Childhood Trauma And Damaged Sense of Identity
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- čas přidán 12. 09. 2023
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Attentive parents nurture their children's interests, and reflect back positively on a child's unique personality and interests. If you were neglected in childhood, you may be living with a damaged or limited sense of identity. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who has trouble knowing who she is and what she wants in her life. Hear my suggestions for becoming fully herself, and allowing her life to blossom.
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I watched Quiet Girl last night b/c I trust you; it was excellent!!!
Thank you for being here for all of us- you are a force of positivity ❤.
Also doing BLE because of trust in you- it’s awesome!
Your Daily Practice has changed my life and is filled with surprises; I have a special notebook for‘meditation notes’- little nuggets that appear like magic during my 20- minute meditation. Then, I watch you on CZcams as an ‘appointment with my own personal therapist’- you always inspire and help with your kindness and understanding.
THANK YOU, Anna, for creating this channel and for sharing your gifts and wisdom!
You are the strong supporter we all need (and never had).
I’m sure Anna will want to read this. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Nika@TeamFairy
I watched it yesterday! I did cry because the girl looked like me and I’m part Irish. ☘️ My home life wasn’t easy either and I loved going to my grandparents house every summer. I remember riding my bike in the small town and feeling so free. I think they did have pity on me too.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairycoming from a truth teller which was a term that I didn’t know of until I watched her about 2 years ago she has helped me overcome a lot of trauma and grow. I’m thankful. And talking about the trauma less is gold. Love the journaling techniques as well for disassociation. Slowly pulling my life back together and helping others learn also. I love you. And I wish you more happiness. ❤
😢this reminds me of my childhood a little
I just started the video so maybe she mentions it but just in case she doesn't - what is BLE?
At 57, I still wake up every day and wonder...when is my life going to start?
Let it be today . Life is so short please let it be todays. You are worth it.
🙏🏽
Sad isn't it?? 😭 but You can fix yourself to a large degree. II did. When I hear my mother's voice now I feel nothing bad. It's just another voice. I don't react to her crappy talk anymore. I still feel lousy a lot and sad, but the feelings are far off in the distance. I chose to indulge in pity for myself less and less. Sometimes I say to myself, where is it going to get me, why bother, or I don't have the time, etc. I'll never get my whole life back, none of us will. But the mass hurt and anxiety is gone. Every comvo with my mother is still a verbal chesse game and I have to stay on top of it every minute so I can tell when she's crossed my line and it's time to hang up. I started with watching videos, Carter and the Indian lady (so sorry can't remember her name, but she Lived our life-narcissistic abuse victim.) Then I did grey rock for a couple years. Now I'm in mostly full control of the convo's with her and of my life. 👍 There is so much less anxiety and confusion😊😊😊
At 60, I do the same thing still.
Ahw.. I understand. Trauma makes you stuck in time and no agent of your own life. It’s absolutely horrible. You sit by as your passes by. I hope you will manage to take hold of your life, identity, narrative and time ❤
The lack of awarwness from parents who screwed up your childhood is doubly frustrating because not only will they never allow themselves to grasp how harmful they were, their narrative is almost always that you were and remain the problem.
It's very hard to live with that and stop believing them.
When you call them on their behavior they whip out that ever handy victim card and then reach into their exhaustive stack of guilt trip tickets and hand you one. No win.
I FELT this 😢
I was hard to love
I agree. I remember before my mom passed, I asked her about our childhood, couldn't she see the damage being done to us when we were kids? Like did she ever think to protect us in some way, or help us? She said she didn't agree with what our dad did to us, but she literally said, well... I thought that since you were kids, you'd just grow up and forget about it. 😮 I was ASTOUNDED with her answer. And that was the sum total of her thoughts on the subject. Kids are resilient. They'll grow up and get over it (like magic) as soon as they became adults. Wow.
I went completely no contact at 56 years old. I should have done it many years ago and saved myself a lot of heartache.😪
I'm a therapist and I don't think you have to be a therapist to get it. The more people that understand CPTSD and giving good advice is very important. CPTSD is so crippling at times. Using your healing to help others is a blessing.
Would you recommend any journaling prompt book for healing?
I think, legally she has to say that. Or CZcams wants you to upload your credentials. I'm a retired nurse after 20 year practice. So they don't recognize that I have legitimate medical and nursing knowledge, because my license isn't currently active.
When she said she cut her family off and breathed sigh a serious relief. I’m glad they’re out of your life, ma’am. Don’t go back.
Thanks for sharing your encouragement! Julie@TeamFairy
It's a kind of curse...those 2 people who were supposed to be your real life support throughout your life... become the very person that you struggle to get away.... Double loss without any gains
@@SKtheFighter-xv1hp
It's brutal
To this sad woman out there (she might read it): I'm a journalist and a blogger in my country (English is not my native language), and I can say with confidence that her letter and wording literally brought tears into my eyes. Outstanding writings skills, hands down. On the second note: I'm 50, having had a bit different but still similar identity problems. I went to therapy and am doing yoga, but besides that I started my healing with tiny little things. I love scents, I went to a perfume shop every 3-4 days, and tried the new releases and then looked them up on the net, figuring out the notes, educating myself on perfumery a bit. Can't tell you how much joy that brought. Then I started to go to the cinema to see a movie alone, I loved that, too. Tiny, little things. After a while as if a floodgate had been opened inside me: started to feel happy, out of the blue. Good luck to everybody on their way to healing.
Happy for you!
Judith! I see you! I'm a fellow fragrantica fan. Started doing this (using my own perfumes) when my cousin passed away in 2017, it helped to take my mind off the grief. I use this technique still today and it has helped me through so much. It sounds like such a little thing, but finding a new passion that helps to bring our minds away from the pain is huge. It started a few weeks after the loss when I wasn't finding joy in literally anything anymore, and one day at work as I walked down the aisle, I caught a whiff of my own perfume. It was beautiful and for that short moment, I was pulled away from my grief. I couldn't wait for my break to sit with my coffee and look up my perfume to read the notes and reviews. To this day it is still my favourite perfume and I now own a huge collection. My father recently passed away and searching/researching perfume has helped me tremendously. I do find joy in it and though it will never bring my loved ones back, I know for a few moments, I can step away from the intense pain.
@@Bomber411I'm sorry about the loss of your father.
Fellow perfume lover from across the pond.
If you happen to know a scent that REALLY smells like a forest then I'd love to know 😃
This spoke volumes to me. Just turned 59. In my healing journey now. Unfortunately, I am now the caretaker of my abuser due to financial reasons while I am the disabled (not favorite, but "planned") child. I was overfunctioning for the first half century of my life - except was physically not able to work a full 40 hours the last 20 years. 2020 changed everything. Hearing impaired my entire life with an undiagnosed childhood arthritic autoummune disorder on top of cptsd finally stopped me from being "forced society normalized". I was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis a couple years after giving birth. Essential oils, their scents I live in! I love making my own scents & lotions. Been journaling (not daily as I aged) since April 1979. Read '79 & '80 - processing my teen years, starting HS. My son believes I have ADHD / ASD undiagnosed as a child based on my behaviors. His dad, my ex, has ADHD. Reading and watching these channels resonate & helping me heal.
@@neva.2764 Try Florabotanica from Balenciaga. :)
“It’s your time on earth as much as anyone else’s.” Wow, such a powerful and affirming statement ❗️Trauma survivors need to hear and accept this truth. Thank you ❤️🙏
Thank you for watching. Glad you're here.
Nika@TeamFairy
When people ask 'what do you want to do, who are you', I have no answer.
Sonia’s story illustrates how overly doting misogynist mothers can create narcissistic men like Sonia’s brother.
Keep writing, Sonia! It’s what’s saving me from my crappy childhood. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Anna Runkle. You made a HUGE contribution to the world. God bless you. ❤
Exactly. Men who think they're God's gift to the world.
@@ASMRyouVEGANyet Well to be fair, plenty of women think that about themselves too, but yes.
So glad she cut ties with them.
@@Arete1977yeah it's not a gender war. We're both the same...
My mom never said anything uplifting or gave me any compliments when I was little. She will say nice things about other kids in front of me but never heard anything nice from her.
I grew up doubting myself and with extremely low self esteem😢
That sounds hard. You're in the right place now and we're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Yeah me too. I’d fish for compliments and she’d never take the effing hint, which made me feel worse
Your mom was probably jealous of you. ❤
I hear you. I screwed up my courage one day when I was in high school, in the ‘70’s, and asked my Mim why she never complimented me or my 3 siblings? She said that was for other people to do. I think her inference was that it wouldn’t mean anything if THEY did, but other people saying things had more weight. Yet she and my Dad’s criticisms and snarky comments had the same weight as other peoples criticisms and comments. Which she and my Dad were quite free with.
OMG Anna, I’m a man of 61 but I’ve felt this way most of my adult life! Bad parenting is a universal.
Me too
I went to treatment 2019 for alcohol. My handler wrote a letter to my social worker and it sayed that i didnt have an identity. Lots of personalitys but no identity of my own. That broke me completly. Because it was more than true.
💛. my social worker told me I had no identity, but cz she had the shakes, kept tryna get me to take meds, etc, I didnt believe her. With other people i feel safe 😂( to express myself) and i see a symptom of trauma as retreating into yself to people-please, that's takin a while to train self outa.)
Lots of merry wishes 😊
❤🫂🙏
Yes I was the same way. Lacked sense of self a sense of identity. Not uncommon for people with alcohol problems or other drug and substance abuse problems. For me I took a lot of psychotropic drugs. It all covered up a fractured, absent, divided self.
@@lilafeldman8630 yeah, i say that my soul was a mirror that they slamed in the ground. I was shatterd completly...
I wish I could send you big hugs..
I Just realise how big our chilhood traumatised community is. We are not alone. By sharing our pain and emptyness we grow into beautiful humans. So much to give, so much to share. Thank you all❤
This reminds me of my parent, beloved by everyone, but made sure his daughter knew she would never be good enough. My brother is a convicted felon and still somehow holds the golden child position. The two of them have come to my home and belittled me for years for holidays, etc.. When I ran a Marathon, I thought my father would finally be impressed with something I did, but he had told me that the week before a man broke the marathon record by running it in under two hours, totally just diminishing the accomplishment. You just realize nothing will ever be good enough and yet the brother who beat you up through childhood, who they put through school and had such high hopes for has a menial job while anything I do is diminished as something lots of people can do. It never leaves you. I don’t even talk to them anymore, but it never leaves you.
But running a marathon to completion is a big deal, especially if it's your first. I'm proud of you. Your hard work deserves praise because it can inspire others if you find enjoyment in it.
@@OmeroPerez hi I just saw that there was a reply. I honestly don’t even remember writing this comment. But it is something that makes me sad, reading your comment, validating my accomplishment just made me cry. Thank you so much.!!! it was a big deal. It was awesome.❤️
I don't know you, but I am so proud of you! Running a marathon is amazing 👏 it is such an achievement, and I totally understand what it's like to be ignored like that. My brother does nothing and gets adored. It's nothing got to do with who you are, I just learnt to validate and love myself and accept that I was never going to get it from my family. 😢it's very difficult, but once I started working on myself, things began to change in my life, and I felt better and stronger. Keep going 💪 you are stronger than you think 😊
@@danielles4476 be proud of your hard work and finishing a marathon. That is a big deal! Time to limit contact. I wouldn't do holidays.
This is why I VEHEMENTLY argue against the whole "Parents only do the best they can" defense.
"...only do the best they can"? REALLY???
When parents are neglectful and abusive and cause the damage to their children that they do, they call that the "best" they can do?
When parents refuse to see what damage they cause their kids, that's their "best"?
No...ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! It was NOT their best, and we need to stop giving them cover for that. They didn't do their work to do better. They REFUSED to take accountability for their actions, and many of them are facing the consequences of that. Period, end of story.
Thank you for making this point.
Exactly.
I’m so curious…Are you talking about your parents? If so, have you gone on and had children?
Very well said.
Nobody told or showed you you mattered. No wonder you don't know what you want.
You matter. You deserve better. Keep trying to find your bliss. It will come. You deserve happiness in this lifetime. 💓
Your support is so much appreciated. I know it will help our letter-writer. Julie@TeamFairy
❤
Sonja won the lottery - she’s a powerful storyteller and beautiful writer! She needs to leverage that God given skill.
I prayed to God when I was in my mid thirties about my identity. He's been answering that prayer ever since.
Can relatate to what she went through. Not being valued, and mom preferring my brother. Because of his polio at age two, around time I was born; left my mom devastated and with her energy focused on my brother, her priority. I can see how this played out. My father, not much a family man, worked and spent time socializing with friends. But I always felt like the black sheep, found my own way outside the home, with my friends and whoever gave me the slightest bit of attention. Leading to some bad decisions in selecting partners, and not setting boundaries.
So many people here can understand. Glad you are here now and thanks for watching.
If you wanted to work on healing with us, a great tool is Daily Practice. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Julie@TeamFairy
I was the eldest daughter, 2 of my 3 siblings needed more attention, due to Haemophilia, and Down's. My grandmother meanwhile had several chronic conditions, plus encroaching dementia, and so I was mum's deputy caregiver, as required. Dad expected me to excel at everything, I rebelled by getting married far too young, and have pinballed my way through life ever since. It's only in the last few years, since my kids have grown up and moved out, that I have lived alone and really taken the time to work out who I am underneath.
The writing contest really connected with me. I became an amateur writer in my 40's but i always had the talent in me.
I too won a contest in the 70's. It was a big contest for free tickets to the King Tut exhibition. The first time the treasures were going on tour.
I told my father and instead of congratulations it was "Hell no, you're not going."
A little background. My father NEVER let us girls go anywhere and we had no friends except each other.
I cried and was crushed. The only reason i got to go was because a teacher called not understanding why i wasn't allowed to go. My dad of course was too embarrassed to explain why. He knew it was a power play and knew he couldn't fool my teacher because there was no way to articulate a good reason.
Nevertheless i feel my life would have been a lot different had i been encouraged. Hell i even tested at the college level in grade school for English literature and comprehension. It leaves a bitter taste to this day.
You deserved a parent who would take you to the Tut exhibit. 🎉❤ I hope you eventually took yourself to the museum once you were grown. ❤
@@mommalion7028 I went on the field trip. In my post I mention my teacher who refused to accept me declining my award. She said she didn't think my father had all the facts and volunteered to call him. I was of course scared for her. But of course my father turned on the charm and she was able to convince him I would be "safe".
I'm sorry to hear that. You're in the right place and we're all here to support you. -Calista@TeamFairy
This broke me heart, like she had no safe harbor.
I’m sure lots of us are relating to this story & to maybe feeling too old, I’m 57 & have been thinking I’m done 🙁
You may still have 30 years!
In my forties. Managed to waste 42 years and still don't know where the time went or what things were happening for. Deadly trap.
I wanted to let you know as a trauma therapist, what you’re doing is amazing.
I stopped dead in my step when you said the first few sentences about neglect and identity. Both me and my sibling are in our 40s and our parents could not have cared less about who we were and are, growing up and now. They have never asked. They just used to laugh like it was ridiculous to have ambitions. Me and my sibling both moved out at age 16, but are very well adjusted as adults but permanently feeling lost, moving jobs, country, relationship and interests constantly. My parents love to brag to their friends that it’s their parenting that made us so independent 😮
Classic gen x. Are there gen x support groups online? I am not gen x but its a common theme with your generation.
Even a millennial who has gen x siblings growing up in the same house will take on gen x similarities due to upbringing and sibling relationships. Latchkey i heard as a description.
Sonja's story just made me realise that i made the right choice leaving my husband while my son is still small... He is turning 3 and i would rather he forget the couple of months we went through but if he remembers . i will talk to him about it. Thank you Sonja i hope you heal!
Glad you are here now, and thank you for sharing your encouragement! Julie@TeamFairy
Dearest Sonya (sp) I am 58 and not only do I hear you but I FEEL you in my heart and soul. I have lived some of your experiences as well. I don’t have any answers for you. Just a hug from one childhood trauma survivor to another. And remember that. To be here today, you are THE Survivor. Hugs to you 🥰
As the next-to-last child of eleven this is huge. I have a very hard time with choices because I never felt that I had any options. Now it’s really hard to say, “I really WANT this”, and I resent anyone asking me “are you sure?” Or “why that?”
I’m just now learning to choose what matters to me.
Yes, no identity accept with animals, when my body and mind was manageable. Sonya, I appreciate how you described the lack of identity. I am staring at a wall of junk wishing I could wiggle my nose and make my world organized free and beautiful. Keep trying and I bet you have a whole new beautiful life ahead. Thanks for noticing me Anna, your likes boosted my day enough to go out with the dog. I thank you all for sharing and making my life less lonely.
Thank you for sharing! We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Animals are simple. If they like you, they'll show it. If they don't like you, they'll let you know.
I think I need a dog- I don’t fit anywhere not for lack of trying! Thanks for sharing the inner you!
@@MaryEllenFauldsand a cat!!!
This letter was written for me! Almost 50 and I feel like my life is over. The ONLY thing that keeps me going is my daughter...Horrible childhood, prioritzed sibling, left to hurt and protect myself. I wish I could give the woman who wrote it a big hug because I understand. Wherever she is I hope she's found herself, her purpose and a brighter future ❤
Thank you for watching and for sharing your encouragement for the letter-writer!
Nika@TeamFairy
I'm 51 and feel the same way....
I grew up hearing "you are what i tell you to be because i'm the parent and you're the child" then when i hit 18, "what you gonna do with your life?" Needless to say i had no idea and still have no direction. There are so many things that i'd love to be doing but money is and always has been a major barrier. Most of the things i'm passionate about require a lot of schooling to be able to do and i just don't have access to the money i'd need to complete that schooling.
Decide to take the student loans and pursue your dreams or admit to yourself that it isn't that important to you. If you feel your monetary constraints are absolute, only research careers that require short training or internships.
If you can afford to work part time you can go to community college very affordable and then transfer to a 4 years state university. You'll probably have to take out loans but they can be paid off in a few years by cutting all unnecessary spending. I don't know how old you are and realistically I think there is ageism but don't give up on yourself. Also choose a major and degree that allows you earn money immediately upon graduating. Underwater basket weaving probably isn't the best choice. Computer sciences, nursing, something. Just start at community college. You'll declare a major based on your strengths and hopefully not a negative self image.
Sonja....my heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry. :( And I'm SO PROUD of you for walking away from your horrible mom and brother-I've been in toxic relationships and know how hard that is to do, and can only imagine how hard with the relationships being immediate family. Sonja, I hope you learn to like and love and appreciate yourself-you sound amazing and hopefully you soon realize that for yourself.
Anna, I am so so glad you read this letter to help Sonja; and I do hope it really helps her.
Blessings to all!
Thanks for offering the letter-writing encouragement.
Nika@TeamFairy
Sonia, fellow Brit here, of a similar age and similar experiences. You're not alone; things can, and do, change for the better.
Part of not knowing who you are comes from the current, everyday exhaustion of earning a living and trying to make ends meet doing a random job which doesn't 'fit'. That nagging yearning to do something else, but what? makes it worse.
If I can offer a few suggestions, it's simply: Keep small 'anchors' reminders, close to you: a paragraph from your favourite play in your purse. Keep a beautiful pebble, for example, in your handbag, and 'charge' it with great memories. Look at them frequently and recall those warm wonderful feelings.
I also used Instagram to browse and reawaken interests long forgotten. I saved pictures to create a kind of mood board. I just relaxed, let my mind wander, then searched. Calming and stimulating at the same time.
I'm still healing. It can not be rushed and it is not linear. I've found that by revisiting childhood interests, I've been able to reclaim bits of myself.
My focus is now less on feeling erased and more on erasing others so that I can see myself and be seen in the past more clearly. Those childhood interests gave me agency. I think healing enables us to bring forward that agency and cultivate it in the present, and piece by piece it can create stepping stones into the future.
You are going to get there ❤
This is me. I'm boring. No hobbies. I was never praised, encouraged, nor directed by my parents. Never taught boundaries, never helped with school work. My mother will tell me to do something, but never showed my how to do it. I'm 72 and if I wasn't involved with my church, I'd really be in trouble.
Trauma-driven thinking can be discouraging. But never forget: Healing is possible! If you haven't already, try Anna's Daily Practice. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
Man…I’m 37 and feeling like this writer. How she says she believes her life is over, she’s going through the motions and just doing it for her child.
I'm at the same point in life. Also 37, just keep going in a daily routine. Keep going for my 8yo, trying to hold on and do better. I never take a holiday for myself and wonder if life is ever gonna be different anymore 😢
This resonates with me so much! My mother was a narcissist, bipolar, and had been abused as a child. My father had been abused, neglected, and rejected in childhood. Their relationship was volatile, but my mother was the one prone to violence. When I was in fifth grade, I won a writing contest. I auditioned for a play one summer and was cast. Doing musical theatre quite literally saved my life. But I’ve always felt like a chameleon, never knowing who I was. I still don’t, and I’m 66. But I’m working on finding myself, healing from the verbal, psychological, and physical abuse, and trying find purpose, meaning and joy. Most of my work is done by writing. I worked as a technical writer and have always wanted to take a stab at writing fiction. I have one friend who is a well-respected and lauded author. I have other friends who are published and also great authors. I feel intimidated by their success just like I felt I’d let everyone down when I didn’t “make it” in theatre. I always have to prove my worth. Because of all this I feel for the author so much and wish “Sonya” healing and happiness.
You are worthy because you are here! I resonated with your story. Just write! You’ll write like no other person and that’s a gift. Best wishes as you work your recovery path❤
You sound like me! I'm mid 60s, and I "hid" my singing for many years, because my older sister needs to stab into anything I'm accomplishing! I did some performing in my late 20s, 30s to early 40s, but had long disaster w son's dad. Terrible story. Still fighting to have a decent life.
U can do this! U can write! I'm sure of it! I just am.
I am half your age (I am 31) coming from similar background and its great to see other creative writers here. I love writing and been doing it ever since was able to put words in rhyming phrases. I even told someone in my family that I want to be a poet/writer, at 8yrs old. But the response was that "it wont make money". So I spent my whole life doing things that do make money - from sex work to professional gambling. But I always wrote, always saw my life through a story and chracter development. I always have several projects at hand.
After a life long battle with addictive habits, I mostly struggle with consistency and procrastination. But writing makes me feel alive. And oh, I have made all kinds of money with it - but to me most important is having an ability to connect with the world and present myself through it, share my story and put it out there. ❤
Wow, that’s almost my story word for word. Bless you. Thanks for speaking out. ❤
I tackle the identity problem by writing a little book with things trustworthy people said about me. You can either ask them directly for feedback or just collect comments over time. I started last year and by now identity seems like a minor blindspot. I guess identity has also to do with self-trust: sometimes we know exactly what "our thing" is, but we are too scared to do it. Thus, we don't live that self-realization moment. And there again, it is helpful to make a list with all of our smallest successes, to help us pursue our goals.
Great idea! Sounds like you have tackled this systematically which is so impressive. And you're gaining some great insights, such as so many of us being scared to really use our gifts.
You also sound like you might like Daily Practice, Anna's free tool & course. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Julie@TeamFairy
Thank you for this.. I don't really have identity issues but self-trust has been a big one for me. Your suggestion seems like a great tool to add to list of things to do to help me on my healing journey.
"sometimes we know exactly what "our thing" is, but we are too scared to do it." Bingo!
Thanks a lot @@CrappyChildhoodFairy for your kind words. I have been doing the daily practice and it really is a game changer. For me it was the ultimate help after 5 years of therapy with little progress. Thanks for everything you do.
OH THANK YOU...GREAT idea...
I thought they were just being nice...
I was embarrassed because I NEVER got love or interest or approval from my own "mother".
Sometimes they would cry...
they always hugged me and told me they loved me...
But it NEVER registered in my savagely abused brain.
I HAVE to do this!
O.o I didn't have nearly such a horrible experience but I relate sooo much to the sentiments of being lost without identity or hopes and dreams, and feeling exhausted and she puts it so devastatingly well into words
Thanks for your supportive comment! Julie@TeamFairy
She is really a good writer huh?
THis letter made me cry so hopelessly until I was out of breath. Then, I dried my tears, stood up, and lived.
You got this!
Nika@TeamFairy
Haven't even listened yet - but this title is exactly what I'm finding out. I'm downsizing and decluttering, and it's a joy and a mystery, and foundation shaking to discover what I* actually like, what items hold a memory that isn't great even though my family thought it was great, what My personal priorities really focus on. I am constantly amazed at how thoroughly I hid myself even from myself.
Now I'll go listen, lol! 😂
Just watched the video and I think its one of the best ones yet. 👍👍👍
I hear you, and I can relate.
Love your profile name. Mmm garlic!
Not downsizing, but I've been housesitting for a friend while they're on holiday - it's the last day, and when I go home I'm planning to do the exact same thing. I have tons of stuff just piled up in those recycled plastic bags from the supermarket and it's beyond ridiculous how much stuff I'm hoarding, and shamefully still adding to.
@@keithstoeckle7350love
@@ShintogaDeathAngel😅😅
Her story absolutely broke my heart. I’m so sorry she had to go through this. Wishing lots of healing & happiness for her ❤
Thanks for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Imagine how many evil and/or shitty things are done to people because of sons being favored due to misogyny…It always creates monsters fr.
What I've recently realized is that I want what I've always wanted. Who I am was always there tapping me on the shoulder, but when you're trauma bonded your focus isn't on yourself, but on the abuser. You wander off for long years trying to fix what's wrong, but everything is right where you left it. I'm trying to find the courage to pick them up again and not care what others might think of it.
Sonya, I felt this so much. I'm a scapegoat child looked on with contempt by parents and siblings, in a deep freeze for years now after having my life threatened and a smear campaign in my tiny community. Lately, I've been doing yoga. I order vids from my library but I've had some training so know the basic postures. I do a 20-min. gentle video when I wake up (I tried to do more in the a.m. but I'm too eager to get to the coffee, which comes afterward), and a more intense, 40-min. video before a shower and bed in the evening. I have been feeling much more poised and strong inside and out, and even had a revelation during shivasana (the final, resting pose in yoga) about what I could do that would combine my interests with serving others. I'm still struggling with showing up at the desk to work on that - too many self-doubts in my head, but I've decided that nothing messes with the yoga. That is MY time for healing. Even the cat knows not to interrupt me (because he will be ignored or gently but firmly escorted outside.) I figure that as long as I keep showing up for myself there, and healing from the inside out, the rest will come. It's been great for my nervous system (would be even better if I quit caffeine). I hope you find something like this that helps you start to "thaw." Small steps are good, like Anna's suggestion of resuming acting classes and, as inspiration, there are many people who get into commercials and movies in later life. If you got it, you got it, babe! Best of luck with everything and thank you for sharing your story. 💖
You are not alone- glad you survived
Lol! Good idea. My cat doesn't like to be picked up so that would be effective.@@elipotter369
So glad she finally went "no contact" Such abuse that NO ONE deserves!! Sending hugs for continued healing. ❤❤❤
Thank you for your kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
So much of Sonia’s experiences ring familiar to me. I’m in my 50s, I’m barely able to function, I have had a heavy sadness for my whole life. I had lots of intermittent reinforcement - investment in sticking it out with parents who were horrible to each other. My mother was also charming in company, still is. And she continues to make my life hell because now she relies on me and expects me to be there for her when she was never there for me.
It’s a gift to hear Anna’s validation and caring nature. “What matters is the consequences of the parents’ behaviours. What is holding us back from fully enjoying life?”
“Your life is your life. Don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission. The gods wait to delight in you.”
poet Charles Bukowski 🌙
This is so very similar to my childhood. I have never heard such a similar story. I’m grieving no contact with my mom today. Great video ❤
I'm so glad you found the video! We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Totally get this letter from Sonia, Much of the devastation of abuse is subtle, emotional, and cleverly mentally destabilizing. I'm 60 and still dealing with so much that rings true on just a few episodes I've watched here. I've suffered great anxiety that morphed into auto immune disorders.
I was listening to this whilst at the the supermarket. I had to stop short and continue when I got home as it was making me cry so much. Such a sad story. I could relate to a lot of it re the cold cruel mother. I hope this lady finds joy and peace in her life. Me too, and everyone here.
This is the first time I’ve heard someone feels as I do, Inot knowing who I am, want’s or ambition. I’ve felt scared, unsafe all of my life. I now realise I have CTSD! I’m 69 my world has always been small. I’m so tired of struggling
I am sorry to hear that
"Even if she didn't feel able to leave him on her own account, why didn't she leave him to protect us kids". YES. A million times yes.
This is the basis of my problem with my mom. I dont give a 💩 about my abusive father and I lost the last of the respect I had for my mom after I had kids. I had gained too much perspective to be able to put up with her b.s. I don't understand how anyone can sit by while their kids are being traumatized.
Heavy Burdens as children is what tires us out as adults 😢
Powerful. It explains the universal black hole that is continually draining as life progresses despite all other attempts at fulfillment.
Don't give up friend, ❤️
YES!! So tragic😓 Whatever or whoever tried to take us down, loses their ability to damage us when we wake up to our own power to shake them off. Not easy but a must. Shifting from not worthy to increadebly worthy! Available thankfully inside us always.
Oh boy oh boy oh boy. No kidding... all I ever wanted was approval and even now, knowing so much about my circumstances and having better awareness... I still notice that I do things (especially things I don't want to do) just to get parental approval. I'm late 50s too! And the lottery thing? Same same. I have found something I love but (maybe due to age discrimination) I have never managed to get a permanent job in it, despite being super qualified. Sigh. Thanks for this, Anna.
So glad you're here watching with us.
Nika@TeamFairy
Could you start your own business doing that thing that you love and for which you are highly qualified?
@@dawnkikong637 thank you! A kind comment but I've got a PhD and I love teaching, so not really?
Pardon me if I push my nose in a little further, lol, but I'll bet there will be a need for quality teachers online (design your own curriculum?) with all of the lockdown stuff that's been going on. Many parents are frustrated with politics in schools, too. Anyway, just a thought. You know best what you need. Best of luck with whatever it is! @@gobears6487
this letter is heartbreaking. Thank you for helping her work out this unjust treatment.
I always go to write a comment and stop with the fear of being judged, but thank you for your videos i know now at 34 i have cptsd, and i do get so much from all the stories, i dont have a great support system or health insurance so you are like my thearapist ❤ meg
I'm so glad the channel has been helpful! Thank you for taking the time to comment, I'll make sure Anna reads this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I can relate to what Sonja went through all too well. My mom left when I was 18 months and my dad started to molest me from age 2. He remarried when I was 5, my step mother caught him and blamed me and started beating me for it. She became a violent alcoholic for years. When my little brother came along, he never got beaten or yelled at. (and yes he kinda turned out a narcissist) She doted on him, and I was the red headed step child. My dad continued to molest me until I learned to tell him no at 16, memories are still coming back since he died, and I am in my 50's now. I have been living in survival mode more or less since a child. I am sure that I have some sense of identity to discover, absolutely. I love your channel here, Anna, it has helped me so much. I signed up for the relationship course you do, although I have not started it yet. For some reason I am chicken. (safer in my cave I suppose). But thank you for helping us on the path to healing.
We're all sending you encouragement! You got this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Your dad should be sitting in jail for what he did to you
@@zohraabbiss2738 that’s something I’m trying to wrap my head around… other family members just protected him instead of me.
@@zohraabbiss2738He's dead.
I was so sad to read your story and am sorry you went through that.
ive never known who I was. ive had different genders, sexualities, and animal kin identities since I was 4/5 years old. I went through a transgender phase, hating my femininity, and hold tightly onto nonhuman identities because I don't feel human anymore. ive asked quite a lot "who am I?" My older sibling was favorited. he has more support. his bad behaviors were enabled. I never had support.
🙏
Patrick Teahan has a really good video that helped me unfreeze a lot - “How to get out of survival mode.”
It’s actually really crazy how all those emotions and feelings are stored in your body, and allowing them to release makes you so much lighter.
It is heartbreaking to relate to so many stories. I hate that so many people have had to feel the same things. My childhood was very similar except my mom hated me. She would even tell people she was intentionally trying to hurt me. I much preferred the physical abuse. My sister (I typed daughter first) was born when I was a little over 5. I pretty much raised her. She lived a complete different life because they didn’t hate her and I was pretty good at keeping the bad stuff on me. My sister is the first person I can go to invalidate everything, pretty much my existence. I can of course go to my dad or my mother (I hate calling her that) for invalidation too. My dads grown some and just the other day he validated some of it for the first time in my life, I’m 42, when I’m pretty sure he was scared I might not survive the day. That woman still tried to goes out of her way to hurt me she has even started trying to do it through my daughter who has now realized what her grandmother is and is struggling. It’s a mess. I’m a mess. I’m trying to get away I think I’m just going to live in my vehicle and do it. I used to be very close with my sister, but over the years it just seems we live in two completely different realities. I have no relationships beyond my daughter. I still can’t figure out building one with myself. I know the things they make sense I can say them to other people and help them but I feel no worth. When I interact with the world and other people (which is very rare) it feels like the consensus is I have no worth. I don’t feel like I did anything to deserve all this but it feels like it make sense. Like I may as well stop fighting it. All I ever wanted was a dog and I got one. She was my soul mate and the only living thing that ever loved me unconditionally. Very unfair things happened and I had to make the choice to put her down last summer. I think the last of what can break in me did the last heartbeat I felt from her and I can’t even pretend to see a future at this point. It feels very terminal. That I’ve been fighting a pointless battle all my life for nothing. I feel like a burden unwelcome on this planet. Rents doubling so it doesn’t make sense to rent anymore last year may have been the last garden I’ll ever have in my life. It took me a lifetime to find something I enjoyed and loved so it just feels like I’ve lost everything. When people are dying of illnesses we are used to there’s compassion and understanding. When it’s mental health I’m selfish. I hate sharing this because I don’t want to make anyone sad but I have a feeling there are a lot of people that can relate. It’s m so very sorry if you are relating to this
my parents both lost their same sex parent at an early age so lacked a suitable role model to be a parent. They were distant and inattentive to me, I grew up mostly alone, and I remember my mother telling me "you can be whatever you want to be" - and I felt "any suggestions - a little help?" My 63yo boss later said "I'll know what I want to do when I grow up" - I felt like that.
Omg i can't believe how this poor woman was treated y her mother andfather I am so very sorry.
Irene Lyon is excellent. The SBSM course is expensive and a lot of information to take in, but I'm slowly working my way through the programme. I'm in the UK. I'm 50. I have developmental trauma. I can relate to the title a lot.
I've just resided myself to a life of, one day at a time. I'm just here and I'm okay with that.
Broken by 8yo a lack of self identity became a major issue. Its hard to move foward when the direction changes depending on which "me" i currently am. Recently at 50yo plus, i finally got to dealing with this lack of identity. The lack of any semblance of a "self". Being around people determines the person i am by what they expect. This causes many many issues. Being alone used to leave me rolling in my head bombsrded by a storm of emotions and memories. Madness! So i always stayed with others whenever i could and was stable enough to do so. But now, after a lifetime of healing, solitude no longer leaves me in a psychotic break. To streangthen your Self, you must be alone. Focus on your future, your dreams, your goals, your feelings ... But a semblance of Self must be found before this is possible, otherwise you ride an emotion storm of pain and anger, only to run to the safety of civilization and the familiar roles your forced to play depending completely on the imediate environment
I hear you. Practicing alone helps you connect with yourself. Part of the practice that will lead you to your inner self is the Daily Practice course. It's a technique that can help sort through things that feel confusing. You can try it free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
Sonia, You have a gift in how you articulate a story. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. You deserved better. You are not alone 💜 Sending healing and love. God bless
Thank you for sharing your support and encouragement for the letter-writer! Julie@TeamFairy
I am glad you made reference to the “ freeze response .” This is where I find myself right now . I don’t have a job, I don’t have money , I feel down and humiliated. Lots of shame , I guess. I am a single mother and completely without any support ( father is a narcissist- sociopath who stopped talking to me as a way of punishing me.)
I have talents but I feel like floating in the air. In the limbo. Have no family to call or count on. I cut out my “friends “ bc they were really not healthy and on the personality disorder side. I feel completely alone . I will look into the courses you mentioned. Thank you for this video.
We understand as few others can. You're in the right place now, I hope you find a course that fits your needs :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I cannot believe how much your story resonates (as well as the writer in the vid)... im also a single mother of a son who's father is narcissistic sociopath who disappears to punish) .... Sending love and healing vibes to you and your babies! 🩵💚🙏🏾
I grew up in a dysfunctional home, but my Mom always told me she loved me and we were close. I decided long ago that I did not raise myself and am responsible for my reaction to it, not the way my father treated his family. I hope that many here will get this clarity. You are loved and are capable of loving.❤
Anna, we really need your book. Pete Walker's stuff is good but my life is changing based on what you are teaching. My fear was that I was crazy (especially when triggered) but I am not. I am 55 and sober(AA) for 34 years. Now I can see why I have struggled for so long despite being sober.
You are absolutely not crazy! I'm so glad you found the channel :) -Calista@TeamFairy
What a heartbreaking story. Sonia, you did well to write to Anna and her advice sounds really good. The idea of looking into some kind of amateur theatre/drama experience is brilliant. Play to your known strengths, including writing in some form 🙂
Also, thanks Anna for recommending Irene Lyon. I'd never heard of her before... just took a look at her intro video here on CZcams and plan to dive in! I love the mission of this channel to empower us all to uncover our gifts and bring good into the world. 💖💕
Thank you for your kind words for the letter writer! I'm so glad the channel has been helpful :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
How very interesting! It helps me understand why I can’t leave a job I don’t like very much. It it very good at defining my identity after a childhood as an unwanted, ignored and neglected child. To redefine myself now, at the age of 63, is just too daunting, so I remain stuck.
I know how daunting it can seem, but you deserve good things and we're all here to help you. Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Sonya thank you for sharing. I have to admit, when I heard this story I began to cry. The tears came when I realized that this has happened to another person. Sonyas story is almost word for word a copy of my own. I’m 45 now and it’s hard to figure out why you were born to these people. As a child, I was called crazy by my mother due to my eccentric personality. I wasn’t like them and definitely did not meet their expectations. I met my best friend and one thing he told me to do to find myself was to embrace “the crazy”. So as a result, I indulged in varied creative activities. Trying new things that remotely interest myself to see if I like them. I have also cut off my parents. I chased after them for years trying to get validation or approval. They are not interested in a relationship and I have finally decided that I am not either. Thank you Anna for these videos. I truly believe God has pointed this out to me to help me finally heal.
Thank you for sharing this with us, we're all so glad you're a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I’m 28 and I can 100% relate to a lot of what “Sonya” wrote in her letter.
I'm 39,male, I feel more lost than ever before. I also feel I don't know who I am.
I need help, Anna.
I was diagnosed with adhd 4 months ago. Maybe it’s CPST or what ever.
It’s late. But I’m finishing video. Finally motivated to look😮 more closely at Daily practice. I’m neglecting myself. I know what I want and need to do, I just can’t get started.
Thank you. It’s time.
My family life was similar but my mum ended up divorcing my dad and the stress of being a single mother raising two kids and working poisoned her against me. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I raised my little brother, did chores, renovations, everything she asked and was never thanked. I never felt like I had a home it was "her house" everything I did was because I owed her. I wished I was never born or could be adopted. Now I understand stress and trauma and I feel a lot better about myself and see my own worth. I'm not perfect but I'm doing the best with the cards I'm given.
My mother and sister were best friends. I was the youngest and they would work around my school hours to go out and do fun things without me. That is only one of the various things that they would do to me, and I'll never forgive them.
Sonya, I'm in the UK and around your age, and have a similar background story. I could have written half of what you described, though my dad wasn't violent. Just very self absorbed/narcissistic. My mother sounds very similar to yours. And yes, I won a writing contest at primary school, but nothing I ever achieved got my mother's attention or approval. She was entirely focussed on my younger brother. Sending you hugs x
Holy shit, that letter was heartbreaking. Emotional abuse really IS the worst. The mother was taking out her pain on the child.
Hi Anna,
I’m very thankful for your support here. Such a lesson that God works all things together for good to those who …….
Today as I listen I hear you both. The trauma wounds break my heart.
I ran a daycare for 17 years after my kids were graduated. I got my degree in early childhood and trust me, that is a miracle.
I also have stuff I’m working on. But today my heart😢. If I had this sweetheart in my daycare, she would have been rt w me. Helping me at the craft table, holding the babies while I did circle time.
I would have taught her the joy of working on manipulative, puzzles, towers etc.
She would have loved climbing in the playhouse swing set. And riding my very cool bikes for toddlers. Sweet girl my eyes are full of tears because I want to take you under my wings and help u. But I’m glad you r here. Great place to be.
Talking to the Lord as well for you rt now.. may He work all of your trauma wounds for good in the days forward. Lord bless and heal this friend.
I love how you bring the energy back into how can we assist you now. Now and moving forward.
I started your Daily Practice course this morning and did the 2nd one in the evening.... I felt compelled to write my fears and resentments in the evening .... I thought that I wouldn't be able to stop writing until my deepest fear about the situation came into my mind. I didn't analyse, the words just started coming into my mind about what I really feared. I signed off as you tell us to do and then burnt the paper I'd written on. As I was watching the smoke going upwards, I felt my spirit lighten as though a load had been taken away. I just cried my eyes out I could feel myself being soothed and what seemed like a pair of arms holding me. Thank you for giving me the tools to experience that powerful feeling. I'll be doing it again tomorrow xx
VERY happy for you! May I use your comment in my book? I'm currently collecting real stories of people's experience using the technique. If yes, please send a note to me at hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com, and I'll send you the form where you can grant permission and choose how you want your quote attributed.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I've sent you a message 🙂
listening to this story has me weeping for this woman. She is a good writer and I pray for her healing. Maybe she could write a autobiography or book and claim her voice and live in her worth (not that she needs to do that to have a voice etc). 😢🙏🏼😭💜
I just had a rush of thoughts I wanted to share with you.
While I was listening to this video, I realized how much I’ve changed and grown as a person ever since I started watching you. I discovered this channel during Covid. Since then, little by little, things have changed from 0-9 and in a good way!! Mostly from what I learned from you. Now, watching your videos is the most valuable thing I do with my day…besides doing the daily practice. 😊
Thank you so much for being such an inspiration. I’m forever grateful!
Wow, that is SO nice to hear. Thanks for sharing this update with us. And thanks for all you bring to the world with your healing self!
I just went through this! After understanding that most of my personality is reactions to trauma, I'm looking for a new set of traits and responses. It's like being born again.
You got this! We're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I related to this comment so much. When I got my C-PTSD diagnosis, I remember bursting into tears at my therapy appointment and saying I was nothing more than trauma responses. She was a wonderful therapist and very empathetic. She told me this was my opportunity to become someone I'd like to be. It seemed impossible at the time, but it's happening. I wish you joy in your self discovery.
I cannot wait for your book, Anna! Thank you so much for all you do. You are a GIFT and a blessing to us all!
Thank you so much!
I had a similar situation. My mom behaves like a spoiled child in a woman's body. As I began to mature physically as a young teen she became very hateful toward me.. Bullied me, triangulated our family against me. I took it inwardly as something was wrong with me, and left home at 14 years old, which I now see was to save myself. A young 14 year old girl in our world, you can imagine what happened. Same scenario with younger brother, that's now a felon, the golden child, and still is. I became a perfectionist, as I now see to be accepted. I'm older now and see how I strived, fawned, and froze, to please my whole life away. As disappointing as my life was, at least I can accept the truth of what is now.
Heavy! I completely relate to her story, I never felt seen by my family, and I felt like a burden to them 99% of the time, everything seemed fake with them, the appearence of the "perfect family"... I refused to be a part of that lie, and they hated me for this. Today, I broke all ties with them, and I feel like they're completely strangers now. It's really, REALLY sad, I feel shitty sometimes, but at the same time I feel safe now, in a better place, on a better position. I was a zombie until my 30's, from that point I went full grey rock, that saved my life.
You are the most kindest, knowledgeable , common
Sensible, relatable Rock Star. Thank you from the bottom
Of my heart. I admire what you went through and are helping others. God Bless.
Wow, thank you
Anna, this is one of the most powerful and resonant letters you've shared. And you're right, Sonia is a wonderful writer - I'm sure she will find daily pockets of joy in the creative pursuits she back-burnered in order to "get through life". I'm the same age and have also fallen foul of this but it's never too late to become "you" - the real one, not the version others imposed. 56 going on 15 - with everything still to play for! I wish her every success and delight. Thank you, Anna - your insight, honesty and wisdom is so needed in this world.
Thank you for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Oh this one hurt, my heart for me and for you ‘Sonya’. My brother was first and was the golden child, I believe now, at 50, because he reminded her of my dad. He was absent, substance issues fresh out of the war. Me, I always heard how ugly I was as a baby, I think she was purposely careless hoping I would die. She was horrible to me, verbally and physically abusive throughout my life. I think she was very jealous and part of that was she was so immature and had kids to keep a hopeless relationship together. She hated the responsibility after my father left for good. I felt so awkward and out of place. If it wasn’t for my grandmother, I would’ve died long ago from a broken heart. I told her once to shut up and just hit me, because somehow it hurt less than hearing how horrible and hated I was. I’ve tried over the years to just be kind, she told me one Christmas she burned all my pictures…..who does that. I honestly don’t know how, maybe through a miracle, the birth of my child or just wanting to prove her wrong, and I have….ive worked hard, own my own home and smile, help others but still have hurt. I don’t talk to my mother very often, she is so manipulative….boundaries are soo important. Don’t let them steal your joy. I don’t talk to my dad but I miss him…..I know I am capable of giving great love, I care about others, my child, and cry at animal videos (dodo)…..I’m still trying to understand I am worthy of love. I am a fierce advocate for the underdog and maybe that’s because I felt so invisible, my heart breaks for people that suffer the same way. Don’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself. Nothing you can do will ever make your mother happy. I do feel sorry for my mother at times, she has no friends anymore and is alone it’s ok to replace the hurtful people with the helpful ones. I love this channel….this helps so much. Don’t just watch the video read the comments….oh my sorry for length, it is therapeutic to share this sometimes. Stay positive, find ways to calm the fears, noise or anxiety. You’re a survivor!
Oh my goodness. This letter could have been written by me. Everything. One thing that stood out to me was the writer's two gifts that arose from her horrible childhood that she could embrace to help elevate herself from her state of mental and emotional lethargy. She sees and recognizes these gifts/abilities but isn't embracing them as an integral part of her identity. I don't suggest living in a fantasy world all the time, but using these talents constructively can bring great joy from so much pain. I grew up just as the writer did. I am an actress. I am a writer. These are big parts of my identity. They seem to be part of the writer's identity, too, but embracing and incorporating those gifts has to happen or the memory of them instead of the living can be crushing. It's never too late to become what you were meant to be.
I am soo glad I have found your videos!! The past few years I have woken up to see how things have been in my life and how I haven’t been living my life to the best potential. I know there is more to life than what I am living and I am sooooo frustrated with myself for not being the best person and adult role model for my own son. He is now 20 years old, in college for psychology. Which is great because I think with me working on myself and him learning about symptoms can help him heal. We can grow and heal together I hope!!! We do have a relationship, but i know it can be better.
This letter is so much how my mom treated me when my brother was born. I could never do enough for her to be happy and stay that way, because there was always something. Then she was told she has bipolar and now that is her excuse. Look out world!!
So many parallels I felt as you read her tragic life. I too had English parents and it described my mom, but not my dad. She favored my brother to the point that after my dad disinherited him, for being a black sheep, she secretly resented me. When my dad died, my brother, who had been briefly living with them, took over the role of the man of the house but got our mom to blow all her money on him and do underhanded things like try to legally change the Will and Living Trust. In the end, he had her take out a reverse mortgage and stole my inheritance by her giving him all the money. He told me 5 hours after she died. He left town 3 weeks later, and I had to shut down the estate which cost me thousands of dollars. It’s been 9 years now I have yet to hear from him. (I know I won’t) My youngest daughter calls me an orphan. Oh the details could win me a Pulitzer in dramatic literature. So at 58, I still say to myself, what was I supposed to do in my life?? The woman in the story-I feel her pain. At least it helps me understand a few things…
I nearly could have written Sonya's letter. Born in the mid 60's, I had a younger sister and a father I rarely saw (he wasn't physically abusive though). Even my mother's acquaintances noticed her extreme preferential treatment towards my sister. I looked like my dad , my sister looks very much like my mother (who looked like Grace Kelly with dark hair). I spent most of my youth in my room, alone, while they were out enjoying various activities. Same deal as Sonya; my mom would spend 30 minutes to an hour with my sister every night, and usually just shout a "g'nite" to me.
Today most of my mother's friends have no clue that she has a second child. When I would stay with her, which was rare, she would forbid me from answering the door or phone. The ONLY time that she introduced me to anyone was when a movie that I had worked on got an Academy Award nomination for Best Picture (among others). For about a year she was OK with her friends and coworkers knowing me, but that has long since ended. I dealt with all of it by being a workaholic and not socializing (both of which she encouraged in my youth). If anyone asks me "What do you like to do for fun"? I have no answer, because I don't know.
But you can figure it out 😉
When we die we go through a life review. We're shown everything we've done or didn't do and said or didn't say and here's the kicker: It comes with the feelings that it caused in the other person. So when your mother will have her life review she will know exactly how all her horrible acts have made you feel. She may not acknowledge what she did to you but she'll have it presented during her life review.
What kind of work do you dread but still do because of the perks?
This video was so heavy for me...and sad. It brought up similar memories of my childhood and trauma. And helped explain and understand some things. Thank you to the lady who wrote in ..and I empathise with her. And thank you Anna for sharing her story and talking about it and explaining how trauma like this seeps into our lives and makes us who we are or are not. I was never sure how or to what extent my trauma affected my abilities and especially carving my identity. I still feel like I do not know who I am in terms of what I want to do with my life or my calling. And now I know the bearing my trauma has had on me and in developing that. And I hope I can find my way through healing and let alone start the process and be able to continue with it. Thank you.
Thank you for taking the time to comment! Glad the video was helpful for you!
Nika@TeamFairy
I had a similar experience growing up, with the exception that I was made in charge and responsible for my siblings and mother's well being. I was too young to take on such a heavy load. Now as an adult I have the same issues as the lady, recently I had to end a relationship with an ex that suffers from BPD because she became physically abusive, the internment reinforcement caused me to trauma bond and now I am fighting my abandonment issues because I know I deserve better. Thank you for sharing this, it is extremelly validating.
Thank you for watching. Glad you are here.
Nika@TeamFairy
Stay on it brother I promise you you're going to be okay. Don't ever give up on yourself. I don't know if this sounds trite you but maybe a qualified therapist can be of use. If not just know that there are caring people out here that will never meet you but we have good hearts and we're rooting for you. Stay strong no matter what!
I could have written this letter almost verbatim! Our stories are so, so similar.
I only realised who I am after 60 years, I'm 63 now. It's only when I found out about narsistic abuse (by my mother) that a light switch went on. I feel my life will never begin
Until the day she's not here. She is 86 and in good, or very good health for her age is able to live a good life (unlike my sister and I) without prescription medication. So i patiently just wait out each day, although it is mighty hard some days.
I’m so grateful I kept journals throughout my childhood. I later destroyed them b/c I didn’t want my only daughter to ever read them. Along with my yearbooks and class ring. Your daily practice is spot on.
Hearing this story makes me SO ANGRY! THANK YOU, Anna, for being here for so many!