4 things to NEVER say to a narcissist
Vložit
- čas přidán 9. 03. 2024
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT. - Zábava
The only thing u can say to a narcissist is goodbye.
Absolutely 💯
Don't even say that much. Just be gone.❤
Touché! ✨👍🏽💯
@@elizedenaemissd9498💯
@@elizedenaemissd9498 Nah, be better than them and show them how mature person handles it.
Never share with them your success, achievements, goals, dreams, ambitions, secrets, fantasies. They will find a way to sabotage it, discredit you or make you feel bad about it.
100%
Agree 100% !!!
So true !
💯
Narcissism and Misogyny is the same psychological illness
Never show that your bothered by the things they do because they will do it more.
So true!
kinda hard when they are ruining your shit and life
I politely asked my Narc not to keep telling me that I have Alzheimer’s (I didn’t and I still don’t). Not only did he continue to do so on a daily basis, but then actually told two of our friends with me sitting there beside him!
Needless to say, our friends waited until he went loo and then asked what was wrong with him!
@@clogs4956 that's funny! At least you do get understanding from the people around you... My covert narcissist has many flying monkeys.
@@hottew_twat3963acknowledge that you are bothered elsewhere. Just don’t show it to them.
Stick to the weather and share nothing. Drives them crazy.
Grey rock! Grey rock, Grey rock! Grey rack! Grey rock! If you can't do no contact this is your best option!
Exactly right! Share NOTHING! Anything you share can and will be used against you.
😂
😂😂😂😂. Made my day
i used to block my mother's calls towards the end of her miserable life. i loved getting even that she hated it because it gave me some leverage. She also preyed on me sexually, making her a real jerk.
Never share anything private with them as they will use it against you.
What if I already did? Oops
I wish i would’ve read this a long time ago. 😒 saved myself from lots of torment.
@@srh8897ME TOO! I JUST GOT LEFT AFTER 12 YEARS! HE IS A PORN ADDICT LOOKING AT PORN 24/7, FOR ALMOST 50+ YEARS! I HAD CONFIDED IN HIM EARLY ON THAT I HAD AN ABORTION AT AGE 18. ONE DAY HE STARTED SAYING: THAT'S WHY YOU COLLECT RAGGEDY ANN DOLLS BECAUSE YOU FEEL GUILTY THAT YOU MURDERED YOUR BABY!!
P S. HE WENT OUT THE DOOR IN A RAGE SCREAMING YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO STOP ME FROM LOOKING AT PORN!
Lesson learned 🙂
If you truly want to keep your distance (if you can), never say anything to a narcissist. Period.
😂😂
I agree. I dated one briefly and months later, when I saw him at social events a couple of times, I never made eye contact and I pretended he wasn't even there. He was invisible to me. He tried to get my attention (that was funny!) but he just didn't exist.
exactly so!
That's good advice I guess but I'm really confrontational. So the opposite is true for me. Every narc I've ever known tries to avoid me. If they see me accidentally they shit themselves. So obviously I make a point of going over to say hello. Ask them about their lives in front of the 'new' person they are trying to impress. Brutally frank questions about basic lies they have told you usually does the trick. As you can imagine I'm a narcissists worsts nightmare.😄
I am sure you are correct in this. I find, with the narcissist in my life, that it is very difficult tohold a conversation with her, because she almost immediately cuts it off with a testy outburst, which suggests that anything I'm saying is of no interest to her.
Narcissists look at life as a game and people as chess/checkers pieces.
A game they must win at any cost!
Narcissists play checkers. Sociopaths play chess.
Yep. That’s my father.
And this is why I hate him.
they also think theyre smarter than you
Yes, it is. game or hunting, and what they want is simply just winning that THEY ARE RIGHT.
They can't see their own faults. The more you avoid them, the better you'll feel.
Yes! I'm feeling it!
I don't even answer the phone to my mother some days. I know as soon as I'm on the phone to her for 5 minutes I'm feeling so stressed.
"Don't give away your power, by telling them you see it. Seeing it is the power!"
How do you take it back, if they feel like they have it?
This cannot be overstated. Once you know you know. And you can grin to yourself when you see it in action.
Good to know. Glad I saw this before I said anything.
Well said!
@@tyrajones832They may think or feel like they have your power, but they don't. Only you have your power. Sometimes we might lose touch with it, but It's always there. We owe it to ourselves to heal from the trauma and reclaim it.
If you have to be around narcissists (not being around them highly preferred); be boring and stay on the surface with “safe”, shallow topics like the weather and food. They don’t need to know your business and you don’t want to know theirs. DISENGAGEMENT is the key thought to remember. They are always looking to hook you in emotionally.
yes! .
💯 agreed.
Good grief! Innocuous chat about the weather? Not likely! And food? That just leads to complaints about my inability to produce Michelin star quality meals.
Everything is about the Narc or revolves around them, no matter how innocuous you think it is.
Instead, my son and I cheerfully engage in conversations that the Narc is welcome to join. Of course, he never does, unless he can make it about himself.
Bingo!
Yes! "Weather" was my mother's no. 1 conversation topic, and she was beautiful, she looked like Elizabeth Taylor, so people would be rapt, listening to her talk.
The forgiveness is for you to forgive yourself for putting up with their crap and abuse. Forgive yourself and walk away.
The fifth thing to never tell a narcissist, is that the 1.62M of us are planning to form our own little country.
Hey 👋🏻
@@daykibaran9668Hi 👋
@@daykibaran9668 Hi 👋
@@daykibaran9668Hey 👋
Can I come live there too. Survivor speaking. ❤😊
Narcissists weaponize everything you tell them and then use it against you. It's akin to handing them the knife they'll stab you with. They're not as good at reading other people as we may think. They're not mind-readers and they're not self aware: they lack introspection. What you don't tell them is powerful. The pleasure in calling them out is fleeting at best and the power you hold by saying nothing is worth far more to you.
Well said.
When I had to stay with a narcissist for a few days, I used their inability to read people quite effectively. I bs'd him, and told him that I was bsing so he didn't really know what to believe. He was very confused and got very frustrated, and it was honestly hilarious to watch his little brain break.
This 💯💯💯
Don't play to win. Play to endless stalemates and make them wear themselves out with their own nonsense. It works.
Exactly THIS! They will often think they are fantastic at reading people or getting people to do what they want through manipulation. They treat people who can anticipate someone else’s needs like they are the mind readers, when really it is just patterns of observation. If you are an empath, or a great anticipater of the people around you, it’s a good sign you are not one of the narcs, and it helps you see the patterns of their behavior to avoid handing them the knife. You might still send a butter knife their way but it’ll hurt way less when it comes back at you. It’s like in school when they tell you not to rise to a bully’s bait because they won’t get what they are looking for and will tire of attacking you. Eventually, you just pity them because all they have to hold on to is that delusional world that only exists in their mind, that thinks that the world is out to get them or that they are the greatest things since sliced bread.
Don’t teach them how to push your buttons. If they know where your buttons are, they will push them.
Amen❤
He would say that I escalated arguments and that I knew just which buttons to press. I soon realised this was pure projection...
1/ Never Say To A Narcissist It’s All About You
2/ Never Call A Narcissist A Narcissist
3/ Never Ever Share Good News To A Narcissist
4/ Never Say To A Narcissist Stop Playing The Victim.
This Sends Them In A Rage And They Can Become Dangerous!!
1000 percent
Anger is their *Justification
@@sallyjaynes2433 Absolutely
Sometimes they want to be the victim and are proud of the label for sympathy attention
Narcissism and Misogyny is the same psychological illness
The only way to defeat a narcissist is to leave them and never look back.
Confront them in the moment of cheating....then walk away. That's true revenge of letting them know they are garbage and youre telling everyone. Expose them.
@LetsBeHealthy_
Not when they use your beloved children for an evil foster/adoption industry profit. What if they do everything to prevent you from leaving them even if they are not in any relationship with us?
@@clintonnagy1662 Confrontation is useless in betrayals of all kinds. Exposing more effective, yet they can be so dangerous when called out or infuriated.
Alot of narcissistic people like to call other people narcissistic and then pretend to be the victim. It's super twisted. Becareful of these individuals.
This happen to me and i did the narcissistic test and man some of the question shock me,
Absolutely right! 12 years experience of living that kind of person! Over reactive, no memory, don’t care of future consequences, live oneself,… no word to explain. Not sure how many years more to go😂😂😂
It took me years to know, and only after the supplier moved out. Now, I'm the target. He just had a narcissistic meltdown today. Again. What surprised me was when he told Me that I am a narcissist, and that I'm gaslighting. Wow. Lacey
@@richardknezevic7371me too. I believed everything they said and I really believed I was a narcissist. This was so painful and I’m still recovering, sometimes Im so unsure of myself.
You hit the nail in the head.
Forgiving a narcissist… That is like forgiving, a dog for being a dog. It’s pointless, that is their nature, and they are what they are. Likewise, with a narcissist, we must radically accept that is who they are and they can only do what they do so there’s nothing to forgive. When I was married 30 years to my narcissistic husband, I developed a mindset of “No expectation, no disappointments.” it saved a lot of heartache and drama.
Totally agree!
So well said!
Perfectly said!
You don't need to change a narcissist. You do deserve to be in a relationship where you are valued if you want a relationship
@caligirl9403 so happy you only wasted two years on that narc partner of yours! I wasted six... But hey we both learned something in the end so chalk it up to a lesson learned :) If you don't mind me asking, what part of Cali do you live in? I'm in North San Diego myself!
Narcissists know what they doing is wrong
I guess that's why he freaks out when i call him out. Freak out is an understatement. It just happened last night
They absolutely know! That's why they act differently in front of others than they do with us. They want to put on a good front, and they know what they're doing is ugly and wrong.
They are aware of what they are. They don't like being exposed.
No, some are NOT aware and think they are PERFECT and it’s the rest of us that are screwed up!! I have a mother who does not realize that she drove her whole family away, including her own parents, because of her strong narcissistic traits She still continues at age 78…
This is a false assumption. There are some who recognize that what they do does not align with the outcomes they expect, but most have a pessimistic view of the world, and think people are out to get them and take them down a peg. No matter what you do, even something kind, their brain will interpret it poorly. Their perception of themselves and others’ reaction to them is flawed, fundamentally. How would they know that?
You cant reason with delusional thinking. BINGO,!Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
@mommaboombam3764 Often, so true. Yet what if they aim to prove that you or their victims are the delusional ones just to hurt us? They often try to prove we are the crazy ones to devalue our credibility. Hell, some went as far as trying to drive us crazy just "make us seem" insane. What's their reason to be unreasonable? Also, how does one stop someone hurtful from acting unreasonably cruel? Why do they try to prove their victims are delusional? Do they just hate happy people or hate unique artsy crafts or do they hate love? Why do they love hurting people? Also, why do they love power & control abuse?
I'm sitting in a Walmart parking lot in Idaho reading your book...I can't read it at home in fear of my wife seeing it....Wow...I can't put it down...so we'll put together....I want to thank you! My healing has started with every sentence I read....I'm terrified that my name shows here on the comment segment...but I needed to just relate my simple gratitude...thank you...and may today bring you an abundance of happiness...thank you....
So proud of you for getting the book and taking the risk! You are stronger than you realize.
Get a new youtube account so you can post freely.
To protect yourself, don't use your real name in social media comment sections.
I have to do the same. Just keep doing it…for YOUR sanity.
You can recover! It's so comforting to see another man taking initiative to escape the grips of a narcissistic female! They're evil and will suck your energy out until there's nothing left of you, I got damn near to that point but just know recovery is possible! 😊 Stay strong!
I told my self- centered sister that I am living my best life and am happier than I have ever been. She is horrified that I am happy. It’s hard for her. She thinks I don’t deserve happiness. She does but not me. The jealousy of these people….whew.
Me too. I went thru a divorce. AND I'm pretty sure she (a sister) was hoping I'd end up a bag lady... She was so pissed I didn't... And that I won't tell her anything. Ever! She tries to grill my son's too-- except they won't see her either She is evil to me
My mother is the same way, horrified that I am happy. It's hard for her too!
The present i’ve got from my sister and mother after being discarded by a very abusive and manipulative narc and left with a 2yo son is -> well you see you are so worthless that even child didn’t help you to keep a man.
@@TheJdsb That's awful, I'm sorry that happened to you. Keep your head up and stay strong. I'm coming to a realization that the narcs in out lives can't change. Unless they go to therapy, maybe? But they have to realize that they are the problem....and that's soo difficult with these Narcs. We're the problem they don't see the destruction that is caused onto others by their behaviors. Some people have to go through years to get the strength to stand up to these Narcs so I think God spared you years of pain by having him leave.
My MIL-she's exactly the same
They have a rigid personality style which is not good for any kind of relationships , or any kind of conversations
This
I made the mistake (once) of pointing out he was projecting. The hostile response was shocking.
Done the same thing. Backfired? Crowned myself as queen of all errors....
Yea my narc lost her shit. Tried to say I'm projecting by calling her out as projecting 😂 didn't even make sense but definitely not worth the rage and snark that ensued all day
I was 11 in the 5th grade. My teacher taught the class about projection. My mother started calling me all these names & i told her about projection, she really exploded. Might have hit me.
Avoiding them is the best solution
1:03 Do not call them a narcissist.
3:24 Don't tell them that they're gaslighting you.
5:46 Don't tell them that you don’t think they can change.
9:26 Don't tell them that you don't forgive them.
Trust me, Don’t do it, cause it just gets worst.
Once INFJ does the door slam on this bs life is better.
Don't tell them that you will leave them. Hide it as best as possible until you can. I am still trying to leave him but working on it as I live in a foreign country.
Thanks. Sometimes all we need is a memo.
Thanks for this. I really don’t get why those posting videos titled “N signs/things…” don’t have the courtesy to include chapters or at least a list in the description.
5. Never tell a narcissist anything. They don’t deserve access to you at all anymore. Go no contact for your own sanity. I know this bc I went no contact, but then caved & talked to the narc, & I made all 4 of these mistakes. Now I’m emotionally exhausted by his lies & empty promises. Back to no contact, hopefully for good. Thx Dr. R.
I like the idea of the “slow drift.” It’s the safest way to leave the relationship. It may take much longer than you wish, but it does eventually work. The narcissist loses interest because you offer him nothing and so he has nothing to gain.
Once you take away their supply, they become disinterested because you no longer serve a purpose for them. I like that idea of the "slow drift", too. I'll have to remember that!
Agreed, if you have the good fortune to have your own place, money, job, interests (even though you may have lost interest in those) and can hold them at arms reach a little more at a time it will be easiest and you tend to notice, hey, I feel better the longer I'm away from them. That should've been a big tipoff to me. It wasn't but every time he shouted me down, hung up on me, threw an emotional grenade at me then turned off the phone it got that much easier to simply not respond to communication. How I wish I'd done so before the damage was done.
@@user-vq1ct3wm4y YES: living separately--the longer away from him, the BETTER I feel. Physical health improves as the emotional abuse has a hard limit. Emotionally detaching has saved my life.
If only the drift and fade were that simple. Narcissistic injury is real and will have the last, hateful and harsh, word.
"No gaslighter thinks they are gaslighting" thank you for this
I hope that if youre reading this, that you are ok. It's very difficult after a relationship with a narcissist. The recovery will be challenging. Be kind to and patient with yourself. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Love to all of the survivors
NO RESPONSE IS THE BEST RESPONSE!
Just a thought: laugh at them. And keep laughing. They’ll become enraged, and leave. 😊 It’s a win win for you because laughter is good for you.
- Be fully prepared for the enragement though! 😅
Only do that if you enjoy drama, or are moving far away and never coming back.
@@caligirl9403 So sorry you had to go through that. Yes, most criminals are narcs. And narcs can “fence you in” before you know it. I have a friend who’s in that situation right now. He’s closed her off from just about everyone she knows, but her fear of being alone leaves her friends unable to penetrate what looks to others like a perfectly happy relationship because he “does so much for her.” He’s seen as a “giver” And probably even believes his own b.s. He’s turned her into believing she’s an invalid who can’t live without his “help.” She uses every justification you can think of to defend him, but then whispers her complaints about him to others. It’s very frustrating because she was once a vital, feisty woman who now comes off as a p.in the a. whiner. Nobody wants to hear it any more because nothing changes. And he curries favor with everyone around them., so a lot of people see him as a “saint”. Eye-roll!
I do that to my NPD mother. I never dared to do that for 40 years as it took too long a time to understand what is NPD. Now she is old and I dont live with her, I have the liberty to laugh my heart out to her.
I don’t know about the laughter, it can really trigger a violent response, and nobody needs that on top of the abuse already….
Be a little mysterious; will drive them nuts.
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Scam. They're really going the extra mile these days
Beware. The email at the end and that this same exact comment has been posted on several other videos makes me think this is a scammer.
I noticed this comment before as well.
C7
*Literally describes what I’ve been feeling. It’s hard to not feel crazy when you have people tell you they’re so lovely & loyal… they have no idea what this person is like behind closed doors. Love the content it makes me feel less of a bad person for not tolerating the narcissistic abuse*
Just keep being you ❤
Realizing that everything they told you that made you fall in love with them was a lie. You fell in love with a lie. So to believe that you can get back that 'feeling' or get back'the way it was' just remember it was never real. You fell in love with a fantasy. What theyve done to you has made you lose precious time that you can never get back. And when your life has passed you by its gone forever.
So sad and true. You can never "get back the way it was", because it ever "was" in the first place!
Relate 💯 😔
Forgiveness is me forgiving myself for thinking I could survive an unhealthy relationship with individuals who lack in self awareness. Love myself enough to walk away, or gray rock family members. Surround myself with healthy,safe, and kind friends.
I have the duty to save myself first.
Yes! I love this sentiment
Put your own oxygen mask on first.
I got tired of sharing good news and her twisting it and turning it into something i needed to defend. Her insecurities couldn't stand hearing me happy
@doxiemomma8207
Exactly! Why did she make happy fun things and good news into something that seems as if its bad? It sucks to have to defend so many innocent actions as if anything was wrong? Is that lousy jealousy? If such people actually loved us, they would want us to be happy, not miserable.
Narcissistic people rarely change. The biggest danger I’ve faced throughout my life has been in the evangelical church where well meaning pastors tell abused women to just pray for their husbands to change or have God change their hearts. This puts more pressure on the abused spouse and doesn’t put any consequences on the abuser. It’s not biblically based advice and it further abuses by raising false hope or making an abused person feel worse when the change doesn’t come. It’s my opinion you’re dealing with demons and never did Jesus pray for demons! He cast them out and told us clearly to have nothing to do with evil people. I love Christ and the church but I will not sit quietly by while it does more harm than good out of ignorance 💜🙏
You are spot on! We are to have nothing to do with evil, this is what Jesus Himself told us.
Well the point of Christianity is to control people and oppress women. That’s why they told you that.Why would you believe in a religion that tells you that you are inferior and tries oppress you? That makes no sense.
amen sister!
Amen!🙏
I hate that expectation so much. I recently heard, "We serve a God of resurrection, so he can resurrect your marriage." It's satanic hatred of victims disguised as piety.
Jesus and Judas were never reconciled even though Jesus loved Judas perfectly. Judas never repented and Jesus didn't make him. What hope do mere humans have? No repentance, no hope of reconciliation. The end.
Now if only these lousy pastors would actually read the Bible they claim to love so much.
I said all the wrong things. And it was an epic disaster. You are amazing Dr. R
It took me a few years to figure this out. The worst time of my life.
I understand bc I didn't do it perfectly either. We do the best we can at the moment. Moving on with our lives and leave it behind is what we can do. 🫂
Same, same....
I don't know about them not realizing they're gaslighters. I believe
that they know what they're doing and try to play stupid when they're
caught. But confronting them is a waste of time. Believe in yourself.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure they know what they're doing. But you're right, confronting them about anything they do is a big waste of time! And it can make things worse, like Dr. Ramani talked about.
@@christinelamb1167I agree, it's difficult to see that they don't know. But she mentioned something like they delude themselves into believing their fantasy? So I don't know.
It's honestly utterly exhausting trying to to deal with these people, and I already have pretty bad chronic fatigue...
All the best to both of you. Be kind to yourself. These people won't, so we need to make up for it and be kind to ourselves doubly.
@@katyb2793 Big hugs to you! 🤗
The gaslighting, little jabs and cryptic insults, blame gaming,; they know. I made excuses for mine: he's just not very self aware, I don't think he knows what he's doing and that he's hurting the woman he claims to love. When called on it they get angry and even violent. They know.
They really don’t know though, because for them, it is transactional and about control. They have no idea how they are making you feel. They just know, like a toddler throwing a tantrum can learn, that it gets you to do what they want you to do. There is some debate over animal experts on dog memory. What they have come to find out is that dogs remember the rule, but not the incident that created it. I think narcissists are like this. When a person does this, I do this and they stop doing the thing I don’t like. Perhaps malignant narcissists are the ones aware enough to know they have the tools to hurt people with the least amount of desire to not do so, but I’m pretty sure, they think they are always in the right when gaslighting, like the delusional compulsive liar who can pass a polygraph because they truly believe it.
Thank you for stating we do not have to forgive. I do not forgive people who purposely harm me emotionally.
same
Sadly, I already did those things years ago. He learned a new word from me one day. It was "Gaslight", and he promptly looked it up. With glee he started saying to me and everyone else that I was gaslighting HIM.
Good news is that he gave you good reason to leave him behind, and anyone foolish enough to not hear your side of the story. Just be careful going forward, make the most of the cards that are already on the table and the one in your deck. Don't piss him off, they can be dangerous!
Dr. Ramani, you are amazing and have helped me so much! Thank you! I am a 50 year old woman who is still afraid of talking to my mother. I began ‘standing up to her’ (that didn’t go well) at age 30 but didn’t get what I was dealing with until my 40s when a therapist literally stood up as I was babbling away about something (unrelated to my mom) and said “Your mother. I think you were raised by a narcissist mother!” At the time, I didn’t even know what the therapist was talking about. And then she helped me some with that and then I found you online and you have been a sort of life line for my sanity in dealing with my mom. Thanks!
@@caligirl9403What’s helped me most, is continually learning from experts about narcissistic abuse and specifically, about adult children of narcissistic mothers. Read: “Will I Ever Be Good Enough…Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers”, by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. Was a game changer for me. Keep learning and healing 😊
My mom is a narc too! Very difficult, and totally managed to poison my siblings against me and brainwash my father. It's sad but there's no changing her
@@gm7011It is sooo sad. I often feel like I’m under her spell even when there are months between texts or calls. If she only knew how much she still affects me. I’ve lived a life of oftentimes second guessing myself. You name the decision to be made and I’ll take forever to make it. Knowing that your own mother’s love is conditional is awful. I feel for everyone out there who is trying to educate…and ‘arm’ themselves, against the narcissist in their life.
@@caligirl9403Aren’t we all blessed to have found Dr Ramani? 😊 At least we know we aren’t imagining things about our narc moms now and that we aren’t alone. Thanks for commenting 😊
@@caligirl9403 wow thank God I got someone in common with me dealing with this! I've been dealing with this for 12 years now with them, and like you said no change. Both siblings are the same, no change whatsoever in 12 years. Father is on their whole side, nothing I do pleases these people, and it's Terrible to have relatives like this but I realized a long time ago I didn't choose them, and that I can scream from the top of mt.everest for them to change and it won't happen. The guilt I dealt with for years about not having a great relationship with my mom came because I have a good heart, not because she did anything to deserve it. Everyone always says it's your mom you can't be like that, they play the mom card, but it's so hard when the maternal figure in your life is a Narc. People don't really realize this, I think someone has to experience it like us in order to fully relate
My narc mother said my narc ex dumped me because I was crazy. Dr Ramani is right. Just don't tell them anything. There is nothing one can tell a narcissist in confidence.
My narc mother would do this. Supposedly giving me lessons on how to keep a man. She'd interfere in any relationship I had, when I broke up with them because of it, she'd argue with me & say, - this is the reason why ____ left you. 😄😆I stopped dating until she died. 7 years of me being single, she couldn't stand it, then all of a sudden she wants grandchildren. But at the same time. I wasn't dating, but just on the phone. She's listening to voicemail messages. Running answering the phone before I could & asking questions about the guys that was none of her business. & Didn't like any of them. Then preaching about fornication & possibly being unequally yoked. 🙄😄
My narc mother would do the same thing. She'd goad me into breaking up with them & when she'd argue with me, she'd say, that's why he left you. 😆🤣
My mother has always tried to make everyone feel not good enough. Her favourite saying is "What a family this is"! She has always compared my father (rip dad) and her children and grandchildren to her sister's husband,kids and grandkids. She has always been a 'victim', nothings ever her fault.
When I stopped forgiving him is when I was able to leave.
I'm going to say something horrible. My mother is in her eighties and her life long narcissism is now wrapped in her "poor little old lady" routine. I'm watching her control everyone just like she has me all my life. The point is she is an old lady and people say I'm lucky to still have my mum around but the longer she lives the more I feel obligated to help her. She told me a few years ago I "abandoned" her when I emigrated to another country in my 20's rather than be proud of me. My world won't change until she is not here and that is the reality.
My mother too was just like that never showed any affection and was judgemental and rude actually up until she passed at 88 we had a troubled relationship I can't tell you how difficult it was in my later years to honor her as I was taught to do but I cooked for her took her shopping sat for hours a week visiting. I had years prior of horrible thoughts concerning her and I continued to ask God why were we children of course not children anymore but she made us feel so incapable and we were all a disappointment an embarrassment to her there were people in her life that didn't even know she had 4 children my father passed at 41 of colon cancer and I remember as a child asking God why he didn't take her instead....it's a horrible life and I just wanted you to know your not alone........have a wonderful life my eldest sister is 77 a sister 75 myself 65 and a brother who is 59. He and I experienced the worst because my sisters had my father I was 10 and bro was 4 so he never knew anything but mom we all have suffered from depression anxiety borderline personality bi-polar some degree of mental health issues.i can't write a positive post for mothers day although my sisters do I would feel dishonest and they should too but to each their own.....
@@MelodyBaldwin-gf4vk Thank you for your comment and telling your own story. It's taken me most of my life to realise that it "isn't me" but sadly the missed opportunities can never be changed. Living with anxiety, self doubt etc. My one sibling, older brother, who was always the "golden child" has just announced he's moving away so guess what, she's suddenly being nicer to me!! Think I'm still behind her cleaner, gardener and budgie though lol!
I blocked my inlaws. I can't go without contact bc their son wants some form of connection. Truly the best approach is to pretend they don't exist. It's so much better now they're blocked bc they can't play their games. I also greyrock when i have to spend time with them. I don't allow myself to be alone with them either. Disengagement is truly the best approach.
I hope your husband grows out of this need to kiss their azzes. They clearly twisted his head up. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You are a rock star! 🌟
I did it, I told them😅. It came back exactly like you said😳
Me too. Sorry. For some reason I'm laughing. You think they are going to care, instead they push the nuclear button.
I am a live-in caregiver for my elderly narc mother, and recently got a promotion at work. “Coincidentally,” she began acting up and stressing me out with her petty, controlling BS during an important week of training. The stress of dealing with both her BS and work stress caused me to break down at work on several occasions. My therapist pointed out that my mother was resentful when I wasn’t working because I looked like a lazy child, but is now resentful because I’m working and not available to her 24/7. You literally can’t win with these people. When dad was dying of brain cancer, she would yell at him for his deficits, but everyone thinks my mother is this sweet person. No one believes me. It’s insanity inducing.
I believe you totally, because I have the same experience. ❤ I hope we can free ourselves in a not too distant future. Be strong, don't let those silly complains affect you ❤
I absolutely believe you .
Trying to get water from an empty well ❤
“Get a book (I know one)…tell your cat…” 😂😂😂❤❤❤❤❤ you made me smile and chuckle.
Me too
Don’t send them articles about gaslighting either apparently 😂🙈 thanks doc for everything you do!
I love that statement; it makes so much sense in who they are. "Don't go to the empty well, you will never get water."
The Egg Shell Wonderland…
I learned the hard way to never let them know your vulnerabilities.
There was a palpable shift in my world when I realized there was absolutely no potential of having a human-human relationship with my mother or sister. A deep sense of being released. There was no there there.
Same here...I regret not doing it sooner, I now surround myself with people of my own choosing, no longer associating with relationships I was forced into for familial reasons.
When I heard the name tag and learned about 'narcissism', that was the beginning of my healing and that i wasn't crazy!
It’s so rough sometimes when you see the narcissist psychologically harming someone else-usually someone profoundly dependent on them, like a intimidated partner-or restricting that victim’s options in life and you don’t know how to help that person.
I stayed with a narcissist for a few days. He was all nice in the beginning, but spontaneously flipped to being incredibly mean. He insulted me constantly, invited me to a party only to rescind the invitation with no explanation other than that I was "way too weird" to be seen by his friends. Since I knew he was a narcissist strait off the bat, I got in his head and kept all of the power to myself. I didn't take a word of what he said personally or to heart, only simply said "likewise" or laughed it off. He said things like "I went to Duke University, and you would never have been able to get into the schools I was accepted to, and bragged about how great he was at talking and competing.
On the last night, he once again went on a string of attacks, and at the end, flipped the script and accused me of gaslighting him. I laughed, and said "Wow, that is the most blatantly obvious, textbook narcissistic move in the book. Attack and insult someone ruthlessly, and finish the attack off by magically becoming the victim somehow." What happened next I did not expect: He went completely silent and was nice to me for the rest of my time there.
My dad, who is also a psychologist, said that sometimes, narcissists can respect people who stand up to them in certain ways. His dad's new wife is a narcissist, and when he stood up to her, made it clear that he was not someone who could be manipulated, she backed down and respected it. To people in a long, manipulative relationship, this is obviously incredibly difficult if not impossible to achieve, as that narcissist likely has a much deeper level of manipulation and attacks and personal knowledge. It might not really be respect as a non-narcissistic person would know it, but as long as you do not believe that this narcissist is now aware of what they were doing wrong, and has somehow changed, it is sometimes possible to get in a narcissistic person's head, at least for a little while. Just don't take anything they say with any credibility, even if it holds some truth. If possible, laugh off their ruthless attacks and don't give them the control that they desperately crave!!! Be safe everybody!
A powerful statement you can say to a narcissist is ~ " How'd you get along with your parents growing up " The narcissist will sense what your trying to do and say " Fine I had a great relationship with them " ( even though you know they experienced trauma and didn't have a good relationship ) Then you can say ~ " I doubt it, I think they knew full well they gave birth to a self centered jerk " Now the RAGE SWITCH has been activated...
The narcissist I got involved with actually had a NPD diagnosis from a psychiatrist, he told me this quite proudly. When he was leaving, (abandoning me), I told him that I thought he wouldn't be able to travel without me, that he was just not good with foreign travel. That led him to spend the next two years in Mexico! I didn't know about narcissism at the time, I did not research it until after he left, but I definitely said the right thing! I honestly believe that if you ask the person if they are a narcissist, they will tell you, since they think they are so very smart to be as they are. But if you accuse them of it, they will think you are trying to shame them, and fly into a rage. So, same thing, you get the information you need, but one is without the rage.
I wish I had known this many years ago. You are so right.
Dr. Ramani thank you! Number 4 -Forgiveness is not a requirement for healing-has hit me like a ton of bricks and brought tears to my eyes. This was the very first time I’ve heard that. Growing up with a narcissistic father and assaulted by a neighbor my childhood was horrible and I have been told my entire life I need to forgive so I can heal. I never understood that and I never did forgive, but I was able to go on and have a wonderful family of my own. So thank you for saying that.
I held on for too long because I saw glimmers of change and therefore had hope. Screenshots of text messages, or a simple, "Really? Is that really what happened?" when gaslighted was my response. Finally, I said, "I forgive you, but I am no longer comfortable with you in my home." And now we are no contact. I am at peace.
He won't even ask for forgiveness. He's done nothing wrong
We are all in the same game
Just different levels
Dealing with the same hell
Just different devils
Dr. Ramani, would love some phrases to say to enablers who say things like "why can't you guys make up / get along?" or "He/She has always been nice to me" or "It's sad you've divided our friend group/family"
Don’t share anything with a narcissist apart from talking about the weather 😊 actually, it’s better not to 😊 thank you dr Ramani ❤
Exactly. Forgiving them for abuse only condones it or rewards it. Saying they are unforgivable doesn't change them or stop them or effect them and it doesn't make them try to be accountable either. It makes no difference to those who are indifferent and incapable of fixing their mistakes. If someone doesn't care, nor has empathy, nor feels remorse, can't even act loving, nor even try to compromise. Forgiveness or not forgiving them doesn't change anything. Does it get them to admit what harms they are guilty of? It's futile whether or not we forgive them, since they don't give a flying f about our feelings of wellbeing either way. They only want us hurting and suffering, so we are vulnerable to their power, control and manipulation over us.
I must thank the social media and people like Dr. Ramani for spreading awareness. I took 55 years to understand my mother and BIL, who were wrecking our life.
After so much of put up with my mother, I completely cut off on 27-08-2023 . I am at peace now. My only regret is about my father, who passed away as a hated person by children (we took care of him but never loved him😢) due to the influence of our mother. It took me 55 years to understand that , my father was a simple caring man but put down by his wife.
My apologies Papa, I wish I listen to people like Dr. Ramani when you were alive.
wow, this is honesty really really hard to hear, i taught by calling the person out i was helping her realize her perhaps"unintentional" wrong, and possibly she would finally see it and change, especially seeing that her abusive/manipulative actions are not aligning with the religious values she taught me growing up.... this is really hard to hear, but am glad i now know this...... but why are they like this??
I feel it is demonic. If They do not repent it their heart only gets harder
I am at a lost. I have been in am abusive Narcissistic relationship many years ago. When i was out of that it took me a while but i was healed from that abuse and was ready to date again. I am now married to a man that i have dated off and on for years and we have known each other over 30 years. I saw traits but i thought it was just me. Yet here i am fewling what i have felt before and watching this video and reading these comments makes me cry. How did i get here? How did i not see this before now? Why am i taking myself throigh this again? This time I'm married. I feel so stuck in so many different ways i just can't explain. One thing for sure is while i am here figuring this all out mum is the word moving forward in our marriage because i just can't do this. I have to tread differently
Never tell them any of your past , present or future,simple as that.
Some of what is said (in the video) I did to a family member, but then, I had NOTHING left to lose. They were being fierce, really mean. I couldn't handle the abuse, and I didn't mind them abandoning me because they had done it my entire life. It's their loss that I walked away because they could have had somebody to lean on with all their BS, and I would have understood. They decided to play the victims, and I said, 'OK, your wish is my command"; you want me to leave you guys alone, there you go.' Now I have more boundaries, and nobody can mess with my boundaries.
Well, I have to differ here. I called a miserable narc a narcissist 3 months ago, and I haven't heard from them since. Mission accomplished. On the other hand, I don't expose my two remaining narcs because I HAVE to continue dealing with, one family, one work, and with those two these principles hold. All gray rock and firewall.
I made the mistake of telling him that he was gaslighting me, & he turned it around on me & told me I was gaslighting him by sharing my feelings?
Yep! Don't forget, their accusations are their confessions. The longer you've known this, the more you realise how incredibly true it is.
It's a window into their soul and it isn't pretty.
Classic
So Brilliant. Your descriptions, examples, and explanations just keep getting better and better! They "change" for five minutes just to "prove you wrong".
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it
there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.
this is helpful, I will look her up. I hope this works for me too, I really miss her.
"i know what you're thinking>" can easily get a covert narc unhinged.. instatntly!
"Being creepy nice..." YES!!! Just for enough time to 'smooth' things over...
Avoid talking to them if you can. Otherwise, keep your conversations mundane and respond with close ended answers as you plan an exit strategy.
@csfiskus610 Really good plan. Yet what if they notice you begin seeming different? They might try planning an entrapment strategy at the same time. Why does anyone try to prevent us from feeling free to escape?
THANK YOU for saying what you did regarding "forgiveness." For so so long I have believed forgiveness is the abusive person's hall pass back to abusing.
I can imagine my mother saying, incredulous, "Narcissist? What's that?" And really not know. She had no desire for self- improvement because she was already perfect. Why would she need to change?
Exactly. My father thought he was god’s gift to the world.
Yup, my Mom is a grandoise narcissist. She literally believes she is a divine messenger who her lord speaks to and acts through. Nobody is allowed to ever be angry at or hurt by anything she does because she is convinced everything she says and does is her god enacting their will through her. So any time somebody does act angry at or hurt by her, she says that is proof they have been possessed or tricked by satan.
And yet I am the family nut job.
I'm in family court with a narcissist and omg 10 years in to knowing them they continue to play ridiculous games at the expense of my child's wellbeing. They spent thousands to try to fight me rather than allow themselves to be called out by the literal court of law, and somehow it still continues to shock me! The levels of selfish behaviour never end !!!
It’s a circus act! Yessssssss
They do everything behind the scene against you , behind your back , when you are not there or behind you're back they attack you !
You are so knowledgeable Dear Dr. Ramani. Thank you for helping silently crying people.
So right.!! I told a narcissist( a full blown one), he was Narcissist. Gruesome mistake!! . Reactions were wild. Dont you ever tell a narcissist she/he is narcissist. Worst mistake ever. I told him he was a text book definition of NPD. The reaction is unfathomable. Dr. Ramani is an expert. wow!!!!
Never instruct someone else on how to treat you. If they know they're doing something wrong by you, you will have confirmed they are still in control.
OMG I have done all of those things 🤦🏼♀️. I am my own worst enemy
These temporary changes are tantalizing. It becomes a predictable scripted change. The changes are never sustainable. Thank you Dr. Ramani, Thank you...
I always felt like I was on a merry-go-round... up and down and going nowhere.
My husband is a narcissist. I finally figured out how to deal with him. If he starts on me, I just walk away ignoring him. It is working and we are finally getting along.
"Hello" is the first thing to NOT say to a narcissist. Prevents a lot of unwarranted conversation. Ignore that text or phone call. If that doesn't work share nothing except the weather.
Excellent video! I struggled for a year after my ex-best friend flipped out on me and was abusive to me over a few instances. I tried in 3 different calls to talk to her about it in a non-judgement, very calm way and it escalated each time. So, I disengaged and didn't call her, but really wanted to say my truth. I luckily I did not. She later called me a few times, was nasty, manipulative, threatening the relationship was over, she called on my birthday and I was super polite and have not taken the bait any time I ran into her in public or she called. Now, more time has past and it's has been much, much easier. I no longer fret about why I was treated that way or I'd like to say this or that, cause I have rights, etc. I will never call her again, because I know she will never change.
"I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win." ~ Louis-Ferdinand Celine
[Book: Journey to the End of the Night by Louis-Ferdinand Céline
The short-term changing..I'm over it!! Distance kills them. No victim to torture by ignorance, or should I say, it's counter torture to distance yourself because they have nobody to blame-shift to.
I hear you on the "don't tell them they're gaslighting" 🙄 I said this to my cousin and she told me "if you want me to ruin your life, then I will"... three months later she tried to get me sent down for something I didn't do.