Do I Regret Going No Contact?
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- čas přidán 20. 03. 2024
- My right answer could obviously be the wrong answer for someone else as going no contact with a parent or loved one is a very personal decision, but if my perspective helps any of you in any way, then this was worth sharing.
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Sometimes the hardest grief to go through is process of grieving what we never had.
Indeed. I went through this terrible grieving when my mother died (she was abusive in different ways). When my narcissist father died, I was angry and grieved only for two weeks. I’d done most of my grieving over not having the father I needed the years before that.
Omg...yes! When my mother died I didn't mourn her, but the mothering I needed, but never had.
Spot on. Wells said.
Hang in there guys -
fk that hits hard. not gonna lie, this line made me tear up immediatly.
Protecting yourself is not selfish, it's self preservation
I think that's what many of us struggle with. We had to become people pleasers to survive. We had to become perfectionists to stave off the anger. It still didn't work, but it was what we had as kids. And so doing things for ourselves feels selfish, even though it should have been happening all along. We should have been allowed to see our own value. It takes time.
🎯🎯🎯
Bingo.
I cut my bullying mother out of my life and it's been wonderful to have some healing time to myself. None of us asked to be born. She never apologised and I gave her decades to change and improve, but she never did. Cutting out a bad parent is one of the best things you can do to find happiness.
That's why I put quotation marks around "selfish" in these situations. Sometimes doing what you need to keep yourself safe feels selfish, especially if you're dealing with a manipulative abuser
I'm "75," and was beaten, and molested as a child. Lots of therapy and the realization that the abuse would continue from my siblings, I let go all contact with them. It's a large family and I do miss the "idea," of family. However, I love myself too much to ever put myself into an abusive situation ever again. Sending loving thoughts to everyone...even my family.
Thank goodness, we can build our own family and they don’t have to be blood.
WoW.
I am the scapegoat of my family. I cut off my WHOLE family. I miss the ''idea'' of a family too. Sometimes... it just hurts so bad. But you are right.... I love myself too much to ever be put into an abusive situation ever again. I had a therapist once try and convince me to make contact with my family again... and I had to stop her and ask her... would you say the same thing to a woman who got out of an abusive relationship with her boyfriend? (i'm also a woman) but for some reason.... people think... just bc they are blood related, you should forgive them... forgetting... that we are blood related and that didn't stop them from abusing me.
You're awesome.
Ariana, you're amazing. Thank you for your example. I've walked a similar path, dealt with that stuff from my m*ther, and realized it would continue with my siblings. Like you, I miss the "idea", the "what could have been". But now I've opened up to the idea of creating chosen family. Life is so much better. I wish you continued healing and love 💜
I think it's fairly safe to say most people don't regret going no contact but they regret that it's necessary.
Yeah and you regret what never was.. Like, you're grieving a loving parent that you never had in the first place. It's really hard to make peace with that
@@drnanard9605yup. My two biggest regrets were not having the family I thought I had, and not accepting the ugly truth sooner
Amen....
...
@@metsl1870 This is an extremely succinct way to put it and I'm going to use that.
I'm going to trauma dump, if anyone cares to read my piece.
My mom died when I was 23. I told myself I hated her. Before she passed, I was fully convinced that I was going to cut her off. I wanted her to be really and truly alone, so she could finally realize that she wasn't being good to those around her. I wanted to snub her, and I wanted her to realize that she's the reason I spent so much of my life not believing I would ever have any kind of worth.
When she died, I was still living with her and my step-dad. When I got the news, my first thought was, "There goes my day off." The more people tried to tell me she wasn't a bad person, that she loved me, that I shouldn't hate her... the less I felt. I was already cut off from her emotionally. If I mourned her, I was grieving who I wanted her to become, not who she was.
If anyone needs to hear this, you don't owe someone forgiveness once they're dead. You only owe yourself space to move on and heal.
I think, also, that any mourning on your part would have been for what she wasn't, when she could have been. You'd already moved on from that, from the sound of it. You'd already had your mourning period, and needed nothing further.
It makes sense that you would have felt even less and less because every person speaking up for her was invalidating all of your experiences with her. Your journey through your pain and grief is completely personal and valid.
I haven't seen my father since I was 18.(currently 47). At 21 I legally changed my name. I don't care if he is alive or dead and don't regret ever cutting off contact.
i feel so seen! thirty for me(46)
@@coffeecats5442 Glad you feel seen and you're not alone.
same (for me its was 24, i am 32 now)
@@coffeecats5442 I'm glad you feel seen. You are not alone.
@@otakuofmine I'm glad to know we are not alone. Everyone who has had to cut off contact has a huge group of people on here that can understand.
Thank you so much for answering this. I'm no contact with my family. "If there's one thing a family hates more than an abuser, it's a truth teller". If that ain't the truth.
I completely understand the anger and sadness resulting from unresolved abuse. Never be sorry you stopped drinking poison. Be glad you lived to be that angry person and grow away from your past.
“ Never be sorry you stopped drinking poison.” I never heard no-contact described that way, and this is so apt. Thank you.
@@JanisOnTheFarmette - may hope and joy shine on your future.
I do not regret going "no contact", I regret NEEDING to go "no contact".
There were no more chances. What COULD HAVE BEEN also died, but was never in my control.
There was also some relief, tbh. I could finally, FINALLY, LET GO of what "COULD HAVE BEEN".
Closure. Growth. Life. Death. Riding those tides....
Keep On Keepin' On.
Thank you! Your words are wise and make me hopeful for the future ❤
@@lililangtry1881 🥲🥰
wise words indeed
You shouldn’t regret needing to go no contact because that implies you made a decision (or a series of decisions) that caused the situation where going no contact was the best option. Those decisions were made by your abusers, and as a result, you chose to cut ties with them for the sake of preserving your own mental health, which is absolutely not something to apologize for. Your abusers likely think that you should feel regret because that means you’re at least partially accepting blame for the situation. They probably believe it is your responsibility to alleviate them of the consequences of their actions, even though your continued interactions with them would signal to them that there’s nothing wrong with what they did, so they would repeat the same patterns of behavior without ever having to look introspectively. It is never your fault that you were abused, so don’t let anyone convince you to internalize your abusers’ message, especially when you’ve probably already worked so hard to unlearn it.
This is how I feel about my mother, and this is how she felt about her father. Oh, how cycles can repeat.
I'm sending you love. ❤ It's very tough to endure abuse... so I feel you. 🙏🏽💚⭐️
So true unfortunately, I hope everything is better for you.❤
That intergenerational trauma can just echo down through the family. Much love and many cyber hugs 🫂
And cycles can be broken. If you have, or should ever have children, your awareness will help you choose the healthy path. And even if you don't have kids, just the fact that you're on this channel shows you've already broken the cycle.
@@chickenpants The realization about intergenerational trauma was the thing that really helped me get over the seething anger and just settle into the pity for the people my parents became. They did everything they could to not turn into their parents, except the one thing that could have prevented it: actually facing the trauma that they both went through as children in abusive homes.
Also, please consider: If things are bad enough for NC, there's a good chance you might regret GOING to see them rather than not going.
My cousin's abusive psycho of a father contacted him a while back saying that he was on his deathbed and that he wanted to see him because he was his only son and he wanted to leave everything to him. Mind you, this man endangered the lives of my unborn cousin and his pregnant mother in a completely preventable accident that lead to serious birth complications and said afterwards that my cousin should have better kicked the bucket because the slight developmental delay he suffered as a result made him too pathetic in his eyes. He was verbally and physically abusive, the only reason the two of them got away from him was due to him having his sight already set on the next woman after this whole ordeal. Fortunately he was into drugs too, so custody on his end was never on the table. He only showed up once in every blue moon to tell my cousin how he isn't man enough, how he's an idiot whenever he did poorly at school and how him coming down with a severe chronic illness as a teenager made him weak. That was quality father-son time enough to last my cousin a lifetime already.
But when he heard that his father was dying, he decided to oblige and forget about all that for just a moment. After all, his father had gone out of his way to contact him. My aunt knew to not leave him phone numbers or addresses after all, so he contacted one of her friends from way back when and got her phone number this way, all just to see his son. And you know, some people have an epiphany when they know they're about to die, it happens, right? Maybe he was finally going to make good on his abuse, after all.
It started again. Of course it did. This mfer was lying on his deathbed verbally crapping all over my cousin and his mother once again and they had to stand there and take it because what the hell are you gonna do to a guy who's only got a few weeks left to live? He thought himself extremely generous too for leaving my cousin his "fortune" when there was literally no one else he could have given it to. He was the last living member on his side of the family, the other woman and her replacements had run for the hills decades ago and he had no other children, he drove everyone away by being an awful person. He probably would have done better giving it to charity rather than using it as leverage to deny his son closure. My cousin is worse now than I've ever seen him, he's been completely retraumatized and doesn't even know what to do with the money he got, he's not even sure if there aren't any strings attached like hidden debts he'd be inheriting or something. This whole thing basically lead to this narcissistic abusive human garbage of a father getting the last laugh and it's going to haunt my cousin and his mother for quite a long time when they were doing just fine without him for decades, the thought of that probably got him off too. So yes, going to see them again one last time can absolutely make things worse and have you regret going.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It's true some people will never change.
I went no contact with my scumbag of a father around a month ago and I sure as hell don’t think he’s a loved one. I might go to his funeral for my brother who desperately wants a father figure and has recently moved across the country to live with our dad, but I will NEVER regret my decision.
Like he said, funerals for the living. So if it helps your brother and you can handle it, going makes sense
Only go if you can deal with all the other people telling you what a great guy he was and to forgive him. I loathe all that crap so I’ll avoid my father’s funeral.
But I’m so proud of you for going NC at all. That takes guts! And I found healthier father figures, too. There’s a whole world of better people out there. ❤
❤❤❤
All the more horrid are those that can't manage no contact and are continually hurt over time, while hoping for justice and/or an apology. It's fucking slow torture/trauma to return to an abuser again and again and receive more abuse.
I guess I don't understand why you say these people are all the more horrid? These people are abuse victims. They return to their abuser because that's the only cycle they know. And certainly if they don't have family that stands up for them or friends that can keep their mind off of what they think they're losing if they going No contact, they're going to fall back into the cycle.
Now if you mean that that situation is more horrid (than going no contact), that much I agree with you. I wish all of those stuck in that cycle could find a way out. Unfortunately being abused doesn't lead to you being stronger, no matter how many times Boomers tell you that.
Agreed. Disregard naysayers. Horrid as they come they will not infrequently entrap their own children to keep inflicting abuse. Just thinking about it makes my eyes roll into my head. People like that belong in prison.
My dad wasn’t the active abuser, but he knew what was happening. Instead of acknowledging and apologizing, he opts to gaslight, make me question my memories, and pretend everything was perfect. I had to walk away for my own mental health. No big shocker, he’s also one of the Trump faithful…those folks do love their lies.
Exactly. And psychopathic narcissists will NEVER change. They may pretend to in order to draw you back into their sphere of influence, but they will inevitably revert to type.
correction: "all the more horrid FOR those..."
I only regret I didn't go no-contact sooner. They have both since died, and I felt so much relief and release.
exactly this. if i'd gone no contact sooner, i could have started the healing sooner.
that's okay though, cuz i'm in a good place now. but when my mother finally dies? yeah, it's basically gonna be relief and that's pretty much it.
My mom died of cancer when I was 14.
Now that I'm 35 I wish I had helped her along sooner.
I also only regret not having done it sooner. If I had known about minor emancipation when I was a teen I wouldn't have waited until 19 to leave. But I didn't have any resources then.
I also wish I’d of woken up sooner. I was 33 when I went NC. So much abuse, manipulation, etc had to happen before I said “ENOUGH”.
I'm no contact with 4 of my 5 siblings for the last 6 yrs or so. All I regret is that I don't see nieces and nephews and their families, but for my own mental health, I need to remain no contact.
This is the hard part for me. I spent time with my nieces until they were 4-6 years old, and I love them so much, and they loved me. It's been 4 years since I last saw them, and I'm not sure if they even remember me. It breaks my heart, especially knowing they have to grow up with the people I had to separate myself from.
Same. I miss seeing the younger relatives grow up and feel bad I wasn’t around. But it’s so important to heal thyself. And we’re also setting an example for any of them to follow.
Dont think that just escaping from a particular abusive situation and become an independent adult means that you're safe for life .
You hear about exploitation and abuse of the elderly, but you never dream that it could ever happen to you and your spouse and parents .
You underestimate how cruel and dangerous younger relatives and inlaws can take financial advantage of your family when you're at your most vulnerable circumstances.
But it starts in such small insidious increments that you don't realize how bad things are until irreparable damage has been done.
@@judithsixkiller5586 ok but what did that have to do with anything? We're talking about going no contact with relatives, and you decided to randomly talk about elderly abuse.
Yup. I had gone no contact with my narcissistic alcoholic mother from hell for 2 years before I got a call that she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and had 3 months to live. I spoke to her briefly while she was still alive, and sent her a book thinking that if I gave her a self help book, she would realize how she affected me and would make amends. Nope. When she did die, same here, I was angry, SOangry, that she left without resolving things. But knowing what I know now about narcissism, I realize that I never would have gotten that from her, and I'm in a much better place about her passing without resolving things now..
Thank you, just thank you, no contact can be so hard and the general public really don't understand.
I know you get pressure from your family members to reestablish contact. But you need to do what is healthy for you. Right now that is to break of contact.
I always tell people "I'm so glad you don't understand this. Nobody should."
@@Nerobyrnewise words
It's liberating to let them go. Especially if they put you through things. I let go of my mom way before her demise. And I don't regret it
For those how have gone no contact, bravo for caring about yourselves!👏👏👏
I ran away to my dad's house when I was 13. It's been 15 years since I last spoke with my mom. I don't regret my decision. My life got better and better with my dad being there for me. I have no relationship with her so I just don't see the point in going to her funeral when the time comes.
It’s been about 10 years for me, for BOTH of my parents. I do not regret it at all. They will never acknowledge their cruelty and depravity, and they still behave the same way. I’m not even angry anymore- I just see them as a pair of rabid dogs. They can’t be helped and they can’t be trusted. I need to keep myself safe.
I agree regarding abusive family not acknowledging the cruelty and depravity and then also expecting you to pretend like the things they did or allowed o happen to you is OK
Just remember you're not just doing it for you, you're doing it for your spouse and children. Allowing that person to affect them even if it's only through you isn't an option. Any time someone second guesses that decision think about that fact
I had cut of my grandfather and had a friend tell me I HAD to fix things with him before he passed.
I did not have to and I would not. He has passed now. I have no regrets.
Thank you for this. I went no contact with my family 12 years ago and (thanks to the smear campaign) I have very limited contact with my huge extended family. My father is having emergency open heart surgery as we speak. I don't know how to feel, but I know that if it doesn't work out for him I don't want to go and face a hostile grieving crowd all by myself. Especially if his ex-wife (my mother) shows up ... she was even worse.
I think I'm just going to have to keep on being "selfish".
Yes, you be “selfish”, and take care of yourself! 🙏
Well, if you went, they would find something else to blame you for anyway sooooooo 🤷🏼♀️
I know exactly what you mean by smear campaign .. just remember in these kinds of toxic family dynamics it’s almost an honor to be the black sheep, actually.. wishing you strength! 💪🏻🍀❤️
Sounds like you’re not actually no contact. You knew about the surgery somehow. You may just to protect yourself even more, so you don’t waste your precious time worrying about the what-ifs and their judgement like you’re doing.
Stay strong. You can do this.
My mother's second husband was abusive to her, me & my half-sister (his daughter) - I went to the funeral for mom's sake. There were a lot of people bc the community he was thought of as a 'nice guy'. I had to grit my teeth through the whole farce. We are much better now that he's gone.
Some people make the world a better place by what they do while they’re alive. Some people make the world a better place by leaving it.
It's a trademark of narcissists and other toxic personality types that they have an entirely different personality behind closed doors. Think of all the serial killers that their neighbors described as "a polite boy".
That will be me if my brother-in-law ever dies.
This is why kids seriously need to know all about surveillance options to catch what these scumbags do when they think no one outside of the family will see. Video and audio capture!
@@Starry_Night_Sky7455Thank you for your reply. My situation was before recording devices were so available & discreet. But even today women & children are still so dependent on who may be making money, or more money in the family. And if it's your bio-family you might have lingering feelings of guilt for recording their actions, even when credible. It could also be dangerous if that person finds the device, trying to catch them. But I would hope some could able to do this successfully & be able to leave the situation.
Why would anyone go to a funeral of the person you cut off to save yourself.. Just to hear how wonderful of a person they were?? The family knew all of the stuff, they didn’t agree with his decision, BUT makes excuses for him anyway? I have decided to Not go.. I have panic attacks if I hear his voice. It’s been over 15 years since I’ve seen him or talked to him. I’ve seen counselors for all of those years. They agreed with me that it’s best to Not go to the funeral when he dies. I am older, each person is individual you have to choose what is best for you. It’s Great to gather more information about this stuff.
Funerals are rarely the time for telling hard truths. I think it would be very difficult for someone who was abused to attend.
I don't know. My mom went to the funerals of her brother who SAd her when she was a child. I never understood her choice, and I personally refused to go, even for support, because the trauma he inflicted on her, and the subsequent severe PTSD she got 20 years later wrecked my family and became my own trauma. My mom still loved him, somehow. Love is a strange thing.
My father stabbed me in the back more times than I can count. But when he stabbed me and my eldest in the back and showed no remorse, it put me on a path that ended up going no contact about ten years later. This man spent my whole life making me feel worthless. I wasn’t going to let him do the same to my children. I asked my eldest, now an adult, to at least drop by once, to see if THEY might have a relationship anyway. He spent the whole time playing the victim.
Now none of us talk to him.
Your first video on going no-contact with a family member was one of the biggest influencing factors in my decision to do the same with my abusive parents. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but in a lot of the moments I was questioning my decision, I'd rewatch your video for reassurance.
Thank you for making videos like this.
I went no-contact near 30 years ago with my mother.
She died 2 years ago, and only through luck did I even find out.
I’m now in contact with my aunt, which has been amazing, a relationship we should have had from the time I was young. But well, my mother…
Do I regret going no contact? Not for a single. Solitary. Moment. My life has been better every day she has been out of it, and continues to get better.
I knew no apology was coming. Because she wasn’t sorry.
I mourned her decades ago. It hurt for a real long time. But that pain healed, I healed.
And now I can be a shoulder for my aunt, letting her mourn and grieve without any of who my mother was to me, getting in the way.
I would do it all again.
Thank you. Recently went no contact with my mom after a life time of abuse ( I’m in my late fourties), it’s immensely reassuring to read testimonies like yours. For me it’s the guilt that makes it so very hard. No matter how toxic and mean she is… the adult rational part of me knows I should have run a long time ago, but there’s still a little girl in me that feels guilty for abandoning her because she’s old. It’s just, the older she gets, the more venomous she gets, and I just couldn’t stand it anymore. And still, this nagging guilt ( which was always my mom’s number one control tool)….
Anyway sorry for the novel! TLDR: thank you for sharing your experience! It helps! ❤
I was in the same situation except he did ask to speak with me after he found out he was terminally ill. I debated about it a lot and ended up writing him an email saying that I loved him very much and no longer felt angry with him but that I still couldn't have him in my life due to the damage he had done. His response confirmed that he had not changed at all and was not sorry. I had planned on not attending his funeral but he also requested that I not attend, so on that at least we were aligned! I have zero regrets.
Wow, he was such a bitter, spiteful man that he made a point to go out of his way to say you were explicitly not invited. On his death bed. So sorry for what you must have gone through.
@@bossyboots5000 Thanks, yeah it at least confirmed that I had made the right decision going no contact for so many years.
@llamaloop yeah, sometimes those nasty actions are what we need for validation. When no one believes you or your voice is minimized and dismissed you start to second guess yourself. Maybe it wasn't that bad, etc. Then they show their true selves again and realize we def made the right decision.
I made the mistake of speaking to my mother on her deathbed. She was as cruel and malicious and hurtful as she could be. I regret giving in to the pressure to speak to her. I should've trusted my instincts. I didn't attend her funeral. It wasn't for me, it was for people who saw the side of her she wanted them to see. People that pressure you or judge you for going no contact don't understand and aren't worth an ounce of your time or consideration. Move on with your life and with any legitimate loved ones you have, even if that's chosen family. ♥
I had friends who my entire adult life knew me to not be in contact with my bio-donor, had no idea the circumstances under which I didn't have contact with him - literally no skin in the game, get pissed off at me for not trying to reach out to him. Even more pissed when I found out he'd died and just shrugged it off. It's wild how much people project their feelings and 'morality' on others without any context. We really have no obligation to anyone aside from those we choose to have those interactions with.💛
Yes that projection, even if it's not with harmful intention or actual understanding, is so difficult to deal with. "But they're still family". Yeah so? It's great that you apparently have a nice family, but mine abused me in all sorts of ways until I went no-contact, and then they didn't even respect the no-contact. Yes it is lonely to have no family, but the stress and trauma of dealing with them, is so much worse for me.
My daughter went no contact with my ex many years ago due to se*ual assault. I've had people say they hope she can forgive him so he can meet his grandchildren one day! So you want a young woman to introduce her small daughters to the pedophile who assaulted her? Yeah, not gonna happen. And yes, they knew why she went no contact. I don't talk to those people much either.
@@kristinretallack8238 that's fricking ridiculous... kids can do just fine without certain family members in there life, as long as the role that person had is in some way fulfilled.
Projection is exactly what it is,! My sister in law experienced the same horrific psychological abuse as I did from my mother after they have been on good terms for many years and still turned around when her own mother died and said that I should make amends with my mother!
I will never get that mentality! No one seems to care about the actual victim.@@kristinretallack8238
I get so tired of people judging me for protecting myself. Thanks for sharing this personal story of yours; love your channel!
I don't regret it either. I went no contact with my dad and stepmom over 25 years ago. I did see them briefly and cordially at a cousin's wedding about a year ago. I don't miss them at all. I do wish I had some motivation to reconnect with my younger brothers from that side. I have my Mom's side of the family and we get along great, so I still have family. No regrets.
Thank you for sharing. I’m in a similar situation. Contact will never be safe and neither is a funeral. An apology or acknowledgement would never be real anyway. My heart broke for you learning that you had hoped for one. I’m so sorry you never got what you needed. I don’t know what I’ll do when that news comes but I will do what is best for me because I’m the only one that has ever taken care of me. I’ll find a way for closure that is safe and suits me. Thank you for this channel, it helps many people. 💜
for people who are in the questioning part of going no contact, first, I strongly recommend finding a therapist if you don't already have one (honestly, everyone should go to therapy, at the very least it's an hour where someone has to listen to you!), I know it can be cost prohibitive, but I started therapy through a local non-profit that worked with psychology/social work students who needed to do field work before graduating, so there might be low cost/no cost options in your area (or online). The other thing, though, is that low contact is also an option (basically you play nice at family events but mostly ignore/don't have any real conversations with the person), which might fit better for some people. I actually gave my dad the option of low contact or trying to fix our relationship and when he couldn't even be bothered to choose one of those, I went no contact. Ultimately, though, I think it's really whatever feels right for you, however that looks.
I went NC with my mom several years ago and she died last November. I absolutely understand not being sad. I mourned he person I wanted her to be, that I had in my head. The dream. I didn’t see her in the hospital when she was dying. I wish she had been different, but I’m not sad.
I’m childfree and whenever I come across someone saying “but who’s going to take care of you when you’re old”, I think of these no contact adult children. I’m so sorry your parents did not offer the deep love and support for you all, you have all the reason to prioritize your own well being and to stop interacting with people who’ll never choose love.
I've never regretted going no-contact for a long time with my dad, and I've never regretted re-establishing contact after my kid was born. Both were the right decision in the times I made them.
I love how my dad puts it - The only way there can be regrets is if there were grets to begin with. Going no-contact with someone who never made any effort to have a healthy relationship with you is the only good and logical thing to do - not only is there no point in regretting it, there's no need to. And taking whatever path it takes to heal afterwards is not only allowed, it is required.
This is something I needed to hear from someone. I've been pressured to talk to my family that never got what they'd done to me...and its gotten worse since my father is dying, and the family expects me to talk like nothing happened. I have not regretted going no contact with my whole family; the only thing I'm grieving over is not having the father I needed.
Thank you for talking about something so personal for the benefit of people like me
I went no contact 30 years ago.
He has nothing for me.
I have been considering going no contact with my family. My father passed in 2018 and my mother started seeing this guy 3 months after.
To call him toxic would be a vast understatement. I did my best to make things work though but he did a lot of terrible things. He called my girlfriend ugly to my face (thankfully not to hers), he said women shouldn’t be allowed to cheat but men should, and then he called me scum and charged me one day because I am a progressive.
My mother’s answer to these things and many others was to deny it ever happened till the last one. Her answer to the last one was to say I am no longer allowed to come over to my family’s home. I am barred from all holidays. This ate me up inside for two years but then I realized I have the option to cut ties; this realization helped quite a bit, but I have no followed through yet.
I'm sorry that this happened to you, I'm glad that realising that you can cut ties with them brought you some peace
@@klara709 100% did. I basically spent the two years only sleeping 4 hours a night and it all culminated with me in the hospital thinkin my heart was going; turned out to just be a panic thing. Decided I could cut ties 4 months ago which really did help. I am now sleeping 6 hours a night! Small victories 😂
💙
Took me a few years to realize my pain came from shame. I am an idiot. It took me so long to realize my family will never be the decent people i hoped they might become if they'd just found courage to be honest and hate themselves less. They are completely self-motivated and transactional and are very happy. I am from a completely different planet.
I didn't go no contact, but at my dads funeral I felt this weird sense of relief and excitment. I've since come to understand it was because one of my anxiety sources was finally gone. The cold truth is, I don't miss him. For a while I was angry about what could have been, but now I see the only that could have been was for my parents to be completely different people, well then I would be to. For good or bad, I'll never know. I just keep working on accepting who I am and where I am at.
My mother turned 60 last week, my father will be 60 in august and july will mark 3 years of going no contact. Realistically speaking they are at two thirds of their lives. If they never saw any reason to put in effort to change or become a better person so far, I doubt that the last third or so will be any different. I've not spoken to them for a couple of months at a time before, but now my children are feeling the impact of their behaviour it cuts a lot deeper. I don't see myself ever speaking to them again nor do I see myself attending their funerals. It's sad, it hurts, but staying in touch and keeping up hope that they might actually start trying hurts more.
Thanks for speaking up on that subject. Breaking contact with your family happens more often than we imagine, usually for good reasons, and it's not ok that it's as taboo as it is.
My bio-dad was a complete narcissist. Like, everything about our lives revolved around appearances. We could literally be seething, bawling, or catatonic, at home, by ourselves. But, as soon as there was any witness, we had to pretend that we were one big, happy family; if we didn't, we would, absolutely, be made to regret it.
That wasn't even near the worst of it, but that's how I grew up, so I thought it was normal. I thought that's how all dads were. So, when my mom finally divorced him, and I'd have visits with him, I still thought it was normal for him to criticise everything about me. I wanted to spend less and less time with him (because, of course I did), and I'd always be depressed after our visits. But, again, I thought that's just how dads were. He was my dad.
Then, my mom met a new dude. He was perfect for her. He was non-judgemental and super chill. He enjoyed debate (and I did, too), but he'd never hold a grudge over it. I didn't have to hold back, when talking to him, for fear of judgement or retribution. He showed appreciation and affection via actions and words. He was generous and kind. I enjoyed spending time with him, because he was funny and smart, but never wanted anyone else to feel stupid.
Ultimately, that's what made me realize that my bio-dad wasn't worth it. This random dude that my mom had just met was already more of a father-figure to me than the guy who contributed to my genetic material. This dude who had only been around for a couple years.
Random dude was my real dad. I have no feelings for my bio-dad, anymore. He doesn't exist. He doesn't have any influence over me. I don't even think about him much, anymore. Because, later in life than you'd think, I had a true dad-dude come into my life.
Real dad-dude did pass, 3 years ago, now. We miss him every day. But, he changed our lives, genuinely. For the better. We feel fortunate that we got to spend 20 years with him.
All I regret about cutting contact with bio-dad is that I didn't do it sooner. ✌🏻
What opened my eyes the most to abuse I suffered in my family was meeting my husband who is so good to me from day 1. It’s amazing how healing love can be and how it opens our eyes to what we truly deserve.
Your random dude real dad truly sounds fantastic. ❤
Bio- dad can just exit.
All I have is a nightmare bio-dad 😕.
I have zero hope of an apology so I am at peace with whatever comes. I spent way too many years needlessly hurting. I have to make the best of the life I have left. Going no contact is loving yourself - you deserve peace
whoa didnt think that would get me, I told my parents many many years ago that I likely wouldn't go to their funerals because of the family trauma and I don't regret that decision, they're both gone now and they're with me every day
I am virtually no contact with my own father for a variety of reasons. I do not regret that decision. I too imagine the day that he acknowledges all the terrible things he has said and done, but I know it will never come. I don't think that I have learned to accept the things he has done, I have learned to accept that the day of him acknowledging and asking for forgiveness will never come.
Omg!!! THIS!!! This is for so many people in my tribe!! This is everything!! I am so sorry that you had to experience the trauma you did. And I am so very GRATEFUL for the man you have become and the wisdom you now bestow onto the world!!! Forever know that you are making a difference in people’s lives by speaking your truth! 🙏💙
Thank you for talking more about this. 🙏🏼I had to go no contact with my whole family last year after they treated me horribly for the last time. When I saw that older video you made, it was kinda around the same time and really helped me.
I've already grieved for the parents and family that they weren't and will never be. I wonder will I feel anything when they die.
Thank you for posting this. I needed it so badly. I went no contact with my entire family two years ago and it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. But they aren't safe people, and I know they never will be. Still it's hard knowing that one day they'll die and I probably won't even find out about it. It's still the right choice, but that doesn't mean it's not a difficult one I think of daily.
I’m sorry you and those in the comment section who are no contact went through abuse and mistreatment. Every child, every adult, deserves a loving family and anything else is unacceptable.
Anger can be a lifesaver. I remember when my sister got out of her relationship with her abusive narcissist of a boyfriend. She was trauma-bonded, and it was really bad. When she finally started to get angry with him for what he had done, I let out a sigh of relief. That was the turning point I had waited for.
I estranged myself from my bio-family because I lost all hope to have a healthy relationship with them. It's sad that this was the only thing that helped me to start healing.
It's been 3 years since I cut my father off. I don't regret choosing peace and safety over his company. He came from a much more abusive home than I did, but the generational cycle of fear and hurt ends with me. I'll forgive and love from a distance, but he's not welcome to meet me as the same man that he's always been. He needs to be a far more humble man that can accept his mistakes, and then we can try again.
Yeah... My father was dying and I went to see him. When he told me he loved me I was so shocked, that it got me in this spaced out state. But in reality it didn't mean much after 20 years. And after he passed away I became painfully aware that I never got an apology. My brother never went and didn't care. He was always better at setting boundries
I hate how our parents prey on the fact that all kids want is their parents approval. I’ve also gone no contact and I’m still working through the trauma. I kept trying to make them happy even after I moved out and it was the worst mistake I’ve ever made.
Me and my sister didn’t attend my mother’s funeral. She only really loved her sons. One walked away & went no contact with her more than 10 years before & the other son passed away. We were all she had left & she still couldn’t appreciate us. People who have “normal” parents can’t understand this but we have to protect ourselves from bad people & sometimes the bad people are our parents.
As someone who's NC with half my "family", I truly believe closure can't come from the people who either abused you or overlooked you being abused - even if they do apologize. It either comes from walking away and not looking back, or it never comes
I agree. My narcissistic in laws claimed my husband (their own son!) and I had accused them of sa-ing one of our children. We never did, but during a prolonged disagreement they decided to claim we were falsely accusing them of csa out of spite. Both my brother in laws accepted this narrative without question. They fully accepted that their own brother was making false accusations out of pettiness. The older brother told my husband "I don't want to hear your side. Don't contact me." And the younger brother lashed out at me and told me we were both dead to him.
If either brother were to ever apologize I really don't know how to respond. They went no contact with us *specifically* to avoid hearing our side of the story. They would rather terminate their relationship with their brother than question why their parents were talking about csa accusations. They can't bring us closure on that. That's an ugly truth my husband and I will have to try and reconcile should they ever apologize.
I went no contact with my cousin several years ago, and I think about this a lot. I don't know how I'll feel or how it'll go.
Thank you for sharing, Speech Prof., and good for all of us who set that boundary.
Very similar experience with my father. Went no contact for 15 years and got a call last July that he had passed. My first thought was that he never said sorry for all the abuse he'd put us through. And I was left with so much anger that i had reserved especially for him because I thought he would outlive us all. But once he was gone that anger sat inside and I decided to just let it go. I didn't forgive him nor do I regret going no contact but I allowed myself peace.
I didn't go completely no contact with my mother, but I did move across the country and make it limited contact.
I did go see her when she was at the end of her life due to stage 4 cancer. I'm kinda glad I did but mostly for her. Our very last phone call just before she passed she asked me.. "I wasn't that bad of a mother now.. was I?" And I still couldn't tell her. So I told her "No mom.. we were both just very strong willed people. I'm sure it was hard for both of us."
When she passed away I felt the weirdest mix of relief and numbness. And i had all these people telling me how sorry they were.. and I really only felt badly for my stepfather. He lost his wife, the person HE loved. I lost a person that gave me.. still gives me even passed away... nightmares. I loved her but...she scared me. I still feel badly more for him than for me. And it's almost impossible to explain it to others. The person THEY knew was not the person I knew, despite living in the same skin.
i will do this soon. a sibling that has used and abused those around them for decades. this isn't a new thing, but a lifelong one. no one is safe: our parents, their children, their ex spouse, former friends and me. we're all, combined with the rest of the world, the cause of all their woes. not bad decisions, not selfishness or narcissism, but anyone else. no contact is a blessing i want and will have.
Hey dude. I went most of my life with minimal contact from my mom. Three decades. I don't really think I understood until recently why I was uncomfortable around her. Thank you for your comfort. Your videos make me feel good, while making me ball like a baby. Again, thank you for your content.
Going through the same situation now, but my father and step mother. I went no contact 5 years ago and I have no regrets. I was in therapy and talking to my therapist about it and she asked me what I missed about that relationship with my father (I have no relationship with my step mom, that was DOA, nothing there at all) I cried and sobbed telling her about the person I used to know as my dad and she said to me "it sounds like you're mourning someone who has passed, like you're at their funeral having these thoughts" and that's when it hit me that I won't be going to his funeral, because I already had that with myself and that's all the closure I needed.
As mentioned, there is no easy choice but I hope this video and everyone's stories help someone out there make that choice a little easier. ❤
I didn’t go no contact with my mother and I regret it. I promised my dad I would do my best to “be nice to your mother, nobody ever taught her how to love”, so I kept trying until the day she died to be the one person who didn’t abandon her. Her last few years were a nightmare. She had dementia and her evil was hugely amplified. It took so much of my life force away. I should have walked away ages ago.
On the day she died, I went to see her. She was mostly unconscious, but I could tell she was trying to talk. I took that opportunity to speak to her, for the very first time in my life, without her being able to ridicule or insult or interrupt me. I didn’t talk about all the things she did to me. I said all the things a good daughter would say, and I meant them. She never had a conscience anyway, so I knew it was no use telling her things that would make a normal person apologize. I’d made peace years earlier with the fact that she was never capable of being the mother every child deserves. I was determined to finally prove her wrong about me and be the better person to the end. I don’t regret that part.
I will never point fingers at someone who needed to go no contact with a family member. I’m proud and kind of envious of them.
I feel you brother. I too went no contact before I got the call after 15 years, hurts the same because I too never got the apology he should have given for all the crap he put me thru.
But I was there until he took his last breath and I asked him why as if he heard me. Me being there alone and knowing what he put me thru, I know he took that with him in the after life.
He passed in 2015 and I’m still trying to wrap my head around why people are so evil to their own creations.
Stay strong 💪🏽
You said a mouth full. It is about protecting one's self.
Somehow that is harder to do than protecting someone else.
No contact is sad but it let me heal and grow stronger.
Unconditional love starts with loving our selves, especially if we were raised to believe we weren't worthy.
Be extra kind & gentle with your self.
Went no contact with my "mom" in fall of 21 and my "dad" the following spring. Between them telling me I'm fucking up my life as a trans person and all the abuse i received as a child i was just done with them. If you're gonna treat me like shit i no longer want to be around you. Family and blood are two different things. My whole family is always mad and fighting at each other but they stay because "family" like always found that weird. Like why would you rather put up with people you hate in the name of family than actually spend time around people you like. But somehow I'm the bad one for leaving the family?
For what it's worth, this stranger from the internet thinks you made the right call. Family of choice is all too often the healthiest. Be well, be yourself, be happy.
I cut off my father 8 years ago and my mother a couple of months ago for very similar reasons. My father is an outright bigot and my mother is a bit more two-faced about it. I put up with them talking shit to me, but the second they started talking about the people I love, I knew I had to cut their toxicity off. Transphobia has no place in my life and I refuse to call anyone who disagrees 'family'. My partner, friends and siblings are the only family I will ever need
That sucks. But good for you for going NC. Sending virtual hugs❤❤❤❤
@@donaldwert7137 I appreciate your support. It's sad when strangers are more kind than the parents who paid for IVF to have me lol
@@queer_unicornHope you’re doing well now! ❤
I went no contact with my father when he was drinking - I didn't want to go down with him. It was tough and a long haul but we were able to reconnect and I have to say he grew up to be a really nice guy. He passed a while back and I miss him every day.
Some time later I went no contact with my mother. The issues were there and in retrospect very serious, but I had been too occupied dealing with the crap from my dad to notice. We never reconciled and I heard of her passing second hand long after the fact. I miss her too and mourn the years we could have had together.
Sometimes life is like airplane going down. Shit's serious, but you have to put your mask first on before you can think about others.
So I see this today, March 21, 2024. My maternal grandmother passed away today. I state that because this is about my PATERNAL grandmother, whom I went no contact with in 2011. She was highly abusive. She finally shuffled loose this mortal coil in 2022 from lung cancer (no, I don't feel bad, the woman beat me mercilessly when I was a CHILD, like broke BONES mercilessly). I'm over her. I'm past her abuse. I've healed from that, done the therapy, all that. I didn't go. Why? I didn't need to. She was evil. She's gone. That's all that matters to me. I believe I told my dad when he called something along the lines of "let the dead bury their dead," which is exactly what he said when HIS maternal grandmother passed (who was also abusive).
That said it is odd this pops up on the day the DECENT grandmother passes. Gonna miss her. Today has sucked.
Great people should be mourned! The loss is huge, honour the space left with love.
Its good to tell the world of humans that a good one just left. We need more.❣️
Take care
Adding my input into the mix: I mainly regretted not doing it sooner. And that I didn't think to seek help from a complex ptsd trauma specialist.
Mourning what could have been was tough, healing by myself was tough, as was realising more and more even years later how messed up it all was.
But all these honest and constructive pains were better than being drained and broken by lies and invisibility for the rest of my life.
My mom said to her dying day that she didn't regret the abuse I endured. Maybe I would have had a better life had I gone no contact at 18, but that's who I was at the time. Regretting it would negate everything I learned and the strength that I earned being who i have been. Some abusive people are that way because they can't self reflect. I see you as a strong person who learned goodness out of exposure to a bad situation. Keep being you.
I have gone non-contact with my eldest son. He is 46 years old, an alcoholic and he spent time in prison for beating his girlfriend. He has threatened me and his brothers especially the brother who still lives with me who has cerebral palsy. I broke off contact with him about two years ago.
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Wise decision. Keep yourself and your special son who lives with you safe.
We are told to 'forgive others who hurt us" a lot. But, if there is no remorse on their part then they have shown they can't be trusted.
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I stopped talking to my father's side of the family a few years after he died, except for one aunt. Absolutely zero regrets here. My father's mother died a few years ago, and I didn't hear about it until months after. I dont regret not being there. What I do regret is staying in contact as long as I did before calling it quits. Do what's best for you. Family is the people you choose.
Beautifully said. From the outside some people don't understand the long and painful process of coming to the decision of No Contact. One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard was - no matter what anyone does to you, that is not your burden to bear. Let go of the anger and become the person you want to be. Live the life you want to live. Peace.
I went NC with my father and my 2 biggest regrets were:
1) Not having a cathartic "I've had it. I'm never speaking to you again and here's why!" moment. He loved to talk all about himself, browbeat me if I didn't agree 100% with absolutely all his views, and occasionally tell me how I was a horrible person using random (imaginary) events from my life as proof. All I ever did was sit there and take it. I wish I had, for once, let him know all the pain he caused me over the years.
2) Not having done it decades sooner.
I had a similar feeling when my dad died after i went no-contact. I suspect I'll feel similarly when my mom dies, too.
We're worth more than the stories they created about us. We deserved healthy parents as kids, and we deserve to live lives free of toxic people. ❤
Oof! 😮💨🥊 That hit hard. Been no-contact with my father for 3yrs. Always I think he is going to call begging for forgiveness. I don’t even know if he is alive, but I assume I will be angry as well as opposed to being upset. Thank you for sharing! it’s always good to know we are not alone
I cut my mom officially off 10 years ago. I have no regrets!! I do; however, have absolutely no regrets. She has serious control issues and I finally realized that I had to choose between her and my daughter. She was making it extremely difficult to parent my child without constantly second guessing every.
That said, I do constantly wonder how I will feel or react when I get the news. I do know; like you, I feel a lot of anger about so many different things regarding this. I'm bracing myself for the emotional rollercoaster when it happens.
I come from a family of abusers. I’m mostly no contact now and don’t plan on attending any funerals. I don’t want to see any of those people alive or dead. I’m at peace with that.
I am still grieving the family I never had, the family I deserved, the love and care I deserved.
I probably always will but I will not grieve the loss of the people who enjoyed hurting me or those who enabled my abusers.
Thanks a lot actually. You blew it out of the water for me. I'm currently dealing with three parental figures in deep, obstinate denial, and the shit they pulled was genuinely unspeakably abusive. They want to come and pretend none of it ever happened and go through the motions like regular with birthdays and whatever. I'm beyond furious. I might just do a #1 on their place of rest when that day comes. I want to end on a positive so note so many thanks again!
I'm early 30s. Whenever I was around her (mother) I realised that my immune system was fighting itself and shutting down. She always compared me to relatives. Constant beatings from her & shouting when I was a child. All i saw was a scary being that could hit me any time. My anxiety constantly sky high. I was suicid*l for years. She was so desperate she married 3 times to all abusive men. She let pervert men be around me. Police were always at the house. Constant attitude and jealousy from her when I became an adult because I've made better choices and started giving her advice. She always compared me to other relatives. She never let me have boundaries. She turned relatives against me. Always playing victim. She always thought she was right saying 'The bible says honour mother'. I told her that's all crap & respect must be earned. I cut her & the relatives off, went no contact over a year ago and my mind and body are finally healing & my life is getting better, is more peaceful & exciting. I'm so proud of myself ✨
Been no contact with my dad and stepmom for years and haven't seen them since before the pandemic. I felt a sense of relief when I heard from my siblings that the parents were moving out of state because I always had that anxiety of accidentally running into them in public (which has happened a couple times) and having to deal with potential emotional abuse again. Now that they aren't even in the same state as me, let alone the same city, I just feel so much better - like they won't be a problem for me anymore. Somehow, I feel like if I learned one or both of them died, I'd just feel relieved that I'll never have to worry about them again.
As an adult though, I do miss the idea of having even just one parent that could give me guidance and unconditional love when I needed it, which I often end up projecting on my mom, who died when I was 13. My dad (or my stepmom) will never become the person I want or needed. That dream died ages ago. If I want to feel fulfilled in that way, it's likely going to be through found family. Missing the idea of having stable and loving parents doesn't mean you have to accept the unstable ones you were given, or somehow expect that they'll change for you.
Probably from childhood trauma, but I frequently find the idea of having a healthy relationship with your parents to be a foreign concept. Many other friends of mine have also dealt with having strained relationships with their parents, so I end up feeling pre-disposed to expecting that most people don't have positive relationships with theirs either. It's amazing though that people can have so little empathy and perspective yet act so "positively" that this must be some mistake, that people can't possibly have bad relationships with their parents or that they're always capable of unconditional love to their children.
I did not regret cutting contact....but I do feel bad about having needed to accept that they won't change and that every interaction with them would hurt me...and I feel bad about the family i would have needed but never got a chance to have as a child. I have my own family now, made up of friends, my daughter, a partner and my ex husband (we are sharing my daughter and are in good standing with each other)
I hope that anyone else who has had experiences like this, will learn that we have a choice to change who is our family when we become adults. We don't have to endure and tolerate abuse or toxicity for the sake of blood ties.
I've always heard "listen to your parents while you can," but it goes both ways, maybe more often the opposite way: listen to your *children* while you can.
Hella good point.
I went no contact with my mother after my first child was born when I was 37. She was a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, could stay on a fairly even keel while my father was alive and making her take her medication. After he died she stopped taking her meds and that was that. Then she was taken into protective custody by the county she lived in and I was asked to become her guardian. I did, and I don't regret it. By the time she died she had no idea who I was, but we'd become friends of a sort. Still, when she did die I felt the sadness of losing a friend, not the losing of a parent. And she rarely comes to mind. And that actually is the sad part.
The worst grief I’ve ever faced was realizing “I love you no matter what” was a lie. It was the shattering reality that my parents will never try to actually know me, and instead love and grieve over someone who never existed.
I really appreciate you talking about this. I’m considering going “low contact” with my mom right now. I’ve definitely considered no contact as well for the past several years. I came out to my mom as trans when I was 14, and she basically made my life awful for years. As a trans minor, I had no bodily autonomy. She wouldn’t let me get a binder, let alone anything else despite my doctors basically begging. I went through coming out and eventually started medically transitioning on my own. She ended up coming around when I was about 19. Our relationship was still permanently scarred, but at least she was calling me the right name after so many years. And so I dropped my ideas about going no contact.
Then, a couple years ago, I brought up the idea of getting a wheelchair because I was having so much trouble getting around my college campus. I have a degenerative disability, and it was severely impacting my life. She was staunchly against in the whole time, convinced that I would “give up on walking.” Last year, I broke my ankle. I literally could not get to my own kitchen, let alone to classes. She eventually conceded and helped me get a rental wheelchair (which I still had to pay for despite being a full time student…) Almost immediately, she started pushing me to start walking again. Mind you, my physical therapists hadn’t even tried that with me yet. I started walking a small amount the week of Thanksgiving, and she had to come get me. My wheelchair was in her car, and she refused to get it out for me. She effectively forced me to rely on a broken ankle with my already disabling medical issues. I hadn’t had my bodily autonomy taken away like that since she controlled my body when I was a minor. It brought up so much trauma for me. It made me realize that maybe she hadn’t changed that much after all. And maybe I couldn’t trust her to actually put my interests first. I had to beg my dad (they’re divorced) to come get me and take me home just to get my autonomy back.
I actually finally got my own (non-rental) wheelchair just a couple weeks ago with help from my dad. I told my mom afterwards, and she wasn’t thrilled but didn’t fight me on it. I know what she did to me last year was abusive, not to mention how she treated me as a minor (which I’ve barely gone into). I’m considering lowering contact for now and reconsidering in the future. I feel like it’s a red flag that I’m afraid of what she’ll do next, especially if something goes wrong again. Hearing about your experience makes me less scared. Sorry to trauma dump as well lol
Thank you so much for this video. I went no contact with my dad a year ago and I still feel guilty because he's "family". Some relatives think I should talk to him again but he's been nothing but toxic and abusive to me my whole life. In the last year without him I've been the most emotionally healthy I've ever been and I'm growing in leaps and bounds. It helps so much to have the perspective of someone who's walked through this already and a reminder that it's okay to do what I need to do to take care of myself right now
You have integrity from it - skip the regret. I think it's best to draw the line even though it might hurt.
Validating. Thank you and everyone in the comments for validating me and my decision. I thought I already had, but this is so much better.
It's been twenty years no contact with siblings (parents are gone), and I'm about to sell everything and move states away from my home town in Texas to somewhere kinder, knowing I'll never see them again. And I'm okay with that. Thank you all for helping me be even more okay with that. ❤
I went NC with my mom. Three years after I stopped talking to her, she went missing. She was missing for a week and then they found her body.
It’s been 18 years. I don’t regret it for a single second. Letting go of her back then was the best decision I could’ve made regarding that relationship.
OK, this hit a little hard. I have been no contact with my family for a while now. I don't regret it, its really the only choice I could make, but I have to admit to feeling guilty about it. Am I being selfish? Are the things that caused me to go no contact enough to justify going no contact? I mean, people have dealt with far worse from a parent than I experienced. I wasn't sexually abused or physically abused. I just noticed that every time I was around them, I felt like crap. I mean, going into Basic training in the Army was a huge relief to me. I have often thought I should try to establish contact again, but the idea fills me with horror.
So, you know, conflicted.
My grandmother was responsible for three generations of horrendous family trauma and I don't for one moment regret going NC , for not seeing her when she was dying or for not going to the funeral.
She was never going to acknowledge or apologize and was still abusive on her death bed to the very ppl caring for her.
Absolutely no regrets.
Good to know I am not the only one, and yeah, I was a truth teller and even though my family saw it, they all pretended it wasn't happening... Save yourself!! You're just as important as anyone else. And no, I didn't feel a thing when my mother died. Sad but true!