We Don’t Agree on How Often to Have Sex
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- čas přidán 7. 03. 2024
- We Don’t Agree on How Often to Have Sex
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This is so true.
When I shifted from “I NEED sex” to “I’m so attracted to you,” or “you are so sexy,” or “I want you,” it changed things drastically.
Right on the money! I think men and women are constantly demanding things from their partners rather than showing interest in them.
Agree
I need sex ❤
And I NEED for you to understand this 😂
Yes !!!
I had this problem with my childerns father( ironic right) and I did explain both my physical needs as well as how it was matched to my continuing attraction and affection for him yet it always became a fight
The pressure and maternal thing is so spot on!! Women need to feel connection and desired daily not just at sex.
Yes!!!
Here is a mirror:
"The pressure and paternal thing is so spot on!!
It's so gross when women NEED to feel connection and NEED to feel desired daily"
@@markdatheist9179 hahaha I feel sorry for your girl if you have one if you think she's gross.
@@markdatheist9179Yet so many men want to be called ”daddy”.
Women need to understand that the constant nagging, complaining, whining, farting, mood swings, unappreciative attitude, and not putting out when we ask for it, is NOT ATTRACTIVE. Women want men to desire them all the time, but become absolute shitbags as soon as they get a ring. What exactly is there to desire when we could litterally walk outside the house that was paid for with our blood and sweat, send one text message and get everything we want with little to no effort? Be better not bitter!
“It’s hard to be sexual when you’re trying to not die” just made me burst into tears 😭
Better than using sex as a form of escapism.
True@@redflag4255
“It’s hard to be sexual when you’re trying to not die”. Yes! The anxiety thing is huge!
Ya, like you're barely hanging on and your partner wants sex? Trigger!!
Not die?
@rlchick5774 When anxiety is high, your body and mind are in fight or flight mode. Meaning your entire system thinks you are in danger so it has no desire for sex.
@@stephennixon6600Then that issue should be checked by a doctor. Your wifely duties depend on it. Same as if a man had the same issue. FIX YOUR ISSUE FOR YOUR SPOUSE BECAUSE YOU LOVE THEM.
you know what a lot of people from other countries who move to america are shocked about the anxiety commercials and wonder why so many americans have anxiety now i'm very curious as to why so many americans have it .....because to the rest of the world its not normal
That couple was very sweet. They seem open to taking the advice to heart. I wish them many years of happiness.
She sounds like she’s fat and has hormone imbalance. Probably on hormonal birth control too. The pill makes western women terrible.
I hope they have an absolutely HORRIBLE and mutually abusive relationship...and one that the kids really get a front row seat for(you need an audience, right)?
Or...yeah, years of happiness...that's probably a bit healthier.
This relationship is done. She is not interested anymore.
Doesn’t mean she can’t be again. Y’all treat marriage like it’s never fixable.
If she’s not interested it’s because he stopped meeting her needs. That’s WHY people are interested in each other.
Doesn’t mean she can’t be again. Y’all treat marriage like it’s never fixable.
If she’s not interested it’s because he stopped meeting her needs. That’s WHY people are interested in each other.
Therapist meets with the husband who says, "we BARELY have sex, it's down to like 2, maybe 3 times a week." Therapist meets with the wife who says, "we have SO MUCH sex, it's like 2, even as much as 3 times a week!"
Always made me chuckle.
@Fortefortunajuvat what?
@FortefortunajuvatDon't be weird.
That's hilarious 😂
@FortefortunajuvatThis is a message for you, and anyone who likes your comment. Work on your reading comprehension. There's no excuse to be this stupid.
This is pretty much exactly a scene that went on in Annie Hall decades ago. It was emblematic van and it’s emblematic now.
This is such a good convo, sex should be something that someone does together, not a service that one is providing for the other. When sex becomes something the husband starts seeing as a snack from a vending machine, the wife feels like a server at a restaurant instead of an active participant.
Great.
Comparison!👍
Yes, we women want pleasure too!
❤
@@carmela1899
The difference is- a woman can have sex anytime she wants it.
So why is society advocating for monogamy? I feel like the vending machine has only one snack and husband can’t have, one server in the restaurant and not interested in serving the husband despite the only allowed participant-to serve and love .
Mind blowing way of thinking with the “WANT” vs “need”. This changes my entire perspective
This man WANTS sex from his wife. That’s not to be confused with need. If wanting more sex is important to your spouse; why is it so hard to oblige?
To paraphrase… everything women want is considered a NEED. Everything a man wants is considered a WANT and optional.
@@JDAfrica Wow. I never considered this concept. It’s been happening right in front of our faces & the majority of men think it’s normal or justified. How sad. Just because the woman is considered the weaker sex; doesn’t mean her desires and/or expectations are more valid.
THANK YOU for asking about hormonal birth control. This is a huge and often overlooked factor that affects so so many women.
Yes! This and SSRI’s
@@msmiami212literally..
My antidepressants/mood stabilizers ruin my sex drive
Excactly. Doctors dont really inform woman what the huge downsides hormonal birth control has.
I’m not sure why pple post comments like this.. is the idea that pregnancy, and childbirth, and caring for several high needs humans for 18+ thought to produce more libido??
@@whitneyw.7919 You can have a high libido and not sleep around 🤯
I’m surprised that no one has mentioned that this could possibly be a self esteem issue. If you don’t like the way your body looks, or if your partner never tells you that you’re beautiful, you can shy away from sex
Exactly. And men have a habit of telling even a skinny woman she's fat in an effort to shame or control her in arguments.
In fact the guy explained at the beginning that her love language is "words of affirmation" and clarifies that he does not even know what that means (and doesn't seem to have any interest in learning what it is)
Very true, I worry that it's boring for my boyfriend because a lot of whatever we do (without specifying 😂) is things where I can hide my body easiest so it might look like I'm half assing it when I just don't want him to see me as I look to have man boobs but I'm a girl 🤦🏻
@@Mmmmkaaay No they don't. You refer to exceptions. In reality the big majority of men like curves more than skinny. They just don't like excessive fat. The vast majority of men in a couple don't chastise their women if they gain 2-3, 5 or even 10 kilos, in fact often they don't even notice it - they start noticing it when it gets more than 15 kilos difference and that is when they may suggest a diet and a bit of exercise for their women's own good (provided themselves also do the same - plenty of men also get fat and overall don't care). The constant reference to imaginary boyfriends that "fat shame" normal weight women is just that : a figment of imagination. Almost no boyfriend, let alone husband does that and when a woman insists her "boyfriend" indeed told her so, then her "boyfriend" is her boyfriend only in her imagination - the guy is already having 2-3 other side chicks and just wants to move on, hence he grasps any opportunity to come on top and leave head up.
That’s true because a woman doesn’t have to be attractive for a man to have sex with her
John is right about that whole "love languages" concept. It was originally designed to help with communication and avoid misunderstandings. Now, it's almost adopted as an inflexible, inborne personality trait and tool of manipulation. "My love language is _____, therefore, you have to ____."
That book has literally fostered more divorces among couples I knew when it came out - than any 1 source I've ever seen.
@brightpage1020 Gary Chapman, who originally wrote the book, has no real experience or qualifications as a therapist or counselor. He just claimed it was his "insight." I especially hate his idea that all people just fit neatly into one of five categories with no real subtlety or nuance in there. And yes, it did originally help couples to see signs of showing love that were being overlooked. But human relationships are not that simple, and people are much more flexible and adaptive to each other than the book suggests. "Love languages" are not inborn, nor are they entire personality traits.
@@EmpressMermaidagree depending on the situation I could be any of the catagories
Literally happened in my marriage. The “love languages“ became transactional rather than reciprocal. “Do this otherwise I won’t do that.” I questioned it from the beginning. But I went with it because our relationship was already having problems and the “love languages” did not help.
@@EmpressMermaid so important to think critically and consider our sources. Some very well-meaning people don't always have the responsibility to be ethical or have any authority - like the potential threat of losing a counseling license - when sharing the wisdom of their own limited experience. I think people can take a suggestion and make it like Holy grail requirement... And that's where forgiveness was lost, understanding was forgotten, human decency and perspective on how well they were really doing was completely usurped. I mean comparatively around the world, if you can afford to divorce in the U.S. uhm... That might be a reason not to. 🤣
Her sex drive is being killed by anxiety and it sounds like she has never explored her sexuality. He needs to shift his mental attitude and language to "I want to please you, I want to enjoy you". She feels he needs sex, which is adding Anxiety to the bedroom, which is the last place it should ever be.
He does need it. Do women need emotional connection, support and intimacy?
Its not his fault!
@@joshtukno one NEEDs sex, it a luxury if you are in a healthy relationship. Learn to self please.
Yeah in this situation he probably needs to do these things to have any hope of improving things but for god sakes that’s a lot to ask of of loving commited husband who simply wants to be inherently wanted by his wife.
letting her know that you will be patient with her and understanding is important when she has anxiety about it. Pressuring like that just makes it worse@@joshtuk
These callers are soooooo mature, wise and grounded! I love that they both come from such an open and honest heart to grow and be emotionally healthy personally and in their marriage!
What!??? Did we hear two different conversations? LOL. This woman not giving up the kitty and expecting her man to get on his knees and beg every night? Hellllnah!!! I'd pass up so hard on this bimbo her head be spinnin after her skull hit the bus stop sign LOL
These marriages last!!! Working together
You know they're not "a couple ," right?
Whenever I hear calls like this, I want to crawl through the screen and yell “Get your hormones checked!” to the low libido partner. My husband and I walked this, and I had no idea it was a result of me being on hormonal birth control that was hijacking my sex drive. The thought of being intimate usually made me sick, and I had no idea why because I loved this guy more than anything in the world. I concluded I just wasn’t a very sexual person, and thank goodness he stuck by me because I know it was very hard on him. When I stopped the pill, my libido “woke up” immediately…it was crazy. Sex is no longer a chore on my to do list; it’s a natural desire that I WANT to experience with him. The desire to make love with your spouse regularly is a sign you’re healthy. If hormones are out of whack, all the advice, negotiation, and romance is pointless because you have factors that are directly working against that.
THIS exactly!! John did ask her later on in the call if she was on birth control and she said "yes but it's non-hormonal", which would be the copper IUD (which is bs imo, I don't see how any birth control wouldn't mess with hormones.) I was on birth control since I was 12, never had much of an interest or desire in sex. I'm 27 now and I quit birth control a few years ago, I feel like it took almost a year to get out of my system fully, and now my libido is insane! Definitely hormone checks and birth control need to be considered.
Awesome testimony
Yep so many people don't understand what birth control does to a marriage. It's horrible.
@@cryptopoxI’m fairly sure the copper iud works as a spermicide rather than a hormone effector in order to prevent pregnancy. However, women’s hormones are affected by a lot of other things, even the food we eat, so hormones could still be out of balance despite using a non hormonal birth control method.
YEAH I'm on the birth control pretty sure this is a contributing but definitely can't get off that right now.
This conversation hit home. They are a year in there marriage and smart to be figuring this out now. I've been married for 37 years and we're now trying to figure it out. We are finally now talking about what we each want. Much respect for your show.
Huge respect for you and your partner for starting to talk about it after 37 years.👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻Most people would just get a divorce.
After 27 yrs of marriage I’m finally opening up to my spouse to be more active.
@@baileysbutton8124 almost 16 years here. About to be 39 years old. Wanna fix it before I turn 40. Of BC for 3 months and no change yet.
I've never thought of the need vs. want struggle before quite like that! As a mom of 3 kids, this is SPOT ON. I am needed ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, and often have to neglect my own needs in favour of meeting my kids or households needs. The last thing I want to do at the end of a long day, especially when I may or may not have been able to take a shower, feed myself a good meal (basic needs) is provide for someone else's needs.
This put into words a conflict that can often be difficult to express. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I'm with you. What I NEED is to be left alone 😂
@@thenailtherapist519 😂😂😂😂
So If he really desired you (as apposed to need), you would want it as well? I think the need vs want thing is important here, but I think it's a symptom. Men start with desire/want, get rejected, then express that it's important to them which = need at that point, which makes things less sexy, but it didn't start that way. The rejection is usually the inciting force. I'm not saying women need to be any particular way. People can do what they want, but that includes a man saying, "This sucks. I'm out."
@@detectivekimble6932 interesting point. 🤔 I think the season you're in as a couple is incredibly influential in all of this. For instance, newlyweds vs. a season with several young kids vs. after kids leave the house. Just for your added perspective, YES, moms of small kids need to be affirmed in being still attractive to their husbands (arguably much more so, since our bodies were the ones who went through the massive shift of childbearing), AND one of the sexiest things is to be respected and given the space we need when we need it. If I've had little goblins literally crawling all over me all day, chances are, I'm not going to feel sexy and will perceive any sexual pressure as more whining, which I've already been listening to all day. Giving moms space alone definitely increases a husbands chances in the bedroom, because it gives us space and time to remember we're actual humans with physical needs and prowess. 🤷🏻♀️
And that's so weird because I'm a mom of four and the first thing I want at the end of the day is some anxiety relief and some good sex to relax my body and put me in a dreamy place. You might need to get your hormones checked. Mama
John's intervention absolutely brilliant. His distinction between I need you (maternal energy) and I want you(eros energy), soooo insightful
I need you isn't maternal, it's an entreaty to the maternal inside her. And she doesn't want to be your mom.
It's not brilliant. You're just a fucking idiot that you think it's smart. Lol.
I think it’s deflecting. The husband never said that he needed sex; he wants it. A man doesn’t have the luxury of not doing his husbandly duties (work, bills, protection); why does she have the luxury of not sharing intimacy a little more? People need to grow up and realize that just because you feel something; doesn’t mean it’s true or accurate.
@@FaithFallRepentGraceRepeat great point. Appreciated. How about exiting the duties paradigm when it comes to intimacy?
@@benascg-ll7sq Great idea. That would be my approach but you know that would lead to World War 6 in your household. Men don’t have enough vacation days to outlast a woman in that regard. 😄 It’s best to try to explain that there is pleasure for both of us in sex and we both deserve it more often in some weeks and less in others. We need to be considerate to each other’s needs in that area.
@@FaithFallRepentGraceRepeat i had to scroll way too far until i saw a comment like this. at the end of the day its semantics whether you call it a need or a want. if it doesn't happen to a satisfactory frequency, the relationship will be in jeopardy. each individual needs to determine their own tolerance to that, and how important it is. if it is important, find someone else that will fulfill those needs/wants.
Conversations like this make me really appreciate my wife
Naah man... It's also because you're not like that.
Other men appreciate her as well. I assure you!
@@trumpisgod2535 You do know not every woman cheats, right? Lol Most people in marriages stay together for life
@@avaliausd.Most marriages end in divorce
@@auemmjeean unmarried relationship is MUCH more likely to end, so if your goal is to avoid heartbreak, stay single
To take care of a need is definitely maternal. To want or desire is a whole other side of the coin. So good!!!!
I was in this exact situation. The advice he gave here is spot on. Since I’ve put more focus on enjoying just hanging out with my wife without the expectation of sex things work out a lot better. It got to the point where I was driving myself crazy because it’s just like he said as soon as you get that release your brain starts that same cycle over and over.i had to let go of my expectations without being upset about it and let sex come naturally. Once I seen I was capable of that like I said things got better and I was connecting more with my wife because I wasn’t withdrawing just because I knew we might not have sex that night or whatever period of time.
I started noticing all of the ways that my wife showed me love that I was placing a lesser value on than sex. As far as what do I focus on instead of sex I focus on fitness, time and attention for my kids, and my hobbies. I still need to do better in the friend and finding purpose in work part but I just want to say that I’m glad I’m not alone because this couples situation is literally exactly what I experienced.
thank you for sharing and validating what Dr. John taught, as your story serves to validate women like me who are long stressed out by a man who has long failed to listen enough to get outside of selfishness.
sex in a marriage is still important though did you have this discussion before marriage ?
You didnt state if you ended up getting sex from it? Or did you just accepted the fact that it was no longer in the menu?
I kind of understand what you're saying. I think I have a similar path with my partner. I honestly feel nobody really absolutely "needs" sex. I think that's just made up by lustful people. It's like a meth addict saying he "needs" meth. If you can just make up a normal cycle of sex together that works for the both of you without using the word "need" and make it feel natural. With communication and maturity. You start seeing all this talk about "needing" sex are just people who haven't matured yet. They can be of all ages. There's so many other more important things in life than a penis penetrating a vagina. By the way, I have a lot of contact with my partner without sex. A lot of affection and physical touch. Might help to avoid them saying they don't feel loved if you're a lower frequency sex person.
@@Canxervero and that's your opinion but in my belief sex is spiritual and created for man and woman its a physical manifestation of man and woman coming together i think american culture has made something that used to be sacred so special into something that's seen as disgusting and unimportant what a shame it may not be a need for you but within a marriage it is important for most people there's nothing wrong with people physically connecting with their loved one but hey not everyone's marriage is a one size fits all so of course do what's best for YOU
Detachment Strategy. Need vs desire. Pressure. Learn to want her. This has been FANTASTIC!!!
This was horrible advice. He already wanted her. He never said that he needed more sex.
@@FaithFallRepentGraceRepeat there is a ton to unpack here. On both sides of the fence. She is going to have to open up and be vulnerable and willing to play and be close and he's going to have to not "need" for her to be his "release". It's too much pressure and if she has sexual trust baggage that has not been dealt with, his need for wilder or more adventurous sex and need for her to engage and be "in it" with him are great things but the spirit and delivery could create a stress response in her that makes her run. I appreciated everything Dr. John brought to the conversation. Having lived some of these things as a youngster, it resonated with me.
@@worldviewwellness7227 That’s his wife. Where else is he supposed to get his needs met? It’s not like he said he wants it every night. C’mon. Her stress is her responsibility; not his. He’s being reasonable and stating what he wants. She is too wrapped up in how she feels & lets it get in the way of pleasing her husband. He can’t forgo husbandly duties because he doesn’t feel like it. People have to realize that just because you feel something; doesn’t make it accurate or true. Sometimes you have to man up and do what you don’t want to do for the betterment of the marriage; men do it all the time.
Horrible advice
@@FaithFallRepentGraceRepeat💯
Listen , I used to sound JUST like this woman. Didn’t come in with much sexual experience, low sex drive, not enthusiastic about sex, just not understanding what more he wanted from me.
I hit THIRTY and I flipped. I turned my entire life around in the gym. I gave myself permission to unlearn all that I did about sex and embrace my sexuality. Did a lot of healing work(didn’t realize how much my personal trauma related to how I showed up for my husband AND self sexually). Didn’t understand that brain health impacted my sex drive. There’s just so much to unpack here.
Now my sex drive and appetite is through the roof. Sex is so much better and I’m a bit grieved that I suffocated my marriage the way I did all those years prior. But John is spot on here. I had to learn what I WANTED and I had to advocate for me being DESIRED in my marriage as well as opposed to feeling “used” or seeing sex as a chore on both sides. That’s the current work but our sex life is very much active regardless of what we are working toward.
Same with me!
The fascinating dynamic is that a man who isn’t getting sex feels the exact same way. He feels he is being used for his hard work, and resources and not being appreciated or respected.
@@Dansyoungmost women also work full time and provide, plus do the vast majority of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and life management while not being respected or appreciated for all they do. On top of that, many men view sex as something predominantly for them, and do not ensure that their wives orgasm consistently (or at all).
I’ll be 29 this year and I only just had an orgasm during sex end of 2023 and one from JUST penetration like last month. It actually is true sex gets better for women as they get older
@@Dansyoung that’s why I said on both sides because that’s absolutely true and I so get that now. Let me also say I didn’t have any mature women guiding me in my sexuality. I had to figure out what being a wife was all about on my own and that is also playing a role in why women are struggling with their sexuality. There’s no “teaching” or preparation. I’m trying my best to put my pride aside to be that for other women now because had I known what I know now I would have avoided many pitfalls . Thankfully my marriage made it through, others aren’t that lucky 😕.
“Women never get asked what they like” that makes a lot of sense to me. I always ask who ever I’m with that question. Ik it’s a very vulnerable question for most women because they tend to over think and are scared of being judged. Ladies! If you read this. Men want to know what you like and they want to please you. Trust me on that. Now the response I get almost 90% of the time is shy giggling and “I don’t know”. It’s like they have never been asked and they’ve never considered what they want as even an option. Which is pretty sad. Ladies speak up. We want to know.
And that’s my two cents.
Huh? So they do get asked?
Every man I have been with has asked what I want. Men want to please and make woman happy. It makes them feel accomplished
Your advice sounds so crazy to me. Although you might understand something about yourself by wanting to please women, mainly the way you worded your whole exposition makes it sound like your a player.
It seems to me that this type of person shouldn’t be giving married couples advice. Have you ever been married for 20 plus years, through your wife giving birth, nursing babies, cleaning up barf for 6 people in a household for 3 days straight through flu season, or even empty nesting?
Sex is supposed to be between a man and a woman during marriage, anything else is fornication. It’s not the same type of relationship. AT ALL.
I am like Chatty Kathy in bed.
Does this feel good, what do you want me to try. I am open sexually. And it leads to a healthy sex and love life.
@@charliewhon6548 sounds like a virgin
I read the book "Come as you are". Best thing that's happened in our marriage for ages. 😊😊😊
If I don't want to it's anxiety/stress, exhausted, hormones or not feeling good about my body.
If my husband is genuinely sweet to me though, I will do anything he wants.
IF? There's always a condition for men to get anything even from the one's that love us and are completely committed to us... its sad. 😥
@@thatdudeKarimSo she should sleep with him when he's not sweet to her, when he's being mean or manipulative? Interesting take
@@thatdudeKarims
Yes cause why should he get Sex without being nice?
@@thatdudeKarimPlease Tell me you dont mean that serious cause being sad cause you need to BE nice in Order to get Sex IS worse
men also will feel it if you are not desire him.
The level of understanding and communication this couple has is very admirable, i wish them happiness and i wish to have a love filled healthy relationship one day.
They’re almost like a newly married couple.
@@oggyoggy1299new marry clapping all day stop 🤣
Dr. John is just amazing. He's so insightful and down to earth and just compassionate.
Man listen to him there is a huge differenc between NEEDING a woman ore WANTING a woman. Best advice ever!!! Thanks Dr. D. ❤
Women, please understand, a good man can get satisfied any time, day. Or place. With little to no effort or pushback. Don't bite the "hand" that feeds ya. Suck it instead! There are 1000 other woman, 1000 times more beautiful, and 1000 times better in bed in the same city at that very moment, waiting for a good man to come a long. Don't take our loyalty and generosity for granted.
The need vs desire is SPOT ON!
You hit the nail on the head w the “ need” turn off. I’ve never heard anyone break this down that way
Just love the straight forward explanation of “I need” to a mom figure to “I want” and “I desire” with a partner is everything ❤
Wow, you hit this so hard. The “need” being another thing someone needs from me in a maternal way, especially as an actual mother who’s burnt out. And my husband doesn’t have other things keeping him excited and filled with purpose.
I’m glad I got past your Ramsey connection because your insight is so good so often.
I’ve never seen such an ugly comment section on this show. This was a great call. It is a really common problem that CAN be improved/ resolved, and John gave amazing advice, especially around women wanting to be desired not needed. The points about medication and anxiety are also super valid. Stop acting like this woman is withholding sex from her husband in bad faith, and recognize that desire in a relationship reflects on both partners. I wish this couple the best 💕🔥🤗
You haven't been here long then my dear. 😂
@@CrystalM1917right, I haven’t noticed any negative comments on this one so far 😅.
I am assured that this couples problem is not going to resolve itself, he desires to have sex frequently and she doesn’t think about it
ugly is the word you chose for what is certainly harsh truth you don't want to face.
@@katiegarces the comment section can definitely be insensitive/mean sometimes, but I honestly didn’t notice any rude comments in this one 🤷🏻♀️ I thought the responses were mostly appreciative of Dr. John’s advice as well.
I’m invested in this couple! I’m married 12 years and would have loved this!
Oh my God, it was so nice to see that when my partner puts all of his worth on me and how much pressure that is, it really is a turn off. And I’m glad to hear that that pressure makes me normal and not a bad partner. I would often tell him I can’t be your absolutely everyhing. You need to get some needs met elsewhere through friends and family etc.
The needs he truly desires can only come from you. Not from family or friends.
so you giving him the green light to hook up with other people???? lol
Sex is not his only need. Humans have many non sexual needs that can be met by other people. I can’t be the only person that meets everything all the time. I’m talking about what Dr. John is talking about in this video and he doesn’t say anything about him having permission to get sexual needs met anywhere else. Did you watch the whole video? And as I said in my comment I said some needs met elsewhere.
@@cindydaley7461 Read the TITLE. you didn’t listen to the video properly. It’s all bout sex. He’s confused. He wants to respect her boundaries. But she doesn’t even want to do it with him. So he doesn’t feel wanted.
Starting At minute 11:05 is what I’m referring to. “Men live such boring unfulfilled lives…”.
“If only way you feel worthy is in the bedroom you put a monumental task on a single person which is you have to carry me”
That is way too much pressure for one person.
This is what literally killed my marriage. He would never show intimacy outside of the bedroom. He never kissed me, or showed his attraction to me. I wanted to be desired. It became a chore. I am now in a relationship with a man who desires me. He respects me and we can talk about anything.
In a marriage, both parties do not have the right to be selfish. That means husbands do things for wives they don't necessarily want to do in the moment, and wives, be willing to do things for your husband that you don't necessarily want to do in the moment. When you do those things based off of love and sacrifice, and not obligation, things begin to naturally change for the better over time.
sounds like you are justifying cohersing someone into having sex. like those people who say you cant rape your wife
being married doesnt mean losing the right to your body - both should say no to intimacy when they dont feel like it. dont coerce people into intimacy because 'married'
Nailed it 🔨
It's called acts of service, serving your partner 💯
@@deusexmachina9776don’t get married to someone you aren’t sexually compatible with, if you aren’t sexually servicing your partner, someone else will.
@@deusexmachina9776like they said, love and sacrifice.
Dr. John just blew my mind, and I wish I would have heard it 30yrs ago it would have most likely saved my marriage!!!! Me thinking my Ex-wife was broken all these years and I find out that it is the exact opposite.
You should apologize to her
Well if it took you this long to figure it out then that’s understandable as to why she’s your ex wife. Hopefully now you can apply this to any new relationship
@@elettramia6380 Hope my ex husband figures this out before he takes a third wife. He didn't figure it out with me or his second wife. No woman wants to be made to feel sex is something she "owes" to her husband regardless of how he treats her. His desire to screw something does not outrank her desire to not feel treated like a thing.
@@sakuraluvssasukexxx I have.
@@elettramia6380 you are mostly correct except for the fact I knew I was to blame and I know things are never one-sided, its more about the view point as to the percentage, if you will. you see if you rationalize it in your own mind that you are less to blame then, the other person has to do the changing, and truth be told I had as much if not more to change than her! I am a man and admit when I am wrong.
This video will help so many couples. As a woman, just listening to this makes me feel heard.
As a psychologist, I LOVED listening to this call! Dr. J, every part of this was inspired, fun, lighthearted, full-hearted, connection, therapy perfection!
10:58 This is brilliant. I'm so happy he said this, because many people do not take this into consideration.
Most of us, especially men, are living very dull lives and are grasping as straws to feel something
When I don't feel sexual towards my boyfriend it is usually because there is a deeper problem we need to resolve. I had a period of not being able to feel sexual towards him, but after I was able to talk out what was wrong, and we managed to figure out a way to spend more time together, and deepen our trust in each other on a psychological level, I as able to again.
Not trying to be mean, but the thing you need to resolve is that you're not married
If your boyfriend has an issue with you turning him down he can leave you. Married guys are stuck.
@@nilsalmgren4492 Maybe marriage is deeper than you don't always get what you want in the moment.
@@bradyoung1658 Marriage is mostly about not getting what you want and managing the problems created by others
@@nilsalmgren4492 Marriage is a glorious institution, the foundation of society and the vehicle that builds the generations. A man was created to take dominion, some small, some large, but he is take responsibility, his life yearns to hold something heavy, as Jordan Peterson puts it, "find the heaviest thing you can and carry it" . A woman comes along side a man, and refines his produce - food becomes a meal, a house becomes a home, seed becomes children. Children grow up under the umbrella of commitment and both a man and woman as role models. This produces a heavier load for the man, which he is designed to carry and the woman presses in more because a man on mission is what she ultimately desires. You have been sold a lie of what marriage and life is. You need to escape from both feminism and its counter reaction and see the truth
Having these conversations is so important, and Im really glad he brought up thay change of language from "needing" to "wanting". It not only changes your mindset, but also how this entire situation is framed. Great couple, great job!
Edit: This is just a thought to kinda came to me as I was listening, do others feel like it is their duty to have sex with their partners? And if so, how have you broken out of this mindset from it being a "duty" (which in turn can make it feel like a chore) to instead being something that you want to do because it brings you and your spouse closer together?
Edit 2: Some of the comment threads are absolutely heartbreaking to hear because people have come to look at modern day relationships as nothing more than an exchange of goods. There is no drive for actual authentic relationships from some people...Maybe this is just an online thing but this is really sad.
Not all people are lonely when they leave an abusive partner. The first night in my own home, I took my children (2) out for pizza and when we came home, I walked in and felt such relief because no one was there to yell at me or hurt me!! I gave my children a bath, read books and they went to bed. I sat down in my living room with a glass of wine, it was one of the best moments of my life. I could exhale 😊
I’m so happy for you
@@islandsicedtea Thank you! That’s very kind of you to say 🙏❤️❤️
Another Woman who Decided to Fleece Her Husband and as soon as she got divorced she will be a whore
Congratulations 🎉🥳❤💪
Yes, this is so true. I complained for years that I was not his mother. Marriage ended after 32 years, it was a nightmare. Men do not do this, do not make your wife your mom, ever!
You sound so proud of apparently emotionally abusing a man for decades. Wow.
I think she also needs to feel SAFE…
If shes already anxious about everything, the added stress of the frustration from her husband is not helping.
And with anxious attachment, she just wants to please him to keep him happy, thus feels bad when he’s not; but probably ALSO feels bad when she has sex while not being in the “mood”
They sound like they truly love each other tho, they do sound like best friends. 💗
I feel your words 💯👌
Absolutely!
They have a strong marriage because they are willing to look at the difficult issues and fix it!!!
She made him wait for sex for 4 years then within the 1st year of marriage she is avoiding sex .. damn . I'm impressed he didn't divorce her . He sounds a bit like a simp to me . I hope he gets it sorted out
Let’s not ignore that his feelings are very valid as well. He doesn’t understand why his wife is rejecting him, and she wasn’t giving him a straight answer.
This is all great advice. I’ve been happily married for 20 yrs but there have been plenty of bumps in the road.. learning how to best communicate w/one another…. Seasons of plenty & seasons of lack.. kids definitely put a kink in the physical intimacy piece for a while but it’s a temporary season. Learning how to honor each other’s boundaries & best serve one another is crucial. Your spouse wants to feel desired. There are many ways to convey this. And many things can disrupt libido including stress/anxiety especially for women. As well as hormonal changes. It takes time, patience & a lot of work but it’s worth it. This is what marriage is. You shouldn’t enter into it unless you’re ready to fight through all the struggles together. That’s real love. Not the easy, happy.. never requires effort..always feels great, never lets you down lie that some try to sell. That’s not reality. Kudos to this couple for being open & willing to work through this together.
Perfectly said. 22 years married here and it only got better for us because we learned all these hard lessons with each other through the years.
Now our marriage is beautiful!
This is the best video on the Internet. So much pain in previous relationships because of just lack of this knowledge. Wow. Years of pain 😭
I really like the difference between needing vs desiring.
Me too. I don't think it fixes anything though. What's the solution?
@@detectivekimble6932intimacy starts outside of the bedroom for women. He needs to let her know how he desires her. How he wants to please her.
Dr. John - thank you. Again. I appreciate your insight and your being honest with callers.
John deloney really is crazy good at that
Analizing, listening, reading through the lines, understanding, giving advice
Man this guy has a very similar perspective to one I've attained over the years. Really appreciative of you man amazing
When she says she's not on hormonal birth control I assume she means a copper IUD. Theres more research being done that suggests that it affects us more than previously thought. There's also a large number of women coming forward with complaints including low libido since insertion. I had mine removed after two months because I was experiencing negative side effects including anxiety that developed literally overnight and I had no life changes or a history of mental challenges/illnesses.
I had the copper iud for 4 month and it was the worse 4 months of my life. I gained 10lbs and before that I had been the same weight since I was 16. My periods got so heavy and painful, I would cry on the couch. It was ridiculous. That B/C should be banned.
I also had the copper iud for 18 months and it was the worst time of my life. I had so many side effects including constant bleeding, brain fog, low libido, and the list goes on. Even after I got it removed the pain each month was really bad and it was never like this before.
I had the copper iud for 5 years and my periods were horrific experiences every month. They’d last 2 weeks with the most painful cramping. I actually developed PMDD and I think it’s directly related to the IUD because I hate my period so much, it makes me hate life. But while I’m not on my period, I’m very calm and generally happy about my life.
@@wishfullycontent Yeah my IUD made me period heavier as well, I ended up having it removed after 4 years.
@@wishfullycontentbirth control is baned by God, should be banned public law.
Medication can play a huge roll as well. It's not always just the sex drive, but a whole slew of medication that inhibits your drive and/or ability to reach an orgasm. It's stressful to have relations with someone and you know you have extreme difficulty in reaching a successful outcome.
This is true! Antidepressants and blood pressure meds are huge contributors. And sex honestly isn’t terribly appealing to anyone who can’t reach orgasm.
Roll? Like food?
As a sex therapist, I just want to say “Yes!” Way to go John! I can’t tell you how often I have this same conversation with the couples in my office. Probably 90% of the people who come to me for sex therapy, come for desire discrepancies. One clarification: Emily Nagoski did not invent the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response, but bless her heart for bringing it into the public discourse. Janssen & Bancroft are researchers we can thank for this model. It is so important!!
Love your show! Thanks so much.
PS - Thank you for saying what you did about “Love Languages.” I don’t agree with the weight of importance that people place on that concept but when I say that, I often feel like I’ve put a bullet through a sacred cow! lol
This gives me hope that there is still goodness and there is still hope for healthy relationships in the modern world!
Such a great conversation. I loved and appreciated the honesty and the advice.
This was amazing Dr D !!! You have such a way of putting the pieces together.
DAMN!!!! That is not at all where I thought this conversation is headed…but I 100% agree! I hate that pressure and feeling, its a total turn off. Makes me wana have literally 0 sex.
This is a great conversation. 2 mature adults wanting to deal with an issue as adults.
honestly, thank you for this advice. this was so needed.
Great advice on this call Dr. John
Wow, it felt like your advice for him was directed straight at me. I definitely needed to hear this.
One of the things the doesn’t seem to be mentioned is the difference between having sex and making love. Big difference. It can be such a game changer for many women.
This was soooooo spot on
Low libido is also a very real physiological issue. Most likely, it’s too low or too high body fat or not being active or lifting heavy often enough. Also it’s fixed with food and exercise, sunlight 20 minutes a day, clean water and no alcohol.
for women it’s usually birth control and underlying health issues that nobody knows how to fix because women’s health was never a priority to figure out.
It could also be an autoimmune disease..
LOL what?
@@alaska49girl read and learn.
@@joylalime4725 which again can be mitigated with food, water, air, and movement.
I think this helped me realize why I tend to not want sex as often. I thought my mental block was hormones from birth control and having a baby. But after almost a year, it's still there. I think this hit a spot for me mentally
I am extremely blown away by the wisdom of this man Dr. John Deloney❤
As someone who also waited, and because i relate to the anxiety to “do things the right way” she might also feel pressured to perform in a certain way… that’s too dangerous for the nervous system 😣 she would just shoot down … it takes some time to trust that your partner is happy with just your presence and then start growing from there … a dance is beautiful ♥️ I also really thought there was something wrong with me, but now I feel a lot of desire and confident with what I’m learning and that’s called healing 🦋
This!
I love this video! A great job done by all parties. Thank you so much for being honest and sharing your relational challenges.
Love that u call out the 5 love languages book like that!! You’re not wrong!! Glad someone did
The part about need vs want & the maternal enrrgy just totally heloed me reframe and solve the dame issue with my partner. Thank you dr. john!
This is a great conversation Dr. John. Despite any religion, sex is often demonized and not talked about at all. Thus we should be asking “what are we doing wrong?”
What we are doing wrong is not having healthy conversations about sex. I was told the exact same things to keep me from having sex until I was married by religion, family, and society pressure.
These aren’t necessarily bad things, but sex was never talked about outside of its biological purpose. We need to start openly talking about sex, and not shaming people for healthy sexual activity. Especially in marriages.
SO NICE to hear a healthy couple on here..
What a great conversation! John has an ability to zone in on exactly what’s driving behavior. Deep connection and meaningful engagement outside of the bedroom has a tremendous impact on what happens inside the bedroom. Love this.
Exactly 💯
Thank you for mentioning Emily's book!! So good! Also, This couple is incredible! Good on you, Joel and Elizabeth! You both are doing so great work communication and loving each other and searching for answers from a community. Truly amazing
What's the name of the book?
@@ashleymatt6928 Come As You Are
Yes, which book?
Come As You Are
Really love love love the energetic approach. Sooooo true. ❤
Yep- after 25 years, now empty nesting, I feel like I have to “take one for the team” when I notice his “need” which takes away the desire I have for him.
If he didn't pay bills for a week or a month and referred to that as a "need" how would that make you feel?
@@dovakeen1179oh geeeezzzz! That’s like comparing a pea to the sun!!
Please talk to you're husband and not Jerome down the street. Jerome will cost you your whole life as you know it.
You sound boring AF
You sound so selfish and critical. God bless your husband for being able to maintain an erection.
Finally, both perspectives, not just one caller!
First video I’ve seen never seen or know nothing about this guy and I’m hooked I love it
added comment: An important part of any sexual relationship for men is to realize that the ultimate goal is to make your wife climax and not just yourself. Many men dont know that a high percentage of women cant climax by inter____ alone but require manual stimulation to get there. Once a man realizes that there is great relief. He no longer feels like a failure because she didnt go crazy during the sex act but now he can focuse on finishing the job. That is true even if he already climaxed himself.
Communication is critical to have a good sex life. Be willing to talk about it. For those people who are truely uncompatable in this area, sex is so important that the marriage veryh likely will not survive.
I'd add that most women find oral the best way to cum, and that if you can make her orgasm a couple times before starting intercourse, that makes an orgasm during intercourse a hundred times more likely. Men and women are kind of opposites when it comes to how long it takes to reach an orgasm. The more sex a man has had that day, the longer it will take to reach each subsequent orgasm (helpful if premature ejaculation is a concern). The more orgasms a woman has had, the quicker each one happens.
This comment right here 👏🏾 💯
👏👏👏👏👏 seriously 99% of men only care about getting themselves off and then instantly falling asleep. Then they wonder why women are like no thanks
Why do you assume Joel didn't try to do that?
How do I make my wife more comfortable just talking about it? She does not find it an attractive conversation. She not mean or rude about it but I can tell she very uncomfortable talking about it.
I'm a very successful marriage coach, and this guy is my new binge! ❤
You’re actually a bot
Man, this was better than I thought. Nice breakdown!
Kudos to both of them for being on the show and airing this topic. I hope things got sorted!!!!
Wow I really needed this, I have really checked myself and realized a lot of stuff about myself, I will be watching this channel for now on, wow so much great information ❤
Thank you. On behalf of all women, thank you for doing the work. It will give you an enormous payback at some point in life.
Thank you on behalf of this 25 year old women who is terrified of men
I wish more couples got on here, it's nice to get both sides of the story.
He’s so considerate. It makes me so sad to see that in others and wish my husband had a little bit of that in him
Maybe if you stopped criticizing him all the time, he could be
@@bonope5565oh yeah cause you just have insight directly into their relationship. stop making up stories.
Why don’t you tell him that lol
@@bonope5565what a COPE lmao
@@bonope5565it’s always the woman’s fault
She is a very honest , Sincere individual.
John this was really awesome.
He's really good at seeing things from both sides.
I'm screaming right now because it's like Dr. Deloney is talking directly to me😢
Are you a man or a woman? 🙂
OMG this is awesome and deep and totally what every couple needs to hear and understand and put into practice!! Wish my ex and I would've been taught this before our 29 yr marriage ended 5 yrs ago!
It’s all about perspective and like you said “what do you want” and “what feels good”. Go into it with the mid set of I want to please my partner and I want to have a mutually enjoyable experience. Anytime it turns transactional, it goes downhill fast.
Serious insight in this conversation.
I lack male friends. I go to church, have many positive interactions, thrive at my job, get along with all the men, but lack genuine friendship and it does spill over into the home and my marriage.
Is there a men’s fellowship group at your church? Maybe join that and their retreats
@@akaTheLaughingGirl that's good advice.
@@erikshankles6482 ❤️
+1. It has been said that one of the greatest miracles of Jesus was that he managed to become an adult man and still have 12 close friends.
Dr J is so smart . I also love that he is so easy to trust and down to earth . He even dresses chill . I think the wife may have some fears around sexual intimacy or even insecurities. Joel I bet if you start to back off or not “require” it she will come around . Start doing sexy things , work out , eat well, worship her , make her feel special , be kind and I am certain she will come around . Most women do😊
Sexiest thing in the world is a man that will do things without being asked to do them, such as, helping out with housework, small things that brighten her day like a sweet and/or sexy text that may not lead anywhere, you know like you said, make her feel special.
Yes, she's insecure because she was a Virgin but her husband wasn't.
What a wonderful brave couple to be going through this and sharing and effectively communicating their fears and desires to make their relationship better! Thank you and I pray the best for you! ❤❤❤
Sexual fawning (people pleasing) can be traumatic even with a long term partner or person you trust. Everytime a body says yes to a sexual encounter that it doesn’t really want we are creating body violations. You can be in the most loving relationship for years and have sexual trauma just from years of these violations adding up. Everytime our body says no but we say yes, there is a psychological cost!
Spot On
Bravo. So many people need to hear a conversation like this.
I loved this conversation! It was very good informative so thank you :)
This call saved marriages around the world
This was fantastic. I started this thinking it would be too triggering to finish. But it was so respectful and smart and really captured what this dynamic feels like in a helpful way. The one thing I wish he had mentioned was, when the man is "needy" with sex, there can be an underlying belief on the man's part that he is entitled to her body (and it can go the other way around of course, women can do this to men as well). That's obviously not the case with this couple; but it's a common problem in our culture and it would have been nice to have been mentioned. No one has that right on another's body, spouse or otherwise.
Being desired is a wonderful experience. Being needed is like, you're their binky to regulate their emotions. It isn't just unattractive; it's violating and traumatic and the stress permeates every inch of your life. What isn't acknowledged is that she's crying. This has clearly been a ton of stress on her, and has been very traumatic. When you're partner treats how often you put out as the barometer for their own self-worth like is the case here, it really messes you up. She might actually have a sex drive higher than him if he could redefine where he gets his self-worth and meaning in life. I have seen that happen, and women do not have lower sex drives than men. If he is busy doing things he's passionate about, and not thinking about sex, she'd be wanting sex more than him and literally the tables would be turned. I could guarantee it. I was so glad that the session ended with him recommending that because it was what I was thinking the whole time. If a husband is passionate about his work/hobbies/friends/being a great dad, ect., he is irresistible and she is insatiable. This counselor is absolutely FANTASTIC!!! I just found him today and I can't wait to listen more.