Struggling To Love Our Newly Adopted Son
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- čas přidán 24. 06. 2022
- Struggling to Love Our Newly Adopted Son
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She’s treating this child like he has a return policy. She’s saying everything like she has one foot out the door. This child is an outsider to her and “her family”. How awful to not be wanted by anybody.
Without a doubt the child can feel her lack of interest in having him around and lack of love over the others. Sick.
Awful woman . That is so cold .
This is what happens when you adopt because you want a kid. Putting yourself, feelings, and wants as the adult in the center of an adoption creates these types of issues.
Adoption is for the child. Not the adult
Thank you..
That is why I don’t adopt.
That's not true at all. Most people who adopt do so because they REALLY want kids- enough to go through strict screening and tens of thousands in legal costs. People don't adopt kids as an act of charity toward the child and it's a twisted way to think.
@@christinewatson1989 you are correct..."most" adoptors have the child's needs put first...not all however.....adoption is ALWAYS a trauma....that needs to be acknowledged first
@@deniseduggins8933 Adoption is mist certainly not always a trauma. Adopted kids SEEM to have more trauma due to the number of kids who suffer trauma prior to adoption. People like me who were adopted as babies have no ill effects from being adopted.
One tip is to constantly try to imagine things from the child’s perspective. Empathy leads to love.
This poor kid has been passed around like a bag of potato chips, how do you think he is doing with his ability to connect with others?! This poor baby.. I hope he finds a loving family!
Exactly how I’m feeling about this . Poor kid .
I know!!!
He did find a loving family. As an adoptive mom, I can relate. It takes time to bond. It takes time to come together. It's not magic. I loved Dr. John's advice and felt personally touched by it. Please don't be hard on this mama. It is courageous what she and her husband have done and I know that they're going to give this little boy everything they can and so much love.
@@rachellewellyn9062 It’s a major adjustment if you didn’t want to adopt a child. Plain and simple. People adopt because they think they should or they have friends who did or they simply cannot have more kids and don’t actually want to adopt. Plain and simple. Not a child came into my parents home while growing up that they did not have love for…. These kids came from horrible circumstances and we were a foster family for my entire life until I left the house! This woman has ZERO concept of what an actual issue is and she has attachment issues HERSELF. She loved the kids she got as INFANTS just fine… The issue is her mindset period. Love is a choice plain and simple. Period.
@@edithtierce8209 it is a big adjustment. I fully believe that. And there are situations in life that you don't know will be difficult for you until you're in them. This mom is doing the work she needs to do to improve their situation. I think she should be supported rather than judged.
I’m a foster/ adoptive mom too. The caller needs to get the book… siblings with out Rivalry. It changed our whole family! Game changer!
Thank you for reiterating that neglect is abuse, John.
It's so true! I have 7 and by far the biggest adjustment was from 2 to 3. After that, no matter the number, it's like, "Welcome to the party, new guy!" 😊
😂❤ Mom of six here (including twins and adoptive kids too). This is so true!
John knowing that the child wasn’t the problem but that it was the lifestyle change was smart. I wouldn’t have gone that route but it’s exactly what was happening.
One of the saddest most devastating issues of this entire situation is that the little boy definitely feels the distance and that alone is going to destroy his life until and unless it's amended!
That’s what it’s like having a 3 year old toddler. My wife is pregnant with twins and our son turned 3. He is an incredibly sweet boy but still has random tantrums over the dumbest things. Sometimes it’s frustrating and sometimes it’s funny and I try not to laugh. Regardless you just go with the flow and it always passes. She needs to learn how to redirect
She expected the kid to be a big brother and is mad at him not acting how she wants him to.
He's 3 years old and 3 year olds can be difficult because they are becoming more aware of the world around them. To top that off he is fully aware that he is with new people in a strange home. Please have some empathy for the baby, he has been through a lot in his little life. Have patience and love him unconditionally.
Love is a heavy high - she’s questioning whether or not she’s being cold only because she has a warm heart.
Every person adopting should watch this. Some kids are monumentally more difficult to parent than others and can really upset the family dynamic. # of family members is meaningless. You can have one child and that one can have more needs than 5 kids combined.
I wouldn’t say it’s meaningless - having two kids has got to be easier to give love and attention than 8 🤷♀️
Yes. My youngest (my biological child) has ADHD and OCD and was always so much harder than his older three siblings. For the first time in my life I got PPD and postpartum anxiety and panic attacks. He’s still harder at five years old.
Neglect = abuse, we adopted teens, I was reminded that when kids are squirly and yell that they hate you, you remember when they sat in your lap and said so sweetly I love you. The caller missed that and has an annoying toddler. He will be 5, then 6 and like my grandson, (who we are raising) will look up at me and say 'I love you Gan Gan' I am saving these memories for when he is a teen. These memories will happen for the caller as well.
I want to adopt because I look at every child and I want to get to know them. And listen and nothing is more amazing than feeling that 14 year old look at you and that light bulb turns on in there head when certain wisdoms kick in. I grew up in a traumatic child hood and now. I connect with transient children and they flock and want attention
John is right about going from 2 to 3.
Also I think because her first two adoptions went well I think she had the false assumption that every single adoption there after was going to have the same outcome.
They have a hard road ahead.
Love is a choice you make every day. Your emotions and feelings surrounding this adoption are not the same as whether or not you choose to love this child the same.
It’s ok to mourn the life you thought you would have , but then you gotta go love the life you are living . It’s a choice. Parenting and adoption is HARD, and often thankless. Those moments where you probably don’t like your kids are the moments they are begging for connection....pressing in rather than pulling away and being their calm rather than joining their chaos is hard work. But so SO SO worth it in the long run.
Dealing with this with my third child ( also adopted) she is just now, at almost 6, wanting to hug me and not fight me about every little thing. She follows me around and wants to do things with me all the sudden. I don’t think for one second that she didn’t want to before, but she was guarding her heart until she felt safe to allow me in.
I hope this mom doesn’t give up. Its a hard , sanctifying journey , but worth all the struggles.
I hope the caller reads your comment.
If screen time and laziness are abuse then lots of parents are abusers.
Too much of anything isn’t good so… I would say it falls under the neglect umbrella which is a form of abuse
technology is the future. it started in the 80s when I was a kid and got my first Nintendo game set. my kids have amazon kids tablet and they love them. they talk to their friends on the tablet especially out of the school for the summer.
@@Jessthebes Except Dr D doesn’t have any info on how much screen time the child actually had. It feels irresponsible for him to advise her to distance the child from his grandparents based on no information. It’s ok for the father to be around the child angry? Let’s cherry pick what’s ok based on who is calling. Dr D’s kids have zero screen time. In his eyes any screen time is abuse. Sorry but that just isn’t the world we now live in. Kids at school use tablets. If you don’t know how to use one when you start school you’re already behind. There is good screen time and bad screen time.
It depends I kmow parents who would lock their kids in a room with a tablet and leave. The kids crying the parents just make them watch TV. It sad cause the kids really just want to play.
neglect is a real thing.
Sounds like she/they didn’t really want another kid-the grandparents asked them to do it and they agreed. That’s the anger.
This one is an interesting watch for me as my parents began to foster me when I was 3 and finalized adoption when I was 4. Because of the circumstances leading to that I couldn’t speak essentially at all and wasn’t even potty trained. I know that I was certainly difficult for my family. But they worked through it and I was raised and loved no differently than my three biological siblings. I say that to the extent that unless someone told you I was adopted you’d never be able to tell the difference at all. I even look like my family (and yes I have confirmed that I am not biologically related 😂). And it does sound like what John is saying that’s it’s a lifestyle thing more than the child themselves. And hearing that gives me an interesting perspective thinking of my family. When my adoption was finalized my parents added a fourth child after they’d previously stopped having children. They were both in their early 40s taking on a four year kid who had challenges. My three siblings all had to adapt to me as well. So listening to this almost makes it even more incredible about how amazing my life turned out with how much adaptation and change my entire family had to have and that there was never a doubt from anybody that they loved me as much as possible.
She sounds depressed. I'm glad she KNOWS she needs help, she just needs to take further steps to get past this hump.
Just want to congratulate John on reaching 100k subscribers. I Joined at 12k. Proud of you man
You can't hurry love. But you can do good parenting things, in a calm and reassuring way, and let time heal wounds. Maybe something was said in this call, that wasn't in this short clip. About the grandparents: don't allow them to guilt trip the adoptive parents.
As a stepparent to a very troubled boy, I made unintrusive body contact by readin aloud from books. When a book interested him very much, I read it again and again, until every word was familiar. This is reassuring for the child. Choose only quality childlitterature to begin with. Give him duplo (or similar in wood) to play with all the while you read to the younger ones. On a very low volume play classical music in largo tempo in the background all day - it is called the Mozart effect, it is good for mood and intelligence, they say, and it cannot hurt, but can calm everybody down. But if one listens it is varied and beautiful.
You don't need to have an immediate sweet kisses and hugs relationship, think about him as a scared puppy who needs time to observe everything about his new pack and pack-leaders, and to notice that his new context is safe and that he can trust. Use repetition and lean on schedules as much as you can manage - that is pure love for one who needs to heal from devastating disruptions and lack of predictability.
Regulate the screen-time only cautiously, it might be that in front of the screen was his safe-place, so turn on like some web-cam from something really gentle, like how birdparents feed their nestlings, or cat is viewing out the window, or wild squirrels visit a feedingspot, or the like.
And then go about your daily business and talk like to yourself: now I'm going to do this and now I'm doing that - making the beds, folding the laundry, picking up the baby-toys, starting preparing lunch, small talk about everything you do with the household and the smaller children. It will be good for his language development, and he will learn to know what you are thinking about. His greates fair might be that you'll abandon him, so this will feel secure for him. This is a special needs child, so read about it and talk with councellers, and also take all Dr John's advice to try to organize your all's life so that your all's needs are met. You might need and get many good tips.
I read Thomas Gordon's books on active parenting again and again, and with every reading a helpful idea struck me. Find your favourite experts in a library or on line or in your community. I got the feeling your so warmhearted and responsible that your parenting standards are very high - sky high - so maybe "good-enough parenting" is a soothing thought for you? It allows us to be good enough children, human beings, neighbours, spouses, what ever, make us more relaxed and judging ourselves less relentlessly. Nobody needs to be perfect!
I was very moved that you wanted to adopt this troubled boy who needed a family, he needed this new safe context - and all will grow from there, mostly harmouniously, but sometimes confrontations and leaps will happen, it is only normal and natural.
All the best wishes, with trust and encouragement!
I love your words of advice.
@@Kay_Cee.81 Thank you, I love it, if my experiences come to good use also for some parent, who needs hope and food for thought.
Ann, please look up post adoption depression.
My wife and I adopted a kid through foster care. We felt the same way after a year. She was 10 at the point. She is now 14 and adopted and has completely changed. It takes time.
Our greatest demise is our own expectations…flexibility is the key…taking it day by day
I feel so sorry for the baby boy. They seem to have gone into this with some instagram fantasy. I hope they'll adapt otherwise he will always feel unloved.
I don't think it was an Instagram fantasy. I think they adopted two kids and it went really well and then they just assumed that it would be the same thing every time.
There's absolutely a huge change from two kids to three kids. Add to that a more difficult situation, and there you go
If you haven’t adopted, you can’t understand. I’ve adopted two at birth, 3 as older children and had two biological. The bonding/attachment process is just different when you don’t have them as babies. I don’t care who you are, it’s going to be hard. Babies are wired to connect! They make you love them. Children with broken attachments are just harder to bond with. Period. I hate seeing people attacked when they are the ones actually willing to take the child in and TRY!
I wonder if part of her struggle is that she didn't choose this adoption. The family came to them and asked them for this situation. On top of everything else.
Great analysis of the problem! The feeling of being overwhelmed and stressed.
When you say putting your kid on screens as abuse I understand the emotion behind that.
But there's a huge difference between actual neglect abuse where a child is not fed, not clothes, not given medical attention etc.
And things that we might consider to be harmful.
So when you call those grandparents child abusers, I don't like that at all. And I like John but I really don't like that statement.
Those are people who are probably elderly and it's very difficult for them to keep up with an active rambunctious 3 year old. I'm not saying I agree with their parenting of him and I'm not saying that they didn't do something harmful by just putting him on the phone all the time. I do think that's harmful for a child.
But you can't sit there and call somebody a child abuser with neglect when they fed, clothed etc.
Thats just not right to call them that, John.
There are many different kinds of neglect and that is an emotional neglect withholding
This is so real, and I want to hug the sweet mom who called in. My husband and I went from one child to three when we unexpectedly got pregnant with twins. I love all three of my children with every bit of my heart but there has absolutely been grief over the loss of what we pictured our life with two kids would be like. Parenting three little children (our oldest was 2.5 when our twins were born) is like being underwater constantly, even under the best of circumstances. I fully relate to mourning being able to enjoy one or two children to referring three. It’s a completely different dynamic, and it’s mentally, physically, and emotionally emotionally draining.
Praying for you Mom! 🙏
Ok I'll chime in here. I don't know how much it could help.
My and my wife decided to adopt due to many miscarriages and shortly after that decision she got pregnant and she was able to carry her to full term. Due to our laws in my state we couldn't adopt until she was at least 9 months old (I believe) but we decided to wait over a year before we went back into the process. (We have a book and the birth mom / dad would look them over and decide on a family they wanted to meet before making the final decision.)
We ended up being matched to a little boy a few months later. Now my daughter is a little over 2 years old and let me tell you, until you have a child (for most people) you don't really know just how much you can love someone. Once this little boy was brought into our lives I have always struggled still now 20 months later having the same love/patients/compassion for him as I do my daughter. But I also realize that the circumstances are different. I didn't get to see the same bond with him as I did my son (kicking in her stomach gently putting my head on her stomach watching her be over joyed with her first child breast feed etc etc) plus the birth mom smoked and did drugs which greatly effects his behavior which makes liking him more difficult. 9 months after my son was born my wife got pregnant again. It was a little unexpected but we were happy. I told my wife and myself that this was it. No more than 3 kids. Well, the birth mother got pregnant 2.5 months after giving birth and didn't tell us about that baby until 1 month before her due date. (This is only 2 months after finding out my wife is pregnant) so of course we had to take in this little girl that was about to be born. That meant my picture of 3 kids was gone (resentment is still there for me about this, it's something I struggle with) an extra kid is much more expensive for us and it's hard to do the things we wanted to do with an extra child. Our house isn't big enough, our vehicle etc. It's been a burden but it was one we are willing to take on. It isn't the child's fault we know that but that doesn't change a lot for how we feel inside. Now I have a 4 year old, an almost 2 year old, and almost 1 year old, and a 3 mo th old. I connected better with my daughter and newly born son because my oldest son has behavioral issues, and the youngest daughter was very unexpected and also has some behavior problems. I would do anything for them the same, but I do notice my patience etc as stated above is different. It's no one's fault. But I believe this is just a season of life. Yours is to. It'll come around for both of us!
God bless.
@Nvr Dwn - So if I understand your post correctly, it sounds like you have a deeper connection to your biological children than your adopted children. I hope you are getting counseling for that and really are taking steps to change that thought process because if you are not, this will bite you big time one day. I actually feel very sorry for your adopted kids.
@@thewordistruth399 it'll come around on its own. Things have already changed a lot and the course trends that way. The world has an expectation of how things should go. People can either be honest or lie and keep it inside. Lying and keeping it in is far worse. People react to things way differently than others. Just because a child comes into your life rather it be willingly or not does not and in most cases will not mean instant love. It like most things take time. There isn't anything wrong with it. My biological children are treated a little better but it's only due to how they act. They aren't raging screaming throwing hitting demolishing the house. If they were I would be shorter with them no doubt. It isn't the kids fault or mine for that matter. It is something that will have to be corrected by both of us over time.
I appreciate your honesty. I know myself and I don’t think I would have the patience and extra love for an adopted child for a few reasons. I personally don’t have a lot of extra time, I appreciate serenity in my home, and I don’t feel I posses the ability to connect with a child that’s not my own. God bless you though for trying and doing your best.
@@Jo-vu1me It is definitely harder to make that connection, especially after having your own and getting to experience the way things are intended.
We want to adopt someday, but I worry about these same issues. Thanks for being honest! I can’t imagine that many little ones in the house at one time- so close in age! Praying for your family. Thank you for adopting and loving those little ones, some days are better than others.
Humans are not capable of handling odd numbers. I was 2 of 3, and anytime there is a situation of three - at work, with friends - two will always pal up and gang up on the third. My siblings ganged up on me and my parents approved by choosing the two over me, blaming me for ruining the family as a child. They were happy with me leaving the family - they told relatives that they were now a happy family of four as God intended. I was the devil's curse on them.
So sad to hear, hope you are in a better place.
sounds like this child makes the couple put in more effort/time than they had to with the other children and because they are not biologically connected to the child, it makes it easier to not connect with the child. I hope they are able to hang on and hang in because with children, biological or not; you never know what you are going to get, just know that lil boy needs you and is 100% innocent, good luck!
They need real ongoing therapy.
@ 1:55 she said all three of their kids are adopted. So…. It’s not just because this last one wasn’t biological.
@@CJ2023Incognito I know she said all three are adopted. I said this child has more needs than the others, they have to be more hands on with him; possibly much more than the other children
You finally said it dr John!!! Last that’s what people are
2 to 3 transition is super real!!!
Love is a choice...choose to love him.
It’s also a verb! Love is something you need to put into action. It may also be a feeling, but that feeling is nothing without deliberate action. Whatever she feels right now in this season of transition (however real or valid those feelings may be) isn’t the most pressing problem at hand. Right now it is about showing that little boy love through actions, and not giving up on him. Making the choice each day to be lovingly committed to him and proving to him (and perhaps even to herself) through choices and actions that he is loved, he is cared for, and that he is safe.
Those actions are love in motion, and are what love is really about. Love doesn’t mean perfection, it’s a commitment to demonstrating your love through action. If all you do everyday is show that little boy acts of unconditional love and make that the priority rather than focusing on invoking feelings within yourself, in time those feelings will eventually come too. But it starts with a choice, and that choice doesn’t involve giving up.
Man I went from 1 to 4 kids within one year. It was wild! I was a single parent with 1 5yo boy, got with my wife and added a 9yo boy & a 3yo girl, then sure enough a year later we had a new baby girl. 🤦🏽♂️ boy did my life pick up and the last 7 years has been wild. 😂😭
Love is an action first, a feeling next.
No body tells you about? I’m single with no kids despite my desire for them and I’ve heard relentlessly about the struggle from 2-3.
A lot of judgement in the comments. She is struggling with a monumental challenge of raising three little ones on top of the newest child bringing trauma and a family that are making it hard for her to set healthier habits for him. She never said she thought it would be easy, you can never be fully prepared for the first time you do anything, no matter how much research you do. She is doing her best and asking for help. Kudos mama, you will find your stride soon!
At the very least the child is the real victim of the story. I don’t blame her for reaching out for help. I applaud her for being self aware enough to ask for help. I question her decision to call in to a public show that could one day come to the attention of this little boy and how that will affect him.
After my parents divorced and my dad married the woman he’d most recently had an affair with we were out to lunch and he told me he loved me but he never should’ve had kids. Let that sink in. My FATHER said he never should’ve had kids. What else could I assume but that while he claimed to love me, he wished I and my siblings hadn’t been born.
It took a long long LONG painful time for me to realize what he actually meant was we deserved a better father than him. But that kind of initial reaction and words leaves scars even after realization comes. So she deserves a bit of the pushback she’s getting along with hope for her and her family. She’s an adult who made choices. And those come with consequences for everyone.
I feel sorry for the little boy. Their life doesn’t fit the rosey picture of the big family anymore, and he’s become the blame for that. What a huge stretch for Dr John to tell her to distance him from the adoptive grandparents. The adoption professionals they are dealing with who are in the know have a better idea of the history and needs of that child. The need to villainize and blame the grandparents is going to hurt this child more in the long run. Screen time on its own is not child abuse. We don’t know what he was watching and how often he was watching it. Give it a year and this mom might be finding that an hour of screen time a day is needed in order to bring balance to her family. If so that’s ok.
Giving an UNDER TWO year old child a tablet is 100% neglectful. We’re not talking about a ten year old getting one hour a day after they play outside.
@@rebeccashields9626 There are baby games now, and Baby Einstein videos. But the experts themselves suggested the grandparents remain involved, so I’m going to assume they know the situation more than Dr John or the caller.
@@murderofcrows7738 a better solution would be to present the family with easy to understand articles and data about how awful tablets are for young kids and explain what the rules will be going forward. If you listen and are kind in your interactions most people are reasonable.
2 to 3 is a whole new ballgame!
There are some secrets you take to your grave. Like “I wished we’d stopped at two.” Because every “I love you”, no matter how real, to every child after those first two after they heard that truth will forever be suspect.
God bless them for even trying and being there. Keep loving him. You already made progress, meaning what you are doing is slowly working! 🙏🏽❤️ Y’all are going God’s work, and it’s hard. KEEP going, he will appreciate y’all like no other one day!
So sad for this kid . This is not fair to the kid. He deserves to be loved and cared for . Maybe get counseling.
I had that with my last 2 natural children. For a variety of reasons, but mostly that they fought constantly for at least 15 years. We actually all got there eventually. They are finally friends, but good grief. Love them to pieces
Just knowing that this Ann feels this way is so top on, I think she’ll do fantastic I think she will in time, the boy is very lucky and as the other two.
Adopting a child that is older than an infant is verrrrry different. It is more a slow falling love. Many months may go by before suddenly you realize it has crept up on you. Our son was 5. If I could go back and give myself advice, I would hold him more, hug him more. Let him feel what it feels like to be loved. He is going to need that. And, yes, going from two to three-two is company, three is a mafia.
The child knows you don’t love him.
I hope their hearts are softened or that that little baby boy is in a different home where he is loved.
May God's hand always be on his life, when people shun him let God be the one to claim him as his own, when people curse him let God bless him, and bless him abundantly. Where people fail him I pray that God will be the one to guide him, guard him, protect him, love him UNCONDITIONALLY, and always be there and keep him under his wing. In the mighty name of Jesus Christ I pray this over his life. No man, woman or spirit who will come across this prayer can take it away from his life nor will evil plans prosper against his life. No man, woman or spirit who will come across him in his life can still his blessings, he will possess his possessions, he will be a man remembered for love, the very thing that those in his life has failed him on will be his legacy. In the might name of Jesus Christ. Amen🤲🏾🤲🏾
Open adoption is not co parenting. Kids need to have knowledge of their biological link. Other than that, you are their parent.
I'd be dead if my adopters took your advice. It is entirely a case by case basis.
That poor baby 😢
i feel like she may also just intuitively be feeling what the kid is feeling . he has no real concept of connection if he was in front of a screen all the time. he doesnt FEEL the connection cuz that hasnt been nurtured in him. only time and nurturing from parents will help that
He needs speech, probably occupational therapy and play therapy. I found my son at 3 and as an 8 year old he goes thru phases of adjusting . I love him but not how he acts sometimes. We signed up to love him unconditionally…when mine acts up he needs more love.
I think kids come to our life to teach us about unconditional love. In baby stage they are a blessings and precious. After they grow up. Their identity started and our problem begin.
Kids are selfish, immature and unconscious with their behaviour.
However, We all have ability to provide unconditional love but not all the time, especially not when they are misbehaved, not when we are not in peace with ourselves. Give yourself a break!!
The truth is, we have to stop feeling guilty and stop beating ourselves up for feeling bad with their behaviour , or feeling disconnected with them.
It’s only possible to love unconditionally all the time when you become enlightenment.
What is lady need right now is to love herself unconditionally. Good or bad please love yourself first, accept yourself the way you are. You are not a bad person to feel this way.
Love can grow from that.
This is so true! Even as babies they’re not always precious but you can overlook that since it’s literally instinct and not their fault. When their personalities start to form and their “negative” traits come out, thats where the challenge is. I agree with everything you said.
3 kids is a huge change, it’s always someone left out senario.
I feel for this woman. I do. But this should’ve been private therapy not public therapy. Because this one will absolutely come back to bite the poor kid.
You chose to adopt. How dare you make loving a child conditional
OOOO it makes sense. She needs to reduce the time with those grandparents.
It sounds like the grandparents where exhausted and just were trying to do what they could. To say it was abusive and not even know what their physical, mental, emotional, of financial position. It’s so ignorant to blame the grandparents
You better watch "The Equalizer" with Denzel Washington resturant scene when he verbally confronts the bad guy. Listen very carefully to that scene.💀
You dont love him because he is not yours. She adopted for self esteem
All her kids are adopted and she loves the other two.
Because she was hospitalized for her first 14 weeks and she had a lot of health problems, I felt more like a nurse than a mother for her first year. Man, I felt guilty for 15-20 years.With my first child, after everyone left my room the night he was born, I felt a wave of love for him. When I say wave, I mean a literal wave. It hit me like a large ocean wave would.
With my 2nd, it didn't happen. I loved her but it is different when someone else is caring for your child. The deep love came on gradually. As I write this, it just occurred to me that it was probably a combo of someone else being responsible for her, the difficulty in taking care of her medical care, and trying to protect my heart because we thought she would die.
My cousin & her hubby were asked to adopt the 7+/- yo child of someone at their church. It was really hard for quite a while. The kid had been passed around between Mom, grandparents & various family members. For the first year or so he was attached at the hip to my cousin and was pretty mean to her husband. It took some talking and working with him to get that behavior to stop. Funny thing is that now he's a daddy's boy.
The issue doesn't really matter. You walk the walk and talk the talk until your child becomes a part of you.
You also need to keep your mouth shut. Quit talking to people about not loving your child. That's going to bite your child in the butt someday. How will he feel when someone accidentally tells him that Mommy didn't love him at first? Your child's feelings matter, yours don't.
Takes a good year not months for attachments to form. No one tells you how hard adoption is.
Overall if people put ego on the side and educate themselves on better decision making we can have better life . Unfortunately, that’s not the case.
I stopped with having kids after the first one. Trying to give him all I can as a parent, but it actually does not hurt me when I get asked “why I am the only child?”
Raising a child in the USA does not only take financial resources, but also a lot of psychological stamina. Public schools have no resources for all kids, culture and diminishing values, social media is the worst thing that could happen to this generation
I am in the uk they don’t let you adopted children out of birth order eg if you have a 10 year old you cannot adopt a child. Older than 9
She shouldn’t have agreed to adopt the child if she won’t treat him like her own. If that was her biological child she would have more patience. That child even if u don’t show him that u r struggling to love him will feel it. Do both ur selves a favor if u don’t think u can love him like ur own just give him to a loving family
Take family leave and learn to bond with him. You both need time to connect.
Is it too late to ask for a closed adoption? Genuine question.
Too many people are completely delusional about the realities of adoption. Adoption doesn't replace biological children you can't have. It doesn't involve the same steps, the same bonding process, or same issues.
It's a completely different family building process. Being an infant doesn't totally mitigate this either. Many adoptees, even ones adopted at birth struggle to bond and have abandonment issues.
I have grown up to feel no parental bond to my adoptive parents. I beg of people to be fully educated on ALL the possibilities when it comes to adoption. I beg of people to think first and foremost for the child and understand your feelings are secondary. They should be no matter what kind of parent, but unfortunately adoptees are often treated as second class citizens to be grateful for whatever scraps we get.
She sounds depressed. Agencies,media tell you the wonders of adoption. But adoption is harder work than biological kids. And you need tons of support and breaks. Therapy and time.
Two recommendations based on our similar experience: Theraplay and the research done by Dr Karyn Purvis in adopting children from trauma.
He needs to be with a better family. All of these people sound terrible.
After reading through more comments I think people are being unfair with the mother. She’s struggling and that’s ok. And I respect her for being brave enough to acknowledge an extremely difficult truth that comes with a lot of judgement. And because she is willing to admit to her frustrations and it’s continuing to give the kid efforts and isn’t giving up that there’s hope for their future. I’d be more concerned if she wouldn’t admit to things and continually lie to herself and never get help. But being willing to own up to very difficult truths says there’s character there and with character there’s hope.
Yes!! She should be supported for calling in & asking for guidance!! There is So much to unpack here! Previous adoptions were infants . . That’s a Whole Lot different than an older toddler . They were asked to adopt this little guy but were Not given a complete background of potential challenges ahead of time . . . Basically lied to. Now it’s leaking out a little at a time. Not everyone is able to raise a potentially special needs child (neurological dysfunction, possible RAD, other) . . & I’ve personally seen adoption agencies withhold vital info from potential adopters! It’s sad. Then there’s expectations based on past adoption experience & yes the family dynamic change going from 2 to 3 kids. The parents need support & to be surrounded by loving & caring people who have walked this path!
Whats really unfair is what the baby is having to deal with.
I don't understand the people who say love isn't a feeling, it's a choice. You either love someone or you don't.
What if all you know is a woman that doesn’t love you 😭
Give that little boy to a family that will love him. I’m sure your intentions were pure but he deserves to be with people who love him. He’s just a baby and doesn’t know any better. Not saying the caller and her husband are wrong, I won’t comment on them since I’m not in their shoes. I’m sure their feelings are valid. Dr John is right, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Make sure you’re right with yourself before intentionally bringing another little one to your family.
Good grief. Children are not pets you give away just because you’re dealing with something.
I question the grandparents being lazy. 🤔Are they lazy or just too old and never should’ve had that responsibility? There’s a reason why older women cannot have children. I do not believe grandparents, in general, make the best parents. They are in a different phase of their lives! They experience health issues and don’t have the same strength and energy as they once had.
I couldn't listen to this woman talk. What a betrayal of this child.
How old are the grandparents? What’s their health status?Taking a hardline without more info here, John. I too am against all this screen time especially for toddlers but she already said they couldn’t care for him anymore. What does that mean? You want fairness for her struggle, don’t write off theirs.
Adoption is a purchase without a return policy.
I would never adopt. Just keeping it real.
I recommend the movie Sound of Hope: The True Story of Possum Trot.
Neglect is abuse. C'mon
I hope you’re being facetious. 👀
What was the answer to her problem though?
The cosmos?
She bought into an idea not loving a child unconditionally.
Exactly. She always wanted a big family because she thought it would he glamorous and fun. Turns out it’s more work and she just isn’t into that.
@@murderofcrows7738 This the truth!! Babies aren't an accessory.
I really don't understand her issue.
You have a lovely 3 year old boy. Don't adopt if it's not for you. You're adding to the pain of these poor children.
You're right you don't. If you don't understand something then you should know not to comment on it so you don't look like a fool.
Good thing you're not a therapist
This wasn't helpful, to say my honest opinion as straight-forwardly as you expressed yours.
@@nvrdwn3140
Everyone is entitled to an opinion, even you. Just because you don't like what she has to say doesn't mean she can't post her opinion.
You can disagree with her opinion but it's wrong to tell someone they shouldn't post their opinions/or don't have the right to post just because you disagree. Who the hell do you think you are? God? The opinion police? Gtfoh.
@@nvrdwn3140 The only one who looks like a fool is you trying to tell people what they should or shouldn't comment in the comment section of a social platform.
He keeps interrupting her…. Please, let her speak…..
I hope it works out but he’s probably going to see this video one day lol
I think this is pretty awful but that’s me
No, the truth is she may not ever connect with him. That’s real. So why feed her the toxic positivity.
So the issue is screen time? Not the trauma of re-homing? Got it ..
This is what bad mothers do. They pick on a little defenseless kid and project/blame their misery on. Get it together lady! If you are feeling less loved by your husband fix it with him as grownups instead of resenting the child that you DECIDED to have.
Sounds very selfish and self centered. Kids are not purses. Stop adopting for the wrong reasons and you won't have this issue. People are disgusting.
Children should be adopted as the “baby” of the family. Trying to add an older sibling can be really difficult.
Footing the bill for irresponsible people by raising their children that have no genetic relation to you lol
what would you prefer happen in these situations?
@@Kiyonce.Kartier maybe to be reasonable? Ya know, not kill babies because you cant control yourself
Always got to push that radical pro abortion ideology, 24/7
All babies are a blessing. Many wonderful people have been adopted. The list of know names is long. Notably, Steve Jobs. He is one of many that had loving people open their hearts and homes for a lasting legacy.