Narcissism relationships
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- čas přidán 21. 08. 2024
- Narcissism relationships. Living with a narcissist. Loving a narcissist. Overt, covert and malignant narcissists.
You hear this word narcissist used a lot these days. But what is a narcissist?
When I was in an abusive relationship with my ex, I'd never even heard of the term.
It is something more recent and become a popular term. So, I thought it would be worth asking the question:
What is a narcissist? It's a broad term.
Some people have narcissistic tendencies or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Others are covertly narcissistic or malignant narcissists.
This is a short summary of some signs you are living with a narcissist.
I was with a covert for 10 years. She was so nice and comforting in the beginning. I do remember the test I call the "shit sandwich". She and I were at a bar and she claimed she never been drinking ever, but she downed 3-4 beers one after another and she got very mean and degrading. She said she was drunk and she was sorry, but I believe she tested me to see if I would take a bite of the shit sandwich, or would I walk away? Well, it was 10 years before I through that sandwich on the ground.
I am just so angry today - I wish I could hurt my ex narc , have him apologize, have him break down and cry for all the horrible, hurtful things he did and said, all the names he called me, the cheating and lying for 4 years, the throwing away and discard like 17 years never mattered or happened, the lack of closure or aplology or even admitting that he cheated and lied, the constant put downs and mockery and sarcasm to poke holes at my self confidence and have me off balance always apologizing, the constant criticism and blame for EVERYTHING. Every thing was my fault - the sun rose - my fault. I just want to scream.
One year into the marriage - I realized I was expected to be his selfless personal assistant/ slave.
Thanks to my parents for installing the constant need to please to validate my self worth.
I know how you feel and that need for closure is what makes us go back over and over. Sadly we don't get it. They honestly believe they are the victim and we have hurt them. I am glad you have good parents who reinforce that. You are enough.
Vivian - no I meant that my parents are the ones who installed the original dysfunctional subconscious program in my mind when I was a baby and a child. They modeled the dysfunctional narcissist - codependent relationship and I didn’t realize I was programmed until after I went through my own dysfunctional marriage
@@garimaheath Oh yes, sorry, I misread that. The good thing is you have awareness of this now. That is the most important thing. If you can see it for what it is you can change it by becoming the loving parent you needed them to be. You can start nurturing and loving that damaged inner child by finding self-love. By starting to replace those negative patterns of behaviours, mindsets and unhelpful negative comments your inner voice tells you (ie that you're not good enough). The perception they planted in your head is just a story, it doesn't mean it is true. What helped me was to understand that they too were a product of their dysfunctional backgrounds. It was okay to love them, but not like everything about how I was raised. I kept the good parts and let go and forgave the rest. This is not to condone any bad behaviour but for me, forgiveness was releasing me.
Garima Heath
Are we dating the same guy? Garima you are telling my story girl everything, the same thing ! 4 years of cheating the only difference is I am married to him for 7 years and together for 10 ... the same thing your hubby did or does to you , the sarcasm, name calling, put downs, blaming me , lying the manipulation everything girl... I am sorry... I don’t know about me I have a 6 year old my all family is back home in Africa I have no support because he has isolated me from everything and everyone, constantly telling people lies about me and I have no way to defend myself because I am in his country, everyone is his friends. Girl lol 😂 I just relay on God . I know he will deliver me from this demonic marriage.
It was one rule for him and TOTALLY different one for me, now I don't have to live like that anymore.
They may flip it back onto you but getting out is my new choice, thank God for healing!
Great choice!
I knew a narcissist who would go into those rages and then blame it on every single they could think of. They would say they had PTSD, panic disorder, or just say it didn't happen. They would never take the responsibility for behaving that way.
Your videos are helping me. Your one of the best i listen to consistently that i can understand and breaks things down.
That's so nice to hear they're helpful to you. Thank you so much for saying so and for watching. I also have online video courses if that is of interest to you? programs.vivianmcgrath.com/ If not, there's plenty more of these videos to come.
A W thank you for replying and sorry for the delayed response. I can’t say that I have any positive feelings surrounding the relationship or, of him...other than utter contempt. I guess I’m having an extremely difficult time believing I was so gullible and, realizing that I put so much wasted effort into the last 16 wasted years of my life. I had a few opportunities to get away and I was the idiot giving it yet another try. More than getting over him, I’m trying to reconcile with myself and my lack of foresight. I saw so many red flags, now I know what they were but, at the time i entered into this transaction, I had no idea these type of individuals existed and believe me I hadn’t led a sheltered life beforehand. I guess that’s why I get upset when the evilness of these people is not fully exposed. When it’s verbalized so nicely. Extreme emphasis needs to be placed on what they’re capable of and will do. The level of perversion, degradation, manipulation and deception is bottomless.
My issue now is putting the little pieces of myself together and trying to enter back into society and the workforce as the productive, energetic, enthusiastic person I used to be. Feeling that maybe so much harder now I’m 56 and been isolated for the last 9 years. I developed Lupus, Fybro, insomnia and anxiety as a result of the physical, emotional and verbal abuse but, I’m still here, still smiling, still working my exit plan, socializing...I’ll make it. That’s my revenge
I'm so sorry to hear how hard it's been for you. We're all the idiots who go back to them and stay. We all see the red flags but ignore them or minimise them. Try not to be too hard on yourself. They are very good at doing what they do. Keep working on that exit plan and put yourself first. I love your concept of leaving being the best revenge. Whatever keeps you strong and staying that course, great.
Please Ms. Vivian, don’t concretely state that they say sorry yo try to win you back. 16 years of utter abuse of every kind and I have yet to receive one apology ever. Everything, every argument, every problem, every negative assault, verbal or physical has because in his mind , I created. What’s more I can be in the hospital or on the floor and he’ll walk away without any concern. Some of them never try to create the calm to bring you back into line again. Some of them are just sick, utterly and unforgivably sick. The worst part is that as their partners we’re RN more damaged because we stay, we continue hoping and waiting for the illusion provided at the beginning-to lull-us in and win our affection, our love to return. Even when we know it won’t, we still stay.
Karen Coklow thank you for your perspective on this. I am so sorry for what you have endured and hope that you are getting the right help and support now
Vivian McGrath
Thank you for your response. Actually just left my therapist. Living this life is so hard, so empty, lonely and, so demoralizing.
I appreciate your videos and believe me your messages keep me sane and focused. However, please let others know how very cold and calculating some of them can be without a regret or feeling in the world. They’re Oscar winning performers in front of their peers, workmates etc. but my God living with them is a living hell. I love when you mention how cutting their comments can be. But the sadistic look on their faces and actions can be terrifying. Leaving you lost, empty, confused, worthless and utterly stupid.
Love you for helping those of us who are still fighting.
Karen Coklow I have seen those cold black eyes myself, as he was strangling me and telling me to die. I agree. They can be Terrifying.
Karen Coklow I cant believe after 16 years you even have feelings left. I’m not saying this to be mean. I myself was married to one for 30 years, but I quit loving him well before then. Good luck to you.
They are all malignent eventually
No need to be discarded feeling damaged. Write them an email listing out all thier traits citing examples of their behavior. Help them see themselves with thier blind spots like an angel. You know ;-)
Hello, Ms. McGrath. Thank you for your videos. I've had to detach from my family of original because of its narcissistic patriarchy. I will never again see my two siblings (flying monkeys, with one being the Golden Child) and my father. It's a necessary choice, but I have no faith in people, no faith in there being any meaning in life. I have made the calm, rational and comforting decision to leave this world when my elderly mum passes. I cannot wait. For the time being, videos like yours and others help me stick around for my mum. So, again, thank you.
Detachment is the only way but please believe me you can find meaning in your life again with help and support. I am proof of this. My ex almost murdered me, I was a young, single mother. I found meaning again, I found love again. I turned my life completely around and you can too. If you feel suicidal please seek help. You are worthy. Don't let them win. You are destined to go on to greater things. It may not feel like that now. I remember how dark that tunnel can be, but you can find the light again. I've listed resources here who may be able to help guide you to the right support: www.beingunbeatable.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Ms. McGrath, I appreciate your feedback. Thank you.
I just turned 50. For 30 years I've tried to communicate, educate and enlighten my family as to our inherited malignant narcissism (I do think it is often a learned behavior, passed down for generations). It didn't get me anything but severe and traumatic backlash. With Trump in office, I am daily triggered, in terms of my own personal experience with malignant narcissists and sociopaths, and frankly, the embarrassment that *is* my country at this moment in time has me beyond hopeless. "You are worthy. Don't let them win." It's not just the family. It's everywhere. My becoming aware and awake where malignant narcissism and sociopathy are concerned, I've realized that these evils are rampant. It's epidemic. Frankly put, my observations and experiences have transformed me into a misanthrope.
I agree. The more I speak out, the more I am realising it is everywhere too. Trump is a malignant narcissist in my opinion. But there are good people out there. Just keep working on yourself and finding a strong sense of self worth and self esteem and they will start coming into your orbit.
Thank you, Ms. McGrath. I sincerely appreciate your kindness and words of counsel, as well as your videos, which do indeed remind me that there are indeed good and decent people still. I'm working on it (meaning: working on me).
That's good to hear. You can't change anything or anyone else. But you can change you. That's all it takes to start turning your life around.
its like ur desribing my husband totally
My ex husband too
I was accused of doing many things i could not explain wtf i did wrong. Am i the narcississt.