How to Stop Taking Things Personally
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- čas přidán 30. 01. 2024
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Do you take things personally? Do you get offended easily? Do you spend a lot of time trying to figure out which person is the "Jerk"? Taking things personally is a super complex relational strategy we use to protect ourselves when we feel threatened, but it leaves us feeling isolated and dramatic. In this video we're going to learn 3 steps to stop taking things personally, and how to stop taking offense.
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One of the most important lessons you can learn in life: how people treat you says more about them than it does about you.
and your reaction is about you not them.
💯
That’s an assumption. Like the video noted, people’s comments that one finds offensive may come from a different type of cultural communication, or an oopsie like accidentally honking on the horn, or panic over an injured child in the back seat. The possibilities are infinite.
Having said that, what you say holds true in situations of abuse - domestic violence, child abuse, coercive controlling partners, narcissistic behaviors from others, and other extreme personality disordered people whose goal is truly to undermine people they know.
So true! Even at my advanced age, I *still* tend to assume that people are making careful assessments of my worth before deciding how to treat me! 😂
One of the best things I have ever heard on this topic is that “what other people think of you is none of your business”
what if that person is your wife or your kid? then it definitely is your business...
I think it’s one of the worst.
Learned that from watching RuPaul's Drag Race❤
😂 My sister told me this years ago and I always pass this on!!!!!!
I like that:)
I saw a video that was prefaced by something like "How do you take things less personally?" and their response was along the lines of like "Assuming people are judging you/ thinking horrible things about you is actually you judging THEM and making them out to be potentially much meaner individuals than they are. So now I just assume everyone is kind, and if they act in a way that contradicts that I assume it's because they have something going on in their lives, forgive them, and move on." That was really eye opening to me to hear it from that perspective. Assuming people are thinking the worst of you is, in a way, judgement of them. Lets believe that people are kind, and try to be kind ourselves.
I love this perspective! Thanks for sharing. So many times we assume people judge us or feel they have attacked us, etc. But that is also us judging them through our assumptions, especially if we have not verified these assumptions and just make things up in our heads (stories our brain tells us).
But when we to deal with such people on daily basis and they always act like that then how to deal with them as they are draining
Thank you for sharing this perspective. I want to follow this thinking in my own life. I have been feeling so alone and confused in life lately. This is because the world feels so angry and violent. But life is a matter of perspective. The world is ugly and cruel if you only look for uglyness and cruelty. Perspective is the most important thing for us because life IS what you see
Appreciate this comment!
This one feels much harder to get around when the level of figuring out what people's opinions are of me goes to "am I physically safe around them? Do I need to be prepared to defend myself?" Especially if someone has had prior experience with people mistreating them, it can be less about needing to feel like a better person and more about worrying about their physical wellbeing. It's much easier to justify avoiding people when it's put in terms of "misjudging someone as good when they really weren't has more risk than misjudging someone as bad and nothing happened", no matter how irrational or how low those chances actually are. Social anxiety sucks. :)
It does get easier by trying to internalize the idea that most people want to do good, or at least are much more interested in their own lives to care what you're doing though.
I felt ATTACKED by CZcams for recommending this video to me. Then I started watching it and I now am FURIOUS that you are so unquestionably right so yeah I guess I needed it.
No joke, this is one of my favourite CZcams channels ever 💛
Same here friend. I needed this video today
hahaha
I just love the way you explain things and your sence of humor definitely comes through. Thank you so much for the free therapy , we all need a bit from time to time😊
I don't know, when my narcissist husband calls me a b@#ch, useless or ignorant I do tend to take offense
@@lindyc.2552 and youre still together? who the f#@& calls their wife a 13!tc# ? im so sorry youve been treated so abusively.
This is one of my biggest weaknesses. It all goes back to being bullied in elementary school.
samee 😭
Yeah me too. It didn't stop there, got it back in Jr. High and High School. That's why I joined the football team to knock the shish out of people, but the lens still sticks with me :(. I'll be okay though, I'll get better one day at a time. 1% better! YOU GOT THIS!!!
I'm really sorry you got bullied. People have no idea the hurt inflicted. 😢
Same
Same
“Don’t believe everything you THINK” is truly the root of most issues we humans have. We DO let our brain talk TO US WHEN WE SHOULD BE TELLING OUR BRAIN WHAT TO THINK.
Best thing I’ve ever heard
There's probably a line between projecting,assuming/taking things personally and actually not agreeing or liking how someone talks to you
And that’s where establishing boundaries comes in
‼️‼️‼️‼️
1. Clarity
2. Boundaries
3. Solid foundation of self-worth ❤❤❤
This is better than the video. Thank you, clear and to the point.
@@afrancis7475or you’re just impatient 🤷♀️ could just say thank you and not rap on the video
One of the best things I have recently learned is how complex PTSD is rooted in toxic shame. Really trying to overcome that and not take things personally.
People are rude, attack you on purpose, apologize later, do it again, and the cycle continues... best thing to do os let it roll off. Be confident in yourself, know yourself well enough to know if you should change for the better or not, and monitor patterns in people. There's always room for improvement, but boundaries are also crucial.
Thank you for this comment. Seriously. I needed it. Wishing you joy always. ❤️
This true. But what if you cannot avoid the sick twisted damaged sob who has decided to target you? What if you have asked him calmly and repeatedly to stop and others have asked him to stop but he continues whenever he sees you. What if you were relentlessly bullied when a child.
@@fs1512Damn sorry about that. I guess that best thing to do is completelyyy ignore them act they are a ghost don’t even glance his way. Idk if this helps but just try it
It takes an entire lifetime to cultivate these qualities.
Not if you make a conscious effort to correct your way of thinking
It feels unachievable, but it really is. You won’t be perfect at it, but even if it takes say 20 years to be good at it, that’s still meaningful. Because 20 years will pass anyway. Do you want to be where you are now in 20 years or doing better and working on your thinking patterns in 20 years? Just gotta shift your perspective to look outside in, instead of inside out. If that makes sense
Right, and you're going to be living a lifetime anyway. You might as well start making it a good one.🥳
I have always had the habit of taking everything personally. Even if I enter a room and people are laughing at something, I assuem they were making fun of me.
Are you a highly sensitive person? Look at that ..
"Your core beliefs show up in your assumptions. "...... brilliant!
Secure self comes when your busy doing what you love and you have comforting people around you not when you’re tired and lonely.
My sister has always put me down with her jealous issues ,criticised me so I keep her out of my life. Some people are just bullies cause they have issue and it's best to keep away from constant attacks. I'm happy I do not have to cope with her anymore.
Right. I don't really like this video. But I like her advice. But people are pretty rude now a days.
I am right there with you. My sister and father are gone from my life for 1 year now. I received a birthday card from my sister on January 24th one day before my birthday, and I have been suffering horrible ruminating thoughts ever since, so just 2 weeks or so. That is what her bullying has done to me, I suffered daily with endless loops of the things that they did to me, so I have to work towards dismantling all of this garbage. It's a f'in fulltime job, I am so resentful 😢
Yes too many people think they can heal and intentionally let toxic people around them. Getting away from them is the best option. I've had to do this.
I'm also in agreement with you. I too have two sisters who gang up against me and attack my integrity with my mom and my mom acts like she's clueless. I feel orphaned so I've just walked away😢
@@inezneal6917yes I've walked away too. It's better than being around two sisters who are against me and no support from my mom.
Thank you for this remarkable info. In the first 5 min. I began weeping because I have searched for this info my entire life in vain (I'm 67). I realized my life will be changed forever because of this 20 min. lesson. I've heard a million times "Don't take it personally," but zero instructions on how to do that!! That's like telling an alcoholic: Just don't drink.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Exactly!
I am 58 and I too have been to years of therapy, searched for answers to no avail. My phone heard my husband and I talking yesterday about me doing it again and this video came up. Thank you, thank you for giving me tools to change myself😘
Sometimes a simple "i don´t give a f... about your opinion" helps a lot 😆😉
Some consideration toward other people is still required.
@@tahitihawaiibluedepends on who says what. Everyone has an opinion about things that are not their business or they don't have knowledge of... some even like to hear themself talking or think it' s funny to tease people constantly. So, why bother?!
I have to admit, it could feel really nice to say that to a few people in my life right now. Unfortunately I can't really do that in my work. And going through hospice care with my mom right now, I am semi tiptoeing around my siblings. It is all so painful.
I try to do that then, deep deep down sometimes be depending on the person😂😂😂 I do care a bit
Lmbooooo. My dear friend says the same thing. She said, “one good cussing will shut that kinda bully down!” 😅
I literally just got done taking something personally and dealing with the fallout from it. This was released 1 minute ago. I feel attacked, but I am going to watch anyway.
You'd better because it will obviously help you! 😅😂
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼❤️
Perfect timing!
Litterally the same
Litterally
Only im 4 hours late to the party
Honestly, the vid put me in perspective 5 minutes in
But i already knew i was overreacting i just couldnt stop doing it, till i redirected my focus
I hope youre okay you human beeing
Hope you have a nice day
😂😂😂
I struggle with this severely. I take even the smallest things in offense and become extremely defensive. Then I get angry and I am very confrontational. Some things are so insignificant the other person doesn't even realize they said anything but I turn it into huge conflict. I become convinced that I know exactly what the situation is and don't give the other party a chance to even explain their side or put in 2 words. When people apologize, I am unable to accept it. I tell myself I forgive people but I keep throwing everything in their face even years after. I have no friends, strained family relationships, and now in process of getting a divorce. I feel helpless because I've realized this issue multiple times and yet have not been able to make any progress. I've gone through traumas in my life but at 33 I feel like I should have been able to work on myself. I've been doing therapy and it's not helping. Sometimes I feel like I will never get better. Sometimes I feel like only solution is to leave this life.
Please wish a healing for me if you can. A lot of the times I can't even stand myself anymore.
One of the most important things I ever learned was the title of a book.
“It was on fire when I laid down on it!”
Years later I made up another catchy phrase:
“If something is messed up, somebody somewhere wants it that way!”
And one more: “It can be done by someone else tomorrow!”
Have a good day!
@@generator6946 I am not sure what this means but thank you for your response nonetheless 😊
You might try a shadow work book or journal. I mean at this point it can't hurt right? if you think about it you really got through the hardest part. Just self-awareness so be proud of yourself for that and find ways to go even further.
I have been struggling a lot with the same,but lately I am learning that my opinion might not make sense to the other party whether I’m right or wrong!!
My advice to you is to walk away at times and ignore some of the peoples opinion,you are human they are human you both deserve peace and respect to one another.Heal and let go!!sending you love and comfort
Maybe you need a new therapist? Are you neurodivergent? I have ADHD, and come from some trauma, so my self esteem is just trash, and putting therapeutic things to practice is harder because of these things. I write things down and review them, practice like I’m in college on the subject, reminders in my phone to work on them. Change is hard. Virtual hug.
The thrree steps to stop taking things personally - all three were missing from my life (age 7 to 70). I now have a grasp on all three...and I already feel the difference.
Me too.... 😮 Byron Katie has a teaching on this topic... FREE .. CZcams her❤
I don’t think taking things personally feels good at all. It makes me miserable.
I agree. I feel this video is conflating using personal offense as a form of aggression within interpersonal relationships rather than deep issues with very low self-esteem and self-worth.
Yess 💔
@@lifestylecreepIt is a form of aggression, because you have to cut someone down to be a victim. You don't listen because you proved the point.
It takes a lot of courage to admit that we are hyper sensitive and we take things personally
I have struggled with this immensely
I have had so many jobs because the moment I feel unappreciated or threatened I just quit but not before creating chaos
I have slowly learned to have an easygoing attitude
That is your best ally
People sometimes will use a harsh tone, or say things that can be aggressive and it’s important to remember that if you maintain your composure you portray professionalism, assertiveness & self control
There’s a time & place for everything
But the key is to truly walk away and take a moment to fully analyze & assess situations that trigger us
I never used to hold back & every time I felt hurt or felt any negative emotion I would lash out at the person
I have burned every relationship due to my impulsive behavior and I have lost many career opportunities because I took things personally
I wish that I worked on this years ago
Now that I’m a mother I have to ensure to teach my daughter how to respond to uncomfortable situations
It's never too late. Most probably, you still have a big chunk of career ahead of you and with your new insights, you can progress rapidly.
@@barbthegreat586 that’s very thoughtful of you, thank you 🙏🙏🙏
Wow! You are very self-aware, which is a really beneficial trait to have. So, many people are in denial about how they contribute to their own situations. Taking responsibility for your own thoughts and actions will serve you well in the future, especially since you now know what NOT to do. Best wishes! ❤
@@TM-oe2on 🙏🙏🙏 when I became a mother I had to truly put my life into perspective
I realized that I have to be the best I can be in order to lead by example
It’s a struggle to keep my mouth shut and not lash out but sometimes silence is the best thing to do that will lead to a much better outcome
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this. I got a lot of insight from it.
Just wanted to say that whenever I'm in distress, I'll just click on any of your recent videos and the music, positivity and your knowledge makes me feel better instantly =). Thank you for all that you do.
literally love this channel
I DO THAT TOO!❤❤
I'm a new subscriber and just want to say how refreshing it is to hear a professional talk about this topic on CZcams. I'm so tired of hearing how anytime you feel wronged, then you must be suffering from narcissistic abuse. That term is thrown around so easily, and I've seen many families suffer from labeling loved ones in that way. I so appreciate you! Giving us the tools to work on ourselves rather than encouraging us to play the victim is beyond valuable in today's society. Thank you!
She is trying to empower us. Sometimes it is a bitter pill to swallow. That we are the ones that need to change. Not others.
Absolutely and it does invalidate that people are treating us like jerks, but helps us understand how to help ourselves in those types of situations
She is not saying that we are the ones that need to change. When we are secure and receive a comment we are the ones to decide whether we MAY need to change, according to what WE want to be.
I didn’t take it that way. What you said sounds like negative talk…like everyone else is good and you’re the problem.
I took it more to say that we focus on our half and what we can do about it and how we might improve on because that’s what’s within our control.
In a perfect world, the other person would do the same thing!
It’s not about right or wrong but rather understanding that…it isn’t always about who’s right and who’s wrong 😊
Normally I always joke in the comments saying “I feel attacked” but I actually feel relief. I know there are so many things I need to work on with myself & usually change takes action. Okay so when someone tells me let it go, don’t take it personally, stop thinking about it - all I hear is a non action and I’m like that doesn’t help. I feel like this is solid advice to help with putting the focus back on yourself & not in a bad ego selfish way. I always tend to get stuck in my head replaying things and turn them into stories and become the victim. Wouldn’t hurt me to watch this a few more times because I just kept nodding going yup that’s me!
I appreciate your insight on “let it go,” because that’s always how I took it, too. It’s a really good idea to interpret that as, “Focus on what you can control and what your values are.” That makes much sense, and hopefully will keep me from rolling my eyes as much at people when they tell me this. Thanks!
This is spot on! The more I think about things in my head the scenarios can spiral and my energy is no good.
I too am going to listen to this video a few more times.
And I appreciate the exercises to help us become better people. Thank you for sharing
You are not alone. We could be twins.
God put this video here so that I can be free of those triggers and live a better quality of life! God bless you
This therapist called me fragile and immature. I take offense to that. Wait...👀
I took offense when I over heard my coworkers speaking ill of me. Which resulted in me isolating myself and made the situation 10x worse
Yes. Me too your not alone
Trust me those coworkers ARE pieces of shit. Nobody likes them and they pretend to like each other. I had those coworkers and they would talk shit about each other to me as if I wanted to be Involved with the Negative bs. I can’t help you sis, gotta escape idk, they’re toxic plain and simple
well sometimes it depends..the mere fact you heard the talking about you is off, and its really offensive. well even in that situation we should really have to control our reaction?
Man i never thought about taking things personal as a defense mechanism, mind blown. It makes sense and helps to put alot in perspective, thank you!!
This video is everything for me. I learned this through therapy last year. I was a very self confident person until my in-laws started taking what I said personally and attacked me, I started taking what they said personaly. Then I got into I did this because they did that, and it was a freaking never ending cycle. This was almost 10 years ago. I didn’t have the money to go to therapy, I had no one who could guide me and finally last year I went to therapy and worked through my issues. But this video is exactly the gist of it, my FIL had insecurities that he projected on me. He couldn’t respect my boundaries. He did not want to introspect but basically call me the bad person every chance he got. But it took me going to therapy to understand that was his problem, not mine. His immaturity and insecurity was a result of his past. Once I understood that it had nothing to do with me, my heart felt so much lighter. I live by my principles and set boundaries now and not take things personally. And if I did do something wrong, I’m open to feedback. Made my life simple and way more fun to live. I will show this video to my kids when they are feeling insecure, they are still very young but I hope they can learn about these things early in their life and avoid the misery I have experienced. Your channel has helped me so much during my low time, you have encouraged me to seek therapy.
Sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to but we do it not just because it benefits us individually, but for the better of all of us - no matter the community we're surrounded with or choose to surround ourselves with in arbitrary ways. As somebody who has been in therapy myself; I've had to learn to let go on certain issues that might seem trivial...examples include politics, war on drugs, internet culture, and entertainment industry. I suppose the concept of rich v. poor would be another legit example as well. Anyways though, it sounds like you've come a long way , and I believe you should be proud of yourself for having the courage to tackle the challenges you faced in regard to how you've been mistreated. I hope that whatever you're doing you're being kind to yourself because I've had to do the same with myself through some very difficult situations (even when I find hobbies that are extremely uplifting - I still often need to maintain my composure even when I have positive stimulation). Idk if this is relevant or not; but I think that everyone processes grief and insecurities in different ways. That being said; we all should try and be good to ourselves even if it doesn't make sense, but I suppose it really depends on the situation...and this is where I think Maslow's hierarchy of needs comes into play. I believe codependency is a factor too - but at this point I'm just rambling...and even journaling exercises (as Emma explained) can be beneficiary - in terms of controlling what you can and can't control. When push comes to shove though, I believe getting a deep understanding of others' feelings will unlock many opportunities, and I think the energy we project not just on ourselves; but others is a lot more influential than what we want to believe - but it's really jmo more than anything else. I hope I was able to provide good insight and lmk what you think if you have a free moment. Anyways, continued success and always know you're not alone. None of us are. Blessings 🙏
As a person who uses social media a lot, this was sooooo needed and sooooo timely to see this
maybe get off social media, those of us that didn’t grow up with it already know not to take things personally. sad what you all have to deal with. gl
facts 💯 there's so many factors that don't go the way you expect and that makes you take things personally. I get so worked up and pissed off when people don't respond to my messages, for instance.
I just want to accept myself as I am
This isn’t helpful. I’m just saying
So bullying? How can you not feel hurt by that?
Exactly😂
It's okay to feel hurt I think. You feel what you feel and bullying of any kind is horrible. But just try to remember that how a person treats others is more of a reflection of them than it is of you. Bully's are usually projecting something in their own life they are unhappy with. Still wrong but unfortunately how it is.
Self confidence is the best thing you can have. If you believe in yourself and love yourself enough, you'll find that others opinions don't really matter 🤍
Yes it's important to identify when someone is bullying you.
It's okay to stop bullying. The issue is when you use bullying to shut yourself off from others, including the people who care about you.
This lady helped me through the darkest time of my life. If you see this I thank you so much 💓
Me too
glad you're doing better
Ooooo, okay. I need to not take the way my kids act personally. So important as a parent.
finally, it feels like i can actually understand how to make better boundaries. i feel as though other people always say "make clear boundaries" without explaining what exactly boundaries are. For a long time, boundaries just sounded like ways to limit other people, which is why it never made sense to me what making good boundaries looked like cuz that just didnt sound right. I love that you worded it as "As soon as you pivot away from, "He needs to stop offending me" toward "Hmm, do I actually need to change anything?" the drama like melts away. These are clear boundaries." That makes much more sense to me on how to make boundaries and how to create that distance so i learn how to not take things personally
I took immense offence today at the lady in a supermarket counter. She didn't greet my husband and I, so when my husband asked if I wanted to keep the dates we bought or not because the wrapper was torn, I felt enraged!! "Why are you asking me? Can't you decide? Why are you asking me in that tone?
I lashed out at him because I felt insulted for not being treated nicely by the checkout lady 😢 I made sure she saw my upset/angry face. I took it so personally.
Later, I felt like sh**
I just can't hold myself back when someone's mean to me even tiny bit 😪
I attribute this to being unheard to my emotional needs by my parents and pleasing everyone.
Victim mentality. Watch a few videos on that subject. 😊
Yes that's a bit over reactive about the checkout lady....I wouldn't care less about that unless she was a close friend
Oh my goodness! Do you have any thought for the tired, low paid checkout operator? Your issue isn't taking things personally, it's thinking the entire world revolves around your feelings and no one else's!
17:36 the pivot... the drama melts away!
Hallelujah !!! This can happen people!! I have been attending CHILDHOOD CPTSD therapy for two years and my self esteem has taken me to a place with self/parts integration and nervous system regulation... I've reparented myself to the point there is very little drama! No more living each day -jumping to conclusions!
I just went through a moment where I was offended by an assumption made about my character and boy did it sting. While I did take some time to pause and think about the situation I was still feeling pretty peeved. I talked to them and expressed how I felt but they didn’t really respond so now I’m anticipating a second conversation. This video solidified some thought I was having letting me know I’m on the right track. 1) I had to ask myself “Girl, why are you so mad about something you know isn’t true. Just because you’re being accused doesn’t make you guilty” 2) I asked myself why is my go to defending myself in an attempt to make people see me the way I see me 3) why do I need this person to validate that I am a good person by giving me whatever outcome that would soothe my bruised ego? Some of this stuff was difficult to chew but it was the medicine I needed to proceed from now on. Thank you 😊
I understand the tendency to take things personally, and it resonates with my own experiences. Throughout my childhood, I received frequent criticism based on my identity and perceived shortcomings, which unfortunately led to internalized negativity. Now, at 40, I can still find myself taking things to heart. However, this insightful video offered valuable tools for managing such reactions. Recognizing one's core values and utilizing them for resilience is truly crucial. Thank you for sharing this important message.
What you are basically saying is to take a step back and put things in perspective. This is true many many times in my life experience and I concur. When someone criticizes you for something don’t promptly disagree and quickly be defensive. Most of the time it’s nothing to do with you at all but what that person is undergoing. In my experience I gain social points when I turned such unfair criticisms into self deprecating jokes which everyone admires
Thank you so much! I came to this video after an argument with my sister where I was complaining about people being overly fragile and needing everyone to tiptoe around and not hurt their feelings. Ironically when she pushed back and we started arguing about it, I became totally disregulated and resentful towards her for having a different perspective. I guess I felt like she thought I was a bad person for not being more sympathetic… and I immediately became the kind of person I was complaining about: fragile and defensive. I needed this video 😅🙏💖
I still haven't learned not to take things personally, but this helped me a lot to realice it. So thank you very much!
This is SUCH a good video. The locus of control is explained so well. Maybe in a future video you can dive into people that feel over-responsible and cannot really feel like what is their responsibility and not, for example due to OCD and/or religious trauma. Some people tend to not act out towards the other person, but towards themselves, and I can tell from my own experience that that is very difficult hehe. What I do is to try to talk to myself like I would to a friend.
Ooh that's a great topic, I'll add it to my short list
Yes!
I gratefully learnt all of this in AA decades ago but I still appreciate hearing it from a respected professional 🙏😊
What is AA ?
@@xaxaxa12alcoholics anonymous
I'm from Argentina and fortunately we been trying to avoid comments about people's apparency but still is really common here. Love your videos, thanks and abrazos!
You have always been my mentor, even though we don't know each other. Whenever I face personal problems, I turn to your videos. Today, your video helped me tackle a significant issue, teaching me to adjust my thinking and avoid taking everything personally. You have been helpful to me as well as many others who have been going through many health challenges!!!
Thank you so much for your wonderful videos!
I think God gave you the gift to heal and touch other people's hearts. May God continue to bless you.
Lots of hugs and love!
I agree. She has the gift to touch and heal other peoples heart. She smiles with pure joy and patiently explaining one by one. Her video is better than some other self help therapy videos I've watched before.
My mother was a master at this and sadly she shaped me well, it cost me more then you can believe, including a wonderful marriage.
Hey same, but if they pick at us it does mean they know we're the ones who are capable of better than they could achieve, and they're salty. The women in my immediate family too, love to play the self pity, relationships never work out, always alone game, because they can't admit to how their own negativity contributes to their relational issues. I no longer see their opinions as having credibility, and yes it is a daily process of healing, and I do wish that you also no longer let another stop you from the life you want for yourself. Good luck
Yes bc I'm only having this taking offense thing with my mother. I feel like we're both the same, but I'm going to take the first step in bettering myself and just try and be nice and compassionate towards her as possible.
Thank you this is sooo constructive for me and I know exactly what to do to get out of my constantly offended, passive aggressive and lonely prison. I just love your infectious and loving, straightforward and happy style of delivery.
I think some second order thinking would add to this advice: that is, best practices to "let it go", as some people might be justice-oriented and think if some does you wrong, it is not a matter of ego being hurt, rather, a wrong ethically imposed that requires some form of justice? That is where it gets more difficult. Further, the negative energy they impose you on, that has to be directed if it is absorbed. It is nice to think we can just shake it off, and maybe some can get that stoic, but if someone is rude to me, I feel a sense of justice to apply that back at them, giving it back, not out of ego, but a moral duty involving teaching. It isn't personal for me, it's more so universal: I don't want that person to keep doing that to other people. Example: trying to help a customer at a retail store and that customer is taking out their bad day on the sales rep trying to help. There is a power dynamic which is unfair and then the customer being demeaning or rude. Brushing it off seems fine, but then this behavior continues. I think a more moderate remedy might be beneficial not only to both parties but whatever party that troubled customer encounter in the future. Being stoic, at times, only further enables bad behavior. There are times to be defensive beyond protecting the ego.
I understand and agree with this. I had to leave a group that defended their "ironic" racism and got abnormally aggressive when I politely called it out. I was belittled, not taken seriously and left when I discovered I was always treated as an outsider on top of that. But there are members in the group who could become dangerous if they continue their beliefs.
I strongly dislike mantras that say you have no control. Because the majority of people shrug their shoulders and say they can't make a difference, positive change isn't happening.
This 100%. You put it into words excellently! There are people at work that were rude to me and I was afraid to stand up for myself for fear of insubordination and retaliation!
I completely agree with what you explained in a very concise form, probably because I think the same way. Certain comments that offend us, regardless of cultural differences, or if the person has had a bad day, can cause great mental damage to the person who felt offended and/or belittled. I try to be very careful and respectful with any individual, I really do not intend to “serve as an example” or that I know better, but simply out of a greater sense of justice, so that such harmful behaviours don’t get perpetuated. I accept that people criticize me if I behave inappropriately without being aware of it, but there are more supportive and respectful ways of doing so. The big issue is that common sense is different for everyone, and also, in my opinion, it should be noteworthy in order to avoid misunderstandings.
I agree
think you need to unlearn the punitive mindset, bro. it is not real justice to just harm someone back the way they harmed you. that just creates more hurt people, not less.
This really comes from a place of integrity. When you demonstrate and live what you are wanting to receive things will change. To really do this though, you must live every second of life with extreme integrity. That means doing the right thing when NO ONE is looking. We do this so when people are looking it’s second nature. This fosters a life of worth and security in your own self efficacy and creates a totally internal locust of self control.
Emma, you’re incredible. I have archived this video to watch again in the future. I’ve realized I’ve done some work on myself in this area, but have a long way to go, but the way your broke it all down actually felt encouraging and made me feel a true desire to shed old habits and grow. Your work here and in other videos is extraordinarily appreciated. No non sense, direct, yet empathetic and overwhelmingly positive. Thank you!
This is really good! When you said loudly cleaning I couldn't believe it since we grew up with a vacuum cleaner that was used to express offense.
I take notice when my gut unwinds itself and this video did just that. This is so insightful, thank you for posting this!
Hey Emna, just wanted to say that i think this was one of the most insightful videos you've ever done because i used to struggle with not taking things personally, and with all the bias we're surrounded with nowadays, ive had to learn to let go of past relationships and interests that weren't really serving me well anymore. We all can be kind to ourselves, and while i believe rudeness and insecurities can manifest in conflicting ways; toxic positivity can just as easily do the same if it isn't interpreted properly. Not only is IQ key; but so is EQ.
Last time I took something personally was today morning when my mom was saying something about my kid and parenting. Basically sharing what works and what doesn't work with him trying to get him to listen. She just shared info and her opinions. But what I heard/thought was "she must think I'm stupid, that I'm a bad mother etc. etc."
The craziest thing about it is that I understood that my mind and emotions are telling me a BS story that is not true but that didn't change how I felt about it. It's kinda like getting a diagnosis doesn't really cure you. I'm kinda proud of myself that I had at least soo much control that I could tell my mom that I need to take a break and we talk again later instead of bursting into flames of self defence and shouting. ☀️🦄 There's hope 😄
I’m so glad your channel has gotten so big. I found you during the pandemic in 2020 and your videos helped me out so much. I’m so happy to see how many subscribers you have now. God bless you now and always. ♥️
The manner in which you use music to begin and end the show is beautiful. It makes the whole video feel natural and without the typical clinical feel. Also, I needed to see this today.
Oh my gosh. There is so much to unpack here. I feel like you are speaking directly to me. Thank you for this video!
I have to tell you how much I like your videos , they are extreamly informative and uber helpful. That being said I always feel and think that the battle with in me keeps telling me there is no real help or cure for the overwhelming problems that are inside my mind . I will say the battle inside is most times too much to even begin to stop ,breath ,calm down , take a moment , examine , redirect , or what ever it is to do . My fight or flight is on and there is nothing but seperation from what ever it is to help. your vids have helped me pinpointing what the cause of my issues are and that is amazing and cuts back on the isolation . I am rambling on but in my way I am thanking you for your help and support .
My problem is that there is a person who does this and thinks everything I do is a silent condemnation of them. And then I'm not told and it's a grudge for 3 years until I find out. Really sick of it. Insecure people, get your act together.
This was so helpful. Puts things in a whole other light. Thank you for the perspective shift and examples of what to work on.
This is the single most important than my I have ever heard about me. Thank you. I hope I can heal myself so I can can be a better part of my other relationships.
You are so talented! Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I learn so much from your videos and share with family and friends. How lucky we are to get this content for free...and from such a kind soul!
Please can we have a series on this! We all need it!
Honey, Emma's whole channel IS a series!
I’m signing up! I’ve been praying for an answer to dealing with this on the daily!
This was a really timely and awesome video. Its something I really needed to hear and so many of us do. Its amazing how all these negative emotions low key, " rewards us" in a way even though they are bad for us. I need to remind myself often, its probably something that they are going through that caused them to respond like that. It most likely has nothing to do with me at all. Thank you Emma for another real and helpful video.
You are truly helping many people with your videos who are facing issues with mental health and anxiety. You are awesome ❤
Yes!! You can’t control how other people act, but you can choose how YOU act/react. Love this.
I am in the process of taking things personally currently and this could not be more aptly timed. Thank you for the wisdom!
Oh my gosh! I am so happy I found this video.
I needed to hear this. I seem to think everything is about me when it is not.
Released when I needed it the most! Thank you, thank you,THANK YOU! ❤
Thank you so much! I watched this 2x, then sent it to my partner. It’s helpful to hear the internal process of what’s going on when he’s lashing out defensively.
Wow, this nailed me, thank you.. I just recently found your channel and I follow it and told my adult daughter about you too. I am learning so much about myself. I know I would benefit from personal therapy but I just can’t afford it so thank you so very much 🙏🏻🤗
I love my therapist, but man, I got more out of this video (on this subject) than I have in the past two years working with her. We work on other things as well that she’s very helpful with, but you really nailed it with this particular subject for me. So helpful! Thank you!!
Wow!! Thank you 🙏 so much for sharing such powerful insight on this topic. Taking things personal has been something that have negatively impacted my life. I love what you said about understanding my core beliefs and the stories I have been telling myself through out my life. Then, Focusing on changing myself to become the person that I want to be instead of trying to change someone else who I think they should be. This is powerful clarity!!! ❤❤
What has helped me is adding this sentence to every judgement of others:”and they are doing the best they can.”
the real struggle is to pretend that others are not mad at you and ending up the most hated person in the group anyway, which has happened to ma a billion times despite putting all the best intentions and keeping my thoughts to myself. I don't read others well and by shutting down and 'taking a breath' I seem a very passive person, with colleagues and friends telling me 'why didn't you clap back and that jerk???' or 'I could never stand someone talking to me like that!'.... I'm really at loss here. Whatever I do (keeping my thoughts to myself, trying to mingle, put most of the blame of ppl being mean to me to external factors or me being an idiot) is wrong... then I inevitably get to a breaking point where negative feedback just breaks my heart and all i want is to change city and life. And honestly, I don't think I am such a great person, I know it's me... but also I don't understand how to not make others hate me....it just feels they hate me for not being extroverted and go getter or 'normal'. I think a lot of ppl think that I'm fake cos I don't get social rules and I fake understanding them but honestly i'm trying to do my best, I just feel like I was assembled wrong since I was a kid and I can't find where to adjust this negative mechanism.
This is very helpful. And it’s true that taking responsibility for what you can control makes for a much happier life. And that taking time to reply and reflect without being inflammatory in your response and checking in with what they mean is helpful as is knowing your own values. I would add that assertive communication in some situations is important esp at times where someone is clearly trying to emotionally test you or repeatedly uses you as an emotional punch bag - even if it’s not about you. As in a very calm ‘I won’t be spoken to like that’ or ‘I appreciate you’re upset but if you continue to raise your voice I’ll have to end this conversation’ etc. It’s not to change their behaviour it’s more to vocalise what your values are and what you are and aren’t willing to accept which is a powerful message. And how you process things internally is also important but people can try to take advantage so while not showing you’re bothered is the best solution in most cases, some people need to hear what your boundaries are x
Yes true. Knowing when to hold your tongue or speak up is a gift. Good timing is important. People certainly aren't mind readers.
Thank you for your videos. It's so helpful to have a resource like this when I'm in the middle of a mental health crisis.
Thank you so much. You just pulled me out of one of the worst holes I've ever been in. Thank God for your calling ❤
This is really such an insightful, informative and helpful video!Thank you Emma!
Thank you for making this video. I know I have a tendency to take things personally. I can't take a joke at all. I overthink why people say what they say to me. I also overthink what I say to other people. I also grew up seeing my mom take everything personally. Proper communication was not something I witnessed. But I don't blame anyone. I just want to be better myself. There's some great reminders and tips in here I'll want to incorporate.
Brilliant!!! Thank you!!! I have always blamed myself for my difficult situations with my partner and my daughter!!! Your advice helped me alot . I was sitting here analysing and blami ng myself!!
You share such enlightening material in such a personable way, I get so much from your videos. Thank you!
Thank you, I really needed this. I used to get great feedback for shared projects from a friend I love, but after recovering from a misunderstanding got blown out of proportion, I've received absolutely ZERO feedback. I've been doing my best to salvage this friendship (we both agreed to) but in spite of giving her positive feedback, just still nothing. I'm afraid to ask why, or if there's something I need to change in my contributions. I can tell this scares me more than it should, but I can't turn it off. It's been weeks now, but I'm daily freaked out about it. I've been in therapy for C-PTSD for ages, done mindfulness exercises, prayer and prayer requests, tried to reframe it as not being about me. It'll subside for a while, but it's stayed one of the most relentless anxieties I've ever had. I'm aware that I'm now on the lookout for warning signs and that that will only make it worse, but I can't seem to stop. It's needless misery and I don't want it.
So thank you for this. I really need this stuff.
This literally happened to me yesterday, what started as me complaining about a joint task with a coworker I started to take offense to their repsonses even after they specifically said they were not about me. I apologized this morning but that was after ruiminating for hours about it and I literally kept saying to myself, this is so silly just stop. I'm glad this video is out lol.
Emma, this was perfect for today...for many days to come I'm sure as I practice putting my energy into making a change. Thank you for all you do for the world. May you continuously be blessed.
Me too, I will start putting this into practice at work and home.
So great. Been following you for a while. Love your gentle personality as you share great insight on so many things we all struggle with. Thank you for these videos! God bless you!
I just came across this video and I’m a therapist you you are GREAT! Thank you for doing what you do. I’m totally in. Everyone needs to be reminded of these powerful tools and how we can calm our nervous system in these challenging times.
Your keffiyeh on the bookshelf just made me like you 100x more 😊
Excellent video, going to watch again. My challenge is my mother-in-law, which is hard, because we are so different. I keep trying hard, but then getting upset by her response.
I rarely leave comments but I must compliment you. This is an amazing amount of information for free!! Your style is incredibly authentic and easy to follow. I visited your website! I am super impressed. One fee to access all the classes would be a great idea, IJS ....thank you so much for all youhave done.
This is terrific stuff! And I'm excited to find that I (to some degree, at least) have navigated a recent misunderstanding with some of these insights/practices in play. I had to muddle through on my own, but I'm now feeling okay with how the dust has settled, and it's a good to be reminded that I"m only responsible for me. Really loved the quote, "Don't believe everything you think." Priceless!
This was a tremendous blessing ❤
I watched this twice because I realized that sometimes I go into a defensive headspace and take offense. That was part of my childhood survival strategy, and so, maybe I place a high value on how others feel and not enough on how I feel....and maybe I try to control the thing that is most precious to me?
I don't know? I'm kinda all over the place with this one.... I want to understand this better because I think that I throw away the wrong half of the paper lol
just wanted to say that you are one of the best channels i came across on youtube, thank you for all the efforts🙏
This is the most amazing, wise and helpful explanation of how to deal with this issue I have ever heard. I will save this to my videos and will watch several times. Thank you for your beautiful work and authentic approach ❤
Great video. I'm putting a task in my diary to watch this every day for a week until it sinks into my thick skull.
I plan to take every word of this video in to work with a new counsellor I'm seeing tomorrow, and spend the next six sessions that I have with her mastering every word. This is my worst problem in life. But it also stems from being the scapegoat child of my family so I'm almost pre-programmed to take offense, pre-programmed to get victimized. another excellent therapist on CZcams described it as being coated in tar around abusers, they pick up on it. I have literally almost been abused daily by different people over the last 2 weeks because I received a birthday card from my sister a day before my birthday 2 weeks ago and have had nothing but ruminating thoughts on all the cruel things that my sister and father have done to me over thirty years, until I kick them out of my life one year ago. She should never have been sending me a birthday card because I have told her no contact so I literally had to send an email on my birthday that I would go to the courthouse and get a restraining order. so my mind has just been this cesspool of victimization so it's like I'm a magnet for it. But I will win this war. I will win with help from women like this. ❤
You are so brave doing this! Well done! ❤🎉🎉
@@rosemaryclarke2348 Thank you, that's very kind of you to say! hey if you're interested in watching the healing journey in real time I'm going to have playlists on forgiveness, on recording a neuroinguistic programming script to change patterns in your brain and follow up videos to see if it's working for me, and lots of other great content! Some of my first videos should be up in the next few days if you'd like to join the other two followers I have so far, and become my third. 😁
You will win the “ war” when you decide to win , it is only your thoughts that connect you now , xxx
This is so good! I love the ripping the paper in half example❤ We can only control how WE react.
Thank you so much for this video. I have learned a lot with it, more than I have in years of therapy. Understanding that this comes from insecurity is so vital for me and makes me understand so many things now. I am a very insecure person in general (though I manage to mask it perfectly), and hence, I now understand why I take stuff so easily personal! Also the aspect that there is a need for control interwoven in all of it was such a big reveal for me, because this is another issue I struggle with.
This has been an eye-opener, thank you so, so much!