When You Unmask a Covert Narcissist, RUN, But Quietly! Counterfeit Relationship.
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- čas přidán 14. 06. 2024
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In this video, Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., CADC explains the very complicated and dangerous undertaking of protecting yourself when you uncover/unmask a covert narcissist and the dysfunctional relationship they trick you into. Because of their manipulative nature and the fact that they are often respected and even adored by others, taking them on directly is a big mistake.
ABOUT ROSS
Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., CADC, is Self-Love Recovery Institute’s CEO and primary contributor. His internationally recognized expertise includes pathological narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and attachment trauma. Ross’s “Codependency Cure™ Treatment Program provides innovative and results-oriented treatment. His expert educational and inspirational seminars have earned him international acclaim, including his 23 million CZcams video views and 230K subscribers. In addition to being featured on national TV and radio, his “Human Magnet Syndrome” books sold over 150K copies in 11 languages. Ross also provides expert testimony/witness services.
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Watch my most recent video on Covert Narcissism: ▶czcams.com/video/3-ll2uJALUs/video.html
I’ve never heard “pretending to be codependent”. This is helpful. I’ve been wondering if my wondering whether he’s a covert is a clue. I recently ended the 6 mo relationship, when he turned it around for the second time. Still having some self doubt.
34 years of marriage. Only 5 months into eyes open.
Thank you so much for doing this. It rings true, all these years later.
Hello! I found your channel today. I wonder if I can contact you and ask some questions via E-mail?
I have a feeling wrong people are stalking me,so I will not write something personal from my profile.
But I can tell I have a hurtful suspicion on a person pretty close to me,to be covert narcissist. I am in Scandinavia.
"Disturbing" is an incredibly effective understatement! I was profoundly shocked, and yet it fit like a glove, hearing him being labeled that way, then researching the signs and knowing it was the truth.
it hurts the most when you realize that the person you thought they were doesn't even exist
I agree with that wholeheartedly. You really feel like such a fool.
It has been the worst 5 years of my life trying to convince myself my wife of 25 years never existed.
It's worst when you look up and 20 years is gone and you can't get that back.
My children and grandchildren are what I worry about the most they have had to watch her with numerous pathetic losers over the last few years.
@@zorada755 you might have lost 20years which my heart goes out to you, but look at this way you could still be there now, it's better late than never you are a very strong person to leave as we both know it's never easy, your doing great x
Repeat after me: I'm not the crazy one
Thank you!!! Ha :) I FEEL crazy sometimes being in this situation
I'm not the crazy one.. I'm not the crazy one.. I'm not the crazy one.. I'm not the crazy one.. I'm not the crazy one..
That's what they all say!
@@samuelmmmk181 fuuuuuu ahhahaha 😂😂😂
@Andrew OBrien it might feel like it, but try it. It might feel good.
Think about this for a second anyone that has dealt with a covert narcissist will understand that most people in that situation end up needing the therapy and the help while the covert narcissist just picked up, moves on and continues terrorizing people
Exactly this. I'm the one who's been in therapy for years and years and years.... They just moved on (before we were even broken up) like we never had anything together in our 15 years together.
@@CashNet72 as horrific as the experience was…you walk away with wisdom and also learn a lot about yourself 😉 stay strong
@@CashNet72 I feel you. I have serious trust issues now. I am suspicious of white boomer women, its like a disease in that particular group of people. I actively avoid them and give them no chance to be close to me. The work place is interesting because now I spot them everywhere. Fake eyelashes seems to be a common factor in spotting them out, and for men, their cars and sunglasses. These seem petty, but so far, they have been two factors that are consistently correct.
Exactly! So true. The NPD person I no longer have contact with attended MY therapy sessions and told the therapist what was wrong with me and told her to tell me how wrong and crazy I was..... Needless to say my therapist asked to only see me at our sessions and put me into a NA recovery programme.
A person once said: the best revenge is the good life. While we are busy living our lives and realizing how we have it now way better than when we were with a covert narcissist that anchored himself hard in our empathy taking everything, we thrive and revenge just happens without even trying or thinking about it. It is the law of the Universe. Works everytime.
I figured out that the person who I thought was my best friend of 30 years is a covert narcissist. It absolutely hit me like a brick wall when I started putting the pieces together. I went over the features of NPD found in the DSM with my therapist and I was able to provide examples for each of the 9 points. Best advice is don’t engage with them at all if possible. They have incredibly fragile egos and nothing is more painful to a narcissist than not getting their supply. That’s the best weapon to use against them. Don’t try to argue with them or prove a point because they perceive themselves to be incapable of fault and they will never take responsibility for their actions. While I feel so disappointed in myself for not noticing this sooner, I know now that it’s not my fault. They are experts at manipulation.
I just cut off a friend of 35 years for the same reason. Today was their birthday
I decided to not send a birthday card with gift after they put me on punishment again with the silent treatment. I wanted to make it as awkward as possible so they don't come back. I decided to go no contact.
I’m so sorry. It is so painful and scary to realize this. I just figured this out about my mom also after 30 years.
What things were positive about that friendship and that person? What did you like about that person?
Spot on
Married to one for 27 years
In Russia, there is a saying:
"The more quietly you leave, the further you'll get"
"тише едешь - дальше будешь!"
which means: the slower you go - the further you will be.
Familiar to Abraham Lincoln quote:
“ I might walk slow but i never walk backward “
@@vh-ali_n-teen . Ameen to that.
I love that!
They told me; "you have this image of me, you don't know who I truly am." I replied; "I know exactly what you are, because you are everything you told me you were not, and everything you have accused others to be."
Seeing the truth for what a narcissist really is, is like a reverse mirror-only they try so hard to get ‘you’ to perceive the world through that, in an attempt at making you believe that it’s reality. I admire what you’ve written here. I’m just wondering how bad the blow back was when it came to their reaction, most notably the smear tactics-because, that takes a lot of guts to say to them. Congratulations for standing your ground!!!
You are a genius to eloquently state that. So true.
Yes
Yes "I don't want to hurt you" means exactly "I want to hurt you"
I agree! But that is a dangerous thing to say to a narc. Revenge is their strong game. I recently told mine, that I needed “space” to work on all my shortcomings which he has been making me come to realize”. (I didn’t add that my shortcomings were why the heck I was letting someone treat me like that). I timed it for when he was grooming another source he didn’t think I knew about…Her car was at his place that same night. He’s her problem now or will be shortly.
Im so blessed to be discarded
AMEN!!!
I feel the same way. What was so heart breaking when discarded, was a God giving blessing. It's been 20+ years for me and I never knew life could be so wonderful.
Indeed. It is a blessing ❤
For me though, they just keep coming. My bloodline sucks.
Yes, my insanely incestuous bloodline. They fu**ing suck.
A covert narcissist may respond in a variety of ways when discovered, depending on the particular circumstance and the person. When their behavior is criticized, a covert narcissist may occasionally become aggressive or defensive and reject or abdicate responsibility for their actions. They might try to gaslight the person who exposed them by getting them to doubt their own sense of truth or perspective. Narcissists frequently employ this strategy to keep control of the relationship. In other situations, a covert narcissist could act more violently or aggressively in an effort to retake control or establish dominance. They could try to control or intimidate the person who has exposed them, or they might lash out with abusive language or actions. A covert narcissist may also retreat or isolate themselves if their actual nature is discovered. They might make an effort to separate themselves from the person who exposed them or try to avoid any sort of conflict. Being masters of manipulation, narcissistic people frequently possess a special ability for charm, which allows them to get away with manipulating others. They might be able to beguile people into believing they are not actually narcissists and convince them that they are to blame. The process of exposing a covert narcissist may be extremely taxing and even dangerous, so it’s vital to keep that in mind. It’s crucial to exercise prudence and have a solid support network in place, including friends, family, and a therapist. You can process your experience and develop a strategy for dealing with the circumstance in a secure and healthy manner with the aid of a therapist or counselor. Additionally I hired a private detective Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
But what do you when an entire nation has become narcissistic?
Thanks for the info, im going thru it right now
When a narcissist/ toxic person can't control you anymore, they'll try to control how others see you, the feeling will hurts and not fair, but stay strong, cool, calm and healthy. You will prevail!
That’s what happening to me right now
Exactly
They will torture until they get a reaction. If it’s hooking up with your best friend or sibling, or moving on ultra fast. If you give them a bad reaction, you could even end up with a restraining order, based on mostly lies, or otherwise damaged. DO NOT underestimate how far they will go to protect their image. Do not threaten to expose them, publicly.
I needed to read this. Thank you.
@@AnaLockett my narcissist pulled ye olde 'i have cancer' and 'i have to go live with family' when they got the inklings I was about to pack up and go, as if I'd say "oh noez lemme take care of you you poor dying thing Dx"
Instead, since they acted all sick, I helped them move their bags to their uncle's car and told the uncle "if you guys need any help with chemotherapy for his cancer, let me know!" Lo and behold, the family knew nothing about the cancer. I'm so glad I could be the one to tell them 🙄
They came back that night, and by next morning the room was clean and cleared out and I left before anyone woke.
Once you see them. Really see them, you can't really revert back to what it used to be. That's the kind of heartbreaking yet liberating truth that cannot be hidden anymore . I am free now. And I thank God for every day I no longer dread coming home, that I no longer freeze when I hear those footsteps, no longer have to pretend to sleep, or pretend not to be hurt.
There is nothing worse than dreading coming home. Home - where you are supposed to be able to close out the world and all it's horror - if your own space is unsafe - nothing - nothing is worse. God bless you and congratulations - Home = my sanctuary.
yeah, I actually laughed when I felt that feeling of being free. And it was a long distance relationship. I can only imagine dealing with one irl.
Ok as far as their concerned because they already sized you up as use or benefit themselves. Sociopaths in waiting?
@@dukecity7688 so, so true
Hallelujah!!,,,, I feel EXACTLY the same way !!,,,,,🕊🕊🕊🕊🕊🙏🙏🙏
The most chilling thing I was told by a narcissist that I had briefly dated was “It’s a good thing that you don’t know what I did to my last girlfriend.” That was over three years ago.
He loved to gaslight. One moment he would say that he was a monster , the next moment the blame would be shifted onto me.
It’s astonishing just how much damage he caused in the less than two months I was with him.
You’re not a person to
a narcissist. You’re merely an object to use.
He used superficial charm on me. I knew the red flags but he was good. Really good and also was intelligent. That’s how he got past my radar. He was more subtle.
I made certain to cut off all contact and blocked him on any social media that I use after I stopped seeing him.
I haven’t dated in over three years.
I did give my phone number to a man last summer. My number shows up as unknown so he would not have gotten my last name that way.
I didn’t give my last name, address or any sensitive information. I did not add him onto my social media.
The first text he sent me was full of love bombing. He was even planning our future.
I blocked him. He changed his number and tried to communicate again. I didn’t respond and blocked him once more.
I’d rather be single than be with a narcissist.
Good for you. You are so strong for having this response. I wish I was just as strong before having a child with one. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
@@jadesmith7983 please don’t blame yourself. Nobody wants to imagine that such evil exists even after seeing it it is harder to wrap your mind about it.. we are wired completely different ❤ 🫂
Realizing what I have been dealing with in my marriage for the last 25 years has left me with an overwhelming sadness mourning the person who wasn't there. Tough to take on.
I feel for you! Please dont beat yourself up with something that was not your fault. Now that you know you need to proceed onward away from them. Don't look back.
What are we to do twenty five years of my life have been bullshit fake
34 yrs. I’m crushed. Just crushed.
🥺 it's heartbreaking to realize the person you fell in love with does not exist, they never did
I truly understand and am sorry you even had to experience. I just realized what type I'm married to. Next month makes 9 yrs, and I'm now educating myself and low key on the journey of breaking the trauma bond. Including getting our 3 kids out of this situation without getting more trauma 😢. Staying positive, strong, and trusting my intuition is elevating me to another level of self-healing.
This is my first time speaking publicly about this abuse, other than my small support system. Things got extremely worse after I lost my mom a few months ago, whom was my biggest supporter and defender. God definitely opened my eyes to what I was blind to, the effects on me and my babies. I can't help but naturally be positive and see everything as a learning lesson and things will work for our(me & the littles) good 😊.
Leaving the relationship quickly and quietly and without attempting to defend yourself is the best strategy.
Well said Kristina.
Yes.That is what I did.That is perfect advice.Thank you
That's wonderful for those who can run. They prefer you in a position where you can't run.
@@jenniferfrazier8131 like your head stuck in the sand like an ostrich and they behind you wih a 15 inch probe
It's true. Yet I still had to deal with stalking and threats. False police reports, while I'm a foreigner in Indonesia no less.
She also messaged various friends and family members. She also used fake profiles to monitor new friends or follows on my social media accounts so she would message the new girl I met and tell her I'm a criminal and stuff like that.
You know what I had to do in the end? Unblock her and pretend to be friendly. If I block her all hell breaks loose.
I'm in a bad situation now
Came across this amazing quote that might be helpful: "I'm learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from
things not meant for me."
Good one
I like that....have to implement it in my life....
Re. "loving feet:" I'm not a sexpert _("per se")_ but it sounds to me like you might have a foot fetish ;)
Oh yeah!
✌
I'm now grieving the loss of who I thought my Dad was my whole childhood. This video resonated with my whole being. Man this hurts.
Me too
Hugs
Same here but with my mother. Unbelievable.
Same
😢
Learn to trust what they say they reveal their evil heart very early on. Don't overlook or think they can't that evil. They are.
You have no idea the meaning of Ruthless until you encounter this type of person.
edward michaels ....especially when it is in your OWN family ! Brutal !
The real them, once exposed, can look like your worst enemy you never knew you had, was taking over their body.
The level of cruelty they can fall to is UNREAL
Yeah I felt the same pain - you're not alone and obviously this isn't that rare since they have videos on it.
They usually fear what you know about them and will retreat when it's too risky for them.
To everyone who has faced narcissit.s.
You are an amazing human being.
Stay strong. ❤️✨
Thank u Sarah 🙏🏾🤍
@ vortex Edge do u still stay with her?
@Vortex Edge you can still be there for her while having your own life, your own place and car. You need your own space at night, that’ll help y’all relationship, trust me, I went through the same thing with my mom until I got my own place, and then the relationship took a shift for the better, she started to respect me as an adult, we talk everyday and I see her almost every weekend. For some reason parents feel as tho you’re still a child since u still live with them. You have to create some space so that y’all can come together and get along. Good luck 👍🏽 🤞
Thank you. I needed that encouragement. I shared my story, above. Four months after your comment here.
gratitude for your uplifteing words🥰🥰🥰
When you watch a horror movie about people possed by a demon that is what a narc is. My God help us all to keep strong
Stop being delusional. I think you are the narc.
Your right, Get out with no warning, "RUN" I call them Wolf in sheep's clothing.....
I noticed that they don’t do “closure.” Don’t expect it. You will NEVER get it.
You get closure when they finally leave you or you leave them.
That’s the best closure ever.
100%
Your right they don't do closure and they will NEVER take any accountability for any of their selfish actions, most likely they blame us the victims for the outcome of the failed relationship. And will have no shame or regrets about naming and shaming the innocent victims as being the bad, crazy, selfish person that was behind the demise of the relationship.
Yes! Weirdest thing... I’ve noticed this as well...
I don't care if a narcissist don't want closure. Sever them even if it cost you. Don't fool yourself.
Never try to change them; you will only drive yourself insane.
Marta Bergen That's so true. Its the reason why learning about NPD is the single most empowering thing you can do. It creates overwhelming impetus to get the hell out of there.
@@firstyearseminarveganisman3664 Yes its amazing
I tried to change one initially, found it wouldn't work regardless of what you try, so instead I exposed them because they were seriously uneducated and terrible at hiding it from anyone smarter than themselves, now I consider them dead to me, they messaged me today and I didn't even read it, just blocked them immediately, dead people can't effect you with words, because dead people don't speak.
@@rymanshroomzorz that sums them up so perfectly! My narcissistic ex wife came from a family that never mixed outside of their own family and were completely intellectually isolated. No education. No books in their houses. And yet they thought they were so smart, but every thought was vacuous and the product of extreme cognitive dissonance. For example, her dad would say that if everyone is religious, there are no wars. 🙄
Only a narcissist would believe they can change someone.
For me, the covert narcissist comes across as a people pleaser. They like to be in the spotlight to get the validation that they crave for, as other narcissists but at the same time, they pretend to be humble, simple, generous, over giving. The covert narcissist will take time to build a relationship/friendship with you. During this period, they will show their admiration and their devotion by helping you with everything that is you need. They will try to convince you that you are soulmates and that they understand you deeply. At the same time, you will see them being overly altruistic, maybe helping society by engaging in charities, activism. They feed the poor, take care of the homeless. All this makes you think how lucky you are for having met such a beautiful soul. You want to be by their side for ever. However, soon you notice how much they enjoy being invited in galas to talk about their achievements. But they don’t admit that. They still play the humble guy who doesn’t want all this. Who is beyond money, beyond fame and recognition, who wants to share the floor with other people. But their acts don’t match their words. You come to realise that this selfless soul is actually doing whatever it takes to be in the centre of attention. When you do something together be it at work or at home, they want to control everything about it. They just exerce their control in a more polite and implicit way, making you believe that your voice was heard whereas in reality you did what they wanted you to do. Covert narcissists have a smooth way of leading you on. They don’t shout, they don’t give orders. They are master actors. They convince you that you are together in this. What makes them a narcissist is that when the time comes for them to use you in order to draw certain benefits, they will do it without a second thought and you are not going to believe in your eyes. And when you stand up for yourself and raise your voice against them calling them for their phony identity, then you will see their rage for the first time and the mask will fall. Covert narcissists manipulate less with rage/exhibiting superiority and more with people pleasing behaviour/playing the eternal victim. They are not aggressive as overt narcissists. They are more cunning. What they both have in common is self-centered ness and lack of empathy. In the case of coverts, it will take you longer to find out.They knew what they wanted to get out of you from the beginning. They created a whole theatre play to fool you about who they are and their true motives. You will trust them with all your heart but when the time comes for them to prove their loyalty by choosing your bond over their personal gain, they will choose the latter with no remorse, without even taking any responsibility. Unlike the overt narcissist, they will have an eloquent excuse for doing so, rationalizing why they had to f@ck you over. They will pretend to be sorry about it because this is something that matches the image of modesty that they want to project but in reality they are not sorry at all. You will see them partying with your own money when they said they didn’t have enough to pay you back. You will see them being unfair and untrustworthy to other people as well. When the mask of the victim will fall, you will see the cruel smile of a perpetrator who managed to get what they want without deserving it. If you decide to unmask them run for your life. Additionally, The unwavering support and dedication demonstrated by Metaspyhub@gmail. com have been pivotal in my journey to uncover the painful truth surrounding my partner's infidelity. From the moment I first reached out to them, their professionalism and unwavering commitment to assisting me in finding the answers I desperately sought were readily apparent and highly commendable. Through their swift action and meticulous investigation, They presented me with compelling evidence that left no room for doubt. Armed with this newfound knowledge, I confronted my cheating partner with newfound courage, reclaiming my self-worth and paving the way for a future filled with renewed hope. Throughout this emotionally challenging process, Metaspyhub's expertise and unwavering support served as a constant source of strength, offering invaluable guidance and empathetic understanding when I needed it the most. I am profoundly grateful for their unwavering assistance, as it has empowered me to move forward with unwavering determination and newfound resilience.
I wish I could copy and paste your comment..
can i chat with you on this if its okay for you? i really need help on deciding whether my partner really is a narcissist or im just making it up...
Thank you for sharing..I learned the hard way (life) and second all what was said in the video and your comment..where were you 4 years ago🤔😉?
🙏🌻
You got me in the first half of your comment now I think you might be a bot posting an ad 🤨
@
Another bot
the truth is in their actions not their words
He hid his actions so well. Went to great lengths to be deceptive. Looking back I should have known. I saw red flags but never imagined he was what I came to realize. When I’d ask about things he’d turn it back on me…”you’re crazy!”, “it’s. All. In. Your. Head!”, “you’re always interrogating me!”
And their words are cruel
Don’t unmask ANY narcissist. Stop providing supply and get away. It’s the only way to deal with them.
True
Very true.
They are dangerous unstable beasts. It's difficult to believe how satanic they can become. I ran 400 miles away.
Yeah,because it's that simple huh?. These self help videos leave alot of nuance out of them. The shit isn't that easy.
@@Hugh.702 I understand that too
Hard to run from them when they are most doctors, policemen, politicians, bosses, and celebrities!
"Narcissist thrive and survive on our bad self esteem" -- truth.
O
Ouch.
Yep, because they feel bad inside and blame the world. And they cannot stand it being alone with feeling bad.
Yes, true. Thats why its so important to be no contact so we can then work on ourselves. Build ourselves outside of the abuse.
Damn that burns
It hurts the most when you realize you don't know that person at all. To know, your entire relationship was a lie. The covert in my life is 17 years old n started a smear campaign against his own father. I'm shocked n destroyed. Hearing the lies myself, details including smaller lies about me, broke me. He is so convincing. If I wasn't there to see with my own eyes, I would have believed his lies, too. Going no contact with a 17 year old hurts so bad. You feel you should be there to support the child, but the child is long gone anyway. He truly is a mastermind and I am literally afraid of him.
And your qualifications to diagnose him as a Narcissist are "your own eyes". I didn't realise how easy it is to become a certified psychoanalyst. Maybe the person does suffer NPD or some other personality disorder but don't try and make the world believe you and feel sorry for you without concrete proof. For all we know you're cuckoo. Surely a good manipulation and deflection tactic would be a narcissist calling somebody else a narcissist if things aren't conforming to their expectations. Maybe you're both narcissists, maybe we all are.
My own adult daughter is a narcissist. She inherited the traits from her father. I consider her a victim, but I still had to remove her from my life, because she’s dangerous and hell bent on destroying me to please her narc father who groomed her to hate me. It’s been almost a year now and I grieve every day. But it was necessary.
Children cannot be narcissists. That's a clinical fact. It's actually 100% normal for children and teens to have more narcissistic traits than healthy adults, and they usually grow out if it. You can only be considered to have a personality disorder after your brain has fully matured, which is around 25 years old.
I saw my covert narc ex’s eyes glow a yellow gold color when I was able to stay on topic in an argument/ discussion. It scared the 🤬 out of me. I changed the topic and backed away. His eyes slowly changed back to normal. You are spot on!
probably a reptile
Oh that’s weird! I saw a family member’s eyes go completely black on two occasions. It was very creepy but I realized she has an evil spirit. I have finally let go… praise God!
Gosh, people do have evil spirits inside of them. Some pastors have weird eyes, even some rock stars (poking out their tongues yuk)
I know that look, very scary 😨
I have been there and honestly scared for my life when it happens. I know a switch has been flipped, and I try desperately to calm him back down. The rage that is behind those eyes and energy I feel from it is terrifying.
Never confront a narcissist regardless of how much you are attempted to do so. You will not win. You can reason with them for hours and get nowhere!
1000000%
Exactly!! Plus, you're giving them attention/supply. It's a total waste of time
what if your also a narcissist then it's a battle of wills
@@noo343 Narcissists can't stand other narcissists. They repel each other!
TRUE TRUE TRUE!
They make people who genuinely wish to do good, Look bad.
Yep
That is their goal.
Yes they bring out the worst in you
Exactly what they do. The bible says not to let your good be evil spoken of. The Narrssacist person does just that
And somehow, everyone believes them!
My mother has covert narcissism and it’s extremely difficult for me. I have slowly become strong enough to handle it, but being with her always leaves me feeling quite sad.
I left as soon I saw it. It took decades to to notice because I was making excuses.
Me too why does it make us feel so sad 😢 are we feeling their pain or the pain they've done to us or both?
People throw around the term narcissist so much that I’ve tended to ignore it, after watching this video it’s like the scales have fallen off my eyes and I realize I’ve been married to one for 30 years!!! I’m getting out!!!
There are too many narcs out there!
They are dangerous.
Very sick!
They are evil
Be careful friend.
It's absolutely sad how we have to walk on egg shells around narcissists. They need to be confronted like any person, but we fear them. They're essentially unchecked bullies.
I called my ex-narcissist out on everything once I caught on to her raging, bully ways. They can't handle someone that sees right through them. So they run.
Crazy Diamond no .. all of us don’t fear them .. some of us just don’t recognize them soon enough .. fear no man/woman .. especially one intent on harming you ..
Theyre not all the same... Some get really violent when confronted and the discussion gets heated... Its too draining sometimes to always call them out. Awesome that some have the power to do so anyway. I am about to walk out on my narc, but calling him out costs me so much of myself because of the argument in turns into, i just have to detach on all levels
@OnGoWinner I bet he didn't take it well...
Not afraid!!
What often fooled me is how child-like narcissists often are (like Tony Soprano). They lured me in with wide eyes, toothy smiles & what seemed like childish innocence. Basically because they're toddlers that never emotionally matured past the "Me, Mine!!" stage, but with adult intelligence.
Exactly
Seems story of my girlfriend..I was crazily madly in love of her innocence childlike look
It is exactly how a covert narcissist do.. Exactly as what happend to me 👌
You just described my mother-in-law. That vacant, fatuous smile fooled almost everyone, even people that she greatly harmed.
🎯
My mother...
I grey rocked her. After 2 years, she came by to see the kids. She openly accused my of something very heavy. For the first time ever, thanks to my counselors advise, I had proof not only was the accusation false but was in fact something SHE was doing. Oh boy.... she did NOT like that. She crossed some new lines, but this time in front of my family. (I have an open floor plan. I don't think she realized that until later bx she started playing victim and trying to love up on my kids. But they were very stand office st that point.
Well... looking back,maybe it wasn't the best idea to call her out luke that with my proof and confront her with the truth bc she came by for a brief moment about 3 months later (always with my dad). I had a while new furniture set and completely changed my theme and was feeling good about it. I was sharing it with my dad, who was proud of me. She didn't utter a word. She didn't even make eye contact until she was stepping over the threshold to leave. She gave me this side eye that really threw me off. I felt it in my bones. Like shit!
About a month later CPS shows up....
I could say what I should've done differently, but you know what... I am not responsible for her or her behavior. But I am responsible for my own, and I have chosen to no longer allow her access to my family.
Good on you. Narcs will "recruit" from the inside and they are good at it.
What a selfish immature woman. You've done the best you can by outgrowing her. Good on you!
I’m so sorry your mother has this personality disorder. It’s very wise to keep your children away from her. Don’t play any games with her. Don’t seek revenge. You’ll never win because their low is way lower than you can even imagine.
Glad she didn't succeed. ❤ if they get sole custody and smirk in court it's a special kind of hell. 😢
This is spot on. Covert narcissists are VERY passive aggressive. This may be too woo-woo for this channel, but I'm going to throw this out there anyway for anyone who may need to hear this: I discovered over the years that there are also a big number of covert narcissists who lash out psychically/energetically. Literally sending "bad vibes" at people. Obviously, this is incredibly stealth, hard to pinpoint and impossible to prove. Yet for those folks more sensitive to energy, this kind of lashing out can really throw you off and can have far reaching implications, affecting how you feel and function long-term. It boils down to someone looking and behaving very polite and nice, but meanwhile throwing fireballs at you under the radar. I also tried confronting people who do this about it in the past and 95% of the time that does not go well. So now, I no longer do that and just bow out instead. No surprise, many of those fireball throwing covert narcs self-identify as empaths, sigh.
I have experienced this, more than once.
Yes agree x
Perfectly summerized, I felt it too
"They can't get what they want, if the world knows who they really are."
mind blown
That's the secret
I just don't understand why they have to make life so difficult for themselves and other people. The best thing I learned from this video though, it's just to quietly walk away. Because they're baking on two reactions, either one where you bury your head in the sand and they can call you a wimp basically behinds your back or whatever... Or the usual DARVO that is part of their toolkit: where you blow up finally after holding back and are now magically painted as the bad guy.
I say quietly walk away nowadays. (Not to say I don't give a sarcastic mocking last shot at them calmly as I did this..)
If need be, take the so-called "L" and go NO CONTACT. This is where JADE comes in so handy. (THEY LOVE IT WHEN YOU'RE SQUIRMING AND DEFENDING YOURSELF.)
Pardon the tangent I went on because I wasn't really speaking to you beyond the first part of my reply as if you don't know these things, but reinforcing it for myself and for others.
Back to your original point, my mind was blown too when I read that point. It made me kind of step outside of the situation and see that Dr Ross was absolutely correct in this hard truth to see for many. (Because it's always obscured under some argument to distract from people who are kitchen-sinking their victims)
This should be common sense
is there a hidden meaning in this I can't see???
@@scotti23q81 no hidden meaning but i'll try my best to elaborate
if the world sees how much of a vile human being a narcissist is, the world wouldn't tolerate their behavior.
they're basically fakes, doing it for fake-virtue.
They want control. Once you stop giving them attention and ignore their lies, you will heal. 💜
I'm a living witness! You've got to go no contact for healing to began!
Not always . They smear more than likely
There's a term "grey rock" Become like a very rock. Non responsive and boring. They will go away and leave you alone.
This is scarily accurate, and )un)fortunately true. The passive aggressive, set you up to seem like you're the bad guy. They really are truly insidious people. Thank you for this Ross
Its a truly horrifying experience. To look for the soul of a person and see that there is nothing there
"they don't do anything direct". You may never catch them in the act, but you only need one slip up... and you will see who they are behind your back. I saw it. I was stunned.
Same. They live a life behind your back either saying how wonderful you are as bait to find another side partner, another, or how terrible you are, every lie from drug addiction to alcoholism to affairs, all the stuff they were... to their contacts...I think that's the most shocking. I left , moved 1000km away.
@@tff8514 I wish you the best. Yes, they project everything they are doing and blame you for those things. For a long while you are shocked and confused and wonder where the hell this is coming from. I wish I could tell everyone - they are talking about themselves, not you!!! They don't even know you. Remember that.
I was truly shock. My Son turned 57 may 23, I have stood in his corner , it has costed melots of money, pain, and sickness. As of the day, I dont ever want to see him again., but he will return with girts etc, but can't fol me ever.
@@matilda4406 It's amazing. They're sooooo good at gaslighting and turning things on you. The covert narcissist is truly brilliant. I can't say dangerous in my case; I'm a big guy. So was never worried about that. But that didn't stop the mental and emotional torture.
@@clovers-zi5fe I was never in physical danger either... but did your ex also physically abuse you and the only reason nothing came of it is that she wasn't any good at it? But they'll make you feel like you're crazy, purposely 'mis-remember' everything... you need to keep every email or they'll change it on you. How many co-workers did she get fired or enrage so badly that they quit? How many friends or family did she ghost because "they" were "toxic"? She was awesome to anyone she wanted to validate her right? How many times did she fake apologize for minor mistakes, seemingly having low self esteem, because she thinks she's too smart to make ANY mistakes? Am I warm?
As soon as I feel, someone starts to manupulate me and gaslight me, I simply turn around and go.
@@the-Tails-the-fox Interesting… I truly want to say my soon to be ex-husband was doing a lot more than gaming on discord.
How dare I say that tho
We learned the hard way the first time didn't we? But a lesson well learned.
Bro they need you're help like force them little by little to be your bf because they want you to do something that they can agree with it like ik they are stubborn no hate but let them to be you're friend in force not tell them you're bad little by little the will no they are wrong trust me because I was like them I keep thinking about the past and I am heart broken but that's how I am born and I am gonna change little by little I am gonna be a normal person. I keep thinking about myself why do I always find myself I am the best no one deserves to be like me like I said like we are all humans and they deserve to also be better than me and sometimes I am better it depends who takes and works hard and smart takes the good piece at the end we are all humans try you're best to be with them as much as you can because they will find you right..
@@Steven-ii2ep
How old are you ??
@@Steven-ii2ep how about Nah ?
I love talking to narcissists, i love defrauding them and humiliating them and making them look terrible. Narcississists run from me but im a dark empath too.
You sound more like a narcissist, who enjoys humiliating and demeaning others. Narcissists are usually victims of childhood trauma with very strong defences and maladaptive coping mechanisms. Fine if you don't have strong enough boundaries to be around them and need to distance yourself, but getting enjoyment out of hurting others does not make you an empath... more like a vulnerable narcissist.
Yo. That’s cool af. I’m tryna be a Dark Empath and go narcissist hunting myself lol
Nah. It's stupid. Just leave because it's a waste of time.
Lol. Gi get them
The devil is the great Deceiver; the narcissist is demonic; resist the devil and he will flee from you (the Bible); resist the Narcissist and he will flee from you. Get the hell out of there, you are dealing with evil - period.
After I found out who they were I made the mistake of calling them a narcissist to their face. It ended in narcissistic RAGE and violence! The best advice is to leave VERY VERY quietly! They actually are some of the most dangerous and evil people alive!😡
Theirs so many different types of narcissist. The malignant narcissist is the most dangerous. They can change into different types of narcissist within minutes. A grandiose narcissist can become malignant in a second. The vulnerable narcissist always feels like the victim and has extremely low self esteem. The vulnerable narcissist is probably the least dangerous. I dealt with two different types of narcs.
My separated husband is a narcissist!
Me and kids had to sneak out and drive away..after telling him we need to separate and divorce because he was making it hard to take care of my small kids..
To some of them that I know that can be very very vindictive and are crazy and dangerous I act like I don't know that they are Narcissist.
@@debramarshall4293 They are very vindictive and always find ways to smear your name. My ex wrote some very faults allegations to the court while I was filling a divorce. I waited for a date to come available for the final decree. He was going to be told to pay child support. That week he came up with a good scam to beg me to work it out. I wasted 3 more years. Nothing was changing. It got worse each day. The dying pain inside of me was taking me to a dark place. He was killing me slowly by the neglect, abandonment, cruel words, and no love by treating me like a roommate. I was depressed. Yes, they are dangerous. He called the social worker on me. I will never take him back. The pain it gone. I took my power back. Leave them. The best decision.
I planned it out for months. Once he went to work, I pulled the uhaul I had parked down the street up to the door and for 4 hours, we packed all our stuff. I was shaking the entire time but when we pulled away the sun was starting to set and their was a huge flag blowing and the song on the radio was Tom petty won’t back down. I’ll never forget for as long as I live. The absolute best day of my life. It’s been 5years and her still sends emails and try’s to get family and friends to talk to Him through Facebook. I literally drove across the country to get as far away as possible but don’t think he’ll ever stop. They are the scariest people on earth!
Good you escaped . Congratulations!💫✨💖Wishing you all the best and lots if love 💕 from Sweden ❤️☀️🌟👵🏻
Well done! Give yourself a treat!👍😘
@@sarahosman4933 I did! Freedom! 😉
Well done! Glad you got out and everyone knows not to get tangled up with his lies. It's over.
Full stop.
My exact experience
No matter how they ask, DON’T GO BACK! If their ego enjoyed hurting you the 1st time it will love hurting you a second time and on and on.
I had to sell my house because the narcissist that moved in with me refused to leave. I could not just leave. It was my house. I asked them to leave a million times
Currently going through this too!
I have never questioned my reality so much as in this kind of relationship
Did it seem like you were in a Twilight Zone episode almost daily? That's how I described it. Sometimes frightening, sometimes near comical. But always other worldly.
Omg me too. It's frigging mindbending...... "THANK GOD.... it only happens IN THE TWIGHLIGHT ZONE."
@@brianlane9534 - yes! That and "What'd I do?"
Intermittent negative reinforcement
I feel you. I was constantly doubting myself, my past actions, my thoughts... never I have felt more out of place and confused than in those years, especially the final weeks when I finally realized everything and severed all contact (which was responded with extremely hurtful public vengeances, of course).
Arguing with a narcissist is the biggest waste of time and energy that exists. Simply don't engage with them. Just nod with every bizarre thing that comes out of their mouth. To engage means to endure an angry diatribe and ludicrous gaslighting. Living with a narcissist is to exist in an alternate reality.
so true
Cheryl Hughes ,isn't that the truth!.Amen.
No contact is also plain ole not entertaining the narcs insane,slandering,blame shifting,hissy fit throwing,accountability absent,inconsistent,contradicting lying manipulating garbage.
Period.
Literally,I have over 2 years worth of text and emails of the most insane contradictory nonsense that would prove in the dumbest kangaroo court my wife is emotionally unstable and habitually dishonest and manipulative.
This woman is crazy as a bat.
Unbelievable one can be so delusional they can't remember thge lie that just came out of their mouth and contradict it with 5 more different versions to follow.I think more often than not,their juyst desperate.
I rightly accused-POINTED OUT to mine very early "when she gets mad or nervous,anything is lible to fly out of her mouth".
The reason they whine and throw fits over simple accusations is the ego tripping factor coupled with the grandiose-superior nose stuck up-mentality they have,not limited too.
They HATE to be called out on ANYTHING.
Accusations,accusations,blah blah blah is all they ever retort.Make simple observations on their chronic innapropriate or disrespectful behaviours and verbalize them in the most ginger way you can muster and they blow up with an immediate blame shifting,sympathy party slander campaign.
Stop acting so dumb and disrespecting me for GOD'S sakes.
Can you put two sentences together that don't contradict each other?! Lol!.
I mean..come onnnnnnn lol.
It goes back to the fragile puffed up ego they have.They hate to be found out for the counter poroductive-lying fake idiots they are.
Plus,they got everyone on facebook thinking their all that and poor husband or wife that lives behinds closed doors with them knows ain't NOTHING sincere about them.
Ok.Yall have a good night.Godbless those sleeping with the enemy tonight.I pray the LORD will keep you safe.
Cheryl Hughes You are absolutely correct! It took me 20 yrs to realize my husb was a covert narcissist with textbook passive aggressive ways! I was naive in thinking that if I calmly discussed the characteristics of passive aggressive covert narcissism, he would be concerned and WANT to seek psychotherapy to work through it. Wasn't his wife and kids worth it? My kids and I have talked to him together and separately and tell "when you do/say _______ to me, it makes me feel ______! But we learned the hard, painful way that he had no compassion for us. So, we don't argue him anymore, nor do we expect anything from him. I haven't seen or heard my husb hug our kids or tell them "I love you" or show any signs of parental love to them in 5 yrs or more.
The truest shit. People think it's a game like chess and they can learn it and win. You can't win a game against someone who isn't playing one. It is a lifestyle.
cheryl pretty much said what I need to do. Thank you
A serial killer is always a covert narcissist, not all narcissist are cereal killers.....Prayers up for the victims, stand strong dear ones 🙏🌹⚓
And I pray to Jesus who is stronger than the demon
This chap is so on point when he says “self love/nurture”. You are going to have to spend some tough times alone, going deep within to work out how you got to be in this situation.
When you start to come out the other side, you will feel reborn again. I read online somewhere that, there is a massive paradigm shift happening regarding narcissists and their behaviour(s). Like children who run and hide if they have done something naughty: the narcissists are looking for the rocks they crawled out from.
Gut instinct told me to record nearly 10 hours of zoom with my “therapist”. She dismissed, gaslighted and at times said some sick, cruel things. All wrapped in generic “helpful” therapy. Parts of the videos, her eyes go big and black and she can’t sit still! She was working from home, btw. I suppose that I have some ‘whole object relations’? because it makes for quite sad viewing, and I feel sorry for her. I am genuinely 50/50 whether to give the material to the nhs.
The destruction caused by my ex could have erupted a dozen volcanoes! My (couldn’t sit still therapist) kept saying “could you have imagined it because of your mental illness” - and “maybe you were seeing things that wasn’t there” even though I journaled stuff. The big black eyes from both my ex and ex-therapist are the giveaways. Just wow! Hard to imagine these things are crawling the earth. Sadly they are, but when you do the inner work you will repel them and spot them a mile away. All the best.
Please consider reporting the therapist you say you have evidence on, She's hurting others, Save them from her. She's getting paid for it, Getting paid to get narcissistic supply and hurt others. Report her period
“They can’t get what they want if the world knows who they really are.”
This sums it up perfectly
Amen to that. Their time is near, we are in the Aquarius Age where all darkness will come to light . The more we know the less their power .
Exactly...💯💯🎯
Every one on his s job the narc im married to but saperated from the narc. They now know the truth of what he is now. They have nothing to do with him now. There staying distance from him.
I have met and still know people who have made it their respective life's mission to prove this statement wrong.
They love to gaslight with little things so if you react you're the one causing problem.
This is what he always does to me and finally I'm free from that toxic relationship
100% accurate and horrible
@@cherryanncanencia100 I wish you continued healing and peace.
Getting angry when he explcitly Set boundaries he's telling me he didn't know THAT'S what I was talking about or is saying this will never happen again. Doing almost the same half a year later he absolutely doesn't remember last time or attacks me as petty and unfirgiving for bringing it up. Admitting he just wanna do whatever the fuck he wants if necessary behind my back would make me end the relationship. Accepting he's been playing These double games whenever his needs collided with my boundaries is hard work. I got this. So do you.
So right, I found my exit plan and walked away quietly from the covert narc. Blocked and no contact. 😊
Had no idea what I had gotten into. By the time I really allowed myself to trust my instincts I had 2 kids with this person. Needles to say it’s been an all out war I wasn’t prepared for. Thanks for the tips here all 💯 facts here. Never again. Y’all stay safe!
They never confront you directly; they antagonize you in order to make you react -defend yourself, then they can accuse you. Usually in front of others.
💯
My mum's husband does that he was stood at the door way and I asked him politely could he move so I can get past.
He looked at me remained there and acted as if he couldn't hear twice more I asked, so I barged past him.
He tutted and I kept quiet. Sometimes I have argued with him and my mum would take his side, he would twist it.
I try to keep a distance.
They hate when you don't FIGHT back!! I ignored him it made him 😤😤😤 he was very passive aggressive flaunting girls in my face, popping up at my job. sitting in the parking lot, waiting in my neighborhood, riding pass my friends house when he new I was there, I just ignored him. I never once confronted him about any of his behavior. I refuse to give him that energy. When I stop talking to him is when he started to do all the above thing's.
@Narrow gate Spot on! Straight up Satan.
Yep. They try to undo you mentally and undress you publicly. No contact is the best policy
It’s really difficult to wrap our heads around the fact that a person could be this sadistic on purpose.
That's what I always thought. I used to say, "how could someone go through life, act like that, and not care."
@@iniubongnkanga9390 bless u
we're only sadistic to people who went out of their way to cause damage.
it's not on purpose. please inform yourself on the origins of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
That part right there on purpose!
My personal experience: once the mask came down I was in complete shock. I bought into it all and never had a clue. It was a hard lesson to learn but one thing is for sure: I learned my lesson very well. Never again
I just left my bi-polar, alcoholic narcissist wife 60 days ago, and I've been much happier.
First 72 hours of no contact were rough, but necessary.
Taking care of yourself is not "selfish," you need to heal emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.
Just reading your comment now from 7 months ago. I do hope you're enjoying the freedom you deserve. You were very brave to leave ......
The mere fact that you exist and are not in constant 24/7 pain is very offensive to them.
Yes, I've had the misfortune of meeting narcissist. I noticed they are NOT really happy people, and they resent others being happy and/or more self assured.
Agree Even if you sleep good at night is so infuriating for them
😂👍🏻
How to safely help a narcissist?
@@keithlightminder3005 No.
Advice he provides:
1. Don't be so hard on yourself. They can't let the world know who they are. They thrive on your insecurity and bad self esteem.
2. Calm down. They will try to make you look bad, berate you. Don't call them out publicly.
3. Design an exit strategy without a confrontation. You are not going to win against such manipulation.
4. Create a boundary, a wall. Protect yourself. They will fight to keep their facade.
5. Passive Aggressive behavior will follow. Expect it. Retaliation will be manipulative and possibly / probably hidden.
6. This is dangerous. Don't under-estimate it at all.
In sum: Do not take them on directly. Their whole life story is manipulation. Cut your losses. Get the hell out of the relationship. Dont wrestle with pigs.
Nurture yourself and then re-connect to others.
THANK YOU SIR FOR DOING THAT !!!! SAVE ME TIME AND ABLE TO REFRESH / REVIEW W / O HAVING TO GO BACK THROUGH VIDEO
THIS deserves a
Great, strong & veeerrrry true advice. Ty.
@MissUnderstood i was married for 5 weeks to one. i ran
No
they are unbelievable dangerous! They may still come back on you even decades later. Silently sneeking out the backdoor and run is the only way to stay (comparatively) unharmed.
This is my piece of advice. There is no other way to survive. Period.
Oh how I wish I would’ve found this video 3 weeks ago. I confronted my ex, called him out. Less than a week later he verbally abusively discarded me and made me feel like the bad guy. I’ve been blaming myself and saying I’ve been so stupid for falling for his devious ways, that I should’ve seen him for what he was. You’ve made me feel much better about myself. Thank you.
What makes dealing with covert narcissists even more challenging is when they are relatives within your own immediate family and have successfully drafted other family members into fighting their battles FOR them.
It happened in my family but thank God they finally saw through her....Although I have to admit...I kept on pounding the pavement....and spoke out against her non-stop!
The worst. But once you realize it, cut them off.
My father is a covert narcissist and one of his maneuvers was to show nastiness and agression toward me about something that he resented me for (like being a nurse who could effectively advocate for my mom after her cancer diagnosis while he has no medical background) and then emailing my aunt about how much he appreciates my help in that area. That way, if I told her how awful he'd treated me, she wouldn't believe me. I would sound crazy. Luckily, I had shared details with her beforehand and she saw through it. I was lucky that she told me about the email and that she believed me. It gave me insight as to how he operates.
They recruit flying monkeys.
Some people don't want to see the truth. I had to go no contact with my entire family and most "friends" to find peace and safety - I deleted my social media accounts, cancelled my phones, left my job, and moved to an undisclosed location. I pray one day they can free themselves from my mother's sadistic manipulation and control, but she plays the perfect victim and she is very cunning. I watched her destroy many people in my childhood and no one was the wiser. If your family believes lies about you based on nothing but one person's story, they don't deserve you Louis. It's hard saying good bye - but God is good. He will bring you something better. I am living proof. Peace be with you.
Imagine how many narcissists who think they’re the victim are watching this
Oh but of course
for instance, you.
@@offlinecommando5839 do you know them personally? If not, why say something like that?
No narcissists would never watch such a thing
Actually, some narcs I've known were so bloody self-deluded they would most definitely believe they were the 'innocent' in this scenario. That's just how egotistical they are sometimes.
It really does make you feel stupid when you’ve been married 30 yrs to a covert narcissist. I had no idea that this was all an illusion.
Your never stupid!
My mother was also married to a Narc longer than you and she slept most of her ray years in a spare room.
My Narc father never cared for his two daughters he made us feel irrelevant and dotted on our mother she was a spitfire and he was afraid of her.
He was emotionally and financially abusive but never did he physically hurt her as he knew he'll go down for it and that would be bring shame on him.
It's been 15 years since my father told me he never wants to have anything to do with me and I'm glad as he always used me as a scapegoat to allievate his own miserable childhood pain and I always thought that I was to blame for the arguments between my parents as he always told me that since I was born I created misery for him but it not as I realised at the age of 54 years since learning about narcissism and meeting covert narc.
We can never be the blame of how other people mistreat the good as they have a agenda that stems crom their evil narc mothers who use and abuse their children to meet their needs while the husband is off with his whores. The mother is full of rage and takes it out on her kids and manipulates and beats them to exert control and power as to why kids grow up learning how to cope by manipulating others for temp relief as they are unable to permanently form healthy relationships as their caregivers neglected them.
It's a sad 😔 situation as everyone gets hurt by it.
The narcs always win. They are passive aggressive , get believed. When we ditch the narc, you will probably lose some friends. Be prepared to start a new life, one in which you design and protect yourself.
Wrong. They never win. Use your brain 🤔
They're like tornados, everywhere they touch down they cause damage and then they're off to another
seagull managers, come in squawk a lot, shit on everyone and everything, then on to the next place...
Yep that about sums it up!
C.Ns are more like vampires.
And the onlookers from the outside think it is beautiful.
@Leuretti Totally agree with you there. Then they drain the happiness and energy from those who see beyond their mask. It's hard to breathe around these people.
You nailed it. I slipped out the back, Jack. Blocked him on all fronts. Changed my number. Went no contact. Did not argue. Just left with one sentence, “I see no empathy in you,” and left it at that. I’m enjoying my peace, safety and freedom.
Thanks for sharing Carolyn. Powerful!
Awesome!
That’s a significant other.....
What if it were your own daughter...?
Your behavior seems pretty personality disordered aswell, to just cut someone off like that.
@@orion9k : who are you writing that at?
I’m a covert narcissist. I’m a kind gentle person. I watched my father beat my mother and us into the ground. I’ve been trying to get help for my mental problems for 20 years. I know I’m a good person. So thanks.
I guess ownership is the first step, so I'm glad that you see and are trying to get help
I think I have remnants of covert narcissism because my mum is one and as I grew up I didn't know any other way. I'm very conscious of it. Her narcissism was revealed to me around 10 years ago and what a relief that was! I'd always known she was odd, different, could never put my finger on it.
These days when I'm in company I go out of my way to keep my ego aside by not talking about myself. I do everything I can to not take centre stage and if I help my grown up children, I try to do it with love and not to make an impression. I try to be truthful and I'm able to feel sorrow, take responsibility and voice it whenever I mess up.
But none of this comes easily to me. I've never properly fitted in socially, I can't joke or banter. I have to fight making something up to impress a new friend and I have jealousies which bubble up. I'm lucky to be very loved by my family but I worry that I'm not genuine.
Recently I compare myself to my beautiful granddaughter whose spirit is the purist thing you could ever know -- she doesn't have a single bad thought in her head. She is therefore delightfully the opposite to me.
My mother is 96 and eaten away inside with her complaints of loneliness and anger. Difficult to manage. I do everything possible to be unlike her. . . .sorry for banging on !
It’s really good, so good to hear your story. Thanks.
I've watched literally dozens of videos on covert narcissism. But listening to you speak really hit home. I am recovering from covert narcissistic abuse from a crazy woman who is the classic example of a covert narcissist. Your video brought tears.....it's been 3 months so it's still fresh. But it has been the most painful experience of my life. I take a day at a time and hope one day i will be pain free. Thank you helping people like me with videos like this.
That is so true; when you set boundaries, they do crazy, drastic things to try to ruin your life.
Yup. Once I began setting boundaries, my ex doubled down on the manipulation and gaslighting, and smeared me to her friends, effectively triangulating me with them.
I can see clearly now that that fog is clearing, and man.... it's wild how extensive and how long the manipulation and gaslighting went on for. Literally since the start of our relationship.
How do you convince someone who has been in this kind of relationship to not go back to him ?
@@eef1690if you know exactly what's going on? Then collect some evidence to show their true face and if you're living with the victim then it'll be quite easier.
You'll need to convince them with the FACTS which they can't deny and UNCOVER the gaslighting done by narcissists and when they finally understand, don't EVER forget to tell them what to do NEXT TOGETHER (so they don't assume that you're manipulating them too) and console them for what they're going through.
DO NOT SHOW NARCISSISTS THAT THEY ARE BEING CAUGHT!
At last, try to get out of that situation ASAP!
I RECOMMEND YOU TO LISTEN TO "Dr. Ramani" channel as well.
Exactly
@ 2:34
"If you are a victim of a covert Narcissist, please don't be so hard on yourself!"
*You're not a fool, they are liars!
Expose the narcissist for who they really are , leave them as soon as your able to, and make sure you have no sympathy and have no mercy on the narcissist whatsoever.
Done.
Thank you this was really good. I am recovering from this abuse and will not allow this weird behavior back into my life. It was killing me.
No contact. No contact. No contact. If possible. Be strong.
NO contact,NOT and comprimise with a narc..They will NEVER change!
he contact me gave me msg for more than 100 msgs without my reply he gone unsane . yes i agree no contact ... to make sure that he really abnormal moron
It’s what I did. It was hard but she eventually got the hint.
But how to give it back one last time before cutting off but when narcissist doesn't want to communicate?
@@ikyathay2998 if you mean you want to revenge once??.. do u have any social media? try to change your picture profile, at picture of you and boyfriend or girlfrind,, should a partner u know ,, (that the way to turn off narc 's confidents) Narc never stop jealous, at least he or her will find out how ur activity without being idle to you, Narc will never stop jealousy after you. becos of being narc,
but the best revenge or cure the situation with narc is LET HIM OR HER FORGET YOU. let him or her be narc- self cycle with "No You" on his or her cycle,.
Short answer: leave. No explanations. No defences. Just decide and leave.
What if he's my brother? I can't leave im only a teen
@@nicestar2198 You won't always be a teen, and you will be able to escape. Don't let anyone tell you that you "must" love and forgive him or take unearned blame "because he's your brother!"
@@mamajedijaws4938 Um what? How did you get to 'abusive'?
Great advice. Hear, hear! It's highly dangerous. They've literally nothing else to do and actually love a good mud wrestle. Don't throw Pearl's before swine 🤐
Took me 2 years to finally open my eyes and.... a few words on it...
Evil..
Lost Souls...
Confused...
Posessed.....
Addicts...
Sad...
Unfortunate..
Enlightening..
Love yourself, don't have a confrontation with a narcissist. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!
🤣👏👏👏
Narrssacists hate being called out, especially in public but they always want you to have a public embarrassment by them
They enjoy embarrassing you. But don't dare do it to them. They can be very charismatic and smart but excellent users and manipulators.
My ex-Narcissist boyfriend discarded in October after I called him out for humiliating me in front of about 200 people. He is a frontman in a band and played a gig for the Hell's Angel's. They had a chilli cookoff during one of the breaks and he decided it would be a good to say "my girlfriend will not eat the chilli because she is afraid it will cause her to shit for 3 days." I sat there frozen. He was angry for several reasons before they started playing, and shaming me was a way he could feel better. I FINALLY realized then that his mask had been slipping for a while and his abuse was getting worse. I told him how he made me feel and a few days later he discarded me. He already has a new supply that he met at one of their gigs. Hate it for her.
@@sharoncorrell943 You dodged a serious bullet.
@@jeremysears4263 yes I did. After contacting his exwife who is happily remarried, she told me she divorced him after he hit her on multiple occasions breaking her jaw and damaging her orbital eye socket. Three months now No Contact.
@@jeremysears4263 after the incident at the show in Oct and after I called him out on it, he claimed I overreacted and was an asshole. Said I should have laughed it off like everyone else. I don't recall alot of people laughing, more like staring at me with their mouths open. He never did apologize...of course.
- And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
Omg! “they set you up to look bad”. He did this to me. He would accuse me of things he would do. It’s amazing. I confronted him and his mask fell off…threatened to have girls beat me up….for catching him in a lie. 🤯
Best way to stay a step ahead of a covert narcissist is by giving them the illusion that you’re two steps behind. You’ll never have to put them in check. Their pride and arrogance leads to them checkmating themselves. ‘Quietly exiting’ is the best offensive and defense. My prayers goes out to anyone who has ever had to deal with a covert narcissist for any length of time. Mine was through an employer for seven years. Thank God I got out and am free!🙏
Hallelujah Praise God!
Mine was with my ex wife for 10 years!
Honestly a great defense against them which seems so difficult to do since they don't live off what's real
A quiet exit is exactly what I did. It drove the narc crazy. He automatically realised that i saw straight through him. And I didnt even have to say one word. All good
@@tomkenny75 I'm going through her Narcissistic rage. I shouldn't have never told her that I know who she is.
When I watched this three years ago, the scales fell from my eyes and I made my plan to quietly leave. It was the best thing I ever did.
I just watched it right now for the 1st time and WOW are my eyes open now
@@ThunderDomeBoxingTalk I hope you will be happy.
@@jipatkinson2940 This vid n then some others really helped me out big time.1 thing i will say is that these people are so damn easy to manipulate once you know how their brain operates.
@@ThunderDomeBoxingTalk yes I just played his game back on him. Lol he got so confused. It gave me so much more power and was able to leave.
One of the BEST nARC videos ever. Married in the dysfunction for 25 yrs. Always new something was off. Never knew this is what I was dealing with. FAKE LOVE. I am trying so hard to find myself again and have happiness. Like my prior self is gone.
It is not completely gone, it is now gone because of all the abuse. You’ll find yourself again and you’ll heal. Don’t let him win and never give up. If you can, the first step is to cut physical contact and then the rest will come naturally and do therapy if you can . Stay safe, you deserve to be treated like a human being and to be loved. You deserve peace and health. These people are so damaged to their core. I hope this helps you a little ❤Stay safe and I wish you the best ❤ 🫂
Thank you, your advice is invaluable for my current situation. My stepmother has been gaslighting my father for 18 years. Now that I’m calling her out on it she’s stooping to lies to smear me. My father is 92, so I don’t have a desire to disturb his comfortable existence this late in life. I only want to find a way to keep having a relationship with him but get myself very far from her, as I’m too devastated now to put up a front that everything is okay any more. Your advice gives me an outline of what pitfalls I must avoid as I try to figure out an action plan to achieve this without falling into her trap.
I agree, do not argue. Do not defend yourself. Just leave, leave with your strength peace and sanity. Love yourself first . You gain everything and more once you leave the horrible covert narcissist
1) Don't beat yourself up. 2) Calm down. Do not call them out. 3) Terminate the relationship without an obvious confrontation; 4) Create a boundary of protection around you; 5) Understand how passive-aggressive covert narcissists are.
Thank you for the summary!
Thank you
Excellent steps to take + be good yourself! Deep breaths and protect your boundaries.
That person doesn’t give a darn about anyone but himself or herself. They lack empathy and are cruel people. Malignant narcs are the worst.
Good information
That is very sound advice in a nutshell. Thanx!
I don't know man. This might work for people who fear confrontation, but in my experience, not just with individuals but with organizations, etc, I find it very useful to expose them that everybody can see them for what they are. People are smarter than we give them credit for, and if you're clever, and justice is on your mind, it can be done; in a very methodical way. I don't just want to extricate myself from such a person or organization, I want to damage or destroy their ability to successfully be able to do this to other people or groups of people again.
Agree. Why should we enable these people? The more we shy away from them, the more harm they continue to do. Good on you for what you did.
Forgot to mention that they use 3rd parties to do all their dirty work.
Be greatful you uncovered them. Better than walking blindly and thinking the problem is all you.
Yes! The truth is worth all the pain!
@@tamarameis1696 you realize the truth after the pain settles, oftentimes, you can see the trail of evidence they left behind in their attempt to hold the facade and fool you.
They know it's them.
They are the worst and most dangerous narcs. They kill you by stress. You’ll end up having many illnesses at the end of u stay. Both mental and physical. I know first hand. I’m finally getting the healing to get over the abuse. Good luck to everyone
I watched my close friend go through this with her soon to be ex...I want to beat the tar out of this guy for what he has done to her for 22 years.
Scot Hohl it’s hard when you care so much but just continue to be patient with her cause when she finally gets the strength to leave she will need a good friend. She will need you the most and you find that even through the hardships and difficulties you will be her rock and that will bring so much peace in your heart. Because you will be saving a life. Narc abuse is tough but the aftermath usually breaks victims to the point of suicidal and major chronic illness. I wish you all the best as well as your friend
Sending you healing and anyone reading this x
My former father-in-law was a covert narc. That old man sucked the life out of me for 7 years with the support of my narcissistic former wife and narcissistic former mother-in-law. By the time I escaped at the end of last year I had about as much self-worth as a boiled potato. I was suicidal. Most of this last year has been about rebuilding my life and rediscovering sports, interests & friends all over again. But I am free from that evil.
I feel bad though I love him and I also understand the reason why he acts like he does I know I'm Gods healing Angel so I will pray with him side by side every night and ask God to help him thru his illness that he doesn't even know about due to how he was raised as a child that effects a person mentally and they grow up with this like tough love stubbornness but they need help to I'm Gods helper all I can do is try and if it doesn't work I will give it to him and move on with my life I know how to treat a person love unconditional and help a person I know that is my gift from God now I'm not saying I will put up with anything I will address it define it and point it out right then and there. Js
Always voice record them so that they cannot lie to the world about how good they were to you. It's one of the best defenses you have, it's always helped me and I'll continue to rely on it.
They have always a way
@@timirhonon So do we, we need to fight back and not give up. Not to them. It'll only get worse. It sucks, you have to walk through the painful dark before you can get out.
It's all about us. Narcissist are catalyst of our already wounded self. Rise up from ashes, be the Phoenix
I am an empath/lightworker and it is extremely difficult to avoid them because we are their main targets.
Damn right my friend. I'm very glad i still got my blessings, and they would never leave me.
@@righiportfolio You're ALWAYS BLESSED no matter what 💙
Thank you friend! Lets move on!
Interesting,....this guy is my favorite expert on this matter,he seems very real, and altruistic, so far 🤞
@@chaosdweller Agreed 💙
My rule of thumb is if a person seems too good to be true, then do not engage with them. Be polite but turn down any invitations. Love bombing comes in many forms, not just romantic. It's the bait they use to lure you in.
Awesome comment, what I've seen a lot of recently as well as the past 8yrs to keep me hooked in. I see it so clearly now.
It depends...
Yeah I don’t think this advice works tbh. I have experienced a few of narcs tbh and it’s not that they love bomb from the start . However they may find a your week points and use it against you. They may be nice to you in sandwiches and in front of others ect . So don’t think that everyone who is lovely to you isn’t being genuine. Lovely people do exists . Some just expect a lot in return and that isn’t fair either. Give for the sake of giving in the name of love
@@Delightfullala often times people who are genuinely loving don’t need anything in return ❤
@@pureoxin8135 exactly ❤️
Thank you for a greatly helpful and supportive video. I totally agree with you. Walking away quietly is the path to go with those people.