People Pleasing: Are You a People Pleaser? And How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
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- čas přidán 24. 05. 2024
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People pleasing is when you feel like you have to change yourself to be loved or accepted by others. People pleasing is especially common among women, but anyone could be a people pleaser. When you are stuck in people pleasing you may feel tired, overwhelmed, exhausted, or resentful. There are different types of people pleasers: the perky, the pouty, and the perplexed people pleaser.
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Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC, and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
About Me:
I’m Emma McAdam. I’m a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I have worked in various settings of change and growth since 2004. My experience includes juvenile corrections, adventure therapy programs, wilderness therapy programs, an eating disorder treatment center, a residential treatment center, and I currently work in an outpatient therapy clinic.
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I feel like sometimes people pleasing is so engrained in my thinking that it’s hard to know what I actually want, because my priority has been to have peace over conflict for as long I can remember.
I've identified my patterns. I read...as soon as you feel the urge to DO...DONT and STAY with that feeling until it passes.
Happiness is FIRST SELF-RESPECT, SELF-REGARD A is most important to keeping WELL. FEELING GOOD 😀
jillianz...I feel ya. But we gotta work on it so we can have the peace we want with other people within ourselves as well. Sounds good?
1
11
Conflict can be terrifying if your childhood programming taught you that conflict leads to abuse or emotional pain💔
Exactly.
True
@Godzilla man strreb - you hit the nail on the head. it just that maybe we learnt that getting into a confrontation could lead to conflict which might lead to yelling, screaming which you would prefer to not entertain. 🙏
Yes and physical beatings with belts.
True. Programed of. Childhood. Be perfect!
Im so tired of being a people pleaser. I don't even care about my needs being met, as long as everyone else is happy. I will do anything, literally *anything* to avoid conflict. But sometimes two seperate people want different things from me that are incompatible and impossible to fulfill both so I can only please one while the other Is mad at me. This KILLS me, this Is where I collapse and think to myself "you guys have NO IDEA how hard I try to make you happy while noone - not even myself - cares about what I actually want!" Of course I don't say any of that. But i get resentful. Its like they care about their needs and I care about their needs and noone cares about mine.
Prioritize your needs. You can start there. Also you can be mote assertive. Like negotiate with the unagreeble person. Say what you think about the situation and your needs.
Wow i’m so happy someone feels the same way I do. Currently going through a situation where i’m planning a family trip and one of my siblings can’t come. I tried to change the dates for him and offer anything else but he’s still pissed at me and is arguing with me. There’s nothing I can do! The vacation works out for everyone else except for him- But it’s making me so upset knowing that I tried everything and he’s still mad at me.
You are a classic target for a narcissist. You gotta know your worth and value , YOU matter.
My life began to change for the better when I asked myself which I’d rather be, respected or liked, and I chose respect. Hard at first but eventually automatic and empowering.
“People pleasers, you’re never really yourself, you’re who everyone wants you to be.” So well said. So many of us unintentionally carry a burden trying to please others. Self improvement begins with self awareness.
I'm that way and I feel like because I try to be there for them they take advantage of me I try to be nice to everyone but some people play on it
David Parkinson same
@@hannahgalaxycatlpsofflcial7302 💗
yeah, really looking inside to determine what our values are!
Who am I? What version of me is myself?
People that have been people pleasing all their life learned to do it as a child SO THEY COULD SURVIVE!! Even then, they were NOT LOVED. It was a good skill then that is not serving them once they are out of the hell hole they grew up in. Unlearning is worth it, although not necessarily easy.
great point!
absolutely the way i feel too! a tool to survive.
Unlearning. Learning you matter just as much as anybody on this 🌎 earth!
Learning RELEARNING DIFFERENTLY REQUIRES DETERMINATION Action, daily! 👍😀🤓🤔👍
Oh my gosh you're right! I'm 69 and I feel like I have "alternate personalities: multiple personality disorder" - no kidding! It's automatic and I end up not knowing who I am. - At my age. And the thing is, I know this sounds awful, but everybody's gonna die. So why bother with the struggle?
@@gailjarvis2592 I'm still struggling with this stuff too and going on 61 😉 it must be nice to have been raised in a good family that doesn't hurt you when you're a child... no clue what that's like! And that's why I make myself miserable with strong emotions all the time 😪 I'm tired of working on this too but want to feel better so I keep learning! Take care
These videos save me from jumping off the cliff every time.
if these videos help you, keep on rewatching ☺️☺️☺️
@@chabelitahernandez3768 thnx bruv I will.
It’s important to satisfy your needs before that of others. You should always be your number 1 priority.
thanks for reminding
What about kids
Yes 💘 absolutely
Your children are your RESPONSIBILITIES to train
them with GOOD SENSE & FAIRNESS!!!
“You think if I’m really myself, people wouldn’t like me”, but the people pleaser is inauthentic and others sense that you’re holding something back. People like me a lot better now I’ve (mostly) stopped people pleasing. Those who don’t like the real you aren’t your friends anyway. Move on, because real friends will show up soon enough. It is hard work breaking that conditioning though.
agreed!
YES. ❤️ Indeed!
People-pleasers don't realize they are also often misjudging people around them. Those close to a people-pleaser can feel lied to about even the littlest things, like "What's your favorite color?" Most people want a true friend and not a mirror of themselves. So ironically people-pleasing can push people away.
so true!
I had a mother who was a narcissist and a father who was co dependant on her, at about the age of 3yrs old I learned NOT TO EXIST , I realised the only way I was loved was if I parented my mother and her needs, so I learned to deny myself as existing, if at any time my father tried to show me any attention my mother would play us of against each other, so my sole purpose in life was to learn to please people for recognition or approval, now in my 70s I live alone my children have grown up and moved on, having been in and out of therapy to no avail, I realise that I don’t know now who I am or what I like or want, because I’ve denied my existence all these years I don’t know how to get to know my inner child and acknowledge her needs and to be honest I’m terrified, I feel now there is no purpose in my life and I don’t know how to become me, it terrifies me, where do I start at this stage in life,
Hello Wendy. I feel your story a lot. Only difference being I'm learning this at 36 and I have many of the same fears as you. This is really hard. How are you doing?
@@aloishe hi not doing as well as I’d like. I’m moving into an apartment block which has a shared community room, I’ve been to look over the place and the people seem really nice, my biggest problem has been trying to support and please people all my life that I’m now very lonely, so I’m hoping knowing I have people in the block that might help with my anxiety and fears of abandonment, l hope you get the support you need and can manage to make a life for yourself and be confident and happy, good luck 🤞💕
I wish I knew you I would love a friend that is also working on people pleasing and we could encourage each others’ authenticity
There’s no magic pill. Perhaps, start with acknowledging your own values and principles in different situations. If you experience a situation where you can bring your values to bear on the situation, as in speaking your truth or establishing boundaries, then take it as an opportunity for growth. Sure, it might mean some level of conflict and discomfort, but if you remain emotionally calm it shouldn’t be in any way the terrible conflict you imagine. I really think the first step is moving out of silence and finding your voice, which you seem to be doing now.
I'm married to a people pleaser - we've been together 20 years - and I find myself after all these years not trusting my husband as far as I can throw him. There are many wonderful things I love and adore about him, but he avoids conflict with me at all costs. He never overtly criticizes or disagrees with me but instead is passive-aggressive or "spins" things to prevent me from being upset or blames me when he is upset. There's no true vulnerability, which means there's no true intimacy, no meeting of our souls, spirits or bodies. I've tried talking with him about it but he just hears me through his shame-based "speakers", receives my pleas as criticism and doubles his efforts to please me more. I've been heartbroken over this for a long time, but I've grieved the loss and now am at the point of deciding whether I will stay well or leave well.
Keeping people at arm length, unable to form deep meaningful connections, is something that resonates a lot with me. I wonder if i'm a pleaser too, or my social skills are really that bad.
I think there is another type of people-pleaser like me. I knew in the deep somewhere, that i am a pleaser, but i am against it. So, even if i feel the same way like others, i say/do the opposite. But the guilt is always there.
I have tested many CBD oils. I think the CBD from Weedborn is the absolute best.
This is so me !! I’ve been a people pleaser all my life and I’m 44 . It’s been a lifetime pattern for me. Sometimes I do resent people when I don’t know how to confront them on an issue.
I am a people pleaser at work only. And I dont know how to break that. When I have set up some boundaries, limiting my hours, refusing an additional project, etc, I have ended up only get massive backlash from superiors and they have ended up only becoming more controlling and less willing to give me the space I need to do my job well. I know I have absolute monsters for bosses, but I cant just job hop all the time, because the most intense part of a people pleasing stage is starting a job. Learning the ropes, passing the probation.
I'm overwhelmed with stress from my personal life I tried to put up some limits with work so I can take care of myself and my family better. They made things so much worse and I had to go on stress leave because I was completely burning out. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to go back, but I have no other job prospects.
I’ve suffered from this since I was a child. And it’s because growing up my mom would force us to have a smile on our face. If we’ve had a long day or sad/mad/angry it was like an insult to her. It’s like we needed to be happy for her to be happy. But I’m dropping that today. I’ve had a lot of resentment that broke my marriage and today I’m myself. And I don’t care who likes it.
Life is too precious to be ignored, or neglected.
The Bff technique: it works! I've been using this technique lately and it's powerful. I had no idea how much my inner critic is a social narcissist. Ugh.. I also call it self-mothering. What would my perfect mom say to me? I talk to myself out loud. So helpful and calming. Excellent video. Thank you!!
This was enormously helpful!! I've struggled with people pleasing and perfectionism for 53 years. This so resonated with me because I actually have a pendant that says, "Speak your truth even if your voice shakes." I often wear it for work meetings to shore up my confidence.
I know I’m a people pleaser and I have a lot of anxiety about it. My problem is occasionally that “overwhelming” feeling sends me over the edge and I end up turning my anxiety into anger because for some reason I feel like I have control over it when i transform it into anger. This leads to me being sort of passive aggressive to everyone I encounter so I won’t feel the anxiety.
sounds like you've got some self-awareness about that :)
This is so me. But I don't need it cause anger is heavy and I don't wanna hurt innocent people 😔😭
I have been shamed for people pleasing, sometimes I'm told that I'm being dishonest. If you are a people pleaser you attract others that want to take advantage of your situation and it makes it harder to brake the pattern.
This is me, I've been like this for sixty years it's physically exhausting, I believe it starts in childhood. Your parents program your nervous system through guilting and shaming. Some of us had physical violence and emotional neglect that you live in fear. People pleasing is a copping mechanism. Take the time to investigate your childhood and educate yourself about narcissism and codependency, polyvagel theory. There's so much more to this, all the best for everyone who's on this journey of self-discovery
Emma does an amazing job of synthesizing what the guest is saying. I LOVE the way she explains things. 😍 She’s a Godsend! I adore her.
I loved it. And the fact that you expressed your own vulnerability and admitted you’ve been working on people pleasing yourself is very courageous of you. I found it truly inspiring
Thanks
I only thought of people pleasing as saying yes and taking on too much. I never looked at it as not being able to be the real you. Thinking about this it's so true. I've never lived alone either so never had chance to see who I am
I’ve been stupid people pleaser and at the same time not a happy person. it’s true that people like me who suffer from anxiety or deppression try to please others
Thank you so much for this conversation
Thanks for the idea!
Being a people pleaser makes you being very vulnerable. Manipulative people, especially those whose hardwiring is disturbed (personality disorder) can take advantage of such vulnerable people. They use their need to be accepted and loved and cherished. Manipulators usually build a fake throne or pedestal for for them by praising them, complementing but still asking for many favours. The pleaser is trapped then in than hamster wheel until they are completely exhausted, shuttered and broken. Once that happen to a pleaser the manipulator disappears. So it’s good thing to treat that, self esteem and assertiveness are crucial.
Great video ladies! Thank you. I actually have the opposite issue. I am always authentic, and very vulnerable with others ... constantly experiencing rejection. It's a no win situation sometimes.
I have a lot of issues with my mom and I found out I have people pleasing syndrome. I tried to please her always at my own expense. One time I didnt want to marry this man she said I was being selfish. And I said GOOD! Then I actually care about myself now.
My job as a hairdresser seems to fit right into my people pleasing. It get crazy especially if I feel everything wasn’t perfect. Oh my gosh it’s exhausting beating yourself up. Thank you for this segment.
When she talked about how we're trying to avoid conflict at about 18:00-yes, that really resonated with me. Yes, I'm trying to keep everyone happy so I don't have to deal with conflict. But I can rethink my idea of some necessary conflict as not being bad, but part of a relationship that can be worked through. I have a very nice client that approached me about doing my professional work on a side project that is personal to him. I was very kind about it, but turned the job down because it wasn't something I thought I was a good fit for and it wasn't right (positive) for my headspace and, while not terrible, wasn't what I wanted to be part of and spend my time on. I never heard a word back from this person in the past month which has been uncomfortable in our regular work. But, it's also an opportunity to grow for me because I did do what I had peace about (rejecting the job in a kind way) and learning to let something go or be okay even if someone might be mad at me. I still think well of this person, but somehow I touched a nerve on their end. Anyway, this topic just comes up constantly in our lives and it's good to learn how to work through this so we aren't in a constant state of anxiety. Thank you for sharing on this topic!!
whenever you post something, i'm so happy that you posted but i also go into it with some hesitation because i know it's going to be kind of difficult listening to other people pointing out the embarrassing things i do... like obsessing over a conversation. it's hard admitting to myself that i do some of these things :/
thanks for sharing your vulnerability! yes, I feel the same way, I'm constantly trying to improve, but sometimes it's a little tender or emotional
I recently realized that in addition to having people pleasing tendencies I can’t stand to have someone dislike me. What I’m wondering is, do these two things stem from the same place and can they be managed in the same way or are they distinct and unrelated issues?
You girls are awesome.
I'm a recovering people pleaser too & right now I've got a friend who is a people pleaser too but he is a perfectionist as well & geez don't I make him feel uncomfortable hahaha. Trying to accept him without trying to fix him is hard work.
Thank you this is exactly what I needed to hear today, so helpful
I stumbled upon this channel, and I'm hooked! Your video really helps me. Thank you.
This was great. Thank you. And just the right amount of time for me to keep my concentration. 👍
You said that deep down many of the clients feel “not good enough,” and this is how I feel. My question is, what happens when feeling “not good enough” is tied to spiritual abuse? I was raised in a legalistic, high-pressure, cult-like church, and the message there was clear: you must live according to our rules to be acceptable-to people, to God, to avoid going to hell. There was a lot of people pleasing/pastor pleasing to survive and gain even a modicum of approval. And even when I tried to live according to the church’s edicts, the bar was always raised and the rings of fire became more narrow. I’ve since left this church several years ago, but I still feel not good enough and like I’m “less than,” unworthy of love, damaged goods. How do I heal from this?
Praying for you @ProfMichelle. Jesus Christ died so that we may be set free from the law. We do NOT have to please anyone. We do NOT have to work to earn salvation or approval. God loves you so much that He sent Jesus to die for you so that you may be saved. He already loves and approves of you. And this is our motivation for work, we work to thank, worship and glorify Him, not the other way round. Yes, we are all not good enough, after all, we are all sinners and have fallen short of the glory of God. That's why we need God. He loves and accepts you unconditionally. I encourage you to read the Bible and meditate on His character and how much God loves you, to pray to Him and let Him show you how He sees you. Besides that, it may also be useful to attend EMDR or other psychotherapies to process your childhood trauma. I pray that you will replace those lies you once believed in with the TRUTH that comes from the word of God.
I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing! (Galatians 2:21)
Exactly what Jess said. I'm so sorry that you went through that. That church you were exposed to had false, abusive doctrine and I pray that your experience of people's faulty nature didn't shape your view of God. Jesus died so that we may be free from the bonds of sin. The law was set to show us what sin is and that we are unable to uphold it. It's also a helpful tool to navigate our lives. But it does NOT dictate whether we go to Heaven. Understanding that we are sinners in the eyes to a holy, perfect God and believing in Jesus Christ and HIS work on the cross is how we get there. Everyone knows John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth on him shall not perish, but have everlasting life", but to sit and dissect that scripture is important. If you look at it closely, you can see we get to Heaven because God did the work. And he did the work because he loves us. It's all about who Jesus is, and not about our abilities.
Thank you for your videos!!! Thank you for your generosity! They've been VERY helpful!
it's so important for people to realise that by not people pleasing and saying it as it is, it's okay if the majority of people don't like or agree with you. it's still okay to be "you". Tks for such a helpful video 🙏
This was so enjoyable to listen to. You were so honest and light in addition to being informative :)
These videos, conversations and courses your putting together are really helping me cope and understand myself better, thanks for doing what your doing and I really appreciate your work, thanks again from the UK.
Thank you for this ladies-really helpful!
Amazing video, i found out so many things about me in less than 30 min 💕💕. Love this video and for sure i will view the others too. Thank you for your work 🙏.
Great conversation. Thank you!
THANK YOU SO MUCH. ❤️ It feels like I am having a therapy session now 🥺🥺 You don't know how much it is helping me right now
Oh my goodness I was already going to comment to say how much I love and appreciate you Emma, and now two minutes in I REALLY HAD to comment - this resonated with me so much!
I..... did not realize how much of a people pleaser I was until watching this.
Awesome video. So helpful and practical. A new leaf will be turned for me tomorrow. Thank you. 🙏
This video was amazing, thank you both for your amazing work.
The name of your channel with the brain in a nutshell during the intro.. GENIUS
This is such an amazing video. You ladies are awesome!
More of these. Amazing video! ❤️
Thank you! Will do!
You're just amazing, thanks a lot. I hope this helps a lot of people, especially who have narcissistic parents
Bless you, bless you, bless you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Changing to please and hide because some of us don't know who we are.
Thank you very much from Canada!!! This was a lovely interview and so insightful and empathetic and thought provoking!
Thank you ladies, this was extremely empowering! 🙏
I really like this video, one of the better ones online in my opinion. I'm at the stage where I'm working on becoming aware of when I am doing it, which is much of the time. I get my value from others opinions of me. You would think this would be an easy habit to break but its not, but so true that its worth the work because coming out on the other side of it is so good.
Thanks a lot for sharing with us ❤
Love these videos and just listening to your voice. I became ill with M.E./cfs
17 yrs ago. I'm still severely ill with added anxiety disorder. Looking back I was in a highly stressful job( teaching teenagers with behaviour problems) and think having the continuous adrenalin rushes stopping fights and bad behaviour was part of the reason I got ill. I also found out I had an underactive thyroid. And anaemia And the tipping point was catching a virus.
Best advice ever! Thank you so much!❤️
This is me 100%. This video has helped tremendously!
This is one of the many reasons I find it helpful to look to a non-arbitrary, unchanging standard of expectation of living as unto the Lord and not as unto people. We can always trust that Jesus wants what is best for us, knows us, loves us, and guides us well. And then, there are some people some of the time who will reinforce that foundation, and those people are worth giving credence more often than not so we can check ourselves (cause sometimes we actually should change) and feel confirmed in our actions and who we are before God.
Thank you for inviting these highly supportive and qualified people for benefiting us.
Amazing video, Really enjoyed it
Glad you enjoyed it
I didn't realize this were connected....wow, very enlightening. Ty.
Thank you so much. For giving a voice to all the feelz inside. I am choosing to be more authentic, to not avoid conflict and create genuine connections with the people I love♥️ I feel confident in the journey and grateful for sources like this🙏🏽
I think you're a really gifted interviewer. kept me into the whole segment when at first I wasn't sure I was in for 27mins!
Great one! Thank you.
Respectfully assertive is difficult. Assertive power is unburdening. Saying, NO! Have less friends is the result. Not a good feeling. 😢
Agree to disagree. It’s really quality friends over being extremely popular but not having any meaningful relationships.
Where does neighbor COMPASSION GIVING SERVING FIT?? Still Say NO NO NO.
Utahn here! The 'positive only' culture is seriously toxic. Politically, religiously, the two have intertwined and my concerns about reality and facts are looked at as toxic to them. But I live here, too! I am concerned and want careful honest dialogue thru it to see what reality really is... nope! Unallowed. Feeling gaslit by firehose.
This has really helped me so much.
Yah, so it starts with self-compassion and being your own best friend, not the worst critic in our own heads. And taking tiny steps of being comfortable with conflict. Talking things out with curiosity instead of exploding or bottling up emotions.
Lovely video- thank you!!!
This is a hard one, and a first to hear. Lots of processing to do, Especially as a Child of God, drawing the line in showing compassion towards others needs. Thank you for this content, if you are able to share on the above mentioned and being to draw the line without rejecting others, it would be appreciated.
Confession first: I adjusted the video speed to 1.5X, apologize, but the ladies have such pretty voices, that the speed adjustment didn’t change the quality of the video for me.
Notes from the video:
The fundamental reason for people-pleasing is the fear that we are not good enough, but in reality, we are not being authentic and betraying ourselves. People pleasing can lead to poor self-esteem and can hurt our relationship with others as well.
At 15:26, the steps of dealing with people pleasing:
1. Recognizing when we are people-pleasing, trying to be nice, but you are putting people at arms’ length, hard to develop intimate deep-resonating connections with people.
2. Recognizing that we can draw power within to conquer this behavior pattern.
3. Facing the fears, such as fear of being rejected, fear of losing a relationship etc.
4. Setting proper boundaries and and learn that saying no does not mean that we are mean
5. Evaluate our core beliefs and assumptions, if they are not useful, need to replace them with those that work for us
6. Learn to endure and resolve conflict instead of avoiding them, sometimes conflicts can strengthen relationships. Discomfort is a minor version of a conflict, learn to get used to be uncomfortable, don’t need to label the feelings that discomfort is bad
7. Develop sense of compassion to ourselves and learn to self-sooth.
I incorporated some points from the host’s other videos to make the notes more coherent.
This was beautiful Thanks 🙏
i got to know yesterday that my social anxiety and perfectionism is due to people pleasing now i am watching this video thanku mam
You two are so practical and relatable! Thank you!!! I’ve totally been a people pleaser and I’ve been so good at it! 😉 But the last few years, since being in menopause, I start having a hot flash whenever something is not congruent with who I am or what I want to do, and I either have to leave the room or say something which has been a big blessing actually. And I’ve also come to realize that the discomfort that I’ve endured within is worse than the discomfort I’ll endure by being honest. So I’d rather go through the discomfort right then & there than to carry all that anx for the long term. I’ve also heard “conflict delayed is conflict multiplied.” 😳 Also, I’d rather have real friends than a bunch of people in my life that I’m inauthentic with. I don’t have all of this mastered yet but I’m happy to say that I’m being much more courageous and taking action even though it’s not comfortable. Feels good to be standing up for myself and my family. Our daughter is 16 years old and she’s an additional inspiration bc I want to be a strong, healthy role model. Thanks again for this channel and all that you share! The REAL LIFE TOOLS make such a difference!!! 😁❤️
Perfect!!! I am nearly 70 now and have been a people pleaser all my life!!! Always scared people wouldn't like me if I said No to anything!!!! This is especially true with my husband and four children!!! Still is!!! I am now consequently being asked to babysit all the time!!!!! I love my grandchildren but by this stage in life the constant anxiety has taken over!!! Will try from now on to set bounderies and put myself first!!! Never too late!!!
Wonderful podcast. I feel living with narcissistic caregivers might increase the tendencies of people pleasing behaviour in children when they grew up.
Such a nice conversation. I miss having friends and having honest conversations where people can agree or not but no one will take it like an attack. I see far too many people who want others to agree with them when they don't or would feel hurted.
Very insightful
Love this !
I can be a people pleaser at times but I think I have my self under control with that kind of thing I am trying to work on my anxiety it's getting to the point that I can't go out with out having a panic attack but I think I am get better at that😁
Omg wow I’m so glad I found this
your right on this emma thank you
Thanks!
I was so bad at people pleasing I thought I had to give gifts every time I saw my "friends" and most of them were narcissists it's like my whole life was a lie nothing was real not even ME 😭 I had no idea who I was what I like when I stopped it was so lonely
Maybe your way of showing love and kindness..
A huge thank you 🙏
That guitar in the background is so calming
I have an emotionally abusive single mother. I was so afraid of her abuse as a child - Her words were very damaging words - her love was conditional on her happiness only - and she does crazy making gaslighting - this is why I was a perfectionist and people pleaser until my late 40s.
I have asserted myself now and I have been authentic and unemotional with her - however - the pushback was awful - it did end the relationship for a few years and now it is a distant relationship as she vilifies me.
I had to be an adult to assert like this. It’s very damaging to do this in an abusive relationship. So it would be amazing if you did a session about how to navigate this in an abusive relationship. As a child I fawned and people pleased to stay safe ❤
It’s only safe to assert yourself in a non abusive relationship. If the relationship is abusive you’ll know as soon as you start to assert yourself - then, if you’re an adult, you can leave. If you’re a child and your parent is emotionally unkind - talk to an adult, teacher or phone child line. ❤❤❤
It is true though - going down the path of not people pleasing is authentic and worth it ❤❤❤
Still working on my people pleasing ...the thing that helps me is the respect for honesty.....ppl will not respect you if you're not honest ...you also can't be trusted and you basically are making your relationship s worse. So eventho truth hurts sometimes. It's better then living a lie😊
Saying no... when I do it, I'm severely punished compared to my male counterparts...even by the women. Women are encouraged to be people pleasers, especially in UT
Not always
ive been acused of people pleasing i just care greatly for people.
Thank you 💛
Set a boundary and had someone set over it hugely...confronted them (which was hard and they kicked me out) I now find it very hard to let people in.
im a people pleaser, and im closeted and gay. and my parents are super religious.
ive always planned to eventually comeout to them but
sometimes i genuinely convince myself that its just better for me to stay in the closet, i dont want to disappoint them, and break their heart. i say i have the power to not cause them pain. and choosing to come out is be choosing to cause them pain. im making a choice that would actively hurt other. and i cant get myself out of that. how can i choose to hurt others just to feel better? how do i know that its not a selfish act?
Jae feel free to reach out to me if you would like support. I have been there.
You have every right to be happy. They may feel pain when you come out, but they need to deal with it. You cannot sacrifice your life for the life of your parents. You are whole and beautiful as you are. Although they weren't religious, my parents had a really hard time when I came out, and they took it personally (as though I was trying to punish them). Over the years they have learned to be comfortable with my sexuality. I am able to be closer with them now than before I came out, because I don't have to hide part of my life from them. There is nothing selfish about living your authentic self. You need to choose you. You are worthy.
What about your pain?
Thank you 🙏🙏🙏
Love it.