How To Stop Being a People Pleaser
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- čas přidán 16. 06. 2024
- Welcome back to another cozy chat. Today we're talking about people pleasing in all of its forms and how to stop yourself from doing them.
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All Things Koze Blog & Shop ▹ allthingskoze.com/
All Things Koze Instagram ▹ / allthingskoze
Koze Flow Instagram ▹ / kozeflow
Kalyn's Instagram ▹ / kalynnicholson13
Coffee Talk Chapters ☕️
00:00 - Different types of people pleasers
11:27 - What can happen to people pleasers
14:59 - Ad break
17:47 - Resentment & burnout
21:47 - What makes us become people pleasers
27:16 - Steps to stop people pleasing
Kalyn's Books:
Catcher [dystopian fiction] ▹ www.amazon.com/dp/B07G7QSGM2/...
Dancing With Elephants [poetry] ▹ www.amazon.com/dp/1999415132/...
FEELS [self-development] ▹ www.amazon.com/dp/1999415124/...
Disclaimer: I am not a mental health specialist, just a Canadian gal with an old soul who likes to crack the ice on deep conversations that can foster personal growth and positive change.
❤ This Coffee Talk is sponsored by Parade & Organifi. ❤
Stay Koze-y
My biggest struggle is being a people pleaser with my children. (I'm a single mom to teen boys) I've noticed resentment setting in because I give so much of myself to them and feel drained and unfulfilled at the end of each day. I also gave up a lot of my dreams to focus on being a mom but now I look at my life and I feel like I lost myself. I don't know who I am outside of being their mom. I've been starting my day with working out and meditating to try to fill my cup first but I think I'm only getting about half my cup filled before I start getting pulled in different directions. Thanks for the reminder to keep putting myself first.
I read this as “I’m a single mom to ten boys” and I was like 😮
You can do this momma! Just think of it as you filling your cup first so you can teach those boys to become people and MEN that not only you as a mom, but also us as women collectively can feel proud of.😇
This was so vulnerable, thank you for sharing!! I’m happy to hear you’re setting forth the intention to put yourself first. Wishing you all the best and healing ❤
I feel like people pleasing can be a form of manipulation. I have been an extreme people pleaser when I was younger trying to get friends and boys to like me. But I feel like if I look at my actions really honestly, I was manipulating people by being sooo agreeable and changing who I was to make them feel more comfortable instead of being g my authentic self. They didn't like the real me because I contorted myself so much to be what I thought they like. Which isn't necessarily fair to them or to me.
Omg, this 🎉❤that takes a LOT of self work and introspection to realize. I’ve also realized that I did that too. I’m working on that. And working through forgiveness with myself and others. It’s a journey! Wish you a safe and cozy holiday
I absolutely am to the point where I have been a people pleaser for so long I've forgotten who I am. I would love to hear more about how to find yourself after that. My partner asks me what I want and I can't answer because I don't know.
My people pleasing tendencies are the result of childhood trauma-trying to mitigate potential threats. I’ve been working on it through working on my boundaries around work availability, practicing daily self-care habits, and following my own path.
Stop people pleasing has been such a journey for me! First, the realization that I was a people pleaser was already difficult. That I please people seeking validation and also avoiding conflict. I think it's so difficult because people pleasing is disgusted as a 'nice behavior'. It's so easy to think you are actually doing it for the sake of helping others, but it's not.
And now I am in the second phase, where I can recognize my behaviors around it and I try to do it differently, but in doing so I feel soooo bad! I feel really really bad when I say no, when I sit boundaries. And at the same time when I am not able to do it, knowing I should, it makes me feel bad again.
Honestly this could not have come at a perfect time for me
Yes...drinking...a cup of coffee or tea...first thing in the morning...first make yourself happy..😊
Hi! I watched two old coffee talks today and I am ready for another one! Thanks for your hard work, Kalyn :) I need to dive into this topic because I know I am a people pleaser myself, and I need to journal about this topic. Thanks again!
Definitely a people pleaser. Being an empath and struggling with my mental illness I always want to make others happy. I’m also very go with the flow. It took me years to finally stand up for myself and although what I’ve gone through almost broke me I found myself so it’s so true the saying “we fall, we break, we fail…but then, we rise, we heal, we overcome.” My boyfriend is a Pisces! Very adaptable sign. I’m a Sagittarius so pretty chill and positive myself. ✌🏼💖
At some point my tendency to be a problem solver and adviser in other people's lives led to accumulation of people with constant problems and negativity. And now I am every single day listening to somebody's whining about life, or I am just drowning in a flow of other's irritability and negative thoughts. So I am constantly trying to help with their mental health so that I would be able to have at least a couple of hours at peace. And I get that some friends of mine really have some issues, and need support. But for now it resulted in the fact that I help them for all the selfish reasons (to have a stable emotional environment), and not so much because of caring. And I hate to be this way with my close friends. So I am currently working on that problem.
Kalyn! I love this video. I think a lot of people use the term "empath" to really mean being a people pleaser, being unable to separate themselves from the emotions of others. I really appreciate you threading the line between being healthily and unhealthily aware of others' feelings. When I move past my people pleasing tendencies, I stop being empathic. I start recognizing someone's feelings as extant, but NOT my own. And that's healthy.
Your videos have helped me through my depression so much! Thank you for your presence and all the effort you put into these videos and community♥️ sending you love!
Love this topic, it took a long long long time to realize that being a people pleaser was the reason I failed to establish personal and professional boundaries in my life. When I think about failed relationships and friendships it was due to a lack of boundaries. Why? people pleasing. It was a hard adjustment to get out of that mindset, some will understand and some won't. In the long game, we are much better off and able to live a fulfilling life by not foregoing our individual needs just to maintain relationships.
OMG! I am a people pleasing Pisces and we may be BFF's now!!!! 🤣 Literally everything you said is me to a T including the traumatic childhood!!
Omgg i am truly truly being honest here. I have been researching and thinking on going to therapy just to talk to someone and help me solve certain misunderstandings, confusions, conflicts etc but the more and more im watching your videos, the more im taking mental and physical notes from your videos which was what i was actually looking for in a therapist! I hope you have or looking forward to have a ted talk, being a teacher or beyond. You are truly an amazing and I am so happy to have found you!
Great points! Thanks for the inspiration 🙏🏼 And: you changed the sign! I love it🤩
I literally needed this video today. I’m working on filling my own cup right now.
Kalyn! I was just talking about this with my therapist! Like are you magic? You always give me what I need exactly when I need it!! Love you! ❤
Okay, this one really hit home today. Awesome talk!
I’m not going to lie I totally needed that coffee talk.I’ve been struggling with all the people pleasing tenancy you talked about for the majority of my life. I’ve had friends and family tell me I need to work on not being such a people pleaser but no one every really gets into the detail of what it looks like how to stop it or why your doing it , so listening to you go so into depth about it really helped me to see and understand myself more clearly . Most importantly ways on retraining my mind to respond to people around me and how to make myself a priority which is really hard for me with my abandonment issues. But from the bottom of my heart thank you for existing in my timeline and helping me find healthy ways of re centering myself. I love your heart and spirit so much you help people around the whole world with there mental health and creating a safe place to work on bettering themselves and it’s truly a beautiful thing to watch and be apart of thank you for this cozy part of the world to go to. Sending you lots of love strength and wisdom I wish you and your new little family member a wonderful first Christmas.
Been watching from the beginning.
Your like a sister iv never had to come to for advice and guiding. Thank you!
Everything you said! ✨ subscribed!
Needed this today. Thanks!
Didn’t realise how much this video was going to help me and it truly has helped me unlock so much in my head thank you. Love you to the moon and back 🧡😘
this channel is my therapy. thanks you always Kalyn❤
Today as I tune in I'm working on a crochet Christmas light garland so that in combo with your coffee talk I'm feeling very cozy!
I'm so glad you dropped this video because I FEEL everything and it gives me such bad anxiety. Ive been in therapy for 6 years and I cant fight it i'm still learning how to implement boundaries and actually LIVE by them! I feel like I'm in an all or nothing situation with myself and others and it sucks.
We need your coffee talks ❤️ 🙏 so helpful
I love to see creators that I watch across content genres giving each other love 💕 boze is the best and so damn funny
Life changing & thought provoking coffee chat, thank you so much. You have made me much more aware of who I am and why.
this was so hard for me to do in the past and once you stop trying to please everyone, life becomes so much easier!
Loved it ! 💗 I’m also a Pisces ♓️ and relate to everything u said 😢😅
Listened to the podcast version of this - loved it!
Loved this one Kalyn! ❤
you and boze v the world are my recent comfort channels ❤ was so cool to see you talking abt her
Omg!! So happy you’re still here!! ❤❤
I really enjoyed this , I'm always putting others first but no matter what I get hurt or not important because of that my anxiety and depression have been bad
This came at the exact time I needed it :)
Thank you Kalyn for this coffee ☕ talk. Recently, I have been learning things about myself, more uncomfortable ones that I didn't want to shed light on because they are uncomfortable. One of the things I have noticed that I do subconsciously and unconsciously, that ties in nicely with this coffee talk topic, is people pleasing. I can resonate to some of the examples you pointed out like co-dependency and being pathologically empathic.
What a valuable coffee ☕ talk vid.
Thank you for this conversation. I've identified so much with this. I often find myself people pleasing. I've been emotionally abused my entire life so I just want to avoid making people unhappy but it makes me unhappy. I've also been hurt by family physically during childhood. We'd get cruel punishments for stuff we didn't even do. So much pain in my past I just want to avoid it now. Unfortunately pouring too much from my empty cup, it's hurting me. It's hurting my potential to move forward and to feel peace. I find I can't say no when I would like because there is always much anger when I do. I get guilted or anger responses. Helping others or doing so much for others gives me burnout.
Kaitlyn, yesterday i had a huge situation where i betrayed myself and my needs for the sake of my family. This came literally at the perfect time ❤️
Really interesting talk Kalyn 😊 as a people pleaser myself it’s something I have to improve, for sure.
I’ve also seen people becoming, inconsiderate, selfish and even disrespectful whilst trying to stop people pleasing which is a shame. I guess it can be tricky for some people to balance it all out.
Definitely working progress & yes will have to remind myself no we not doing xyz from time to time ❤❤❤❤❤❤ thank you very much love your content 🥰🥰🥰🙏🏽🙏🏽 everything you said was spot on omggg 😮😮😮😩😩😩🫣🫣🫣❤❤❤❤
That’s such a great topic! Reminds me of the theory of the wounded healer 😊 unfortunately people are able to take from you forever without wondering where it’s coming from lol crazy .. let’s heal and be better ❤
haha the ending:P thanks for another great talk, I needed this one
Coffee Talk Podcast web? YES PLEASE👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Such a helpful chit chat!!
Love this topic & I watch Boze for the same reasons u mentioned ❤️.
Wheewwww well did I need this. Yes!
Well this episode made me cry! You really adressed things i was aware of. Do you have any books for this!
One of your bests👌
Really good talk
Soooo helpful 🫶🏽
I love listening to you 🥰
Love thisssss
I love this
wow this was a lot to unpack.
Best big sis ❤
the ending with "naughty" cup in your hand 😁
Japanese have a saying: each day is a lifetime. You wake up in the morning newly born. As you pass through the day, you age, you gain experience, you learn. What you do today, how you do it, shapes your whole life. Live each day, each minute fully as if it matters.
You deserve full respect love and honour
Totally off-topic - But I just wanted to mention your skin looks really good in this video. Not sure if it's pregnancy hormones or if you recently visited your medical esthetician, but your skin looks fire rn
Going over to check out Boze vs the World.
🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Amen
those marshmallows are so yummy - I buy them just to snack on 😂
I am a people pleaser type of person and I want to change that.
👍
Which youtuber was she talking about in the beginning of the video?
How i oh s the video 13 mins but already had 2 people who commented a day ago. 🤯
I got bunch of leaked books like “can’t hurt me “by David Goggins “Atomic Habits and many books you will need just hmu if u need them
Can we be friends😭
Hi just wanted to say I heart you. That’s all. Carry on. 🫶
Edit: I left this message above before even watching the video. I’ve been watching your content since 2017. I think you’re pretty wise beyond your years. I love the new sign. We love your work
Sending positive vibes,
Koze Krew OG without hashtag so as not to be mislead 👀
wow. this is so me! im glad im not the only one struggling with this. Working on this daily!🤍 thank you !