I f***ed up and met my ex / Grieving lost love
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- čas přidán 28. 07. 2022
- Thanks to E for our time together and the lessons I learnt from that.
Thanks to Sylwia for allowing me to share our dance in my living room
Song: wicked game - Jessie Villa
Trauma bonding breaks your heart in the most painful ways.
Walking away from someone you love is the hardest most gut-wrenching thing ever. But I completely agree that you have to choose yourself, and leave the table when respect is no longer being served. I’ve been through the same thing with my ex-husband, and even after several years, I still love him and know that I always will. Like you, I know that doesn’t mean I will ever be in a relationship with him again. Thanks for sharing your story - it helps others to know that we’re not alone, in our grief over love lost.
If a man had this deep love for you could you tolerate it or would it repel you? I believe women are incapable of loving their spouse the way he loves her.
Chris, your videos are phenomenal. I've watched thousands of videos in the past few years and the way you talk about your experiences is honest and introspective. I'm female and I've watched many other men's channels and they simply don't have your insight. All the best to you ~ Chris
Wow, thank you! That's really nice to hear.
I completely agree !! Well said
I can hear how much you love her in your voice. Wishing you healing
A sincere and wise soul you are. Regardless of age, gender or relationship status, your videos present the listener with vital life lessons and love advice. There’s no way that anyone coming to this channel in good faith, can leave without a mind-opening nugget. Christ’s abundant blessings to you. New subscriber here.
Thank you for your kind words
Real love happens in stages over time and becomes self evident to each person without pressure. A real marriage requires that you both are looking in the same direction together - not looking at the other face to face. Emerson has some interesting essays to help people focus where focus should be.
Your very well spoken and articulate. Love your content man!
Thank you for those kind words. If there's ever a topic you'd like me to cover please feel free to ask.
@@busybecomingmyselfAppreciate you man.
I can relate so much because I was the same way as you described. Always wanted to save a damsel in distress because I was used to chaos from my own parents and family.
Now 45 and after my 7th meaningful relationship went to ashes. I took a step back and although I ofcourse want to find right person. One which doesn't need me saving them and one that doesn't need constant chaos to function.
I really got exosted both from relationships like that. Like the one you described in the video. Also had tragedies to go along with that. Both personal and family wise.
No I am left unsure weather to pursue any romantic relationships anymore because I feel drained emotionally and also don't even trust myself that I'm able to recognize healthy from unhealthy.
I'm working on myself a lot by studying psychology but the more I learn about narcissism and other personality traits that make relationships pretty much impossible, the more discouraged I get.
Wondering if you have any advice on how you were able to move on from situations like you described?
I'm the same way. Once I love someone it's difficult for me to not love them anymore. Despite the way they treated me. I tried with hate and resentment but that was very unhealthy and didn't work either. I mean, like you I'm able to live with the fact that I won't see or be in relationship with person lost. But after so many setbacks I don't feel my confident and cheerful self. Quite the opposite.
Like every other relationship that falls apart and I invest myself in them breaks another piece of my heart irreversibly. Like it doesn't heal anymore.
One of the best videos i have listened to. I absolutely resonate with this
Wow, this speaks volumes, Chris... Completely understandable. I always try to think of the " I shouldn't BEG for love, I shouldn't ASK for love, I shouldn't FIX love (especially since we're not the ones who have messed up in these situations), I shouldn't...I wanted to tell you how self-aware you actually are. I also still don't understand it fully consciously, but I guess it takes time. That subconscious part has to be repeated and repeated no matter how many times for us coming from the "situation of a broken home". Much love from Serbia. Good luck!
Our stories are so similar. It’s like everything you’ve described is my story too. I’m trying to reason things out and it’s difficult. Thank you so much for sharing. Thank you.
Thank you for being so vulnerable and trying to connect the continum of the past, present and future
Chris, you are so adorable, I’m going to sound very old school but this works every time. I think you’re on the right track in terms of setting up guiding principles for yourself. I think you just need to sit down and thoroughly examine your life’s guiding principles. Things such as integrity, deep value for self respect, excellence, dependability and so on. Once you determine what they are, then don’t let even yourself break those principles. They are your life’s anchor ⚓️. Be ruthless in ensuring that you honour yourself by keeping your anchor secure in place. No matter if it’s your mother, yourself or any other woman or man try to move that anchor. If anything goes against your principles, walk away from it.
Absolutely! It's been over a year since I made this video, and I got much better at filtering out the wrong women quickly. The one I'm with now is a very high quality woman who deeply respects me.
@@busybecomingmyselfI would love to marry a Polish a woman as they are loyal women and are family orientated. I am thinking of going Poland myself at some point. I will only go for someone where the feelings and attraction are reciprocated.
Great beautiful story and had to take time to say thank you. I find myself in a similar but deeper situtation wheras after almost 25 years of marriage and two beautiful young adult sons who are amazing, my wife decided she no longer wanted to be with me. It's been over a year and in short I find myself still loving her the same way you share, but a part of me has still always left the door open. Each day, the door closely a little bit more. It may fully close as it did with you, but I will always love her. Cheers ~ Rob
You're welcome. I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I hope you can be happy in the future.
Thank you for sharing this Story...so you came to know the difference between Emotion and this deep Feeling of Love...and out of this chaotic state emerged such a clear and wonderful state of inner Peace and Selflove...wow this sounds like there is already the Connection to the One true Beloved here....and there had been a deep and honest look on what to leave behind in order to make room for the Beloved....
I'm really appreciating your videos and narration of experience. In transactional analysis (psychotheraputic model), I learned that we are a jagged puzzle piece. It's natual that our jagged edge clips best into someone else with compatible jagged edges. A smooth, refined (mentally healthy) individual would not necessarily fit or even attract. I relate a lot to the rescuing syndrome you have defaulted to based on your childhood. Keep working on yourself, you're definitely on a better path. Don't fall prey to the modern philosophies of men regarding sleeping around to find joy, joy can only be found in one's self and once you are healthy and have found joy, the right woman will appear.
Thank you. I'm much happier in life now and have a wonderful girlfriend who loves me.
@@busybecomingmyself happy to hear that. 🙌🏼
What a beautiful and an honest man🌺
You are such a good man. You have a good heart. You may need to Love with your head first, it's an easier flow. God bless!
You're an awakened Divine Masculine. I bow to your journey. It shows the amount of spiritual work you've done on yourself. I pray we all level up in this process
Would that mean she is his karmic lesson that's triggered his awakening. He should let her go in love and gratitude and journey for his twin and manifest his happiest time line.
@@aqua6613 Yes
@@mrsthatcher9815 How is a tee shirt related to a spiritual work
Lol that lie and delusions about being twin flames... All as an explanation for living in a fantasy and experiencing trauma and allowing others (your twin flame lol) to further traumatize/disrespect/delusion you... And all that is fine because it's in the name of your 'twin flame'... Get real people.
She sound "dismissive avoident". Great in the beginning... but is frightened of vulnerability and expectation that comes with a relationship as it develops. The more you expected the relationship to grow... the more she felt the pressure. Her type are forever cursed with shallow relationships and friendships, because they cant handle the pressure, responsibility, and accountability that comes with relationships with humans.
They surround themselves with new aquaintances that have zero expectations for them. You were just another dude out of a 100 that had the same experience with her.
I believe so. I found some of my own avoidant tendencies when entering my current relationship. But in my case I saw rationally that I had a great woman who loves me and I stayed in that discomfort until my emotions caught up and realised that being committed isn't a threat.
Thank you for sharing this story. I understand this. 👍
"We are attracted to what we are used to" very true.
Wow.
The girl you speak of is me and you are my ex 😭 this was great. I can really relate. Thank you 💕
I hope you, and she, both find peace and healing
And I will share this with my son 🙏🏻
You are a very special human. Stop being so hard on yourself.
I try to make sure I give love and space to myself. There are people in the comments who want to put all the blame on me for not knowing better when I was blinded by love. But I do believe that it is good to learn from my mistakes. And that is part of that self love too.
You can't learn from mistakes you don't admit.
I honor your honesty and vulnerability.
Thank you for your genuine confessions, I can relate to same “program” and all of your videos are complete reflection of my life and my past experiences. I hope you all the best and I will continue to follow your Inner dialogues, beacuse all you have said was the words that live in me! Namaste! 🙏🏼🩷
Deep and poetic
Men should always stay focus & never loose the sight of their goals. Surrendering, giving up their lives/goals for the love is a bad idea especially for men beaceuse that's how they loose respect. Men bring women into their's life not the other way around.
She can’t receive love. She has deep wounds that need to be healed
I think you're right. She once said something along these lines. I just sincerely hope she gets the help she needs.
Thanks for sharing.
👏👏👏
Hi Chris, i find myself doing exactly the same, trying to save people.
Stop yourself from doing it, and ask yourself difficult and uncomfortable questions until you find out why you are tempted to do it.
We replay childhood learned behaviors not because we lived them but because we were trained to do so through trauma bonding.
Wow.. well said:
"Women will test you OR will disrespect you. Where you have to choose your love for her OR your self respect. And if you choose love for her, you will lose her respect and when you lose her respect you will lose her love and attention. She won’t see you as you chose love over yourself, she will see you as you can’t defend your own dignity. And she will think if you can’t even defend yourself, how can you defend her. "
I moved 1100 miles away from friends and family just to make sure I never accidentally run into her .
Moving 1000 miles away from my family was very healing for me. I didn't have to move away because of her but perhaps I would have moved on sooner if I didn't live so close to her.
@@busybecomingmyself no I have a great family, kind, loving, wonderful people. I moved back after 8 years alone , good to see my friends again. I still worry I might run into here , but my friends say none of them have seen her in years. I think she moved away hopefully.
I didn't mean to imply there was any problem with your family. Just that sometimes taking a break from difficult situations can be helpful.
I hope you can have experiences in life that render the power she has over you null and void.
For me, being loved in a healthy way has made all the chasing I did for women who were unreliable and flakey seem pointless and a waste of time.
A real stable relationship takes time to develop. In case of instant attraction and things move too fast its a red flag. That kind of relationships fizzle out eventually
Thank you for this video - this describes my relationship to a T
👍👍👍💕
What style of dance were you and your friend dancing?
Brazilian Zouk
@@busybecomingmyself I thought so! Zouk is beautiful :)
Chris, what is this dancing style called that you and Sylwia are dancing? Thank you
Brazilian zouk
@@busybecomingmyself Oh I see! Thank you! Looks really nice
Bro I love this t shirt where did u get it?
a Polish store called Reserved. Almost everything they have is limited edition though. I have a few similar ones :)
I had similar type of relationship as this. Her flakiness was due to the fact the was spending time with other dudes. There’s usually always some other guy they hitting up in the background
Every attractive girl will have other men hitting her up. The ones of true quality who are right for you, will filter them out.
@@busybecomingmyselfthe cream will always rise to the top.
Wow! A you’re a very powerful and impactful orator. I had an aha moment and realized a few things about myself that I need to heal.
Thank you kind sir 🙏🏼🩷
I'm glad I could help :)
Jeez.. no wonder she left you.. can’t love women like that dude. It scares them. Sometimes, you need to be emotionally unavailable and outcome independent.
I would’ve told her to piss off, once she decided to remove herself from my life. No meet up, nothing.
For a lot of women, who have been chasing guys who won't even text them back after they have sex, genuine love will feel like weakness and they will be repulsed by it.
However what I really love about my current relationship is I can love her and be myself. Still some of my old conditioning is likely to come out, but she is extremely feminine and so I can be in my full masculine, and she loves me for it. And I can even be sweet to her and she doesn't take it for granted. It's a different playbook to deal with a woman who can receive love vs one who can't.
@@busybecomingmyself yeah, you can love her like that and you should. Until they show their truest color.
And when someone disrespects you badly, you should walk and never speak to them ever again.
If there was betrayal involved, and very likely she did with another guy, then you have to cut all contact permanently. Let the betrayal be the closure.
My ex spouse whom I share children with did that to me and I consider her dead to me. I grey rock and make my life as uninvolved to not give her any indication that I’m interested in patching things up. I rather live a single life for the rest of my days than accept a woman who betrayed me back.
You will find someone who will love and respect you for you. X
I have. And if this doesn't work out, I don't think I could have feelings for anyone who doesn't value me as much as I value them.
Yeah I went back to my Ex tonight. Heroine.
I hope you can heal those parts of yourself that make you feel like you need less than you deserve
Perhaps it's human instinct for women to test a man's level of self-respect over love for her in sheer survival, if she passes early will he still be strong enough to carry the torch for the children? If challenged, will he stand his ground before the love for her? Does he love himself enough to love back?
The shit test is common in dating too - testing deeper for that emotional maturity and wit.
Please not all women but this is true for narcissists (both men and women).
So sorry experienced that😢
She should meet my recent ex husband, then she would know exactly what it feels like to treat you the way she treated you! They would deserve one another!
I'm sorry you went through that. I hope life is better for you now.
@@busybecomingmyself I meant to write date , not meet. I think that was a typo. Thank you. I hope you're doing better as well. I know not all men are like my ex husband fortunately. You're correct it's no longer about their shit , it's about us and the way we have not been taught by example from our parents. If my dad had been the least bit present ( emotionally, or hands on) ( he was with my mother for 50 yrs) He would have told me what I deserve and I would have Instantly known my husbands behaviors were not going to help build a deep partnership. You're also on the right path. There are emotionally capable and available women out there. Believe me. I am one and I have girlfriends who are.
Thank you. I'm with one now and she's wonderful.
Many persons are traumatized. They can’t trust.
Please don't bring children into chaos. Break the chain.
This is exactly what I'm trying to do. Check out my video "why you must become the father you never had"
@@busybecomingmyself I have enjoyed watching your videos. I feel you are a sensitive and loving male. Coming from a narcissistic family can traumatize one and healing is needed. Glad you have benefited from therapy. Take care.
Thank you
I’m a woman and this happened to me. Don’t think it’s gender specific
You’re a decent human being.
What is your sign?
Usually "Do Not Disturb"
@@busybecomingmyself oh thatttttt was good! Ok let’s try…..when’s your birthday? 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭😭😭😭
I cannot stand the "All men are this...all women are that..." mentality.
same. There are trends but every human being is an individual. So our approach to life must be nuanced.
Agree.@@busybecomingmyself
If I could find a w 0 m a n who's chaos adverse, I'd be TOO happy
You look middle eastern wow your mom is sri lankanist. Cool. You should go for a middle eastern woman they are very sweet.
I'm with a Polish woman right now who is also very sweet.
new sub:)
I'm a little starstruck rn :)
All that you have said is true.
It sounds like she had someone else or another family perhaps.
I never had evidence of it but maybe.
@@busybecomingmyself She sounds so unstable, but I may be wrong.
Maybe try dating an average looking girl. High value girls (pretty ones that know the power of “thanks but NO”) do not want an average man. The only time average guys get them is when they catch them off guard because they have been thru recent hard time that left them emotionally vulnerable or something. After they recover emotionally and realize who they are with they run for the hills. Their target will always be a top man, the poweful, feared and respected by all kinda male.
Well I'm not an average man and I've worked hard to get here, so no, I don't think I will.
My current girlfriend is a beautiful 22 year old medical student who absolutely adores me.
Also, alpha and beta aren't people. They're traits. You have to have both in order to have a long term relationship.
@@busybecomingmyself Like I said high value girls only fall for average men when they are vulnerable. A young and gorgeous 22 year old female that is a full time med school student is going thru lots of stress and anxiety because med school is extremely high demanding. She is really vulnerable right now. So please keep taking good care of her and help as much as she needs. Im gonna watch the new video you just posted something about losing the spark. Love your vids 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Love your videos.
Thank you!
Bro’s codependent
I was (and I think the furthest we get is "recovering codependent" in the same way someone sober for 20 years is still a "recovering alcoholic"), and that is why I talk about it in this video and this channel.
It's not a channel for perfect people with no issues to work on.
I think this is the saddest channel on CZcams.
Only for those who don't watch to the end
Yeah women are complicated and less is more with them alot of them are headcases.
A lot are, but not all. Now, I don't get into relationships with women who complicate my life or make it difficult.
Around the 5 minute mark you start attributing the self respect vs. love for her thing as a woman vs man thing, but that is easily a thing that all kinds of people do. If a woman said that about men you’d get all sorts of butthurt guys in her comments saying she’s got a victim mindset and a misandrist. You were too attached, and men commonly take advantage of women that are too attached as well. Just be honest next time and don’t make it a gendered thing.
The next time I'm a woman I will speak from a woman's perspective.
People test boundaries, sure. We've been doing it unconsciously since we were children. But sexual diimorphism is real, including in bones, muscle, hormones and neurology, and the same testing has different manifestations between males and females. As my channel is primarily for men and I'm speaking from a male perspective I mentioned something for men to be aware of.
I'm also not sure how to be more honest when I talked about the root of my attachment at the end of the video.
I have random idiots saying I have a victim mindset on every video I have which has the structure of "I made a mistake. It's my responsibility. This is what I learned." So that isn't a gendered thing either.
@@busybecomingmyself No doofus, everything you’re saying is valid, but you’re falsely attributing this pattern of behavior to women when this is a thing TONS of men do too. Also, you make it seem like it’s an intentional evil on her part (making you choose between her and self-respect) when there was clearly something deeper. A key to detaching yourself in a healthy way is to always remember that other people, as perfect as they might seem, have their own perspectives, and they are not bad for having those perspectives. Also I never said sexual dimorphism was not real, and you’re projecting extremely hard. You can make better content for men by not telling them that women are innately manipulative and confusing creatures. Your blind spot is showing.
You're projecting "evil" and "bad" onto natural habit. I didnt moralise this. That's your doing. I don't know why you're so obsessed with it
And yes there is something deeper. There's the need to have some reassurance that one is with the best possible mate. I'm talking about how that might come up in the life of a straight male. I don't need to constantly caveat "but men do X" everytime I talk about a particular manifestation of this testing that I've experienced from women. I might talk about testing a woman by asking her for a favour and seeing how she reacts, or seeing if she ever offers to pay, towards the goal of ensuring mate quality, but that wasn't relevant here. Men and women both test but don't routinely test in the exact same ways. Because dimorphism and different evolved habits due to different pressures.
And "manipulation" is the ocean in which human society swims. Babies manipulate when they cry. Partners focus on particular details in how they communicate to support their own interests. Even pets manipulate us when they're hungry. It happens continuously and it doesn't have any moral weight in and of itself.
I'm open to people disagreeing with me but I insist on no more insults.
@@busybecomingmyself You’re purposefully missing my point, u don’t need to say that “men do it too” u can just say “people” instead of “women” because when u say “women” it actively excludes men, when that’s not true. You give good advice, advice that I think even people who aren’t straight men could use. When you say things like “women tend to do X” about a thing that BOTH genders “tend” to do, it just feels like an unfair generalization that ruins an otherwise solid point. Sorry for the name calling, but deflection and generalizations in videos like this are an instant turn off - there’s a way to acknowledge your past without blaming others unfairly. Maybe you have grown but the young men you’re speaking to might get the wrong impression.
I'm not "purposely" missing the point, nor am I blaming. I may have a blind spot but need additional information to show me where this is. And I'm not convinced that my point in the video is being received as I intended it.
I'm saying "this is what I've noticed". I don't think I've heard of men doing the "love vs self respect" test and I don't think I've done this myself, and I do understand it as a strength and leadership test which is more of a trait valued by women in men than the other way around. But I do notice other ways in which I've tested, which I mentioned in the last comment. I'd need a woman to comment on this in order to get their perspective.
From my current perspective, the ways men test is different than this, but I'm open to hearing from women on how they felt men test them.
I think some men have a genetic predisposition to be simps. I know this because I consider myself as one those men, and the best thing that ever happened to me is to realize that I have this predisposition. I think you also have it. And the good news is that you are aware of it. Now you need to work very hard to put yourself in a situation like this where women take advantage of you. I have not been in a relationship since 2018, and I'm not trying to get into a relationship. The best thing you can do is to just deal with women on sex basis only, that is the only thing I'm doing now.
I hope you do that to and just forget about women my brother. Women are incapable of loving men the way that we love them, and now I have no sadness over it. I'm treating women the way they treat me and surprisingly I'm getting laid. But when I treated them well I was not getting laid. Now, I'm happy to just have casual sex with women and not have a girlfriend. I don't see myself having a girlfriend anytime soon.
Perhaps. I definitely had the upbringing for it. I any case, I'm not there now. I demand the same as I'm prepared to give. I put out these messages because people can learn from them as I have.
Sounds like a miserable existence. Meaningless sex will leave you empty
@@PaulaOx speak for yourself. The problem with women like yourself is that you are unable to see past what you prefer and what works for you. It's called female solipsism.
I can tell you now that I'm more happy now than ever before and you don't need to understand that. I can actually care less.
Sad 😢
How old are you, 22? Cos that sounds like a long lonely life
You seem nice. Wow, how many crazy woman you meet. You look for the wrong ones. You very fast fall in love with idols. Get to know the characters more, stable ones. You love not them, you love a image of them. It's not her. It seems you are addicted to drama. Don't get the first 12 weeks sexually involved. Know eachother, look for red flags then leave. Woman are good actors, some men too. But mostly they are more straightforward.
Yes. It took done time to be able to accept genuine love in my current relationship. It felt very strange at first. And I wanted to run away. But I stuck through those feelings and eventually things got better