“I’m So Close to Divorce It’s Not Funny!”
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- čas přidán 22. 09. 2022
- “I’m So Close to Divorce It’s Not Funny!”
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I love how Dr. John can drag the caller, kicking and screaming into less vague language and self awareness.
And most of the time, the callers are still vague when he does that.
Boys are brought up to shut off emotions: except for anger. So that leaves SO MANY men who cannot figure out what's wrong, why they're angry, sad, anxious, depressed, miserable.
I honestly pray for all the men in the world. Showing ALL emotions is a beautiful and courageous thing ❤
Girls as well. I was taught this too, by example, punishments...and "Stop crying or I'll GIVE you something to cry about!"
Seriously?? This told me that the reason I was crying was stupid, which meant I was stupid and that what I was upset about _didn't matter._ My emotions *didn't matter.*
*I DIDN'T MATTER.*
Good going parents. 👏🏻......👏🏻......👏🏻
We need to teach stoicism.
@@starlingswallow So true...where was the love and empathy from our parents??
@@starlingswallowMy mom was the same in the way she talked to us (boys and girls) when we were crying: stop pissing your eyes. 😅
Yeah it certainly is hard. Growing up my father struggled with issues with his anger but I would usually break into tears when it happened. And for awhile when I began my relationship with my wife 12 years ago for the first year or so I noticed that same anger coming from me. Luckily I woke up and saw what I was becoming and got that out of my behavior and don’t struggle with that anymore. But it took a lot of self awareness that the harm growing up that I hated so much was starting to come from me and that I needed to stop from becoming what I didn’t want to be. But it’s a challenge when you aren’t taught to process things in a healthy way but I also try to remember that my parents grew up with parents who were super angry and just were harsh with punishment which helps me to grasp the challenge of them teaching proper emotion. My dad had the anger but my mom didn’t and so it was milder than they had which in a way is a positive
So his wife can't be mad about him hurting her 12 years ago, but he has no prob being mad at his parents from 40 years ago 🤔 ok
She’s only mad at him for what happened 12 years ago, because he hasn’t changed one bit. He’s not even sorry for hurting her and refuses to apologize because it’s not “heart felt?”😂 He’s not sorry at all.
Yeah that’s hard to listen to and makes you question what hope there is. I get not wanting actions of the past hanging over your head or being used to guilt you when convenient and many times I think that’s fair to feel if you’ve apologized and done what you can to fix it. But the idea that it happened twelve years ago, you’re over it, and that now you can’t give a heart felt apology is concerning to me about what love or empathy there really is for his wife. Even if you’re over what you actually did at that time I would think you’d at least feel the need to apologize for the effects that are still felt by the woman you love and you’d feel remorse for the hurt that she still feels from it. I’m far from perfect but there are still things I did at the beginning of our relationship that I express regret and remorse for to my wife even now because it still hurts to think back to that tiem and remember the hurt it caused to her. So it’s striking to hear how he spoke of this but I think we can change but it requires some serious acceptance of how wrong you were and ownership. Once you get to that point of ownership of your actions the way you stop being so defensive over those things like he seems to be here. I hope he figures it out and let’s go of things he’s harboring because what Dr. D says about drinking the poison and hoping it hurts somebody else is extremely true. But I also hope he learns just how much freedom comes with that ownership and moving forward with things and how amazing your marriage becomes once you get there.
Correct. It's not hard to understand
I mean one is childhood trauma that impacts someone for the rest of their life and the other is a marital dispute that she supposedly moved on from but keeps in her back pocket as a cudgel
The cycle repeats
At least the man is willing to try. I wish my husband of 35 years had once addressed why I was always so sad, and why I finally gave up.
I'm just a commenter but i think this guy would do well to take his wife on a date and just let her talk all night and really listen. And to make sure he understands her and that she feels understood.
Hmm.... I don't think so. 🤔 we forget that EMPATHY, is LEARNED. His wife can talk all day and night long but if he doesn't know how to engage emotionally and practice empathy, it's pointless. Trust me...I know, my husband is just like this. It sucks.
@@sarahkhalil6789 I totally agree. My boyfriend was the same, he had some empathy (more so for animals not humans 😂). But I leaned on him as a “rock” bc he is emotional stable but he never understood what I felt and I knew that. He was a good listener but not an empathizer.
I lean on my family when I need empathy. Even my dad is very empathetic. Sometimes we have our needs met by family and friends, not our partner.
Or his wife would do well to find a man who knows how to love and show gratitude and appreciation.
@@sarahkhalil6789you didn't realize that about your partner before you married him?
Unfortunately, this may be the opposite of what the wife wants. Sounds like she’s been bearing the burden of communicating their whole marriage. Being asked to recite everything again can feel like a punishment, not a gift. He needs to do the talking.
This was the most challenging call I can think of! Unfortunately I have a feeling lots of guys have this same conditioning.
One thing about this guy that's awesome, is that he isn't hiding his stuff - the parts he understands. He thinks he doesn't have self-awareness, but he has a lot. He just has to keep going.
He's detached from his emotions and has little self awareness of why he does things. I was abused as a child and to become a whole person is tough. Growing takes a lot of understanding and self forgiveness.
I dated a guy like this. They feel so bad about themselves and any little pinprick you do to make them feel blame or shame makes them irrationally angry. They have such a difficult time accepting fault and feeling vulnerable. Everything is everybody else’s fault. No idea how they can help themselves and change but I am glad he is an EX lol
I'm not buying it. You were probably the cause of it.
@@mikenelson8377 Well since the break up I’ve been in a very happy relationship because we actually talk through our issues. I used to get screamed at over a simple "what you said hurt my feelings" conversation. It was very abusive. I never yelled back, called him names or anything like that because I wanted it to work, despite not getting the same respect. He never once apologized. Sometimes people are just so broken they leak toxicity onto everyone else around them 🤷♀️
Dated someone like this too. The amount of being yelled at over the smallest things was unbearable. It all comes from how they were raised. He came from a very dysfunctional family.
@@mikenelson8377 lmao
@@tiffanynicoley I honestly doubt that. I wanna hear his side of the story.
I kinda feel like they need to make sure David isn’t suicidal. He sounds like he has lost hope. Prayers he gets things figured out.
What I hear is a guy who is inwardly focused and trying to figure out how to be happy. In my experience, that is a recipe for unhappiness. He would do well to focus on his wife's needs instead of his own reasons for unhappiness. It might also help if he volunteered his time in organizations to help others, just to get out of his own head. His wife asked him for an apology, a simple thing to do, and instead of giving her one, gave her a reason it wouldn't feel right to him. He's convinced he can't change and as the saying goes: Whether you think you can or you think you can't, either way you're right.
Marriage is WORK. Many couples say they have tried everything, and often that isn't true, there is something they could do to get the marital-fire blazing brighter than it's ever been, but one or both isn't wiling to do it. It isn't enough to have chemistry, both need connection and a passion for self-development.
This guy needs to do a lot of work on himself. I love Dr D’s line “you want the championship but you won’t go to the weight room”.
YUUUUP
Yep, and if he does it right, he'll get rid of his manipulative wife, or she will also seek counseling and they'll grow together.
This conversation was everything, and I think it may have changed my life. I get you David.
You care enough to call, so you can work on this and get better. Please take care of yourself. When you feel angry, find a better channel to cope. Some people work out, some chop wood, some walk, jog, run, or whatever. Things can get better for you. If one therapist doesn't work, you can find another.
be present with the people in your life and let them come to you.
The more I listen to this, I feel bad for him, his pain is so deep and he can’t get out of the hole. I think he grew up feeling lonely and alone. Physical touch and long hugs go a long way. He needs a hug and be told everything is okay.
I think he should start with a gratitude journal. Maybe something simple like "I'm grateful for the heat from the sun." Then turn it into something more meaningful occasionally like "I'm grateful for my wife's patience during my slump in my life". Maybe that'll have small changes in mindset and it's not TOO hard?
He sounds clinically depressed, actually.
"You wanna win the championship but you don't wanna go on the team retreat, you don't wannna eat right..." ... WOW.
Here's a suggestion that he might try. When he is excited (anxious) or angry, don't raise your voice. Keep it level and under control. Then the people around you won't get intimidated by your feelings and be afraid of you.
That's even more terrifying really.
He needs to stop being mad.
Wow De D ,this was a tough one and you were brilliant.This guy has lost hope but hopefully you pulled him back in.If he reads the comments I hope he knows he's worth everything, just the fact that he knows there's a problem is enough reason to believe he will make it
The hardest work to do on earth is work on one’s self.
I’m glad he called in. I feel like that’s a step. He just needs to make his mind up to truly change.
Caller said John said at the beginning of the call 'he could hear the anger in his voice' but he never said that.
They edit the calls to cut out the slow/unnecessary parts :)
@@georgieeve2026 i didnt think so either
he literally said “why does that make you mad right now”……
I hear ANXIETY, not anger.
Oh he's seething.
The first caller has a lot of pain, anger, he's frustrated. He's probably not feeling well about himself.
He doesn't feel like he deserves a better life. When you are told as a kid that you are a worthless, then you believe it.
Also his wife wanted an apology, if he knows he's wrong, then why not apologize.
My husband is the same way. I ask him, can you just apologize. He shakes his head like a 3 year old
It's hard for many of us to comprehend that anyone might not feel love and empathy but there are ppl who do not feel these emotions. They are not capable of it. They learn how they are supposed to act by watching others. I think David sounds exhausted and doesn't want to deal with it because he knows he doesn't feel what he needs too. I think he probably knows it will be constant work and maybe he doesn't have the energy to be someone he's not. I don't recall him saying he doesn't want a divorce because he loves his wife. I don't recall him talking about love at all. If the ppl in his life can't accept this, he'll end up alone. These are just opinions I have from being married to someone who has no empathy and I really don't think he feels love like most of us. My husband can't give me what he isn't capable of so I'll either accept it or let it end our marriage. Listening to this call was like listening to my own story. I thought I could break through my husband's tough guy exterior but it's almost impossible when it's interior as well.
I love how Dr. John handled this one.
i don’t. he sounded angry for some reason??? it was weird
Yeah. He's looking at all the external stuff. He needs to let that go and look at himself.
Who's David going to be? Who is David going to become?
*Dang.* I wish my parents would have asked me these question. The LACK of these kind of talks and questions are why I have spent my life feeling, like David, that I have no value.
Now I know I do. God says so and *I* say so.
He only needs to LEARN to appreciate what he has today, his family. His wife.
He needs to see who is in his life, some people are alone and have nothing, tomorrow they might no be there with you.
Dude write down every day 10 things you could be thankful for, if you wanted to.
I’m sure you will find a lot of things. 👍
I can’t believe how much this seems like my husband!!! I fell sorry for David and I feel sorry for my husband!
Don't let your sadness for your husband make it seem ok to acept abuse.
This is such an honest conversation
When your not getting an apology or you have to force it, it's time to pick up your bags and go.
That’s damn terrible advice. Leave the advice to the professionals please lol
@@jjgems5909No, they are right.
you ask good follow up questions 👍🏾
I'm so glad he made that promise at the end!
He needs to use EMDR and work through his past memories.
I find it a little painful listening to how harshly John talks to this man. Sounds to me like he needs a giant hug.
Nope. Men like this destroy whole relationships and families.
Doesn't sound like this guy wants to do the work...exactly what Dr Deloney said...I'm always amazed at how Dr Deloney challenges people and Doesn't take their excuses
This one brought tears to my eyes.
Wow Dr D .. you are awesome🥺😭❤
He just doesn’t know, John!
The problem with people in your family is that they just assume that they know what’s best for you when really the only thing that they’re thinking about when they think about what’s best for you is what’s good for them
Yes, but he needs to review the past and family history in more detail instead of ignoring it, hiding it, denying it, pretending he doesn't care. Why was he not willing to say sorry to his wife? He needs to do that and look at what stops him from having empathy and apologizing to her.
EMDR therapy is incredible
Changed my life
This is so sad. Having terrible parents makes adult life so hard.😢
David, you have to look in the mirror . You have to show up for yourself first. Loving yourself is so important. One day at a time. ❤
Omg this is the best comment section of John Delony EVER!
Wow this call was amazing !!! I feel like hes willing to have a breakthrough ! he def needs a great therapist ! you will only hurt yourself more in the future trying to protect your ego now! You don’t deserve any more trauma sir ‘ don’t put yourself through that anguish of loosing everything ! “Don’t loose someone you love over your pride stick with your entree and get over your side”
It’s a choice…your life is a sum of your decisions and all you have to do is make a choice to be better and to do better. I’m praying for him and his family! 🙏🏾I believe in you David! You CAN do this!
He doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself.
The screen says the caller is in Lexington SC; at the beginning of the call, Dr. John said let’s go to David in Greenville SC. I’m in Lexington - Greenville is a good two hours (100 miles) away 😊
I'm sure she's already tired of his wall. If she's not getting it at home she'll get it somewhere else and his kids will be calling someone else daddy then maybe he'll feel something and knock down that wall!?!
I didn’t like when Dr.John said you know and David said I do not know because I’ve been down that road.
He’s not going to do it. He’d rather walk away from his marriage than do the work to fix it. On the next challenge, he’ll tap out. So sad and pathetic really.
For real
Dr John repetitively yelled at the caller then told him to stop yelling
I agree. I often find John is very harsh with the male callers. and much more kind & sympathetic to the women.
Are we watching the same show?? He didn’t yell. I know how to yell and I know what yelling is, he was not yelling lol.
@@victa5601 yeah I noticed that too.
@@jjgems5909 Delony was definitely yelling at this guy, shouting at him to stop yelling although the guy hadn't raised his voice at that point.
This guy is a perfectionist at the core. But so much so that he takes up the whole masterpiece and gives up rather than saying I can do this paint stroke and his paint stroke and his paint stroke until it makes a beautiful picture. He needs to understand that that’s a perspective issue and he needs to change it. He needs to be willing to live in the present.
he knows, it's just not a setting to say it
Oh John, a weary soul needed to hear a good word.
If I were to sit down and tell you my whole life story, all the music that you listen to on the radio right now would make a whole lot more sense
“I don’t think so” big clue right there
As a veteran, this guy is similar to me.
My inner parent eventually went “well fine then, don’t try. Give up”
Reverse psychology baby!
He is acting like a child so it just might work.
He is making way too many excuses
Sorry but this guy is exhausting. He's lucky she hasn't already left him. I would have.
The caller that blamed his ex wife and current wife for all of his problems is much worse.
The song runaway train is about when I took off from Minnesota
To the caller: From the little you mention about your family, I feel that your family felt shame and guilt over whatever happened with your brother. Many times people associate with the actions of other family members. If your brother did something wrong, then you may think you are bad, because you are related. I think that feeling of guilt was passed down to the rest of the family members. Also, I may be wrong, but I feel that your family is not the kind of people who express their feelings, show their love, or talk openly and somehow you were missing a deeper emotional connection with them. I feel that now you feel empty, in a sense you can't give love and be caring to your wife and kids, when you felt neglected as a kid. The anger issue is many times associated with feeling powerless. Anger can be managed, there are many self-awareness techniques, so you can exercise control of our actions, so you can channel our emotions in a non-violent and healthy way. To me the greatest issue is this feeling of not happy with what you have. You have a lot of blessings, you have your health, your family, kids, a job... What is that you don't have? Is there a missing piece, that if you find, it will make you value what you have now? They say love what you have before life teaches you to love what you lost. I hope you find help that can guide you. Best of luck.
This guy just wants to be the victim so badly.
"No!No!No!No!" John.
"Stop yelling!" Also John
.
This guys a jerk to his family and no one calls him out on it. He can’t even see it himself. The best way to love someone is to tell the truth in love.
It seems like there is one common denominator in all of this man's relationships. He needs to look inward and have some gratitude for his wife and kids and parents. Everything sucks is not an answer.
He wants to control everything and can't except he was not able to control the past to prevent what happened to his brother he taking responsibility for things that are not his fault. He has no room in he's life for anything else
This one got to me. 💔
My husband's family is messed up. They had a motto in their house, "What happens in this house stays in this house." Evil happened in that house because it spilled over into our home. Hindsight is 20/20! I'm now in the middle of a divorce because I can let this go on. I love him, but he has to want to get better.
Lost cause he cannot even come up with one simple task to accomplish
The tone of his voice is one of anger and distain and depression.
And it's not just the southern accent.
Dang, this guy is so uninvolved and wants everything with no work. Yikes... Glad Dr. John wasn't scared to call him out.
I figured out that holding on to the mistakes our parents made is never a solution for anything. My parents made a lot of mistakes and for years I blamed them for certain behaviors I had as a parent and a wife. But as I’ve gotten older I realized that not only do I make the same mistakes sometimes but now I’m in their shoes and I realize how hard it probably was for them as it is for me at times. Dr. Emerson Eggerich has this great line that really helped me “your response is your responsibility”. Realizing that I am accountable for my own sins and actions and that The Lord holds me accountable for them and I have to stop blaming my parents or my kids or my spouse for MY behavior. Remembering that apart from my upbringing I have a sinful nature, sinful desires, sinful thoughts that I have to be accountable for and they have to be brought under the submission of Christ EVERYDAY, and for those days when I do screw up He reminds me of His enduring grace and His grace sustains me. His grace reminds me that joy comes in the morning. That even if I screwed up an hour ago, I can go to my kids or spouse and apologize for my behavior and ask for their forgiveness and vis versa.
It’s hard to not hold the mistakes our parents made against them but I think as we grow we understand that we can’t do that. When I was younger (17-19 or so) I noticed that I had the quick anger that my father had growing up that I absolutely didn’t ever want to have. Luckily I eventually caught on to what I was doing and worked through it and now at 29 that doesn’t exist for me and it’s hard to even grasp what it used to be. To the point that when people who know me now hear about that stage of life are surprised because they can’t see it. But letting go of where they fell short is one of the most freeing things you get when you recognize they were human and did their best. I now have a great relationship with them that’s healthier than it’s ever been but that would’ve never happened if I stayed locked into the times they fell short.
My parents made a lot of mistakes. A lot. When I tried to fix that in my own parenting I made my own mistakes. Now that my son is parenting he will try to fix mine and make other mistakes. Parenting comes with unsolvable problems. Like going back into the past and trying to fix your future, there is bound to be other unintended consequences. It’s so difficult to raise something a complex as a little human being. Too many variables, so we just do the best we can and realize our parents did too.
Reactionary abuse is something that happens with people that have been traumatized so long by the perpetrator which is normally a narcissistic person or a covert narcissistic person and so then what happens is the person that’s getting abused by these two types of personality traits well all of a sudden snap one day and it’s called reactionary abuse. It means that you’re being abusive to me and I’m reacting violently orwith my mouth reactionary abuse
So, my wife tells me exactly what she needs so there is no mistake. Maybe his wife needs to be more specific? I don’t know, I’m just tossing out thoughts.
If he says he yells alot maybe he just doesn't listen to her
He said she told him what she needed... I've already forgotten... was it emotional intimacy? Sometimes the partner/ spouse does tell the other one what they need and the person can't give it to them even if they try. This is the situation I'm in with my husband. I've told him repeatedly what I need and I don't think he can do it. I'm not even saying I know he hasn't tried. Maybe he has and I'm not aware he's trying because he simply is incapable of expressing his feelings. I even question if he feels love, real love, for anyone. I think he wants too but something inside him is shut off. No one can give you what you need if they aren't capable of it.
Lol like talking to a toddler
The one common denominator is him.
Stop getting married if you’re not in it to begin with it’s a waste of time for you and her
5:17 “This is Fine.”
Friends are going to come and go out of your life some quicker than most. Some will be with friends with you for your entire life. Those are your ride and die of friends.
Dude sounds very immature and like he struggles with empathy.
Good Grief, his poor wife.
Lmaoooo I love the comment on the “best mental healthcare podcast” 😂
This call made me really sad. This guy obviously admires Dr. John and is in a really vulnerable spot and John was really hard on him and didn’t listen much and just basically told him to go tough it out and try harder. This guy sounded really dejected and kicked around by the end. Not John’s best work.
Thank you. I was getting more irritated by John but most everyone else thinks he did great. I was starting to question myself. I am a big fan of Dr. John, but this one I feel like he thought he knew what was going on and and kept trying to force that story without being willing to hear something else.
Caller sounds like a whiny baby and needs to grow up and quit worrying about things in the past he can't change
I honestly think John could not figure this one out…
John NAILED this caller. This dude has zero accountability to the point it's literally laughable.
My “” husband that didn’t want to get papers for our marriage to make it valid for 30 years knows that divorce papers are coming and why and he earned every page of it
Good on him for trying to figure things out, but he needs a LOT of work and a healthy dose of self awareness
I love when a caller that’s not an expert, has issues, and is calling an expert aka a DOCTOR and then argues with the doctor that he isn’t angry lmao
Sorry that was funny and so common with damaged men.
I have never laughed during a call before, but I I with this guy. The unawareness is crazy lol
Yeah I think he wanted John to also blame his parents
Lane Staley is the best friend of mine ever since I was like the age of four, he’s the godfather to my oldest son
I know it's not ok to be judgmental and stuff, but i can feel the narcissism: the fragile ego, the yoyo self-esteem, the reactivity, the lack of accountablity for his own wrongdoings ("get over it"), the gaslighting (accusing others of stuff they didn't do but are unsure, just to shake them), blaming others, etc. He acts like an asshole, he's semi-aware of it, but it's all "poor me", "i can't do it", "i am not good enough", through the video, and yikes.
All he's interesting in transfering his shame and guilt to somebody else: "my wife won't believe me", like the problem is his wife not giving him a second chance, and not him actually doing something and showing it to his wife. I doubt there is a way to reach him, i don't think he wants to be reached and stand up at that point, he wants to be pitied and have the world bend to his whims and tantrums
That’s the difference between dating marriage and divorce
When it comes to family, you can’t pick and choose who your family are because your blood related but you can’t pick and choose who you let in and out of your life when it comes to family if they don’t bring value to your life and all they do is steal your inner peacethey’re not valuable enough to be in your inner bubble
Why is "The Graduate" in the background?
It's definitely an interesting story in terms of the mental health of the characters, But also quite messed up decisions made by said characters.
The song by Alice In Chains down in a hole if you want to get an idea of who I am as a person when I talk to my friends versus my family go listen to that song
Empirical data? I had a girlfriend who thought I walked too heavily and it bothered her. Is that Empirical data? I had another tell me I carried my stress in my arms. What am I supposed to do with that?
Been there bro. I told my ex-wife I was depressed and unhappy with everything in my life except her and asked her not to leave me. A week later she left me haha
And she cited that discussion as a big part of her leaving
@@babyloobibovski2947 awe, I'm sorry. :(
i think because Dr. John also sensed his anger, as does the caller’s wife, it became more of a fact (he’s angry) rather than just an opinion
@@babyloobibovski2947 sorry. That is not right. Of all people she should have helped/supported you.
Vilifying the brother wvo assaulted his abuser is so gross. Shame on you.
The brother didnt assault his abuser... smh
@@wonka4 yes, the caller's brother was jailed for assaulting his abuser.