Dismissive Avoidant No Contact | What Your Ex Is Feeling!
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- čas přidán 15. 06. 2024
- No contact with a dismissive avoidant ex is one of the hardest experiences. During this time, you may wonder what they're feeling or thinking and that's exactly what this video covers.
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open.spotify.com/show/6Zn3NnV...
00:00 Intro
00:43 What Is No Contact?
01:12 Phase 1 - Relief Phase
07:47 Phase 2 - Suppression Phase
10:17 Free 14-Day No Contact Journal
10:47 Creature Comforts
13:57 Phase 3 - Moving On Phase
18:50 Phase 4 - Nostalgia Phase
22:22 Book A 1-1 Session With Me
22:35 Outro
the more i analyze love and dating in this day and age, i have decided to aim for becoming a hermit and live in the woods alone for the rest of my life.
I totally agree with you.
For real. It's sad.
Anything can be analyzed until it's spoiled, love is meant to be experienced not fully understood, society is awful but there are still wonderful individuals, don't lose hope
Incel epidemic
Me tooo!!!!
When anxious attachers turn into avoidants BECAUSE of being traumatized by an avoidant. ..
🙋🏻♀️
i have actually noticed myself doing this.
That very scenario happened to a close friend 😉
And... you're now a bigger problem 😆. Just get therapy!
I am afraid i would end up an avoidant myself as i am too scared to be with someone now.
I got tired of the 'no contact' crap everytime he couldn't sit there and discuss issues like an adult, but ran away like a child with his hands over his ears! I flipped the script and returned 'no contact'....forever!
Same, it took time but now I can breathe
Same!! I totally understand....so painful 😢 Avoidants (mine) don't have or understand emotions .....so easy it seems to dismiss/detatch/run!! I've had to ignore any contact....for my own sanity😢
Right they are not worth your time
I won’t even acknowledge their existence once they go.
I soooo agree! My guy use to.put his hands over his ears all the time, weather I was trying to be clam & rational or not. It didn't matter! I got so tired of this childish behavior, oh but, when they're ready to express themselves, they have the need to be heard and HATE it if you ignore them, smh 🤦🏽♀️
My avoidant ex said all his exes were anxious…. Now I think we all got our anxiety exacerbated because of him
😅😅😅😅😅😅 so true.
Most likely you're right
Lmao
Same big red flag as "All my (female) exes are crazy"
Narcissism and avoidance often arise from the same wounds. But we can't heal them. They have to heal themselves.
Excellent video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my marriage of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her/him?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
I have 5 years relationship when we ended 'up I keep trusting God. I allow God to heal me. Try to listen a love song and meditate it if you want to cry just cry....that's makes you relieve. ❤
It's funny because I have dated two avoidant guys and both of them swore they thought of themselves as being blunt and direct but ultimately they were big avoidants!
And so healed and ready for the real love i gave 😂😂😂😂
Red flag from now on.
The girl I was talking to was the same way. She loved a good dare but ask her to be real with you. Yeah nope not happening
Omg same!!!!
Facing the same issue now . I am dumb founded
Well, they are.. When it comes to things non emotional or vulnerable.. They can be harsh and direct. The moment it comes to feelings they can still get harsh and direct in a dismissive manner or in setting boundries. Anyways the directness is gone when it comes to their needs and feelings than you see more passive aggressive or talking indirectly about a topic, only sharing a part of the story or ignoring it and all that stuff.
I don't do "no contact". Doesn't work anyway. I give my 100% and more to make a relationship work. And if thats still not working, its "be done" phase. No looking back. Hence be done and congratulate your avoidant ex because he finally fulfilled his destiny to avoid you and your love.
Totally agree
Congratulations you played yourself and sadly hurt someone in the process. Your message made me laugh. Thank you I needed that 😂
@@HoneybeeHearts52not a single neuron in your cranial cavity........
Define "work". If you want to get over them it absolutely does. If you expect it to work by getting them back... there is never any guarantee with an avoidant. But at least you dont look desperate and send the message that rheir behavior is okay with you and you have the upper hand.
Damn I wish the girls in the comments think like these girl that cause so much hurt
I think a lot of people who are labelled an “anxious attacher” actually aren’t always that way before dating a dismissive avoidant. I mean - most people want to feel love from someone they care about right?
I think there’s a difference between someone who is in a stable relationship but constantly needs attention, and someone who is normally quite independent but is asking for basically the bare minimum from their avoidant partner, which in turn is making them anxious about their partners devotion to them.
Hear hear. Totally and utterly agree!
@@FurryNudez she sounds absolutely crazy to be honest. I’d just not have any contact with her at all
@@FurryNudez because of the way you’re describing her… how she’s reaching out and then pretending not to know you, saying stuff that you know isn’t true. You’re portraying her in that way and then defending her when someone else calls her behaviour out… maybe you need to evaluate the situation as a whole and if her actions are healthy ones to have in your life
100%😊
Wow. You said that right! Spot on.
He won't find another one like me 💖
Wouldn’t that be the point. To find somebody who won’t be a let down next time 🤔
@@teriodadon7778 yes, so it's his loss
Facts he won’t that’s how I feel.
Exactly, it's his loss.
facts I was the upgrade for him so he will feel it
4 years…One day “I can’t believe that I have you, I always wonder if this isn’t just a really good dream” the next day “I think this relationship has run its course.”
This really hits home. I got so many "What did I do to deserve you?" and "You're perfect" speeches (no exaggeration) and then boom, ice cold, break up, then no contact. This was my first time in a relationship with a DA; I'm a secure type. It absolutely shook me to my foundations. But I have moved on entirely.
@brianm5637
mine said very similar words.
Oh my, exactly! Glad I'm not the only one out there. My husband is this way. I'm done. Keeping strong.
@@rapthemusicalso I felt that way about a girl I was talking to, I thought she was perfect & would let her know. Then when I found more about her, I ended up losing interest & couldn’t do anything about it. I actually thought I was ready for a relationship after some time of isolation but then that happened. Point is that we aren’t all bad guys which is what people seem to think. I am self aware & don’t want to get into anything because I don’t want to hurt anyone. I try to work on myself but sometimes I feel it’s hopeless & I should just be on my own even though I crave real love & connection. We’re all human really
@@mexican_wbc9946 I never said she was evil. The fact is I don’t know what she is. She blocked me and ghosted me.
the avoidance is what hurts the most and especially when they said "they cared so much about you" its straight evil they are basically saying f*ck my emotions - ok f*ck yours too - I am avoiding them now FOREVER. I definitely don't want an "avoidant" ever again!!
Amen
So true
Me too, she left me on my exam week. Need to supress all the feeling for my bachelor.
I've heard so many stories just like yours growing up. The dating scene is all manners of f***ed up and got even worse 10 fold with online dating. I'm 35 and been single my whole life. Its a sick game of "say all the right things to get you into bed" Men teaching men to be players. and women teaching women to be boss babes and bad bitches.... Men like me are throwing in the towel and turning tail because there is no winning in a game that's rigged from the start. The Nuclear family is nothing but a pipe dream for most.... With more focus on lust than love, and dating coaches convincing everyone to "make sure that spark is there".....
If they say all the right things.... ITS A DAMN TRAP!
Me too, they're evil. Wasn't a boyfriend but who I considered my best friend. She was so dissmisive in the last convo we had when she decided we "took distance". I litt had to go to psiquiatric help and get meds. I miss her horribly but at the same time I dont thnk I want to see her ever again.
As a former avoidant this is so accurate. At first when you break up you actually feel a relief. For a long period of time there is no emotion about it at all, there’s a sense of getting yourself back. Then at some point you’ll start thinking about the ex again and remembering the good times. Next stage you’ll have some kind of trigger where the emotion of the breakup with hit you harder, then you get very nostalgic about it and start to yearn for the relationship again and beat yourself up for how you acted. It’s actually a horrible way to live your life and can end up in a really dark place.
I hope he regrets losing me, I will find someone deserving of my awesomeness. Sad thing is he deserved it but couldn’t get out of his own way
I struggle with hearing how there’s a sense of “relief” after losing someone who was important in your life regardless of the attachment style. To credit the breakup for forward movement and progress in life seems like accountability isn’t taken since you could have faced challenges together if direct communication and honesty was present. Only then could there be a real chance at saving a relationship which naturally creates a healthier environment to grow alongside one another. People aren’t easily replaceable and I think social media makes us all believe we can just continue restarting with new people carrying old issues.
but not horrible to reach out and mend things with the ex, right?
@@13sprintusermost of them don’t overcome the shame. They are wounded creatures just like the rest of us and trauma creates shame.
Good! Some people need to hit rock bottom in order to Change.
avoidants can turn secure people anxious, even avoidant, themselves. never again. i will just walk away next time the first few red flags appear. wasted so much time, effort, money and love on her. i lost everything. what a fool i was.
Having the same problem here.
Hope you're doing better now.
Hope you heal from this
Don't blame yourself you did your best sadly we have to learn the hard way
Im healing from the same thing … also we aren’t the fools for being willing to love. We’re the rare brave ones. It’s the avoidant who is the fool they turn love away to look cool. It’s their loss, literally.
I’m a secure attachment style and dated an avoidant! He brought out the anxious in me and I had to let go!
Here here brother (and/or sister we don’t discriminate here)
@@sparky6743 exactly 100%
Same
I really pray he gets the help he needs. I really loved him.
Thanks for sharing- empathy seems to get covered by bitterness in a lot of cases.
Same❤
Same
Same
@@listeningbrenthat's right, I can see that here in the comments too. However, especially if you are a compassionate person, this anger and bitterness after a torturous relationship helps to avoid the avoidants and to break the cycle of falling for them again and again before they started healing/are healed. It's a bit harsh at times but maybe necessary?
So the bottom line is that they have in general a great time with no suffering or regrets whatsoever.
Which leaves one feeling like some putrid worthless trash.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.porass. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this
Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is dr.porass.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I will no longer waste time trying to understand someone that gave up on the relationship. Any moments of clarity or enlightenment that I have will only be for my benefit, and the benefit of my future relationships regardless of the dynamic, there’s no point in holding a grudge or bitterness but humanizing someone’s cruelty serves no purpose. Those that genuinely want to be in your life or have remorse for their actions will make the effort, it’s a hard lesson to learn sometimes but preserve your dignity and move on. Focus on yourself, that project or hobby you’ve been putting off and take some time to grieve and do some introspection then save your best for the next person who actually deserves it.
❤❤👏👏👏
Thank you, amen 🙏🏼
Yes
Venting…
An avoidant’s cold shoulder is vicious and heartless. I don’t care about the thought process in their head anymore…it’s just cruel.
My ex did this to me 2x. First time was when we were 20-21 years old around Christmas. Appeared and reappeared over text/calls for the next 11 years, then i let him back in, finally. We WERE in a second relationship for 6.5 years this second time around, and I was a fool. A few weeks ago he went ice cold when I brought up commitment (building a future together) and suddenly he just stopped caring/loving, became an asshole, then ghosted me. So strange and cruel and hurtful. Feels like he never cared at all. And I’m pretty sure he’s seeing someone new without giving me proper closure. WHO DOES THIS SHIT? Avoidants, I guess.
Had I known anything about avoidant attachment styles 6.5 years ago, I would not have engaged in a second serious relationship with him. He future faked the whole time making me think he wanted a real partnership and build a home together, forever. What a lie. I never even met a single family member of his. Never visited his home. Didn’t meet his friends. I felt like something must be deeply wrong with me and I just couldn’t see it-even though my other 2 serious relationships proudly let me into their life and family and homes, he let me believe it was me.
I can’t wait for the day i no longer have any feelings for him. In the meantime, these videos help me make sense of things and stop the uncontrollable sobs. 💔
/vent
Thank you for sharing. Its rally exhausting to be with an avoidant but God will heal us.
@@elvirarahic3380 indeed! God bless you!
I’ve surrendered to God in recent days. I trust where He will take me from here on out. ❤️
I really feel for you. Hope that you get the help you need and find a wonderful Secure partner to build a great life with! ❤
My ex did this to me after 40 years
Narcissistic
Dont care not my monkey not my forest, let them sort their issues
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Which they can't.
😂
I love this lmfao. My friends and I always called it “monkey brain”, bc monkey see monkey do. Using not my monkey not my forest from now on
Bam! Mic drop
not my monkey, not my forest LOL I love this quote
avoidants get no second chance with me - your hurt me once ur done BYE
Facts
Sounds pretty avoidant
Lol. One time.? Wow. Aren't you queen of the world.
@GUITARTIME2024 actually I gave in and gave the guy a second chance and he played me again so yeah - one chance is enough - why hurt myself more than once by giving a selfish emotionless person a second chance?
@@ts6394 They will only keep using you.
Unless they put effort on healing, its a doomed and useless cycle to go through everytime. Heal yourself and dont give them any chance back, because they always want to come back.
YESSS! they will never engage differently if they don't willingly dive inward. the Avoidant must be curious about themselves but i've found it's the Anxious one's doing all the work!
@@drexel1976 exaclty. In all honesty the avoidant can fuck all the way off.
They hate therapy. They don't like criticism, but love being critical and analytical of others. So awful and cruel.
@@NinjaOutfitInTheWash indeed!!
this is crazy accurate 😭 Avoidant ex went on 2 international trips within 6 months after our break-up, and we did not take ONE during our 5 years...
Mine met someone then moved into her mansion..In January he went to Aruba! Wtf .We never broke up..he met her at our State Fair..then a week after we went out for my birthday.. I had no clue..she's a 50 yr old rich widow..😮😮
@@brendabahr4736sounds narcissistic
Mine went on more than 3 trips in 6 months, bought a house. Meanwhile I couldn’t even move or function like a normal human being. Avoidants are unbelievably cruel and cold hearted people. I only wish to never encounter one again!
Same with mine
Wow that literally happened to me.
That's why it's said that men come back to late when the woman has already moved on or healed.
yup, ain't nobody got time for their slow-ass (arrested development) emotion-processing time period
They always tried coming back at least 3/4 times. Now, I avoid the avoidants 😅
Avoidants need to be avoided for 100% but at least I turned from anxious attachment style into secure one.
@LoveLeigh313
That's because they know what they had when they were with you- quality they couldn't find in other relationships... You give them chance after chance to re-write those wrongs because you love them, but they never do!
My grandma used to tell me, They never miss the water until their wells run dry!
What happens when you go no contact with an avoidant attachment type? They experience ‘separation elation’. They are probably relieved. Because of their early unaddressed emotional wounds they feel easily overwhelmed when relationships get close. They feel guilty. You going no contact will probably be a relief. Will they feel said? Unless they also have a personality disorder like narcissism or anti social personality for example, they will feel sad and guilty about the relationship not working out. They may with the distance of time come to idealise the relationship you had with them and compare future relationships to the one they had with you regretting that they let you get away. But if you were to come back together your relationship will be the same as before unless they choose to work on their issues and you as their partner work with them on the relationship recognising your own attachment issues and what you bring to the table . Begin with asking yourself, why was I attracted to someone who is emotionally unavailable or distant ? Why would I want to be with someone like that? Or maybe you are securely attached.
No contact is a relief to them. They do feel sad though. But weeks months later and not because it is over but because they are the victim of themselfs again. And start the same bs over again.
Never take them back!!
Boohoo 😂
So well said
That makes so much sense. My ex couldn't stop talking about his ex from 9 years ago and how great she was. I once asked him if he still loved her. To which he said no.
I thought it was great that he still spoke so positively about his ex but as I got to know more it didn't quite add up.
@@thevicariousvouyer ah the classic phantom ex..
They like that...
These people are sick xl..
You can never win...
1000%! I had to learn that last part. Like why would I want someone who was so okay with walking away from me when I needed him most? Who could walk away from me while I was sobbing…yuck. Never want that again.
You forget that some of their "Creature comforts" are all the other "love interests" and superficial connections that they have cultivated even WHILE u were still in a "relationship" to fall back to when they break up with you. Happened with me. As soon as I ended the relatonship after realising it was draining me, and that he was already talking to smb else, he started dating that exact other girl. )))
Although creature comforts usually relate to hobbies, passions, interests or basic needs, people can fill that role if they provide the same feeling of reassurance and warmth that inanimate comforts can offer. Not the healthiest form of a creature comforting, but a creature comforting nonetheless
What a great post. 👍
My avoidant ex broke up with me for the third time last week just when we were planning to live together. And my stupid anxious ass still loves him and wants him back.
Feel this
ohhhaww feel your pain
@@ItalianoWithJodina thanks I'm doing better now
Blocking her on all social media was hard but it also gave me huge relief. No more endless hoping she would reach out. No more feeling weird when she can see my "online" status. It helped.
But that’s exactly what avoidants do. You’re being avoidant yourself. Unless I’m being harassed I have no need to block anyone. My avoidant ex is not blocked for me. Because a normal person should be able to move on while still seeing that other person every day.
After two years (we were long distance so only saw each other every few months), things felt like they were starting to move into a much more open and intimate connection so I asked for a commitment and he told me he loves me, is intensely attracted to me, loves the way I make him feel but that he doesn’t have feelings deep enough to take it to the next level. He said he wants to stay friends and I had to tell him I can’t do that. I’m on Day 8 of no contact and it’s hard but this was very comforting. Thank you.
Same words man! Not enough connection to move in with me. Wtf? After 3 years of love bombing? Thats just sounds as unresolved trauma.
@@paugarciabcn ugh totally! I’m so sorry you went through the same thing. I was so confident in our connection and what I had to bring to the table that I didn’t for one second think he wouldn’t be down to make it more official. I was so surprised when he said that after careful thought he realized he just doesn’t have those feelings for me. This was the most intensely connected relationship I’ve ever had. Our chemistry is insane and we’ve been friends for 15 years. But … he has a lot of unresolved trauma and I’ve done a lot of self help work and he hasn’t.
@@magicisreal111 same here, met his parents and family and was embraced by all of them, but then she got fired, went on a 3 month working holiday, and one day she called to say she no longer had feelings. What a waste, I know someday she will regret it because I gave her everything a woman would want to have from a partner. Support, nurture, protection, fun and great sex. Damn.
@@paugarciabcn ugh I’m sorry. That’s so disappointing.
Red flag. “I love how you make me feel.” Yikes I don’t hear anything about you and your good qualities as a person
Was losing interest until you brought up journaling. This was a suggestion to me some time ago, and now I'm addicted to writing hundreds of words every morning on a daily basis. It's is extremely effective in unknotting thoughts and extracting wisdom. It has occurred to me that many accomplished intellectuals likely have a daily journaling habit. I feel that it will perpetually lead to an upgraded life.
💯
typical avoidant hide in your journal 😂
What a horrible loop anxious attackers get stuck in, chasing honeymoon phase to honeymoon phase. Doomed to live surface level relationships unless they work on themselves. He’s going to be a loser forever, stuck in a victim mindset rather than working through his avoidance patterns, all depressed wondering why it never works out for him when he runs away and sabotages everything of any value in his life. Many anxious attachers create a similar cycle to narcissistic abuse.
They are damaged people and difficult to understand. I am damaged myself.
Thank you for making this video. I have been toiling with confusion, and on the brink of deep depression, due to being blindsided by an avoidant.
Your video gave me the tools to come to the conclusion that I need to make the conscious decision to not allow my self-esteem and sense of self-worth to be impacted by the avoidant person's rollercoaster ride.
I realize that their issues are just that...their own issues. It did not originate with me - because I was perfectly fine with myself before I subconsciously (or unconsciously) gave away my power and emotional autonomy to another person.
I'm getting off the rollercoaster ride, and I'm going to focus on loving myself and taking better care of myself.
Avoidants will never make you happy .... but the rollercoaster is exciting thats how they keep you attached .... Ive finally let go and it feels great!!! she wants me back but the pattern will repeat again and again .
@squidy6785 Same. Exactly same, could have written this comment myself 😭
Avoidants are weak. All my exes who have been avoidant admit their weakness to face tough things. Anxious avoidant are some of the toughest human beings to exist.
Interesting way to put it! I've never thought of it this way before. How are anxious avoidant some of the toughest to exist?
@@healingwithcharlie They have not developed the avoidance coping mechanisms that make compartmentalizing so easy, chunking up stress and practicing escapism to minimize the pain. Anxious types rather face it all at once, learning simply to bear the extreme weight of suffering while continuing the live their lives as best they can. Avoidants are like alcoholics who numb their pain, anxious types are like boxers who get in the ring knowing what they are in for. I'm not saying avoidants dont feel pain, or have some capacity for courage and strength, it's just that their coping style is fundamentally weak. Though note, I haven't said which is a more intelligent strategy... I admire avoidants ability to split things in that regard, but their cowardice far outshines that to me.
I am so pissed at people who know what they are but choose to do nothing about it. I’ve spent 3,5 years in therapy and managed to overcome my mostly avoidant attachment style to give that security to my friends and family and romantic connections. I was in such a great place mentally before I met my ex. And over the last 2,5 years he sucked joy and love out of me to then cheat on me with another woman and say he never made any commitments. He even dared to demand to cater to his needs (and he wants full-time care, attention, prioritisation, for me to be there for him whenever he needs to connect or get support) while having zero security and safety in this relationship. I cannot wait to start healing and to never experience that again
All I wanted from him was a genuine apology 😪
Me too
I thought I got a genuine apology from him 7 months after. Soon after that we were talking again, even though he had already "moved on", and again a year from that. Both times he seemed completely oblivious how it might hurt to talk to me and give hints that he might be interested, only to retreat again when I asked for affirmation. I don't think that apology is so genuine anymore, it doesn't seem like he actually regrets the consequences of his actions
😢 me too
Space out the emotions to deal with....yup that makes sense. I am an "anxious" or at least veer towards that, and i like to get everything out in the open and deal with it all!!!!.My ex left me 5 times in 3 and a half years!!! Finally left me (after just hours before telling me i was their future!!), four days after my Dad got a cancer diagnosis. My Dad died 2 weeks later, and *still* my ex maintained no contact!!!!! It is so rude and self-centred. I know there's tons of reasons behind it, but it's truly horrendous, and leaves those of us left behind, feeling like death/dying. 😢😢😢
sorry to hear about your dad.
regardless of their reasons, it is still no excuse to treat someone who loves you that way. to what degree they are aware of what they are doing or not, they are still aware they are hurting you and playing games. horrible people.
I just hope one day he can open his heart up to someone and truly experience the love they have to give. I hope he learns from our experience and doesnt measure everything with the yardstick of past failed relationships and gives love a chance. I hope he realizes that someone caring for him and loving him is not "moving too fast" and I hope the next time he does not get cold feet when someone brings up committment because getting to experience love with someone is beautiful. I hope he doesn't give up on something that could potentially be so beautiful even before giving it a chance. I'll heal with time. But hopefully, I would also be able to treat this as a learning experience :)
Thank you for sharing! I hope you’re both able to heal from this :)
this is an excellent well explained video. As you have said you're an anxious attachment individual however there are some of us who are secure and are just as confused by a DA' s behavior.
Outstanding. So well articulated,thank you
i’m so very thankful for the expansion upon attachment theory content. this video in particular is so healing to hear, and be able to relate to without feeling like a monster
Forgot to mention the immediate rebound
Immediate! like 1-2 weeks after
I was 6 years out with no contact when they reached out. It was such an emotional roller-coaster trying to decide if I even wanted this person in my life. They were asking for us to be friends. All we ever had b/f was a situationship, and we're both now married (to someone else). I've been doing my work, and it was apparent that they had not. For a moment, I thought they were on the narcissism spectrum with the discard, idealization, love bomb, etc. phases, but this video gave me a lot of aha's. I was sad to have to release them again, because although I'm happily married, I care about their well-being. But the hot and cold, mixed signals were making me anxious. I was unable to trust their intentions. I changed my number and have been no contact (again) for over a year. It hurts sometimes, but it feels good to have chosen myself over another toxic cycle. I've taken time to grieve this time around and realized that I too was/am an avoidant, and I was going through these phases you described in this video, which also contributed to the breakdown and the nostalgia for them while being married to someoneelse. Mind blown!! I still have work to do.❤️
Thank you
Just stfu.. married and still hung up on an ex.. just stop it.😊
Wow! I have to say that there wont be ANY possibility for my ex to contact me after a year! In my case there is a child involved which he is avoiding too, so I will somehow conected to this person for ever, but if he doesnt come back, he wont be able to contact me in person or via phone...dont want to see an Ex after 6 years, lol.
@DeaDellaFortuna, I get it. People change and grow though. One thing I've learned is to never say never. We weren't in a bad space, and I'm happily married, so I didn't care if he came back. I guess I was curious to hear what he had to say after all that time. He THOUGHT he was coming back to apologize and start a friendship. And apologize he did. It was then I realized God had given me the beautiful gift of closure, because I realized I'd grown to know that I only want emotionally available people in my life, even as a friend. He thought it was a new hello; I KNEW he'd come back to say goodbye.
The mixed signals are hell to deal with. I just recently deleted her number and all texts. Crazy part I was feeling her like no other. Just had to do it.
This was really comprehensive. You covered it all in great detail, thank you for your work.
Thank you! This was so insightful.
I, an anxious, got back together with my DA bf exactly 1 year ago. We were together for 3y before my bf “suddenly” broke up with me. Really turbulent on again off again for the first 2m and then no contact for 4-5m after that. Caught him right at the nostalgia stage ig and now we’re better than ever.
Had no idea about attachment styles until recently. Learned a lot about them unknowingly while getting to know my bf. But It’s been quite the battle unpacking the break up. 1st was understanding how he could suddenly end it with out confiding with me and tried to fix it together. I could’ve adjusted if his needs weren’t being met Etc. I realized his suppressing nature and was soon able to get over it.
But One of the lingering feelings Ive had even a year later is regarding how he could “move on” and “forget about me” even though I knew (and now confirmed) that he still cared. Ur “move on phase” explanation got me closer to coming to terms with this one so thank you!
Thank you , this video was super helpful. Went through a situation and seeing this is helping understand but still hurts very much. I have an anxious attachment. The more I sought clarity the further the person pulled away.
Thanks. I hope you all get better. I was with a manipulative avoidant, abs it was very painful. I'm glad you're talking about this.
I think The Killers "When You Were Young," pretty much captures the avoidant's facade.
This is so spot on it blows my mind
Love your voice! It's very soothing. Just found this channel, very grateful. Fearful avoidant here, after my latest break up, and this is really helpful!
Glad my channel has been helpful! Hopefully my videos assist you in your healing journey :)
How about detaching to an appropriate emotional state and come to the conclusion that you are ok and not to personalize the others behavior? Just love like a Stoic. Love but in a witnessing way. Once you know how to be your own best friend and really love yourself you have the room to allow avoidants or any other type of attacher to just be. Know whats realistic for any relationship and manage your own expectations. Understand your own boundary needs.
Couldn’t have said it better myself 💯
Self healing
I wish I could do this, but I have a major internal emotional response to their behaviour that I can't stop or control no matter how hard I try. Avoidants are mentally exhausting.
Yeah, that's not being a Stoic. Stoics still feel emotions acutely, they just know what should and shouldn't be focused on/worried about (the Trichotomy of Needs).
While they would very much be able to detach *a bit* and try and be as accepting as possible, they would also live according to highest virtue, and hurting oneself and living with unresolved anger is not the Stoic way. Stoics aren't robots = they have needs and desires in life, they just refer to them as 'preferred indifferents'. Doesn't mean they're not important.
Thank you for this, lightbulb moment in my head about what's going on !
Really great viewpoints here. THANK YOU. One of the most unique and informative videos I've ever watched. Subscribed!
😮there is absolutely NO original experience in the WORLD!!! Just spells out my life RIGHT in front of me & doesn’t even know me!!! This was very well expressed & beautifully put together! Thank you for that!!! 😊😊😊
Great video thank you for helping people with their trauma.
My pleasure! As someone that’s working through their own trauma, I hope to help make it a bit easier for others to navigate
You’ve explained this better than anybody else I’ve listened to. I also really like your calm demeanor, which is comforting for such a hurtful topic (I used to be very anxious, but I’m working on it). This is very painful, but I guess you can say that now I’m rationalizing his point of view. I used to be angry, but now I feel sympathetic towards him. 🙏🏾 I hope that he heals, too. This is what we call the twin flame journey in spirituality. Lastly, it’s very helpful that you are both anxious and avoidant because you understand both.
Thank you! It's great you've reached a neutral and balanced perspective on your situation, I'm glad you're also working on your attachment style. I wish you all the best on your healing journey :)
Amazing video. Just what I needed. Thank you so much!
SO good! Thank you for the awesome insights. Easier to understand my ex now. ✨✨✨ Healing for both of us. Everyone has things to work on. I want to support him and we’ve had a good “conscious uncoupling” process.
I’m glad you both had an amicable process. It’s also great that you want to support him. I hope you’ll both find a way to support each other again
Thank you. This helps me understand what happened between my DA person and me FA. I am the one that separated us after feeling them pull away. That was a year and a half ago. We are now on good terms and talking about what happened. It's a relief to us both that there is no need to demonize one another.
Thank you so much for making this video. I have an anxious attachment style but I am working on healing from all this and am in therapy. I recently was in a relationship with someone who I just realized has avoidant attachment style which explains his behavior. We are in the no contact phase. If he does come back again like he has the other times I will tell him that he has to go to therapy and heal from his trauma that is causing his avoidant attachment before we can be together again.
There are definitely variables that'll affect this. How avoidant they are and if they broke up with you or vice versa. I'm FA, and my husband is DA. I broke up with him two times during the first two years. He tried to accept it but came back. Agreed to therapy, etc. Which helped us both. We're doing better than I believed we could. When an avoidant ex broke up with me, though, he moved out while I was at work. He'd reach out randomly after but never wanted the relationship again.
Agreed! Attachment styles and how they handle breakups or no contact is very fluid. Variables like the length of the relationship, why the breakup happened, and who initiated it all play a role in it. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Oh wow!!! Thank you its very very helpful!!!
Great video Charlie.
Thanks for the video, this helps me understand my situation so much.
Amazing! I hope my videos will continue to help you learn more along the way :)
Really appreciate this, thank you
Very good video I’m in no contact right now with my ex avoidant girlfriend. We were together for 10 years. She broke up with me suddenly 4 months ago. She’s 46 and running around town with all sorts of guys loving being single I guess. I pleaded with her for the first four months, but I’ve had it.
Right and you do get tired of them.
What an excellent video! I also want to point out your awesome guitars in the background. 😮!
Thank you!! 🤘🎸
@healingwithcharlie do you know that my FA ex who dumped me 1 week ago has similar guitar as yours? 🎸 he also love to play a guitar 😢 I miss him, but I'm in a NC rule . Can avoidants ever come back?😢😢😢💔💔💔
They can but many don’t. In the meantime I wouldn’t wait around for it to happen. It’s better to move forward expecting they won’t come back so you can heal sooner, than delaying it by hoping they return
So much trauma. Nobody deserves this and they didn't deserve what hairbrush that made them like that. Makes me wish I was in Heaven with my sister. No drama or messy relationships there.
❤❤❤
😢😢😢😢
I know exactly how you feel and just know that I’m sending you love to you and your sister. You are strong and I’m glad you’re still here❤️
❤ God bless you always ! Ameen. Duae'n
I wish I was in Heaven instead of dealing with this as well . Lord please 🙏🏻
Thanks for the video! Much appreciated
This is incredible. This is seriously happening
You are good man! Keep it up!
Why should we care about the avoidant's feelings? They only care about themselves, why should their emotional wellbeing matter more than the other party? Why should we take it so much into consideration when they're not accounting for the other person's devastation at all???
why i didn't watch this video three weeks ago. what you described here is very accurate to what ive experienced. although everything you told not to do, i did 😅
this is still comforting and helping alot. thank you!
Thank you so much for your transparency. I want to Love my Avoidant this will greatly help me understand him❤ will you please do a video on Avodiant VS Narcissism?
I was your 1,000th like you the man 👍
Spot on!! Best explanation yet!
So True....he doesn't seem to want to change....he thinks/believes ....that is who he is...
Denial of healing himself!!
Yes when ever he got scared... he would run back to an ex/friend/Denial/Dismiss ME!!....he knew this killed me....yet this continued....then, as u said....circle back to me!!
EXCRUCIATING!!! ive stopped replying to any contact....but seems no problem for him😢
I cant do it anymore...as much as i may want to & want him....yes ive lost myself😢 AP
I’m sure he feels the loss
Thank you for this 🙏🏼
Now at the other end of our relationship and feeling 'tossed' away and the pain being exacerbated by no care behaviour / no contact. I'm glad this video found me as I am trying so hard to be strong, accepting no contact. My aim is to genuinely hope his future is bright and to know mine is. He has done me a favour with his no contact. The 'deceit' that went beforehand and settling himself up for when he was ready to move on is harder to accept. Also the knowledge that he will share a narrative to his people that will put me solely to blame. Yet my reactive behaviours were triggered by instincts that I now know we're spot on. I feel both sad and angry that adult conversations would have avoided the issues even developing. I feel cheated out of a future that had so much potential by behaviours we both developed from abuse or neglect by others in our past.
It’s so sad knowing that if they’d been equal participants in the relationship who were willing to communicate you could have fixed some of your issues in a half hour. I know it’s maddening. Stay strong
thank you for this video❤
Thanks for your perspective on this matter. Would love to hear your thoughts around whether avoidants keep their ex-partners as “options” in case their future relationships don’t work out the way the intended and they keep their partners as friends to act as “safety nets”?
Wow. On point 👌🏻 💯 accurate
Charlie I appreciate you explaining this; I'm also an anxious-avoidant. My childhood plays a heavy influence in being an avoidant, I couldn't feel my feels and if I showed emotion that showed weakness.
Great video
I think this was interesting perspective in looking at how the other may be doing. I’m a moving on type of person. I don’t think life should be wasted in that. Life is to short.
Damn, this genuinely made me have a bit of a panic response because it really describes my ex and I's breakup well, but it's a much needed realization!! I'm an anxious attachment type person, and he was avoidant. Thank you for talking about this, I think it's definitely given me an insight into a person I do still care deeply about and love, but felt hurt and blindsided when he initiated the breakup.
I still haven't moved on entirely, it's been three weeks as of tomorrow... But each day I understand more why he did it, and why it was what was best! As much as it hurts, if he isn't choosing me right now, he can't be The One. All I can do is keep on keeping on until either we become friends again, grow apart entirely, or MAYBE rekindle something... But I will try my best to heal in the meantime ❤
Thank you for sharing this! I wish you all the best on your healing journey and no matter what ends up happening, I hope you're happy in the end :)
I am grateful there is all this knowledge out there. I think I had a phase in my life when I was an avoidant because I had two completely different parental figures. My mom was the anxious type and my dad the avoidant. In the relationship we just terminated (she first brought it up in November but then I did the typical anxious thing that obviously I didn't know then was an anxious thing to do: kill myself to get them back willing to change everything to meet their needs. Eventually realized I was slowly killing myself mentally and physically so we ended things on good terms.)I was definitely the anxious one and for me it is progress because it means I decided to finally open my heart. I know I still have to work on some insecurities and traumas, from childhood and previous relationships to become more secure but I know I am on the right path now. Also, I feel compassion for the avoidant thanks to all the knowledge I have found. At least, this person I just broke up with. It's as if I can differentiate the person she truly is when she opens her heart because at first she did and I have seen all the beauty she can give to deactivate herself to protect herself from unaddressed traumas. I will just make sure I never jeopardize my emotional and mental health to keep someone in my life who doesn't seem to be willing to work on their issues.
Also thanks for the no contact journal, we had a "closure" yesterday with this person so I am sure it is gonna help working through my own closure.
Thanks Charlie!
All the love. All the power.
Thats true. Our mental health is far more important, we cant fix others nor shouod we. Its just another life lesson.
This is so beautifully put. I can totally relate as an anxious attacher myself, as I broke up with my avoidant partner after a 12 year long relationship, where I saw her pulling away and it looked like she was breaking up with me. I also tried to harm myself twice, not to bring her back but because of my mental state. And although the last 1-2 years were hot and cold, when the avoidants do open up or show their affection, is a thing of a beauty. I wish she could do that consistently. But I think they have their own demaons to fight. But evenetually my mental health was more paramount than the relationship. I wish I had known about the attachment styles before the breakup and I would have tried understanding her. But I will use this time to heal now and be more emotionally mature!
Very well explained
This is so incredibly accurate and exactly what I'm going through at the moment. But the question is this: can an avoidant and an anxious attachment type ever be happy in a relationship?
they both need to be open to work on themselves and get more secure
If you like drama yes!
I’m dating an avoidant but I have to say I am not an attacher. I have warned time and time again the negative distant behaviors with my DA and I have to say our relationship has been pretty amazing - he’s on vacation and the breadcrumbing texts and no calls has allowed me to know my worth and just go no contact. So this is going to probably make his head spin and the only way he will see the reality of this situation is when we are suppose to connect when he comes back. Telling him to his face that he can go kick rocks will be difficult but necessary. I’m so over these behaviors and being tough as nails makes it easy for this door to close.
If I'd known this at the start of our relationship it would have helped me make sense of some of his behaviours that caused a lot of issues as I then interpreted them as something else.
Wow...hit me like a brick. I'm an avoidant. Brought up that children are seen but not heard. Spent 28 years with a narcissist and after a breakdown decided to leave everything...him, kids, house, pets....the lot. History repeats and I've left my partner of 15 years. We never lived together so easy to just avoid, block, denial. And I went through the phases. Still going g through it. I've joined clubs, groups, tried online dating...disastrous!! And I spend a lot of time with my pet rats. It's really hard...I have reached out to him again because I love him. But I know it won't work and just makes him feel crappy. 😢
i just realized i was a creature comfort for a girl who used me to forgot her ex🤣 funny that i caught feelingns for her
I think I realized from this video that I became a creature comfort as well. 😢💔😭
Just couldn't believe he gave up on us and ghosted me out of the for a week now. There's no apology or even remorse of what happened 😢😢😢
Dating a BPD, she is an avoidant, it is complete destruction. No contact works well. I am no longer receiving her punishment, I dish it out now.
Glad I'm not the only one going through this. Thanks for the comments
Here I thought it was a Libra thing . I've never heard or the term "anxious attachers" Wow!! Something im going to bring up in therapy..
Libras, always 😂
@@christinacatalanoLibra here! Hi! 😄👋
A Libra thing? You’ve got to be joking
People actually believe in zodiac signs? I thought that was just a conversation starter lol
@@jenniferburton7044 Libra male??? Defensive??? I touched a nerve?
Thank you ❤
Thank you Charlie for this video. I’m going through a really hard time with my ex who started cheating on me when my grandmother was in the hospital and ultimately died. He slept with another woman the day she died actually and I had no idea. Then two months after this, he just disappeared. I moved to a new city to be closer to my grandmother and that is where he met the other woman, who was in a committed relationship herself. I tried for months to reach out to him but he was not returning my calls or giving me the time of day (this was me thinking we were still together) until the other woman called me and told me the truth.
Now I feel like the loser because I had no idea, I really trusted him and now he’s off having fun with someone new and I have egg on my face.
The pain is truly unbearable and I hope one day I will be able to breathe again and face the world. I am so embarrassed and humiliated that I have buried myself into work and not interacting with anyone.
However, I wish the best for him and I hope one day I can smile again and maybe try dating again in the future.
I'm sorry to hear that! I went through a difficult time with someone shortly after my grandmother passed away so I can relate. It's certainly unfair to go through but I'm glad you're able to look at things rationally despite the circumstances. I hope you both can grow and heal during this time, and possibly come back together in the future to try again on healthier terms :)
I’m still living with an avoidant and he’s with someone else now. This is truly difficult and I’m glad we are parting ways in a few months
I wish you luck! Living with an ex while they’re seeing someone new is never easy. Hope you have find a new setting soon :)
Thank you so much I appreciate that
It takes me a while to fully detach, but when I do, it’s a done deal. Im tired of putting my compromising my self respect for someone who doesn’t even respect me. I’ve been so supportive of him and gave him all the love I had to give. He's done several things that are considered deal breakers for me like calling me out of my name, hanging up on me, screaming at me, and his immature ways. He never holds himself accountable and blames other people for his actions by saying it is just a reaction from what I did. I think he’s a narcissist that has serious mental issues and I’m not dealing with it anymore. It’s time to move on and find the love and respect that I deserve ❤️ we all deserve that and I hope everyone in the comments finds that.