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Narcs don't want solutions. Solving the problem is never a thing but blaming someone (anyone) is everything. As long as the issue remains unresolved, they can milk it for pity and attention.
My Narc father actively refuses to solve his problems. He was getting angry at my mother (also a narc) and me for not helping him out around the house enough. I suggested we get together, make s list of things that need to be done, and divvy it up. He refused. That is not the only time something like that has happened.
The only problems my narc parents will solve are problems that reduce their supply feed. When their supply feed is threatened they are out for blood and will not stop until the supply feed is re-established. But any problem that they can milk for supply will be forcibly kept in place.
My narcissistic mother told me that I had ALWAYS rejected her! I was in my 30's when she told me that. I know I looked at her like she was crazy. It was insane that she could say this outloud and not hear herself say something so ludicrous.
Funny how that works. My parents come up with scenarios about how I’m currently hurting them, by just living my life. It’s bizarre to watch it continue to unfold
Narcissistic parents, aunts, uncles, certain cousins not all... my life in a nutshell. Anyway narcissistic parents and family sucks. Frickin energy vampires! Yes they're either the victim or the hero 😢.
Had no clue whatsoever about narcissistic abuse until the last couple years when a brother used the term referring to someone in the family over the phone. Sent me off on a rabbit hole of learning about PTSD and are sorts of things I had been feeling for a lifetime since a child. Was like a lightbulb went off and the gave me a new outlook on life. Only after I sank into a deep depression for a short period. Family members lost to suicide on both sides. Had to start cutting people off. Super grateful for these videos and help online Jerry Wise!!
This may be the most exhausting aspect of having a relationship with a narcissist. I constantly find myself pondering how life would be had our mother not been so horrible, had our father not been her enabler. I did everything I could think of to love and comfort our mother, but it was all in vain: all it did was give her supply. Though it's very painful, the best thing to do is walk away, let the narcissist carry the relationship.
the problem is the narc mother cannot love even though you shower her with comfort and love. You are the empath, she feeds off you empathy and love, and gets her narc supply. I suspect you too were enabling her. My mother is the narcissist also, and now she has dementia.
@@miriam100ful Yes, the only way to stop the enabling was to walk away, which provoked her to seek supply as a victim of abandonment. All I did was leave the relationship up to her.
Could have been worse. I had 1 covert. 1 malignant. A psychopath golden boy older brother too boot. 44 yrs old still have nightmares and still drift off mentally in waking hrs with nightmare memories
@@miriam100ful my mother has dementia too. I went no contact 2 years ago. She pit us kids against each other, smear campaigns, lies, triangulation, All time, attention , love and focus on her 24/7. Its sad to say that i.cant visit her without PTSD symptoms, anxiety and feeling depressed afterwards for days. ❤ very sad not to visit you own mother!! But, my mental health must come first 😊
I worked for my dad for 10 years. He screamed at me like a banshee at least twice a week for 10 years. I never even got holidays off because I had to spend every holiday with him too. Now he's retired and doesn't understand why our relationship is strained and distant. He tried to "yell" at me over txt recently and I told him I'm not going to have relationships with people who make me feel bad. He said "I never tried to make you feel badly". Anytime I feel guilty about not dealing with him anymore I remember that he also has the memory of screaming at me over 1000 times and he choses to pretend that shouldn't affect our relationship and I don't feel guilty anymore.
What hit me was the fact that “they teach us to be a victim too, and the persecutor”. We feel victimized too quickly with other people at times when it wasn’t personal, or we judge and push people away too quickly as well..
Agreed. I have become a mini-me shithead version of the evil man my mom married. I am constantly walking myself back from getting worked up over made up scandals with everyone and everything.
My mother WAS a victim. She was put into an orphanage at age 2 by her narc mother. Then she lived in a boarding house where she was molested by the “button man”. How do I know all of this? She dumped it all on me. I was supposed to “fix” everything. When I was 13 we switched places. I was the mature one. She died in 2012 and only recently have I begun to reclaim my childhood.
I had to hear about all of my mom's problems from a young age, but she didn't remotely try to protect me from the same things. Yeah she went through a lot of terrible things. But it's not an excuse to treat other people badly. For example, she was SA'd by a family friend from 11-14. When I told my papaw I was being touched inappropriately and uncomfortable with my stepdad when I was 5, they stopped leaving me alone with him but my mom didn't leave him. In fact she married him a few years later and then he ended up in prison for first degree murder not even 6 months later. And I found out she lied to me completely about it because of my grandma in my teens and I happened to ask about it. My grandma had warned her she wouldn't lie to me. I also noticed that my mom specifically seemed to seek out abusive partners. She wants to be the victim. She wants that attention.
I worked with victims of abuse. I was a sexual assault nurse examiner. The abusers would blame the victims, and the victims blamed themselves. There is no shame in being a victim. When there is injustice related to that, it really gets screwed up. I think you have to deal with the manipulation related to accountability and moral injury. The victim was not attacked because of what she was wearing, what she was doing, etc ... It's because someone else wanted control. Same with domestic violence. Kids who are under coercive control and false shame take in the information that they are to blame when the parents are not being accountable for their actions. My parents used to tell me what I think, and I had to be punished and accountable for what she said I thought. Same with actions. I had to be responsible for what she thought I did. It did not matter what evidence was shown that she was wrong. It was definitely an injustice. I think so many people like me get an incredibly anxious trigger when they are accused of something that they didn't do, that they fear they are going to be responsible for. And, even in adulthood, they get consequences of their parents false accusations that they don't want, and should not have to deal with. The only way I know to do it was to get away from them. It's psychological abuse.
You are so right….. 👍 Also at first, we buy the parents’ version that we did something wrong and deserve the abuse., and feel shameful or guilty. To recognize our status as victim can take a long time, But it is a necessary step before giving it up.
After 40yrs of abuse, I finally went NC Feb 2023 with my covert narcissistic mother. I am disabled and homebound and her abuse was affecting my health so badly. After I dumped her she played the victim and cried to the rest of my family and they took her side, including my only child, my adult child whom she brainwashed at an early age against me, and I have not heard from anyone in a year. I have been deathly ill and they don't care. Fine. I have peace from all of them. I have a wonderful husband and friends and don't need abusive narcissists in my life.
I am thankful that your spouse is supportive! 🙏🏻 I had/have repetition compulsion for decades, subconsciously being attracted and overly attached to people who might allow me to solve some unfinished emotional business. I went for the avoidantly attached types, and I knew that the domestic violence indicated something seriously wrong with my family of origin. But, I couldn't put my finger on it for decades. These patterns present so differently in males vs females, I think because of how we are socialized and expected to be. But, eventually I figured it out! One week, both my mother and a boyfriend responded to my sharing of emotions with a DARVO. I checked each against the formula and then it clicked. I'd been dating the male versions of my mother! Absolutely horrifying. My only son loves his grandma so much. His dad became unstable after the baby was brought home, so we had to separate. I have no help, no family, except for my mother. And I'm starting to see that she set my life up this way, that the isolation isn't accidental, that it is on purpose. The entire world changes, when we have just one other person on our team. 😊❤
I remember my mother telling me I always did what I wanted to do while all the while I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to please her! I was so busy doing that, that I was totally out of touch with myself!!
"They're ALREADY off the hook..!" I applauded at my computer screen lol Thanks Jerry. Yesterday I finally told my mom how much she's hurt me and how I'll now be taking space and taking care of myself. Her immediate response was to play victim and saying how hurt she was by how terrible I apparently think of her. Thing is, I love her and think she's overall a loving person. However she hugs with one arm while the other is stabbing you in the back. And I'm finally done playing that game, I'm trying my best to mentally step back and say 'so what?' when she says she never meant to hurt me. She thinks she can insult and then say "but no offense" and get away with it, as I've watched her do for 30 years. Not anymore. I told her she abused me and my dad, I said the things I'd wanted to scream at her since a little kid, like 8 or 9 years old, I figured her out. But then her loving moments would keep me in through adulthood, and because I needed help during covid with my own kids. She helped, but also mocked and judged and demeaned me, making me question my character, my parenting, myself and my husband, about everything and anything. She spewed toxicity about other people or events at me. She got dogs and then abuses them when they get annoying (have needs). Well, she can do that on her own time, not mine anymore. I'm not going no contact though, and so I'm fairly anxious about the fall out from here. We had been interacting with her at least once a week if not more for years. This will be a huge change.. I'm very nervous. But determined. Videos like these have helped me a lot. If you're reading this and considering doing the same, get yourself as calm as possible to do it, like I feel good about how I didn't rage at her. I quietly told her what had happened, and what I was going to do about it. I heard her predictable victimhood and gaslighting, and took it as proof of my doing the right thing, that she really is who I think. She's still trying to make me question my mind. I'm not going to anymore.
Thanks for your post @grump9001 .Totally relate. I live near my mother and have made set boundaries which as predicted isn't respected. Like Jerry says, they don't have to change but I can. I'm very fragile and have my own health conditions going on (late diagnosed autistic/mental health/menopause/on disability). So I do my best to be gentle, caring and patient with myself, look after my physical/metal and emotional wellbeing. And yes good content on youtube is so helpful. Wishing everybody well here.
That’s not a loving mother. She has her hooks in you still. Keep your distance so you can start seeing her more clearly for who and what she is. Safeguard yourself stat!
They have an incredible mean power that those of us who are empaths and caring can't comprehend. It took years.. until my mom's physician....not mine ... Told me that I was being verbally abused by my mom. The physician and I tried to convince her she needed meds, but she insisted both of us were and are out to get her. Yet I still take her to the same doctor...because she can't replace either of us.
Yes, my mother was always the victim of me. I would get lectures from other ppl about fights she started but told ppl I started it. Whatever she said and did to me, she told other ppl I did it to her. Or she would just make stuff up. Then she would say to me, " I told you. You are the problem in our relationship, not me." My memory, according to her is trash, but her memory (when it works for her) is perfected, she can even remember what I said years ago, word for word. Basically, it boils down to, she's always right, my feelings are always wrong, my opinion is always wrong, her abuse was tough love or just she doesn't remember, or I have bad mental issues that have been untreated since I was 7. But, it being untreated isn't a reflection of her bad parenting, it's a reflection on how lazy I am because I never told her I was having delusional episodes.
My brother's in this situation now. He would act strangely since he was 6 or 7. Have fits of rage. By early teens he attacked our oldest brother he said he was an imposter, and not who we thought he was. By mid teens he said he could hear everyone is the neighborhood speaking against him through the window, so he kept it closed, he stayed in bed most days, wouldn't bathe for weeks, didn't want to leave the house. He confronted the neighbors for playing with our plumbing to torment him, because the old radiators made a clanking noise when you turned them on. I'm two years older than him, but I felt something was wrong with him since we were kids. I didn't really understand, I thought he had anger problems and should speak to a doctor like I'd seen on tv. I can remember saying this to our mum various times. She would get angry and accused me of being against my brother, she accused me of thinking I'm better than him and hating him. She shouted at my brothers to if they said they thought something was wrong too. We were kids at this time. She never took him to the doctors. I eventually left home moved abroad. anytime I asked about him my mum would say he's doing really well now, he has a job. But I've moved back to our country and found out it was all a lie. he hardly leaves his room, he hears voices tormenting him and he talks back to them. He struggles to be in the same room as other people. He doesn't take care of himself physically. And is very aggressive. My mum behaves like he doesn't exist, she leaves him in his room and goes about her life, she never took him to the doctors and now he's an adult she can't. She throws tantrums if I try and bring up his mental health. And says she doesn't want to discuss it, that we should understand how hard it is for her to discuss. She got really angry when I tried to get him help, she said I'm complicating things, that it's easier if we leave him to get help himself. When I call her and ask how everything is, she tells me about herself and the cat, she acts as though he doesn't exist. I feel so tormented I can't believe she's left him in this condition for so long. And acts like it's no big deal. I can't bare to speak to her anymore. She accused me of not caring about him anyway because we didnt talk to him, that I'm just being self righteous. but he doesn't talk to anyone. She also accused me and my brother for his condition, she said he listens to us more than her. So maybe if we had encouraged him to get help he woulda done it, Instead we just left it to her to do something. But we were kids at the time. And the truth his, she is the only one that did nothing. My brothers have done numerous things through the years to try and help him. I was abroad and had no idea. But have tried to help since I've come back. I feel so conflicted. I don't want to talk to her anymore.
My sociopathic narc father suddenly croaked from cancer 1½ months ago & he isn't missed, my mom & I are a lot less stressed despite dealing with a bunch of official business.We can feel ourselves gradually starting to heal, we're like 🌺s finally feeling the gentle warmth of the 🌞 after a very long storm.I hope you've been healing wonderfully & I hope that in the coming years we'll heal well too😊👍.
Arguments have always been something to either win at any cost, or run away from completely. There's no value placed on improving the relationship, because if they think it's just fine...it's just fine. If I don't think it's fine, I'm wrong - because the alternative is to admit fault. That's not allowed.
Their Victim Play is so shocking, because they have known you all their lives, and your life. Then suddenly, they are saying things about you that are incorrect descriptions of your character.
I was the scapegoat. I was parentified as my mother's rescuer. Then I rescued her and brought her to our homestead. Suddenly I became the villain. She developed dementia and I reported it to the dmv, what a poor victim of my cruelty she was! It was horrible having her here, so we brought her back to my brother. He let her drive and she ran over her own legs and has been in a coma for weeks.
@moscowcowboy_13 I wasn't there but evidently she didn't take it out of gear or set the brake, so when she got out, she fell and it rolled over both legs 😭😭😭
I’m glad I discovered my folks are narcissists through HG Tudor.. I suspected they were narcs but wanted to confirm it. My therapist actually suggested my father may be a psychopath, but I think he’s just a malignant narcissist.. my mother was worse in ways, too. Craziness. Don’t be a victim, be a survivor and move forward in life. Go through all of the emotions and allow yourself to grieve the loss of what you were supposed to have as a child. Thank you for your message today!
No matter what I say to my mom she doesn't listen I always feel like a broken record she's always makes me as if I'm disrespecting her when really she's the one disrespectibg me. Or everything is my fault I'm 41 this had been going on since I was young my mom can never admit when she's wrong.
Bless your heart, my mom does and has always done the same thing. She does not have dementia yet she questions every thing I say but will listen to ANYBODY else. Claims I don't talk as clearly as others and am the only person she has trouble with on the phone because of my rudeness and uncaring commentary. Without going into all details about my professional/education experience....she blows me off like I'm worthless.
I feel ya on that one it's to hard to explain anything to my family they act like if my inner problems don't matter no one listens I feel alone because I suffer from depression anxiety I over think things my mind doesn't shut off there's 5 of us siblings it's hard dealing with everyone's personality my sisters don't talk to eachother everyone is sperated and don't like each other. My sisters always bullied me and still cut me down.
They are incredibly exhausting. My 'golden child' brother to my narc mom is a relationship that always stood out to me, especially when I was becoming a woman. He was and still is her little minion, I share nothing personal with them and grey rock as much as possible. These people will suck the life out of you and then turn around and criticize you when you are suffering. Stay away and focus on your own life and happiness. These people are sick and DO NOT want to get help.
Look up scapegoat episodes. The mobbing is triangulation, so if there is an episode on that it's got information. I'm the truth telling family scapegoat. According to my family I have mental health issues and that has clouded my memory. I've been a nurse for 30 years, in ER, Cath lab, sexual assault nursing and pediatrics....but according to family gossip, I am crazy. Many nurses are very dysfunctional and co- dependant, I will definitely agree to that. But I do have a SANE certification. (It stands for Sexual assault nurse examiner) 😂 You aren't alone. Just know that. It certainly feels like it though. It still hurts. And it can be very isolating which is the point of it. Like a cult.
“It won’t make my pants fall down!” 😄 That helps so much. I’m still having trouble with the “so what?” mindset. I still have people pleaser tendencies and it’s upsetting if my parents are not pleased with me. I need to focus less on their attitude and more on my choices and the person I want to be, regardless of whether they approve or not.
I think my fathers victim mentality is “I’m a man, I should have been the unquestioned authority in my household, as it was for my father and how I always expected it to be for me. But this modern society has CHEATED me out of that right with this wishy washy nonsense about the rights of wives and children to be treated with basic respect. I HAVE to play mind games, make passive aggressive insults, gaslight, manipulate and cross boundaries, to make up for being cheated out of what was rightfully mine and was stolen from me”
I'm just now beginning to understand all this, and it's revolutionary. Had a conversation with my parent recently and actually began laughing afterwards because the shift in my perspective has freed me totally.
My mom was always the victim. It was always about how she was hurt or how she felt. It was never about anyone else. You couldnt confront her. She would go into absolute hysterics if you did. She loved to threaten suicide and other things too. She somehow was the victim when i brought up how things she did hurting me as a kid. It was always 'i tried my best at the time, i didnt know any better'. You can still apologize for harm you caused, even if you didnt mean to. But she never apologized. Or if she did, it wasnt because she meant it.
Thank you so much for bringing up this angle that Narc parents use Jerry. The timing couldn’t have been better. My mother always acts like the victim whenever she is confronted. She’s an altruistic covert Narcissist and I couldn’t understand for decades why all my lifelong neighbors, extended family and then tragically my one and only son all grew cold towards me. My Fiancés Mother though takes the cake! She exploited him his entire life financially until a year ago upwards 1.8 million dollars and I still am dumbfounded by what he endured, tolerated and basically sacrificed his entire life and soul even after all the physical, emotional, spiritual, mental and financial abuse until he turned 51. She said the most evil things and is basically like a Cult leader that also professes “Christ”. But she butchers the Word of God and Loves her False Teachers with a Passion. He’s gone no contact for nearly 4 months now and she is now playing the “I don’t know why you’re not talking to me and what did I do wrong card”. She says it with such sincerity almost as though she might have severe dementia but she doesn’t have a trace of dementia. While my parents were also awful and they despised me at the age of 7 when I refused to fall in line and I became confrontational and rebellious, My Fiancé spent his life wanting to save his mother and felt it was his job to love and honor her in spite of all her dishonorable actions and ways. He didn’t realize until having some sobriety in hindsight sight that he had become his mother’s Husband and she dominated every aspect of his life but she thinks she’s innocent and Gods Grace is Sufficient for Her.
I remember when my father said to me “and you said to think of you as dead”… ugh sir you literally called me going off for the umpteenth time and said I was dead to you first. He was like well I didn’t say that. Ok, shall we listen to the voicemail where you said it? 🙄….
My mother has played a victim throughout all her life.She neglected her kids yet still never took any responsibility for her actions, admitted aloud she hated and resented me for helping financially disabled father whom she had lots of fights with but projected her own feelings onto me.After almost 20 years of low contact, we are in no contact for an year and seems as its been the best decision after all
Yupp, that's all I did, try to push back on all the labelss and insults picked on me. Eg. My mother "you look like death warmed up". Me "whaaaat, no I don't, but you can't say that to me!" Mum: ........... (cold shoulder) Dad "I'm disappointed in you, hurting mum for no reason. Me: arghghgh
@@Daysleeper1000that’s a tough call and for some reason the covert enablers get under my skin just a little more because they know what’s going on but they’re sneaky and looking out for number 1
In my last "talk", where my siblings did all the talking, I wouldn't fall for my mom's and brother's narc game, not answering or correcting their opinion about me... I turned around and left them all, with a smile. Since, I'm in no contact. And I feel great!
"The Biggest Victim in the Room". I just never realized how bad my parent was until it was 24/7 " poor me".I busted my butt getting his house clean to sell and its like I only washed dishes for him. The garage was his hoarding spot( other men were even overwhelmed cleaning it). He made 50,000 above recommended selling price because of me cleaning decades of filth and grime.I thoughr I was being a good daughter. Now I feel so used and stupid.
DARVO - deny attack reverse victim and offender. Thank God a very nice person at work gave me this acronym. (Aha!) It makes no sense to try to communicate with them. This acronym is SCARY because it is dead on. It is a blue print how my folks behave. There is no point in communicating. They are only going to do this: WHO ME? HOW DARE YOU!
Blaming my mom and hating myself gets me nowhere.... Using crouches (classical literature and classical music) that my mother "gave" me leaves me not looking for the new and real tools move forward.... Ohh, what a perfect victim she was... And going from this point of time and space I should be her caregiver and permanent nurse till she will die leaving me with last bitter words and accusations... But 30 +years I found the answer to all of that injustice and assault.... And I won't be dragged down to the same emotional and mental mess with her, nor with somebody else. I had really enough. Thank you, Jerry
Wow, he totally describes exactly what I deal with when interacting with my parents. Thank you for putting out such great videos for all us out there needing to hear this. This really does help!
Thank you, Jerry. You hit the nail on the head with the advice you shared. When you reach a point that you don't care what they think or how they feel . . . when you can hear them but nothing they say gets under your skin, motivates or depresses you . . . when you don't care if they'll ever change . . . when you accept you have nothing to prove to them and their opinion of you doesn't matter, you'll shift your focus to loving yourself, and then you are free.[]
So True. They dump all their poor me 24/7. Victims of the UPS, chihuaha and telemarketer etc... People who help them beyond requirement are used then backstabbed. Exhausting to hear the constant whining and blame shifting!
You make the most sense! I always said enmeshed parent. symbiotic like a schizophrenic parent. I felt guilty for their feelings. Then we keep repeating that system throughout life. Familiarity creates security! ❤
I think they convince themselves they’re victims as long as they’re not getting their way entirely but even if they were they’d still play it. I wish you’d distinguish more between accountability and blame…
I'm an LMHC that really focuses on childhood trauma and Narcissistic abuse and believe me, trying to separate the difference for my clients between holding the Narcissist accountable and blaming can be tricky. I really like how you explained it here and will likely use this explanation myself in the future.
I love the tennis 🎾 court analogy. Allowing them to be angry on their side of the net. That’s what I’ve been doing. When I realize my mother is upset with me (normally using the silent treatment) I just treat her normally as if nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
This behavior is so obvious now and I just wish everyone could see it. It’s a such a meticulous process to explain this behavior and that’s why we need videos like this. Also I know this is a serious subject but I bust out laughing at the mislead part! Oh I just didn’t know???
As a kid, I had ADHD, a relatively rare form seizures, a bit of autism and chronic insomnia. My mother never took me to a doctor for any of those things. It wasn't adult that I was actually diagnosed. So I had a lot of sleepless nights, sensory issues with food, lights and sound, and was just different than most kids in general. I had these seizures were completely ignored. I faced all this stuff by myself since I can remember with no support. I grew up super fast. On top of that I was the made into the family scapegoat. To this day, 4 decades later, my mom (now in her 80's) tells me that I made her life difficult. The nerve. She's still scapegoating me.
My father who shouldn't be driving after many minor accidents finally clipped a few cars and ran head first into a police car and totaled both cars. Everyone else is at fault, including the police officer . Claims he is the victim.A month prior to that he side swiped my parked car in the drive way and blamed me. Nothing is ever his fault. Run as far and as fast as you can from any Narcissist!
02:15 💡 Recognizing the false victimhood pattern in narcissistic parents. 04:12 🧠 Strategies to handle emotional manipulation: internal boundaries, detachment, and self-differentiation. 06:45 🚫 Avoid overfunctioning and attempting to fix others' emotional states. 08:53 🔍 Understanding how patterns with narcissistic parents may affect current relationships. 10:46 🛑 Differentiating between holding accountable and blaming narcissistic parents. 13:28 🔄 Breaking free from victimhood and blaming to facilitate healing and recovery. 16:05 🌟 Encouraging a shift towards neutrality and understanding that justice is beyond personal control. 18:37 🤔 Reflecting on handling narcissists differently by letting them deal with their own beliefs and emotions.
Every time I told my mom how I felt about something she said to someone about me or something she did to me she'd automatically turn on the water works and tell me how I was being unfair to her.
Happy Valentine's Day Jerry. Many thanks for your continual 'Labour of Love' helping folks to heal from and to avoid future/further suffering from narcissistic abuses that unfortunately are prevelant and many do not even realise that we are victims who need held and can be helped.
That list you have at the beginning are things I have felt and said to people who WERE hurting me but then I get called a narcissist for it by the narcissist. No, I'm not perfect but I change. They don't. I try. They try to get everything thier way. They exist while I'm nothing.
Thank you so much for this video, Jerry. This is exactly what I needed to hear. Your videos are helping me tremendously, and I will check out your program!❤
Found myself needing to view this video, again. Oops, had a really bad Reactive abuse kind of day. Frustrating to find myself here again. Re watched this. Still a wonderful teaching.... if I can just REMEMBER ,how to NOT react to her craziness . Oh well, love you Mr.Wise. thanks again.
I'm an adult who moved back in with my parents around the start of Covid. It has been a battle for my mental health ever since Last night for example was a nightmare. I complained that i had a headache, and my mom said I had brain damage and was going to have a stroke. I told her to not speak negatively over my life. At this point she became very defensive, and told me I was possessed by the devil, I'm ungrateful, and out to get her ( although I've never laid a finger on her). She also said I was poor and sick. My dad came in the room and told me to respect my mother. I said I do my best. I pay rent, I clean after myself, and stay out of the way. It's the disrespect I can not tolerate. He said I may not be smart, talented or capable, but I can be respectful. I simply laughed and said "Yes sir" and went to my room. My headache pounding at this point. They take a moment of weakness and pounce. I need to get out.
My Folks Tried to Use My Granny Passing to Garner Sympathy For Themselves But Growing Up They Always Treated Granny With Disrespect & Utter Contempt .... Because She Tried to Advocate For Us as Kiddos 💞
The adult over 40 is screaming at the 7,8,9... year old. The child is the problem. Not one thing wrong with the screaming out of control maniac. My mother would then sometimes throw and break things, exit the room, leave us to clean it up. No problem, she's fine, nothing wrong with her.
I've meet and have a parent who breaks the law along with other groups, position of power also asking me to.break.the law. absolute disaster of relation mean while.they all get basic needs I do with out . Manipulation is their master hood.
I want to hear your advise about going no contact with narcissistic parents ,before and after going no contact what are the things I should look out for especially if I'm been financially abused for decades 🤔
i am 42. i realized my mother is narcissistic 4 years ago after a terrible marriage i had with my now ex-husband. i always wondered why those two never could stand being in the same room for more than 2 minutes. and it's not like they would roll their eyes and leave they would go into full-fledged war in front of me, the kids...but not if there is someone who is an "outsider". so i searched for help because my ex was making me insane and the more I've learned ...it clicked. my ex is malignant but my mother is covert with the victim complex and she is a suicide attempt victim. it all made sense... the blame placed on me starts before i was even born. i had gone no contact last year and i am really struggling to find myself. thank you so much for these explanations and insights. i have a lifelong programming to unlearn
Failure to practice complete deference translates to "ungratefuleness" or "disrespect" and especially if challenging abusive behavior is considered to be the bad behavior... Yeah. Ok.
Both my parents been married 62 years and trashed and abuse each other . But of course they were amazing parents and when I confronted them I’ve the years they were total denial
My mother that’s all she did … I could get in a car accident , lose my legs , have cancer and she would say “ well I had bad headache the other day “ or well atleast your alive “
Both of my parents are narcissists. My dad is covert and my mom is flaming. It has taken me almost 60 years to figure this out, and they have done unimaginable damage to both me and my younger brother. I'm now in the process of healing and they are getting their just "rewards." I spent months trying to convince them not to get "the CV cure," and they got three each. Now, they're paying for it with their health. Oh well....🤷♀
Yes, same here. All of my immediate fam too the cure too, and their grands. I shared the critical evidence to prove the EVIL plan of control and death, no one could "see" but myself. Peace, love and light sent to YOU.💚
I feel this very much. Both of my parents are cluster B types -- not diagnosed of course, as I'm the only one in therapy to deal with their decades of BS. Fortunately (or not) I managed to stop my mother from taking the cure, but my old man did it anyway despite me providing loads of evidence that the cure was dangerous. Oh well. I'm just the stupid child, what do I know? I wish you the best in your recovery. I'm so proud of you that you're working on yourself. It's never too late to get started and have the life you always deserved.
Good. As far as I know there's no way to get that white crap (it's some kind of malformed protein) out of someone's circulatory system while they are still alive.
It's normal for a teenager to be narcissistic. He will probably grow out of it. Tbh I needed to hear this myself. My youngest son is a jerky teenager also.
@@dreamweaver4188 i think... actually i Know there are some ways my child is a bit stronger & more mature than me. Makes sense because i am doing my best not to perpetuate the nightmares. Good luck on your journey, too. I never seem to stop needing tall boots since it feels like snakes all around.
Narcissist Mother. She only wants good things for me when she is doing good. When her life is crap( which was 95% of the time) she is only hateful to me and acts like I owe her stuff and no one ever helped her in life. The funniest part is she expects me to know what's going on in her life when she doesn't communicate any of it to me(I found out she quit her job 8 months later from my Aunt) she came to visit and did nothing but bitch about her life and having no money and didn't even ask how I was doing and when I start taking about what was going on in my life she cut me off mid sentence and talked about this CZcams weather person for 30 minutes and sadly this was nothing new. When she found out I was going to more money in social security then her she was pissed. I learned a long time ago to set boundaries with her but it still sucks having a completely self absorbed parent. Thanks for letting me rant lol. If you only care for yourself you can't expect others to care for you.
I'm a mushy person,how I've delt with is i can let them know i love them but keeping them pretty far away from me,and engaging with them is me being funny,and shallow.helps me because i know who they are, don't want to have to cut them out.narcistac brother,last kid born,i loved him so much growing up! And will Always ❤❤
Literally just got shoved my mother mind you I have a neck & back injury. Shoved me repeatedly bc she wanted to start a random argument with me I was trying to leave the room. After a few shoves from her I got scared bc of my injuries so I shoved her back. When I admitted I shoved her bc she shoved me & I was scared with my injuries she played victim said I’m lying etc. I’m trapped bc of my injuries I’m now scared I’m in danger not just my mind from her but my whole self.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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Narcs don't want solutions. Solving the problem is never a thing but blaming someone (anyone) is everything. As long as the issue remains unresolved, they can milk it for pity and attention.
Greatly described.
My Narc father actively refuses to solve his problems. He was getting angry at my mother (also a narc) and me for not helping him out around the house enough. I suggested we get together, make s list of things that need to be done, and divvy it up. He refused. That is not the only time something like that has happened.
The only problems my narc parents will solve are problems that reduce their supply feed. When their supply feed is threatened they are out for blood and will not stop until the supply feed is re-established. But any problem that they can milk for supply will be forcibly kept in place.
@@TalkingWeirdStuff24 extremely well said and described! Every comment in this little thread is TRUTH
@@iahelcathartesaura3887 Thank you.
Yupp, I give up, my mother has treated me v badly but she believes she is the victim of me.
Some people will never change
Darvo. It took quite a bit for my counselor to convince me my mother was jealous of me.
My narcissistic mother told me that I had ALWAYS rejected her! I was in my 30's when she told me that. I know I looked at her like she was crazy. It was insane that she could say this outloud and not hear herself say something so ludicrous.
We all had Sadistic , Warped Parentage🫤!
Funny how that works. My parents come up with scenarios about how I’m currently hurting them, by just living my life. It’s bizarre to watch it continue to unfold
Narcissistic parents, aunts, uncles, certain cousins not all... my life in a nutshell. Anyway narcissistic parents and family sucks. Frickin energy vampires! Yes they're either the victim or the hero 😢.
Sometimes they are both victim & hero at once 😢
Same plus sister and ex. Wicked people
Same plus sister and brother. A “jackpot”.
Had no clue whatsoever about narcissistic abuse until the last couple years when a brother used the term referring to someone in the family over the phone. Sent me off on a rabbit hole of learning about PTSD and are sorts of things I had been feeling for a lifetime since a child. Was like a lightbulb went off and the gave me a new outlook on life. Only after I sank into a deep depression for a short period. Family members lost to suicide on both sides. Had to start cutting people off. Super grateful for these videos and help online Jerry Wise!!
Absolutely. Sounds like my destructive family. Both in the inner and outer circle.
This may be the most exhausting aspect of having a relationship with a narcissist. I constantly find myself pondering how life would be had our mother not been so horrible, had our father not been her enabler. I did everything I could think of to love and comfort our mother, but it was all in vain: all it did was give her supply.
Though it's very painful, the best thing to do is walk away, let the narcissist carry the relationship.
the problem is the narc mother cannot love even though you shower her with comfort and love. You are the empath, she feeds off you empathy and love, and gets her narc supply. I suspect you too were enabling her. My mother is the narcissist also, and now she has dementia.
@@miriam100ful Yes, the only way to stop the enabling was to walk away, which provoked her to seek supply as a victim of abandonment. All I did was leave the relationship up to her.
Could have been worse. I had 1 covert. 1 malignant. A psychopath golden boy older brother too boot.
44 yrs old still have nightmares and still drift off mentally in waking hrs with nightmare memories
My mother was a borderline but same dynamic. She was the abuser. Passive stepfather the super enabler. Bio dad deadbeat. I had no resiliency.
@@miriam100ful my mother has dementia too. I went no contact 2 years ago. She pit us kids against each other, smear campaigns, lies, triangulation, All time, attention , love and focus on her 24/7. Its sad to say that i.cant visit her without PTSD symptoms, anxiety and feeling depressed afterwards for days. ❤ very sad not to visit you own mother!! But, my mental health must come first 😊
I worked for my dad for 10 years. He screamed at me like a banshee at least twice a week for 10 years. I never even got holidays off because I had to spend every holiday with him too.
Now he's retired and doesn't understand why our relationship is strained and distant. He tried to "yell" at me over txt recently and I told him I'm not going to have relationships with people who make me feel bad. He said "I never tried to make you feel badly".
Anytime I feel guilty about not dealing with him anymore I remember that he also has the memory of screaming at me over 1000 times and he choses to pretend that shouldn't affect our relationship and I don't feel guilty anymore.
A lifetime on I still hear my long deceased mother screaming at me every day .
I am not saying this in a rude, or Judgey way, but maybe you should go see a therapist
@patriciasimons1873 sure Patricia sure. Maybe work on your delivery.
You have permission to walk away.
@ericb8413 yep I'm already gone. And life just keeps leveling up.
What hit me was the fact that “they teach us to be a victim too, and the persecutor”. We feel victimized too quickly with other people at times when it wasn’t personal, or we judge and push people away too quickly as well..
It's hyper vigilance, another wonderful sympton of narcissistic abuse.
I'm guilty of the pushing away. I fear I will be hurt. And that thought hurts me before I'm even hurt.
Agreed. I have become a mini-me shithead version of the evil man my mom married. I am constantly walking myself back from getting worked up over made up scandals with everyone and everything.
Learned helplessness
True
My mother WAS a victim. She was put into an orphanage at age 2 by her narc mother. Then she lived in a boarding house where she was molested by the “button man”. How do I know all of this? She dumped it all on me. I was supposed to “fix” everything. When I was 13 we switched places. I was the mature one. She died in 2012 and only recently have I begun to reclaim my childhood.
I had to hear about my female parent's traumas from *far* too young an age. It messed me up.
they emotionally dump and weigh you down as a child very sad.
I had to hear about all of my mom's problems from a young age, but she didn't remotely try to protect me from the same things. Yeah she went through a lot of terrible things. But it's not an excuse to treat other people badly. For example, she was SA'd by a family friend from 11-14. When I told my papaw I was being touched inappropriately and uncomfortable with my stepdad when I was 5, they stopped leaving me alone with him but my mom didn't leave him. In fact she married him a few years later and then he ended up in prison for first degree murder not even 6 months later. And I found out she lied to me completely about it because of my grandma in my teens and I happened to ask about it. My grandma had warned her she wouldn't lie to me.
I also noticed that my mom specifically seemed to seek out abusive partners. She wants to be the victim. She wants that attention.
I worked with victims of abuse. I was a sexual assault nurse examiner. The abusers would blame the victims, and the victims blamed themselves.
There is no shame in being a victim.
When there is injustice related to that, it really gets screwed up.
I think you have to deal with the manipulation related to accountability and moral injury.
The victim was not attacked because of what she was wearing, what she was doing, etc ...
It's because someone else wanted control.
Same with domestic violence.
Kids who are under coercive control and false shame take in the information that they are to blame when the parents are not being accountable for their actions.
My parents used to tell me what I think, and I had to be punished and accountable for what she said I thought.
Same with actions. I had to be responsible for what she thought I did. It did not matter what evidence was shown that she was wrong.
It was definitely an injustice. I think so many people like me get an incredibly anxious trigger when they are accused of something that they didn't do, that they fear they are going to be responsible for.
And, even in adulthood, they get consequences of their parents false accusations that they don't want, and should not have to deal with.
The only way I know to do it was to get away from them. It's psychological abuse.
You are so right….. 👍 Also at first, we buy the parents’ version that we did something wrong and deserve the abuse., and feel shameful or guilty. To recognize our status as victim can take a long time, But it is a necessary step before giving it up.
They always want you on their territory (home) so they feel the upper hand and can make you leave whenever the heat is on them. Cruel people!
My mother would come visit me then leave in the middle of the night so I would wake up abandoned. Repeatedly.
After 40yrs of abuse, I finally went NC Feb 2023 with my covert narcissistic mother. I am disabled and homebound and her abuse was affecting my health so badly. After I dumped her she played the victim and cried to the rest of my family and they took her side, including my only child, my adult child whom she brainwashed at an early age against me, and I have not heard from anyone in a year. I have been deathly ill and they don't care. Fine. I have peace from all of them. I have a wonderful husband and friends and don't need abusive narcissists in my life.
I am thankful that your spouse is supportive! 🙏🏻
I had/have repetition compulsion for decades, subconsciously being attracted and overly attached to people who might allow me to solve some unfinished emotional business. I went for the avoidantly attached types, and I knew that the domestic violence indicated something seriously wrong with my family of origin. But, I couldn't put my finger on it for decades. These patterns present so differently in males vs females, I think because of how we are socialized and expected to be. But, eventually I figured it out! One week, both my mother and a boyfriend responded to my sharing of emotions with a DARVO. I checked each against the formula and then it clicked. I'd been dating the male versions of my mother!
Absolutely horrifying. My only son loves his grandma so much. His dad became unstable after the baby was brought home, so we had to separate. I have no help, no family, except for my mother. And I'm starting to see that she set my life up this way, that the isolation isn't accidental, that it is on purpose.
The entire world changes, when we have just one other person on our team. 😊❤
I remember my mother telling me I always did what I wanted to do while all the while I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to please her! I was so busy doing that, that I was totally out of touch with myself!!
I won't turn out the way they are. It's not my fault they are the way they are, and it's not my problem.
"They're ALREADY off the hook..!"
I applauded at my computer screen lol Thanks Jerry. Yesterday I finally told my mom how much she's hurt me and how I'll now be taking space and taking care of myself. Her immediate response was to play victim and saying how hurt she was by how terrible I apparently think of her. Thing is, I love her and think she's overall a loving person. However she hugs with one arm while the other is stabbing you in the back. And I'm finally done playing that game, I'm trying my best to mentally step back and say 'so what?' when she says she never meant to hurt me. She thinks she can insult and then say "but no offense" and get away with it, as I've watched her do for 30 years. Not anymore. I told her she abused me and my dad, I said the things I'd wanted to scream at her since a little kid, like 8 or 9 years old, I figured her out. But then her loving moments would keep me in through adulthood, and because I needed help during covid with my own kids. She helped, but also mocked and judged and demeaned me, making me question my character, my parenting, myself and my husband, about everything and anything. She spewed toxicity about other people or events at me. She got dogs and then abuses them when they get annoying (have needs). Well, she can do that on her own time, not mine anymore.
I'm not going no contact though, and so I'm fairly anxious about the fall out from here. We had been interacting with her at least once a week if not more for years. This will be a huge change.. I'm very nervous. But determined. Videos like these have helped me a lot. If you're reading this and considering doing the same, get yourself as calm as possible to do it, like I feel good about how I didn't rage at her. I quietly told her what had happened, and what I was going to do about it. I heard her predictable victimhood and gaslighting, and took it as proof of my doing the right thing, that she really is who I think. She's still trying to make me question my mind. I'm not going to anymore.
Thank you for your post. I have had a similar experience and see I'm not alone. Thanks
Take care of yourself, you are worth it...
Thanks for your post @grump9001 .Totally relate. I live near my mother and have made set boundaries which as predicted isn't respected. Like Jerry says, they don't have to change but I can. I'm very fragile and have my own health conditions going on (late diagnosed autistic/mental health/menopause/on disability). So I do my best to be gentle, caring and patient with myself, look after my physical/metal and emotional wellbeing. And yes good content on youtube is so helpful. Wishing everybody well here.
That’s not a loving mother. She has her hooks in you still. Keep your distance so you can start seeing her more clearly for who and what she is. Safeguard yourself stat!
They have an incredible mean power that those of us who are empaths and caring can't comprehend.
It took years.. until my mom's physician....not mine ... Told me that I was being verbally abused by my mom.
The physician and I tried to convince her she needed meds, but she insisted both of us were and are out to get her.
Yet I still take her to the same doctor...because she can't replace either of us.
Yes, my mother was always the victim of me. I would get lectures from other ppl about fights she started but told ppl I started it. Whatever she said and did to me, she told other ppl I did it to her. Or she would just make stuff up. Then she would say to me, " I told you. You are the problem in our relationship, not me." My memory, according to her is trash, but her memory (when it works for her) is perfected, she can even remember what I said years ago, word for word. Basically, it boils down to, she's always right, my feelings are always wrong, my opinion is always wrong, her abuse was tough love or just she doesn't remember, or I have bad mental issues that have been untreated since I was 7. But, it being untreated isn't a reflection of her bad parenting, it's a reflection on how lazy I am because I never told her I was having delusional episodes.
OMG, after we twin daughters of different yet equal mothers.
I felt every step of your experiences.
So sorry yet so empathetic regarding your experiences and pain😢
My brother's in this situation now. He would act strangely since he was 6 or 7. Have fits of rage. By early teens he attacked our oldest brother he said he was an imposter, and not who we thought he was. By mid teens he said he could hear everyone is the neighborhood speaking against him through the window, so he kept it closed, he stayed in bed most days, wouldn't bathe for weeks, didn't want to leave the house. He confronted the neighbors for playing with our plumbing to torment him, because the old radiators made a clanking noise when you turned them on. I'm two years older than him, but I felt something was wrong with him since we were kids. I didn't really understand, I thought he had anger problems and should speak to a doctor like I'd seen on tv. I can remember saying this to our mum various times. She would get angry and accused me of being against my brother, she accused me of thinking I'm better than him and hating him. She shouted at my brothers to if they said they thought something was wrong too. We were kids at this time. She never took him to the doctors. I eventually left home moved abroad. anytime I asked about him my mum would say he's doing really well now, he has a job. But I've moved back to our country and found out it was all a lie. he hardly leaves his room, he hears voices tormenting him and he talks back to them. He struggles to be in the same room as other people. He doesn't take care of himself physically. And is very aggressive. My mum behaves like he doesn't exist, she leaves him in his room and goes about her life, she never took him to the doctors and now he's an adult she can't. She throws tantrums if I try and bring up his mental health. And says she doesn't want to discuss it, that we should understand how hard it is for her to discuss. She got really angry when I tried to get him help, she said I'm complicating things, that it's easier if we leave him to get help himself. When I call her and ask how everything is, she tells me about herself and the cat, she acts as though he doesn't exist. I feel so tormented I can't believe she's left him in this condition for so long. And acts like it's no big deal. I can't bare to speak to her anymore. She accused me of not caring about him anyway because we didnt talk to him, that I'm just being self righteous. but he doesn't talk to anyone. She also accused me and my brother for his condition, she said he listens to us more than her. So maybe if we had encouraged him to get help he woulda done it, Instead we just left it to her to do something. But we were kids at the time. And the truth his, she is the only one that did nothing. My brothers have done numerous things through the years to try and help him. I was abroad and had no idea. But have tried to help since I've come back. I feel so conflicted. I don't want to talk to her anymore.
My narc has been dead and buried since 1994 and I miss nothing about her.
I understand
My sociopathic narc father suddenly croaked from cancer 1½ months ago & he isn't missed, my mom & I are a lot less stressed despite dealing with a bunch of official business.We can feel ourselves gradually starting to heal, we're like 🌺s finally feeling the gentle warmth of the 🌞 after a very long storm.I hope you've been healing wonderfully & I hope that in the coming years we'll heal well too😊👍.
This is the only way my mom knows how to function. Being raised this way..i have to fight becoming like this myself
Jerry I needes that, "they're already off the hook, you can't make them get on the hook" another Jerry nugget to tuck in my jar of healing.
Arguments have always been something to either win at any cost, or run away from completely. There's no value placed on improving the relationship, because if they think it's just fine...it's just fine. If I don't think it's fine, I'm wrong - because the alternative is to admit fault. That's not allowed.
Sounds exatly like my mother. Toxic as hell.
Their Victim Play is so shocking, because they have known you all their lives, and your life. Then suddenly, they are saying things about you that are incorrect descriptions of your character.
I really got swallowed up in the system dynamic for years. Almost unbelievable how far it can get in a warped reality
I was the scapegoat. I was parentified as my mother's rescuer. Then I rescued her and brought her to our homestead. Suddenly I became the villain. She developed dementia and I reported it to the dmv, what a poor victim of my cruelty she was! It was horrible having her here, so we brought her back to my brother. He let her drive and she ran over her own legs and has been in a coma for weeks.
sorry to hear this...I hear alot of parents with these personality traits often develop dementia.... very interesting
How did she run over her own legs?
@moscowcowboy_13 I wasn't there but evidently she didn't take it out of gear or set the brake, so when she got out, she fell and it rolled over both legs 😭😭😭
I’m glad I discovered my folks are narcissists through HG Tudor.. I suspected they were narcs but wanted to confirm it. My therapist actually suggested my father may be a psychopath, but I think he’s just a malignant narcissist.. my mother was worse in ways, too. Craziness. Don’t be a victim, be a survivor and move forward in life. Go through all of the emotions and allow yourself to grieve the loss of what you were supposed to have as a child. Thank you for your message today!
No matter what I say to my mom she doesn't listen I always feel like a broken record she's always makes me as if I'm disrespecting her when really she's the one disrespectibg me. Or everything is my fault I'm 41 this had been going on since I was young my mom can never admit when she's wrong.
Bless your heart, my mom does and has always done the same thing.
She does not have dementia yet she questions every thing I say but will listen to ANYBODY else. Claims I don't talk as clearly as others and am the only person she has trouble with on the phone because of my rudeness and uncaring commentary.
Without going into all details about my professional/education experience....she blows me off like I'm worthless.
I'm 65
I feel ya on that one it's to hard to explain anything to my family they act like if my inner problems don't matter no one listens I feel alone because I suffer from depression anxiety I over think things my mind doesn't shut off there's 5 of us siblings it's hard dealing with everyone's personality my sisters don't talk to eachother everyone is sperated and don't like each other. My sisters always bullied me and still cut me down.
Don’t associate with her, simple.
@@Masterdebator881 Very true
They are incredibly exhausting. My 'golden child' brother to my narc mom is a relationship that always stood out to me, especially when I was becoming a woman. He was and still is her little minion, I share nothing personal with them and grey rock as much as possible. These people will suck the life out of you and then turn around and criticize you when you are suffering. Stay away and focus on your own life and happiness. These people are sick and DO NOT want to get help.
So true.
Jerry you should do one on family mobbing /ostracizing ..what I’m going through 😞
Look up scapegoat episodes.
The mobbing is triangulation, so if there is an episode on that it's got information.
I'm the truth telling family scapegoat. According to my family I have mental health issues and that has clouded my memory.
I've been a nurse for 30 years, in ER, Cath lab, sexual assault nursing and pediatrics....but according to family gossip, I am crazy. Many nurses are very dysfunctional and co- dependant, I will definitely agree to that.
But I do have a SANE certification. (It stands for Sexual assault nurse examiner) 😂
You aren't alone. Just know that. It certainly feels like it though. It still hurts. And it can be very isolating which is the point of it. Like a cult.
“It won’t make my pants fall down!” 😄 That helps so much. I’m still having trouble with the “so what?” mindset. I still have people pleaser tendencies and it’s upsetting if my parents are not pleased with me. I need to focus less on their attitude and more on my choices and the person I want to be, regardless of whether they approve or not.
This is why I quit work and school 15- 20 yrs ago society is full of these people
They are nothing but a hindrance to our peace.
I think my fathers victim mentality is “I’m a man, I should have been the unquestioned authority in my household, as it was for my father and how I always expected it to be for me. But this modern society has CHEATED me out of that right with this wishy washy nonsense about the rights of wives and children to be treated with basic respect. I HAVE to play mind games, make passive aggressive insults, gaslight, manipulate and cross boundaries, to make up for being cheated out of what was rightfully mine and was stolen from me”
I'm just now beginning to understand all this, and it's revolutionary. Had a conversation with my parent recently and actually began laughing afterwards because the shift in my perspective has freed me totally.
My mom was always the victim. It was always about how she was hurt or how she felt. It was never about anyone else. You couldnt confront her. She would go into absolute hysterics if you did. She loved to threaten suicide and other things too. She somehow was the victim when i brought up how things she did hurting me as a kid. It was always 'i tried my best at the time, i didnt know any better'. You can still apologize for harm you caused, even if you didnt mean to. But she never apologized. Or if she did, it wasnt because she meant it.
Thank you so much for bringing up this angle that Narc parents use Jerry. The timing couldn’t have been better. My mother always acts like the victim whenever she is confronted. She’s an altruistic covert Narcissist and I couldn’t understand for decades why all my lifelong neighbors, extended family and then tragically my one and only son all grew cold towards me. My Fiancés Mother though takes the cake! She exploited him his entire life financially until a year ago upwards 1.8 million dollars and I still am dumbfounded by what he endured, tolerated and basically sacrificed his entire life and soul even after all the physical, emotional, spiritual, mental and financial abuse until he turned 51. She said the most evil things and is basically like a Cult leader that also professes “Christ”. But she butchers the Word of God and Loves her False Teachers with a Passion. He’s gone no contact for nearly 4 months now and she is now playing the “I don’t know why you’re not talking to me and what did I do wrong card”. She says it with such sincerity almost as though she might have severe dementia but she doesn’t have a trace of dementia. While my parents were also awful and they despised me at the age of 7 when I refused to fall in line and I became confrontational and rebellious, My Fiancé spent his life wanting to save his mother and felt it was his job to love and honor her in spite of all her dishonorable actions and ways. He didn’t realize until having some sobriety in hindsight sight that he had become his mother’s Husband and she dominated every aspect of his life but she thinks she’s innocent and Gods Grace is Sufficient for Her.
I remember when my father said to me “and you said to think of you as dead”… ugh sir you literally called me going off for the umpteenth time and said I was dead to you first. He was like well I didn’t say that. Ok, shall we listen to the voicemail where you said it? 🙄….
Your emotional reactions are their biggest reward, so calmly ignoring them is effective. Their reward system is completely different from ours.
My mother has played a victim throughout all her life.She neglected her kids yet still never took any responsibility for her actions, admitted aloud she hated and resented me for helping financially disabled father whom she had lots of fights with but projected her own feelings onto me.After almost 20 years of low contact, we are in no contact for an year and seems as its been the best decision after all
Yes you have to watch out for being accused of abuse if in your frustration you raise your voice to be heard. It's crazy making.
Yupp, that's all I did, try to push back on all the labelss and insults picked on me.
Eg. My mother "you look like death warmed up".
Me "whaaaat, no I don't, but you can't say that to me!"
Mum: ........... (cold shoulder)
Dad "I'm disappointed in you, hurting mum for no reason.
Me: arghghgh
This is one of the most disgusting behaviors
Not sure what's more horrifying...the abusive one or the disgusting enabler. Nothing worse than a childhood never having protection or safety.
@@Daysleeper1000that’s a tough call and for some reason the covert enablers get under my skin just a little more because they know what’s going on but they’re sneaky and looking out for number 1
@@DragonballSteve83 it's disgusting but 💯agree.
In my last "talk", where my siblings did all the talking, I wouldn't fall for my mom's and brother's narc game, not answering or correcting their opinion about me... I turned around and left them all, with a smile. Since, I'm in no contact. And I feel great!
"The Biggest Victim in the Room". I just never realized how bad my parent was until it was 24/7 " poor me".I busted my butt getting his house clean to sell and its like I only washed dishes for him. The garage was his hoarding spot( other men were even overwhelmed cleaning it). He made 50,000 above recommended selling price because of me cleaning decades of filth and grime.I thoughr I was being a good daughter. Now I feel so used and stupid.
It's OK, just don't do it again. Learn from it.
DARVO - deny attack reverse victim and offender. Thank God a very nice person at work gave me this acronym. (Aha!) It makes no sense to try to communicate with them. This acronym is SCARY because it is dead on. It is a blue print how my folks behave. There is no point in communicating. They are only going to do this: WHO ME? HOW DARE YOU!
My 90 year old mother claims she remembers everything clearly and that I must have "false" memories.
yes agreed. Narc mother has always played the victim.
They play victim because they don't protect their child from breaking the cycle.
Blaming my mom and hating myself gets me nowhere....
Using crouches (classical literature and classical music) that my mother "gave" me leaves me not looking for the new and real tools move forward....
Ohh, what a perfect victim she was... And going from this point of time and space I should be her caregiver and permanent nurse till she will die leaving me with last bitter words and accusations...
But 30 +years I found the answer to all of that injustice and assault.... And I won't be dragged down to the same emotional and mental mess with her, nor with somebody else. I had really enough.
Thank you, Jerry
Wow, he totally describes exactly what I deal with when interacting with my parents. Thank you for putting out such great videos for all us out there needing to hear this. This really does help!
Im too poor to get real help, but your videos are helping me recover and when I am financially able, I'm buying your program. Thank you!!!
my narc mother would fake cry when i figure things out wouldnt cry back her demeanor would change
Thank you, Jerry. You hit the nail on the head with the advice you shared. When you reach a point that you don't care what they think or how they feel . . . when you can hear them but nothing they say gets under your skin, motivates or depresses you . . . when you don't care if they'll ever change . . . when you accept you have nothing to prove to them and their opinion of you doesn't matter, you'll shift your focus to loving yourself, and then you are free.[]
So True. They dump all their poor me 24/7. Victims of the UPS, chihuaha and telemarketer etc... People who help them beyond requirement are used then backstabbed. Exhausting to hear the constant whining and blame shifting!
Those who can't control themselves have a desperate need to control others.
You make the most sense! I always said enmeshed parent. symbiotic like a schizophrenic parent. I felt guilty for their feelings. Then we keep repeating that system throughout life. Familiarity creates security! ❤
I think they convince themselves they’re victims as long as they’re not getting their way entirely but even if they were they’d still play it. I wish you’d distinguish more between accountability and blame…
I'm an LMHC that really focuses on childhood trauma and Narcissistic abuse and believe me, trying to separate the difference for my clients between holding the Narcissist accountable and blaming can be tricky. I really like how you explained it here and will likely use this explanation myself in the future.
I love the tennis 🎾 court analogy. Allowing them to be angry on their side of the net.
That’s what I’ve been doing. When I realize my mother is upset with me (normally using the silent treatment) I just treat her normally as if nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
Thank you for your very accurate “words of wisdom “ . Happy Valentine’s Day, as well.
Same to you!
@@jerrywise thank you
This behavior is so obvious now and I just wish everyone could see it. It’s a such a meticulous process to explain this behavior and that’s why we need videos like this. Also I know this is a serious subject but I bust out laughing at the mislead part! Oh I just didn’t know???
As a kid, I had ADHD, a relatively rare form seizures, a bit of autism and chronic insomnia. My mother never took me to a doctor for any of those things. It wasn't adult that I was actually diagnosed. So I had a lot of sleepless nights, sensory issues with food, lights and sound, and was just different than most kids in general. I had these seizures were completely ignored. I faced all this stuff by myself since I can remember with no support. I grew up super fast. On top of that I was the made into the family scapegoat. To this day, 4 decades later, my mom (now in her 80's) tells me that I made her life difficult. The nerve. She's still scapegoating me.
And this is how you end up with society watching as someone becomes a lifelong homeless at 60 talking about how their life could've been.
Never been a parent,
Thank God!
I am grateful for your wisdom and teaching , thank you❤
My father who shouldn't be driving after many minor accidents finally clipped a few cars and ran head first into a police car and totaled both cars. Everyone else is at fault, including the police officer . Claims he is the victim.A month prior to that he side swiped my parked car in the drive way and blamed me. Nothing is ever his fault. Run as far and as fast as you can from any Narcissist!
Word for word. Using DARVO!! My father to a tee. It used to absolutely infuriate me. Now, at 62 I’m finally wise to this.
02:15 💡 Recognizing the false victimhood pattern in narcissistic parents.
04:12 🧠 Strategies to handle emotional manipulation: internal boundaries, detachment, and self-differentiation.
06:45 🚫 Avoid overfunctioning and attempting to fix others' emotional states.
08:53 🔍 Understanding how patterns with narcissistic parents may affect current relationships.
10:46 🛑 Differentiating between holding accountable and blaming narcissistic parents.
13:28 🔄 Breaking free from victimhood and blaming to facilitate healing and recovery.
16:05 🌟 Encouraging a shift towards neutrality and understanding that justice is beyond personal control.
18:37 🤔 Reflecting on handling narcissists differently by letting them deal with their own beliefs and emotions.
Treated us like shit our whole lives and now expect us to empathize for the karma they deserve.
Exactly.
Every time I told my mom how I felt about something she said to someone about me or something she did to me she'd automatically turn on the water works and tell me how I was being unfair to her.
My mother is like this she is a Narcissist
Everything you have brought up has been spot on !
Happy Valentine's Day Jerry. Many thanks for your continual 'Labour of Love' helping folks to heal from and to avoid future/further suffering from narcissistic abuses that unfortunately are prevelant and many do not even realise that we are victims who need held and can be helped.
wow this helped me a lot...thank you!
I'm so glad!
That list you have at the beginning are things I have felt and said to people who WERE hurting me but then I get called a narcissist for it by the narcissist. No, I'm not perfect but I change. They don't. I try. They try to get everything thier way. They exist while I'm nothing.
Thank you so much for this video, Jerry. This is exactly what I needed to hear. Your videos are helping me tremendously, and I will check out your program!❤
This is how children of narcissists feel
Found myself needing to view this video, again. Oops, had a really bad
Reactive abuse kind of day. Frustrating to find myself here again. Re watched this. Still a wonderful teaching.... if I can just REMEMBER ,how to NOT react to her craziness . Oh well, love you Mr.Wise. thanks again.
painful, resonates, much appreciated Jerry for your insights as always.
I'm an adult who moved back in with my parents around the start of Covid. It has been a battle for my mental health ever since
Last night for example was a nightmare. I complained that i had a headache, and my mom said I had brain damage and was going to have a stroke. I told her to not speak negatively over my life. At this point she became very defensive, and told me I was possessed by the devil, I'm ungrateful, and out to get her ( although I've never laid a finger on her). She also said I was poor and sick. My dad came in the room and told me to respect my mother. I said I do my best. I pay rent, I clean after myself, and stay out of the way. It's the disrespect I can not tolerate. He said I may not be smart, talented or capable, but I can be respectful. I simply laughed and said "Yes sir" and went to my room. My headache pounding at this point. They take a moment of weakness and pounce. I need to get out.
You need to pray… it costs nothing and God can take you out of any darkness. Trust!
Inspiring and informative...TY
Thank you! 🙏
My Folks Tried to Use My Granny Passing to Garner Sympathy For Themselves But Growing Up They Always Treated Granny With Disrespect & Utter Contempt .... Because She Tried to Advocate For Us as Kiddos 💞
I hate life.
Don't worry, it's temporary
Do the things that bring you joy.
Isn’t this just gross 😷 to endure.
Thank you Jerry you are a gift from God thank you so much for your kind support I really appreciate the help God bless you
The adult over 40 is screaming at the 7,8,9... year old. The child is the problem. Not one thing wrong with the screaming out of control maniac. My mother would then sometimes throw and break things, exit the room, leave us to clean it up. No problem, she's fine, nothing wrong with her.
Jesus, that was my life too. Go to school, become anxious on the way home and find my room destroyed and told "look what you caused! Figure it out!"
I've meet and have a parent who breaks the law along with other groups, position of power also asking me to.break.the law. absolute disaster of relation mean while.they all get basic needs I do with out . Manipulation is their master hood.
I want to hear your advise about going no contact with narcissistic parents ,before and after going no contact what are the things I should look out for especially if I'm been financially abused for decades 🤔
Try a boundary with them, they'll become an instant victim.
Thank you as always, Mr. Wise!
My pleasure!
i am 42. i realized my mother is narcissistic 4 years ago after a terrible marriage i had with my now ex-husband. i always wondered why those two never could stand being in the same room for more than 2 minutes. and it's not like they would roll their eyes and leave they would go into full-fledged war in front of me, the kids...but not if there is someone who is an "outsider". so i searched for help because my ex was making me insane and the more I've learned ...it clicked. my ex is malignant but my mother is covert with the victim complex and she is a suicide attempt victim. it all made sense... the blame placed on me starts before i was even born. i had gone no contact last year and i am really struggling to find myself. thank you so much for these explanations and insights. i have a lifelong programming to unlearn
This! Spot on. Thank you!
Failure to practice complete deference translates to "ungratefuleness" or "disrespect" and especially if challenging abusive behavior is considered to be the bad behavior... Yeah. Ok.
So true!❤😢❤
Both my parents been married 62 years and trashed and abuse each other . But of course they were amazing parents and when I confronted them I’ve the years they were total denial
This is so succint and brilliant. TY!
My mother that’s all she did … I could get in a car accident , lose my legs , have cancer and she would say “ well I had bad headache the other day “ or well atleast your alive “
Both of my parents are narcissists. My dad is covert and my mom is flaming. It has taken me almost 60 years to figure this out, and they have done unimaginable damage to both me and my younger brother. I'm now in the process of healing and they are getting their just "rewards." I spent months trying to convince them not to get "the CV cure," and they got three each. Now, they're paying for it with their health. Oh well....🤷♀
You can’t see it when you’re in it 😔
Yes, same here. All of my immediate fam too the cure too, and their grands. I shared the critical evidence to prove the EVIL plan of control and death, no one could "see" but myself. Peace, love and light sent to YOU.💚
I feel this very much. Both of my parents are cluster B types -- not diagnosed of course, as I'm the only one in therapy to deal with their decades of BS.
Fortunately (or not) I managed to stop my mother from taking the cure, but my old man did it anyway despite me providing loads of evidence that the cure was dangerous. Oh well. I'm just the stupid child, what do I know?
I wish you the best in your recovery. I'm so proud of you that you're working on yourself. It's never too late to get started and have the life you always deserved.
Good. As far as I know there's no way to get that white crap (it's some kind of malformed protein) out of someone's circulatory system while they are still alive.
"They're already off the hook!"
It's normal for a teenager to be narcissistic. He will probably grow out of it. Tbh I needed to hear this myself. My youngest son is a jerky teenager also.
@@dreamweaver4188 i think... actually i Know there are some ways my child is a bit stronger & more mature than me. Makes sense because i am doing my best not to perpetuate the nightmares. Good luck on your journey, too. I never seem to stop needing tall boots since it feels like snakes all around.
Narcissist Mother. She only wants good things for me when she is doing good. When her life is crap( which was 95% of the time) she is only hateful to me and acts like I owe her stuff and no one ever helped her in life. The funniest part is she expects me to know what's going on in her life when she doesn't communicate any of it to me(I found out she quit her job 8 months later from my Aunt) she came to visit and did nothing but bitch about her life and having no money and didn't even ask how I was doing and when I start taking about what was going on in my life she cut me off mid sentence and talked about this CZcams weather person for 30 minutes and sadly this was nothing new. When she found out I was going to more money in social security then her she was pissed. I learned a long time ago to set boundaries with her but it still sucks having a completely self absorbed parent. Thanks for letting me rant lol. If you only care for yourself you can't expect others to care for you.
I'm a mushy person,how I've delt with is i can let them know i love them but keeping them pretty far away from me,and engaging with them is me being funny,and shallow.helps me because i know who they are, don't want to have to cut them out.narcistac brother,last kid born,i loved him so much growing up! And will Always ❤❤
You are very Wise.
This video is just what I needed to hear right now dealing with my Narcissistic father. Thank you. 🙏
Amen over 50 years of experience with my father's narcissistic psychopathic companion.
Literally just got shoved my mother mind you I have a neck & back injury. Shoved me repeatedly bc she wanted to start a random argument with me I was trying to leave the room. After a few shoves from her I got scared bc of my injuries so I shoved her back. When I admitted I shoved her bc she shoved me & I was scared with my injuries she played victim said I’m lying etc. I’m trapped bc of my injuries I’m now scared I’m in danger not just my mind from her but my whole self.