They do nothing wrong. They expect you to say you're sorry. I felt like I had never heard the word "sorry ever."
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I think narcissists do love, but to their ability. If we concentrate just on their negative traits, we forget any of their good. Eventually you have to stop ruminating and move on.
Ew, screw his ego. Ew. No. Disgusting. He doesn’t wanna connect then he shouldn’t be getting into relationships. Running around setting fires.
It’s freakin exhausting. I do believe he can love. I do believe he’s on his way. But no one’s insecurity is a good enough reason to abuse another human being, and then ON TOP OF IT, to add insult to injury, assume they’ll be granted access into a persons life that they just violated. Betraying the very core foundation that the relationship was set up on.
It’s like a house of cards man. I’m glad I found this. I got cheated on and just found out and a world of lies began to unravel.
I couldn’t believe it but I’m glad my instincts didn’t betray me. I called him out without evidence because the change in his behavior was evidence enough. Because if he wasn’t cheating, either way, the way he was acting was enough to cause me to leave. So I said “aye, you have a woman around and if you’re going to do what you’re doing the least you can do is stop being a coward and speak.”
Man, I couldn’t actually believe he admitted it. He then went down a spiral. “I love you”.. “you’re too good for me”.. “she’s a singer too”.. I was like, are you seriously giving me a profile on your mistress? I don’t give a shit if she sings. You are CHEATING.
I was SO heated. I am so happy I left that situation. I just wanted the truth so me walking had a solid reason that I could rely on to say “this is what he did, this is why I left. I did my best. I’m out”
My goodness. It’s pretty liberating watching all of these videos and seeing all of the dots connecting. They are helping me piece together all of my assumptions.
Had I allowed him to continue this shit, I would have been a hallowed out shell of a person. I already, within months, started to notice. The moment I noticed though I started to assess the situation.
PHEW! I honestly believe I’m the only woman who has ever left. That’s pathetic.
I do forgive him. He’s not indebted to me. But he should have told me the truth and maybe now this will wake him up. And if it doesn’t, at least I won’t have to be around to witness it.
Narcs dont have the capacity to love until they have recovered and learn accountaibility and compassion for others as individuals, not just as mere extensions of themselves who they cab dispose of, betray and discard when they dont get their way.
Yay Ben, your honest, blunt and nothing is much better than that!😊👈🏻
Great video!
So amazing , thank you .
Thanks so much for your videos.
Great perspective, thank you!
…kudos to you Ben 👏👍💚
Thank you, especially for the last minutes of clarifying.
What an insight. Thank you for putting it out there.
I appreciate your candor...Keep up the good works!
They may love how you make THEM feel. It isn’t that they love YOU.
Wow love everything u said,it literally made me cry,sooo much truth,great that you talk so openly and how you changed for your wife , congrats for realizing that your gigantic ego was in the way,great example of a house literally standing in between you and your partner,so well explained,that is what i am living on a daily with my boyfriend 😢
In general: Did (do) you feel empathy towards yourself? Did you feel sad/sorry for yourself? Were you able to feel any (deep) emotions?
Narcissist have no empathy for others just for themself...
No they cannot love they don't even love themselves. A healing one might be able to but it'll take way more then self awareness. 😊
Great video
Thanks a lot for your priceless help God bless you always for all the good you're consrantly doing to sooo many people❤
Exactly.' Actions speak louder than words'....
Thabk you for sharing your perspective. I just hope my past person would also heal himself so he can find the love that he ever wanted.
I truly believe you have to deeply examine what you need and desire to have in your life and out of your significant other and from any form of a relationship and connect to people who genuinely can pour into you in that way because it’s what’s in them naturally because as hard as it is for them to give what they don’t have it’s even more damaging and hurtful for us who don’t receive it so it’s a personal choice but I personally want us to both share in feeling and showing and grow stronger together in those as time passes
This is SO INSIGHTFUL!! This was alll VERBATUM because i didn't sleep with my ex. He was also on meth. But his discard text reiterated WORD FOR WORD what you said.
Wow this guy is spot on! Honest and I appreciate the information
I appreciate that!
Thank you Ben you have helped me understand so much bettter. Your so clear and straight forward with explanation
Thank you for the support!
They love, how we made narc feel good about who they were ,when close to us.
Mine would always say" I love everything about me" can you beat that? Grandiose self- importance.
They can love you, they think they do, that is when they are solely with you, you are their introject
Subtle does not even cover it. It took me so many years and some clean time to realize that my intuition and the reality of the situation is what it is.
Thanks
Love is respectful and considerate.
If it lacks these attributes its nothing more than emotional attachment at best.
My husband could seem empathic, but I have come to realize it wasn't. He only expressed how it hurt him not other people. Mine lifted his ego with others by demeaning and blaming the problems on others. Yet with me he would tell me how inadequate he was to get me to do more for him to make him look good. Covert (vulnerable) Narcissist.
The self aware unicorn 🦄 narcissists particularly YOU & Lee Hammock @mentalhealness
...are the TRUE CHANGEMAKERS in the #NPD Community!!
😇🙏❤️😇
Thank you
So it's a win for a Narcissist either way! They felt ZERO pain for what they cause in the previous relationship. Then they jump back in saying ok I got it here I am. So the victim has to rebuild the trust the Narcissist destroyed they had in the first place for themselves to give him another try. Not worth it for me. Not healthy destroying a relationship in the first place. I never forgave my ex for cheating when we had a baby when I was married a year. I was 24 then. Today my son is 33 and nothing like the man his father was and still is. My ex now is on wife 4!! With 8 kids between us all . I was the first wife. He shouldn't have kids ! Zero child support for our son . He couldn't even pay 50.00 a week back then. A narc is a narc.
Love is an emotion, and an action and it's not something that you could change your view on either you feel it inside your heart or you don't
Love is more than just a feeling
This is exactly what happened to me it’s what he always does then discard and then goes back to the mother of his child then finds a new victim discards the mother of his child and goes thru the whole process again and back to her then new victim…..
Control is not love. It is EGO
Anybody who could replace you in five seconds does not love you! And to make it worse, they replaced you even when you were in the mist of it! And if they didn’t replace you, they weren’t there mentally only physically! So even if you’re married to them, they’re ghosting you will be living in the same house! 🏠 it’s insane
“Service” is their love language
MY NARCISSIST WAS IN LUST WITH ME. I WAS 72 AND HE WAS 47. I GOT SICK AND TIRED OF IT AND TOLD HIM HE WAS WASTING HIS TIME WITH ME.
I visualize the baby dino saying,"feed me! Feed me! ". You thot u were an a.! Im armed and ready! "bye now. Stuff to do, block, click, take the dog (crying) but youre dangerous. What was I thinking? I absolutely am not the same person. All for good now that I look back. Be kind to everyone. Its coming back to me now all by myself and "never alone". Fruits of my labor. "Not all bad is bad, it only for awhile. Were tough.
why get married in the first place
Will you please make some videos on how you are recovering from narcissistic behaviors so we might be able to help the narcissist in our lives because we do truly love them and cannot just discard them. Can you help us learn to help themselves? Or any hope?
Will add this to my list, here's a video i hope will help czcams.com/video/tXRag4_yBI0/video.html
So angry with my Narc ex. He left me after 21 years for someone else. I can see him love bombing her and making me out to be the toxic one. I just want to see him crash and burn. I know this isn't healthy and I'm having therapy for CPTSD but feel so hurt and disrespected 😢
It resonated with me the concept of the narcissist has about love; my husband learned that from his narcissistic parents, he was never given unconditional love, specially from his mother, she was the more toxic, controlling and manipulative one. She would criticize, minimize and humiliate him in front of me and others; she would reject me, but would act nice in front of my husband, sometimes, so she could play victim if I stand up for myself. I know my husband loved me, he was in love with me, I could see it in his eyes, I could see him happy with me.
A few weeks after we moved in together, his brother said something to him that woke him up from that happiness; his brother being a grandiose narcissist, I believe was jealous of our happiness. One day, when they returned from work, my husband told me that from that day on, we were not going to show affection in front of his brother, because his brother was not happy in his marriage my husband felt guilty of his own happiness, and that he no deserve it as much as his brother; I did not like that and I told him that I refuse to live around his brother, but he convinced me when he said his love for me wouldn't change. Unfortunately, his love for me changed, and I strongly believe his family pushed him to, as they will refuse to accept me and he was hungry for acceptance from them. When he would put me and our children in a lower priority over them, I always believe it was because his low self-esteem, as he would see us as an extension of him. So, yes, his love for me changed to convenience, little by little he started to control me, manipulated me; demanding attention, affection and what ever else he needed, but I was then not receiving the same.
Thank you for these videos, resources and information, it makes me feel not alone and with the hope of getting some help for me and my husband as well, I feel sorry for him because I know the kind of life he was given as a child, not fair to him, not fair for our children and me.
I wish you peace, love and healing.
When we are asking this question about if a narcissist loves other, we have to understand that they likely do not experience emotions the way non-pathologically narcissistic people do, that they likely do not understand what love really is, that they probably do not agree with your definition of love in any event, and because of this, realistically do not and probably cannot feel the same way about you that you feel about them.
In all likelihood, narcissistic people probably do believe they love others. If you ask narcissists if they love any other people or ever have, the majority of them will say "yes." But what they mean by that, how they define and experience love and what they realistically think love looks like in relationships with other people is usually very, very different than what others think. It's probably a mistake to assume we understand what anyone other than ourselves means by words they use - especially words like "love," but with narcissistic people it is perhaps even more of a mistake, because there is no way to know if they even have context for the experiences or feelings that these words describe at all.
People understand things based on their experiences and their information. For example, narcissists and psychopaths objectify people, meaning they view and experience people as objects. If you ask them whether they see other people as people, most (if not all) will say yes, of course they do. But even when they are being sincere, what does this actually mean? What is their baseline for understanding how they experience and understand other human beings, compared to how others view them? If you ask a person with abnormal or severely affected experiences about normal experiences, do they have the appropriate context to even answer that question?
For example, if a person with a severe psychotic disorder is experiencing daily delusions and hallucinations, but when you point it out they say, "My perception is not as distorted as you say it is," what real ability do they have to actually make that assessment? They don't have an understanding of what "normal" perception would be, because to them, this is normal. It is the same problem with narcissists. They can only understand or gauge things through their own perception, which is likely extremely different from yours. Even if they sincerely think they do love someone, what does that actually mean in reality?
With narcissists, it means "I love the way you help me feel about myself. I love the things you do for me. I love the reflection of myself that you show me through your expressed perception of me." When they stop believing they love you - or believing that you love them - it's because they believe these things have changed. Things don't have to have actually changed; all that has to happen is that the narcissist believes they have changed, and since their perception is severely affected and their identity, self-worth and self-image are very unstable, they can come to believe this for very small or even nonsensical reasons.
You didn't buy the kind of butter they asked for at the store,. To the narcissist this can mean that you do not consider them important enough to matter and you don't care how they feel. Maybe you corrected them about something. To the narcissist, this means you are trying to embarrass or harm them. You are ridiculing or attacking them and you no longer see them as perfect. These kinds of things cause the reflected image they see of themselves through your perception to become tainted. You no longer see them as good or perfect and consequently, they can no longer see themselves that way.
This is a much bigger deal to narcissists than many people realize. This must be rectified, because a loss of esteem on this level is literally life-threatening. It usually takes the form of devaluing the person or the relationship in an attempt to deny and distance themselves from the threat or injury: "I don't have to believe this because this person is not important, they don't like me and are just being mean, they are wrong, they are stupid, etc." And attacking the person, their words, their character, their perception or whatever else - defending themselves, in other words - puts them in a position of strength instead of vulnerability. And sometimes there is a discard, where instead of bothering to defend themselves, they simply abandon the relationship or situation. This is easier than facing whatever unpleasant feelings were stirred up by their perception that the relationship has somehow changed.
Because the aforementioned things are what they actually care about in relationships: how they feel about themselves, experiencing the reality of themselves through the perceptions and actions of others - and because they can get these things from literally anybody under the correctly-managed circumstances, we often see a discard when the fall from grace happens and we almost always see devaluation of the relationship and/or the other person.
Once someone's usefulness goes away, the "feelings" the narcissist had for that person usually go away, too. Feelings for others are superficial and really only extend as far as the person relates to the narcissist. Anything beyond that does not matter. To the narcissist, it doesn't even exist. There's no recognition or understanding of the person as an individual. People only matter to the narcissist if they can do something for the narcissist.
The only reason narcissists get into relationships in the first place is to validate themselves: "If someone loves me, I matter. If someone has sex with me, I matter. If someone cares about me, I matter. If someone pays attention to me, I matter. I exist. I am important." They don't care about sharing their lives, or happy Christmases with the family or what you did at work today or anything like that at all. They would be happiest if you simply did not exist until they needed you to. Again, this in and of itself is not malicious. They just have no real interest in anyone but themselves. They're focused on what they're doing and what they're thinking and what they want. That's basically it.
Narcissists value utility over identity in people, kind of like not caring what kind of vehicle you have as long as it gets good gas mileage. There is no real love in this situation, because love for others is not about how we feel about ourselves. You are the mirror in a narcissistic relationship and when we look into a mirror, we don't see the mirror. We see ourselves reflected back to us. In this same way, the narcissist does not see other people. They see and become infatuated with the perfect reflection of themselves that the other person is showing them. This is not love. If they think it is - and many of them do - it is only because this is the sum of their experience with situations where people use that word. As soon as the reflection changes, their feelings do, too.
Narcissism was named for Narcissus, a figure in Greek mythology who fell in love with his own reflection in the water. Key to understanding narcissists is the understanding that Narcissus did not fall in love with himself. He fell in love with his reflection. In this same way, narcissists are not in love with themselves. Most are actually consumed with fear, envy and self-loathing. Those that are not are simply empty. They are infatuated with the reflections of themselves that they experience through other people's perception of them. It sounds complicated but only to explain. In practice, it's really very simple:
How others see me is how I see myself. When others see me as good, smart, attractive, important and other positive things, I can see myself that way and I like that a lot. I also need these reflections because I have no ability to create a stable self-image, so if I can't find anyone to reflect a positive image of myself back to me, my self-worth crashes and I have no way to do anything about it. I literally live on the opinions of others. If others do not verify my existence through giving me some kind of attention, I do not exist.
And remember, "positive" in this context doesn't necessarily mean "good." That is ideal and would probably always be the preferred situation, but many, many narcissistic people can survive on mostly negative attention, too. As long as their existence can be verified through attention and they can experience themselves as important in some way - even if it's by making other people angry or upset at them, or through hurting others - that is enough. Some masochistic or sadistic narcissists may have even learned to thrive on negative attention and may gear their efforts toward doing things that constantly result in them being punished or in punishing others.
The narcissist loves the attention they receive, they love the verification of their reality and importance as a person, they love the reflection they are being shown of themselves, but they do not love the other person or people in the relationship because, like the mirror, they don't see the other person or people in the relationship. This is a person completely and totally fixated on themselves to the exclusion of everything else. One of the reasons people ask if the narcissist loved them is because they want to believe that the fixation the narcissist seemed to have on them and the importance the narcissist attached to them was real. It is, but not for the reasons people think.What appears to be a fixation on someone else is still a fixation with the self. The narcissist does not want to be around someone constantly because they like them. They want to be around someone constantly because they become infatuated with the way they feel about themselves when this person is around. They will often even say exactly that, or something along the same lines. During the love-bombing or idealization stage of the relationship many things are said and lots of times if we examine them, we will realize they are self-serving statements revolving around the narcissist, not the other person. They believe they are talking about the other person, but this is because they are so self-centered that they don't see the difference between saying, for example:I love you because you're so smart.and
I love you because you make me feel so smart.
These may or may not be sincere statements, but there is a difference between saying "I love you" and "I love the way you make me feel." One is expressing love for someone else and the other is not. It's important to truly listen to what other people are saying and not assume they understand the way we understand or mean what we mean.
What appears to be a fixation on someone else is still a fixation with the self. The narcissist does not want to be around someone constantly because they like them. They want to be around someone constantly because they become infatuated with the way they feel about themselves when this person is around. They will often even say exactly that, or something along the same lines. During the love-bombing or idealization stage of the relationship many things are said and lots of times if we examine them, we will realize they are self-serving statements revolving around the narcissist, not the other person. They believe they are talking about the other person, but this is because they are so self-centered that they don't see the difference between saying, for example:I love you because you're so smart.and
I love you because you make me feel so smart.
These may or may not be sincere statements, but there is a difference between saying "I love you" and "I love the way you make me feel." One is expressing love for someone else and the other is not. It's important to truly listen to what other people are saying and not assume they understand the way we understand or mean what we mean.
Narcissists are mimics and they can be good at creating the appearance of something, but they are usually not that good at it because they don't really understand the things they are mimicking. They usually get a lot of assistance from the other person or people in the relationship simply because the others want to believe in it so badly.
The simple, unvarnished truth is that it really doesn't matter if someone loves you or not if they are treating you badly, if they are not respecting you and if the way they love you makes you feel bad. So many times, people are willing to accept these things and more if they can believe the person loves them. But if someone is doing these things, they don't love you in any healthy way and maybe not even at all. A person can need you, want you, use you, live with you, have sex with you, give birth to you, raise you, support you, buy you presents, give you money, feed you and more, all without ever loving you. These things are not love. They are not like love. They are what they are and that's all they are.
We sometimes hear people say, "You don't hurt the ones you love." Of course we hurt the ones we love sometimes. It's part of being human. But if someone loves you, they don't excuse, justify or defend hurting you, and they don't keep hurting you because they believe you deserve it or because their own stuff is more important. That's not love.
One of the hallmarks of relationships with pathologically narcissistic people is the cycle of good times and bad times, where the narcissist alternates between decent or loving behavior and cruel abusive or neglectful behavior. This is dynamic is caused by splitting, the process by which narcissistic personalities attempt to understand whole object relations. Narcissistic people have extreme difficulty with this and as a result their brain creates two different separate images of the same object when contradictory characteristics are encountered. In order to hold this new contradictory information this usually looks like a split where one understanding of the person is all good and the other is all bad. Ironically because narcissists engage in splitting they may actually accuse the other person of having what seems like multiple personalities or flipping like a switch when in actuality it is they who are doing that. The cycle of narcissistic relationships alternates between idealization and devaluation. The good times with narcissistic personalities are predicated not on love but on idealization which is an imaginary way of viewing something as perfect and more valuable than it really is. The bad times with narcissistic personalities are predicated not on hatred or indifference but on devaluation which is an imaginary way of viewing something as more flawed and less valuable than it really is. Neither idealization nor devaluation are about the other person at all. They include no realistic understanding of the other person in any way. They are about the narcissist affected and even delusional way of seeing other people and themselves.
The narcissistic cycle ensnares the ego with idealization by building it up to tremendous heights and then crushing the ego brutally with devaluation, seemingly at random or for no reason. This is a cycle that intoxicates the ego inflates the ego and even tricks it into falling in love with its own importance, then rips all that away which causes the ego to endlessly chase for more, trying to explain, prove, reason in the hopes of receiving idealization again, but this cycle is not based on real emotions or actual love at all. Idealization definitely feels goodm anyone would like to be considered perfect but it's not love. It can't be because there's no bonding, no intimacy. It's not based in reality in any way and it includes no real understanding of the other person as a person at all. Even if you have genuine feelings for this person you are missing and romanticizing idealization from them not love and you don't need idealization it's just as toxic as devaluation.
For the narcissistic personality giving is impossible. Even if they had the ability, which many do not, they consider it weakness. You can see this very clearly in the insistence of many narcissistic people that attempts to get them to give are manipulations designed to harm them or take advantage of them. Other toxic types of personalities have the same problem as well. The object of the game is to end up with all the marbles and if you give your marbles away then you cannot win the game, the game of survival at all costs. Emotional and energy resources are finite for these types of personalities. They simply don't have enough to share. When you couple that with the lack of empathy in the first place you end up with a personality that is unwilling to give in any way without extracting an enormous price for it and perhaps they're unable to give it all. Some people believe love bombing indicate empathy or the capacity to give but it doesn't. The best this person is capable of is the temporary appearance of giving or intimacy and that's all.
When small children think of love, they think of what other people do for them because that is their only concept of love at that age. The narcissist is the same. They expect to be given all things, accepted in all things and forgiven for all things, with no caring or understanding that this is not a fair, reasonable or realistic way to have an adult relationship. Love bombing is idealization and reacting to reactions. They a reacting to your reactions to the things around you. It's not hard to figure out what's important to somebody. It requires no intelligence or empathy at all. Love bombing is not giving it's taking. It involves boundary violations and the objectification of the other person, who is being to make the narcissist feel good. It's manipulation and theres no giving involved in manipulation at all. Flattery is not giving. Controlling someone is not giving. Violating boundaries is not giving. . Venting is not intimacy. Lying or making up problems to prey on the sympathy of others is not intimacy. Creating flying monkeys by engaging in smear campaigns is not intimacy.
Love bombing is a bombardment of totally inappropriate, extreme, grandiose and boundary violating behaviour. Love-bombing and idealization are just as unhealthy as the rest of the relationship with a narcissistic person. It's not even really about whether it's real or it's not real, although many times it is just a manipulation. No matter what, this kind of extreme behavior is the sign of a toxic and/or dysregulated person. Narcissists devalue and discard for the same reason they idealize and love-bomb: because they are the only ones that matter. idealization feels good and it's usually that idealized image they had of us that we fell in love with and don't want to lose. It is a massive component of these relationships - regardless of whether they are family or romantic. When the narcissist's perfect, idealized image of you lines up with your perfect, idealized image of yourself, you feel like you're being seen in a way you were never seen before, and it's very hard to let go of that. Narcissists attack other people's sense of self relentlessly. Even during love bombing and idealization, they are not seeing you for who you are or allowing you to be that. They are reacting to a false image of you that they have created in their minds. At no point in the relationship are you seen for who and what you are, or are you allowed to be that. You are TOLD what these things are - constantly.
The victim becomes addicted to the drama a chaos not the narcissist. Drama and chaos work much the same way in the brain as opiates. Narcissists are also addicted to this. Another thing is, when you stop participating in the drama cycle, the narcissist continues on the script as if you are still reacting. This is often when you clearly see how disordered the person truly is, and how little any of it has to do with you and what you do. When people do this, they can often see how little they were even being heard, let alone somehow influencing or controlling the narcissist's behavior.. They are having a relationship with their fantasy of you and you are having a relationship with their fantasy of themselves. Their fantasy of themselves becomes your fantasy of them and then nobody in the relationship is accepting or even seeing the other person for who they really are. In order to truly care about somebody you have to see them for who they really are. in all phases of the cycle of the relationship the narcissistic person sees a fantasy projection of you. when their fantasy projection of you lines up with your idealized self you will believe they are seeing you as you truly are, that's the trap.
The idealization that occurs in a healthy relationship is nowhere near as extreme as what happens in narcissistic relationships. The reality of people is not completely different from what you see or what is projected of them. In healthy relationships when people find out that the other person is not as perfect as they thought they were they're able to adjust to that and still have a relationship. This does not happen in relationships with narcissistic people. The discovery that you are not perfect and neither are they is devastating for them. When a person is placed on such a high pedestal there's nowhere to go but down and the fall to the bottom it's far. Get to a place where the toxic ego manipulation perpetuated by a narcissistic person is no longer effective on you. You don't need other people to see you as perfect or flawless or anything like that.Be okay with who you are and it's okay that they don't see you that way.
This is incredibly astute. Thank you
But when you empathize and put their emotions first, does it come from your desire of seeing them happy or you force yourself to listen to them because it's the right thing to do? I'm asking this because sometimes I saw narcissists showing interest but it felt forced or fake. Like they were fed up of being isolated and they would rather put up with my "silly feelings" then being lonely.
They dont love. They own.
This video was hard to watch the first time. The separating actions from words thing broke my heart nothing about her actions were more than just using me for a fix like a drug. A drug that any man really can be fooled into becoming at least once. There will always be more supply. Truth came from me not from her. Eddie Vedder has a line “I change by not changing at all.” That’s her. Hardest lesson of my life. Which includes cancer and heroin addiction and losing my parents. All led me back to myself.
They see people as transactional
Never. Ever.
No!! I bet that’s what he’s gonna say
This video gets more terrifying the more I listen.
No. No. No and yes. You figure that first part out
What make you choose your wife?
You are a tremendous help. I just found your channel. And I know you have great helps on your web.
Thank you!
I am wondering, since the good news happened to you - that your ego is taken away from loving your wife,
Is there still "off and on" times with your "ego" in which you- at a moment -are right back to getting supply from another woman from a lust that arises in you? Even in front of your wife? Or is that not happening anymore?
And also, please, another Question : If so, do you think that will ever stop completely - or never?
And please, I have a sincere Question: Can your wife trust you now? and if so what percentage can she trust you? (100%?, or 50%?, or 70%?, or 45% ?, )
Please, I am using this scenario to seek a little bit more help my own situation with my narc husband of 40 years marriage. Our situation sounds very similar to us our description of yourself and the progress you've made. So that's why I ask you these Thank you.
No.
Can a narcissist really love? Not clear about that - if so do you like it?
I don't think they can with ego in the way.
I did instantly fall out of love with him though. Like, instantly.
I am curious. In a marriage if someone is married to a narcisst can the partner act the same as them? Like mirror their narcissm? Or do narcissists ever marry each other? Cause love the toxicity?
If love is a choice as you said, but do you truly truly have loving emotions in you for your wife now?
For a non narc, to love is not only a choice and actions but also accompanied by a comfortable nice emotional loving feeling for the
one you loved.
Are you able to feel love as i understand narc is void of empathy and love in their heart.
I am just curious to know..
My recent ex narc, claimed to be a man of God. I wanted to barf. I know God can see how he's behaving, and God doesn't speak to other people like he did. Putdowns. Unfaithfulness. Demanding attention. Accusing me of fooling around (lol that was exhausting). More like a wolf in sheep's clothing. It's sad he thinks he's a man of God, when he portrays Satan in real life. I kept waiting for the cool, funny guy to reappear but that didn't happen. I knew i couldn't fix him nor did I want to. I knew it was time to let him go. He isn't young anymore, it breaks my heart he'll never have a connection with another human being. I told him I'd keep praying for him even though I have gone no contact. And not heard from him either. He's onto the new hostage. At the end he said do you want me to send these messages and texts to your work? And that I had better be careful. Exactly. I'm the one who was insulted, used & walked all over in MY house and he is still the victim. Told him to eff off and that was the last contact on June 25. I know I will never hear from him again. Thank you Jesus ❤ for keeping him away from me. Amen.
Thank you for your honesty. My respect 🙌
So when they are addicted to porn and there is so much marriage betrayal compounded by verbal and mental abuse this isn't love. He loves HIMSELF. HE IS HIS #1 FAN
How a person gets narcissistic personality by birth or by circumstances?
If you did a relationship review of Amber Heard’s parents that would be great.😢
No no and nope. The only emotions are negative. Ownership, control, manipulation. Once he got fatter and older I became the enemy because I look better. So then everyone is told I was having an affair. My favorite story involves him messing with the brakes on my bike. I couldn’t be faster and he had fun watching me lose control. After I dislocated my shoulder then he was so nice that I wouldn’t suspect him, he loved being the good guy. Lol
Can I do anything to actually climb over it?
Would love to help you on your healing journey. If I can be of help feel free to grab a time here at www.rawmotivations.com
I think it's so funny that people actually pay narcissist to tell them how to heal LMAO
Have you worked with Leon Walker Jr.?
No