Healthy Versus Unhealthy Love -- A Short Exploration of the Difference
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- čas přidán 20. 12. 2017
- I hit the topics of being in love, nurture versus need, fantasy, delusion, projection of unresolved childhood need, romance, rejection, abandonment, pain, trauma, and healing!! All in ten minutes! www.wildtruth.net
People in these parts of youtube give me hope for the world
Also, people damaged in relationships heal in relationship. You often can't process through an undeveloped stage of childhood without being connected to another human being to safely help you navigate through that stage of childhood. The scariest thing about processing through my past childhood abuse was having to realize that I needed other people to process through my past childhood abuse - which was all about being devalued and discarded and made separate. I don't heal until I'm willing to risk being connected. That takes a lot of faith and a lot of trust in another human being and not many human beings are capable of meeting you in a place like that. But to me, that's what love is.
Wow you really summed up that just perfectly. That really resonated with me and has been my lived experience too.
@@nimhu thank you!
@@appal3687 I know exactly what you mean and did so for years. I could not started that healing process until I found an extremely safe trusted professional therapist. Actually she was a psychologist. I also utilized 12-step groups that dealt with addiction, and reparenring concepts. It can be done! If I can do it anybody can. You just have to be honest open-minded and willing to go to any lengths.
💚
I agree
One has to get healthy emotionally , spiritually and psychologically in order to even identify another healthy well adjusted person. The problem I’ve found after many years of recovery process and getting mentally healthy I don’t find anyone who has done this work so I’m not interested unless one has worked on his issues. The playing field is slim to none.
Lara O'neal I think this is one of the fundamental problems with analyzing love in this way. It suggests humans are not messy and that there’s a way to love “just right.” In certain brains this perfectionist take will keep us from meeting anyone or ever feeling like someone is worth it.
Lara O'neal Lara... You found me. I've been looking for the same thing for a long time...
@- - that's all some people need.
In alot of cases it is just you/me versus them.
These people are to damaged to ever care about bettering themselves.
They dont care about developing compassion. All they care about is that they can sustain how they've lived and continue to feel like shit about their position in the world.
Funny what you said about your father.
Sounds like a carbon fucking copy of mine.
Cheers
Yes, although I'm still very young and a work in progress I've exp many things so i decided to take a break and heal.. i find many people seeking my company and men wanting me to.nurture them etc. But I see so many red flags....it makes me feel hopelessly narcissistic
@- - wow you sound really angered and triggered... she never expressed not having compassion.
The fact that this was free is amazing. Thank you!
Right?!❤
NEVER commit to anyone unless you are willing to give. Love is about mutual giving.
For me, the message was a bit different - never commit to anyone unless you are receiving something back in return for your giving. For those not willing to give, its a big question if they can ever grow into it.
Never love anyone unless you are willing to lose. Second chances leave broken souls
What got from this video: real love is rare..
agreed..... i wish it weren't so, but i think it is.
So sad to know that
ive always felt that....its so rare but people are in denial of that fact
I think it's mostly because - apart from probably still having our own issues to deal with - people fail to recognize how much loving the healthy way not only has much more lasting potential but also can vastly increase your sense of self esteem. We can find our own sense of purpose in increasing the quality of life for those we love. Which if we truly understand this is a reward of its own. If we can keep that balanced out and not pick the golddigger or overly needy kind of partners, we'd have the best possible foundation.
People cant stand not being given attention. Doesnt matter why they're getting it as long as they are.
Like this guy in the video said.
They want someone to fill a void created by past trauma that nobody knows how to deal with by themselves.
You must have been such an awesome therapist. Thank you so much for deciding to clog and continue to help others. What a beautiful gift! May God bless you. You are a true healer.
nah, he probaly only talked about his own issues all the time ;)
Agree. We need to continue to educate people about the roots of their obsessive need for love. Loving and accepting ourselves means that we take responsibility for meeting our own needs instead projecting them on others and becoming codependent. Very good explanation. Thank you for this.
The other side of the codependent coin? What else needs to come into awareness? Narcissism. Which is primarily created as is it's counterpart at the other end of the spectrum, codependancy. One gives excessively, trying to nurture, if I give enough, they'll love me, THEN I'll have worth. Empathy is present here, in this over giving scenario. A created narcissistic person, learns that they can't get their needs met early and the false self created is devoid empathy for OTHERS, not taught to them, they spend their lives taking endlessly, giving minimally and only when absolutely necessary, if I take enough THEN I will feel my worth.
Two people each loving and respecting themselves create a healthy relationship where they SHARE their love with each other.
that sounds nice!
Lol, bullshit. Selfrespect is a given. There is only one self, your own self.
The love after working through the traumas feels very different. The needs are out of the picture completely. The definition I’d give is “enjoying that another person exists”. And exactly desire to know what exactly is very different from you, who he is, and accepting that knowledge. Desire and interest to know everything and enjoying to just be in the field of that person. Just near. No expectations, no needs. Readiness to help heal of course is there, when needed. But it, in a perfect world, not
about healing already. About being nearby, two complete independent people, respecting differences, being resourceful to go through difficulties together, but forming
_Belonging_ and enjoying each other. It is very hard to get rid of that feeling, if you just enjoy the field, the energy of another person; just love who they are. I’m not with the person with whom I felt this first time. And that was a valuable thing to grieve about, but same time there is respect for their choice. He had traumas and
needed solitude, similar to what Daniel says; the only thing to do - is to respect that. To respect the choice to go, the wounds that person have to work through… But thats very acute feeling of how lovable the person is - for who they are; for everything about them; exactly differences, uniqueness of that soul.
I can’t say whether it’s unconditional love.. it rather happens to you when you not expect it. The most beautiful thing ever.
The joy of life is as much in between people, not only inside. But when there were no healthy examples from childhood, it is very hard to open to this mere possibility. To know
this exists. I’ve gone through a very good therapy before I could open… and have to lose most of the family as there have been very little authenticity, sadly. You can’t form deep and healthy relationships with people who is focused on the surface narcissistic values. Put
Necessary boundaries with the ones who is not completely abusive or psychopathically indifferent. So that not toxic environment for growth and healthy existence appears.
When I was young, i was full of needs and thought thats love. Now
i see it wasn’t. This one, pretty mystical feeling, when you don’t need anything, just enjoy the other person exists - exactly the way they are… I didn’t know or believe such feeling exists until 35. Ot doesn’t matter how
Many songs you heard about it - until you experience that in own life. And it totally deserves all songs and texts and whatever it inspires, together with sacred grief in case of losing it.
I think its extremely rare to feel that, and especially be lucky to have that mutually. Happens sometimes to some people. Life is so short though. If not having to work through the wounds, maybe would be enough time to have it right …
It's very hard to make friends let alone a lover when you're going through the suffering phase before grieving. The pain is so incessant and the desire to relieve it immediately plays out in almost every interaction I have. I honestly think I'm just not friend-able at the moment. And if a relationship is needy in the dissociation phase, a relationship in the suffering phase is just straight up begging for salvation. I can see why this shit just doesn't work.
Yup! Same!
We all have unmet childhood needs, because our parents are human . No person, no matter how well meaning they are can meet our needs. You are right it's up to us to meet our needs and heal and greave our unmet needs.
"No person, no matter how well meaning they are can meet our needs." That is bullshit.
"We all have unmet childhood needs, because our parents are human ." That is 3A horseshit.
Red Phoenix okay, can you make a counter argument.
I agree with phoenix on this. I think it's a bad idea to normalize bad parenting even it's in the overwhelming majority. You just end up repeating the cycle. I believe we should condemn bad behavior no matter what.
R0N1N he is not normalizing bad parenting nor am I advocating for it. Who would do that? What I was trying to say no one or two people can give a child everything. Hell, we cannot give ourselves everything. When our parents fall short, we have to greave it and move on and even forgive them.
Who said anything about "everything"? Am not sure you should be here then, these people are not here because mommy and daddy weren't "perfect". These people are here because they would've been better off in a fucking orphanage. You're sounding like a friend of mine, a guy who forgives people with a push of a button before even acknowledging what has been done to him. Nah, I'll skip on that virtue.
Even though you are brought up in a healthy family, you still can develop this unhealthy love ie the "need" for love, because longterm bullying in school or unhealthy friends in childhood can bring about the same "need".
That's interesting as I would have though a healthy family system would act as buffer.
I'm in a bad place today. You have brought me comfort.
The healed person (healthy) loves this person and this love is true but the unhealed (unhealthy) person doesn’t love you as Daniel said. He or she needs you and that is their translation.
this is an awesome perspective.
Another great video; thank you Daniel.
I happened upon your work here 2 days ago and have watched several videos since... I relate strongly with what you share here.
After hearing your gentle directive for us to use the healthier parts of ourselves to hear and heal the traumatized parts... I want to share a technique I came up with a few years ago that has really helped me do just that.
It's a riff on ho o'ponopono. Ho o'ponopono is a Hawaiian phrase/idea used to engender forgiveness. At first, I thought it was meant to be used to forgive others, but then a counselor pointed out to me that it's meant as a tool that encourages us to forgive *ourselves*. As I practiced it in this new (to me) regard, I could feel the energy of forgiveness wash over me at the end of the saying/chant.
Fast forward to me thinking: if I can receive forgiveness from myself, why not love (and I'm referring to non-binding, agape-style love here)... and it worked!! Its not the same as being loved by another - you can't fire mirror neurons by yourself- but it does allow the frightened, traumatized parts of the self to witness the healthy parts of your psyche reaching out with that loving intent. It allows the work you described to begin or get a massive boost.
Thank you again for sharing your thoughtful views. I hope to find a video of yours, on how you found these like-minded friends, so that I can duplicate your techniques!
I've studied this for years when my ex wife left, she was treated like shit and her mom abandoned her, dad chased skirts, I knew she was damaged gave her a good life for 23 years. In 2012 she went with me on a job and thought she was going to lose me in a potential accident. She snapped pandoras box opened and all her childhood pain came forth and got pinned on me and she walked out on our son and I. I tried for years after but she denied having and wouldn't accept the wonderful healing I offered.....
Sorry to hear that. People need to get help sometimes. It's a form of strengths and taking responsibility by accepting help and going to a therapist or even opening up about an issue. Running away is a sign of immaturity at least when it's not prompted by seeking healing. I think and understand now, it's important to ask about one's childhood in the dating process, or at least look at the relationship with the parents. When I got engaged once, the mother in law (to be) reaction was, she run away from the table when seeing my ring. The guy didn't even tell her and didn't want to tell her so she only found out by chance. She had issues too I am sure, needless to say that it didn't work out. He also travelled with her all the time, and the mother was more than a girlfriend it seemed at times. Until this date, he is also not married.
A partner can't be a therapist. I'm wondering why you chose someone who was so damaged?
@@bodhimom1how can a partner not be a therapist? I am curious about your take
Honestly, this seems like most relationships I've ever seen.
A nice present for your viewers in the gift-giving time of the year. Thank you, Daniel.
Lara, I don't know if it's so grim as I for one identified with what you said. And it makes me feel not so alone. I think the world's population definitely is not learning or forgetting we all need empathy.
You're soooo right about everything here. It resonates with me based on what I've seen and experienced but I could never articulate it as eloquently as you did. Thank you!
Thank you very much! I'm now living my healing process and is nice to hear from a professional that's I'm in the right way. It can be kind of rare this real love but is something truly possible, I mean, not only as romantic one but the human kind of collective love. When you understand your existence and starts to realise that many people are lost in their owns... When we go out of our inner bubble is easier to appreciate life and really love another person!
Changing the subject, I discovered your youtube channel recently and is being so enlightening in many ways. It's so nice to have someone like you that already had experienced human eloquence, sorrow, etc, from so near. Would be so great to have a friendly talk with you about life and philosophy... Recently I'm writing about my theories and one video of yours helped me to answer some of my questions.
If it helps, keep going with your videos, It's going to still help many other people! Thank you!
After trying every which way but loose ! ( ha ha ) I’m finally left to my own devices & intuitively I am turning back to care for my own self 💌☕️🐣🤗🌸 Thank you for sharing your clarity & warmth 📝📓🙂
Yeap!!!! The needs that were never met as a child will rise up and oh boy , when those needs are not met by this new stranger, the pain is excruciating- I don’t wish this heartbreak on any one. I had to have my “heart broken” a few times , so that I could dig deep and face my wounded child. I can now see clearly the difference between love and my need for a father figure. The need is still there but now I have awareness about it and I can catch myself before I project my painful need into a person that I barely know. Thank you for this video. It is rich in knowledge .
People have choices as adults, you can blame other people for your shortcomings, but grow up and take responsibility for your actions.
Fantastic delineation of the unhealthy and healthy poles. It really spoke to me, and also reminded me of some of the content on relationships done by The School of Life - also on CZcams.
Yes, and this is the reason that the vulnerable are love-bait (supply) for Narcissists! Have any of you been Love Bombed? The vulnerable are usually unaware of their childhood neglect, etc.
Teen age infatuation is when hormones are raging for the biological preservation of our species. All of these events occur at the same time as young adults. Great video!
Yeah but they still display signs of narcissism, but we choose to overlook them for some tiny breadcrumbs of feeling "love"
Very good. Easy to understand.
Hey Daniel, just wanted to let you know your words are so wise and a comfort to me at this point. The thing is i have watched a lot of these healing videos on all platforms, but haven't come across anyone who spoke my language. It's so easy to understand and you are so genuine a person i can see that. Thank you for these videos. Keep posting. It's love.
Thank you for this. Your description of unhealthy love really gave me an “aha moment” of clarity. It’s applicable to romantic AND platonic love (women engage in “love” relationships more, I think...and that’s not necessarily a good thing.)
Daniel, love your awareness, thank you for the truth no one else is speaking.
You're so right! I've seen the unhealthy type of love many times, especially with people who have experienced childhood trauma! You're very insightful, probably from the extensive experience you've had as a therapist. Love your logic and honesty.
Cindy O I like how compare unhealed childhood traumas. With healed childhood trauma. And he is correct. Adults who went through unhealed childhood trauma will be as I call it codependent. Because, they need that love from someone else. Not the parent.
Cindy O Besides, those are the ones you see holding hands all the time.
Fantastic video. 100% spot on. I just got out of a very passionate, thrilling relationship a year ago and I am still dealing with the needy child within my ex calling me up, showing up and acting out, in desperation. It breaks my heart but I can't help him until he helps himself. I tried. Some days I miss the crazy passion and I mourn the loss, but the stability of my current relationship is so much less stressful. He needed me more than I needed him. I'm not sure if he loves me the same way I loved him. Everything you said was so accurate.
This is a wonderful explanation, thank you. I've found many of the conclusions from Erich Fromm's book The Art of Loving to be helpful when thinking about love.
Thank you for making videos, you really open ideas in different perspective I would have never thought of.
Needed to hear this today. Thank you.
It's from the media that people romanticize love. I now understand that love is action meaning a partner will understand you, support you, it will show in their action, not in their words!
You need to have 'agape love' (love of one's fellow man) first, before you transition into 'eros love' (love between the sexes),
Thank you!
This is so spot on. I've been trying to say this for years, and now, you've don't it for me and so well.
Hello Daniel, love your videos. It gives me a feeling of relief. Thank you very much!
Greetings, Emil from the Netherlands
Hi Daniel! I like your video and share your insights. It's good to see someone talking about this, because very often unhealthy love and it's promise is so much defended and normalized. One question arises to me (maybe you can say something about it?): what does nurturing ourselves include? Of course we are able to listen to our inner child, let the feelings come up without suppressing them, defending ourselves against the harmful figures in our mind, and thus slowly change the way we think and feel about ourselves. But still we are social animals which need a group with positive resonance. In my opinion nurturing ourselves includes finding or creating healthy connections to other people. It is hard to strive for such healing relationships and at the same time being aware of childhood neediness sneaking into it. I am not sure if we could do without them, though, even as adults. But this is still something I have to figure out in more depth.
Fantastic, Daniel! Thank you!
This was so enlightening -- many thanks
This is a great explanation and what I needed to hear today
You have great insight. Thank you for sharing. It is so validating.
Wonderful channel, I really appreciate this video and the video on minimalism. To expand on both topics, I really enjoy how my so and I rarely get each other gifts for birthdays or valentines. When we expect love from some external source that’s where we go wrong. When an act of love happens without expectation it’s that much more spontaneous as you say, and more moving
We now have good experiential therapies that enable us to get at the unconscious constructs that are formed in childhood and generate symptoms for decades but we are not training enough therapists in these approaches and techniques because the whole system for churning out therapists is effed up. Most therapists don’t do their own work so it is the blind leading the blind. Memory reconsolidation techniques and experiential processes like Coherence Therapy have been proven to be effective at getting to the constructs driving people’s symptoms but they require intensive training of the therapist and a skill level that most graduate programs neither demand nor are prepared to teach. Sorry for the rant. I wish you had a forum to spread your ideas to a larger group of people.
Spot on in a nutshell.
absolutely. My psychotherapist asked me what do I think about self-love. I replied there are 2 ways to have it:
first - when the value, acceptance, love was mirrored by our parents to create a healthy sense of self. Most of the cases people would have to uncover the self thro hard work cos the parents and environment program us not to see yourself, not to feel the feelings and therefore we feel like there is something missing like we are not enough like we don't matter, like we don't have a value for who we are. the process is f painful. Going against the cult is extremally difficult.
Loving the self starts from validation of how er feel (important! - we never could express the feelings, I would be punished if I would address any dysfunction at home), feeling the feelings and only from there we can decide what we can and cannot control. We cannot control what we feel for sure but we can decide what we want to do in a given situation. validating the feeling is like seeing the signs on the road so we can make a good choices. unfortunately ie ACOAs suppress a lot cos of early programing and hav tendencies to react cos of it. We feel imeshed with the other expecting the validation and this is very problematic. The childchood programing by our abusive families made us disasociate. Its anoying when psychotherapist tells we are adults now as if we should not feel depression. this is so devaluing. I am seing things corectly so its horrible to suggest I should just stop without even explaining to me the roots of the problem. I am angry with my psychologist. I had to do a lot of work to help myself and the psychologist is sitting there like a statue saying nothing and basicaly just trying to shut me up. thanks God I did the work myself or I would be retroumatised by my psychologist. Thanks again for youtube where I find help on codependency. codependency and ACOA - something that was not even mentioned by my psychologist once.
I also appreciate your honesty. I see you. I always got in trouble for being honest in this dishonest world even when I was not rude. honesty can only start when we are admit we dont try to create disociative persona.
For the love of god, I would love to hear your thoughts on BPD.
amazing video! gives me some confidence about what im going through right now: a confusing mixture of unhealthy ajd helathy love toward a good friend of mine.
i would love to see more on that: maybe with a spin like: using a "mixed love" relationship to work on our healing process, because for me, my needy parts brought up so many things ajd traumas in thus relationship right now that i have not been aware of beforehand.
and like the top commentor says: it does make sense that some relationship relates trauma may need (or benefit heavily from) another relationship to work through the trauma
also this topic is indeed *so* central to our culture, obsessive love is really a core value, that its borderline gaslighting everyone who feels that something is not right here.
important content!
:)
Very Important topic. I can testify to this urge to become healed in this way. I have seen others expect it and I supposed we all fall into this mistaken expectation. All of us fall into this.
What do you think of buddism? Its opinions on love, compassion and how to live a good life? What do you think of meditation as a way to grow and explore oneself
I think that everyone needs to hit the DMT Pipe and fuck off with labeled organized religions.
Meditation is the key, whether secular or Buddhist.
@@xeno_christ_blackout buddhism is a disorganized religion tho.
I love your talking and style ❤️
Utterly agree with all you say Daniel
Yeah, I agree for the most part. My "love" started on the healthy, 'centered-loved myself' place - and we really became best friends. I'm still so f'd up from it and it ended 8 years ago. I think being honest is admitting the false-idealized aspects we create to memorialize them, but - at least in my experience - I think it's _equally_ _important_ to acknowledge and accept the truly _good_ aspects of the person and relationship, and consequently I've sort of dug myself a "truth-hole" where now I feel like I have to lie and trivialize what were/are genuine feelings in order to disassociate myself from it. Maybe this is total nonsense, idk - don't talk about it much - but I value truth, and would rather live with an unpleasant reality than a comfortable fiction..
In my humble opinion, I think that you were living exactly what unhealthy love means, you weren't being yourself and when you have to mascarade you genuine feelings means that they weren't so healthy as you would think in first hand... Real love talks about care without expecting nothing back, remembering that it's a feeling that first, borns from the experience of true self-love and self-aware of your own existence. If It doesn't feel genuine is because you still have to work on it... I say it because of my own experience, I still personally have to work a lot on it! Society contributes a lot to this misleading behaviour...
@@HugoMorettwhy can't we expect something when we give something. And why would we give something if there is no return from the other side? I would like to hear your point though. Can we start expecting certain things after heading into the relationship for more than a year? Is it a form of unhealed trauma still after that duration to expect?
Yes Most persons ...or all persons are incapable of meeting our childhood needs.
I get it now. I understand. I learned already. This is good reinforcement though. Thanks. Reinforcement is always good. No I would never believe a movie star loves me. Lol I'm not delusional.
Oh that is funny.
That kinda sounded like a prepubescent girl falling for some boyband member. 🤣
You are awesome. Please keep making videos
Every human should hear this! ❤
It is possible to change I agree, and start giving healthy love without being needy. I had that situation in my adolescence but I got into therapy for many years. Psychoanalysis worked better for me and now I understand people who have that situation that as you say it turns out ugly when underneath you have very needy, unresolved traumas, and conflicted believes. Besides, yes, sometimes when you mix sex and children to the equation it gets worst.
Great video!!! 👍
I pray you are well Daniel.
From what I've read, it's only in westernized countries that there is what is referred to as
"romantic love". In other countries, people aren't reflexively infatuated, and have typically, arranged marriages which actually have a much better track record in terms of longevity and even compatibility, then our kind, which is usually preceded by "falling in love".
I heard absolutely nothing new, but this just shook me into awakening. It just had to be said out loud ... to be true. So how do you reject unhealthy love? How do you escape from it, break from it? There are safety considerations, I can assure you.
I am currently breaking it off with my boyfriend for these very reasons, we’ve reached a point where the toxic of neediness is unbearable, and the problem is he can’t and won’t see it, i tell him that his way of loving me is toxicating at least to me and he replays with “i love loving you that way! And I won’t change cuz you need it!!”
I’ve had serious talks with him about our relationship and our future together yet he refuses to admit to it anymore. He glorifies our love and doesn’t admit the many flaws it has.
This whole thing is scaring me, I’m even beginning to think he will stalk me and hurt me along the way.
But A part of me truly cares for him, i want him to be better and happy, i want him to overcome his bipolar and face his family with all their abuse they did and still do to him, for a long time i hoped and worked to try to help him but couldn’t get a good result.
i’m not saying I’ve been perfect either, i did my part on unhealthy acts too, I’m trying to simply explain the current situation
Probably more pertinent for you to work on why you got into a relationship with a needy person, focus on your unconscious needs rather than worrying about what he does or doesn’t do regards to facing his family issues It’s a distraction from looking at your stuff. I say this lovingly
We do need to heal ourselves it is so hard but I believe we can do it
When we grow up and become teenagers, we forget our childhoods completely. And who can blame us? No one lets us focus on the past, we're always pressured to move forward. You're not allowed to think or talk about childhood. We become entirely different people by the time we're teenagers - our childhood sense of play gets replaced by our parents' ambitions for work and school and money and careers. Some teenagers might still have (totally justified) resentment towards their parents without understanding why (or maybe some DO understand how unloving their parents were), which is why those teens rebel.. But by and large, by the time we reach adolescence, the child that once was pretty much dies, never to be remembered again by anyone, including the grown up child themselves. It happened to me and it happens to everyone on this planet. We forget how desperately we wanted to be loved when we were kids, by someone fun, spontaneous, protective, nurturing, patient.. So of course we end up seeking that in the form of a romantic relationship. Time throws a veil on how unloving, uncaring, aloof, and disconnected from our feelings our parents, uncles, aunties, and grandparents really were when we were kids.
Yes! yes! Yes! Then, when we mature and understand ourselves better...we still cling to the emotions we had as children, be they good or bad. When better, each of us need to revisit the then emotions and realize that being better adjusted now, we can compare the then emotions with one's updated emotions - they accept that you have grown - let the past go.
@@bellakrinkle9381 I was thinking of my little niece when I wrote that comment. She's brilliant. She's very playful and smart. I love making her smile and I never want her to change. I don't want her to become a jaded teenager who's lost their playfulness, which I've seen happen before. Education is a big part of destroying a child's spirit - years of schooling turns them into that jaded teenager. And people from my home country are very pushy about education. It kills me to think of how the brilliant child that my niece is will be destroyed and lost throughout the years. It kills me to think that she won't smile so freely when she gets older. Why is life so cruel?
@@patbasse7 so agree with you and I struggle with my 9 year old sister.
I want the best for her.
But I get sad thinking of her environment and how little her parents are doing for her.
Her parents are very religious.
I’ve been begging them for 9 years now. She turned 9 last month. To change her schools and put her in ballet.
Life is cruel 😢 oh and the worst part is.. she has a smart phone 🤦♀️🤬
@@elijimenez7710 Hey there. I've actually changed my opinions a lot since I wrote that comment. I disagree with some of Daniel's views nowadays. First off, I don't think it's a bad thing to have a smartphone - technology is how we stay connected with people, and social connection is extremely important to mental health. Technology is especially good for staying connected with people overseas. I have nieces and nephews overseas, and technology is the only way I can stay in touch with them. You can do things like puzzles and games on a smartphone, which are very mentally stimulating and enriching for a child's brain. (If you really want to, you can even learn to code on a smartphone, if you don't have a computer). So despite many people saying smartphones are bad, I think they can be a blessing. It's how we use them. We can also use these gifts to help others in our community if we so desire.
That being said, it would be cool if your sister could have ballet lessons too. I'd want that for my daughter or sister if I had one, or my niece. However, we can't have EVERYTHING we want in life, it would be impossible - we only get one lifetime after all, so it would literally be impossible to fill that time doing everything we desire. Sometimes we might want ballet or music lessons and we just can't have that thing. I've been there - my whole life, I always wanted what I couldn't have. I wanted to have a skateboard so I could be "cool" like the cool skateboard kids. Etc etc. I think this mindset only leads to more depression, and it comes from a lack of self-love and gratitude. Gratitude can be powerful - being thankful for the things you DO have, really cherishing them. Maybe someday we will meet someone who appreciates our particular gifts and talents, even if we don't like ourselves.
As for religion, I think there's (at least partially) some wisdom in religion, and maybe to a certain degree religion is good for out mental health - keeping us grounded and such. I can however see why you would dislike religion - religious people often give religion a bad name, trying to force it on others in a harsh way. (And also, religion is so fear based - there's so much gruesome imagery in religion used to scare people, which I absolutely hate). I resisted religion for a long time before deciding it had some wisdom to offer me - not because people who forced me, but because I had to come to that path on my own. Just like me, you will have a certain path, and that's why nobody should force you to believe a certain thing - if you are forced, it will only want to make you rebel against it further.
I think love is acceptance and seeing someone. I agree with peter breggin. True love tries to meet your needs even if they cant and you feel that, not rejected.
I officially have a crush on Daniel Mackler ☺️ is that healthy🤔
Great videos! Useful information!
4:18 You mean like in Rick and Morty where Beth and Jerry go to the alien couples therapy and make (literal)monsters from how they think of each other, that work together to destroy.
Ouch! The truth hurts.
Hurt is when healing begins.
This is my husband…his neediness has pushed me away from him and now we’re separated. He crushed me and smothered me. 😖
So sorry to hear this 😢 I wish you both healing ❤️🩹 and Love ❤️
He must have been a neglected baby and child if he’s so needy and clingy right?
So sad 😭
Thank u
Thank You....This is good ...... I get it.....
super helpful
I think this is all on a case by case basis and circumstances. " It's not always rainbows and butterflies it's compromise that moves us along."
This guy is the smartest man alive. 🙂
Agreed!
Nice insights, in this video i completely agree with You. But in real life it's difficult to See something like that. It seems that love is a person that can resolve my past traumas and can make me feel secure. Can You explain better what real love is? Because if someone has no needs how can you help him grow? For example, i am a solitary person And i like spend time alone with myself, But my girlfriend Take this personally and blame me For Not taking care of her. What's the problem?
great! than you
If this is one’s view of love (as it is mine), how do we reconcile the issue that we may have so many needs that may never be healthy or feel met? What if it’s a human condition to not necessarily get needs met in some arbitrarily dictated way, and so (unhealthy) monogamous love is our socially evolved way of getting those met.
Are there good sources about what to do with childhood trauma? I have goone through my own sort of childhood stuff. What is the way to letting that go? What is the way to healing that, really dealing with problems of your own and finally becoming a matured adult? Because I feel like I'm an adult while being a child on the inside. No big responsibilities, no good things as far as education and that kind of stuff going on, hard to even keep a job straight without not skipping work and so on.
Hm, I don't believe in bad love. Just bad lies, bad actions, and bad emotions. "In love" is different, you shouldn't be in love with anyone unless that's meeting a mutual agreement. I'm doubting anyone should decide for themselves they're in love with someone. However, to give love, as it aught to be, I consider that a command from God. God is love. Love thy neighbor as thyself. Love each other, as God would love you.
I think love in truth, is a nice glass of cold water, anything else you put into becomes the problem, if it can be considered a poisoned substance. Love with joy, not so bad. Love with happiness, pretty good mix. Love with need, want, jealousy, or any other toxic emotion, not really needed.
So if not you deciding then who ? I have to disagree in this one
I agree with you Jeremy.
I found this video very helpful! however I am aware of how limited of a view it is. It is one thing to think about, but it seems like a biased lense trying to explain a complex and diverse experience across different humans.
One thing as an example, is that "healthy love is nurturing and giving" sounds kind of like a needed response to your own childhood dramas or something. Not to like project or assume of course, just, I'm skeptical of that.
but the discourse about "unhealthy love being need" is definitely a good example of one kind of unhealthy love
True
i know all this and yet don't know what to do about it. still in the same toxic relationship of 6 years that i have left twice and it was worse when i left.
How does one determine whether they and/or their partner has unmet childhood needs or not?
❤️
Shouldn’t we all say that we love ourselves first then?
Yes. Start with reprogramming your mind. Auto suggesting and affirmations. Morning and night. Self love prayer. 3 months later, heart ♥️ is healed.
Just a curious question - Have you read Fromm's ideas of love and what do you think about them? Greetings
I came up with the same theory about a few months ago
This topic is 95% of what LMN movies are about.
What are some ways that we can "heal ourselves" so that we can love others in a healthy way?
Do your Grief Work.
All emotions can be either healthy or unhealthy. Not just love. True, need is desired by many and is exposed by its selfish nature. To be in love with another shouldn't expose selfishness but rather the mutual recognition that the one is completed by the other. That is, mutual needs are met.
8:57 really!?
Wow!
☯️🖤🤍
Ouch, you can really describe things accurately, a little wince-making but very helpful and enlightening.
👌🏼🎯💯
This has happened to me, and I realized it.