Accepting Crumbs in Relationships is a Survival Strategy from Childhood
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 19. 05. 2022
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Love is powerful: Even people whose parents exploited them still feel love, still long to be loved. Surviving abuse depended once on tolerating and fitting yourself to people who could not fully love. As an adult, this tendency keeps you trapped in half-love relationships. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman whose partner holds her at arms length with a lingering connection to his ex.
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I really have to give all my love to this channel and to Anna for uploading these stories. The perspective of crapfitting has really changed my life and helped me see the patterns Iâve been taking part in. It has always felt easier to give rather than take for me bc my self worth has been very low and made me literally afraid to ask for support.
But Jesus, this story was like a lollapalooza of red flags. And the sad thing is how much I can relate to all of it. Thereâs just something about Anna calling them out that feels fortifying.
Whatâs shocking is that this person SEES and can list all the red flags one by one very clearly, but she does not trust herself or her perception!!! This is the issue. Not being able to trust your own self when things feel wrong or not believing better is possible for you. She can SEE all these red flags and FEEL that theyâre wrong, but she doesnât TRUST her feelings bc wrong has been called normal for her.
She canât even trust that what her parents put her through was totally wrong. My heart goes out to her. I think the fact that she can SEE, means thereâs a lot of hope, if she just learns to trust herself and denormalize being treated badly.
Thatâs the hard, scary thing that Iâm struggling with, being able to validate and denormalize wrong behavior bc it has been so normalized! So itâs like you need really strong resources to hammer you on the head and be like not normal, not normal, not normal. And Anna helps with this.
The story here had so many red flags of neglect that I made a list:
-Not being helped by this person when you needed it even ONCE (and it wouldâve been easy/ appropriate for them to offer).
-Being told theyâre uninterested in dating (=they are not pursuing you, they arenât really interested, they have something going on).
-Generally feeling/ seeing that they do not consistently pursue you or show real interest in you.
-Feeling ignored.
-Being left to pay for things or take care of things that shouldâve been a shared responsibility or that you should have felt some care taking in.
-Just feeling something isnât right! That you would act differently.
-You're trying to invalidate your feelings, talk yourself out of the discomfort you feel. Your not practicing self- validation and affirmation.
-Trying to minimize and invalidate your discomfort by telling yourself that they will act in a way that you do (but they are a DIFFERENT person and do you have consistent evidence they will act similarly?). Just bc you can be appropriate, doesnât mean they can.
-Their being inconsistent, saying things that are inconsistent with what was previously said or which feels off.
-Feeling that they are cold towards you, or hot and cold.
-Your taking pride in keeping things happy and peaceful even when youâre hurting! As if your self worth is defined by keeping the peace. (Again self-invalidation, manipulative toxic positivity. You should be able to name hurts without feeling like naming them is your fault!)
-Their not being accountable and avoiding subjects that you need addressed for your emotional health.
-You feel you arenât as worthy as others and so you feel you cannot ask for what you really want.
-Your having to often initiate and be the pursuer. You feel pressured into role of facilitator bc of th other personâs lack of responsibility or interest.
-Their exes or friends treat you disrespectfully or inappropriately and they donât stand up for you.
-You donât feel really prioritized or valued consistently.
-Their effort into your relationship doesnât seem enough or equal.
Can we pin this so it goes to the top? It's a really good list.
Ditto
Nailed it. đđ»
I agree..I just fell upon this amazing therapy help etc...this woman has helped me more than 40 yrs of shrinks!
God thankyou & bless!
Great comment. It was helpful for me as much as her video. Bravo.
If a person keeps you in a state of confusion, move on. You want someone who wants to be with you and is clear about it. Not making excuses.
I lived like this all my life with a parent and 21 years with a spouse. It was when he said to me that there was still a chance for him and his ex to be together did I feel that it can't get any clearer. She can have him. Four years since I left and they still aren't together and so obvious that he was trying to keep me in that state of confusion.
YES!
@@mos8896 glad you had the strength to leave, and I hope you are doing better!
â€â€â€â€â€â€â€â€â€
Thanks I needed this. Iâm in this situation with two guys at the moment. Hook up culture is a nightmare. No one in their mid to late twenties seems to want anything serious anymore
This also happens in friendships as well. Accepting crumbs from people who you thought were friends, where you were always the one putting in efforts and being there.
Irene, yes it does apply to friendships too. I had a 'friend' a few years ago who made plans twice with me, and twice threw me under the bus. Recently she posted on social media to my son for me to contact her. I said oh hell no, I used to be a 3-strike person; now I'm a 2-strike person.
The realest comment
@@AncientIntegrations I agree. I can't even rely on my own family; they're so into themselves.
Yes, Irene, good point!
Yup
The thing about childhood abuse victims is that they lose the ability to trust in their own instincts and it is these instincts that steer you best in your life. The writer already knows something is wrong but keeps on denying her judgement and does not trust it. I think this is one of the hallmarks of abuse and the resulting codependency, that you trust others more than yourself.
So true. Sometimes it even feels like the brain is forcefully trying to hide these thoughts and memories from you when you try to reflect on it. (at least my personal experience)
Aha! That sounds so familiar,
THIS! Thank you for putting it in such simple and true way.
Yes đ€
I was drawn to a book about codependency at a yard sale. I was very interested in this book so I bought it and after reading the characteristics concerning the people involved with these relationships, I discovered that most people appear to have these relationships, both person's are codependent and one supports this behavior that they really should not do. Very difficult for these to heal from this kind of behavior which usually lasts a lifetime.
I've noticed it works 2 ways: 1) seeking people out who only give me crumbs and 2) being uncomfortable with the rare person offering true intimacy or accountability!
Powerful realizations! - Ashley, Team Fairy
YES, this is so me!
Me too.
Yes me too. Its as if something blocks me frommfinding that person attractive. I don't feel the draining longing. I know it's wrong to habe it but still chase it. I don't get to feel what's right, even though i can listen to the facts and they seem to make sense. I think I might need a full time therapy on this, maybe a clinic stay.
@@JSa03089 From my experience, the longer you're lucky enough to be around patient, well regulated people, the more well regulated we become. Yes, we need trauma healing, but modeling and acceptance are VITAL. "Spark" is often familiarity (negative) to us. Befriending such folks is only to your advantage, no need to force things, but you'd be surprised how alluring steady, caring behavior can become! đźđđ
Trauma can lead to a very isolated lifestyle. Many times, these "crumbs" are all we have. However, it always leads to heartbreak.
Oh this rings so true!
@@AncientIntegrations I can relate. It can feel like crumbs or nothing. After a while, I realize itâs choose crumbs or myself because Iâm not alone if I can choose myself. Although I understand how it can seem like and feel like that
Yep đąisolation vs. poor treatment
đ„șđ„ș
Going through this now
When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them the first time. Maya Angelou
Especially when the mask slips.. oops. And yes - remind yourself as much as you need to that it was all an ACT! đ đđŹ
Yes
Wish Iâd taken that advice. Sadly I was so thirsty for love, I accepted less.
So true!
Yes, when they SHOW you who they are, believe them; do not believe them when they tell you who they are. Actions are always they way to determine a person's character or lack of same.
If you grow up in a family who is more attracted to punishment than to kindness, the consequence is that you will end up believe that you donÂŽt deserve kindness.
SO VERY TRUE! I have settled all my life! Even with friends. I do and do for them, they use me and use me until I get sick of it and I walk away. That is because I was the Scapegoat of my family⊠the Empath⊠the do it for you, take care of your kids⊠blah blah blah! When u grow up like that you think that is what you have to do for love and friendship. And believe you meâŠTHERE ARE TONS OF PEOPLE OUT THERE JUST WAITING FOR SOMEONE LIKE USTO COME ALONG!!! Narcissist LOVE US! We pay, we comply, we ask for nothing and we are perfect for them! UNTIL WE STAND UP FOR OURSELVES!!
â€
Great quote. I'll need to remember this.
Hard to read. But so true
Out of all relationships that I have had only one was non toxic.
I'm hopeful to meet more people like my old bestfriend.
I was told that I deserved the whoopings I got everyday. My Dad would say, I don't know what you did but I know you deserve this. (not sure that was true)
But men continued the cycle. You deserve this. You want this, you like it.
Ah. No. You are out of line. But it has been something that has happened. I am a strong, fit, and am a female alpha (or so I've been told. I don't think about it)
Men want to Conquer me.
Now am in a healthier relationship with myself.
People traumatised as children often appreciate being alone far more than those who come from happy childhood homes.đ
isolation and lonesomeness means no drama or conflicts, just you. but in her other videos she explains it makes people cravbier and easier to agitate as we lose our social conditioning in our isolation.
it's a double edge sword in becoming a reactive person like a dog on a chain.
we feel the peace of being alone but deep down.. we crave nurturing warmth.
True for me.
I never thought about it that way before. I can relate.
True, trueâ€
Just reading the title hurts. Itâs really painful when the realization hits that youâve had bad partners because youâve settled for partners who behave in ways no one else would accept- just to be able to âhave Someoneâ. Youâve sold yourself short because you didnât believe you were âgood enoughâ⊠for fidelity, attraction, love, financial stability, supportâŠ. On and on. No one needs a bottom of the barrel relationship⊠especially with oneâs self.
Exactly!đŻ
It's especially difficult for us to see that someone really doesn't care for us at the moment. I guess because our parents who were supposed to love us abused us. I can only see in hindsight what should have been obvious. Even the times they were really cruel to me. I believed their sorry, I won't do it again. We weren't taught that we were valuable and worth protecting.
So true
@@lisacurtis8162 It seems like a good possibility that our parents showed us something that wasnât love- but they called it love. We believed them and now, when real love shows up, we canât see it as love. We seek what our parents gave us, instead. Does that make any sense?
@@eponymoususer8923 yes it does make sense. It's the nature of a child to trust and believe their parents. Parents are the source seeing what's true. That's how the child finds out who they are. Good, bad, beautiful, loveable? How we see the world. And we do look for and attract the same kind of people, same type of "love" as we were raised with even though it's not love. Love doesn't take, it gives.
As Michelangelo said, "âThe greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it.â
Breadcrumbs do not a loaf of love make...
Love this!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Nice!
Dang thatâs good!
The romantic version of Glass Ceiling, so true.
Thank you đđŒ.
The sad part is, it takes decades to learn this. I made excuses for friends for decades.
But still not too late!
-Cara@TeamFairy
âDo not love half lovers
Do not entertain half friends
Do not indulge in works of the half talented
Do not live half a life
and do not die a half death
If you choose silence, then be silent
When you speak, do so until you are finished
Do not silence yourself to say something
And do not speak to be silent
If you accept, then express it bluntly
Do not mask it
If you refuse then be clear about it
for an ambiguous refusal is but a weak acceptance
Do not accept half a solution
Do not believe half truths
Do not dream half a dream
Do not fantasize about half hopes
Half a drink will not quench your thirst
Half a meal will not satiate your hunger
Half the way will get you no where
Half an idea will bear you no results
Your other half is not the one you love
It is you in another time yet in the same space
It is you when you are not
Half a life is a life you didn't live,
A word you have not said
A smile you postponed
A love you have not had
A friendship you did not know
To reach and not arrive
Work and not work
Attend only to be absent
What makes you a stranger to them closest to you
and they strangers to you
The half is a mere moment of inability
but you are able for you are not half a being
You are a whole that exists to live a life
not half a life.â~
~Gibran Khalil Gibran
I stumbled across this randomly after a half-lover ex that I loved dearly and wholeheartedly dumped me. It totally hit home and made me cry. It is such a beautiful poem, and it makes so much sense đ€
â€
After she was done reading I screamed RUNNN. Let him and his ex be miserable in purgatory together. You are being used for an ego boost. I've been there. You are passive and easy too obtain and he knows it - he'll never appreciate you.
100%
I swear ..run fastest.. not everyone introdyce only special people to their family. someone who can not be vulnerable with you and you need to keep on coaxing is twisted set of problems. a person has to be 100% interested and willing to be with you
@@Applauseify yeah, my ex introduced me for hir brother and took me in his house with his brother many times, spoke about me for his mother and sister (another city), for his company partner, took me to end of year party there...and I was thinking that was getting serious but no... he was coca addicted and he was just exhibiting me for people seeing him as ok I'm normal I'm responsible, look what A WOMAN I'M WITH! Sad. They don't CONNECT .
Thank you. I will remove myself from the sad loveless love triangle
@@joannelewis8038 you are a great person and deserve love and respect, never forget that!!!
I am a sole believer that men, when they want to be committed EVERYONE will know. Men can be very shameless in the pursuit of what they deem worthwhile. If he ainât trying to impress you he donât want you, he is just ok with you being there.
Exactly, this is the kind of mindset we need to spread to younger generations but new ideologies as feminism make it hard to understand for some women and toxic red pill videos make men believe they need to act as ladies, being passive, lazy, low effort dudes.
@@marte1376 feminism isnât at fault. Men are
We r in agreement on this one.
I needed to hear that â€ïž
Pocket knife You KNOW it!
The most painful relationship for me wasnât even the outwardly aggressive/emotionally abusive one, it was the relationship with a very passive/dismissive person who never seemed fully present in our time together. All of my concerns and issues were brushed off like nothing. There was no screaming, not even any arguing, but he acted like I was just a leaf blowing in the wind and nothing more than that. That was extremely painful for me and I resent him more than any of my other objectively âworseâ exes.
I get what you're saying exactly!
-Cara@TeamFairy
No one should treat someone poorly just because they are not romantically interested.
Exactly. This was my ex husband and it was insanely painful and hard to put your finger on because there was nothing concrete to point to and say "this is what's wrong." He did end up being a but abusive physically which is what finally got me away from him, but I used to wish he'd hit me instead of treating me the way he did. I'm so glad I got free from that.
WOW, I couldn't have put it better. My passive mistake shares the same name as OP's partner.
i do this with my gf because im getting overwhelmed easily by emotions. i think its better than exploding uncontrolably... i can feel its a huge complaint for her. i dont know what to change
In my last relationship, I convinced myself "if he can love me just a tenth as much as I love him, I'll be happy". It was only after the relationship ended, and I was in a place of reflection, that I realized that only someone who's been abused in the past couple possibly think that a tenth of the love was okay and enough.
When someone shows you their true colours, don't try to repaint the canvas âĄ
đ
đ„°
Can I make a note of this please to remind myself of this motto? (with your name of course, unless someone else said it)
@@Jo-whoknowshowmany I read it somewhere and it resonated so I wrote it down. I don't remember where though.
FACTS: when they show u who they are, know who they are!
My ex would usually say, âwhy should the man always payâ? Deep down, I always felt not good enough for anyone to pay for me, so I would agree with him. 8 years on I lost my job and couldnât pay half the rent, he told me âI thought we had an agreementâ, he spoke to me like I was a tenant. I ended the relationship. I am now working on myself and having therapy so I can learn how to value myself before I get into any other relationship. You get treated how you value yourself.
@@alexandra7950 yes !
Glad you got out of that relationship. After he used you, I'm sure he enjoyed all that free sex!!
She didnât say he should pay. I think the point was he partaked in the evening and pulled out nothing to pay for himself
It was okay for him to expect you to pay half the rent. Obviously.
It wasn't okay for him to treat you that way 8 years in after losing your job, when you'd paid all of your own way before that.
Never settle - even if you have had trauma- stay single till you understand to never give yourself to someone who hasnât earned your love and affection!
Seek good relationships. If you canât find good relationships, donât seek poor relationships. People have bad relationships because thatâs all they can find. Itâs okay to be alone.
So true. Single for almost 9 years. Not always easy, but better than being with the wrong person.
Yes! I've been single for 15 years!
People are so programmed. When I say this, exactly, I am often accused of being "closed off"." Hello??? Lol
I am so ashamed of myself for accepting the crumbs Iâve been given by a guy all this time. Iâve made so many excuses for his behavior, never once just accepting that this is not a relationship but a situationship. Im not even sure why I like him that much now, heâs changed from the person I first met, itâs just being rejected hits the abandonment wound.
Donât take on the shame of his actions. What you did was a human thing to do. Opening up to people is something youâre supposed to do, his taking advantage of it is not.
Take the lessons youâve learned and apply them to the next relationship.
Lessons arenât usually learned the easy way, has to be from experience.
Sending u light and love đđ
No no no do not feel shame. That shame will lead you to the next relationship that will be exactly like this last one. Do not feel shame for doing what came naturally. You would never choose it, if it didn't feel natural.
@@menotyou6254 you made me realize I needed to edit my original post-in the beginning, we seemed very compatible, then he became very negative over time and didnât go deeper, started shutting down. He claimed he wanted more with me at first but it turned out to be just empty promises. By the time I realized he wasnât going to go further in a relationship with me I was already in deep with my feelings. I hung on to the memory of the person he was when we met, hoping that person would resurface.
In a non-sexist world, these behaviors of deception when someone is seeking true love/pair bonding would be totally looked down on by men-instead of this being normalized. Itâs akin to stabbing a male best friend in the back. Deception in dating is immoral--big time.
Iâve done it too. And we are going to get better now. Best wishes to you.
As a kid, it's a starvation diet, & when someone breadcrumbs you it's easy to mistake as a feast! All tgese terms have meaning onky AFTER gaining perspective--which is a re-explanation of the whole world ... & yourself.
True, I was so neglected that any little positive gesture meant the world but in reality , it wasn;t much. I ended up having low expectation
Why I donât date
Wow this makes so much sense. This is me in any relationship, even friendship. If people are moderately nice to me, itâs a big deal to me
I love the analogy . This is so true
Yea I did same I had a relationship with a man who went on holidays without me I was so dumb not see that this sign that we were not working
Screw cold hearted people. Give yourself one year to level up. Really do it and level up whether that means through looks, diet, making money whatever it is whether you're a man or a woman level up and commit to it for 1 year until you are so past these these pieces of c*** that they can't touch you anymore.
Yes!
amen !
â€
Ameen sis
Love this!
"The presence of EXs means, usually, emotional unavailability."
Yup!
-Cara@TeamFairy
How about if he still married? My man is still married even though theyâve lived apart nine or 10 years. He just wonât get a divorce because of insurance reasons. I am ready to buy a house, but Iâm not sure how I feel about it having him moving well he still married.
â@@debbrenneman3407 if he is still married, he is committed to the person he is married to, regardless of the reason he tells you. He hasn't moved on legally or emotionally. You are wasting your time. He is not available.
@@colettespencer3357 thank you. Iâm not sure what to do. I will buy a house but it will probably be best if he gets divorced before moving in with me
@@debbrenneman3407 yes
Here's the thing... if you are having to analyze a dude's behavior even 1/10th this much ITS NOT THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP. The right ones don't require this much preoccupied thinking.
Absolutely with out a doubt... Not the Right Relationship! It should be easy and trustworthy! I'm in awh... Never really meet halfway through out our entire relationship. Red flags
Here's the thing...... when you are aware of your trauma, you analyze every relationship, you dont know what normal is.
I think that is the easiest way to go about things. If heâs confusing you then somethings wronf
@@dawn1568thisâŠđą
I stopped accepting crumbs 2 years ago and it is great! It was a bit lonely at first but then I started enjoying my company. I would rather be alone and happy with me then be with a vanilla man who makes me wonder why I am not good enough to invest in.
How long were you lonely and are you still?
@@szasremmurd8002 I would say it was less than a year. It is hard to say because it wasnât constant and got better as I worked on myself.
After 8 months of being alone, I made a very long and detailed list of everything I wanted in a partner and told myself I wouldnât accept anyone who didnât match what I wanted. 4 months after I made the list, I met a man who became my fiancĂ©. We started off as friends but I realized I liked him too much. So I told him I couldnât be his friend anymore because I had been in situations where I had fallen in love with a friend who didnât want to be with me romantically and it was too painful. He responded by saying he was falling for me too.
Turns out he made a list about me around the same time too, and we both feel like our lists describe one another perfectly. He is so, so, so kind and patient & I am glad I worked on myself and waited for him to come into my life!
@graciegardener. What did you do to work on yourself?
@@seekingenlightenment2026 hi! Thanks for asking! I did so much, I could probably write a book about it, lol, but Iâll try to give a shorter answer.
First I started painting again, and exercising (mostly walking and running). Then I started meditating, and doing positive affirmations, which I thought wouldnât do anything, but helped me so much. Then I figured out what my attachment style was and I worked on becoming more securely attached. I stopped blaming others for my problems and starting taking responsibility for my choices and actions. I stopped investing in things and people that were not healthy for me. I started having better boundaries. I forgave myself for all the stupid crap Iâve done to myself and others. I had pamper days where I treated myself like a princess; bought perfume, made healthy but indulgent food, gave myself a nice massage, had long bubble baths with champagne, wore lingerie to bed⊠and made sure I was happy and satisfied so I would not run to a man when I was lonely.
On my worst days I would dress up in a pretty dress, do my hair and go for a long walk and smile at everyone I met. I told myself I had value and I deserved better than laying in bed and crying and smoking. Little by little things improved.
I hope that helps! đđ
Same here
A person can âloveâ you and still not be right for you. Think more of what you need rather than what you want. Do you really want a flaky relationship where you are not appreciated? You deserve betterâ€ïž
my boyfriend i just broke up with really loved me, but i broke up with him because it didn't feel right no matter what. i feel so guilty. i want him with me. am i wrong?
Great post
@@kaeyaslut3545 maybe you realized there some things you need in the relationship he couldnât give??
Something âbetterâ could be being alone. Accept that he could be the âbestâ you can get, but he is still not enough for you. Itâs okay to be alone.
@@everetteborr in Mexico we have a saying:âBetter alone than in bad companyââŠwe donât have to be afraid of being alone, but some people are.
When you chase someone, you cheapen yourself. NEVER chase ANYONE!
Agreed: we split when I did not appear strong anymore
Every time Iâve had crumbs, the man in question always told me they didnât want a serious relationship and couldnât commit to me, I was too available too easy going and agreeable. Next thing I know, these men have given EVERYTHING to the next woman who came along!
You think so? I'm not saying you couldn't change your behavior for your betterment. But, I think we tell ourselves that they're going to be better with someone else and assume so. I realized usually they don't give better to the next because unfortunately they don't develop themselves much further. They didn't have it for themselves when they didn't have it to give to you. It's very superficial from the outside and easy to assume it's better than it felt to you.
May I kindly suggest that your thinking may be a bit off. When we see a former romantic partner move on, the assumption is that the next person is getting everything that we didnât, but that is not likely true. Unless that person is in therapy, or actively working on themself, then next person is getting the same treatment. Sure, they may get married or commit in ways, that they wouldnât with you, but you donât know their motivation.
This is how it went with me. Exactly. Not wanting to post pictures of me on their Instagram and didn't want me around their friends after 4 months of dating. Then after me pictures of his new girl all over his instagram constantly talking about how amazing she is. after 3 months of dating she met his mom.
He told me he wanted to take things slow and was afraid to be in a relationship but I was too stupid to realize he didn't want to be with me or take me seriously. I wasted 4 months. I use to blame online dating but the girl he's in a relationship with now they met on bumble so it was definitely just me and putting up with poor treatment.
@@KoreaMojo some actually do better with someone they actually want to be with. They treat some women poorly because they aren't that interested and don't want a relationship. It's not that don't know how to treat people they don't give the person they aren't into their all. They are getting everything they want for the time being, then they meet someone they really want to be with and put in their all. Obviously some people are just shitty all the time but I've been with guys who I could have sworn were terrible humans to me be amazing boyfriends to the next girl. Some women have no idea that their great boyfriends were Fuckboi's to someone else.đ
I think he wasnt attracted enough?
"They never took responsibility
for what they did to you which is one of the gravest abuses you could possibly do to another person"
WOW, What a lightbulb moment this statement is.
When people refuse to acknowledge what they have done to us it's their way of continuing the abuse. Never giving validation to the person or their right to feel what they feel because of the abuse.
We don't give other people their right to feel. This is good news. You can feel how you feel no matter who validates or doesn't!
i don't talk to people like that
They almost always justify their behavior in their own minds.
I feel like this about a parent...not accepting that they caused me suffering
âIâm sorry you feel that wayâ Is an apology in their mind đđą
I used to put up with the worst friendships. No boundaries, and not appreciated for listening to my friends problems for hours. And when I had an issue they had no time to listen. I kicked them to the curb. Goodbye and good riddance.
"It's called courtship and it's a good thing". I liked how she addressed it.
yes, why did we ever give up on courtship? And succumb to jump straight into relationships with someone committing to us?
Thank you! The title alone was enough to shock me off the fence to finally divorce my stingy crumb-dispensing estranged husband. What was I hoping for? More crumbs? My parents taught me I was worthless, unlovable, unwanted, etc. I'm done cleaning up the errant crumbs. Time to move on. Facing 70 and perfectly content with my own company
For me it was about being attracted to autistic men, not even knowing it was a thing. After a decade of study as to why I kept having horrible relationships, I discovered my mother is on the spectrum, the one who was very neglectful of my emotional needs and inflicted abuse on every level. The worst part is not the discovery....It's realizing what happened in your mid 60s.
You're here now :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
You know now. And remember, there's was no way you could have known, as there wasn't any information available about autism until very, very recently.
Don't ever be hard on yourself for that.
Iâm in my 70âs and dealing with childhood trauma now. Is never to late.
Ugh I was attracted to gay men
How do you change it?
This woman is very clear-headed, insightful, worth listening to. A problem I'd like to hear explored more: Selene was actually drawn to the avoidant personality, perhaps trained by her traumatizing parents to desire the type of person who's not good for you. A damaging childhood will rewire your desire that way. Hard to undo that
Actually I think the attraction to the avoidant personality came from the sex slave experience. When she was a child she was unable to avoid the intimacy of that vile experience, So now it's hard to separate the sincere and often intense attention that an ardent admirer may lavish on you from the lust and control of a demoralized person. Hence the attraction to someone who's "cool and aloof", Aka, possibly not really invested in you, feels more comfortable at first. But afthe relationship
â@irisvelez5482 I agree with the sex slave issue made her attracted to avoidance people I have the same issues similar background
You know my immigrant parents did not know any better. They operated in survival mode. However I am glad that I was given the opportunity to see that and forgive them. Yes I was neglected as a child and bullied by my mother. She was just hurting and did the best that she could from what she had. My wish for future generations is that mother's, especially the single ones are payed a decent wage and are allowed more time to spend with their families. It starts there. My mother had to fight to feed us and when she was stressed she didn't know how to release that anger. She was unaware. For a long time it hurt me and I would blame her. But again, she didn't know any better. I am 34 years young and I'm gaining a new awareness, healing my inner child and loving where I am in life. I do tend to be immature but I'm growing and evolving. I love when people can see my potential and help me foster that growth.
Thank you for the beautiful & hopeful share.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm a mother who has been stressed to the max to put food on the table & raise kids alone. Taking anger out on kids is never justifiable.
@@SM-cg5uy Exactlyđđ»đđ»đđ» There should be ZERO excuse making due to hardships, stress or âcultureâ. Wrong is wrong. Period
That's no excuse. It doesn't matter that someone did their best if it was crap. Hold them responsible for what they have done.
if her mother had more time, it would be more time to be what she already was. Those who are stressed at work and take it out on their children are also stressed at home and do the same.
This is so painfully true. I finally ended a crumb type relationship bevause he refused the only crumb I needed (which was simply to hear he was excited to see me) and it felt like a full blown breakup. This explains why.
That's heartbreaking. I'm sorry :/
Sorry to hear that. You have a lovely kitten! :)
@@emilyc4351 thank you for that
@@SiameseCats4ever aww thanks! Heâs more of a house panther now đ
@@bc2578 I agree đŻ
Itâs so common for women with CPSD to settle for crumbs and do all the footwork from people that wonât or canât connect and send mixed signals. This seems ânormalâ to us. Itâs not and donât settle for this treatment. Look at it as a life experience and move on to dating others sooner than later.
What she said about the âdating malaiseâ of times now really validated something for me. Iâve been saying that a lot the past couple years that thereâs no such thing as courting anymore. I think I was born into the wrong generation. Dating is worse than ever now. No one wants to take the time.
Before dating again, I would highly recommend a psychotherapy and a deep introspection. She should also consider denouncing her parents to the police. Dating is not her priority, now.
@@manda_musings8459 We should demand men to court us. If ever a suitor is not willing to, no need to tell you that it is a waste of time.
Because cruddy self help books and counselors tell these women that they are âtoo muchâ or have too much interest âtoo fastâ in their partners. So the woman thinks a man who ISNT that interested is just normal, when compared with her.
She wishes she could be âlike everyone elseâ and not get so excited so she attracts to men who act nonchalant like that and tries to date them.
@@fabiennepdt4898 but liars can court you
I was with a guy who, although not explicitly abusive, was unaffectionate, selfish, inconsiderate etc. And YET, he was really keen to get moving with all the "formalities" of a relationship, e.g. calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend, introducing me to his family at Sunday lunch. A lot of people just want the "possession" of a relationship, not to actually experience love, affection and commitment. It's very common actually, with both men and women.
My last relationship was the sameâŠwanted me there just to be there. Weâd visit his parents but he wouldnât really seek me out. I was just a captive audience for his mother. Weâd sleep in the same bed but there was no touching, no intimacy. When there were events that I could or wouldnât attend because of extenuating circumstances I was punished by his freezing me out. In the end I ended up asking âwhatâs the difference if Iâm there or not, you have nothing to do with me either wayâ. Over our relationship he touched me less and less while I was always affectionate, doing more and more trying to get him to love me while he did less and less, just showing up. It just seemed like he was just out to get as much as he could, as I was paying for more and more often I hate that of all my relationships this one seems to have done the most damage to me and my self esteem. Itâs been almost 10 months and I canât imagine dating and potentially getting hurt or mind fucked like this again. He had made a few disparaging remarks about me and my body that Iâm having a hard time of letting go.
You're nailing it on alcohol's role in mindless dating and empty sex. I"m 20 years alcohol-free. Two years out from my beloved late spouse's death, I'm dating at my speed: meeting for coffee, talking about real issues, and saying what I want. A lot of people out there are diving into sex not even because they want it so much, but because they want to go through the motions of intimacy to soothe themselves, without feeling or risking. And people around my age (69) are all bruised with divorces, deaths, and wayward children. It's easy to say, "let's have fun and see what happens." Almost inevitably someone gets hurt. I'm SO done with it all. I'm speaking plainly and respectfully with the guy I'm seeing now. We're deliberately holding off on sex, while flirting lightly and having fun. This is SUCH new territory for me! I like it. And by the way, I love what your husband said to you at the beginning, how clear his intention was. My late mate was not "politically correct," but I loved his directness. He said: I'm not sharin' you with ANYONE. I felt like I'd come home.
I can tell he wasn't into her when he took her on a date, and said it wasn't a date. If a man is not facilitating things, or seems unavailable in some way, or puts little to no effort in, it's a guarantee that he isn't romantically interested, and absolutely no amount of amazing personality traits from a woman or amazing beauty will get him to like her all of a sudden. This is what I've learned. There is an exception for avoidant and trauma affected men who self-sabotage, but the man in this letter had a lack of romantic interest that he was trying to force. Although, self-sabotaging men usually come on too strong and needy and repel the woman they want. Women can fall in love slowly, but a man will only find a woman he is truly interested in around 2 or 3 times a decade. This is true for myself, and 100% of other men I've asked about it too.
Also, I feel like the man in the letter was dumped, and is trying to find reasons to stay close to his ex, because he hasn't accepted that she doesn't want him romantically anymore. He isn't authentically her friend, because he is hoping for romance. He has been friendzoned it sounds like. So he is accepting crumbs in a way also. Better to stay away from men in this position. Many of them are hurting still and could use other women as a means to get over their ex, or distract themselves from the pain. Actually, people in general can do this. I know it's not popular and it's hard to do, but a no sex before marriage rule is a good way to filter these kind of guys out. Or at least hold off for a long time, and watch his level of effort and enthusiasm when he hears from you.
Very well said! đ I like how you included the perspective from both persons in that kind of relationship
agree
Wow. Love the insight from a man's perspective. I will definitely keep this in mind when I meet new men.
Sorry but you canât hurt other people to get over you hurt. No excuses.
@@kimberlyandrew9476 there is no manâs perspective. All people are individuals.
Her description of her boyfriend's behavior sounded nearly exactly like my ex-husband's. Unfortunately, I stayed too long and wasted 24 years of my life trying to make something work that was clearly very bad from the beginning.
You didnât waste your 24 years. You struggled, you processed, you learned, and you got out. Itâs not easy. You moved forward.
It's not wasted if you've learnt something from it â€
You basically got the equivalent of a doctorate in self growth from wrangling with a bad relationship that went on forever. You will never make the same mistakes and youâre value to humanity is immense for what you have struggled with. You can do all âcourseworkâ in one relationship or many before you reach the state of growth you need to begin your lifeâs work on a whole other level. Congratulations on your graduation and it sounds like youâre future looks extremely promising. đ
Oooh that hit hard. "Not taking responsibility for what they've done to you is one of the gravest things you can do to an abuse victim. Especially if it's your parents." I relate to this so much and can confirm....it really does hurt. No accountability, constant denial, chronic gaslighting...it's terrible. It leaves you with so much more difficulty gaining closure
Most of my childhood was spent feeling unloved and treated like an inconvenience. My fatherâs favorite nickname for me was âbig dummyâ and my motherâs favorite comment to me was âwho do you think you are?â meaning donât you dare show any emotion or any opinion that I donât like. I was shut down and slapped down (literally) often and eventually was told to leave their house.
How I learned to relate to men was through my mother who was hateful to my father and would go cold and not speak until she got her way. Until recently, Iâve repeated that pattern and have acted like a schizophrenic (apologies) when attractive men who I was interested in didnât return my feelings. I am so desperate for positive male attention, I fall for any guy who shows me any kindness or shows any interest. But then I become the one who comes on strong and becomes the pursuer. And it has never worked out. I become bitter and disappointed and feel like a loser and have basically given up on having anything similar to a healthy relationship.
I appreciate what you said about the dandelion growing through the crack in the sidewalk and I can definitely relate to that. I still have that spark of attraction and that yearning to be loved. It has taken me all of my adult life (Iâm almost 60) to come to terms with âwhat the hell is wrong with me!?â as far as romantic relationships, but Iâm learning- setting boundaries and enjoying life and enjoying the growth Iâve made in the past 3 years which has included therapy. This video was a Godsend! I feel like that dandelion that wonât be held down any longer. I CAN learn and grow and make better choices!
Thank you! â€ïž
Thank YOU for sharing with us, so glad you are in the community!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I relate to what you say. Thanks for sharing it
âRed flag at first sightâ. I love this woman!
Well, to me, selling your own child is evil, in purest form, these parents destroyed her , without chance for a sane self-concept, it makes them evil.
Playing with a mind of a child is evil .
So ,most people never have a normal, enjoyable life .
Where the hell were you when I was in my 20's????? I probably couldn't have absorbed this great advice then anyway. But what a wonderful lesson. You're a great teacher.
I worked as a behavior specialist for a few years, and it taught me so much. It's really rarely about single events, isn't it? but about patterns. I always tell people (including myself) to take note of unusual single behaviors (and if they're flags, then run) but DO pay attention to patterns of behavior bc they tell you all you need to know about a person, and regardless of words, patterns reveal who the person is over time.
I bet this other woman doesn't even have serious mental health issues. It sounds exactly like how my ex characterized his ex's- crazy, fragile, friend-less, needy... guess what? She's lovely and stable and has a rich life, he just needed to have an excuse for messaging her all the time and what ended up being stalking on his part. Don't assume the other girl is any of those negative things. She's probably just fine.
The other girl is popular and the life of the party. Sheâs a challenge to this girlâs boyfriend-the girl who doesnât really like him. And thatâs what men always want. The most difficult girl around, and as soon as a woman is nice, and available, she gets treated like trash.
As soon as I decided that my halfway house love was going to be converted to a friendship because neither of us to afford to move for the time beingâŠwell that got his attention and heâs really being so caring once againâŠbecause daily Iâm dissolving privileges he took for granted. He basically wants a comfy frat-house and an ad-libitum pot smoking routine and an excellent cook. Heâs shown me who he is and I am done. I need to work on my life 24/7 and the eventual final uncoupling, like my life depended on it because it really does.
Yes!
Actually I have a friend who is in this kind of relationship. A man visits her when he wants, despite he has a longterm partner at home. His excuse : his partner is too needy, has mental health problems and couldn't live without him... basically he lives with her because he feels so 'sorry' for her, while my friend sees him maybe four times per year.
@@marthas.4456 after speaking with several other women my ex had been cheating with (mostly his ex's he was keeping on his orbit) they all said he characterized me the same way as well! So to me he was maintaining friendships with all of these women because they were all of those things, and to them he would claim he was cheating on me (we lived together) for those same reasons. That's why I'm so skeptical of any man who claims his ex is mentally unstable, wouldn't survive without him, etc. Manipulative, abusive men seem to love this excuse and recycle it constantly.
This is really heartbreaking. It's sad, but if someone doesn't care about you, they just don't. Questioning them is never going to make them care about you. All you can do is love yourself and leave. This is super hard to do when you've been abused and/or neglected. Because somewhere along the way you've been imprinted with the idea that you just don't matter. That's why therapy and coaching are so vital. Trying to piece together the crumbs of a quasi-semi-relationship with someone who just doesn't really want you is an enormous waste of one's incredible potential. I pray the letter writer cuts ties with this individual completely and gets the help that she needs.
Well said all young women need to read this
â@@isay207this is not a gendered issue.
Itâs not obviously, by this writers age that this just applies to younger women
Very true. Much of my life the message to me was âothers are more important than meâ.
â@@dlandrews1Same as me. I always hung out with people that I didn't really like. Because they were there and we had a few things in common. And in relationships I was always pursued by guys I had no interest in. Thuse ending in their relationship triangles. Whether friendship or romantic these people were always getting over someone.
I went thru all of this too. Accepting bread crumbs and making excuses for their detachment. Once I had my heart broken again at 48 I realized enough is enough! Focused all my energy on me and my own self love instead. Now I am not even sure I want to be in a relationship and will not accept anything less than what I deserve!!!
It is so lovely when a man asks you out to dinner and sincerely wants to treat you. It shows he wants you to be comfortable and that he is giving. And it speaks volumes about his generosity of spirit...which will translate into generosity of time, energy, kindness...care. In a good evolving relationship, there will be many opportunities later for the woman to reciprocate materially, and a generous woman will...but agreed that it is a great indicator when the man is eager to cover the dinner bill.
This letter was so well written. I hope she finds someone really into her. She can find someone really amazing
If a man let me pay the dinner bill, that would be enough for me.
@@wendyhannan2454 especially on a 1st date. Oh hell no.
Sounds like she would do well with a set time alone without romantic entanglements to find herself and invest in herself. We all need this.
Realizing how ungrateful they were and are for you is a very deep pain. Theyâll make you feel incredible then take it all away when they get bored. Remember, donât move too fast. Get to know them first.
At 13:50 she says "if you have CPTSD or trouble with boundaries, don't drink [alcohol]...It distorts your perceptions and lowers your inhibitions". I agree. I stopped drinking when I'm alone or out with friends (currently I am not dating anyone) because I want to know if I'm happy due to the person/activity or whether it is the alcohol.
No more crumbs, no more situationship,
I deserve it all ~
I'm starving for the love that I give out to be reciprocated!!
I've been unsure how to process the breadcrumb relationship I let myself be in last year. I felt a deep mind shift when you told this woman that her half relationship was "progress" and not to beat herself up. I was feeling ashamed for settling for so little. Now I'm proud of myself for trying, for making progress, and for walking away when I realized he was not fully emotionally available.
Yay!
-Cara@TeamFairy
" Something, beautiful to me about people who have been abused as kids... "
That's not a sentence I hear often.
Thank you, for starting your video that way.
Ebby C, yes. I agree. And it also makes me feel good because I always feel so much love for people I know who were abused as kids. I think it's because, as Bhuddism reminds us, those who were abused develop compassion. We need to love and support each other.
I have done this my whole life and I was neglected as a child. 10 years ago I cut off romantic relationships so I could heal and get at the core of my issues. Itâs worked; and I would like to think I will have a last relationship (Iâm 60 now) but honestly I truly donât know if I am able and Iâm ok with that.
Thanks for chiming in!
-Cara@TeamFairy
TBD, youâre not alone! You cut off romantic relationships 10 years ago, you did the work, youâre healing. Thereâs always that âdandelion of hopeâ. I believe you will find your forever love. Just look at how far youâve come already!
Just enough crumbs...to keep you along, but nothing to validate you. Actions not words. :) Getting older, wrinkles and laugh lines, grey hairs, embrace that! Hindsight and realizing so much is so liberating.
Good insights, Fairy. For all women out there an advice - DO NOT PURSUE A MAN. It's his role, not yours. If you see him to be disinterested , please walk away for your own good. When a man wants you, he goes for it. Trust me on that!!!!
I get what you're saying but I don't like being hunted either. Those relationships have never turned out well for me either.
Yes exactly đŻ
@@megistardust7584 not sure what you mean by "hunted". When a man is interested and wants to be with you, he will do all in his ability to make it happen. There will be no excuses for lack of time or that he is not sure or needs space etc. Quite often women comfort themselves with these assumptions and keep pursuing. And that's where they set up themselves for failure. That was my point.
@@megistardust7584 most men who "chase" and lovebomb women are narcissists, playboys and scammers. The more man is confident that " I can have her" usually the less respect he has. The best dating advice I've heard is "the man who thinks he doesn't deserve you, is the only one who does". I always was the girl who waited for others to make the first move, cause I felt unworthy of taking the attention by myself. It made me lonely for years. I didn't have ANY friends or relationships cause I waited till something will happen to me. Being passive doesn't work. You shouldn't chase people, but it doesn't mean you should wait till they will do everything. Now I am learning it's fine to talk people and not be the "good quiet girl" who is afraid to speak up. It blocked all areas of my life.
@@TejubescDM exactly. There's a happy medium between the two extremes
It was something about that cold emotionally unavailable feeling that I felt the need to over extend the need to over talk to break the weird silence n the room âŠ. I learned this is a tactic that Narcs use to get more information out of you.
Wow
This was in my suggested today, although I've watched it before.
What struck me was the parallel between Anthony leaving her to "struggle with something heavy" and how her parents left her to "struggle with something heavy" as a child, every time they trafficked her.
I didn't catch this parallel the first time around. I was so wrapped up in her childhood experience of being trafficked. I know someone who grew up that way and it's just sickening that any parent can do such a horrendous thing.
I loved what you said about refraining from drinking on first dates- courting. Setting boundaries.
How you took each one of her concerns and broke it down .
Actions speak volumes.
I hope she gets her emotional healing- I hope she honors herself first. â€ïžđŠâ€ïž
I've accepted so many half relationships that I've been single for 8 years because I dated guys for months who didn't want a serious relationship with me and just used me for sex and a good time. Last year the closest I ever came to a relationship he just randomly told me one day he didn't want a relationship. I'm sure I turned him off and gave him all the validation he needed. I was easy and chill didn't ask for much because I didn't want to scare them away. Guys would always say I wasn't what they expected. They expected me to have higher self esteem and be less attainable. I wasn't. I wasted so much of my youth on crumbs now that I'm older no man wants to date a woman over 30 that's been single for 8 years that dated a lot of guys but no relationship. I don't know how to explain to people that I've dated but no one I dated wanted a meaningful relationship with me. It's so embarrassing and makes me feel like trash even though I'm working on myself I get so angry looking back on how I let people treat me and wasted so much of my life not feeling good enough.
I think the right man will understand. Ultimately, you wanted a real relationship the whole time which is normal and something to be proud of, but these other men you dated actually didn't want that. Men that are looking for a woman to be "unattainable" or give them a "challenge" are men that are looking for some type of thrill, and not looking for a good woman. Think about it. What happens when they get you after you were so unattainable? The thrill of the challenge would be gone, and they would lose interest, because it was the thrill of getting the "unattainable one" that mattered to them, not the woman herself. Men that do this are unknowingly sabotaging themselves, and it's a red flag.
You have to have boundaries and say what's on your mind, and not worry about scaring them away, but high self-esteem doesn't make you unattainable. It just means you have high standards and are confident enough to be yourself. Being easy to be with is a huge plus for a man that really likes you. So I don't think your issues prevented men from wanting a relationship with you. I think your issues prevented you from realizing when a man wasn't that interested in you and from realizing that he wasn't putting in the necessary effort with his actions to show that he really likes you, which leads to being used. That's how it seems to me anyway based on your comment.
@@Leoo117 thank you for your perspective. I definitely had low boundaries and standards.
I put up with low effort and interest. Which is what the video is talking about. Breadcrumbs. If someone treats you the way you don't want to be treated you move on but I just accepted whatever because I didn't think I could do any better.
You are definitely not alone in this situation. I did the same thing, wasted my youth with men who didnât even have to try to get me I was just so eager for love and attention that even the worst kind was better than nothing to me. I struggle with feeling jaded or bitter (or like trash) that I allowed this, didnât see it, allowed it to continue even when I did see it or was just too weak and had no confidence in myself to just be alone. I work on forgiving myself every day. I made 3 children in my youth with 2 men who never really loved me. Both men have barely been there for their children either - which has hurt me the most. I donât have a lot of family support or friends and raising kids for 20 yrs on a low income has used up a lot of my time, attention and motivation so I am now 42, been alone for years and still trying to fix myself and figure out how I got here.
First of all, NEVER tell any man about these other men and how they treated you, because any man you tell will treat you as badly or worse, than these other guys did. Put yourself on that pedestal and make a man work for every bit of time or knowledge he gets from you. Do not just go around confessing to men about anything bad thatâs happened to you-even your father. Men use what other men did to you as a gauge as to how theyâre gonna treat you. Talk to a shrink but NEVER to a man. He should never know what happened before him.
@@toscadonna yes every guy I confided in treated me worse than the last. Then they would say things like you deserve better than me but they never left me alone.
Ugh yes! My deepest longing still in my 50s is to ever feel like anybodyâs priority and I know thatâs from my childhood where I was never my parentâs priority. Iâve been in therapy for years for my CPTSD but itâs hard to think rationally and regain composure when I get badly triggered đą
Sending you hugs.
I can relate.
Ugh.. this is deep.
LISA, I understand. I'm 66 years old and have very few friends because I have explained to many people who were 'friends' but had grown apart, so they are 'Christmas card friends'. The few guys I know/thought were friends, were just giving me talk time and no emotions. Luckily they are each in different parts of the country, but I still need to talk to them - they both don't remember things they said to me. And that hurts. Last time I dated was over 25 yrs ago - no one is there for me to love, but maybe, some day I'll find someone - but if not, then I will love my ranch and animals. My mother was a narcissistic personality.
I found I prefer animals over people. .for the most part. I'm ok with being alone. It's not always ideal but what is?đ€·ââïžđ
I'm very lucky to have met a partner who has this underlying drive too. When we met we breadcrumbed each other and it was toxic and horrible. We broke up for a little while but as friends we discovered that we truly loved the idea of being together and now I have someone in my life who really sees me and listens to me, who works with me to work out solutions to our problems and is clear that our relationship is permanent.
It is still hard.
We both were parented very poorly and we have many challenges in learning to communicate healthily with each other. But this is all I could possibly need; someone who accepts with me that things aren't perfect but we can find ways to grow better together. The stability this brings is profound compared with the emotional turmoil I'm used to in relationship and I'm so grateful for him â€ïž
The story of my life. Narcissists surrounding me like vultures.
Same
Me too. I'm 35 and it still happens to me through men. I'm always set up with men through friends and neighbors that praise them so much. But when I get to know them, they have really unpleasant sins that they are so comfortable with... I'm always left shocked and upset. It's a never ending cycle. Even since I was young through friendships and workplaces, the narcissist and mean people always come for me no matter how firm and sometimes rude I am back. đą
The need to make excuses for peopleâs sh**ty behavior and doubting the red flags caused me to have unhappy relationships. It is a habit I formed in my childhood because I was dependent on my abusive parents and if I hadnât mentally taken the blame off of them (e.g. they are not bad people, they are not just themselves now because of mental illness/drunkness etc), I would break emotionally and have nothing/no one to hold on to. And itâs like they did not ânot loveâ me, but even now they are not capable of taking responsibility for their actions (btw now Iâm in a good place and I donât need them to). But the same pattern continued in my past relationships. Iâd make excuses for their avoidant behaviour (they are too busy/too tired to pay attention to me, they have other things going on so I have to be UNDERSTANDING and accept not being a priority at all) and took crumbs until I realized what was going on. This is such a beautiful realization and helps you form better relationships in the future.
A year ago, but I'm just watching this now. Love the letter and your response to it. I only wish I'd found your videos before my last marriage that is now over. Emotionally unavailable, likely a covert narcissist. Red flags early on, but I wanted it so much I ignored them. Huge lesson but now wisdom integrated. At 69 I'm not looking anymore, but this also affects my family relationships, all relationships actually. Been breadcrumbed, gaslit, scapegoated, and on and on. Now I set boundaries, but feel isolated. Last 3 years didn't help! Thank you. â„
I'm so glad you're here now :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Been there. It is a lonely place when you've set boundaries after a lifetime of being surrounded by toxic people. It's going to take a lot of time. Better lonely than in terrible company.
@@jayrodriguez4119 You're right! â„
I started watching this yesterday. Got a minute and a half in, and turned it off because I knew if I watched it I was going to have to end my online thing. Just from the title I knew it was going to apply, because he had showered me with love and affection at first, and I resisted because of the long distance aspect. But he wore me down, and I finally said I love you back, and then he pulled away and gave me less and less until it was just crumbs, and I was trying to pull him back and failing, and I was in tears every day, but it had been so good at the start and he'd helped me through a couple of big things and I was scared to not have him, even though I knew I was miserable. (He has trauma issues too, so maybe I'll learn about why he did that through your videos) Well, I ended it last night anyway. The dozen or so videos I've watched since finding your channel had taught me enough that I knew it needed to end and that I deserved better than how he was treating me. So we talked, it was amicable, and it ended. I haven't even cried. I think maybe I cried enough when we were together. That was pretty much daily, or multiple times a day, for at least half the time we were together.
So, now that that's done, I've come back to watch the rest so I can make sure I don't get in a situation like this again.
Good for you!! đđŒđđŒđđŒđđŒâđŒ
@@ceecee8757 not feeling very good today tbh.
Often people that seem to come off as anxious avoident are just narcissistic. It took me 20 years to figure that out.
Yes and so selfish they expect you to be their slave but give all these excuses that they are too stressed to do anything.
Nope that's simply not true. Anxious avoidant is anxious avoidant & narcissistic is narcissistic
Can be true .... can look like a narc that dont even put work into it.....
â@@kaneykane3449 All narcissists have attachment issues, tho
@Perry Skye Phoenix absolutely they are among many other things... but few anxious avoidant people are narcissistic. I find the anxiously attached on this thread putting themselves in the position of victim interesting. If you lack boundaries & chase out of trauma while I avoid out of trauma despite maybe caring very much .... I'm the bad person. So youre prioritising your needs & making me responsible for your happiness/ self worth/ validation & that triggers my flight response. How about we all take responsibility for our own selves.
Wow, this randomly popped up on my feed and the advice reaffirmed my feelings about exes. Iâm definitely not asking for too much from a partner!
Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
one comment said âShe sees and can list all the red flags but she does not trust herself or her perceptionâ & it hits home for meâŠ. I could always list my parents red flags and obvious mistreatments, at times Iâd think to myself thereâs no way Iâd ever treat anyone like that so thereâs no way this is normal - but somehow my brain would warp things to make me feel guilty, like I deserved it, like i wasnât worthy of being treated with respect, like i did something wrong to be treated that way and try to rationalize why I was being treated that way. only when my friends would see the things my parents said/did and tell me this wasnât normal, that theyâre treating me wrong & being abusive, that i didnât deserve to be treated that way etc would my brain allow me to trust and validate my own feelings⊠some of them even said if they were me theyâd never talk to their parents again, but Iâm a very forgiving person naturally and see the best in people even when they show me all the flags that prove otherwise⊠into adulthood itâs gotten me into so many unhealthy relationships/friendships. i tend to believe people have the same heart and conscience that i do, or are truly sorry for the things theyâve done when in reality theyâve proved to have no remorse or guilt about it which then has me spiraling back into blaming myself, thinking i deserve it, trying to pinpoint and rationalize why theyâd treat me the way they have but when i try to think about what i couldâve done to deserve it i canât figure it out. everything iâve done for the people who have wronged me has been out of the kindness of my heart, i consistently do things for others that i WISH people would do for me, even (or especially) when they donât deserve it. like one half of my brain knows that i DONT deserve to be treated the way people (friends, family) have treated me, but the other half of my brain tries to convince me i deserve it or thereâs something wrong with me. itâs really confusing and hard to explain⊠i do feel it stems from childhood, i wasnât allowed to set boundaries or dissect & express my emotions without being laughed at or having it twisted back onto me so i now lack a sense of self & likely self respect. I forgive too easily the people that have proven time again that they donât deserve it, the people who have taken advantage of my kindness, maybe because my subconscious is used to me irrationalizing my own feelings. ofcourse itâs okay to forgive, but that doesnât mean you have to allow yourself to be treated unfairly, allow those people in your life or give them the love you naturally give out only for them to mistreat you again and have the whole cycle repeat in your brain. it will just leave you feeling empty..
Please go visit a therapist as soon as possible. This is exactly me my whole life. Now I m 50 years depression low self-esteem paniek attack. You can not fool your self your whole life. We you get older, you just fall in parts, very very painful. I hope that you consider my advice as I was just like you en now I'm sick mentally and physically. I hope one day I will get better, i m working every hard for it. Do not lose time please â€
"No one ever knows what another has gone through or where they have come"
Yes!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You added a missing piece to the puzzle for my limerence when you talk about emotional availability and real love. Cause on paper, limerence makes total sense. Im sitting in my car or at home, why wouldn't I swoon or fantasize? Theres nothing else to do and no one else to meet my needs at that time. Why not fantasize? The problem is, those moments become an entire life, an entire personality, which sends out huge vibes that you're not quite there. You unconsciously reject good mates cause they see you're not present, and you only attract dead ends who don't even notice you're not there cause they dont like you. You ONLY go from one obsession to the next.
I never thought of it like that. How much those fantasies cost me. They cost everything cause everyone who is real sees you got somewhere else better to be mentally and emotionally speaking. You're not there.
They do cost us hugely. These fantasies rob us of our lives. But we can claw them back. Iâve claimed my life back from limerence and you can too. Anna has great advice, keep watching her and donât give up!
@@candystorekid4207 I agree, huge fan of Annaâs channel.
May I ask what exactly you did, how you managed to (ie: therapy, etc) and what your a-ha moment was?
@@rachelel.4863 1. Going no contact is essential. This means NO social media stalking whatsoever. Deleting my facebook and instagram profiles helped me a lot with this, as well as saving me many hours of pointless scrolling. If you tend to become limerent for performers or creatives, as I do, this also means no accessing their content: videos, music, artwork, etc. When you feel tempted (and you will) to look back at them, force yourself to leave the house without your phone until the feeling lessens. Cry it out. Distract yourself in the least destructive way you can. Not engaging is hard but you cannot overcome limerence while still engaging.
2. Be aware and cognizant of your own patterns for becoming limerent. Personally, I am very susceptible to the glimmer when I find myself isolated, adrift, or without regular contact with friends. Know your triggers; do you become limerent whenever you start a new job/get dumped/go on vacation? Remember what was happening in your life at the start of your limerence and be on high alert the next time that happens. If you know what causes it in you, you can be more wary of it happening again.
eg. 'OMG, this guy showing me around the office is so kind and helpful, he's been so welcoming to me and given me so much help with settling in. I must be in love with him! Oh wait, no, I'm going through a major life change, my adrenaline is high and someone is showing me kindness - those are my triggers. I need to take a step back from this man and give myself a reality check.'
3. Cultivate within yourself the traits that you admire in your LO. I always become limerent for people I admire and wish I could be more like. I also often fall into the trap of thinking that they are much better than me and have all the traits I wish I could have but don't. This is false. I actually do have a lot of the traits my LOs have, they might just have more opportunity to express them outwardly.
Your LO is really outgoing and friendly? Challenge yourself to give a compliment to someone every day.
Theyâre gifted at a particular skill? Take a class in that area (one where you will NOT run the risk of seeing them) and meet other people who have that skill while developing your own. The things you admire in your LO are dormant within yourself. Wake them up.
A big part of limerence for me is having my LO on a pedestal. Thinking that they are the perfect person and I mustn't lose them because there has never been anyone so wonderful in the history of humanity. This belief has proven false time and time again over the last 15 years.
Your LO is NOT superior to you, they are just being authentically themselves in a way you wish you could be.
4. The most helpful one for me: Open the Notes app on your phone. Start a list of EVERY SINGLE NEGATIVE THING you can think of about your LO, no matter how trivial. This is really hard to do at first, it's utterly antithetical to being 'in love' and it feels cruel and unnecessary. But I cannot tell you how helpful I have found this. The more things I added to the list, the more things I thought of, and whenever I began to think of my LO I reread the list. Read it at least once a day. I also added emojis to each thing - the vomit emoji, the blank face emoji, or the red flag.
@@rachelel.4863 5. Finally, try not to be too hard on yourself for struggling with limerence. When you think about it, it's a very clever psychological trick your mind plays on you to give you something to cling on to when things seem dark. The idea of a perfect person is tantalising and very effective at distracting us from our pain. It's a survival mechanism like any addiction is. Though limerence can be very painful, it is your subconscious' way of trying to keep you alive with hope.
You deserve to live a full life with real relationships and genuine love. Even though I have relapsed on many occasions, I have also had long stretches of time where I have not been limerent, and life can be very sweet without it.
Remember, they are not The One - you are. They are not going to save you - you are. Even if you were to be with them, they would not be able to solve your problems, mend your broken heart, or make you love yourself. They are not the one you have been waiting for. You are.
@@rachelel.4863 I did also do therapy which has helped, but honestly the steps Iâve listed are whatâs been most helpful for me over the past 15 years or so that Iâve struggled with limerence. Best of luck to you x
When watching this I'm not exaggerating when I say, "I have zero real friends, or even family." This is because as you describe these "crumb" type relationships I realize that is ALL I'VE EVER had, even with my Narcissist parents. Almost every friend I ever had has failed me, when I REALLY needed them most. And again my family has done the same things too. I was married for 20 years, which ended about 4 years ago, finally. I was the one who ended it, because I finally realized that it was ME giving all the effort in MANY ways, largely financially though. Long story short: I'm 50, and I'm completely worn out. I gave as much as I could to all people I had relationships with, and even my own wife gave me crumbs... all along. When I complained, honestly, and directly, the subject would somehow shift about the tiniest thing I didn't do for THEM (whomever it was each time). It was like I needed to be performing at 100% in ALL areas, before I could bring up something that was not fair to me; otherwise it was "invalid" to them.
What sucks... what REALLY sucks is that I'm completely alone now. I live alone, and I think all of this "stuff" is just written on my face, because total strangers look at me oddly and almost with fear. I've tried all kinds of "Meetup.com" type events. It's all super-shallow and again I pickup vibes where people want to stay clear of me, apparently.
Just work hard on loving you. Be clear about your inner beauty and love it massively.
Believe me, when I say, you are truly loved. It is really hard to see it and feel it but it is true. All of humanity has the âGod codeâ inside of us. The trick is to be able to see it and feel it. Go deep within your self and meditate and ask for guidance. Your true self, not the ego self, will come out.
My mother remarried at 48 and lives happily ever after. It's all about the energy you have. If you feel like a victim and don't trust anyone because they could use you again like it happened in the past from your perception, new people will avoid you. Go to therapy, get a neutral recommendation from a professional and go from there. I'm speaking from experience, after getting evaluated by 3 different psychiatrists (3 different conclusions btw) I knew what direction I should be healing towards. Even if those professionals couldn't agree what my issues were, they had some overlapping features I started looking into. Wish you all the best stranger!
I feel this too, try before entering a room, saying Iâm handsome, happy and everybody loves me.
Try listening to Abraham
You can't shoehorn yourself into someone's life and then complain that they are disinterested. I know, I have made the same mistake!
Yes THiS!!!!
Celine, there is somebody out there who would not let you wonder about all that stuff.
You need somebody who can sense that you need a little more assurance and has no problem to give it to you. A man who lets you know that he is always playing on your side of the field. Everyone deserves somebody who helps them grow and shine.
Thanks for sending out the love!
-Cara@TeamFairy
At 50 and having tried so many different approaches, I decided I just donât chose men well. Never have. Iâve grown tainted on the idea of marriage. I donât even want it anymore. Relationships ruined me on love. Itâs rather sad but very true. I finally decided just to be self dependent.
Relatable đŻ
This will set you up for falling for the kind of guy that will be unavailable to you. I think. We never really 'shut off' the need to connect.
Telling yourself it's off when it isn't makes you vulnerable to someone who senses the need but knows they don't have to be available , because you're not available.
@@ebbyc1817 Very wise. I did the same thing as Tosha, and I have had married men all over me like flies.
Same Tosha. I give up. Dating makes my life unmanageable.
Iâm 55 and my take now is that this isnât particularly sad at all. Not at this point in life. Personally, I like freeing myself from the convention that pursuing ideal romantic relationships is the ONE way to get REAL fulfillment. Itâs not! I like being able to see life as something more than chasing a thing thatâs been elusive and painful for me for my entire adult life. I can take my newfound maturity, insight, and self esteem, and channel it all into things and people who arenât romantic interests. The world got a lot bigger and full of promise once I became fine with letting this go.
So meâŠalways met people who wouldnât commit, just disappeared without explanation, on/offâŠI never heard âI love youâ from anyone⊠So I decided to love myself and I know that someday someone will love me and can express it as well đ„°
I didn't get "crumbs" as a child. I received abuse and lived-always waiting for the shit to hit the fan and get clobbered. But you know what?
At 12 years old I found a way to get out from my messed up family! They were all crazy except for my dad whom I adored. I never told him what was going on in the house. He worked 12-16 hours a day. I didn't want to make him upset or feel bad. Today, I help others who suffer.
They are lucky to have you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You are spot on about the drinking piece!!! Especially when it comes to relationships but overall it's just best to be very careful with alcohol. I also appreciate this quote: "a partnership is showing up in that spirit of helpfulness and support to another person. two people are better than one when weâre showing up this way."
This is an interesting perspective ! Ross Rosenberg calls it a broken " picker ". We need healthy relationships. Yes we are formed by our early years. Sadly there are so many families affected by generational trauma. Educating ourselves is the best solution. It's a difficult world to navigate...
After 2 relationships ended in amazingly similar ways, my neighbor told me I had a "broken picker." That only served to feed the shame I already felt about the breakups. A couple years later, I made a new friend and told her the stories of those relationships and told her what my neighbor had said. In her infinite mercy and wisdom she told me that it sounded as if I'd never been able/ allowed to install a "picker." That took me right out of my shame spiral. I still quake a bit when I hear tell about "broken pickers."
@@maryschumacher7118 yes. We should have considered many things, and didn't. We were gullible, unknowing. The churches tried to demand it had to be a forever mistake. They were wrong to not assist the youth. We need to have a healthy sense of boundaries, know what the consequences are. Divorce is always necessary where there is abuse. I'm very much at peace now that I accept reality instead of dogma.
@@christineplaton3048 Iâm Catholic - so I get your drift, but I think the conclusion is wrong. Several different priests counseled me that leaving was morally right in terms of substance abuse and emotional and financial abuse- my parents, especially my mother, pressured me to stay via her interpretation of what a good wife should be/do- which was actually very codependent. She, too, had been raised by a codependent mother. I wish I had been strong enough to listen to the priests earlier, but then I would not have had some of my later children or been able to stay home with them in their infancy, which I truly treasure and believe in. Sometimes people reject the Church not really understanding what the Church teaches, but how it has filtered down through family membersâ interpretations. Anyways, I do know for sure that all things work together for good to those that love Him. I hope you continue to grow in your healing journey. Iâm continuing on mine, as well. â„ïž
I've been there...he only dated her because she was convenient. It hurts when you realize that they actually love someone else :(
I did not expect the story to trigger me. When she mentioned that he hugged her and she was calmed, I was immediately emotional. A couple years ago I was trying to break up with my ex for months but I couldnât do it. It was a back and forth of being âlovingâ and being so pissed up and sad about something he was doing. Iâll never do that again and the red flags were there the whole time.
Glad you are here now.
Nika@TeamFairy
My first "relationship" was with a scammer who just used me. I felt strong love, I struggle with boundaries and self doubt. It wasn't real, but I felt strong love.
yeh, my mother shamed me for having a need, or a perspective that didn't match hers. I ended up trying to prove I had no needs. Only really figured this out in my late 40s.
My ex had had sex (both of us bisexual) with so many of his friends that I was at a complete loss as to who of his friends were his ex romantic relationships, who were friends that he was still having sex with, and who were his platonic friends. He cheated on me constantly, always on the lookout to develop sexual tension with new people, and his romantic exes were all very much still in the picture.
I canât believe I tolerated it for so long and even married him thinking it was just a dating lifestyle. Of course on our first date he blatantly checked out a woman walking by our table. I should have took that red flag to mean he was showing me who he was right away and believed it and left right then.
Don't be sad, many of us women have dealed with that at one point or another, i mean, we'vedealt with people who didn't want us. Don't regret on the things you should have done, you did what you could with the knowledge you had back then, now you're much more wise and it's time to improve your life with the wisdom you've got.
@@marte1376 youâre putting words in my mouth and giving unsolicited advice.
That especially sucks given how many people write bisexuals off for being promiscuous. It's already hard to find someone who understands that facet of your identity, but even harder to experience their betrayal. Sending hugs to ya.
sometimes it is not the other person, it's you. If your body is giving you jealousy flags, respect what your body is telling you. You don't need, and should reject the urge, to have the other person contradict your own information. If you can't feel secure, get out the relationship.
"Sometimes... the person who only has a little bit to give...well, we can only handle a little bit, so it seems like it will work." - Wow. You're good. That is the story of my very long term struggle with the woman I truly loved. I didn't realize it for years, but she was still hooked on her -ex fiance, and I was "just good enough" to keep her occupied. There was no real love for me on her part. In fact, as time went on I realized she didn't even really like me that much. I was just the utility guy. And so, I wasted 15 years of my life because I didn't want to walk away and lose the "love of my life" that I thought I'd found. Now I'm totally alone and she won't even answer my calls or texts. It's pretty brutal, but I've recently adopted the "That was then - this is now" attitude. It helps a lot. It's over.
If the best we can attract is not enough, then it is better to be alone. Thatâs reality in the âmarket placeâ for relationships.
this video changed my day and for that I am extremely grateful. I almost drank and then you said what you said (around 14:42 etc) and thrn didn't reach out to a guy who wasn't making an effort. Whoa. Thank you so so so much. Feels like an actual blessing.
Thatâs a victory!!! đ€đđŒ
Ditto on everything. I almost did the same.
Hi Five!
Yeah, You!!!
That ex of her âboyfriendâ sounds like a hot mess. Thatâs a red flag for me, a manâs ex. Depending on how she is , it tells me how he is.. lesson leaned
100%
My pet of 14 yrs passed 2 weeks back. I thought I managed it ok but somewhere I knew my abandonment issues got triggered. Same sinking feeling, loneliness, anxiety, smoking n eating sweets. Meditation helped but more than that ur podcast did. Not sure why . Thank u đ n God bless u . U just saved me from falling in the same abyss again đđ
I listened to every word. An excellent example of the fallout of a woman who was treated like trash by her own parents.
Thanks for listening!
-Cara@TeamFairy
We don't want a free meal. We want to see if our date values us. So if my date pays I'm impressed and its a good start to a relationship. In saying that ...I'm happy to pay my share too.
Yes! It goes both ways, valuing each other, after all :)
Now that I have survived long enough to turn 50, I made a promise to put myself first. It feels good when I do it but I live with a tiny amount of sheer terror at all times. What is really weird is how many people who only want to leave me crumbs keep showing up in my life. It's like they line up specifically for me!! I am really happy alone. I have a couple of friends and it's good. The idea of dating is too complicated at this point.
Focus on self improvement.
I am 52. I'm just now trying to date after almost 7 years of being pretty shut down to dating.
From what Iâve heard about dating nowadays, if I were looking for a relationship I would be too scared to try anyway. It sounds awful. Glad you have found peace being single with good friends, though.
52 and same. I can't imagine trying to date again.
"The most beautiful part of you...like a dandelion through the crack in a sidewalk." Beautiful. Spoke so perfectly and just what I needed to hear.
Man.... you are speaking to my soul. I cannot explain what I feel hearing you speak on this. I am 15 years deep in a marriage with a jerk who has tossed me a crumb here and there, treating me like I am only worth his time when I am meeting his needs. I have been nothing more than a cook, maid and piece of a**. I have had the worst relationships with both friends and boyfriends my entire life. I am proud to say I m wiser now. It took getting put through the wringer over and over and over, but I have finally learned.