Excuses NOT To Have Sex | Jimmy Carr: Laughing and Joking
Vložit
- čas přidán 27. 07. 2020
- 2 words for you...MORNING F*NNY
What are some of the best excuses you've heard over the years?
Taken From Jimmy Carr’s Laughing & Joking
To watch the full special - • Jimmy Carr: Laughing a...
Recorded Live From London's Hammersmith Apollo; Laughing and Joking is packed with one-liners, stories, and jokes: some clever, some rude, and a few totally unacceptable.
The Official Channel for the biggest face in British comedy (literally the biggest face - it's like the moon.)
For the latest tour dates and tickets: www.jimmycarr.com/live/
#JimmyCarr #StandUp #Comedy - Komedie
For the full show - czcams.com/video/4pCGLT65uMU/video.html
good man
Jims is about as funny as a nail through the foot
Jimmy has the most assured delivery! He never stammers or misses a beat! He’s confidence personified!
Do what ya normally do and just fucking lay there ya lazy fucking cow
Quick, but tragically unfunny.
Kev Blah Good joke
@@habichiblah7534 Try Amy Schumer. You might find it hilarious
@@AnimeRenegades she's even worse
Worst excuse I ever got was "No, it's Monday" what made it worse was, it was Tuesday, and still no.
It was Monday somewhere
@@milo2324 lmao idk about that but ok
@@milo2324 mate, if you're over analysing the psychology pertaining to Christianity and monogamist relationships of a comment on a Jimmy Carr video, you sir have had too much internet. Put the screen down and go read a book or something.
@@milo2324 Islam is no different.
@@milo2324 Yes, because women got to say "no" BEFORE christanity... (and this is coming from an Atheist)
Wife: I can't, I've got a gynecologist appointment in the morning.
Husband: I noticed you didn't mention a dentist appointment.
I would have went with proctologist
You’re allowed to have sex before a gynecologist appt...it’s not like they would know/care?
@@Kirsten_is_cursed10 "Oh sure everyone thinks it is fun pulling apart a grilled cheese!"
(Told to me by an OBGYN when I asked)
@@rallyfeind That's hilarious.
@@rallyfeind epic
I'm always delighted when a new Jimmy Carr video shows up in Recommended.
'new'.
Yep
The jokes are so old they can legally drink.
I read delighted in Jimmy's voice.
he is so up him self , i never have found him funny ha HA uuuuuummmmm
Played this to my wife, then offered a quickie. She could not say 'No'. Best lunch break since long ago!
Well played sir
Heckle: "She's Dead!"
Me: "Why would that stop you?"
@Michael Ashfield That's hilarious. I'm fucking dead
@burteriksson I'm aware but i thought heckle was a better word than suggestions
@Alhamice Dafshile It's sick. But I assume the creepers at funeral homes dabble in it. Why tf else would they be in that industry in this day & age?
@@daviesdavies538 because even in this day & age people die. What’s your suggestion, just leave the corpses where they are?
@@CrippleX89 when did I say that? It's a stable career yes, but really most people have more choice these days than that career. The last mortician I met was creepy af. Sounds like I've offended you personally, maybe it's your field?
Btw I didn't say all of them did, but they have access to the dead bodies so
So good his timing is unbelievable
The woman who shouted: "I've just run a marathon" at 5:49 is obviously just trying to show off about her marathon.
I don't think that's what she meant by "running a marathon"...
A marathon is a physical actovity that involves multiple participants...
I saw Jimmy Carr perform in Hong Kong last March and it was probably the best evening I’ve had in years
Good for you.
That's Hong Kong for ya.
What’s the point in having a sword if it doesn’t get bloody
Stealing this
Fun fact: I have a sword that I cut someone with. It was on accident, and it was a friend, but it's still drawn blood and sent someone to the ER
@@bikechainimmortalis6923 please say they lived?
Jimmy makes even the most mundane thing funny.
Sex isn't mundane.
mack cummy no but apparently some things his girl tells him during it are 😂
Ppppp0pp
When he said, a relationship is 50/50 he's actually right 🤣💋👌
Jimmy is an awesome anti-depressant just need a prescription of his gags 😂
The pirate part made me crease 😂😂😂
Best quote from the wife "Don't stimulate me I'm tired"
in the 28 years I was married my (Now EX) wife initiated physical intimacy only TWICE
as a result i coined the term
SEXUALLY WIDOWED
That's hilarious. Hope you moved on to someone more active.
That's twice more than mine!
Once the ring goes your fucked, not!
@JANET NYIRENDA she was willing to accept the money he earned.
@JANET NYIRENDA shame you stopped the discussion, I was just about to grab a popcorn
Best comedian period
*Best period comedy
Best comedian blob
Akhil Settypalli hahahahaha you made me spit juice out my nose bruv
Why do some women feel the need to tell the world they're on their period? Do comedy help with the cramps?
@@fishsauce2221 - Maybe they started telling in their teen years so their mum could breathe a big sigh of relief for another month, and the habit just sticks with them.
5:38 was not a good moment to drink 😂
I have seen all your videos and yet haven’t get bored of the element of surprise that you bring to each of your joke.
He is gold
What brand is he
@Teh Jamez whoa tad racist
Kerlbabi sunned gold 😝
@@someguy3038
Rather than gold. Yeah?
Right.
Fucking relax plonker
"arsenal playing at home" ffs
I was thinking more of Man U: "Come on you reds, come on you reds
/Just keep your bottle and use your heads..."
'The painters are in....'
@@maximeprometheas tbf he did say the devils like a sec after ahaha, arsenal just made me laugh yk
5:35 that quick thinking was impressive af
Very well handled. Thanks for the video, Mr. Carr.
Jimmy Carr is my favorite comedian
"Arsenal are playing at home"
My new favorite term for someone being on their period.
Me, an American, seeing thumbnail: *visible confusion* "why is "funny" bleeped out?
Sees Jimmy Carr: "ope, got it"
ope
@@jet3296 dont you mock my midwestern ways!
@@dbrooke3629 ope
@@dbrooke3629 ope
Bless your heart 😄
The audience reactions at Jimmy's UK shows are almost as funny as Jimmy is.
Jimmy Carr I love you, you never fail to make me laugh.
PMSL at "your arse isn't bleeding though ..........yet" :-)))))))
"She's dead". Nuff said
You continue to slay me sir! Bravo and well done!
Jimmy, you are a genius. Aside from being absolutely hilarious. Thank you for making me laugh out loud.
He's the best you can be annoyed and laugh not many can do this. He's my fav UK guy don't wanna assume so lol n I love it u gotta judge yourself when you laugh like. Ty
Jimmy, you're the best!
0:45 Could someone explain “I tried it with my girlfriend. She was bored to tears!” 😭😭
'Bored' as in, he drilled a hole, 'to tears' as in, it fucking hurt!
bored, a pun that means she was bored(unimpressed), but suggested she was bored(drilled, fucked)
cheers 😂👍🏻
A good fisherman also fishes in the red sea!
" not tonight tomorrow is garbage pick up day "
Simply brilliant! Many thks Jimmy Carr!
this guy has me fucking rolling oh my god, I would of loved to be there in person 💀💀
🤣Bored to tears 😆
fantastic!
Jimmy always gets a thumbs up from me.
Gotta love Jimmy.
Enjoyed your video and gave it a Thumbs Up
Love this guy❤️🔥🔥💯🇹🇹🇹🇹
5:50 I head get the rope lmao idk why but that’s funnier
Great clip
I love how broken his give a damn is lol
This is good
DAMN!
I'm blessed to had the pause button.
Jimmy you are so right
Brilliant comedian
6:10 the monthly removal of redundant ovarian tissue
Jimmy is master of impro
Relationship advice from Jimmy Carr? Where do I sign up?!?
Is it just me or is this guy a young Nixon without the Pinocchio effect?
So original👌
Excuses NOT to have sex, you're Jimmy Carr!
"SHE'S DEAD!" XD
Lol. I wish I got an automatic yes from guys.
Jimmy Carr looks likes he gets offended when he sees poor people
Well, if your not poor then yes
His entire audience is poor people? I love jimmy carr lol
You seem quite insecure about being poor.
He does look like he would, but then again he did grow up in Slough, so he probably wouldn't.
Mr. Zimbabwe it’s because his wiring can’t compute it and could short circuit ⚡️💥 🤖
Ps. I love how people are insulting you about being poor 🤦🏼♂️
My current girlfriend often goes for "I don't feel good, not right now"
To which I respond "I can make you feel good"
Give her a paracetamol and when she says "No thanks, I don't have a headache", say "Great, let's bang."
Sticky Belly 😂😂😂😂😂
brilliant
Am on yt 6-7 days per week n am still a year late ,glad I saw it
Brilliant
Hes changed so much from when started. Looks very different also.
Fucking genius love this guy comedy.
She's dead got me
@T M yes, very true
@T M yeah but if you leave it a few days, you don't need any lubricant.
Ewww...
@Adithya Nair LOL
Jimmy Carter is my second favorite next to George Carlin
Carter. Nice
He's been promoted to US President
Love george carlin!
May I suggest you some Bill Hicks in your life?
That is high praise indeed.
I'm from Cambridge and I have seen Jimmys show there!
0:51 Even this is a joke!
like a whip amazing and we all agree 😁
What's the most important thing in a relationship... Consent lol 🤣🤣 joke was the relationship bit tho lol
Followed by trust is. Cuz if you don't truly trust a woman how you know she ain't gonna tell your wife lol
ON THE BLOB
I asked and she said "there's 3 reasons downstairs to never do this again"..... I agree
I can't stay the night I have a breakfast meeting
This guy just might have a career in standup comedy.
I can't f*** tonight I'm working on my resume
I doubt he writes his jokes. He's freestyle is too good👏
He does, he was talking about it on some talkshow that he spent months on trial and error on the jokes “he” wrote
@@Name-hr6bb There's a pub in East London with a small 200 seat theatre where a lot of big comedians come to test out new material. I saw Stewart Lee there once and he came on with his actual notes in hand, and asked the audience to be openly critical with any material that they thought didn't work or needed improvement. It's a side that you don't usually see, but amazing to witness their creative process.
fucking love Jimmy
And that's just to myself
What a handsome fella
R kaylee😂😂
Akela
@5:34 for the ROAST OF THE YEAR
Isn't he look like
Joan Cornellas character? :D
My first was named Rhea Kerr
Don't have any!! Lasts longer
Lmao 🤣
Some are still coming
What was the first joke??
'Arkela' is the name for the leader of a cub-scout group - junior scouts aged 7-12 or so. My Arkela was female.
6:32 I like red sauce on my sausage
The little tiny quiz of the lockdown
😂
😂😂
Whos an otto
He makes us laugh balances out hitzys bad
Well trying!! Still waiting!!
Wowsers his laugh sounds like stampylonghead's laugh
What is He saying at 0:33?