I’m Not Her Biological Dad (Should I Tell Her?)
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- čas přidán 4. 08. 2022
- I’m Not Her Biological Dad (Should I Tell Her?)
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As someone who grew up thinking another man was my dad I cant stress this enough: TELL HER
This poor guy needs to get out of there for his own sanity. I can't imagine the daily mental turmoil and resentment of this situation.
Just step out, but step up and be a father to his son, a great presence for your sons sister. She aint your kid and her mom sounds like a pathway to life long misery. Own your responsibilities, but you’ve got a real miss on your hands
Yes you can feel its worse than how he is explaining it.
There has to be a reason that he is her ex-husband and that's probably why she doesn't want to marry him
@@KC-dr3cg that he is her ex? No she is HIS ex. She cheated.
Well he chose to take back the cheating ex, so if he is in turmoil, he can only blame himself.
DO NOT REMARRY THIS WOMAN. Don't even honestly know why you would want to get back together with her. If you think this woman has changed, you are being delusional. She is only with you bc baby daddy (her first choice over you) bounced and she had no1 else. You even mentioned she hasn't talked about wanting to get married again. Save yourself. The only thing I agree with john on: is all in or all out. I think it should be all out and back to co-parenting personally but that's a choice you have to make. This isn't a disney fantasy were everything is gonna work out and your gonna make cute tik tok videos of her being adopted. This is real life and the odds of making this work are very very small.
This woman better recognize that few men would put up with this.
Wild how many lives one person can ruin (talking to you lady!)
Some people are like tornados and destroy everything they touch.
Regardless how this plays out, the baby daddy is unfortunately laughing all the way to the bank.
I think this should be said....don't get back with a woman who cheated on you. Too many people shame men for not wanting to raise another man's child.
This guy needs to speak with an attorney so he doesn’t put himself in a dire financial situation next his cheating ex wife decides to screw around again. Why would he want her back. This poor man is not making good decisions.
He's just a Simp. Maybe he always wanted a daughter but he would have been better leaving her for the streets.
He's extremely insecure and extremely emotional and needs a woman to make him "feel" like a man. he can't stay single because he doesn't love himself enough. If she cheats on him again and gets pregnant again he'll also take care of the next child. There are men out there that are extremely weak and have no self worth or self-respect. believe it or not women love these guys because they can make bad decisions and these guys will look after them.
@@michaelpalumbo4880 so true
@@michaelpalumbo4880 It's unfortunately the advice he's obligated to give, given the show's Christian stance. This show is good, but it's wild when you listen with the RP lens.
@@bffoxjr oh please. i remember delony telling a caller that "now isnt the time for pastors" when something awful happened to their child. Everyone knows that when bad things happen that is the time to cling to faith and surround yourself with faithful people the most because if not you could very well fall into unbelief and give up on God altogether. This guy is encouraging this man to remarry an adulterer. he is NOT a christian by any stretch!
Unless she is groveling and saying how sorry she is and shows daily humility.. she belongs to the streets. Sad for the little girl.
Even if she's saying those things, her previous actions say different. She is only with this dude bc she knew he would take her back. I feel bad for this dude, bc it probably isn't going to end well for them.
@@johnsmith-kt7ef I mean, there are cases of cheating and repenting and being a better human being. I always hear, "once a cheater, always a cheater." If someone truly understands the error of their ways, there is redemption, right?
If they act like it's no big deal, and you shouldn't think so either, yeah.. they suck then..
@@melanieb2132 cheaters cheat!
If roles were reversed and this was the wife calling in, John would have 100% told her to leave the situation.
Exactly
I'm starting to notice, he is BIAS ..
In no way shape or form should this guy get remarried to her John pushing that is dumb
Why? He's already playing husband and doesn't plan on changing. Sounds like the problems are fixable.
@@bobbobby5541because if this slut screws up again he wouldn't be liable for child support
I don’t understand why he took seven years to marry in the first place ? That does not sound as though he really was committed if they were living together .
@@BlackStump172before those 7 years were 14 years of trust that were broken not over a one time thing but an ongoing twisting of the knife in his heart. Her choosing infidelity again and again and again is a serious point to attend to
She went back to him because affair partner didn’t step up. Feelings wore off and the grass wasn’t greener so she went back to plan b.
12:09 "He got hurt real bad": yup... and by remarrying the person that cheated on him for a very long time he's just going in for round 2 and then he'll have to pay child support for two kids! Brilliant advice on this one John.....brilliant
He needs to adopt the girl (cause in his eyes its his child) but not marry the unfaithful wife.
Worst advice ever. Never take an ex back. He’s going to end up paying for child support for a kid that isn’t his. This guy is a simp and needs to run as fast as he can away from this leech
Exactly bro
Agreed
💯💯
He's not going to be able to do that, he's way too weak. Simps/beta's don't even have self-worth let alone self-respect. And women know that.
N bingo was his name o
Pure definition of a SIMP.
1) Ex cheated on him and he got back with her, 2) he's taking care/paying for the cheating partner's kids (where are the men who fathered them?),
3) no plans on remarrying this woman nor has she wanted to remarry him,
4) he's paying for her family's (remember they're not his progeny) room & board,
He's just a free meal ticket.
First thing I thought only a few seconds into this call. I'm usually very compassionate, but this guy needs to grow a backbone and a pair of testes.
Hey old habits die hard and when you been with someone who's been in your life for almost 3 decades that's something that's almost impossible to break
@@216trixie he can't when you been with someone for almost 3 decades and you have a child with them and then they betray you in the worst way possible and then while the separation period is going on gets pregnant by the dude she cheats on you with and then during that time you have sympathy for her and the child and then you put your feelings on the back burner for the sake of your child that you have with this person and the other child that can really make a man or woman see as someone who deserves a second chance. And I honestly feel like this guy has put his feelings on the background for so long that he could care less about what other people think
@@BIGEAGLEDUDE its called sunk cost fallacy, if you have self respect it doesn't matter if its 3 months or 30 years. If you are cheated on or betrayed at this level, you move on with your life.
@@johnsmith-kt7ef he wants to be a PRESENT FATHER and you all call him a simp.
I can't imagine the amount of confusion and pain this guy has been in, having the last 20 years of his life turned upside down. He wants his old life back, but that ain't going to happen.
John's putting all the onus on him on "making this work," but it's clear that he's just a tool to her because she's been slow-playing the adoption for the last 3 years, hoping for a "better" man.
And if John thinks it's going to be traumatic for the girl to "lose" her stepfather at age 4, it's going to be far worse when her mother walks out again later when she's hitting puberty. He needs to end this nonsense now, as painful as it will be. The sooner this is over, the sooner all the parties can heal.
100%
“I don’t want to push you into marriage dude.”
After spending the entire time telling him how he needs to get married if he wants to be a good father.
I also can’t believe Dr John tried to excuse what the ex did by saying maybe the caller wasn’t all in before so she felt alone? I mean come on…
This is classic JD; I have heard multiple calls excusing female infidelity, claiming the men behaved in a manner which caused her to do it. In terms of relationships, he is a terrible therapist as he is so clearly biased towards the female.
If you listened, that's not what he is saying. What John is telling him is that if he's going to stay around he needs to be all in. If he's not, he needs to move along. He can't keep hanging out in this half-way place where he's playing house and stringing along a child. Yes, me kept bringing up marriage, but he clearly stated "if you're going to stay."
Yes, the ex wife is totally responsible for this entire mess, BUT this guy needs to decide right now if he's in or out. He can't hang around and "play daddy" if he's out. Personally I don't think he'll be happy married to her and needs to make a clean break before the child gets any older. Like John said, she's not his daughter.
@@EmpressMermaid I did listen, and he definitely had a bias. At no point did I hear it mentioned that the mother should want her child to have the caller as her father whether they age together or not. All responsibility was put on the man’s shoulders like usual.
@@murderofcrows7738 He wasn't talking about the mother because he wasn't talking to the mother. If he was talking to her I'm sure it would be a very different conversation. And that wasn't even really the point of his call as what the caller was asking is what he should do in regards to the child.
He does have one major responsibility here and it's something only he can do. HE must decide whether he's in or out. If he's out, he needs to go.
I am noticing that he does this a lot. He tries to save something that is not worth saving, instead saving the individual.
He's a sweet guy!!! I hope it works out for him, especially where the little girl is concerned.
he is a Simp. A loser. An idiot.
I've worked in family law in Alabama where this caller is from and adoption would be near impossible in this circumstance unless they are married. "Mom's boyfriend" is not legally a step-dad so not eligible for step-parent adoption.
Whether he should marry her or not is another story, but he does need to decide if he's in or out, the longer he drags this out, the worse it will end. As they say down here "either fish or cut bait."
Great post
I hope he gets out poor guy stuck raising another man’s kid
I found out my dad wasn’t my biological father when he and my mom were arguing at the age of 12. It was so saddening to find out that way. My mom used me as a pawn and threatened to tell my dad I wasn’t his so they he wouldn’t leave her. They’re still together but my dad doesn’t know that I know. My mom is too afraid to tell my dad I know.
I’m 28 now and my dad still hasn’t told me himself. I really wish he would do I can move on from that hurt.
I’ve connected with my biological father who’s always wanted to be apart of my life but my mom didn’t allow it.
It’s a difficult situation to be in because I love my dad but also am very loved from my biological father. I feel torn and guilty for wanting both worlds to work
I
There's no need to feel guilty. I wonder why you feel guilty for wanting such a natural thing. Perhaps your mum has complicated things. I think your dad and your bio dad would understand.
I hope it works out for you ❤️
Sounds like your mom is the real issue here. 2 stand up dudes with one manipulative woman.
Your mother is truly trifling
She has a real father and he's out there somewhere, probably does want to be in the girls life for all we know. The wife could be saying one thing but she's not exactly a trustworthy person to begin with. Women lie all the time saying the real dad knows but he doesn't and its all because they have someone lined up like mr simp here who is likely more accomplished and will take care of the child and HER despite being betrayed.
What the heck Dr. John…. I hope you call this guy back and do a little further digging because you spent 95% of this call advocating for him to get married with no real information about the true status of his relationship. You obviously know the statistics about cheating and recidivism. Normally I think you’re brilliant and wonderful…. But here you’ve gone full knucklehead. I love and forgive you….but do reach back out to this guy - feels like this session went ary and you may have some cleanup to do.
Aaaah everyone, men, women... Choose your spouse very carefully. They can ruin your life.
Also this was awful advice. He kept cutting the guy off before he could say what he wanted. Not the kids father? He is the only decent parent that kid has, the only chance for her to be raised well, with morals...
My heart breaks for this guy. I hope she really has changed because it’s situations like these that end in murder/suicide. I don’t think this man can handle another heartbreak.
Thank you for thinking about the children first, and bringing this awareness to people who are caught up in some mess.
Too many people forget the affects of choas on little ones.
People need to be honest and transparent with kids from day 1.
The ex-wife can't be trusted. She will cheat again. You can help with the little girl but please protect yourself emotionally and financially
I wouldn’t even trust her when she says the lawyers are looking into things but it’s a slow process. She’s incentivized to drag it out.
Weak man can't help themselves they're too weak.
I truly believe the exwife is using him. The only reason she got back with him is because the other guy didn't want anything to do with her after he got her pregnant.
I feel so bad for this guy, he really cares about the little girl. A friend of ours is in a similar situation with his ex... adopted a kid that wasnt his and now that they are split the ex took him back to court for more custody and child support. Its straining his new marriage, the relationship with his kids, his finances- i fear this guy will have the same thing happen to him.
The courts are unkind to guys just trying to do the right thing, it is a terrible miscarrage of justice and plays on the very values and virtues we lament losing.
The right thing is to not deprive the new wife of a normal happy life. she is just as much a victim of his ex's power plays because he did not have enough of a spine to say "no. you are not going to take advantage of me. you need to own up to your decisions and find the real father. not make someone else pay for it while you never have any consequence." Guys like this are just enabling bad women and these women will continue this behaviour because some poor simp will always come in and save the day.
@@Ready-ForTheEnd I agree, manipulative abusers only have power over you as long as you let them. But family courts still do not help the problem. In my friend's case, he started dating his ex while she was pregnant and they got married and had another kid together, so he's kinda screwed no matter what since he not only adopted one but has a biological kid with the ex.
This is so sad. He likes the kid more than the ex and is willing to put up with this situation to not lose the daughter. It wasn't kind of him to form such a father bond with that little girl when realistically he's not her dad and isn't able to adopt her. If he marries the ex again it's unlikely it will end happily ever after
This guy is too good for the woman, but perfect for the little girl. What a mess. I hope the woman has learned she can't do better than this guy and I hope all 3 can heal.
Not sure about that, but we don't have her on the phone.
Without making things legal, he wouldn’t have any rights to her if he and the mom break up.If he really wants to be the dad in her life, he better get it signed by a judge.
No. He should not get himself to be financially liable in the eyes of the government.
Don't do it. Throw that whole lady away
Not send me a wedding invitation. What a mess!!
What a mess.
never get back with a cheater ..
Weak men's Brains don't work like that. Only strong men know to stay away from a cheater.
Stop pushing marriage. His daughter obviously loves him and that wont change for legal reasons. This sounds like a case he doesn't really want mamma but loves his daughter. Their relationship just wasn't meant to be but now he has this complication he loves the child far more than mama.
He's sleeping with, living with, and loving someone who is constantly able to threaten him. It's a hair trigger situation that he just got blindsided by. The ex doesn't feel anchored either it took 7 years to get married and then he didn't know about the LONG term affair.
I always ask same questions that he asks right before he does- hello -why are you not married or adopting? “All in or all out brother” as he would say. Also my dad died when I was year old and my mother remarried and he adopted me. From that point on, he was my father and it meant the world to me and my mother. All in❤️however this is totally different situation.
It makes no sense to adopt the child when he is uncertain about Re-marrying the mother
A little cart before the horse
Might be an expensive mistake. Volunteer don’t make it mandatory
It doesn't make sense that bio-dad hasn't signed away his parental rights in 4 years. Something fishy about that.
The things we do to ourselves. He shouldn't marry her. There are some things we simply cannot get over or move from. He needs to let the ex wife go and pray for her to allow him to keep a relationship with the little girl. If she doesn't then it is what it is. Although people mature and grow, there are things we do that show our true character. He has seen hers.
He doesn’t trust her. When it comes down to it, he still can’t and doesn’t. I agree with John, it’s forever or never. But I don’t feel from listening that he’s there trust-wise, and there may not be much she can ever do about it even if she is truly repentant.
Her mom picked the dad
She shares the blame in this too
Single parent adoption is not so easy as taking the birth certificate to the court house and "going through the process" it does require attorneys and time and money. I work in a field that works with this. It's not so simple as you make it out to be
And step-parent adoption is nearly impossible unless the parties are married. He needs to decide if he's in or out.
This guy sounds like he deserves so much better than this girl he’s with. Guys… you can never accept or take back a cheating woman. Always always always kick them to the curb. This guy is a glutton for punishment
heartache of him knowing he is so close to that little girl and he loves her so much and she loves him. ugh such a hard situation that you endure for the sake of keeping that safe space for that innocent lil soul that had nothing to do with it.
This happens a lot. He wants to be a dad but not a husband again. He wants to spend time with his "daughter" but not with his ex. The problem is he can not be spending time with the little girl without being with his ex at the same time. So by leaving his ex for good he feels like he would be abandoning his daughter and that's what's hurting him basically, he doesn't want the little girl to feel as if her dad left her and left, he doesn't want to hurt her. Unfortunately, it's a very difficult situation for him emotionally. He should leave and start his own life but it's inevitable he would suffer if he did that knowing he hurt the little girl in the process. Insane how it's always the most innocent ones who end up suffering, in this story the guy and the little girl, and not the ones who caused the harm which would be his ex and the girl's biological father who doesn't want her.
You say that, but I always think that the honourable people in these situations are the happier ones deep down.
I think the ex wife and the bio dad in this story seem deeply wounded, and have possibly never known happiness and haven't a clue how to trust another human being, or how to be trustworthy themselves.
If he stays and all that then yes he should tell the child at a time where they’re ready to hear it. I’m adopted and I can’t remember what age I was told but there was never a ruse where they pretended I wasn’t adopted. In fact we always celebrated my adoption day which was great because they made my adoption something to be celebrated and feel proud of rather than being ashamed as some people see things if you don’t live with biological parents. But people deserve that truth when they’re ready for it and I would do it earlier rather than later. But if you’ve provided a loving home and been there every step as a father is it won’t even matter to them when you tell them. My parents have never not been my parents and I have no desire to ever meet my biological parents because I have my parents. But that would probably have been different if it was hidden from me and let’s say I found out by accident or they sprung it on me when I was much older.
Old habits die hard especially when you had this woman in your life for almost 30 years. Think about it they were together for 7 years before he married her 14 years before he divorced her 2 years single before he considered getting back together with her and then 2 years after getting back together. You're talking about 25 years that this woman has been in his life. He wants to get back with her but let's be real here this man has real fears and hesitations and their legitimate and the fact that his wife hasn't even either allowed him to sign the adoption papers or at least have a serious conversation about her tells me that she knows that the only reason why she doesn't allow that to happen is because she's hoping that one day the dude that got her pregnant will come back into her life and to the life of her daughter but that's not going to happen. In addition this man really needs to tell his wife hey I want to marry you and I want a second chance with you but in order for that to happen we need to go to marriage counseling here because it's going to hurt us both If you deny me that right. Lastly John needs to quit saying that this guy is not this girl's father because let's be real here she is his father and by saying that to him it's making him question even whether or not he wants to be the girl's father let him home wants to continue being a father figure. The wife in my opinion either is afraid of losing her stability or financial security or both or she just doesn't want to share custody of a child that she clearly maybe doesn't even want but no she can't take care of her on her own
But hes not her father and nothing will change that. She has a real father and hes out there somewhere probably does want to be in the girls life for all we know. The wife could be saying one thing but shes not exactly a trustworthy person to begin with. Women lie all the time saying the real dad knows but he doesnt and its all because they have someone lined up like mr simp here who is likely more accomplished and will take care of the child despite being betrayed.
@@Ready-ForTheEnd you're missing the point where I'm trying to tell you is this is a situation that he knows he's not her biological father but in that girl's heart that's her father you saying that that's not her father is basically like saying that the child doesn't have any male influence in her life. Let's be real here the man has been in this child's life since day one the problem is how do you go about telling her that the man is raised her is not her biological father without having to damage her own self-worth. I get it that's not her biological father but that is her father.
Considering he is financially providing for the girl, he will be on the hook for child support if they break up now without marrying.
Man, this is tough!!!
Really sad to see Dr John press him to remarry after her infidelity caused the split.
Not Doctor John reciting Beyonce's "put a ring on it" 😅🤭🤣
Re-marrying someone you once divorced is strictly prohibited in the Old Testament especially when there was an adulterous relationship that resulted in another child.
Why does john and ramsey always resolve things with marriage geesh
If he’s gonna make it work… fine. But for you future fellas, have some self respect. Stop staying with these women.
Thank you!
Yessssssss tell her! I don't even need to see the show
If ever there was a woman who needed to sign a prenup ☝️
As a recipient of this talk 2 years ago. Here we go
This is just another example of why you NEVER get back with ANY ex. Also, he really should walk away NOW and get as much custody of his son he can.
gave a like all because of the whoa - oh-oh-ohhh😂😂
Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: Yess.
Your relationship was rekindled because she needs someone to take care of the little girl since the real father doesn’t want to acknowledge the kid. What happens next affair?
I think it can be very confusing to a child for the parents to be divorced and living together. If the relationship is over, go your separate ways and co-parent this little girl.
Sounds like his ex wife is using him to be daddy after the affair didn’t work. My concern is if she cheats again. I feel bad for the poor little girl. I pray she’ll grow up with a stable life. There’s a lot going on.
Hey guys. Went through a very similar situation. I hired an attorney and filed for parental rights for my son. My attorney served the biological father. He never responded to court petition. Mother signed off on adoption. Went to court and was granted adoption as Father. Nothing to complicated. I had to get two home studies and provided financial information based on adoption laws in my state. Received birth certificate with my last name.
I completely agree with Dr. Delony! Go all on brother.
Women like this need guys like you. good work.👍
@@Melissa.712 thanks Cal. Appreciate it
I got totally screwed over by an ex with mental health and personality disorders… fought like hell for my daughter regardless of the cost to me, emotionally and financially. Paid hundreds of thousands of dollars. My daughter was worth it and I’m with her forever.
@@michaeldodd9260 I definitely understand that Michael. She’s lucky to have you and you her 😃
@Unknown Comment I'm all set, I rather watch the show.
Guys I need help ASAP. I met my wife in very very unusual circumstances. I’m going to be straight with it but please understand.
We talked throughout high school.
Never got together for a relationship or anything. We were friends.
We stopped talking after high school for a bit (almost 2 years) and obviously she lived her life and I lived mine. She got pregnant and told me about it. I didn’t think anything of it, at the time she was my friend and I supported her. The guy (biological father) didn’t want anything to do with the baby or her so she just went through the pregnancy on her own. I talked to her through out the whole pregnancy also. Never saw her cause she lived in another state during her pregnancy.
(Some back story before I keep going)
Right after highschool, I got sick with kidney failure and was out on dialysis. Couldn’t get a transplant because I wasn’t born here (USA) and could not get the proper insurance and paperwork. So the whole time we didn’t talk and throughout her pregnancy I was in dialysis.
(Back to story)
During her last few months of her pregnancy, the topic came up of her helping me get my proper documentation for the kidney transplant. Which required marriage. (You might know where I’m heading with this)
On the day her water broke, (mind you I hadn’t seen her in 2 years since high school) she let me know.
I was working in the morning and after work I went to dialysis for 4 hours. In the moment I didn’t think anything of it. I was going through my day normally. When I got out of dialysis, I asked myself if I should go see her at the hospital. I was never pressured or anything. I was tired and weak from dialysis. Idk what got to me but I decided to go. I drove 2 hours away and made it to the hospital at 11:45pm. I talked to her parents and they said that she was still not fully ready to deliver. Her parents were tired so they decided to go get something to eat. At 12am (15 minutes later) with only about 10 mins of finally seeing her in person, the baby was ready to come out. The doctors rushed in and started delivering the baby in front of me. I saw the whole process. After a couple of minutes of the baby being in her moms arms, the nurses passed me the baby. I was the first male to hold her. I looked at her and fell in love.
A couple months passed by and her family decided to move to Florida. Before they actually moved the topic of marriage came back up and how it would help my kidney transplant process start. We agreed to go through with it and she moved in with me in our own apartment.
Move towards 7 years later… we’re still together with my now 7 year old daughter and 1 year old daughter.
The biological dad made contact approximately 6 times out of the 7 years and only saw my daughter 3 times and that was when she was 3 years old and younger. After her 4th birthday she never saw or heard from him again. He stopped all contact and never have any financial, emotional or any type of help. My wife and I never opposed to him not seeing my daughter. He just stopped.
She’s turnin 8 by the end of this year (2023). I’ve read countless times that a step dad should let the step daughter know about their relationship at the age of 7-9. The time has come but idk what to say, how to say, where to say to or how she will react. She sees me as her only father and the love between us is IMMENSE. The teachers from day care to 1st grade constantly mention how she talks about me and how much she loves me. I find drawings of us she makes. I’ve also seen comments in kids CZcams videos of her commenting “I love my dad”
I’m afraid of what will happen once I tell her. I just need some advice to see how I can talk to her (my wife included). Anything will help.
I hope you and your wife found the words to tell your daughter. It's very cool that you have formed a family, and I hope you are well, and taking care of yourself to continue to be well.
If not, and still stuck, here is a strawman you can use to formulate your words. You can print it out, or copy it into a some document writer, to edit, to get your feelings down. It will help you feel relaxed about telling her.
And, as you might know, this is not one and done, you will have this conversation many times over the years. And, as she gets older, her questions might become more sophisticated. Or, she might go perfectly silent (more likely as a teen, because of the brain development,) and you will need to remind her that you love her, no matter what. That things can feel rough, or she may feel angry at times, but no matter what, you still love her forever and ever.
"
I am so glad you are in my life. I was there when your mom delivered you, and I fell in love with you the moment the nurse placed you in my arms. I have been so very lucky to have you in my life. And "younger sister name" is so lucky to have you. You are a delight, and have always brought smiles to me. I remember the first time you smiled at me when you were just a tiny baby.
You are smart, and energetic and "?what else?" .
You have beautiful hair/smile/toes? like your momma,
and I think you have my .... pick one that's true ....sense of humor/my earnestness/ my delight in the world/ my laughter/
(she has something of you, kids model the man they are around.)
I'm the luckiest dad ever, and I'm so glad to be with your mom.
(if that's not true, fix that.... don't lie, don't be making everyone live in an awful home... get into counseling to figure out
how to make everyone feel happy, safe and able to express themselves. If the mom is an issue, same.)
I'm your dad. But, I didn't meet you until you were born. About a year before you were born, when I was still working in another city, your mom made you with a man she fell in love with, which we call a biological father, a bio-father. So you are my daughter, and you have a bio-father.
--She will ask questions .
~"where is my bio-father?" "We aren't sure, he doesn't keep in touch. He knows you are loved by your mom and me."
~"can I call my bio-father?"; "We don't keep in touch with him. Maybe he will reach out when your are in your 20s."
~"does my bio-father love me?"; "I bet he thinks its cool you are around. Though, we tend to love those we are around and
help, and he doesn't know you to love you. "
~"why doesn't he want to see me?"; "He's busy at work, and he knows your mom and I love you very much, and take very
good care of you."
(again, if that's not true, fix that, and don't say you take good care of her, if you don't, say something else.
Always icky when a parent says they do something they don't actually do.)
Then she either immediately, or later, will likely say some fantasy things about her and her bio-father being together. It is normal, it is nothing negative about you, it is just what little brains need to do to process it, make it positive, and make the hurt of that person not being in their lives be okay... making it okay in a future."
~"My bio-father is going to love me when he meets me."; "I think he will, because I will love you so very much, just like I do
now!"
~"When I grow up, my bo-father and I are going to go to a ball, and dance, and have cake."; "I bet you will have a beautiful
dress! and you can tell him about the trip we took to the zoo!"
~"You and mommy, bio-father and I will have a picnic!"; "I love picnics! what kind of food will you put in the picnic basket?"
Sometimes, you may get:
~"My bio-father would never be so mean!"; "Anyone who loves you, would want the right things for you. And like me, I'm sure he would want the right thing for you too. 'And the right thing, is for you to buckle your seatbelt, so we are all safe in the car.' 'And the right thing is for you to brush your beautiful teeth so you wake up with beautiful teeth." "And the right thing is for you to lie down, even if you don't feel sleepy yet, so you can rest your body...it's worked very hard for you, and it wants a rest!"
~"My bio-father doesn't love me."; "He doesn't know you. I know you, I love you now, and since you were born, and forever
and ever."
~"My friend says bio-fathers don't exist."; "He/she probably doesn't have one, so hasn't heard of it yet. Remember the first time you saw X? You didn't know about those until you saw one. --There are always new things we don't know. Do you know what you want to say to him/her if he/she says it again?"
(as you work with her, on her response, I'd tend to bring up ideas like "my daddy said I have a bio-father, and that he loves me very much, and that no one knows about everything, until they hear about it the first time." )
--If she's feisty, outgoing and into science, you can go through a video on how whales use to walk on land... that would be quite the example for your daughter to give to a young kid that's just learning that he/she doesn't know what he doesn't know. ..Or something else surprising, if that has already been covered in her science topics at school.
--8 year olds that understand that kittens and puppies, can be born at the same time, but have different fathers/bio-fathers, can get the:
"you know how we talked about how DoggyJune's puppies? Remember how much we thought they were so cute, and we loved them, and that they all found loving families? And that all were different types of dogs, and that was because there were different fathers? Your momma had a different father for you, and I am so glad your momma chose to share you with me.... you were the cutest most lovable baby ever.
He’s a better man then me idk if I could ever do that….
"We rekindled things."
No. She cheated on you. She got knocked up by an unstable, undependable guy, and one she was screwed. She then ran back to a man who was stable and conned him into bailing her out of her bad decisions.
You've been snowed, dude. Take your son and run from this witch.
Why doesn’t he get a really solid prenup. That if she cheats in any way, she gets nothing.
The reason the Alabama Court isn't going anywhere is because there is a requirement that the mother and stepdad must be married for him to adopt "his" daughter.
Here is a quote from a Law firm blog: "I’m always surprised at the number of calls I get about a stepparent adoption when the biological parent is not legally married to anyone. Often these clients have lived with the legal parent for many years. However, the first requirement to be met is that the petitioning parties be “husband and wife.”[5] The adoption code makes no exception for couples living together who are not married.
The stepparent seeking to adopt a minor child must have resided with the minor child for one year before filing a petition for adoption.[6]
If these requirements are met, a petition can be filed with the probate court along with the consents of the legal parents and the child (if the child is 14 or older)."
They need to figure this relationship out first.
Hold on, about pushing them into marriage.
I’d never take an ex back but good for him. Hope all works out lol
Well as a stepfather to my daughter who was 2 years old when I came into her life Yes you eventually are going to have to tell the child that you're not the biological dad and then you are also going to have to let the mother tell that child the truth also because it will be let's just say very difficult for that child to understand things you will have to wait until she's a lot older so they can understand it just understand that they'll be a lot of hurt and a lot of anger and you'll get stuff said to you that you will not like hearing but it's just what happens
If you don't mind me asking how did she take the news when you told her everything and more
@@BIGEAGLEDUDE well she had a hard time understanding it we told her when she was 9 years old because her biological dads sister was actually causing some family drama so it caused us to have to you know talk about this... But anyways she didn't really understand what it meant but because she had cousins who already had a dad and a stepdad she was able to cope with it a lot easier... She just turned 17 last month and the reason why I say it's hard is because when she gets mad and mean as kids do that's when she'll talk about wishing her real dad was around I'm not her real dad you know stuff like that it's just a child lashing out with emotions that they don't fully understand but it's hard to hear it I will say that
@@BIGEAGLEDUDE now I will say that kids are resilient and they will work through this but it's probably one of the hardest things in fact I will say it's the hardest thing my daughter's ever had to deal with and yes she reached out to find out that she had a half-sister and she's been able to make some connections with that side of the family but it's been very limited we do expect her when she moves out of the house to explore that side of the family more but that's okay and she knows that I love her and that's never going to stop I knew it from the day I met her
@@rogermarr9067 another question you said that she's been trying or had some connections made with that side of the family what about the man that basically abandoned her and her mother because it almost sounds like if she's able to get somewhat of a connection with his side of the family at the very least he should be able to realize okay maybe I need to talk to her and try to work something out
@@BIGEAGLEDUDE now my daughter has never talked to or her biological dad she's actually only ever seen him one time and that was at a Walmart just by chance like I said the only ones that she's actually ever made a little bit of contact with is the step siblings that she found about who are all now getting to that age where they can start doing what they want
What you are doing for the girl is great. However, do you realize she went back to you after she realized the other guy wasn't what she thought? She cheated on you and moved on then when the other guy bailed out she realized you were the safe bet. You have rewarded her bad behavior.
Some dudes are just.. different. If my wife cheated on me…. Got knocked up by her lover. Let some other guy spew his seed into her.. there is no way I’d ever take her back I don’t care how many children I have with her. Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater.. this guy must have zero self respect
My husband adopted my daughter. Got new last name, new SS card. She was 5, there at the court for the adoption although she doesn’t remember it. BUT, my Ex had his parental rights taken from him as well. We had to get that done though. HOWEVER awe have always to.d her the truth that she was wanted by her dad and was adopted.
My baby mother had a baby with another man.
Dr John: marry her
A child is a child.
🍒luv ur advise on this ☝🏼 brotha!!! BIG HUGS from ur Sista’from’anotha’mista out here in good’ol-fun sunny SDcALI🍒
I think Paul is being led up the garden path by being guilt tripped into adopting his "step-daughter." You can be a perfectly fine stepdad without opening yourself to the legal pitfalls of child support payments should they split up again (and if they did it once, I think there's a higher likelihood of doing it again).
To each their own, but I kinda can't believe this guy would go to these lengths to stay with this chic. He must really be in love.
They have 1 child together
I guess this is the exact reason why you don't marry a woman who had a kid with another person. You not only lose her but you also lose the relationship you had with HER kid if something goes wrong... And you can't even do anything since the kid is not even yours biologically (he will never ever see the kid again if that happens)... that's just devastating...
All these comments saying….NO, get away from that woman. Maybe they worked it out. We don’t know the whole story. Abe they ARE meant to be together…he’s staying and being a dad to that kid. Might as well go all in !
This guy was a plan B to take care of this kid because the affair didn't work out.
I think they should get married and be in couples counseling long term by committing to at least 3 years of monthly counseling. This will simplify the adoption in a major way, this will help them anchor and heal and there is no better investment. None. This is by far the best investment they can make as a couple.
The title of the video is wrong. He didn’t as the question, nor did John answer it.
yeah but when i traced out my roots it made things a lot worse.
Why's john keep saying he's not taking the legal steps when he said like 3 times he's waiting on the court system. Also john said Alabama guy when he's from NC I don't think John was listening and more had a narrative he wanted to say
John I know you mean well but don’t try to scare him into marriage by saying she is not his daughter. The world be dammed she remembers it was Paul that held her in the tender moments. It was Paul that lifted her when she fell. He may someday be forced to be separated from her but he has the right and she has the right under God to decide in their hearts who is family. This chaos is wrought from the mother and the sperm donor deadbeat. If this situation was reversed would the caller have been treated the same?
13:39 Paul, this little girl is not your daughter. (He hesitated to say it.)
Did Dr. John just unironically drop the phrase "Racism Scholar?"
So use the other guys seed and the Beta's resources🤣
Please don't remarry her. She's for the streets!
I feel like this is bad advice. He needs to be running from this woman. Like how insane. The last thing I would have told this man was to take care of this child and marry his ex wife again. That's horrible advice. Maybe the worst advice I've ever heard dooming him to ultimately destructive future.
as we said in the usaf: embrace the suck...
Shacking up never comes to anything good. Please don't do it.