This hits close to home, I felt pressured to have a girlfriend as early as third grade. I felt like I NEEDED to be intimate with someone. When I was 19 and was still a virgin, people made fun of me for it, so I got heavily involved in the pickup community. I went nuts approaching every girl I could, and a year into it, it worked. I lost my virginity, and I ended up in a relationship with a girl I met randomly on the street for 9 months. This taught me a little bit about what it was like to be in love with someone and what it took to be in a relationship. It also taught me that I wasn't very good at it. I stopped being so desperate to have sex and started to see women as people. Being 23 years old now, I'm still working on my issues, and recently I've been abstaining from porn. Ever since, I've felt a lot less objectifying of women, and I find them easier to build friendships with. I don't always feel creepy or like I'm lusting after them. I view them as very similar to me. I don't know if I'm above a one night stand, but I like to get to know people instead of thinking about what I can get out of them.
I don’t understand why more men can’t be like this? I’ve been celibate for about 6 months and won’t have sex until marriage or at least until I’m ready. Why do we all treat each other like objects? I’d much rather be friends with a man.
Im a 25 year old virgin myself and yesterday I had my first kiss ever. I had made and squandered a few female relationships and friendships because of how I would objectify and idolize women with porn and lack of experience with women. I'm getting better at controlling the biological feelings and it warms my heart to know the girl I was with had a great time with me.
My 43 year old self feels so much regret for having disrespected myself and my body for all these years. Everything you say is so right on. Almost all the sex I had led to issues and suffering and wasn’t worth it. Our world is indeed messed up.
Y’know what I really don’t get? In TV shows how couples can have sex for a year but still act like saying “I love you,” is some sort of faux pas. Do not understand that at all. If uncomfortable with that sort of intimacy, that’d be a big red flag for me to pump the brakes. Like, sticking your dick in something would, at least to me, imply some sort of commitment to the consequences, and yet these characters are caught up about whether or not they appear “sentimental” or something? My insecurities are exactly opposite to that of most people it seems; I’m more terrified of disappointing someone or abusing someone than I am of the prospect of masturbating alone. Am I out of my mind on this one?
100% with u mate. I feel I'd have abused myself and let myself down to do that sort of stuff without my heart. And that's after I was proposed of FWB from a "friend". Good luck to ones who haven't figured that bit out yet ;p
As a lesbian who observes many problems with the culture of sex and romance, I enjoyed hearing your perspective now. Love that you recognize that women are your equal and that friendships are most rewarding. I'm opening myself to more friendships with men and have discovered that theres value in relationships with all people. I've learned that many men are respectful and wont violate your boundaries. The old ideas about romance and "male subject female object" only divide us. Power comes from recognizing that all of us are equals and we can have life enriching friendships with each other.
@@scaringclaring5240 I know that I am inconsistent with my responding. Sometimes I don’t respond to anyone for weeks at a time. And I don’t feel good about that! (my energy comes and goes.) Interestingly, on a few other videos I just responded to about 20 different people. As it happened, most of them were men. Wishing you the best, Daniel
This video brings me back to my days in high school where I never dated. I used to feel being single in high school meant there was something terribly wrong with me, and I felt horrible. Being single in high school gave me anxiety. Once I started dating at the end of college, this felt like it gave me a boost in social status. However, those college relationships were bad, even those relationships after college. It wasn't until later that I realized my urge to have girlfriends was an excuse to avoid working on areas of myself that had been neglected from child hood. It's been 5 years since my last relationship, and I'm content being single and I've learned it's important to be single and happy, than miserable with another person.
I remember debating with myself whether I wanted to date someone with just 6 months till starting university. My best friend was there on AOL Instant Messenger when I asked her out through IM. It was the best and worst decision of my life. The hardest thing is that we are expected the have a girlfriend that is also your soulmate in high school AND we're expected to screw around in university. Although for me, I just wanted to focus on my studies. She never believed me. Going back, I would have either never dated or taken a year off before starting university. Not sure which. My oldest son will be 18 in 11 years.
As a teenager, I never really liked the idea of havin sex too early. Partly because of religious belief, but mostly was about that I always find others teens to be really immature towards that. Have a conversation with older people - someone older than 30 - and see how they saw that. *The vast majority of them didn't liked their first sexual relationship* , it ended up horrible, wasn't satisfying or they were just very pressure to do it. Some of them get pregnant early, others got emotional problems, others didn't knew how to manage their lives and a lot died unhappy cause they were preoccupied by what others might thought about them. I never wanted to rush things, of course as I'm a teen and hormones make me feel horny sometimes, yet I still can control that in a way. I think people like us make less than 5% of the total population. It's hard to find. Good to get wisdom from elders who have been through this and are willing to help us make it easier in life. Thanks, Daniel, I really like your videos :) sorry for my bad english >xD
Daniel we grew up in a different time. Alcohol, drugs and the “hookup culture” were pushed and promoted by schools, media and society in the 90’s, 00’s and early 10’s
Wow, you're bringing back memories I had completely forgotten -- the pressure to be involved with the opposite sex when, at the time, all I wanted to do was play and learn the guitar.
When I was younger, I felt desperate to find a girlfriend. I think deep down I was just hoping that they would be kinder to me than everyone else was, because of the stereotypes that they're more "emotional" and more "nurturing". I also had the same messages about objectifying women. I resisted those messages for a short time in high school, but I also had absolutely no social skills to speak of whatsoever. So, I ended up being rejected by quite a few women which in hindsight wasn't a surprise at all but as a young teenager, it definitely hurt quite a lot, even when my only friend at the time seemed to form sexual relationships with any woman that he wanted to. Eventually, I did start objectifying women because I started to become addicted to pornography. I'm not sure if I sought it out as a refuge for my fantasies or what exactly but in the end, it was sort of a band-aid in that I could fantasize about myself being attractive to all sorts of women. Obviously, pornography is unhealthy and I had to learn that the hard way after being addicted to it for nearly 15 years. Nowadays, I do have a lovely girlfriend who does care for me a lot. I still struggle with sexual fantasies, but I don't watch pornography at all anymore, so I have to take a win where I can get one. In the end, I would have told my younger self that women aren't refuges in themselves, and that you have to find a safe place for yourself. That was definitely a difficult thing for me as a teenager since my home life was also chaotic and abusive. I didn't really have a safe place to turn to as a younger child, so I could have turned out quite a bit worse than I have been.
Nice talk Daniel. I can relate a lot to what you said given that I'm a Western man who grew up in probably quite a similar culture and didn't lose my virginity until I was 20 (which was a source of deep shame for me as a teenage virgin in urban London). I feel that most young people in this day and age need the influence of people like yourself but unfortunately our Western culture is hellbent on feeding the youth with warped messages about all sorts of things from sex and relationships to the glorification of consumerism etc. And it's just as bad if not worse for women/girls because when you have a culture that breeds predatory men who learn to objectify women's bodies, the result is that women and girls will either feel constantly endangered if they are considered conventionally attractive, or feel worthless if they are not. And of course that feeds the beauty/cosmetics/fashion industries, so on and so forth. Down with the whole system I say :-)
I''m 23 and i just got out of an extremely painful first relationship. I feel myself wanting to rush into another relationship to bury the painful feelings and of course have the chance to have sex again..... But i'm trying to take this advice to heart and focus my time instead on healing from my trauma and becoming a more satisfied person on my own before i try to be with someone again. Thanks Daniel, your videos always seem to help me get out of the societally pressured mindset and come from a place that's more comfortable with myself
I can relate. Thank you for speaking on this important subject. In high school, I lost friends because I didn’t have a boyfriend. My guy friend asked me a couple of times to date him. I refused. I did not get the impression that he was in love with me. I got the impression that he just wanted a girlfriend.
It's honestly not that different for women. A little more to hold back maybe, if you can "afford" to be picky. But our society is sexually screwed up for sure. I mean why does nobody talk about it as a normal thing...
I'd give myself the advice of, stop attempting to be a social-butterfly (every "party" is the fucking same) and follow your own pull. Start figuring out how to trust yourself.
Your advice to your teenage self would be the same I would give to mine if I could do that. From a very young age I was indoctrinated in the "trying to get some" attitude toward women. It was just another form of competition for bragging rights. Girls were viewed as sex objects and at the same time if attractive, put way up on a pedestal. All of of this really fucked with my head when young. I didn't get this from my parents. This kind of thinking was just very pervasive in society. I would hope that we are evolving beyond these kind social mores.
l am 18 and l have this feeling that the people who have relationship are better than me but you clear something . Thank you Danil so much l really love your philosophy
Daniel Mackler! thank you! I've been waiting 55 years to hear a healthy "sex and relationship" talk. Our goal as humans is for connection. Unfortunately I sexualized intimacy, friendship and relationships...so I got uncomfortable in any normal interraction and thought there was a sexual undertone at even a hint of intimacy (real intimacy...not sexual energy, ie. transparency, humility, honesty, closeness). This misinformed ME was blocked from what I really needed..connection. I would go directly to act out the sex and of course end up more empty(or the 'perverse' feeling sexual toward a friend would make me shut down every feeling and disassociate). I knew of no other response b/c I had been objectified my whole childhood by narc parents and sexually preyed on by an uncle. I went "external" and acted out instead of going "internal" and knowing what my real needs were. Which now I'm learning to get in touch with my internal (having my own identity) my wants, needs and feelings, not preying on someone else. Being equals in a friendship, with no agenda or preconceived notion about what is supposed to happen in a relationship. When you were talking about not kissing for even a few months, my inner critic was already hearing about myself "Oh, he must be gay" and the old "if you haven't had sex by the 3rd date something is wrong with him" or for women " what's wrong with me, he hasn't even touched me and it's been 3 dates". So sad how the majority of us have stumbled through this blindly...looking for our self worth from external sources, seeking affirmation from others is insanity, and from our sexual performance?!! Good Lord what a mess. That affirmation should have come from nurturing and affirming parents in childhood guiding us to our hearts, but sadly it rarely happens like a fairytale and we act out our traumas until we learn it is not working. We have to become aware of the fractured child inside and reparent them. Jesus modeled this with his encounters with tortured ppl in the bible, he saw straight through to their hearts (listened to them..saw their spirit, the truth about them) and he wants us to get it, to snap out of the trance, to wake up to the truth about ourselves...that we are lovable without having to perform, God is not mad at us, we can quit being mad at ourselves, can let go of the hostility and fear and begin to let love enter. On the cross, Jesus said "forgive them father for they know not what they do"! "They" are us...trying to get our needs met by using others, objectifiying ourselves and others... power, division, hierarchy, comparison, manipulation, grandiosity, blame, shame, abuse. You name it, it all feels bad. The power is inside of us where God lives, the bible is God speaking to us, try to read it by drilling down to the loving message, if what you're reading feels condemning, ask God to help you with that and move forward, but don't stop seeking God, because there is no condemnation from God(that is from ourselves and man-invented..satan). God is Love. Just like healthy relationships, there must be vulnerablility, trust and willingness (you cannot control it), you cannot manipulate God! . I know men who struggle years later with distrust from their now wives, who they manipulated into sex before marriage. Men and women are equal per-se, but I think men carry a heavier load when it comes to the initiation of sex. And yes, I've had women take the lead and be the aggressor. But just making the point that ppl can carry resentment for a LONG time for being manipulated into doing something they did not want to do, especially sexual. It's OK to say "I am sorry" and be specific. Thank God for forgiveness through Jesus ONCE FOR ALL action! We are all sinful (f'd up) and with God's grace we can move forward trusting His sovereignty and promise to all ppl who believe.
This is how I feel any time someone starts to become needy. I’m putting myself and my job first. I’d rather just be friends with someone because when things move too fast I get uncomfortable. I’d rather get to know the person first. My parents never fought and my dad cheated on my mom. To this day my dad still lies about it it’s pretty sad. I’ve cut my parents off recently and they don’t bother talking to me. It’s so weird. I’ve pretty much stopped talking to everybody and stay to myself. I’m pretty comfortable with this life style. 🤷♀️
Thank you for publically sharing this message. I’ve had the same thoughts surrounding this subject & always desired a deep connection with my partner as another human & soul- nobody told me that. I just listen to my inner self. Unfortunately though, in today’s society, hook-up culture is very prevalent. As a woman, I’ve had extremely disappointing & painful experiences due to the men’s lack of emotional maturity & expectations of rushing into sex. I wish more people viewed each other as humans like you mentioned- it would be a better society.
I was bullied by other boys and men. Most of my friends have been women. Ive only ever had one relationship that became sexual. Did not pursue sexual relationships due to my trauma of being a CSA survivor and having a low sense of valu accompanied by a fear of allowing people to be in that vulnerable space with me. I do feel like so many good friendships i could have had were sabotaged by women who could not tolerate being just friends.
Daniel, We are the same age. 90s advice blasted us to have sex and obtain it, often. We are cracking out of a shell or cocoon, an old way is falling off. We see that males and females are simply humans & they can be non-sexual friends --and that's awesome! These days I'm just learning to finally love myself (as I should have been taught, but I was taught the opposite). Hearing political dudes tout that they don't enter rooms alone with women --and making new male 'friends' who eventually show they're thinking I'm trying to "hook up" with them when I'm seeking friendship; it's always about sexual intercourse? Not the friendship?? In 1993 I made a plutonic friendship with a guy that I thought was life-long strong. After a decade or so, he tells me he can't continue our friendship because his wife. I've never been sexually attracted to him and neither of us has ever made a move on the other. Such assumptions! Because his wife, lol. That was his answer. He's afraid and she's jealous. I'm out. That's fine, I don't want friends like that, anyway. But it's sad. I don't want friends who are secretly trying to fronk me, always looking for a way to get in. I want true friendships and I don't like being seen as a "pussy," in our last president's terms, I apologize. But I'm not an object. These days, I know I was choosing friends based off my skewed view of reality from my traumatic childhood home in my youth. I was choosing unhealthy people who didn't value others; I was choosing people like my parents. Now I'm healing & I'm more picky. I'm not overlooking red flags, anymore. I'm looking for real people with real feelings they're not really afraid to show. You give me hope that there are people like me out there. Thank you Daniel. Your sober, hard-earned advice can be helpful for all people.
Wow. Talk about the other side of the spectrum! My parents never encouraged my sisters & I to have boyfriends. In fact, they seem to discourage it, especially my mom. 😂 And while their relationship wasn’t ideal, (my dad had a bad temper at times), I don’t really recall any huge arguments between them. I resented them when I was a naive teenager but now I look back and feel pretty grateful that they cared enough, in their own way, to love and protect us. They are both gone now. I married in my early 40s and am pretty happy. Our 10th year anniversary is this November.
These are very good points. There was not much wisdom around me either, growing up, in these areas. Not from teachers, parents, family, or peers. It was like a jungle where things would just happen. Sometimes my emotions would guide me, but many times I behaved in ways I very much regret. I think a lot of it stems from loneliness, emptiness, a lack of purpose, direction, and sense of belonging. If something was intense, physically or emotionally, you would feel like something is going on, that you're engaging with the world. That you're not aimless. But no, it was all pretty aimless. So many wasted years and sour connections, some of which should never have happened, some of which were hurtful, in some of which I hurt people who didn't deserve to be hurt. In this respect society is broken. Some people have the wisdom not to fumble like that but for the most part we were surrounded by people who didn't have a clue (and neither did we). There was no guidance, no safe space, no wisdom and no respect. Yes, I can very much relate.
Great video, I too have shifted in the way I view connecting with others. I had a therapist once explain to me the difference between "using someone as a vehicle for sex" and "using sex as a vehicle for connection" and i appreciated the distinction. I'm not sure i agree with equating abstinence to "purity" as that term is riddled with judgment but I can appreciate the spirit of that idea. Thank you for sharing this.
If you want to have a grounded, equitable relationship essentially depends on you: can you make compromises and sacrifices for another, not so you get anything in return, but in order to simply selflessly give of yourself to a trusted partner? The most significant reward of a mutually fulfilling relationship is having a trustworthy partner who not only validates and respects you but offers you a nonjudgmental hand in this remarkable journey we call life.
Well done!!! - honest, open, to the point, with love and care to oneself!!! Brilliant talk!!! Thanks a lot! Teachers, parents listen and heed every word!
Dan, thanks for sharing this. I had the same problems. And the relationship difficulty is partly from my sexually abused experience. And what makes your channel valuable in CZcams compare to many analysis-oriented content is your FRANKNESS and honest. The reason I guess why you become that honest is: You never have that important mirror in your early life (me too), and take the audience’s eyes as the missing mirror. (Hope you don’t feel this observation as a critic. Because I myself do the same thing in my social media account of sharing many important personal and frank or private feelings. I need that mirroring and the understanding. ) and wish you have more courage to share more,
As a 23 year old man, I would like to learn and apply these lessons now, as opposed to later in life.. I feel like I totally resonated with this whole video. I've been listening to this often lately its been helpful to me.. Thank you.
I think of you as someone who is very similar to me but 30 years older. I too was bullied a lot by life and have parents that hated each other but stayed together with their trama. And I too am struggling with my dating life. This video is very personal to me I thank you for that.
Daniel, thank you for having worked on yourself, for having used your insight to change you into this mature man. If all men would understand this, they would be great friends, fathers, brothers, boyfriends, great examples, leaders and protectors. I wish the same for women - I wish they would learn to wait, not to see themselves as objects only valued for their looks. Thank you for this inspiration Daniel, God bless you! :)
Such a great video, thank you for sharing Daniel! I feel the same way about it. I did not want to date in highschool, just did not get what people were doing. I love being single now and when guys approach me with the desire to date me I tell them that I just want to be friends. I understand they feel sexual desire, but I can't go there until I know somebody first/have an emotional connection. If "dating" means "hooking up", it's just not my thing. I have great female friends and some really wonderful guy friends, and I also have been loving getting to know myself/my needs and desires better.
Hi Daniel, I wanted to share an interesting observation I had which I would be interested in your input on. At the very beginning of the video you said “dealing with women” and this phrase immediately perturbed me. It was striking to me that someone beginning on the topic of romance would use the term “dealing with women”. I tried to imagine myself, a lesbian woman, wanting to talk about romance and saying “dealing with women”. I would never say it. I don’t know a single lesbian who would on some level feel women are something to “deal” with. I’m not suggesting overt misogyny I’m actually more interested in the nuanced, underlying ways men may be taught to feel about women that would influence their entire romantic interaction with women. I haven’t watched to the end so I will do so now.
@@Sketch_Sesh Hi! In my comment, I don't seem to have said I was triggered or that I desired Daniel to change his language. I was adding an insightful observation which speaks to the way in which romantic relationships are experienced by men and women in this society. I think part of observing society and yourself and others is adding insights on your observations in a measured and analytical way. Language is a powerful tool, and reveals much about how we experience life. :)
Hi Samara - I went back and listened to the beginning of the video and I agree with what you said - and I like your thought experiment about imagining a lesbian saying such a thing. I guess all I have to say in my own defense (or in defense of the video) is that in preparing to make this video I partly put myself back in my mindset of thirty-some years ago, and my language reflects that time in my life, and the struggles I was going through. Women were presented to me as a sort of prize/adversary/object, and my feelings about women in general were laced with hope and fear and sadness and terror and alienation and fantasy - and I find this sad. Thank you for commenting. Daniel
I find the double standards incredible. Women and the media can make all kinds of disparaging and demeaning remarks about men, generalizations, stereotypes and nobody bats an eye. Daniel says “dealing with women” and he’s put under a microscope for closet misogyny lol
@@Sketch_Sesh doesn't sound like a projection to me...language is powerful. I do love Daniel's videos and am a massive fan of his. The work "deal" leapt out at me too. I'm sure it wasn't meant in a strange way in the slightest, and can be sometimes thrown around as a habitual kind of word - perhaps culture-bound - however I wasn't a fan whether when I saw/heard it.
You’re very thoughtful and it’s very much appreciated….I will share this video as I know it can help so many… while the pain of the metamorphosistic teen years is inevitable, these reflections can relieve some suffering I’m sure.
Hi! I rarely comment on videos but now i felt the urge to. Thank you for the content you created so far and for what's to come, you've helped me a lot and to my surprise almost instantly felt a sense of release listening to you. Keep up the good work and I thank you deeply again for sharing your experience so sincerely.
The only message I could give my teenage self 15 years ago is to not repeat my parents mistake of not giving myself attention. If I had given myself the attention necessary I probably would not be attracted to older man.
This video hits a spot, you really articulated an internal wound of mine into words. The video provided a permission slip to heal. Seriously, this topic has been immense suffering as a male for so long I thought no light would exist and I'm alone carrying this internal burden until it kills me with heartache and stress.
Hey Daniel, I know you only speak on things you have knowledge on/ have thought out extensively, but I would really love a video specifically on how past to deal with past abuse/trauma impeding romantic and sexual expression. I worry that all of my sexual preferences/ taste in men is somehow a result of my past abuse, which makes my feelings invalid or messed up. I've even started to question my sexual orientation, but I don't know if it is legitimate or if it is because I have been "damaged." I have a problem with being attracted to older men, which I know is wrong for many reasons (I'm a minor), and I'm starting to just feel like my sexuality is screwed up. I don't know which feelings are right or wrong.
I know you didn't ask me but I think you're on to something there. I have an unhealthy attraction to much older women that I believe is tied to emotions with my mother and my desire to make her feel comfortable about herself. Going through the pain of what your abusers did to you will help you rid yourself of sexual triggers that aren't in your real nature. Abuse can gum up the mechanics of your sexuality. In many ways, we are like zombies, walking around with heavy weights on our shoulders, not knowing who we are really. Hopefully, Daniel will see your comment!
Or maybe not, you have to define your own sexuality, if you are attracted to older men, that's your taste.... so long as you're not a child and you're above legal age it's ok, you are your own master about whom you like to have sex with.... don't let society screw your orientation.....
The devil vs an angel type comments in these replies. But you’re completely right, don’t listen to people telling you it’s liberating to express these things or empowering to wanna feel humiliated in the bedroom or have all these “kinks” there’s always a root and NO you’re not the “master of your sexuality” because like all people, it’s almost always altered by some trauma or deep feelings of shame/trauma/ unhealthy submissiveness/unhealthy dominance
Thanks for your wisdom. Going forward I can be a little more comfortable talking to women with less of some hidden agenda to get something out of them and instead be more focused on their person - this will make me feel more relaxed and comfortable because I won’t feel pressured to take things to some romantic level. I don’t want to hurt others or myself so I am figuring out what relationships I want to have with people including women - and it’s nice to hear that my relationships with women can be friendly instead of agenda based. Whenever I see an attractive women my male brain considers that possibility of something romantic which can increase the pressure I feel when speaking but so long as I treat everyone with general respect then it becomes easier to talk to everyone nicely whether they are attractive women or not.
As someone who didn't receive this advice, thank you. I have had so many wonderful amazing women in my life with whom I kinda messed things up by getting sexual too quickly, and as a result pulling away from them because I wasn't ready for that level of intimacy. Thank you. its much appreciated. I am still 28 so there's hope!
Im a woman only been with 4 men sexually with I was still a Virgin. Still unmarried at 32. I hope it’s not too late. I really regret me being naive and thinking these men loved me.
Been looking at people as human beings for decades.. got some interesting looks/comments along the way as folks were concentrating so intensely on woman/man =) Speaking heart to heart automatically does that, at least for me.
As a 38 year-old virgin, I wouldn’t give your exact advice, but I’d moderate it. When you’re 38 and you’ve never had a relationship, you look back at your life and wonder what you could have done better. It might be that there was just nobody who I would have matched with. But then it’s like, what am I striving and working hard for then? Yes, I’m grateful that I’ve dodged bullets like STDs and unintended pregnancies, but at the same time, I’m halfway through my life and I feel as though I may have missed out on some truly joyful experiences as well.
Willkott Well, it’s not an issue of not working out. Currently, a lot of it is I don’t have time I want to invest in dating because I’ve been in law school. Before, it was an issue of not having enough finances to be a suitable partner for what I’d want. But... my prediction is that I’m not going to find or be attracted to people my age or have much respect for people significantly younger than me.
This is so interesting to me because i didn’t know men felt pressured to “have a girlfriend”. I thought society mainly pressured them to have many sexual partners
My wife recently asked me what advice I'd give to my grandsons who recently had birthdays at ages 18 and 21. I said I'd advise them to avoid smoking , drinking, gambling and chasing women ...let them chase you. Your heartfelt advice to yourself as a youth is invaluable.
100%, ah those good old days when we knew nothing (Jon Snow)...I realised, like u mentioned in other videos, being single offers a chance to re-connect deeper with one's authentic self. Our society/social media's propaganda isn't helpful, the "relationships" portrayed is over-rating and biased.
Hello, Any advice on how to break free from family? (I know Daniel has a video on breaking free from family) but I was wondering if I could get some advice on breaking from them to mature and grow as a person. Im in my 20s and Im currently a college student and I'm ready to move away from them. Although I am scared to move(another state) I'm healing from codependency,narcissism and scapegoating.I KNOW this is best for me.
Please go see Lisa A Romano she has a channel here on CZcams and many books and that on audible to help you do exactly this. I had the same issue and it helped me tremendously. And with steps that are easy to follow and you can go at your own pace. Even though we know it's horrible it's a painful process to get away from. I hope this helps and remember you're not alone. 🌺💜
K T hey!! I’m in the same position. Uni student, 22 and I’m moving out of my house to get away from my bdp/narc mother. Please watch Kris godinez videos, shes helped me tremendously to understand and get the courage and advice to leave. Good luck xx
Daniel actually has a book called "Breaking from your Parents" and it could be exactly what you need right now. I bought it a couple of months ago since I have been in this process of breaking from them since I moved out at 17 and wanted some advice as well from someone who experienced breaking from their parents as well. I absolutely recommend it! It feels good to read it and feel understood and encouraged in your beliefs about breaking from your parents and evolving and healing as a person, and also a lot of really good advice, You are not alone! I'm 22 by the way and also a college student. I can imagine how scary it must be to actually move away from them, thats what they want us to feel. But if you know, you know and it is the right thing to do, to fight for your right to heal. I wish you a lot of strength! You got this.
@@KT-gl6fe Yes, she's a great resource. Was the first reference I worked with as an ACON (Adult Child Of Narcissists) and began to understand what it meant.
@@Mawi331 If you feel they are sabatoging your attempts at growth and still abusing and not respecting boundaries, HEY...no foul, get the hell outta there and you have God's full cooperation, many stories in the bible tell about ppl leaving their land or families to get away into new territory where they can 'hear' God's voice...hear the purpose He has for their lives, discover your God given gifts. If you are in bondage, you are a slave to them. Don't stay tied to them in shame and guilt trying to fix them and the fairytale relationship you "wish" for. I kept going back apologising for years until about age 50, killing myself psychologically until I almost imploded and realized, hey! this is not working and I cannot change them!! >>Not talking about your wife and kids...if you have a family, you commit your ass to growth and loving them and not inflicting the abuse you learned from your parents on them, I'm talking about getting away from your abusive parents, and keep them away from your children if you so desire!!!
Brilliant video fella. My first genuine REAL girlfriend was a true Sagittarius Earth Angel when I was in my mid teens. We were really good friends first, so we had a strong foundation there to build from. I know that she's the first person I actually loved way more than I'd ever loved myself. She was such a bloody cool and deeply rich person, someone whom I'd always love, enjoy being around, and look up to because of her strength and nobility. As brief as it was, I proper lived the dream with her 🥰 The advice I'd give to anyone else is in two parts... First, be good friends to begin with, and make sure you have plenty of meaningful common interests, ones that you can talk about for ages and be enveloped in a discussion of ideas and thoughts with them, instead of bickering about events or other people like petty muppets because you have f*ck all in else to talk about. usually if the reason for being together is status, or the illusion of monetary security, that always leads to disaster... "Small minds talk about other people. Mediocre minds go on about events. Great minds discuss interesting ideas" that's even sweeter when you're doing the latter with good company 😊 Secondly, when I was a lot younger, there were many insecurities bouncing about inside my immature mind later down the line, which caused an absolute betrayal towards my past love. And like Arthur Schopenhauer said "A person who betrays trust once loses it forever". If you ever have any stupid insecurities that make you freak out, self sabotage, or bitter even, just try your hardest to find simple words to discuss them with the other person. More than likely, they'll do their utmost to find a way to help you if they genuinely love you. I know my past love would have, so would my parents. But I couldn't put into words all the stupid things that were constantly looming, which no teen should even be thinking about at such an age. It felt sort of like that nightmare scenario of when you try screaming for help but no sound comes out. I self sabotaged and ruined everything. Don't do what I did FFS. "There's wisdom in learning from other peoples' mistakes aswell as your own" 👍😉
I feel this a lot. Through my encounters with love and romance I learned how deep my issues would really go. Once you have someone on your team, you really understand, that it's difficult to be in your team. And vice versa.
@@vau_st The right person can uncover any insecurities and weaknesses you have. They can push you in a good way to grow. My past self was too mentally infantile to deal with it, so I lost the best thing that ever happened to me, and that includes comparing her to being born. As I said, avoid doing what I did as best you can. Just talk, and you'll likely be able to sort things out...
YESSS. As someone who is conventionally attractive, men don't want to be just friends with me. They always want something sexual. Like, why is it so difficult for males and females to be just friends?? I want them to see me as a fucking human being with feelings and emotions, not a sex object. No one wants to get to know me on an emotional level. They only see my physical appearance. It's a very lonely life. I hope many young men watch this video and take your advice. Thank you, Daniel.
This hits close to home, I felt pressured to have a girlfriend as early as third grade. I felt like I NEEDED to be intimate with someone. When I was 19 and was still a virgin, people made fun of me for it, so I got heavily involved in the pickup community. I went nuts approaching every girl I could, and a year into it, it worked. I lost my virginity, and I ended up in a relationship with a girl I met randomly on the street for 9 months. This taught me a little bit about what it was like to be in love with someone and what it took to be in a relationship. It also taught me that I wasn't very good at it. I stopped being so desperate to have sex and started to see women as people.
Being 23 years old now, I'm still working on my issues, and recently I've been abstaining from porn. Ever since, I've felt a lot less objectifying of women, and I find them easier to build friendships with. I don't always feel creepy or like I'm lusting after them. I view them as very similar to me. I don't know if I'm above a one night stand, but I like to get to know people instead of thinking about what I can get out of them.
@BASIL!!!!! The pumpin' Seagull thank you!
I really like this idea. I think starting out as friends is a good idea.
I don’t understand why more men can’t be like this? I’ve been celibate for about 6 months and won’t have sex until marriage or at least until I’m ready. Why do we all treat each other like objects? I’d much rather be friends with a man.
Hope you're doing well these days 🙏
I like this man real introspective 👍🏾👍🏾
Good video. I'm a virgin guy close to age 28(not asexual) and while I do feel pressured I stopped worrying about it.
Good on you
Im a 25 year old virgin myself and yesterday I had my first kiss ever. I had made and squandered a few female relationships and friendships because of how I would objectify and idolize women with porn and lack of experience with women.
I'm getting better at controlling the biological feelings and it warms my heart to know the girl I was with had a great time with me.
My 43 year old self feels so much regret for having disrespected myself and my body for all these years. Everything you say is so right on. Almost all the sex I had led to issues and suffering and wasn’t worth it. Our world is indeed messed up.
Absolutely.
As a male very close to your age I hear you and can relate to that.
Y’know what I really don’t get? In TV shows how couples can have sex for a year but still act like saying “I love you,” is some sort of faux pas. Do not understand that at all. If uncomfortable with that sort of intimacy, that’d be a big red flag for me to pump the brakes. Like, sticking your dick in something would, at least to me, imply some sort of commitment to the consequences, and yet these characters are caught up about whether or not they appear “sentimental” or something? My insecurities are exactly opposite to that of most people it seems; I’m more terrified of disappointing someone or abusing someone than I am of the prospect of masturbating alone. Am I out of my mind on this one?
I feel the same way man. I couldn't imagine having sex with someone I didn't have that emotional intimacy with, honestly.
What rare breed!
100% with u mate.
I feel I'd have abused myself and let myself down to do that sort of stuff without my heart. And that's after I was proposed of FWB from a "friend". Good luck to ones who haven't figured that bit out yet ;p
Nope. Totally get that.
As a lesbian who observes many problems with the culture of sex and romance, I enjoyed hearing your perspective now. Love that you recognize that women are your equal and that friendships are most rewarding. I'm opening myself to more friendships with men and have discovered that theres value in relationships with all people. I've learned that many men are respectful and wont violate your boundaries. The old ideas about romance and "male subject female object" only divide us. Power comes from recognizing that all of us are equals and we can have life enriching friendships with each other.
☺️☺️☺️
@@dmackler58 There are men here who have written insightful comments. Yet, you have ignored responding to all of them.
@@scaringclaring5240 I know that I am inconsistent with my responding. Sometimes I don’t respond to anyone for weeks at a time. And I don’t feel good about that! (my energy comes and goes.) Interestingly, on a few other videos I just responded to about 20 different people. As it happened, most of them were men. Wishing you the best, Daniel
@@dmackler58 Okay. Understand.
Thanks 😀
This video brings me back to my days in high school where I never dated. I used to feel being single in high school meant there was something terribly wrong with me, and I felt horrible. Being single in high school gave me anxiety. Once I started dating at the end of college, this felt like it gave me a boost in social status. However, those college relationships were bad, even those relationships after college. It wasn't until later that I realized my urge to have girlfriends was an excuse to avoid working on areas of myself that had been neglected from child hood. It's been 5 years since my last relationship, and I'm content being single and I've learned it's important to be single and happy, than miserable with another person.
💯💯💯
I remember debating with myself whether I wanted to date someone with just 6 months till starting university. My best friend was there on AOL Instant Messenger when I asked her out through IM. It was the best and worst decision of my life.
The hardest thing is that we are expected the have a girlfriend that is also your soulmate in high school AND we're expected to screw around in university. Although for me, I just wanted to focus on my studies. She never believed me.
Going back, I would have either never dated or taken a year off before starting university. Not sure which. My oldest son will be 18 in 11 years.
As a teenager, I never really liked the idea of havin sex too early. Partly because of religious belief, but mostly was about that I always find others teens to be really immature towards that. Have a conversation with older people - someone older than 30 - and see how they saw that. *The vast majority of them didn't liked their first sexual relationship* , it ended up horrible, wasn't satisfying or they were just very pressure to do it. Some of them get pregnant early, others got emotional problems, others didn't knew how to manage their lives and a lot died unhappy cause they were preoccupied by what others might thought about them. I never wanted to rush things, of course as I'm a teen and hormones make me feel horny sometimes, yet I still can control that in a way. I think people like us make less than 5% of the total population. It's hard to find. Good to get wisdom from elders who have been through this and are willing to help us make it easier in life.
Thanks, Daniel, I really like your videos :)
sorry for my bad english >xD
Daniel we grew up in a different time. Alcohol, drugs and the “hookup culture” were pushed and promoted by schools, media and society in the 90’s, 00’s and early 10’s
they still are
And now there are apps to crank up the pressure even more!
Wow, you're bringing back memories I had completely forgotten -- the pressure to be involved with the opposite sex when, at the time, all I wanted to do was play and learn the guitar.
When I was younger, I felt desperate to find a girlfriend. I think deep down I was just hoping that they would be kinder to me than everyone else was, because of the stereotypes that they're more "emotional" and more "nurturing".
I also had the same messages about objectifying women. I resisted those messages for a short time in high school, but I also had absolutely no social skills to speak of whatsoever. So, I ended up being rejected by quite a few women which in hindsight wasn't a surprise at all but as a young teenager, it definitely hurt quite a lot, even when my only friend at the time seemed to form sexual relationships with any woman that he wanted to.
Eventually, I did start objectifying women because I started to become addicted to pornography. I'm not sure if I sought it out as a refuge for my fantasies or what exactly but in the end, it was sort of a band-aid in that I could fantasize about myself being attractive to all sorts of women. Obviously, pornography is unhealthy and I had to learn that the hard way after being addicted to it for nearly 15 years.
Nowadays, I do have a lovely girlfriend who does care for me a lot. I still struggle with sexual fantasies, but I don't watch pornography at all anymore, so I have to take a win where I can get one.
In the end, I would have told my younger self that women aren't refuges in themselves, and that you have to find a safe place for yourself. That was definitely a difficult thing for me as a teenager since my home life was also chaotic and abusive. I didn't really have a safe place to turn to as a younger child, so I could have turned out quite a bit worse than I have been.
Nice talk Daniel. I can relate a lot to what you said given that I'm a Western man who grew up in probably quite a similar culture and didn't lose my virginity until I was 20 (which was a source of deep shame for me as a teenage virgin in urban London). I feel that most young people in this day and age need the influence of people like yourself but unfortunately our Western culture is hellbent on feeding the youth with warped messages about all sorts of things from sex and relationships to the glorification of consumerism etc. And it's just as bad if not worse for women/girls because when you have a culture that breeds predatory men who learn to objectify women's bodies, the result is that women and girls will either feel constantly endangered if they are considered conventionally attractive, or feel worthless if they are not. And of course that feeds the beauty/cosmetics/fashion industries, so on and so forth. Down with the whole system I say :-)
Yes women who are average by society feel worthless. I am one such women and still getting therapy for it.
I always notice you chose your words carefully. What a masterpiece this one is !!
I''m 23 and i just got out of an extremely painful first relationship. I feel myself wanting to rush into another relationship to bury the painful feelings and of course have the chance to have sex again..... But i'm trying to take this advice to heart and focus my time instead on healing from my trauma and becoming a more satisfied person on my own before i try to be with someone again. Thanks Daniel, your videos always seem to help me get out of the societally pressured mindset and come from a place that's more comfortable with myself
I'm 20, and I just got out of an painful first relationship recently. How you doing today,? I've been trying to focus on the same things my man.
This is so great to hear! Sending you good vibes on your journey.
I just love your insight. I could listen to you 24/7. 🙂
I can relate. Thank you for speaking on this important subject. In high school, I lost friends because I didn’t have a boyfriend. My guy friend asked me a couple of times to date him. I refused. I did not get the impression that he was in love with me. I got the impression that he just wanted a girlfriend.
This is the healthiest"sex talk" I have ever heard. Thank you for sharing this 🙌
It's honestly not that different for women. A little more to hold back maybe, if you can "afford" to be picky. But our society is sexually screwed up for sure. I mean why does nobody talk about it as a normal thing...
I'd give myself the advice of, stop attempting to be a social-butterfly (every "party" is the fucking same) and follow your own pull. Start figuring out how to trust yourself.
You are for sure a amazing guy. Thanks for your video. You are an good example of a human being.
Your advice to your teenage self would be the same I would give to mine if I could do that. From a very young age I was indoctrinated in the "trying to get some" attitude toward women. It was just another form of competition for bragging rights. Girls were viewed as sex objects and at the same time if attractive, put way up on a pedestal. All of of this really fucked with my head when young. I didn't get this from my parents. This kind of thinking was just very pervasive in society. I would hope that we are evolving beyond these kind social mores.
l am 18 and l have this feeling that the people who have relationship are better than me but you clear something . Thank you Danil so much l really love your philosophy
السلام علیکم
Daniel Mackler! thank you! I've been waiting 55 years to hear a healthy "sex and relationship" talk. Our goal as humans is for connection. Unfortunately I sexualized intimacy, friendship and relationships...so I got uncomfortable in any normal interraction and thought there was a sexual undertone at even a hint of intimacy (real intimacy...not sexual energy, ie. transparency, humility, honesty, closeness). This misinformed ME was blocked from what I really needed..connection. I would go directly to act out the sex and of course end up more empty(or the 'perverse' feeling sexual toward a friend would make me shut down every feeling and disassociate). I knew of no other response b/c I had been objectified my whole childhood by narc parents and sexually preyed on by an uncle. I went "external" and acted out instead of going "internal" and knowing what my real needs were. Which now I'm learning to get in touch with my internal (having my own identity) my wants, needs and feelings, not preying on someone else. Being equals in a friendship, with no agenda or preconceived notion about what is supposed to happen in a relationship. When you were talking about not kissing for even a few months, my inner critic was already hearing about myself "Oh, he must be gay" and the old "if you haven't had sex by the 3rd date something is wrong with him" or for women " what's wrong with me, he hasn't even touched me and it's been 3 dates". So sad how the majority of us have stumbled through this blindly...looking for our self worth from external sources, seeking affirmation from others is insanity, and from our sexual performance?!! Good Lord what a mess. That affirmation should have come from nurturing and affirming parents in childhood guiding us to our hearts, but sadly it rarely happens like a fairytale and we act out our traumas until we learn it is not working. We have to become aware of the fractured child inside and reparent them. Jesus modeled this with his encounters with tortured ppl in the bible, he saw straight through to their hearts (listened to them..saw their spirit, the truth about them) and he wants us to get it, to snap out of the trance, to wake up to the truth about ourselves...that we are lovable without having to perform, God is not mad at us, we can quit being mad at ourselves, can let go of the hostility and fear and begin to let love enter. On the cross, Jesus said "forgive them father for they know not what they do"! "They" are us...trying to get our needs met by using others, objectifiying ourselves and others... power, division, hierarchy, comparison, manipulation, grandiosity, blame, shame, abuse. You name it, it all feels bad. The power is inside of us where God lives, the bible is God speaking to us, try to read it by drilling down to the loving message, if what you're reading feels condemning, ask God to help you with that and move forward, but don't stop seeking God, because there is no condemnation from God(that is from ourselves and man-invented..satan). God is Love. Just like healthy relationships, there must be vulnerablility, trust and willingness (you cannot control it), you cannot manipulate God!
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I know men who struggle years later with distrust from their now wives, who they manipulated into sex before marriage. Men and women are equal per-se, but I think men carry a heavier load when it comes to the initiation of sex. And yes, I've had women take the lead and be the aggressor. But just making the point that ppl can carry resentment for a LONG time for being manipulated into doing something they did not want to do, especially sexual. It's OK to say "I am sorry" and be specific. Thank God for forgiveness through Jesus ONCE FOR ALL action! We are all sinful (f'd up) and with God's grace we can move forward trusting His sovereignty and promise to all ppl who believe.
This is how I feel any time someone starts to become needy. I’m putting myself and my job first. I’d rather just be friends with someone because when things move too fast I get uncomfortable. I’d rather get to know the person first.
My parents never fought and my dad cheated on my mom. To this day my dad still lies about it it’s pretty sad. I’ve cut my parents off recently and they don’t bother talking to me. It’s so weird. I’ve pretty much stopped talking to everybody and stay to myself. I’m pretty comfortable with this life style. 🤷♀️
Thank you for publically sharing this message. I’ve had the same thoughts surrounding this subject & always desired a deep connection with my partner as another human & soul- nobody told me that. I just listen to my inner self. Unfortunately though, in today’s society, hook-up culture is very prevalent. As a woman, I’ve had extremely disappointing & painful experiences due to the men’s lack of emotional maturity & expectations of rushing into sex. I wish more people viewed each other as humans like you mentioned- it would be a better society.
I was bullied by other boys and men. Most of my friends have been women. Ive only ever had one relationship that became sexual. Did not pursue sexual relationships due to my trauma of being a CSA survivor and having a low sense of valu accompanied by a fear of allowing people to be in that vulnerable space with me. I do feel like so many good friendships i could have had were sabotaged by women who could not tolerate being just friends.
Daniel, We are the same age. 90s advice blasted us to have sex and obtain it, often.
We are cracking out of a shell or cocoon, an old way is falling off. We see that males and females are simply humans & they can be non-sexual friends --and that's awesome!
These days I'm just learning to finally love myself (as I should have been taught, but I was taught the opposite). Hearing political dudes tout that they don't enter rooms alone with women --and making new male 'friends' who eventually show they're thinking I'm trying to "hook up" with them when I'm seeking friendship; it's always about sexual intercourse? Not the friendship??
In 1993 I made a plutonic friendship with a guy that I thought was life-long strong. After a decade or so, he tells me he can't continue our friendship because his wife. I've never been sexually attracted to him and neither of us has ever made a move on the other. Such assumptions! Because his wife, lol. That was his answer. He's afraid and she's jealous. I'm out. That's fine, I don't want friends like that, anyway.
But it's sad. I don't want friends who are secretly trying to fronk me, always looking for a way to get in. I want true friendships and I don't like being seen as a "pussy," in our last president's terms, I apologize. But I'm not an object.
These days, I know I was choosing friends based off my skewed view of reality from my traumatic childhood home in my youth. I was choosing unhealthy people who didn't value others; I was choosing people like my parents.
Now I'm healing & I'm more picky. I'm not overlooking red flags, anymore. I'm looking for real people with real feelings they're not really afraid to show.
You give me hope that there are people like me out there. Thank you Daniel. Your sober, hard-earned advice can be helpful for all people.
Wow. Talk about the other side of the spectrum! My parents never encouraged my sisters & I to have boyfriends. In fact, they seem to discourage it, especially my mom. 😂 And while their relationship wasn’t ideal, (my dad had a bad temper at times), I don’t really recall any huge arguments between them. I resented them when I was a naive teenager but now I look back and feel pretty grateful that they cared enough, in their own way, to love and protect us. They are both gone now. I married in my early 40s and am pretty happy. Our 10th year anniversary is this November.
These are very good points. There was not much wisdom around me either, growing up, in these areas. Not from teachers, parents, family, or peers. It was like a jungle where things would just happen. Sometimes my emotions would guide me, but many times I behaved in ways I very much regret. I think a lot of it stems from loneliness, emptiness, a lack of purpose, direction, and sense of belonging. If something was intense, physically or emotionally, you would feel like something is going on, that you're engaging with the world. That you're not aimless. But no, it was all pretty aimless. So many wasted years and sour connections, some of which should never have happened, some of which were hurtful, in some of which I hurt people who didn't deserve to be hurt. In this respect society is broken. Some people have the wisdom not to fumble like that but for the most part we were surrounded by people who didn't have a clue (and neither did we). There was no guidance, no safe space, no wisdom and no respect. Yes, I can very much relate.
Great video, I too have shifted in the way I view connecting with others. I had a therapist once explain to me the difference between "using someone as a vehicle for sex" and "using sex as a vehicle for connection" and i appreciated the distinction. I'm not sure i agree with equating abstinence to "purity" as that term is riddled with judgment but I can appreciate the spirit of that idea. Thank you for sharing this.
Nice one! A person can have lots of sex and still have a kind heart and beautiful soul!
how wonderful to listen to your honest thoughts on this topic. If only there existed more men like you! :)
We wouldn't have population problem that's for sure
Bill Kane and a lot less narcissistic humans causing pain & destruction to the earth.
I wish someone gave me this advice a long time ago. It's even valid for women. I will send this to my sons.
If you want to have a grounded, equitable relationship essentially depends on you: can you make compromises and sacrifices for another, not so you get anything in return, but in order to simply selflessly give of yourself to a trusted partner? The most significant reward of a mutually fulfilling relationship is having a trustworthy partner who not only validates and respects you but offers you a nonjudgmental hand in this remarkable journey we call life.
I just don't know why anyone is anti grief. Love allows! Love allows! Love allows! that's what parents should teach their kids...
Such wisdom here...
Thank you for posting this
You`re so insightful, Daniel! Thank you for your thoughts
I love so many of your videos, but this has to be one of my favourites. I resonated with all of it. Thank you.
3 min into the video and already LOOOVING it
Thanks Daniel the information your putting out is so great for for young people to hear.
I have really taken heart from watching your journey progress over the years. It's very inspiring. Thank you for sharing!
Great video Daniel! Thanks for sharing this. This is very helpfull.
Daniel, I love what you are saying here! Thank you for your unconventional point of view. Purity.
while i was listening to all Daniel's advices i just started crying because Damiel said them with such kindness, patience and love.
Good video dan. Its hard to start viewing people as equals with regards to agency when the denial of such is where you come from.
Well done!!! - honest, open, to the point, with love and care to oneself!!! Brilliant talk!!! Thanks a lot! Teachers, parents listen and heed every word!
I always appreciate you so much for being so open, Daniel.
Great video Daniel, very illuminating.
Dan, thanks for sharing this. I had the same problems. And the relationship difficulty is partly from my sexually abused experience. And what makes your channel valuable in CZcams compare to many analysis-oriented content is your FRANKNESS and honest. The reason I guess why you become that honest is: You never have that important mirror in your early life (me too), and take the audience’s eyes as the missing mirror. (Hope you don’t feel this observation as a critic. Because I myself do the same thing in my social media account of sharing many important personal and frank or private feelings. I need that mirroring and the understanding. ) and wish you have more courage to share more,
Thank you for making this video ♥️
Again dude this advice speaks directly to my internal aching and gives a healing light to it, thank-you to this video.
Precious advice!! Keep on doing this Daniel. You are a beacon of light in these times
Thank you I needed to hear this today
As a 23 year old man, I would like to learn and apply these lessons now, as opposed to later in life.. I feel like I totally resonated with this whole video. I've been listening to this often lately its been helpful to me.. Thank you.
I think of you as someone who is very similar to me but 30 years older. I too was bullied a lot by life and have parents that hated each other but stayed together with their trama. And I too am struggling with my dating life. This video is very personal to me I thank you for that.
Daniel, thank you for having worked on yourself, for having used your insight to change you into this mature man. If all men would understand this, they would be great friends, fathers, brothers, boyfriends, great examples, leaders and protectors. I wish the same for women - I wish they would learn to wait, not to see themselves as objects only valued for their looks. Thank you for this inspiration Daniel, God bless you! :)
Such a great video, thank you for sharing Daniel! I feel the same way about it. I did not want to date in highschool, just did not get what people were doing. I love being single now and when guys approach me with the desire to date me I tell them that I just want to be friends. I understand they feel sexual desire, but I can't go there until I know somebody first/have an emotional connection. If "dating" means "hooking up", it's just not my thing. I have great female friends and some really wonderful guy friends, and I also have been loving getting to know myself/my needs and desires better.
Hi Daniel, I wanted to share an interesting observation I had which I would be interested in your input on. At the very beginning of the video you said “dealing with women” and this phrase immediately perturbed me. It was striking to me that someone beginning on the topic of romance would use the term “dealing with women”. I tried to imagine myself, a lesbian woman, wanting to talk about romance and saying “dealing with women”. I would never say it. I don’t know a single lesbian who would on some level feel women are something to “deal” with. I’m not suggesting overt misogyny I’m actually more interested in the nuanced, underlying ways men may be taught to feel about women that would influence their entire romantic interaction with women. I haven’t watched to the end so I will do so now.
Don’t be so triggered by everything and trying to be the language and social police. It’s really you projecting your issues
@@Sketch_Sesh Hi! In my comment, I don't seem to have said I was triggered or that I desired Daniel to change his language. I was adding an insightful observation which speaks to the way in which romantic relationships are experienced by men and women in this society. I think part of observing society and yourself and others is adding insights on your observations in a measured and analytical way. Language is a powerful tool, and reveals much about how we experience life. :)
Hi Samara - I went back and listened to the beginning of the video and I agree with what you said - and I like your thought experiment about imagining a lesbian saying such a thing. I guess all I have to say in my own defense (or in defense of the video) is that in preparing to make this video I partly put myself back in my mindset of thirty-some years ago, and my language reflects that time in my life, and the struggles I was going through. Women were presented to me as a sort of prize/adversary/object, and my feelings about women in general were laced with hope and fear and sadness and terror and alienation and fantasy - and I find this sad. Thank you for commenting. Daniel
I find the double standards incredible. Women and the media can make all kinds of disparaging and demeaning remarks about men, generalizations, stereotypes and nobody bats an eye. Daniel says “dealing with women” and he’s put under a microscope for closet misogyny lol
@@Sketch_Sesh doesn't sound like a projection to me...language is powerful. I do love Daniel's videos and am a massive fan of his. The work "deal" leapt out at me too. I'm sure it wasn't meant in a strange way in the slightest, and can be sometimes thrown around as a habitual kind of word - perhaps culture-bound - however I wasn't a fan whether when I saw/heard it.
You’re very thoughtful and it’s very much appreciated….I will share this video as I know it can help so many… while the pain of the metamorphosistic teen years is inevitable, these reflections can relieve some suffering I’m sure.
Hi! I rarely comment on videos but now i felt the urge to. Thank you for the content you created so far and for what's to come, you've helped me a lot and to my surprise almost instantly felt a sense of release listening to you. Keep up the good work and I thank you deeply again for sharing your experience so sincerely.
Thanks for letting me know! Wishing you the best, Daniel
The only message I could give my teenage self 15 years ago is to not repeat my parents mistake of not giving myself attention. If I had given myself the attention necessary I probably would not be attracted to older man.
This video hits a spot, you really articulated an internal wound of mine into words. The video provided a permission slip to heal. Seriously, this topic has been immense suffering as a male for so long I thought no light would exist and I'm alone carrying this internal burden until it kills me with heartache and stress.
Wishing you the best! Daniel
Hey Daniel, I know you only speak on things you have knowledge on/ have thought out extensively, but I would really love a video specifically on how past to deal with past abuse/trauma impeding romantic and sexual expression. I worry that all of my sexual preferences/ taste in men is somehow a result of my past abuse, which makes my feelings invalid or messed up. I've even started to question my sexual orientation, but I don't know if it is legitimate or if it is because I have been "damaged."
I have a problem with being attracted to older men, which I know is wrong for many reasons (I'm a minor), and I'm starting to just feel like my sexuality is screwed up. I don't know which feelings are right or wrong.
I know you didn't ask me but I think you're on to something there. I have an unhealthy attraction to much older women that I believe is tied to emotions with my mother and my desire to make her feel comfortable about herself.
Going through the pain of what your abusers did to you will help you rid yourself of sexual triggers that aren't in your real nature. Abuse can gum up the mechanics of your sexuality. In many ways, we are like zombies, walking around with heavy weights on our shoulders, not knowing who we are really. Hopefully, Daniel will see your comment!
Or maybe not, you have to define your own sexuality, if you are attracted to older men, that's your taste.... so long as you're not a child and you're above legal age it's ok, you are your own master about whom you like to have sex with.... don't let society screw your orientation.....
The devil vs an angel type comments in these replies. But you’re completely right, don’t listen to people telling you it’s liberating to express these things or empowering to wanna feel humiliated in the bedroom or have all these “kinks” there’s always a root and NO you’re not the “master of your sexuality” because like all people, it’s almost always altered by some trauma or deep feelings of shame/trauma/ unhealthy submissiveness/unhealthy dominance
This is really good!!
Thanks for your wisdom. Going forward I can be a little more comfortable talking to women with less of some hidden agenda to get something out of them and instead be more focused on their person - this will make me feel more relaxed and comfortable because I won’t feel pressured to take things to some romantic level. I don’t want to hurt others or myself so I am figuring out what relationships I want to have with people including women - and it’s nice to hear that my relationships with women can be friendly instead of agenda based. Whenever I see an attractive women my male brain considers that possibility of something romantic which can increase the pressure I feel when speaking but so long as I treat everyone with general respect then it becomes easier to talk to everyone nicely whether they are attractive women or not.
This is one of your best videos.
As someone who didn't receive this advice, thank you. I have had so many wonderful amazing women in my life with whom I kinda messed things up by getting sexual too quickly, and as a result pulling away from them because I wasn't ready for that level of intimacy. Thank you. its much appreciated. I am still 28 so there's hope!
It's astonish8nh to hear someone talk about purity and integrity in relation to sex these days. Thank you.
Sound like you'd make a great stoic philosopher
100%.
this is terrific. thank you.
Im a woman only been with 4 men sexually with I was still a Virgin. Still unmarried at 32. I hope it’s not too late. I really regret me being naive and thinking these men loved me.
💜
Been looking at people as human beings for decades.. got some interesting looks/comments along the way as folks were concentrating so intensely on woman/man =)
Speaking heart to heart automatically does that, at least for me.
This video is really helpfull, thank you!!
True badass! You're winning at this life bro! :)
Haha! You made me crack up saying “not saying there isn’t some energy there” when talking about female friendships !!! Lol !!! It is within us.
As a 38 year-old virgin, I wouldn’t give your exact advice, but I’d moderate it. When you’re 38 and you’ve never had a relationship, you look back at your life and wonder what you could have done better. It might be that there was just nobody who I would have matched with. But then it’s like, what am I striving and working hard for then? Yes, I’m grateful that I’ve dodged bullets like STDs and unintended pregnancies, but at the same time, I’m halfway through my life and I feel as though I may have missed out on some truly joyful experiences as well.
Rory work out and get out there
Willkott Well, it’s not an issue of not working out. Currently, a lot of it is I don’t have time I want to invest in dating because I’ve been in law school. Before, it was an issue of not having enough finances to be a suitable partner for what I’d want. But... my prediction is that I’m not going to find or be attracted to people my age or have much respect for people significantly younger than me.
You're so rare, how amazing you are Daniel.
This is great advice man
This is so interesting to me because i didn’t know men felt pressured to “have a girlfriend”. I thought society mainly pressured them to have many sexual partners
Thank You Daniel. food for the soul. When can we hear more yodeling ? ;)
Thank you for this video
Needed this video
Thank you for this i experienced the same things and i am a woman... I think this is just growing up
My wife recently asked me what advice I'd give to my grandsons who recently had birthdays at ages 18 and 21. I said I'd advise them to avoid smoking , drinking, gambling and chasing women ...let them chase you. Your heartfelt advice to yourself as a youth is invaluable.
100%, ah those good old days when we knew nothing (Jon Snow)...I realised, like u mentioned in other videos, being single offers a chance to re-connect deeper with one's authentic self.
Our society/social media's propaganda isn't helpful, the "relationships" portrayed is over-rating and biased.
Great advice for young people.
Hello,
Any advice on how to break free from family? (I know Daniel has a video on breaking free from family) but I was wondering if I could get some advice on breaking from them to mature and grow as a person. Im in my 20s and Im currently a college student and I'm ready to move away from them. Although I am scared to move(another state) I'm healing from codependency,narcissism and scapegoating.I KNOW this is best for me.
Please go see Lisa A Romano she has a channel here on CZcams and many books and that on audible to help you do exactly this. I had the same issue and it helped me tremendously. And with steps that are easy to follow and you can go at your own pace. Even though we know it's horrible it's a painful process to get away from. I hope this helps and remember you're not alone. 🌺💜
K T hey!! I’m in the same position. Uni student, 22 and I’m moving out of my house to get away from my bdp/narc mother. Please watch Kris godinez videos, shes helped me tremendously to understand and get the courage and advice to leave. Good luck xx
Daniel actually has a book called "Breaking from your Parents" and it could be exactly what you need right now. I bought it a couple of months ago since I have been in this process of breaking from them since I moved out at 17 and wanted some advice as well from someone who experienced breaking from their parents as well. I absolutely recommend it! It feels good to read it and feel understood and encouraged in your beliefs about breaking from your parents and evolving and healing as a person, and also a lot of really good advice, You are not alone! I'm 22 by the way and also a college student. I can imagine how scary it must be to actually move away from them, thats what they want us to feel. But if you know, you know and it is the right thing to do, to fight for your right to heal. I wish you a lot of strength! You got this.
@@KT-gl6fe Yes, she's a great resource. Was the first reference I worked with as an ACON (Adult Child Of Narcissists) and began to understand what it meant.
@@Mawi331 If you feel they are sabatoging your attempts at growth and still abusing and not respecting boundaries, HEY...no foul, get the hell outta there and you have God's full cooperation, many stories in the bible tell about ppl leaving their land or families to get away into new territory where they can 'hear' God's voice...hear the purpose He has for their lives, discover your God given gifts. If you are in bondage, you are a slave to them. Don't stay tied to them in shame and guilt trying to fix them and the fairytale relationship you "wish" for. I kept going back apologising for years until about age 50, killing myself psychologically until I almost imploded and realized, hey! this is not working and I cannot change them!! >>Not talking about your wife and kids...if you have a family, you commit your ass to growth and loving them and not inflicting the abuse you learned from your parents on them, I'm talking about getting away from your abusive parents, and keep them away from your children if you so desire!!!
Feeling lucky to be able to watch it.
Agreed. Great talk.
Brilliant video fella. My first genuine REAL girlfriend was a true Sagittarius Earth Angel when I was in my mid teens. We were really good friends first, so we had a strong foundation there to build from.
I know that she's the first person I actually loved way more than I'd ever loved myself. She was such a bloody cool and deeply rich person, someone whom I'd always love, enjoy being around, and look up to because of her strength and nobility.
As brief as it was, I proper lived the dream with her 🥰
The advice I'd give to anyone else is in two parts...
First, be good friends to begin with, and make sure you have plenty of meaningful common interests, ones that you can talk about for ages and be enveloped in a discussion of ideas and thoughts with them, instead of bickering about events or other people like petty muppets because you have f*ck all in else to talk about. usually if the reason for being together is status, or the illusion of monetary security, that always leads to disaster...
"Small minds talk about other people. Mediocre minds go on about events. Great minds discuss interesting ideas" that's even sweeter when you're doing the latter with good company 😊
Secondly, when I was a lot younger, there were many insecurities bouncing about inside my immature mind later down the line, which caused an absolute betrayal towards my past love. And like Arthur Schopenhauer said "A person who betrays trust once loses it forever".
If you ever have any stupid insecurities that make you freak out, self sabotage, or bitter even, just try your hardest to find simple words to discuss them with the other person.
More than likely, they'll do their utmost to find a way to help you if they genuinely love you. I know my past love would have, so would my parents. But I couldn't put into words all the stupid things that were constantly looming, which no teen should even be thinking about at such an age.
It felt sort of like that nightmare scenario of when you try screaming for help but no sound comes out.
I self sabotaged and ruined everything. Don't do what I did FFS. "There's wisdom in learning from other peoples' mistakes aswell as your own" 👍😉
I feel this a lot.
Through my encounters with love and romance I learned how deep my issues would really go.
Once you have someone on your team, you really understand, that it's difficult to be in your team. And vice versa.
@@vau_st The right person can uncover any insecurities and weaknesses you have. They can push you in a good way to grow. My past self was too mentally infantile to deal with it, so I lost the best thing that ever happened to me, and that includes comparing her to being born.
As I said, avoid doing what I did as best you can. Just talk, and you'll likely be able to sort things out...
Thank you so much!
I wached this years ago and still rings true if not more
Great video, Daniel!
I’m 18 almost 19. Going through college with “hook-up” culture and all this. Its good to know that maybe I am on the right path.
I think the best thing here is to develop yourself. That's truth.
Wow this hits close to home
Thanks Daniel.
Beautiful. Thank you. ✌🏽💐💚
very clear speaking style good for esol. lots of repetition thanks
YESSS. As someone who is conventionally attractive, men don't want to be just friends with me. They always want something sexual. Like, why is it so difficult for males and females to be just friends?? I want them to see me as a fucking human being with feelings and emotions, not a sex object. No one wants to get to know me on an emotional level. They only see my physical appearance. It's a very lonely life. I hope many young men watch this video and take your advice. Thank you, Daniel.