Adversity is basically something that does not exceed someone's ability to healihily adapt whereas trauma is something that leaves permanent or long-lasting damage.
yes, it's all relative to the persons experience...one could have horrific physical abuse and fare as well as someone simply more sensitive and experienced neglect more strongly. we can't compare, we just listen and accept the process of someone sharing their story.@@PaulThronson
My father used to say that: you need to overcome terrible things, meaning traumatic experiences as he had to endure. He thought he had overcome his trauma but he hadn't and he made his children suffer as much as he did
@@jenniferfox8382 People often confuse the stoic wisdom of not getting concerned over what we don't control as trying to turn as many negatives into positives as we can. This makes ideas like this especially pernicious, but of course this is a very insensitive way to handle someone's suffering that could easily lead to trauma via abandonment - especially if this is a person that expected your ex to care about them. It takes a lot of patience to not become angry or frustrated with people like this!
@@jenniferfox8382 Some people really believe that and some are just trying to move on from the subject without saying out loud, "I'm selfish and don't care about anyone else's problems."
Weight lifting is the equivalent of adversity. Trauma however is like dropping a Honda civic on someone. One builds muscle, the other just totally incapacitates.
I would like to add that a car falling on someone is only traumatic if they can't process it. A person could be half eaten by a mountain lion and not be traumatized. Trauma vs adversity is about a person's ability to DEAL with the event that happened, of course the severity is important because the more severe a negative event, the more likely it is trauma causing - but it doesn't have to be.
@@PaulThronsonpeople’s resilience is affected by how much attachment/love/nurture (skin contact/eye contact/attention/rocking etc.) they have received, basically all their experiences from in utero onwards plus how traumatized or healthy/healed their parents are.
@@penyarol83 couldn't be said better ...how much love , attention , patience and other good virtues we were brought up with and shared with :) our good sensibility builds compassion and love i believe .
@@PaulThronson This is misunderstanding that there are also phylogenetical "thresolds" to traumas. This is not only a question of individual (ontogenetics) but rather a set of thresolds common to most if not all of humanity. Besides, your examples of the lion and the car are quite grotesque, because in these cases there is no room for trauma, because the person simply dies. If we follow that path, then we can say that being blown off by a mortar shell isn't traumatic in and of itself, except this isn't only emotionally impossible to withstand, but also physically, so the consequence, is death. Now, if the mortar shell "only" rips off your face and skin by exploding next to you, my bet is that no matter how strong and goodly raised the person is, it's still trauma. Studying past wars is a good way too see that there are some types of events that no matter how strong the man, will break him. So the severity of the event is not only "one factor". Some events can be only traumatising and nothing else, because the human organism is just not equipped phylogenetically, to deal with them. Saying otherwise, is implying that it's mostly about ontogenetics, perpetuating the myth that "strong people don't get traumatised", which could be simplified, as "the individual who gets traumatised was genetically flawed" as was common thought in WW1 for example : soldiers who had "shell shock" (known as combat PTSD now) were thought to have it because of a character defect (namely : cowardice), not because withstanding high caliber shelling was simply impossible for a human being to withstand for an extended period. It is also interesting to note, that often the psychiatrists, doctors and officers who supported this thesis, had never seen trench warfare.
@@zakatista5246How does one become evil? By being alienated from themselves and love, that is why evil people are evil, that combined with narcisssm, and the fact that the world selects for the most savage people often, that’s how evil happens.
In a world full of false idols, disinformation and gas-lighting, you stand out and above the crowd as an honest to goodness, real life role model, Daniel. You are a beacon of hope for those of us dealing with trauma who are trying to break through to the truth. Thank you so much.
Ironically, I had to do a thesis on this topic to receive my English certification. In summary, I said adversity is something you face; while trauma is something put in your face. Adversity is enviable, and trauma is a consequence. Becoming a Dr comes with a lot of adversity. Becoming an adult with narcissistic parents comes with a lot of trauma. You chose your adversity, but others chose your trauma for you.
suppressed feelings of hatred causes someone to disassociate to such a great amount that the memories are blacked out hate is a natural feeling response to cruelty and brutality along with suffering severe devastation that does not resolve the abuse
I would like to add that trauma can also be in a form that not something bad happening, but something good that supposed to happen not happening -e.g love and care from caregivers. When people think trauma only as something bad happening, it leads to underestimating the number of people who are traumatized.
Love this, so true. I have seen it time and time again how people with healthy families and healthy upbringings achieve things effortlessly while those of us with severe traumas have to kill ourselves trying to achieve because we keep getting in our own way in ways we're not even aware of.
I found that trauma resides in the body in ways that disable me completely. A few years back I got my dream job, and had a chance to move abroad from my disfunctional house, rent paid by employer. I really wanted to do it, in my mind I was determined, but my body went into such shock from all emotions and anticipation that I couldn't sleep at night at all in weeks leading to my move. I was laying in my bed, shaking uncontrollably, with stomach cramps, trying to soothe myself but nothing helped. One night I simply couldn't stand it anymore and wrote an email informing about my resignation. That was my dream job. It was absolutely brutal. The helplessness, the feeling no matter what I do I'm doomed. I don't know if I will ever get over this. I know it sounds ridiculous but I genuinely feel it's a curse, fate; that me being unhappy is an unwritten law of nature.
Often I see people treat trauma AS adversity and claim they "got over it" when anyone can see they havent. It's absolutely not true! But in a world where traumatizers perpetuate the norm of trauma, they feel that its a ritual or rite of passage to become broken on the inside.
My beloved was sexually abused when he was 10 and the closer we got the more vulnerable he was and ever since he shared his trauma with me the relationship was never the same because he carries so much shame because of it. Now he’s pushing me away and it breaks my heart . He refuses to speak with a professional. So sad to see such a wonderful person in so much pain and hiding behind a mask . This topic is so important. Thank you so much for your genuine way of expressing yourself ❤.
Chris Voss - Never Split the Difference. Resources like these are good for understanding emotional motivations and traumas on a deeper level, and can help someone healing their own traumas. Never Split the Difference is about how to communicate with and understand other people with trauma. It’s an emotional intelligence book disguised as a negotiation book. It’s what set me on my path to discovering what was wrong with my relationships, and healing from the trauma in my life. That book and their CZcams channel will probably be perfect for you talking to, and winning back, your beloved.
Ive honestly done this before to people ive opened up to. From my own perspective, its a mixture: fear ("my friend/partner might leave me for being too vulnerable with them, i should leave them first before they do"), shame ("i overshared, i said too much, my pain and my trauma is too powerful to be understood or carried by someone other than myself"), and rage ("why do you still love me, even after I've share some of the darkest; most troubled parts of myself?"). Its so, so hard being on either side and Im so sorry that your partner went through a horrifying childhood trauma. personally, i went thru this recently with a friend, where i opened up about my childhood, and she was so patient and loving after all even though it had been two months in which we didnt speak. We talked through it and we missed each other so much. You seem to be just as compassionate and patient as my friend. i can tell u to give them as much space as they need. be there, even if its just to listen quietly and patiently. honor the pain, the version of themselves they are reliving by respecting them fully ("getting down to their level" so to speak) . its been 7 months since u left this comment but I truly hope you both are doing better❤
Often parents are kind of aware that something was wrong with their parents, and rant about it on front of their children, but if their children point out bad things their parents do, they can't hanlde it and try to shut it down in any way possible.
My childhood was a nightmare one could imagine, I was bullied literally everywhere, in house by my dad who was an immature alcoholic, my parents were married when my dad was 20 and my mom was 19, so that alone can tell you he was immature little traumatized kid who lost dad at 7 and mom at 21, I was 10 months old when he lost his mom and all that made him to drink more rage a lot beat up my mom abuse her destroy her, he would do all that to me aswell i remember playing playstation1 with him when i was 5 or 6 years old we were playing football game and i remember him winning against me and that made me frustrated i started to cry and instead of him trying to cheer me up like " dont worry honey its just a game" he beat the sh*t out of me and started raging and yelling at me after that my mom came to the room and took me out i was completely destroyed from inside and out i couldn't get it why would he do that to me and thats just 1 episode i can go on and on theres thousands and thousands of stories like these and thats just 1 story what was happening in my home, I was getting bullied outside my home 5-6 kids out of 10 were bullies and you were either a bully or a victim and you can assume i was a victim, I couldn't get it why would these kids be so mean they would beat me physically mentally annihilate me, I was being bullied at school aswell, I was being bullied at sports i was boxing when i was 13 to 16 year old , i was bullied in military "In my country every boy that's 18 years old has to go to millitary for 1year" i was a chubby little kid who had no evil in himself i was very friendly towards people who i perceived as not "harmful for me" i liked to play video games on my playstation i liked to watch cartoons on cartoon network i liked english language "english is my 3rd langauge so if i do a lot of mistakes in grammar pardon" so all those things made me bitter made me full of rage i remember always asking my self to this day why is there so much rage in me i couldn't understand why im full of rage revenge and agony, sometimes i feel so much rage that i imagine killing few people that made me this skewed/distorted way would help me but then after the inner rage sadness and madness passes i realize that its all my buckled up trauma that distorted my inner talk/ and conscious im pretty sure i have quiet bpd and my dad has one too "maybe not quiet one" but he has one for sure. All those things made me bitter full of rage i cant even get along with most of the people now i have trouble keeping the workplace keeping relationships keep being "whats considered normal" i struggle everyday i struggle from my paranoid thoughts from my negative self talk from my negative past and my inner critic that doesnt let me rest and overanalyzes everything thats past,present and future i dont even know whats being normal is i can go on and on list can go deeper and deeper but ill stop here I just want to thank you Daniel for making videos like these and help people realize and embrace themselves as they are and practice self love thank you so much, much love
I am also filled with rage which is completely out of my true character. I was a shy, caring, sensitive girl who received a massive dump of neglect and emotional abuse. I sometimes can't believe what I've become.
I am the person who shuts off emotions all the time. It has become so common for me, that I curse people who render emotional support because going through silence repeatedly has now embedded in my blood that everytime someone asks me to express my feelings, I get angry and defensive and tell them that Im okay, I am a big girl and i dont need their support. I became like this after my parents' marriage fell apart, since my mom is not qualified enough for a job, she never divorced (its a taboo in my culture) and so... they were in a forced proximity, always LITERALLY yelling at each other that if life gave them a 2nd chance they wud not even come close to even looking at each other. The hate for each other made them tough, my mom went through a lot because she was the emotional and kind one. Dad was just... there. Sort of like a statue. And BECAUSE they realised that life is not roses, since childhood they taught me the same. They HATED ..still hate, tears. Even though both have separately cried infront of me...they tell me not to cry, when I do they get angry because being a woman, they are scared for me that if I cry, I'll become week and will get raped/murdered by the strange men outside. They dont liem tears, they dont like weekness, they dont like the emotional me. When I was a kid, till i turned 19 , I was hit by my parents alot regularly, they had this rage inside of them (because they were living with a spouse they hated) , they used me as a punching bag. And so i eventually stopped crying, stopped feeling pain.
That's how I feel like being a pre dental students. I definitely cry days and nights for the adversities, but they are still much easier to handle than what my father did to me as a child.
Yeah you’ll find that in the work place also. I’m finding to that no one even asks about me it’s sad it’s just “how are you?” While as I actually take the time to get to know people idk maybe they think it’s weird. I’m not really afraid to get to know people though 🤷♀️ and it just seems like at school or at work people are hiding whom they really are I can’t stand it I think that’s something that gives me major anxiety. I hope you feel better it’s awful you’re crying day and night that’s tough.
@@mariahconklin4150 Lol I guess I was exaggerating with crying days and night part, but there are definitely a lot of nights I lose sleep until 3 or 4am. You sounds like an incredible empathetic person to people around you even if they don't reciprocate. I also have trouble making new friends bc it's so hard to break down that wall. I hate the anxiety to be constantly thinking what to say and do to make people feel comfortable and open up to me. I just accept it as my weak spot I guess.
daniel, i hope you never stop making these videos. i never found a more emotional intelligent, reflecting and empathetic person on the internet. thank you for your insight!
Advice like: love your children, listen to them, respect their boundaries is useless for parents who are unable to view their own behavior objectively. They'll say they totally do these things while not doing them at all in reality.
Absolutely most people that i know that traumatized me makes the animal inside of me to return in kind thrice, despite knowing already that the people involved were already messed up concisively in my head. Or maybe i do hate them for making my world all about my traumas and actively running away from it, making my world small.
The way I “forgave” my abuser is giving love to myself…I don’t need to forgive them to heal. I need to grieve my trauma and grow and love myself to heal. Also- F them lol
The way you described parts of oneself splitting off as a result of trauma is so accurate. And by healing and grieving our traumas these split off parts can begin to see that there is a safe and wellcome place to come back to and stay. Someone once recommended me a book called “feel the fear and do it anyway”. People are different, but in my case it would have been “feel the fear, do it anyway and have a complete breakdown”. Another great video. It is so interesting how you look at things from different angles.
I've never heard this version of "children need to go through trauma to grow". Maybe some might say about adversities and difficulties that were actually traumatising, like "my parents spanked me and i came out okay". To say it so blatantly amd explicitly means the person is very split off from themselves and i think most people aren't to that level because if they'll say "trauma is healthy for a child" it will make them confront their own abuse.
Thank you for drawing this distinction so well. I have cancer and broke my arm two years ago. It never healed and i don't want surgery because my body isn't healing well right now. So i have a partially functional left arm. I am disabled. Trauma is disabling. Having cancer has been adversity. I have used it to learn and grow and love myself better. Adversity is empowering.
I think this is a thoughtful breakdown. Thank you. A question I ask myself, that I wrote with a sharpee and taped to my wall where I'll see it as I pass by is, "What is my issue?" I treat it like a gentle meditation, and it helps me to focus on what I can change.
Healthy child rearing should be taught in schools. I live in the south and come across people, especially among very poor, who believe a good parent is strict and kicks their child's ass when needed. A new mother who constantly doted on her baby boy once told me that she was gonna beat the hell out of him when he got older and misbehaved. She was actually a kind person and was sharing that as proof of her love. I don't know how that kind of ignorance is still so widespread but there must be a way to stop it.
I would like to talk about Stockholm syndrome which seems to be talking about the basic need for survival in society. Stockholm Syndrome: It refers to the bond that can develop between hostages and their captors. Isn't becoming a hostage and a captor the basic relationship between parents and children and employers and employees in most relationships? Who is ever free?
Seems to me like trauma arises more from parental rejection where adversity, from circumstances outside of the parents control. Compare a child raised in a war zone by healed and individuated parents with a child raised in a privilege to Country by unprocessed parents.
Your channel is by far the best discovery I have made since I first started watching CZcams. You have provided so much clarity, validity, and insight to so many of my own perceptions that I developed prior to watching, and I finally do not feel so alone in my perception of the world and people. Thank you
My mom was evil- she tried to force me to sign emancipation forms but I told her she couldn't force me to sign them, she put me in foster care in the middle of my senior year. I hadn't been allowed in the house after school until 6pm and she made my life hell. I was so traumatized and embarrassed that I couldn't even accept help from school friends. She then destroyed my 4 year scholarship offer so she wouldn't have to compete with me. I'm 62 now, and when I got my hip replaced last year, I realized that the reason my hips were nearly pulled from their sockets was her violent manner of suddenly dragging us into place to change our diapers- caused another whirlwind of grief even at my age. I dealt with it at the time as if it were adversity, but now I see it more as trauma.
Conquered adversity makes you stronger. Unresolved adversity potentially develops into trauma. Unresolved trauma makes you weaker. Healed trauma make you stronger.
I've been through a lot of shit in the past two years and my family abandoned me when I was homeless. Neither of my siblings would let me stay a few weeks with them even though they have extra rooms and way better financial situations. I'm not speaking to them anymore and my sister's friend reached out to me and said they were only doing what's best for me and want me to stand on my own feet. This society is totally deranged and sick. Isn't abandoning people the antithesis of what a family is supposed to be all about? This society has a lot of solipsism.
Diff. between trauma and adversity. Daniel, your insights are a breath of fresh air. Your knowledge of human psychology is down to earth and realistic. You talked about grieving how it is so important to our mental growth. I am 60 years young and raising a 12 year old son. Integrating and dealing with my childhood traumas and being there for my wounded self has brought me so much presence and peace. I no longer am unconscious and can see and act clearly when my son has either an emotional setback or any other setback. I am able to keep my emotions in check when his are escalated. Since I was never allowed to show emotions, I let him show his all the time. I also see that he tries to escalate me to match his emotions by calling me names, trying to shame me, etc. I don't give in and tell him there are better ways to deal with his anger. My patience towards him hopefully shows him to have patience towards himself during these times. Lastly, I had my son late in life. I never thought about my childhood until I became a parent at 48. Is this normal? have others experienced this too?
Beware of the vital difference between allowing your child to express all his emotions in a safe way and instead allowing him to act out, which is potentially narcissistic and may harm his ability to fit in into peer groups and society as he grows up. I do recommend a book not specific for raising children, but for a detailed discussion on what achieving balanced adulthood should entail. I adore the book, and go back to it a lot, by the way. HOW TO BE AN ADULT by David Richo. Warm wishes 🌺
@@Lalallalu Thank you Lal, really good points you bring up. His father is a covert narc, (my ex) and I think about that all the time. He is a good father and does not do the push/pull with our son. I often wonder too if I am raising him correctly? I am doing the right things? My emotional growth has been steady, I'm setting and protecting strong boundaries, I make clear what my expectations are and what the consequences are if he doesn't meet them. I appreciate you bringing this to my attention. Reinforcement in me with what my goals are is ALWAYS a good thing. : D It takes a village to raise a child. Love and Peace to you Lal.
Thank you so much sir for everything that you do. I'm 22, and i am really grateful for the inspiration that you give me by telling us about your self-reflection, which, i feel, arms me with tools to enhance my self-reflection and healing. Thank you.
Thanks Daniel I love your channel and have learnt a lot from you. This video is very important. I find most people have PTSD with no memory of it. I agree we do need to grieve our emotions but what if we are in denial or numb. We have to deal with our denial and blocks to feeling our trauma first. There is a process of undoing the trauma before we can grieve. Each layer is emotional and needs to be felt to be released. I have found that first I have to deal with the denial emotionally - I don't want to deal with this trauma and get angry (without projecting it on another) about why I should have to deal with this to heal, its not fair, bash a punchbag get the anger out and within minutes I am into emotions like I am alone, I can't cope, I will go crazy if I feel this, I feel uncared for, unsupported, its hopeless, pointless, nothing changes these are all types of fears which are false beliefs that the child felt from its environment. I then start to feel cold, shake, sometimes feel sick and have bodily feelings of the emotions that were suppressed at the time. When a child feels emotions it's a whole body experience, it is not just a cognitive experience. Once fear is felt the grief of the child pours out easily. It can take minutes, hours or a few days. I have followed this process myself and it works. I know others that are following this path too that have had the same results. When I have done this process I have learnt many things about myself, self awareness, self responsibility, courage, faith, patience and that our bodies were created to release all emotions with ease. I am not religious but I believe in a creator and I long and desire that this creator/source/God help me during every part of this process and most times once I have felt the emotion I mostly remember what it was about- there are some emotions that are transgenerational or that we absorbed when we were babies that I don't remember but just feel and they release. I have been told and know the key is to just feel the next emotion that is coming up whatever it is - I hate doing this etc but not to get into any judgement about it or blame yourself as this stops the process. Trying is lying, if I am trying then I don't want to feel it and so I go back to feeling about how I really don't want to do this and feel that to its fullest and then I will drop down into the next layer usually fears about what it will mean if I feel the emotion. If I am numb, locked down I know I am in terror / afraid so I just tell myself I am afraid and feel this in my heart. I long / desire with all my heart to God and my Guides to show me what I am afraid of. and within a day usually minutes/hours I find the answer. We cannot release a childhood trauma instantly as we have suppressed it for so many years - it is a process of unfolding and it is emotional. We are like a little flower that has closed up and had no sunlight, nourishment, we cannot give or be given anything in this state we are closed but gradually as we release each layer, each leaf opens until we eventually become this beautiful flower the essence of our true nature and self. As soon as you have released your grief through this process you feel the shift and are not affected by many things that you were in the past - addictions emotional, physical or spiritual addictions that were associated with keeping this trauma suppressed - they all disappear. It is freedom on this issue - This is the process I learnt from Divine.Truth.com. I have a BSc in Psychology, trained psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and many others modalities but once I learnt to feel terror and fear I just follow this process. This is the process everyone will have to go through to fully heal, all others are treating effects and like a river that has been dammed, the river will find other pathways causing further damage until it is allowed to flow. All this information and more is given freely at Divine.Truth.com. I am not selling anything or trying to gain anything from this post only to tell people that we can heal from our traumas and lead happy and healthy lives. The soul drives everything it is emotional and dealing with any of the effects does not change what is in the soul. In psychology we call it the unconscious. I never believed in God and had reservations about the Divine Truth at first but they encourage you to experiment with this process (they explain it in far greater detail than I can) and I did and it works
Makes me think that adversities are the final level of "Zone of proximal development" before the stress becomes too much for the organism, thus falling into trauma. As a health/strength coach it seems like an occasional "adversity" created by the coach for the client can improve self-efficacy and health, but too many start turning into a traumatic pattern that kills the motivation to keep on working on themselves.
Im still traumatised as a parent but I had made a promise to myself not to pass my problems on to my kids. Im sure Ive got things wrong along the way and Im in the process of healing.. Im going to help my kids heal too.
The earlier the trauma the more damage and difficulty there is. On the other hand, having a loving and nurturing environment in early life can instill incredible resilience in a person. This was me. Shit didn’t hit the fan until I was 11. Then again at 22 and 27. I already told this story in the intellectualization video. Anyway a healthy early childhood gave me the tools to change trauma into adversity. Great stuff!
All the sh*t we receive in childhood just keeps going downhill to the next generation; and on it goes. We have probably been doing this for many, many generations. No wonder this world is mostly a pile of cr*p! To quote John Lennon; love is what we need. LOVE your children as you would yourself!
Hi Daniel, I have a question about grieving. Not grieving in the sense of someone having died, but grieving... well, grieving all the pain itself. Is there ever an end to it? How do you know it is healthy, when it often feels stressful to the body in its intensity? I wish i could trust that it is healthy and have faith that if i let myself fully grieve and feel it all, that it will pass or that something will be released or removed from me. How can you trust that it is a healing and healthy process when it feels so painful? I hope you can do another video on this topic sometime soon and provide your latest insights and advice. And some comfort and encouragement, because I want to believe that there is a purpose for me feeling this way and that I shouldn't be afraid of it or try to avoid it. Thank you ❤
Thank you very much, Daniel, your videos help me so much! you can't even imagine how much they help me. Sometimes I feel that I am in connection to myself, it feels like all of my past is condensed into my present moment. And this experience is pretty psychodelic in some sense. But sometimes I feel that I am, as you say, dissociated from myself and just cant get into this state of awareness again. I try to look into myself, I really strugle, I remember some insights from my intense analysis of my past, but it just doesnt work sometimes. It just is not clicking: yes, this happened to me and that is why I do this thing today, I cant believe it but this happened. Okay. Even in this dissociated state I am much better than before in terms of mental health, but I feel that sometimes I just cannot maintain this connection to myself. I began this process just two weeks ago and I discovered so much about my life that it just blew my mind. Maybe you can give some advice about how can I maintain this state and how can I be sure that I am moving in the right direction, because there is so much fear that I am just going crazy and that this all is just an illusion. Thank you very much again, you really radiate the truth which I sincerely feel
I relate to a lot of what you said here. I feel completely in touch with myself, centered, and like I know what I'm about sometimes. Then I lose it again. I'm not sure if it's the same thing you're describing here. But I do know that living in an unhealthy environment with other dysfunctional people who aren't connected with themselves is probably making it harder for me to stabilize.
Daniel, this is an excellent video and I'm sure that you could even say more on this topic like do a continuing discussion of this topic yet what you have shared here covers many of the important aspects of discerning these issues, and I really appreciate what you have shared. Thank you very much.
A violent narcissistic older sister, a mother that never bothered, never showed love or affection and hardly ever there and an absent father are the foundations of my being, then a whole lot of shït on top until my twenties. I dont think ive ever felt love and im so bloody lonely i dont fit in anywhere, easier to shut down/off almost autistic trait to shut ut all down. Hoping the next life will be better 🙏
Hi Daniel, I have been financially prepping to go no contact with my mom. I feel like there are probably a lot of people (myself included) who wonder (when going no contact) if there is a certain way to do it... Or a "best" way to do it. I would love to see a video on this one day. Does one just quietly leave, or write a letter, or what? It's such a weird thing to break up with a parent. I've been taught over and over not to verbally open up to my abuser as it always ends in disaster... Which leaves me with limited options. Anyway, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your videos. This is such a taboo topic and it must be so hard to speak about it in such a public way. But this is a massive step towards change, and I have so much respect for what you're doing. Sending love. All the best to you!
The best way to go no contact is to honor the fact that you owe no one,anywhere,an explanation for taking good care of yourself! Making sure you can provide for yourself when you go is also key,as that will enable you to make the best decisions for your own self care. Best wishes to you ❤ from someone who successfully went no contact from my abusive family with no explanation.You cannot enlighten an abuser,no.matter.how eloquent or articulate you may be. It's more important for you to understand what you need to thrive,than to waste time and energy explaining to people who have abused you.
I've had a chronic illness for the past 20 years. For me, it's been a large source of trauma and also made it harder to deal with existing trauma and other issues. However, I would guess that for a lot of people it would be more towards the adversity side of things rather than trauma.
This is awesome for you to explain this to people! I remember such confusing messages about being stronger due to being treated horribly. Challenge is a good thing but life itself can be challenging and a person can choose positive challenging activities and accomplishments for healthy growth and learning like athletics, study and learning. Abusing someone and then using the excuse that it was a good thing because it made a child stronger is insane. 😢
I'm glad you shined a light on this. I see this confusion happening because culture has perverted "approval" to somehow mean "acceptance", which I hear no one discussing. Approval merely conforms or doesn't get in the way; it is impersonal. Acceptance, on the other hand, is about _actively_ forging a sense of mutual belonging for the good of itself. It is a major distinction that seems to go entirely unnoticed, and it's a shame many activist movements seem among the most intent on assaulting the distinction between "approval" and "acceptance". I hope this changes. Thank you for continuing to make videos. I've been going through your archive a lot over many weeks and silently enjoying your content. I appreciate the work you put into it. 👍
I just noticed this channel is over 100k subs now. Its about time it took off!! So glad your work will be seen by more people. Congratulations! ...but i am worried that too many subs will mean the content will change. Too often ppl get some success and change. Like dr grande or Kati Morton. Both have had ethical issues since growing
Dear Daniel, have you ever thought about how many of your views correspond to those of Carl Jung? The Self, Inner Child, How Solitude lets us connect to ourselves, dreams beeing supportive...
This idea of 'tough love' does seem to be a generational bug I've noticed, especially in more old-fashioned families. I came from a similar background and at the age of 26 I have noticed how it shaped me, and how it created so many problems in my life. To others who are going through this, focus on yourself even though you were taught that was wrong. Focus on your healing so you can heal others, and become the cycle breaker. Unlike the un-integrated older generations, you have the choice to become strong and end what they couldn't.
Your excellent arguments here are quite reassuring as they're clearly an effective quietus to the misguided rationalisations of perpetrators. In the court of reason, you win. It may not change a perpetrator's mind today but good arguments tend to withstand the passage of time. Friendly nudge to do some writing & publishing. You are doing important work. 👍
If you really got over trauma, you would naturally seek to spare others. To wish for the same trauma upon any others, much less inflict it upon others, is a dead giveaway of the fact that your own is unresolved.
What's the difference between something awesome and something awful (awe-full)? Some level of disrupt, surprise, agitation is healthy for us as it's in a growth zone, but too much puts a person beyond their capacities to integrate as it's in the danger zone.
It's like with strength. You know how they say in emergencies you can lift a car up.... Well, that's not going to make you stronger. You're likely to mess up your back from that one effort. But on the other hand, if you train your back muscles with appropriate weights, regularly -- then you will have a strong healthy back.
Your videos are extremely therapeutic. Thank you! Please consider uploading a video regarding the political climate nowadays and how that affects our behavioral health 🙏🏻 Please.
Adversity is like running a marathon while trauma is like breaking one’s leg.
Trauma vs adversity is determined by the person facing the event, not the severity of the event - although that will often play a factor.
Adversity is basically something that does not exceed someone's ability to healihily adapt whereas trauma is something that leaves permanent or long-lasting damage.
@@h4xi0rek this is probably the near best way of describing it
yes, it's all relative to the persons experience...one could have horrific physical abuse and fare as well as someone simply more sensitive and experienced neglect more strongly. we can't compare, we just listen and accept the process of someone sharing their story.@@PaulThronson
❤
My father used to say that: you need to overcome terrible things, meaning traumatic experiences as he had to endure. He thought he had overcome his trauma but he hadn't and he made his children suffer as much as he did
Your father was wrong and I'm sorry he made you suffer needlessly.
@@PaulThronson Thank you Paul
My ex is the same way. Anytime someone suffers around him he says they need to toughen up and its good. No-one protected him as a child.
@@jenniferfox8382 People often confuse the stoic wisdom of not getting concerned over what we don't control as trying to turn as many negatives into positives as we can. This makes ideas like this especially pernicious, but of course this is a very insensitive way to handle someone's suffering that could easily lead to trauma via abandonment - especially if this is a person that expected your ex to care about them. It takes a lot of patience to not become angry or frustrated with people like this!
@@jenniferfox8382 Some people really believe that and some are just trying to move on from the subject without saying out loud, "I'm selfish and don't care about anyone else's problems."
Weight lifting is the equivalent of adversity. Trauma however is like dropping a Honda civic on someone. One builds muscle, the other just totally incapacitates.
I would like to add that a car falling on someone is only traumatic if they can't process it. A person could be half eaten by a mountain lion and not be traumatized. Trauma vs adversity is about a person's ability to DEAL with the event that happened, of course the severity is important because the more severe a negative event, the more likely it is trauma causing - but it doesn't have to be.
@@PaulThronson I agree. In a way, trauma is kind of evolution's way of solving an unsolvable problem.
@@PaulThronsonpeople’s resilience is affected by how much attachment/love/nurture (skin contact/eye contact/attention/rocking etc.) they have received, basically all their experiences from in utero onwards plus how traumatized or healthy/healed their parents are.
@@penyarol83 couldn't be said better ...how much love , attention , patience and other good virtues we were brought up with and shared with :) our good sensibility builds compassion and love i believe .
@@PaulThronson This is misunderstanding that there are also phylogenetical "thresolds" to traumas. This is not only a question of individual (ontogenetics) but rather a set of thresolds common to most if not all of humanity.
Besides, your examples of the lion and the car are quite grotesque, because in these cases there is no room for trauma, because the person simply dies.
If we follow that path, then we can say that being blown off by a mortar shell isn't traumatic in and of itself, except this isn't only emotionally impossible to withstand, but also physically, so the consequence, is death. Now, if the mortar shell "only" rips off your face and skin by exploding next to you, my bet is that no matter how strong and goodly raised the person is, it's still trauma.
Studying past wars is a good way too see that there are some types of events that no matter how strong the man, will break him. So the severity of the event is not only "one factor". Some events can be only traumatising and nothing else, because the human organism is just not equipped phylogenetically, to deal with them.
Saying otherwise, is implying that it's mostly about ontogenetics, perpetuating the myth that "strong people don't get traumatised", which could be simplified, as "the individual who gets traumatised was genetically flawed" as was common thought in WW1 for example : soldiers who had "shell shock" (known as combat PTSD now) were thought to have it because of a character defect (namely : cowardice), not because withstanding high caliber shelling was simply impossible for a human being to withstand for an extended period.
It is also interesting to note, that often the psychiatrists, doctors and officers who supported this thesis, had never seen trench warfare.
Encountering the evil of other people is traumatic.
The evil... i.e., the repressed, buried traumas that are being acted out
@@penyarol83 I think we may be kidding ourselves to think that there is an explanation.
@@zakatista5246How does one become evil? By being alienated from themselves and love, that is why evil people are evil, that combined with narcisssm, and the fact that the world selects for the most savage people often, that’s how evil happens.
Yes!
In a world full of false idols, disinformation and gas-lighting, you stand out and above the crowd as an honest to goodness, real life role model, Daniel. You are a beacon of hope for those of us dealing with trauma who are trying to break through to the truth. Thank you so much.
Axe
Seemingly in the minority, especially when reading the discourse around that viral video: Entitled Daughter Loses It When Finally Told 'No'
@@Earl_E_Burd Those videos are just entertaining. Many people don't simply want to watch serious videos.
Grateful for bringing all this into light, Daniel.
Ironically, I had to do a thesis on this topic to receive my English certification.
In summary, I said adversity is something you face; while trauma is something put in your face. Adversity is enviable, and trauma is a consequence.
Becoming a Dr comes with a lot of adversity. Becoming an adult with narcissistic parents comes with a lot of trauma. You chose your adversity, but others chose your trauma for you.
The element of "not being in control" and "having no choice" is big part in traumatic events.
And the consequence of trauma is the inability to function like a normal adult.
Very well put.
suppressed feelings of hatred causes someone to disassociate to such a great amount that the memories are blacked out
hate is a natural feeling response to cruelty and brutality along with suffering severe devastation that does not resolve the abuse
I would like to add that trauma can also be in a form that not something bad happening, but something good that supposed to happen not happening -e.g love and care from caregivers. When people think trauma only as something bad happening, it leads to underestimating the number of people who are traumatized.
So emotional neglect...
Very true and important.
Yeah..exactly ...I read this line in one of John Bradshaw's book that said "its not the matter of what was done to you but what was not done"
I agree with you there, Daniel, children don’t need trauma at all.
Love this, so true. I have seen it time and time again how people with healthy families and healthy upbringings achieve things effortlessly while those of us with severe traumas have to kill ourselves trying to achieve because we keep getting in our own way in ways we're not even aware of.
This is not an accurate description of the human species.
@@thelightside77it is
We keep getting in our own way, and/or we’re just so overloaded with pain.
Wow so true ugh. Have you seen that show The Bear? Gah it’s like the main characters family don’t want to give too much away
I found that trauma resides in the body in ways that disable me completely. A few years back I got my dream job, and had a chance to move abroad from my disfunctional house, rent paid by employer. I really wanted to do it, in my mind I was determined, but my body went into such shock from all emotions and anticipation that I couldn't sleep at night at all in weeks leading to my move. I was laying in my bed, shaking uncontrollably, with stomach cramps, trying to soothe myself but nothing helped. One night I simply couldn't stand it anymore and wrote an email informing about my resignation. That was my dream job. It was absolutely brutal. The helplessness, the feeling no matter what I do I'm doomed. I don't know if I will ever get over this. I know it sounds ridiculous but I genuinely feel it's a curse, fate; that me being unhappy is an unwritten law of nature.
Often I see people treat trauma AS adversity and claim they "got over it" when anyone can see they havent. It's absolutely not true! But in a world where traumatizers perpetuate the norm of trauma, they feel that its a ritual or rite of passage to become broken on the inside.
My beloved was sexually abused when he was 10 and the closer we got the more vulnerable he was and ever since he shared his trauma with me the relationship was never the same because he carries so much shame because of it. Now he’s pushing me away and it breaks my heart . He refuses to speak with a professional. So sad to see such a wonderful person in so much pain and hiding behind a mask . This topic is so important. Thank you so much for your genuine way of expressing yourself ❤.
Has he tried alternatives like Ketamine? he may come back to you very quickly 💚
Thanks I will look into it . I’ve never heard of it before .
Chris Voss - Never Split the Difference.
Resources like these are good for understanding emotional motivations and traumas on a deeper level, and can help someone healing their own traumas. Never Split the Difference is about how to communicate with and understand other people with trauma. It’s an emotional intelligence book disguised as a negotiation book.
It’s what set me on my path to discovering what was wrong with my relationships, and healing from the trauma in my life. That book and their CZcams channel will probably be perfect for you talking to, and winning back, your beloved.
I literally give out copies of the book for free. Chris Voss changed my life.
Ive honestly done this before to people ive opened up to. From my own perspective, its a mixture: fear ("my friend/partner might leave me for being too vulnerable with them, i should leave them first before they do"), shame ("i overshared, i said too much, my pain and my trauma is too powerful to be understood or carried by someone other than myself"), and rage ("why do you still love me, even after I've share some of the darkest; most troubled parts of myself?"). Its so, so hard being on either side and Im so sorry that your partner went through a horrifying childhood trauma. personally, i went thru this recently with a friend, where i opened up about my childhood, and she was so patient and loving after all even though it had been two months in which we didnt speak. We talked through it and we missed each other so much. You seem to be just as compassionate and patient as my friend. i can tell u to give them as much space as they need. be there, even if its just to listen quietly and patiently. honor the pain, the version of themselves they are reliving by respecting them fully ("getting down to their level" so to speak)
. its been 7 months since u left this comment but I truly hope you both are doing better❤
Often parents are kind of aware that something was wrong with their parents, and rant about it on front of their children, but if their children point out bad things their parents do, they can't hanlde it and try to shut it down in any way possible.
because they can't stomach becoming their parents
My childhood was a nightmare one could imagine, I was bullied literally everywhere, in house by my dad who was an immature alcoholic, my parents were married when my dad was 20 and my mom was 19, so that alone can tell you he was immature little traumatized kid who lost dad at 7 and mom at 21, I was 10 months old when he lost his mom and all that made him to drink more rage a lot beat up my mom abuse her destroy her, he would do all that to me aswell i remember playing playstation1 with him when i was 5 or 6 years old we were playing football game and i remember him winning against me and that made me frustrated i started to cry and instead of him trying to cheer me up like " dont worry honey its just a game" he beat the sh*t out of me and started raging and yelling at me after that my mom came to the room and took me out i was completely destroyed from inside and out i couldn't get it why would he do that to me and thats just 1 episode i can go on and on theres thousands and thousands of stories like these and thats just 1 story what was happening in my home, I was getting bullied outside my home 5-6 kids out of 10 were bullies and you were either a bully or a victim and you can assume i was a victim, I couldn't get it why would these kids be so mean they would beat me physically mentally annihilate me, I was being bullied at school aswell, I was being bullied at sports i was boxing when i was 13 to 16 year old , i was bullied in military "In my country every boy that's 18 years old has to go to millitary for 1year" i was a chubby little kid who had no evil in himself i was very friendly towards people who i perceived as not "harmful for me" i liked to play video games on my playstation i liked to watch cartoons on cartoon network i liked english language "english is my 3rd langauge so if i do a lot of mistakes in grammar pardon" so all those things made me bitter made me full of rage i remember always asking my self to this day why is there so much rage in me i couldn't understand why im full of rage revenge and agony, sometimes i feel so much rage that i imagine killing few people that made me this skewed/distorted way would help me but then after the inner rage sadness and madness passes i realize that its all my buckled up trauma that distorted my inner talk/ and conscious im pretty sure i have quiet bpd and my dad has one too "maybe not quiet one" but he has one for sure. All those things made me bitter full of rage i cant even get along with most of the people now i have trouble keeping the workplace keeping relationships keep being "whats considered normal" i struggle everyday i struggle from my paranoid thoughts from my negative self talk from my negative past and my inner critic that doesnt let me rest and overanalyzes everything thats past,present and future i dont even know whats being normal is i can go on and on list can go deeper and deeper but ill stop here I just want to thank you Daniel for making videos like these and help people realize and embrace themselves as they are and practice self love thank you so much, much love
Try ketamine
@@CO-oz1fk weed works for me
Drugs won't cure your trauma. There is no shortcut.
I am also filled with rage which is completely out of my true character. I was a shy, caring, sensitive girl who received a massive dump of neglect and emotional abuse. I sometimes can't believe what I've become.
You need to take EMDR , TRAUMA THERAPY, to get rid of from your traumatic memories.
I am the person who shuts off emotions all the time. It has become so common for me, that I curse people who render emotional support because going through silence repeatedly has now embedded in my blood that everytime someone asks me to express my feelings, I get angry and defensive and tell them that Im okay, I am a big girl and i dont need their support.
I became like this after my parents' marriage fell apart, since my mom is not qualified enough for a job, she never divorced (its a taboo in my culture) and so... they were in a forced proximity, always LITERALLY yelling at each other that if life gave them a 2nd chance they wud not even come close to even looking at each other.
The hate for each other made them tough, my mom went through a lot because she was the emotional and kind one. Dad was just... there. Sort of like a statue. And BECAUSE they realised that life is not roses, since childhood they taught me the same. They HATED ..still hate, tears. Even though both have separately cried infront of me...they tell me not to cry, when I do they get angry because being a woman, they are scared for me that if I cry, I'll become week and will get raped/murdered by the strange men outside. They dont liem tears, they dont like weekness, they dont like the emotional me.
When I was a kid, till i turned 19 , I was hit by my parents alot regularly, they had this rage inside of them (because they were living with a spouse they hated) , they used me as a punching bag. And so i eventually stopped crying, stopped feeling pain.
What an extraordinarily sad experience 😭. I'm sorry you had to go through all that and I hope you're in a better place now.
That's how I feel like being a pre dental students. I definitely cry days and nights for the adversities, but they are still much easier to handle than what my father did to me as a child.
Graduate school triggered trauma from childhood for me because I felt I was back at that time being surrounded by bullies.
Yeah you’ll find that in the work place also. I’m finding to that no one even asks about me it’s sad it’s just “how are you?” While as I actually take the time to get to know people idk maybe they think it’s weird. I’m not really afraid to get to know people though 🤷♀️ and it just seems like at school or at work people are hiding whom they really are I can’t stand it I think that’s something that gives me major anxiety. I hope you feel better it’s awful you’re crying day and night that’s tough.
@@mariahconklin4150 Lol I guess I was exaggerating with crying days and night part, but there are definitely a lot of nights I lose sleep until 3 or 4am. You sounds like an incredible empathetic person to people around you even if they don't reciprocate. I also have trouble making new friends bc it's so hard to break down that wall. I hate the anxiety to be constantly thinking what to say and do to make people feel comfortable and open up to me. I just accept it as my weak spot I guess.
daniel, i hope you never stop making these videos. i never found a more emotional intelligent, reflecting and empathetic person on the internet. thank you for your insight!
Advice like: love your children, listen to them, respect their boundaries is useless for parents who are unable to view their own behavior objectively.
They'll say they totally do these things while not doing them at all in reality.
Another way of not dealing with trauma is for one to claim they forgave their traumatizer, but in fact just avoided confronting them.
Healing is the only forgiving there is...
Absolutely most people that i know that traumatized me makes the animal inside of me to return in kind thrice, despite knowing already that the people involved were already messed up concisively in my head.
Or maybe i do hate them for making my world all about my traumas and actively running away from it, making my world small.
The way I “forgave” my abuser is giving love to myself…I don’t need to forgive them to heal. I need to grieve my trauma and grow and love myself to heal. Also- F them lol
Your calm rational breakdowns of this stuff always re-center me and remind me I'm on the right path.
Agreeed. He’s very straight to the point.
The way you described parts of oneself splitting off as a result of trauma is so accurate.
And by healing and grieving our traumas these split off parts can begin to see that there is a safe and wellcome place to come back to and stay.
Someone once recommended me a book called “feel the fear and do it anyway”. People are different, but in my case it would have been “feel the fear, do it anyway and have a complete breakdown”.
Another great video. It is so interesting how you look at things from different angles.
I've never heard this version of "children need to go through trauma to grow". Maybe some might say about adversities and difficulties that were actually traumatising, like "my parents spanked me and i came out okay". To say it so blatantly amd explicitly means the person is very split off from themselves and i think most people aren't to that level because if they'll say "trauma is healthy for a child" it will make them confront their own abuse.
That's a great point.
Thank you for drawing this distinction so well.
I have cancer and broke my arm two years ago. It never healed and i don't want surgery because my body isn't healing well right now. So i have a partially functional left arm. I am disabled. Trauma is disabling. Having cancer has been adversity. I have used it to learn and grow and love myself better. Adversity is empowering.
Many good wishes to you. I hope you heal from the cancer.
Thank you for the reminder of the past reality of a bad enough parenting style.
I think this is a thoughtful breakdown. Thank you. A question I ask myself, that I wrote with a sharpee and taped to my wall where I'll see it as I pass by is, "What is my issue?" I treat it like a gentle meditation, and it helps me to focus on what I can change.
Healthy child rearing should be taught in schools. I live in the south and come across people, especially among very poor, who believe a good parent is strict and kicks their child's ass when needed.
A new mother who constantly doted on her baby boy once told me that she was gonna beat the hell out of him when he got older and misbehaved. She was actually a kind person and was sharing that as proof of her love.
I don't know how that kind of ignorance is still so widespread but there must be a way to stop it.
I would like to talk about Stockholm syndrome which seems to be talking about the basic need for survival in society.
Stockholm Syndrome:
It refers to the bond that can develop between hostages and their captors.
Isn't becoming a hostage and a captor the basic relationship between parents and children and employers and employees in most relationships? Who is ever free?
Daniel, you are an absolute gift to the world for all those who have suffered childhood abuse. Keep up the great and honest work.
Seems to me like trauma arises more from parental rejection where adversity, from circumstances outside of the parents control. Compare a child raised in a war zone by healed and individuated parents with a child raised in a privilege to Country by unprocessed parents.
Your parents are not the only people that can give you trauma. A lot of people can do that.
I don't think anything can compare to early childhood trauma caused by parents. Healthy childhood is like a foundation of the house.
@@luckystone2293 Your parents are supposed to protect you. It's more devastating when they harm you.
Your channel is by far the best discovery I have made since I first started watching CZcams. You have provided so much clarity, validity, and insight to so many of my own perceptions that I developed prior to watching, and I finally do not feel so alone in my perception of the world and people. Thank you
I'm glad I found this man.. this is one of the only voices I can listen to and not feel like it's biased or I'll intended
My mom was evil- she tried to force me to sign emancipation forms but I told her she couldn't force me to sign them, she put me in foster care in the middle of my senior year. I hadn't been allowed in the house after school until 6pm and she made my life hell. I was so traumatized and embarrassed that I couldn't even accept help from school friends. She then destroyed my 4 year scholarship offer so she wouldn't have to compete with me. I'm 62 now, and when I got my hip replaced last year, I realized that the reason my hips were nearly pulled from their sockets was her violent manner of suddenly dragging us into place to change our diapers- caused another whirlwind of grief even at my age. I dealt with it at the time as if it were adversity, but now I see it more as trauma.
Conquered adversity makes you stronger.
Unresolved adversity potentially develops into trauma.
Unresolved trauma makes you weaker.
Healed trauma make you stronger.
A prescient summary 🤙
I've been through a lot of shit in the past two years and my family abandoned me when I was homeless. Neither of my siblings would let me stay a few weeks with them even though they have extra rooms and way better financial situations. I'm not speaking to them anymore and my sister's friend reached out to me and said they were only doing what's best for me and want me to stand on my own feet. This society is totally deranged and sick. Isn't abandoning people the antithesis of what a family is supposed to be all about? This society has a lot of solipsism.
One of the most valuable videos in CZcams. Thank you Daniel.
Unfortunately people's memories of their childhood are gonna fade even if they weren't traumatized. It's just hard to remember that far back.
I am just 22 and many memories from when I was a child and even a teen are already now fading away
Diff. between trauma and adversity. Daniel, your insights are a breath of fresh air. Your knowledge of human psychology is down to earth and realistic. You talked about grieving how it is so important to our mental growth. I am 60 years young and raising a 12 year old son. Integrating and dealing with my childhood traumas and being there for my wounded self has brought me so much presence and peace. I no longer am unconscious and can see and act clearly when my son has either an emotional setback or any other setback. I am able to keep my emotions in check when his are escalated. Since I was never allowed to show emotions, I let him show his all the time. I also see that he tries to escalate me to match his emotions by calling me names, trying to shame me, etc. I don't give in and tell him there are better ways to deal with his anger. My patience towards him hopefully shows him to have patience towards himself during these times. Lastly, I had my son late in life. I never thought about my childhood until I became a parent at 48. Is this normal? have others experienced this too?
Yes it's normal to begin confronting our childhood when we become mothers. It happened to me and several women I know.
Beware of the vital difference between allowing your child to express all his emotions in a safe way and instead allowing him to act out, which is potentially narcissistic and may harm his ability to fit in into peer groups and society as he grows up. I do recommend a book not specific for raising children, but for a detailed discussion on what achieving balanced adulthood should entail.
I adore the book, and go back to it a lot, by the way.
HOW TO BE AN ADULT by David Richo.
Warm wishes 🌺
@@Lalallalu Thank you Lal, really good points you bring up. His father is a covert narc, (my ex) and I think about that all the time. He is a good father and does not do the push/pull with our son. I often wonder too if I am raising him correctly? I am doing the right things? My emotional growth has been steady, I'm setting and protecting strong boundaries, I make clear what my expectations are and what the consequences are if he doesn't meet them. I appreciate you bringing this to my attention. Reinforcement in me with what my goals are is ALWAYS a good thing. : D It takes a village to raise a child. Love and Peace to you Lal.
Thank you so much sir for everything that you do. I'm 22, and i am really grateful for the inspiration that you give me by telling us about your self-reflection, which, i feel, arms me with tools to enhance my self-reflection and healing. Thank you.
This is such an important distinction! Thank you for your sensitivity to be able to explain this in this way!
Out of the park again, Mackler!
Thank you for explaining the word schizoid and all your thoughts are so great!
Yep, thanks man, it's a lifelong process
Thanks Daniel I love your channel and have learnt a lot from you. This video is very important. I find most people have PTSD with no memory of it. I agree we do need to grieve our emotions but what if we are in denial or numb. We have to deal with our denial and blocks to feeling our trauma first. There is a process of undoing the trauma before we can grieve. Each layer is emotional and needs to be felt to be released. I have found that first I have to deal with the denial emotionally - I don't want to deal with this trauma and get angry (without projecting it on another) about why I should have to deal with this to heal, its not fair, bash a punchbag get the anger out and within minutes I am into emotions like I am alone, I can't cope, I will go crazy if I feel this, I feel uncared for, unsupported, its hopeless, pointless, nothing changes these are all types of fears which are false beliefs that the child felt from its environment. I then start to feel cold, shake, sometimes feel sick and have bodily feelings of the emotions that were suppressed at the time. When a child feels emotions it's a whole body experience, it is not just a cognitive experience. Once fear is felt the grief of the child pours out easily. It can take minutes, hours or a few days. I have followed this process myself and it works. I know others that are following this path too that have had the same results. When I have done this process I have learnt many things about myself, self awareness, self responsibility, courage, faith, patience and that our bodies were created to release all emotions with ease. I am not religious but I believe in a creator and I long and desire that this creator/source/God help me during every part of this process and most times once I have felt the emotion I mostly remember what it was about- there are some emotions that are transgenerational or that we absorbed when we were babies that I don't remember but just feel and they release. I have been told and know the key is to just feel the next emotion that is coming up whatever it is - I hate doing this etc but not to get into any judgement about it or blame yourself as this stops the process. Trying is lying, if I am trying then I don't want to feel it and so I go back to feeling about how I really don't want to do this and feel that to its fullest and then I will drop down into the next layer usually fears about what it will mean if I feel the emotion. If I am numb, locked down I know I am in terror / afraid so I just tell myself I am afraid and feel this in my heart. I long / desire with all my heart to God and my Guides to show me what I am afraid of. and within a day usually minutes/hours I find the answer. We cannot release a childhood trauma instantly as we have suppressed it for so many years - it is a process of unfolding and it is emotional. We are like a little flower that has closed up and had no sunlight, nourishment, we cannot give or be given anything in this state we are closed but gradually as we release each layer, each leaf opens until we eventually become this beautiful flower the essence of our true nature and self. As soon as you have released your grief through this process you feel the shift and are not affected by many things that you were in the past - addictions emotional, physical or spiritual addictions that were associated with keeping this trauma suppressed - they all disappear. It is freedom on this issue - This is the process I learnt from Divine.Truth.com. I have a BSc in Psychology, trained psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and many others modalities but once I learnt to feel terror and fear I just follow this process. This is the process everyone will have to go through to fully heal, all others are treating effects and like a river that has been dammed, the river will find other pathways causing further damage until it is allowed to flow. All this information and more is given freely at Divine.Truth.com. I am not selling anything or trying to gain anything from this post only to tell people that we can heal from our traumas and lead happy and healthy lives. The soul drives everything it is emotional and dealing with any of the effects does not change what is in the soul. In psychology we call it the unconscious. I never believed in God and had reservations about the Divine Truth at first but they encourage you to experiment with this process (they explain it in far greater detail than I can) and I did and it works
Thanks, Daniel! You are an asset to youtube.
Makes me think that adversities are the final level of "Zone of proximal development" before the stress becomes too much for the organism, thus falling into trauma. As a health/strength coach it seems like an occasional "adversity" created by the coach for the client can improve self-efficacy and health, but too many start turning into a traumatic pattern that kills the motivation to keep on working on themselves.
Im still traumatised as a parent but I had made a promise to myself not to pass my problems on to my kids. Im sure Ive got things wrong along the way and Im in the process of healing.. Im going to help my kids heal too.
Such a fantastic video Daniel! 🎉 blessings 😊❤
I can't thank you enough for your videos, Daniel. You are helping me in so many ways, thank you so much!!
The earlier the trauma the more damage and difficulty there is. On the other hand, having a loving and nurturing environment in early life can instill incredible resilience in a person.
This was me. Shit didn’t hit the fan until I was 11. Then again at 22 and 27. I already told this story in the intellectualization video.
Anyway a healthy early childhood gave me the tools to change trauma into adversity.
Great stuff!
All the sh*t we receive in childhood just keeps going downhill to the next generation; and on it goes. We have probably been doing this for many, many generations. No wonder this world is mostly a pile of cr*p!
To quote John Lennon; love is what we need. LOVE your children as you would yourself!
Hi Daniel, I have a question about grieving. Not grieving in the sense of someone having died, but grieving... well, grieving all the pain itself. Is there ever an end to it? How do you know it is healthy, when it often feels stressful to the body in its intensity? I wish i could trust that it is healthy and have faith that if i let myself fully grieve and feel it all, that it will pass or that something will be released or removed from me. How can you trust that it is a healing and healthy process when it feels so painful? I hope you can do another video on this topic sometime soon and provide your latest insights and advice. And some comfort and encouragement, because I want to believe that there is a purpose for me feeling this way and that I shouldn't be afraid of it or try to avoid it. Thank you ❤
That's really good question 👍
Trauma wrecks a person s internal world. What a messed up world I have inside of me.
Thank you for making this video.
Thank you very much, Daniel, your videos help me so much! you can't even imagine how much they help me.
Sometimes I feel that I am in connection to myself, it feels like all of my past is condensed into my present moment. And this experience is pretty psychodelic in some sense.
But sometimes I feel that I am, as you say, dissociated from myself and just cant get into this state of awareness again. I try to look into myself, I really strugle, I remember some insights from my intense analysis of my past, but it just doesnt work sometimes. It just is not clicking: yes, this happened to me and that is why I do this thing today, I cant believe it but this happened. Okay.
Even in this dissociated state I am much better than before in terms of mental health, but I feel that sometimes I just cannot maintain this connection to myself.
I began this process just two weeks ago and I discovered so much about my life that it just blew my mind. Maybe you can give some
advice about how can I maintain this state and how can I be sure that I am moving in the right direction, because there is so much fear that I am just going crazy and that this all is just an illusion. Thank you very much again, you really radiate the truth which I sincerely feel
I relate to a lot of what you said here. I feel completely in touch with myself, centered, and like I know what I'm about sometimes. Then I lose it again.
I'm not sure if it's the same thing you're describing here. But I do know that living in an unhealthy environment with other dysfunctional people who aren't connected with themselves is probably making it harder for me to stabilize.
And they cant leave, usually.
One of the most interesting CZcams videos I've ever watched.
🙏 I appreciate you! Thank you for everything you do! 🙏
The way to handle adversity is to heal our historical traumas!!!!
I love you Daniel! You are doing the Lords work.
Daniel, this is an excellent video and I'm sure that you could even say more on this topic like do a continuing discussion of this topic yet what you have shared here covers many of the important aspects of discerning these issues, and I really appreciate what you have shared. Thank you very much.
Each of your videos is a valuable lesson. Thank you Daniel! ☺️❤️
A violent narcissistic older sister, a mother that never bothered, never showed love or affection and hardly ever there and an absent father are the foundations of my being, then a whole lot of shït on top until my twenties. I dont think ive ever felt love and im so bloody lonely i dont fit in anywhere, easier to shut down/off almost autistic trait to shut ut all down. Hoping the next life will be better 🙏
Beautifully said. Well done. 🙌🏽👏🏽✌🏽🫶🏽💛
Fantastic video, one of Daniel’s best, and ALL of them are amazing.
Hi Daniel, I have been financially prepping to go no contact with my mom. I feel like there are probably a lot of people (myself included) who wonder (when going no contact) if there is a certain way to do it... Or a "best" way to do it. I would love to see a video on this one day. Does one just quietly leave, or write a letter, or what? It's such a weird thing to break up with a parent. I've been taught over and over not to verbally open up to my abuser as it always ends in disaster... Which leaves me with limited options. Anyway, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your videos. This is such a taboo topic and it must be so hard to speak about it in such a public way. But this is a massive step towards change, and I have so much respect for what you're doing. Sending love. All the best to you!
The best way to go no contact is to honor the fact that you owe no one,anywhere,an explanation for taking good care of yourself!
Making sure you can provide for yourself when you go is also key,as that will enable you to make the best decisions for your own self care.
Best wishes to you ❤ from someone who successfully went no contact from my abusive family with no explanation.You cannot enlighten an abuser,no.matter.how eloquent or articulate you may be.
It's more important for you to understand what you need to thrive,than to waste time and energy explaining to people who have abused you.
Thank you! ❤️
I've had a chronic illness for the past 20 years. For me, it's been a large source of trauma and also made it harder to deal with existing trauma and other issues. However, I would guess that for a lot of people it would be more towards the adversity side of things rather than trauma.
Thanks Daniel. I'm wondering if music can help with healing. It certainly has an ability to change emotional states in an instant.
very well said Daniel. Few understand.
Thanks again, Daniel.
This is awesome for you to explain this to people!
I remember such confusing messages about being stronger due to being treated horribly.
Challenge is a good thing but life itself can be challenging and a person can choose positive challenging activities and accomplishments for healthy growth and learning like athletics, study and learning.
Abusing someone and then using the excuse that it was a good thing because it made a child stronger is insane. 😢
Many blessings ❤ Thank you for sharing your wisdom ❤
And I would like to add that you, Daniel, are wonderful. Thank you! :)
Daniel you are a freak of empowering Others you speak things wich are the best things i have ever heard
good point!
I really appreciate what you do.
Thank you for these videos Daniel
Thank you for these videos. Your insights are much appreciated. Greetings from Denmark. :-)
Always appreciate your wisdom, sir
beautiful! Love your vids, always :)
Interesting explanations 🦑 !
Thank you so so much for this sharing. It's really inspiring.
Again, a wonderful video, Daniel. Thank you very much. This helps a lot!
Great video 👏👏👏
Once again, you're right on the money Daniel. Thats an important distinction.
I'm glad you shined a light on this. I see this confusion happening because culture has perverted "approval" to somehow mean "acceptance", which I hear no one discussing. Approval merely conforms or doesn't get in the way; it is impersonal. Acceptance, on the other hand, is about _actively_ forging a sense of mutual belonging for the good of itself. It is a major distinction that seems to go entirely unnoticed, and it's a shame many activist movements seem among the most intent on assaulting the distinction between "approval" and "acceptance". I hope this changes. Thank you for continuing to make videos. I've been going through your archive a lot over many weeks and silently enjoying your content. I appreciate the work you put into it. 👍
Well articulated Daniel healing my broken parts .. now where did i put that super glue?!
YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!!!
Great explanation! Thanks!
Thank you so much!
I appreciate you ..TY
I just noticed this channel is over 100k subs now. Its about time it took off!! So glad your work will be seen by more people. Congratulations!
...but i am worried that too many subs will mean the content will change. Too often ppl get some success and change. Like dr grande or Kati Morton. Both have had ethical issues since growing
Dear Daniel, have you ever thought about how many of your views correspond to those of Carl Jung? The Self, Inner Child, How Solitude lets us connect to ourselves, dreams beeing supportive...
This idea of 'tough love' does seem to be a generational bug I've noticed, especially in more old-fashioned families. I came from a similar background and at the age of 26 I have noticed how it shaped me, and how it created so many problems in my life.
To others who are going through this, focus on yourself even though you were taught that was wrong. Focus on your healing so you can heal others, and become the cycle breaker. Unlike the un-integrated older generations, you have the choice to become strong and end what they couldn't.
Your excellent arguments here are quite reassuring as they're clearly an effective quietus to the misguided rationalisations of perpetrators. In the court of reason, you win. It may not change a perpetrator's mind today but good arguments tend to withstand the passage of time.
Friendly nudge to do some writing & publishing. You are doing important work. 👍
If you really got over trauma, you would naturally seek to spare others. To wish for the same trauma upon any others, much less inflict it upon others, is a dead giveaway of the fact that your own is unresolved.
It’s so important to speak correctly and know what you mean and follow semantic logic.
What's the difference between something awesome and something awful (awe-full)? Some level of disrupt, surprise, agitation is healthy for us as it's in a growth zone, but too much puts a person beyond their capacities to integrate as it's in the danger zone.
🌹
It's like with strength. You know how they say in emergencies you can lift a car up.... Well, that's not going to make you stronger. You're likely to mess up your back from that one effort.
But on the other hand, if you train your back muscles with appropriate weights, regularly -- then you will have a strong healthy back.
👍
Your videos are extremely therapeutic. Thank you!
Please consider uploading a video regarding the political climate nowadays and how that affects our behavioral health 🙏🏻 Please.