The Personality of Victims of Covert Narcissistic Abuse
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- čas přidán 2. 03. 2024
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for those of us who were abused and went through trauma since a fetus stage or 1-2 year old we actually don't even use the midbrain, we just go directly in flight or fight, reptile brain all the way. Not sure if we are just calling them differently though, I am quoting eft universe and Dr. Dawson Church etc. I found, both as a high masking autistic woman and survivor or narcissistic and pedosexual abuse that eft techniques are the easier and most efficient way to shed all of this. Many people don't have money to pay so I find it helpful when people share free techniques for their sake. Good video, thank yoU~
You're so pretty I think I may need intense therapy round the clock with YOU my lovely lady❤❤😊
So happy to have found you and this video ❤
I tried to sign up but it kept giving me an invalid email or password.
Why are you dragging this video. It’s like you are repeating the same thing so to influence thoughts of viewers. If you really want to help others just be direct. It’s like watching to get manipulated. I know CZcams videos are long so but this is like few minutes of information dragged with all the editing.
it takes longer to realise you are being abused when there is not physical abuse, and the person is actually a pillar in the community.
Depends on how aware a person is and perhaps dependent on having a so said partner and social status. The devil does often wear nice clothes🎉
This hits home. Awareness is a lifelong learning goal. And when you are finally aware, you keep on being invalidated. Nobody believes you. It's so hard
And it’s a parent who says they love you.
@@barbarav4046 🎯🎯🎯🎯
This is the absolute truth, especially if you have experienced physical abuse prior.
Self abandonment, toxic shame, harsh inner critic, social anxiety, emotional flashbacks are signs of CTPSD
And night terrors
Sounds like quiet bpd?
@@AV5oh BPD is usually based in.. trauma. boom.
Not all of us fit into this box. Some don't have toxic shame or harsh inner critic at all.
Yes..I have all of them
I’m so hyper vigilant, it’s exhausting! I’m always exhausted. I guess the ruminations of every conversation or interaction drives me crazy.
So relatable!
Yes I find myself always wanting to sleep now. This man really fucked me up
for me, (not promising it will work for others), rumination was solved by meditating on how thoughts arise. First I realized that the thoughts that came up from rumination for me came from a state of mind, not from a logical source. I realized this because many times if I stamped down one ruminating thought, a completely unrelated one would appear next without direct logical connection. Engaging with the thoughts made the state of mind grow and spiral. This might be a good way for me to know if something is required for me to process vs something that I'm having trouble letting go even though I've processed it.
meditation showed me that before a thought is said with words in my head, it arrises as a seed of thought that is asking to be articulated with words. You can feel this when you are holding on to a thought while listening to someone speaking. The thought is suspended, but not articulated with words yet. We are so used to choosing to articulate the thought with words that it doesn't feel like an active choice. Once I was able to observe how this worked for me, I learned how to NOT actively articulate a thought with words. Once I was doing that with ruminating and intrusive thought seeds, the underlying state of mind and emotion would dampen away instead of boiling over. I wasn't stamping away the emotion or ignoring them, I was giving them the space to breath out without spiraling out of control. Since I wasn't reinforcing the thought patterns, the state of mind would happen less frequently.
@@dilutioncreation1317 This is wonderful, thanks. Love how you mention ‘engaging with thoughts’. For the first time, it became crystal clear to me - thoughts are like the weather, and engaging with them is a CHOICE. Positive thoughts can comfort (basking in the sun) & invigorate (dancing in the rain). Negative thoughts can bring a plethora of UN-pleasant emotions that feel like walking in a tornado, or being stuck in a mud bog. If we’re feeling lousy, we can trace our thought, and get clues as to what led up to the feeling. I’ve known this, but now, instead of viewing the thought as a thought only, I’m going to ‘predict’ the emotional weather it may bring, and picture a little emoji with the thought. (Do I WANT to bring that rainy cloud into my day?) It’s up to ME to choose to follow where my thoughts lead. ☀️⛈️🌪️🌦️Thanks!
@@Kkatss Thank you! God Bless!
My mother died on Feb. 21. I am sorry to say it has been a relief. I am the victim of narcissistic abuse.
I felt guilty I felt that way when my mother died. She had a horrible childhood too. I found out after she was gone. I forgive her with what her and my aunt went through I had to.
I felt that way so I did an Internet search and a youtube video came up from Dr. Ramani. She said, it’s quite common for children of narcissistic parents to feel some relief when that parent dies.
I"m glad you're free, and relieved. You put up with so much for so long. You worked and tried with sincerity and love. It wasn't your fault.
I understand your feelings. It was a relief to me when my mom passed in 2007. 45 years of verbal and emotional abuse is difficult to process. I didn’t even know I was in such a situation until I was married. My mother in law is the sweetest person ever. She & dad in law became my parents in 1992. I finally got into therapy last July. It has been absolutely mind boggling.
Mine last year: me too
Why does nobody mention PTSD, dissociation, social anxiety, agoraphobia. That can be caused after this type of abuse
Yea. All these. Only, I don't fear going outside, I just have no desire to do so or deal with ppl.😢
Yes, all those things are true. I find EMDR breaks up those brain patterns, but even so, its a struggle.
Yes, severe anxiety all that. You think you're coping then break down at the thought of going to the shops. It's a daily battle.
A lot of people mention this! You not following the right people.
I experienced all of this! ❤
I’m on alert always. Super attentive, overly anxious, cautious, on edge. Therefore, I read people’s footsteps, how they close doors, place things down, the breaths they take, sighs they make etc….its so exhausting….gotta make it stop.
Same here
Me too
Oh my goodness! Yes! So exhausting!!!
Same! Grounding/centering yourself really helps as well as doing full body scan(s) meditation (The centering exercise by Jose Silva is one of my favorites) getting INTO your body and seeing wtf is going on in there is the key bc the abuse does separate your mind from the body. Most just dont realize it. Noticing how safe (or safe enough) ppl operate is key. You'll feel less on alert whenever a 'safe' person breathes a certain way, sighs etc cause you know no BS follows after
Me too. Sometimes I read in hostility where there is none but they shut a door loudly. But also, my covert narc spouse will deny that he is mad sometimes, so it's crazy making. Can't divorce.
Starts at 6:20
1. self abandonment
2. toxic shame
3. harsh inner critic
4. social anxiety
5. emotional flashbacks
My mother's mom was a huge narcissist. Everything was always about HER. My mom was very traumatized growing up. Her trauma meant that my sister and I suffered the second hand effects. Not much is ever said about the grandchildren of a narcissist, but I can tell you that the currents still run through. My sister and I took parenting classes, got therapy, and swore that we would break the chain. I think we did fairly well.
I’m so happy that you guys broke the cycles!!!!! Our children deserve better!
It beeaks my heart when i see my narc sibling make crazies with her kids and grandchildren
It’s nice your sister and you stayed connected
Oh this is awesome! Fantastic that you and your sister see eye-to-eye on this. Your children are very lucky you were determined to stop passing on the trauma♥! Bless you for your hard work.
My brother appears to have become a narcissist, so unfortunately I don’t expect to be able to work him, and even for myself I don’t have much hope of ever feeling intact and healthy. But I have absolutely seen a difference in my own kid’s development when I put my best foot forward for him. I fake (feeling good & calm & regulated) on a daily basis, just pretend to be what I know he needs & deserves, and oh my goodness I definitely see a content kid when I do that. He and all kids are worth it, not to be burdened by our trauma. Love and courage to us all♥.
I think I am in this situation. Clearly there is trickle down but I don't know if my mom is actually a narcissist or just the victim of one.
100%
Constantly living in anxiety especially upon waking up in the morning.
Oh that’s the worst. I’m sorry.
My mums a narc left me with anxiety disorder it’s a struggle everyday . No contact a year now . I wish you a good recovery ❤️🩹
@@mandymckeown8625 you will get better.
Thank you for the kind words.
It’s the most uncomfortable, hard reality checks. Keep your heart open.
I believe in you.
I wake up and cry for over an hour almost every single day. Used to last longer. I also break down crying several times a day. It’s better than it used to be by a mile. I continue to learn, apply and move forward.
@@amyjones7962I’m so sorry y’all! 🥺 i wake up with anxiety too. Making tea with gelatin really helps. It feels like it coats my throat and stomach and makes it harder to get overstimulated. I stay calmer longer. I hope that helps
I quit singing, laughing and lived on red alert for 15 years. I got cancer twice. I’m out of there now and will never go back.
Proud of you❤ are you laughing and singing again?
Yeah gotta get back to what you loved doing before they stole the joy from you.
Wow thank you for this comment. Cancer survivor here! Feeling like i cant even look the wrong direction for feae of saying or doing wrong.
@@Mplsgurl I am singing and dancing and laughing again. Thank you for asking. I’m creating art type stuff also.
@@listentotheanimalscreamsha1511 For sure, I’m getting there. Sometimes slowly and sometimes I just find myself right there all happy and content.
I describe the feeling as my inner light has been extinguished. Narcissists are parasites that should be avoided at all costs
Funny ( well not funny) how parents should give light but ours liked taking it away instead. Your light is there though, it just has to come from god and from others instead of the parasite family
It is especially bad when it happens alongside a smear campaign because it causes you to act out of character and the flying monkeys see that behaviour
Yes, they are parasites. They take and never give. They have NO shame about being mooches and parasites. They get a thrill from conning and betraying people. No shame.
You become a shell waiting for your death or theirs
Absolutely.
Sleep disorders are also a common symptom.
I haven't had a full nights sleep in years.
Yes! I had insomnia so bad in the toxic relationship I was in. Still do, but it's not quite as bad.
I haven’t had a full nights sleep in a lifetime feels like
@@Myatheroses- I had a sleep study and it said that I woke up every 7 minutes and never went into REM sleep. I moved to a house as far away from people as possible and I finally felt safe. I think it is the first time I’ve ever slept in 50 years. I also have done a ton of work on CPTSD; Neuro feedback, therapy, cognitive processing therapy, inner healing ministry, 12 steps, writing down the trauma, group therapy, exposure therapy, prayer and meditation, breathing exercises, and anything else that someone said helps. Each thing brings a different perspective and set of tools.
I still have some sleepless nights. I still have some nightmares and night sweats but it’s WAY BETTER than it was. I encourage you to take whatever steps you need to take and not give up on yourself. You are worthy of being loved no matter how much brokenness you have endured. Your story and your experience have great value to those just beginning their journey. Our potential is beyond what we can comprehend and we are capable of achieving great things when we strive to start walking in that.
I will suggest you do some breathing exercises for yourself. When we can’t control anything happening around us we can still control our breathing. I used square breathing to help with anxiety which is inhaling for 5 seconds, holding for 5 seconds, exhaling for 5 seconds, holding for 5 seconds. It felt like the stupidest thing I’ve ever tried at first until I started to realize that if I focused that I could control my heart rate and I lowered my blood pressure enough that I no longer needed medication. Also forcing myself to yawn resets the brain waves and calms the nervous system to transition to sleep.
Of course I am writing this at 4 am after only sleeping for a couple hours. 😁 It’s progress and not perfection. But I am off all the drugs and sleep meds and have been for a couple years.
I was a tiny child with dark circles under my eyes. Terrible insomnia my whole life until I got help. Keep looking until you find a professional who understands toxic family systems, narcissistic abuse and cptsd.
The loss of executive function that narcissistic abuse has caused is the single most destructive manifestation of CPTSD for me. It turns business and personal life into a wasteland because important things just never get done. If coercion has been a component of your relationships, this is especially true. When the narcissist disappears, along with them goes your means of command and control. It can be extremely difficult to learn to think independently and execute tasks, and life can become a place cluttered with broken functions and institutions. This has been by far the most vexing and depressing part of recovery.
Definitely. I now have an ADHD diagnosis, but I often wonder....
@@sarahlongstaff5101Me too! 7 yrs ago as a 36 yr old. It wasn’t until I went for a 2nd opinion months later that I learned many indicators of ADHD also exist where C-PTSD is present
@@sarahlongstaff5101 I don't trust ADHD because it just describes so many things that are normal, i don't believe in it at all and i don't like how they're trying to diagnose everyone with it right now it's what happened with dyslexia in the past.
A lot of the time knowing what it's like the neglect that goes on in today's society all i see is they just haven't learned how to critically think and figure out how they personally do things, and that causes you to be unable to take consecutive function and your own initiative, and it's all connected to your instinct and intuition. You can't function without this if you don't know what to do even with yourself and the anxiety and depression effects your focus and concentration.
@krisamico
WoW that's amazing. It's happening to me. How will I cope out in the real world when I get away from him. Where should I go?
@@sarahlongstaff5101 Gabor Mate theorizes that ADHD is a trauma response.
While caring for my aging malignant narcissistic mother I learned origami on CZcams, bought a peaceful beach scene paint by number kit, and watched numerous CZcams videos pertaining to narcissism. Those hobbies got me through my mother’s mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. Through prayer/ many conversations with God He opened up an opportunity for me to leave my obligation to take care of my mom and I thank Him everyday for the peace and joy I am experiencing. Don’t let learned helplessness hold you back from a future filled with opportunity and tranquillity.
I am where you were. I was no contact for 25 yrs, my mom gave me some money and I went through a divorce and somehow I ended up allowing this to bring me back to having contact with her again, guilt? Anyway she has always had a way of managing things so I am taking care of her needs without me being aware of what is happening. I had no idea she was a narcissistic toxic mother, I just knew I didn’t like her. When she moved in with me, instantly I felt sick. I was back in my old life with her and I was lost, I didn’t understand. Thank the Lord He started to reveal all of this to me. To understand and uncover it is so freeing I am grateful to know. I am praying and asking Him for an opportunity to have her move right out of town, far away, back to where she came from and set me free of this obligation. She is poisoning my life. This ‘victim personality’ is very interesting and registers with me, it explains so much. I had no idea, but how would I? This is how I was raised. It’s exhausting. It explains the terror I constantly lived in, the procrastination, the rage and overreaction, overthinking and not being able to function in school and the coping mechanisms. All of these things are coming back and I just want to throw her out, but I know I have to outsmart her otherwise it will be her ammunition against me to completely destroy my life here. I can’t let her do that.
That's exactly where I am now. I'm stuck.
I didn’t realize that learnedly helplessness was a thing until I saw a video that was super telling…. And now I’m just reconstructing best i can manage to and it’s my faith in God that allows me to keep going.
I DO NOT DESIRE TO BE HELPLESS LIKE A CHILD! I’ve fought that for years with my husband , financial abuse has trapped me here. I really resent that, I know “all the things”. I have NOWHERE TO GO.
@@johnnygizmo4733me too. For years. I’m trying .
Learning self approval was my saviour from narcissistic abuse.
However, I am now experiencing red flag syndrome and struggle to trust anyone who displays any signs of narcissism, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem.
I will never walk on eggshells again.
Yeah! It's become like a "sixth sense" [instead of: "I see dead people"]. It's more like, now, especially after being burned by certain snakes, especially in hindsight, it's: "I detect narcissistic people" -- at work, in political organizations, among certain so-called "friends" (or frenemies), an ex-con next-door-neighbor, etc.
Red Flag syndrome ultimately protects us - it's what will help keep us safe. VERIFY -- before (blindly) trusting someone & giving anyone the benefit-of-the-doubt.
I have been experiencing red flag syndrome also. But it’s not always a good thing because I am now with a good man. I am concerned I could run him off because I’m always on high alert with our relationship. I become super detective if anything, even the smallest thing seems off. I’m making a positive gain on it, but man, it is hard to fully trust someone again.
I trust no one, I’m now in my 70’s.
@@LollyQ. Congrats on being with a good man. Even becoming a 'super detective', 'having to snoop around' on 'high alert' is OK (as others have uncannily & even justifiably experienced this for "good reason") -- it's your intuition, your body's natural warning system that something may be "off" -- if it's not, then at least, your verifying it, may provide some sense of reassurance that things (at least, up to that moment) are copacetic.
[Separately, the hardest to detect, until it's too late, are the highly cunning & deceptive, subtly passive aggressive, hiding in plain sight, chameleon, shape-shifting Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde "wolves in sheep's clothing" (unctuously super nice in public, yet horrific in private) -- who, apparently continue evolving to become ever more wily.]
"I had to teach myself to laugh again." Yes, that resonates very deeply. Laughing and crying were two behaviors that are no longer regularly present in my life experience, and when it does happen, it is manic.
We never laughed. I could get beaten for being happy.
I was (still am) quite the opposite. I'd not laugh in front of my abuser, but when I went to a counsellor I would laugh and joke about the horrible stuff that was done to me. It's a common thing, a protection mechanism - it protects the emotions against getting too involved in the evil. My mind knew during those counselling sessions that the only way I was going to be able to talk about what was happening without completely breaking down in bits was by trivialising it by laughing and joking.
Now I'm out a couple of months, and I still laugh and joke. Partly because I'm very much happier than I was, and I'm also making that conscious decision to lean towards happiness. However, I'm very clear that my sympathetic nervous system just has not got the memo yet that I'm safe. If I talk about what happened to someone, I'll end up shaking, even while I'm cheerfully talking. I was talking to a friend who happens to be a doctor, and they got concerned and started feeding me sugar. I'm waking up a couple of hours earlier than I want to in the morning, and I can't get back to sleep. I'm crying at profound songs, which I have never done before. And six weeks ago I fell off my (push)-bike, bashed my knee a bit, but had the most extreme sympathetic nervous system shutdown I have ever seen - my vision went black, my arms and hands went stiff with pins and needles, and I shook, and it wasn't until two hours later I was able to get up and limp.
I'm keeping myself going by being busy. I don't think that's a long-term strategy - I'm going to have to relax at some point.
I use to describe myself as easily amused, I use to laugh at everything....same I could never tell a joke because I would giggle trying to tell it. Same with crying, I don't cry anymore.
Same! Heavy on the manic. When I first started crying again i went WILD with it. I cried over any and everything. Feels so good to cry, but now I know how to regulate my emotions better
@@matthewwakeling4978 Hey Matthew, I can relate 🙏🏼 The shaking is actually a good thing. It’s your nervous system trying to release the traumatic stress. If you want to shake on purpose, you could do TRE (Trauma Release Exercises). There are plenty of these TRE exercises available for free on YT as well as Vagus Nerve reset exercises, but there are also professional therapists who use TRE as a part of their treatment, if that feels safer for you. That shutdown you had sounds intense 🙏🏼
Take care, Angi 🙏🏼🌺
You were so blessed to find a therapist who knew what was going on. 🌸
So true 🎉
Yes indeed.
Very lucky. I had some miss it because they didn't want to break a marriage.
@@lililululalabooboo A lot of these 'therapists' are wack. No one could spot what was going on years ago smh even went as far as to say the abuser was my 'safe space.' Ah hell nawl
@Sigrid I had the same thought when she talked about what her therapist told her. I would've loved to find a therapist that.
I have to learn how to laugh again. My happiness and joy is quiet but real, but there is no overt expression of playfulness or laughter. I had one good laugh and my stomach muscles hurt.
I hear you
Same boat. My narc parents are both so serious and couldn't take my eccentric sense of humor and often got mad if I was laughing or joking around too much. Around family and other people, I was told and conditioned to be serious, mature, and adult like (even though I was 10). People assumed I was a serious quiet person and had no idea I was funny. Now as an adult, I feel like an emotionless robot. I'm also trying to learn to laugh and have fun again.
@@kimberlychristine9284 We can do it. I can remember falling down on the ground with laughter when I was a teenager. Anything made me laugh when I was with my good friends. I particularly laughed hard at the Hallmark greeting cards. I have no idea why except that I was free to be me!
@@kimberlychristine9284let's all go to another island together.ive suffered severe abu*e and r**e and was around these angry hateful ppl too my whole life but I LOVE TO see ppl happy and to hear laughter.... I can't stand evil people... ❤ please remember you're allowed to be happy. Don't look into those evil hateful eyes of listen to the scoffing and jealousy . Stay beautiful.... and safe!!!
@@ookipuki thank you for your kind words 💖. So sorry that you experienced so much trauma. Sending internet hugs your way. I like your idea, let's go party on our own island and dance and laugh and be free. 🎉
I completely understand, miss my out of control laughter. I lived for it. My innocence and vulnerability is gone.
I barely recognise myself.
@@user1.8.2.I resonate
While in your healing process, try to spend as much time as you can OUTSIDE of the influence of others. Gain clarity of your thoughts, of objective truth, and keep reinforcing it daily thru revised/reformed thoughts & habits.
Journal, repeat affirmations , use tech to help you by setting reminders that come to YOU, and show you daily what you’re aiming towards. Remember that if you’re no longer living with the abuse, you’re only reacting to MEMORIES. What this ultimately means is: NO MEMORIES = NO ABUSE. When someone has dementia or amnesia, isn’t that essentially what’s occurring?
In your case, if you’re not experiencing memory loss, what you can do is DISPLACE old, traumatic memories by creating NEW MEMORIES thru new experiences. Do things that are unfamiliar and HEALTHY, if your past has been filled with disregulation & dysfunction. As you have these new experiences, you create MUSCLE MEMORIES, and though at first you might feel your body involuntarily reacting to the unfamiliarity of healthiness, if you keep reinforcing this, it becomes your NEW NORMAL.
Becoming healthy & strong after protracted abuse is just a RECONDITIONING PROCESS. We who are familiar with the process know that this isn’t fast or easy, but it will ultimately be worth it, because YOU ARE WORTH IT….that’s why you’re still here-you’re meant to experience a new chapter of life.
All the best to you! 🙏✨💕
MiracleQuantumMoon is such a beautiful YT name 🙏🏼
I hope you find ways to rekindle with your innocence, vulnerability & laughter!
Reparenting my Inner Child helped and I make sure it’s protected, with all their innocence, vulnerability & playfulness. When I set boundaries I am aware that a ‘No’ to others is a ‘Yes’ to me and my innocence & vulnerability.
I bet it’s all still there, hiding on a deeper level, protected by a part of you that decided to guard it no matter what you went through 🙏🏼
I hope you find the key to access it again 🌝💫 🪄 🔮
You can get it back. Your innocence and vulnerability and capacity for joy can recover.
My dad was an extreme narcissist, absolute perfect textbook example. When I was a child he was also physically abusive on a few occasions and there was so much emphasis on this as being the cause of my trauma. My mom and all of the therapists I was taken to were constantly focused on these instances of physical abuse and neglect and though they were traumatic, I have come to realize that the most traumatic aspect of his abuse was not physical. It was all of his lies and manipulation and psychologically twisting my brain to convince me I was worthless and broken. That has been the hardest thing to overcome because it turned me into a highly anxious people pleaser with no self esteme for most of my child, teen and early adult years.
I also could not recognize for a long time when "friends" and other people were mistreating me because in comparison to my dad, their bad behavior was so mild. When other people acted disappointed or unfairly judgemental towards me, I ALWAYS blamed myself, only to wake up all these years later, reflect on it, and can now see how unfair they were being and how bad my so called "friends" were towards me. At least my head is more clear these days, I can see abusive or even just mildly unfair treatment from others that needs to be corrected. I don't have this need anymore for people to like me or win their approval.
I'm so happy you reached a point today where you know exactly how to spot bad treatment from others and dont feel the need to win approval. Thanks for sharing
This is like you are describing me also and my life 😢
your lucky It took me 51 years . I had my first Spiritual Awakening. I am 58 now and have learned more in the last 7 years then I did my whole life.
I relate to this so much, sending love x
i can relate. Heavy on the HIGHLY anxious chronic people pleaser with NO self esteem. just awful & im sorry you experienced that
When I divorced my Narcissist 2021 (16 years together) …he moved out and I was left living in the walls in which years of narcissistic abuse happened. After 2 years of struggling to get out of depression, even though I was soooo happy now…when I came “home” I just felt trapped still. My friends would even say “don’t be a victim” as if I needed to just get over it.
So not only did I sell my house, I moved all the way across country to start a new life. I’m struggling so hard financially now and the future is freighting… but I am so free mentally. I’m gaining my memory functions back slowly. I’m starting to feel those “drives” I used to feel. Like cooking and creating. My anxiety is becoming more manageable and I’m starting to become this person I was 16 years ago. But I had to move for this to happen.
I still carry guilt. Like everyday. What could have I done better? Did I really need to sell my house?
But your message was EXACTLY what I needed to hear for it all to make sense.
I also have been able to see much more clearly, with distance and space my past life, how many others in my life are projecting a narcissistic personality toward me…making me instantly go back to those feelings you explained. I can see now you’re SO right. I stop thinking for myself in a way. It hurts more that those close to me just wrote me off as “mental”. Always asking “what’s wrong?” I didn’t know. I couldn’t explain it. Now, THREE YEARS LATER…I’m starting to understand.
I just knew living where I was, I’d never heal. I couldn’t explain it. No one believed me (or so it felt) so I just did it. I moved. And I do not regret it. But now in my new life …age 45… I’m literally having to start all over again.
Happy to say I’m thinking about MY future again. Im excited about my career possibilities again and I’ve even started writing children stories.
I absolutely could not get my brain to function before I moved out of that house. Until I saw this today I just couldn’t explain it. I just looked “crazy” to everyone.
Thank you for your words. It really means a lot to me. Thank you. It’s a peace of mind I didn’t expect to have today. Thank you
I hear you.. slightly different issues for me, but significantly related to place..
I am really happy for you
Happy you had the courage to get out & now get back to yourself. Wishing you all the best!
Yes. Mom wanted to leave me the house. I told her if she did I'd burn it down. I've been homeless
But not constant. I CAN relate. I won't go to that city. Get crazy if I go near that county. Do really well out of state. ♥️
going through this after 43 yrs of marriage, moving on to live with my daughter and grandson in a different country.
"Days to recover from a trauma response." Yeah, no kidding.
@@softsophisticate- Yup, my sister is a GenX doctor with narcissistic tendencies and thinks she is the expert on all subjects and just won’t listen to me or treat me with any respect but of course demands I respect her 25 years as a doctor even when she is wrong about a topic. And right now I’m in a new relationship that she has told me I need to be in for a year before she will recognize him or meet him as my partner. She is an absolute control freak and is in a deep state of hurt and mistrust due to her own divorce from a husband
who was emotionally abusive and also from having a kid with DS and the husband essentially not being able to handle having a kid with special needs. And instead of owning her stuff, she constantly takes her stress and anger out on me! She also has perfectionist issues so constantly compares her delusions of having some perfect life to me and of course claims I’m a mess and I need help instead of just allowing us both to share our difficulties with each other and recognize that we both have challenges and they are different and we don’t need to compare them! Making comparisons and being in ego perfectionist mode are such blocks to empathy and compassion!
@@softsophisticate- So sorry you have to go through such difficult feelings due to your sister’s behavior and communication too! It really does suck and we have emotionally and physically abusive (to me but not her) parents too and she knows that but for some reason can’t seem to stop being like my Mom and super critical of me! I’m just feeling so done with both my sister and my Mom because as an empath, I am there for both of them and then when I need support they criticize and dole out unsupportive advice!
One of the biggest things that helped me recover was realising that they were not going to change, that they only wanted my resources and distruction. They where 100% committed to my down fall, using your own mind and doubts against you, for 3 years I could not sleep renunating constantly .After their discard..You have to reset yourself especially if you have been a people pleaser all your life. Make your self your number one priority ,live your best life , maintain you fitness, If you are lonely get a pet it will love you .Do a reverse discard go no contact with the Narcs mirror their tactics, walk away and dont look back, healing takes time , do not be hard on yourself.🤩👍
Thank you for this ❤
Yeah, it's hard when I'm the one who set boundaries first, and then they blocked me. It was like "wait, what? YOU're the toxic one here."
Yes!! It took me decades to see this-my sibling was diagnosed BPD age 12 & now I know why my parents wanted me to learn about survival-all my life-my sibling(s) was bent on destroying my dear Mom (emotional abuse)& then later to point of eldercare kidnapping/abuse and he set up lies & projection so when I (with Mom's loving encouragement needed to stay safe from all siblings in no contact)was when I took the first step to survive-it was after all 3 siblings continued literally harassing me (I reported it to police) via texts (one is an alcoholic/who my parents had to protect me from & had already stranded me on a rooftop when I was 4 yrs old)and in person the non BPD enabler one said 'we will slam you with bills and watch you go under...& when your back injury comes back we'll put you away permanently' (just like they did to Mom that blindsided both me and Mom). Then I started noticing what people seeing the situation objectively reported to me: Friends of me and Mom she made in the assisted living places told me those brothers were setting me up to destroy me-objectively again friends for years told me they saw it: from lifetime of being 'set up' to be randomly scapegoated for any complaint offending their or cohorts' 'perfection' justified every put down & private cruelty while pretending otherwise publicly/controlling me and Mom justified their lifestyle 'conveniences' and all thru my response of self critical ways and doubting myself (to this day) but Mom SO loved and believed in me-& now I am free inside-and am pursuing my dreams with my Mom's beautiful example (she was also a US Navy vet/corpsman which was why she said stayed strong when they took her from home). 'They have to go thru me to get to you baby!' she often said & said even more after they'd taken her from home-my Saint Mom was protecting me from them while in her eighties and wheelchair and against her own will at that point out of state from home. Love you Mom (now with the Angels!!!) And with me everyday as always she promised in love and hope!!!❤❤❤❤❤🙏
Every single manipulation tactic all but implies the use of the lying tactic and the gaslighting tactic. I actually dislike it a little calling out gaslighting as a manipulation tactic as it's actually an effect. All manipulation tactics will contribute to it by nature of what manipulation is. Some tactics however certainly take the gaslighting effect to a whole different level. Blatant lies that are so bad they insult your intelligence is one of them. That kind of shit will make you feel like you are in the twilight zone after a while. Here are some of the reasons they do this: To test their control. To feel superior and/or entertainment. This proves to themselves how much control they have over you. In the end, you will give up and you will not leave (trauma bonded). In the process of getting to the giving up stage, you will go through some pretty nasty emotional states ending in massive amounts of cognitive dissonance to swallow all of that. Cognitive dissonance is a trauma defense mechanism where you essentially lie to yourself in various ways so that you can bring back some semblance of equilibrium to the insanity you find yourself unable to escape from. As part of the ‘backing you into an emotional corner’ tactic. This is a tactic where you are manipulated into being emotionally unstable inevitably leading to you losing your shit. This gives the narcissist a big dopamine burst, they feel powerful and superior having so deftly controlled you and manipulated into this emotional state. To finish the little game they play, they make sure to point out how unhinged and unstable you are and suggest that perhaps you need help or medication. Of course, you will internalize all that shame and guilt and the million other raging emotions they have created and swallow all that essentially allowing them to scapegoat their blame and accountability onto you. Bring on some more cognitive dissonance and gaslighting effects. To condition you to expect less respect, and ultimately put up with more abuse. You will tire of the inevitable circular argument trying to convince the narcissist of the blatantly obvious lie and eventually find yourself challenging them less and less as you subconsciously accept the fact that if you do it will just make your life and emotional state more miserable and you will be denied the satisfaction of any kind of ‘win’ even if it is easy to disprove. This is part of the domination process and makes sure all the power in the relationship ends up with them by the end. To turn your mind to mush as the gaslighting effect takes hold more and more over time. This makes you even easier to control. Many times while easy to disprove it requires some kind of concession of some obvious truth that the narcissist can just doggedly refuse to agree with or remember (‘the intentional forgetting’ tactic and the ‘feigned confusion or ignorance’ tactics are often employed for this). So, in fact, it is not so easy to prove when the narcissist refuses to correctly remember what happened 10 min ago or accept sound logic or reasoning. You will just turn blue in the face trying. Of course, in some cases it is indisputable. A phone log or something. My experience is when this kind of stuff happens it wasn’t their intention typically, although sometimes it was. But in these scenarios, you will typically get some sort of angry ‘invalidating’ tactic, with some good old ‘manufactured rage’ and ‘intimidation’ tactics to ‘put you on the defensive’ and get you more susceptible to further manipulation. Maybe something like: “Get over yourself already” followed up by some ‘blame-shifting’ tactics with some good old ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ tactics, like “Why the hell are you spying on my phone records anyway? What kind of relationship is this? I don’t have any privacy? I don’t know if I can do this anymore! You have major jealousy issues! You need help!” You will walk away as the loser either way. There are resistance tactics that can be used but this is a very difficult tactic to deal with and it is one of their favorites. I won’t get into the counter-tactics here though. The only way to really win in a relationship with a narcissist is to leave them and go no contact. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,
I love your understanding here. Do you put out content?
Whoa! Thank you for taking the time to write this! You put into words, what I couldn't articulate.
You have explained the unexplainable. And my emotional response to this was strong. It's pure insanity living with this constant subtle manipulation. learning why and how to stop this is the key. Thankyou
This gave me chills. It's everything he did. The not remembering things and making you feel crazy for being hurt or affected by what he doesn't remember. Accepting more abuse because fighting back just made it worse. I am afraid of relationships now and I'm not sure how to get rid of the emotional flash backs.
Totally, I lost myself, my smile, and my laugh. I'm still not back to myself yet, and it's been a few years
My mother was a narcissist, so this was the “normal” that was familiar to me. This lead to a marriage to a narcissist, but I eventually escaped through divorce. However, I wasn’t aware of the pattern, so I ran too quickly into another marriage to a narcissist! During this marriage, I started researching narcissism, found a great support group, and I worked on myself. I’m so proud to say that I ended my second marriage four years ago, and I am finally living the best life! I’m happy and healed! I’m sharing my story, so that others can see that a better life is possible! Get away, heal, and start living a wonderful life!
How are you sure you’re not the narcissist?
I have an identical story…
@@HuHWhatOkwhat about what was said in this comment led you to make this comment???
@@weleftitbehind5105 because people often cry and run telling stories when in reality they were the narcissist the entire time
It just gets revived all the time. The constant criticism. Fear. Any noise sets it off. I have become a hermit, a recluse. This talk absolutely explained so much. My problem is the return of those who trigger the same reactions.
14 years later and I don't even remember the person I used to be. I really don't. I look at old pictures and its like I'm looking at a complete stranger. But I know I miss that person. 💔
My physical features changed. My face looks so harsh and not soft anymore. I don't like looking in mirrors but I know I need to in order to get back to my old self. Stress has aged me a lot quicker than it should have. I hate that I gave someone that kind of control over me. But at least I know now and can work on making me better.
I feel the same 😢🫂
24/7/365+1/4 years in a row. I need my pre-frontal brain back! Huuughh! This makes so much sense, and is touching a nerve here.
My mother was a narcissist. I never laughed as a child, and I find it hard to laugh as an adult. I feel like I’m not allowed to be happy, or I’ll be punished for being happy. People would tease me and tell me I didn’t smile enough. Nobody ever asked if I was okay. I basically learned to avoid people. I was also repeatedly told I was ugly growing up and now I avoid looking in mirrors as much as possible. I find it hard to practice self-care, because I don’t care about myself.
I got in trouble for laughing or crying. I find it hard to look in the mirror. My mother was all about her looks, and constantly criticized my appearance. Basically said, no one will ever want you. So at 60, I have lived mostly by myself. The few relationships were one sided and abusive. Ive done everything on my own. Just trying to heal. Been doing EMDR therapy, which has been helpful.
Same! My mother was so cruel. Evil. Insulted me non stop. Constant beatings. So hard to find yourself, will never recover.
Yes, exactly. My mother would tell me all through high school and young adulthood that I’d never be able to find a boyfriend. I’ve had very few relationships and have been alone most of my life.
I understand completely.
You're on this video trying to find answers, so it's safe to say you DO care about yourself. You just don't know how. Yet. It looks hard af right now, but It IS do-able. Me today vs me even a year ago are 2 completely different people. It gets better
I know that response! People I trust I see them moving a arm up, and I flinch automatically! And always feel the anxiety!
I still wake up with anxiety occasionally, jump at loud sounds, stop crying and feeling anything when it starts because I still hear him say, "your being histrionic, stop crying for attention." Made me feel like I'm not worthy of having feelings of laughing or crying, and that nobody cares anyway. I'm just now starting to be able to laugh and cry again, and I feel so blessed and so much like my old self coming back. The startles and waking up with anxiety, I'm still working on.
My mom. "Stop being a dramedy queen". "Stop crying". "Do you want me to really beat you? Do you want me to tell your father when he gets home? Do you want something REALLY to cry about?". "Sticks and stones can hurt your bones, but words can never hurt you...." "What do you think you are laughing at?" Funny, 11 years after she died, having processed a lot of "her", having watched her really suffer bravely through cancer, having been her only support in the end, I actually feel deep love towards her. A pure, cleansed love. Though it's still a relief to be free of her traumatised persona. In spite of the fact that I'm left with my sister, who is much more narcissistic than mom was. Two major relationships, both of whom were narcissists. First worse than second. By far. But I rarely laugh, and cannot cry. Want to, but can't. Frozen solid. No wonder my ex-husband, 24-years' ex', used to call me a "cold fish". How do you swim, when he is alternatively freezing and boiling the waters around you? How do you swim?
I’ve developed immune health issues, a histamine intolerance, thank you for your videos the awareness you bring to us is so incredibly important. Thank you for what you do.
Hyperthyriodism, graves disease here.
@@Kaitlin24247oh I’m sorry. Sending you love.
These can be healed by learning how to regulate autonomic nervous system
I also have auto-immune issues and histamine intolerance. I wonder if it's related. I had 2 narcissistic parents and I developed my first auto-immune disorder and histamine intolerance as a young child. And I've been collecting auto-immune disorders ever since!
@@RK-qk7owBut some people develop dysautonomia that isn’t easily regulatable.
I think this is the best explanation of how the narcissistic abuse/victim’s brain works.
A clear, concise explanation.
I feel like fear and anxiety turned me into an angry over reactive person
I can totally identify, especially with the trait where you are constantly looking for people's reactions while you're talking to them. It feels like being a bit disconnected and I let my mouth talk while I make sure the person reacts positively. I always felt like that kept my conversations a little superficial because all that "checking" was taking up bandwidth in my head. Thanks for the video, it was insightful!
I grew up with a narcissistic parent...A few years ago I was listening to comedians because I was so broken, I was trying to help myself lighten up and laugh. I still don't laugh. I want to...
I thought people pleasing was my personality. It's not. People pleasing does not mean that you are a nice person. It means that you think everyone is more valuable than you are.
Thankyou for this. I have been looking for someone who understands how deeply being with a narcissist affects a person.
I am working on being whole and not afraid of people.
People pleasing also happens because that's all you did with narcissistic abusive family members, teachers, and other people as you grew up and in schools especially they want you to exactly do what they say, how they say it to a T no exceptions. They want you to keep pleasing them no matter how much of yourself you are sacrificing and they'll play favorites with the students to try and make you compete with the other students just to get approval from them and to get them to like you, it's an awful culture that is fostered out in the world.
It becomes a survival mechanism because nobody likes conflict so you do it to avoid all possible conflict, and all the conflict you went through with family members, at school, and elsewhere makes you scared of any conflict so you just appease. For me it hasn't come out in good ways i don't try to people please really i just like freeze and just act super agreeable that i can't think, i don't listen to myself and just agree to everything they say even when it's not in my best interest at all.
I've been well aware of this since the awful stuff that happened at my local college where i was just used then tore down to tears at the end, and by being too agreeable i end up really sticking my foot in the same situations again. Even if i'm understanding pieces at a time i still ask myself why this keeps happening again and again and why i keep sticking my foot in it, like god sake it's happened a million times now learn something lol. I'm so frustrated with it that i don't feel safe interacting with people cos i'm not confident in most social situations except a concert or somewhere everyone is just facing forward attention on the stage or a screen and not on me.
I know it's not as easy as that though because the reactions of being scared of people and conflict is so ingrained in there, and truthfully humans are scary because we are capable of anything so it's no surprise why i am lol. They shout louder because they compare themselves to people on the gifted spectrum so they feel they have to be louder to be seen, however that's just not true at all. Nevertheless you gotta be ready to get out of the way or you'll get knocked over which is what i feel all the time is like i'm constantly being knocked over like a herd trampling over me pfff too much for me that's all i can say, we're a resilient race that's for sure but other people need to learn when they're being too much.
you should check out the kill tony show or protect our parks podcast, super funny stuff
I left him about 10 years ago and I still feel my voice hesitate to ask any man a question
The not understanding what is happening aspect is the worst. I had a horrible startle reflex for years until I learned what I was dealing with. Now it is gone. The simple truth of knowing and understanding what is happening is so healing.
I’m 61 and still get startled
My mind says no more relationships... Ever
Understandably, devaluation, gaslighting, never enough, and post-relationship smear/alienation would cause us to cacoon, doubt ourselves, and react in unskillful ways. For many of us, it started in our family of origin and continued with a partner. Awareness starts the healing journey. Relax into the expectation that you have reclaimed your core essence, the "you" before the trauma, and you will.
I always say, “My gear shift is stuck.” So true. I can remember my old personality and high daily function person. I feel trapped in here and when I try to do a normal thing, I get overwhelmed with pain and fear and feel like curling up in bed. I know I’d feel better if I could get some things done, but so many days I just do one or two things and that’s all. I seem to be dissociated and asleep while awake, and then the day is over in an hour.
I feel this wat too, so unproductive, but if i get a couple things done, im done….🙄😳
That's me. Take me fifteen min to sweep.
The narc crippled me. If I didn't have a pet hamster to care for I'd do nothing.
They rob you of everything good.
I try to bragg on the things God has done for me. That's all I have now.
same
“I went so long without laughing” hit hard.
Standing with all survivors in unity.
The best is yet to come.
Sometimes you have to learn who you are. I am in no contact for 4years now.. And it took me ages to clean my body from all that mess
I was married to a female covert narcissist for 12 years. I have been no contact since November. My personality was affected but was never lost. In fact my personality is only going to improve from this horrific abuse. She tried her best to destroy me but fortunately I was too strong. Each day I feel better and better. Now our 16 year old son is another story. He needs help but he doesn't even know it yet. These covert narcissist's are as bad as child beaters. The emotional abuse is off the charts.
Good job Sir. I am glad you got out of that bad news relationship, and I only hope you can guide your son away from whatever narcissistic behaviour he may have been subjected to. All the best to you and you
@@JiddraInteMedZohan Thanks for the very kind comment. I wish you the best also.
Seen the damage they can do. Pretty severe stuff. It's not your fault.
So sorry what a betrayal. You did good. Take good care of yourself and be an example of survival to your son.
He'll need you the most. Life isn't fair.
Proud you spoke out as a guy. I guess. Had a Vet friend that went through this too. He was beaten down from the feet up. But he came out with compassion for others.
He found a support group of others. Did him a lot of good. He stayed with her. She took care of him while he was dying. But the remarks she gave him were so extremely cruel. Oh but she was a nurse.
Whoopie. She was a monster.
Even after he died she was mean and nasty
Stay away from them.
So glad you got out.. Spot on. 30 ears married to covert narcissist, my daughter realized in her teens what her dad was. But still needs much help dealing with it. My son doesn’t. Kick myself for not leaving sooner but did not know soon enough about narcissism especially covert type.
After coming to a safer place, I developed Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia. I was very ill for 12 years.
Same for me. I am diagnosed with ME/CFS and fibromyalgia.
I also have fibromyalgia. Looking back at my life, I’m certain I’ve had it since birth. My mother spoke about having to give me suppositories daily as an infant so I would have a bowel movement. She ALWAYS told me I was a pain to raise. She had sacrificed so much to have me. I didn’t have a name for 6 days. (I’ll be 62 soon. Back in 1962, women and babies stayed in the hospital for a week.) I was supposed to be a boy. I was a huge disappointment. I have a terrific memory. I remember lots of things from the age of 11 months and on. What I don’t remember is how many times my mother told me I was useless, a disappointment, a pain, an ass, a terrible baby. I felt only the slightest twinge of guilt when I was happy she died. I was 45 years old. I was raising our adopted from Russia toddlers. My vow was to raise them the opposite of the way I was raised. They are happy young adults now. Both have permanent brain damage, but our son has a mechanics job & is state certified. My husband loves me, I love him, I love our kids and I’m trying to heal now.
Me too.
This is where I am. Divorced 3 years ago, moved 45 minutes away from my abusers 2 years ago, but now, at age 56, feeling like I'm "coming down with" CFS. How did you recover?
Oh that's wonderful how you triumphed! Btw, have you looked into hypermobility? ehlers-danlos syndrome is the worst case of it, but those of us who are overly stretchy tend to deal with things like constipation, POTS, even fibromyalgia. Just a suggestion.@@smidgentigre
Even though I am separated , I am stuck , still confused and unable to release fear..
Decision making is extremely difficult.
The low/mid brains job is to send us the red flags. When I see the red flags I just thank the low brain for doing it’s job. I acknowledge the red flag and then let it know that it can relax because I can take it from here. I also pay attention to what it’s saying because it is usually not based on the absolute truth. Then I assign a percentage to it. Instead of saying that I can’t trust anyone. I say that I can trust that person 50% with personal information, 10% with money and 80% that they aren’t going to cross into my lane in traffic and cause an accident. The logic of the low brain is 100% and 0%. That’s not a healthy way to view the world. But it’s vital for survival. I have great survival skills and now I’m working on living skills. They are 2 different skills.
I walk in circles. I live in a super tiny space. It shouldn't even be possible to be that indecisive. But it is. I pray strength for you!
im in the same boat. Im currently trying to seperate grom my husband but I fear once his anger is gone, he will come begging for forgivness and I cave and takr him back. I geel guilty for breaking our family apart, yet I can no longer live this life of a rollercoaster of up and down. I am exhausted, confused and scared.
Please recognize that narcissists constantly cycle through idealization, then devaluation followed by discard, rinse and repeat. This process inevitably causes cognitive dissonance, where you don't know whether you're coming or going and causes the exhaustion and confusion you're describing. Be strong and educate yourself, you will get there in the end. Don't feel guilt either, marriage isn't meant to be a constant rollercoaster ride from hell@@miaqueen9578
I think back and forth. Like guessing. Afraid to trust my instinls.. 😮
I have lost the twinkle in my eyes. I used to be so happy. 😮💨 I got so much joy to hear you also used to laugh at your own jokes. I deeply desire to be carefree again. … I know I can overcome this. I remember who I really am.
My wife always says she sees glimpses of me now and then and I was like “what do you mean?” After some self reflection I see what she means. When I feel safe, which is rare, I am goofy and child like, that is because my inner child feels safe to show herself. When I don’t feel safe, I am quiet and distant, that is because my inner child goes into hiding and my Guardian takes over and She is all business.
Unfortunately I still have minor children with the Narc and he finds every chance he can to tear me down. He is big mad because I remarried and I am surviving without him. He is currently using my son to try and tear me down. Every once in awhile I take the bait, but those times are becoming fewer and further between.
Feeling safe and building that feeling is a big part of polyvagal theory. Have you heard of it?
Stephen Porges interviews interviews on CZcams are pretty good for explanations of what it is. Deb Dana writes about it and she is also interviewed by different CZcams creators. Then there's Justin Sunseri who has some good info too, if you can get past his monotone voice lol. He does have a blog though so you can read instead of listen to him. Justin also has a course and community but you can learn plenty about it without paying for anything. Even some of the books you may be able to find at a library. I'm not affiliated with any of these people, just have found some good info there. And your comment about feeling safe, prompted me to reply.
Feeling safe is so key to our recovery and healing and polyvagal theory is all about the feeling of safety and how to create it for yourself. And in turn will help you become more resistant to times of stress.
Baby steps 🖐️🍀
My narcissistic ex weaponized his parental rights and after 4 challenges to our custodial agreements and gaining more little by little, he bribed and brainwashed our only child and I was eventually so broken down and broke that I stopped fighting and my son went to live with him where there was more wealth and ease. Three years later my son almost died from eating disorder his dad denied he has. I am living wreckage unable to write a resume anymore. Etc. narcissism in my own family was the origin of everything. They have alienated me because I am the container of sad and terrible things. It’s the icing on the toxic cake. Most therapists don’t know how to help with this depth of damage.
I have many practices to calm my nervous system. Reprogramming the mind is the hardest and very exhausting.
Been trying to recover forever.
This woman is so lucky she found information and is young and energetic.
Good luck everyone.
And Nature helps.
Sadly the kinds of narcissism we’re talking about is also destroying Mother Earth.
Omg, this is me. I truly thought I was getting dementia because of my memory loss and negative thought patterns. My entire life was spent with my narcissistic mother and 2 narc ex husbands, patterns😢 I pray my brain recovers
I have never felt so called out from a video. Each time you said a new trait, my jaw dropped and I said "Omg. It's me."
Thank you for making me feel seen and heard. I'm constantly told I overreact and I'm overly defensive, and I need to let things go. I want to scream "I would if I could!!"
I mean, all of this… but when you mentioned alarm clocks - I have reached a point where my body is so exhausted all the time that I cannot wake up properly when my alarm goes off. And my body’s so exhausted I last about 6 hours before I have to lie down and nap - intending to sleep for an hour; but it turns into 3-5 hours. Then wake up, finish the most essential tasks for the day, and sleep again as soon as possible. I don’t have energy to eat enough, to drink enough fluids, even to wash with any regularity. And my home is an absolute tip. All I want is to be clean, warm, and comfortable; but it all feels so unattainable and exhausting to even think of the steps to get there let alone do the work to get there. Diagnosed C-PTSD & AuDHD for the record.
Thank you for this video 💙
What is AuDHD, please? I'm with you. To the point that disarray is beginning to feel comfortable, when I was ever the neatest person.
@@pamelaschutz1248 AuDHD is Autism (ASD) and ADHD 🙂
@@lovelyweeburd , thank you. I've got Aspergers (mild high functioning autism - also diagnosed, but not ADHD.
@@pamelaschutz1248 We (the autistic community at large) would really appreciate you not using that term. Hans Asperger was a Nazi who was responsible for the deaths of around 800 children at his despicable 'hospital'.
You have ASD. Short for Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Thank you.
@@pamelaschutz1248 We (the autistic community at large) would really appreciate you not using that term. Hans Asperger was a Nazi who was responsible for the deaths of around 800 children at his despicable 'hospital'.
You have ASD. Short for Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Thank you.
Spot on for me!!! Thankyou❤
Thank's for this video. Your descriptions and explanations are so close to what I have experienced, it is uncanny. There is so much guilt and selfe blame induced by such relationships. And sadly it doesen't stay within the realm of the relationship with the narcissist. The fight or flight "condition" becomes permanent and applies to any given situation.
You say it is hard to unlearn. I would say it's a lot more work and awareness to unlearn than one might expect. It get's to the point that almost any environment or situation keeps you on your toes (walking on eggshells). It's like being in fight or flight mode, and then fight and flight mode gets triggered on top of that (more often than not triggering a panic attack).
You do make some pointers, but I am not sure how to "unlearn" my automatic responses to "triggers", which might not even be "triggers". Even in completely normal situations, the brain can trigger fight or flight, or even panic attack and some kind of collapse.
I think the hardest part for me is that loved ones and people who I know really care about me, don't understand the condtion. You can explain it all you want, but anyone who didn't have the condition can simply not understand it. For me it has been somewhat of an Akillies heal in close relations, family -and work.
After a panic attack I will get questions like "How are your energy levels today". "Are you up to this job"? Then one has to go on to explain that I had a panic attack. My body if fine and I am up to whatever you would like. Having a panic attack is not synonomous with something wrong with my physical health. People may also say things like "Pull yourself together", "Pick yourself up", "Don't make such a big deal out of bla bla bla".
It is one thing to heal, there is also this great hurdle of dealing with everyday life, as people around you simply don't understand what's going on with you, and make all kinds of wrong assumptions. You may even be labeled as lazy, antisocial, preoccupied, awry. All of which are symptoms of you being in constant fight or flight mode.
Then you have a meeting with your boss, or job office, or social services, providers of benefits. They will say things like "You don't appear to be taking this meeting seriously". I actually can't blame them, because that is exactly what one looks like when one is (in fight of flight mode), and expecting everyting to go horribly wrong. You are programmed to expect the worst, and by you demenour it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
So much more to say and I could problably write i pretty respectable paper on the subject. I have so much self awereness about the subject; and still I am struggeling to get out of self demenour and guilt. I am allways taking care of others at expence to my own economy and wellbeing.
There is much more to my story, and I could continue on. Thank's to anyone who took the time to read this entire post. Give me a thumbs up if it was meaningful, or a thumbs down if it was a waste of time ;-)
Very well said. The most insightful and honest I've read.
Thank You. I totally relate. Gwad folks just don't get it.
You are awesome. Through you I saw the big picture.
Where is society. I mean how in hell does this stay legal.😮
Very accurate and resonating Michelle.
It is a battle of the soul; armor up!
My parents were trained to put their feelings aside and work to help the family. When they were raising us, I guess they expected us to follow suit. Fun was not a thing to look forward to. Today my light bulb went off. Just because they did it, they can't make it normal. It's not normal to deny your feelings of enjoyment, then get used to it. This clip is amazing! I need help coming out of my shell.
Beautiful insight. I'm excited for you. 🎈🌟🌿
Staying away from the abusers and spending time with people who reciprocate love and kindness was my best help, together with educating myself about narcissistic abuse and parental alienation and practising self care and self compassion.
Accepting what had happened and all the consequences and that I can't fix it, was a sad relief.
This is my life and, though not what I expected, I am going to make the most of it.
Learning what my mistakes were (emotional reactions and tolerating contempt and mistreatment) and JADE (Justifying Arguing Defending or Explaining) and working on practising better ways is positive.
I feel completely guilty that it hurts.that is what my mom tough me.I am guilty to live my life.I am almost 50!
Or...you stay stuck because your life has been one betrayal after the next by DIFFERENT PEOPLE. I've had massive betrayals by 2 family members (both died prior to me finding out about their betrayals), a family attorney, a graduate program college advisor, and one long-time close friend and one romantic partner. Abandonment, betrayal, massive lies, whatever you want to call them, and regardless of the relationship or situation - I had these experiences all over the course of 20 years. One after the other to the point where not only did I come to not trust others, I also didn't trust myself. I felt and still often feel terrified to even work or finish my graduate studies, much less meet new people in my personal life. I'm aware of it all and have made sense of it logically, but I still feel bewildered and emotionally frozen. I have been told by a therapist that they agree I have signs/symptoms of C-PTSD and am still attending to it, but unfortunately, I think I will always struggle with the questions for which I'll never have answers and the apologies I'll never receive. 😔
I hear you. Keep fighting. Don't let them win.
You have to let it go or it’s true you won’t heal. Letting go is tremendously hard. In the end in my mind I wrote a check for all that they had taken from me and signed it… I let them have it and started a clean slate. That you have taken, I can’t do anything about it so take it, I forgive you, I don’t condone it but you are not having anything else. Clean start and from here on in you’re not taking any more. It worked and after a period of doing this I rebuilt who I am and my inner strength.
Same here it's not just been family but friends, teachers, other people in colleges mostly a lot of passive aggressive and jealous behavior for no reason that everything i even tried to do rumors were spread and i reckon a former teacher has it in for me big time because someone kept telling them i needed to be in disability classes that is essentially reliving primary school all over again. I quit and will never rejoin that world again it's awful. Truth is i'm quite smart and on the gifted spectrum that comes from my dads side but there's a great deal of shame and rejection over it, i have to do everything myself to give myself reliableness and competent behavior.
I've heard of many horror stories about these "advisors" just using their positions to steal students work and ideas and then use it to further their careers you cannot trust them at all. The best thing to do if you remain in the education system for a while is don't tell anyone anything keep it to yourself. Even past geniuses like einstein dealt with this on a regular basis and nicola tesla fell right into that trap where some of his work was stolen by thomas edison who was known for doing this. It's no surprise there when the colleges and unis are using their students for money in general, which was the breaking point for me after being hugely used far more than i already was being in high school. Yet it's all for nothing when teachers eventually get pushed out in the same ways too and many developing severe mental health issues if not high blood pressure and that's how it all goes.
I've learned over the past couple years now that you have to have some level of secrecy and privacy about your life and be okay with not telling anyone anything, don't say anything just decide to do it when you want to it takes a great deal of pressure off, not because someone else feels they need to approve of it and if anyone tries they have no right to you're older now and have a right to your own decisions.
People have a knack of making things all about them too and when you've only just started they immediately jump into having high expectations, and then hold it on you and keep asking you about it when you never asked them to do it. It's a recipe for permanently putting you off things because you just aren't confident with things yet having only just begun, and they just can't be happy for anyone. Humans also like certainty too so they tend to misconstrue you telling them about something you've only just begun as a probable flop and uncertainty, so all the more reason you have to be okay with not telling anyone anything.
Social media sites don't help with that either because it makes you want to tell everyone everything you're doing, i got rid of all of mine and don't miss them one bit. I loved how things were back in the 90s before all of this, but because i wasn't allowed to have boundaries for a while i felt i needed to tell people everything on them but eventually it started getting me into bad situations.
Bewildered. That's what the nark wants. They want to rattle you.
When you don't understand do nothing.
I mean assign no meaning. My Vet friend said. It is what it is.
I just learned how my hypervigilence has been from all the narcissistic abuse I grew up with.
My empathy is off the charts and I pay attention to everything in social interactions, not realizing those are all coping mechanisms to being around a gaslighting and emotionally absent dad.
I laugh easily and don't have conscious anxiety, but realize there's a sub-conscious unease that I've lived with forever that I'm learning to let go.
Thanks for sharing these insights with us to keep filling out my knowledge on all of this.
Hi can you please make few videos on how to start a career after narcissistic mother abuse , when you are struggling with memory,health etc. And how to deal with office pressures when you are also dealing with depression it's like now I don't have peace anywere.
Therapy ❤
Build new coping skills, esp processing and release the old stressor. Look onto Irene Lyons, or Elizabeth Pantly widen the window book. The spoon theory, about capacity to deal and cope with energy or stress. If you're already dull of stress, taking on more isn't a reasonable ask. Therapy. Support yourself. Healing steps.
She is so right. I am 72 and started to heal just 4 years ago. I have a long way to go still, and I had so many misguided therapists and well meaning psychiatrists. It is not only healing physically, it is also a deep and meaningful spiritual journey, I'm so not easy. Blessings on your way. I was a competent person person reduced to needing competent understanding, I never got it until just a few years ago. It is a slow process. I had a biological, neurological aspect of this condition of being abused so badly that I couldn't even take care of my kids and the abuse that they suffered due to him. It may have been in my family for many years, and in my memory it started with severe abuse from my father and the way my family used religion to excuse him and blame my mother. Recovery is no Cakewalk. I deeply wish all of you more and more healing, and pray that this lovely lady helps you into recovery.❤
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporessss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. dr.sporessss
I'm experiencing chronic anger and I was never an angry person before - I know that's part of the problem.
You did a great job explaining my situation and my lived experiences to me. Thank you. 🤩
I do wonder too though if "All the king's experts and all the king's victims couldn't put Humpty together again."
That’s how I was too at first. I had Alottttt to process. A lot of moments where I wanted to stand up for myself but didn’t know how. So when I started to gain my powerback, there was a lot of truth coming up. Finally able to acknowledge the true voice in my head, instead of being distracted to where I couldn’t even wake to that truth, thought wouldn’t even arise. He had me (his parasites really, shall I say) right where he wanted me. Feeding off my fear for the longest time. Sad but extremely gracious I’m healing. Such a different person to who I was 3 years ago, but more back to my Authentic attributes. Interesting how the same narcissist parasite personality has them so insecure they get to the point of verbalizing ideas against yourself to put into your head. “You’re lazy, worthless, no one else would ever want you, I could do so much better, Im sorry for what I said (calls names, says same thing same day, weeks months years later, doesn’t stop saying it). 😪 Super excited for their exposure though! They think they’ll never get caught, although that’s one of their unconscious fears but BAAAABY. The time has come. Exposé, Im so here for it. No more abuse! We need consciousness for them to process that shiz through the heart. Pretty sure it’s just their fragile ego tryna stay strong and hold on, it’s just full of lies. Tell them selves their awesome, but are they really though? Eh❌ full of lies. Ego deaths, here they come. 🤍
Spot on for me! I spent 25 years in a narcissistic abusive relationship, 8 years later I am finally finding who I really am! It’s so exciting to reach this point after so much healing work. Thank you for sharing .
That's awesome! May you have a successful individuation!
Crazy to realize. After 10 years I developed social anxiety, anxiety in general, major depression and OCD.
I pray everyday I can work through this….
You can once you leave, block, grey rock, do not be tempted to contact or retaliate no matter how crazy they try to make you get police involved if needed (my ex stalked and hacked into social media)…work on it every day nothing is lost when healing. I threw everything at it meditation journaling homeopathy running, yoga, psychotherapy/hypnotherapy, Body Code/emotion code/T3 & soul retrievals, go easy on yourself too …hope some of that helps Xx
Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work is an amazing resource for healing. 💗
I was so anxious as a child because of my abusive parents that I’d literally shake in terror just because I had to leave the house. Mother was extremely emotionally abusive and father was physically violent and extremely misogynistic.
I actually just now (about a week ago) understood that my mother is a covert narcissist ... NOW it all makes sense. I just hope and prey that I didn't damage my own kids that way.
Absolute Truth!!!
Lived my life from age 10 with my mother’s second husband a Narcissistic Abuser
Then married a Covert Narcissist (40 years)
By the Grace of God I have my sanity
Then years later to fine out my oldest daughter that he “loved like his own” and adopted Went Through Far Worse then I did.
Being a Narcissist is Not a Mental Problem
It Is EVIL Period
Thank you for what you are doing.
Praise God for He Is Our Healer 🙏🏻♥️🥰
It’s the constant disappointment which translates as a reminder that they just don’t care, that is what hurts.
ANXIETY TAKES OVER AND WON'T LET GO!
Boom! Spot on. This is me. I was raised by a narcissist dad and married 3 narcissists. A terrible cycle. I am 62 and since 2014 I have been working on myself. This is so helpful.
Loved the part when she said she didn’t laugh for a long time she started to forgot how to laugh. As someone who was raised by a narc mother I do laugh but it is extremely forced and fake. It just became who I am. I have always found it strange how people laughed so easily, how they enjoyed things I found trivial, how I couldn’t feel happy whenever something good happened ti me. The healing process is long but I believe in it.
I lost my ability to have R.E.M. sleep, the kind where you have dreams, and work out problems through them. Laughter, for me wasn't allowed in the presence of my abusers, since childhood, so I found safe places to be more fully human as a kid away from them. Luckily, my mother really didn't seem to like kids, so she only really missed me when she wanted something from me, like an appearance.
I rarely have or remember my dreams unless they’re weird, scary or disturbing in some way.
When you said you had to teach yourself to laugh again….. I felt that and am struggling through that right now. Thank you for your videos, I don’t feel so alone
This is great advice. I have had to plow deeply, to release my childhood traumas. And responsably re construct my personality. Healthy baoundaries being key. I divorced my covert narc husband in 2018. And only now I am actually open for a healthy new romantic relationship. But my biggest regret now, is seing my son, going trhough it, with his dad. I am coparenting, and I am at a distance, but I use BIG amounts og emotional capacity on reparations after (and before) my son spends time as his dads...
Over and over and over again and again and again. Im 52 and again so exhausted.
I tell myself Im safe now but still my family lives rent free and wrecking my brain everyday
Microdosing psilocybin at 58 years old is helping me to finally heal those pathways in my brain and help me get more integrated within myself. I feel like I’ve made more progress in 6 months than I did for last 35 years of various therapies etc. psilocybin literally rewires the brain so it can assist with healing and not just symptom relief. But you do also have to do the work at the same time with introspection and somatic awareness etc.
A form of somatic therapy I have been relying on for years is called Neuro Emotional technique practiced usually by chiropractors. It finds the stored trauma and releases/integrates it which drastically improves triggers and allows for a response rather than a trauma reaction. I highly recommend it.
*Excellent* video, Michele! I have CPTSD from multiple (and different types) of traumas. I get this.
Piaget formulated the concept of schema, at least as I understand it. What I find interesting, is that toddlers build schema of the external world by interacting with it, but there is more to the story than I realized. As infants through early childhood, we build our image of self, but especially in infants, the adults, other children, caretakers, etc who interact with us build our early sense of value as a person. That is, I'm loved, cared for, accepted among many other things. If we are neglected, physically or verbally abused in these early years, it reflects back to us we are unwanted. It shocked me to find out how these early years imprint long lasting changes in our thought patterns, all to the downside with insecure attachment. We do have to unlearn these early childhood lies! It does sound easy at first, like, wow, I finally found the key, now I just have to unlock the door. So, you go about "unlearning", and open the door, and emotions pound you into the ground over and over. Nope, this isn't easy work, but eventually once you work through the locked up emotions from years ago, you really do start connecting with self and your creativity, sleep, memory, relationships, all improve. Don't give up!!
Cognitive Behavior Therapy
Wow, this really opened my eyes... I resonate with everything you shared. Whats worse is when the narcissist builds a community against you when you are the one being abused and shamed for being numb and so unhappy and depressed.
I have been living in my mid brain for 58 years of my 58 years of life.
I am in tears. I am living in this state for five years. All I have to cling on this the hope that the relationship he discarded me for ends. I’m a husk of who I used to be. I won’t ever be able to recover and it’s now impacting my health.
You will be able to recover. You will.
I totally resonated with what you said about finding that our personalities are basically sound and that recovering from narcissistic abuse involves reconnecting with that real self (an intact personality) and casting off the hypervigilant self. I feel that that's exactly where I am in my recovery journey. It started with realizing that what was wrong with the dysfunctional family relationships in my life was narcissistic abuse. That realization has, gradually, freed me to see that the problem was not me. It triggered a healing process (still in progress) that has freed me to feel more in touch with my real self and to let that caring, empathetic, loving, intelligent self shine through without being blocked by constant anxiety and vigilance. Excellent presentation, Michelle! Thank you so much!
Sober for the first time in my life. Took me 46 yrs to figure out my "mom" display's most of the traits of a neglectful narcissistic . This video made me cry more than once. Thank you for your videos. Truly, Truly, Helpful!❤
The laughter is what I get; I didn't know what was missing but I now watch cute and funny animals on CZcams and I have noticed that I'm laughing, a little laugh here and there; now I'm having a real laugh. It's a great feeling, although I found it exhausting at first, I'm becoming hooked on my laughing moments on my own.
Thank you, yes I’m learning how to feel safe in my new life 🌅💫✨🧡🫶🍁
This is the most significant meaning I have ever seen ! It all fits perfectly, hyper vigilant, always doubting myself , I am the reason I get such negative impressions of myself. I will apologise for everything that isn't actually my fault. I am always on a peace keeping mission so I do not upset anyone .
This video helped make sense of so much of the confusion I’ve been experiencing. I’ve dealt with life long trauma, many traumas actually. And, I’ve lost site of who I am verses what my body, and mind are experiencing. I’m always in a state of fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Sometimes all at once. It’s exhausting.
Saying a therapist pointed out she was in an abusive relationship… that would have been amazing. I never had a therapist do that for me.
I have recently left two lifetime friendships. This was for self-preservation. I'd like to address anger. I've worked through a lot of this, but I'm still challenged by anger and resentment. I don't like myself this way.
Thanks. I'll try that, for my own benefit.
Their is something very precious about people that are getting attacked by narcs. We must run we must heal. The devil sent his best strategically they wanted to crucify your light and your future. Just like their is no spoon their is no family member but a narc. Help the kingdom of God let the kingdom of darkness fall with arrogance and pride.
The struggle with memory hit me extremely hard. I was worried I was in this kind of situation because of how the stress was effecting my memory and this unfortunately hit the nail on the head. The person I think is doing this to me tends to get angry with me when I can’t remember details from stressful moments, so I’m in constant fight or flight and literally forget everything and can’t think.
This hit home. I became hypervigilant. I find it hard to relax or trust anyone. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I genuinely laughed or even smiled.
Especially when the abused is our pastor, my husband, and father. My 26 year old is chronically ill from the affects of how we lived while with him.
It wasn’t until my mom died, that I could really acknowledge all the abuse and truly heal.
I've just realized how often my mom would end an insult/put down with "I just want what's best for you", "I'm doing/saying such only because I care about you." This has been the magic sentence she has used since I was a kid. "A mother knows the best!" "No one will love you like your mother does!“ Oh the lies, the gaslights, the manipulations, the guilt trips, on and on and on and on and on and on. I have been trying to convince myself that she does love me just a little. But the more I try the more I fail. Has she ever been truthful with me ever? I think not. But it's okay, I have decided that I'm a new person this moment and on. I'm not her daughter, she has no influence on me any longer. I'm free.
I discover after narcicistic abuse i was autistic .Wich means we already have the structures that you describe in pstd activated . I guess we suffer double 😢
Actually this can be ptsd and not autism at all. The symptoms have a lot of cross over. Hard to get a correct diagnosis unless there are people who knew you as a small child before the trauma that can validate
@@ThePathOfLeastResistancYou clearly don‘t know much about autism. And no, diagnosis aren‘t made or validated by bringing childhood aquaintances along! 😂
There are many very specific tests, designed to see where exactly on the spectrum someone is.
@@karadiberlino I know that. My son is diagnosed
@@ThePathOfLeastResistancI am a narcissist abuse survivor and also am an NHS diagnosed autistic with PTSD. The only reason I am alive right now is because of my faith in Jesus.
@@stephaniew.9366 that’s nice
Yes to the teaching yourself how to laugh!!! Now, I love to laugh! I be laughing at everything. Even watch stand ups solely to laugh. Feels so good & I pray anyone struggling with that heals enough and your joy comes back