A Narcissistic Parent Checklist
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- čas přidán 12. 04. 2023
- If you had a parent with strong narcissistic tendencies, your challenge is to take family mannerisms into a much healthier direction. To keep you focused, Dr. Les Carter has listed 15 top trends common to narcissistic parents. Once you spot their tactics, you are on your way to making lasting improvements.
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The best thing I learned from my mother was how NOT to treat my children.
Likewise for me. I received the same lesson from my father.
Yup, same.
I remember the first time i told her that.... She actually she stayed quiet and I think made some sort of comment but it was weird.... Like she knew she fucked up and couldn't say anything to it.
DITTO!!!!
@@snowflakemelter5868 Me too - father. I was really old when I had my son, because I was frightened that I'd end up parenting like my father - and why have a child if all you're going to do is hit, insult and shout orders? But I didn't do any of those things with mine, and he's so much nicer than I ever was, as well as more successful.
A few years ago, long after both parents were dead, I was talking to my brother's wife, and the penny dropped: my mother was playing us off against each other. She also did some appalling things to keep her son close to her, and dependent on her to look after himself.
@Lesley Vivien Another similarity, I didn't become a Dad until I was 50, and I kept putting it off for the same kind of reasons as yourself. As it happens, it was one of the best decisions I ever made. My father taught me how NOT to be a Dad.
My mother taught me nothing. She put me under continuous stress, fear and worry. She destroyed my self worth.
I had to take a print of your post, how much it rings true.
I'm sorry to hear that! I also didn't learn much from my own mother apart from the fact as a person having experienced being abandoned and discarded for many years I will never put any man in front of my own child
Sorry😢
Same here! I hope you are able to heal from it.
@@mariagulraizekhan it's a daily struggle but I'm not defined by it. Saying I'll get there. I'm worth something is vital. Just keep getting up and struggling on.....
Narc parents don't care about the child's actual progress, emotions etc., they only care about the child following their demands, and maintaining their image as the best parent.
How many times did I rub her feet? And even when she tried to fake hug me, she wouldn't put her hands on me just kind of droop her arms lightly around me, it was very strange. And I do Not remember ever being hugged by my father. Infested with head lice while she had weekly visits to the beauty salon. And we were in poverty.
@@rhondadavis4285 I'm so sorry
@@rhondadavis4285 i am so so sorry. i hope you are able to find solace in healing. sending lots of love
That's THE thing:when someone forces you to do something out of fear of reprisals he actually forces you to lie and cheat on him.Whatever you do, its not an honest desision of yours.And these tyrants know it,they know people pretend, but they can't stop.They want people to be loyal to them but suffer, bc they can't obtain their loyalty except by force.They are pathetic, at the end they understand the loyalty is fake and suffer.Their whole life.
You’re right my child mother is like this. She keeps him away to fully control him and I got no say in that behavior.
Narcissistic parents want complete obedience. You will only receive acceptance if you do and be what they want. I felt like a slave in my narcissistic family. Walking on eggshells for decades. I finally went no contact. Abusive family systems don't change. They want conformity only. Individuals will be punished or discarded if they don't comply.
Soo right... I'm facing the same 😔😑
Wow! You literally just described my lived experience. I'm no contact for 1.5 years now and although it hurts to not have your family or origin with you through the good and bad times, it's such a relief to be able to just live and make independent, non-judged, decisions. It's truly liberating and I feel far healthier.
@@anntrope491 Honestly for me personally...I typically throw flying 🐒 s into the same dumpster 🔥 as the narc because they're oftentimes toxic in their own ways as well🙄. Usually in family systems involving narcs...Typically each family member plays their own unhealthy role in the system unless they end up going no-contact of course🤔.A narc will not only show you who they are... They'll also show you who the people AROUND them are too whether it's good or bad.
Complete obedience is still a must with my 96 year old nightmare.
I concur
What the child of a narcissistic parent truly is, is an unwanted orphan. They're incapable of love, or caring, or compassion. They don't love you: they tolerate you. Once I learned this, it was painful and saddening, but ultimately set me free.
Heavy on the “they don’t love you: they tolerate you” !! My mom always talked about how i was “hard to like” and how she couldn’t wait for me to graduate and move out of the house. it was sick. The love was conditional if it was even there.
Nailed it!
This is exactly how I feel now I know they're never going to have a normal adult conversation with me and now that I know my mum is narc as well as my dad and sister. I feel like I am an orphan. If I wasn't autistic I would have seen the truth 20 years ago. 😔
Justine, without autism it took me much longer than 20 years.
My covert narcissist mother taught us one thing: She was always right, and we were always wrong.
Lucky you did not believe her.
bingo!💯🎯
My mother did that good a job at manipulating me that I really thought till I was around 17 that she couldn't ever do wrong, I saw her like a god. It's so revealing to finally get to know what she did.
That’s my dad 😂
Same but with my father & he was physically, and verbally abusive & emotionally absent too 🤦🏾♀️
Not only are they not there for you when you need them the most but that is when they choose to come against you
You're on it, Tara.
Yep, the old kick you while you're down move. Absolutely disgusting considering they ought to be helping you up.
SO TRUE!
My mother always took the side of the offender... I learned at a very young age that if someone was hurting me they were probably right.
@@inthehouse1960 unfortunately that is the confusion we are taught as children
imagine having TWO narcisstic parents. The story of my life
Imagine having 4 Narc parents-
bio and step parents.
Lucky me. What are the odds?
I talk to one of them, that's enough.
I had two as well. One is dead but the other is still torturing me.
Yeah bro, it sucks big time
Same here. I never stood a chance. And I married a narc too.
But I know now!
@@annking8633 I'm waiting for both of mine to die. I think that kind of evil lives forever. If I shed any tears, they'll be happy ones. If I attend their funerals, it'll be to spit on their corpses and dance on their graves.
"Narcsistic parents want to make you into a version of what THEY NEED." Thank you Dr. Carter, I feel so seen right now.
15 Traits of a Narcissistic Parent Checklist:
1. Maximum telling, minimal discussing.
2. Reminders about the chain of command.
3. Inconsistency between public/private persona.
4. "Discipline" is not really discipline.
5. Manipulative use of reward and punishment.
6. Erratic moods, set off by trivia, selfish preferences.
7. When the child is immature, the narcissist is more so.
8. Separateness becomes a referendum about the parent.
9. Unavailable during critical moments.
10. Criticism is the norm.
11. Anger is abrupt, harsh, demeaning.
12. Expecting apologies, but offering no apology.
13. Unfulfilled promises, passive-aggressive patterns.
14. Loyalty is required as an obligation.
15. Stonewalling, silent treatment, withdrawal.
My narcissistic mother has trait number 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 11, 14, and 15. Her narcissism, which she gets from her mother, is generational curse me and my siblings has suffered from. I will make sure I end it by the time I raise my own children.
I see it in my family also, generations of suffering and destruction must be turned around. Best of luck to you ! Stay on it. Well done.
Thanks for the notes
"1. Maximum telling, minimal discussing.
Yeah.....................
I grew up with 12 of these. Hard stuff.
Neglect plain outright neglect.
The worst part for me is the fact that they will never apologize and never feel remorse, no matter what I try to say or do. They'll always just think I was crazy and they were right. They still have my little brothers on their side and they all think I was just the failure of the family. Even though I graduated high school, have a stable job, and my own apartment with the love of my life. It won't ever be enough.
It's "enough" for you. Living a successful life is the "enough" that will drive them crazy; you don't even have to do anything different. Just keep being successful and you'll make them nuts even though they won't show it. It's a win for you, you get a great life and the na-na-boo-boo, in your face, answer to their narcissism you are looking for. My counselor told me this, I didn't think of it on my own.
stay strong and become stronger!🙏🏽💜
This is as if I wrote that. Exactly know the feeling.
It will NEVER be enough. The truth is, they are afraid of you being great. They want you SMALL so they can be “smart” and “wise” parents as long as possible. Pluck them. Make them respect you. Work hard for YOU. Don’t let them bring you down for ONE second. Be greater. Be the best.
You sound like you're doing great despite it all. Kudos! Keep living well and distance yourself from them.
You owe me
My way or the highway
Control
Double Standards
Jealousy
Contempt
Sadistic
Pyschotic
Hate
Selfish
Manipulation
Gaslighting
Punishment
I'm sure there's more I've forgotten to mention
And that's putting it nicely!
🎯🎯🎯
That's a very well put list. Sure is damn sad that so many of us have had to deal with this.
Raging too. Sounds like my husband. My ex. I knew him 14 years. He never changed and he never learned. Then he died 8 months ago of a drug overdose.
Oh yeah the my way or the highway. As a kid I thought I was being very grown up and respectful and thought my mom would be impressed. I had a toy typewriter and wrote a little letter asking my mom (iw was probably around 7) if I could be allowed to choose some of my own clothes. She read it looked at me with contempt and disdain and simply said NO. It felt like ice ✌
#1 on the list has to be “conditional love”. You want love you better feed the parent what they want, when they want it, how they want it etc. Of course there is no actual love with a narc, as narcs only love themselves.
Nothing is free on earth , Absolutely Nothing . Nothing to do with a person being a narc or not
@@tristan583 do you have something that you need to share. This is a safe place, we
understand, we care, maybe we can help.
🎯🎯🎯
Great point...the only thing I'd add is that it's actually their false-self that they really love,they only like the fake characters that they pretend to be to cover up the very damaged nasty underdeveloped thing that quietly lurks where a actual real fleshed-out personality was supposed to develop😬.I'm not saying this to feel sorry for the adult narc of course,I only feel sorry for the innocent little kids they once were...But it sure is a wretched unsettling thing that really lives behind the 🎭 ultimately🥶.
If the school knew, about the parents, hell is out plus kids can get talked into stories, asking a kid to tell on a parent, but yea man ,my mom, my dad, what a trip, poor, dum, whore, screaming nut, im glad us kids, have a little insight, i seen my narcissist sister be off base first born kid ,mom and dad what had the traits, i seen full blown in my sister, yeap a bunch of poor kids, mom and dad, we had it all, live in girlfriend, surviving life, seeing the disfunction, the environment, dad what putting first born ,be a good smart kid, your mom never had a mom, noone had school, being young full of cum, surviving having habits, the insight of a child will work, yea buddy im sorry, its rough, the why, have not watched yet, my mom my dad, there dum faults, yea ,break down, 60 years later, cause my fellow human needs to be fed to the dogs, no way, suffer, my Doctor truth is suffering, i didnt go through dum cramp, to be against a retard, mom,dad, did there best, i made my choice to be a human, the off base person, is my blood. ,what warn the kids, they can become, off base, hec some one dont need to spread hate, things suck, i suck, i hate, what a sick0, a child mind troubled human, please help me. ,well i guess hey let the child learn life, they see ugly in the conflict of the world, but man i guess some folks can eat dog, my Doctor does not need me to think bad thoughts, rewind the past, im sorry, i learn this word , they kill humans, the narcissist, im off base, im one person, ok tell the children, not to be off base, look at my dum family, the ugly, the dum, the retard whore, im a full blown drug head, help me save someone to see ,watch your mistakes, on and on, the normal will out weighed the off base, your it Doctor Carter
Lots of truth in this list. Another one, the narcissist parent can't stand their child's happiness-they see it as a threat to their inflated sense of superiority. The slightest expression of joy, and down comes the shame hammer. It can make it a real challenge to allow oneself to have fun, or even smile.
oh my, that's right. now I recall my mother resenting it if I was having a good time as a kid.
And the addendum to this is, if they catch you excelling at anything they reach for the wet blanket to throw over it.
lucky my dad was the opposite.
Oh! So true. Good point!
Absolutely TRUTH. Every achievement was met with a negative comment.
@@davidoltmans2725 Yeah, the reasoning was that they did not want us to get a big head about our successes. They are so compassionate looking out for us.
Yes!
I kept asking myself a lot of years why I was afraid to expres joy.
Mom was always so disgusted and exasperated with my not being like her. How many times I heard her say, " You just always have to be different, don't you!". I quickly learned to hide my true self from her.
Or, "WHAT WILL OTHERS THINK?" Or, "YOU WILL BEHAVE!!! DON'T YOU EMBARASS ME!!! YOU'RE NOT GOING DRESSED LIKE THAT!!!" etc., etc., etc. I don't recall one instance of my mother talking nicely to me, hugging me, or telling me that she loves me. If she wasn't being all the above, then it was complete silence as I was not worthy of a conversation. If I ever came into contact with her, it was a hair brush broken over my head, a fly swatter to the face, being jerked around by my ponytail, an open-handed slap to the face for not answering a question fast enough or because she believed I was lieing, or a wooden clothes hanger broken on my rear end, etc....yep. My mother, the human woodchipper!
I heard how I was like my Aunt and she didn't say it like a compliment. My mother was jealous of her sister.
As a teenager / adult, I thanked her. She informed me it wasn't a compliment. I pointed out my Aunt was strong, independent, a voracious reader, loved animals, got her pilots license and flew for the Civil Air Patrol during WWII. How could it not be a compliment?
That is such an arrogant thing to say. As if your entire life is aimed at subverting HER. As if you have nothing better to do.
The best example of narc parents is that kids are like playing with dolls. Our purpose is to act out scenarios for their entertainment.
Good analogy.
Moms been dead for 40 years. Still fucked up my life…
My bio mom is 92 years old and a hard core narcissist. My childhood to adulthood has been traumatic. I’ve had to create distance. Thank you for the video Dr Carter.
Sorry to hear, but not give up.. distanse is a good thing :) i hope you are better now. Have a good day :) Hei å hå
Hi Annamarie. I am sending you a hug 🤗❤️
My NM is 86!! My narc dad died at 80 12 years ago. Why do these evil people live so long?? I'm looking forward to life without my own mother always on the phone telling these huge lies about me and my brother and our children!! So ready for her mouth to be shut forever!! 😢 sounds mean but it's just simply the truth. And so very sad anyone would actually feel that way. But my parents chose to be who they were!! I chose not to be like them❣️
I can agree with the above comment- my mom lived tone 93 and controlled me my entire life
Totally understand. It has taken me a long time to heal from my narcissistic parents and still with my mom who still living. She's 76 and Im 53 and I just created distance from her. God spoke me years ago and told me step aside so that I can heal her. For years my brother has always taking responsibility for her childhood trauma. Thank you Jesus that I've found out the truth!
It's very difficult when your parents are Narcissists, very very confusing and the worst part of it is people on the outside saying "They're good people." or the "What? They don't seem like that to me..." which keeps you stuck in the vicious cycle of never being enough and it always being your fault.
agreed! stay strong and become stronger. no contact with either for me. narcs are mentally ill 💯💯💯🎯
Draw the line in the sand. Make them respect you. Tell them like it is and how it’s going to go moving forward. Stay firm. Let them know it’s your ship and you’re the captain.
@@4NaturesStory my parents wouldn't allow that. They would tell me my opinion which would be their narrative and they would be so convinced by it that anything else was me lying. It's insane. Best thing I did was go no contact.
@@Imoenn Sadly, I had to do the same a few years ago. I have a 8month old daughter neither of them have met. They seem ok with it. Very sick people. Divorced 25yrs ago when I was 12 and been hateful ever since.
@@4NaturesStory sorry to hear it :(
I noticed narcissistic parents or one of the parents always have weird rules for their kids to follow that no one else does or is very uncommon. Some of these parents also seem overprotective or very strict. Often these rules or ideas don’t benefit the kids in anyway. There’s no real life lesson or common sense to these rules.
exactly.
They do make sense. Narcissitic parents are authoritarian. The narcissist parents have these rules to oppress and rule over their kids. They are just power plays so they can rule over their kids and feel powerful. People like to think these rules are just to protect the kids or make sure they are alright, but really the narcissist could not care less about the kid. The narcissist parent has the same mentality of a jail warden or even a torturer imprisoning an inmate.
My Dad to a T. The strictness was beyond absurd.
I agree. Or they’ll randomly make up a weird rule and say “you should’ve known that” or “I TOLD you that you couldn’t…” Yet they had never made that rule before. They just want that feeling of superiority and control.
My mother checks all the boxes, sadly. Well, not sadly for her - she doesn't care, - but I am done.
Ditto!
I have ptsd from my family at this point.
hopefully youve moved on and are getting better..sad soem peopel are just horrible people even sadder when its fmaily..
The covert narcissist parent's guilt tripping is probably another one for the list. "I took care of you", "I gave my life to you", "You only get one mother", "It won't be too long before I'm gone" etc, anyone else got any other phrases that come to mind?
'you need to count your blessings."
“You’re going to miss me when I’m gone.”
Your going to regret ____ one day.
Saying that / Doing that / Thinking that
After all I've done for you.
I wish I had a penny for every time my mother told me, "You'll miss me when I'm gone."
My mother is 94 and still at it. My siblings and father are her flying monkeys and I will forever be the outcast scapegoat child. One thing is for sure. Narcissists never change.
i am so sad looking back on my little child self. How any child could deserve to be beat with a belt or switch is beyond ignorant and still people will defend this and call it discipline. It taught me to be invisible. It taught me not to voice my needs or wants. I think a lot of abused woman and men come from homes where they were told they deserved to be hit .
I asked one day what my daily beating were for after being badly hit. To make me tough she said. She has beat me to within an breath of suffocation and death and never once apologized for it ever, her wealthy parents who did not believe in mental health shielded all her evil deeds. There are truly monsters in the closet.
My mother beat me with a belt numerous times when I was 8-12 years old. To this day (I’m 70) I can’t remember what I had done to be beaten. I was not a bad child who acted out. Just didn’t understand why my mother was so mean. One time when I was 26 I left and moved to Hawaii to get away from her. I had spoken to my dad on the phone and I finally asked him why I was treated so poorly. He admitted that he thought that my mom was a bit too strict. But, in real life he did nothing to save me . I couldn’t even speak. I was so glad to be away from her. I’m thankful that my mom and dad are both gone. Now I’m going through a divorce from a covert narcissist. 28 years married. I was so used to being in that environment. And NOW I’m finally realizing what my mother and stbx husband were. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time.😢. I wish I had known about narcissistic behavior before. But, I’m determined to heal to the best of my ability in what time I have left on this planet! Thank you, Dr Les!❤
I read some notes by a spirit guide. She was human for centuries and graduated, no longer needed to be human. She said the angels truly cry when they see a child being beaten.
@@pamsee9548 you did nothing, she was aggressive and unhinged. Unfortunately, nobody needs a licence to have kids so many violent and unstable people traumatise their kids.
My story is similar to yours. I left at 25. Moved to the USA and never went back to this day. I keep in touch with my 2 sisters. Both my parents are dead and never received one single apology from them. Neither I expected them too. I made a new life with people that showed me love and respect. It has taken a long time to heal but thanks God i am fine.
Bingo. Weird how universal these characteristics can be. As if they all read from the same book.
My life started when I stopped asking my narcissistic mother permission (as an adult) to do things, and instead TOLD her what I'm going to do.
I grew exponentially since then. I don't fear everything anymore.
She instilled so much fear into me that I couldn't even pay for things at a cash register because I didn't want to talk to someone.
I do remember I was so shy as a teen I would not want to use the phone to call someone. 😩
@@Corinna_Schuett_GER I'm still working on that anxiety. I'm 29 and still terrified of calling people.
"She instilled so much fear into me that I couldn't even pay for things at a cash register because I didn't want to talk to someone."
Yeah, this is me. I don't mind talking to cashiers and being open/friendly, but it's just the situations that I cannot control and shit those goes on that fucks me up. I'm not allowed to say "no" for frear of me doing something and being the problem, even if someone is stepping over a boundary or whatever.
@@AlvinKazu The fear of being blamed for something that is out of your control is definitely a trademark of being a scapegoat. The parent needs someone to blame because they sure the hell won't consider themselves at fault.
Ever since I've stopped agreeing and going along with whatever my mother said, I'm the main target. Literally get blamed for everything and anything.
She calls me a guest in her/my little brother's house despite me paying $500+ rent for an unfinished attic space, house supplies and food. I've lived with and taken care of her needs most of my life and I'm a guest to her. That's what happens when you start telling them no. You are seen as nothing more than a tool. But it has been freeing despite the backlash.
I stopped fearing the word "no" because I know I'm doing nothing wrong and the more she pushes me, the more I pull.
Nothing will be good enough for them.
Even if you go along, they will find something to blame you for. Your boundaries are seen as a betrayal to them. They think they are your god simply because they conceived you and "provided" for you, and you owe them your life. The only thing you can control in your life is your own actions and emotions. The rest that goes on around you will always be a gamble.
@@FatFrogChonk some of my moms favorite lines were “I gave you life & I can take it away” and “you will do this because I’m your mother & I say so” … she always had a thing with control. She also made us go to our rooms to cry if we were sad or hurt and not come out till we were done crying. Heartless. It broke my heart to see my 3 year old sister sitting in her room crying alone on her bed. We were not raised with love at all
The narc parent is only capable of a transaction relationship. Love's got nothing to do with it.
Having a narc parent or two is one of the saddest things. To me the worst is the conditional love and the fact that I never understood the pattern until my adulthood and thanks to these videos. If I had understood sooner I'd have made different choices. I moved closer to my family thinking they were getting older and needed me and I was lured into this in a charming way. The pandemic struck and I never received any visit even a few minutes away and spent my time ill in need of help but I was blamed in the most cruel way. This is sick and I know it. To this day, nobody ever believed me in my family and even close friends it is lonely by making sense of all this is a blessing. Thank you for your work Dr :)
If your friends are genuine they WILL believe you when you tell them what you've gone through...Even if they don't understand NPD, they'll make the effort to 👀 some of these videos for example & learn what the heck it is that you've had to endure.Stuff like this reveals who's genuine & who isn't👍🏻.A single lovely 🌹 is far better than even a entire yard full of poison ivy after all😉.
I understand what you are saying here. Thanks for sharing, hope you are doing well.
It is the hardest part of having a narcisstic parent . . . the expectations of others who don't understand the trauma and CPSD. They re-traumatize you with guilt and should.
Same
I am in this similar situation...you are not alone...♡☆♡ YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE UNIVERSE, NO LESS THAN THE TREES & THE STARS, YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE...♡☆♡
Has anyone else heard their parent say, "Why can't you be more like so-and-so?" This was my mother's daily mantra.
"Because when I am like so-snd-so you just criticize even more and accuse me of showing off"
Oh my it is you again. Did we have the same mother?
literally. My mom used to even compare me to my friends and say “what do you think so and so would’ve done” “do you think so and so would’ve done that” she would also refer to other people as “normal” people. it was so disgusting and neglectful
Definitely heard this one.
I can picture the exact moment. I was 7 I'm now 35. I remember exactly how I felt.
After decades of family gaslighting, "Your mother loves you, really, she just doesn't think," "She's had so many challenges," etc, etc, it is SO good to have Dr C speaking the truth! And Team Healthy who understand too! Thanks everyone!
"Your mother loves you... She just gives "tough love." Tough love, you mean abuse? Tough love isn't telling your FIRSTBORN child that the day he was born (using actual dates i.e., September 15th, 1987[not my real birthday, just an example]), is the worst day of your life.
"Your mother just had a bad childhood."
So it's okay to abuse me and ruin mine?
@@AlvinKazu I found the book Mothers who Can't Love by Susan Forward helpful. Every child is worth loving, even if the parents didn't love them. It's hard to forget their nasty words, but they're not worth remembering.
@@michelepascoe6068 The words aren't worth remembering, but the pain is still remembered, even though we don't want to remember it.
"The Ax forgets but the tree always remembers."
A mother who cannot love is a sick and twisted Demon.
It brings me to tears sometimes these days when I see shows and people where the mother is loving and caring, where she wants to be there for her child.
I remember reading a comic (I'm into Anime/Manga type stuff, Asian Works), and I just remember one of the mothers being there for her son, telling him it's okay and bringing him into her embrace and being there for him.
I never had that. It was always yelling, screaming, shouting... My mother was NEVER warm, never comforting.
@@AlvinKazu I'm sorry. It's so hard. Society assumes that all mothers love their children, but some don't have love in their hearts or minds. The book I mentioned above tells of 5 types of mothers who can't love, and helps one process the relationship and how to move on. I found it at a library.
I tried to win my mother's love until she died and she left 2 rejection messages for me to hear from others after her death. She alienated 3 husbands from their children and tried to turn mine against me and my husband by slander. I was afraid of her and had nightmares and day frights about her for months after she died. But I have been learning to calm my emotions (Anna Runkel the Crappy Childhood Fairy has Ten Emergency Measures for when you're emotionally disregulated to download and a daily practice to help). I learned about narcissistic abuse and how to manage it better. I let go of all my relatives who believed my mother's lies (nearly all) and learned not to JADE (Justifying Arguing Defending or Explaining). Dr Carter's video Calm Confidence so helpful.
I am living a new life without bullies and wish I'd learned sooner, but so thankful I finally had answers to my life's big question "Why?!"
I hope you can find friends who reciprocate love and kindness, and practice self care and self compassion and know that it's not your fault that your mother treats you badly. You can't change her mind or behaviour.
Peace and courage to you.
I also learned that the God of the Bible, Jesus/Yeshua, loves me and His loves helped me let go of resentment about the abuse and be free of bitterness. He knows everything that happened and deeply cares about you. You are loved by Him and you can talk to Him and get to know Him as a loving Father who will never leave you or let you down.
@@AlvinKazuJust two days ago, I woke up because of a heat wave, with a dry mouth and a lot of anxiety (I don’t tolerate heat too well). I started having trouble breathing and having sort of an anxiety attack. My mom heard me and woke up. She inmediately started complaining that she had to wake up early for work the next morning, and what the fuck was wrong with me. All this said very violently. Gets up to look for me. I was trying to spray water on myself to chill and calm down. Screams at me what the fuck is wrong with me. What the fuck is the problem, why the fuck do I have to wake her up. My dad wakes up from the noise. Gets up, looks for us. Smashes the lightswitch on. Both stare at me, mad, making disappointed sounds, talking to each other about what the fuck am I doing, what is wrong with me. They talk about me like I’m not even there, calling me names. They stare from a distance while I have a panic attack until they decide they’ve bullied me enough, then just go back to sleep and leave me crying on my own. My whole life has been like this. Next day they tell my older sister about it on the phone. I hear them talk about me once again behind my back, about me being fat and having trouble with heat, about me not having a normal life, etc. My sister sent me a text message telling me to grow up and stop giving them trouble. Also told them so cut off the internet during the night so I don’t stay up. I just. I don’t know anymore.
It's as if this man knows my "mother".
My father is one and in my opinion this kind of abuse needs to be held accountable. Most of these people deserve prison for what they do to children.
My dad is a narc and he won't be challenged, when I was 9, he smashed me in the face for what he described as breathing wrong, he then broke my arm and so on and so on. I'm 55 he is 80+, but even today, he will not own anything he does and he is still incredibly physically fit and uses the threat of physical violence and phycological manipulation to achieve his goals. He has no emotional intelligence, I once asked him, where's your empathy, he said "I don't really do that". He spread his narc behaviour to my brothers and they became his flying monkeys, who still do everything they can to try and keep in with him, it's sad to watch, neither of them have worked him out.
His new wife is a mouse, who won't say a word out of place, I can see the fear in her, she also knows exactly what will be heading her way (in private), if she steps out of line, even an inch. The LESSON IS, THEY DON'T CHANGE.
Everything is conditional with them, everything is done with them at the centre of the equation in some way, it's always about how what they do, benefits them or how something they do makes them look to others. It's usually only in private, that their true nature is revealed, which is why they like to surround themselves with controllable flying monkeys.
I just keep them all at arms length, I stay polite and never share anything, just talk about the weather :)
Thanks for this vid, your analysis is spot on.
may blessings be unto you 🙏🏽💜
I just cut out my mom for over a year ago and now i am smiling about it.. yeah.. she did not break me at all! Doing good and help all people i meet on my way :) Hei å hå
blessings be unto you!🙏🏽💜
@@killadjango6995 Thank you :)
Narc parents do not merely punish for discipline, they aim to get their pound of flesh, punishment is more about getting revenge! They aim for punishments to crush their children's souls. My parents punished me on holidays and birthdays by taking away gifts... My father even destroyed my basketball hoop after an altercation.
I near ya! The punishments far out weighed any wrongdoing normal in growing up as a child. Just plain SADISTIC!!
@@Joanna-np6fx I wish you were far from me; however, thank you for showing solidarity. It is my fervent wish that those who have done us wrong eat their supper, and we to (or "two" - lol I suppose this can be a double entendre- whatever is clever! 😅) are able to enjoy our harvest through healing FAR FAR AWAY from these emotionally and mentally stunted tossers, and that we can share our harvest of goodness (wisdom) with those who are in need of support- just as you have done for me today! 🕋📿 So without further ado, THANK YOU! And please take great care of yourself!
they won't need a jacket where they're going at the end of the road!!🔥🔥🔥🔥💯🎯
It seems to me that Authoritarian parenting is synonymous with Narcissistic parenting… this was how I was raised. And I’m doing my absolute hardest to not parent my own children this way!!
You'll get no argument from me on this comment!
That's exactly what I was thinking, as I was watching this video!
You need to tell them off. Like hardcore. Let them feel the wrath. My parent shut their mouths now. I utterly dominated them. They can either get on board or get off the boat. Period. This is my family now, my children and my future. They now silently make faces and never say a word when they disagree with me. If they dare, I will kick them out of my house. Worthless baby boomers, damn they are jealous weirdos. Mad cause I’m better of then they are. So stupid. So disrespectful.
This video describes my father he is very manipulative , double standard , selfish , competive , disrespectful , narcissistic , non apologetic but expects apology back if they feel you disrespected them In someway , silent treatment , financial abuse , using triangulation between siblings or other family members etc .
Well my mother, now deceased, was 15 for 15 with this list. I figured so much. But some of the stuff you said Dr. C was word for word! I even dropped my phone at one point! Yes, my mothers favorite line was “I demand respect! I AM YOUR MOTHER!” with no thought of ever giving respect back in any way, shape or form! Me and my brother walked on eggshells on a daily basis. Sad as it is to say, I am so glad she is no longer on this earth!
Yes My Moms favorite thing to say was “ You May not love ❤️ Me , but You will Respect Me “ sad to say I don’t do either one , She’s 85 and I Hate the Demons that Reside within Her ! She is a poor excuse for a Human 🙄
Yeah, just like my mom. Worthless old hags with nothing left in life and ever accomplished anything. They abuse YOU because society never thought they were ever that great. Silly women.
I support your comments. Only another person who has truly walked in your shoes can understand. I commend your courageous post. Blessings to you 😘
56 years . I finally HAVE GOTTEN IT ! THANK YOU DR. C !!
65 years for me. I am stunned to come to the realization that my mom is a covert narcissist. Now I find myself emotionally distancing myself from her...but now she has dementia and I'm her caregiver.......But knowing her real motives and how she affected me over my lifetime is such a relief. So many questions answered.
So glad for you both. All the best in the world!
15 for 15. Batting a thousand in my family's home growing up. And trying to break that cycle, boy do they not like that.
I always thought that my mother was my only narcissistic parent and that my father was just neglectful, but now I realize that my father is also a narcissist. It was hell growing up with them. I thank God everyday for my husband. It's taken him 13 years but he has helped me heal so much
It's interesting to see how many Gen Xers (me included) are now realizing they were raised by narcissistic parents. Like being kicked out of the house at age 7 with no resources is what taught us how to drink hose water, and figure out which parents would feed us, and be uber independent super early in life, but also left us vulnerable, and screwed up our psyche pretty bad.
100% and then when we realize how messed up you are you begin to understand how difficult it will be to try to reprogram yourself to somewhat normal.
Me Yelling from outside the house.... (Never had Breakfast and I didn't know I was supposed to be fed and bathed until I went to school) Hey....Momma, I'm hungry, she comes to the door with a slice of cheese. Here eat that, I'm cooking dinner. SOOOO busy drinking beer & watching soap operas. But I didn't always get that slice of cheese. Sometimes it was a spoon of peanut butter......all day. I thank God we lived near the orange groves. At seven I was already walking miles with my Radio Flyer to collect the coke bottles so I could go to the store and get something to eat. And being a child, I always chose candy and soda. That coupled with malnutrition ruined my teeth. It's a constant reminder and a lifetime injury. Dealing with it still. I also had to learn to cook eggs and oatmeal at seven. My sick father (in more ways than one) taught me to cook at seven because my mother always had a hangover and never got up in the mornings.
Having a narcissistic parent is extremely difficult. The things they say and do to you has a lifelong impact. Having someone to help you navigate those feelings and as Dr Les reminds us, live in honesty is what motivates us to move forward in our lives. The narcissist is not keen on doing that. They see your normal-ness as a threat.
bingo!💯🎯
Sad, but my father checks all of those boxes, every single one. I moved to the other side of the world to get away from him. Now, when I do have to meet him (during the holidays) I always make sure to never be alone with him, and to excuse myself the second I see him trying to get under my skin. Thanks for the videos, they're super helpful!
You know your dealing w a narc if they pull that parental alienation card on you 😵💫… and they’ve never been involved w the child’s life
totally know this first hand. He didn’t have any interest in my interests, never taught me any life lessons so Google was my parent when i had to learn to fix my car, the deck, and all sorts of things inc. personal finances, so i grew up doing them myself all my life.
Didn’t like my choice of college goals so i put myself thru regardless of his “offering” to cover the tuition etc.
Mom passes, and not even a couple months go by he tells me “Been thinking of disinheriting you, we have nothing in common”. I wouldn’t totally agree with that, he taught me how to be miserable, suspicious, and have trust issues.
The most painful thing my mother did to me was not the gaslighting and manipulation, but her rejection of my gifts. You see, I never lost hope of pleasing her. Every time I made her a gift on her birthday, she would get annoyed and angry at how useless and tasteless it was, and would make me return it to the store. (Most gifts are 'useless' in the practical sense, aren't they?) It was as if she was denying my very ability to love her. Now I see that she regarded my gifts as an attempt to compete with her, to challenge her 'love' with my own. It was like being imprisoned for life without the possibility of parole because I could never, ever, repay her love with anything of mine. To deny a child's ability and very right to love is the most harmful thing a parent can do.
The painting by Goya, Saturn Devouring His Children, often comes to mind. That is what it feels like. It takes inner strength, determination, and a steady focus on “the better alternatives” to survive one or both narcissistic parents. It can be done; so many here are living proof. ❤ The ultimate disappointment for a narcissistic parent is to see their adult child thriving. 🌞
Gonna check out the Goya painting, thanks, because it sounds like exactly what my mother did to us.
@@SteeleMagnolia An alternative name for it is “Saturn Devouring His Son.” It is grotesque, like what narcissists do to their defenseless little kids. According to mythology, Saturn felt so threatened that he would be replaced by his children that he ate them. As the adult child of a narcissist, that looks like envy and jealousy of the children. So warped. Many of us report parents who think we exist for their consumption. It is a constant vigil to maintain boundaries and avoid being exploited by them. Best wishes for Peace to all of us.
What Goya got wrong is Time himself actually SWALLOWED his children whole. lol It's allegorical, he's seen as also the grim reaper, as time devours everything.
I see what you're saying though. Also Saturn interestingly rules my star's sign.
@@YumegakaMurakumo Saturn is the Roman equivalent to the Greek god Cronus (Cronos , Kronos), also synonymous with Father Time. So, Goya did get it right, as did his predecessor, Rubens. I first saw the image long ago, 40+ years before I ever heard of narcissism, and related so strongly to it that it still comes to mind when my deranged parent is treating me like a morsel to be chewed up, sucked dry, and spit out. All with the attitude of “Bah, that was bland.” Not familiar with what a star sign is, except that mine is a Fire sign. Astrology can get pretty complex and I have never studied it. It is interesting, though. 🪐💫🌝
@@YumegakaMurakumo Yes, you are right about the swallowing. I missed the emphasis you placed on that word when I first read the post. The myth is that Saturn swallowed them whole as soon as they were born. Goya’s work depicts the son as what looks like an adult to me, and he was definitely being eaten piece by piece. Ruben’s earlier work depicts a child, but not a newborn. They took a little artistic license with the myth. I wonder if Goya had a malignant narcissist for a “parent”.
While it sounds reasonable to confront such parents with calmness and kindness, if I'd tried this with my parents, there would have been screaming, cussing and throwing around allegations and maybe even physical violence. (They beat me regularly until I was 18.) Or they would have played the victims and told me how horrible I was. One time, after I'd been practicing yoga and meditation, I merely smiled kindly at my mother while she was off on a conspiracy theory rant. My father whirled around, and in a vicious voice, eyes bugging, shook his finger in my face and yelled, "Don't you dare smile at your mother!" They are dead now from Covid because they believed it was a hoax and wouldn't take precautions. After much therapy, I finally feel free at last.
So sorry for your experience. No one, including you, deserves to be treated like that as a child. It can take a while to reprogram your own brain from the damage that causes as you are developing in childhood. Wishing you a smooth, support-filled journey 🫶🏼
@@Rain9Quinn Thank you for your kindness.
What was your dad thinking? How is it such a bad thing to *smile* at your mom?!? That makes absolutely no sense!
blessings to u!🙏🏽💜
People here most of them know how is to suffer a life of abusive parents- most “fell sorry for you” is actually fell sorry for us. Hope you got the chance to go to their funeral. It is important to see those who harmed us being buried, not being around anymore, you know…
My Narc Mother acted like the very fact of being a child - so needing to be looked after physically - that we did it to spite her and burden her. She liked having a son but felt threatened by her daughters….she was nasty when dad was at work and acted normal when he was home. I grew up ashamed to be alive and take up space on the planet. Getting good grades was the only potential route to approval as having clever kids reflected well on her, yet I was called lazy if I came second in class. Getting top grades would then ignore me and act like I said nothing so praise withheld. I have worked hard to heal all this and value kind people highly as well as developing kindness, grace and courage in myself.
same exact thing with my father, like he was purposely trying to sabotage my happiness. I finally figured it out at 38 yrs old. I said as a kid I'd rather live with my aunt and uncle, they're family felt like teamwork instead of him vs. me. narcs are COWARDLY pathetic 💯💯💯🎯
They exhibit jealousy and envy at the child, the child's toys, talent etc.
Yes yes yes and yes. My father! 100%
Yes as a kid I built this huge lego car and my narc dad could not admit I built it he said he built it lol it's absolutely ridiculous.
How I wish this kind of help had existed when I was growing up. I hope the present day children of narcissists are finding this information on CZcams.
Yes, Dr. Carter: Jump and salute the parent on the way down. If the child doesn't understand, and dares to ask for clarification, that's deemed to be back-talk and grounds for punishment. The child is also called stupid for not intuiting the parent's want. If the child is injured and crying, they're told to shut up, or they'll be given something to really cry about. The parent just sees the child as a prop for their public image. Thank you for triggering more to work on. Gratefully, Janet Hopkins.❤
My mother did exactly these things... they are born from "narc tree"...
I'm in my 50s. It was only in the past two years that a UK Samaritan support worker and narcissistic revovery coach both heard secret recordings of my parent just before I went no contact with them. Besides the usual dismissive talk, put downs and narc equivalent of word salad my parent was putting out, both the Samaritan and my coach pointed out how intimated they felt by my parent's tone. It was so normal for me that it was only then that I realised that even my parents tone was threatening and malevolent and I'd heard that same tone all of my life. In one sentence my parent said "Yeah, it's a horror, been thought it myself".
There it is. Been through it themself and chose to put me through exactly the same thing, without one ounce of remorse, reflection, empathy or willingness to change. There's the crossover to pathological narcissism.
I agree.
Well said Jane! 🙋♀️❤️
It interests me that some people suffer abuse & then seem to think the thing to do is to abuse others & then there are those like myself who are abused & think, "That was absolutely horrible. I definitely will not be doing anything like that to anyone, because it is dreadful." It seems to me that whatever makes the difference is extremely important.
We need to know about these things because going forward we want to reduce the incidence of NPD & Narcissism. In order to do this we need to ensure that all young children have constructive & effective beliefs & thinking.
Although I was brought up by two Narcissists & even from before birth, endured consistant & severe violence & cruelty to the point that I barely survived, I knew & felt, even as a young child, that this was bad & wrong & I felt & knew that I could treat others differently, more kindly & better & wanted to do so.
As an adult I have met malignant narcissists who, because I was trained to be especially vulnerable to narcissistic abuse, have harmed me, including making attempts on my life. (Obviously my situation has improved since I have understood about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.)
Amongst those who have abused me there was one woman who quite clearly herself did not like the way she was behaving. She very sadly said that the truth was that I was just a so much nicer person than her.
This lady was really quite upset about the way she was acting but It did not seem to occur to her that if she did not like the way she was, she could just decide to progressively change the way she was behaving & even how she thought about herself & others. This lady could choose to think about others in a more empathic way & decide to speak to them in a kinder way but this did not even seem to occur to her.
So it is vital that children have the ability to evaluate their own own thinking & behaviour & are encouraged to develop the ability to reflect on them & have beliefs that empower them to feel they can change if they want to.
I believe that we need to have a plan. Every country needs a national plan to reduce the incidence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. We can & should not go on accepting the huge burden of physical & mental health problems & the sheer misery caused by NPD. The suicides, the working days lost, the broken homes, the impairment of education, young people learning behaviour that may well cause them to try to use violence to resolve difficulties & quite likely lead them into behaviour that is harmful, involves addiction & even is criminal.
This has to include everybody, who works with children, teaching empathy by example & needs to include teaching children to question rationally how they are treated & how others around them are being treated & pass on to them strong empowering beliefs about the importance of being able to see when someone is being treated unfairly & being able to understand that is definitely wrong & how to begin changing unfair treatment of themselves or others. Children need to be able to evaluate how they are thinking about themselves & treating others & need to have empowering beliefs that enable them to feel able to bring about changes.
There may well need to be educational 'lunch clubs' & nursery sessions, to help those who are possibly being brought up by narcissists. So they are empowered to choose not to be like their parents.
Children need to have a conscious realisation that the way they are experiencing being treated is not the only way to treat people, & need to feel empowered to choose.
Damn. I'm 34 or so just realised my mom is. I'm done with her and my ex. Have literally no one but I know I'm not that kind of narcissist, my level of narcissism stops at the self care threshold somewhere, like most people. My daughter is gone don't really know how to get her back the organization has made that clear that there is no clear path to getting her back. So many lies have gone out about me over the years it's no wonder. I saw things wrong with some of my cousins parents but I was never able to see just how wrong my own were especially my mom, which makes getting my daughter back even more difficult they know how my mom is and I was partially raised by her but my dad as well. Anyway sorry for the ramble l.
May your path forward be of peace. ❤️🩹
A student at my school said “I’m just being ungrateful” yet they don’t know my mom is a narcissistic person. Total disgusting how somebody judges me and they don’t even know what I’m going through.
"ALL of the above." Yeah. "I'LL give you something to cry for!" (Violence & endless threats of violence.)
When I got picked up qfter running away (due to abuse) my mom's first words were "how could you do this to me"
Having spent years homeless, I noticed that so many of us preferred it over the families we came from. It is a major cause of homelessness and run away(s). It is good you found this while you are young. Best of luck dear :)
As opposed to, Let's talk about how it came to this. (calmly)
Dr. Carter has just described my Mom. As a teen, my Mom set me up for failure in school; signing me up for advance math when I hadn’t mastered the basics; insisting that I take the same courses with the same instructors my brother had. “Choosing” my electives etc. Choosing my college major and the list goes on and on. She’s 97 now and when I talk to her about the academic nightmare I lived because of her, she has insisted that I did poorly because “I was getting back at her” and was deliberately failing so she would look like a terrible mom. She told me I was too dumb to get into a four year college. When I became a Christian, she belittled me as being “weak” for needing Christ , or worse, I had join a cult . The list goes on and on. Both my Sister and I were emotionally and physically abused, but when you’re a kid, you think it’s your fault. I still see her, though. I feel so emotionally empty towards her. She has never admitted that she did the wrong thing. She thinks she righteous.
classic narc!! I got 2 of them. no contact 4 me. 🚫
Man. She can rot in hell. Lol
She is possessed by a demon that spits verbal witchcraft
"Because I said so" was my mother's go-to response.
Seems normal to me
I made a decision while standing on our front porch when I was seven, that I wasn't going to treat my kids the way I was treated. I stuck to it.
Without watching the video (yet), I wanna share a quick story about my dad. He got pretty offended that I like another type of sliced Meat and claimed that I was doing it on purpose to spite him. Happy childhood :)
Edit: Watched the video. Well I checked all the boxes! I'm right now in therapy to define myself and live in defiance of their rules. It can be horrifically destructive growing up with this type of person when they rob you of your self, worth, confidence, trust. But there is always a way out of this misery hole :)
Thanks for your encouraging words!!
Well you know the saying..."Where there's a will, there's a way"🙂.Good luck clawing your way out of that unfortunate hole, you'll be tired once you're finally out of it but you'll be darn glad you did it & proud of yourself too👍🏻👍🏻.
My narci sister once stopped by when in town (she would never sit when she visited, making sure it was rushed), and she had 2 heads of lettuce she wanted to give me, for some reason. First, i live alone, 2nd, they were romain, which i dont use or like. I thanked her very nicely but said I’d pass. ( this was a town where you had ro drive 10 minles to bring garbage to the dump…) she was angry & in ridiculous -how can you not like romain lettuce?! That was roo bizarre for her-someone having different taste had to be messed up…🙄😂
My father had me sit in front on an egg, screaming his head off that I'd eat it (I was not a fussy eater and to this day will not eat fried eggs, I cannot stand them), it went on for what seemed hours as I cried my eyes out. That was his modus operandi whenever he felt like it yet other times he would buy me sweets. It was incredibly confusing and stressful. He hasn't changed ✌
@@bereal6590o you eat boiled eggs? I have been through the same thing but when I turn into a teenager s forced myself to eat eggs they are cheap and easy to cook and have alot of nutrients I started eating them fried with onion now I eat them boiled
My mom is 9/15 on this list. Heavy on the second one. The thing I’m most grateful for is that she is abysmal at concealing it, and everyone I know (other then her) supports me and understands what I’m going through. I’m still 16, and my parents have split custody, which means I’m at my dad’s half the time, which I’m eternally grateful for. But it is grating, to say the least, living with her, and I’m absolutely planning to go no contact when I move out.
Along with this, she has intense control issues, not just with me but with the environment around her, and I think the fact that she can’t control all of the environment around her makes her focus on controlling me more intense. She has done things like control what I eat, when I eat, ask intensely personal questions about my health (unreasonably), refused reasonable requests of privacy, has placed a camera that can see my room’s reflection in a window, not given me access to said camera feeds, limits when and how long I sleep (to an unreasonable amount), gaslights me into thinking I said something, or didn’t say something, or I completely made a situation up where she hurt me, stonewalls the conversation when I try to respond to her, has referred to me as “inferior” and “subordinate”, and much more.
Maybe this is unique to me, but since I have two very different living situations that I switch between every two weeks, I take notice of how different my state of mind is at her house. And when I’m away, I feel free, I feel clear, I feel ready to tackle life. And when I’m at her house, I’m living in the day to day, trying to find a way to get through just this moment, this day, this week, these two weeks, until I can be out of her reach again.
It doesn’t help that we live out of town, she won’t let me get my drivers license, and she is unwilling to drive me places most of the time. I see my friends during school but during breaks it’s all her. All the time.
I really appreciate the video, it’s given me some perspective on some other things she does. Thanks.
Both of my parents were traumatizing narcissists, and recognizing the effects of that on my relationship patterns and sense of self has been quite challenging! This video was validating and informative.
I am 50 and tried to talk to my parents over the years but believed their excuses not to want to talk to me about family issues, until last week where I needed to talk to them about some very important issues and my parents turned it into a great big argument because they wouldn't listen and supported my sibling emotionally despite my siblings criminal behavour in giving my daughter acid when my daughter was 14. Looking back my parents always supported her emotionally and treated me like I was an outsider who didn't need their support. My dad used to be such a loud narcissist and my mum so quiet that I never knew until now that my mum is a narcissist as well as my dad. Now I am all kinds of angry and want to cut my parents off all together, something I would never have in my life thought I would feel the need to do..they often used to tell me to be better to my sister and look after her and told me I am a bad example etc etc then hated that I left home young..they were always hard on me but let her get away with anything, their latest reason is because she would cut them off from their grand child if they say anything that annoys her..something they knew I could never do to them or my kids. My sister is narcissistic too. I am autistic so basically spent my life in confusion when my parents gaslighted me but validated her. Now I know the truth, and was called insane by my mother because I was trying to get my mum and dad to have a simple talk with me. I left them alone until my niece turned 18 THEN tried to talk to them thinking they couldn't be cut off from my niece once she was 18, but they still didn't want to know how I feel about anything. I actually hate my parents now but don't want to give my sister the satisfaction of being rid of me if I cut them all off so I am not sure what I will do. Physically my parents provided for us very well, but emotionally there was no room for me.
I (almost 60) realized over 10 years ago that it was time to walk away from my whole family. I continue to receive letters from my narc father telling me just how bad he thinks I am. He used my 5 siblings as enablers to assist in his abuse. Having lived a life with many people surrounding me to nothing is a hard adjustment. But, my life has been much more pleasant. I loved this video!
I applaud you ALOT😮
Gus looks so peaceful. You can tell he wasn't raised by a narcissistic parent!
You know Dr. Carter my dad has NPD and everything is everyone else's fault. He cannot take accountability. All of those that you have listed is definitely the way the role was in my childhood and still. He has lost all of his children and my mother. I have been able to speak my mind and his response was I didn't lose them, they lost me😢. He is 82 years old and it has gotten worse with age. Thank you for your expertise for I am healing because of your videos and acceptance. God bless
Both of my parents had all of these traits. It’s a wonder how I survived. Still trying to heal. Grieving the loss of childhood is tough. Doing something fun everyday as self - care.
❤
Sounds like a great plan to me. Think I'll try it myself. ❤
keep on doing all the fun things you like to do every day and taking good care of SELF!
bingo!!🙏🏽💜
This is some next level of selfishness. It took me 27 years to realize this.
Wow!! This was and is my dad. And my mom is the co dependent. I’m in my 40’s now and up until recently they very much still treated me as if I were a child. They were treating me very poorly for a very long time and I’ve had to cut communication with them
agreed with everything u said. no contact with them for me too🙏🏽💜
The undermining of confidence by the narc parent, the constant expectation of perfection, the emotional vacancy, the belittling/dismissal of achievements of the child are some of things that distort the foundation the resulting adult will stand on. These wounds cripple the ability of that adult to achieve the life potential he/she would otherwise have realised.
I know! My parents insist on making me less. It’s almost comical at this point and my wife just shakes her head and says “do they have any idea how much you make?” I said “No, they just know what I do and decide for themselves who I am and my income” because it doesn’t matter to them. They want me to be in a box where I am less so they can be more and insult my business. Strange people, very insecure and very delusional parents. Divorced 25yrs ago, no wonder. Selfish pricks. Lol
Religious abuse and favoritism are on the top of my list.
Didn't realize that my mother was a covert malignant narcissist until 5 years after she died. I was her FULLTIME caretaker for the last 5 years of her life. No one left alive who knew her. I am alone at 71 years. She told my sister and I over and over again not to have children...it wasn't worth it. We didn't. My sister killed herself at 55. I was 53. The family empathetic. I was told that I was too sensitive. She said the same about my father. As if it was a flaw instead of an asset.
Exactly I was always wondering WHAT DID I DO NOW? you really don't have to DO or SAY anything they get their jollies from seeing you confused and suffering emotionally and mentally and if the feel like it they will throw in physically depending on the child's age most of the time!! Very good video Dr. C❣️
Chrcklist(S) plural. There are some things on the adult checklist that are missing from that of the children version and vice versa. Sadly, my kids don’t want children because of the cruelty they are seeing and experiencing in our fallen narcissistic world. I completely understand their viewpoint. They also know much of narcissism is basically inherited/ingrained and they are choosing to stop the crazy cycle their dad and I gave them as an example. I know I’m not to blame but eventually I did what Dr Ramani says are the four most dangerous words in the English language. Eventually I understood the weird feelings I was getting were indeed red flags and still I gave him the “benefit of the doubt.” I didn’t know what I didn’t know. So if *I* didn’t know- when I imagine how not knowing multiplies for children in narcissistic homes… that’s one of the reasons I was determined to figure out what the hellO was going on… I KNEW there had to be name for it and a way out of it and for my kids’ sakes, I had to figure out how to get out. Still, my kids are still dealing with the shrapnel. So the children’s checklist for a narcissistic parent switches to the adult checklist and life keeps moving forward. The saddest part is… yes, there’s help through therapy… BUT NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT OR ADDRESSING THE PROBLEM OF NARCISSISM (not yelling… using caps to stress importance.) The narcissist’s checklists aren’t being talked about in therapy so even as adults, the children can’t seem to break away from the narcissistic parent. And if they do, it’s so danged hard and a super long process. The key is self awareness, self love (the opposite of selfish love,) and self care (not to be confused with “treat yo self” care.) But even those things can’t come until the child becomes an adult. If we could just scoop up all the children suffering, especially the ones behind closed doors… or figure out a way to neutralize the damned checklists! we’d live in a much better world.
Your words here are so essential, Kelly. Thanks for sharing who you are. You are inspiring.
Yep I'm a adult child of a narcissist & I can honestly say that it would've helped me so much if I had this info as a child...It should be required as part of all children's education in school starting in elementary school.For me personally it's actually given me a more positive outlook on the 🌎 & makes me 👀 forward to raising my own children in a much healthier manner with the education they need about this so they can live safe healthy lives & make this 🌎 work for them so much better🙂👍🏻👍🏻.
@@malwads1836 agreed 🎯
@@AlwaysStampinVideos Hi KellyJean. Your words about self love / selfish love, self care / treat yo self care really get me thinking about how we need to "be", and about how we can spot in others how we don't want to "be"
Thank you for that. Your words generate thought and feelings as always. For me, it's a very nice process, as I think I am getting better at so many different aspects of proper self care.
So, I'm still here KellyJean, 1 heart attack on (Feb 20) from when we last messaged. I'm recovering well and ready to get back to work next week. I sent you a long message a few weeks back on one of your comments with all the deets.
I'm 6 months free from my crazy relationship now, after being granted a "Non Molestation Order" by a UK court, which required my nex to leave.
I'm in good shape (apart from the heart attack, which was just a bump on the healing path) and for the FIRST time in my life, able to establish boundaries.
I am blessed with quite overwhelming support from friends and neighbours. Not quite so much from family, but that's another story, as there's a few with what I can "see" now as N traits...
I have NOT forgotten about you KellyJean. I'm visiting my folks in Bath again, and we go often to The Secret Garden Cafe, the one with about 40 or so exotic teas on the menu, and I always think of you, wondering how your exciting project is progressing.
If I read and remember correctly, I think you might be opening in May 10??
Is that right?
So... All the very best for a fantastic fabulous opening and future fun and success!
You've dreamed of it, you've worked for it, and God will know you deserve it to be a wonderful part of your future.
Good luck KellyJean. May you and your new venture Grow and Glow! 👍👋🙏🙏
@@sturobertson6791 hey Stu! So sorry about your health! I’m so glad you’re alright and getting better!
Sorry i missed the other post. It’s so weird how I have my notifications on for CZcams but i sometimes don’t get notifications.
The store is coming along. My fit and finish crew is here now building out my shelves and stations. They will finished in a week and then corporate comes to train me and my staff and help set up the store. Then Friends and Family event and finally store opening 🥳🎉 Thx for asking!
I feel so sorry for my mother. I know she was treated horribly but just didn't grow up at a time when therapy was even an option. It doesn't justify anything that has happened since. But I will always feel sad for her. And that is hard to deal with.
I’m 52 and my father who was a narcissist died 25 years ago and I was actually pleased when he died and I now realise that not only did he introduce a massive negative by being a narc but there was also a lack of a positive as he was never there as a father.
Christ is Risen Dr. Carter! Thank you for this recording on narcissistic parents. Personally, I think that living with a narcissistic parent is like one living with a chronic, debilitating disease.
Christianity/New Testament/go-SPEL belief is the perfect religion for a narcissist. They get to cast their sins onto a innocent.
@@amandak9945 ..the Tanakh erroneously known as the Old Testament is the exact opposite of someone else dying for sins. It teaches to take responsibility for your own sins and to repent. No one can die for the sins for another. It’s about growing into a better human being. Most narcissists I know are NT /go-SPEL believers.
bingo!💯🎯
My mother had many but not all of these characteristics. The hardest for me to accept was that she despised me, and had no respect for me. She often threatened to cut me off and in the end she did cut me off. I could have been dead in the gutter for all she knew.
It's not as though I am a criminal or a drug addict. I am quite a vulnerable person, but hardworking and educated. I managed to become a professional and own my own home. So I am a fully functional decent and contributing member of society. But I was treated as a criminal by my family, simply for speaking the truth.
My mom is a narc.
It’s been hell.
Now family members have said they will “protect her”.
Entire family is screwed up.
I had an inkling that my mother was a narcissist. It was that time when she said,
"To hell with your dreams! What about me?? It is all about me! I gave birth to you so you could look after me! Not look after yourself!! Who the fuck do you think you are trying to care for your self!? Your first priority should be ME! Not you! Why? Because I fucking made you! I OWN ALL OF YOU! Everything that you are or ever will be is because of me! You OWE me!! And you will never EVER be able to repay your debt! You hear that!!!"
My father is a sociopath. All through my childhood, he was in competition with me and my siblings. If I got a good job, I better not be making more than him. If my mom wanted time with me or her family, he would make her feel guilty and criticize her family. He would fake cry to manipulate her. I got rid of him. No regrets.
What do you mean you got rid of him?
Poor choice of words. Lol. I ended all communication. He still tries to contact me and my siblings, but no one is willing to go through that abuse.
My narcissistic mother and narcissistic father...ruined my life...I'm now 64. Not only was my childhood painful and abused in many ways.
No shock, I grew up with low self esteem, and have been diagnosed with Cptsd/childhood trauma. It set me up to choose abusive partners/husbands/friends etc. I say they ruined my life not because I've given up, but because the ramifications of their behaviour was entrenched/ reinforced, and at my age it's hard to change the mindset. By the time I was twigging that they had the problem in my early 40s....information was like hens teeth..hard to find. The internet is now a different place....thankfully to younger people
I’m 25 years old. I have autism spectrum disorder, and adhd and symptoms of cored but was never diagnosed with it: I’ve been no contact for 6 months except for one time I had to go back to get paperwork from their house: it’s been hard but so much has changed and I’m a much better person
My father meets each of these.
I am leaving the relationship forever. I have spent decades putting up with this toxic individual and want to be in peace.
I am so grateful for your lectures and I love seeing your little dog!
Millinials are so use to this mess and we aren’t dealing with it anymore
Whenever I tried to discuss anything that might put my narc in a bad light she would immediately go to the bathroom sit on the floor and put a bag over head threatening to kill herself. This has happened 20+ times.
The topic I wanted to discuss with here (that would put her in a bad light) was her cheating on me at school as soon as I dropped out (we went to school together). Her response was to run away and put a paper bag over head threatening to kill herself. This ridiculousness has taken its toll on my sanity.
In my opinion these people are reptiles with unlimited remorseless evil, there will be no convincing them in my opinion. I'm a shell of my former self and am currently escaping. Good luck everyone.
agreed!! stay strong and become stronger, no contact is the best way!💪🏾💜...🚫
I would like to say hello, again, to everybody. My recovery has been slow but steady, and I was optimistic until this week when all of my HVAC tools were stolen. Now I'm full of Hatred-anger, and I can't stop thinking that real life is still BAD
My narc father said, “ I don’t care if he lives or dies” when I got my stroke several weeks ago (im 51).
As an adult in her 30s…it’s so difficult to have almost all of these traits in my parents. Thank you Dr. C!
same🙏🏽💜 no contact 🚫
Whoa!! Spot on! I put a check mark next to every item on the checklist. Plus a few more. I was beat into submission, I was slapped for expressing my own opinion, conditional love? No love at all for me, one time I said “dad is there anything I do that pleases you”. Answer: it’s a father’s prerogative to preach not praise! As a child living this way it’s total survival mode. I had no ability to know who I was, or discern my father’s outlandish behavior and demands of me. I just kept trying harder and harder to do better by his standards. Thank God children grow up and leave and are able to get help to put a world of abuse into perspective. I was always OK, my father was a arrogant selfish bully but I loved him anyway.😢
When I was raising my kids, other expert parents would chide me for being too friendly with my children. I never argued with the experts. They just did not understand love.
Mom ticked all those boxes but turned out to be a great role model in child rearing because I just did everything the opposite of how she did it and my kids turned out to be kind, hard- working citizens with intact families. Thanks Mom!
Yes, this list is only scratching the surface of so many damaging behaviors of narcissisistic parents, Dr C. One of the most despicable that I have witnessed is intentionally raising children to be incompetent so that they will be financially dependent upon them and they can maintain control over their lives even in adulthood. 🤢 Blessings to you both and Gus from California. 🐕
Yup ✌
I find it hard to believe that there is such an intention, incompetence comes as a side efect not as something planned.
@quebrandomitos5910 There are other videos by Dr. C and other experts that would help you to understand the insidious nature of some narcissists.
Checking off the list, and basically I’ve checked off all of them. One big one stood out, she never apologizes at all! It’s so sad.
My mom will, but she will cry and turn it around to make you feel bad because she feels bad, for her apology. Typical psycho.
Why learn life by trial and error. Why not teach what works in the schools.
What should they know before messing up their life by trial and error. That is the question.
How about a working relationship.
Why wait to the end of ones life to learn what you can know presently.
Professionals like Dr Carter and many in his field is the answer. There is help.
Well.. u have just described a lot of my childhood years, like my dad would never let me argue with him and if so, he would always have the last word and in case he didnt, he beated the s*** out of me with all kind of objects, whatever is closer to him, could be a shoe, a belt, a branch of a tree called "privets",etc. Other way of "discipline" was making us get down on our knees on top of sand for no time limit, it could be half and hour, 2 hours. His mindset was like, when u do wrong u get disciplined, when u do right, nothing good happens because thats what u should do, never a compliment when we achieved a goal or just any good gesture to cheer us. He was never close to us sentimentally, the only time he said "i love you" to me was when i was leaving his house after a fight, cause i was tired of the way he treated me, that was the only time in my 29yo life he said it, and im glad i recognized he was trying to manipulate me and i just left.
We are 3 male sons, 2 of us have left the relationship with him and he talks about us to people or posts in social media braging about our goals while he doesnt even talk to us. For outsiders he is dad of the year. I think nobody really know he doesnt talk to us, i actually dont know what he has being saying but people send him greeting for us and he acts just normal. He cant say im sorry, he just cant. He lost two sons and never say sorry, never. Always find a way to prove he's right (in his mind own obviously).
So, i made the list and this is what i got:
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I've been in a couple for a few years now and she is starting to talk about having a kid you know, and im so scared of it because of this, i just dont want to make the same things my dad did to us, i know i have to change things inside me to being able to raise a child on a healthy way, i look at my dad and i know i dont want to be like him, not even close. I've changed a lot of stuff, my couple has helped me to talk about a lot of things, and i just want to keep changing to a better person. Thank u for your work, ill keep watching for sure, im crying u know, relief i think it is. I barely cry, only when i think about my mom, its hard to me to show vulnerability. Sorry if my english is not good enough, i did my best. Cheers man, and again, thank you.
BINGO! and then there's the set-up: ask you something seemingly innocent that is actually a set-up for future ammo. Or is an insult in disguise.
1. "Maximum telling, minimal discussing."
Lately I've been thinking how there's never any conversations, it's just yelling, screaming, shouting, etc, extreme anger and chaos, extreme abuse and extreme trauma. My father will never discuss anything with me, it's just punishments to appease his narc wife. Hell, if his wife says I'm a piece of trash or something, and I Tell her to leave me alone, he will turn bright red in the face and start yelling at me to leave her alone." Basically I was taught it's okay to abuse me, and if I try to defend myself, someone else will attack me and defend the other person. I'VE NEVER been defended in my life by anyone.... Except maybe 1-2 incidents, but those incidents lead to more abuse.
One time I was beat and blamed/scapegoated for something when I was 6 years old, and for my entire life I would say "if only he listed to me... If only he heard my side of the story..." Now I reailze, he never cared to listen or to hear my side of the story, he just wants to appease his wife who's never happy.
Whenever I would sit him down and tell him how I feel... All I would initially get was that I was exaggerating and too sensitive, and then say things such as "it takes 2 to tango."
The last couple of days I realized ("I takes 2 to tango, yet I'm the only one who's ever tangoing," when it comes to my relationship with my father.)
then he would start to acknowledge it and say "I'm sorry, but I'm too old to change," meaning he isn't sorry, because he's changed so much in the last 3 years due to political stuff, so it's a bunch of bullshit. He doesn't want to change because he doesn't care about changing for me.
The last few times i sat him down and basically said we have no more relationship, and that he ruined me, and all I got was "I'm sorry" and him starting to cry.... The last time I just wanted to say "STOP CRYING, I'M THE ONE WHO'S SUPPOSED OT BE CRYING... UI'M THE ONE WHO'S SUFFER3ED AND BEEN ABUSED... HOW CAN YOU THE ABUSER CRY?"
2. "Reminders about the chain of command." My mother would abuse me and say that "we are on different levels," so she could do whatever she wanted, and I had to accept it, because she was the parent.
As if the one on top shouldn't be the one who is kind and nice and leads.
Exactly. You're supposed to be one crying.
" They ( I don't like to call them out) use mirroring to give off the perception of being the victim's.."
@@l.ameenaa4669 Yeah, it's really messed up.
So by mirroring they themselves are pretending they are you? Trying to empathize, even though they really don't/cannot show empathy, or even sympathy?
Part of me just knows that my dad had it rough too growing up and that he gets hurt, but it can't just be me getting hurt and then others "Feeling bad," when they were the ones who hurt me.
I believe this also causes the affect of me having to forgo my feelings for others, which is what I've had to do my entire life.
It was always about THEIR FEELINGS and I was to blame for them.
There were times I would try to tell my dad how what he's doing is hurting me, and then he would change the subject to how he was hurt in the past ... Making it all about him.... Invalidating me and my problems.
THen he will say "well, everyone has problems/issues."
He thinks that all of these problems stem from us living together and that it will magically be better when I leave and then we can be a great big family again...
No dad.... When i leave I never want to see either of you again at this point... and it crushes me. My entire life I was okay with leaving my mother, but I thought I would have a relationship with my father.
I have ADHD and apparently so does my father, so It's possible my father has more than just ADHD and is just mentally messed up in a way and cannot comprehend certain things. I myself a bit messed up mentally, but I think a lot of that was due to be drugged with Ritalin for almost 8 years of my childhood life(7-13/14), and I'm not very good with some social situations and stuff, however, with the ADHD I think differently, and sometimes I do things that others might find weird so it's possible there's more to my father.
All of this is just ... rough.
Especially since my goal is to have a BIG family, and I also am very traditional/old-school in ways (I want to be a farmer and be self-sufficient). For having a big family the thought of multiple wives also comes into play, because I don't know how many children a single wife can give me.
However.... How can I, as a man, even get 1 wife of quality and of the values I want in a woman, hopefully coming from a farming background that has skills in hunting, fishing, etc...
That would want a man who doesn't have a relationship with his parents, when I expect her to have a firm bond and relationship with her family.
It really messes me up because i don't know if I will even be able to be the man for the wife I want, by lacking the family and structure. That is why I hope to find a woman with a family that like, and I just hope that I will be welcomed.
Thank you for your time and listening, have a great day.
@@AlvinKazu hi AlvinK
Don't pressure yourself !
You can only do your best.
First and foremost is to learn to love yourself again - yes, self love.
Talk it out with a therapist so you can learn to set healthy boundaries, etc, and heal.
Because otherwise, hurt people hurt people. We don't wanna be part of that. We wanna break the cycle of abuse. For the next generation
Best wishes and hope you have a great day!
My dad fits the entire list. He recently cut me out of his life again because I wouldn't give into his demands. I'm an adult with kids of my own. He yelled at me "I am ENTITLED to see my grandkids!" No, no he's not. My step mother was physically abusive towards me when I was a small child and I told him and he called me a liar. When I showed him my injuries he cried and told me not to tell anyone because that would ruin his life. I kept secrets of abuse because I didn't want to ruin my dad's life. He was a Jekyll/Hyde type and I didn't want Jekyll to get into trouble, I really wanted him to love me like a dad and I jumped through impossible hoops for years. Now days, I'm trying to push myself to just block him out of my life completely. Every time he texts or calls me, I start physically shaking all over because just being around him causes me a lot of anxiety.
Oh man, if my father dare do that he’d never see them. He’d also be leaving my house immediately, or else he would be assisted by force. You must own your home and tell your parents off as hard as possible if they DARE to ever talk back. They shut their mouths and listen, that is what they can do. Just like children.
My father tonight, after I picked him up from the hospital (after he went AMA), assassinated my character in every way. Made fun of me for attempting suicide in high school. This video is 100% father. I’d never seen anyone throw a tantrum like my father in my life (and I’m a Doctor). I was astounded. Like in awe.
As a adult child of a full-blown narcissist...Info like this gives me a much brighter outlook on life because I'm able to maneuver so much more effectively in this 🌎 & I can 😴 at 🌃 knowing that I'll be raising my own children with this critical knowledge so they can make this 🌎 work better for them too😁👍🏻👍🏻.Yes there's a lot more narcissistic individuals out there these days...But you can keep yourself safe if you know this info & you can educate your own family about it,this info actually makes this 🌎 a lot less dark/scary...It's nothing like the dark brutal hopeless place that my own narc parent tried to say it was when I was a child,that was just his twisted thinking & him trying to manipulate me into 💭 I can't function without him...NOT actual reality🙂. I'm so happy to 👀 this video coming soon Dr.Carter because it helps so many folks that had to grow up with these very deranged & fundamentally lacking individuals.I hope you'll keep doing this until you're pushing up daisies🤗...It makes such a huge difference👍🏻.
I am very grateful for Dr Carters work, which has finally helped me make sense of why my parents treated me as they did, so that I do not have to be worrying about it every night.
@@sarahstrong7174soooo true