I am completely financially dependent on him. He encouraged me to leave my 30 year career in Social Work. Now I have Complex PTSD, and an auto immune disorder that severely limits what kind of job I can do. Even though I own the home we live in, I am trapped. But not for long. I am building strength, I will escape!
You can do this. There are jobs in the field that you control your own schedule. I am a SW also. Stay strong and seek professional organizations that may be able to help you prepare to leave the relationship.
Living with a financially abusive narc is like living in custody, imprisoned without any escape until you REALIZE being anywhere is better. Escape is critical.
I was In that position and I left without a cent after more than a decade marriage. I left all my right there,took my kids and escaped from him. He is on tinder,on sugardady websites, he pays young women but still does not pay child support after 2 years. This people are monsters disguised in charming human beings.
@@ich6636you can collaterilize your children to your state Juvenile Mortgage And çollateral Bank and obtain 30 year loan amortized. For healthy non delinquent juveniles you can get 100,000 dollars. They will be sent to plantation in Louisiana or brothel for military personnel in Poland who are about to enter Ukraine on a suicide mission to sabotage Russian nuclear missiles called THE SATAN 2 . thats it in a nutshell
“Just like the car in their driveway or the watch on their arm, they view relationships and people as things that are bought and paid for.” Yep, that sums it up nicely!
80Islandia -- When Dr. Ramani said "bought and paid for!", I had a flashback to the red-flag moment in my fiance's car, driving away from the jewelry store together, looking down at my sparkling engagement ring with quiet joy -- when he suddenly removed his right hand from the steering wheel to slap it heavily down on my left knee with a shout of, "BOUGHT AND PAID FOR!". I was stunned speechless straight into Freeze Mode, looking mutely at him with tears of pain in my eyes and mentally reeling at the revelation that he wasn't experiencing any feelings of love or joy at this milestone of our future together ... that I was just an objectified milestone of HIS success as a man (I had my own job & my own rowhome, so didn't "need" his income; i think that definitely drove part of his misogyny like a part of him hated that he craved my sweetness & kindness). The alarm bells were ringing from my gut instincts. I sat mutely swallowing my tears and contemplated giving him the engagement ring when he drove us back to his sister's house where my car was parked. But he'd already trained me to dread his explosive temper (which was exactly like my narc Mom's explosive temper), so like a typical Stockholm Syndrome victim, I made mental excuses to talk myself out of cancelling our engagement by reminding myself that he had a crass side and didn't realize how hurtful he comment was. Needless to say I learned a lot more about how I was "bought and paid for" after we married, settled down, and i was quickly discarded as he focused on his career & secret porn addiction. It took me 5 painful years of futile praying that my love & kindness would help him realize he didn't need porn when he had me...to no avail. When the pain of being treated like a sexless roommate (while he satisfied himself with porn & gave me excuses) became greater than my fear of divorce, I grew a spine and calmly told him I wanted a divorce -- and that I wished him well to stop using porn with the next woman in his life, because I didn't trust him anymore. It was scary & stressful but worth every minute to reclaim my joy and rebuild a new life for myself in Christ, among safe, authentically humble people who I've chosen wisely with my gut instincts. God bless everyone here. I pray everyone reclaims their birthright to a joyful life, free from toxic abusers. Wishing everyone dignity, respect, and peace. 💜🙏💜
For a narc money is power… so true !! Never believe a person who says “I will take care of everything… you don’t have to work”!! A person who loves you would want you to be financially independent…always !!
Not necessarily...I have seen some wonderful healthy men who are providers and do not use money as power over their partners heads...aka they are. not narcs
Great thing to teach her. Self sufficiency .It helps and saves life.Coming from a Narcissist abuse survivor . It was one of the main traits that essentially saved me.Self sufficiency.
Good in theory, but unrealistic. It's all fun and games not having a safety net and caring for yourself until you end up sick and/or disabled and unable to work. There's no such thing as not relying on others. Well, there is. It's called homelessness, neglect, and death from illness that could have been treatable.
@@jp8649 Yeah. I was thinking the same thing. Conditioning someone to be self reliant and not dependent on someone else can often be a catch 22. People instill this lesson in those they care for out of good intentions but there is a dysfunctional aspect to it as well that keeps them from true intimacy and trust.
Financial abuse is real even with narc parents. The matriarch disabled me and then keeps me trapped financially and has thwarted every attempt I make to get independence. I used to describe it as breaking my legs every time I stand up and then yelling at me for being weak and not able to stand on my own...now I know it's real and financial/psychological narcissistic abuse and pretty devastating for it to be from the person who is supposed to help you succeed in life. She robbed me of my whole life. It's so sick and took me decades to see it. There's a special place in hell for parents who do this. 🤬
I am so sorry your mother's done such a horrible thing to you. It's really horrible because it makes you helpless, which is the goal. Can you tell my dad did the same thing to me? You perfectly described it, a la (non-physically) breaking your legs and yelling at you for not being able to stand. I hope you get or stay free from your sabotaging Nparent.
@@Shell.29 thank you! I'm digging myself out but wow...what a horrible position to be by your own parent! Luckily my Dad was a sweetheart and he refused to let any family member be left on the streets but he died in 2016 and that's why what she's been doing became crystal clear now that she holds the purse strings. It's devastating and I think coming from the patriarch it would be even more terrifying. Stay strong. Narcs are going down. Their games are being exposed and everyone who has the strength to speak up for themselves and others is all it takes to shut them down. The good thing about emotional legs is they grow back stronger every time they get broken...sounds like you and I have legs of steel now!💖🐾🗡🥰
I can relate and your analogy is spot on. I have lower back pain constantly now since my “legs” were last broken. When my mother was taking back control over everything, it was so odd-the movie Misery was playing everywhere on cable. I couldn’t get away from it. It wasn’t Halloween or anything and I hadn’t heard about it in years, but all of a sudden it was like every day. That sticks with me now and I swear it was a warning from someone.
I have always said Narc father will break my legs in secret and then swoop in carry me in public. (And complain about how heavy I am.) Never a hand up...The only way to get any help is to agree to be carried the whole way.
Oh yes! This is soooo timely. My ex's main abuse pattern is through finances. He earns a six-figure salary, during our marriage I looked after the kids and always felt poor. Now I earn a quarter of what he earns, and feel financially so amazingly comfortable. I now have full control of a smaller income, which is liberating
This was my mom's story, too. It's so nice that she can just buy herself little things that she wants now. You do it too. And think of me smiling about my mom and her waffle iron, her garden shears, and her very occasional KFC.
My ex was completely this way. He, however, decided that HE didn't have to bother to work after our kids had gotten into school. He conveniently & constantly would "get hurt" or have some other excuse why he didn't work. After several major things happened in our lives & I was unable to work for awhile, he became physically & verbally more abusive. I was finally able to leave & divorce him. He seriously tried to have me STILL pay all of his bills after we separated! He also seriously believed that if he didn't sign the divorce papers, then it wouldn't happen! He had SO many people believing his stories! And of course he NEVER paid child support!
I'm a survivor of exactly this. It has ruined me and I'll feel the effects for the rest of my life. You go from believing you have a secure future, to suddenly having no future. This ought to be recognised as a crime 😠
That's why I moved out on my own when I was 25. Going through old receipts, I found I was paying for rental washer/dryer. I'd totally forgotten I was doing that. If I stayed, I think mom would had me pay for everything, in addition to paying my half of the rent. So glad I live by myself.
My ex was so financially controlling. I just thought he was cheap, but it was worse than that. I literally never had money in my pocket, not even a dollar. I used to go with my friend to the mall a day or two a week, but never bought anything, ever! One time, before I was leaving, I went to go take a couple of dollars, just for pocket money, he asked, “For???” I said, answered, in case we get thirsty & we want to sit down & buy a soda. He laughed a maniacal laugh...something out of a movie! He said, go to the water fountain. Another time, I went to return a library book, which was just a day late. The fine was $0.15. I went into the change section of my wallet, because I knew I had a few coins in there. It was all gone! Not one cent!! I became emotional, and apologized to the clerk, telling her that my husband must’ve needed change for the vending machine at work. I was mortified! She gave me a knowing smile & told me don’t worry about the fine & to have a great day. I’ve been away from him for decades, but the memories still rear their ugly head.
@@TheLamba444 I was fortunate that he was away on business quite a bit. During the time he was gone, I started to work little odd jobs (babysitting, etc) to get my hands on money any way I could. I also used that time to clear my head & realize what an asshole he truly was! Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t that clear cut, it happened decades ago, so I’m just glossing over it all right now. A huge help, was that we had no kids together. When I started becoming my own person again, when he came home, he noticed the change in me. As I began to like myself again, he liked me less & less. Eventually he discarded me, realizing I was no longer under his control. I’ve learned these terms & little details recently by watching CZcams videos. Being discarded was, what I like to call, addition by subtraction. I know it’s probably a different situation for you, but my best advice is to save money any way you can, even if it’s just a couple dollars a week. Start hatching an escape plan very secretly. Don’t let on! Do you have any supportive, trustworthy family or friends? You can write back to me if you want. Just know you’re not alone!
That is so sad! It makes me unhappy for you just hearing it 😢 If I knew you, I’d have found a way to give you as much as I could, right in front of him. That’s deeply abusive, making someone feel so undeserving, I’m very sorry
It is transactional. “I gave you this money so you owe me” You owe me your time and everything you have in life” almost like I bought you, so can abuse you and you can give me supply.
I remember when I was living with my ex narc and struggling, he wouldn't even give me a dime. I had enough and got a secret job dancing at a strip club. He was mad when he found out, but as soon as he saw me making money, THEN he wanted us to set up a joint account! Nope. I saved my money, moved the hell out, then all hell broke loose.
Cultures fostering narcissists is a real thing. I'm thinking about American culture and our unspoken system of who can get the financial benefits of their work.
@@jds0981 Yep. Only the glamorous, most popular with the prettiest fake teeth veneer will be hired for the job, listed to, believed or have their voices heard. Anyone else who doesn't have any beauty there that meets the eye is despised, rejected & ultimately fired (Isaiah 53). To survive in this world (John 16:33), one must become evil or just like the other narcissistic people that he/she surrounds themselves with (breads narcissists).
@Uzma Zaidi - They are also VERY misogynistic societies. Women are highly undervalued in Pakistan & in more rural or under-educated parts of India. Also in many African countries, too. Girls are considered as not worthy of the $$$ it costs to educate! 🤯💔🤯 Plus, the more the girls & women stay un-educated, the easier they are to control & abuse, they have no knowledge on how to fight back against the system, nor any $$$ to leave an abusive marriage. So, so heartbreaking.
I’ve been waiting for this topic thank you It’s better to be alone at 21,000 a year then be miserable at 100,000 with a narcissist I can pay my own rent
To anyone else who is also financially stuck, I hope things turn around for you very soon, it's going to get better, hang in there, things will improve, life has it's ebbs and flows, what is down must go up again.
My ex husband still reminds me how he brought me from Africa to Germany. He rushed me into a marriage, letting me leave my job in my country. Showering me with money before I got my visa to join him in Germany. Coming to Germany me and children didn’t have health insurance because he had a private insurance which he didn’t want to register us in . Even our new born son that we share. That couldn’t even give ten euros. He was all the children money from the government. He would tell everyday how he is doing everything for us. When I left him and the children‘s money was diverted to my account, he cried tears.I am so happy to be divorced, he doesn’t pay child support. But me and children finally have peace
I was the one who made millions of dollars in our nearly 20 year marriage. I handed him control of ALL the finances. Last summer when the straw broke the camels back I wanted to get at my money to retain a lawyer and he had embezzled all my money and transferred everything into his name. I had counseled women for years trapped in financially abusive relationships. I never imagined I would end up in that way. I had to give everything to him and walked away with all the debt and my Freedom,. It is still so difficult to wrap my head around this. I am reeling and beating myself up for having waited so long. But, alas, I now see and can never unsee the abuse and tactics. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all that you do to help us become Narcissistic Informed.
@@dianevanderlinden3480 Oh my goodness me too. My Narc father kept changing his jobs and moving the family 8 times. I never had a stable life, he never let us socialize saying the school was important (and when we kept changing schools 8 times I had to focus on school just to get by). My whole life I've had such stress, anxiety, and a sense of self-hate (for not being the daughter my parents could be proud of). When I look at other people my age (in my early 20s) getting jobs and having life-long friends, being in loving relationships, etc I feel left behind and feel lonely because I can't even explain why I am so anxious and introverted. I now only ruly love and have my mom (a literal kind angel), my sister, and maternal grandparents.
My ex narc was a bit different in that he led me on to believe he had a career and could easily find work and make money. He brought me from my country to his, promising me he'd get things in order for me so I could work, etc. It ended up he kept me from that and neither would he work, leaving us in poverty and me unable to get legal status. I was literally trapped and completely dependent on him for everything. For 12 years I had no money, no transportation, no health care, couldn't work, couldn't do anything. But finally I became so utterly miserable after enduring 12 years of many types of abuse and I left out of desperation even though I didn't know what would happen. I was able to find help and am now rebuilding my life. He tried to keep me trapped so I could never leave him but thank God I got the courage to leave and found the help I needed to move on.
@@eddierayvanlynch6133 thank you! That's why I share my story because there are so many people in these kinds of abusive relationships that think they are trapped. There is help out there. You don't have to stay.
My story is almost likewise. I moved from Italy to US for him. Quit my wonderful job and my wonderful life in order to build up a new family together. While I was getting my legal status(it took 7 months) I started to realize he had never been really interested in me rather in what he could steal from me and from my life. I had the courage to leave as soon as the so called pandemic started and went back where I belong. I miss Florida so much. I’ll loose my Resident Status probably, but I got my health and happiness back!
I had a very similar situation except I worked on my legal status when I realized he lied to me ( said he had an MBA, makes enough money to provide ; we lived with his narcissistic parents for 8 years , no insurance , no transportation). He put me in debt when I started working ( car tickets for speeding, ilegal parking also buying memberships I didn’t sign for ). Last drop was when he asked me to pay for bills in the house after knowing I had to pay for the debts he put me on. I got a drivers license ( I had a car bought by my family which he used before I could ) and found a better job . I left 2 years ago and now I know how horrible this could be . Oh yes ! He filed taxes for me and my kids, got the money and I never saw a penny of it .
I made the mistake of letting him manage the family finances including my pay. I used to have to explain even my trivial credit card charges. Actually, I was earning more than he was; I feel so stupid in retrospect. Thankfully, I’m happily divorced now, so I enjoy my own earnings!
That’s what my dad does all the time and he’s good at it, he controls people using money. I just can’t wait to finish my studies and be financially independent and run away as far as I can...
I don't know your exact situation but I am willing to bet that you're a better student than your dad ever was. Your patience WILL reward you. I promise!
Get scholarships and bursaries if you can! Work hard so you can study knowing you are trying your best to be independent. Do well in school, get a good job and get FAR FAR AWAY!
I'm cheering for you!!! I did the same and my dad has spent the last 20 years blowing smoke out of his ears because he has no method to control me and can't even get me to return his calls. I just sit and watch it ring with joy and satisfaction. Good luck and please done give up.
Yes! Bought me a car, gave me a credit card, a rolex, vacations etc etc. Got me to quit my job. I felt so trapped! Slowly , i gained a job and planned my exit strategy. He wanted me to move in, with my children. I couldnt do it, the abuse would have trickled to my children. My intuition was screaming, DON’T DO It. I love a modest life now and still struggle. Healing is constant process, yet i stand on my own to feet. Its been 5 years since i escaped. And i am Still healing. The financial, emotional, And spiritual abuse, was torture.
I kid you not, I was literally and I mean literally just thinking about this when I got this notification! 🤯 I haven’t even gotten through the video yet but I know it’s gonna be helpful! Thank you!
I'm starting to think that these smartphones are tapping conversations because too many times the very issue that's going on in my home just pops up on my feed..🤔 I needed it anyway..
yes they love to do that - I paid for this - I've done all of this for you- it always has to do with money for them because that is how they see the world and people - transactional things to buy and control.
My narcissist “mother” made me work to support her for years instead of sending me to college. And implied I was lazy whenever I happened to be on sick leave.
Same, I never got to go. :( I mean I went, but unsuccessfully. It just made her angrier and she winded up putting so much financial stress and emotional stress on me that I couldn’t finish.
My narc mom insisted I go, but had no resources for me to go. When I had money left over from my student loans after paying tuition and buying books, I gave it to her. After graduating, student loans came calling. I was underemployed initially and had difficulty paying. They garnished my wages. I called my mom and asked if I could move back home temporarily until the garnishment ended. She told me no. As a result, I struggled for _years_. Fast forward to last year. I'm gainfully employed, own my home and am financially sound. This heifer now expects _me_ to save her house from foreclosure. Mind you, that the house was even _allowed_ to go into foreclosure was manipulation! She miscalculated, though. I healed myself last year and chose not to give a dime, which forced her to file bankruptcy. We have barely spoken since, and I'm fine with that.
My narc mother actually resented the fact that my brother and I went to college for several reasons: 1) We should have instead been working more to support her. 2) We were accomplishing something she could never do 3) We would become independent as a result. Not only did she contribute nothing to our educations, she even charged us rent to live in the house she took from my father in the divorce. In an effort to dissuade my brother from going away to college, where she would no longer receive rent from him while he's living elsewhere, she told my brother, "Fine ... you go to college, I hope they teach you how to be a human being while you're there." She's not a mother. She's a monster.
My narcassistic "mother monster" is obsessed with my salary even though she inherited every dime of my narcassistic father's estate. Both of them were horrible parents and people. I am an only child and it was always them vs me. I can't believe I survived my upbringing.
My narc best friend controlled me with money. She would insist I go out to eat with her almost every night even though I couldn’t afford it. She’d always pick up the tab and I told her it made me uncomfortable but she continued to insist. The first time we got in a minor fight (because I hung out with a new friend one night instead of her) she threw all of the money she’d been spending on me in front of my face. She also told our mutual friends that I’d “never even bought her so much as a bottle of wine” to thank her for her “generosity.” I think it’s important to know friends can do everything discussed in these video too.
I get this my friend would always force herself on me to pay for a lot, and then say you can just buy something else instead of paying back outright, it would get so confusing and she would blow up on me when I couldn't keep track. Or if I borrowed money (which I only did like 2 times in 10 years) would hound me for it when she knew I couldn't pay her back, but I was nagging and kicking her while she was down if I asked about money she owed me, even though she had just spent all her money (which she made easily over $400 a week plus monthly rent checks from tenants that added up to about $2400 a month) on drugs alcohol and impulse buys. Then would constantly complain about how she's so broke but also "won't get out of bed if she's not making $150 a day". Sorry if this is confusing, it truly was a mind f*** for me too lol
"Gifts" are a social "contract" they set up to control you. Never be comfortable with someone who immediately starts buying you things! Money and charm and then it all turns bad.
I am facing this with a new flatmate I shifted with 20 days ago. With help of Dr. Ramanis teaching I decided to take things slowly before involving with these strangers I found on Facebook rented property community. Within 10 days all went down the rabbit hole when I started communicating my boundaries which was not taken well. I have been asked to leave and she is trying to do best to eat away my share of deposit. Creates all kinds of lies blames and dramas with her two other flying monkeys to torture me nd push me out of house but I m following Dr. Ramani for over an year nd not surprised by all these horrible actions of her nd ready to lodge a police complain about this fraud
I don’t regret leaving.. loosing my car my lights and water getting shut off.... it was hard but I knew it wud happen before I left and I was ok with having nothing vs feeling like wanting to die every day
What I see often in the African American community for financial abuse is the woman working like a slave while the man won’t do ANYTHING to contribute. My friend is in a relationship with a narcissist and she was NINE MONTHS PREGNANT working two jobs and looking to UBER on the side of that. Meanwhile, her man lived with her and barely worked part time and would not do anything more than that to assist.
@@neneosei7168 SMH. She has. He does NOTHING. She has lost jobs, went on maternity leave and HAD to stop working. He would work a little more only then, and for a short period of time. He will then become abusive and mean so she has to go back to work and he stops. It’s deliberate and very manipulative
In my case, my narcissist wouldn't get or keep a job and then would sit around the house playing video games all day and feeling entitled to do so while I was working
Thank you so much! It took 5 years for the divorce. You described my life perfectly! No $ for food, clothes, any necessities, but he had enough $ for all he wanted. I remember going to counseling crying because I cd only find Pennies in couch cushions to pay.
That was my husband. When we met I thought, why not bring him along for the ride he's good looking, knows the same people I know, and we did have fun… For a while. I couldn't figure out what went wrong, I kept thinking why did we take this wrong path? Everything was my fault and he blamed me for everything that went wrong. But I learned and that's why I am here! Good luck to you🌷
Sending hope and love to everyone fighting for their lives and/or their childrens lives right now. Dont give up. They want you to give up and lay down. Dont do it. You have to keep fighting. You are worth it. You are meant to be here and you have something inside you that the world really needs. The narc sees this and wants to steal it from you. They dont want you having light or shining light. Be kind to yourself and keep telling the truth, your truth!
@ C Brown I don't know why, but my eyes got wet while reading your comment..... May be these were the actual words I was longing to hear.... Even my own family could not see or understand my pain....
I went through this, it was one of the worse situations I ever went through in my life (this is also why I'm not married right now). Recently, I broke free but my income rough to live off of but at least I have my sanity.
@@beyourself9162 that most be heart breaking, that’s why I’m so scare and weak , I could not se my child sad by not seen their father , But I’m so traumatized by now , I feel not power, only powerless. So happy that you can feel the freedom.
@@beyourself9162 thank you I’m trying hard , I trying to loose weight I gain 80 pound for so much anxiety That I can really handle , but people who get out of it give hope.
This describes my mother perfectly. My father handed over BOTH of his paychecks (yup, he worked two jobs so she could be a stay-at-home mother) and she wielded that money like a cudgel to get the obedience she demanded. Her favorite phrase was "No more money for you" when she felt any kind of resistance from anyone, even my dad. He had to get a third job so he could buy boots, tools, gas for his van and lunch so he could keep going to work. It was madness.
Did I hear this right? A whole series on the narc and money? Bring it! There were so many instances of unnecessary scrooge moments from someone who made a six figure salary and splurged on big ticket items on themselves without batting a eyelid!
Yes!! I used to shop at thrift stores and ate off the dollar menu while he bought sports cars and ate steak. I can't believe I put up with that for as long as I did. I will be spoiling myself for the rest of my life and will never expect it from a partner. I wish I wasn't so jaded.
Same here with the sports car! Get that car and all the flagship tech gadgets, but then complain there were like 50 bucks missing in the joint account for bills. So it was up to me to waste literal HOURS figuring out all our payments in and surprise surprise, every time it would turn out he was the one who didn't pay in enough because he would send random amounts of money instead of the amount we had worked out. He would refuse to set up an automatic monthly payment to avoid this happening over and over again. And there were plenty of petty grumblings over dinners out and even shampoo once. Good riddance!
@@aMUSEdOxymoron Mine expressed disgust because I wasted £16 buying 11 items of essential underwear (first since lockdown April 2020), but he's just ordered £44+ worth of books and has been cinema several times...
@@clogs4956 I'm just relieved that buying a house fell through, we never pooled all our resources and that a lot of our expenses had been tracked. And thank golly we never got married, that would have been an ugly divorce, the mathematical gymnastics over small things during the relationship and after the breakup were mind boggling. It can be very insidious and leave you feeling like an idiot until you recognise them for what they are and you put your foot down.
This video really hit home. My narcissistic ex would "give me an allowance" and I turned into his indentured servant. He always kept his financial information from me, obviously because he was hiding money. When I worked I was expected to contribute more to the house and cover more of my expenses even if I earned very little.
Mine would take me to the Mall to watch him spend hundreds of dollars on his clothes for "work", he was addictedto "Structure" clothing...he'd take me and the children to the good court, buy himself a meal, buy our sons kids meals. If they didn't eat it all, I got the left overs. After the Mall he'd drive to the Salvation Army,hand me $20's and tell me "Buy you and the kids something ". Later I found out he had forged my name on credit cards in my name. He took thousands of cash advances out on my name, and spent it all on himself.
Yeah this is my story too. He pays only the rent/mortgage. I struggled to cover everything else for myself and kids. I struggled to buy food and would wait till we go to bed and eat food meant for the kids. He would buy himself take out every day at work and tell others how HE makes sure our kids are OK first, saying how he won't eat unless they have eaten but he steals the food I'm working myself to the bone to get. My health gave out on me and suddenly he's able to cover so much more of the expenses. But he's putting pressure on me to work again even though I'm not well. It makes me so angry that he makes himself out as a hero but he steals, lies, etc.
my ex would use lavish dinners and helping me pay my bills as a way to hoover me back in. but he would never listen to my needs or work on our issues, he would never accept responsibility for his own actions or words toward me. he knows i'm poor and he knows he's got all the money in the world to throw around and usually when things hit the fan and we go months without talking, he randomly sends me "money to help out" as a way to nudge his way back in. but again.. never ever addresses anything and it slowly just goes back to batshit and the cycle starts again. and of course it's always me and my fault and i'm the crazy person every time. NO MORE.
I’m literally just getting away from someone I visited for the 4th like this 💁🏼♀️ I call it , surface level, like a surface level relationship or surface level person. They can’t dig down deep and find emotions , they’re incapable of communicating, and taking responsibility for their actions, like you said….. apparently, this is a textbook, narcissist, who likes to manipulate with money. I agree with you … never go back to that, I promise I won’t either. 💯
I love representing the weaker spouse against the monied narcissist spouse in a contentious divorce case. Courts in my jurisdiction have the power to order interim counsel fees, cost and expense, so I can break my client financially free from the controlling narcissist. This is often the first step in placing my client on a much better life trajectory. Stay safe out there!
Same, they contribute very little, especially if they know you can't afford everything on your own, and you have a child with them, I'd give 100% of my monthly income to pay bills, groceries, etc. I'd ask for help, and he'd complain, he'd go out and blow money on bars, expensive clothing, hotel rooms, etc, and if he did give me any money, he'd throw it in my face later, like he did me a favor. He knew I was financially trapped, and he didn't want to help, he knew that I was stuck and he enjoyed the power. I couldn't save any money, and I couldn't afford to move. He enjoyed every tear, and every bit on breaking me down, narcissists are demonic. They will emotionally, physically, and financially drain you.
My narcissist ex used to buy cars, expensive bikes, phones, computers, jewelry, engagement rings, expensive trips, etc. to his exes until he got almost broke and due to his low-income salary from being the super grandiose he became the vulnerable one who blames everything on the world and hates everyone but pretends outdoors that he’s a very nice empathetic man... indoors he was a monster.
The upside of broad experience with financial abuse is that I pay a lot of attention to what happens after I say no to a "request", and also what happens after someone "gives" me a "gift". Even regular people can think gifts entitle them,but a narcissist always believes it does ...forever! The difference is huge.
I know it’s no longer worth asking my ex for money to split the cost on things for our son. He uses it to gain control of us. I’m worse off financially, but he is always willing to hurt us over things like that
This is why I will never give my partner access to all my finances, I will keep more than one source of income and keep most of them, for the most part, hidden and only accessible to me. Independence is something every human should strive for, regardless of gender, race, religion.
So true! My ex would pay for everything at the start of our relationship. He would spoil me with gifts, and lavish outings, and then flipped the script. Where he was once just paying for everything without question, I then found myself having to ask for every dollar, lavish dinners faded into eating on his terms, and when I would point this out, he would just gaslight me. The relationship was so exhausting.
Currently experiencing this abuse in my divorce... HARD My two cents: Prepare yourself prior to divorce if you can. Get a separate savings account, credit card, cash, etc. before starting the divorce for emergency use (best if they don't know about it in the beginning, but they will during discovery). Once you start the divorce, get a financial restraining order in place ASAP! This will only slow down their games and hopefully provide you with some sort of security throughout the process.
Thank you for that knowledge. I have divorce paper printed and I can’t bring myself to fill them out. I’m so worried about “going to war” with this guy. He knows ALL my information. And will call my credit card and sound like me over the phone.
I had a different side to this, I was the one who earned the money, but as I am disabled I spent a lot of time isolated on my own. My husband would use my bank account as his own, he didn’t care about bills or talking about money, if I tried he would shout/outburst etc. he didn’t work and had no interest, he was always the victim and every time I tried to talk he blow up and it would always end with ‘you always make everything about you!’ I became so conditioned and so didn’t want him to explode I gave up, my life was always making sure he was okay and wouldn’t blow up on me. I’ve left 8 wks ago, it’s not easy at all but I got away, even if I’m still fighting for my home that I’ve paid for with no contribution!! And it’s set up for my wheelchair but I’m in court on 23rd and really hoping for an early Christmas present. Just wanted to show that finical abuse can happen even when it’s you who earns it, I’m in 18k debt but I’m free and that’s priceless. Keep strong everyone ❤
Oh yeah my dad is a ER doctor and is a huge narcissist. He’s said so many crazy hurtful things to me for no reason. He’s only helped me if I do exactly what he told me to do or wanted, after college he hasn’t helped me since. Mind you he has neglected and abandoned from ever having a relationship with me. My sociopathic mother being a narcissist as well has always held back financial help because she’s severely controlling and OCD. When I was younger child she would give me things then take them back if I didn’t do exactly what she said or I made a bit of a mistake. They have zero empathy for me, they don’t see or hear me at all. It’s such a awful sad situation. Financially both of them have money and a big house but are so selfish to share or help me. They won’t even let me live back with them and I haven’t done anything to justify as to why I can’t. They are both so psychotic unfortunately, which is why I can’t deal with them and going no contact. They clearly don’t want to see me doing well in my life. They aren’t helpful supportive or encouraging to be there for me and love me unconditionally, they just want to be toxic and put me down and make me feel bad for being alive.
@Alexandria Scott - so sorry you were forced to endure their behavior. Once you go no contact, I think your life will open up. Whatever you do, please don’t be tricked into letting them back into your life. Always remember why you decided to go no contact in the first place - you were forced to!
And then they use it to portray to others how caring and kind they are. “Oh look how much I care about my daughter, I give her all this money” and then outsiders shame you for not being grateful for how much your mom is helping you.
Exactly. They would go out there how the do everything and you are not appreciative. Like never wanted me to work. I came from a different continent didn’t even want me to intergrate coming to learn , he didn’t want me to be financially independent to abuse me. I was independent for 22 years raised a daughter. Depending on someone is one thing I refuse. Insisting on working on my financial independence gave me strength to break free.
How about they say if you marry them and have their baby. "You'll never have to work again" Then when they abused their own income, they complain that I don't contribute and called me "useless consumer". I pissed him off further when I told his parents not to pay his debts.
Yes! "You don't have to work, I'm going to be the breadwinner! You just stay home and relax. I'll also make sure that my woman always looks perfect with her hair done and nails done whenever you want." This October, we'll be together for 10 years. Either my Ma or myself will cut my hair and then I deal with the horrible criticism from him. We have a daughter together and she will be turning 3 years old this September. Unbeknownst to me, behind my back, my fiance has asked his family and my Ma for money. I recieve food stamps for our daughter and myself, BUT I don't have my EBT Card because I'm not allowed to go to the store, drive the car, have a job, have any friends unless approved by my fiance (which he never approves and tries to pressure a threesome with any friends of mine so I just gave up and stay home alone with our daughter, raising her to not follow in my footsteps) Ohh, oh and I was able to hide cash recieved from family on holidays and special occasions.... Well my fiance put my life on hold for 10 years while he was taking his time finalizing his divorce. I ended up giving him $700.00, which was half the payment he needed and he didn't even blink an eye. Yet, if he buys something that is a necessity for the home or hygiene products for myself, he literally expects oral sex for what he did! It's really unbelievable. He has all the passwords, probably several different accounts and social media and banking.... I'm not allowed to ask anything about anything. If he decides to share any financial information with me, he'll hold his phone and I have to quickly read it. Of course, the timing is not ever beneficial for me to be 100% paying attention because he waits until he sees that I'm doing something for our daughter, etc. and then will turn around and say, "I tried to show you and you were too busy! You can't stop and give me one fuckin second to show you the financial situation we are in and the amount in the bank!" He also claims that I have no right or ability due to not being legally married to him, to be able to have a 2nd bankcard (copy of his debit card) BUT when he had me drive him to the bank because he was too intoxicated to drive, I asked them and he immediately cut me off, changed the topic and gave me the "you're in deep shit once we get home" look. I really am humiliated that I not only allowed myself to be in this situation BUT I also am trying to raise and shield our daughter from the dysfunction that is of my fault. Sometimes, I really just fuckin hate the woman I am. Which I couldn't even tell anyone who I am because I have completely lost my identity and am gaslighted, ignored, criticized, punished or forced to perform for someone who I don't know really loves me or ever did.
My Ex also called me a “consumer and not a producer” after He had me stay home with the kids. -which is also what I wanted; but he maintained control over the money. Once I bought a $5 box of clothes (at a garage sale) for my soon-to-be kindergartner and felt like I had hit the jackpot. The most I ever spent on, say, a dress for myself, was $10. But if HE wanted me to look good for some (work) Event, he would spend the big bucks on a nice dress for me. Once he spent $600 on a black velvet dress for me to go see phantom of the opera in San Francisco …with his work.
Oh my gosh. I'm glad you did this one, because of my husband I separated from in January I'm in financial debt. 😔 I'm digging myself out of now. I never thought being married to someone could cause financial abuse.
I had to bankrupt because I found out my Ex was considering it. A lawyer explained to me I needed to file first. I cried before the judge because I had kept my end good. If I had not I could have "inherited" his debts. I am not berating my Ex, I simply had to protect myself. He is basically a good person I did not want to hurt, he had bigger problems. You have to watch your back. Another thing my grown children will never understand. So, it goes...✌️
He isolated me from may family. He opened a restaurant In his country, I came to work with him. He never gaved me a salary or wage. He said I had all I needed, (food and shelter.) Then I became pregnant, I stopped working on my 9th month of pregnancy. He never forgave me for that. Our son is autistic. He is now 5 y.o. I struggle to have enough money to buy food or clothes, and to pay for therapies for my boy. He has plenty of money, all hidden accounts, I don't have any access to money. Now we have decided to divorce, but he just want to give a minimum amount for child support, and asks me to quit to all my financial rights as a wife in order to be able to get full custody of our son. Dr Ramani, I am so desperate! I don't know what way to take.
This is exactly what happened to me with my Ex. Then, after 18 years, HE’S the one who left…to marry his assistant at Chase Bank where they both worked. He had HER give up her job too after they married. I think she’s just as much or more of a narcissist as he is, though. So she may be the one controlling the purse strings. I think his come-uppance is coming up. Oh yes, and by the way, I’m now homeless and penniless (after living life with the ability to get pretty much whatever I wanted-still, with his tight-fisted control over the money-and living in my dream home). I share a small room with two of my grandchildren.
Omg! I'm so glad I escaped. I was soooooo close to this kind of control. And was called a spoilt brat and wasteful for what my parents are willing to do for me. It's crazy! It's also interesting I noticed that narcissists are always complaining about how rich people spend their own money! Like this personality is just mad!
Always complaining that their parents don't foot their debts. Complain about every aspect of your life as you agree to do what they wanted you to do. I'm glad you stuck up for yourself.
@@cymbolichuman433 thank you. Everytime I watch Dr. Ramani's video I wonder if these people all went to the same school that the rest of us are not aware of. I mean how can they all act the same yet in different places and backgrounds?! Its outstanding!
In another video, Dr. Ramani said something to the effect that we reasonably should have expected to have our resource needs met by our parents, so their guilting us for having fed and clothed us is not fair. I found that to be quite a powerful revelation.
Saw this type of abuse a lot when I worked at a women's shelter. Wish counselors at dv shelters would address this as part of narcissism to show a bigger picture. Thanks again! 🤗 💕
He counted our finances to the penny. Several times he made me empty my purse to make sure I wasn’t hiding a stash of money. And the weird part is that I was the breadwinner. He was mostly in between jobs. He would always say “the boss fired me because he knows I am smarter than him”. I finally got the courage to leave after 20 years. Now that I control my own finances I don’t understand how we were broke all the time (according to him anyway).
I am suffering from this right now. I took care of the finances for years (because I was better at it) but now that I am trying to leave and my husband took back the accounts abs will give me very little money to even feed my child much less pay for medical expenses or basic needs. He acts like it shouldn’t be a big deal. I finally left him and get no help at all. I am selling all my positions to keep going because I am disabled. He had me right where he wanted bed ridden and at his full control for years. My son has paid the price and now has severe PTSD, anxiety and has been diagnosed with bipolar. I take him to drs weekly for therapy and to other specialists. I am 100% on my own with his care emotionally, physically, financially and psychologically. I am so sad it took me 17 year to figure out he was a narcissist. My child has paid the ultimate price. I refuse to go back. My son and I are living in an RV but it’s better than being around to be fed off emotionally every day or completely ignored and neglected as he does my child. Thank you for doing this episode. It’s a very important topic. (I also had a sister who siphoned off all my fathers money and spent my inheritance. It makes a lot of sense now why)
I see you & I was you. Please, reach out to your local DV agency. If you're not receiving SSDI/SSI funds for your disability, please apply. You and your child would both qualify. Good luck to you.
This is all true. At first you’re self sufficient. They like your house and your belongings. They weasel their way into all of that and then hate your career choice and hate your house. They may have very little, act like they will lighten your load, and take care of you, then that take everything away. All of the savings disappear and they tell you you’re crazy to doubt what they’re doing with money. It’s such a spiral downhill. you can see happening. The only way to restore your life is to cut your losses and sever all ties. It may take time to recover but it will happen in time.
Thank you for this! My mother wanted my dad's money, my money, etc. but she refused to get a job. "I don't want to work in an office with a bunch of bimbos." Putting up with it because she was my mother set me up for a kinds of terrible patterns in life. And I am the one who ended up looking crazy. The story is so bizarre and tragic I've decided to write about it. Perhaps I'll soon have one of those self-published books on Amazon. Wish I could escape Amazon sometimes lol. That's another story.
@@ninamontrosse5588 some of the Christmas gifts I got were things I had given her for Mothers Day, Christmas, etc. I can understand pitching in if your parents are broke, going through tough time, etc. My mother had tons of real estate.
@@dianevanderlinden3480 Lol, my mom got me socks for Christmas. Like the plain white kind in the Hanes package. And a card that said “I hope you feel as loved as you are” which means “I hate you, b$tc#.”
@@DomCOuano I have subscribed to your channel and know where to find you. Will keep in touch. Also have ideas for a few other creative things, maybe you can refer me to some collaborators lol.
From my experience - they are obsessed with money itself. It is not a tool to live, but a goal in itself. Making money and making more money. At all costs. Also parsimony is common among them.
This is the exact situation that I went through with my ex Dr. Ramini just like you explained it in perfect detail and He also made me his assistant! When we were together! He controlled everything!I had to leave him and start from Zero! It was a huge hurtful shock and very painful I had never been in such a relationship where I was exhausted and experienced true hell on earth!
I did care about him, so paying the lion’s share of expenses was my choice initially. It wasn’t until I gained clarity, after being violently assaulted, that I was truly able to identify the bigger picture of narcissistic abuse (all inclusive). He presented as a harmless vulnerable caring giving nice guy. He was not! It was what lurked within that I misread & misinterpreted as love. Had nothing to do with love.
This topic is very close to my heart. I will never forget the way my mom drained me financially. I'm still haunted by the day when i walked into a shop and had to pick a bra or jeans to buy. being 22 and working as much as i can to keep up with the credit loans so my bank account dont shut down. unable to buy myself clothes like a normal woman...Today i'm free of her and doing much better.
I went from having 20K+ in the bank when I met her to like 15k in debt when it was over. She would constantly complain she had no money so I would have to pay all the bills and pay for everything, and obviously she was HARD on money. I've never to this day seen anyone so irresponsible with money before; she's still like this (we have a kid together) and it makes me absolutely sick. She spends like a millionaire when she doesn't make very much, I make way more than her and I'm always asking how she manages to have all this nice stuff, way nicer and better stuff than me and on demand, when I make double the money. I will be the only one that has any savings built up to help my kid with college and it makes me SICK.
Even when the family is doing well the narc creates these narratives and ignores all the sacrifices of their spouse. Narcs love to play the victim and the manipulation of centres of power and control is a tool of the narcissist. Their lack of empathy is staggering. The narcissist knows that the only way to survive them is to document everything and they know normal people won't do this. The lives of others is a game to them. 😒
I suffered from a work injury resulting in debilitating migraines and depression. I laid in our bed for over 2 years withering away while he spent my monthly disability income, savings, maxed out credit cards for his addictions. So blessed for my family who stopped by demanding to let them in. My mother dragged me out of bed packed me a bag and I’ve never looked back! I feel blessed to have made it out of that alive honestly. 💫💞
Another amazing video. Thank you. The fog has cleared and I can now understand why parents try to keep a financial stronghold over their adult children-- it gives them power over us. They'd rather have control than empower us to be financially independent.
Because they are weak and co dependent and are abusive. They are pathetic & no one else would deal with them if they were like that. So they have to resort to stifling and trapping their predecessors (women will always be dominant sexually. If we don’t approve of him we won’t continue him).
Exactly well said. My MIL uses this as control over my wife, she used to give her allowance, which I didn't know. It ended up narc supply to support their inconvenience demands. Cut off the financial money train and don't receive anything from them. Decided to go gray rock and no contact.
@Mary Carroll thank you. We both have great paying jobs, but my MIL would always imposed this on my wife till the rageful behavior would start and ghosting. It's alot better knowing that longer part of that dysfunctional family dynamic.
In retrospection, I was a prisoner for 11years. Made me sell my car No one could know where I lived or have a phone number. Took my paychecks. Once it became physical I started making plans to get out alive.
It's the accuracy of it all for me. Narc's want you to be financially dependent on them. Everything is also transactional so they will pay for your wedding or education just to have control over what you study, or where to study/have your wedding, themes, etc. Making promises and later rescinding is also very familiar to me! It sucks! Be independent and live your own happy life on your own terms!
this is incredibly relevant to my situation. especially sadistic when, like you said, they'll make the family go without while showering coworkers and bosses with items, food, and gifts. it's absolutely sickening.
He most definitely is one! What kind of a parent would do that to their own child?? The one who sees their child as an extension to them! A narcissistic!
@@Chicgirly that’s true… his ADULT “child “. She’s grown. Let’s say Britney at one time needed help and a conservatorship.. let’s just say… well fine. She doesn’t anymore. Any real well meaning parent would have let it all go and be SO HAPPY to have their “child” healthy and whole again and ready to run her own life. I’m really hoping and praying ( sincerely) for someone in the courts to help Britney out if this bondage. It literally did take supernatural intervention for me. Nothing short of miracles after miracles in the court system. Too much to get into- but from papers being assigned to one judge and then the other and then another! To the police officers involved in all the cases.. so yes, praying to God for help for Britney. He sees everything and has all power. I pray for angels and supernatural power to help her and her children.
Not only was I the scapegoat child however I was also the cash cow in the family, All because I was born with a disability, (so much so, that when I ran across the country they literally called the cops on me and told them that I was 16 and that I was a runaway. When in reality I was actually 21. That's how badly they wanted me back and it was just for the money nothing else). They were sadistic narcissists. They were really cruel, however, I do have compassion for them (NO WAY am I defending them absolutely in NO WAY!); because at the end of the day they are human too that's what they were brought up with that's all they know that's all they're ever going to know. So having been brought up with just that alone I feel sorry for them. I've essentially have gotten to the point where I accept it, (I'm in NO WAY am I condoning it), but just to accept that yes I've been through having a lot of trauma, but without those experiences, I wouldn't be this strong confident independent woman that I am because of what they did to me.
I had a different situation as far as the financial situation. I managed the household finances, sorting out bills, food shopping, house maintenance etc and he just used to pay a contribution into joint account, and it never seemed enough. It was more like having a lodger. I never knew how much he earned, he was very secretive about his earnings. At times I was struggling to pay bills but he would not contribute any more towards bills etc always saying he was skint, but he would spend lots of money on things that were important to him ie expensive hobbies, lads trips away, online poker...
It is embarrassing to realize you have let someone do this to you, but it eases the sting a bit to read about others who have done the same. At least I’m not alone. And I’m not imagining it. I’m not crazy.
It’s feels terrible. Then to watch them come into some money finally but go shopping while you struggle to pay bills alone wearing ran down shoes. Such demons they are. Mine would give his mother thousands of dollars frequently while giving me absolutely nothing to pay bills with. I’ve left him already and I’m still crushed financially.😢
Every box ticked. Some more things I thought of: Ordered items with COD to arrive when he was not home. Delayed credit card loan payment on my name just to have me pay, added with late fine. Took me shopping or for lunch and then pretended he forgot his wallet. Bought home equipment in my name so that I would have to pay for the AMCs. Bought properties in his own name after getting me to hand him large amounts of cash for the same. Borrowed on my credit card to take vacations with 'certain' people. Denied having money for our child's education, but immediately bought new home theater and enrolled himself for an expensive course he didn't want.
I am completely financial dependent on her (my narc). She had me believing that we were 'building a business and a future together' hence me learning video editing and getting a personal training certification. She has the cars, the money and basically everything. It's a shame I've wasted so much time doing this and also helping her learn how to live. I will escape though. I will never give up.
Start planning your escape and finances well before you escape. My salvation was a new job that gave me financial independence. But get all your ducks in a row before ending the relationship - a narc will make you Enemy No 1 the minute you leave them. They will play dirty. Build a trusted support network around too - the narc will go on a smear campaign
I needed to hear this today. Financial abuse has coloured my whole life. I largely got away from my financially controlling Dad aged 19, but it was hard and left a lot of scars. Now, in late middle age, I have power of attorney for his finances And I’m trying to find out where he’s hidden his money because it’s needed to pay for his care. Meanwhile I’m still not certain if, as frequently threatened, he cut me out of his Will. If there is any left to me, after he dies, it will feel so tainted I’m not sure what I would do with it.
Yes, indeed. This financial abuse by my father made my mother into a narcissist as well which in turn caused her to scapegoat me because he never allowed her to develop herself even after we were all fully grown. She was locked down into catering to his cooking and cleaning and always provided for us but never respected us.
Dr. Ramani, could you please speak on financial abuse when the abused is the main earner? In my case, I had a higher salary for most of the relationship. He tried to coerce me to leave my employment in both my professions and when I wouldn't he refused to contribute his income to the household by keeping it all, gambling it off and gifting (not to me of course) it to his new supply or family members. Many of the examples and scenarios still apply but with a twist.
I'm in this situation 😔😔😔 I initially thought that my marriage would be life sharing as my parents always worked toghether for a common goal. I had no idea that narcisist even existed.
Thank you for this video Dr Ramani. It came at just the right time for me. In my case, my mother was physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive all my life. I am almost 40 now and I am working very hard in therapy to disentangle myself from her clutches, but it is so challenging. I find the internal oppression and grooming means that progress is slow. This video has made me realise that my mother was/is a financial abuser aswell. When I was younger, she would "help" me with costs - e.g. a car, college fees, medical bills etc, and then use the gift/loan as a means to control and abuse. For example, for my final year of school she enrolled me in a private school to help me get better grades. She forced me to sign a contract that in return I would only meet my friends three times that year and even stipulating what kind of food I was allowed to ask for and eat (I had a suicide attempt by Christmas, it was a very oppressive time). Another example is she made a big fuss of buying me a prom dress and then when I was all dressed up and on the way there, she looked at me and said "you didn't put enough effort into your appearance and I don't like your attitude". I was not allowed to go to prom after all and we returned the dress the next day. When I first started to drive she insisted on buying me an expensive car (way beyond my budget or what I could afford myself), did not give me any choice, and then once I got a job that was reliant on my driving, she would threaten to take the car away suddenly on nights when I had a big work trip the next day, and would berate me when I could not afford to pay her back for the car quickly enough. Most recently she managed to convince me to "let her" help me buy a home. I resisted for a very long time, as I knew from past experience that it was probably a trap. My father recently died and I think that made my guard fall a little. She said that helping me with the down payment was "what Dad would have wanted" (which is true) and promised me that she would just be helping from the kindness of her heart and nothing else. I thought maybe she had changed and softened in her old age, and that maybe just maybe she had finally started to value me after my father's death. But no. Once I had found a house, paid the booking deposit, and wracked up lawyers and survey bills, she did the classic narc bait and switch. She emailed the lawyer saying she wanted 60% ownership and a stipulation in the contract that because she was helping with the cost, she could throw me out and sell on the house. This was a red flag. I am proud to say that I immediately backed out and I am using this as the final straw. I feel stupid for having almost fell for her tricks again but I am relieved that I managed to get out just in the nick of time. Your wise, kind and strong videos are an absolute lifeline to those of us trying to navigate narcissistic abuse. Thank you so much for them. I am learning so much and it feels like I have someone in my corner who understands.
This was excellent. One small thing that I’ll add is a tactic narcissists frequently employ - and that’s selective memory. They always seem to remember things (eg. negotiation details) that serve them. Then they always forget things that don’t serve them such as promised payouts, loans, compensation (salary figures or bonuses), etc. Get it in writing and/or avoid doing business with them. I’ve found over time that the latter is better.
This has been on my mind constantly--grateful that you made a new video about it. Narcissists need to keep you small and malleable. Would watch a hundred videos from you about this topic.
My first husband, if not a full blown narcissist, was very narcissistic and we did have the money dynamic you speak of. We were both military but I got out when we had kids. He had the better career path anyway and I thought it would be the way to be a good family, so I stayed at home with the kids. But he was stingy with the money, got irritated with me for spending (even for simply daily things), but felt he could spend as he chose without even so much as talking to me. Because HE made the money, don't ya know. When we hit the tail end of the marriage he told me "You'll never make it on your own". I said "I will when I get through with you". It was an off-the-cuff remark for me as I don't take advantage of people, HOWEVER, in the military if you're married for a certain amount of time you get part of that person's retirement. So, the court awarded me child support til the kids were of age, and after he retired I got a portion of his retirement. Normally I wouldn't want it, but he made things so miserable I felt justified in taking it. I'm sure he hates it and that makes me smile.
Oh my god! This is the story of my aunt, I remenber when I was a child and she couldn't payme just a bag of chips because his patner never gave her money, and that include money for phone, so she never was abble to call to somebody even if she needed help. Very sad to see how this things happens.
My mom passed away before she got out of this kind of relationship with my father. I got out by the skin of my teeth and literal supernatural intervention. I like to picture what her life would have been like if she had gotten out. I try to appreciate each day I have and live with gratitude that I don't live that way anymore.
You just described EVERYTHING I went through. It's been a hard road because I have had to rely on his alimony, which, of course, he doesn't pay. I've finally got to a point where my son and I can survive without relying on him, but I also asked the court to manage his delinquency, which it does, but garnishing wages and ruling him in. If he is between jobs (frequently) then no money come, even when the court intervenes ($300 does not make up for $30,000 of arrears). I solely provide for ny child. He pays for nothing but whatever his insurance cost to cover my child by court order. The IRS is a whole other thing that has taken 5 years to sort out, and he still illegally claims my son, who doesn't live with him. It goes on and on.
I am completely financially dependent on him. He encouraged me to leave my 30 year career in Social Work. Now I have Complex PTSD, and an auto immune disorder that severely limits what kind of job I can do. Even though I own the home we live in, I am trapped. But not for long. I am building strength, I will escape!
Yes you will, you got this!! After all it’s your house, right?! Kick him out and make it your (Healing) HOME. You deserve it🪴
Hope Stacy Rosa is an alias and not your real name. If he ever sees this he will sabotage you.
Hope Stacy Rosa is an alias and not your real name. If he ever sees this he will sabotage you.
You can do this. There are jobs in the field that you control your own schedule. I am a SW also. Stay strong and seek professional organizations that may be able to help you prepare to leave the relationship.
You really can. Get your ducks in a row, and then do it. You're going to feel amazing. You are in control of your life. ♥ {hugs}
Living with a financially abusive narc is like living in custody, imprisoned without any escape until you REALIZE being anywhere is better. Escape is critical.
👏🏻👏🏻✨✨
So true ❤
I was In that position and I left without a cent after more than a decade marriage. I left all my right there,took my kids and escaped from him. He is on tinder,on sugardady websites, he pays young women but still does not pay child support after 2 years. This people are monsters disguised in charming human beings.
@@ich6636you can collaterilize your children to your state Juvenile Mortgage And çollateral Bank and obtain 30 year loan amortized. For healthy non delinquent juveniles you can get 100,000 dollars. They will be sent to plantation in Louisiana or brothel for military personnel in Poland who are about to enter Ukraine on a suicide mission to sabotage Russian nuclear missiles called THE SATAN 2 . thats it in a nutshell
@@ich6636 true
“Just like the car in their driveway or the watch on their arm, they view relationships and people as things that are bought and paid for.” Yep, that sums it up nicely!
80islandia And I told them I said you can't buy my love!
80Islandia -- When Dr. Ramani said "bought and paid for!", I had a flashback to the red-flag moment in my fiance's car, driving away from the jewelry store together, looking down at my sparkling engagement ring with quiet joy -- when he suddenly removed his right hand from the steering wheel to slap it heavily down on my left knee with a shout of, "BOUGHT AND PAID FOR!".
I was stunned speechless straight into Freeze Mode, looking mutely at him with tears of pain in my eyes and mentally reeling at the revelation that he wasn't experiencing any feelings of love or joy at this milestone of our future together ... that I was just an objectified milestone of HIS success as a man (I had my own job & my own rowhome, so didn't "need" his income; i think that definitely drove part of his misogyny like a part of him hated that he craved my sweetness & kindness).
The alarm bells were ringing from my gut instincts. I sat mutely swallowing my tears and contemplated giving him the engagement ring when he drove us back to his sister's house where my car was parked.
But he'd already trained me to dread his explosive temper (which was exactly like my narc Mom's explosive temper), so like a typical Stockholm Syndrome victim, I made mental excuses to talk myself out of cancelling our engagement by reminding myself that he had a crass side and didn't realize how hurtful he comment was.
Needless to say I learned a lot more about how I was "bought and paid for" after we married, settled down, and i was quickly discarded as he focused on his career & secret porn addiction.
It took me 5 painful years of futile praying that my love & kindness would help him realize he didn't need porn when he had me...to no avail. When the pain of being treated like a sexless roommate (while he satisfied himself with porn & gave me excuses) became greater than my fear of divorce, I grew a spine and calmly told him I wanted a divorce -- and that I wished him well to stop using porn with the next woman in his life, because I didn't trust him anymore.
It was scary & stressful but worth every minute to reclaim my joy and rebuild a new life for myself in Christ, among safe, authentically humble people who I've chosen wisely with my gut instincts.
God bless everyone here.
I pray everyone reclaims their birthright to a joyful life, free from toxic abusers.
Wishing everyone dignity, respect, and peace. 💜🙏💜
So true...narc brought me a new car and constantly reminds me he will take it away. That is so upsetting to me..
For a narc money is power… so true !! Never believe a person who says “I will take care of everything… you don’t have to work”!! A person who loves you would want you to be financially independent…always !!
🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽💜💜💜💯💯💯💯💯
Not necessarily...I have seen some wonderful healthy men who are providers and do not use money as power over their partners heads...aka they are. not narcs
YEP !!!!!
True true.... especially when that's what you wanted for yourself. Nobody who truly loves you would refrain you from growing that way!
FACTS
I've taught my daughters to never depend on anyone!
It's important to teach our sons that too.
Great thing to teach her. Self sufficiency .It helps and saves life.Coming from a Narcissist abuse survivor . It was one of the main traits that essentially saved me.Self sufficiency.
@@pamelamccarthy1412 yup!!
Good in theory, but unrealistic. It's all fun and games not having a safety net and caring for yourself until you end up sick and/or disabled and unable to work. There's no such thing as not relying on others. Well, there is. It's called homelessness, neglect, and death from illness that could have been treatable.
@@jp8649 Yeah. I was thinking the same thing. Conditioning someone to be self reliant and not dependent on someone else can often be a catch 22. People instill this lesson in those they care for out of good intentions but there is a dysfunctional aspect to it as well that keeps them from true intimacy and trust.
Financial abuse is real even with narc parents. The matriarch disabled me and then keeps me trapped financially and has thwarted every attempt I make to get independence. I used to describe it as breaking my legs every time I stand up and then yelling at me for being weak and not able to stand on my own...now I know it's real and financial/psychological narcissistic abuse and pretty devastating for it to be from the person who is supposed to help you succeed in life. She robbed me of my whole life. It's so sick and took me decades to see it. There's a special place in hell for parents who do this. 🤬
I am so sorry your mother's done such a horrible thing to you. It's really horrible because it makes you helpless, which is the goal. Can you tell my dad did the same thing to me? You perfectly described it, a la (non-physically) breaking your legs and yelling at you for not being able to stand. I hope you get or stay free from your sabotaging Nparent.
@@Shell.29 thank you! I'm digging myself out but wow...what a horrible position to be by your own parent! Luckily my Dad was a sweetheart and he refused to let any family member be left on the streets but he died in 2016 and that's why what she's been doing became crystal clear now that she holds the purse strings. It's devastating and I think coming from the patriarch it would be even more terrifying. Stay strong. Narcs are going down. Their games are being exposed and everyone who has the strength to speak up for themselves and others is all it takes to shut them down. The good thing about emotional legs is they grow back stronger every time they get broken...sounds like you and I have legs of steel now!💖🐾🗡🥰
I can relate and your analogy is spot on. I have lower back pain constantly now since my “legs” were last broken. When my mother was taking back control over everything, it was so odd-the movie Misery was playing everywhere on cable. I couldn’t get away from it. It wasn’t Halloween or anything and I hadn’t heard about it in years, but all of a sudden it was like every day. That sticks with me now and I swear it was a warning from someone.
I have always said Narc father will break my legs in secret and then swoop in carry me in public. (And complain about how heavy I am.)
Never a hand up...The only way to get any help is to agree to be carried the whole way.
@@bpdbootcamp I honestly just realized that my reply implied my physical legs were broken, which they weren't. I am sorry for misleading everyone.
Oh yes! This is soooo timely. My ex's main abuse pattern is through finances. He earns a six-figure salary, during our marriage I looked after the kids and always felt poor. Now I earn a quarter of what he earns, and feel financially so amazingly comfortable. I now have full control of a smaller income, which is liberating
This was my mom's story, too. It's so nice that she can just buy herself little things that she wants now. You do it too. And think of me smiling about my mom and her waffle iron, her garden shears, and her very occasional KFC.
OMG #same. I didn't even understand it until we finally divorced
Same here
My ex was completely this way. He, however, decided that HE didn't have to bother to work after our kids had gotten into school. He conveniently & constantly would "get hurt" or have some other excuse why he didn't work. After several major things happened in our lives & I was unable to work for awhile, he became physically & verbally more abusive. I was finally able to leave & divorce him. He seriously tried to have me STILL pay all of his bills after we separated! He also seriously believed that if he didn't sign the divorce papers, then it wouldn't happen! He had SO many people believing his stories! And of course he NEVER paid child support!
@Franski7 wow
crazy
so yo don't have to go out. so i. guessing he cheated like all narc and blamed you dressing well on it right. these sick devils
I'm a survivor of exactly this. It has ruined me and I'll feel the effects for the rest of my life. You go from believing you have a secure future, to suddenly having no future. This ought to be recognised as a crime 😠
Agree!
100% agreed
💯
True that!
The courts should consider emotional and financial abuse!
Every family court judge needs to watch these videos!
One hundred percent
Agreed! I think family courts only see physical abuse, and ignore the dangerous nuances of financial abuse and coercive control.
I found that I was paying for everything, and that my money was our money and his was his.
That's why I moved out on my own when I was 25. Going through old receipts, I found I was paying for rental washer/dryer. I'd totally forgotten I was doing that. If I stayed, I think mom would had me pay for everything, in addition to paying my half of the rent. So glad I live by myself.
My ex was so financially controlling. I just thought he was cheap, but it was worse than that. I literally never had money in my pocket, not even a dollar. I used to go with my friend to the mall a day or two a week, but never bought anything, ever! One time, before I was leaving, I went to go take a couple of dollars, just for pocket money, he asked, “For???” I said, answered, in case we get thirsty & we want to sit down & buy a soda. He laughed a maniacal laugh...something out of a movie! He said, go to the water fountain. Another time, I went to return a library book, which was just a day late. The fine was $0.15. I went into the change section of my wallet, because I knew I had a few coins in there. It was all gone! Not one cent!! I became emotional, and apologized to the clerk, telling her that my husband must’ve needed change for the vending machine at work. I was mortified! She gave me a knowing smile & told me don’t worry about the fine & to have a great day. I’ve been away from him for decades, but the memories still rear their ugly head.
Yeah. I’ve experienced greedy, stingy narcs as well. Thank YAH I saw through them while dating and didn’t marry them.
@@TheLamba444 I was fortunate that he was away on business quite a bit. During the time he was gone, I started to work little odd jobs (babysitting, etc) to get my hands on money any way I could. I also used that time to clear my head & realize what an asshole he truly was! Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t that clear cut, it happened decades ago, so I’m just glossing over it all right now. A huge help, was that we had no kids together. When I started becoming my own person again, when he came home, he noticed the change in me. As I began to like myself again, he liked me less & less. Eventually he discarded me, realizing I was no longer under his control. I’ve learned these terms & little details recently by watching CZcams videos. Being discarded was, what I like to call, addition by subtraction. I know it’s probably a different situation for you, but my best advice is to save money any way you can, even if it’s just a couple dollars a week. Start hatching an escape plan very secretly. Don’t let on! Do you have any supportive, trustworthy family or friends? You can write back to me if you want. Just know you’re not alone!
So horrible
That is so sad! It makes me unhappy for you just hearing it 😢 If I knew you, I’d have found a way to give you as much as I could, right in front of him. That’s deeply abusive, making someone feel so undeserving, I’m very sorry
Glad you made your way out and are doing better now!
It is transactional. “I gave you this money so you owe me” You owe me your time and everything you have in life” almost like I bought you, so can abuse you and you can give me supply.
I remember when I was living with my ex narc and struggling, he wouldn't even give me a dime. I had enough and got a secret job dancing at a strip club. He was mad when he found out, but as soon as he saw me making money, THEN he wanted us to set up a joint account! Nope. I saved my money, moved the hell out, then all hell broke loose.
Congratulations to you 👏. Im so happy that you were able to get out and be financially secure. 💖💖💖
@@kimsmith819 Thank you ❤
Good for you
Congrats! Sometimes it's not the best or most glamorous job but do it to make yourself free.
narcs have the same behavior when it comes to money as some pimps if you think about it
You are such a blessing to us who cant afford counseling. You are a comfort.
You just described the “marriage transaction” in Indo-Pak cultures. It’s mind blowing how over centuries our cultures have fostered narcissists 😳😣😡😱
Cultures fostering narcissists is a real thing. I'm thinking about American culture and our unspoken system of who can get the financial benefits of their work.
Wow but you are gorgeous i will say
@@jds0981 Yep. Only the glamorous, most popular with the prettiest fake teeth veneer will be hired for the job, listed to, believed or have their voices heard. Anyone else who doesn't have any beauty there that meets the eye is despised, rejected & ultimately fired (Isaiah 53). To survive in this world (John 16:33), one must become evil or just like the other narcissistic people that he/she surrounds themselves with (breads narcissists).
@Uzma Zaidi - They are also VERY misogynistic societies. Women are highly undervalued in Pakistan & in more rural or under-educated parts of India. Also in many African countries, too. Girls are considered as not worthy of the $$$ it costs to educate! 🤯💔🤯 Plus, the more the girls & women stay un-educated, the easier they are to control & abuse, they have no knowledge on how to fight back against the system, nor any $$$ to leave an abusive marriage. So, so heartbreaking.
@@mdee860 it’s so sad 😞 🥺😭
I’ve been waiting for this topic thank you
It’s better to be alone at 21,000 a year then be miserable at 100,000 with a narcissist
I can pay my own rent
Amen to that truth ❤
To anyone else who is also financially stuck, I hope things turn around for you very soon, it's going to get better, hang in there, things will improve, life has it's ebbs and flows, what is down must go up again.
Thank you for your encouragement.
God bless!
Thank you for shedding some positive light.
Agreed!
Thank you
...and they will remind their partner, " Hey, I pay for everything!"
until you get a job making more than they do...
Then comes the competition!!!!!!!..
My ex husband still reminds me how he brought me from Africa to Germany. He rushed me into a marriage, letting me leave my job in my country. Showering me with money before I got my visa to join him in Germany. Coming to Germany me and children didn’t have health insurance because he had a private insurance which he didn’t want to register us in . Even our new born son that we share. That couldn’t even give ten euros. He was all the children money from the government. He would tell everyday how he is doing everything for us. When I left him and the children‘s money was diverted to my account, he cried tears.I am so happy to be divorced, he doesn’t pay child support. But me and children finally have peace
Pamela Odede
💯
Peace is the ultimate goal!
💞
I’m stuck in such a relationship. My dad ruined all of his family. First with my mom, and then his kids. Glad my older sibling dipped. I’m trapped/
Yup, they weaponize it against us :(
It’s alllll about control when you take your control back they are powerless 🤗
👏🏻👏🏻✨✨
I was the one who made millions of dollars in our nearly 20 year marriage. I handed him control of ALL the finances. Last summer when the straw broke the camels back I wanted to get at my money to retain a lawyer and he had embezzled all my money and transferred everything into his name. I had counseled women for years trapped in financially abusive relationships. I never imagined I would end up in that way. I had to give everything to him and walked away with all the debt and my Freedom,. It is still so difficult to wrap my head around this. I am reeling and beating myself up for having waited so long. But, alas, I now see and can never unsee the abuse and tactics. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all that you do to help us become Narcissistic Informed.
So sorry you experienced this. Best wishes
Imagine when it's the kid being financially abused. As a young woman, when I hit puberty, my Nfather ensured I didn't get the average experience.
Yeah. The oter day I was thinking about all the 'normal' things I missed just because I was too bewildered to know how to participate.
@@dianevanderlinden3480 Oh my goodness me too. My Narc father kept changing his jobs and moving the family 8 times. I never had a stable life, he never let us socialize saying the school was important (and when we kept changing schools 8 times I had to focus on school just to get by). My whole life I've had such stress, anxiety, and a sense of self-hate (for not being the daughter my parents could be proud of). When I look at other people my age (in my early 20s) getting jobs and having life-long friends, being in loving relationships, etc I feel left behind and feel lonely because I can't even explain why I am so anxious and introverted. I now only ruly love and have my mom (a literal kind angel), my sister, and maternal grandparents.
@@dianevanderlinden3480 what kind of experiences? Just cuious
@@mireillenadeau2348 I'll post aout it later. Have to sign on to work ;) Have a good day everyone...we can do it!!
My sister and I had an unwritten rule - never let on that we wanted or liked something specific or it would guarantee we would never see it.
This is literally what makes divorcing a narcissist so complicated
what's best way to deal with it then?
My ex narc was a bit different in that he led me on to believe he had a career and could easily find work and make money. He brought me from my country to his, promising me he'd get things in order for me so I could work, etc. It ended up he kept me from that and neither would he work, leaving us in poverty and me unable to get legal status. I was literally trapped and completely dependent on him for everything. For 12 years I had no money, no transportation, no health care, couldn't work, couldn't do anything. But finally I became so utterly miserable after enduring 12 years of many types of abuse and I left out of desperation even though I didn't know what would happen. I was able to find help and am now rebuilding my life. He tried to keep me trapped so I could never leave him but thank God I got the courage to leave and found the help I needed to move on.
I have to congratulate you, April. Thank you for sharing. Your story will help someone else endure.
Good luck on your journey.
👍😎
@@eddierayvanlynch6133 thank you! That's why I share my story because there are so many people in these kinds of abusive relationships that think they are trapped. There is help out there. You don't have to stay.
My story is almost likewise.
I moved from Italy to US for him. Quit my wonderful job and my wonderful life in order to build up a new family together.
While I was getting my legal status(it took 7 months) I started to realize he had never been really interested in me rather in what he could steal from me and from my life.
I had the courage to leave as soon as the so called pandemic started and went back where I belong.
I miss Florida so much.
I’ll loose my Resident Status probably, but I got my health and happiness back!
@@beyourself9162 Hi where are u from?
I had a very similar situation except I worked on my legal status when I realized he lied to me ( said he had an MBA, makes enough money to provide ; we lived with his narcissistic parents for 8 years , no insurance , no transportation). He put me in debt when I started working ( car tickets for speeding, ilegal parking also buying memberships I didn’t sign for ). Last drop was when he asked me to pay for bills in the house after knowing I had to pay for the debts he put me on.
I got a drivers license ( I had a car bought by my family which he used before I could ) and found a better job . I left 2 years ago and now I know how horrible this could be . Oh yes ! He filed taxes for me and my kids, got the money and I never saw a penny of it .
I made the mistake of letting him manage the family finances including my pay. I used to have to explain even my trivial credit card charges. Actually, I was earning more than he was; I feel so stupid in retrospect. Thankfully, I’m happily divorced now, so I enjoy my own earnings!
That’s what my dad does all the time and he’s good at it, he controls people using money. I just can’t wait to finish my studies and be financially independent and run away as far as I can...
I don't know your exact situation but I am willing to bet that you're a better student than your dad ever was. Your patience WILL reward you. I promise!
Get scholarships and bursaries if you can! Work hard so you can study knowing you are trying your best to be independent. Do well in school, get a good job and get FAR FAR AWAY!
You can do it! Just keep your grades up so you don't ever have to crawl back
Even if you are financially independent narcissistic...
I'm cheering for you!!! I did the same and my dad has spent the last 20 years blowing smoke out of his ears because he has no method to control me and can't even get me to return his calls. I just sit and watch it ring with joy and satisfaction. Good luck and please done give up.
Yes! Bought me a car, gave me a credit card, a rolex, vacations etc etc. Got me to quit my job. I felt so trapped! Slowly , i gained a job and planned my exit strategy. He wanted me to move in, with my children. I couldnt do it, the abuse would have trickled to my children. My intuition was screaming, DON’T DO It. I love a modest life now and still struggle. Healing is constant process, yet i stand on my own to feet. Its been 5 years since i escaped. And i am Still healing. The financial, emotional,
And spiritual abuse, was torture.
This is so much like what I’m going the right now!
Same ❤
How to get rid of a Narc. Raise the "rent" high. They move along quick.
Haha this is hilarious
YESSSS!!!!
That's if they pay 'rent' (see my comment above)
Ha.
They will just find a target to pay for them.
Did you watch the video?
This video highlights so well why some people just want to be alone period!
problem is there are so many of these people out there.
@@Joe-to8og My 4 siblings are among them Joe!
I kid you not, I was literally and I mean literally just thinking about this when I got this notification! 🤯 I haven’t even gotten through the video yet but I know it’s gonna be helpful! Thank you!
I was about to write a similar comment as this topic was on my mind for the last 10 minutes😂
Today’s and yesterday’s video were right on time for me!
Agreed she is very helpful. I am grateful for Ms. Ramani and this community.
God it's spooky..I too just was wondering if my parent is a narc as he controls with money. And the video came out. Thanks Dr Ramani!
I'm starting to think that these smartphones are tapping conversations because too many times the very issue that's going on in my home just pops up on my feed..🤔 I needed it anyway..
When I called my narcissistic father out he pointed out all the things he’s payed for in response. I told him it has nothing to do with money.
yes they love to do that - I paid for this - I've done all of this for you- it always has to do with money for them because that is how they see the world and people - transactional things to buy and control.
Literally same
Same
Same here lol
My husband did this.
My narcissist “mother” made me work to support her for years instead of sending me to college. And implied I was lazy whenever I happened to be on sick leave.
Same, I never got to go. :(
I mean I went, but unsuccessfully. It just made her angrier and she winded up putting so much financial stress and emotional stress on me that I couldn’t finish.
My narc mom insisted I go, but had no resources for me to go. When I had money left over from my student loans after paying tuition and buying books, I gave it to her.
After graduating, student loans came calling. I was underemployed initially and had difficulty paying. They garnished my wages. I called my mom and asked if I could move back home temporarily until the garnishment ended. She told me no. As a result, I struggled for _years_.
Fast forward to last year. I'm gainfully employed, own my home and am financially sound. This heifer now expects _me_ to save her house from foreclosure. Mind you, that the house was even _allowed_ to go into foreclosure was manipulation! She miscalculated, though. I healed myself last year and chose not to give a dime, which forced her to file bankruptcy.
We have barely spoken since, and I'm fine with that.
My narc mother actually resented the fact that my brother and I went to college for several reasons:
1) We should have instead been working more to support her.
2) We were accomplishing something she could never do
3) We would become independent as a result.
Not only did she contribute nothing to our educations, she even charged us rent to live in the house she took from my father in the divorce.
In an effort to dissuade my brother from going away to college, where she would no longer receive rent from him while he's living elsewhere, she told my brother, "Fine ... you go to college, I hope they teach you how to be a human being while you're there."
She's not a mother.
She's a monster.
My narcassistic "mother monster" is obsessed with my salary even though she inherited every dime of my narcassistic father's estate. Both of them were horrible parents and people. I am an only child and it was always them vs me. I can't believe I survived my upbringing.
Don’t depend on anyone for financial security . Do yourself a favor . Work.
Well said 👏🏽
Watch out for those who want to use you as a cash cow!
The best advice my Mom ever gave me was to never be financially dependent on a man! It's a good thing I listened!
Yup. Never let someone control you with money. Its awful to be controlled by a narc and no one takes it seriously because he pays
@@adriennekraig3208 my dad taught me to take care of myself and never, ever depend on a man financially. Best freaking advice I ever received.
My narc best friend controlled me with money. She would insist I go out to eat with her almost every night even though I couldn’t afford it. She’d always pick up the tab and I told her it made me uncomfortable but she continued to insist. The first time we got in a minor fight (because I hung out with a new friend one night instead of her) she threw all of the money she’d been spending on me in front of my face. She also told our mutual friends that I’d “never even bought her so much as a bottle of wine” to thank her for her “generosity.” I think it’s important to know friends can do everything discussed in these video too.
I get this my friend would always force herself on me to pay for a lot, and then say you can just buy something else instead of paying back outright, it would get so confusing and she would blow up on me when I couldn't keep track. Or if I borrowed money (which I only did like 2 times in 10 years) would hound me for it when she knew I couldn't pay her back, but I was nagging and kicking her while she was down if I asked about money she owed me, even though she had just spent all her money (which she made easily over $400 a week plus monthly rent checks from tenants that added up to about $2400 a month) on drugs alcohol and impulse buys. Then would constantly complain about how she's so broke but also "won't get out of bed if she's not making $150 a day". Sorry if this is confusing, it truly was a mind f*** for me too lol
Mm hmm
Eastman...Preach.. 🎤 drop.
"Gifts" are a social "contract" they set up to control you. Never be comfortable with someone who immediately starts buying you things! Money and charm and then it all turns bad.
I am facing this with a new flatmate I shifted with 20 days ago. With help of Dr. Ramanis teaching I decided to take things slowly before involving with these strangers I found on Facebook rented property community. Within 10 days all went down the rabbit hole when I started communicating my boundaries which was not taken well. I have been asked to leave and she is trying to do best to eat away my share of deposit. Creates all kinds of lies blames and dramas with her two other flying monkeys to torture me nd push me out of house but I m following Dr. Ramani for over an year nd not surprised by all these horrible actions of her nd ready to lodge a police complain about this fraud
I don’t regret leaving.. loosing my car my lights and water getting shut off.... it was hard but I knew it wud happen before I left and I was ok with having nothing vs feeling like wanting to die every day
Imprisonment is imprisonment. gold chains keep you down just as much as the iron ones 👏🏽
You can sell gold and get on down the road.
What I see often in the African American community for financial abuse is the woman working like a slave while the man won’t do ANYTHING to contribute. My friend is in a relationship with a narcissist and she was NINE MONTHS PREGNANT working two jobs and looking to UBER on the side of that. Meanwhile, her man lived with her and barely worked part time and would not do anything more than that to assist.
African American community….no that’s just desperate women in all groups of women
This is my situation! Attorney here. Literally became broke supporting the household. I left a month ago and went no contact.
She should quit her job and he will HAVE to step up simple !
@@neneosei7168 SMH. She has. He does NOTHING. She has lost jobs, went on maternity leave and HAD to stop working. He would work a little more only then, and for a short period of time. He will then become abusive and mean so she has to go back to work and he stops. It’s deliberate and very manipulative
@@brittneysperspective8433 Put him on child support lets see how fast he steps up then as will have to pay his own bills also.
In my case, my narcissist wouldn't get or keep a job and then would sit around the house playing video games all day and feeling entitled to do so while I was working
Mine was in his 50s doing that!
@@msblueocean7533 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
Same with me and say we are a team
Yep, me too. Not vid games but booze.
@@msblueocean7533 yuck 🤢
Thank you so much! It took 5 years for the divorce. You described my life perfectly! No $ for food, clothes, any necessities, but he had enough $ for all he wanted. I remember going to counseling crying because I cd only find Pennies in couch cushions to pay.
Some are just flat out mean, from the get go. They are brilliant are getting others to pay for everything.
That was my husband. When we met I thought, why not bring him along for the ride he's good looking, knows the same people I know, and we did have fun… For a while. I couldn't figure out what went wrong, I kept thinking why did we take this wrong path? Everything was my fault and he blamed me for everything that went wrong. But I learned and that's why I am here! Good luck to you🌷
Sending hope and love to everyone fighting for their lives and/or their childrens lives right now. Dont give up. They want you to give up and lay down. Dont do it. You have to keep fighting. You are worth it. You are meant to be here and you have something inside you that the world really needs. The narc sees this and wants to steal it from you. They dont want you having light or shining light. Be kind to yourself and keep telling the truth, your truth!
Needed this, your words helped today. thank you so much :)
@ C Brown I don't know why, but my eyes got wet while reading your comment..... May be these were the actual words I was longing to hear....
Even my own family could not see or understand my pain....
Thank You
To Thine Own Self Be True
I went through this, it was one of the worse situations I ever went through in my life (this is also why I'm not married right now). Recently, I broke free but my income rough to live off of but at least I have my sanity.
Sanity is good. Extreme narcissism not so good.
I forgot to tell you, good for you! I hope you are healing now.
So brave , I have three kids and I feel I loose all my abilities.
@@beyourself9162 that most be heart breaking, that’s why I’m so scare and weak , I could not se my child sad by not seen their father , But I’m so traumatized by now , I feel not power, only powerless. So happy that you can feel the freedom.
@@beyourself9162 thank you I’m trying hard , I trying to loose weight I gain 80 pound for so much anxiety That I can really handle , but people who get out of it give hope.
This describes my mother perfectly. My father handed over BOTH of his paychecks (yup, he worked two jobs so she could be a stay-at-home mother) and she wielded that money like a cudgel to get the obedience she demanded. Her favorite phrase was "No more money for you" when she felt any kind of resistance from anyone, even my dad. He had to get a third job so he could buy boots, tools, gas for his van and lunch so he could keep going to work. It was madness.
Wow! When I was a kid, my father would make my mother beg... on her knees for $37.50 per week to support me and my sister.
It was so awful!
They are sick! My father never paid child support then would ask me to work for him to get pocket money for my school fees etc. They're assholes
😢
The reverse often happens a partner supports the narcissist and gets nothing but devaluation.
You are a man... Welcome to the house of mirrors.
it's true,it happened to me
Exactly. It's even worse when the narcissist is dependent upon us, the victims, because they take devaluation and emotional abuse to absurd levels.
Same happened to me 😢
It happened to me 😔
Did I hear this right? A whole series on the narc and money? Bring it! There were so many instances of unnecessary scrooge moments from someone who made a six figure salary and splurged on big ticket items on themselves without batting a eyelid!
Yes!! I used to shop at thrift stores and ate off the dollar menu while he bought sports cars and ate steak. I can't believe I put up with that for as long as I did. I will be spoiling myself for the rest of my life and will never expect it from a partner. I wish I wasn't so jaded.
Same here with the sports car! Get that car and all the flagship tech gadgets, but then complain there were like 50 bucks missing in the joint account for bills. So it was up to me to waste literal HOURS figuring out all our payments in and surprise surprise, every time it would turn out he was the one who didn't pay in enough because he would send random amounts of money instead of the amount we had worked out. He would refuse to set up an automatic monthly payment to avoid this happening over and over again. And there were plenty of petty grumblings over dinners out and even shampoo once. Good riddance!
@@aMUSEdOxymoron Mine expressed disgust because I wasted £16 buying 11 items of essential underwear (first since lockdown April 2020), but he's just ordered £44+ worth of books and has been cinema several times...
@@clogs4956 I'm just relieved that buying a house fell through, we never pooled all our resources and that a lot of our expenses had been tracked. And thank golly we never got married, that would have been an ugly divorce, the mathematical gymnastics over small things during the relationship and after the breakup were mind boggling. It can be very insidious and leave you feeling like an idiot until you recognise them for what they are and you put your foot down.
This video really hit home. My narcissistic ex would "give me an allowance" and I turned into his indentured servant. He always kept his financial information from me, obviously because he was hiding money. When I worked I was expected to contribute more to the house and cover more of my expenses even if I earned very little.
Mine would take me to the Mall to watch him spend hundreds of dollars on his clothes for "work", he was addictedto "Structure" clothing...he'd take me and the children to the good court, buy himself a meal, buy our sons kids meals. If they didn't eat it all, I got the left overs. After the Mall he'd drive to the Salvation Army,hand me $20's and tell me "Buy you and the kids something ". Later I found out he had forged my name on credit cards in my name. He took thousands of cash advances out on my name, and spent it all on himself.
@@constancedenchy9801 I'm so sorry. I'm glad you are no longer with him. Many blessings.
Yeah this is my story too. He pays only the rent/mortgage. I struggled to cover everything else for myself and kids. I struggled to buy food and would wait till we go to bed and eat food meant for the kids. He would buy himself take out every day at work and tell others how HE makes sure our kids are OK first, saying how he won't eat unless they have eaten but he steals the food I'm working myself to the bone to get. My health gave out on me and suddenly he's able to cover so much more of the expenses. But he's putting pressure on me to work again even though I'm not well. It makes me so angry that he makes himself out as a hero but he steals, lies, etc.
@@Dalcar.avotreestudio I'm sorry. I hope you recover soon and can eventually get away from him.
@@alessandrasaenz72 thank you, me too. By the Grace of God.
my ex would use lavish dinners and helping me pay my bills as a way to hoover me back in. but he would never listen to my needs or work on our issues, he would never accept responsibility for his own actions or words toward me. he knows i'm poor and he knows he's got all the money in the world to throw around and usually when things hit the fan and we go months without talking, he randomly sends me "money to help out" as a way to nudge his way back in. but again.. never ever addresses anything and it slowly just goes back to batshit and the cycle starts again. and of course it's always me and my fault and i'm the crazy person every time.
NO MORE.
You just described my husband
I’m literally just getting away from someone I visited for the 4th like this 💁🏼♀️
I call it , surface level, like a surface level relationship or surface level person.
They can’t dig down deep and find emotions , they’re incapable of communicating, and taking responsibility for their actions, like you said….. apparently, this is a textbook, narcissist, who likes to manipulate with money.
I agree with you … never go back to that, I promise I won’t either.
💯
I love representing the weaker spouse against the monied narcissist spouse in a contentious divorce case. Courts in my jurisdiction have the power to order interim counsel fees, cost and expense, so I can break my client financially free from the controlling narcissist. This is often the first step in placing my client on a much better life trajectory. Stay safe out there!
Do you do anything about narcs that steal inheritance and alienate your narc mother from you?
We need more people like you
I need your help..I’m going through this now
My Narcissistic Boyfriend was actually broke and I helped him financially to an extent that I went broke too.. Such a wrong company I was with
That’s how it started for me. Been married 13 years..
Same. When he got a big loan he still contributed very little while he went shopping for himself and blew it all.
Same, they contribute very little, especially if they know you can't afford everything on your own, and you have a child with them, I'd give 100% of my monthly income to pay bills, groceries, etc. I'd ask for help, and he'd complain, he'd go out and blow money on bars, expensive clothing, hotel rooms, etc, and if he did give me any money, he'd throw it in my face later, like he did me a favor. He knew I was financially trapped, and he didn't want to help, he knew that I was stuck and he enjoyed the power. I couldn't save any money, and I couldn't afford to move. He enjoyed every tear, and every bit on breaking me down, narcissists are demonic. They will emotionally, physically, and financially drain you.
My narcissist ex used to buy cars, expensive bikes, phones, computers, jewelry, engagement rings, expensive trips, etc. to his exes until he got almost broke and due to his low-income salary from being the super grandiose he became the vulnerable one who blames everything on the world and hates everyone but pretends outdoors that he’s a very nice empathetic man... indoors he was a monster.
Pink is a gorgeous colour on you Dr. Ramani. Looking beautiful today
The upside of broad experience with financial abuse is that I pay a lot of attention to what happens after I say no to a "request", and also what happens after someone "gives" me a "gift". Even regular people can think gifts entitle them,but a narcissist always believes it does ...forever! The difference is huge.
I know it’s no longer worth asking my ex for money to split the cost on things for our son. He uses it to gain control of us. I’m worse off financially, but he is always willing to hurt us over things like that
A narcissist will never let you forget if they spend $15.00 on you.
This is why I will never give my partner access to all my finances, I will keep more than one source of income and keep most of them, for the most part, hidden and only accessible to me. Independence is something every human should strive for, regardless of gender, race, religion.
So true! My ex would pay for everything at the start of our relationship. He would spoil me with gifts, and lavish outings, and then flipped the script. Where he was once just paying for everything without question, I then found myself having to ask for every dollar, lavish dinners faded into eating on his terms, and when I would point this out, he would just gaslight me. The relationship was so exhausting.
Currently experiencing this abuse in my divorce... HARD
My two cents: Prepare yourself prior to divorce if you can. Get a separate savings account, credit card, cash, etc. before starting the divorce for emergency use (best if they don't know about it in the beginning, but they will during discovery). Once you start the divorce, get a financial restraining order in place ASAP! This will only slow down their games and hopefully provide you with some sort of security throughout the process.
Thanks for telling us about the Financial Restraining Order. I'm about to file for Divorce from my Narc.
I wish I knew this. 😢😢😢😢
Please keep strong no matter what
Yes. If you can. Be very careful. Do not slip to let narcs or flying monkeys know you are saving. Better safe than sorry. If you can plan do it.
Thank you for that knowledge. I have divorce paper printed and I can’t bring myself to fill them out. I’m so worried about “going to war” with this guy. He knows ALL my information. And will call my credit card and sound like me over the phone.
I had a different side to this, I was the one who earned the money, but as I am disabled I spent a lot of time isolated on my own. My husband would use my bank account as his own, he didn’t care about bills or talking about money, if I tried he would shout/outburst etc. he didn’t work and had no interest, he was always the victim and every time I tried to talk he blow up and it would always end with ‘you always make everything about you!’ I became so conditioned and so didn’t want him to explode I gave up, my life was always making sure he was okay and wouldn’t blow up on me. I’ve left 8 wks ago, it’s not easy at all but I got away, even if I’m still fighting for my home that I’ve paid for with no contribution!! And it’s set up for my wheelchair but I’m in court on 23rd and really hoping for an early Christmas present. Just wanted to show that finical abuse can happen even when it’s you who earns it, I’m in 18k debt but I’m free and that’s priceless. Keep strong everyone ❤
Oh yeah my dad is a ER doctor and is a huge narcissist. He’s said so many crazy hurtful things to me for no reason. He’s only helped me if I do exactly what he told me to do or wanted, after college he hasn’t helped me since. Mind you he has neglected and abandoned from ever having a relationship with me. My sociopathic mother being a narcissist as well has always held back financial help because she’s severely controlling and OCD. When I was younger child she would give me things then take them back if I didn’t do exactly what she said or I made a bit of a mistake. They have zero empathy for me, they don’t see or hear me at all. It’s such a awful sad situation. Financially both of them have money and a big house but are so selfish to share or help me. They won’t even let me live back with them and I haven’t done anything to justify as to why I can’t. They are both so psychotic unfortunately, which is why I can’t deal with them and going no contact. They clearly don’t want to see me doing well in my life. They aren’t helpful supportive or encouraging to be there for me and love me unconditionally, they just want to be toxic and put me down and make me feel bad for being alive.
@Alexandria Scott - so sorry you were forced to endure their behavior. Once you go no contact, I think your life will open up. Whatever you do, please don’t be tricked into letting them back into your life. Always remember why you decided to go no contact in the first place - you were forced to!
He'll worsen with age, no contact!
Oh dear. I am in a similar condition. It’s a mess and leaves you feeling like an imposter.
How old are you?
And then they use it to portray to others how caring and kind they are. “Oh look how much I care about my daughter, I give her all this money” and then outsiders shame you for not being grateful for how much your mom is helping you.
Are you me?! You exactly describe my situation.
I'm so tired.
Exactly. They would go out there how the do everything and you are not appreciative. Like never wanted me to work. I came from a different continent didn’t even want me to intergrate coming to learn , he didn’t want me to be financially independent to abuse me. I was independent for 22 years raised a daughter. Depending on someone is one thing I refuse. Insisting on working on my financial independence gave me strength to break free.
@@pamelaodede4957 I'm so glad you had the strength strength break free ❤ I hope you're in a safe happy space now.
@@ts4686 yes i am , thank you.
Just like my father
And now my husband..
How about they say if you marry them and have their baby. "You'll
never have to work again" Then when they abused their own income,
they complain that I don't contribute and called me "useless consumer".
I pissed him off further when I told his parents not to pay his debts.
Yes! "You don't have to work, I'm going to be the breadwinner! You just stay home and relax. I'll also make sure that my woman always looks perfect with her hair done and nails done whenever you want."
This October, we'll be together for 10 years. Either my Ma or myself will cut my hair and then I deal with the horrible criticism from him. We have a daughter together and she will be turning 3 years old this September. Unbeknownst to me, behind my back, my fiance has asked his family and my Ma for money. I recieve food stamps for our daughter and myself, BUT I don't have my EBT Card because I'm not allowed to go to the store, drive the car, have a job, have any friends unless approved by my fiance (which he never approves and tries to pressure a threesome with any friends of mine so I just gave up and stay home alone with our daughter, raising her to not follow in my footsteps)
Ohh, oh and I was able to hide cash recieved from family on holidays and special occasions.... Well my fiance put my life on hold for 10 years while he was taking his time finalizing his divorce. I ended up giving him $700.00, which was half the payment he needed and he didn't even blink an eye. Yet, if he buys something that is a necessity for the home or hygiene products for myself, he literally expects oral sex for what he did! It's really unbelievable. He has all the passwords, probably several different accounts and social media and banking.... I'm not allowed to ask anything about anything. If he decides to share any financial information with me, he'll hold his phone and I have to quickly read it. Of course, the timing is not ever beneficial for me to be 100% paying attention because he waits until he sees that I'm doing something for our daughter, etc. and then will turn around and say, "I tried to show you and you were too busy! You can't stop and give me one fuckin second to show you the financial situation we are in and the amount in the bank!"
He also claims that I have no right or ability due to not being legally married to him, to be able to have a 2nd bankcard (copy of his debit card) BUT when he had me drive him to the bank because he was too intoxicated to drive, I asked them and he immediately cut me off, changed the topic and gave me the "you're in deep shit once we get home" look.
I really am humiliated that I not only allowed myself to be in this situation BUT I also am trying to raise and shield our daughter from the dysfunction that is of my fault. Sometimes, I really just fuckin hate the woman I am. Which I couldn't even tell anyone who I am because I have completely lost my identity and am gaslighted, ignored, criticized, punished or forced to perform for someone who I don't know really loves me or ever did.
My Ex also called me a “consumer and not a producer” after He had me stay home with the kids. -which is also what I wanted; but he maintained control over the money. Once I bought a $5 box of clothes (at a garage sale) for my soon-to-be kindergartner and felt like I had hit the jackpot. The most I ever spent on, say, a dress for myself, was $10. But if HE wanted me to look good for some (work) Event, he would spend the big bucks on a nice dress for me. Once he spent $600 on a black velvet dress for me to go see phantom of the opera in San Francisco …with his work.
@@mamabear-9.18.18 he’s your fiancée? RUN NOW!!
@@mamabear-9.18.18 Nicole Stafford
I am physically & mentally disabled & this is exactly what both of my narc parents have been doing since my birth, as well as medical neglect
Oh my gosh. I'm glad you did this one, because of my husband I separated from in January I'm in financial debt. 😔 I'm digging myself out of now. I never thought being married to someone could cause financial abuse.
I'm with you Carlita...let's stay strong👊🏾💪🏾
@@shantemoore6265 Exactly!
I had to bankrupt because I found out my Ex was considering it. A lawyer explained to me I needed to file first. I cried before the judge because I had kept my end good. If I had not I could have "inherited" his debts. I am not berating my Ex, I simply had to protect myself. He is basically a good person I did not want to hurt, he had bigger problems. You have to watch your back. Another thing my grown children will never understand. So, it goes...✌️
He isolated me from may family. He opened a restaurant In his country, I came to work with him. He never gaved me a salary or wage. He said I had all I needed, (food and shelter.)
Then I became pregnant, I stopped working on my 9th month of pregnancy. He never forgave me for that.
Our son is autistic. He is now 5 y.o.
I struggle to have enough money to buy food or clothes, and to pay for therapies for my boy.
He has plenty of money, all hidden accounts, I don't have any access to money. Now we have decided to divorce, but he just want to give a minimum amount for child support, and asks me to quit to all my financial rights as a wife in order to be able to get full custody of our son.
Dr Ramani, I am so desperate! I don't know what way to take.
This is exactly what happened to me with my Ex. Then, after 18 years, HE’S the one who left…to marry his assistant at Chase Bank where they both worked. He had HER give up her job too after they married. I think she’s just as much or more of a narcissist as he is, though. So she may be the one controlling the purse strings. I think his come-uppance is coming up.
Oh yes, and by the way, I’m now homeless and penniless (after living life with the ability to get pretty much whatever I wanted-still, with his tight-fisted control over the money-and living in my dream home). I share a small room with two of my grandchildren.
I just went through something similar. Still going through it
Omg! I'm so glad I escaped. I was soooooo close to this kind of control. And was called a spoilt brat and wasteful for what my parents are willing to do for me. It's crazy! It's also interesting I noticed that narcissists are always complaining about how rich people spend their own money! Like this personality is just mad!
Always complaining that their parents don't foot their debts.
Complain about every aspect of your life as you agree to do
what they wanted you to do. I'm glad you stuck up for yourself.
I've been called a spoiled brat too💔
@@cymbolichuman433 thank you. Everytime I watch Dr. Ramani's video I wonder if these people all went to the same school that the rest of us are not aware of. I mean how can they all act the same yet in different places and backgrounds?! Its outstanding!
In another video, Dr. Ramani said something to the effect that we reasonably should have expected to have our resource needs met by our parents, so their guilting us for having fed and clothed us is not fair. I found that to be quite a powerful revelation.
Saw this type of abuse a lot when I worked at a women's shelter. Wish counselors at dv shelters would address this as part of narcissism to show a bigger picture. Thanks again! 🤗 💕
I saw the red flags most of what Dr Ramani said fits exactly how they act.
He counted our finances to the penny. Several times he made me empty my purse to make sure I wasn’t hiding a stash of money. And the weird part is that I was the breadwinner. He was mostly in between jobs. He would always say “the boss fired me because he knows I am smarter than him”. I finally got the courage to leave after 20 years. Now that I control my own finances I don’t understand how we were broke all the time (according to him anyway).
Kathie Mitchell,You don't need a narcissist in your life......
I am suffering from this right now. I took care of the finances for years (because I was better at it) but now that I am trying to leave and my husband took back the accounts abs will give me very little money to even feed my child much less pay for medical expenses or basic needs. He acts like it shouldn’t be a big deal. I finally left him and get no help at all. I am selling all my positions to keep going because I am disabled. He had me right where he wanted bed ridden and at his full control for years. My son has paid the price and now has severe PTSD, anxiety and has been diagnosed with bipolar. I take him to drs weekly for therapy and to other specialists. I am 100% on my own with his care emotionally, physically, financially and psychologically. I am so sad it took me 17 year to figure out he was a narcissist. My child has paid the ultimate price. I refuse to go back. My son and I are living in an RV but it’s better than being around to be fed off emotionally every day or completely ignored and neglected as he does my child. Thank you for doing this episode. It’s a very important topic. (I also had a sister who siphoned off all my fathers money and spent my inheritance. It makes a lot of sense now why)
I see you & I was you. Please, reach out to your local DV agency. If you're not receiving SSDI/SSI funds for your disability, please apply. You and your child would both qualify. Good luck to you.
This is all true. At first you’re self sufficient. They like your house and your belongings. They weasel their way into all of that and then hate your career choice and hate your house. They may have very little, act like they will lighten your load, and take care of you, then that take everything away. All of the savings disappear and they tell you you’re crazy to doubt what they’re doing with money. It’s such a spiral downhill. you can see happening. The only way to restore your life is to cut your losses and sever all ties. It may take time to recover but it will happen in time.
Thank you for this! My mother wanted my dad's money, my money, etc. but she refused to get a job. "I don't want to work in an office with a bunch of bimbos." Putting up with it because she was my mother set me up for a kinds of terrible patterns in life. And I am the one who ended up looking crazy. The story is so bizarre and tragic I've decided to write about it. Perhaps I'll soon have one of those self-published books on Amazon. Wish I could escape Amazon sometimes lol. That's another story.
We should compare notes. Sounds like our mothers are identical twins. Just saying. #USTOOEnough.
@@ninamontrosse5588 some of the Christmas gifts I got were things I had given her for Mothers Day, Christmas, etc. I can understand pitching in if your parents are broke, going through tough time, etc. My mother had tons of real estate.
I want to read your story! It sounds terrifying and fascinating and I'm proud of you for grabbing a pen and writing it out
@@dianevanderlinden3480 Lol, my mom got me socks for Christmas. Like the plain white kind in the Hanes package. And a card that said “I hope you feel as loved as you are” which means “I hate you, b$tc#.”
@@DomCOuano I have subscribed to your channel and know where to find you. Will keep in touch. Also have ideas for a few other creative things, maybe you can refer me to some collaborators lol.
From my experience - they are obsessed with money itself. It is not a tool to live, but a goal in itself.
Making money and making more money. At all costs. Also parsimony is common among them.
This is the exact situation that I went through with my ex Dr. Ramini just like you explained it in perfect detail and He also made me his assistant! When we were together! He controlled everything!I had to leave him and start from Zero! It was a huge hurtful shock and very painful I had never been in such a relationship where I was exhausted and experienced true hell on earth!
Me too.
I did care about him, so paying the lion’s share of expenses was my choice initially.
It wasn’t until I gained clarity, after being violently assaulted, that I was truly able to identify the bigger picture of narcissistic abuse (all inclusive).
He presented as a harmless vulnerable caring giving nice guy.
He was not!
It was what lurked within that I misread & misinterpreted as love.
Had nothing to do with love.
@Mary Carroll
Absolutely true
This topic is very close to my heart. I will never forget the way my mom drained me financially. I'm still haunted by the day when i walked into a shop and had to pick a bra or jeans to buy. being 22 and working as much as i can to keep up with the credit loans so my bank account dont shut down. unable to buy myself clothes like a normal woman...Today i'm free of her and doing much better.
I’m going through the same thing I can’t wait till I move away
I went from having 20K+ in the bank when I met her to like 15k in debt when it was over. She would constantly complain she had no money so I would have to pay all the bills and pay for everything, and obviously she was HARD on money. I've never to this day seen anyone so irresponsible with money before; she's still like this (we have a kid together) and it makes me absolutely sick. She spends like a millionaire when she doesn't make very much, I make way more than her and I'm always asking how she manages to have all this nice stuff, way nicer and better stuff than me and on demand, when I make double the money. I will be the only one that has any savings built up to help my kid with college and it makes me SICK.
Even when the family is doing well the narc creates these narratives and ignores all the sacrifices of their spouse. Narcs love to play the victim and the manipulation of centres of power and control is a tool of the narcissist. Their lack of empathy is staggering. The narcissist knows that the only way to survive them is to document everything and they know normal people won't do this. The lives of others is a game to them. 😒
And they love to start out a rant with "After all I've done for you....!"
I suffered from a work injury resulting in debilitating migraines and depression. I laid in our bed for over 2 years withering away while he spent my monthly disability income, savings, maxed out credit cards for his addictions. So blessed for my family who stopped by demanding to let them in. My mother dragged me out of bed packed me a bag and I’ve never looked back! I feel blessed to have made it out of that alive honestly. 💫💞
Another amazing video. Thank you. The fog has cleared and I can now understand why parents try to keep a financial stronghold over their adult children-- it gives them power over us. They'd rather have control than empower us to be financially independent.
Because they are weak and co dependent and are abusive. They are pathetic & no one else would deal with them if they were like that. So they have to resort to stifling and trapping their predecessors (women will always be dominant sexually. If we don’t approve of him we won’t continue him).
I cant Believe how precise this is.
I know right
Exactly well said. My MIL uses this as control over my wife, she used to give her allowance, which I didn't know. It ended up narc supply to support their inconvenience demands. Cut off the financial money train and don't receive anything from them. Decided to go gray rock and no contact.
@Mary Carroll thank you. We both have great paying jobs, but my MIL would always imposed this on my wife till the rageful behavior would start and ghosting. It's alot better knowing that longer part of that dysfunctional family dynamic.
In retrospection, I was a prisoner for 11years. Made me sell my car No one could know where I lived or have a phone number. Took my paychecks. Once it became physical I started making plans to get out alive.
It's the accuracy of it all for me. Narc's want you to be financially dependent on them. Everything is also transactional so they will pay for your wedding or education just to have control over what you study, or where to study/have your wedding, themes, etc. Making promises and later rescinding is also very familiar to me! It sucks! Be independent and live your own happy life on your own terms!
this is incredibly relevant to my situation. especially sadistic when, like you said, they'll make the family go without while showering coworkers and bosses with items, food, and gifts. it's absolutely sickening.
I was wondering about Britney Spears' father and his controlling nature. Not saying he's a narcissist but some of the signs seem to be there.
He most definitely is one! What kind of a parent would do that to their own child?? The one who sees their child as an extension to them! A narcissistic!
I read this morning the court isn’t going to set her free. Pray for Britney.
Praying for Britney🙏🏻
Britney is in my prayers. It’s unjust and horrifying what’s happening to her.
@@Chicgirly that’s true… his ADULT “child “. She’s grown. Let’s say Britney at one time needed help and a conservatorship.. let’s just say… well fine. She doesn’t anymore. Any real well meaning parent would have let it all go and be SO HAPPY to have their “child” healthy and whole again and ready to run her own life. I’m really hoping and praying ( sincerely) for someone in the courts to help Britney out if this bondage. It literally did take supernatural intervention for me. Nothing short of miracles after miracles in the court system. Too much to get into- but from papers being assigned to one judge and then the other and then another! To the police officers involved in all the cases.. so yes, praying to God for help for Britney. He sees everything and has all power. I pray for angels and supernatural power to help her and her children.
Not only was I the scapegoat child however I was also the cash cow in the family, All because I was born with a disability, (so much so, that when I ran across the country they literally called the cops on me and told them that I was 16 and that I was a runaway. When in reality I was actually 21. That's how badly they wanted me back and it was just for the money nothing else). They were sadistic narcissists. They were really cruel, however, I do have compassion for them (NO WAY am I defending them absolutely in NO WAY!); because at the end of the day they are human too that's what they were brought up with that's all they know that's all they're ever going to know. So having been brought up with just that alone I feel sorry for them. I've essentially have gotten to the point where I accept it, (I'm in NO WAY am I condoning it), but just to accept that yes I've been through having a lot of trauma, but without those experiences, I wouldn't be this strong confident independent woman that I am because of what they did to me.
I had a different situation as far as the financial situation. I managed the household finances, sorting out bills, food shopping, house maintenance etc and he just used to pay a contribution into joint account, and it never seemed enough. It was more like having a lodger. I never knew how much he earned, he was very secretive about his earnings. At times I was struggling to pay bills but he would not contribute any more towards bills etc always saying he was skint, but he would spend lots of money on things that were important to him ie expensive hobbies, lads trips away, online poker...
My experience similar to yours. It is so difficult having a moocher
Yup
My wife spends everything on fashion., Like $3k+ per month
It is embarrassing to realize you have let someone do this to you, but it eases the sting a bit to read about others who have done the same. At least I’m not alone. And I’m not imagining it. I’m not crazy.
It’s feels terrible. Then to watch them come into some money finally but go shopping while you struggle to pay bills alone wearing ran down shoes. Such demons they are. Mine would give his mother thousands of dollars frequently while giving me absolutely nothing to pay bills with. I’ve left him already and I’m still crushed financially.😢
Every box ticked.
Some more things I thought of: Ordered items with COD to arrive when he was not home.
Delayed credit card loan payment on my name just to have me pay, added with late fine.
Took me shopping or for lunch and then pretended he forgot his wallet.
Bought home equipment in my name so that I would have to pay for the AMCs.
Bought properties in his own name after getting me to hand him large amounts of cash for the same.
Borrowed on my credit card to take vacations with 'certain' people.
Denied having money for our child's education, but immediately bought new home theater and enrolled himself for an expensive course he didn't want.
Same here!
This really hits home.
I am completely financial dependent on her (my narc). She had me believing that we were 'building a business and a future together' hence me learning video editing and getting a personal training certification. She has the cars, the money and basically everything. It's a shame I've wasted so much time doing this and also helping her learn how to live. I will escape though. I will never give up.
Start planning your escape and finances well before you escape. My salvation was a new job that gave me financial independence. But get all your ducks in a row before ending the relationship - a narc will make you Enemy No 1 the minute you leave them. They will play dirty. Build a trusted support network around too - the narc will go on a smear campaign
I needed to hear this today. Financial abuse has coloured my whole life. I largely got away from my financially controlling Dad aged 19, but it was hard and left a lot of scars. Now, in late middle age, I have power of attorney for his finances And I’m trying to find out where he’s hidden his money because it’s needed to pay for his care. Meanwhile I’m still not certain if, as frequently threatened, he cut me out of his Will. If there is any left to me, after he dies, it will feel so tainted I’m not sure what I would do with it.
I think you should spoil yourself and view it as a karmic debt being paid back. You deserve it!!
Find his money. Withdraw it. Put it in a shoebox in your bedroom closet.
Then, STOP, helping him as his power of attorney. Let him die.
I say you sell it and donate.
Yes, indeed. This financial abuse by my father made my mother into a narcissist as well which in turn caused her to scapegoat me because he never allowed her to develop herself even after we were all fully grown. She was locked down into catering to his cooking and cleaning and always provided for us but never respected us.
Same like my story 🥺
Dr. Ramani, could you please speak on financial abuse when the abused is the main earner?
In my case, I had a higher salary for most of the relationship. He tried to coerce me to leave my employment in both my professions and when I wouldn't he refused to contribute his income to the household by keeping it all, gambling it off and gifting (not to me of course) it to his new supply or family members.
Many of the examples and scenarios still apply but with a twist.
Hear hear! In my case, he loved the money while resenting me for earning more than him.
@@clogs4956 oh yes, so right! And the perks and benefits too!
I'm in this situation 😔😔😔 I initially thought that my marriage would be life sharing as my parents always worked toghether for a common goal. I had no idea that narcisist even existed.
Thank you for this video Dr Ramani. It came at just the right time for me. In my case, my mother was physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive all my life. I am almost 40 now and I am working very hard in therapy to disentangle myself from her clutches, but it is so challenging. I find the internal oppression and grooming means that progress is slow.
This video has made me realise that my mother was/is a financial abuser aswell. When I was younger, she would "help" me with costs - e.g. a car, college fees, medical bills etc, and then use the gift/loan as a means to control and abuse. For example, for my final year of school she enrolled me in a private school to help me get better grades. She forced me to sign a contract that in return I would only meet my friends three times that year and even stipulating what kind of food I was allowed to ask for and eat (I had a suicide attempt by Christmas, it was a very oppressive time). Another example is she made a big fuss of buying me a prom dress and then when I was all dressed up and on the way there, she looked at me and said "you didn't put enough effort into your appearance and I don't like your attitude". I was not allowed to go to prom after all and we returned the dress the next day. When I first started to drive she insisted on buying me an expensive car (way beyond my budget or what I could afford myself), did not give me any choice, and then once I got a job that was reliant on my driving, she would threaten to take the car away suddenly on nights when I had a big work trip the next day, and would berate me when I could not afford to pay her back for the car quickly enough.
Most recently she managed to convince me to "let her" help me buy a home. I resisted for a very long time, as I knew from past experience that it was probably a trap. My father recently died and I think that made my guard fall a little. She said that helping me with the down payment was "what Dad would have wanted" (which is true) and promised me that she would just be helping from the kindness of her heart and nothing else. I thought maybe she had changed and softened in her old age, and that maybe just maybe she had finally started to value me after my father's death. But no. Once I had found a house, paid the booking deposit, and wracked up lawyers and survey bills, she did the classic narc bait and switch. She emailed the lawyer saying she wanted 60% ownership and a stipulation in the contract that because she was helping with the cost, she could throw me out and sell on the house. This was a red flag. I am proud to say that I immediately backed out and I am using this as the final straw. I feel stupid for having almost fell for her tricks again but I am relieved that I managed to get out just in the nick of time.
Your wise, kind and strong videos are an absolute lifeline to those of us trying to navigate narcissistic abuse. Thank you so much for them. I am learning so much and it feels like I have someone in my corner who understands.
This was excellent. One small thing that I’ll add is a tactic narcissists frequently employ - and that’s selective memory. They always seem to remember things (eg. negotiation details) that serve them. Then they always forget things that don’t serve them such as promised payouts, loans, compensation (salary figures or bonuses), etc. Get it in writing and/or avoid doing business with them. I’ve found over time that the latter is better.
This has been on my mind constantly--grateful that you made a new video about it. Narcissists need to keep you small and malleable.
Would watch a hundred videos from you about this topic.
My first husband, if not a full blown narcissist, was very narcissistic and we did have the money dynamic you speak of. We were both military but I got out when we had kids. He had the better career path anyway and I thought it would be the way to be a good family, so I stayed at home with the kids. But he was stingy with the money, got irritated with me for spending (even for simply daily things), but felt he could spend as he chose without even so much as talking to me. Because HE made the money, don't ya know. When we hit the tail end of the marriage he told me "You'll never make it on your own". I said "I will when I get through with you". It was an off-the-cuff remark for me as I don't take advantage of people, HOWEVER, in the military if you're married for a certain amount of time you get part of that person's retirement. So, the court awarded me child support til the kids were of age, and after he retired I got a portion of his retirement. Normally I wouldn't want it, but he made things so miserable I felt justified in taking it. I'm sure he hates it and that makes me smile.
Oh my god! This is the story of my aunt, I remenber when I was a child and she couldn't payme just a bag of chips because his patner never gave her money, and that include money for phone, so she never was abble to call to somebody even if she needed help. Very sad to see how this things happens.
My mom passed away before she got out of this kind of relationship with my father. I got out by the skin of my teeth and literal supernatural intervention. I like to picture what her life would have been like if she had gotten out. I try to appreciate each day I have and live with gratitude that I don't live that way anymore.
My husband's money was his money & my money was his money. I was only a nurse with a purse.
My life in a nutshell...
You just described EVERYTHING I went through. It's been a hard road because I have had to rely on his alimony, which, of course, he doesn't pay. I've finally got to a point where my son and I can survive without relying on him, but I also asked the court to manage his delinquency, which it does, but garnishing wages and ruling him in. If he is between jobs (frequently) then no money come, even when the court intervenes ($300 does not make up for $30,000 of arrears). I solely provide for ny child. He pays for nothing but whatever his insurance cost to cover my child by court order. The IRS is a whole other thing that has taken 5 years to sort out, and he still illegally claims my son, who doesn't live with him. It goes on and on.
Jennifer Williamson,You deserve better 🙏