The "sex isn't everything" excuse in sexless marriages - a rant
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- čas přidán 2. 01. 2024
- Ok I admit I went on a few tangents with this one, picking up on a number of different themes. I wanted to address the common comment, when discussing sexless marriages, along the lines of "well sex isn't everything". I also venture into discussions of the nature of monogamy, commitment, infidelity out of need and out of desire, faithfulness, and differences between how men and women view these things. I explore ideas which I don't necessarily condone but they're useful to consider. (I've been divorced for over 7 years and don't have kids so when I speak about "my wife/children" it's in the hypothetical).
#sexlessmarriage #dating #relationships #sex #monogamy #adultery #affairs #cheating #marriedlife
I was in a sexless marriage for 14 years and it was killing me. When I would break down and beg him to talk to me about it and share my heart, he said "sex isn't _that_ big a deal." And THEN called me an animal due to my sex drive.
🤦🏻♀️
I left tears later and am remarried with the most mind blowing sex life with my husband!!! ❤
People, don't stay in a relationship if you are t getting the things you need and your feelings are minimized and made fun of. ❤
It’s really sad that he would call you “an animal “ for wanting intimacy . Sex is so important in a marriage / relationship. I am so happy for you that you found your (new) husband and that you are happy !
He either was hooking up with someone else or gay.
So one whore/animal found another...congrats. So much for "In Sickness and in health".
@@redesignedlife777 Or both.
I don't believe you.
Sex is almost everything! Without it, my tolerance for BS would be verrrryyy low😂 😂
As a married woman I strongly believe intimacy is extremely important in a relationship. You can do so much with other people. Lunch.dinner. shopping dancing. Eating. Etc etc but the only thing that is sacred between partners is intimacy. So how special is that!
I have a question. Why do people still have sex? Sex is very gross, nasty, messy, and disgusting! I don't see how sex is a good thing. Why don't humans just remove sex from this world? Women can still get pregnant without sex (there's a lot of ways women can get pregnant without sex including artificial insemination). Sex does cause a lot of problems, so the world might be a much better place without it.
Still don't change that sex is and can be important and just as important as intimacy.
@@ladybird491 I think the idea of sexual intercourse is immoral since it has caused so many problems for the human race. People have gotten diseases from sex, and sex has caused so many unwanted pregnancies. The human race would be much better off without sex, and the human race could start reproducing by using artificial insemination.
There has to be sex because it brings people closer together. If there isn't, then the cracks will only get bigger like a windscreen and eventually collapse. It's keeping a balance and maintaining that equilibrium
A simple thought from me to keep in mind is: if you can't get sex from your marriage where else are you meant to get it from? That simple idea makes sex absolutely crucial in a marriage as you can't get it from anywhere else and so it must be present in a relationship.
And if you're not getting sex from your marriage you're just friends / roommates which is NOT a marriage.
EXACTLY! You should not feel that you can fundamentally change your relationship and the other person just has to accept it. Forced celibacy is NOT an act of love.
Totally agree .
I was forced into celibacy and then I realized it was putting me in prison.
neither is forcing your partner into having sex with you - which is actually way worse. just separate if you clearly want different things in life
People saying that = Gaslighting. Yes, Exactly, and they are gaslighting while in a complete position of power like you said. Also, So much inauthenticity in society with people say inauthentic things when they think they're being observed...
This happens because the majority of women don't marry their first choice; they marry someone who is safe and will be a good provider, hoping that attraction will come later. When it doesn't, all of a sudden, it's cash and prizes as a reward for the woman breaking up the marriage.
That's why men should stay single and childfree!
This was very well said. Thanks for sharing
A lot of troubled water flows under the bridge of intimacy. Something my wife and I understood pretty much out of the gate and continue to understand almost 30 years later. Hard for anything to seem like it can't be walked and talked through when everyone's head is full of positive chemicals.
How did you make it for SEVEN years???? I am a woman--don't forget about us. There are plenty of straight relationships where the female half is the one unsatisfied. I've never had a partner who could keep up, and I've always had to be the one who put up with less sex than she would prefer. I call sex "marriage glue". You cannot have a deep connection with your partner without it. And esp as we age, there will be physical challenges. But--you were in your 20s! Feeling your partner deeply desires you is crucial. And sex isn't just penetration. Sex should be happening all day. From telling your partner how good his butt looks in those jeans, to loads of hugs and kiss and other "non-sexual" touches. It's how you connect physically with one another. Not just a wham bam thank you ma'am before bed. And definitely not NOTHING! You don't need a roommate. Again, proud of you getting out, but I would never have waited 7 years!! I am so sorry!
In the video I refer to, I explained the low self esteem issues that led to me thinking that I was an ugly and horrible person and that was the best I could get. It worked for my parents to keep me quiet and not object to their behaviour and my ex-wife continued it.
My 1st relationship in my early 20s was sexless. He always had an excuse. Corn addiction was one of them. We were together for 3 years. I’m so happy that I made the decision to split. We were incompatible in more ways than just the intimacy.
You get to decide what's important to you. If you want sex and your partner doesn't - leave. Its really that simple. Also don't marry because your partner gets to decide on a whim if they don't want sex anymore, but the financial commitment is set in stone...
I think it all comes down to respect, genuine care, and being able to handle the truth. I wouldn't be able to be without intimacy if my husband one day were paralyzed and unable, it doesn't mean that I wouldn't care for him or abandon him but I would make it clear from the start if that happened that I might have an intimate partner still. I wouldn't want him to go sexless either if one day I would be paralyzed.
Each and every one of us has value, even when we aren't able to provide something at a particular moment, at the same time we should be realistic and not selfish. Yes, some folks devoted themselves completely to the other and didn't step out from the marriage even when sex wasn't longer the option, but those people are an exception.
Besides, I want to have a much deeper connection with my partner than just sexual, so we can share many exciting moments and create lifelong memories together.
I must disagree on one point though, men who go on the side and then come back home to their wives aren't always doing that because they aren't getting their sexual needs met at home, they are doing it simply for variety to cure their boredom perhaps. To have a so-called "adventure" because they see it more exciting and convenient to see a new person than put an effort into enhancing sexual relationships with their own wives.
Lmaoooo I am French but never been in a 5 à 7 but why not. It amuses me to see how other countries think French have affairs
I don't know the prevalence of this phenomenon but it did make its way into common parlance, which is why I used the term.
Good points. On the last point, I think motivations vary from person to person. There is the in-build desire for variety, and I'm sure that's enough for some to step out and have those affairs. But sometimes the efforts to keep a sex life alive are done by one-side only, and it requires 2 people trying to make it work.
@@busybecomingmyself Agreed.
So you're justifying having an affair. Got it. You're a worthles slut.
I remember one time I tried to initiate with my wife after probably a month of no sex. She moved away and said;“all you want is sex.” I knew it was over then. This is year 9 of my sexless marriage and I’m a mere shell of my former self.
Why do you stay?
@@busybecomingmyself My wife and I own a medium-sized business that we've spent 8 years building, so our professional and financial lives are highly intertwined. By leaving, it would be like dropping a nuke on our lives. The emotional and financial chaos that would ensue is almost incomprehensible and would be a highly complex divorce. I also think, as men, that we have an innate behavior to shield others from harm so we absorb a lot of the pain within ourselves. Aside from our db, we get along very well and genuinely enjoy each others' company. This makes leaving very emotionally conflicting. I take it day by day, but my apathy is continuing to grow...
Have you talked about an open relationship? Marital vows are for her to have first dibs, not the exclusive right to make you celibate against your will.
Either way, I'd get on the track of maximising your physical fitness and appearance. Jealousy can be a good motivator, and if not, someone else would appreciate you.
@@samuelm3766 you change happiness for money , I lost everything in my divorce but I am happy now
Not only that, but it always amazes me when a gf/wife will still conduct herself as though she's blinding the guy in her life with sex, as though he's going to be ok with it. If he doesnt have panem et circuses to distract him in his relationship... his threshold for her "cheese grater to the soul" level BS, is going to be VERY low and he will call her on it.
Then she wonders why they're in so many arguements. Which then seems to always turn into her using that as the reason for cutting him off, when it's a symptom of her already having done so.
Marriage by the blessing of the church is a sacred vow and yes it is much more to it than sex.
Then the " church" should stay with a frigid spouse.
I went from a relationship in my younger years of sex all the time to no sex at all in my mid 30s I’m used to not having sex now.
I hope that path gives you meaning and purpose. Each of us choose to continue on the path we are on.
In a somewhat similar position. Sex has been scarse over the past couple of years especially since 2 kids. Tiredness, stress, little time etc. etc. She knows that it's very important to me but it ends up 1 times a week if I keep hassling her about it, and then it starts with complains, jokes and sillyness. We have sex for 30 minutes and then we have to talk about stuff for an hour afterwards (so it takes up the entire free evening). + less and less is possible in the bedroom. She has 0 libido (she says) and when I touch her, her body just shivers and closes off. This is not what she wants but her body does it. She says it's because of the stress but that's about a year now and it's always been like that to be honest. I know the sexdrive drops for women after a kid or 2 and that it's more of a chore. I see no way out of it, when I talk about it it comes down to we can have vanilla sex twice a week but still it has to be with that completely turn-off forplay and we have to talk twice as much as the actual sex afterwards. And new things are shot down all the time with a ton of reasons. I don't think just her and me talking about it can actually fix it. Tips?
I've made videos answering this question.
You're doing the communication which is great. Now maximise your attractiveness in general terms. If you become the type of man many women would want, and you're disappearing to go to the gym on a regular basis, her instinctual jealousy will fire up, and that has been known to reignite things.
The more women desire you the more likely a particular woman is to desire you.
@@busybecomingmyself That's a very interesting thing. And I do agree on the gym, I workout at home but of course not the right equipment for the things I want to do. And before the relationship I used to workout 2/3 times a week for 1,5 hours. My own music, just dreaming away in fantasy worlds. It was kinda hard because I love staying at home, but it was also very fullfilling and mentally cleansing the every day stuff. So that's a great tip and she actually wants me to go outside, be amongst dudes (I have 0 friends, introvert-ish and a geek) and have that peace of mind again weekly. However what I am against and hear a lot on here is that I need to level up for the woman eventhough I haven't changed in the relationship, only a little. On the other side she has graded down, become quite more heavy, and less and less sex-wanting. I get defensive when I need to go to school and start working an extra job eventhough what I did was good enough back then. (this is getting long) On the woman side, women have a different way of attraction to men. Men just see boobs, ass, vag and it's naked for him (which means she's giving him that) and you're done. The dude is completely satisfied and wildly attracted to her. Women like mystery, so back when we didn't live together I was more mysterious we saw each other 2 times a week. That all is off the table because we've been living together for 7 years. She, and I think all women, are attracted to the idea of romance, mystery and the mood. Not the act itself or the body. Men are attracted to a naked female body and knowing sex follows. In short, I will always be attracted to my wife, however for me to kill my scarce spare time for my own hobby's to become mysterious again for her or do extra romance stuff. It doesn't sit right with me. Maybe I need to change and just comply and reprogram my DNA. Once you get to know me I'm not mysterious, I'm not a brooding tall dark and handsome vampire who flakes on women constantly. I'm just a guy who wants to do good, take care of his family, do his creative hobby and play his game, watch is movie a couple of times a week and make his wife happy. I'm boring as all hell in that department.
@@arbanalechordin4710 I think you already have valid avenues to explore. It may not feel like you right now but what you're doing right now isn't working for you and your wife, so why not try a change.
Give it 6 months of trying and see what happens.
Also one partner being fitter often, but not always, inspires the other to get in shape too.
Be the leader of positive change and growth, starting with yourself.
I am a woman with an incredibly high sex drive. However, after my first baby it went down to zero. I was nursing the baby on demand and getting very little sleep. I felt fat and unattractive due to the baby weight. My husband was so frustrated. Looking back, I wish he had been able to understand what I was going through. I desperately needed sleep and once he started helping out more with the baby and housework my sex drive returned and we went back to having hot sex almost daily.
if people keep bringing up the subject sex isnt everything why would they bring up the subject in the first place?
but the key ingredient is attraction is she she attracted more to woman than men?
so you're saying ppl who say that are abusive... ? I might agree with that
Well it's definitely showing a lack of empathy and is a sign of being a shitty partner, not caring for the other's needs. "Abusive" needs some active component to intentionally drag down another person.
Women who dont understand men.......so...women
Many/most, sure
Oh we understand you. It’s just that we despise that aspect of male nature. We know you can’t help it because you’re controlled by your hormones.
We are all deeply influenced by hormones. We ARE (partly) our hormones.
I don't think those words about being controlled by hormones would go down well if we were applying them to women with PMS.
@@busybecomingmyself yes, they are very strong
there is contraceptions and condoms and other medical advances in preventing pregnancy too
No adultery.
That would be ideal
Some women don’t care for sex. Especially after they have kids.
In those cases I believe the relationship should be renegotiated. Marriage vows don't mean enforcing celibacy on the other person. Exclusive rights are only good if those rights are exercised.
Most.
You cannot have sex from other women.
And you cannot have sex from me as well.
However you do need to be an active, committed and loving husband and father for the kids.
You need to function optimally whilst not getting your basic needs met.
The woman herself is fine.
Monogamy really should be explained as a "first dibs" agreement, rather than "permanent exclusive rights".
It was never intended to be used to make someone else celibate against their will.
and if the subject comes up alot about sex in sexless relationships then go to a doctor seek phycological help