The “cool girl” exterior and REAL ME interior was absolute agony for me. Years wasted and loads of abuse along the way. I finally said enough was enough. I sat the next potential partner down and put everything out on the table right at the start. Told him all of my dealbreakers and asked for complete honesty and respect in return. I told him that I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time (his or mine). We waited months before being intimate for the first time, despite pressures around us. And we took the time to get to know one another. We’ve been happily together for 12 years now. So relieved that I finally allowed MYSELF to surface and call the shots in my life. Doubts still creep up from time to time, but that’s why I continue to seek out information and do the necessary work. I no longer let them take over and mask my TRUE SELF.
I don't get this whole pressure around us thing, as if is a good thing to jump into that. I am glad you guys waited. Back in the day most people were intimate after exchanging vows and committing for life, and I think that saved a lot of people from getting used over and over again. Too bad that sort of things is now seen as "backwards". I guess I should thank Hollywood for that.
Honestly, watching you, Patrick Teahan and Dr. Ramani for free on CZcams has done more for me than any therapist I’ve paid to see, and I’ve probably seen a dozen or more over the past 30 yrs. Thank you so much for what you do.
The "Cool Girl" is the biggest fucking scam. I spent so many years trying to be the cool girl and neglecting what I actually wanted or what I truly felt. When someone says they want a cool girl, they just mean they want a doormat. Now I'll be as extra as I naturally am and my future partner will like it. 😌
as a black man who is also old ive noticed the similarities to the good one. any poc know about this. its the same thing. anytime a group of people want to single you out as the minority good one of the bunch, its trouble on so many levels
I can't believe how long it took for me to see that i didn't need "the cool girl". I can lay her to rest, RIP she was trying her best but was doing all the wrong things.
All my life I've tried to be 'understanding' and make no demands, but that has got me a total of nowhere! Men don't respect that, they see you being super nice and just walk over you. You don't have to be a b.tch about it but putting up with disrespect and inconsideration is fatal.
Yeah my Dad used to flirt with waitresses in front of my Mom and us kids whenever we'd go out to dinner(note: I'm adult now). I always felt it was gross and disrespectful, even when I couldn't really articulate it or complain about it, being young, awkward, and afraid to criticize. To me it implies insecurity: the need for attention, the need to assert dominance and power, to assert sense of entitlement, etc. And, as you might expect, it never stops there: he cheated on her. So, Kim- you did well to put an end to it. My only advice for future would be to drop any man who flirts in front of you like that immediately. Because if they do that at the beginning, it's not going to stop.
Absolutely right! If they flirt in front of you at the beginning, they will continue to do it. That stuff feels terrible to experience for most people. Now that I'm slightly more aware, I just won't tolerate it. If they want an "open" relationship, they can date someone else. Some people genuinely don't mind, but many people try to convince themselves they are ok with it.
Thanks, y'all. The other thing I meant to mention is that it also puts the waitress (or other service staff, barista, etc.) in a tricky position: if they're perceived as being receptive to the flirtation, then they'll risk disrespecting the gf/s.o./wife with the man who's flirting; but if they don't just suck it up and play along, the man can become obnoxious about it, too(e.g. not tipping, or accusing her of being too uptight or taking it too seriously). Obviously, service staff have to put up with all types of crap, and I know that most of them are amazing at treading that fine line (because many of them also grew up in a family in which you learned to 'thread the needle' to keep the fragile peace?). But still...they really shouldn't be put in that position.
@@Jasper_the_Cat you are so insightful! The empathy also for the wait staff is refreshing especially in this world too. I'm so glad you shared that. I used to be wait staff and I had to learn to toe the line in order to get tips and ugh. It made me feel icky.
Thanks for all your help . In 96 I was divorced , she said I wasn't any good at singing or guitar playing . In 2000 I won Glasgow ( Scotland ) Songwriter of the year award .
I was almost the "other guy" for a narcissistic woman. She was a high school "friend," and she invited me over to her house to watch movies, in so many words, "when her husband isn't around." I knew her well enough to know exactly where this was going, and I wasn't going to take the bait. But it wasn't the obvious potential intent. She knew I was not going to get involved with a married woman. What she really wanted was to make her husband look stupid for getting upset that she was hanging around with a totally innocent friend when nothing inappropriate was going on, so she could gaslight and shame him for it in her manipulative machinations towards him. And in order for him to look stupid, she needed to invite a man who actually wouldn't get involved inappropriately with her, thus why she chose me. I knew her long enough and well enough I saw straight through this, and declined. About a week later, she sent me another email, telling me how stupid her husband was for getting upset when he heard she'd invited me, when nothing inappropriate ever happened. So what this meant was, she didn't choose a "safe" man to hang out with because nothing would happen. She chose a "safe" man only because it would make her husband wrong when he got angry, so she could manipulate at him. I told her never to contact me again.
I went on a first date with a coworker and he spent most of it talking to the waitress, I walked away and never looked back. He wasn’t that into me and after that, I wasn’t into him
One good response that always works is to respond with, "sure, we can have a threesome, but we're gonna start with 2 guys". I sit and watch him squirm uncomfortably and protest that he doesn't want too anymore. And then I begin to do that feminine thing where I slowly leave the relationship, first emotionally, then mentally, then physically. I just can't respect a guy who feels like I'm supposed to be his community property.
@@lorimiller4301 Agreed. I actually enjoy allowing my inner B out to play, when it's warranted. Tends to make life a little more interesting and less boring. And I feel more authentic, as well. We're allowed to have feelings and flaws.
@@elipotter369 I haven't run into that scenario. In my experience, even the bi ones have lied to my face to cheat on me, yet still trying to lock me down as their girlfriend, knowing I'm a monogamous person that doesn't share. Guys are too territorial. And even if they did say yes, I'd still end up leaving. Threesomes gross me out. And I instantly lose attraction when I find out it's what my partner wants, or suggests.
@@transitionsnc Exactly. Those people aren't ready for the rigours of an actual relationship, with compromises and sacrifices and the actual need to put in effort and work to make the magic happen.
@@transitionsnc You're welcome. I can imagine it was hurtful for you. Being used in a situation like that never feels good. If he seriously had wanted to help her, or give her an experience that she was curious about, he didn't even need to be part of it at all. Just let her have her experience without expecting anything in return. Unfortunately, that's not how the cookie crumbled, and it sounds like he at least ruined a good friendship. He is the one missing out though. You deserve better friends.
"Wouldn't your parents have loved it if you needed nothing?" Wow, really hitting home there. I tend to play the cool girl too. I used to think people would see me as easy going and open and that would make me more likeable. I see now how that only attracts the wrong kind of people that only want to manipulate you for their own good and hidden agendas, it's painful and self-destructive in the long run. Thank you!
My first memory is being hit pretty badly cuz i didnt know what sarcasm was and when told to kiss moms ass i did...i was too young to know not to i just wanted to please her and be a good girl...im trying to heal me and my kids, as i never knew how to be proper to them...i didnt hit them but abused them in other ways i didnt see at the time. ALL I NEED IN LIFE IS TO FIX WHAT I HAVE BECOME FROM THE DAMAGES IVE EXPERIENCED AND THE VICTIM MINDSET IT GAVE ME IN THE BEGINNING.
‘We would rather attack ourselves as crazy than realize that that person is no good’ @12:27- this is worth it’s weight in gold!!! Well said!! How many of us do that just to have someone in our lives ! Thanks for saying that
Yep. And they always call us crazy for asking perfectly reasonable questions. We're not crazy, they just want us to think so in order to deflect from their cheating and their irresponsible behaviors.
I just had the same realization today! A stranger treated me bad, and off I went on self attack for an entire night! Later on that day, I started usig my mind remembering the red flags during our meeting. Great lesson learned! Always look at what people do, versus what they say.
This guy had several massive red flags starting off with asking for that woman's number, then meeting up with the new woman whilst still dating the OP, then suggesting a threesome! Horrendous, what an asshole. It sounds like he tricked her into thinking he wanted a committed, monogamous relationship when in fact he didn't. I'm very glad that she dumped him, she 100% did the right thing. I hope she goes on to find a great man who treats her with respect and stops doubting her intuition.
To be fair, it doesn't sound like he tricked or lied to her. She didn't say that he ever said that he wanted to be exclusive - she may have assumed it but that isn't the same thing. In fact, it seems he was pretty open about the fact that he didn't want to be monogamous. I agree that she's 100% better off without him though...
@@suzy1750 he knew she didn't want it at some point, she said "crying", but kept asking. If he didn't have any ideia he could tell her openly that he was with the girl, but he said it knowing it was a problem to her. She said it was triggering. Total jerk. Kept pushing a threesome. No respect.
@@suzy1750 I disagree. I've been on and off dating apps for a long time and unless people state they want a casual or polyamorous relationship, or just nsa sex, the assumption is still that people are dating for monogamy. To imply that we have to continuously confirm we want monogamy is bizarre and disingenuous. The OP commented earlier, she's deleted it now, but she stated that this man had asked HER to be monogamous very early on, and had even introduced her to his family. So he'd fast forwarded her and future faked her, then tried to shame and coerce her into a relationship where he slept with other women and even get her to engage in a threesome. This is abusive, boundary violating behaviour. Anyone behaving like this is a narcissist, this kind of behaviour needs to be called out, not normalised.
I have learned a phrase that worth gold: "That was not nice." You set a boundary without pointing fingers and without feeling that you are being nasty. It's a way to express something is wrong and that needs to change. And if the other is not responsive you can have sure that they don't value you. Try it out. It's worth it.
That's the dream. To first have a relationship and then be sexual with them to further strengthen the bond. I've stuck to this new standard and waiting on the right person to come into my life ❤️ Feels so good to be regulated and know that what I want is perfectly normal and possible! 🧚♀️Thank you Fairy 😊
I’m a 47 ye old man and I feel the same. Deep friendship with intimate sharing and individual interests with a shared sense of values and beliefs. I’m finding this with myself first, so I have a bounty to share with another. This is enabling trust within myself to then broadcast that frequency out there.
He ALREADY had that girl picked out. Betcha, betcha, betcha. He PLANNED to go to that restaurant and have that girl wait on you two. I WOULD BET ON IT.
I also have CPTSD. I never lost my voice in asking for what I need/want....it's just that the answer is always "NO!". First from my mother "My will is stronger than yours, my dear. You will never win against me". When I got married I had set the bar way too low. He was able to win me over by offering crumbs. But after when we were married and I expressed my needs, he said "Not going to happen." Once he even said "What's in it for me?". When I realized he was treating me like my mother did, despite pretending to dislike her and initially acting completely opposite, I lost trust in him. Finally got to the position where I could divorce him. Ironically, my mother said she hated him during the beginning of our marriage when he was still treating me well. When he became abusive, my mother changed her tune and said she had absolutely nothing against him. They even kept contact after I divorced him!
Whoa wtf wow don't worry thou people like that are honestly never winning at life. I'm sorry you had to go through it. They are disgusting, don't take it personally its just their character pathetic and malicious. Takes joy in bullying others because they themselves haven't healed. Leave them alone. They suck at life. They'll make yours a hell too.
🙌🏽👏🏾I'm praying for healing & strength so that you meet someone with better intentions for your life. I know it's hard.💪🏽💪🏽 When we heal and recognize and still get crumbs.🤦🏽♀️ It's been five years for me. I'm still learning.🤕💪🏽👏🏾🙌🏽🙏🏽😆😉
One of the most irritating forms of emotional abuse is the "I am just going to pretend you already consented to this" game which always occurs in public, in front of people where you would be embarrased to make a fuss, putting you on the spot every time feeling like your the one who has the problem. If you follow up later out of publics eye to be polite you get gaslit or dismissed or even smacked down if they are feeling nasty. I endured this so many times. I think my own behaviour may tie into Good Girl Syndrome somehow, to be the 'cool girlfriend'. Im over it. I have been there and seen many others do it too all getting hurt it making fools of themselves for a selfish person. Adults who have actually have alternate lifestyles behave like adults believe it or not. I have socialized in these circles too and its entirely different because people talk about whats going on they dont try to trick you or anything. Everyone is on the same page and in agreement. This guy is a person likely unwelcome in those circles (if he ever tried to be in one) as he would break the rules of engagement for his own gain, or just feels the need to be the one in charge making up all the rules. Now, you still have to learn to speak up more and demand clarity as you see red flags pop up, but this guy is just a selfish jerk who doesnt care who he hurts to get what he wants. He doesn't have to do that.
Exactly Evonne; in true 'ethical non-monogamy' circles, the 'ethical' is real and alive. These folk could teach a lot of the rest of us about how to behave well.
Ouch, when you said: “I am good, I need nothing. Wouldn’t your parents have just loved it if you needed nothing!”…um, yeah. That exasperated sigh of being a burdensome bother to the parent for needing something that is NORMAL. Like how dare you exist to be a bother to me! Frankly I am kind of angry I didn't get this information when I was young...before I made all those really bad choices. Mid-60s are a bit late for me. Glad I'm getting it now though. Helps me heal. Thanks.
Hearing someone else doing what I do, blame themselves for someone else's actions, in the letter you're reading, Anna, is making me cry for how many clues I miss.
Sometimes a partner will suggest a threesome to negate responsibility for sleeping with someone else. If the other partner agrees then they get a hall pass and get to keep the relationship they are in whilst also sleeping with another person.
It saddens me how easily gaslighted we are as abused individuals. But it’s delights me to know we have resources like this to maintain trust in our instincts and intuition
A lot of people are commenting on the “cool girl,” and as a “cool girl” of CPTSD, I can 1000% relate. But even more profound was hearing you, Anna, telling this doubtful person that she is real woman. As a neglected child of CPTSD we are so programmed to be invisible that simply humanizing and validating this individual’s existence, rocked me to my core profoundly and made it even more unexpectedly personal.❤️ Thank you
YES!! I absolutely know that once s*x is involved, I'm hooked! I find myself imaging this awesome relationship. Meanwhile, I'm completely outta touch w reality. Then I watch our repore deteriorate and crumble bc I'm not present. Then I wonder what happened. Have been doing this for years. So glad I can recognize this pattern!! 😌
Oh, I can so relate to this woman’s feelings. I was not in the exact situation, but recently cut ties with a man who really wasn’t showing up for me. I felt guilty and like I had just overreacted to a situation where he was clearly showing interest in another woman. You are very right, though, Anna. I was too afraid to speak up and say what I really wanted, but the whole thing felt very icky. I feel like I am so old to just be learning how to date, but so very grateful to have found you, and have a chance to learn now!
Learning how to date for a highly sensitive person, for someone with CPTSD, for being over 40 because grown-up men are different than when you dated in your youth 😳 OMG it IS SO much work! After years of SO much work to heal 🤦🏻♀️
I was married for 31 years to an abusive man and a narrisst! I always was in denial about my husband flirting with waitress because he told me he loved me! I know he was screwing everyone but me when I look back! When someones words dont line up with their actions its manipulation!!! How stupid was I???
One of my exes suggested we make our relationship an open relationship with set boundaries. I reluctantly agreed to this but even those boundaries were eventually "too restrictive" and he crossed the line. For me, it was instantly over. In retrospect, I should have listened to my gut that *I was not ok* with ANY form of open relationship. Kim, my heart goes out to you. I had similar childhood upbringing issues (emotionally absent father, emotionally abusive mother). It's great you reached out to Anna. I hope the feedback helps.
There is something very clear-cut about someone who cheats even in a non-monogamous context. Absolutely despicable. I'm glad you know your boundaries, now. Nobody should be dragged into nonmonogamy just to appease someone else.
What if you are too old to recover? It’s sad to have to grow old alone because of a stolen childhood and then the consequential relationship failures that plagues your life. Until you finally realize you are all out of do overs. Its too late. Im so glad that knowledge is so available now so that lives dont have to be wasted anymore. There is so much hope for the walking wounded now. Thank you for offering solutions and hope to lost and hurt human beings.
It’s never too late to invest in yourself. Sending huge love to you, because I know you can and will take the first steps. You already have by posting your comment.
Lynda, it is never to late...I know of 2 people in their 90's who met in a retirement home and fell in love and got married...there is a growing number of people who live past 100!!! Your picture looks pretty cute...
Yeah, if he genuinely thought the waitress would be just a friend, he probably would have said to the girlfriend "do you like her? maybe we should invite her to hang out?" Frankly, I'm not interested in committed relationships with men have who a bunch of female friends hanging around. In a group or a couples date, sure. Otherwise, that's what you call an orbiter. No thanks!
Me too. It's an instant no if a man has lots of female 'friends.' From past experience it usually means they've either dated them, slept with them or they want to sleep with or date them in future.
The title sums up my life perfectly. My brother didn't make it. I'm clinging on by a thread a lot of the time. As someone on this channel wrote - we'd rather call ourselves crazy rather than admit how bad things are in our family. Many many thanks to people on here who write things that help others. Just by your honest observations and comments, you help. Your comments really help.
Oh boy, I've had this kind of doubt a lot in my life, and yes, with disastrous outcomes. I think we do it because we don't want to be the controlling abuser. At least I know I used to be very compliant because I didn't want to force my wishes and worldview onto someone like others did to me. That's why limits get so fuzzy.
This has been a pattern for me my entire life not only in romantic relationships but also when trying to make friends. I’m slowly rebuilding my filter.
Absolutely. Often times trauma survivors do have good intuition and I think Kim was spot on here. She did well by leaving and not trying to force a threesome or poly relationship to work.
You Did Right Kim. I grew up in a Crazy way a mother not emotionally here dad never around i was raped at age 6, molested by my own grandfather from ages 9-11.Boy i have had a hard time growing up,, i am age 64. i have came a long way. I still struggle some.. my life has bern riddled with CPTSD. Thank YOU FOR THESE Videos!! Kimi am proud of you!!
I'm a polyamorous person in a monogamous marriage. We are both open, honest and respectful of each other's boundaries. He was not respectful and CHOSE to ignore what are very clear cues. You were classy to do what u did. Kudos to u! Im proud of u for putting your foot down and full blocking.
This triggered a flashback to a conversation I had with my ex when I told him how uncomfortable I was about his behaviour and he kept brushing it off and insisting he loved me. And then I said, 'I don't think you love me, you just haven't found a new person to get into relationship with yet'. He told me to eff off and we stayed together another year or so until he finally lay us split up and few months later his new girlfriend was pregnant. The trouble with all this is that the whole time I was convinced I was someone who had good standards for herself and wouldn't put up with any disrespect. 🥺
She had to say crying that his wishes were not ok to her and he acted like it didn't happen. It can be difficult to point if we are wrong even then, but you know what is easy? To think what you would wish for a treatment instead of what you got. A real partner would APOLOGIZE and let go of the issue. He was abusive, cheated anyway, and only made her trust issues worst. She did told the guy. That was all that she needed to do to make him act properly. Any other normal person would noticed she was unconfortable, most likely. Ask for the waitress number like he was not interested. Wasn't supposed to even think about it. Disrespectful with Kim and the worker. Did good to leave him and block him. Toxic guy, begone!
My mother and my ex-wife were both narcissists. My whole relationship with them consisted of being told I was wrong about everything, and I always believed it. I keep repeating the pattern.
Once we get right with ourselves no one can make us wrong again. It’s liberating, it’s possible, and when we begin to invest in ourselves fully, we lose weight, we become vibrant we form new values and boundaries. It happens, it’s never too late it simply happens when the healing work is done.
Kim - My heart goes out to you and know that so many of us see ourselves in you. The doubt, the fear, the intense desire to love and be loved. I want to give you a million round of applauses for standing your ground and leaving as soon as your boundaries were grossly disrespected. I have yet to reach this level of self love myself but I’m here because I’m working on it. Thank you for writing in and sharing something so vulnerable and present in your life. Anna - Thank you for all the work you do and thank you for the tough love you dish out to the people who need it most. As somebody that regularly gets lost in the fantasy of it all, finding your channel has been a Godsend. Blessings to all who read this. We all have the power to heal ourselves and fulfill our greatest desires. I believe in you! ❤️
The problem is that those of us with childhood abuse/PTSD feel like we are not loveable and therefore we have a hard time finding anyone to love us, besides the fact that the reality is there is a lack of decent, loving men around these days .
There is not a lack of decent men or women, there is a lack of self respect and boundaries and emotional clarity with many, that turns them/us into the farthest state from whole.
No one person will make you feel loved - if you don't start believing you are worthy of love. Healthy self-respecting partners do not want to be with someone who will always act like a victim and need and need and need - forever hungry and never taking responsibility for building up a supply of self-love. I was a romance addict at one point - and looked to men, relationships, romance to fill a hole - which was created by childhood trauma - expecting to make me happy. Women are socialized to be victims - to believe they are incomplete humans without a partner. This is BS. But CPTSD just compounds this myth - and as long as we are chasing this golden goose of a relationship where ALL our emotional needs are supposed to be met - where our deepest happiness always lives outside of our actual control - dependant upon the whimsicality of a human being and how they behave with us - we will NEVER feel secure, happy, or truly loved for the long term. Our romantic partners should never be burdened by being our MAIN reason for happiness, that is an unrealistic and oppressive expectation. I say this as a person who has worked through CPTSD as well as Bipolar Disorder 1. It was and has always been my job to find out how to heal my own trauma -Thank God I believe I am lovable enough to work on my healing with everything I have - and not waiting for some Prince Charming to rescue me from myself.
Love these videos and wish I knew this stuff 40 years ago. Trusting myself is so hard, I went too fast in relationships and ended up with a long list of relationships where I was convenient while they looked around doing whatever they wanted until I was able to wrench myself from them.I hold out hope to try again with these tools but at 65 in a pandemic...
i'm well aware of my red flags but i'm constantly gaslighting my own self, making excuses to myself for the other person because maybe my red flags are false, or maybe they didn't mean it, or they can change. And years later a big pile of red flags is staring at me, the final red flag goes up & i crack, and i can't excuse it anymore.
Oh I wanted to add. I've had my first real test since I left. A man I was very attracted to liked me. When we talked I could tell that he was another guy that I usually would fall for no matter all the red flags. I talked to him and stood my ground. I could never be more than friends. It was so hard for me. We are still friends. We hang out. I'm so grateful I decided the decision on who I have a romantic relationship with is up to me. Not the other person. I get to choose 😊
literally me and friendships. more just shocked at ppl and rather believe they are someone the are not to my detriment and even worse some of my friends as of late like to act like all of my boundaries are "trauma responses" and thus get minimized or ignored, when my boundaries dont have to do with trauma, just basic decency for godsake
Yeah, that was my original thought! Like, I cannot believe this guy had the nerve to do that. However, if you asked me 10 years ago, I would have tried to play the cool girl because he always accused of me being jealous. No, I wasn't jealous it was a normal reaction when a guy I was dating did something that was inconsiderate. At least she dumped his ass before it got worse!
This letter is yet more evidence that doing the work, works. Second time around, the letter writer’s intuition kicked right in, even before her conscious mind could register it. All that meditation and therapy and self-care is paying off in spades. Fascinating to see such a clear example of how we second-guess and doubt and talk ourselves BACK IN to these toxic circumstances. We are so much more comfortable in the stuck spots. This letter really helped me see how I have set the stage for this type of hurt, and Anna‘s advice is so clear and sage about how to stop those patterns. For so many years, I just couldn’t even see what I was doing that kept me in proverbial chains. I’m starting to have hope that I can have a roadmap to the healthy foundations that I have been seeking in a relationship. And I’m so grateful for the way Anna isn’t afraid to voice that most of us ARE actually looking for something we can rely upon, and it’s not ok to pretend like we want less and then expect our partners to magically give us what we’re afraid to admit we want. Best part of this video for me, though, is highlighted by the title. This is such a clear example of how we really were primed to ignore red flags and just push right past them, as if the strength of our own conviction is the determining factor as to whether a crappy situationship will ever turn into true love. Black and white, cause and effect. I have never been able to see that so clearly before. 🙏 Oh, one last thing I’ve been noticing, as I’ve gotten more realistic about how long to takes to build up the necessary trust with a person before getting intimate with them, is that it’s actually a sigh of relief. I’ve spent decades on high alert that my true love might be right around the corner and the possibility of all the changes that could potentially lead to in my life. The idea that, even if I met them tomorrow, I would still have several months (at least) before it would be time to let them into my sanctum is really a freeing thought. At the same time, it explains why some friends who are interested in more than a friendship will hold on for so long, even when I feel I’ve expressed that I’m not interested in them romantically. I suppose that, for all intents and purposes, just maintaining a friendship lends hope to the possibility that more will develop in the long run. So they’re doing it the right way, and slowly building attachments over time, when all the while I am feeling like I’m just biding time until someone I can form an attachment with comes along. 🤦🏻♀️ Oh, what tangled webs we weave.
I would draw a line if someone I'm dating is asking for another girl's contact info to hang out, especially right in front of me! I know how CPTSD can blind us though! I see myself in the story here even though I've recovered enough to know better now. I hope she finds someone who is looking for the same level of committment, openness and honesty as her
I have been trying to erase myself and am so tragically hurt when i feel unimportant to someone else...didnt want to leave evidence of being there, but i am facing the pains that has caused me and finally realizing how i have hurt others blinded by my own pain and suffering. Smh. Its hurting pretty badly now, but the dysregulation fog is clearing out, thanks to the clarity, support, and hope I found when I stumbled across this channel
I felt such pain listening to this. This was me for so many years. I have finally, very late in life, woken up and will never allow someone to treat me like that ever again. Your videos are so spot on. Thank you. This woman who wrote in sounds so sweet and I hope this helps her. She absolutely did the right thing.. no question about it
No matter what this guy is definitely a jerk.. he knew you had been hurt recently.. he knew you were still carrying wounds but went ahead with his basically dream to have two woman at once You are without a doubt better off without him your decision came from strength, the adult within you protecting the wounded adult and child that still resides in your heart.. picture that strong adult guarding you, sword and armour.. chanting no worthless dickheads to touch this precious woman .. You'll find someone who is worth giving your love to until then stand strong 💖
Sometimes it's helpful to go back to the first signal. IF he valued what he was building with Kim, he would have left it for her to connect with the woman. When you're invested in someone, you aren't going to do things that leave them with doubt. I'm learning that the first signals should never be ignored, they're previews of what's to come, and our ignoring them is the slippery slope toward losing ourselves. Doubt is there for a reason.. listen. What's wrong for YOU is always wrong, it's not a judgment on the other person, it's respecting and honoring our own sense of well-being. Big part of that is knowing that we DESERVE what makes us feel loved.
I wish I saw this when I was dating after a messy divorce. I raised my standards and the world sent me an awesome guy. I had to wait for him for seven years - which was hard, but it was worth it. Will be married ten years next year.
I feel SO much for this woman. Same thing happened to me with my husband of 15 years, only I wasn't smart enough to say no. He pressured me into having threesomes with one of our female friends, and surprise! He had already been having an affair with her but hiding it from me had become inconvenient for him. It took me a LONG time (and even more abuses of my trust) for me to get out. I am so proud of her for telling him it's over and throwing his stuff on his doorstep!
I've been alcohol-free 19.5 years now. Being 100% present in my own life, 24/7, makes it excruciating to "play" with men anymore (found that out the hard way). With no anesthetic numbing down my emotions, sex becomes bonding, whether I want to or not, so ... I need to want to bond. And that desire doesn't come overnight. It's that simple. Life now is much better - clear and steady. I work on my accountability and pay attention to what I really want. I am a major catch and I know it now.
we GASLIGHT ourselves. I do it also . Believe what you see. Believe what the other person is showing you how they feel about you the FIRST time!!!!! period point blank
That's mad how true that is!! I keep doing the same thing and jumping into stuff with unsuitable men, then it takes me months to get out, then I'm down for ages before I'm ready, and I realise I wasted so many years in this pattern! I also do this with one sided friendships tho tbh...
I feel you. The majority of my friendships my whole life have been crumbs only on my end, and the friendship is much more important to me than it is to them. I only have a few friends now, and I'm not for large circles of friends anymore.
Holy Cow! I have 'listened' to you before, but I wasn't really "listening". Your feedback on that letter was to a letter I might have written if that makes sense. You spoke to so many of my issues. I have been in therapy most of my life, but things have been getting worse and I have literally given up on all of my life. Nobody seems to understand or get it. My problems have been with everyone, not just men. But everyone. There might be hope here. I hope so. I will keep coming back. Thank you.
How is having a threesome NOT cheating? EVERYONE needs to research narcissism. Knowing EVERYTHING there is to know about narcissism so that you can pick up on their deceit and manipulation is KEY to surviving and thriving. If you are not aware of ALL the signs and deceptive behaviors YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A VICTIM. Learn EVERYTHING you can about narcissism. Educating yourself on narcissism is your first and most important line of defense. If you don't research narcissism and learn everything you can about it, you will NEVER FULLY HEAL. You won't have the knowledge to avoid these types of people. To FULLY HEAL you must know this stuff.
I wouldn't recommend it for everybody but at the age of 65 I found it's just easier to live alone. But like I said I am older and the need is much much less now to have someone in my life. I spent 50 years picking the wrong partners and being run down mentally emotionally physically just everything. I've been alone 3 years now and I've never felt stronger. I don't suffer daily put downs and feel like I got to walk on eggshells. I'm so glad I found your channel you just made me understand the whole last 65 years of my life.
It's sad but also hilarious thinking "I'm having deep reservations about this" but conveying "Maybe in the future I can abandoned myself completely/ some more..." Also, portraying " cool and unbothered" on the outside with uncertainty and anxiety on the inside could be used as a signal you're abandoning self. I need as many of these as I can get.
I think there is a lot of plain wisdom here. You don’t have to let other people define your boundaries and you never have to lie about how you feel. As long as no one is hurting other people, there is no reason anyone should have to lie and mislead others and if anyone isn’t up front about who they are and it’s not just some simple misunderstanding, than it’s manipulation. It sounds to me like in this story her partner would have no reason not to know what her preferences were. I also think if someone’s partner is interested in monogamy it should be reasonable to think that holding fantasies and feelings for other people, let alone acting outside the relationship would be objected to. This isn’t just a lesson for people who are being potentially manipulated in these scenarios but for those who may be on the other side and have a misunderstanding of how to respond to the wants and needs of another. Being faithful to others in the way they want is difficult, but there is no such thing as a good relationship where we don’t meet the stated needs of our partners. I think it can also be a lesson to honestly communicate and come to level ground early, but it’s so understandable that not everyone wants to talk about that right away. I think one thing that is important is to build confidence and a willingness to confront in the people that fear this confrontation and that’s a lot of us. If someone does something with other people that we don’t like in our relationships, we can bring it up right then and there. People should know if they are mistreated, that they have family, friends and potential partners in all kinds of other places who will treat them how they want and need and they don’t need to be treated in a way they don’t like. Life is too short and we are worth more.
It's OK girl, I feel you... I am totally detached from myself, too and I doubt my perception all the time... I don't trust my feelings or my thoughts... Keep working in yourself, that's all we got...
Thank you, thank you, thank you CCFairy!!! I needed to hear this 🙏🏼💜 My mom told me to lower the bar a long time ago, and even though I thought “Heck No” at the time, the CPTSD made me doubt myself. At 50 I still haven’t met the secure trustworthy loving man I want to be with. “You get to have Love in it” brought me to tears. It’s time to erase self-doubt and truly embrace my True Love Relationship Standard.
I feel so encouraged 2 weeks ago I watched this..this morning I realized it and started to skip over it..then said no watch it again. The first time I viewed it I 'kinda' saw the offense of this guy taking someone else's phone number in front of her. Nothing else seemed a red 🚩. This view I saw like 9 red flags but the biggest one is when Kim asked was she wrong for breaking up with this guy. Like I felt sorry for her trauma self blocking her true value. People keep doing the work...it will work for you!!!
This was so painful to listen to because I been there. I’m so sorry you are having these issues. Please never abandon yourself. It leads to misery and poor decisions. Please follow Anna’s advice to the best of your ability.
Weirdddd. I don't like that. People put too much emphasis on sex and less on sensuality and intimacy and romance. Those latter 3 things take time and understanding, compassion, honesty and openness. Sex doesn't take anything, it's easy and a dime a dozen
I really like something that Richard Grannon teaches. Learn your values. At the beginning, Anna points out how Kim was basically in her head trying to figure out if she'd done the right thing or if she was over reacting. Now I'm not saying that we shouldn't also understand our feelings about things. That is definitely a huge part of it. But there's more to it in helping to understand ourselves and the answers to our self-doubt. For me personally, getting to knowing my values has helped me understand my boundaries and my deal breakers. It helps me understand that if something bothers me, it's okay that it bothers me. And it doesn't matter if it bothers someone else or not. You can do a search for core values and find lists of them. How I did it was look through and pick out some that resonated with me. The lists help to understand what a value even is because most of us were likely not brought up to have them because one, our parents didn't have them or understand what they are, and two, it does make a person easier to manipulate and take advantage of. PS, I know RG isn't everyone's cuppa tea but that's where I learned about this so I wanted to give credit where credit's due.
There's nothing more poetic, sincere, and beautiful than what's shared at the 25.55 mark and beyond. What a beautifully phrased truth spoken that all of those overcoming C-PTSD need to hear and be convinced of.
My psychiatrist completely betrayed my trust and my first thought was…It’s my fault because I had a feeling about him but chose to ignore it and give him the benefit of doubt.🤦🏿♀️
this hits home so much. deep inside we believe what we've been taught that how we feel what we want and need and even who we are is not ok.... that's all lies. we don't owe anybody and explanation for how we feel what we need. we do not need to justify ourselves to anybody no human gets to judge us and define us and our reality anymore. we need to love our self honor our self don't give our self away. I began physical with person felt instantly bonded and it took 20 painful years to get out and start healing.
Kim, You did exactly what you should have done. This man had no interest in a monogamous relationship and you are 100% right that if he would have cared he would have called you immediately afterwards. You are lucky to have found out what kind of guy he was before things got more serious. That was completely innappropriate of him to spend time the way he did with that woman, it was even worse the things that they were talking about together. Don't doubt yourself here at all. You made the right decision. You need to trust yourself more.
You give such good advice in the most loving and empowering way.. I just finished with someone who was bread crumbing me because I knew I deserved better, but then I was beating myself up about it, doubting my decision. Your advice is such a wonderful reminder to stay true to me, love me and give my love to someone who deserves it. Thank you 💜🙏
I'm grateful for those that are sharing their experiences and going through the letter bit by bit. I see so much of myself at different stages of my life in many of these examples. Thank you for helping us see the light 💗 🙏
Omg your words are so on target. So true we have to learn to respect ourselves so others will too. Once we decide what kind of person we want in our lives we need to be what we want in order to attract the likeness. It’s hard to let negative thinking go, but possible.
Anna I absolutely love how you give clarity to the reality of what’s being said and the advice you give offers support and does not sugar coat. 🙏💜 I can relate to everything being said and had a partner who would openly flirt with waitresses ALL THE TIME even years into our relationship. I was ‘crazy’ for questioning his being friendly. Eff being the ‘cool girl’. He ultimately left me for a ‘cool girl’…I’m glad you saw that what he was doing was not what you wanted. Applause for choosing you. 😊
I've been utterly conditioned to accept lies and blame, and just started realising that it just happened again. But this time, thanks to you, Anna, I got it after only a day! instead of after it has gone on for two years, or even marrying them.à
"We told them it was ok through our lack of actions/boundaries..." that hit hard. Definitely feel seen with this. I survived a ton of abuse and neglect as a child, coupled with a hefty dose of constant gaslighting, of course. I've experienced similar stuff this person has. I didn't understand boundaries, and tried very hard to be the opposite of my abusive, controlling mother. So obviously, I put up with all kinds of cheaters, abuse, cruelty from many partners (I'm bi, so they were both female and male). Because I wanted to be "chill" and not a "nagging shrew" 🙄 I never felt I had any worth, probably because my parents loved to tell me how unlovable I was- so I was just grateful that anyone would be with me at all. I eventually met a good man, a freaking miracle, honestly. But he also has very similar issues. And my lack of self worth actually caused problems in our relationship. Luckily because we both come from similar abusive backgrounds, we seem to be able to be more aware of when the other is triggered or disregulated, and we can be supportive. But it's taken a TON of therapy, both individual and couple. The thing that was most helpful that I learned from therapy was to value myself and my time enough to have standards. It made me realize I deserve basic respect and that me asking for such can be really helpful in relationships. You can be kind, and also assert your needs. This has helped with all my relationships. I realized that all the friends I had actually were really toxic and hurt more than helped. They never respected my time or feelings. It was more like they were using me for attention (because I tend to be extremely loyal and generous to a fault in my relationships). They would get a lot from me, but they wouldn't even back me up in the simplest situations. My husband too, even though he is a wonderful person who clearly loves me, would sometimes not prioritize our relationship in some ways (he wouldn't cheat or abandon me, but he is a workaholic, due to the trauma he's been through). And after couples counseling, it was clear that one of the reasons was that I was sending signals (unintentionally) that I didn't want him to prioritize our relationship, because I didn't think I should be important. I didn't want to "get in his way". Now I feel like I do have worth (it's taken YEARS to get there, btw, and it's not a consistent feeling), I'm more likely to communicate that I miss him, or that I need affection, and he says (and acts like) it really is a turn on. So our relationship is doing better than ever in 16 years 🙂 As for my friends, I've cut them off. It's hard making new friends during the pandemic, but I'm sure I will eventually. And when I do, I'm going to have some reasonable standards and try not to attach BFF status to people so fast.
I relate so much. I gaslight myself so much to the point of where I can justify someone abusing, manipulating, controlling, and neglecting me in relationships. Because of my childhood and mental illnesses, I always ignore my intuition and assume I’m being crazy and overly sensitive so it must be me. I don’t know how to not second guess myself every time.
Thanks for taking us through another letter! I was in a similar situation myself for 6 months. Though I struggled with the pain of heartbreak for 3 months after. So total it took 9 months of my life. The amount of time it took made it harder for me to forgive myself. I am 36 and single. In my country, I am age-shamed for not getting married. So there is added trauma of not being "successful" in doing relationships. Would love to know how to deal with self-bashing on wasted time, when my culture itself bashes me relentlessly for being late at having a husband.
Heey Lemon Springs :) I feel you are more successfull in "doing relationships" than all those people who married young because there is cultural pressure. I'm Sure many ignored the Red flags just to Do what is expected. And i feel you are so much more successfull to listen to your intuition! Noone should be whith a partner who is abusive in any way. And emotional abuse is so hard to detect so please keep being honest with yourself. You did the right thing and gave yourself self worth by splitting up. I cheere for you and am so proud of us for standig our ground eben though it feels so hard and confusing sometimes.
And i think you are being a progressive empowered woman and you should be so so proud of yourself. I know its so hard if you feel cultural pressure all around you but I have soo much respect for you and i'm sure secretly maybe eben unxonciously many women your age whish they were not married yet!!! Have strong relationships standards and dealbreakers and only if a potential Partner fits these consider them... You are worthy of respect of your boundaries and a beautiful work of art that is supposed to be treated gently and considerate :)
Dear Lemon Spring, you are not ‘late’ at finding a husband. You are doing work on yourself that will allow the right person to be right on time in a meaningful, sustainable way when you find them. Let’s say you married this other guy that you worked hard to extricate yourself from - socially and culturally you may have been deemed successful, but what would your life FEEL like? Would that unhappiness feel like success to you? What if you married him and instead of losing 9 months, you lost 9 years before ending that relationship? Even if you had ‘lost’ 9 nine years, it would not be a cause for shame or guilt. The focus should always be on the part where you did what was best for you - however long that takes. I guarantee you that many women in your culture are unhappily married and not yet at the point where they feel they can do anything about it because they fear the shame of a failed marriage. It sounds like your culture will find a way to control (through shame) women in general for wanting better for themselves. You don’t have to take the shame - you can send it right back. You are a courageous and discerning woman and I am so proud of you for doing what’s right for you. People find love and (re)marry well into their 40s, 50s, 60s through 80s and 90s. Lemon Spring, you have time. You’d probably bash yourself for marrying someone who wasn’t right just for the sake of external validation, so no need at all to bash yourself for what you’re doing instead. All the love to you
I think it worth emphasizing to us c ptsd kids that waiting to have sex is Not just holding out as long as possible and counting the weeks or months. It’s having in depth conversations on dates, listening to what is discussed, asking questions, evaluating Actions not words and bringing something up if you don’t understand or are confused. Saying what you think, even if it’s a little rough, and not judging yourself for it. If the person is no good, they may try to defect or brush by the issue. That is not okay. The thing to do is Not keep trying, trying to understand, but feel comfortable with deciding you tried to clarify and this is what you got. You have to Leave and tell the other person, it’s not working for you. Speaking for myself, I was never taught this and didn’t actually do it until I was 50.
I can so relate to "Kim" even though I haven't encountered this exact type of relationship in my life. Thank you for sharing this with us all, Anna. You have a gift and it's wonderful that you share it.
Thank you for being a healing, loving presence on UTube! Thank you also for speaking the truth in such a loving and kind way! Nothing good comes from letting people use us!!
The “cool girl” exterior and REAL ME interior was absolute agony for me. Years wasted and loads of abuse along the way. I finally said enough was enough. I sat the next potential partner down and put everything out on the table right at the start. Told him all of my dealbreakers and asked for complete honesty and respect in return. I told him that I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time (his or mine). We waited months before being intimate for the first time, despite pressures around us. And we took the time to get to know one another. We’ve been happily together for 12 years now. So relieved that I finally allowed MYSELF to surface and call the shots in my life. Doubts still creep up from time to time, but that’s why I continue to seek out information and do the necessary work. I no longer let them take over and mask my TRUE SELF.
Good for you!
You're really brave 💖
Wow!! Thanks for sharing. Such good news!
Good for you. Quite the watershed to boot her out..👍
I don't get this whole pressure around us thing, as if is a good thing to jump into that. I am glad you guys waited. Back in the day most people were intimate after exchanging vows and committing for life, and I think that saved a lot of people from getting used over and over again. Too bad that sort of things is now seen as "backwards". I guess I should thank Hollywood for that.
“It’s over!”
Homegirl, you won.
She handled it strongly !
YEP
She handled it WELL. Despite it all.
Honestly, watching you, Patrick Teahan and Dr. Ramani for free on CZcams has done more for me than any therapist I’ve paid to see, and I’ve probably seen a dozen or more over the past 30 yrs. Thank you so much for what you do.
Same
hear hear, these 3 are my favorites too. and I’m poor, so I’m extremely grateful that their healing content is accessible
💯💯
Same here! My therapist just gave me tips on how to bend farther backwards to accommodate my abusive ex. Not helpful at all
Agreed
The "Cool Girl" is the biggest fucking scam. I spent so many years trying to be the cool girl and neglecting what I actually wanted or what I truly felt. When someone says they want a cool girl, they just mean they want a doormat. Now I'll be as extra as I naturally am and my future partner will like it. 😌
Amen 🙏
A truly big scam. They wanna groom a woman to be a doormat
“I’ll be as EXTRA as I naturally am” 😂😂😂
Yes mam! Got a good chuckle on that
as a black man who is also old ive noticed the similarities to the good one. any poc know about this. its the same thing. anytime a group of people want to single you out as the minority good one of the bunch, its trouble on so many levels
I can't believe how long it took for me to see that i didn't need "the cool girl". I can lay her to rest, RIP she was trying her best but was doing all the wrong things.
She absolutely was trying her best and she deserves to rest peacefully so we may evolve into who we really are. (i bet she’s way cooler anyway 😉)
All my life I've tried to be 'understanding' and make no demands, but that has got me a total of nowhere! Men don't respect that, they see you being super nice and just walk over you. You don't have to be a b.tch about it but putting up with disrespect and inconsideration is fatal.
Amen!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow I think I need to do this too.. RIP cool girls!! Thank you for sharing.
@@emiigarzon 🥰exactly
Yeah my Dad used to flirt with waitresses in front of my Mom and us kids whenever we'd go out to dinner(note: I'm adult now). I always felt it was gross and disrespectful, even when I couldn't really articulate it or complain about it, being young, awkward, and afraid to criticize. To me it implies insecurity: the need for attention, the need to assert dominance and power, to assert sense of entitlement, etc. And, as you might expect, it never stops there: he cheated on her. So, Kim- you did well to put an end to it. My only advice for future would be to drop any man who flirts in front of you like that immediately. Because if they do that at the beginning, it's not going to stop.
Absolutely right! If they flirt in front of you at the beginning, they will continue to do it. That stuff feels terrible to experience for most people. Now that I'm slightly more aware, I just won't tolerate it. If they want an "open" relationship, they can date someone else. Some people genuinely don't mind, but many people try to convince themselves they are ok with it.
My ex boyfriend (65), flirted with every woman he met and called me insecure for wanting him to stop the flirting.
Thanks, y'all. The other thing I meant to mention is that it also puts the waitress (or other service staff, barista, etc.) in a tricky position: if they're perceived as being receptive to the flirtation, then they'll risk disrespecting the gf/s.o./wife with the man who's flirting; but if they don't just suck it up and play along, the man can become obnoxious about it, too(e.g. not tipping, or accusing her of being too uptight or taking it too seriously). Obviously, service staff have to put up with all types of crap, and I know that most of them are amazing at treading that fine line (because many of them also grew up in a family in which you learned to 'thread the needle' to keep the fragile peace?). But still...they really shouldn't be put in that position.
That is so horrible to witness as a child. I'm so sorry 😞
@@Jasper_the_Cat you are so insightful! The empathy also for the wait staff is refreshing especially in this world too. I'm so glad you shared that. I used to be wait staff and I had to learn to toe the line in order to get tips and ugh. It made me feel icky.
Thanks for all your help . In 96 I was divorced , she said I wasn't any good at singing or guitar playing . In 2000 I won Glasgow ( Scotland ) Songwriter of the year award .
Awesome good for you!!!
Nice!
BOOYAH!!!😎😎😎❤
Nailed it 👍🏼👍🏼❤️
Anyone who poops on your dreams and aspirations like that doesn't deserve to share your air.
I was almost the "other guy" for a narcissistic woman. She was a high school "friend," and she invited me over to her house to watch movies, in so many words, "when her husband isn't around." I knew her well enough to know exactly where this was going, and I wasn't going to take the bait. But it wasn't the obvious potential intent. She knew I was not going to get involved with a married woman. What she really wanted was to make her husband look stupid for getting upset that she was hanging around with a totally innocent friend when nothing inappropriate was going on, so she could gaslight and shame him for it in her manipulative machinations towards him. And in order for him to look stupid, she needed to invite a man who actually wouldn't get involved inappropriately with her, thus why she chose me. I knew her long enough and well enough I saw straight through this, and declined. About a week later, she sent me another email, telling me how stupid her husband was for getting upset when he heard she'd invited me, when nothing inappropriate ever happened.
So what this meant was, she didn't choose a "safe" man to hang out with because nothing would happen. She chose a "safe" man only because it would make her husband wrong when he got angry, so she could manipulate at him.
I told her never to contact me again.
@@sunflowers2469 no, blackcat, that sounds as a very manipulative answer.
He should ignore as well as he did with the "friend" in the above story
@@sunflowers2469 so what, exactly, would you say was her motive?
@@sunflowers2469 he knew her since high school and knew what kind of person she was.
I feel bad for you and her husband but you handled it really well kudos to you sorry you went through this how uncomfortable
Good for you. I applaud you and your integrity in doing what's right. 😃👍
I went on a first date with a coworker and he spent most of it talking to the waitress, I walked away and never looked back. He wasn’t that into me and after that, I wasn’t into him
well done! : ) proud of you!!
You are awesome! Congratulations 🎉
@@mizelle4096 yes. it sounds like it was a test... "how much will you put up with?".
One good response that always works is to respond with, "sure, we can have a threesome, but we're gonna start with 2 guys". I sit and watch him squirm uncomfortably and protest that he doesn't want too anymore. And then I begin to do that feminine thing where I slowly leave the relationship, first emotionally, then mentally, then physically.
I just can't respect a guy who feels like I'm supposed to be his community property.
I've said the same thing, the look on their face is worth it. 😁
@@lorimiller4301 Agreed. I actually enjoy allowing my inner B out to play, when it's warranted. Tends to make life a little more interesting and less boring. And I feel more authentic, as well. We're allowed to have feelings and flaws.
@@elipotter369 I haven't run into that scenario. In my experience, even the bi ones have lied to my face to cheat on me, yet still trying to lock me down as their girlfriend, knowing I'm a monogamous person that doesn't share.
Guys are too territorial. And even if they did say yes, I'd still end up leaving. Threesomes gross me out. And I instantly lose attraction when I find out it's what my partner wants, or suggests.
@@transitionsnc Exactly. Those people aren't ready for the rigours of an actual relationship, with compromises and sacrifices and the actual need to put in effort and work to make the magic happen.
@@transitionsnc You're welcome. I can imagine it was hurtful for you. Being used in a situation like that never feels good. If he seriously had wanted to help her, or give her an experience that she was curious about, he didn't even need to be part of it at all. Just let her have her experience without expecting anything in return.
Unfortunately, that's not how the cookie crumbled, and it sounds like he at least ruined a good friendship. He is the one missing out though. You deserve better friends.
"Wouldn't your parents have loved it if you needed nothing?" Wow, really hitting home there. I tend to play the cool girl too. I used to think people would see me as easy going and open and that would make me more likeable. I see now how that only attracts the wrong kind of people that only want to manipulate you for their own good and hidden agendas, it's painful and self-destructive in the long run. Thank you!
We did our best not to need anything. My brother made it to 32. Me, still clinging on. Very very hard. Very.
THIS was really helpful thank you for thinking out loud 🙌🏽🙏🏽👊🏽
I relate to this so much, thanks for sharing
@@kimlec3592 hang in there, you got this, sending much love!
A "cool" girl says no to unacceptable behavior..hit the bricks. Thanks Anna for your work.
You're welcome - thanks so much for being here Kerrie! - Ashley, Team Fairy
I love it 😻. “Wouldn’t our parents love it, if we needed nothing”. Awesome 👏
Yes, didnt that statement hit the feels! 🎯
Well said.
CPTSD: Where we learned we were too hard to be around so we endlessly try to erase ourselves.
@@MsHellcat08 it actually did.
My first memory is being hit pretty badly cuz i didnt know what sarcasm was and when told to kiss moms ass i did...i was too young to know not to i just wanted to please her and be a good girl...im trying to heal me and my kids, as i never knew how to be proper to them...i didnt hit them but abused them in other ways i didnt see at the time. ALL I NEED IN LIFE IS TO FIX WHAT I HAVE BECOME FROM THE DAMAGES IVE EXPERIENCED AND THE VICTIM MINDSET IT GAVE ME IN THE BEGINNING.
I only ever dated liars and manipulators. I broke the cycle now. Thank god.
‘We would rather attack ourselves as crazy than realize that that person is no good’ @12:27- this is worth it’s weight in gold!!! Well said!! How many of us do that just to have someone in our lives ! Thanks for saying that
True. I just realized that I hv maintained relationships with such shitty people. I mean I am a descent person, I deserve better.
Thanks for your comments!
Yep. And they always call us crazy for asking perfectly reasonable questions. We're not crazy, they just want us to think so in order to deflect from their cheating and their irresponsible behaviors.
@@indian.patterns That's an amazing realization. I did the same thing.
I just had the same realization today! A stranger treated me bad, and off I went on self attack for an entire night!
Later on that day, I started usig my mind remembering the red flags during our meeting.
Great lesson learned! Always look at what people do, versus what they say.
This guy had several massive red flags starting off with asking for that woman's number, then meeting up with the new woman whilst still dating the OP, then suggesting a threesome! Horrendous, what an asshole. It sounds like he tricked her into thinking he wanted a committed, monogamous relationship when in fact he didn't. I'm very glad that she dumped him, she 100% did the right thing. I hope she goes on to find a great man who treats her with respect and stops doubting her intuition.
What a jerkkkkk
To be fair, it doesn't sound like he tricked or lied to her. She didn't say that he ever said that he wanted to be exclusive - she may have assumed it but that isn't the same thing. In fact, it seems he was pretty open about the fact that he didn't want to be monogamous. I agree that she's 100% better off without him though...
@@suzy1750 he knew she didn't want it at some point, she said "crying", but kept asking. If he didn't have any ideia he could tell her openly that he was with the girl, but he said it knowing it was a problem to her. She said it was triggering. Total jerk. Kept pushing a threesome. No respect.
@@suzy1750 I disagree. I've been on and off dating apps for a long time and unless people state they want a casual or polyamorous relationship, or just nsa sex, the assumption is still that people are dating for monogamy. To imply that we have to continuously confirm we want monogamy is bizarre and disingenuous. The OP commented earlier, she's deleted it now, but she stated that this man had asked HER to be monogamous very early on, and had even introduced her to his family. So he'd fast forwarded her and future faked her, then tried to shame and coerce her into a relationship where he slept with other women and even get her to engage in a threesome. This is abusive, boundary violating behaviour. Anyone behaving like this is a narcissist, this kind of behaviour needs to be called out, not normalised.
@@dsoul1305 Exactly.
I have learned a phrase that worth gold: "That was not nice." You set a boundary without pointing fingers and without feeling that you are being nasty. It's a way to express something is wrong and that needs to change. And if the other is not responsive you can have sure that they don't value you.
Try it out. It's worth it.
Good one!
That's the dream. To first have a relationship and then be sexual with them to further strengthen the bond. I've stuck to this new standard and waiting on the right person to come into my life ❤️ Feels so good to be regulated and know that what I want is perfectly normal and possible! 🧚♀️Thank you Fairy 😊
Its my dream also😀 Did you have any luck in dating so far and maybe have any advice 😊 ?
I’m a 47 ye old man and I feel the same. Deep friendship with intimate sharing and individual interests with a shared sense of values and beliefs. I’m finding this with myself first, so I have a bounty to share with another. This is enabling trust within myself to then broadcast that frequency out there.
He ALREADY had that girl picked out.
Betcha, betcha, betcha.
He PLANNED to go to that restaurant and have that girl wait on you two.
I WOULD BET ON IT.
I also have CPTSD. I never lost my voice in asking for what I need/want....it's just that the answer is always "NO!". First from my mother "My will is stronger than yours, my dear. You will never win against me". When I got married I had set the bar way too low. He was able to win me over by offering crumbs. But after when we were married and I expressed my needs, he said "Not going to happen." Once he even said "What's in it for me?". When I realized he was treating me like my mother did, despite pretending to dislike her and initially acting completely opposite, I lost trust in him. Finally got to the position where I could divorce him. Ironically, my mother said she hated him during the beginning of our marriage when he was still treating me well. When he became abusive, my mother changed her tune and said she had absolutely nothing against him. They even kept contact after I divorced him!
So sorry you had to go through all that. You deserve better in life.
Keep your head and your standards up. It’s a magnet for good quality people.
Whoa wtf wow don't worry thou people like that are honestly never winning at life. I'm sorry you had to go through it. They are disgusting, don't take it personally its just their character pathetic and malicious. Takes joy in bullying others because they themselves haven't healed. Leave them alone. They suck at life. They'll make yours a hell too.
So proud of you seeing the similarities and repeat pattern 😘💝🏆
Looks like your mother likes to hurt you by always _thinking_ the opposite that you think just to make you doubt yourself and become weak
🙌🏽👏🏾I'm praying for healing & strength so that you meet someone with better intentions for your life. I know it's hard.💪🏽💪🏽 When we heal and recognize and still get crumbs.🤦🏽♀️ It's been five years for me. I'm still learning.🤕💪🏽👏🏾🙌🏽🙏🏽😆😉
One of the most irritating forms of emotional abuse is the "I am just going to pretend you already consented to this" game which always occurs in public, in front of people where you would be embarrased to make a fuss, putting you on the spot every time feeling like your the one who has the problem. If you follow up later out of publics eye to be polite you get gaslit or dismissed or even smacked down if they are feeling nasty. I endured this so many times. I think my own behaviour may tie into Good Girl Syndrome somehow, to be the 'cool girlfriend'. Im over it. I have been there and seen many others do it too all getting hurt it making fools of themselves for a selfish person. Adults who have actually have alternate lifestyles behave like adults believe it or not. I have socialized in these circles too and its entirely different because people talk about whats going on they dont try to trick you or anything. Everyone is on the same page and in agreement. This guy is a person likely unwelcome in those circles (if he ever tried to be in one) as he would break the rules of engagement for his own gain, or just feels the need to be the one in charge making up all the rules. Now, you still have to learn to speak up more and demand clarity as you see red flags pop up, but this guy is just a selfish jerk who doesnt care who he hurts to get what he wants. He doesn't have to do that.
Really appreciate you sharing your experience. The “Good Girl Syndrome” is very real.
Exactly Evonne; in true 'ethical non-monogamy' circles, the 'ethical' is real and alive. These folk could teach a lot of the rest of us about how to behave well.
Ouch, when you said: “I am good, I need nothing. Wouldn’t your parents have just loved it if you needed nothing!”…um, yeah. That exasperated sigh of being a burdensome bother to the parent for needing something that is NORMAL. Like how dare you exist to be a bother to me!
Frankly I am kind of angry I didn't get this information when I was young...before I made all those really bad choices. Mid-60s are a bit late for me. Glad I'm getting it now though. Helps me heal. Thanks.
Hearing someone else doing what I do, blame themselves for someone else's
actions, in the letter you're reading, Anna, is making me cry for how many
clues I miss.
Your moment of clarity is such a good and beautiful opportunity!
Sometimes a partner will suggest a threesome to negate responsibility for sleeping with someone else. If the other partner agrees then they get a hall pass and get to keep the relationship they are in whilst also sleeping with another person.
It saddens me how easily gaslighted we are as abused individuals. But it’s delights me to know we have resources like this to maintain trust in our instincts and intuition
I am so happy for this girl, that she left this disrespecting, lying, almost-cheating a..hole of a boyfriend. He is not worth a single tear.
A lot of people are commenting on the “cool girl,” and as a “cool girl” of CPTSD, I can 1000% relate. But even more profound was hearing you, Anna, telling this doubtful person that she is real woman. As a neglected child of CPTSD we are so programmed to be invisible that simply humanizing and validating this individual’s existence, rocked me to my core profoundly and made it even more unexpectedly personal.❤️ Thank you
I'm so glad it resonated, thanks for your comments!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Same !
YES!! I absolutely know that once s*x is involved, I'm hooked! I find myself imaging this awesome relationship. Meanwhile, I'm completely outta touch w reality. Then I watch our repore deteriorate and crumble bc I'm not present. Then I wonder what happened. Have been doing this for years. So glad I can recognize this pattern!! 😌
I can relate to this!
Oh, I can so relate to this woman’s feelings. I was not in the exact situation, but recently cut ties with a man who really wasn’t showing up for me. I felt guilty and like I had just overreacted to a situation where he was clearly showing interest in another woman. You are very right, though, Anna. I was too afraid to speak up and say what I really wanted, but the whole thing felt very icky. I feel like I am so old to just be learning how to date, but so very grateful to have found you, and have a chance to learn now!
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Learning how to date for a highly sensitive person, for someone with CPTSD, for being over 40 because grown-up men are different than when you dated in your youth 😳
OMG it IS SO much work! After years of SO much work to heal 🤦🏻♀️
I was married for 31 years to an abusive man and a narrisst! I always was in denial about my husband flirting with waitress because he told me he loved me! I know he was screwing everyone but me when I look back! When someones words dont line up with their actions its manipulation!!! How stupid was I???
One of my exes suggested we make our relationship an open relationship with set boundaries. I reluctantly agreed to this but even those boundaries were eventually "too restrictive" and he crossed the line. For me, it was instantly over. In retrospect, I should have listened to my gut that *I was not ok* with ANY form of open relationship. Kim, my heart goes out to you. I had similar childhood upbringing issues (emotionally absent father, emotionally abusive mother). It's great you reached out to Anna. I hope the feedback helps.
There is something very clear-cut about someone who cheats even in a non-monogamous context. Absolutely despicable. I'm glad you know your boundaries, now. Nobody should be dragged into nonmonogamy just to appease someone else.
What if you are too old to recover? It’s sad to have to grow old alone because of a stolen childhood and then the consequential relationship failures that plagues your life. Until you finally realize you are all out of do overs. Its too late. Im so glad that knowledge is so available now so that lives dont have to be wasted anymore. There is so much hope for the walking wounded now. Thank you for offering solutions and hope to lost and hurt human beings.
here's why I think later life is a good time to recover: czcams.com/video/O-iC9S8IobU/video.html
It’s never too late to invest in yourself. Sending huge love to you, because I know you can and will take the first steps. You already have by posting your comment.
I'm 34 and I thank you for this comment.
Lynda, it is never to late...I know of 2 people in their 90's who met in a retirement home and fell in love and got married...there is a growing number of people who live past 100!!! Your picture looks pretty cute...
Yeah, if he genuinely thought the waitress would be just a friend, he probably would have said to the girlfriend "do you like her? maybe we should invite her to hang out?" Frankly, I'm not interested in committed relationships with men have who a bunch of female friends hanging around. In a group or a couples date, sure. Otherwise, that's what you call an orbiter. No thanks!
Me too. It's an instant no if a man has lots of female 'friends.' From past experience it usually means they've either dated them, slept with them or they want to sleep with or date them in future.
The title sums up my life perfectly. My brother didn't make it. I'm clinging on by a thread a lot of the time. As someone on this channel wrote - we'd rather call ourselves crazy rather than admit how bad things are in our family. Many many thanks to people on here who write things that help others. Just by your honest observations and comments, you help. Your comments really help.
Oh boy, I've had this kind of doubt a lot in my life, and yes, with disastrous outcomes. I think we do it because we don't want to be the controlling abuser. At least I know I used to be very compliant because I didn't want to force my wishes and worldview onto someone like others did to me. That's why limits get so fuzzy.
I tottaly agree
This has been a pattern for me my entire life not only in romantic relationships but also when trying to make friends. I’m slowly rebuilding my filter.
Kim! You knew what was going on! Don’t doubt yourself! Def express your feelings!
Absolutely. Often times trauma survivors do have good intuition and I think Kim was spot on here. She did well by leaving and not trying to force a threesome or poly relationship to work.
You Did Right Kim. I grew up in a Crazy way a mother not emotionally here dad never around i was raped at age 6, molested by my own grandfather from ages 9-11.Boy i have had a hard time growing up,, i am age 64. i have came a long way. I still struggle some.. my life has bern riddled with CPTSD. Thank YOU FOR THESE Videos!! Kimi am proud of you!!
I'm a polyamorous person in a monogamous marriage. We are both open, honest and respectful of each other's boundaries.
He was not respectful and CHOSE to ignore what are very clear cues.
You were classy to do what u did. Kudos to u! Im proud of u for putting your foot down and full blocking.
From my experience being in the poly Community for over two years, you are one of the rare ones. Good luck on your journey!
This triggered a flashback to a conversation I had with my ex when I told him how uncomfortable I was about his behaviour and he kept brushing it off and insisting he loved me. And then I said, 'I don't think you love me, you just haven't found a new person to get into relationship with yet'. He told me to eff off and we stayed together another year or so until he finally lay us split up and few months later his new girlfriend was pregnant. The trouble with all this is that the whole time I was convinced I was someone who had good standards for herself and wouldn't put up with any disrespect. 🥺
She had to say crying that his wishes were not ok to her and he acted like it didn't happen. It can be difficult to point if we are wrong even then, but you know what is easy? To think what you would wish for a treatment instead of what you got. A real partner would APOLOGIZE and let go of the issue.
He was abusive, cheated anyway, and only made her trust issues worst. She did told the guy. That was all that she needed to do to make him act properly. Any other normal person would noticed she was unconfortable, most likely.
Ask for the waitress number like he was not interested. Wasn't supposed to even think about it. Disrespectful with Kim and the worker.
Did good to leave him and block him. Toxic guy, begone!
My mother and my ex-wife were both narcissists. My whole relationship with them consisted of being told I was wrong about everything, and I always believed it. I keep repeating the pattern.
Once we get right with ourselves no one can make us wrong again. It’s liberating, it’s possible, and when we begin to invest in ourselves fully, we lose weight, we become vibrant we form new values and boundaries. It happens, it’s never too late it simply happens when the healing work is done.
Kim - My heart goes out to you and know that so many of us see ourselves in you. The doubt, the fear, the intense desire to love and be loved. I want to give you a million round of applauses for standing your ground and leaving as soon as your boundaries were grossly disrespected. I have yet to reach this level of self love myself but I’m here because I’m working on it. Thank you for writing in and sharing something so vulnerable and present in your life.
Anna - Thank you for all the work you do and thank you for the tough love you dish out to the people who need it most. As somebody that regularly gets lost in the fantasy of it all, finding your channel has been a Godsend.
Blessings to all who read this. We all have the power to heal ourselves and fulfill our greatest desires. I believe in you! ❤️
The problem is that those of us with childhood abuse/PTSD feel like we are not loveable and therefore we have a hard time finding anyone to love us, besides the fact that the reality is there is a lack of decent, loving men around these days .
Stop blaming men.
There is not a lack of decent men or women, there is a lack of self respect and boundaries and emotional clarity with many, that turns them/us into the farthest state from whole.
Yes, and no.There is no problem, really, only our inability to be alone and happy if the options are slim.
No one person will make you feel loved - if you don't start believing you are worthy of love. Healthy self-respecting partners do not want to be with someone who will always act like a victim and need and need and need - forever hungry and never taking responsibility for building up a supply of self-love.
I was a romance addict at one point - and looked to men, relationships, romance to fill a hole - which was created by childhood trauma - expecting to make me happy.
Women are socialized to be victims - to believe they are incomplete humans without a partner. This is BS. But CPTSD just compounds this myth - and as long as we are chasing this golden goose of a relationship where ALL our emotional needs are supposed to be met - where our deepest happiness always lives outside of our actual control - dependant upon the whimsicality of a human being and how they behave with us - we will NEVER feel secure, happy, or truly loved for the long term. Our romantic partners should never be burdened by being our MAIN reason for happiness, that is an unrealistic and oppressive expectation.
I say this as a person who has worked through CPTSD as well as Bipolar Disorder 1. It was and has always been my job to find out how to heal my own trauma -Thank God I believe I am lovable enough to work on my healing with everything I have - and not waiting for some Prince Charming to rescue me from myself.
Well done Kim. 10 out of 10 for kicking him out of your life. A suggestion of a three some is NOT OK.
Love these videos and wish I knew this stuff 40 years ago. Trusting myself is so hard, I went too fast in relationships and ended up with a long list of relationships where I was convenient while they looked around doing whatever they wanted until I was able to wrench myself from them.I hold out hope to try again with these tools but at 65 in a pandemic...
🙂
i'm well aware of my red flags but i'm constantly gaslighting my own self, making excuses to myself for the other person because maybe my red flags are false, or maybe they didn't mean it, or they can change. And years later a big pile of red flags is staring at me, the final red flag goes up & i crack, and i can't excuse it anymore.
Oh I wanted to add.
I've had my first real test since I left.
A man I was very attracted to liked me.
When we talked I could tell that he was another guy that I usually would fall for no matter all the red flags.
I talked to him and stood my ground.
I could never be more than friends.
It was so hard for me.
We are still friends.
We hang out.
I'm so grateful I decided the decision on who I have a romantic relationship with is up to me. Not the other person. I get to choose 😊
I also want to say that possibly being alone for a bit to fall in-love with yourself and trust your perception would be good for you.
literally me and friendships. more just shocked at ppl and rather believe they are someone the are not to my detriment and even worse some of my friends as of late like to act like all of my boundaries are "trauma responses" and thus get minimized or ignored, when my boundaries dont have to do with trauma, just basic decency for godsake
Really she should have ended it when dude picked up another woman in front of her.
Yeah, that was my original thought! Like, I cannot believe this guy had the nerve to do that. However, if you asked me 10 years ago, I would have tried to play the cool girl because he always accused of me being jealous. No, I wasn't jealous it was a normal reaction when a guy I was dating did something that was inconsiderate. At least she dumped his ass before it got worse!
"You have been trained to be able to listen to lies and accept them, and doubt yourself." Wow
This letter is yet more evidence that doing the work, works. Second time around, the letter writer’s intuition kicked right in, even before her conscious mind could register it. All that meditation and therapy and self-care is paying off in spades.
Fascinating to see such a clear example of how we second-guess and doubt and talk ourselves BACK IN to these toxic circumstances. We are so much more comfortable in the stuck spots.
This letter really helped me see how I have set the stage for this type of hurt, and Anna‘s advice is so clear and sage about how to stop those patterns. For so many years, I just couldn’t even see what I was doing that kept me in proverbial chains.
I’m starting to have hope that I can have a roadmap to the healthy foundations that I have been seeking in a relationship. And I’m so grateful for the way Anna isn’t afraid to voice that most of us ARE actually looking for something we can rely upon, and it’s not ok to pretend like we want less and then expect our partners to magically give us what we’re afraid to admit we want.
Best part of this video for me, though, is highlighted by the title. This is such a clear example of how we really were primed to ignore red flags and just push right past them, as if the strength of our own conviction is the determining factor as to whether a crappy situationship will ever turn into true love. Black and white, cause and effect. I have never been able to see that so clearly before. 🙏
Oh, one last thing I’ve been noticing, as I’ve gotten more realistic about how long to takes to build up the necessary trust with a person before getting intimate with them, is that it’s actually a sigh of relief. I’ve spent decades on high alert that my true love might be right around the corner and the possibility of all the changes that could potentially lead to in my life. The idea that, even if I met them tomorrow, I would still have several months (at least) before it would be time to let them into my sanctum is really a freeing thought.
At the same time, it explains why some friends who are interested in more than a friendship will hold on for so long, even when I feel I’ve expressed that I’m not interested in them romantically. I suppose that, for all intents and purposes, just maintaining a friendship lends hope to the possibility that more will develop in the long run. So they’re doing it the right way, and slowly building attachments over time, when all the while I am feeling like I’m just biding time until someone I can form an attachment with comes along. 🤦🏻♀️
Oh, what tangled webs we weave.
I would draw a line if someone I'm dating is asking for another girl's contact info to hang out, especially right in front of me! I know how CPTSD can blind us though! I see myself in the story here even though I've recovered enough to know better now. I hope she finds someone who is looking for the same level of committment, openness and honesty as her
I have been trying to erase myself and am so tragically hurt when i feel unimportant to someone else...didnt want to leave evidence of being there, but i am facing the pains that has caused me and finally realizing how i have hurt others blinded by my own pain and suffering. Smh. Its hurting pretty badly now, but the dysregulation fog is clearing out, thanks to the clarity, support, and hope I found when I stumbled across this channel
I felt such pain listening to this. This was me for so many years. I have finally, very late in life, woken up and will never allow someone to treat me like that ever again. Your videos are so spot on. Thank you. This woman who wrote in sounds so sweet and I hope this helps her. She absolutely did the right thing.. no question about it
No matter what this guy is definitely a jerk.. he knew you had been hurt recently.. he knew you were still carrying wounds but went ahead with his basically dream to have two woman at once
You are without a doubt better off without him your decision came from strength, the adult within you protecting the wounded adult and child that still resides in your heart.. picture that strong adult guarding you, sword and armour.. chanting no worthless dickheads to touch this precious woman ..
You'll find someone who is worth giving your love to until then stand strong 💖
Sometimes it's helpful to go back to the first signal. IF he valued what he was building with Kim, he would have left it for her to connect with the woman. When you're invested in someone, you aren't going to do things that leave them with doubt. I'm learning that the first signals should never be ignored, they're previews of what's to come, and our ignoring them is the slippery slope toward losing ourselves. Doubt is there for a reason.. listen. What's wrong for YOU is always wrong, it's not a judgment on the other person, it's respecting and honoring our own sense of well-being. Big part of that is knowing that we DESERVE what makes us feel loved.
I wish I saw this when I was dating after a messy divorce. I raised my standards and the world sent me an awesome guy. I had to wait for him for seven years - which was hard, but it was worth it. Will be married ten years next year.
I feel SO much for this woman. Same thing happened to me with my husband of 15 years, only I wasn't smart enough to say no. He pressured me into having threesomes with one of our female friends, and surprise! He had already been having an affair with her but hiding it from me had become inconvenient for him. It took me a LONG time (and even more abuses of my trust) for me to get out. I am so proud of her for telling him it's over and throwing his stuff on his doorstep!
I've been alcohol-free 19.5 years now. Being 100% present in my own life, 24/7, makes it excruciating to "play" with men anymore (found that out the hard way). With no anesthetic numbing down my emotions, sex becomes bonding, whether I want to or not, so ... I need to want to bond. And that desire doesn't come overnight. It's that simple. Life now is much better - clear and steady. I work on my accountability and pay attention to what I really want. I am a major catch and I know it now.
YES!!!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You were right to have the reaction. He was not nice.
Oh Kim! I just want to give you a big hug. You are not wrong, and you deserve so much more! You really, really do! Own your standards! ❤️
we GASLIGHT ourselves. I do it also . Believe what you see. Believe what the other person is showing you how they feel about you the FIRST time!!!!! period point blank
That's mad how true that is!! I keep doing the same thing and jumping into stuff with unsuitable men, then it takes me months to get out, then I'm down for ages before I'm ready, and I realise I wasted so many years in this pattern! I also do this with one sided friendships tho tbh...
I feel you. The majority of my friendships my whole life have been crumbs only on my end, and the friendship is much more important to me than it is to them. I only have a few friends now, and I'm not for large circles of friends anymore.
When you feel really, really strongly about something, then that's what you really feel!
Holy Cow! I have 'listened' to you before, but I wasn't really "listening". Your feedback on that letter was to a letter I might have written if that makes sense. You spoke to so many of my issues. I have been in therapy most of my life, but things have been getting worse and I have literally given up on all of my life. Nobody seems to understand or get it. My problems have been with everyone, not just men. But everyone. There might be hope here. I hope so. I will keep coming back. Thank you.
How is having a threesome NOT cheating?
EVERYONE needs to research narcissism. Knowing EVERYTHING there is to know about narcissism so that you can pick up on their deceit and manipulation is KEY to surviving and thriving.
If you are not aware of ALL the signs and deceptive behaviors YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A VICTIM. Learn EVERYTHING you can about narcissism. Educating yourself on narcissism is your first and most important line of defense.
If you don't research narcissism and learn everything you can about it, you will NEVER FULLY HEAL.
You won't have the knowledge to avoid these types of people.
To FULLY HEAL you must know this stuff.
I wouldn't recommend it for everybody but at the age of 65 I found it's just easier to live alone. But like I said I am older and the need is much much less now to have someone in my life. I spent 50 years picking the wrong partners and being run down mentally emotionally physically just everything. I've been alone 3 years now and I've never felt stronger. I don't suffer daily put downs and feel like I got to walk on eggshells. I'm so glad I found your channel you just made me understand the whole last 65 years of my life.
It's sad but also hilarious thinking "I'm having deep reservations about this" but conveying "Maybe in the future I can abandoned myself completely/ some more..."
Also, portraying " cool and unbothered" on the outside with uncertainty and anxiety on the inside could be used as a signal you're abandoning self. I need as many of these as I can get.
I’m so grateful for your videos. I’m only 22 so I am really happy to be learning these things NOW and start healing NOW rather than later.
I think there is a lot of plain wisdom here. You don’t have to let other people define your boundaries and you never have to lie about how you feel. As long as no one is hurting other people, there is no reason anyone should have to lie and mislead others and if anyone isn’t up front about who they are and it’s not just some simple misunderstanding, than it’s manipulation. It sounds to me like in this story her partner would have no reason not to know what her preferences were. I also think if someone’s partner is interested in monogamy it should be reasonable to think that holding fantasies and feelings for other people, let alone acting outside the relationship would be objected to. This isn’t just a lesson for people who are being potentially manipulated in these scenarios but for those who may be on the other side and have a misunderstanding of how to respond to the wants and needs of another. Being faithful to others in the way they want is difficult, but there is no such thing as a good relationship where we don’t meet the stated needs of our partners. I think it can also be a lesson to honestly communicate and come to level ground early, but it’s so understandable that not everyone wants to talk about that right away. I think one thing that is important is to build confidence and a willingness to confront in the people that fear this confrontation and that’s a lot of us. If someone does something with other people that we don’t like in our relationships, we can bring it up right then and there. People should know if they are mistreated, that they have family, friends and potential partners in all kinds of other places who will treat them how they want and need and they don’t need to be treated in a way they don’t like. Life is too short and we are worth more.
I'm literally crying right now none has ever made me feel understood. Thank you for being honest
Glad it resonates.
It's OK girl, I feel you...
I am totally detached from myself, too and I doubt my perception all the time...
I don't trust my feelings or my thoughts...
Keep working in yourself, that's all we got...
Thank you, thank you, thank you CCFairy!!! I needed to hear this 🙏🏼💜 My mom told me to lower the bar a long time ago, and even though I thought “Heck No” at the time, the CPTSD made me doubt myself. At 50 I still haven’t met the secure trustworthy loving man I want to be with. “You get to have Love in it” brought me to tears. It’s time to erase self-doubt and truly embrace my True Love Relationship Standard.
Thanks for sharing!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I feel so encouraged 2 weeks ago I watched this..this morning I realized it and started to skip over it..then said no watch it again. The first time I viewed it I 'kinda' saw the offense of this guy taking someone else's phone number in front of her. Nothing else seemed a red 🚩. This view I saw like 9 red flags but the biggest one is when Kim asked was she wrong for breaking up with this guy. Like I felt sorry for her trauma self blocking her true value. People keep doing the work...it will work for you!!!
This was so painful to listen to because I been there. I’m so sorry you are having these issues. Please never abandon yourself. It leads to misery and poor decisions. Please follow Anna’s advice to the best of your ability.
Haven't even gotten to the rereading but I have to say, dear, that your response was justified. Big hugs.
Red flags show up in friendships too. I recently ignored red flags and I will never ever do that again.
Problem is, in today's dating world, sex is the test to see if someone is worth being with you. Especially in gay world.
Weirdddd. I don't like that. People put too much emphasis on sex and less on sensuality and intimacy and romance. Those latter 3 things take time and understanding, compassion, honesty and openness. Sex doesn't take anything, it's easy and a dime a dozen
Yeah the "cool girl" and the "nice guy" can hit the road. I'm not interested in them anymore. I want real and good from now on.
I really like something that Richard Grannon teaches. Learn your values.
At the beginning, Anna points out how Kim was basically in her head trying to figure out if she'd done the right thing or if she was over reacting. Now I'm not saying that we shouldn't also understand our feelings about things. That is definitely a huge part of it. But there's more to it in helping to understand ourselves and the answers to our self-doubt. For me personally, getting to knowing my values has helped me understand my boundaries and my deal breakers. It helps me understand that if something bothers me, it's okay that it bothers me. And it doesn't matter if it bothers someone else or not. You can do a search for core values and find lists of them. How I did it was look through and pick out some that resonated with me. The lists help to understand what a value even is because most of us were likely not brought up to have them because one, our parents didn't have them or understand what they are, and two, it does make a person easier to manipulate and take advantage of.
PS, I know RG isn't everyone's cuppa tea but that's where I learned about this so I wanted to give credit where credit's due.
Yes indeed: Values. And RG is great. Thanks.
There's nothing more poetic, sincere, and beautiful than what's shared at the 25.55 mark and beyond. What a beautifully phrased truth spoken that all of those overcoming C-PTSD need to hear and be convinced of.
I married four husbands because of ptsd !!! Most were alcoholics & drug addicts. I’m still trying to remember.
My psychiatrist completely betrayed my trust and my first thought was…It’s my fault because I had a feeling about him but chose to ignore it and give him the benefit of doubt.🤦🏿♀️
@@Charmenda Thank You!!!!
I’m so glad I found this channel via Therapy in Nutshell. This speaks to my soul !
this hits home so much. deep inside we believe what we've been taught that how we feel what we want and need and even who we are is not ok.... that's all lies. we don't owe anybody and explanation for how we feel what we need. we do not need to justify ourselves to anybody no human gets to judge us and define us and our reality anymore. we need to love our self honor our self don't give our self away. I began physical with person felt instantly bonded and it took 20 painful years to get out and start healing.
wish i was her friend she needed to hear she's in the right and doesn't deserve this!! but even more she needed to know it in her heart
Kim, You did exactly what you should have done. This man had no interest in a monogamous relationship and you are 100% right that if he would have cared he would have called you immediately afterwards. You are lucky to have found out what kind of guy he was before things got more serious. That was completely innappropriate of him to spend time the way he did with that woman, it was even worse the things that they were talking about together. Don't doubt yourself here at all. You made the right decision. You need to trust yourself more.
You give such good advice in the most loving and empowering way..
I just finished with someone who was bread crumbing me because I knew I deserved better, but then I was beating myself up about it, doubting my decision. Your advice is such a wonderful reminder to stay true to me, love me and give my love to someone who deserves it.
Thank you 💜🙏
"When the student is ready the teacher will appear."❤
When the person is ready for true love, the true love will appear.❤
I'm grateful for those that are sharing their experiences and going through the letter bit by bit. I see so much of myself at different stages of my life in many of these examples. Thank you for helping us see the light 💗 🙏
Omg your words are so on target. So true we have to learn to respect ourselves so others will too. Once we decide what kind of person we want in our lives we need to be what we want in order to attract the likeness. It’s hard to let negative thinking go, but possible.
Anna I absolutely love how you give clarity to the reality of what’s being said and the advice you give offers support and does not sugar coat. 🙏💜
I can relate to everything being said and had a partner who would openly flirt with waitresses ALL THE TIME even years into our relationship. I was ‘crazy’ for questioning his being friendly. Eff being the ‘cool girl’. He ultimately left me for a ‘cool girl’…I’m glad you saw that what he was doing was not what you wanted. Applause for choosing you. 😊
I've been utterly conditioned to accept lies and blame, and just started realising that it just happened again. But this time, thanks to you, Anna,
I got it after only a day! instead of after it has gone on for two years, or
even marrying them.à
WOW! Success thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
"We told them it was ok through our lack of actions/boundaries..." that hit hard. Definitely feel seen with this.
I survived a ton of abuse and neglect as a child, coupled with a hefty dose of constant gaslighting, of course.
I've experienced similar stuff this person has. I didn't understand boundaries, and tried very hard to be the opposite of my abusive, controlling mother.
So obviously, I put up with all kinds of cheaters, abuse, cruelty from many partners (I'm bi, so they were both female and male). Because I wanted to be "chill" and not a "nagging shrew" 🙄
I never felt I had any worth, probably because my parents loved to tell me how unlovable I was- so I was just grateful that anyone would be with me at all.
I eventually met a good man, a freaking miracle, honestly. But he also has very similar issues. And my lack of self worth actually caused problems in our relationship. Luckily because we both come from similar abusive backgrounds, we seem to be able to be more aware of when the other is triggered or disregulated, and we can be supportive. But it's taken a TON of therapy, both individual and couple.
The thing that was most helpful that I learned from therapy was to value myself and my time enough to have standards. It made me realize I deserve basic respect and that me asking for such can be really helpful in relationships. You can be kind, and also assert your needs.
This has helped with all my relationships. I realized that all the friends I had actually were really toxic and hurt more than helped. They never respected my time or feelings. It was more like they were using me for attention (because I tend to be extremely loyal and generous to a fault in my relationships). They would get a lot from me, but they wouldn't even back me up in the simplest situations.
My husband too, even though he is a wonderful person who clearly loves me, would sometimes not prioritize our relationship in some ways (he wouldn't cheat or abandon me, but he is a workaholic, due to the trauma he's been through).
And after couples counseling, it was clear that one of the reasons was that I was sending signals (unintentionally) that I didn't want him to prioritize our relationship, because I didn't think I should be important. I didn't want to "get in his way".
Now I feel like I do have worth (it's taken YEARS to get there, btw, and it's not a consistent feeling), I'm more likely to communicate that I miss him, or that I need affection, and he says (and acts like) it really is a turn on. So our relationship is doing better than ever in 16 years 🙂
As for my friends, I've cut them off. It's hard making new friends during the pandemic, but I'm sure I will eventually. And when I do, I'm going to have some reasonable standards and try not to attach BFF status to people so fast.
I relate so much. I gaslight myself so much to the point of where I can justify someone abusing, manipulating, controlling, and neglecting me in relationships. Because of my childhood and mental illnesses, I always ignore my intuition and assume I’m being crazy and overly sensitive so it must be me. I don’t know how to not second guess myself every time.
I am so glad to find this channel I have made a conscious decision to change the direction of my life.
Thanks for taking us through another letter!
I was in a similar situation myself for 6 months. Though I struggled with the pain of heartbreak for 3 months after. So total it took 9 months of my life. The amount of time it took made it harder for me to forgive myself.
I am 36 and single. In my country, I am age-shamed for not getting married. So there is added trauma of not being "successful" in doing relationships.
Would love to know how to deal with self-bashing on wasted time, when my culture itself bashes me relentlessly for being late at having a husband.
Heey Lemon Springs :)
I feel you are more successfull in "doing relationships" than all those people who married young because there is cultural pressure. I'm Sure many ignored the Red flags just to Do what is expected. And i feel you are so much more successfull to listen to your intuition! Noone should be whith a partner who is abusive in any way. And emotional abuse is so hard to detect so please keep being honest with yourself. You did the right thing and gave yourself self worth by splitting up. I cheere for you and am so proud of us for standig our ground eben though it feels so hard and confusing sometimes.
And i think you are being a progressive empowered woman and you should be so so proud of yourself. I know its so hard if you feel cultural pressure all around you but I have soo much respect for you and i'm sure secretly maybe eben unxonciously many women your age whish they were not married yet!!!
Have strong relationships standards and dealbreakers and only if a potential Partner fits these consider them...
You are worthy of respect of your boundaries and a beautiful work of art that is supposed to be treated gently and considerate :)
Dear Lemon Spring, you are not ‘late’ at finding a husband. You are doing work on yourself that will allow the right person to be right on time in a meaningful, sustainable way when you find them. Let’s say you married this other guy that you worked hard to extricate yourself from - socially and culturally you may have been deemed successful, but what would your life FEEL like? Would that unhappiness feel like success to you? What if you married him and instead of losing 9 months, you lost 9 years before ending that relationship? Even if you had ‘lost’ 9 nine years, it would not be a cause for shame or guilt. The focus should always be on the part where you did what was best for you - however long that takes. I guarantee you that many women in your culture are unhappily married and not yet at the point where they feel they can do anything about it because they fear the shame of a failed marriage. It sounds like your culture will find a way to control (through shame) women in general for wanting better for themselves. You don’t have to take the shame - you can send it right back. You are a courageous and discerning woman and I am so proud of you for doing what’s right for you. People find love and (re)marry well into their 40s, 50s, 60s through 80s and 90s. Lemon Spring, you have time. You’d probably bash yourself for marrying someone who wasn’t right just for the sake of external validation, so no need at all to bash yourself for what you’re doing instead. All the love to you
I think it worth emphasizing to us c ptsd kids that waiting to have sex is Not just holding out as long as possible and counting the weeks or months. It’s having in depth conversations on dates, listening to what is discussed, asking questions, evaluating Actions not words and bringing something up if you don’t understand or are confused. Saying what you think, even if it’s a little rough, and not judging yourself for it. If the person is no good, they may try to defect or brush by the issue. That is not okay. The thing to do is Not keep trying, trying to understand, but feel comfortable with deciding you tried to clarify and this is what you got. You have to Leave and tell the other person, it’s not working for you. Speaking for myself, I was never taught this and didn’t actually do it until I was 50.
I can so relate to "Kim" even though I haven't encountered this exact type of relationship in my life. Thank you for sharing this with us all, Anna. You have a gift and it's wonderful that you share it.
Thank you for being a healing, loving presence on UTube! Thank you also for speaking the truth in such a loving and kind way! Nothing good comes from letting people use us!!