r/Bestof My Wife My Tortured My Daughter for Decades
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- čas přidán 9. 07. 2024
- Podcast: open.spotify.com/show/3hJo9o8...
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0:00 Intro
0:11 My wife abused our daughter for decades and I was clueless
9:50 My husband lied about finances and so much more
12:52 My stepson stole my car while I was on call
"Sneaky Snitch" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) License: CC By Attribution 3.0 - Komedie
For the first story, the daughter's therapist sucks for suggesting she was making things up for attention.
i get that they're human still and weren't there for it, but on the other hand that's exactly it. you weren't there, how the fuck are you just so sure that it's lying, that would literally take a psychopath to lie about something like that just for attention
Even if she' was making they should have try to find out why, kids don't lie about stuff like that
If a therapist even says anything like that, they shouldn't be a therapist. AT ALL.
fr even if she was lying in that very unlikely situation, HER NEEDING TO DO THAT FOR ATTENTION IS AN OBVIOUS SIGN OF NEGLECT
Sounds like the therapist is being manipulated by the wife too.
First story: The moment she moved out at 18 was the moment it should've been bleedingly obvious she wasn't making up abuse.
Not quite, narcissistic people will often do similar things, along side pathological liars who are caught out.
That's partly why its never black and white, neither of those types of people will let you know they're those types of people, you usually find out when its too late, which kind of happened anyway
Exactly, The Point of a therapist is to help you let go of the past and learn it's not your fault
Op seems like a dipshit in the first story. Like, I get the whole "Cat's in the Cradle" bullshit storyline, but how did he not notice bruises or welts on his daughter? Or that she just took off at 18?
That isnt always true.
My sister moved out the moment she was 18 because no one would believe her actual lies. She constantly lied about being pregnant to get sympathy. She would claim our adoptive parents drugged and assaulted her multiple times, refusing to take a forensic exam every time. She claimed I beat her daily and that her bruises were just super hard to see, she even tried to use makeup once and the police saw though that in an instant. She tried everything. And it all started when she got her phone taken away for sexting some college guy when she was 15.
After spending two years with our biological mother she called our adoptive parents to ask for money and denies she even made those claims and that we are "misremembering" everything. Its quite sad.
I am on your side on this , if she still says the same after 10+ years , and you not trying to recognize it , its totally OPs fault. He is simly blinded himself , and neglected his family to the point , he hardly considered a father anymore. Even when OP speaking of divorce , the first thought was Money , assets and how to introduce it to the family, because thats what was his prioritys all this time.
For the first story, unfortunately the way the daughters therapist responded is how most child therapist respond. For the longest time, when I went as a kid, they never believed me that I was depressed, that I was SA and gr00med by my moms ex husband. Another unfortunate thing is… when a parent is absent or is just busy with work and life… it’s very easy to hide abuse, especially when it’s not physical since it can be disguised as “tough love” or like OP said, being too strict and too hard on the kids. My mom worked a lot and went out a fair amount, so, it was easy for her ex husband to prey on me. I’ve never forgiven my mom or her ex husband, especially because he’s the father of my sister, for what’s happened to me and OP needs to except the fact that his daughter may never forgive him for believing that vile women and son over her.
seriously what is up with child therapists? I had one tell me that playing pretend at 13 was a sign I might be delusional and if I didn't stop it would have negative effects on me. My big scary delusion? My best friend's house was haunted by a friendly ghost who loved me. That was it. I knew it wasn't real but I felt good.
Obviously not as horrific as yours (i'm so sorry that happened to you, and I hope you are recovering mentally and I hope your abusers suffer ) but like...why does it seem like child therapists always blame the child?
@@myheartismadeofstars because they don’t see us as people. Hardly anyone sees kids as people. They are just things and property to the parents.
This is why I’m working to become a children’s psychologist and therapist. I wanna give children a person they can trust and someone who won’t say, “you’re lying”. Children deserve someone to protect them.
My step-mom accused me of hitting my brother, so I was forced to go to therapy, I told the therapist I didn’t ever hit him she was like “it’s okay to feel jealous, but we shouldn’t lie because this is a serious situation” but I pleaded my innocence every time. At one point, I almost believed maybe I did but didn’t remember, which means my therapist almost gaslight me into thinking I did. Sometimes even now I doubt myself but I know for a fact I didn’t. Looking back, there was a lot of mysterious things pinned on me when I didn’t do anything.
Hearing all this stuff about child therapists makes me glad I was seeing a child psychologist instead. I really should have thanked her more for helping me instead of gaslighting me or other things.
1st story: I love the wife's therapist. They knew that they needed to let op know about what was going on, but couldn't breach the doctor/patient confidentiality. So they got the wife to spill the beans herself. 👌👌
I was a but glad that the therapist push the topic of letting op know first as an objective but letting op move past it with his wife together was a stupid move and a horrible choice on the therapist part, op was lied and gaslight by his own wife and son which is very toxic and you wanna keep them together, they should have suggest private session to op about moving handleing the situation without the issue( aka the wife ) being there
@@starving_since_2006 What? Why?
So the therapist KNEW about the abuse for 20 years, and the first thing she didn't do is call the cops on the Mom for child abuse?
Breaching doctor/patient confidentiality or not, if someone tells you, the therapist, that they're abusing a child or someone, that's pretty much your cue to call the cops, right?
@@CooperGal24It's a bit of a slippery slope bc of HIPPA. Depending on the state, therapists aren't allowed to report abuse unless they get written permission
@@CooperGal24
The therapist did not know about the abuse for 20 years. OP said they brought their wife to therapy in the last year and then the wife admitted in a private therapy session to everything. Admitting to a therapist about crimes in the past versus ongoing crimes/endangering someone is very different and the therapist does not have the legal obligation to report it. I don't believe they even can legally, but I am not too sure on that.
"My supporting you ended the day I found out my daughter wasn't lying." That's what he should tell his wife
Best comeback ever.
Exactly.
With people like his abusive, likely narcissistic, soon-to-be-ex-wife it is best to not give them attention. She would likely want any kind of attention and beg/demand him back longer.
"I did support you, for 30+ years, then you used my support to abuse our daughter and ruin any possibility of a relationship, I'm just doing what I should have done years ago."
But the first story's OP did not, and now he deserves to be banished from their daughter's life as do his wife and their son.
The last story: op, the ex-wife, and the mom all need to go out to dinner together. They need to start a support group called "women who deal with Dale"
Exactly what I was thinking 🤔 😁👍
They could make shirts 🤣
@@Blazeafreeze24 YES!!!
I don't know what to say, what a little beach of a guy
@@Blazeafreeze24 😂😂😂
I love how Dale literally went to complain to his mom and EVEN SHE didn’t defend him after hearing his version of the events 😂
All the women in this story were on the same page here.
Everyone with a funcional brain would be n the same page, or do you think that what Dale and Rex did was okay?
i think the main problem is dale's age, he probably saw his son more like his 'bro' instead of a son.
@@DarkHeartTheEmo You would be surprised how many people still side with their own flesh & blood even if the things they do is utterly deplorable. A lot of families still consist of nothing but conservative and entitled bias.
Dale seems to be trying to be Rex's bestie not his parent which is a recipe for disaster because if the parent refuses to parent then they never learn right from wrong or consequences for actions.
@@ponyfairyVaniaIMO Dale is just a gold digger going after her "Doctor Money"
Third story: I love how Dale was all like "My mommy loves me!! She'll agree with me!!!" And his mum was like " _sigh_ Yeah, I love you but, dude, you're being a dick. You're wrong." Good on her too!
The wife is irredeemable, even now she’s manipulating their son and further dividing their family. Additionally it seems like the son is also irredeemable since he seemingly sees nothing wrong with how his sister was treated and is still following mom’s orders.
The son is not to blame for the stuff he did as a child but he is to blame for the stuff he's done as an adult. You don't get to constantly blame your parents for you being a toxic individual.
Golden children either grow up to be monsters or grow up and end up seeing the monster in the mirror and seek to undo how they were raised. They were a child, but they were a child raised to be an abuser. Golden children are both abusers and victims. Imho it all depends on whether they repent and rectify their abusive behaviors in adulthood. I will never shame a golden child who regrets enabling abuse to protect themselves.
I'd expose both of them to the entire family on both sides and let them burn their world down. I have a feeling the wife and son would try to manipulate the extended family to side with them and I wouldn't let them get the chance
@@LilChuunosuke they aren’t innocent - after all they sacrificed someone else, in this case their sibling(s) - but their ability to take responsibility is way lower thanks to brainwashing and thus they shouldn't feel as much guilt as those who weren't "forced" to abuse. I also agree that they can redeem themselves.
If OP actually leaves for good one day I wonder how the relationship between the wife and son with go, because they might turn on each other without OP to manipulate. I wonder if there's some enmeshment going on too.
Story 1: I get the feeling that the wife was never actually going to admit to OP what she did, but because the therapist recommended admitting the abuse, she did it.
I'd say OP gets 10%-20% of the fault since while he basically enabled the abuse constantly, he was the victim of a manipulative wife and a son who hated the daughter and always sided with the wife.
Yeah, he was gaslit but I also think he accepted that because it was the path of least resistance. It meant he didn't have to actually do anything.
@@fdm2155 Not to mention he never bothered to have a camera/microphone setup with only the daughters knowledge so that he could prove once and for all his wife and son were pieces of shit.
I disagree about the percentage of blame for OP in Story #1. It should be half, since he was purposefully oblivious and didn't have the common sense to even look into what his daughter said and was naive enough to believe a "majority vote" with his wife and son. It's not about assuming the worst of someone. It's about using a process of elimination to RULE OUT the worst possibility.
OP couldn't even do that and, in my opinion, was running from the possibility albeit unconsciously. If he wasn't told the truth he would have never known. His lack of common sense isn't grounds to be pittied.
I’d say 20%, he’s an enabler to an extremely abusive person. You don’t shut down people when they feel they’re being abused
@@LunaMane I'm not excusing the husband's ignorance, but he was the sole breadwinner. Assuming he was anything like my father(also the sole breadwinner), he'd come home after 12 or more hours of work barely awake enough to eat supper much less see through lies told by his wife and son. I'm not saying this is an excuse for allowing the abuse to continue, but if this is the case its certainly more understanding
First story: What OP's wife did was unforgivable. It doesn't even matter that she showed the slightest hint of a guilty conscience by admitting the truth to her therapist. The scary thing is, that's the only reason OP found out about it. Then again, there are other ways he could have found out about it if he weren't a workaholic.
I'm so happy that Rex's mom backs OP. An ON-CALL doctor NEEDS their car. Someone could die! I'm glad the mom understands that and got justifyibly pissed.
Rex's mom and grandma
I get the feeling that OPs fiancee is the primary reason the ex and him are exes
The kid Rex needs a beating at some point
Hopefully op leaves that terrible man
He’s a shitty person for being a bad man
@@kristhebrownie I suspect OP's fiancée might be unhappy because OP used real names and did not respect privacy.
Doctor on call, NTA. Rex and his Dad are definitely AH’s. Rex’s mom NTA. Rex and his dad needs to think what if someone he loved died because OP couldn’t get to them on time . Actions can have consequences. His actions caused him to be punished. OP think carefully about the future. Your fiancé wasn’t thinking of what if. If something had happened OP could have lost her job and been sued. She would have lost everything because his son is an idiot.
My mother was just like OP's wife. Best way to deal with a narcissist is the *grey rock* method. Be as boring as possible, make your answers short and concise, go no contact if you can.
I was the scapegoat like OP's daughter and my sister was the golden child. It was textbook favouritism; people are always horrified when I give them examples of how differently we were both treated. Sadly, my sister was also one of my biggest bully, because she was brought up to do that. I have CPTSD from the abu$e. My "mother" gaslit me so bad that I got psychosis at 16. I wouldn't wish that on anyone; doubting my own sanity and having literal halucinations from all the stress I was under was the worse thing I've ever been through. I had to make a third hole in my belt because my clothes didn't fit me, I lost so much weight. I even had grey hair (I don't anymore). After I was kicked out at 17, I was dirt poor and had to eat molasses and ketchup to survive; and I was still a lot happier than at "home".
Fck narcissists.
Want to point out narcissism is a mental illness that doesn't excuse that behaviour, and there are narcissist (and even psychopaths) who behave correctly.
I am also a survivor of childhood abuse. My mom is also a narcissist. I was the golden child for a while, but tried to defend my sister who was severely abused. Both the black sheep and golden child were roles we were made to play to make her game work, and it also damaged my relationship with my sister. When my sister left the abuse fell all on me (proving that she didn't actually care more about me), but as a former golden child I stayed because I felt responsible for my mother. When I did finally leave my mother realised that if even I could cut ties she had to change and change fast before my younger sibling cut her off too. I went no contact for 5 years and reconnected with her since she managed to get her narcissism under control. She's still a narcissist, but she's not abusive to my little sister (thank fucking god), and we can actually have nice moments.
Narcissism can develop as a symptom of CPTSD. It's not the person's fault. But is is their responsibility to not let it hurt others. So abusive parents don't suck because they're narcissists, they are bad people who happen to be narcissists.
My mother absolutely sucked for letting her own trauma damage us. She was a terrible mother and a bad person. I will never forgive what she did to us because the trauma will never go away. I learned to love her as a new person after her recovery, but we're never gonna get those years back, I'll never love her like other kids love their mothers.
To all victims and survivors of abuse, I am sorry. Don't let it sour you. Treat the world with the kindness you needed then. You are more than the suffering, you deserve to find peace and happiness.
@@aldranzam3456 i absolutely agree! Often times, former golden children will become narcissists (I suspect my sister is) and people don't realize that the golden child is a victim too.
My paternal grandmother is also a narcissist, but not the malignant type. She's what you'd call a "vulnerable" narcissist. Always seeking approval and victimizing herself. She's actually been the person that helped me the most in my life along with my grandfather, even though we've had falling outs before. She's very provokative, loves to throw back-handed comments and testing people's limits. But she cares a lot nonetheless and is deeply generous. She helps a lot of people in need; some might think that's because of a savior complex. But I believe she actually just needs to feel validated, and when people tell her how good of a person she is, it's her biggest source of validation. She doubts herself a lot, seeks approval. She can be absolutely nasty but I've had 2 decades to practice handling her and her insecurities. She's gotten a lot better after our last falling out, probably for the same reasons your mother did.
It absolutely is an illness, and not an excuse to be a bad person. Just like you said. Thank you for pointing that out ❣️
I’m sorry you went through all that. I hope your doing better now though. Karma will hit them 10 fold. My brother went to live with my dad and got into the military because my mother was abusive. She kept blaming him for our fathers action and I was unaware of how bad he had it but he got into trouble when I done things we weren’t suppose to. We get along but I wish I could rid him the guilt he has . He thinks he didn’t spend much time with me but we had lots of time with each other and had fun. I’m not good with telling someone how I feel
Your mother doesn't deserve that title and your sister doesn't deserve to call herself your sister. I hope karma comes after both of them with a sledgehammer and a battering ram.
Live your best life because you deserve so much better than what you got.
Hey cPTSD friend, know that you aren’t alone ❤
Story 3: The job wouldn't even matter, Rex stealing the car would negatively impact OP to the point of possibly losing her job. And yes, Dale *IS* a bad father, and he is being childish by running to his mom after OP wrote the post.
As for why he's taking it so personally, it's definitely because Rex's actions are a gut punch to Dale's ego and pride.
I can almost guarantee that Dale's being upset with his now ex-fiance for threatening to call the cops on Rex is due to the fact that he told Rex to just take the OP's car.
OP dodged a bullet with that family. Good that she, Rex' mom and grandmother were all on the same page! Dale had a good thing and he trashed it for nothing.
I love it how three woman in his life are all saying the exact same thing and handed his ass back to him.
@@ECSDaemon - This makes far too much sense to not be true. Which would also make Rex mad at his dad as well, so the whole family is angry at him.
Or it's possible that "Dale" vented and ranted about the post to a friend or friends. A jackass like him probably has other jackasses for friends who shared the post with others. That perhaps resulted in everybody in his circle learning about the "incident" and realising that he sucks at parenting. The "gut punch to Dale's ego and pride" was exacerbated by his own idiocy.
I feel the same way Rslash feels about the first story. I hate op for enabling the abuse for 30 YEARS. yet I kinda feel bad for him at the same time. Also I think his relationship with his daughter is damaged WAY beyond repair.
OP saw the light too late and now thanks to Bitch (and that's even an insult the that word) he is probably losing his Son's life events as well (The daughter is probably NEVER going to see her dad, unless it's a funeral just to dance on his grave)
I do too but let me just say as someone who's been in the daughters shoes no amount of I'm sorry or feeling guilty is going to fix this I don't really blame my mother for what happened but I'm still angry I can totally understand where she's coming from people can apologize all they want but it will never fix years of torment and abuse trauma does things to a person that cannot be magically undone by an apology so yeah I have a lot to say on this but it would go on forever
@@cuteizombi6946 But by not forgiving, you essentially let them win.
I mean, hating him isn’t gonna help. I’m glad he can acknowledge his mistakes and at least do what is right now, even if it’s too little, too late. Many likely would not have had such an open mind, especially at his age.
@@emperorconstantinexipalaio4121 what you're saying makes sense and at least he feels something I was really young when a lot of messed-up stuff happened to me never even got an apology from the people in my life except my mom at the time I was too angry to forgive her but your comment just put things into perspective for me thank you the pain might still be there but at least my mom tried to make up for what she did at the time it just felt so messed up and insincere because now that I'm a fully grown adult she's sorry? It just never made sense to me I can never take back what was lost but I can heal a lot better now thank you
I have a bit of sympathy for OP in the first story. It wasn’t just his wife’s word against his daughter’s word-his son *and their family therapist* also lied about his daughter. Everyone who knew she was making these claims seemingly didn’t just believe the mother over her, they actively gaslit OP and said his daughter was lying. But I agree that he could have done so much more. Even if a child is lying about abuse for attention, the solution isn’t to be even less in their life. They’re lying for attention because they’re not receiving enough, or something else is going on that needs to be addressed.
I don’t know if his daughter would ever forgive him. He did enable his wife, even if it was unknowingly, and she has every right to never forgive him. But I also hope that one day they can patch things up.
No sympathy here! Op was so absent from his marriage, from his family, if he couldn't make up his own mind. He had to rely on 'majority rules'?!?! No sympathy. He's not a victim. He was an enabler.
@@lennygracelove5903let me know when he says he’s a victim, OP was in the wrong but abusers can be victims too, it’s not black and white it’s super gray, also no one is defending his actions, not even him, so shitting on him Litterly helps no one
Abuse allegations area very sensitive thing. On one hand people should believe and support the reported victem, on the other hand accusations are not proof and may not be true. If there is no physical proof it is really hard to find the truth.
@@tamsel814
In this case, he's not a victim. He allowed this to happen. Did literally nothing to fix it, based on his own post. Not to mention the fact he admitted to yelling at his daughter for lying.
He was an absentee father since day one. He saw his house in flames and refused to try and put it out. He help create this situation and can now lie in it. The fact he didn't confront his son the second he learned the truth only proves how little he cares
Sorry, victim or no, it sounds like OP is ignorant and borderline absent _at best._ That’s not much better.
If a behavioral pattern continues despite going to a therapist, then he should have gotten a second opinion and go to another therapist.
It also sounds like he relied on the majority rule rather than have a deep conversation with his daughter.
Not to mention he stated he was at work more often than home.
Maybe things will work out, but I’m not holding my breath.
I remember rSlash reading that first story a year or two ago in another video from r/Relationships. OP definitely failed his daughter multiple times, and he made the wrong choice to defend his wife. All OP can do is hope that his daughter will someday reach out to him, but because she rightfully burned that bridge when he ignored what was happening in his own home. He also needs to write off his relationship with his son, because he's clearly a mommy's boy over this.
I was hoping he had evicted him from the home since OP reported he lived with him. I want to be wrong but he may never have a relationship again with his daughter. At least he’s respecting her boundaries at this time in hopes she may reach out to him.
Honestly from what OP has put in the post the brother kind of sounds like a narcissist and the mother kind of sounds like a narcissist.
You my sir are a true rslash fan
not just me?
Glad I'm not the only one who realize it.
The moment I heard "his wife has be abusing my daughter......"
I knew i heard this story
In the first story, the fact that he didn't even try and maybe gave his daughter a recorder, maybe gave her advice to collect evidence. It just sucks that happened but he was too chill about the whole bad relationship the mom and daughter has.
This exactly.
I'd like to believe that I would have at least bought one of those teddy bear nanny cams or light bulb/fire alarm cams on the sly to see for myself.
I can't imagine just sticking your head in the sand like OP.
Maybe it's the same thing keeping me from ever wanting to get married that leads me to believe I would burn every bridge with my wife and son to protect my daughter if I found out this was going on.
Do you think maybe he did but didnt include it in the story because he was trying to keep to the main story?
A recorder yes but a spy cam for cheep public use wasnt a thing till 10 years ago i remember floppy disks 💾 i used them and im under 30
Hindsight is also 20/20, though, and not a lot of the public have been made very aware of what narcissistic abuse actually looks like. Education in the matter is an incredibly important factor to consider.
I remember my dad being present during 2 of the times my mom was hitting me, and he believed those were the only times it happened. The first time I told my dad at age 9, my 11yo brother covered for her. I told him again at age 15, and his response is burned into my brain "I can't believe that about the woman I love" then told me to "stop exaggerating" and changed the subject. I moved across the country as soon as I was able.
I'm sorry your dad was such trash.
Parents that don’t support their kids suck. After years of physical, emotional and sexual abuse by my stepdad I turned him in when he tried to rape me at the age of 15. He admitted everything to the police. My mom blamed me for him being in jail and had him back in the home as soon as he was released even though there was a no contact order. Her solution was to put me in an institution.
He had a stroke and was left partially paralyzed and unable to talk. It took over 10 years for him to die. My mom had the pleasure of providing daily care and cleaning up after her precious husband all those years. Karma’s a bitch!
@@mattiemathis9549how the hell did you get out of the institution? Those aren’t easy I’m sure. Also well deserved Karma indeed. Your SD was a sex offender and deserved a slow end
“He’s not the man I’ve known for four years”
Yes he is honey, men like him show their true colors when you enforce boundaries with them
For doctor being on-call:
I worked as a veterinarian's office and our head doctor used to work on-call for the emergency vet. I know it's not the same, but considering what "on call" meant for him a human doctor would most likely have similar rules (especially an ER doc).
He would literally have to drop everything the minute he got paged into work, no time to wrap up whatever he was doing. He had one story where he was grocery shopping and got paged in the middle of it. Luckily his wife was there to continue because he had to abandon the cart in the middle of the store. Needless to say, there is no "give me X minutes" response.
I don't know if OP was a private practicing physician or a more specialized doctor, but regardless the car being taken is a problem. Better to scare the kid and punish him instead of, yknow, him being tangentially responsible for someone's emergency/death if they called OP in and she couldn't get in to work.
First Story: I can’t stand anyone who tortures their own kids. That family therapist is useless, what kid would make up things like this? If a kid says such and such happened either a parent coached them or its true. The fact OP didn’t believe his own daugher through all this time is insane. OP’s wife really think that the relationship will be mended after years of abuse? Lmaoooo. I do respect that OP does acknowledged how much he messed up. Sorry OP was in this situation but there is no way he will be able to mend his relationship with his daughter, OP’s son and wife are absolute horrible people
Second Story: I feel bad for OP to marry someone who now revealed the fact that he is in crippling debt. To add insult to injury, this man has been cheating on OP. I hope OP can get that divorce assp
Third Story, NTA: What Rex did was theft and deserved what he got. Rex is lucky that OP didn’t call the cops the moment the keys were gone. Why is everyone getting mad at OP when she is the victim. Dale has no reason to get upset when his son literally stole from OP. Lmaoooo did Dale really go to his mom after seeing the post? Lmaoooo good on his mom for not tolerating him. Thats crazy how he is worried about his image when in reality he IS a joke and he IS a horrible father. He deserved to get his pride hurt
it isn't impossible for them to make it up but for it to go this far and op to do jack shit about it _is_ absolutely bullshit
@@eksboks148 No one would believe that under stress.
@@IamtheSpy2005 yeah but more really could have been done to be sure, just not believing the daughter period wasn't the way. you could cite the therapist but even having a psychology degree they are still human and weren't in the house to be absolutely sure that the daughter was lying
@@eksboks148 like I said either its happening to them or they were coached by a parent or someone or something
Even if it is made up why wouldn't you follow up with it and check on the home
The fact that all three women in his life tore him a new one is freaking hilarious. It's good that Op left him because if she, his ex, his MOM and reddit can't get through to him, it's a lost cause. His reaction is insane but I'm guessing it's probably his pride and not wanting to be wrong is what drive him to triple down.
First story: I just want to say that it is very possible, and even fairly common, for one child to be abused, bullied, and picked on -- the family scapegoat -- while other family members are not treated badly. The preferred child -- the golden child -- will often join in on the abuse, or will deny or cover it up. It's an ugly dynamic, and the victim genuinely suffers not only the abuse, but the lack of validation of the situation, and a concomitant lack of justice and safety in her own home. Nor is it impossible for one parent to hide abuses of a child from the other parent, and to convince the non-abusive aren't that the child is the problem, is a liar or seeking attention, or is being overly dramatic. The surprising thing in OP's story is that his wife actually admitted her abuse; many abusers keep denying culpability even in the face of discovery and being legally charged.
That's only because she doesn't want the so-called stigma of being divorced.
Story 1: Anyone else wana bet that Op’s ex wife was the one who picked the therapist. Cause she knew that if it was an ACTUAL therapist they would have learned that the daughter was telling the truth
In general, it is recommended to not attend therapy in company of the abuser or suspected abuser. Meaning family therapy was the wrong thing to do in that situation. Individual therapy for all of them, with different therapists, on the other hand could have worked.
I'm thinking the same thing here. In fact, I'd be willing to further bet that there could be a case of some misconduct in play since I think a therapist of any stripe is a designated mandatory reporter in these cases. After all, they deal with information on a daily basis that could be potentially dangerous.
So It wasn't only the OP who failed to listen, though he is now (Credit where credit is due.), but it was also the very system set up to protect people in these cases.
I bet the therapist wasn't a liscensed psychologist. Individual therapy would be recommended and abuse would have been detected.
I was thinking the same! Either it was a friend of hers playing the " therapist ", or the wife bribed/threatened the therapist to say that the daughter was lying.
You may be right about the abusive mother choosing the "therapist". A real therapist would have called Child Protective Services and removed both children from the house.
Dale is upset because he's a proud, irresponsible person, that thought he'd be living the life because he'd marry a doctor. Now he's exposed, single and homeless.
My favorite part of the third story is that Dale ran to mommy even his feelings got hurt, and his mom verbally castrated the man. Good on OP for leaving.
I absolutely lost it when Dale’s mom ripped into him after coming to her for support. Like that is your wake up call to get your act together and he still expects a car for his son. Maybe he needs to buy his own brat a car, shouldn’t he?
Yeah I don't know if op from story 1 is consciously aware of this but it feels like staying away from home was a defense mechanism. A way to avoid the problem and act like nothing was happening. It definitely feels like he subconsciously enabled everything that happened to his daughter. I'm glad he's getting therapy and I hope that he can work things out with his daughter. But he will have to accept that it might not happen. It sucks, but...30 years of abuse will do that.
I just hope that once he's able to somehow find his daughter that he can just write a letter to her about everything and how sorry he was and will understand that if she still wants nothing to do with him that's fine but at least let him know that she got the letter and read it and that'll be all. And even if she does end up talking to him (in person or over the phone) it will be her decision alone as what to do.
I think the same thing, that working so much was a defense mechanism and OP was unconsciously running away from the issue. Which also added to his naivete of the matter. He literally had no idea until he was told.
If he's serious about contacting his daughter he needs to work on his observation skills, learn a bit of street smarts and get a damn spine.
Actually very easy people to be unaware of what's going on at home, You can sit there and say I'll always be aware all you want but at the end of the day there are things going on underneath your nose that you don't know about. An extremely good example of this is one the Columbine shooter's mother. She makes TED talks about how she didn't know she's written an entire book about how she didn't know she's very open to the fact that she did not know what her son was planning to do and there was no way she could have known.
This idea that parents need to know what's going on in their house 24/7 and if they don't they're bad parents is very dangerous and it needs to stop.
@@LadyZubat nobody is demanding that parents know everything and follow their children 24/7. But if child claims that they is abused, it should be taken seriously: if child is telling truth, they needs help both to stop abuse and to heal from it; if child lies, that’s sign that something is seriously wrong and they need help.
OP took path of least resistance and believed his wife even though daughter had told to have been abused for years, even as adult, and didn’t get help to her; instead he was away from home and yelled at her. Basically he abandoned his daughter.
@@LadyZubat No. That lady knew, she just didn't want to believe it. Not _her_ angel. If she had been a good parent, she'd have stopped him.
First story left me really sad. I’m sure the daughter can apreachiate that OP finally knows the truth, but if it was me I could never trust him again. She did so good regarding her own kid tho ❤
Yeah very good momma on the daughter. She quickly shut down the relationship the instant her mother started up on verbally abusing her baby
she should stay away from the toxic family. doesnt need them
My dad died because an on call doctor took too long to come into the hospital. So yeah, people die when on call doctors aren’t available.
Edited to add: there are other legal ramifications as well- a doctor not showing up when they’re called in while on call means that doctor can be sued by the patient and family, and in some cases, the doctor can also be held liable for potential criminal charges (depending on the case and jurisdiction in which it happens).
The forst story: God I feel so bad for the father and the daughter. I mean, 2 people in their lives both abused the daughter and lying to the father. Like I can't even totally blame the dad because it's like he was gaslight. And so was the daughter. Really hope both of them can get their relationship better
I don't. He deserves this. OP is not a victim. He doesn't deserve any relationship with his daughter and grandchild. As someone who had verbal and emotional abuse from my late father. I have zero sympathy for people who abuse children and those who enable them.
As someone with a story very much like the daughter's (and who is also NC with my toxic parents and their flying monkeys), I feel NO sympathy whatsoever for the father. I will reserve my sympathy and empathy for the daughter.
And yes, I can, and totally do, blame the father. He was an adult. He had options. He made his choices. She was a child and suffered from his poor judgement. I really hope that he leaves her alone to go on with her life. He deserves nothing from her. She deserves to be left in peace away from her tormentors. (and yes, being an enabler is to be part of the torment).
@@survivedandthriving But what if the daughter wants inheritance she’ll have to talk to him eventually
@@hhluvzmagik Okay but that doesn’t really help the situation. The father genuinely never understood the severity. Yes, he could’ve dove thinks better and listened, but the point is that he did learn. He didn’t just close himself in and refuse to come to terms. Using your logic, he should’ve just continued in his ways before.
You can’t have righteousness without forgiveness/redemption.
@@survivedandthriving Okay so he might as well have not pushed to change at all. That’s really what you’re saying here. Like nothing he can do will please you basically because you, like him, have made yourself close-minded.
Last story: I love how when tat pathetic man-baby called his mommy for positive affirmation she tore him a new one, good on her.
Dale: "If you don't validate my fee fees I'm gonna go tell my mommie !"
Mommies: "Yeah, lemme explain it to you, you little prong..."
I remember r/slash reading the first story on the channel before! It’s a really heartbreaking story tbh
If I recall, it was a r/relationship vid right?
I thought I recognised it
Me to! I first tought i heard this on another reddit channel lol
Just relistened to that video last night, so it's eerie hearing it again so soon this morning. Was hoping there would be a new update, but apparently not. Very sad story.
Exactly
Last story - reason why he is so mad is because his ex was supposed to buy their son a car, and now he is pushing it onto her because she made his son "look bad"
God the first story was incredebly relatable. I’m the daughter in that kind of family, 23, still living at home, my parents refuse to go to therapy tho and my mom would NEVER admit to the abuse and my dad is in complete denial, i want them to hurt as soon as i cut contact, but i’m afraid my mother will just get angry and maybe do something illegal. Once my friends called CPS, then promptly got banned from my house so that didn’t work….
@[Маршал x Кира] thanks :)
That first story is nearly exactly the same as my own. I went no contact a few years ago and I struggle with the concept of my father being an enabler. How checked out do you have to be? Pretty damn checked out. During the worst of it I barely saw him. This kind of situation is the literal definition of "the road to hell is paved with good intentions"
In the reddit story at least, it might have been his own self-defense mechanisms kicking in. Doesn't make it any better, but it does help explain why someone might not expend the effort to care. Their own sense of self is shot, and they're probably being abused too. Maybe I'm too charitable with this kind of stuff. Anyway I wish you luck in your journey, just remember your feelings are valid and should be more important than anyone else's. Don't let anyone talk you into breaking the no contact if you don't want to.
Third story: I love how both the kid's bio mum and the father's own mom backed up OP and called them out mercilessly. That's a refreshing change - reasonable, nom-entitled parents calling out their kids for their bs.
i love it when people say ''you made me look bad'' when someone posts/talks about something that happened
they didnt make you look bad, those are your own words and actions that made you look bad, you did that yourself
yeah i never understood that. its like they think its ok to do as long as other people dont know about it. but if they dont want other people to know about it why do they think its ok to do in the first place? it confuses me to no end haha
1st story: neglect is still a form of abuse, I get trusting your partner to not be a monster, especially if youve known them so long, but that amount of withdrawal from the family, he shouldn't be surprised his kids don't wanna speak to them, even if his wife hadn't abused their daughter
Nurse here. R/ is right, when we're on call we HAVE TO go to the hospital or clinic if called upon. That call can mean that at best we're understaffed and at worst there's an emergency.
I feel.. a little bad for op.
not alot, im mostly angry that he clearly didn't see the signs or even attempted to believe his daughter.
but I can still feel just enough for him to understand how crazy the situation is.
im not defending him, just trying to give him a fair judgment with the circumstances
yeah that whole situation is really fucked
@@RatTailSoup4 I'm seeing this as someone who has been manipulated and gaslit for his entire marriage to believe this, so he in turn was in a very abusive relationship himself, but just couldn't see it
@@GamerSapss I'm also giving the son a 1% I feel bad for him feeling because he could've also been manipulated by his mom too, just not the 99% tho.
@@audreym3908 The son was likely an accomplice considering that "he was the golden child" and "never got along with her". He was pretty much given everything and anything he could ever want and his "sister" was pretty much neglected so he could get more special treatment. So when he saw his "sister" being abused, he probably went "I keep quiet and I get more shit." I'm not a psychologist but I've picked up enough psychology over the years to be able to say that much.
I feel badly for Dale's mom now that he's moving back into her house.
I hope OP and Dale's ex maintain a close friendship!!!
What pisses away any sympathy I had for Op in that first story is that he saw so much of this friction between his wife and daughter, watched her move out as soon as possible, limit her contact with them as much as possible, and go completely no contact with them after a fight… and he still believed his wife over their daughter because… why? Majority rules? That’s bullshit! Even when the abuse came out, it still took his wife saying, “I did it,” for him to finally believe what his daughter had been telling him for years.
A first good step is to change any passwords for your social media so your wife or son can't go in and manipulate anything.
Then, when you're ready, make a post saying if your daughter is ready, you could set a date for coffee or something to talk things out. Again, being ready is a 2 way street. She needs to be ready too.
i dont blame her if she never wants to. i wouldnt
@@jiogcyihsugyiocjfdoivhphvw6821
I probably wouldn't either. But I'm also trying to see it from both ends.
I grew up with a dad who was on the road a lot trucking, meaning there were long stretch that could easily turn into weeks, if not a month or better of him being on the road hauling cattle. So I can see how easy it would be for the mom and brother to do their shit behind his back and manipulate him into being on their side.
I got lucky enough to where my older sister only did typical kid shit with me and nothing more and my mom was one of the best a kid could ask for.
Just saying I can see it from both angles.
The other in the first story is a malignant narcissist. The son is as well, he was high off of being golden child. Not worth maintaining a relationship either to be honest. If the father is lucky he may be able to salvage the relationship down the line. But it’ll likely only be them.
The dad got what he deserved. I hope the daughter never talks to any of them after that. She deserves a lot better and I hope she’s happy now.
Please explain what the dad should have done?
@@urfavginga5765 once the daughters complaints persisted, he should have sat down with her and had a talk as to understand why this was happening. I understand him not wanting to believe his wife was abusive, but he shouldn't have took that in complete confidence over his daughters testimony. He could've asked her to silently text him whenever her mom gets like that so he could see for himself or given her the option to record if all it would have taken is proof.
@@Byebyebye- Well he can’t do anything about that now so it’s pointless to shame him for what he should’ve done. I’m more grateful he had the sense to finally change. Not a lot of people have open minds at that age.
@@emperorconstantinexipalaio4121 I understand but that person asked what he should of done. Now what he should do now. In an ideal world, those would have been his actions.
He is angry with himself
Story 1: I have no sympathy for the father whatsoever. I grew up with "abusive but loving" parents. I have a good relationship with them today, but there are things they did that I will never forgive them for. We also had a lot of really fun times together, but the damage they did to me affected me so profoundly that, 40 years later, I'm still struggling to live a normal life. It's tragic, but the daughter cutting them out of her life is his well-deserved punishment for being a terrible father.
So he should not have pushed to change at all and should have just kept continuing in his ways?
I know people hate RSlash repeating stories (which I firmly believe he does accidentally), but I honestly think a few previous stories he's read deserve an update here. Particularly the classic episode
"Give me your baby or I'll sue you"
The final update is absolutely bonkers. Seriously, the Karen in the story basically goes nuts.
In truth, I forgot he read this story and more so I forgot the story itself. So it's always good to hear the stories you've heard before years ago as a reminder.
Yeah, I read the 3rd and final chapter of that story... afaik rslash never put that last part in an demonitized video either, but that woman chose the guano crazy route.
Link for that story/update?
I hate rereads (and it shouldn't really be that hard to keep a database of stories you've read (urls/usernames)) but updated stories are fine, IMO. That adds something, especially if we were invested before.
As a kid who has been in a situation like story 1 NTA for dad, he may have been passively enabling BUT it was only due to false information. My mom had this issue up till I was about 10, I was being abused by my babysitter but everyone only saw the positive part of her watching me. Id be taken away or to a park to be punished in secret and with enough time for me to dry my face. I have many memories of just waiting in the back seat for parking lots to clear out to be punished and it was never my moms fault she wasn't properly informed and was being blocked from the truth as well as me being threatened to secrecy.
He didn't believe his daughter who kept the same consistent story for 30 years and always chose his wife's side, he's definitely an AH, not as big as his wife but still a very big one
@@Free_Palestine_75
Nah, people can lie consistently for years and years, the mother literally did it here. OP was basically gaslit by his son, wife, and even a therapist (a professional, by the way) into thinking his daughter was making things up for attention. OP is unfortunately also a victim.
@@TQuinn-yy9wy Kids can't and if they do them that's a clear sign if a mental illness and if the dad thought she was lying he should've done something about it instead of just ignoring her and only listening to his wife. P is a victim of his own making
@@Free_Palestine_75
Children can most definitely lie. Saying children can't lie is the type of mindset that lets children ruin lives and turns them into entitled monsters.
Regardless, if you're saying the father is a victim of his own making for being gaslit, that means the daughter is also a victim of her own making, too, since she didn't do anything to get physical evidence.
@@TQuinn-yy9wy Obviously kids can lie but they don't lie about stuff like this at least not consistently for 30 years and it they do that's a severe mental health problem. The Dad didn't even bother to try to get to the bottom of the abuse nor did he seem to care about any mental health issues he just ignored her and believed his wife.
The daughter isn't a victim of her own making she was abused and ignored for 30 years (she was a kid and you're victim blaming and abused kid... No wonder you're on the shitty Dad's side), this guy just refused to believe his kid.
Hi, Doctor here. Now, I am a dermatologist and don’t work in an ER or urgent care setting. The majority of my patients are not dealing with life threatening illnesses.
However, I can tell you that when a doctor is on call, they must be able to drop what they are doing and get to the ER ASAP. Some hospitals even have policies that on call doctors must remain within 15 minutes of the hospital at all times while on call. This is because peoples lives literally depend on them and time is critical during an emergency. The son could have jeopardized a life or worse, been responsible for someone dying, just because he wanted to go to the mall in style.
So despicable.
My childhood was extremely similar to the first story. My mom was an undiagnosed bipolar and I was the scapegoat kid as my older sis was the golden child. My dad never believed me until the neighbors told him that I was telling the truth. Thankfully mom is now medicated and not near as bad
The first story just breaks my heart 30 years of abuse that is awful
I'm replying to you because of our usernames
@@IchigoxRukia ok
I lived a life like that, so my anger towards him is so personal. My Mom would even allow abuse by my brothers.
My Dad stook up for me and stood his ground until she admitted some things here and there, but my Mom is a fantastic liar and gaslighter and my Dad's health was deteriorating rapidly when I was a teen.
But to ignore it completely??? Crimeny! That 😺 must have been really good and he's real stupid.
@@ltlredhen4177 yikes I'm so sorry
I'm guessing that dude in the last story was so upset because he was just as entitled as his son when he was his age, and still has that immature mindset.
At least the kid isn't a dad in his teen years so that's a plus, I guess.
With story 3 it is very important that an on call doctor can get to the hospital. My child was breach and our regular ob was out of town. If the on call ob could not get there I probably wouldn't be able to enjoy my son like I do right now. It's so scary to think that could have happened to me.
In the last story I feel really sorry for Dale's ex wife and his mother. Of course, I feel sorry for OP as well, but she is the only one of the three that is now completely Dale-free. The mother has to take care of her son and her grandson. And the poor ex wife was probably also a young teenager when Dale got her pregnant.
*First OP:* I remember this story from a year or two ago. I was hoping OP posted a new update, but I guess not. :/ I hope OP finalized his divorce from his wife.
*Third OP:* Now I know where Rex got his entitlement from. LOL at Dale running to his mom and having it backfire on him. OP is NTA, and I’m glad she ended the relationship.
If the first story was from a year or 2 during the pandemic and dealing with a manipulative narcissist, the divorce wouldn't go through that easily. But I hope we will get another update once the divorce papers are signed and done with.
I'm not a doctor or nurse but I do know that when a doctor is on call and when they don't show up they would not only lose their jobs but also lose their license,get a lot of fines, and being sued by the hospital
I feel bad for the girl in the first story. My older sister was abusive and my parents would step in when they could but they did not know how bad it was. My parents pay for therapy and meds but I can’t talk to them about it. They blame me for being unforgiving since my older sister has cleaned up her act but refuses to admit she did anything wrong. 🙄
First story hits home, but my parents were thankfully not as bad.
I asked my father "you want to force me back into an abusive relationship so you can be happy" and he confirmed to me, twice, that yes.
I'm amazed at the great job we've done as a society this past years to normalize therapy, and it really shows hearing all this stories of people standing up for themselves and learning to heal. Assholes who can deal with their own actions will always exist, but we can totally leave them alone to be assholes only to one another.
Now we need to normalize to find therapists that are right for you and not let the abuser find one that they can control (ironically).
Last story: Wow, a AITA story where everyone's on OP's side. Even Dale's mom called him out on his crap. My guess is this terrible joke of a father it trying to make up for not being in its son's life and that's why he's mad at you, because you wouldn't let his son commit Grand theft Auto.OP you lost nothing, and it sounds like you died a big bullet. Also if he calls you about getting his son a car I suggest going to the Dollar store finding the smallest car you can and putting it in front of the front door.
I just don't get how OP managed to get through dating this dude all the way to being engaged to him before realizing what a loser he is.
@Jimbob Jones she probably didn't get all the information. The ex wife probably should of done so sooner instead of staying out before this came up.
I always feel bad for parents who learn far too late that they should have believed their kids. It’s a hard mindset to believe a majority of people telling you that the kid is lying, but the raw hurt a CHILD feels being told that their abuse isn’t happening is gut wrenching to think about. I’m glad he’s trying to apologize without forcing himself into her life and hope they both find peace with whatever the outcome is.
Story 1: Sadly happens more than you think I was verbally and mentally abused by my mother when she didn't my siblings. My sisters and brother where the perfect popular ones and I was not only made fun of and bullied at school only to have it done at home. I spent more time in my room than out in other rooms of my house. My room was the only protection that I had.
Every woman in Dales life is a better person than he is
Last story: Wow! Just... WOW! People like Dale are the reason why there should be a license to have kids!
Agree with you on that.
My guy really said "I'm not gonna stalk her or hire a PI, because it seems invasive and would only frighten her more."
Wish someone had told my mother that. Cause he's 100% right.
2nd story, knew the plot twist was coming. You don’t *successfully* lie about going into that much in debt unless the debt is the result of a non-intoxicant addiction (such as gambling or sex addictions) and/or an affair.
The reason he was upset about it being online is because people like him fake being great parents for internet clout. Like you said, it's all about ego.
Only true rslash fans know that he's already read the first story
damn, he did this last week. It's a bit disappointing...
@@somaplay yeah, but when you've done over 1000 videos, I can understand a few repeats
Well, it was called "the best of r/Slash" at the beginning of the video to be fair.
damn really? i thought I watched basically every video but i don't remember it
maybe that's why lol
I remember that. His wife was abusing their daughter and he always stood by his wife
Story 1 - if I were OP I would write to that therapist that it turned out his daughter wasn’t lying and that they need to think about the damage they’ve contributed to the daughters mental health. I would also write a complaint against them.
Story 2 - I totally knew he was cheating even before she updated. Men only get into that much debt when the wife is preggo sue to cheating
I feel so much for the daughter in the abuse story; my situation was almost exactly the same as hers. I moved halfway across the country and am about to be homeless because I'd rather die than see my mother's face again. I'm nearly at the point where I may cut my dad off too, since his attitude is "it's all in the past now so I dont want to hear about it" (nevermind that I'm actually physically crippled from my mother's abuse, which leaves me in near-constant pain 🙄 its allllll in the past 🤡). I know OP is hurting, but he shouldnt get his hopes up of ever hearing from his daughter again.
The abuse you endured is never all in the past, and you should go NC (no contact) with your abusive relatives.
Can you find friends who are willing to help you until you are able to find a place to stay?
I hope your future will be a lot better than your childhood.
Actually, for you or me, it would not be easy to find out who Dale is, but think about the information provided about Dale (even if it is not his real name): He is 30M and has a child (16M) with his ex-wife. Meaning he had a child at 14, which is quite rare. Plus he is married to a doctor. These things may not sound like much to you and me, but to people close to them, it is quite obvious who he is...
Jesus I felt this first story. Mom tried being terrible to my children also. That wasn't happening. Only came back to care for dad his last 4 years of life bc she couldn't be bothered. It baffles me. Her loss tho.
The first story; Why? Why would a mother treat her own daughter like that then even attempting to treat her granddaughter the same way before contact being cut off? The brother, the golden child was a complete lying POS. The mother sounds more like a case of psychological problems.
In the last story the fiance seems to think the world revolves around him so the importance of anything happening is only gauged by how it impacts him. Running to his mommy, how appropriate and kudos to her for not tolerating his BS. OP and the Ex are my heroes.
Great collection of stories today rSlash, I am suitably pissed and disgusted by these cretins.
And that is why cameras in the house are a good idea, you can never trust anyone's word on how they acted. Though the father was insane to have never just hidden his presence and observed the mother and daughter together when they thought they were alone.
That last story
Willing to bet that kids friends found the Reddit post, remembered the incident, and spread it all across school.
I'm not sorry for the brat, it's just a shame he won't learn
That be freaking hilarious 😂
How cruel! I hope the wife will regret her actions now
Psychopaths never regret anything they do..
@@thetruth1816 the last part gives evidence to ☝️
She’ll never change. Hope OP keeps those voicemails for court. I’m completely no contact with my egg donour and everyone on that side of the family. She’s an evil psychotic narcissist. She still tries to get around my blocks and contact me, which really pisses me off because it means she’s still alive! ⚰️ jump in Donna and burn 🔥, for the sake of humanity! Yes, she’s that evil. Two of my siblings killed themselves by keeping in touch with her.
She won't. People like that always think they're the victim always think. It's like the narcissist prayer says;
That didn't happen
And if it did
It wasn't that bad
And if it was it
It was not that a big of deal
And if it was
It wasn't my fault
And if it was
You deserved it
no she wont
For the last story: MY mother is a pediatrician and when she is "on the call" usually means that someone needs to be transferred to a better hospital. My family lives in a quite small town so the hospital in town doesn't have very well equipped.
For the last story, multiple teens in one car unsupervised can be a recipe for disaster, as accidents are quite common, especially fatal ones.
The last story: Good thing OP ended that relationship and kicked Dale out of her house. He's a deadbeat and a manchild.
2nd story had me like “where is all his money going? A mistress?” And then the update came.
My family was similar to the first story, my dad did FIFO work and my mum would abuse us when he wasn't home, we never told him because kids never want to admit they had been in trouble. He found out after they separated when we were teenagers and he had a full mental breakdown. He would call us every night when we were kids, trying his best to keep a relationship with us since he couldn't leave his work as my mum refused to get a job. To this day she refuses to accept that she abused us, that the physical, mental, and emotional abuse was just "punishment" and "consequences for our behaviour".
A little late to listening to this video, but that first story is very close to home for me.
I'm 40 years old now, the only girl that of six kids, though I grew up with a biological sister who transition later in life. I understand your commentary but there's something I think is very important to recognize about that situation that is often either left unrecognized or people don't even realize.
The dad writing that post is speaking about the situation, and you as well speak about the situation, as if the dad is the victim... And he's not. He is collateral damage essentially. He admits to filling his schedule with work and being very hands off, claims he has a phenomenal marriage with his wife, but if his schedule was so full of work that he not only was unable to recognize the dynamic between his wife and his children but was also distant enough from his daughter that he didn't feel compelled to be her advocate despite how hard it was, I've highly question his evaluation that he had a fantastic marriage in the first place. He may have considered himself a loving father because he considered his feelings towards his children to be loving, but he seems conceptually disconnected from what it actually means to be a loving father. He's not a victim, he is a passive participant in the abuse of his daughter, and one could argue that his son was also subjected to a type of abuse, and depending on the origins of his wife's behavior in regards to their children, maybe the perpetrator of abuse against his wife, though I think the tendency is more that these types of attitudes towards one's children where preferential treatment and such tends to stem from a historical abuse rather than a current one. That is, his wife being subjected to a certain amount of emotional if not also physical abuse as she was raised, particularly as related to her relationship with her own mother or her family's generalized value as placed in women.
As I'm writing this comment, I can't recall if he actually identified how old he is, but assuming that because he's writing on Reddit and he's old enough to have adult children, he's somewhere in the ballpark of my own age or a little bit older, this is on par with this pretty standard generational traumas that we've seen in the generations of Boomers to Gen X to the older Millennial. There are some really clear through lines when it comes to the systemic bias and influences that ultimately compelled these pretty typical behaviors, and awareness is definitely key, though I think that you will find it much more likely that men from the Gen X or millennial generations are still more likely to have been raised in families where they experienced preferential treatment and grew up with the understanding of deferment, a set of expectations that typically results in a pleasant sense of obliviousness, which is exactly what he's talking about in this post.
I think it's generally a good thing that he's experiencing a sense of guilt now, but I don't think that the kind of experience he's having right now is 100% well placed and it's also unlikely to actually resolve the issues that cause his daughter to keep distance between them. The only thing that will rectify that distance will be him being willing to admit his own failings, not just about his inappropriate logic when it comes to believing her but also in his acknowledging his own active choices that directly contributed to harm.
I guess I just take issue with the idea that he would be openly identified as victim in this situation when we discuss these kinds of situations rather than somebody who is just facing the direct consequences of his choices. It was a choice for him to marry this person and a choice for him to keep distance from his family and prioritize work. It was a choice to allow his wife to have primary child wearing responsibilities and his choice to ignore what we've seen experts say time and time again about how important it is to have two parents actively raising their children if at all possible. It was his choice to sit in a therapy session they took his daughter to and allow a therapist speaking to reported behaviors as being a cry for attention and not interpret that as ultimately a cry for help, but rather take it as permission to do nothing at all. It's impossible for us as an audience to conclude one way or the other as to what exactly the therapist meant or even what they said because it's a perfectly valid thing for a therapist to tell you that your child is expressing exaggerated stories that are escalating in their details because they are trying to get your attention and have that not be a dismissal of your child's viewings, but if you take that as a therapist telling you your kid is just making it up? Well that's not what the therapist is saying in my example... My example is actually the therapist telling you that your child feels unheard and is escalating their intensity on otherwise lower level details because you're not paying attention, and he very clearly wasn't paying attention. I mentioned this specifically because I see another comments there are people who are saying that no therapist should ever say that, and I just urge people to not take an already passively permissive portrayer of abuse storyteller at their descriptive word when they're clearly admitting to the fact that they are nowhere near done with their own therapy.
The reality of it is, if his daughter felt that he had anything invested in her, if he loved her at all, she wouldn't be detached from him right now. It's mind-boggling to me that his wife would have had his daughter's phone number but he never did? All that tells you is that even into adult hood, past the age of reason and adult responsibility, he's still allowed all communication with this particular child to run directly through his wife, which doesn't appear to have been the case with his son, because he was able to directly contact his son despite the fact that he is now not communicating with his wife. I have zero sympathy for it. There shouldn't be a need for private investigator or anything of the sort because there's no reason he shouldn't have his daughter's phone number for the bare minimum of being able to contact family for notifications of illness and death. To know that your daughter wants zero relationship with your wife and to think nothing else of it but that you have a shitty daughter all the way up until your wife finally admits that your daughter is not crazy, which you've already been told by a therapist is the case because if your daughter was mentally ill, the childhood therapist you saw would have told you that it was raising from mental illness... To think now that you have any right or entitlement to communication with her when you've not bothered to once try to have a private conversation directly with her to specifically ask her why this continues? It's really gross to me.
It might be because I run in mental health and wellness circles now and it might be because I grew up in a dynamic very similar to this... I still don't have a great relationship with my parents, But the only reason why I have one it always because one of them eventually was humble enough to acknowledge that I wasn't making shit up even though they let me go for about a decade under that kind of messaging and it's still crops up to this day. I think that's one thing to have understanding for the circumstances that created certain types of people and their attitudes or choices but a whole other thing to allow them to take space in the victim role and take on that mentality when the only way they've been victimized is by the consequences of their own actions and choices. No one did this to him without his consent.
First story: you said that you've been fooled for years. Alright, let's say I buy that.
But what you did is still unforgivable. WHY DID YOU DO NOTHING TO HER "ATTENTION SEEKING"? Did you think that all your job as parent is just go out of the house from 9-5 and bring food to the table?
so what you wanted his family to starve?
Worse parenting than my dad
Jesus this man is a dunce
I believe OP because I've seen exactly this kind of thing play out before. You have one person telling the truth, but then the others involved tell you a different story.
So what does OP do? Well, he has a hard time believing his daughter, but wants to help her so they all go to family therapy. Then at family therapy he gets told BY THE THERAPIST "Oh, she's just lying to get attention."
So yeah, I do believe that OP really was fooled by the other two.
I'm inclined to agree. OP showed a negative percentage of common sense. And IF there is any hope of him patching things up with his daughter he needs to hold off for a few years to develop some before trying.
If OP was a rabbit he could be conned into buying a fur coat.
Yeah, I agree, OP deserves some blame here.
I have a daughter, and even though my ex and I aren't together anymore, I still visit my daughter. If she told me her mom was abusing her, I'd do everything in my power to get proof so I could show it to the courts and get custody.
Or, I'd prove that my ex is actually innocent and then I'd have to have a really long talk with my daughter, because wtf girl.
Either way, it was his duty as father to find out what's going on.
I had an abusive Mother, and my Father barely believed me. He fought with my Mom over things on occasion, even when she called me a liar, he stood his ground and some things she admitted, but by the time I was old enough to tell his health was deteriorating.
That Father is a horrific person, concerned with the poonpoon and not his daughter. I'm glad she left the family and he feels guilty I hope he stays in therapy and learns how to listen or he'll never be ready to reunite with his daughter.
Maybe bit harsh on this father. I know it hits close for you, but theres nothing in this story i caught indicating he knew. He left her when he learned the truth if I heard right. He also had the son backing up the mom. I cant imagine what 2 narcissists must have been like after dealing with 1(my mother), can you? I'd doubt my sanity
7h7h7h
My mom used to be a nurse and would sometimes be on call
When she was on call she had to wait to be called in to work, essentially. If she got called in it was because the hospital was busy and needed more people, or other nurses didn'tshow up. Lack of nurses or doctors can be dangerous
First story: I grew up in a very similar situation. My brother was the golden child, my Dad is emotionally disengaged, and I grew up in a horribly abusive situation. As the abused victim, I don’t have parents. They exist as people to me, but they aren’t my parents. I disagree with RSlash that OP is the victim. An abuser shows hints of the abuse. And over 30 years, if you’re paying the slightest amount of attention, you can tell what’s really going on.
My wife my tortured my daughter felt like a stroke reading this lmao
Not me spamming refresh until rslash pops up. Anyway, good morning Dabney and slashers!
Lol same XD
best way ive seen is to refresh the subscription tab right at 6 am (for pst at least)
That last story, Dale was a child. He never grew up and truly understood responsibility. This is why his reaction is so out of proportion. He's acting as if he's his 16 yr old.
Yeah that's why I don't know if it's necessarily fair to criticize him for not being in Rex's life at first. He would've been just starting high school and I don't know if I'd say anyone's an asshole for not becoming a parent before you're even 15. If Rex's mom hadn't wanted to become a parent at that age, I wouldn't say she's an asshole for it either.
Certainly criticize Dale for everything else, but not for that
First story: All I kept saying to myself out loud was "You're also at fault. You should have believed your child more! No child continuously screams abuse to the point they smoke pot like that. She was trying to cope and heal because she had no support from YOU. YOU were the problem too!" My stepfather did the same thing and enabled my mother's abuse of me, even when he witnessed it, claiming I was earning my keep by staying under their roof rent free. Regardless of that circumstance, it's never an excuse to hit your child.
I personally doubt she's going to forgive him easily at all. He was blind and can try to play innocent about it saying he had no idea and thought she was lying, but THAT is the problem. He trusted his wife more than his daughter who clearly only favored her son.
Story 1 this is what happens when you only listen to one side. Op kinda brought this on himself. Both op and his wife are trash.
The first story, even the THERAPIST said she was lying. I feel so bad for the guy. It obviously wasn’t his fault this happened. Poor daughter too, no one believed her and she couldn’t prove it. Really sucks.
I would have still been suspicious that SOMETHING was wrong. Why would a kid consistently lie about this? Dad should have asked more questions even if it was just to determine whether the daughter had a serious mental or emotional issue.
As her father and parent, it IS his fault. He should have taken this more seriously, even if she was "attention seeking". He lived in the same house didn't he?
Agreeed, there was too much evidence her, he can't really be blamed.
1: he's got the preconception of his wife that he thinks wouldn't do it
2: he never witnessed it, which probably means his wife was being carefully to hide it
3: when he did listen and got her therapy the therapist said she was lying too, so now he has a pro against her
4: his son acting as a witness, especially coming during fights when mom couldn't have couched him.
Three against one with zero evidence.
And most people don't believe kids over adults anyway, even without doctors against them
From his end it would make no sense to believe her over everyone else and his own experiences.
Poor guy got screwed.
She will probably never understand or forgive him, as is her right, but she got out and has her own kid, and he will have the guilt and betrayal just like she has the .resentment and distrust and pain.
Both are victims, and both will be damaged.
I hope they connect, but that's probably wishful thinking.
My guess is that, even if the person being "exposed" on reddit knows the names aren't real and that their identities IRL are safe, they still feel personally attacked, maybe even scared that someone close to them reads the story, puts two and two together and exposes them for real. In this case, Dale's fears were proven true when his own mother kicked his butt.
I have a similar experience of "exposure fear": a member of my family said I was too fat and that's why a lot of shirts people bought me wouldn't fit despite being XL size. I then made a facebook post showing a picture of two XL shirts, one on top of the other, where everyone could see that the shirt on top was visibly smaller than the one on the bottom, just to prove a point that not all XL shirts are the exact same size.
I mentioned no names or my relationship with them, yet the family member who said I was fat called me to complain about my post, because apparently I was "exposing" them. 🤦♂
As someone who's been abused under the roof of a parent I can safely say it is SUPER EASY to hide abuse that one parent did from the other parent. Makes the victim seem like a liar etc. Rslash you should see a few other people who have had those kinds of situations to see just how scarily easy it is to hide... Took 20 years for my situation to hit the lights
my father had little idea how bad my mum treated me growing up till my brother and I went no contact with her. She targeted our dad after that and he was so shocked.
I have zero sympathy for OP. Dude was an absentee father/husband for the entire time his wife was abusing their daughter (and granddaughter!). Sounds more like he didn't _want_ to know the truth and, like too many other men, buried himself in his job as an excuse for not dealing with reality.
I feel bad for the father because something similar happened with my dad. As a child, my mother stayed home while my dad was at work, and she was emotionally and physically abusive to me and my brother while my dad was working. One of the worst things she did to me was force me to write the Bible all night long without any sleep while denying me food and water. I don't even know what i had done wrong. Anyway, she was also manipulative and wherever my dad confronted her about her punishments she would gaslight him while filling us kids heads with lies about my dad behind his back. Then one day, she took my brother and I out of state and basically abandoned my dad without notice. I was 11 at the time, and I saw this trip as a vacation. Looking back, i feel for horrible for abandoning my dad for about six months with little contact, and I can only imagine what this did to him. My brother and I live with him now, he has since remarried and I have three stepsisters who, ironically, were abused by their father, with their mother, my stepmon, also being manipulated by her husband just as my dad was manipulated by my mom. I'm an adult college student and I have low contact with my mom while my brother has no contact. My mom has since become a drifter of sorts and she never stays in the same place for long. I text her on occasion, but i have no intention of having a relationship with her, and if i ever start a family and have kids, she will NOT be involved in their lives!
Anyway, I'm not entirely excusing what op did, but i can understand to an extent what he's going through. I love my dad, and I know he loves me. He has apologized for what happened and has always tried to be the best dad he can. I hope something similar can happen with OP, too. Anyway, thanks for reading, and sorry it's so long.
To be absolutely fair to Dave in the first story, about being an absent father until his kid was six... remember that he became a father at FOURTEEN.
That doesn't justify literally anything he did, but still, I'm not gonna be blaming a teenager for not exactly being an active father figure when THEY still should be getting fathered.
FUCKING THANK YOU. I feel like I'm losing my mind, because I'm seeing so many people here completely ignoring how fucked in the head Dale's mother has to be to bring that up as though it's relevant, as though he SHOULD have been ready to be a father at such a tender age.
He might even have been a victim of statutory rape, we don't know! But even if both Rex's parents had been minors at the time, Dale's mother's comment is still egregiously out of line.
that's what I was also thinking. I can't imagine becoming a parent right at the start of high school.