Understanding Trauma - Part 13 - Betrayal Trauma
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- čas přidán 28. 09. 2023
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One cannot fully understand Complex Trauma unless they understand that it contain Betrayal Trauma. This adds to the painfulness of Complex Trauma. Tim helps us understand Betrayal Trauma and its far-reaching ramifications.
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Self isolation solved all my problems. I sleep like a baby knowing nobody can stab me in the back again. I physically moved away from those who betrayed me, i went from being homless and penniless after being discarded by my mother as a teenage girl, raped, abused, to living in my dream home that ive turned into a self-love sanctuary. I used to think i was worthless, now i love myself, something i thought was impossible. This is my safe space. God saved me. It was terrifying at first, being totally alone, no family, no one to call in an emergency etc i cried for months on end. I thought about ending it all many times. But keep putting one foot in front of the other.. and suddenly you will be running. Over time ive empowered myself more and more that i dont need anyone anymore. Still working on the trust issues, its a journey. But embrace the struggle, believe in yourself, you will come out the other side an even better person than you thought possible. Create your own safe space if you dont have one already. And remember, things dont happen to you, they happen for you. Welcome the challenges and learn from them. Turn your lessons into blessings.
AMEN!! 👏. Jesus saved me in my darkest times and is the ONLY one who never let me down. Stay close to Him - He loves you more than you know. The life after death videos prove this - especially Ian McCormicks testimony. He died after being stung by jellyfish and was on the other side talking to God for a LONG time. Also, I’m so glad YOU have become your own best friend. You can have your OWN back and Jesus can help you stay strong!!!
There ARE trustworthy people in the world - I know because I am one of them. I’m not perfect by any means but I have integrity and I’m proud of the content of my character. I’ve been abused so badly throughout my life so maybe the pain has caused me to be more empathetic. I can not imagine doing the things to others that were done to me in childhood AND adulthood!
You are very smart and on the right track - keep going but I hope you don’t lose faith in people. I have 2 friends who are Christian and they pray with me and after 20 years they have never hurt me. It’s possible to find love out there because Christ put the light inside each of us. But it’s not easy to trust after being burned so badly - I get it but if we don’t risk opening the door to our heart a little then love can’t get in.
God bless you on your journey.
💕 💕💕
I am in exactly the same situation as you but I am older and in the beginning of my journey. PTSD makes this journey much harder but I know deep down I will be okay it will just take time…. Thank you 🙏
@JoannaDel-Saints you will be okay. I kept making terrible choices because I didn't love myself, until I realised, I would never love myself as long as I lived at the mercy of others. I couldn't heal until I detached. I couldn't detach without having somewhere to go of my own. As you say, it is a journey, and all that matters is that you've started the journey. The rest will fall into place. Sending you love and prayers 🙏 listen to the voice inside and believe in yourself!
I have a similar story except that I would express that YAHUAH (God) doesn’t want us to isolate ourselves forever, I used to be agoraphobic dealing with mental issues and sever CPTSD, I also have mild autism.
According to the scriptures we are supposed to be a light, we aren’t to be hidden. He’s showed me that of course he wants to heal and restore my life which he is doing, however he doesn’t want the trauma to make me a recluse in fear of betrayal or abuse again. Yahusha Ha’machiach (Jesus) wants to strengthen us through these things and give us a testimony so we can help others through similar situations. We will stand again and we can’t be afraid against people with evil intentions because our Father has the final say ❤ greater is he that is in us, than that is of the world.
(forgiveness is key)
Turtle life might be a great idea. 🐢
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporessss I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. dr.sporessss
I’m coming to terms with how disappointing people can be. I keep to myself most of the time.
Same here AND I trust no one with money, objects, or information. Like nobody.
Me, too. I trust no one but God.
This is actually impossible on the long run, every human deserves at least one relationship to rely on, to feel seen, being supported...
@@masterculturedunkerque7918 that’s what got us into this mess. An aversion to finding the opposite of that promised.
❤ God Bless ❤❤
When you get older never trust a fart. 💩🚽 When people talk bad about others to me ,I figure they will talk bad about me to others.
Haha that is all true, even the first part!
Yeah that's a safe bet
human nature for ya ! and yeah defo think before you push !!
Haha, unless you are constantly constipated.
😂😂😂
I was severely betrayed by my immediate and extended family over a life time. After intensive professional therapy and 100s of CODA Meetings I completely disengaged from ALL of them - at the age of 52. I am 55 now and and thankful that i finally let them all go and stopped waiting for good relationships with toxic vacant people.
Was it hard to let go? I'm trying to but it's hard. Painful. Was it difficult?
@@WENDYBANTAM It wasnt that hard as the separation feels great. Much less stress in my life now.
These people didn't let me down, they flat out screwed me over.
Sorry to hear that.
@@Lemoncare Thanks, it's information like what Tim provides that is helping me to understand and that is vital to healing and moving forward.
The world is full of people who just don’t give a shit. I’m sorry. Stay strong.
@@nancychandler768 So true, Thanks you stay strong to.
❤ God Bless ❤❤
trusted people that push you to forgive reinforce the feeling of betrayal because they invalidate your experience
Yes, and forgiveness does not mean taking/accepting abuse!
Thank you for that thought. It was a light bulb moment for me ❤xx
I was betrayed in childhood and again in partnership. I have been struggling with the pain i feel and forgiveness. I just got to this réalisation: the betray hurt me and i feel sad and angry about it. I can forgive them and still experience and process my genuine sadness and anger. Jesus hurt and forgave. I used to think i had to feel good inorder to forgive. No i don't. I can forgive précisely because i am hurt not inspite of my hurt!!!!
Forgiveness is the process of releasing all negative feelings (rage, resentment, revenge) about the person. It doesn't mean you need to keep them in your life. If someone who abused you is pushing for "forgiveness" they don't mean actual forgiveness. they want you to forget and get a free pass to keep abusing without consequences.
Yes! Exactly!
Betrayal trauma leads to most mental illnesses and disturbances in my opinion
Yes
100%
I agree
So true. When you are raised in a family filled with toxic people you cannot trust, you seek out people you can trust. The problem is, we are taught lessons that are totally wrong, so that we learn to (/ are programmed to) trust the wrong people, who will only pile on with more betrayal, causing additional trauma
I agree!
I'm 64 and from my earliest memories, no adults around me kept their promises or word. Like many adults, they thought "Oh, he's just a kid. He'll get over it. No big deal. So what. " Yes, it was a BIG DEAL! Adults didn't care about my disappointments or hurts. They totally discounted that a child could have real feelings.
I'm relating to you...
The western myth that childhood extends past adolescents is very harmful
Yeah i personally didn't notice that until I noticed as an adult babysitter how some parents would just break promises to their kids and how deeply that affected me, I hated it when a parent would try to make me break a promise to a kid and just ignore the consequences - fortunately that didn't happen *too* often, but it did happen.
It’s big damage. It’s probably the root of limerence.
But they hurt us once, why do we keep hurting ourselves over and over?
My mother, the strongest person I’ve ever known, died young from effects of having to internalize every feeling that resulted from repeated betrayal from those she trusted and needed.
❤ I’m sorry for your loss. In The Myth of Normal Gabor Mate wrires about repression of trauma resentment and illness
I believe my grandmother died of the same thing in the form of ALS.
She sounds like me 💔 God rest her soul 🙏
@@angelamossucco2190Love him! ✌️
In addition to these kinds of talk therapy, please listen to the poems of Persian Hafiz
and Turkish/ Anatolian
Rumi
Mevlana
Jalaleddin Rumi
I was diagnosed with cptsd at 19 following being raped and molested as a little girl from 4 until 9, then manipulated/groomed at 12 by my 40 year old bil. After that I worked very hard to repair myself. I tried therapy but it did not help and in fact one of the therapists was actually inappropriate and that ended my attempts at therapy. At 21 I married my husband and for the first few years I thought everything had finally fallen into place. Then he cheated and proceeded to lie for the following 15 years. I learned about it a month before our 22nd anniversary. It’s been a year since and I am only now beginning to even come out of this absolute nightmare of thoughts. I am so tired of “working” at everything.
I understand. Felt exhausted yet unable to rest because of my fear. I finally turned to the fear and walked into it. But I essentially had no other options by the time I did so.
So sorry to hear your experience. It is indeed very tiring. I hope you can stick to your recovery process, you’ll come out way stronger on the other side. Wish you the best.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and are still going through. I get it, totally. We get abused, neglected, abandoned, and betrayed then have to do all the arduous work to try and make a semblance of a decent life for ourselves in the aftermath! It’s so difficult. Thank God for people like Tim who point out exactly what the issues are. Good luck on your journey. I hope you stick with it and come out better on the other side. ❤
Wow, you’re quite the warrior for making it this far!! No wonder you’re exhausted. Take all the time you need to rest. God must have your back if you’re still sane.
I didn’t go through near as much and I literally went insane for 2 1/2 years, so you’re stronger than most.
May I suggest (found on yt):
Anneke Lucas (Europe)
Mary Knight (usa) & my favourite
Gloria Masters (New Zealand) as her audio book is good from Spotify Australia. All have books on csa cptsd etc ❤😊we are getting stronger & louder edit: only read the one book; so can't comment on others
I’ve been watching Tim’s videos for a couple of months now. They are addicting because of their effectiveness. The delivery of his message is spot on. His education is the best I’ve ever seen. He was created for this. These videos are a long-awaited gift I’ve been seeking. I have a strong dislike for writing comments but I know this is how you spread the word.
Not being believed is a serious betrayal, with intense consequences throughout life. We need to validate beliefs before we challenge them, deny them, reason with them, or mis-interpret them.
Rebecca C. Mandeville calls that "traumatic invalidation." When you are telling the truth--and we Scapegoats are the family Truth Tellers--yet told constantly that you are lying / making things up / telling stories / embellishing for effect, etc. that becomes a trauma - you start to second-guess yourself, and your sense of reality. It's an evil thing to do to a child.
Agreed. Good wisdom here.
So today I decide to start being gentle with myself. I check almost all the boxes of different betrayals, both as child and adult. The last betrayal got me into a spin of anxiety, swetting, insomnia, confusion etc. And I have been judging myself for not being able to pull myself up. Thank you, this is so validating, that I'm not overreacting ❤
I was severely abused in secret by my mother and my father did not stop her when I told him about the abuse. This went on from ages 5-14. However, my romantic partners and husband of 25 years never betrayed me; instead, he healed me with love and made me feel safe.
Wow. This explains everything. I was raised in a family where betrayal was non stop. Then of course, this became my life. Going to have a good cry now.❤
Thank you for naming the issue of betrayal and for calling it out, I'm so grateful for your bringing awareness and helping me to understand the effects in my life
It totally nailed what I’ve been trying to understand my whole life. Thank you
I have been going to a counselor. One day we did a chart. Me and a line from me to all the important people in my childhood. When the chart was done I had no solid lines to anyone in my childhood. A few dotted lines to people who helped a little. The chart shocked me that I went home sick to my stomach. No one I could depend on. Little girl alone. 😢😢😢😢
When my husband died I realized I had been married to a stranger for 50 years.
Thank you once again. I have suffered betrayal trauma many times at the hands of many different people. The pain dulls a little but never goes away. I have a strong need to be around other humans but only on a casual basis, so basically chatting with people I don't know. I can't see myself EVER in an intimate relationship again, too many skeletons in the closet. Too much for someone else to deal with.
I know what you mean, I feel the same: romantic love used to be everything for me, but now it's in the realm of a miracle
I’m also fading into space.. more and more lately.
Finally a name for 50 years of hell, relapses, abusive relationships, sabotage over and over again, my children, I was at the point of hopelessness trying to figure out what’s wrong with me.
Scapegoating happens so often, I finally stopped trying to defend myself from second hand lies & half truths, working on boundaries - Not reacting & to disengage. Focus on staying calm & collected - refuse to be a party to their disrespect!
First of all, there’s nothing wrong with you. Be kind to yourself. Lesson #1 💕
I made it out, my mom didn't! Don't give up! You deserve happiness!
Experienced all traumas - ultimately, you trust no one. The only reason I survived childhood, adolescence, adulthood is God’s Love for me.
**Thank you for bringing this to the forefront - lately, I’ve been kind of lost in transition from being painfully out of touch with life & self - to indifference. This may be the missing piece in my healing path. I know that I’m not the only person to experience trauma but, let me tell you, several times it nearly ended me. I survived sometimes minute by minute.. when there is literally no one that has your best interest at heart, no one who cares, they want to destroy you, you are Alone!! ..but you get past it - you have to.
I have experienced similar betrayal and struggle to survive minute by minute. I admire your strength and faith to keep healing. I wish you healing. Knowledge and understanding certainly helps lift the fog of lies. ❤
@@pamj7823 Thank you!! Those were dark days. I just didn’t know what was wrong with me, and I had no idea why. All I knew was out of the blue something would trigger it, self loathing and shame. I read many self help book on dysfunctional systems, codependency, addiction, alanon ..etc. It was only until I began to treat myself with kindness & forgiveness did I begin to heal and see others as imperfect people & their true nature. That is when trouble began in my family - my sisters joined forces with my now ex husband.
Yup, sadly you can't really trust in people. I am also not religious, but ardently believe in a God that is absolutely real. This faith is what sustains me moment by moment; people may have failed me, but I was promised that God never will. Keep on keepin' on!
Experience all trauma? You too! I feel less alone 😊
❤ God Bless ❤❤
Very thorough & thoughtful Tim. I’m 4 years out of a 20 year marriage that was one betrayal after another. I’m often shocked how long it’s taking me to find normalcy again.
I went through every single trauma of it, every single one. Some of them several times or over years. I can't really understand why I'm still alive, but I'm alive and that's a good thing - life can be different, it can be beautiful. ❤❤❤
I relate with everything in this video. It really is a lifelong quest to heal from betrayal trauma when it comes from your parents. I wish I had a therapist like you. You get it.
I experienced every physical symptom plus shingles. Betrayal trauma really shakes every thing in you and breaks you down to rubbles.
I have experienced all 5 types of betrayal trauma and trying to find a therapist I can afford and trust to work with is exceptionally difficult. So you end up stuck in it.
Same here. Wish you the best!
I’ve found the best therapists are here for free on CZcams.
God bless them all, they are saving so many lives and minds.❤
@@LisaValentine1 I’d like the interaction and real life connection with someone, that cannot be replaced by you tube for me and we need to realise how important that is. It’s important to recognise when actual real healing and life changes happen and that has happened for me yet from just watching CZcams videos. I have learned a lot for sure and am grateful that these are being shared for free.
Tim Fletcher has developed a program called LIFT that addresses these issues. It’s relatively affordable. You can also access individual therapists that are trained in his methods at a reasonable cost
@@mib9647 I am aware of his programs as I have contacted them to find out. Yes i comparison to the cost of other therapists and programs I would describe them as reasonable. I am however I single mother, home educating my three children and putting their health and well being first, aswell as my own, I am not working and on minimal income. So as reasonable as the costs are, there is still a demographic who are unable to touch this kind of support and help! It’s basically not available to people like me, which doesn’t much help with the complex trauma. I thank God I have Him and I maybe able to afford joining to have access to all the content.
I like the format! You talk about the issue without dramatic music or visual illustrations. If you listen to this, you're likely traumatised and need no extra stuff. Your calm, knowledgeable, and empathis reasoning and explaining are very helpful contributions to this research field and a beautiful gift to all of us suffering. Thank you🙏❤️🔥 from a Swedish listener👋
I was horribly betrayed that has affected me. And it hurts because they act as if they did nothing wrong and my family pretends all is normal.
I am secretly hurt and feel equally betrayed by them too.
Same here with my sister. We were so close and I trusted her more than anyone. When I ended up with severe PTSD from surgical trauma, she shut me out of her life and decided she was done with me. No explanation, no empathy, just coldness and contempt for my vulnerability and brokenness. It has broken my heart, my family don't want to 'get involved' and expect me to go along pretending nothing happened. It's been going on for 2 years now, none of them have done anything to have my back or at least validate my experience. Their lack of any intervention or acknowledgement of the suffering I've endured, has been just as bad as the way my sister has behaved. They are complicit by doing nothing, and it's crushed my spirit. The worst thing is, I took full responsibility for creating a wedge in my family, when I've done nothing wrong. All I have done is to get seriously ill, and not have the strength to pretend I'm ok. I'm so sorry to hear that you might have gone through something similar.
My mother was kind enough to speak to my future wife, before we were married and tell her that I was a dreadful person and she was making a big mistake marrying me. My mother didn't want someone as bright, confident and wellspoken as my wife, she wanted someone that she could push around. Fortunately my wife didn't tell me this for a very long time, otherwise I would be serving a life sentence in prison, right now.
Wow! I have been through all of those. With institutional trauma, happened with several different entities. No wonder I felt like I lived in the Twilight Zone for so long.
God is my best friend at 37 he doesn't want me to live in my trauma and I put up a lot of boundaries at this point and choosing myself to heal hopefully some day I will have the strength to help others I believe that is why I'm still here.
👏👏👏
Exactly that! Keep going, greater is he that is in you than that of the world ❤
Wow, personification of an imaginary entity , that can never imaginarily betray, thats innovative!
Hang in with the organization Tim leads. I'm a graduate and can't imagine my life without the help I've received here.
It is unbelievably painful. Thank you so much for helping me better understand why I was so devastated when my toxic ex found someone else while I was pregnant. I was hurt beyond what pain I believed I could tolerate. :(
Who would not feel devastated? I am so sorry! My husband drove me and our one month old newborn to my mother's place and dumped us off. A week later he changed his mind and still in shock, I agreed to get back together. Seven years later he suddenly deserted me. Ten years later, I remarried. I thought I had met the man of my dreams, but he made my first husband look like a saint! Turns out, I had married a sociopath. (now called anti-social personality disorder). He was actually diagnosed with this twenty years later. I was always 'walking on eggshells' with him. So much heartache, lies, betrayal. He passed away four years ago. I am better, but still am haunted by memories. Even this video has got me tearing up. Betrayal from your husband is so horrible. I was cheated on, too. It literally hurts physically. When I found out it did feel like a punch in the gut. Emotionally, horrible pain. Again, I am sorry that happened to you. 😢
After almost (8 days shy) 18 years, the diagnosed (I only found that out AFTER I found myself in the hospital - "broken heart syndrome"... cardiac episodes) psychopathic covert narcissist blew out the front door, trying to steal my retirement fund & gaslighting police!!!
My Dr diagnosed me with CPTSD with deep shock...I was borderline catatonic for the following 8 months...listless...cried constantly, even in what sleep I got... I lost 30# the first month, my hair & nails all broke... I stopped talking... eating... I really didn't want to be here anymore...
Then my Dr sat me down... She explained that she had watched my steady decline over the previous decade, persistently pleading with me to "get away from them"...saw what was happening, but couldn't actually tell me, because she'd treated them too, & up until the narc left, was bound to silence because of Dr/patient confidentiality... Only now that didn't matter, because she'd booted the narc from her practice... I remember being stunned, yet sobbing uncontrollably...she put me on mild sedatives that day.... insisted that I had to survive this, or the narc wins...
That last "ultimatum" {you have to survive this, or the narc wins} JOLTED ME TO MY CORE... I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A FORCE.... A trained biochemist... federal security clearance... licensed wildlife rehabilitator, running a 24/7 wildlife hospital (501c3)...a property & business owner... Suma Cum Laude all through college...there was NEVER a situation I couldn't solve!!! ... until now... I didn't recognize myself. I HAD TO FIND ME AGAIN.... aaaaaannnddd that's when things CHANGED....A COMPLETE 180° TURN AROUND...
I called my lawyers & got to work..."You wanna play in court narco??? NOW I'M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE!!!" I went through my files, put together 5 claims, handed the files to my lawyers... & The INSTANT I GOT THE DOCIT NUMBER IN STATE SUPREME, I sent the Process Service for the lawsuit, & the United States Marshalls to REPOSSESS THE COLORADO (that I WAS LEGALLY LIABLE FOR)... The lawyers also THREATENED THE POLICE WITH CLASS ACTION IF THEIR UNFOUNDED PROFILING DIDN'T CEASE IMMEDIATELY (I'm Mohawk - Iroquois Confederacy).
It took from 8/12/2015, when the narc blew out the door, until 1/30/17, to completely play out in court...I WON ACROSS THE BOARD...I KEPT WHAT WAS MINE...AND STRIPPED EVERY BENEFIT THE NARC EVER GOT FROM ME!!!
But all those wins only enraged the narc, & in spite of a stay-away order, I'm STILL stalked & gaslit... So prepare yourself... because winning against a psychopath only ratchets them deeper into revenge mode. My extensive surveillance systems keep the nut job at bay, but they're like a circling shark, waiting for any opportunity... I don't think ANYONE can heal under that constant pressure.....🖤
I could sue as well , still may, it would require moving out of state though. Fearing this mess follows me . A lawsuit may ruin future plans . Money not worth the hassle. I'm so fed up though considering Canada , and dumping USA.
@@Me-fs5mi I didn't leave...I stayed & STAND MY GROUND TO THIS DAY...
Even though I have a Stay Away Order, that doesn't stop 3rd party abuse from the chimps....so I have to go after them legally... separately.... aaaaaannnddd I AM!!! Go make some friends with police officers... Mine are Sheriff Mounted Patrol Division...
Yeah... I bought a HORSE....much better EVERYTHING. No more human relationships for me... I'd much rather spend my free time with my animals!!!😻🐎💥🎯💥🏁❣️
This was very enlightening. I have a variety of symptoms from many different types of betrayal. I didn't know why I had isolated myself. I wasn't conscious that I quit taking care of myself in my diet or hygiene. I hadn't recognized that I felt like I didn't trust anybody. I didn't label not wanting to be hugged. It makes sense now. Thank you for being so thorough
I'm so happy to hear you benefitted from the video. We all have so many needs that need to be met in our childhood, and then a transitional time in our teenage and early adult years where we learn to meet these needs ourselves in healthy ways. So many of us never received this. I produced a list of these 12 Basic Needs that you might find helpful:
Physical Needs
1. Food + Water
2. Pleasure
3. Sex/ Intimacy
Emotional Needs
4. Acceptance
5. Relationships + Belonging
6. Safety/ Security/ Fairness
7. Purpose
8. Rest
9. Beauty
Spiritual Needs
10. Awe
11. Higher Power, Meditation, Connectedness, Humility
12. Content, Happy, Fulfilled
@@TimFletcher Thanks for this list of needs. I need to point them out to my self when I get mad and see what need was violated.
Thank you ! Work at school where 70% of child’s live with divorced parent. It’s so painful to see their behavior. Your video just helps me understand kids more. Subscribe
By the time he covered bullet a. In relationship symptoms, i couldnt see for the flood of tears pouring from my eyes. I have no words. Subscribed.
I’ve recently been working on this with my therapist. It’s important to tell your therapist everything even if you think it’s insignificant. Or if you’ve been made to believe it was insignificant.
Like your father, holding you hostage at gunpoint in the bathroom, and the police had to break the door down and take him away in front of you and you were all alone and your mother pretended like it never happened.
The way this man has opened my mind and overall understanding is so encouraging. He is so wise and I love how he incorporates God and the Bible in all of these as well. Thank you Mr. Fletcher!
yes and here talks about the Creator & Church & feelings of betrayal
Agree
OMG I have been going trough all of it! Thank you for shining the light! I do not feel as helpless victim, in fact I feel , its time to face it and understand it and change.....
I detached from my birth family many years ago. It was extremely painful but, I have at last begun to heal. Unfortunately, my own children picked up a lot of dysfunctional messages from them so I’m now dealing with that. It’s much easier to deal with because I don’t need them to love me… I need them to understand the dynamics that have affected them, and that I love them, no matter what.
I relate to that - the adult children in my betrayal situation has been devastating!
Tim, it is sincere people like you and Daniel Mackler who give me hope that there are people out there who really understand and care about orhers. 🎉
You are amazing at explaining. Thank u. I have been through all of it and i am still working on myself and i am experiencing rage and anger.
This is truly valuable information. Thank you.
Tim your such a blessing. Thank you for all your time and effort. You are a blessing.
Thank you for these videos. I need to say this, because the term "letting down" was repeated so much in the context of betrayals. The two concepts AND related damaging actions are not congruent. That's like saying 1 is the same as 10, ignore the zero, because it's insignificant, and that's not gaslighting. Betrayal is violently stripping away the security and safety of another, while letting them down is not being perfect, as if anyone else is, either.
Agree. Once you have been betrayed, you no longer sweat the small stuff. People let you down all the time because mostly they do not live up to your expectation... but betrayal..... it's deep and not trivial.
"Betrayal is violently stripping away the security and safety of another," - 100%
Yes i have been through betrayal trauma. Looking back I realized that the betrayal started a long time ago. There is so much more to betrayal than cheating in a sexual affair. In fact betrayal/cheating comes in many forms. Having an affair is just the icing on the betrayal cake the narcissist feeds you.
The more I remember my childhood the more I realize everything was transactional. They disowned me 15 years ago, when there was nothing more they wanted.
What was really hard about the partner betrayal trauma, isn't just their betrayal, but if that they knew also about all the other forms of previous betrayal trauma: parental, sibling, government, church, previous partners, friends... AND WITH THAT KNOWLEDGE, they still betray.
That is heartbreaking. After all that previous trauma, I don’t think I would trust my ability to choose healthy relationships until the previous trauma is worked through. My choice is to be alone. I have my kids, a few close friends, good colleagues and some nice acquaintances…..but never a partner. I need to learn to love myself first.
I don't think I'll ever heal, because people just can't be honest, especially my family. My family is full of liars. Liars and betrayers on so many levels it is pathetic.
I really appreciate the lists that you showed in the picture. So I can screenshot. It makes it possible to first just listen to what you say and then work with the lists after.super good!👍
Very good. As I listened I have faced almost all of the big ones but the current trauma is a friend that was there for me as a single person and a sister in my church, I trusted my whole heart. I put all my friendship into her instead of the many other friends I had.
She ghosted me. I was shocked. She didn’t share what was bothering her she just ghosted me.
Then our other close friend who saw this happening to me she died. I feel more abandoned by the friend that ghosted me than the grief I feel from my dear friend who passed. I am disregulated emotionally.
WOW! I have no words to thank you ! Left a Psychopath / narcissist relationship 8 years ago and this has been the answers that I needed. Been to some therapy and done so many healing techniques, yet so many things unanswered , not even brought up by therapist .
Thank you from my heart for the clarity and the vast information you have provided. Bless you!❤️🙏
Thank you Tim
You have a gift of making all this complicated stuff make sense for me during my recovery!
I am so so grateful I found your channel.
Your insight and ways of simplifying such painful traumas helps me change my perspective and actually not only understand my parents' traumas and behaviours, but mostly my own.
The more understanding I gain, the easier it feels to heal.
I have tried to get tothis point for so many years, and finally I have stopped feeling like a victim.
You also give advice and tools to help manage difficult emotions, and the awareness that has come from following you and Dr. Peter Walker, and Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk...
Amazing.
I honestly believed I would never get this far.
Thank you so much for doing this.💯❤🙏🏼🙌🏼
Im sooo glad you mentioned God betrayal trauma. This is so important to healing.
Yes, I agree.
I think this is important, as many abusers pretend to be Christian / devout / spiritual people who are loving and kind to the whole world...except behind closed doors when nobody, except their Higher Power, can see or hear them.
Thank you for doing these videos. I learned so much about myself. Once I have the self awareness of what happened then I can heal it. Tim, You helped me to gain clarity.
Wow, I just found this video, and it's amazing. I got nearly 100% of the examples correct. This actually read like a road map of my life. I am now an "orphan". I am in counseling and EMDR. I'm starting to find my way out of this pit of anguish.
Does anyone ever recover from this, and become content?
I'm over with these feelings being nonstop.
This this, in so many arenas I’m affected.
I’m learning how to not react to triggers, just allow them & take space.
It’s so slick.
Betrayle trauma...that makes sence....now i know my issues❤
Another excellent presentation Tim, invaluable for victims of betrayl, thank you so much! 🙏
I swear that God guided me to your video series on complex trauma and codependency just when I needed it most. I don’t think I’ve felt words so deeply as how you’ve described my whole life. I thought I had worked through my self worth and relational traumas, but I have married for a second time and find a pattern repeating. These videos are confirming that I have a lot of recovery work to do. Thank you for the blessing of your work.
What breaks my heart is that I was 3 years into my second marriage before I realized, "I can break up with anyone I want to, anytime I want to, for any reason I want to." That My life and my body should have been "By Invitation ONLY."
It sounds completely insane that a person would feel the need for a third-party's approval to NOT date / sleep with someone...but that was my experience. I was forced into relationships, forced out of relationships, forced to have no one supportive of me, right down to destroying my ability to bond with a pet, then forcing me to take one in to get euthanized, then manipulating a boy who she forced me into a relationship with, to sh00t my next one, still a puppy. My 'mother' hated me that much.
@@Hawaiiansky11❤
Oh man Im on the same boat. Where do you start? I dont even know where to start with healing this trauma 😢
The day I met Tim and his ❤️❤️❤️♥️(staff) he un cracked my planet, ! Thank you. More good news.
What breaks my heart is that I betrayed my son in some ways when he was little. He died last year, and now I'll never be able to make it up to him. I'll never forgive myself.
❤
I was horribly betrayed by my parents but I still forgive them. They were wounded people who had limited tools. Given better tools, the benefits of hindsight and another opportunity I know that they would have done better. I would suggest that the same thing would apply to your situation.
I didn’t need perfect parents. What I needed was parents who were willing to see the harm and grow from it.
Unfortunately in my case my mother died young of cancer and my dad later committed suicide. I would give anything to be able to call them and ask them to forgive me for judging them so harshly. As a parent myself I didn’t do well either. Now that my son is grown we have had a chance to reconcile and he understands that I started my journey with a deficit too. I share with him every time I learn something new that can help break the cycle.
When Jesus was hanged on the cross he said, “Forgive them for they know not what they do.” That extends to you and me as well. We are broken people trying to live in a broken world. But through that we share in our suffering and we share in the suffering of Christ. The suffering gives us knowledge of good and evil so that when we know what it is we can choose good. Our purpose is to make it to the point where we will choose good over evil. Only then can we really know that we are worthy of God’s love because God is good and God has already forgiven us if we will receive it. He took our punishment on Himself. We keep hurting ourselves with our own unforgiveness and that hurts the people who love us and it hurts God. Jesus died so we can be freed from guilt, shame and remorse that destroys our lives and the lives that touch ours.
Get free of this for the sake of the people that you love even if you can’t see the reason to do it for yourself. You will have more capacity to love without the burden of holding yourself trapped in the self-pity/pride cycles that unforgiveness produces. The Devil already stole enough from you, don’t hand over the rest without seeing it’s a trap that will pull you deeper into destruction. We open the trap by handing it over to God and our debt is paid in full. Guilt is what the Devil wants to cut us off from God. There he can finish destroying us.
I pray that you will forgive yourself, amen!
Prayers and compassion ❤
oh man please heal
Having a safe place = helpful.
It's difficult to heal when new betrayal trauma is inevitable and one has to face a new challenge every once in a while -before healing is completed. Thank you so much for the valuable information - kudos to everyone who fights that battle of healing in a world so cruel as the world we live in
Child.. your talking about me.. a 63 yr old adult. Everything your saying is what I’m going through as a betrayed spouse. And I’m sure it was also in my parental relationship. Wow.. what do I do. Hitting home here.
This talk has made so many things make sense to me that I have been struggling with for long time. Thank you Tim!
Betrayal Trauma is it for me. The professional help I've received has been enormously helpful. But I am the first to say there is a long road ahead and am just getting my "sea-legs" in this dizziness.
Have great anger still at the betrayal of those who watch. Don't believe at all that it's all legitimate. Very angry at this, but am looking to use my painting to focus away and toward truth and what is trustworthy.
Thank you, Dr. Fletcher. You hit closer to home than most. I will continue with the Friday night's sessions.
Yes, many times, which us why I rarely trust anymore, but life goes on and it makes me more determined to be self sufficient and like my solitude ..I can trust me! Note alone is not lonely .. but the trauma is there, deep inside....boxed away so I can move fwd.
J-Me I know that one very well. Narcissists are famous for never taking responsibility and blaming you! Terrible
Wonderful! So much lifesaving wisdom packed in 50 minutes. Thank you once again, Tim 🙏
I love that you validate me and treat me with care while also revealing hard truths about me. Please keep posting. Please don't get sick. Please live a long life.
What is intimacy? I've lived a life terrified to share my inner feelings. My mother hung over the family like a hawk, waiting for the slightest sign of vulnerability and attacking verbally. I called it the Gotcha Game. I've spent most of my life exploding in rage when people get too close. I will let no one hurt me or love me.
I always find your videos extremely valuable ..thanks you for the generosity of your spirit and sharing
Much grattitude ❤
It breaks my heart that my three boys have had to go through this too. They’ve done all that you’ve explained. My youngest bless him talks regularly and has a fascination with being the hero, saving people. He even connects with Jesus in this way that he wants to help Jesus save everybody!!😪😢 how on earth do I help my boys heal when I’m so far off healing myself? It’s any wonder some of the most attractive films for people to watch are based on all of this, with super heroes. Glorifying these relationships and behaviours. 😪 but that’s a whole other betrayal conversation that I am well aware of.
Take the oxygen first. That's how you help them. By teaching them that you are a fallible human being, in need of healing, and then you do it.
I married an abused boy narcissist
I am so mad at myself for bringing into the world 2 children... Who have had to go through this shit too. 7 yr marriage and sudden div. then custody battle.
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@@carolsaia7401 i never married the abused narcissist, we were meant to but that’s part of our story and I feel a sense of protection really. I am so sorry we have to share such a similar experience. The brokenness of the world is such of human creation and my biggest source of strength, relearning and healing has been coming to know the creator and His purpose and plan for me. Not leaning on my own understanding, as I’ve proven my judgement in character and my own abuse and how that has impacted me and my flaws in giving the narcissist an opportunity. Hoping they can be good.
I went threw this as a child and as and adult,went threw allot of counselling,what I needed to do was look at my part my marriage and why I wanted it and what I was willing to settle for,there were red flags but I wanted what I wanted,so in order to heal I needed to look at my part and go threw allot of emotions in order to get to the place of acceptance,divorce 5 years ago and I am happy now but I needed this time to heal❤
Tim, you are spot on about giving Forgiveness! Many people that alone is the answer.
Betrayed by just about everyone all my life. Now 75 and just had huge betrayal last year by mother ( yes, she’s still alive) and sister. Left the area, left the country. Came back and now trying to start over. Very, very painful, but now I see I needed to see them for who they are, it is teaching me my own worth.
I will rise again, I know I am very powerful. I now see my journey as spiritual. I see the difference between myself and the betrayers, I never willingly hurt anyone in this life…….so why did I feel unworthy?
As you go through this list, I realize I was betrayed by every category! I am leaving it all behind!❤❤❤
i hope u can. i'm 64, only now coming to terms with the extensive psychological damage both my parents inflicted upon me for as long as i can remember. i've lived alone the last 30 years on disability for depression/anxiety, FINALLY connected with an excellent therapist and re-diagnosed with cptsd. i doubt i will fully recover because i don't believe i can ever forgive them for making me wear the scars of their twisted relationship. i'd love to known who i would have been raised in a healthy, happy home.
@@jude8132 You know dear, try starting to see that under all the pain and heartache, their negative energy didn’t alter you. It made you develop defenses, yes, and you are learning to let those go. As they lessen, you start to see and feel who you really are, underneath it all. I am rooting for you❣️🙌🏻🙏🏻
thank u! i am wishing u the very best ❤
I'm an atheist. God bless you. Everything you say is the truth. Thank you.
I think ur stuff is good. I love how kind and respectful u guys are to the spirits even when u could and should yell and tell them what you think of of them. Thanks for showing us that there is more out there.
Woow!!!, in high school the guidance counselors would build a relationship with myself and fellow classmates get us to trust them, tell us to come to them with any problems we didn't feel we could discuss with our parents, when we did come to the counselors with these issues the counselor would tell our parents what we felt we couldn't talk about with our parents often getting the students in trouble with their parents is this an example of betrayal trauma
The idea that time slows or stops..I feel this..Who knew it was a trauma symptom!
I have my own issues around bettayal but just feel so so so very sad for my mum right now. This is very interesting and further help me understand why she s the way she was and is. I am 10K km from her and wish I could give her a big hugs.😢
I self-diagnosed with C-PTSD along with a number of accompanying symptoms this past year and a half, when years' worth or traumatic repressed memories from my youth resurfaced.
Then, I happen upon this video, which seems to fill in all the 'blanks.'
I felt betrayal trauma from a very bad beating when I was 9 or 10; but I somehow had resiliency afterwards, until age 15 or so, which is when, through a series of my mother's treachery and my beloved's parents' lack of knowledge (or rather misinformation they were fed by said mother, a malignant narcissist disguising herself as a loving Christian woman), I felt severe betrayal trauma - based on a lie. That I never knew was a lie, until almost 4 decades later. It caused very strong dissociative amnesia, dissociation, depersonalization and derealization disorder. I stopped engaging in hygiene. I distrusted everyone. I hated being touched, and I hated being told I was loved. I hated s*x and only engaged in it out of a sense of obligation. I never felt safe enough to love anyone too much, including my own children (even now), for fear of them suddenly disappearing or dying.
He was the ONE person I had who made me feel safe, made me feel sane, loved, valued, worthy and beautiful. He edified me. Through a series of unfortunate events (including his own mental health disturbances due to severe abuse and betrayal trauma of his own), lies, manipulation, gaslighting and threats to our lives from said malignant evil person, he and I ended up distrusting one another.
I 'lost' my memories of him...I believe, to keep me from feeling the guilt, shame, rage and hate towards him. The only memories I retained were those of being 'just friends' with him, with zero memory of anything remotely romantic (which I guess psychologically speaking, would keep me from feeling betrayed - it was okay for him to be engaged to someone else if he and I were only friends). His engagement to said 'other' person was not real.
When he reconnected with me in 2009, he tried in his own way to help me remember, but because of his Avoidant Personality Disorder (i believe), he would not allow me to meet up with him without knowing for certain that I would recall him, and not despise him due to his past. So, he let me go yet again, which I suppose was another betrayal. He was the only man I have every truly loved. What I 'loved' in others were only those things that reminded me of him on a subconscious level.
He has gone home to God (2017). So we could never reconnect again after my memories of our love have come back to me. It feels some days like Evil Won.
But I have to remember that I am not tethered to this world; that God has my back, that He will make all things new again soon, and I will be back in my beloved's arms again. He and I were both victims of evil, wicked pretend-Christians who were actually aligned with Satan himself. In God's home, my beloved knows the truth now. And I will believe that he has helped me get my memories back, and lovingly has guided me through them all, so that I would know the WHOLE TRUTH.
The worst betrayal is when they tell you to be like them.You point out this wont work but after their insistance, you follow along for loyalty s sake
So when they eventually fail instead of aknowledging your support ..they betray you on top..
And i guess that means that for them their goal was of outmost importance whereas for you the relationship was of outmost importance
Thanks, Tim so much
Tim Thank you so much to this tremendous healing from your dynamic teachings!
Yes, you finally become aware of how the complex trauma effects your life and THEN you get to experience your family members you thought you belonged with denying your reality-trauma, attacking your reality, smearing your name, devaluing and then finally the crowning glory DISCARDING and exiling you from said “family”. I’d had betrayal trauma in adulthood and workplace BUT remained loyal to my family. Apparently that was just a trauma bond. I tried so hard to connect and help my siblings and their families. For nothing and now they try to even use resentments and triangulation to turn my adult children against me. So hateful. And naively I did not see that coming. Narcissists and addictions rule. It’s an impossibly dysfunctional situation.
I have watched many videos from Tim Fletcher and other psychologists/psychiatrists but I never found one that covers all aspect and in details exactly what is betrayal trauma and this type betrayal trauma can destroy us. The cause, the symptoms, the intensity of the pain, sensorial, behavioral Symptoms/consequences, like this video!
This is exactly the pain/symptoms of the betrayal I went through. I can defititely say the pain can be unbearable even with a therapist support, but it is lethal if we cant hold on to our faith in God.
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The things you say express me. It is sooo nice when someone puts words on and makes sense of these feelings! Thank you.😘
I hope I'm somewhere in the middle of processing but listening to this is so deep. I got triggered, had to get up and distract my mind. It's like wading through knee deep mud.
Around 40:00 mins you talk about forgiveness. I strongly agree on this. The only good thing I learned from the catholic church was the power of forgiveness, providing, and only providing you realise that the main beneficiary of the forgiveness is you and NOT the aggressor. Forgiveness helps you and is powerful because it puts you in control, gives you the moral high ground and makes you the stronger, better person. But you can't forgive until you accept all the other changes you have to make to the relationship. Heck, you don't even have to tell the aggressor, it still makes you a better person, if you just do it in your head or ritualize it.
I agree, too. I will forgive, someday, in my own time, but first need to learn, need to understand, need to know the truth, need to heal myself and also forgive myself. Plus, even when you forgive, something else resurfaces, so then you have to forgive an abuser for THAT thing, then another reality hits and you have to forgive for yet another betrayal, etc. Take your time, forgive as you can and are able to. God understands.
I know you talk about parental/friends/ partners etc. but you could even be betrayed by other family members too. This I can relate to because I've been betrayed many times by not just my parents but other family members too and I'm just tired of it. I can't go on like this because it's having an effect on my mental health and something has to give.
20:00 In my unprofessional opinion this is where Borderline Personality disorder/CPTSD originates 💔💜🕊
Betrayal trauma by a ptsd trained therapist who was supposed to help me getting over sexual trauma. Resentment faded out partially but the pain is still here, time can heal a lot
I have suffered tremendous trauma in the loss of my mother. I begged siblings to help and step in for mom’s care and they all blocked me and abandoned both my mother and myself. 10 days later mom died and alone the youngest of 5 children I sat by mom’s casket to say goodbye. The siblings haven’t spoken to me in nearly 2 years since and my only brother in more than 26 years for what he did to me. I was right mom needed help but she also deserved the respect of family being there for each other in mourning. I just donated blood and I thought to myself this will help someone else live and my blood has value so why don’t my siblings value me in any way ? These are the most narcissistic people on earth that they couldn’t dedicate a day to say goodbye to mom with me. My mom was let down but so was I 😢 I had a father that told me he didn’t need a 5th child and not a 4th girl. He told me he wished I wasn’t born. He was jealous that my mom loved me so much it was competition to him. My mom made up for his hate and scapegoating so the loss of my wonderful mother was extra traumatic. I feel my siblings had his jealousy too. They betrayed me and mom.
I experienced all of this. Betrayal blindness and disassociating with a narcissist
Most of the symptoms of betrayal in adulthood l have now, three months after being betrayed and then turning around and betraying my most loved companion. I don’t understand why I turned on them. I thought I was stronger than that. It’s excruciating to realize how emotionally unstable, immature, fragile, I really am. Now for the first time in my life I don’t trust myself to love someone. I’ve signed up for one of your courses. Sure hope it helps.