My Wife Uses Her Medical Condition as a Crutch
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- čas přidán 5. 09. 2024
- On today’s episode, we hear about:
• A man whose wife uses her medical issues as an excuse not to show up in their marriage
• A caller wanting to know how to support a friend who just came out as transgender
• A man who’s struggling to deal with the stress and anxiety caused by working for his dad’s company
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As soon as he quoted a poet I knew all I needed to. This guy is a piece of work, it was exhausting just listening to him.
I was thinking, "Is it just me? This guy is exhausting." So many metaphors, cliches, but never really saying anything.
Yes, quoting poetry is probably what he is using on his side piece. I am sure he has his eyes on another woman.
You do know John does the same thing and uses metaphors and quotes people all the time
My ex had 18 surgeries, I was the caregiver, nurse, driver, money maker, child care worker- over 12 years. By golly, I needed him 2x for surgeries and he acted like the 4 weeks (combined for both surgeries) of taking care me were the hardest of his life and he should get a medal. He would get mad, the house was so filthy, I had to hire a cleaning service to help, with money we could not afford. I have anxiety, chronic issues and I never ONCE complained when he needed something, I did it. She needs to run.
I see why he’s an ex 😂 good call
I believe that AA calls type of person the first caller is "a dry drunk" -- you've cut the alcohol, but you still haven't addressed the underlying issues. The work is hard, but it is so worth it.
I got crap from another recovering addict one time because I said I would never date or marry a drug addict. I can barely keep myself sane without the added stress of dealing with someone else's addictions. Addicts are complicated people with complicated pasts. Dry drunks/addicts can be some of the most insufferable people to deal with. I love them all and wish them the best, but I don't want them in my life.
Did anyone else hear the first caller's hesitation when John asked him if there was someone else, and again when John asked if there was someone else emotionally? John wouldn't call him out on that, but I sure noticed it.
I did. His response spoke volumes.
He's lying.
I feel bad for his wife.
He DEFINITELY is ready to cheat.
I did indeed. He had to think. If you have to think to answer, you have someone.
Yep he was lying
The fact this woman supported him through years of alcoholism and he's done with the relationship the moment he feels like he's putting in an ounce of energy more than she is, and the moment she's struggling, tells me all I need to know. She deserves so much better.
Exactly! And 9/10 his struggles with addiction stressed her out and she became sick!
That too! There's a reason women struggle with autoimmune disease so commonly
Yes! I felt this same way and I'm only a few minutes in. I feel so bad for the wife...
The fact he doesn't even recognize or believe she struggled supporting him through that because he was the breadwinner anyway is disgusting. So many men seem to not understand marriage and life outside the boundaries of providing financially. It's ridiculous.
they were married for 7...so how many YEARS could that be...5 years? how cute, what now? he should sign up to be a doormat doing EVERYTHING for her for the rest of his life? i swear this fibro crap is the most white girl intitled b.s that was ever made up this century thats why all of you get so twisted over this here.
“I keep my relationships very very narrow” is one way of saying I can’t maintain relationships bc I’m a jerk
Precisely
Not everyone who maintains a very small narrow network is necessarily a jerk, and I'll explain why
Let's say you're an abuse survivor who barely survived, and you need to be careful who you hang with, so abuse NEVER happens again....
Plus, let's say you're one of those people who needs to be in a clean smoke-free environment, away from alcoholics and other toxic behavior, sometimes it requires narrowing down your network to just a few people
Sometimes you just have to weed out everyone else and put some people on the outer circle
If you're alone for long periods of time for long enough, eventually God will bring you the right people, because it's happened with me more than once
Believe me, not everyone who narrows their network down to just a few people is a jerk....
It may be that they're just careful who they hang with so they don't hang around toxic people who might harm them
You know how many weirdos and dangerous people there are out in the world, why wouldn't People protect themselves by narrowing their Network to just a few people?
They're NOT NECESSARILY jerks, YOU ARE if you think this way!
Don't paint the kettle black, it's NOT all black....
You're talking to an abuse survivor here who BARELY survived....
I was rescued from my drunken abusive parents By the Lorraine County Ohio CPS when I was 13....
Then I went through hell on Earth in those facilities for 8 years and then hell on Earth again In certain placements Until I was finally turned loose out into safe community where I could start a new life, and be free for the first time
Believe me, I had a very rough start because the community who didn't know I was attacked by the house parent of my last adult foster home, the community tried to drive me out but it didn't work!
The rough start is they pretty much made my life so miserable they hope I'd leave, but I COULDN'T
This and everything else I was through growing up has a lot to do with why I also keep a very narrow network, so shut up about this guy keeping a narrow network because he may very well be protecting himself like I ALSO have to!
I had a rough start, but things got easier over the years, because God put a stop to some of the stuff that was going on against me....
The rough start was caused by the person who had this adult foster home, she was abusing some Down Syndromes who were later removed from her care and rehomed in new placements
When someone's been traumatized so bad they can't trust anyone, sometimes they must be careful who they trust and who they hang with
Sometimes you discover trust is earned, and developed gradually over time....
Some people are easier to trust right away, with others you take your time
When you're an abuse Survivor who was through what some of us have been through, you MUST be careful WHERE you live, WHO you hang with, and so much more, if you want to live a long healthy life
@@0annonymous yes, we all have to be mindful of who we keep as company. But if you can’t keep friends and you’re the common denominator- then that’s when you have an issue.
2 years sober is amazing… but in a 7 year marriage that’s 5 years trauma that she pulled all the weight during while dealing with chronic illness that isn’t taken seriously by anyone including doctors…
And he said I don’t know how much trauma there was 🙄 he mostly went to work during so it must not have been that bad for her.
Most of the time, a marriage no longer works when one gets sober unless both are 1000% committed to self improvement/spirituality/God because the dynamics of a drunk marriage is what both partners are subconsciously deeply attracted to (even though mentally they hate it)
As someone who lost 5 years to an alcoholic, caller #1 doesn’t have a damn clue. The stress of living with an alcoholic no doubt contributed to his wife’s health decline. It certainly did for me. It was me or him at the end, and he was never picking us over booze, so I picked me.
@@ebrennie I think that’s unfair that you say he doesn’t have a damn clue. He’s obviously calling Dr Deloney for a reason. He’s gets the sense that something isn’t working. Not even sobriety is working.
In the 12 steps they teach you to make amends. That’s why Dr Deloney told him to go to AA. That’s the path forward.
Fibro is generally trauma induced. Js
She is burned out. Traumatized by his addictions. And he has the audacity yo blame her and is looking for permission to call it quits.
What a jerk.
Someone needs to share with him how exhausting it is to deal with an alcoholic to where he understands and accepts what he’s caused. I don’t hear that he’s doing that. He wants to ignore the damage he’s done and expect everyone else to ignore and move on without repairing that first. The alcoholic during their time of drinking chooses to check out and sabotage any relationship they’re in. The anxiety, fear and mental stress of dealing with an alcoholic is exhausting.
💯 it is beyond draining… and traumatizing.
He will never get it. He is so narcissistic there’s no way. I’m sure he found many ways to blame his wife for him being an alcoholic❤❤
She deals with his 5 years of alcoholism and he admits that when his mental health is bad she steps up, but on days she isn’t feeling the best and can’t give 100% he feels like he’s doing everything and is resentful of that?
My guy, dealing with an alcoholic a is nowhere near the same as supporting someone with CFS/fibromyalgia. YOU vowed ‘in sickness and in health’ and she’s the one upholding her end of that vow. Just because you can’t physically see the thing causing pain, it doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Just because you have felt tired before, it doesn’t mean you understand CFS. Honestly, if you’re resentful of supporting your spouse when they are sick, the best thing you can do for her is divorce her and let someone who does understand come into her life.
God forbid she ever ends up with something life threatening.
Agreed 💯 %.
He is so selfish.
You are correct, dealing with someone who has alcoholism, is nowhere near as bad as dealing with someone who has fibromyalgia/cfs. He clearly was a functional drunk, cause he kept his job and still paid all the bills. As much as it sucks dealing with a drunk he still fulfilled his husband roles. She on the other hand cannot perform any of her wifely duties. The biggest being she can’t give him children. He needs to get up and run, especially considering there are no kids.
@@dr.d3011 wow. Wtf? Imagine writing this down and posting it to the internet publicly in 2024.
@@covidfeverdream yeah imagine.
@@dr.d3011 You're probably just a troll, however I am going to point out that she's kept a job the whole time, the exact same job as the caller. She probably doesn't do her "wifely duties" (as in be physically and emotionally intimate with him) because he is horrible to be around and isn't self-aware. She probably doesn't love him anymore because 5 years of dealing with an alcoholic kills people emotionally/mentally/physically. She should just divorce the caller.
Many recovering alcoholics are so self righteous. They’re in your face with their recovery, after years of bad behavior. ie…this caller.
I think they might have arrested development. Like the last time my brother was sober he was 14. So now that he's 27 and sober - he still thinks soberly like his last known identified self of 14. He's in the body of a 27 year old but his experience and conscious mind are only 14. He cannot functionally interrupt a 27 year old world or life or responsibilities with any accuracy. He needs his support group from AA and NA with counselors to help him through the growing pains as he attempts to function as a 27 year old man - like society expects. It's painful to watch but I'm proud of him
Alcoholism is a SELFISH disease. He’s not drinking anymore but the selfishness is still there. More recovery is needed.
@@projectfev2190💯 agree with this! So happy your brother is in recovery!!🙏🏻❤️
The audacity of that first caller. She carried everyone emotionally while you were a drunk and it took a toll. Now she has needs, and "how dare she". 😡
Agreed. He can’t hear it, either. He has one friend?? Seems like other people don’t like him either.
Geez😵💫 calm down,,that sure hit a nerve.!
Maybe you need to deal with why?
Typical reaction from an alcoholic or recovered alcoholic.
He may be white knuckling his sobriety, and now that he is needed to step up to the plate for his wife, he can't do it and afraid of relapse.
What if she had cancer? Would you feel the same?
The main issue is that "fibromyalgia" and "chronic fatigue" are nonspecific clinical terms for conditions that physicians are too lazy to do a proper root-cause diagnosis for, so lots of people use them as cover to be lazy. It's surprisingly common. This guy's wife needs to get second and third opinions on the underlying cause, but it's not completely unfair for this guy to think what he's thinking, because PLENTY of people do it.
@@haploid2kThe problem in America is, healthcare is very expensive and it can take years to receive the proper diagnosis and treatment if you ever even get it figured out. There is very little support for the working class because they say you make too much for help and you can quickly become bankrupt if things don’t get figured out promptly. The average American can’t afford a $400 dollar extra expense for the month.
I cannot stand stories like this. That poor woman had to put up with ur mental disease and now you cant pull through for her? How does this make sense?
He’s a typical addict. Destructive and self absorbed.
I don't think you were listening, she's not even trying and is likely FAKING
I don't believe her either because I knew someone with fibro and let me tell you, she put put in actual effort and actually TRIED
Those with real disabilities will actually put in the effort, whereas someone who's faking won't and will use it as a CRUTCH
Again, I knew someone with this problem and I KNOW what I'm talking about!
A real disabled person doesn't want anyone feeling sorry for them, they keep trying and trying and trying until they succeed, in case you forgot about Forrest Gump who got out of those leg braces simply because HE KEPT TRYING
Sometimes a real disabled person will have to do things differently, and that's to be EXPECTED, because they ACTUALLY TRY
@@lili.h1813I don't think you get it, he says he's been sober for a while, so I don't think you're listening
His wife uses her fake medical condition as a crutch to not participate in ANYTHING.... and oh yeah, I don't believe her either because I knew someone with that disease and they ACTUALLY TRIED by putting forth an HONEST EFFORT
A real disabled person will actually try because they don't want no one feeling sorry for them
Those with real disabilities will find clever ways to do things differently and still get the job done, and I know what I'm talking about because I KNEW someone with fibro
Now look at those who lived back in Old Testament days and every single person with a real ailment or disability actually tried to get to the water so they could be healed if they were the first one in when the water was stirred up by an Angel
They put forth an effort and got themselves there, all but one who had no one to help him down to the water and then Jesus healed him
Those with real disabilities Will desperately be trying to get things done, even if they must do them DIFFERENTLY
I don't think this woman has a thing wrong with her, IDON'T believe her either, she's I think she's FAKINGg, and I think she's a total HYPOCHONDRIAC who finds excuses to fake stuff for attention and to get people to wait on her hand and foot, I've KNOWN these kinds of people
Sometimes those with real disabilities have a tendency to magnify their condition to be worse than it really is, but you don't want to enable them by waiting on them hand and foot, which is what this man is doing
If I was the man in his shoes given his situation, this broad would be given the ultimatum, she either participates in daily activities and does her part in the household, or she don't eat!
I think this woman's cuckoo for reasons I pointed out here
Please learn to listen and absorb actual info before rattling off at the mouth, because you clearly weren't listening
Remember, as soon as your mouth opens, your ears slam shut, when it should be the OTHER way around
Omg. If nothing else should remind women to put their health first above all… it should be listening to this call.
No kidding, he has anxiety, but she has fibromyalgia that anxiety/depression is only one of the symptoms... he resents her for being sick. She needs to dump him.
@donaldjohnson-ow3kqyes for them it is. They also think women need more reminders to be self involved😂😂😂
On the transgender friend, this was great advice. Don't be afraid to ask someone who is transitioning what would mean a lot to them, how you can support them, and what they want.
I think you also have to advocate for yourself, just as the doctor said. Let them know that you are worried that you were going to get some of the transition wrong, and that you are never intending to be malicious. Ask for grace.
If you have religious or personal objections to your friend's transitioning, I would discuss that with someone else.
It's okay to have discomfort. It's okay to feel how you feel about things. But it's also important to realize that you can really wound people by the feeling that you have to speak, "the truth in love."
Finally, if you have objections, and you can't fathom supporting someone who is transitioning, let them know and bow out. Let them make their new family.
@@lucindabreeding support them by buying some baphomet merch for them and maybe try to supply them some pills, because whatever the doc prescribes is not gonna be enough
Amen sister!!!
Caller #1- Her medical conditions are not the same as his former alcoholism. She can’t just quit having autoimmune illnesses. He has somehow placed himself on a huge “I’m better than you” pedestal that he absolutely doesn’t deserve.
Actually, if she would manager her stress better there is a high likelihood that she would become asymptomatic.
@@MrWarren1991 possibly, but it doesn’t sound like she’s getting much support.
@@MrWarren1991and diet too.
How can she reduce her stress if he isn't helping the peace🤷♀️@@MrWarren1991
@@MrWarren1991 you say cut the stress, like just stop going to work and making money to survive? 🙄
So caller #1 spends however many years addicted to alcohol, dealing with anxiety, admits his wife steps up, and when she has bad days with her CFS/fibro, he resents her and thinks she's not giving 100%? How much more can she give? Also, it sounds as if he doesn't understand CFS/fibro. I didn't until I got sick. It's real, and it's debilitating. He says it's her "trump card" and she "claims" - he doesn't believe her.
She also still works
Yeah, this one triggered me as I have fibro. She's not pulling a trump card. She can't control that she is sick.
He was with her when he wasn’t sober. This makes sense. He didn’t pick her to be with her with the right mindset. He feels like he has changed and wants to change everything.
I had a 30 year friend ship I never needed even a quarter from her we had good times shared memories became a Godmother to our family as soon as my sister who was also her best friend n started becoming more professional in her education n happy in her marriage our friend started doing weird stuff I asked her for the 1st favor in 30 years not $ n she said no n stop bothering me .I was in shock even in tears cause I needed this favor n no it wasn't illegal .
@@girl38rockify That moment when you realize that you didn't really have a friend!!!!
Fibromyalgia is almost always linked to CPTSD. She is trying to recover from what he put her through when he was drinking. She will probably get better when she gets away from him.
fibro isn't almost always linked to CPTSD! It can be hereditary too. Mine is. It can appear after stressful situations, accidents and also childhood trauma.
💯💯💯💯💯💯
Not Genetics, prior medical history, her anxiety and depression, the fact she is a woman(sorry but it is one of the main risk factors), or if the pain is in her legs/lower back being sedentary can cause that.
Post pregnancy as well
@Hedgina-z2y everything is CPTSD so everything makes you more likely to get Fibro. Its a claim that relies on confirmation bias and loose definitions, so that it cant be challenged.
I don’t believe that he doesn’t have a girlfriend “reinvigorating” him. But that aside, he doesn’t sound like he believes his wife’s illnesses are real. She wants him to help carry her the way she carried him when he was drunk. This is too stressful for him and he wants to blame her because, in his mind, as long as he’s white knuckle sober, he’s pulling his weight.
That long pause… he has someone out there.
This is what I was getting from this too
He wanted permission for leaving on the basis of she brow beats him. He’s got someone but wanted to sound holy
@@min_tea_ Exactly. I noticed that pause as well. John wouldn't call him out on that however.
@@sharonjoan9997 What exactly does he mean by "brow beating" him. That is a very subjective expression.
Caller 1: it's funny how when you dislike a person, you dont even like their voice. John was very kind to him.
The first caller is a perfect example of a man who thinks he's being punished when he has to lift a finger for his wife and return an ounce of the same energy she devotes to him. Many such cases.
I hear alot of words, but he aint saying isht.
The gym isn't therapy.
It’s good for hormonal regulation, stress, and body health. It’s not a cure-all, to be sure. This is why whenever people lose weight or change their body in the gym, their personal problems still lay at their doorstep. It solves symptoms for many people, not the root issue.
And going to work doesn’t make you a man. This guy is missing compassion. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is trying to convince delony that he’s miserable w his wife and should leave
The way the caller talks…I’m deeply flawed, I’m blessed and blah blah…he’s a master manipulator.
and quoting poets - Ugh!
Yup, almost like a sober alcoholic.
He has had the same 30 days of "sobriety" for the past 2.5 years LOL. AA is about emotional sobriety, not putting down the bottle, which is "only a symptom of the problem". This guy is in denial of just how mentally unwell he is.
Not to mention how honed in he is to his selfishness. His selfishness is his universe.
As a recovering alcoholic, you hate to see a sober villain 😂
Agreed!!! I certainly stopped blaming others when I started recovering. Sad.
He's a dry drunk and selfish AF
Over the past couple decades I noticed the people I come across that mention they kicked an addiction are so unempathetic towards others still in the grip. Maybe it's a fckd up way of keeping their distance but the most recent person said they considered becoming an addiction counselor😳 like please no don't 😬
Not always but it seems like many who deal with addiction play the victim. Getting sober doesn’t make that go away.
First caller.. I hope she makes her way on her own. No one deserves to be looked down upon in their relationship.
Women who have fibromyalgia and cfs are in many cases in that state from chronic abuse and trauma. The fact that he admits to getting sober two years ago means she was living in hell for five years and now he wants her to pretend she didn’t. I hope she gets rid of him, she’ll be miraculously cured 🙄
First caller really thinks providing financially but being an alcoholic for 5+ years means he was an equal partner?! And one year into him being clean suddenly she’s not “an equal partner”?! Dear men, providing financially on its own is not sufficient for a fulfilling relationship. It’s the bare minimum, and not even that if she is working too. We welcome you to evolve with us and actually step up as equal partners.
I feel terrible for whoever would be your partner. You would resent him simply because he's a man.
To the caller: FYI: drinking damages the body and when you stop symptoms like anxiety and depression can pop up as a result. I would look into a Functional MD to do testing to find out if the booze depleted nutrients (esp B vitamins, magnesium etc). Also, heal up your gut and look into eating clean. It will help your body heal from the alcoholic damage. The Functional MD will help with your wife's symptoms too. Fibro is now being considered to be an infection. God bless~
This! Great suggestions ❤
Can you please site your source on fibromyalgia being an infection. As someone who has it and has been treated by one of the leading doctors, this is not information that has been shared with me. Thank you
💯
@@melisa8256 I think there are some theories that fibro can be related to reactivated epstien barr virus.
The first caller is the biggest hypocrite in the world. His wife put up with his nonsense addiction for years, and he has to go through one hard season “idk if I can do this”
What a weak man.
Self obsessed and selfish like all addicts. They should have got divorced long before they came to resent each other this much.
And it's not even like she's a complete crippled dependent. She is working and contributing in some ways. But maybe she is hard on him because she's taking out her resentment of those times too so - Respect is vital
Her body has clearly had enough too. There are now studies with connections between autoimmune diseases and mental health. I wonder when her condition began.
@@Mysterious_Moonnot only depression but childhood traumas, as do alcohol. That might have been the commonality that bonded the relationship
Clearly he was a functional drunk, cause he was still the bread winner for the family. Also his condition actually ended. Hers never will. He should divorce, pay his alimony for the next few years and just be done.
I've been living with fibro and all that it involves since I was 47 and I'm 62 now. It's very painful and there are days I don't get up. I'm on disability and I'm blessed to have full support from my family. There is no way to get well from Fibro and chronic pain and chronic fatigue.
Speak for yourself... there is a community of healed
There is hope in the Carnivore diet. You've got to be 10 miles past desperate by now, try it for 60 days. You will never go back.
So let me get this straight, HE is an:
1. Alcoholic
2. Workaholic
3. Gym rat
But SHE is the problem?
If you put the word “Former” infront of the word alcoholic, he actually is quite the catch. And yes she’s the problem
@@dr.d3011 😂😂😂
@@dr.d3011Actually no he isn't. I applaud him for stopping drinking alcohol and focusing on his health but he is extremely selfish and lacking in wisdom and maturity. He is not husband material. He has much personal growth to accomplish. And, as Dr John said, he has not dealt with the issues that led him to become an alcoholic. A successful marriage requires a mindset of 'what is best for the cherished marriage relationship that exists between us' and not 'what is best for me'. He is failing as a husband and he is failing himself.
@@niram4107 he is failing himself for staying in the marriage. There is so much better out there for him. Especially now that he has stopped drinking. Sometimes what is best for the marriage is for it to end. Which is the obvious case here, you are calling him selfish but what about her. How come she’s not ending it? She has little to nothing to offer him. But he is her food shelter and survival and she knows she’s not doing better than him. She’s just staying there to stay there and is not considering what his needs are.
When a woman ends a marriage cause it’s what is best for her, everyone applauds cause she is so “empowered” but when a man does it he is just being selfish. Miss me with that double standard crap.
If she was healthy and working and supporting yourself but he “wasn’t feeling it” nobody would care. The only reason you care about him leaving the marriage is cause you fear for the safety and wellbeing of his wife. If the shoe was on the other food you wouldn’t lose one minute of sleep if he was left homeless and destitute
He certainly has not accepted how difficult her medical condition is! She feels like he forgets how hard her life is because of it, And she has to remind him of her limitations. Unless you are in her shoes you really can't understand. And it hurts her that he can't accept that she is in pain
Fibromalaga is brutal. I had a neighbor with it. She deteriorated to not being able to walk and in constant pain.
The way men think they're putting energy into the relationship by literally just going to work is insane to me. No, you getting paid doesn't make you being an alcoholic easier for your friggin wife emotionally! "I don't wanna hear complaining when I'm the one who has to stand in the gap financially" DUDE YOUR WIFE IS CHRONICALLY ILL AND YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A SOCIOPATH
Not only that, but you going to work is you being a grown man doing what a man is supposed to do. Marriage can’t always be an equal partnership because both partners have to be willing to cover for each other when the other is weaker. She did that for him, but he isn’t willing to do it for her.
Meanwhile his wife also works! The selfishness of most men is so profound and so pure!
@@elyse443 misandrist woman is proud to denigrate an entire gender. Can't comprehend how pathetic she is. News at 11!
This is why men never wanna share any emotions or feelings with women. Because you all judge so harshly so quickly without understanding how difficult it is to be a caretaker for someone with health issues.
So sick of man babies. I have always been the breadwinner. Wah wah wah…. Ugh
Reality of the story for caller 1: spouse, don’t ever get injured or damaged for your spouse. Because, when you are damaged through his/her bad behavior and he/she gets better- you are done for.
The first caller is a DRY drunk, because he stopped drinking, but he didn't deal with it in a healthy manner. So, essentially, he still has the personality of an alcoholic, but the only difference is that he doesn't drink.
Perfectly said!
Caller 1 is still the same selfish addict that he was before, be just so happens to not drink. He doesn't want an equal marriage, because that would mean sometimes taking care of his wife. That is something that as an addict, he doesn't know how to do. He is so used to people catering to him that he is incapable of understanding that he might have to take care of someone else.
Dry drunk
My husband does everything for me & us since I became severely disabled after 36 surgeries, he never complains only supports me because he loves me unconditionally. Prior to this I did everything for our home, kids & I worked, so he knows who I am without chronic illness, he married me with a diagnosis. This guy is horrible poor wife.
Her symptoms are likely a cause of the stress / trauma partially from him
Bingo
Funny, her medical conditions have a deep correlation to abuse and/or neglect... nervous system breakdown
Read...The Body Keeps the Score
Yeah I know someone who got fibromyalgia from a traumatic event. It doesn’t just come out of nowhere.
I have never met an alcoholic who did not have anxiety or depression. Not one. I feel bad for his wife.
This man sounds righteous, needy and selfish. What he’s asking is permission to upgrade his wife. He wanted Delony to say “now that you have your life together, you deserve a healthy wife. You should be happy”. But, clever dr said “oh smart sir, you don’t have it together and you must look deeper”
Fibromyalgia will continue to flare up when HER body doesn’t feel safe. This guy is not helping his marriage at all nor help her. He has no empathy.
This man definitely needs a program that involves like-minded individuals. Once he deals with him. He will be able to see we help each other. It's compassionate instead of being resentful. Resentment is the first step in a breakdown.
He’s lying. He has someone else. He’s looking to get out of the marriage and not feel guilty about it. I’ve been through this so I get it. I don’t believe he’s being completely honest I mean, I could say a lot of things, but I want to be respectful to Dr Deloney and his show page here. But I just feel that this man is incredibly awful as a human. I’m a recovering alcoholic. Another recovering alcoholic isn’t gonna tell me nothing that we don’t already know. And this guy does not want anything to do with this woman. Now that his wife is going in a positive track he wants to keep it going and he wants to be with a woman who is healthy so to speed and who isn’t gonna hold him back in his mind. This is all the stuff he’s made up in his head about this woman. There’s someone else. And now that he’s sober and got his stuff together this person see someone from the pastor is someone new. And he wants permission like Dr. Deloney said, to go forward and do what he wants to do without feeling guilty.
I didn’t hear remorse or taking his share of the blame for the state of his marriage, at all. He’s made up his mind considering the judgement and anger he has towards his wife. That’s shows he is likely not in a good place in his recovery. He’s still the victim and lacks taking responsibility for the havoc he rained on the people around him.
Addictions are expensive and though he has been the breadwinner, he has possibly been the biggest optional expense. Cigarettes are my family's biggest expense other than rent and the breadwinner in my house is the only one who uses them. It's more than our internet, groceries, cat care, or monthly gas budget.
@@raydonovan9013 I know from later in the call, she's working, but he said at the beginning that he provides most of the income. I work 2-3 days a week because I'm going blind I contribute to our emergency account and fun money. I'm not the breadwinner though.
Set this poor woman free so she can find a REAL man... not a whiny baby boy.
Please, set her free!!
He was an alcoholic and she stayed through that. Now that he is in recovery, she's not living up to HIS standards?!?! What is happening?? Sir.... He is selfish. He is weak. He is blind. You need to give her the same grace she gave you.
I wish Dr John would have suggested the first guy go to some of her doctor appointments. That alone he could learn a lot about how real it is
My husband came to a few of my therapy appointments, he never said anything, because the things I talked about in front of him were so heartbreaking.
Those who struggle with chronic illness hang by their fingernails for so long maintaining , before the nails break one at a time and there is nothing to hold on with. I got disability at 57. Since then I’ve consistently gone down hill. I’m 63. My body continues to decline. Not by choice. I move as much as I can. My husband is very understanding but also is disabled. We hire out most lawn care. I’ve done PT for strengthening, sometimes I can’t even participate. I have Ehler Danlos syndrome, connective tissue disorder. All joints are very painful. On multiple (non-narcotic) meds. I’m doing my best.
Chronic pain is so debilitating and so impossible to explain in a way that people understand. Either you meant in sickness or in health, or you didn't. But dragging your ill wife through that is another layer of unfair, on top of the history of alcoholism. I hope she gets the help she deserves.
Yeah. He truly doesn’t understand how much pain she is. He needs to do the heavy lifting now. It’s his turn.
You can will yourself out of addiction. You can’t will yourself out of chronic pain. And it sounds like that’s what he is expecting her to do.
Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue are no joke! My girlfriend has ME/CFS for close to 15 years (she's 33). Bedridden for 6.5 years and I'm her carer. No tolerance to light, sound and touch most of the time. There are few illnesses that can bury you alive! It's a hell I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It needs more awareness. Any frustration on the side of the spouse/carer is justified and needs to be acknowledged but so is the fact that the "trump card" phenomenon most of the times is them fighting for their life by protecting their already diminished health. It can always get worse and it's hard to stand up for sourself with an "invisible" illness.
This caller doesn't take his Vows "in sickness and in health" to heart.
I feel bad for his wife. He is choosing ignorance.
Thank you for supporting your partner. Autoimmune diseases are so complex and it takes a long time to figure out what it is. It's all consuming and it's so important to have a supportive partner.
I would rather be alone than with someone that's blaming me for my disease.
The caller needs to educate himself on Fibromyalgia. The trump card comment was uncalled for. He also needs to learn to handle his own addiction(s). But kudos for him for stopping cold turkey. Now the harder work begins.
Living with an alcoholic is horrendous. I lived with mine for 14 years (when I was younger and stupid - should have left way earlier) and it screwed me up permanently for life as I have OCD I cannot shift. Here, the stress of dealing with *him* wheb dronking likely kick started her illness. Both Fibro and ME can be triggered by stress. Being on the receiving end of an alcoholic is *really* stressful.
I think he's focusing his disappointment in sober life on his wife and she's just tired. She's tired through her illness and years of coping and she's probably punishing him or just needs him to hurry up and get better. He thought that stopping alcohol would solve all his problems and make his life perfect. People are not perfect. They need to rethink their relationship
I could be wrong, comes across as angry, resentful dude.
First dude wants out but won't admit it. The constant sighing is a tell.
You're saying that she needs to work with her counselor to get well. She has a physical illness that has no treatment and no cure. She's going to a job that requires her to be "on". Of course she is exhausted. Of course she esrns less than he does. Shes functioning through pain and brain fog and masking to appear normal. What does he want her to do? Is he mad because hes not getting enough sex? Is he mad because she's not doing all of the domestic work? Notice he wont say what it is that he wants her to do?
Totally agree. She can't change this, she can get some help to ease some of the symtoms but she will not get rid of this physical illness if it'sfibromyalgi or ME, highly unlikely unfortunatly. She hopes for him to step up finally when he's sober because she understands that she shouldn't work in this way and maybe will not be able to work this hard in the future with her condition. She view them as a team and he doesn't.
Totally agree. I actually got angry listening to this. John was wayyyy too nice to this guy
He didn't get more specific about what she's not doing than "everything".. "I do everything" but then he's like- oh ya no, she works too. Like wtf guy
Idk
When Delony asked if he could be honest and then asked him if he has someone emotionally and he said “no.” I could hear the pitch change. I think he does. Idk
Of course he does! I heard it too!!!
It’s sad because he’s going to leave her. I don’t believe him when he says there’s no one else.
I agree
Dry drunk and selfish. I truly question fidelity.
The customers I’ve been given?? Dude, sales isn’t sitting back and waiting. I did it as a woman for 30 years and FOUND my opportunities. He doesn’t want to do the work. He isn’t sober. He just stopped drinking.
Those of us with chronic pain and fatigue would LOVE to be able to function like a normal human being. It is not a "trump card" when we are already stretched beyond our limits and in a vicious cycle of having to catch up on things, rest, catch up on things, rest... It is not the same tired as not getting enough sleep the night before. Its soul-sucking exhaustion, that is the best way I can describe it. It's like a video game, where other people are playing in normal mode, and you're stuck on hard mode. You have to ration the little energy you get to make it through the day. Some days, even sitting up feels like it takes all you have. You really have no idea how bad it is until you experience it. It's hard enough to deal with on its own, then add in someone who doesn't believe you and/or resents you over something you can't control, and it makes it even worse.
Yes! I was finally diagnose this year with lupus and so many people, including doctors, have so little regard for how hard daily functioning can be.
Not only that, but lack of support increases stress and worsens or triggers autoimmune disease.
How can he be putting in all the work when he works all day, then works out…what is he doing for her???😂
Caller #1 is just full of empty shallow platitudes. He doesn’t believe the crippling condition his wife has is real.
So many red flags, so many. He has someone else, is blaming her- the pause said it all when John asked him.
He doesn't want to be in this marriage. He's stopped drinking and thinks he's superman, and looking for a reason to dump her coz he's got his new life now.....
My mom had fibromyalgia. If you’re the wife listening. LEAVE HIM!!! oh my god I remember my mom on the floor not being able to move from the pain. Turns out she had 17lbs tumour in her uterus. This man is a joke and should die alone. I’m so disgusted I don’t know what to do with myself.
Caller 1 sounds like he realises that he was unwell, but he sees himself as a fighter and doesnt see his wife in the same light
He's just not into her
Yep
So the first caller thinks because he provided financially while being an alcoholic that he pulled his weight, as if this all that matters. Now his wife is sick (no doubt the stress and worry he put her through for years is a factor to her issues) and he sees her as a burden. He’s seeing someone for sure, or has that hope. The hypocrisy and self righteousness is intense.
I did the same thing.. supported my partner through his alcoholism while dealing with perimenopause and he left me cause I got fat and he no longer was attracted to me. Now I'll tell any woman I can to put themselves first
I'm so sorry he treated you like that ... I tell all women that will listen the same. So many women I know have had similar experiences.
Sending hugs sister.
The fact that the first caller dismissed all the years his wife supported him while being an alcoholic and doesn’t even think that on top of her illness, the exhaustion from doing so it’s probably affecting her too and she is in a breaking point now. It’s disgusting! To be so self centred and egocentric that the thought of pouring a bit more into the relationship makes him a victim in his head it’s just incredibly narcissistic and he deserves to be on his own, he doesn’t deserves his wife and I hope she leaves and give herself all the grace and love she deserves! the audacity of this man being so ungrateful!
“She claims that….” 😐
Came to the comments to see the wrath waiting for the 1st caller. Did not disappoint.
This is a story of an alcohol that is still unhappy but can’t figure out where it’s coming from. Yes it’s hard to have a spouse with an illness but that’s not where his unhappiness is coming from. He can’t handle it, but I’m sure that’s not all he’s having issues with being able to handle. Needs AA meetings for sure. Also get involved in your wife’s health. Go to appointments with her and ask questions and try to understand better.
Humility is needed. AA and AL- ANON can let us see humility demonstrated. Painful stuff.
When does he help her when he works all day (he’s a workaholic),then goes to the gym?
I do not like the way Dr. John phrased this: "if she's trying to make him pay penance". She's ill. She has an illness just as he does with his addiction, anxiety and depression. I would bet big money that he has said that he can't do things because of at least one of those things. He already said he's a spirit of defiance or whatever, and I'm sure he hasn't been a joy to live with. Dr. John doesn't sound like he understands CFS/fibro. He should educate himself.
Agreed!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
This is not the main issue with this man. She disrespected him and showed him no grace when he was having a rough time in sales. Now she wants grace because she is ill and he remembers how she treated him.
@@Trackpad12 She supported him through years of drinking, has supported him through anxiety and depression. I suspect her side of this story would be really different. He said things like "her trump card" and "she claims". I'd guess this isn't the first rough time in sales he's had.
He sounded really clueless
Does he ever think about how the stress of his addiction, selfishness and lack of empathy contribute to her illness. It sounds like she is not being fully seen or valued by him. He only likes her when he gets to be the victim and she’s the care giver but the moment it’s not about him and she needs support he’s unhappy. Imagine having a chronic illness and your partner doesn’t believe you or even care. She should leave and focus on her health.
The audacity of the first caller. You won’t acknowledge that she picked up the slack for 5 years, only that she says she did.
First dude is what we call a “cara e tabla!” Where I’m from.
As a person with chronic health issues, people like this dude are my worst nightmare, cuz these type of folks make us feel invalidated, gaslit, and worthless just cuz we have health issues that we have no control of. And unfortunately, people like him feel superior just cuz he finally quit his addiction and had no major consequences (yet), yet traded his main addiction for a “healthier” one. I feel for his poor wife. I can imagine what she’s been through and still going through. And most likely, her fibro/cfs were triggered by the stress his alcoholism caused her throughout the years.
The first caller is extremely mentally unhealthy, yet is completely unaware of it. He is probably extremely hard to be married to and wants to leave to dump his baggage on the next woman.
I’m not familiar with Fibromyalgia… but aren’t flare ups like… VERY very painful? In your joints etc?
This is clearly a classic “man” who doesn’t want a wife. He wants a mom to take care of him, and when it’s time to step up as a partner and look out for each other, he reverts back into that child looking for mom to take care of him, instead of him caring for his wife/partner once in awhile.
DIVORCE HIM. This dude will never change, and it’ll only get worse.
Fibro is an autoimmune disease that affects the nerves. Like all AI, there are good days and bad days. I have a different AI but I understand fibro is debilitatinglit painful.
NEVER! EVER! Change. She should have gotten away from him years ago.
Yes I have it and it is incredibly painful, burning and stabbing pain.
I'm currently in a flare and I assure you it's very painful. Nerve pain is quite debilitating.
Very painful, but that's not all of it. Yes, there is muscle/nerve pain (think of how you feel when you are about to come down with the flu, that's the mild-ish version for me), but there is also massive fatigue, muscle tremors, dizziness, stomach problems ... The list goes on. I have fainted from pure exhaustion before. It's really hard to describe that bone-deep weakness.
The stress of dealing with an alcoholic could have sparked her autoimmune diseases. Being with a self absorbed man who believes he's no. 1 and thinks she should put him first and that level of advise could have made her ill.
Please please leave her because ultimately she'll be better for it. She can have someone who loves her as an equal with mutuality. He can't because he wants more.
He's vile. Be vile elsewhere.
My existence is synonymous with defiance? I think that may be why his wife is sick.
I did 75 Hard once. About 50 days in, I forgot to read all 10 pages, and I had to start over. I made it another 50 days before I gave up. So only one mistake in 100 days, and it was a relatively minor one. What I learned is that this program is very self focused, and it will give you all kinds of grit and determination, but it won’t make you a better spouse, a better parent, a better friend. It is very self focused. I know I said that once, but I think it bears repeating. This guy is good at taking care of himself, being self motivated, etc. he does not understand the relationship stuff.
Fibromyalgia, and some of those other things that he listed are fall into the category of auto immune diseases, I think. People with auto immune diseases often have some kind of trauma in life, and their body has learned to hate itself. His wife is probably starving for a relationship while her husband goes and does two 45-minute workouts non-consecutively every day.
He probably gave her all the medical conditions she has from the stress putting up with him. He is a hypocrite to talk about God, when he lacks empathy and sympathy.
Fibromyalgia is a serious diagnosis I spoke with a young lady who said it took 15 years to get that diagnosis of fibromyalgia. It’s a condition where people experience muscle pain, aches and humid weather makes the symptoms worse. I don’t think there is a cure yet for that.
When she was supporting him through his sobriety journey, was he concerned about his marriage being an equal partnership?
Exactly!
🎯🎯🎯
Honestly the first callers wife is likely like this BECAUSE of what she had to deal with with his alcoholism. It is the most soul crushing hell to have to endure and that trauma is lifelong...
I had to stop listening to the first guy. Marriage is not 50/50, because sometimes the other person doesn’t have 50% to give. For example, when she has a major flare-up she may have 0% to give, but it really sounds like she works (bringing home better pay than him, fragile male ego) and he just doesn’t want to do housework. Boo-hoo. Grow a pair, either tell her you’re done or suck it up and do some dang dishes.
Sad, fibro is no joke. I guess cause you cant see it you dont believe it
Sam has clearly been listening to John, way to go. Keep supporting your friend.
If everybody had a friend like Sam, the world would be a better place. 💖
Thank you John for addressing all these difficult topics, they really help those of us who struggle in our relationships and lives.
Good grief....
The first caller.... The alcoholic....
Yeah- he is gross.
He caused stress in her life and is a hot mess of a human...isolating, drinking, a "workaholic" .... and NOW she is dealing with a chronic health condition and he is ready to bail because he has to carry some weight while she struggles to find solutions or support for her actual disease???
He CHOSE drinking.
She can't CHOOSE an autoimmune disease.
I hope she finds real support because this isn't it my guy.
Ugh.
He is *the* walking and talking statistic that men leave and become resentful of partners that become sick.
Through sickness and health my a$$
Matt, you’re doing a great job. An important step in your recovery is to make amends. It’s hard because we have to experience shame in order to make amends. And with shame comes resentment and anger. But you can do it and it will free you from being in this wheel. Sobriety is freedom. And there is light at the end of the tunnel.
But he's not even in the tunnel
@@jennyjunemoon-walker8739
He’s 2 years sober. Yes he is.
@@jennyjunemoon-walker8739 He is though. He’s 2 years sober.
@@jennyjunemoon-walker8739 Hes 2 years sober. Hes in the tunnel
Yikes. He doesn’t hear himself. He’s recklessly unbalanced and he doesn’t know it. I don’t believe he’s telling the whole truth.