PROTECT YOURSELF! Narcissists Will Use These Secret Weapons AGAINST YOU! | Dr. Ramani
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- čas přidán 20. 05. 2024
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On Today's Episode:
Hey guys, Lisa here! If you didn’t already know, I am super frikin excited to share that I’m writing a book! To be the FIRST to get sneak peeks about my book and other exclusive content go to: lisabilyeu.com/ and be sure to sign up for my newsletter.
By now, you’re probably proficient at spotting narcissistic behaviors in people and relationships you are involved with. You may notice gaslighting or maybe you haven’t been able to put a finger on exactly what seems to be off, but if you’re honest you know something isn’t right. Spotting narcissism and knowing someone is portraying narcissistic behaviors isn’t enough if you’re going to protect yourself. Dr. Ramani Durvasula joins Lisa for round 2 to break down the rules of engagement. Understanding that some women are unable to get away from the narcissistic relationship they’ve been “stuck” in for years does not call for judgement. As Dr. Ramani clearly iterates, leaving these kinds of unhealthy relationships are never easy, and there is also no need for judgement. The good news is that Dr. Ramani came loaded today with practical tips and advice to give you and the people you love the best chance possible for dealing with narcissists when escape isn’t an easy option.
Check out Dr. Ramani's Podcast "Navigating Narcissism" here!: apple.co/3nrjnTL
SHOW NOTES:
Words Hurt | Why words hurt more than we like to admit and the damage being done [2:45]
D.E.E.P. | Dr. Ramani reveals the D.E.E.P. technique to shut down narcissists [5:34]
No Leaving | Dr. Ramani explains why some people can’t leave and how they survive [7:25]
Don’t Defend | Why it’s not about being a doormat, it’s about not engaging in toxic routine [8:36]
Fire-walling | Not giving away your vulnerabilities and psychological “passwords” [10:56]
Apology Cycle | Differentiating someone who is sorry or a repeat offender to shut down [14:21]
Narcissistic Parents | Why these kinds of parents are tricky and how to deal with them [15:55]
Narcissist Magnets | Why familiarity can be a magnet for unhealthy toxic relationships [18:32]
Happiness | Dr. Ramani discusses if true happiness is possible with a narcissist [22:05]
Staying In It | Dr. Ramani explains why people stay in narcissistic relationships [25:17]
Empathy | Dr. Ramani shares having empathy for narcissist in an empowering way [27:26]
Support | How to best aide people leaving narcissistic relationships that are scared [34:05]
Once You Know | Dr. Ramani’s advice on what to do and not do once you know [37:46]
Responding | How to get out of dodge when under verbal attack and hold the tears [44:29]
Good News | Dr. Ramani explains why you never share good news with narcissists [49:04]
Contempt | Looking for the contempt to identify narcissistic behaviors and not engage [51:45]
No One’s Exempt | Dr. Ramani shares how even she still falls for the pity trap [56:16]
QUOTES:
“We're literally more protective of the password we have for some game on our computer, then we are with the most sacred parts of our psyche.” [11:34]
“Once you identify the difficult people in the system, you can still be in that system, but you got to be mindful.” [17:32]
“We must have tremendous empathy for narcissistic people. Otherwise, we lose the best part of ourselves, and I'll be damned if somebody who's toxic is going to be the reason the most beautiful part of myself gets turned off.” [28:33]
“Empathy is understanding whatever happened in your story that brought you here, I am so sorry, and I really hope the path forward takes you to a place where you can work on this. I really do, but not on my time.” [28:55]
“If you decide to leave them, and they don't want you leaving, you are in for the fight of your life.” [32:34]
“I'm so glad I'm out, but had I really known how bad this was going to be, I don't know that I would have had the courage to do this.” [33:34]
For narcissistic people, it's really important for their ego to always be in control, and the idea that someone else is calling the shots does not work for them. [37:13]
“You don't want to serve up your pain to somebody who's going to melt it into bullets.” [46:33]
“Your dreams, your aspirations, are sacred spaces within you. Why would you put that sacred space in front of somebody who's having contempt for it?” [52:57]
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Do you have any tips for communicating with a narcissist?
Yes; DON’T!
under-react/don't react/avoid contact
As I’ve learned from Doctor Ramani, it really helps to firewall them. You can’t let any vital information out, or IN because they will dump their toxicity onto you and hold whatever you say against you. The only time they listen is when they’re listening for ammo to use against you.
Grey rock them !!! This technique really works
If I'd known exactly what I was dealing with when we split up I think I would have faired better. I soon realised that I was fighting for my life and I fought with everything I had left in me. Absolutely shredded is a fitting description of how I ended up.
Go where you are celebrated,
Not where you are tolerated.
❤️
🎉❤🎉❤
Agreed Pj
Tks! Good advice!
I like that🎉
Specially as a narcist it is very important to be celebrated, 🤦♀️
Don’t defend
Don’t engage
Don’t explain
Don’t personalize
DEEP- defend, engage, explain, personalize
Don't DEEP
defend and explain is the same..
@@20jayabhat I don't know. I've tried explaining something to someone whom I thought would be open to listening to me. When I realized they weren't interested in hearing me, and instead only gaslit me, and told me my experience wasn't real, instead of disengaging, I became defensive and combative. To me the difference between defend and explain is the difference between explaining your POV vs defending yourself on a personal level, that you're not crazy, as they continue to try and gaslight you.
@nikital.8255 (and others)
“Don’t defend
Don’t engage
Don’t explain
Don’t personalize”
Thank you. At 60 I’m only now learning… I so appreciate the doctor’s teachings, sharing of knowledge and wisdom, and I really appreciate the input of those subscribers to her channel.
On one hand I recognize the loss of decades having kept myself ignorant, having danced on eggshells to another’s beat…
On the other hand, I’m a box of ol’ dry bone’s having new life breathed into me, my ears, mind and heart are open.
It’s not too late to learn, to understand, to live…
I had a narcissistic mother and a father who was afraid to challenge her. When I was in my early twenties, an older couple who were friends of the family visited for a week. They noticed how my parents ignored me, even when I tried to engage them. They kindly took me aside in private and very kindly told me I was a wonderful daughter who deserved more attention, and they offered to be available to listen or provide help if I ever wanted that. It was a watershed moment for me, and they stood behind their promise, treating me as their fourth daughter. Having that alternative family on call was enormously helpful.
That's amazing they recognized you and your toxic parent's actions and didn't enable them but helped the one in need and stood by their helpful word.
I'm so happy for you and your circumstances that changed for the good
@@elizabethfindlay5752 Thank you. They were generous, sweet people who provided just enough support without overdoing it. From them, I learned how families SHOULD function.
So glad u got that love, support & validation Re. Exactly who was the problem.
I has tears reading this, so happy for you
@@anushilamukerji2478 Thank you. I am deeply grateful for those wonderful people.
May we all be safe from terrible people Amen
❤😂❤😂😢
The world is fallen by choice. A better world awaits, if you believe on the Lord God Jesus Christ. 🩷✝️🩷 He will make sure abusers will not get away with it. There will be Hell to pay. Trust in His sacrifice on the cross as His free love gift payment for ALL of your past, present and future sins. Once saved, forever saved. His love is that true & faithful, even though we aren't. God bless you❣️
@@Tiger-vo8ri That was abusive of you to laugh at that person. How apropos... considering the video is about abuse. Consider an apologizing.
“You don’t want to serve up your pain to someone whose going to melt it into bullets” POWERFUL🦋
Right???
Excellent metaphor..turn your pain into bullets!
Its really not about serving up pain???
It's much more like this:
"A problem shared is a problem halved" a two way mutually supportive process.
What Dr Ramani means is to beware not to share your vulnerability and sacred self with narcissistic people as they use it take it in seemingly listening then spit it back out at you I later arguments devoid of any mercy empathy or compassion. That's the cautionary tale.
Perfect
Narcs target those who are at their weakest point
TRUE TRUE TRUE.
“You don’t want to serve up your pain to someone who’s going to melt it into bullets” God I love this women. Thank you Dr. Ramani ❤️
i wish she were my therapist.
@@diadax8189 if you choose to follow her videos, she can be 'your' therapist. In therapy you do the work. The therapist only listens and pulls out of you what you want to do when you are ready for it. So her videos explain, and taking action is on our part. Of course, this is only depending on how much we have going on. I hope this helps in breaking through the wall of mind limitations on having a person in front of you/us. 💚
I always say, "They don't fall in love," "they fall in obsesssion."
This woman saved me and helped me gain the courage to leave my narc husband of almost 20 years. We’re in the middle of a divorce now and the kids and I are so excited to be free.
Good luck, dance like no one is watching!!🕊️😄😍
We are in the same boat. I want to pay my highest respect to your decision to take these steps with kids on board, instead of alternately waiting for them to grow out of the house first. The “staying together for the kids” doesn’t benefit here because they are targeted just as much. You become a shield for the dysfunction that would have otherwise shredded them more than they already have been.
Well done! My narcissist dad left my mum after 20 years. I'm now a 43 year old woman discovering that potentially 50% of my relationships including friendships have involved traits of narcissistic abuse, particularly given my empath identification. Applaud you first and foremost and if I can offer a suggestion to set your children up for relationship success, teach them BOUNDARIES big time. I've been on the lessons for 2 years now and only just starting to get there!
I’m so happy for you Kelli!! Sending you all the strength and healing vibes!!
She is great! I left my narcissist wife of 9 years. Tried to stay with her because we have kids, but it was too painful in the end. Gaslighting is REAL!!!! She still campaigns against me months later but I refuse to engage. I finally figured it out. Thank you!
Basically, make toxic people unimportant in your life
Well put!
U r marvelous Darling!
“Narcissistic people will Weaponized your vulnerabilities.“
Wow. This video should be required viewing for every young girl in a high school in the country. I got tangled up with a narcissist and it really cost me.
Yes especially to help them recognize a parent, grandparent or future boyfriend/gir,friend as a narcissistic if they are one:
Boys and Men get Abused too.
This stuff needs taught way before high-school.
yes, and before weaponizing your vulnerabilities, they will cater to them. that's the hell of it. but it never lasts too long. I suppose that's also the hell of it.
Really interesting you assume men don't deal with narc women.
Listening to this makes me realize how much I have tolerated over the years. It makes me really sad, I feel so broken.
Same, girl. Same. I’m working on my repairs, though. I hope you do, too. I don’t know you but I know for a fact that YOU MATTER! ❤️✌🏻🖖🏻
I had magnificent narcissist mother& malignant narc husband. I went no contact from them both finally. I see my mother rarely and it is always bad for me. But now that i know the truth about them it's easy not to take any of their bullshit personally. Pretty much everything they ever (always) said about me was a lie! When the blinders fell off & i embraced the truth, and spent years in self-help i must add... It set me free. You can do it too. Just think... After some serious self-care and education, plus implementing strong, healthy boundaries for yourself, you'll realize what a strong, good person you are! Peace be with you!
Just stay far away from them and break the trauma bond they created. I did and you will feel so much better. Go no contact with them. They will never admit what they did. Just think of YOU and take care of YOU. 🙏🙏💪🌼🌼
@@lmiaaamin1660 it took them many years to do damage so get counseling and stay away then you will heal. You will not feel guilty or pity them or be sucked back in.
It makes me really mad.. I allowed this .
I just want to say to everyone who has been or is still affected by a narcissist..... I think you're amazing. You can do it. You matter. Don't give up on yourself and I may be nobody special, but understand and I care. I have been narcissist-free for 5 years, and I still get sick to my stomach thinking about how horrible that person really was. But I appreciate being sick to my stomach bc it reminds me to value myself and to never allow that kind of evil in my life again. It's so sad that others really have no problem or guilt while destroying others who are truly good people. Prayers and much love to y'all 💗
Thank you for your kind words. I have been dealing with a covert narcisist for 30 long years. I have pretty much felt alone for the entire 30 years. I have divorced him now and is the best decision I have made in my entire life. He broke me financially, spiritually and mentally. He still emotionally sabotages my adult children. 😞
@@boogieuggie7865 prayers and hugs to you and yours. I'm glad you made that decision, and don't ever let that scumbag bring you down again. Your kids are in my thoughts and prayers, I'm so glad to hear another one of us made it out of that kind of hell they create. 💜💜💜💜
@@azsweethrt7441 Thank you! Wishing the Best life has give. ♥️🤗
Thank you so much! We need support
🙏 amen
“Do not cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn to tear you in pieces.”
I have been thinking of that proverb over the last few weeks.
I've understood that to mean that you should not give advice to someone who is not prepared to receive it. You don't cast the pearls because the pigs cannot digest them. You are giving something of value to a creature who will eat practically anything. But, they cannot digest them, so it is not helpful to them.
@@JustBCWi and they have got nothing to give you back (why should we start giving them pearls)
@@JustBCWi that's it really. It's saying that if you cast your pearls of wisdom to swine they will only trample them under their feet and destroy the pearls of wisdom. Not interested to the point of destroying your words. So don't bother if you know they are swine.
@MessedUpMel none of us deserve the pearls and that's the point of grace; it can never be earned or worked toward to achieve! What I mean is you need to believe as a very fundamental truth that none of us are righteous, not one, and God gifts us with salvation to those who believe in Christ. The only difference between you and them is humility. He gives grace to the humble but resists the proud. You may know your weaknesses and flaws, and I say may because you have been trained to believe lies about who you are. But at the very least you apparently know you need forgiveness and grace. They know who they are but, but their pride will not allow them to seek out forgiveness.
Thats how you begin! Noone deserves grace more than you, because none of us actually deserve it; we all are in the same boat in that sense!
If you truly believe this reality than you need to realize that you do not need to make them understand, because they are aware of their behavior. You do not need your abuser to validate reality or the pain they have caused you. They know. Again, the difference between you and them is humility. You know the condition of your soul and need for salvation.
After you begin to believe these truths you then need to know that you have a distorted view of yourself. You are not able to look at this relationship objectively because you have been manipulated and gaslighted to believe that everything is your fault. Are you responsible for your actions; of course, but if you are in a relationship with a narcassist than you do not know how badly you have been abused. Your still seeing through the lens of their narrative.
The main truth I need you to understand is that you are not the Savior. I see this is a common character flaw in victims of narcassistic abuse or trauma at a young age; you believe it is your responsibility to save others. Humble yourself, and let that burden go because you cannot save anyone. All you can do is love in truth and show compassion with wisdom. Also, noone loves people individually or as a whole more than Jesus; noone. He loves the narcassist and the abuser and His love is enough. When you stated they need the pearl more than you; that reveals alot about your mindset.. I was just like you, but then the truth set me free. They do need God, but everyone does. He is big enough. You do not have to sacrifice yourself in order to love anyone; Christ did that already and He is savior. If we also believe that we love more than He does than that also needs to be repented of. That's a very dangerous mindset because you will literally stand in the way of true love by believing you have to be sacrificed.
That's where you begin. You are not the Savior and you are not too far gone. Neither is the narcassist but that's not your responsibility because you are responsible for your actions only and for your soul.
A narcissist never wants to see you happy and succeed in life,they get a kick out of your downfalls
A narc will pretend to be a friend that is a victim of a narc and tell you all about the tactics as if they can relate, then gather info on you to then use to hurt you. That one really threw me for a loop when that happened.
My mother is a narcissist. She ruined my life with the emotional abuse. I'm 60 and still suffering. My advice would be don't even bother arguing with a narcissist. You'll never win!!
Absolutely!
Bring them to church for the complete deliverance
@@christianlifestylemotivation most won’t go
Yes! Best advice...I also have a narcissistic mother and conversations and debates with her just go round and round like a carousel you can't get off of..arguing is futile.
Always keep it factual and do not waste your time engaging. That's the best way
"They take your pain and melt it into bullets." "They don't pause, they reload." Yes, yes they do 😔
That took me down. Such good information to know.
My dad tried to do this.... Ignored lol
Absolutely true!!!
They're relentless!
Accurate 💯 the stalking, gaslighting, flying monkeys, smear campaign, it goes on and on. There’s no end to it. Even when you’ve moved on for years it continues
The only way to take control from a narcissist is to get yourself from their domain first. You wont be able to figure out anything until and unless you are out of the hellish world. I will tell you one of my favourite stories. Once a King was too disturbed by everything that was happening around him. He felt as if no one was loyal to him and he was always afraid of his kingdom being attacked by perpetrators. He lost his sleep and his life had become hell. So he thought of taking a brief sojourn in the countryside. He passed through lush green fields and picturesque landscapes. The silent breeze that brushed through his hair filled his heart with joy. That is when he saw a farmer who was putting fence around his farmland. But his farmland had weeds all over and they hardly had any crops. This intrigued the King. He asked the farmer as to why was he putting a fence around the farm when the farm itself was covered with weeds. To this the farmer said that the farm was his own so he could get rid of the weeds whenever he liked. But he cant stop the stray dogs from running over his fields and destroying them. That is why he was putting the fence. To stop the stray dogs from venturing into the field. Once he was very assured about the security of his fields he can work on clearing the weeds and planting crops. On hearing this the King somewhat got the answer which he had been searching for. The human mind is also like the field. You cant control assholes from fiddling with your mind or saying bullshit. But you can definitely put a fence ( figuratively) so that these assholes cant influence you. And until and unless you dont put a fence you can never work on yourself. Once you have distanced yourself from toxic people then you can work on the healing process. Same is the case with narcs. Narcs are these stray dogs who suck your energy emotionally. They play mind games for fun because their mind wants melodrama. They hurt the very people who love them. So total isolation from these narcs is absolutely essential for the well being of your Mind. Once you are out of their mind games you can take decisions rationally. Narcs try to drain you emotionally. So everytime you respond to their low vibrations you tend to come to their level. But when you react confidently without panicking and without responding to their negative vibrations that is when you Win. When someone realises that you arent being influenced or being manipulated by their actions they will get tired of it. And after cutting them off completely from your lives you should work on your healing process. Work on clearing your mental clutter and keep yourself preoccupied. Read books and most importantly try to find your Purpose in life. When you find your Purpose you will be able to bear any pain in this World. Most importantly help others in need. When you find someone else who is stuck with a narc help them to get out of that. I feel this is the way to take control from a narcissist. P.S: I hardly find people around me who know about emotional abuse. But I think everyone should read and know about it. In today’s mean world you will find a lot of people who try to influence you or demoralise you using the sweetest of words. Its about identifying these covert manipulators and distancing yourself from them. I have immense respect for people who have survived narcissistic partners. They happen to be the most strongheaded and emotionally stable people you can come across. I learn a lot of things from them. Truly the broken will always be the most beautiful. Additionally, Here's a clue for anyone of you that think your spouse might be cheating, but you think they are just too clever to be caught, your feelings of being cheated on are not facts and your intuitions are bullshit unless you find out for sure. So before you bring your sickness and blame into the relationship get some fucking proof and some mental help consult a private investigator today Metaspyhub@gmail. com for the purpose know where you stand in your relationship...
That wasn't learned in the book the Lord Jesus Christ thinks you're amazing.
Amen ,just get the message and wish them well and go on despite feelings.
Mine truly was all about the lack of information but mama let me tell you when the ladies of Kerrville introduce me to factor I was being abused and in the worst way and what is what was and the wages for reason why it was all the information came so fast from CZcams how is what&when it comes to these miserable traits in him as opposed to my chemical imbalance + physical disability = 💯🙀♾️🛐❣️
"Narcissists are consumed with maintaining a shallow false self to others. They're emotionally crippled souls that are addicted to attention. Because of this they use a multitude of games, in order to receive adoration. Sadly, they are the most ungodly of God's creations because they don't show remorse for their actions, take steps to make amends or have empathy for others. They are morally bankrupt.” ― Shannon L. Alder
I was living with a narcissist who never used that word “sorry”. He was always right. Never wrong about anything at any time
Mine never apologized. And when I quit apologizing, boy did she hate that. Started denying her everything she denied me. Now I have fallen into her "worthless" category. Its coming to a close,after 33 years, because I quit being passive and have been giving her a taste of her own medicine. She really doesn't like it. Imagine that.
I know of a man who can help you get back with your ex he helped me get back with my ex we are back together with more love now.............,
WhatsApp him📞✅ now ............,
✛18186968652(☉｡☉)!!
@@johngaulding3710 I know of a man who can help you get back with your ex he helped me get back with my ex we are back together with more love now.............,
The staying in the same room with someone swinging a sword at you, reminded me of the other analogy, death by a thousand cuts. Staying many years with a Narcissist is a slow death by a thousand cuts.
@The Golden Sphere Piss off. You're trolling, stop wasting everyone's time.
Wonderfully explained.
I just woke up to this fact. And o boy, how does that hurt after 30 years of marriage.Should say "mirage"...
And exhausting
@@bluemandarin701 life
it took me 30 years and listening to Dr. Ramani religiously to realize I was living with a narcissist...he called me 'crazy' all the time, told me no-one would ever love me...am slowing healing
❤️
i have tried similar.. it takes the time it takes to heal from that, all the best to you
I used to not respond or defend myself against the narcissist in my life. But during that time I wasn’t living with them. Now that I live with them it’s difficult not to respond. But the doctor is correct, responding and defending yourself only feeds into them and takes away from you! It’s devastating when children are involved!
Act with indifference
😢😢😮😮
So true because I went through this kind of relationship for 17 years with my ex husband. Later on my daughter run away at 18 😢and he try to make my son disrespect me when I divorced him.
I've been successfully detaching more and more, while still living together. We now live on opposite sides of the house. Still cordial and interact. But we do not ever talk about topics that lead to awfulness. No politics. No current events topics. No sex. Detachment. Moving ahead with my life gradually.
Are you trying couple therapy? Would it help? @@jenniferhampton5171
They fight so dirty…when you explain how you’re feeling about something, at every opportunity in the future, any disagreement or discussion, they throw your feelings and actions in your face to continue to hurt you. I’m tired of narcissists bleeding on me when I wasn’t the one who cut them’
And they love love fighting and arguing ......till the cows come home.
@Monica- Right! They hit way below the belt and take no responsibility for anything. We have to keep reminding ourselves that this is their personal problem, not ours.
@@TheJRo I used to believe them when they called it “bluntly stating truth”…it’s not. It’s intentionally being hurtful without compassion or regard. When I accepted the fact that the things they accuse me of are the things they are guilty of doing and the things they hate about themselves, I learned to be less critical of myself and to only ask if:
a) I did or said those things AND
b) if so, was it said or done with malice or hurtful intent.
If one or both is answered “no”, then I chuck it in my mental “Psycho Circular File (🗑)’ and LET IT GO! I’ve got enough baggage of my own to carry without carrying theirs!!
@@wldncrzy1971 - we try a million diff ways to try to make things right with them for something we didn’t even do, but they nvr change, fueled by rage. Then they paint us to be villains so that their guilt doesn’t feel so heavy. It’s time to heal. I like your game plan. Each day, you’re stronger than yesterday 💪
The dirtiest ways and as many ways as possible while the victim of them is bending over backwards for so long; when the dirtbags use other people and then you have to deal with all of them -- keep feeling empathy for them??? NO NO NO, I'll share my best and beautiful parts with deserving people. I'll not empathize with someone who made it their mission to destroy me, mocked me while doing so, tricking me because I AM an empathetic person, using every single vulnerability about me to eff me over, and being very good at their ways--because they practice backstabbing, lying, cheating, manipulating 24/7 Dr. I disagree here.
After 32 years with a covert narcissist I became a shell of who I use to be. I’m Slowly moving forward...and leaving him FAR Behind🙌🏻
Terrie Cashen,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!
👏❤👏 Everytime I hear this it makes me so happy! Good for u! U can do it! Not easy, but u r so worth it. ❤
I understand. I prayed and meditated and God showed me the truth, which explained everything. I was with a CN too, and the cyclical emotional abuse and devaluation, and inability to communicate to resolution, etc.... was killing my personality, my sense of self. I was becoming a shell of my former self and now i know WHY. It hurts so much but he is not who I fantasized him to be, and the lack of empathy is what convinced me i MUST leave.
You and I are in the same EXACT boat! For me, 32 years with a Covert Narc, who is wildly successful and nice to everyone except one person....wanna guess who that may be? He never EVER sticks up for me or defends me....he seems to enjoy others' pain. Sigh. Now his grown equally ENTITLED sons are taking over the business and after 32 years of dedicated, loyal service from me, they are being horrible and so rude. One of them doesn't even speak to me at family events. THE PATTERN IS REPEATING AND HIS LEGACY LIVES ON. Tragic.
@@marcypeyton4867 Keep your head up! U do not deserve, and u WILL live through this pain! U can do it. And u r worth it! Stay strong. ❤
I'm married to narcissist for 14 year and everything she saying is beyond true and I'm ready to get me in my children out of this
Be careful.. Use wisdom and get some advice on how to leave safely and start putting money away secretly copying papers you need. And be careful who you share it with they may surprise you and tell him. I wish you luck and may a higher power guide you. Just be careful who you trust. Maybe get advice from a women's abuse center they know about emotional abuse.
@@Rg-ui1wl thank you
Be strategic
I pray protection over you under the Divines wings 💜💜💜 try to only tell social workers or therapist who can help and are required to not tell. You’ll make it through.
Hope you have your ducks in a row. Everything documented you're in for a shit storm. Good luck
“Don’t share your wins, your losses, or your vulnerabilities.” Soooooo true! That line gave me flashbacks of the relationship I was in with a narcissist
The first sign of a narcissistic person is they behave like a child when they don’t get their way. Treat them like a child back. When they get their way THEY WILL KEEP ON DOING IT. Just don’t give them what they want and let them deal with it.
Then, RUN!
If they don't like what you say
Silent treatment for days, sometimes weeks
I learned to en joy
Those times
God bless this woman. God bless everything she touches and everyone she is in contact with. She is TRUELY changing people's lives and providing healing
She is a healer! I really appreciate her for making the choice to help others.
@The Golden Sphere what do you mean? Sorry I can't see the comments you're referencing
I am “people’s”… “people’s” is me😩… She is truly a 🎁 that I am grateful for.
Love Dr Ramani love, love, love
Dr. Ramani is an amazing woman! She's helped obliterate so much pain in my life.
Dating a destructive narcissist is draining! They gaslight the hell out of you, blameshifting gets worse and worse and they try to convince you you are actually getting crazy. Still, it's just so hard to leave because they make their way to have some strings attached. Much strength for all of us who have been or are going through this.
my mother’s death made me realise my family was full of narcissistic behaviour, starting
with my mother her scapegoating of me continuing through out the family having being
taught that’s how I was to be treated, thank goodness I realised after watching and listening
to Dr Ramani and others , I no longer have anything to do with any of my siblings except one
brother who understands what was done to myself and family, I can walk right past them as if they don’t exist because they no longer do to me, it’s hard but oh so worth it believe me.
The blame was put on me and my now deceased father. My "dear mother" and her criminal "family" got together like a mob boss meeting and cost me personal property, human dignity and inflicted physical, emotional and psychological abuse. There is nowhere for you to go once this sort of thing happens and the kangaroo "family" court system always rules against the real victim. They are PURE EVIL 😈
My narc "mother" also finally died in her early 90's after inflicting a lifelong campaign of abuse. She was a control freak who had grandiose and delusional ideas about herself and her phony narc "family". I, being her only child became her punching bag. Major physical, psychological and emotional abuse was done. Later, she and her "family" were nice enough to provide me psychiatric care with me portrayed as the villain and she and them as the victims.
@@JJones-nr2pl I understand exactly what you’re saying it’s hideous when you actually understand what happened to you all through your life but the good thing is we now know and understand it wasn’t us it was the narcissist at the helm and there flying monkey minions feel proud of yourself I know I’m proud of myself for not being the toxic evil 👿 pretender that they all are
Visible scars get acknowledged. Emotional abuse is denied.
Even in a court of law.
@@justice8563 Especially in a court of law.
And that's what hurts the most. Why is it denied and allowed. I can see it being done to my son too..... no one seems to care about us or can make him stop...
he makes sooooo much more money than me and knows I can't afford a lawyer, let alone one who really cares to help... ( even someone from free legal help took advantage of me). All I want is him to not be able to do this to my child. I pray so much that I can still save my son from all of this, he's 11 and its getting worse...
Emotional abuse turns into physical illness, but no one except the victim of emotional abuse knows that the real reason he or she is sick is because he or she held those toxic emotions inside.
@@phalinimcleod8819 And many refuse to look.
"Someone abusing you is never your fault." I really needed to hear that. I blamed myself for allowing the abuse for so long. Thank you.
Hope you are doing ok now 🕊️
@@jandavison7288 getting there. If I could just get him out of my home I'd be doing so much better.
I’m going through the same thing. Using his daughter as an excuse not to leave. I seriously hate him that I wish he’d disappear without a trace! We were actually friends first and I never seen this side of him until we finally made it official! He uses my past against me and belittle me and never say sorry! He blamed me for everything and it’s just getting worse. It makes me want to hurt him while sleeping. But I can’t because I love my kids and my life. He thinks I won’t never leave but he’s wrong because I’m secretly leaving. No contact after. He will never see his kid. Once we leave them they will regret it. I can’t wait until it’s all over with. You got this but you have to be wanting to get up and leave. He will never change. Lose that little piece of HOPE because you’re just holding yourself back to more narcissist abuse. LEAVE NOW!
@@shannongross3047 So many comments describe my situation, my thoughts and feelings! Your post is my story, too… He is the meanest person I’ve ever known! Zero regard for the destruction left in the wake of his purely self-centered antics.
abuse of any kind is not normal and it's never your fault. stay up and keep reaching for the stars.
I got stalked everytime I left. 5 years on I'm still being stalked. It's very much an un ending chapter unfortunately. I wish I knew all of this before I met him. They mess with absolutely everything in your life, even after they're with someone else. They're mentally so unstable but I'm glad I left when I finally worked up the courage because I don't think I'd be alive today if I had stayed
This woman is amazing in how she explains, brings me to tears because it's exactly what I've endured since childhood!
I understand… it wasn’t just the abuse but it was how bloody long it lasted with barely a respite.
I’m sorry childhood was something you, we, had to endure…
“brings tears…”
Yes. But we have survived and have come out the other end with a deep empathy and compassion for others.
Now we ‘learn’ from the insights of others here, from ‘This amazing woman’, and perhaps we can open our eyes to the possibilities of helping others with what we learn. Helping others, after all, is one of life’s greatest joys.
Thank you for your comment… ‘enduring’ life no more… we live it!
Thank you - I have been saying this forever. Mental abuse does the MOST DAMAGE.
My word, my goodness that's exactly what I went through with my ex-husband. I had to go through that with him & his family. I was a doormat for 16 yes. Praise the Lord! I finally broke from that! Praise the Lord I'm free!
“Don’t defend. Don’t engage. Don’t explain. Don’t personalize.”
I started shutting down and stopped engaging in their attacks and rages before seeing. Once I stopped I realized that only fueled their anger more. They were seeking a response and I was just burnt out. At times I would escape to my room to vent and cry but when I re-emerged and seen that narcissistic smirk spread across their face I realized then that they got off on my pain.
My mother is all about image. Her attacks on my weight, style of dressing, even my hair are endless.
I love how Ramani shows her humaness by saying even she still gets played. She's so expert in this topic so it makes me feel more compassionate towards myself!
Narcs take every opportunity to suck out the life of people. I guess that's part of why they are sometimes called Energy Vampires.
🙏💖
Yeah I need that too... dealing with it and dealing with my own stuff is so difficult and feels like there is no one to trust but if the good Dr can be played then makes sense why I'm struggling with idiots at worst time I my life still gaslighting still invalidating me it's awful. The way they can make you feel bad when u already feel really bad is soul destroying. My mistake has been projecting my good traits onto them, when they don't have them! Then again you expect family to be there not to destroy you. Glad to know I'm not alone that's some consolation and helps keep me going 🙏🙏
Soo true💕🥰
@@bereal6590 I dealt with it everyday of my life by my brother who was a violent narcissist. Who died from a fentanyl overdose about two years ago at the age of 36. And my age at the time was 34. Which really messes with me that he is dead. Everyone tells me I need to learn how to forgive him now. But his death doesn't mean that what he did to me and my family didn't happen. I was and still am dealing with childhood trauma. Religious trauma syndrome,
Bipolar. Skitzophrenia, which those two are really a spiritual awakening.
I love "somebody abusing you is never your fault". Thank you again, Dr. Ramani.
💯 many therapists out there actually blame the victim for their abuse & turn people away from getting therapy all together
@@angellenamay many therapists are abusive
"...we are literally more protective of the password we have for some game on our computer than we are with the most sacred parts of our psyche...", Dr. Ramanni, pure gold, thank you!
A huge lesson for me was learning that I can feel empathy while still maintaining boundaries.
Ive been destroyed by a narcissist who gaslight me and made me feel guilty about everything he has done against me.... I lost my home, my job. and my life turned into a nightmare .I am afraid of this person , I had no idea hoe cruel someone can be just to feel good about themselves.
I feel so sorry for you.
I hope it wasn't people close to u
So sorry you went through that
Key part- ‘made me feel guilty about all the things HE has done to me’
Crazymaking
When they treat you badly.. you are a walking talking witness of how horrible they are as people and they don’t like it
They make you feel guilty for knowing who they are.. how horrible they are
@@MattMussett well she lost her home and job i'd say that's close enough
you will get through this Marcela
Omg... :( so what's ur plan now?
10:38 "Don't give your psychological passwords to them."
I like it. So you need to prevent psychological data breach. Narcissists always scan your vulnerability and want to make use of it.
So true. Get rid of nasty narcissists!
@
Yes! Data breach is a good visual. So, further, set your paywall to a secret cryptocurrency.
Edited to add: She does mention paywall a bit later.
This is the end of the second year I went gray rock with my dysfunctional family. One sib married a malignant narcissist. One sib IS a covert narcissist. Holidays are not easy, yet the lack of drama is precious. I am ready to leave them all behind while I build a new life and a chosen family. ♡
May you be blessed kiddo :)
@iconsnart Thank you ♡ May you be blessed, too.
“There will be so much more evil in the world that the love of most people will grow cold.” Matt 25: 12
Matthew 24:12 not chapter 25. I’m glad I looked it up before sharing.
“You don’t want to serve up your pain to someone that is going to melt it into bullets”. Gave me chills down my spine
Me too.
I save my pain for my therapist. Not my acquaintances, neighbors or co workers. They will use it against you, and I don't let people vent to me or gossip to me. They will turn this around say you said it, just cut them off, period.
And that is what they do.
It's quite a comment. Be safe out there folks
Doesn't it??? Shook me to the core!
It took so long to realize that reacting to and engaging with a narcissist was not just counter-productive but giving the narc what they wanted. In my mind, I thought verbalizing what they were doing wrong--addressing it--was the same as shining a light and chasing off the shadows. But it's just like the trolls online: They want to upset you. Your pain is their power. Ignoring them and steering clear is your power.
Believe me I am finally learning the same thing. She attacks me and then stupid me I react and that gives them exactly what they want back
Well said... I'm a very nice guy and I'm ignoring them now and they aren't handling it well at all.. I really bought into them and really regret it. They berated me so much in a weird joking way and for awhile and I'm so done w that shit.. I was doing well before I met them.. they are so messed up and have brought me down so much.. I fell into the trap and feel stupid for it
There are so many golden nuggets in this interview! I am a survivor. My divorce was so much more difficult than I thought. Absolutely prepare before you leave and get emotional support. You will need it if you have to co-parent. The fight was both emotionally and financially exhausting. Reach out to a women's shelter if there is one available. I did it and feel amazing about my accomplishment. I am a strong woman and I am raising my daughter as one too!
The wound is where the light enters you. 🙏💜
And Jesus is the Light in a fallen world of darkness. "The Light entered the world & the world comprehended Him not." - John 1 🩷✝️🩷
I love her motherly aura 💛 she's been a great blessing to my healing
Someone abusing you is NEVER YOUR FAULT!! 💕thank you so much :)
Too bad we can't click that thumbs-up symbol more than once. I would click it a hundred times for this one little sentence: 'Someone abusing you is NEVER YOUR FAULT.' Words of wisdom!
Any relationship with a narcissist is a true waste of time.
I’ve shared my vulnerable past stories with my ex boyfriend and he got upset that I didn’t share them with him sooner. The reason I didn’t share was because I wasn’t ready to share those parts of me.
I regret telling him anything because every time we argued he’d use what I told him against me. He’d say to me this is why you’re like this because of your past experiences. It’d make me feel sad.
I shared my success of my career with him and he would tell me don’t get ahead of myself. I thought it was just a joke. But it did make me sad he didn’t celebrate with me. I felt so alone.
"I'll be darned if somebody who is toxic is going to be the reason the most beautiful part of myself gets turned off"! Dr Ramani, LOVE THIS! Been suffering COMPASSION FATIGUE big time!! GREAT term!
You're lucky you've never been around a narcissist.
I found the discussion very insightful relevant and all are facts..
I could relate to this inside out as I have dealt with such bullshit
I felt touched, too as a licensed professional
Excellent quote! Amazing power in those words.
Narcissists can remove most of your friends and family in highly manipulative behavior par with abuse.
yes, but dont lose hope, be yourself and people will begin to see through the lies they tell!
I've disassociated myself with family for the reason of topic. I'm much happier and confident because of no association.
This is really sad. I feel like my father really don't want me to have any friends. Now, me and some of my friends are drifting apart.
This is really sad. I feel like my father really don't want me to have any friends. Now, me and some of my friends are drifting apart.
What do we do when they try to mess ruin our reputation and try to ruin our image
This woman has been very helpful with me coming to terms with my toxic parents. My regret is that I did not discover her 20 years ago as I have wasted those years in bitterness, resentment and self loathing.
I had experienced of all that Dr Ramani is mentioning. Too much detailed and incidents to explain, but I am thankful I am out physically but emotionally not yet due to the trauma ( PTSD).. I hope and pray everyone is safe...whoever is reading this, always remember you are enough, you are beautiful and no one have a right to abuse or define who you are...much love and God bless you all 🙏 ❤️
"Someone abusing you is never your fault" 😢
If you're reading this I'm praying something amazing happens for you today.🙏🏻❤
It did, thank you 😄🙌
Thank you a lot of us need something good. Same to you.
Same to you
You too..
Thank you! 🌸
When I would cry to him about how I felt starved for all the things I needed in our relationship he would look at me with what I thought was empathy. When I was done crying and spilling it all he would look at me and say ok are we done here? Patted me on the back and say good luck with that.
I can’t thank this woman and many others for spreading education on narcissism. Literally saved my life because my narc husband had almost pushed me over the edge. With these amazing videos, lots of therapy, my renewed faith, and the love of my daughter I’m getting stronger everyday. I had truly lost who I was before getting the courage to leave. Thank you for this 🙏🏽
I'll never forget when he used one of my awful childhood memories against me when I became a mom. I'm SO glad I left!
Good for for leaving!
OMG you’ve just reminded me of something that reconfirms my ex was a narcissist.
You are not the only one, I confess one of my painfull experience of my teen age, and during court time for protection order, he scream out, outside the court everything, but I kept my posture and I pretended that I never heard any thing, I desarmed him at that moment,at that moment I removed him from my ❤️, he really wanted me to drop the case, for a moment I wanted to I was feeling guilty, thanks for his dirty action, I went ahead and the court granted my protection.
I remember I confided in my narcissist about my traumatic abusive relationship as a teenager. In the end, he made that relationship look like a walk in the park.
@@cindyi8471 same here. I have dated mostly narcissistic abusers because I grew up with multiple family members who were very narcissistic. My radar was completely broken.
“Can we let this go” is also something narcissists say when you point at facts or capture them devaluating you and when you stand your ground.
Or “get over it” is a favorite one my mother always uses. Oh yeah, says the lady who can’t get over ANYTHING. Mind blowing
YES!!! Literally just happened to me in a friendship/relationship. She did something incredibly wrong and just told me to move pass what she did.
My narcissistic boss would say to not take her abusive behavior personally
@@daniellelala5045 You stole my thunder. My wife has said that many many times. They are human trash that don't give a hoot about your feelings, but you better respect theirs.
@@amadapittaluga1487 in other words if I do sometime fucked up to you just act like it never happened
You have saved me and millions and millions lives from mental narcissistic malignant abuse. My recovery has levels of steps of recovery. Today, I’m loving life.
We millions upon millions to open our door and we can see thru the windows of people who are literally evil, Only good can destroys evil. There are many “therapist” but you are so much more. Thank you for saving us! To My follow victims : Embrace all your steps to your healing. This takes time as you unravel your trauma layers. No matter who has been doing this to you and the shock of the person or persons. Mine was complex trauma .
Be kind and love yourself thru this. I’ll be on the same road welcoming you!
Take care my fellow RECOVERERS.
Nobody is born with a partner. So always make the best of life en go your own way. God blessings. Many thanks for sharing.
"You can't leave me because I'M not ready for this to be over. You MUST give ME another chance to prove to that I'll change". -words of a narcissist-
I’m gone no way the verbal off the hook craxy ❤
I've got to the point of avoiding conversation because I know what reaction I will get no matter how nice I am. When there's no end in sight, there's no point in carrying on with friendship/relationship. Too many red flags, too much ego, too stubborn it's, tiring, draining.. Eventually the silence kills. Gotta leave to save my sanity.
Literally feel the exact same way, well said 👏
@@kerstinmiller223 be careful he doesn't stalk you with your device. Mine did. Even though I had antivirus software and factory reset my device. He became a hacker , just to torment me. When you leave ,throw it in the trash. Otherwise he will wreck your new life,turn everyone against you in your community,break in and vandalize your new place. And an old device will infect a new one! He's probably watching everything you do on computer! Be CAREFUL.Watch your back. Drain the battery if you need privacy because they WILL activate the microphone to eavesdrop on your conversations to circumvent you! Sorry you are going through this. I'm here if you need to talk
I can relate to your feelings.....the wisest thing to do for ourselves is keep our boundaries wider or limit contact or just incommunicado....for our own sanity and mental health really.
My cat is the narcissist in my life
This is crazy..I'm going thru this with my girlfriend
Matthew 10:16 “Be wise as serpents and innocent as doves”🌹♥️♥️
Thats why they are called the destroyers.
Narcissists hold humanity and people back from reaching their full potential.
How much more creation would we have if we didn't have narcissists?
THIS IS A HUGE BLESSING!! Everyone needs to watch this. I swore I'd never let a man treat me this way. I was so wrong. I was married to a major narcissistic man. Also he is a manipulating, gas lighting person. These type of people will slowly kill you. You can get out. You can live a life with happiness!! I'm living proof! See the red flags and run the opposite direction of these type of people. God bless you and stay strong. YOU MATTER ❤
But what if he is the father of your child and he is pursuing 50% custody. Then what? I never saw the signs until I had the baby and he turned into a monster.
@@westcoastgal4078 I have no advice but I am so sorry you are in this, all the best and sending good vibes.
@@westcoastgal4078 check out '''Stephanie Lyn Coaching'''. Might help. I follow her yt channel for quite a while now and she is really good. She focuses on all kinds of issues but mainly on narcissists. Her ex husband is a narcissist and they have a son together.
@@westcoastgal4078 Dr. Ramani has a Utube channel with videos on this topic. Kris Godinez ( she is a licensed Psychologist) We Need to Talk has a great channel and has many videos on this topic too. Read the book, "Splitting - Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Narcissist" Bill Eddy, LCSW, JD and Randi Kreger. It's a great book, wish I'd have found it prior to divorcing. Good luck to you and your kids. Put yourself and your kids first and stay strong. Don't worry about being all nice and fair with him - just be emotionally neutral (greyrock) and find the best lawyer you can who is familiar with Narcissists. I made the mistake of responding towards him as if he'd want to be fair, kind and follow the law. Make copies of every single financial and legal documents you have together. Make copies of photos too - my ex- stole both and hid far too many of these things. Good luck, peace and success for you and your kids.
Awesome, me too!! I love my life , now!!
I’ve came to realize that I’m losing my empathy over time. I was wondering why I just couldn’t be there for someone and comfort them or myself the way I used to, but now I found out the reason(compassion fatigue). This video was overly helpful🧡🧡🧡
Thanks for this cmt i was also feeling the same
Play are you getting played this far into the game and I know what is it say do you somebody else when I feel bad for that someone I do 10 to keep trying even when I'm feeling red flags and that's something I've got a work on trying to take care of people a pity is actually so I am very I have to catch that one I sense that somebody sort of pitiful to me I got a copy because I has gotten me into probably most of them really horrible narcissistic situations not all of them but a lot of them they close for pity or something almost pitiful static and they're trying to pardon are often not I was one just called if somebody you know when I had my back so I think it's a lot of us spend a lot of our lives trying to rescue the child like versions of ourselves our child when we see it manifest and someone I think we want to rescue before we catch up I'm not a child I'm in adult I got her I got my trial version and I don't need to let pity oh that was a Tonna bricks right now because her OK are you do you know so much you're so knowledgeable on the subject I bet you never get tricked by no I don't know they will come out like a big red dot and you say that Beautiful wonderful that you said that yeah because I really do think that it's never wanted on it spotting to go as were talking about and I think that that's important to know because I do worry that some people I can't believe I am I've watched all her videos and I'm still falling in this trap so like do you even saying that I think just gives grace to other clubs there's so much shame in self blame in this basic Amber folks have said to me I am so in barest of humiliated I'm saying something you're believing yourself for someone and so no can you go to remember we carry this map of our lives inside of us and that Matheson toys good it's like I think or everyone of us are compasses are a little bit off right because of the things the bad things happen to us that hurts curds I don't always get to make that we do we don't always make the best choices for ourselves doing this and it really is it your willingness to do that what are the illusions of the delusions we fall into take responsibility for those can try to find out where they come from but somebody here is never your fault go I could keep going I will honestly good and people find you so wake up you can find start because there is contact coming out every day anything you wanna know about this it's probably if you go subscribe to the channel the notifications every day when it comes out a lot of people say the side of my face and coffee thing I have a website doctorramani.com do you octorramani.com and there's a sort of like us everything in one place links to interesting articles and important things to know enter videos even other things are related to the topic of coming seminars that we have all of that is available there those are the two places I would Instagram and follow me on Facebook pretty regular contact coming out there sharing other good stuff that people are putting our causes a lot of interesting interesting work it's not specifically narcissism even areas like domestic abuse and all of that related to this topic
Yes, that hit me too. Interesting that you point out that we need to comfort ourselves. Had no idea what that was or how to do that...until I left the narc.
I consider this making progress. I gave up so much of myself always trying to help people who often were not interested in helping themselves.
Having an empathic brain is having a more advanced type of brain
Logic is only part of a decision, and completed only with empathy and emotions into the decision making.
Unfortunately lawyers trivialise emotions and this is also a gender issue because women's emotions are systematically demeaned, as illogical.
Change the law to include caring principles and ethics in all legislation and there's a chance for the human race to relearn how to love again.
Never trust narcissistic colleagues/ managers.
"If people are not listening to you, stop talking to them." - Jordan Peterson
Famous last words of a malignant narcissist after abusing you
" I didn't do anything to you"
"You brought it upon yourself
"You made me do this to you"
Never taking responsibility or accountability. They look to victimize they feel empowered Take back your power
“You don’t want to serve up your pain to someone whose going to melt it into bullets” writing this down and posting it on 3 walls and over/inside the front door.
I think people should talk about more subtle narcissist traits...
It took me a while to realize my ex was exhibiting narcissist tendencies because he doesn’t fit the typical definitions most people give.
Yet, when we fought, they would come out. I didn’t realize I was being emotionally manipulated. So many red flags, but he made me feel like it was me.
I feel for everyone going through a toxic relationship 💜
I have been here too many times. Hearing discribe the magnetic reminded me of something an other counselor had said about rapists and victims of rape. It resonated in me and just gave me my strength back. I am again in another relationship like this and pregnant for the first time ever. Hes making empty threats about taking my child and other types of slanderous lies because I have kicked him out. I already did what she said prior to watching and she has given me hope that everything is going to be ok this time.
Watch Dr Ramani on Med Circle there's 4 types of narcissists and a Covert Narcissist is the word you're looking for.
There are 7-8 varieties of narcissism Dr Ramani talks about, there's youtube videos on it.
That needs to be talked about too.
Than he was a covert narc. Just as mine😨
Narcissist love to hurt the people around them for no apparent reason. They love to inflict pain or to give a hardtime.
I'm going through a breakup with a narcissist that dragged on 15 years. It is horrible to go through when you feel so broken and at fault for everything but these videos are helping me by empowering me with knowledge. Thank you.
I wore sunglasses so he could read my feelings bad or good , it made me feel better at child exchanges custody battle s record everything
Talking to a narcissist is like talking to a fetus. There’s no point. Even my dog has better comprehension.
🤣 your telling the truth!!!! Spot on
100%
but... i believe in talking to the belly... creates a bond with the baby.. lol
A dog is way smarter😊 it’s shrimp level
They deliberately act like they don’t comprehend to further gaslight. If you enjoy that then keep going in circles otherwise just don’t even over engage like the doc said.
What an amazing woman to speak to the people that can’t “just leave!” Her empathy is amazing. She makes so many great points and there’s so much to learn from her.
Agree
But that's a slippery slope. If we normalize people staying in that hell - where does that get anyone in the long run? How is it good for any children involved? How is it being a good parent? Often the victim of a narcissist (if we're speaking of a marriage) is as mentally unhealthy as they are - just at the other end of the spectrum. Codependency is the other side of the narcissistic coin, and that ALSO requires acknowledgment and professional help.
As a survivor of a narcissist abuser, and I spoke my story to other women, and told them . I’d rather be physically abuse them mentally abuse. Because mental abuse stays with you for a long time. cuts, and bruises will always heal, but name-calling will stay with you forever, and even a lifetime if you don’t get healed.
From a survivor who has said the exact same thing in the past, I've learned a lot, and now I choose neither physical nor mental abuse.
Your advice Dr. Ramani about not crying in front of the narcissist is so important. I was told by my ex narcissist quote " go find someone else's house to cry in." My pain was weaponized by the person who was responsible for causing it. I couldnt understand how someone who claimed to love me could be so cruel and cold hearted. It's so hard not to personalize the abuse they inflict. Even harder if you nothing about NPD when these types of abuse are happening.
NPD narcissist personality disorder @44:00 don’t cry in front of the narcissist
"Ick List Friend", my youngest son was this person before I even knew anything about it. I was considering taking back my abuser. He asked me "ok, but why? I see what he would get if you took him back. But what would you get mom? What has changed about him?". He was 12 at the time and saw that man more clearly than I ever did.
Amen children are definitely blessings
It's not only about partners and friends, it's also in the siblings, it took me a long time to realise I had been dealing with narcissists.
Yes! Me too, Aya Khongsai! It took me 70 years to figure out that my older brother is a narcissist!
I can't believe how common this is. My parents grew up w/ childhood trauma I think and now they're narcissists 😶
Yes, I’m starting to realize this. Makes me so sad. What if the relative who has frequent toxic behavior towards you accuses you of being a narc when you attempt to defend yourself? The horrible half truth stories going around about me from when we were very young and under the toxic influence of our narc parents is unbelievably one sided! I only hear about these stories from mutual friends and family and actually never hear them from her, but she doesn’t denigh saying anything and also brings up horrible things my mother blamed me for. I cannot take it anymore! She’s so nice to mutual people except she’s not nice to my husband, but I honestly think she believes she’s not to blame for anything. I need to just walk away I guess 😞
@@babyc.3015 same
Undoubtedly the most informative and soothing talk I e ever heard on this subject. Tremendous respect for you Dr Ramani. You really make a difference to those who need it. I’m a medical doctor for 45 years, and I don’t say this lightly. God bless you.
My Ex Husband would always say, “Why do you always bring up the past?” “Can’t you ever let anything go?” “What’s the point of even trying with you, when you bring up all my past mistakes?”….. one of the self help books explained that we teach others how to treat us and because I thought that I was the problem, I shared that info with him. And then his favorite thing to say was, “it’s your fault remember…you taught me how to treat you.” uuugghh over almost 10 years, I read every book, changed everything about myself that he said was the problem, anxiously kept the house clean to avoid his irritation, served him home made meals everyday, stopped doing a lot of my hobbies because he hated “the mess” of my things being out for a couple days… then I went to therapy when I finally got sick from the immense stress he constantly put me under. Learning healthy boundaries changed ALL of my relationships, I found out MOST people who I thought loved me, actually were only using me. And when it came to me for the FIRST time needing their support, they gas lit me, invalidated me and triangulated others to make themselves look better and me look insane. I realized my friends and family were my abusers all along and they worked together to keep me confused, vulnerable and people pleasing. If it wasn’t for my therapist I would have believed them, she saved my life. I’m still trying to find myself, it feels like my soul has been crushed. But I have hope now and I’m much happier being alone than surrounded by evil people.
Wow! I really feel you and everything you said here. I’m going through the same thing exactly. Except that I am trying to understand my family of origin now and how they have contributed to where I’m at today. Your words have really made an impact on me for me to reflect even deeper is what I’m going through over here. Your words are exactly my experience too. I feel your sister nice to know that I’m not completely alone in this world which I have felt for so long. I felt like an utter failure but I know I’m not. I know I’m an amazing person and this is one of the reasons why he chose me. This idea Makes me feel better. I am married to him 18 years and we have been together for a total of 24 years. It is so painful to look back in this 24 years which is half of my life and realize that I have been struggling for no reason. that I have been in love with someone who has been only out to ruin me for his own ego supply. Meanwhile, all i did was love him very deeply as deeply as a human could love someone else. My journey has now taken me to reflect even deeper on myself and my own issues, which I cannot deny I have given the situation I am in. I have three beautiful daughters in this mess too. I cannot believe that none of my dreams have come true. My life is such a painful reality. When I think about divorce, I come terrified because he has made me financially dependent. Another dream not realized. I have no money to leave and being a mom to three daughters leaves me dependent even more as they seem to get sick every other week. It’s very sad to think of ending in my marriage as I love my being married and having a husband to love deeply. 😢 anyway, thank you for your comment. I identify so much with it as you can see. I wish you peace and I will think about you and pray for you often.
@@carolc6195 Sounds like codependancy.
I feel like I just read about my marriage x
I see what tour saying. More power t you and your healing.
Oh Honey, I hear that strength coming through! ❤❤❤❤much love to you
Wherever you may happen to be at any given time especially at social functions like family reunions when a narcissist or someone you don't like leaves it's like the trash took itself out.
I grew up with a narc mother. I used to beg for a physical punishment instead of the psychological torture. I went to therapy from my early teens because she was convinced and accused of being evil, yet nobody helped me. In fact, they helped dismiss my abuse and gaslight me. I am almost 40, and only now am I realizing what was going on. I am not worthless. I was a good daughter.
Hugs
Sending Love Your Way!!!!
You were probably 'more' than good. I grew up with the same messages.
💕
You were a good daughter..... don forget that it was never your fault!!
I love that..”they don’t pause, they reload”…that is so true!
It's cruel what narcissistic people do to their victims. The devil spirit operating in them seeks to devour, kill, steal and destroy. To every survivor reading in the comments, do not focus on time wasted. God restores the years the locust have eaten. You are superhuman to have survived and escaped that troubled soul. Stand in Your Power! I have hope in my dreams still manifesting. We have to remember sometimes God will hold our blessings until those toxic individuals are far removed so we can fully receive that which is ours.
Rescuing your child self is definitely what makes me vulnerable to the 'pity ploy'... A great revelation!
"Empathy doesn't mean being a sucker, empathy is understanding whatever happened in your story that brought you here I'm so sorry and I really hope the path forward takes you to a place where you can work on this I really do, but not on my time."
That's very sweet and all, but reality is the 'suckers' which is how they look at people need more tips and guidance of survival and the abusers need to be held accountable, need to make=up for what they've done and be able to publicly admit what they've done. It's always all about what the victim is supposed to do.
Words can hurt as much as a slap in the face.
Or more. I had both but only the words still hurt.
More. Pain fades, the words keep echoing in the mind
@@melodienaber3238 Same here.
Words are gut wrenching. And last.
That's the truth.
Man, the vulnerable narcissist..I knew my ex husband (we share a child, so still have to be in contact) was a narcissist, but hadn't heard that term.. Really clicked for me. Thank you. And the relentless nature when you're trying to leave.. And even now 14 years later.. So spot on. Wow. Thank you so much both of you. Super helpful ❤
1. "Is there anything you would like to tell me before we start."
2. "I'm gonna change the way you feel about me."
3. "This is gonna hurt you more than it hurts me."
4. "You're not sorry, but I'll make you sorry."
5. "You're gonna learn the true definition of suffering."
6. Oh pipe down. It's only a flesh wound."
7. When we're finished, you won't recognise yourself."
8. How you like me now?"
9. (With Southern Baptist fervour) "I'mma gonna deliver your soul unto Satan fer the des -Truction of the flesh."
10. "It rubs the lotion on the skin, else it gets the hose again."
That message at 28:45 made me cry. I grew up with narcissistic parents and became a people pleaser. As an adult, I've been in several abusive relationships with (surprise!) narcissists, put up with sexual harassment in multiple workplace including the toxic military environment, etc. When I graduated at 33 with my second degree, I dropped out of "life" to become a NEET where I work part-time from home...far away from people in my own safe place.
I can relate and now I’ve learned a new word NEET thanks to you. God bless you
@@msmiami9791 🙏🏼❤
I rewound that part multiple times.
@@daifukurinn Bless you. You are strong. Live well in peace dear. You've earned and more.
So sorry that you now feel secluded, start slowly go out meet new people, not everyone is a narcissist.
"They say just enough to plant that seed of doubt, that you're one that ends up cultivating that seed." Wow. Mind blown. So freaking true!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Because insecurity lurks within all of us and the narcissist knows it. Its so twisted but once you know it's so easy to see
I agree with everything. I'm 50, but for the first 30 years of my life ( as a child and young woman) living near, around my narcistic mother.... Like living at the depths of hell, that is painted as golden cage.... One of the reasons of moving abroad was to be as far as possible from her....I studied Occupational Therapy, as my own way of gaining psychological and psychiatric knowledge and empowering myself ( gaining survival skills). I also studied theology up to masters and I'm pretty sure, that narcistic people often are possessed by demons, even Satan himself. Hit*er had narcistic personality and we all know what has happened to human kind in XX century.... There is someone in the Bible called Jesabell..... female figure of narcistic, psychopathic personality.... Greetings to everyone here and Happy New Year 2023....
This is amazing ! Dr Ramani knows her stuff and Lisa knows how to interview! This is a gem of a series on Narcissism.