Who’s REALLY to Blame for Your Bad Relationships?
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- čas přidán 7. 05. 2023
- On today’s show, we hear about:
- A 64-year-old woman wondering if she’s the reason for all her failed relationships
- A mother worried about her daughter’s self-destructive behavior
- A wife desperate to get her financial infidelity under control
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The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel paralyzed, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well-and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!
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I love how John stops here and corrects her "you did not have a great childhood then ..." let's get it straight - our childhood wounding is what drives the rest of our lives UNLESS we become conscious ....
It's more about being the right person than finding the right person.
Or rather being the right person for the right person.
It isn't that simple. She needs to fix herself. There is no "right" person.
@@debbielockhart7762I agree. People simply are what they are. Saying someone is the “right” person is so all-or-nothing and relationships are not like that. All relationships need a lot of work for it to work. 😊
She needs to fix that need of her to fight people and take criticism in a healthy way.
If she cant do that, she will stay narcissist as she is.
Narcs need fight, argument and drama like daily oxygen.
That is a major overhaul in mindset. Needs more work. Only when she realized she has low empathy ( doesnt care about people), high conflict personality, argumentative, low agreeability...
She has to do the work and love peace instead. Not just words but action.
Second caller sounds exhausting to be her daughter. I have a relationship like that - you try to be vulnerable, be real, talk about thoughts and experiences.
And it just gets diced up, analyzed, questioned. “You need to do this, what is your plan to improve this.”
Woman, just let me be! Let me think things through, stop. Just be real with me.
Yesssss
"How do I talk to my daughter about her deception" she said deceptively
I moved out of my house at 17, moved 100 miles away and rented a room with 3 strangers, just to get out of my family’s house. I would feel ashamed to say “I had a bad childhood”.
I understand that feeling… I have felt shame for abuse I received as a child. That shame… “something is wrong with me” … “see you failed again” … is barely coming out in the open for me at age 54yr. Shame from others and myself has not been beneficial. Period.
You did what you had to. Hope all is well. whatever, it WILL get better. You are strong . Best of luck, dear.
I hear you. I’m my family’s scapegoat too 🎉❤
3.5 years no contact with 2 narcissist parents
My parents were the same, they still rarely call, we only speak when i call them. Theyve never agreed with my life choices, nothing is or ever was good enough for them.@nikstar1313
My husband and I have made a game out of our credit scores. We compete to see who has the highest. We check about every 6 months. A lovely competition.
Oh Dana, I was crying listening to you grow on the call 😭 thank you for being big enough to help us all see a better way. ❤
I’d need to estrange myself from Lynn. I’m a family scapegoat ❤ 3.5 years no contact. This woman sounds like my “mother”… I bet she has never asked how her daughter feels.
I’m so proud of Dana. I wish EVERYONE did what she just did. What a legend. Do you know how much this world would change if people became introspective and wanted to find the root of their own issues by taking accountability and trying to grow? So happy for you Dana. Good on you ❤🎉
If you are worried about being a narcissist, you are not a narcissist.
Narcissists are sensitive with corrections and healthy criticism.
Any criticism, they take it too personally, as a personal attack.
Then use that situation to defend themselves.
Narcs are defensive. Fights, arguments and drama is the daily oxygen they need.
If you place them with calm, loving people, they wont like it. They will create drama to be in control.
They are not happy people. Empty inside. Argumentative. High conflict personality. Low agreeableness
@@dianaverano7878Sounds like you've experienced a fair amount of them 😂
@@JakeStewart1343 it's already too late by the time i realized a long time male gay friend of mine fits the description.
I thought each person has a personality. But only thru watching videos of narcs I realized, the personality is not on normal spectrum.
I stayed away to this day to that friend as I want to feel safe from argumentative people now
@@dianaverano7878 My father fits the description, too! Always putting me in competition with my siblings and later himself.
He only wants me to prosper if he can take credit for it but wants me to fail if he can't.
I realized late, too!
I thought my dad's wake-up call would be 2 years ago when we lost my brother to suicide at my dad's home months after he had moved back with my dad.
(That's how toxic his energy is)
As you know, most narcissists will never have the courage to face their shadow side.
Keep radiating that beautiful energy and never hesitate to cut out anyone else who tries to threaten your peace! ❤️
@@JakeStewart1343 awesome story bro of your journey bro. Not easy. But awareness saves us all from it
Thank you.
My goodness. Thank you.
“If you win, and he loses… you BOTH lose”
“if he wins, and you lose… you BOTH lose”
Hit me in my soul.
Thank you. ❤
Strip budget. This is why I love doctor John 🤣
"If all we need in life was a textbook we would read it. But we all need relationships." Dr John Delony
Love this. As someone who always seeks to improve get better and relate better, it does highlight the need for relationships as central component.
Wow, that intro is heartbreaking! I learned last year that my husband has struggled with infidelity for the entirety of our 22 year long marriage, and before. It has been the most devastating and heartbreaking experience of my life. What she said at the end, that she feels like she has broken her husband into pieces of himself… that is exactly how I feel. Broken😪 That is what dishonesty and betrayal does it breaks us. I am now simply a fractured reflection of what I was and I cannot imagine how that could ever change now. I’ve lost every memory to this horrific betrayal. A life of lies equals a broken person.
When you choose to live in brokenness, you are giving power to the one who broke you. Between now and dead, what do you want the rest of your life to look like? Do you want to live in perpetuity as a victim or as an overcomer? Much of life is about choices.
I’ve been there!! The same exact thing happen to me - he admitted to 30 women (therapist said that was the number he felt comfortable telling me) including my best friend. It’s been 11 years now since our divorce. The best thing I ever did was read the book “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. I had a therapist tell me I wasn’t mourning my amazing husband (bc he wasn’t who I thought he was) but I was mourning someone that never existed. It really really sucked but for some reason it was easier for me to accept that the person I married and was in love with never existing than thinking that this wonderful man went off the deep end. After more than a decade, I’m so glad I didn’t live the rest of my life as a part of a lie/fantasy. I own my life now and it’s real and I create my own reality. Whatever you do, learn about yourself and do not start dating for a few years. You may be blinded by what you’ve gone through to not be able to see other unhealthy people for what they are (I had this problem but couldn’t see it at the time). I wish you joy and happiness!!! It is possible. No one deserves this and I know what it feels like to feel that an imposter stole your life from you. Go build something better and thrive!! ❤
I pray for both of your hearts, would be amazing God making this test and one day making it to a Testimony
I am so sorry that happened to you! I am heavy hearted reading this. May God richly bless you during this season ❤
@Kimberly Smith well put! Great advise!
Dr. D - on fire for the callers today. Whaaahow. Spot on! Grateful for this inspiration. Thank you, Team Deloney!
My ex husband would have been a yes for all the questions John asked the lady. He believes people are FOR HIM to be happy , and he’s entitled to everything he wants.
Ahh just like every woman out there... Their EX are all narcissists 😂
@@randybobandy9828ahhh said like every immature man who intimately knows what it is to put accountability on the entire population of women 😂😂😂
Maybe because he was a high value man
@@JD-xm3mg high value men are not parasitic and exploitive, especially those in their inner circle. This is a weird cope I think someone who probably claims to be logical should be able to see is ridiculous.
@@JD-xm3mg *especially toward those
Ok..although this lady was completely out of order in her marriages, nonetheless she’s finally woken up to her role in the undoing of these relationships, she’s finally revealing the truth and hence she’s ready to start healing 😊
Just discovered your youtube show. I've always loved watching you on the Ramsey show. So incredibly excited to listen to your wisdom more often now! It was a great show today. Thanks for all you do.
Wonderful show, Dr. John! I love the song you picked for the outro 😊
Probably the best episode I've listened to
Combine the first and the last call and you pretty much have my marriage described in detail.
Loving the Underoath shirt, Delony! 🤘🏻
You said she was 25 . You are talking like she is 16
Perhaps she's chronologically 25 but, in terms of emotional intelligence she's 16.
@@peterlee584 exactly
Love the Underoath t-shirt!
Great show!
If someone betrays you, leave them. Its simple.
35:13 great perspective here imo. I’m Lynn’s daughter in my story, and I saw but didn’t understand and hated my mother’s lying, like all kids I was taught that lying is a sin, I didn’t have the words to describe it as it was and still barely do tbh, but I detected and figured out at a very young age that her lies were manipulative (she lied profusely to other adults, and was extremely judgmental, disrespectful, said very ugly things - many were lies I found out later on - behind anyone and everyone’s back, even my dad’s, I was too often ‘in’ on her lies as I was upgraded young to being her therapist, of all kinds, to unload emotionally.. she prob thought I was an idiot to do all this openly with me and I wouldn’t figure her out.. which jeez Louise.. as I’m typing this, I’m realizing that’s prob why she went all in on me as she did as I grew up, as I became oppositional, confrontational, independent, argumentative, educated, and started to emotionally connect with myself, as I understood I wasn’t crazy for feeling how I felt, as I was figuring out and accepting my own personality, wants, needs, goals, and set of values despite her best efforts… she was losing control over me, and since I was an extension of her, she felt - and emotionally responded to - as if she was losing control of her life, which ironically lead her to do something that could’ve put her behind bars and would shatter her dearer-than-me reputation.. uh, she’s a walking self fulfilling prophecy lol)
I knew, as far as I can remember since I was 3, that she used lies to hurt me very badly, she very early on got me and kept me caged up by relentlessly mischaracterizing me to everyone behind my back as a child, to all my family, teachers, doctors, coaches, and constantly to me. She heavily physically abused me to keep her lies, especially to my dad. That was the sad model of a woman, a wife and a mother I grew up with.
I luckily had friends and teammates with great moms, great coaches, great female teachers all open and honest enough about their lives that I had access to other models, so I picked up on what I liked about them, what was different with what I liked and why I liked it, and since I knew I could only grow and get there by myself and that the work I needed to figure it out was deep, I spent countless hours thinking about what I thought made them (more) valuable, made them a good mom and a good human being I appreciate, about why they’re like that, what’s different about them, about their character, whats their values, their belief systems, their morals, etc.. which explains why she was such a b!tch, hated and kept herself isolated from all my friends’ moms for absolutely no rational reasons. I understood also quite young how she always was in competition and acted immaturely with *every* other females whatever their age is. She wants to be the Queen in everyone’s eyes, because she too empty from the inside and can only feel valued by other’s validation and praises.
That’s a sad existence, but on endless amount of occasions, she chose it.
Every time she lied, she chose it.
Every time she beat me up to keep her secrets, she chose it.
That’s why, now that I’m a grownass women and mom, that’s doing better at it, she gets no sympathy from me.
That’s why today me and my children, from their own will and from making their own decision, don’t trust them, don’t want anything to do with them and as much as it was safely offered so to them, at 14 and 16 now, they refuse to have any form of contact with them even though it comes with losing many privileges they know I can’t afford them.
That’s why I will never forgive her nor forget the day she attacked me, chocked me, and thought it would be ok, simply for saying my truth to her, for being honest about what I thought of her, and for standing my ground about needing to divorce after doing their best to manipulate me and coerce me into accepting his abuse and staying married… because she hates divorce (hides jealousy), they both hate divorce, divorce is ugly, ugly people get divorce, meaning divorced people are ugly and their sad and fragile ‘reputation’, aka ego, aka lifelong game of lies, couldn’t bare it.
Hope no one reads all this… if you did, hope you’re in therapy 🤪😂
Thank you
This is awesome. 👏🏼👏🏼❤️❤️
Reppin the underoath shirt heck yeah!!!
Oh hey john; my two favorites: other peoples problems (definitely obviously never relatable😅) and linguistics.
Yessss.🎉
Impulsive spending can most definitely be caused by her pineal gland tumor. I know I’m late to this but please tell your doctor about what you’re struggling with. There might be something they can do to help.
Without more info, it sounds like Lynn is used to an Authoritarian parenting style (high expectations / low connection). This is most common in military families, conservative/religious, larger families, etc... and I sincerely hope Lynn is picking up the idea that people crave authentic, vulnerable, real relationships (esp from parents) and kids will not only search it elsewhere, they'll resent the vacant parents and disregard their demands once they have the autonomy to do so.
FYI: that definition of narcissism is fundamentally wrong. You just described like 50% of peoples’ normal natural preferences. That’s not narcissism.
I identify with the 63 year old. The dam rebel inside
Toxic as hell
Dr. John, what is your score currently on the ace test?
I sympathize with the daughter in Florida. I had a similar upbringing, but add in church stuff to it. The problem is with parents and their dysfunctional upbringing.
Same. I basically grew up with a broken heart and an inability to truly believe in myself or choose what was best for me. I did whatever others said I should until my entire life was unfulfilling and I almost had a mental break.
But I get a little better every step of the way since I realized the root of my issues. Practicing how to really honor, love, and take care of myself has been so powerful. But it took so long bc I had very little support. Support your loved ones, people!! We need real connection, not empty shells.
Shes not a child.
We are responsible for allowing others to treat us badly. Found that out decades ago. It's true. Go to counseling. I only know about USA. THEY have affordable counseling. If you you don't like the counselor, ask for another. They will accommodate i. Wish everyone happiness
She's me!!
It's not shocking that someone is divorced 3 x especially if she was out of the house early. Many women marry for financial reasons as well emotional security but go frim relationship to relationship and yes she certainly has her problems but she likely us picking people out of desperation n then freaked out when thinking heres another relationship that is not working so she n perhaps he even makes the situation worse. The reason i don't think its All her is that she is very open minded b has great relationships with kids n grandkids. She should have asked her kids their opinion. It's odd that her friend is done with her as well but again i feel there's more to this story.
I give Dana alot of credit but im not so sure this was Johns best handling of the call. She mentions she has been married and divorced 3 times.and jas couple kids m grandkids.. No mention of how long each marriage lasted n when her first was and when her last ended. But lets assume 19 at rhe earliest and the last one ended few years ago nc she said she has dated and had relationship end in between those marriages as well as since the last and is even now in a relationship! I dont know what she looks like at age 63 but unless she is stunning, she must really be going way out of her way to meet men. Internet most likely as she doesn't seem to have a big social network..Most people will tell you that online dating is far from easy but younger people who have never been married or perhaps never been in love or a serious relationship are usually farm more motivated and have the energy to put into such an endeavor. It woukd not surprise me if she gives off a desperate vibe and also has very low standards for the men she is meeting. It is more difficult at this age to even find a guy who is interested as generally men are more interested in women who are several years if not a decade or more younger..Is this woman never without a man bc that is the only place she js still getting her self worth from? Yes she also mentioned that she has lost some friends but he never went down that path. She mentioned a former best friend who no longer wants anything to do with ner and this obviously saddens her.. but she mentioned sje had good relationships with her kids m grandkids. So definitely not a narc and might not really be a rage filled right fighter as John seems to be suggesting and even she kinda going along. I don't see how she could have such good relationships with the kids n grandkids if she were. She also initially responded that she had a good home n childhood but of course just a few quick questions on John's part blew that narrative up pretty quick.Not that it was terrible but not quite what she has told herself or been led to believe. Its amazing that she has been to therapy and still no insight on this. I would have asked what the grown kids think is the common denominator or theme running through all of her marriages and romantic relationships as it may quite different than the issue with her friends. There was also no mention of work.. She strikes me as highly suggestsable to blaming herself as again sne didn't blame her parents as some do and even wondeder if she was a narcissist. Very few people wonder that...even the narcissist lol.. Most people get defensive at least initially and there are many people who get angry and many of those people are still married or divorced once possibly twice. So while this always something to work on I just think there's something else going on. The fact that she said she is trying so hard and really wants to make her current relationship work out which even he remarked on,makes me think she has invested too much of her self worth in these romantic relationships and when she thinks its going to ne another failure or he's going to leave it likely brings out the worst in her. I think this is what she should get back into counseling for but with a better counselor. What exactly did she fet from the other one and how long did she go. I am rooting for Dana. But please ask you kids what they think. They obviously love you so probably give you the truth in a kind way..Shes certainly not doing everything wrong if she has good relationship with the people who are n should be the most important to her. Id suggest she journal srarting with this line: If i choose never to date again n have no man in my life,my life would be..... and i woukd feel....
Thanks for the analysis
I really like listening to Dr John alot. But I can't help but feel like there is this false sense of support for the people that call. What I mean is, for instance, he consistently tells people to "call me back, let me know what happens". But then he will mention that he doesn't read any of the emails or listen to any of the voicemails to keep the conversation "spontaneous". Maybe I am nitpicking, but I just can't help but put myself in the shoes of a caller. Thinking I've been really helped and Dr. John really wants to know how things went, but then realizing her never got to read any of the emails I send unless it gets through his "people". Am I misinformed about the way this works? I am honestly quite ignorant about how something like a radio show/podcast works.
I agree. I also often hear him say things like „I love you” etc. I think in this types of calls with people struggling so much there’s a line that I often think gets crossed.
@@AgaKirchneryes he tells people to call him anytime but unless he's doing it off air I just don't think it's happening
I've heard him ask his staff if they have heard back from people, I think emails and voicemails are delegated.
She's 25, she's an adult.
Who has a mental mindset of a 16 year old and if no one intervenes shes going to be in a world of hurt real soon.
@@crzyruskie86 You can't intervene. They have to allow it.
She IS an adult and just like any other adult needs someone to intervene and share vulnerability, love and support. NONE of us can do everything all alone … we ALL need someone at some time to step in.
It’s irresponsible at this point for her mother NOT to step in … like you would do for someone in deep depression… you don’t let that go … you lovingly address it so the person doesn’t continue to harm themselves in bad choices and doesn’t get to wanting to unalive themselves.
@@tinam761 The mother cannot do anything. She made her way years ago and she's an adult. She isn not the one calling in.
@@elainenilsson5472 the mother ABSOLUTELY can do something… sharing her heart and opening up can open the lines of communication. If the 63 yrs Dana (first caller) can change … a 25yr old can learn and develop too. She didn’t call in, however many people in a difficult spot in life don’t reach out for help … though they may be open to it when it is offered. The mother talking to the daughter at least is a step in the right direction for both. It sounds like daughter is having a rough time. Maybe what she needs is to not feel alone … to hear from her mom that she’s not perfect and has had difficulties in life.
You don’t just stop being a mother when they are over 18 or graduate college. They are adults, who also need support and can give guidance… including… I see you’re having a hard time. I want to share some things I’ve been through maybe you can relate to some.
The absoluteness that the mom can’t do anything… or should not try … is just not accurate.
She's trying so hard to make it work... or get a 4th husband. I felt the convo boosted her ego some more like she is "right".
2nd lady is not built to be a mother either!!? Oh my gosh.. wtf is wrong with these people????!!!!… so triggered this is the norm way of parenting omg
Asian parents are like this. You DO this and I might love you. ❤