They do though, every parent has an innate feeling of care towards their child. At the same time, they realize they don't have full control over their child. If things go bad, you have to accept defeat. It's not that they don't care, they do and they forever will. The ability for a parent to disconnect is evolutionary. For a long time throughout human history, children didn't always live long lives for various reasons.
You’re right. It takes honest self assessment to admit one isn’t actually all that loving to their kids, but many unhealthy parents have too fragile egos to do that.
"So yeah, I broke away from my family. But in a way, long before that, they broke away from me! They broke away from who I really was; by treating me like an object; by not loving me" Yeah, man. You can't turn away from what isn't there.
Exactly. I would do anything... to be accepted by my parents. Even now, when I am 51. But... they have no capacity for love. This jar (the parent's love jar) is empty. This is why it pisses them off... When you ask for love and (real) attention they go: we gave you everything, what more do you want?!? They gave us 'everything they had' indeed... soooo sad. My constant thought when I was a child: this people ought never have children.
It's not about saying to love somebody unconditionally, that doesn't make them feel the love. If you love somebody unconditionally you don't need to tell them, they feels it anyways.
its very stressful growing up feeling like nobody is on your side, to have to earn every token of attention, to stand alone helplessly in an overwhelming world. I doubt the parents know what it means to truly love. It is a tragedy really, for everyone in that family.
Is it all a tragedy? It teaches you to be a parent to yourself and then maybe some day you will open up and love yourself unconditionally. (Ok, first it teaches you how to drag attention to yourself in all the worst possible ways.)
I don't really understand why people are so mean to their children - even if you have your own issues, a child is a vulnerable being in need of care. And it's a good feeling to see a vulnerable soul trusting that you truly will take care of them, and hear who they are and give them space to be themselves, and to be a growing person. Having said that, 95% of what I see parents doing to their children, I disagree with. I really don't get why people have them when they really don't want to take care of them, and totally lack the skills to do so and haven't bothered to learn how to take care of a child.
This is very important stuff. I resonated with everything you said completely. The way I've put it is that parents have a rather flexible definition of love, which renders it meaningless. They don't realize, for example, that love should include not trying to control and shape their child into something that he's not.
accepting someone completely different from ourselves is really hard, they are people first than parents and children being in such a vulnerable situation and having need for love can't say no. we must understand and forgive them for being so afraid of someone different of something unknown, they only new what they could and teach and praise us when we were at the "right path" "the better one" that was illuminated with the experiences of their life.
I understand,and i DON'T forgive.They were responsible for taking care of me,and if they weren't ready,they shouldn't have decided to bring children till they healed their own wounds.My responsibility is to heal,and part of that process is to accept the pain,the anger,and if forgiveness will come it's gonna be as a result of my healing process and not as an obligation or better said as an accepted belief in our society.
@@mmo2087 all important things in life are difficult; now it's how we approach a difficult task says a lot about us as people: with humility at the very least. Not admitting our failures also says A LOT about us as people... Not all parents are bad... Some are just much better people.
You had a narcissistic father, like I did. It's painful to realize that he did not love me, he only loved the narcissistic supply he got from me. He's dead now, I don't miss him at all. Narcissists do not love, let alone unconditionally. My father was a hateful, cruel, self centered person who did great harm to me. He inflicted the harm, I pay the price. Not fair.
My father was an alcoholic narcissist. Although I adored and worshipped him it’s not surprising as a child he never told me once he loved me or was proud of me. My 9 year old self: “Hey Dad, I came second in my class.” “Why didn’t you come first? My 11 year old self: “Hey Dad, what does a camshaft do in an engine?” “You mean to tell me you don’t know?!” I still struggle with unconditional self love fifty years later. Karma got my father when I was 13, but he made me an over achiever who is smarter, more accomplished and real than he ever could have been. I made certain to never abandon my own son for a moment - I know how excruciating that is. Thanks for your talk Daniel. I’m now a subscriber.
My father told me that I was throwing away unconditional love and acceptance from them (because I refused to be around them) and at the same time he was blaming me for for having PTSD. The irony!
My parents demonstrate accepting me ONLY when I was doing as they liked me to be. Acceptance is not love. And when they were loving in a physical way (caress, healthcare, dressing, etc) they were trying to fill their own needs. That´s abuse, NOT love.
Saying that you are who you actually aren't is much easier than trying really hard to be(come) who you declare that you are. I've heard many parents say, for instance, that they would do ANYTHING for their child. Except this, and that, and also that, and all those other things.... "I would do anything for my child... except getting up an hour earlier to drive them to a new school because it's inconvenient for me. And I can't miss the game tonight. And I want to go out on Friday...." Usually they don't say it that way but that's the reality of the situation-they don't want to and simply won't do it. Sounds more like, "I would do some things for my child... maybe... if it's not too inconvenient... BUT I LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY." It's a very conditional type of "unconditional love," and it's very common. -Darius
All the way through the first 7 minutes of your talk, I was saying to myself “the cognitive dissonance we experienced as kids was SO traumatic!” and then you go and say the same! It really set me up to think that when a person says “I love you” it is proof that they do, regardless of how they treated me. I had some terrible intimate relationships (platonic and romantic) as a result. When I realised that I didn’t love myself (unconditionally or otherwise!), I committed to keeping away from romantic love, until I really felt that I could love and nurture myself. It was too triggering and I kept attracting those who would harm me in the same way my parents and family did. That was over a decade ago and I’m still (very happily) “on my own”. And will probably be so for the rest of my life. I know I’ve hurt others too - hurt people, hurt people! At the end of the day, love is love. The unconditional aspect remains to be seen... whether humans can be truly (TRULY!!!) capable of it? I’m not sold. We’re all too imbedded within a society that values “doing” over “being”. I have cats and I love them with all of my heart. I waited until I was well on the road to healing myself before I adopted them. I accept them for who they are. They are not my “cuddle muffins” or a substitute for human children. They are my companions but I don’t neeeeeed them. I wanted to give them a good home and a place where they can be who. they. are. I doubt if I could ever achieve this level of love with another human as I’m still learning to love myself - most humans on this planet are still playing out their traumatic childhoods, expecting someone “out there” to love them... even still trying to gain love from parents and a family who will never love them! Breaking away was the hardest and best decision I have ever made. It’s so great to have comrades across the planet who have done the same... thanks Daniel! 😀
i agree me to. took long time to love ME for me alone without rushing into relationships where i was mistreated there too/. Ive been on my own for last 15 years and very content. Right man just hasnt came along yet but im a lot more BALANCED as a soul now as i really got to know and love myself and dont need love from anyone else.
Your experience resonates a lot with mine, yet my main trauma had an unexpectedly different resolution. I met someone who was loving enough that helped me heal myself. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but it kinda happen. I had a needy model of relationships at home, which made me expect some attitudes from my significant other. Then something amazing happened: my current partner didn't react to that model, he wasn't trying to meet those expectations, he held healthy boundaries. At first, that bothered me a lot, but after a while, it really liberated me from my old self. Right now I don't feel I need him, I decide to share a part of my life with him. This switching of perspectives changed my relationships forever, not only the romantic ones. If someday we decide to separate, I'd still very grateful for that.
Yes, even cats and animals are abused to get „unconditional love“. They can not be with them and except what the animals does. They always have to project and say things to it as if they bond with the animal in a very strange way as a substitude to real human connection.
Ps- and parents can’t say “I’m a great parent!” that’s like someone saying to their boss “I’ll do my own appraisals thanks!” Haha it’s extraordinary how people lie!
It’s interesting when you are a kid, you think to yourself: “What is wrong with me? I must be a bad person because of what my parents are doing.” Then when you are an adult you really start to see that no, it’s your insecure and abusive parents that had the problem.
Parents take their children’s love for granted. Unconditional love in humans is a very rare thing indeed and IF one does love unconditionally it isn’t necessary to verbalise it it’s evident without words. Actions speak louder than words.
I broke sway from my family too. And move thousands miles away. the best thing I have ever done in my life ! It is sad that it took a long time to finally really city them off once for all. Zero contact . When they cross my mind I just say to myself.they don't love me . They are just liars and manipulators !
I'm proud of you boy. You address absurd problems, and help the helpless. Be happy about it, I'm a total narcissistic astronomical genius and honestly do not respect 99.9% of people.
Amazing videos! Each time I watch one, I'm in awe at how parallel our experiences are. You are spot on: it is all too common.. Everything you articulate is so well said. Thank you so much for sharing and being open.
Yes, it also parallels my experiences. Apparently this is very common. Many of us were born into a very unconscious and traumatised culture and family. It is up to us, isn't it, to not carry on with this unconscious wave, to not pass on this trauma to others. We can become conscious and heal and live in a more loving aware world..
Me too. Apparently this is very very common.. To be born into a very traumatised unconscious environment.. Hopefully this generational madness (that has been with society for a very long time) stops with us..
I'm amazed by your description. My parents never told me they loved me ...because their behavior told me so all the time. And it wasn't about what I did or didn't do, or what I was or wasn't. It was. Eternal. Everywhere. Respectful. Simple. Without emotional blackmail. Never. Not a single one. I didn't realize at all that it wasn't like that in other families. Today, as an adult, I meet many people who tell me things like what you say and this violence completely amazes me and terrifies me.
Yes Daniel when I dropped the dissociative phase I experienced incredible rage and betrayal and went into nonstop research, prayer and healing. I went no contact just like you 20 years ago. I do not accept toxic abusive ppl of any degree in my life period. You are the MOST AUTHENTIC PERSON THAT I’VE EVER MET. I’m watching and downloading ALL OF UR VIDS DANIEL.
Yeah. I've had a very similar experience with my BPD mom. She hyperidealizes me and tells me I'm "the best mother in the world," and it hurts because that's not love. I feel like she's just talking to the version of me in her head, not the real me. Am I a good enough mother? Probably. Am I perfect? Good gods, no! But I later realized it's not even about me or how good a mom I am. She uses the same script in every phone call that she wants me to parrot back to her. She's trying to get me to tell HER she's the best mother in the world, and I can't do it because I won't lie. And I learned the hard way not to discuss what she actually did to me as a child. Hoo lordy. She'll never be emotionally mature enough to handle that. It sucks having to be the adult in a relationship with your own parent when you really needed them all along to be that role for you. And I also realized this year that my family broke away from me long before I broke from them. My mother never calls me, I have to call her, my BPD sister discarded me 8 years ago and won't speak to me, and my brother has always been too busy with his own life to spend any significant time talking to me or taking an interest in my life even though he claims he does, and it's been that way ever since I was 8 (he's much older than I am.) I desperately wanted my brother's love, support, and approval when I was younger and not only did I hardly ever get it, he'd turn things around and blame me for, say, not calling enough when actually my sister and I were always the ones initiating phone calls. He never called us. My dad is the only one I still have a good relationship with, but even he's much more distant now. My mom and siblings walked away from me and who I was decades before I realized it. I felt so naive to have been trying to have relationships with the people I thought they were, not the people they actually were, but now that I realize it, I'm in a much better place personally. I have a much better relationship with myself and people I'm close to now that I've let go of the illusion of needing relationships with my family of origin. I mean...on some level I'll always want that. Of course I will. But my life is much happier and calmer since I realized all this and walked away. I can have compassion for them from afar. But that's as far as it's gonna go.
To some degree you remind me of Mr. Rogers! That is high praise!!! And although Mr. Rogers wasn't quite as focused on himself as you are, nonetheless, I see a gentleness in you and a thoughtfulness and a kindness in you much like the late great Fred! Keep looking inward and letting it flow outward!!! It's landing. I hope that you really truly achieve forgiveness for yourself and can one day truly feel good and positive about who you are and what you have become and what you have done. Your videos are a gift and clearly you are touching people! Your parents would do very well to learn a little something from their very insightful and sensitive son!!!!
definitely being like mr. rogers is cool! quite a compliment. however, i have a friend about whom i made 3 little films and i think he's more like mr. rogers than i am -- and ironically his name is fred! here's one: czcams.com/video/swbfqRusg34/video.html
Fred Rogers still helps me: Saw a fb quote recently how his mother told him to "look for the helpers" to ease his stress over hearing about disasters. This helps me through hearing about all the recent news tragedies.
There is no such thing, all love is attachment and all attachment is based on conditions of some kind. People love each other because of certain looks, personality, DNA, religion etc, those are the conditions. Better call it constructive love as opposed to destructive love.
Right on target when you talk about your father unconsciously taking out his past on you, and painting a rosy picture of how he treated you, my situation too. It is incredible how honest and on target you are about reality. It's like you are a god from another place that has come to set mankind straight. I just hope people start listening to you! Thank you for your honesty and clarity! Chris.
It hits you really deep when you stop repainting people and see the look of them disliking you when you always believed what they felt was love. There was something there, though, that we stuff down, and that's the truth, and when we let the truth shine, it's hard to take but it's also liberating.
@meloearth - Same! I remember having to move away for university from my (what I know now as narcissistic) parents. When I met them after a few years, I remember telling my boyfriend at the time how small my dad looked. In all honesty, whenever I would undergo bouts of limerence with men, I would somehow perceive them to be physically much bigger but when the effect wore off, I would realize "he's not as tall as I thought". It's true that our subconscious paints a perception about people we pedestalize. I've had therapy ever since, but one of the last conversations I had with my dad just some years ago, during a facetime conversation, we had a disagreement and he did a classic smirk. Except this time I saw it for what it was -- it was the mask slipping and I could see the face underneath for what it stood for -- disdain and contempt at what I was saying. It was rattling to see, beause in my younger years, he always had that behavior but because I had so much cognitive dissonance around my parents' actions, it was "mispainted" to mean mild disagreement or playful dismissal. But now I could see it for what it actually was, and with it I saw that he never had any respect for me. He was always listening only to respond, never to understand. It was this insight that helped me go no contact with them (and have been for 2 and some years now). The truth DOES hurt, but oddly enough it leaves a strange peace behind (the liberation that you speak of). It's this peace that somehow makes the pain of truth easier to bear, simply because we know it's the authentic truth of our experience that we have finally now realized for ourselves.
Thanks for bringing up this template for undonditional love firstly towards yourself. That is helpful. As to parents what I observed it is just compulsive reaction to being confronted. Its like "you have spanked me mom", "oh no, i love you undonditionally"(which translates to - "you are not correct with your perception, you are wrong, believe me, dont hurt me by saying those things, love me and dont bring this up"). Which is kind of manipulative and vicious thing to do, can f**k with your head if you dont have independence or support.
When you said hey I’m not the one who is rejecting my father, he disassociated from me as a child by not accepting me . (Not a direct quote ). Very insightful stuff.
I like it when you say you were questioned for rejecting them, when the truth was they were the ones who initiaited the original rejection. Same with my abusive uncle who use to curse at me, The ones trying to control the narrative accuse me of rejecting him in recent years, and the truth was he rejected me for decades.
Acting unconsciously, dissociating is like being drunk. I never drank alcohol, but I dissociated a lot, constantly even as a 3 yr old. That was a defense mechanism for survival, so i could cope with their absolute negligence and abhorrent abuse. I felt unsafe with my own mother since I was 1 yr old. 11:47. Spot on. 14:55. Spot on.
I think I’m experiencing the opposite at times ... as a parent and one that is on a path of healing ... I approach my children with realities of their childhood. Realities of my neglect my anger and my many shortcomings. I apologize, I’m truly sorry and very guilty for not always hearing them, for pushing them away ... for not knowing or acknowledging they were hurting or needing me. Interestingly, they are in denial- oh mom, it’s fine is basic response. They don’t want to discuss At all. And I almost have felt selfish for trying to go back and clarify Or take responsibility because they’re not ready. Selfish because I need this healing. Not acceptance or pity but I want them to be healthy and aware, so the cycle stops. Thanks for this awareness.
I think that bonding, for example between a mother and new born baby represents the closest unconditional expression of love. Despite sleepless nights, dealing with crying and demands for attention the bond strengthens. Unconditional love is more than a choice its a deep connection.
Thank you for sharing Daniel, My story is similar. Only I remember, when my mom said she loved me unconditionally, I always wondered what that word meant. So I knew I didn't understand that. And also for my mom to explain her other inconsequent behaviours was that she loved us all in our own special way. That I really didn't like at all! What you tell about confronting the parent was the same over here. She agreed that there were some mistakes, but everybody makes mistakes in their lives and so did she.. end of conversation. But it still didn't matter what her mistakes did with me an how it effects my life let alone for her to learn from her mistakes.. And she got really angry if I wanted to talk about my side of the story. (my mom passed away 11 years ago) As a kid I got angry when life wasn't fair for me, even though there were no good results for me as a child I did it anyway. Maybe that's why I don't cary to much anger as an adult. I think the only people whom you should love unconditionally are yourself and (when you have them) your kids.. all the rest of the people you should love conditionally on how they treat you.. there are no garanties in life.
Sometimes a person can love the person and not like their actions. If a parent can make the distinction between the two, they will come across as more honest to the child. Of course this takes awareness. I believe very few people have the capacity to have unconditional love. So many of us have personal preferences and get the ego involved. Animals seems to be the ones who love unconditionally IMO.
It’s such a long process for everyone to realize how they being mistreated as a child, and realize they being justified these experiences as normal ... For a longtime I’m exhausting myself physically every time I’m going out, never drink eat or take a break. Always exhausting afterwards but don’t know why I act like that. Until a piece of memory came back from when I was around 5. At a family outing day, my father refused to let us eat at any restaurants simply cause he doesn’t satisfied with the price. After asked price of several restaurants, he just stormed out left me and my mom stand in the street, starving ....That’s the last time 3 of our family ever going out together...because my mom can’t get him compromise on even the slightest thing, even that’s means his 5 year old kid is starving. By the way he still thinks he is a good father, brag about how he can remember how I was like as a baby. Although he never mentioned that’s almost all his memory of me. Now when I’m going out, I just do whatever I need. Buy a bottle of water, have a snack, take 5min to rest now and then. It’s not even suppose to be a problem to fulfill physical need when one’s needed, but it took me a while to learn how to not ignore the signal.
A major problem with dysfunctional and often narcissistic parents is that they are living in a vacuum. They often have no friends, at least np healthy ones, and often no extended family, or if so, also dysfunctional so they have no point of reference. The only thing they know is what they have seen and experienced. Parenting needs to be taught in school before people become parents.
You're coming through very clear. This is very eye opening, it's like I already know what you're telling me but I never heard it. It resonates very well with me and I think there is alot of truth to what you're saying. You're really untangling a very complex issue quite elegantly. I learned something here!
My Mom had no recollection of what she did to us either. My father I never got to confront about his violence, he was very passive/aggressive so his kind of meanness snuck up on ya.... I had an anxiety attack during a math test in college so bad (from him - he was always obsessed with my math grades) I passed out. I had to do that light box therapy method to over come the fear of being thrown around or beaten if I got a bad test grade.
I had a similar situation with my father growing up. It is very painful and confusing especially as a child. Even into adulthood trying to pick up the broken pieces, heal, and get to truly know yourself is quite the process.
My family exhibited similar things. The process of realizing this was painful and freeing. It freed me to know that it wasn't me that they hated or disliked or was disappointing. It was they they were disappointed or hated or disliked themselves. Painful to experience and confusing to experience as a child but at least it wasnt me. Now I am in the stage of learning to love unconditionally. Learning to love myself unconditionally, others, and my parents unconditionally as well.
Love, when authentic, is very difficult to define... because it is a composite of many aspects and qualities. To preface it with "unconditional" is redundant. When it's present... you know it. Not by words but by actions that support one's sheer value of being. That's essentially it. The paradox is, in each relationship where love is present...as one falls short and fails the other with a lack of love... this power of love arises in the other and holds it together in balance. Without the power of love, our species would have already gone extinct.
What a wonderful video! Thanks for sharing your personal experience and explaining clearly the process of analyzing your childhood. It has helped to understand my past.
The three videos I've seen from you are so insightful and seem so honest and authentic. Props to you man for staying true to yourself. This is the stuff that I'm dealing with too but with not only my dad but like a lot of people. I started testing to see if people actually loved me when I didn't act how I knew they wanted me to act, and my list of friends went from a lot to like almost none. Did you really break away 100% from your family? Like what if a sibling was getting married or their was like a funeral or something? Like what do you do man??? I would much appreciate your advice as you seem to have a lot of wisdom
Daniel, like I mentioned in a previous comment on your video about breaking away from your parents anymore (for 6 years), I have no contact with my parents as well. @ around min.12:00 you talk about that your father still thinks he loves you unconditionally and sees the past in rosy colours, and blames for the disconnection you etc .... as far as I know my father sees it the same and that I am unappreciative, ungrateful etc .... so, also him, he is totally in denial about the true reasons why I chose to disconnect (for me it was a kind of act of survival). ... you know what, I meanwhile think they HAVE to be in denial in order to not go crazy about what happened. Because of their own trauma (plus in the case of my father his NPD narcissistic personality disorder) they are absolutely unable to confront themselves with what they did and said as they are unable to confront with themselves ... we must face this. Now we see their regressivness, their arrested development, their limited possibilities, their emotional immaturity ... and we somehow have to find a way to forgive them ... I still can't and I wonder if I ever can, but at least I can see my father now for who he really is and this frees me from his horrible judgements and verdicts about me ... I am definetely not what he tried to tell me I am: a nothing. In fact that was just a mirroring of his own true identity and the reason why he had develloped NPD. .... I really think if they would not go into denial they would go crazy. ... thanks for sharing all your thoughts, it is a great support.
Katja, saaaaame here. My narc father... can't come throught to him. He is still hanging with my (covert narc) ex-husband. As I told him (and my mum) that this is hurting me and I am going very limited contact with them he replied: I see you you have a crisis - get well soon. 😂😂 It's sad. They will never 'see' the truth. This would kill them. This is why they live behind self-delusion screen their whole life. They can't see... can't even see themselves nir their children. I suppose they live in 'survival mode'. I am glad that now I know better. I am not 'a nobody, a nothing'. The narc YT videos (any my 12 step support net) saved my sight, my life, and my children's well-being. Thank you Higher Power. ❤️✌️
I am also on this path, thank you for sharing this personal story and articulating it in such a insightful way. It brings me clarity in understanding and sharing my story as well.
Daniel, thank you so much for this video. Really gave me a lot to think about. I hope you and your father are able to mutually work things out, I hope that's not too forward to say. I really appreciate your videos.
I’m so grateful for your sharing what was so negative in your young life ... in order to provide so many of us the opportunities for a more positive and more abundant future ... which comes with understanding what jerks some of our parents were. Thank you for sorting it all out ... so that we don’t have to and can move right on to the happy futures we deserve. And if and when we should ever become parents we will know better and do better.
Thank you for sharing your story. We can't love anyone unconditionally until we accept and love ourselves just as we are. Knowing that we all have positive and negative attributes, we will not judge ourselves and others and let life unfold by respecting all without judgment. Yin and Yang. The very best to all. Peace, Shalom, Namaste
"The People of the Lie, An Analysis of Human Evil" by M. Scott Peck is an excellent look at soul-damaging evil narcissists. "A Boy Called It" also comes to mind.
Hi Daniel, thanks for sharing this video, I find this very relatable because I have similar experience, raised in an Asian family, parents are not mentally mature. It was really hard for me to nail down that my parents couldn’t love me unconditionally due to their own trauma, because I really hope that they did. Even worse when they are incapable to face the truth of what really happened, or accept how I felt. I’m grieving and still trying to digest everything by my own, but I suspect that if we wish to be free and heal completely, it is to maybe forgive our parents. Forgiving them so we can forgive ourselves...
I figured out that forgiveness without their remorse plus them respecting your boundaries is just another way of "saving your parents" - you will again put their needs first. It can very easily turn into self-betrayal.
I enjoy your topics and insights. They help me to better articulate those intuitions that I have yet to put into a more coherent form. What I have come to realize over the past nearly 7 decades on this little blue sphere is that all of it is true- our parents, our grandparents, our teachers and friends, and just about any other we are close to, whether in extended periods of life or short/brief encounters we are all loved unconditionally. We are loved unconditionally in succulent moments that give us an opportunity to recognize and to be recognized as our most precious parts. I believe When we say “I love you unconditionally” we aren’t saying I’ll always love you without flaws. What we mean is something more like, “you make me feel more willing to love or be open without any need for my general way of living, caring, feeling about and relating with another” in other words, “you free me” I have personally come to realize just recently, in a world of incongruity and impermanence it may well be irrational to hold on to the childhood belief that anyone should have or could ever love us in a constant or consistently unconditional way across our entire life span or relationship with them. That expectation would imply that we are looking for a “perfect” person to relate with. I don’t believe that is realistic or healthy for our inner development or for any other’s well being. I’m coming to see that it’s perfectly okay that we have known the full range of loving and rejection. The nuances of all of it help us to thrive and help us know better how to eventually navigate this world without needing anyone else to “love” us or approve of us in order to feel and know that we are valid, relevant, loved - and that in fact, we are (and all living beings) are Love (the full range of it- as the Ancient Greek philosophy measures it)
ego syntonic versus ego dystonic parenting. With conditional love you are praised when you do something syntonic for the parent, blamed when dystonic, which is really this splitting between idealisation and devaluation.
Im sorry you went through that. Me too except i felt totally unloved in actions and parents wouldn't even talk to me at all. Stil they want nothing to do with me. They each have a FAVOURITE child out the 5. The others are ignored.I never heard i love you. I was such a quiet child always somewhere in a corner or under a tree reading books. It turned into horrendous physical abuse in end up in my teens and at 16 almost being strangled by my father. I managed to judo throw him off before i passed out and i ran away. Never looked back. He poisoned my entiire extended family against me telling them lies. I left for over a decade to a foreign country when i came back after 30 yrs of having little to no contact with extended family. I visit and heard aggressive nasty comments from extended aunts on both sides about how bad i was. The lies my father told for me running away when the abuse was hidden. The lies my dad told to cover up his abuse and continued it for 30 yrs later still perpetuating the lies. Telling some family members living far away from him that he only had 3 children and not 4. Some dont know i exist. Its a terrible tragic thing to be treated so badly for children my heart shes for all those that arent loved. I turned to therapist and books to understand myself and then to soul purpose, metaphysical, meditation and why we are here to learn what. Does affect your self confidence as a child and even into adulthood. My confidence was horrendous even into my twenties it took becoming a prison cop in a death max to finally finding my feet my confidence and start really exploring myself. I feel like im finally healed. Took mid forties to finally feel whole. It messed up my sisters 4 very damaged adults that bad childhood. I turned to counseling to truly understand the mind and then to books. My sister didnt. Every one has ended up in a controlling abusive relationship and only one stayed married. I think there should be true pyche classes for people planning on becoming parents for free. In end up so many end up doing script drugs as adults, illegal drugs, alcohol to self soathe. e have to change the way we are doing it in our cultures i think we should be educating kids even in high school about whats balanced and normal as a parent. Otherwise all your doing is passing on the bad parenting you learned unless you educate yourself out of it. I studied child development for 2 yrs as well. I wanted to ensure all my kids needs would be met as i became a parent.
My mom always said the same thing, yet even as a very small child, I knew she didn’t really know what she was saying. She’s since shunned me, as she’s in a cult. However, she would have found a way to abandon me one way or another, with or without her faux religion. I tell my sons this, and I mean it, and I live it. Our oldest, who is now 17, has had many moments where I was able to show him unconditional love. I went back in even though internally I was hurt and wanted to protect myself. Our twins, who are 9, ask specific ways in which I would unconditionally love them. It’s become a sort of game for us that always ends in ridiculous scenarios and laughs. I will give them what I didn’t have. No matter what.
wow thank you for sharing! I am impressed by your progress maybe you can extend that unconditional love also to the roots of your trauma someday, and show your dad a better way.
@Daniel Mackler. Daniel watching ur vids are so affirming for me and you give me an actual real peace to my core. God bless you Daniel. Great point too our parents left us from the beginning so we left them in order to experience our true self that was so beaten down by them. Love ❤️ u Daniel.
I think parents love the idea of loving their children unconditionally more than they actually can or do love their children.
They do though, every parent has an innate feeling of care towards their child. At the same time, they realize they don't have full control over their child. If things go bad, you have to accept defeat. It's not that they don't care, they do and they forever will. The ability for a parent to disconnect is evolutionary. For a long time throughout human history, children didn't always live long lives for various reasons.
You’re right. It takes honest self assessment to admit one isn’t actually all that loving to their kids, but many unhealthy parents have too fragile egos to do that.
"So yeah, I broke away from my family. But in a way, long before that, they broke away from me! They broke away from who I really was; by treating me like an object; by not loving me"
Yeah, man. You can't turn away from what isn't there.
Exactly.
I would do anything... to be accepted by my parents. Even now, when I am 51. But... they have no capacity for love. This jar (the parent's love jar) is empty. This is why it pisses them off... When you ask for love and (real) attention they go: we gave you everything, what more do you want?!?
They gave us 'everything they had' indeed... soooo sad.
My constant thought when I was a child: this people ought never have children.
The only unconditional love I have found on this earth came from a cat.
It must have been a dog :) cats never love unconditionally :D
Yes...cats love this way. ❤️🐈
I love my cat unconditionally, and he could care less. 😍
It’s bares repeating, I never knew God was what I needed , until God was all I had. God defines Love as Himself.
Love others as you love yourself.......... means you have to love yourself first.
It's not about saying to love somebody unconditionally, that doesn't make them feel the love. If you love somebody unconditionally you don't need to tell them, they feels it anyways.
its very stressful growing up feeling like nobody is on your side, to have to earn every token of attention, to stand alone helplessly in an overwhelming world. I doubt the parents know what it means to truly love. It is a tragedy really, for everyone in that family.
so true.
Yes, and apparently this is extremely common. So many of us were born into this traumatised unconscious environment. Hopefully it stops with us..
Is it all a tragedy? It teaches you to be a parent to yourself and then maybe some day you will open up and love yourself unconditionally. (Ok, first it teaches you how to drag attention to yourself in all the worst possible ways.)
... like nobody is on your side. Exactly.
so well put
I don't really understand why people are so mean to their children - even if you have your own issues, a child is a vulnerable being in need of care. And it's a good feeling to see a vulnerable soul trusting that you truly will take care of them, and hear who they are and give them space to be themselves, and to be a growing person.
Having said that, 95% of what I see parents doing to their children, I disagree with. I really don't get why people have them when they really don't want to take care of them, and totally lack the skills to do so and haven't bothered to learn how to take care of a child.
This is very important stuff. I resonated with everything you said completely. The way I've put it is that parents have a rather flexible definition of love, which renders it meaningless. They don't realize, for example, that love should include not trying to control and shape their child into something that he's not.
thanks, and i agree.
accepting someone completely different from ourselves is really hard, they are people first than parents and children being in such a vulnerable situation and having need for love can't say no. we must understand and forgive them for being so afraid of someone different of something unknown, they only new what they could and teach and praise us when we were at the "right path" "the better one" that was illuminated with the experiences of their life.
I understand,and i DON'T forgive.They were responsible for taking care of me,and if they weren't ready,they shouldn't have decided to bring children till they healed their own wounds.My responsibility is to heal,and part of that process is to accept the pain,the anger,and if forgiveness will come it's gonna be as a result of my healing process and not as an obligation or better said as an accepted belief in our society.
@@mmo2087 all important things in life are difficult; now it's how we approach a difficult task says a lot about us as people: with humility at the very least. Not admitting our failures also says A LOT about us as people... Not all parents are bad... Some are just much better people.
Dude, trust me. It happens to a lot of guys and trust me, it happened to me a lot in my life as well.
You had a narcissistic father, like I did. It's painful to realize that he did not love me, he only loved the narcissistic supply he got from me. He's dead now, I don't miss him at all. Narcissists do not love, let alone unconditionally. My father was a hateful, cruel, self centered person who did great harm to me. He inflicted the harm, I pay the price. Not fair.
Your openness,honesty and vulnerability is so powerful and healing. Lots of love to you Daniel!!
My father was an alcoholic narcissist. Although I adored and worshipped him it’s not surprising as a child he never told me once he loved me or was proud of me. My 9 year old self: “Hey Dad, I came second in my class.” “Why didn’t you come first? My 11 year old self: “Hey Dad, what does a camshaft do in an engine?” “You mean to tell me you don’t know?!”
I still struggle with unconditional self love fifty years later. Karma got my father when I was 13, but he made me an over achiever who is smarter, more accomplished and real than he ever could have been. I made certain to never abandon my own son for a moment - I know how excruciating that is. Thanks for your talk Daniel. I’m now a subscriber.
Lindsay, same here. Barc, alcoholic, gave me the same answers, comments. I used to buffle me, thinking I am 'wrong'.
🤗
My father told me that I was throwing away unconditional love and acceptance from them (because I refused to be around them) and at the same time he was blaming me for for having PTSD. The irony!
I’m in the process of watching all your videos and it’s better than any therapy I’ve attempted. Thank you for existing and sharing it with the world.
My parents demonstrate accepting me ONLY when I was doing as they liked me to be. Acceptance is not love.
And when they were loving in a physical way (caress, healthcare, dressing, etc) they were trying to fill their own needs. That´s abuse, NOT love.
Saying that you are who you actually aren't is much easier than trying really hard to be(come) who you declare that you are.
I've heard many parents say, for instance, that they would do ANYTHING for their child. Except this, and that, and also that, and all those other things.... "I would do anything for my child... except getting up an hour earlier to drive them to a new school because it's inconvenient for me. And I can't miss the game tonight. And I want to go out on Friday...." Usually they don't say it that way but that's the reality of the situation-they don't want to and simply won't do it. Sounds more like, "I would do some things for my child... maybe... if it's not too inconvenient... BUT I LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY." It's a very conditional type of "unconditional love," and it's very common.
-Darius
Well said!
All the way through the first 7 minutes of your talk, I was saying to myself “the cognitive dissonance we experienced as kids was SO traumatic!” and then you go and say the same! It really set me up to think that when a person says “I love you” it is proof that they do, regardless of how they treated me. I had some terrible intimate relationships (platonic and romantic) as a result. When I realised that I didn’t love myself (unconditionally or otherwise!), I committed to keeping away from romantic love, until I really felt that I could love and nurture myself. It was too triggering and I kept attracting those who would harm me in the same way my parents and family did. That was over a decade ago and I’m still (very happily) “on my own”. And will probably be so for the rest of my life. I know I’ve hurt others too - hurt people, hurt people! At the end of the day, love is love. The unconditional aspect remains to be seen... whether humans can be truly (TRULY!!!) capable of it? I’m not sold. We’re all too imbedded within a society that values “doing” over “being”. I have cats and I love them with all of my heart. I waited until I was well on the road to healing myself before I adopted them. I accept them for who they are. They are not my “cuddle muffins” or a substitute for human children. They are my companions but I don’t neeeeeed them. I wanted to give them a good home and a place where they can be who. they. are. I doubt if I could ever achieve this level of love with another human as I’m still learning to love myself - most humans on this planet are still playing out their traumatic childhoods, expecting someone “out there” to love them... even still trying to gain love from parents and a family who will never love them! Breaking away was the hardest and best decision I have ever made. It’s so great to have comrades across the planet who have done the same... thanks Daniel! 😀
i agree me to. took long time to love ME for me alone without rushing into relationships where i was mistreated there too/. Ive been on my own for last 15 years and very content. Right man just hasnt came along yet but im a lot more BALANCED as a soul now as i really got to know and love myself and dont need love from anyone else.
Your experience resonates a lot with mine, yet my main trauma had an unexpectedly different resolution. I met someone who was loving enough that helped me heal myself. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but it kinda happen. I had a needy model of relationships at home, which made me expect some attitudes from my significant other. Then something amazing happened: my current partner didn't react to that model, he wasn't trying to meet those expectations, he held healthy boundaries. At first, that bothered me a lot, but after a while, it really liberated me from my old self. Right now I don't feel I need him, I decide to share a part of my life with him. This switching of perspectives changed my relationships forever, not only the romantic ones. If someday we decide to separate, I'd still very grateful for that.
Dan_GD I’m glad someone shared the next step in healing, with another.
Yes, even cats and animals are abused to get „unconditional love“.
They can not be with them and except what the animals does. They always have to project and say things to it as if they bond with the animal in a very strange way as a substitude to real human connection.
I think worse than hatred or indifference is fake love.
Correct, because it is deliberate deception.
Ps- and parents can’t say “I’m a great parent!” that’s like someone saying to their boss “I’ll do my own appraisals thanks!” Haha it’s extraordinary how people lie!
haha, so true.
WOW(!)...a Psychiatric professional that ACTUALLY GETS IT(!)...UNBELIEVABLE(!)...
It’s interesting when you are a kid, you think to yourself: “What is wrong with me? I must be a bad person because of what my parents are doing.” Then when you are an adult you really start to see that no, it’s your insecure and abusive parents that had the problem.
It’s unreal how clear and helpful your videos are. Congrats on all the work you’ve done with yourself and others.
I appreciate your vulnerability in exploring all of these topics.
Parents take their children’s love for granted. Unconditional love in humans is a very rare thing indeed and IF one does love unconditionally it isn’t necessary to verbalise it it’s evident without words. Actions speak louder than words.
I broke sway from my family too. And move thousands miles away. the best thing I have ever done in my life ! It is sad that it took a long time to finally really city them off once for all. Zero contact . When they cross my mind I just say to myself.they don't love me . They are just liars and manipulators !
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I'm proud of you boy. You address absurd problems, and help the helpless. Be happy about it, I'm a total narcissistic astronomical genius and honestly do not respect 99.9% of people.
Amazing videos! Each time I watch one, I'm in awe at how parallel our experiences are. You are spot on: it is all too common.. Everything you articulate is so well said. Thank you so much for sharing and being open.
Yes, it also parallels my experiences. Apparently this is very common. Many of us were born into a very unconscious and traumatised culture and family. It is up to us, isn't it, to not carry on with this unconscious wave, to not pass on this trauma to others. We can become conscious and heal and live in a more loving aware world..
I can relate to every exact word you say in this video. Thank you so much for sharing this
Me too. Apparently this is very very common.. To be born into a very traumatised unconscious environment.. Hopefully this generational madness (that has been with society for a very long time) stops with us..
I'm amazed by your description.
My parents never told me they loved me ...because their behavior told me so all the time. And it wasn't about what I did or didn't do, or what I was or wasn't. It was. Eternal. Everywhere. Respectful. Simple. Without emotional blackmail. Never. Not a single one. I didn't realize at all that it wasn't like that in other families.
Today, as an adult, I meet many people who tell me things like what you say and this violence completely amazes me and terrifies me.
I'm so glad to read someone who actually has had this kind of parents. Nobody I know seems to have had that. Gives me hope
Yes Daniel when I dropped the dissociative phase I experienced incredible rage and betrayal and went into nonstop research, prayer and healing. I went no contact just like you 20 years ago. I do not accept toxic abusive ppl of any degree in my life period. You are the MOST AUTHENTIC PERSON THAT I’VE EVER MET. I’m watching and downloading ALL OF UR VIDS DANIEL.
Yeah. I've had a very similar experience with my BPD mom. She hyperidealizes me and tells me I'm "the best mother in the world," and it hurts because that's not love. I feel like she's just talking to the version of me in her head, not the real me. Am I a good enough mother? Probably. Am I perfect? Good gods, no! But I later realized it's not even about me or how good a mom I am. She uses the same script in every phone call that she wants me to parrot back to her. She's trying to get me to tell HER she's the best mother in the world, and I can't do it because I won't lie. And I learned the hard way not to discuss what she actually did to me as a child. Hoo lordy. She'll never be emotionally mature enough to handle that. It sucks having to be the adult in a relationship with your own parent when you really needed them all along to be that role for you.
And I also realized this year that my family broke away from me long before I broke from them. My mother never calls me, I have to call her, my BPD sister discarded me 8 years ago and won't speak to me, and my brother has always been too busy with his own life to spend any significant time talking to me or taking an interest in my life even though he claims he does, and it's been that way ever since I was 8 (he's much older than I am.) I desperately wanted my brother's love, support, and approval when I was younger and not only did I hardly ever get it, he'd turn things around and blame me for, say, not calling enough when actually my sister and I were always the ones initiating phone calls. He never called us. My dad is the only one I still have a good relationship with, but even he's much more distant now. My mom and siblings walked away from me and who I was decades before I realized it. I felt so naive to have been trying to have relationships with the people I thought they were, not the people they actually were, but now that I realize it, I'm in a much better place personally. I have a much better relationship with myself and people I'm close to now that I've let go of the illusion of needing relationships with my family of origin. I mean...on some level I'll always want that. Of course I will. But my life is much happier and calmer since I realized all this and walked away. I can have compassion for them from afar. But that's as far as it's gonna go.
To some degree you remind me of Mr. Rogers!
That is high praise!!!
And although Mr. Rogers wasn't quite as focused on himself as you are, nonetheless, I see a gentleness in you and a thoughtfulness and a kindness in you much like the late great Fred!
Keep looking inward and letting it flow outward!!!
It's landing.
I hope that you really truly achieve forgiveness for yourself and can one day truly feel good and positive about who you are and what you have become and what you have done. Your videos are a gift and clearly you are touching people!
Your parents would do very well to learn a little something from their very insightful and sensitive son!!!!
definitely being like mr. rogers is cool! quite a compliment. however, i have a friend about whom i made 3 little films and i think he's more like mr. rogers than i am -- and ironically his name is fred! here's one: czcams.com/video/swbfqRusg34/video.html
Fred Rogers still helps me: Saw a fb quote recently how his mother told him to "look for the helpers" to ease his stress over hearing about disasters. This helps me through hearing about all the recent news tragedies.
There is no such thing, all love is attachment and all attachment is based on conditions of some kind. People love each other because of certain looks, personality, DNA, religion etc, those are the conditions. Better call it constructive love as opposed to destructive love.
That’s how I feel ... idk what to do when there’s no one to talk to no one cares or listens. I’m so glad I found your channel 😊😊
My mother says this too. She loves me unconditionally, all while telling anyone who will listen, lies about me.
Right on target when you talk about your father unconsciously taking out his past on you, and painting a rosy picture of how he treated you, my situation too. It is incredible how honest and on target you are about reality. It's like you are a god from another place that has come to set mankind straight. I just hope people start listening to you! Thank you for your honesty and clarity! Chris.
It hits you really deep when you stop repainting people and see the look of them disliking you when you always believed what they felt was love. There was something there, though, that we stuff down, and that's the truth, and when we let the truth shine, it's hard to take but it's also liberating.
@meloearth - Same! I remember having to move away for university from my (what I know now as narcissistic) parents. When I met them after a few years, I remember telling my boyfriend at the time how small my dad looked. In all honesty, whenever I would undergo bouts of limerence with men, I would somehow perceive them to be physically much bigger but when the effect wore off, I would realize "he's not as tall as I thought". It's true that our subconscious paints a perception about people we pedestalize.
I've had therapy ever since, but one of the last conversations I had with my dad just some years ago, during a facetime conversation, we had a disagreement and he did a classic smirk. Except this time I saw it for what it was -- it was the mask slipping and I could see the face underneath for what it stood for -- disdain and contempt at what I was saying. It was rattling to see, beause in my younger years, he always had that behavior but because I had so much cognitive dissonance around my parents' actions, it was "mispainted" to mean mild disagreement or playful dismissal. But now I could see it for what it actually was, and with it I saw that he never had any respect for me. He was always listening only to respond, never to understand. It was this insight that helped me go no contact with them (and have been for 2 and some years now).
The truth DOES hurt, but oddly enough it leaves a strange peace behind (the liberation that you speak of). It's this peace that somehow makes the pain of truth easier to bear, simply because we know it's the authentic truth of our experience that we have finally now realized for ourselves.
@@PreYeah Very well said and insightful! Good for you!
Wish I could go on a date with him. So few men have this much emotional intelligence.
Thanks for bringing up this template for undonditional love firstly towards yourself. That is helpful.
As to parents what I observed it is just compulsive reaction to being confronted. Its like "you have spanked me mom", "oh no, i love you undonditionally"(which translates to - "you are not correct with your perception, you are wrong, believe me, dont hurt me by saying those things, love me and dont bring this up"). Which is kind of manipulative and vicious thing to do, can f**k with your head if you dont have independence or support.
When you said hey I’m not the one who is rejecting my father, he disassociated from me as a child by not accepting me . (Not a direct quote ). Very insightful stuff.
Thank you for articulating these ideas so very well.
I like it when you say you were questioned for rejecting them, when the truth was they were the ones who initiaited the original rejection. Same with my abusive uncle who use to curse at me, The ones trying to control the narrative accuse me of rejecting him in recent years, and the truth was he rejected me for decades.
Acting unconsciously, dissociating is like being drunk. I never drank alcohol, but I dissociated a lot, constantly even as a 3 yr old.
That was a defense mechanism for survival, so i could cope with their absolute negligence and abhorrent abuse. I felt unsafe with my own mother since I was 1 yr old.
11:47. Spot on. 14:55. Spot on.
I think I’m experiencing the opposite at times ... as a parent and one that is on a path of healing ... I approach my children with realities of their childhood.
Realities of my neglect my anger and my many shortcomings.
I apologize, I’m truly sorry and very guilty for not always hearing them, for pushing them away ... for not knowing or acknowledging they were hurting or needing me.
Interestingly, they are in denial- oh mom, it’s fine is basic response. They don’t want to discuss At all. And I almost have felt selfish for trying to go back and clarify Or take responsibility because they’re not ready.
Selfish because I need this healing. Not acceptance or pity but I want them to be healthy and aware, so the cycle stops.
Thanks for this awareness.
I think that bonding, for example between a mother and new born baby represents the closest unconditional expression of love. Despite sleepless nights, dealing with crying and demands for attention the bond strengthens. Unconditional love is more than a choice its a deep connection.
Oh man, I wish a psychologist have talked this way to me about himself. I would have trust him a thousand times more. Thank you for sharing.
Exactly my point: we are not the ones braking away, our parents did that years ago.
Thank you for sharing Daniel, My story is similar. Only I remember, when my mom said she loved me unconditionally, I always wondered what that word meant. So I knew I didn't understand that. And also for my mom to explain her other inconsequent behaviours was that she loved us all in our own special way.
That I really didn't like at all!
What you tell about confronting the parent was the same over here. She agreed that there were some mistakes, but everybody makes mistakes in their lives and so did she.. end of conversation. But it still didn't matter what her mistakes did with me an how it effects my life let alone for her to learn from her mistakes..
And she got really angry if I wanted to talk about my side of the story. (my mom passed away 11 years ago)
As a kid I got angry when life wasn't fair for me, even though there were no good results for me as a child I did it anyway. Maybe that's why I don't cary to much anger as an adult.
I think the only people whom you should love unconditionally are yourself and (when you have them) your kids.. all the rest of the people you should love conditionally on how they treat you.. there are no garanties in life.
so true.
Civilization breeds expectations that cannot be met, you will never break from your parents because society is your parents
Sometimes a person can love the person and not like their actions. If a parent can make the distinction between the two, they will come across as more honest to the child. Of course this takes awareness. I believe very few people have the capacity to have unconditional love. So many of us have personal preferences and get the ego involved. Animals seems to be the ones who love unconditionally IMO.
If everyone on this earth thought as honestly and as deeply as you do, it would without doubt already be a paradise. Thank you and God bless.
Same here! My parents loved me when I pleased them, or when I did what THEY wanted.
wow, you're such a good communicator. so much meaning conveyed. thank you.
It’s such a long process for everyone to realize how they being mistreated as a child, and realize they being justified these experiences as normal ...
For a longtime I’m exhausting myself physically every time I’m going out, never drink eat or take a break. Always exhausting afterwards but don’t know why I act like that. Until a piece of memory came back from when I was around 5. At a family outing day, my father refused to let us eat at any restaurants simply cause he doesn’t satisfied with the price. After asked price of several restaurants, he just stormed out left me and my mom stand in the street, starving ....That’s the last time 3 of our family ever going out together...because my mom can’t get him compromise on even the slightest thing, even that’s means his 5 year old kid is starving.
By the way he still thinks he is a good father, brag about how he can remember how I was like as a baby. Although he never mentioned that’s almost all his memory of me.
Now when I’m going out, I just do whatever I need. Buy a bottle of water, have a snack, take 5min to rest now and then. It’s not even suppose to be a problem to fulfill physical need when one’s needed, but it took me a while to learn how to not ignore the signal.
I can't believe how spot on, articulate and honest you are. And also how I think on exactjy the same lines.
A major problem with dysfunctional and often narcissistic parents is that they are living in a vacuum. They often have no friends, at least np healthy ones, and often no extended family, or if so, also dysfunctional so they have no point of reference. The only thing they know is what they have seen and experienced. Parenting needs to be taught in school before people become parents.
You're coming through very clear. This is very eye opening, it's like I already know what you're telling me but I never heard it. It resonates very well with me and I think there is alot of truth to what you're saying. You're really untangling a very complex issue quite elegantly. I learned something here!
I was conscious since very little. I was understanding what they weren't doing "right" psychologically and behaviorally.
My Mom had no recollection of what she did to us either. My father I never got to confront about his violence, he was very passive/aggressive so his kind of meanness snuck up on ya.... I had an anxiety attack during a math test in college so bad (from him - he was always obsessed with my math grades) I passed out. I had to do that light box therapy method to over come the fear of being thrown around or beaten if I got a bad test grade.
I had a similar situation with my father growing up. It is very painful and confusing especially as a child. Even into adulthood trying to pick up the broken pieces, heal, and get to truly know yourself is quite the process.
Thank you so much for sharing this! What a huge gift.
Unconditional love is extremely rare... but many who have taken ayahuasca have reported experiencing it. Many YT videos on this.
Thank you for this one!!❤
My family exhibited similar things. The process of realizing this was painful and freeing. It freed me to know that it wasn't me that they hated or disliked or was disappointing. It was they they were disappointed or hated or disliked themselves. Painful to experience and confusing to experience as a child but at least it wasnt me. Now I am in the stage of learning to love unconditionally. Learning to love myself unconditionally, others, and my parents unconditionally as well.
wow man, so happy to find these videos...
This one really hits home, thanks for sharing your insights
I'm glad I've come across your channel and video. I've dealt with my toxic parents in my early years, and I find this helpful. thank you.
Daniel I respect you and thank you for making these videos and documentaries!!
So grateful for you sharing this. Thank you!
This was such a great video!!!
Love, when authentic, is very difficult to define... because it is a composite of many aspects and qualities. To preface it with "unconditional" is redundant. When it's present... you know it. Not by words but by actions that support one's sheer value of being. That's essentially it. The paradox is, in each relationship where love is present...as one falls short and fails the other with a lack of love... this power of love arises in the other and holds it together in balance. Without the power of love, our species would have already gone extinct.
Wow! This is a very honest admission and very courageous of you to do. I totally get it. Thank you for sharing!
What a wonderful video! Thanks for sharing your personal experience and explaining clearly the process of analyzing your childhood. It has helped to understand my past.
hahaha, your whole channel is a somewhat self-healing 'channel':D .It is helpful to others, though, too! So good one! Thank you!!
The three videos I've seen from you are so insightful and seem so honest and authentic. Props to you man for staying true to yourself. This is the stuff that I'm dealing with too but with not only my dad but like a lot of people. I started testing to see if people actually loved me when I didn't act how I knew they wanted me to act, and my list of friends went from a lot to like almost none.
Did you really break away 100% from your family? Like what if a sibling was getting married or their was like a funeral or something? Like what do you do man???
I would much appreciate your advice as you seem to have a lot of wisdom
Love watching your videos before bed time.
I resonate so much with this and with you. I love it.
Daniel, like I mentioned in a previous comment on your video about breaking away from your parents anymore (for 6 years), I have no contact with my parents as well. @ around min.12:00 you talk about that your father still thinks he loves you unconditionally and sees the past in rosy colours, and blames for the disconnection you etc .... as far as I know my father sees it the same and that I am unappreciative, ungrateful etc .... so, also him, he is totally in denial about the true reasons why I chose to disconnect (for me it was a kind of act of survival). ... you know what, I meanwhile think they HAVE to be in denial in order to not go crazy about what happened. Because of their own trauma (plus in the case of my father his NPD narcissistic personality disorder) they are absolutely unable to confront themselves with what they did and said as they are unable to confront with themselves ... we must face this. Now we see their regressivness, their arrested development, their limited possibilities, their emotional immaturity ... and we somehow have to find a way to forgive them ... I still can't and I wonder if I ever can, but at least I can see my father now for who he really is and this frees me from his horrible judgements and verdicts about me ... I am definetely not what he tried to tell me I am: a nothing. In fact that was just a mirroring of his own true identity and the reason why he had develloped NPD. .... I really think if they would not go into denial they would go crazy. ... thanks for sharing all your thoughts, it is a great support.
Katja, saaaaame here. My narc father... can't come throught to him. He is still hanging with my (covert narc) ex-husband. As I told him (and my mum) that this is hurting me and I am going very limited contact with them he replied: I see you you have a crisis - get well soon. 😂😂 It's sad. They will never 'see' the truth. This would kill them. This is why they live behind self-delusion screen their whole life. They can't see... can't even see themselves nir their children. I suppose they live in 'survival mode'.
I am glad that now I know better. I am not 'a nobody, a nothing'. The narc YT videos (any my 12 step support net) saved my sight, my life, and my children's well-being. Thank you Higher Power. ❤️✌️
You are so real! Love it! So refreshing! You speak your mind and my mind and so many others’, I’m certain!
Powerful message thank you for enlightening me!
I am also on this path, thank you for sharing this personal story and articulating it in such a insightful way. It brings me clarity in understanding and sharing my story as well.
Daniel, thank you so much for this video. Really gave me a lot to think about. I hope you and your father are able to mutually work things out, I hope that's not too forward to say. I really appreciate your videos.
this is so so good! so much to learn!
Excellent Video Daniel. very insightful and informative. Thank you. I will apply the knowledge to my own personal reparenting journey.
I’m so grateful for your sharing what was so negative in your young life ... in order to provide so many of us the opportunities for a more positive and more abundant future ... which comes with understanding what jerks some of our parents were.
Thank you for sorting it all out ... so that we don’t have to and can move right on to the happy futures we deserve.
And if and when we should ever become parents we will know better and do better.
Thank you for sharing your story. We can't love anyone unconditionally until we accept and love ourselves just as we are. Knowing that we all have positive and negative attributes, we will not judge ourselves and others and let life unfold by respecting all without judgment. Yin and Yang. The very best to all. Peace, Shalom, Namaste
"The People of the Lie, An Analysis of Human Evil" by M. Scott Peck is an excellent look at soul-damaging evil narcissists.
"A Boy Called It" also comes to mind.
This is so sad. I hope you have healed from this pain.
Listening to your story triggered sadness in myself and realising that the same happened to me.
Hi Daniel, thanks for sharing this video, I find this very relatable because I have similar experience, raised in an Asian family, parents are not mentally mature. It was really hard for me to nail down that my parents couldn’t love me unconditionally due to their own trauma, because I really hope that they did. Even worse when they are incapable to face the truth of what really happened, or accept how I felt. I’m grieving and still trying to digest everything by my own, but I suspect that if we wish to be free and heal completely, it is to maybe forgive our parents. Forgiving them so we can forgive ourselves...
I figured out that forgiveness without their remorse plus them respecting your boundaries is just another way of "saving your parents" - you will again put their needs first. It can very easily turn into self-betrayal.
You are trully a beautiful soul❤️ Greetings from Serbia🍀
I enjoy your topics and insights. They help me to better articulate those intuitions that I have yet to put into a more coherent form.
What I have come to realize over the past nearly 7 decades on this little blue sphere is that all of it is true- our parents, our grandparents, our teachers and friends, and just about any other we are close to, whether in extended periods of life or short/brief encounters we are all loved unconditionally.
We are loved unconditionally in succulent moments that give us an opportunity to recognize and to be recognized as our most precious parts.
I believe When we say “I love you unconditionally” we aren’t saying I’ll always love you without flaws. What we mean is something more like, “you make me feel more willing to love or be open without any need for my general way of living, caring, feeling about and relating with another”
in other words, “you free me”
I have personally come to realize just recently, in a world of incongruity and impermanence it may well be irrational to hold on to the childhood belief that anyone should have or could ever love us in a constant or consistently unconditional way across our entire life span or relationship with them.
That expectation would imply that we are looking for a “perfect” person to relate with. I don’t believe that is realistic or healthy for our inner development or for any other’s well being.
I’m coming to see that it’s perfectly okay that we have known the full range of loving and rejection. The nuances of all of it help us to thrive and help us know better how to eventually navigate this world without needing anyone else to “love” us or approve of us in order to feel and know that we are valid, relevant, loved - and that in fact, we are (and all living beings) are Love (the full range of it- as the Ancient Greek philosophy measures it)
ego syntonic versus ego dystonic parenting. With conditional love you are praised when you do something syntonic for the parent, blamed when dystonic, which is really this splitting between idealisation and devaluation.
Thank You....❤ It feels good to learn more about ourselves and work those areas 😢😊😊😊 thank You ...
Im sorry you went through that. Me too except i felt totally unloved in actions and parents wouldn't even talk to me at all. Stil they want nothing to do with me. They each have a FAVOURITE child out the 5. The others are ignored.I never heard i love you. I was such a quiet child always somewhere in a corner or under a tree reading books.
It turned into horrendous physical abuse in end up in my teens and at 16 almost being strangled by my father. I managed to judo throw him off before i passed out and i ran away. Never looked back. He poisoned my entiire extended family against me telling them lies. I left for over a decade to a foreign country when i came back after 30 yrs of having little to no contact with extended family. I visit and heard aggressive nasty comments from extended aunts on both sides about how bad i was. The lies my father told for me running away when the abuse was hidden. The lies my dad told to cover up his abuse and continued it for 30 yrs later still perpetuating the lies. Telling some family members living far away from him that he only had 3 children and not 4. Some dont know i exist.
Its a terrible tragic thing to be treated so badly for children my heart shes for all those that arent loved.
I turned to therapist and books to understand myself and then to soul purpose, metaphysical, meditation and why we are here to learn what.
Does affect your self confidence as a child and even into adulthood. My confidence was horrendous even into my twenties it took becoming a prison cop in a death max to finally finding my feet my confidence and start really exploring myself.
I feel like im finally healed. Took mid forties to finally feel whole. It messed up my sisters 4 very damaged adults that bad childhood. I turned to counseling to truly understand the mind and then to books. My sister didnt. Every one has ended up in a controlling abusive relationship and only one stayed married. I think there should be true pyche classes for people planning on becoming parents for free. In end up so many end up doing script drugs as adults, illegal drugs, alcohol to self soathe. e have to change the way we are doing it in our cultures i think we should be educating kids even in high school about whats balanced and normal as a parent. Otherwise all your doing is passing on the bad parenting you learned unless you educate yourself out of it.
I studied child development for 2 yrs as well. I wanted to ensure all my kids needs would be met as i became a parent.
Thank you. Great video.
This is such an important, interesting and valuable video. Thank you so very much dear Daniel ✨️
My mom always said the same thing, yet even as a very small child, I knew she didn’t really know what she was saying. She’s since shunned me, as she’s in a cult. However, she would have found a way to abandon me one way or another, with or without her faux religion. I tell my sons this, and I mean it, and I live it. Our oldest, who is now 17, has had many moments where I was able to show him unconditional love. I went back in even though internally I was hurt and wanted to protect myself. Our twins, who are 9, ask specific ways in which I would unconditionally love them. It’s become a sort of game for us that always ends in ridiculous scenarios and laughs. I will give them what I didn’t have. No matter what.
My dad is like this too but there's always good in everyone. Families shouldn't be like this it's sad
wow thank you for sharing! I am impressed by your progress maybe you can extend that unconditional love also to the roots of your trauma someday, and show your dad a better way.
Please make a podcast
I really feel comfortable and connected listening to u
@Daniel Mackler. Daniel watching ur vids are so affirming for me and you give me an actual real peace to my core. God bless you Daniel. Great point too our parents left us from the beginning so we left them in order to experience our true self that was so beaten down by them. Love ❤️ u Daniel.
I love you. It took me several videos to break through this truth. I see you and adore you