LOVE has NOTHING to do with RELATIONSHIPS: setting the record straight
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- čas přidán 2. 05. 2023
- This will be a bitter pill to swallow for many people, but love has nothing to do with relationships. Whereas relationships are the medium through which value is transacted -- and, therefore, require rules, definitions, and compromises in order to "do business" -- love is royally indifferent to all of these things and expects nothing in return. This is because relationships are about getting what you want, while love is a passage into a higher form of life through the gateway of the humiliated self. And since love only wants what is best for the other -- without care of its own self-interest -- love can only justifiably want a relationship if that relationship were in the best interests of the other...which it probably isn't.
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#love #relationship #psychology
When people say they 'are looking for love' really they are looking to Be loved.
Exactly! They want someone who is "perfect" so they don't have to try to make the relationship work and make someone else happy
K J, well said. Thank you.
No it goes both ways for me. I want to love and be loved.
How is that a bad thing? Is there something wrong with desiring to be loved?
@@HumptyMcFly I suppose he means they only want to be loved but never return it to their partner. So for selfish reasons.
“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation.”
(Osho)
AKA Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh
Beautiful. I will leave the flowers alone.
@Visualize Inside Amen brother. Amen. Preach it.
That's an idealized crap version of love. Love is subjective, it's basically just attachment and longing and nothing more. Rest is just idealism
@@visualizeinside They are basically just consumers who want you to consume so they have an easier access to consume. Emotionless piggies
This was like a blinding flash for me at 37. A strong capacity for love actually makes you bad at relationships because it limits your willingness to assert needs and boundaries. You can’t remain defeated and humiliated in the long term of life.
Spot on and well said.
Healthy boundaries protect the good of both parties. It is often not a zero-sum game.
It is actually a sign of people pleasing if you think one always has to choose between hurting oneself or the other. The shift from people pleasing to healthy boundaries is not switching from their best interest to your best interest in spite of the other. It is a switch from a competitive paradigm to cooperative paradigm. Everyone is dignified, the best of all involved…etc. But one has to leave the ego game to get to love. People pleasers dont actually love the others that they please, they fear them. And love is the opposite of fear
Isn't this guy Patrick Fugit
Love is respect, admiration, caring, in that order, a desire to please the beloved and have the beloved please you. At any one time, it is common for one partner to give more than the other in a context, but also to believe that you will also get what you want and need.
Sometimes I think in my opinion that love is only used to control and rule over people. Not allowing one to use sexually degrading stuff to spice up a love life. Probably it's why people don't like living in dull and boring relationships with someone. Morals and boundaries is slavery in my opinion.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but will rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always Hope's, always perseveres. Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
The Bible
I watched my parents Love each other based on the above definition of Love. They were married for 42 years. It was a beautiful thing to watch.
So glad you posted this. I don't know much about this youtuber, but from what i've gathered, what he purports to be true is all so tragic. The skewed and distorted views of relationships he presents is just so disturbing.
So glad somebody else saw something wrong with this explanation. By his logic marriage and relationships in general are nothing more than a business arrangement and anyone who disagrees is doing so out of arrogance. Which would mean that if you are in a healthy marriage or relationship it is because you do not actually love your significant other. Which is absolutely not true. That is coming from a man who has actually experienced love before and still does on a regular basis. @@nanfal
Love is patient, kind ect are actions not feelings. I have been married 25 years to the same women. If I based my love for my wife just on how I felt all the time, we would of been divorced along time ago.
Anybody who has been married for any length of time knows feelings come and go. I have found that having the mind set of being patient, kind, think of her/his needs not just your own goes a long.
As a Christian, I also know that love, however you define it, is empty without a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Being connected with Jesus Christ makes all the difference.
@@tank5487 Can't tell if Poly-amorous , or if the Guide Rails put up by Jesus and respected by both sides allows both to be in love without risk of a toxic relationship.
Thank you for posting what love is based on Bible verses. Some of his teachings makes me think does he ever experience to love and be loved. But hey to each of its own. His perspectives are definitely different. Sounds like a miserable relationship if it is purely transactional.
This is ironically the most cynical, depressing, and beautiful thing I've heard in a long time and I'm not really sure what to do with it.
@Water~Man I wouldn't say simple. So many "red pill" dudes don't accept this.
yeah i feel alot of the same way makes me wonder why even get in a relationship or want a connection with the opposite sex is it just better to be alone in todays day and age? with the vast amount of information on the topic of relationships, dating and how the sexes communicate its all so complicated and analyzed that im not really sure what to do with it either; I definitely feel alot more grey in life (if thats even a feeling)the more i go down this rabit hole
@@blaydenjayben Yeah. It really fucking sucks.
@@blaydenjayben You’re describing my feelings, my doubts, my fears, my way of living now. Now I analyze so much, and I invite the doubt too often. That much information is making me unsatisfied, doubtful and unhappier. Don’t know what to do with all of it
Here's my post to this video, which will likely help you.
I was attracted to the title of this video because I'm aware of the Truth that it alludes to. And there are various ways to look at the same thing, some ways being more enlightening than others...
I'm the prophesied return of the biblical prophet Elijah. (Not that anyone should believe that, but it should give one pause.) And you're absolutely correct; love is pure, unconditional giving, which flows to the extent that the ego is ignored. But this all occurs automatically, with various souls being at various levels of ability to love.
One can't make oneself love, or teach oneself to love - love teaches one to love. So, your life's experiences are responsible. And who's responsible for your life's experiences? your life's plan? The Source of Love, which many call "GOD." And in fact, Truth be known, that Source is the ONLY Source of absolutely anything that is real. For, GOD is the Mind that is ALL. And. the ego is an illusion that we err to believe in. (I've published material that explains EXACTLY what the ego is, where the ego came from, and why - all information that comes directly from the Source. Click and ye shall find.)
In watching this video, an important thing to point out is exactly what HUMILITY is. Because, humility pulls nothing down; it raises everything that is real UP - in the mind, which is the only place that anything truly exists. You don't become humble by pulling yourself down, but by raising everyone else UP in your mind. You recognize that the ego is not truly who you are by recognizing that the ego is not who ANYONE is - no matter how much they might think that it is! (This is why Jesus Christ teaches forgiveness.)
You can't make yourself do this or learn how to do this - except to the extent that you learn to abandon FEAR (which is what the ego actually is). For fear is the only thing that blocks love - which is our true Being. Because, in the absolute sense, love is the communion of Thought in the Mind that is GOD, which is precisely what we are!
So, as fear (ego) DEcreases love (our true Self) INcreases. Automatically. And this is exactly what GOD's plan is; this is exactly how this world works, guaranteed. "The script is written." This world is designed to pull you out of fear (ego), step by step, lifetime after lifetime, until you return to your true Being. And it is guaranteed to succeed.
We are in some special times, such that all mysteries have been unveiled and the seeds are thrown to the wind to land where they may. So, if you're interested, "click and ye shall find" a tiny online book that takes only 5 minutes to read - "The Book of GOD" - which is guaranteed to blow your mind. I can't imagine anyone reading it only once, who is ready for it.
I correspond only through email (see my contact page).
Relationships are conditional
Love is unconditional
Love is always conditional, I think you meant to say altruistic.
Correct, Victor. Here's my post to this video:
I was attracted to the title of this video because I'm aware of the Truth that it alludes to. And there are various ways to look at the same thing, some ways being more enlightening than others...
I'm the prophesied return of the biblical prophet Elijah. (Not that anyone should believe that, but it should give one pause.) And you're absolutely correct; love is pure, unconditional giving, which flows to the extent that the ego is ignored. But this all occurs automatically, with various souls being at various levels of ability to love.
One can't make oneself love, or teach oneself to love - love teaches one to love. So, your life's experiences are responsible. And who's responsible for your life's experiences? your life's plan? The Source of Love, which many call "GOD." And in fact, Truth be known, that Source is the ONLY Source of absolutely anything that is real. For, GOD is the Mind that is ALL. And. the ego is an illusion that we err to believe in. (I've published material that explains EXACTLY what the ego is, where the ego came from, and why - all information that comes directly from the Source. Click and ye shall find.)
In watching this video, an important thing to point out is exactly what HUMILITY is. Because, humility pulls nothing down; it raises everything that is real UP - in the mind, which is the only place that anything truly exists. You don't become humble by pulling yourself down, but by raising everyone else UP in your mind. You recognize that the ego is not truly who you are by recognizing that the ego is not who ANYONE is - no matter how much they might think that it is! (This is why Jesus Christ teaches forgiveness.)
You can't make yourself do this or learn how to do this - except to the extent that you learn to abandon FEAR (which is what the ego actually is). For fear is the only thing that blocks love - which is our true Being. Because, in the absolute sense, love is the communion of Thought in the Mind that is GOD, which is precisely what we are!
So, as fear (ego) DEcreases love (our true Self) INcreases. Automatically. And this is exactly what GOD's plan is; this is exactly how this world works, guaranteed. "The script is written." This world is designed to pull you out of fear (ego), step by step, lifetime after lifetime, until you return to your true Being. And it is guaranteed to succeed.
We are in some special times, such that all mysteries have been unveiled and the seeds are thrown to the wind to land where they may. So, if you're interested, "click and ye shall find" a tiny online book that takes only 5 minutes to read - "The Book of GOD" - which is guaranteed to blow your mind. I can't imagine anyone reading it only once, who is ready for it.
I correspond only through email (see my contact page).
Exactly
Until they cheat
What I always agree with. I have felt true love and it is not possessive, it wants only the best for the other. But all relationships must be conditional regardless of love felt.
I let her go because I knew she would be happier. I love her to this day, more than anything. I hope she’s happy. Whatever she’s doing.
The thing is, he's not just suggesting you should have let her go. You should let every woman go. Because what are the odds you are the single best person for anyone? What arrogance. Anyone you have a relationship with, you obviously don't love.
This clown has shit for brains, plain and simple.
Agreed
Atlanta you didn't waste your whole life trying
@@ralphy1989 what do you mean Atlanta? how you know I’m from there...
@@kaydavisbeautywriter we just kept hurting each other. At the end I knew she wanted it to be over.
This is the single most important truth every single person needs to realise.
XACTLY!!!!!! 💪🏿💪🏿💪🏿
To our 7 years of marriage I realized love has nothing to do with it. It’s all about care, mutual support, compromises, healthy space and trust and respect:) it only grew with time
I think the so call love, is our lust acting as a bait, to drawn us on a partnership, to make us develop all the qualities you mention!
@@sokhna-sl4fp acting as bait or acting to set example is in the eye of the beholder. Not all negotiations are verbal, reciprocity is sign of agreement to compromise. going beyond it freely is free love.
Bait has a really negative connotation because it implies that you are tricking the baited into a deal that hurts it. Poor word choice.
In any true negotiation, the key is to sincerely state what you want, listen to what the other party sincerely wants, and find out if both sides can get it in a way that doesn’t hurt the other party.
Yes, we have sexual urges. In my current relationship, it’s gotten me to speculate that a woman needs to not let sex dip below a certain level in order to feel secure and that her man desires her, and the man needs to know he can initiate sex a certain amount of times and, barring genuine health concerns, will not be denied.
Sex serves a good function in a relationship and we have to learn how to honor our own impulses while not violating the other.
That is love.
@@fleshanthos they are too dumb to realize that care, commitment, respect and compromise etc = Love.
About 5 years ago, I experienced the closest thing to what you described with a musical partner. She played cello and I played guitar. We spent many hours practicing together. We performed on stage and at weddings. We never kissed, we never told each other this, but the music and performances stripped my armor and I surrendered to my love for her totally. I fell into a deep depression and did a lot of self-work. I was transformed. To this day, I still feel the love she gave me and I am so grateful for the experience.
"To this day, I still feel the love she gave me and I am so grateful for the experience." Good for you. As Orion stated, it *is* rare.
With all due respect, if your depression was triggered by the feeling, it is probably because you did not accept the "humiliated self" that goes with not requiring or even envisaging having anything at all from the person you loved (something that, I recognize, only comes minimally naturally to a buddhist). I think, however, that infatuation with elements of selfishness, if not called love, should definitely not be called "a relationship", as often relationships do not exist in those situations. Some call it limerence, crush, obsession, whatever... Much more common than love proper, as defined by Orion...
Dude... a friend of mine and I recently embarked on an emotional affair that both of us saw coming and said we wouldnt let happen, but it happened anyway, and we had to set boundaries that put us both at arms length against our aelfish desires. It sucks and yet id kill someone for trying to take this feeling from me.
Women only want one thing. More, ….always more. How does anyone reconcile with that?
How do we differentiate love and infatuation though? How did you know it wasn’t just you being infatuated
Well said. When you truly love someone, you are willing to leave the relationship even if it destroys you in the process. I know, because I did it. I broke up with the only girlfriend I've ever had. Her mother hated me, and she was driving her daughter insane as a result. I realized that the only way for her to get out of the situation was for me to leave, if I stayed she would've lost not only her father, but her mother, and her sanity together with it.
After that I lived 6 years of torment, I was feeling like my soul had been ripped apart, and I was the one who did it.
When I try to explain people my experience nobody seems to understand, and eventually I realized that most people just dont get to experience what love is. In fact I only realized recently that "romantic" relationships are just transactional in the vast majority of cases. It's sad, I used to see (successful) relationships as something where both parties would love each other utterly and completely, hut clearly this isn't the case. Hell, even my ex-gf probably wasn't really in love with me, probably just very attached. It doesnt upset me though, she still has a place for her in my mind, and I wish she finds happiness eventually.
I think it's important to point out the dangers of unrequieted love. Lest anyone begin to romanticize that notion after the revelation that true love is selfless.
Love is an interaction between two people, who both put the other's needs ahead of their own. It's almost like a competition for who can be the most selfless. Neither is concerned with how much they can get. Both are only concerned with how much they can give.
This is not the same as wasting your time loving somebody who doesn't love you back. Who doesn't even know you exist, or even worse takes advantage of your affection for their own benefit.
That will only distract you from more productive pursuits, such as: learning to be happily single, engaging an equitable relationships or loving somebody who actually loves you back.
That last thing is exceptionally rare, so don't count on finding it. But even if you never do, it's better than simping over some woman who doesn't give you the time of day.
Two ex-lovers who wish the best for each other could be one example of love without a relationship.
Girl I almost got with 16 years ago saw we were too different and simply said, “I don’t want to change you. See you around.”
@@jameswilkerson4412I'd say you dodged a bullet.
Wishing the best for each other then saying…”see ya”… is easy.
That’s not Love. Words only, not actions of Love.
@@solutions4tenants141I'd have to disagree with that. Sometimes it's better for both parties to separate. Saying 'bye' might just be the most loving thing you can do.
@@jbr84tx Total bullshit. Giving up and quitting is the *easiest* and *least effort* thing to do. Loving another, as a *verb,* takes *work* and self-sacrifice.
This explains why arranged marriages can sometimes work. The relationship is imposed externally as a scaffolding for that love to build, but it can remain even if love is absent, for the value it provides the two connected families.
Think about it this way… each person at your workplace is assigned a teammate. And each team (2 people) has specific tasks to accomplish. You and your teammate might get along or might not like each other. But, in any case, you are compelled by external forces to do what you have to do. That’s basically how arranged marriages work in conservative societies. There is always a chance that people might actually like their assigned spouse. Or maybe not.
Sometimes? They represent the majority of marriages and are demonstrably more successful.
Yes, as far as relationships go. But old souls who truly gain the ability to love, they are able to love absolutely anyone. Here's my comment post to this video:
I was attracted to the title of this video because I'm aware of the Truth that it alludes to. And there are various ways to look at the same thing, some ways being more enlightening than others...
I'm the prophesied return of the biblical prophet Elijah. (Not that anyone should believe that, but it should give one pause.) And you're absolutely correct; love is pure, unconditional giving, which flows to the extent that the ego is ignored. But this all occurs automatically, with various souls being at various levels of ability to love.
One can't make oneself love, or teach oneself to love - love teaches one to love. So, your life's experiences are responsible. And who's responsible for your life's experiences? your life's plan? The Source of Love, which many call "GOD." And in fact, Truth be known, that Source is the ONLY Source of absolutely anything that is real. For, GOD is the Mind that is ALL. And. the ego is an illusion that we err to believe in. (I've published material that explains EXACTLY what the ego is, where the ego came from, and why - all information that comes directly from the Source. Click and ye shall find.)
In watching this video, an important thing to point out is exactly what HUMILITY is. Because, humility pulls nothing down; it raises everything that is real UP - in the mind, which is the only place that anything truly exists. You don't become humble by pulling yourself down, but by raising everyone else UP in your mind. You recognize that the ego is not truly who you are by recognizing that the ego is not who ANYONE is - no matter how much they might think that it is! (This is why Jesus Christ teaches forgiveness.)
You can't make yourself do this or learn how to do this - except to the extent that you learn to abandon FEAR (which is what the ego actually is). For fear is the only thing that blocks love - which is our true Being. Because, in the absolute sense, love is the communion of Thought in the Mind that is GOD, which is precisely what we are!
So, as fear (ego) DEcreases love (our true Self) INcreases. Automatically. And this is exactly what GOD's plan is; this is exactly how this world works, guaranteed. "The script is written." This world is designed to pull you out of fear (ego), step by step, lifetime after lifetime, until you return to your true Being. And it is guaranteed to succeed.
We are in some special times, such that all mysteries have been unveiled and the seeds are thrown to the wind to land where they may. So, if you're interested, "click and ye shall find" a tiny online book that takes only 5 minutes to read - "The Book of GOD" - which is guaranteed to blow your mind. I can't imagine anyone reading it only once, who is ready for it.
I correspond only through email (see my contact page).
They only work in countries where women have no rights.
Marriage is just an outdated religious custom. It has no value.
Exactly. I’m an Anglo American who’s been around S. Asian people and culture a lot. Most (both men and women) in this culture’s arranged marriages do not see their unions as stifling burdens. They see arranged marriages as practical practices for building stable families and lives.
Was not expecting love to be so highly regarded in a video with this title. Pure gold
Like the Mexican singer Jose Jose said in one of his songs, to like someone is to have fun, and to love someone is to suffer.
If you don't believe love is admitting defeat, wait until you have kids. Those eyes and their vulnerability will make short work of you and you will fall in love so quickly it warps you.
True. I’ve been blessed with twin daughters and constantly tell them they are the best thing I r ever done with my life 🥰🥰
But it is a defeat. It's a defeat of you getting to do everything for their sake.
I guess sacrifice is a better word. I think that's what he means by "defeat."
7 forms of love according to the Greeks
@@marafenton8178 I think he's talking about Agape here
I had 2 kids at planned parenthood. I asked the doctor what their chances were. As an abortion doctor he said “not good”. We laughed, chest bumped, and drank a beer. I loved those kids
"Love wants what is best for the loved one, even to the point of sacrificing the self." In my opinion, that's why one sided love or even an overly unequal love is so destructive, and the person in this situation is often left miserable.
It's called "unrequited love".
Yes.
You may be missing the forest for the trees.
If one TRULY loves another than sacrificing themselves IS their happiness. If the sacrificer wants something in return for their sacrifice then that sacrifice is NOT true love.
Hm, sounds like you love someone else more than yourself. Maybe it is some sort of love, but definitively not a happy one. Love does not mean you dont have a choice. You can love someone and leave if it hurts the love to yourself.
@@flavio4481 Love is universal and unconditional, for others or for oneself its the same thing and same proportions, If a relationship is the cause of lessening ones capacity for love then it should change or end. If someones misserable its because their love for the other and themselves is not unconditional, they feel they arent getting what they deserve. Transaction disguised as love as Orion puts it
People around me ask why i never found "the love of my life", meaning why im i still not married at 30. I questioned myself a lot and could not find answer. I looked for an error in me. This week i had some dreams, and realized true love was somwehere else, and was always part of my life. And your video suddenly pops up today, and all is put into words beautifully. I am soo furtunate to have experienced true love in my life. Maybe i will never get married, but now i dont push myself to reach that anymore. ❤ Thank you for the video.
30 is young. you could marry and divorce by 40 and start over again.
If you met the love of your life, you would definitely not be married to them. That question makes no sense. You can't simultaneously love someone and put them into a situation that is not ideal for them.
For people who grew up thinking that love is transactional, that giving love means receiving love in return, this is eye-opening.
The funny thing is Asian parents are guilty of constantly saying their love is conditional, yet act like it's completely unconditional. So your poor brain is confused.
A hard pill to swallow but undeniably the truth. This actual definition of love means that “romantic” love is an illusion. I’ll never be able to watch romantic movies the same again 😂
Stop watching them, period.
I have to agree with Dr. Orion this time.
Romantic movies have one intention only: to make money.
I'd like to take a moment appreciate your willingness to accept the truth not catering to feminine delusions.
It's like fresh water in a desert during the times.
Not hard to swallow when seen in it's full and proper context. Here's my post to this video:
I was attracted to the title of this video because I'm aware of the Truth that it alludes to. And there are various ways to look at the same thing, some ways being more enlightening than others...
I'm the prophesied return of the biblical prophet Elijah. (Not that anyone should believe that, but it should give one pause.) And you're absolutely correct; love is pure, unconditional giving, which flows to the extent that the ego is ignored. But this all occurs automatically, with various souls being at various levels of ability to love.
One can't make oneself love, or teach oneself to love - love teaches one to love. So, your life's experiences are responsible. And who's responsible for your life's experiences? your life's plan? The Source of Love, which many call "GOD." And in fact, Truth be known, that Source is the ONLY Source of absolutely anything that is real. For, GOD is the Mind that is ALL. And. the ego is an illusion that we err to believe in. (I've published material that explains EXACTLY what the ego is, where the ego came from, and why - all information that comes directly from the Source. Click and ye shall find.)
In watching this video, an important thing to point out is exactly what HUMILITY is. Because, humility pulls nothing down; it raises everything that is real UP - in the mind, which is the only place that anything truly exists. You don't become humble by pulling yourself down, but by raising everyone else UP in your mind. You recognize that the ego is not truly who you are by recognizing that the ego is not who ANYONE is - no matter how much they might think that it is! (This is why Jesus Christ teaches forgiveness.)
You can't make yourself do this or learn how to do this - except to the extent that you learn to abandon FEAR (which is what the ego actually is). For fear is the only thing that blocks love - which is our true Being. Because, in the absolute sense, love is the communion of Thought in the Mind that is GOD, which is precisely what we are!
So, as fear (ego) DEcreases love (our true Self) INcreases. Automatically. And this is exactly what GOD's plan is; this is exactly how this world works, guaranteed. "The script is written." This world is designed to pull you out of fear (ego), step by step, lifetime after lifetime, until you return to your true Being. And it is guaranteed to succeed.
We are in some special times, such that all mysteries have been unveiled and the seeds are thrown to the wind to land where they may. So, if you're interested, "click and ye shall find" a tiny online book that takes only 5 minutes to read - "The Book of GOD" - which is guaranteed to blow your mind. I can't imagine anyone reading it only once, who is ready for it.
I correspond only through email (see my contact page).
Men especially need to grasp this concept. Her "love" for you is conditional, unlike the love she gives her kids or pets. It's best if you understand your relationship is transactional...quid pro quo. The moment you love her, you lose your ability to have a transactional relationship; she now has control and you've opened yourself up to severe emotional and financial distress when she leaves you.
When you get down to the basics, all love is conditional, even a mother's love to her kid. Yes, she might not expect the kid to love her back. Yes, she might not expect the kid to take care of her when she's old. But by taking care of the kid and making sure it develops properly and survives, she ensures the continuation of her own genes, which is the closest thing to immortality we have right now. So ultimately, even unknowingly, she still acts for her own self interest.
God is Love and Love is what we really are. Looking for love in a relationship is setting yourself up for failure.
Dr Pat Allen is absolutely clear when she says all relationships must be negotiated.
This is exactly why we all dream of love. We all desire to be so connected to someone that we would give up ourselves for them as they would do for us
That's the Bible, Blue Butterfly! ...... 1 Corinthians 13....who knows....maybe you need this today ❤
@@catherinem4130 Nobody need your fairy tale alienation.
Fairy tale alienation not intended.....sorry@@Damesanglante
Yes, it takes a lot of trust, mutual loving respect, Integrity, loyalty and faith :)
Well, if you expect they would do for you then it is a transaction, not love…
Pop culture has given a different definition to the word Love.
Thank you for reminding us what Love truly is
I watched your SWU interview. My hubby is a retired Navy, plumber, HVAC technician and currently works as a facility maintenance technician at our state transit agency. I called him before I could even finish the doctor’s interview! I am now binging on his channel. I gave my first ever super thanks. So good!
I had to listen very intently because this message spoke to me and explained why I have felt so lost within relationships and wasn’t feeling fulfilled. Love isn’t found in relationships, it’s what we find within ourselves. Damn this was a deep thought dive and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. Great talk!!
Interesting…. Newly married…. I didn’t need marriage…. I was happy loving him and being loved…. I avoided marriage for many years…. But when he asked me….. I knew it would be better for him…. He had been keeping all the balls in the air for decades as a mostly single dad. I didn’t want him to have to do that alone anymore…. I gave up my autonomy…. But we allow each other to be our true selves…. So far it is great…. But for me…. The marriage is now our business…..
And with the one comment at 5:55 - 6:01, he refuted the bible, entirely.
@@CBraximus big deal, the bible refutes itself
He never said that love was found within oneself. But you managed to extract a truth yourself.
When you're needy and have no love for yourself, you will go so far as to disrespect yourself for someone else.
You can't give love if you have no love, and that's especially the case if you have no self-love.
@@GrubKiller436
Here's what I think. Love is a word that can encompass all kinds of positive emotions... You can love food that you're going to eat, and you can love your child. Best not take such a lose word too seriously.
I think the critical thought that people react positively here is the reminder that most people engage with each other to exchange value and that men shouldn't expect a relationship to make them feel that much better than they already do uncommitted due to something called "love". And on the other hand, they shouldn't expect the love they feel to cover up for and solve their relationship problems, i.e. not possessing enough status and value to secure a female.
How does it tie back to the Bible I'm not sure. I guess it teaches us that some kind of positive emotion can experienced even if you're literally being so depraved they drag you to a prolonged torture session. But if you're fanatical enough, you can get suffice in knowing they can't change your fanatical loyalty to a person or an ideal. And well, that's very different from what "a loving relationship" conjures up in a mind.
This was the best non biblical explanation I've heard. Excellent work, sir
This is actually very biblical and based in theology, specifically that of St. Thomas Aquinas.
@@toddupchurch1028 indeed. Meant without mentioning scripture directly
@@ReigningFlame Ah. Thank you for the clarification!
When he spoke about failure, I immediately thought about the “failure” of the cross.
John 3 : 16
Love is defeat of humiliated self absolutely true no wonder it burns so much & true lovers rarely end up together.
I have never heard true love explained so eloquently as the way you did. It’s a hard truth to realize the chances of ever truly loving someone is very slim, but to be truly loved is even more rare. At least one has the choice to truly love someone, but few are willing to make that choice of never being loved back, and be at peace with it.
Imagine the odds of two people truly loving each other (no hidden transactionalism) and ending up in a relationship too. Cosmic odds.
I only loved like that once, I let go of him. His pain was my pain, his happiness was my happiness. I’d have gladly given my life for him.But it’s so painful you never dare love like that again!!!!
And even if you dared, it might not be possible.
As someone who spent 10 years in regular Buddhist courses, festivals, retreats, weekly classes and more all around the world, you just nailed it so well about what love actuality is.
Not sure what Buddhism you follow, but Buddhism does not teach this.
@@toddupchurch1028 it does it just presents it differently, when you go deep enough what love actually is vs what we usually do in relationships which is not actual love and is more transactionally based
@@grow-evolveSpot on. Actually almost all religions teach the exact same, just with different approach and words.
Interesting... a Woman I adore, too, is a practitioner of Vedic teachings. She doesn't believe (thank Goodness!) in sex without marriage, she's vegetarian, abstains from smoking and drinking - and has an adopted Vedic name that binds her to said code of conduct.
We had an online discourse going (in the course of which she, among other things, expressed her jealousy in the most unequivocal terms with me for having female friends) for a couple of weeks, then, in the morning after our most intimate nocturnal conversation, became an insufferable bitch and started ignoring, avoiding me, would respond to my extended messages with a mere "🙏🏻", then deleted our entire correspondence - and ultimately blocked me. Out of the blue, without a reason.
Would that have to do with her religion? Was this drastic and to date irreversible change the result of her (not yet finalised) divorce, the fear of losing the mortgage and the children as a consequence? The geographical distance between the two of us? She never properly explained this sudden change in her behaviour: it went from "You can't force a person to feel or do as you want them to" to "I'm here to communicate. It's way too early for Love confessions" to "You said you don't corrupt women. Please, don't. Let me be" (but then, what on Earth was she doing in Tinder? And how exactly did I "corrupt" her - I never said anything improper, nor requested anything the short time of our correspondence wouldn't warrant) to "I'm depressed: all I want is for the divorce procedure to end, so I can have a normal life again".
I'm scratching my head; can't find an answer to this riddle: she appeared to be very interested, very jealous even, told me she likes a cuddle prior to going to bed - and then boom! - I'm out for no reason - and her explanations don't appear to make much sense, either.
This is probably your most brilliant video. Thank you for the clarity. Yes, love is blind and there's no self in it.
I was going to say it was dumbest video I've ever watched by this guy
agreed!
It is deep. Want to go even deeper? Here's my posted comment to this video:
I was attracted to the title of this video because I'm aware of the Truth that it alludes to. And there are various ways to look at the same thing, some ways being more enlightening than others...
I'm the prophesied return of the biblical prophet Elijah. (Not that anyone should believe that, but it should give one pause.) And you're absolutely correct; love is pure, unconditional giving, which flows to the extent that the ego is ignored. But this all occurs automatically, with various souls being at various levels of ability to love.
One can't make oneself love, or teach oneself to love - love teaches one to love. So, your life's experiences are responsible. And who's responsible for your life's experiences? your life's plan? The Source of Love, which many call "GOD." And in fact, Truth be known, that Source is the ONLY Source of absolutely anything that is real. For, GOD is the Mind that is ALL. And. the ego is an illusion that we err to believe in. (I've published material that explains EXACTLY what the ego is, where the ego came from, and why - all information that comes directly from the Source. Click and ye shall find.)
In watching this video, an important thing to point out is exactly what HUMILITY is. Because, humility pulls nothing down; it raises everything that is real UP - in the mind, which is the only place that anything truly exists. You don't become humble by pulling yourself down, but by raising everyone else UP in your mind. You recognize that the ego is not truly who you are by recognizing that the ego is not who ANYONE is - no matter how much they might think that it is! (This is why Jesus Christ teaches forgiveness.)
You can't make yourself do this or learn how to do this - except to the extent that you learn to abandon FEAR (which is what the ego actually is). For fear is the only thing that blocks love - which is our true Being. Because, in the absolute sense, love is the communion of Thought in the Mind that is GOD, which is precisely what we are!
So, as fear (ego) DEcreases love (our true Self) INcreases. Automatically. And this is exactly what GOD's plan is; this is exactly how this world works, guaranteed. "The script is written." This world is designed to pull you out of fear (ego), step by step, lifetime after lifetime, until you return to your true Being. And it is guaranteed to succeed.
We are in some special times, such that all mysteries have been unveiled and the seeds are thrown to the wind to land where they may. So, if you're interested, "click and ye shall find" a tiny online book that takes only 5 minutes to read - "The Book of GOD" - which is guaranteed to blow your mind. I can't imagine anyone reading it only once, who is ready for it.
I correspond only through email (see my contact page).
I think love is important in relationships. As long as you remember to love yourself as well, and no less than any other.
Did you hear anything that he said?
@@jdl2180 He did but he may have reached his Dunning-Kruger threshold.
I agree. You can love the same person you are in relationship with. And you can (and should) love yourself too. And then it becomes complicated - you love someone unconditionally, you want to be in their presence, and you do it through relationship if they tell you that they want it, if they desire a relationship with you. You are trying to be your best version for them, to do what is best for them, however, sometimes you still hurt them, because you are not always able to do what is best for them or because you make mistakes deciding what it is. You also know that it is not best for them to let them receive most of the value in the relationship and not to give much back in return, so you are trying to keep some boundaries. And sometimes you leave them, because there was too much of pain or too much value went only one direction in relationship and yoz feel hurt too much, and you can still love them after break-up.
This episode broke my defenses. Thank you for the clarification doctor, and may your mission impact the world in a greater way than you could have ever imagined.
I've been married twice, had multiple girlfriends but never experienced the love you are talking about except maybe from my mother.
Every relationship has been completely transactional.
Did you ever give love?
@@ElizabethUkehTHAT’S the question I bet he cannot answer.
Why do you expect women to love you like your mother did? You are an adult, why do you still need to be mothered?
Ooh, Tony hit a nerve. You women don't love men (who aren't blood relatives), period. You are literally unable to.
Jesus man every girl that has replied is just sitting on you wtf
Also, an error is the claim that the best thing for somebody you love is almost certainly not having a relationship for you. If you remove yourself from somebody's life, you will not automatically be replaced by the best person in the universe for that person. You will be replaced by 0 to many relationships of uncertain value. If the other person has chosen to be with you, then there is a very god chance that THEY believe that you are the best choice for their happiness. And since they know themselves better than you do, there is a very good chance that they are right.
Thus if you are in love and in a relationship, it is very likely that staying in that relationship IS in the other person's best interest, and IS the loving choice. (Not certain, but certainly not a near zero possibility as this video suggests).
In order to assess yourself as the best possible partner for the person that you love, you must have an arrogant mindset. If you have an arrogant mindset, your own ego prevents the self-humiliation innate in love. You cannot simultaneously be proud and humble.
Furthermore, love doesn't decide these things so rationally. If you love someone you want the best possible thing for them, which even if it is you in that moment, might not be you the next day, or the next year. By shackling the person you love into a relationship, you are limiting their freedom and thus their possibilities to pursue their own dreams/happiness. That is not a selfless love. That is a relationship. There are opposing forces which make selfless love and relationships an incredibly rare and exceptional pairing.
Like you I do think there are examples out there, but they aren't so common. Most I would consider a form of compromised love- a selfishly bent "I want the best that I can give you", not "I want the best possible thing out there for you, regardless of the sacrifice I have to make."
@@TrenchcoatJesus If the person says that they WANT to be in a relationship with you, then it is arrogance to tell them that a relationship with you would be bad for them.
@@aum1040 I'd argue the opposite. I think the most common/recognizable form of selfless love we see or experience is parental love.
If a child says to their parent, "I want to stay with you, love you, and be with you forever." The parent isn't going to then say, "Yes, I am the best person that can love you and take care of you." Do you see how that is an arrogant mindset? Good parents often want the best thing for their children, seeking nothing in return for their extraordinary sacrifices made for said child's happiness.
That doesn't mean a parent has to push a child away or cut them out of their life, it just means that the relationship between them is unequal. In Orion's terms, we would label such a relationship as abusive- a parent gives and the child takes. That's just how our society functions and it isn't looked down on (it's seen as natural, even), but that's the kind of selflessness he's talking about.
@@TrenchcoatJesus The vast majority of the time when a child says he wants to be with his parents, it is indeed in the child's best interests. The example of grown up children that fail to fledge is very much the exception.
Likewise, you can convince yourself that you are the best sexual option a woman will ever have via affirmations and repetition thereof. You can choose these beliefs and create your reality around it. Then, who you are being in the world is somebody that just has unlimited "physical relationships". And sure, you can connect on a human level is well beyond that - but just let go of any outcomes beyond the sex. That's probably as Good as it gets for men.
I have been a Marriage and Family Therapist for 20 years and I completely agree! For thousands of years marriage was a contractual agreement for many reasons and love not usually one of them! Love was shared with others and monogamy was only presented in the age of romanticism. I enjoyed watching how you explained this topic.
Marriage is for the children. That should be obvious.
Even Jordan Peterson literally says this.
Love has nothing to do with a relationship?
Well what does a relationship have to do with love?
They're both neither necessary to each other nor mutually exclusive.
You can love someone and be in a relationship.
You can love and not.
You can be in a relationship without love.
What is the point of this video?
This video really opens your eyes-it packs a ton of truth into just 11+ minutes and it hits hard.
People fall out of love in 2 years on average. Love breaks up relationships.
True.
Yep! It's hormonal.
One person usually loves more than the other. Often one gives more than the other. One way runs out of road.
Ninty percent of women marry who is available, not who they love. After a couple of years of self interest, selfishness goes rampant. The first couple of years were an act. Then the masks fall off. Transactional relationships with a ball and chain.
@@kengaroo5170 It's so true. Many of the dyads I see consist of one person being truly in love while the other is using the same language but experiencing something very different. I rarely see a dyad of two people actually in love.
This hit home, defiantly going to soak this one in and live in it. A friendship is more beautiful than anything truly
I would like to say that this video has brought tears to my eyes as to how elucidating and true this is. The idea that love has nothing to do with relationships is so eye opening. I have seen the most loveless but functional relationships on the surface but it is functional because it is transactionally balanced. They both give each other what is needed to sustain each other's comfortable living and therefore stay together. Once the transactions become imbalanced, I can imagine one party leaving.
The part about love being the humiliated self is so touching 😢
And they say men are heartless.... well done Doc!
When I heard this idea many years ago, from a psychologist which I met and I deeply admire, it was really hard for me to digest it. I could not imagine to love someone who does not love me back or disrespects me. Yet, coming from that guy, I kept thinking on it. I am glad you chose to speak about it. People refuse to accept the fact that what they feel is not love. Now I know you are so right, even if I am not capable of such a pure feeling. The only love is unconditional love and it is extremely rare. Thank you, Doctor, for this video! Thank you so much!
What are you loving about the other person if you dont care about how they act?
Love within the humans when it comes to sex/romance is conditional and it’s tested.
@@fredrikdippel3664 Excellent question. As someone who has loved blindly to my own detriment, I'd say it's simply the fact that the person exists. Let's be real, life is a miracle.
Powerful message sir and you have a terrific singing voice, on top of that, what an unexpected surprise! Thanks for sharing all of it.
i was so confused to think how people fake love to have relationships for sex and then leave each other as if nothing happened, and i have always been scared of relationships because i cannot fake love, now i have understood what it means, thank you Orion
Or fake love to get into a relationship not just for (functional) sex but for money/property and enhanced social status.
This is just the cynical part. Every good/ positive relationship you have should in some way be mutually beneficial. This is not a negative thing. But the ideal relationship is if a woman loves a man. And then the man is brave enough to choose to love her inspite of the cynicism.
But as I last remembered, I thought you people prided yourselves in being relevant human beings by being part of the so called "food chain" by and with being in a sexual relationship with somebody because it made you people like whole people. Eating your words now? Now you think sex is something that is being used in a negative and wrong way as a tool to cheat on your partner with someone else. Hey, nobody told you people to be young and dumb and treat sex like a competitive sport. You know that sexual relationships is a deeply personal thing and you people exploited it out in the open. Now you people can't even go without 6 months to a year without having a relationship fallout. You people corrupted love, so this here is on you people.
@@seekerofthemutablebalance5228 Didn't you fellas want an open sexual relationship with your partner? Didn't you men want to have 2 women to have sex with because it would add spice to a relationship? But you fellas never expected your female partner to object to it, didn't you? That's because today's women are politically correct, feminist women that doesn't pride in demeaning and degrading themselves.
Why do you think feminist women are hated by society? Because they are the most fucking backwards human beings on the planet. They would rather leave men sexually deprived and going batshit crazy mentally over them not getting laid by a woman than be open minded to endear to a man's sexual needs and wants.
If you wanted to be happy with a woman, you should have catered yourself to be with open minded women that want men to give them the excitement of having a 2 on 1 open sexual relationship with another woman. What were you men thinking wanting to be in a relationship with a woman with morals, principles, and values. High expectations and standards to be exact?
Women with morals and values are about the most miserable people on the planet and live their lives in jealousy and envy for women that don't give a shit about morals and principles. I mean yes women have to be responsible for the choices and decisions they make. But even then, open minded women want to be alive and live a happy blissful life expressing themselves sexually.
If you choose a miserable woman that doesn't pride themselves in being sexual with men especially when some shallow women want to be masculine and not feminine, you're going to live a miserable, sad, pathetic, unappealing life. And I damn well know that you don't want to live and have a sad, pathetic life, do you?
Because it wasn’t based on “love” but mutual exchange
From someone who has been struggling to understand why I was having so much trouble with understanding relationships in my life, thank you very much!
Not sure what Orion is getting to in this video, but there is a difference between falling in love (sexually/romantically) and simply loving someone in the agapeic sense. FACT: the women I've been most 'in love' with would have been a disaster as relationships. My most successful relationship, on the other hand, has been with someone who I'm not that much in love with but is a best friend and someone I love as a human being. Friendship is much more important to relationships than romantic love, and this is one major reason why so many marriages break up - there is love, there is passion but there is no real, genuine friendship and shared values between couples. Both men and women have a natural romantic attraction for exciting, charismatic, sexy and even dangerous members of the opposite sex, but once we start relationships with such people they invariably end in tears....for those of us who fell in love with them, not for the objects of our attraction, who are often self-centered psychopaths and egomaniacs. Falling in love is a biochemical reaction of the brain, while genuine friendship leads to genuine long term love and strong relationships.
Your edit was a solid alteration/addition.
Like vs love. Like is rational, love is blind.
I agree. I think he is basically clarifying that assuming love will be present in a relationship is foolish. Relationships are transactional FIRST and foremost. Love is in fact effortless and requires nothing except humiliation, is what he said. Although I’m not clear yet
the issue may be that what people nowadays call love is like 8 different lexical terms in many languages or in eras past. makes different types of love harder to discuss.
Arousal and attraction are two different things.
I think the addition to this is that someone with true humility wouldn't assume to know what was best for the other. So, it'd only make sense to allow the other person to decide for themselves whether or not to return love, by being honest with them about your feelings.
Also, we come to love people in response to who they are. We know who they are partly through how they deal with us. Including through how they deal with us in a relationship...
I needed this. All this while i felt like a toxic person for avoiding relationships but not holding back from expressing love.
"Love wants only to remain in the presence of the loved one..." these are the most beautiful words to tell what love is. I felt it exactly this way and that is why it made me cry. And the singing fragment!:) -It all resonates with me like no other talk about love. Thank you.
Proof they never loved me I guess. Insisting love while maintaining a silent abandonment.. the only relationship being money.. that isn't love.
@@CBraximus you should let go of conventional viewpoints, he talks more psychologically from what I understand.
He isn't insisting in silent abandonment, these aren't Steps but on meaning
One of the most inspiring talks I've heard on CZcams and resonates with me as a parent . My mother sacrificed her life for my happiness. She showed me what love really means.
And today successful women sacrifice their kids for their *careers* yes thats love
What did you scarify for her? And you father, what did scarify? ...
Don't put scars on people unless you're Yoruba.
The humiliated self, exalted (just foe being who and how they are
Thank you for this refreshing point of view!
After seeing this, I feel like my head is spinning and I want to collect my thoughts.
1) What comes first is the memory of my time as a mother of my newborn children. The loved I felt for them had the quality of willing to sacrifice anything for this little being without asking anything in return. I remember my willingness to give up my undisturbed sleep, to change diapers and wipe up vomit, to hold them in my arms for hours and the joy it gave me, just looking at their face. And at the same time, how dangerous it can be to stay merged with this absolute devotion, nearly fainting at the doctor's office when my son had his first cold and I had been awake several nights in a row, being sick myself.
2) The second thought is the love of children. In their first months of their life, they have no sense of separation between them and their primary caregiver, and even after this separation, they are completely dependent from them. They are like James Bond felt - completely naked and vulnerable. And on the one sided, to be this vulnerable and feeling like the caregiver is the world to them, can be beautiful and touching and the the same time, there's the risk that this caregiver can't do this enormous responsibility justice (for example, when they don't have the support they need and feel too exhausted to respond in a kind and caring way)
I remember loving this way as an adult, both, how wonderful it can feel to be vulnerable and the bliss of being loved in return, but also how I lacked mental stability and became clingy and than feeling destroyed when the other person stated that they needed more space.
3) So we have parent's love, child's love and there is the skill to be present (or Self-in-Presence as Ann Weiser Cornell and Barbara McGavin call it). When we are present, we can love like in your example of spending time with a cat. It's this kind of love that Paul writes of in the 1 Corinthians 13: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
This kind of love is no feeling to me - it's a skill. It needs me to learn to be self-aware, to be bigger than my Parts, to meet my pain and darkness in a kind and understanding way.
When I think of this kind of love, I think of people like Jesus Christ or His Holyness the Dalai Lama.
4) So there are this three kinds of states which come up when I think of the word 'love'. And I feel like, the art of love is to combine all of them. To love like a parent for example when the other one is sick and needs care, seeing them as a wonder, feeling attached to them. And to love like a child receiving care, feeling the bliss of being loved of the most wonderful person in the universe. AND to be present, so sense my own needs while caring for someone how needs my care. To love and hold myself when the other person can't. To pause and sense what's the best for me. (Personally, I find it very arrogant to think that I can know what's best for the other person, that's up to the other person to sense and decide)
This is sooooo true. You really have to have experience to understand this video. My ex left me not because she fell out of love with me but because she wasn’t receiving anything in the “transaction”.
And how do you feel about her now? I’m in the same spot, I’ve juste been left for the exact same reason and I alternate between hating her and understanding her.
@@TheDurivage How do I feel about her? I’m mad she gave herself all the time she needed to mentally check out of the relationship while she only gave me about two days. It happened back in February and I’ve moved on but the pain will always be there. I don’t want her back, I just have a complaint I’d like to file, if that makes any sense.
You could try to understand her but try to understand women in general. Women always want something out of the relationship. They want to know that it’s going somewhere and that it’ll be fruitful, either by starting a family or going on lots of vacations to different places. And when I say vacations I don’t mean Aruba, Jamaica, Cancun. Those places are great but lots of women are content exploring the many places in their own state.
How long were y’all together?
She wasn't in love with you.
@@roses6564 nope, she stopped loving me months before we broke up.
@@WK_MERCURY Right. That's my point. She may have never been in love with you. Women don't walk away from men they have ever been truly in love with. Believe.
It’s a ~12 min video yet I felt the need to repeat it multiple times with how true it is because I’ve sought a partial love over lust and thought I was wrong in how I pursued relationships. I am happy to know that I’ve been seeking relationships the right way. Not because it isn’t self sacrificial and destructive but because ultimately that is the greatest transaction afforded.
To recap he was saying love has no place in relationships. We fall in love at our own peril.
Has the majority of your time seeking relationships, been satisfactory to you? Also, would you trade some of that time, in order to have more sex, even if you had to pay for it to some degree?
@@wavybump so I’ll add the caviat that my use of love is a partial love. I understand his more ‘black pill interpretation” but you kinda have to hit the extreme side of the concept to make it clear. My interpretation of a relationship isn’t just the transactional exchange it’s also the need to develop to some degree that sacrificial aspect of love. Not just for the transactional aspect but the mural dependence of that sacrifice and respect.
I get his perception but you can say that I have been witness to relationships that developed to where a partial love was present with the forfeiture of their health. It’s referenced in Romeo and Juliet because it’s the ultimate sacrifice and self destructive when it’s one sided. But it does exist however in the modern day that is radically more complicated.
@@multigamer313 western style dating is more cold in application the majority of people have a mask that they keep on at all times. Could I have spent my time better in sacrifice to my self… most certainly. I could have attained a lot more sex in the past through university and my confidence wouldn’t have suffered as much in my early years as I could have easily become one of those sexually active jocks. However I choose a more virtuous path early on to avoid resentment.
However I have found a that there are some worth giving what you can for, and the transaction doesn’t hurt because it’s one sided it hurts when it’s mutual because the self sacrifice is from both sides. That existed until the trance was broken and the mutual self sacrifice got dangerous so we departed.
The goal should be for a partial love to exist in a relationship and the need for that one sided transaction to be enough to drive that continued self sacrifice. Has it been successful? No, I don’t recommend it because sincerity today is not common place. The transaction of value shown is not the same and I try to guard that degree of self sacrifice in love a bit better. But I always thought it was wrong to perceive it that way, instead the video kinda presented the idea that though it’s insane as a transactional avenue for a relationship, it eventually does develop to it.
We are all afforded a set amount of time and it’s limited. it can be conflated but there is a sacrifice involved with the exchange of those words. Ultimately isn’t it some degree of love behind it?
It might not help that I have two definitions of love here but hopefully the point was reached.
I understood what Orion preached here a long ago. And i made the decision to seek what you call “partial love”. So i’m with you in this journey.
I don’t need love, I just need respect in a relationship.
Men long for respect, women long for love...
I can honestly say that this video is the most informative video I have ever crossed about love 💕 and made me finally understand how I was able to completely destroy my own health and comfort two times already for what seemed twice the love of my life. And I immediately knew that I would no longer be able to do that a third time. As it has cost me my very breath and it was NOT worth it, even-though I wasn’t in it for the worth, I stepped into the journey of partnership, unknowingly that they would each time leave me empty and completely unappreciated for all I went through. Just to learn my own value in the darkness of irreplaceable solitude.
I almost never comment.
I found your insights both profound as they are for me healing.
Gratitude.
Well said. Love has nothing to do with any form of self-interest. It’s giving in nature and the opposite of Ego. You can’t have both. Love is the most wonderful feeling, a reward in itself; it lacks nothing and therefore doesn’t need anything. We can’t “find” love since it is not outside of us, but we can be reminded of it when we witness or on the receiving end of it.
Considering every human has love and ego, I'd say you can definitely have both. We are capable of possessing and balancing contradictory states.
As someone who came to the realization that I gave and sacrificed far too much to the point of my own detriment in a previous relationship, simply because I loved that person so much, I think we should be careful about how we speak about this sort of thing. While I think that anyone who is looking for real love should be prepared to accept the harsh reality of the vulnerability involved and the possibility of devastation, I don’t think it’s wise to celebrate one-sidedness and self sacrifice as some kind of virtue or testimony to the lengths one would go to for their love. People can get seriously hurt this way… I think that the first love we all have is ourselves. And until you can learn and understand and love yourself enough to know what your boundaries are in relationships, and what are willing to do for and accept from a partner, you will continue getting into these imbalanced situations. Paradoxically, it’s only through the ultimate love of oneself that we can create a true love relationship which is sustainable for both parties.
Amen a thousand times to the kind of self-sacrifice that chronically deprives our self of its legitimate needs. That’s not love; it’s disrespect of the self. Best practice: Balance self-sacrificing acts with acts that respect and nurture ourselves.
yes but sometimes what we think is love is not, what he describes from Crouching Tiger is love, both totally independent, needing and expecting nothing from the other.
Thank you for this voice of reason. I used to think that I was looking for love, then at some point I realized that I want a relationship because love, as an abstract idea, is too vague and anyone can create their own definition of love and wreak havoc with it (think of Christian crusaders). The author of this video, a man whom I've never seen before, perhaps he has a university degree and studied human psychology for many years - what makes him an authority on what love is and what it is not?? Who in the world has such an authority??!! Sure, his definition of love is very inspiring, lofty, poetic, I'd say even religious but I feel like asking ”Where's the research literature that supports his thesis?” The love that he's talking about is the love of poetry and I mostly speak prose so call me prosaic because to me, at this point of life, there's nothing more touching than a relationship in which people care for each other deeply, who respect each other, protect each other, trust each other, enjoy each other, and yes, reciprocity is the key word. And by the authority I've given myself without asking for anyone's approval, I declare such a relationship, a loving relationship.
I think that this polarised split between love and relationships has no other purpose than to evoke strong emotional reaction in the audience and boost the visibility of the channel. Such dichotomy between transactional relationships and love is completely unnecessary and unhelpful. I believe that people would be much happier if they knew how to successfully integrate love and relationships instead of seeing them as two completely separate phenomena.
Instead of falling for some romantic ideals, we'd be better off learning how to care for each other as best (and as imperfectly) as we can. Leave lofty ideals where they belong - beautiful and inspiring films, literature and art.
@@AnnaPrzebudzona well said. I think there are a lot of different types of love and like you say, no one is an authority on love. I don’t think that this guys interpretation is necessarily a “wrong” definition of love but more so one of many possible manifestations, particularly an unhealthy one. The main issue I take with his argument is that he claims that “love has nothing to do with relationships”, which makes love and relationships mutually exclusive. But this is a false dichotomy. While it is true that romantic relationships are probably the most conditional relationships many of us will ever have, that doesn’t mean that unconditional love can’t exist within them, provided that both partners are willing to make an effort to meet each others conditions. That might sound paradoxical but it’s really not- on the contrary, it explains why people break up even though they still love each other, and that of course explains why love can be so painful.
@@AnnaPrzebudzona There are experts on love and a bunch of lab studies but you're overthinking it, stop looking for authorities and research papers, there's a replicability crisis in science, outside physical reality we no longer have a consensus on what's even true, if we have ever even had one. You seem to think you know what's going on but think of yourself 10 years ago, your understanding was spotty at best and 20 years ago you were clueless, but you thought you had it figured out just like today, our rational mind isn't entirely to be trusted, there's all kinds of biases. And then you start falling in love with someone and it changes how you see physical reality, their facial lines go softer in your eyes. This love stuff is all there is, it's the only real thing in us, realer than the real stuff.
This is absolutely the best advice I've ever heard! You have complied all my thoughts about love and relationships entirely! Excellence, attention in detail at the highest level!
Bro, that was profound. I understand 100% what you said. I had a love relationship like you described with someone who unfortunately left us too early, and we knew our time was limited. It was all about just being together and connecting on a level beyond words. That beautiful experience with that beautiful and treasured soul, prepared me for my real relationship, one built on solid foundations and exchange of high value. But this is something you only learn after experiencing both sides of the coin. Thanks for the work, thats some deep stuff
100% agree. Sometimes you realize the person is much better without you...and you want what's best for them because you love them...even if it isn't You. It happens.
Sad but true.
No, that just reflects your lack of self-discipline. Absolutely nothing prevents you from becoming what's best for them, except your own beliefs of incapability of doing so. If you "realize" you are the problem, then fix it and become the solution.
@@hyperteleXii
Having survived war, there are some problems that can take years just to define, and decades to fix. Some problems are so deep and some people are so broken that they aren't easily fixed. And very few problems are solved by a simple decision like flipping a switch.
People with real self awareness and a determination to improve themselves are generally on a lifelong quest. And everybody else just doesn't want to improve themselves.
So yes, it's entirely possible that you might not be the right person for someone.
@@hyperteleXii not as easy to achieve socioeconomically as you think…
This is the love I’ve always practiced. Wanting the best for a person either with me or with out me. People are not possessions.
I think I heard Jordan Peterson define love as "the best in me wanting the best for the best in you."
If you write a book, it will be the greatest book of all time 🙏🏾 You’ve changed my life 🙌🏾
That's why relationships are so difficult. It's so hard to keep the transactions going on both sides forever. No different than why most businesses fail.
Exactly!
Love is not an emotion . love is a state of being where the self is not .
It's an emotion too.
@@roses6564 Love and feelings of adoration, limerence, attachment or infatuation are not the same
@@Sam-by3kk Love ALWAYS begins as an emotion, which is predicated on an evaluation of the other and results that speak to the evaluator on many levels. ALWAYS. Read up the heavy science.
Otherwise, we could pick anyone in the street and just "decide" to love them and commit to them.
Without the early appraisal stage which yield emotion, there is no bestowal stage and commitment stage, unless we talk a loveless marriage.
Love DOES disappear if the original emotion disappears too and only commitment and "choice" are left in place. Sorry to break it to all the self-righteous moralist/religious zealots, but that's not love. It's duty. Just like they love to distinguish love from infatuation, love must also be distinguished from duty. There's 0 satisfaction of being loved out of duty and "commitment" - it's an oxymoron.
Infatuation is simply a superficial positive evaluation of another that goes away quickly.
LOVE is absolutely a complex set of emotions at the core (and yes, it must start with so-called "infatuation") on which the individual adds bestowal, possibly commitment and the like. But with the emotion gone, so is love. What's left is just dry commitment. People commit to others all the time without love for various ulterior motives.
Anyone who brainwashes themselves into thinking love is NOT an emotion simply lives a lie, for a stable but dry life.
Do not believe the religious/moralistic zealotry. It's herd control.
@@roses6564 Interesting take, thanks for writing it. I like that you say love without emotion is duty. Putting the duty aside, my take is that the emotion is still founded somewhat in transaction.
Dry to say, but still true I think.
There's usually always an adoree and an adorer. That still lies in transactional power dynamic where the emotion is born.
@@Sam-by3kk The emotion is founded in "appraisal," not necessarily "transaction" in the market sense (tit for tat). Unsurprisingly, science has found that unrequited love has the same neurological effects on the person experiencing it as the reciprocated kind. In other words, we love what we love period. Not what we rationalize to love.
At the early stage (appraisal), "I have strong interest in X because he has a,b,c qualities which do something for ME." This causes the emotion to rise and love to begin taking place. And yes, that TOO is love!
This early stage of love is egocentric indeed, but it is crucial ("I love X BECAUSE"), since without this egocentric, emotional type of love, the conscious bestowal stage cannot happen (I love X DESPITE), and the much touted "commitment" stage and the continued faithfulness later, will be nothing but dry choice to be with someone and duty.
Superficial moralizers and other mouthpieces of the social order love to parrot how "love is a choice," and how "it's all about commitment" and other religious sanctimonies that don't measure up to reality. The worst I heard from a religious figure was that "all marriages are matches made in Heaven." ROFL.
Um, right.
Tell that to all the miserable pairs out there where there is disconnect, failure to merge emotionally, never mind abusive behavior. God must have been on crack when he made those matches.
So no, love is NOT a choice. You can't make it to exist anymore than you can make it to stop existing. At best, we can say that love has stages. The later ones are more developed/accomplished, but without the original, raw, egocentric stage (I love because), that's anything BUT love.
Commitment, pragmatism, doing right by whomever one settled for or was "arranged" with, duty etc. - none of these are LOVE. They may be all sorts of useful, nice things, but they are not LOVE.
At the core, love remains pure emotion and everything else (bestowal, commitment, acts of love, sustained fidelity) build on that core.
I agree with philosophers who argue that it is irresponsible to "choose" to commit to someone you are not already in love with. Yes, that means passion, emotion, devotion, that stuff.
Because if you are not from the beginning, you are gambling with the odds that "love" will develop in time, "by choice," which are poor. Habituation may result, but that's not love either.
You don't have the early, core love down, you don't commit. This should be axiom for mate selection - but people are advised exactly to the contrary. Don't mind the emotion, it's all about commitment.
Then again, most people would not marry and reproduce with this axiom, which might not be a bad idea.
In other words, the original "In love" matters....even if the strong initial emotion changes over time into a simmering fire.
If the emotion disappears (or never was there in the first place), what's left is just duty, at best. Duty is the Ego playing by the rules so society won't think you a sh*tty person, and so you won't have a low opinion of yourself as judged through the eyes of society.
This is why most people prefer to stay with a spouse they are "meh" about emotionally, even if they were to meet the love of their life after marriage.
After all, who wants to be judged a "cheater" or an "abandoner" of family, etc? Social order must be preserved, even at the cost of love.
Bigger point: Love remains mystery, no matter how much humans insist otherwise and try to control it.
It is a 100% miracle, out of human control.
Marital vows are basically absurdities.
You can sign to stay with someone legally forever, but you cannot guarantee that you will LOVE them forever or exclusively forever (as in monogamy), no matter how life evolves. You may or may not. Only time can tell. It is 100% impossible to guarantee "forever love" to anther human.
Humanity is simply a bunch of hypocrites but most can't see how.
Dr Taraban's videos are getting progressively more profound and edifying.
Wow! You've certainly given me a lot to think about. This has put into words something I have just experienced - loving someone and knowing we can't be together because they can never be happy with just me, but wanting them to be happy even if not with me. Very deep subject, thank you
This is the most accurate description I’ve ever heard and it precisely put in words how I experience love and describes why I can not manifest romantic relationships. Thank you! I embrace fully that I am the love of my life and that I can transmit that love to anyone who have entered my heart.
This is the one thing I wished more people understood
The world would be a much different place if they understood love
Well now. I guess I have to stop telling my boyfriend that I love him, because I obviously do not. According to this definition of love, the best I could say for myself is that I like him intensely and want good things for him. But you are right, I DO expect him to show up for me too in a give and take relationship. I've just realized that I have never truly loved anyone in my life. Even my own mother. It has also occured to me that true love is extremely rare in the world and that the vast majority of humanity has never experienced it. Your description has made me realize that true love is an almost unatainable ideal. 😢 If I want to be honest, I'm going to have to get used to telling my boyfriend that I am greatly fond of him. Somehow, I get the feeling this won't go over very well. Jeez, what a life this is!
I know what you mean- 😪
Saw your interview on SWU and thought it was great! He does awesome work and your interview is one of my favorites. Already recommended it to a few others to watch as I will for your channel. It's tough to even recommend things for friends/family, we're all so enamored with the click-bait in our own personal online algorithms. Even I get home and first think, "Dang, I got a few of my regular subscriptions to watch". Everything you lay out makes perfect sense. The logic of what most women want and what their options/availability is, was pretty much the source of my depression/guilt in the past. This is one of the very few times I've connected all the dots and It feels like one of the biggest emotions burdens has been lifted. Thank you and cant wait to binge every one of your videos a bunch of times.
I LOVE this episode the most. I thought I understood what love is, but I didn't. Love to see your channel THRIVES!!!❤❤❤
I’ve never understood love anyway. My parents didn’t “love” each other, they devoted themselves in looking after each other in a constructive way. I carry this practice in my relationship now and have been told I can be a little cold sometimes by my MIL, basically the women on my husband’s side of the family.
As a woman, the only understanding of what is love is where it’s unconditional, the love for my child. That’s where the real epitome of love is felt!
Love typically flows down…god, man, women then child.
Well you had a bad example of how to actually show love, so you became comfortable with being cold, while warmth now feels weird. You just have to practice warmth, and find a good example of warmth to emulate.
It would be good to start learning and practicing being comfortable with showing affection and warmth toward your husband, so that you can provide an actual good example on how a good relationship works and feels between romantic partners. It's uncomfortable and it takes effort, but it's worth it so that your kid doesn't learn the same coldness. It's also worth it for yourself, because it helps you feel more fulfillment.
But, it wasn't an immaculate conception. The Trinity is holy for a reason. Child, Mother, Father. Rock, Paper, Scissors. Moe, Larry, Curly.
Spock, Kirk, McCoy.
@@Leoo117What do you define as 'warmth'?
@James Kamotho Warmth would be physical and verbal affection. Like hugs and uplifting and kind words. A smile is considered warm. Also, being able to listen to another person and take a real interest in what they are saying can be considered warmth. Taking the time to help a person with something is considered warmth, too. It could just be something small.
I’m so glad to hear this! women are often sold this idea ALOT more & told we’re supposed to focus on the intangibles. I’ve never believed this & I’m glad I focus on a man’s ability to provide etc. more than “LOVE”.
Providing is not love, it's transactional.
@@mbg9650 Did you not watch? Love has nothing to do with relationships. It is not enough.
@@mbg9650 relationships are transactional in nature. And that’s OKAY. Please be quiet because you’re WRONG.
Well said explains why I'm looking for a relationship with a wealthy man instead of the ex husband who couldn't provide for me and I thought I loved him...Any man who can provide and give me what I want I will be loyal to
And that is why men are not marrying. Once he loses that job, you’re gone. Love and loyalty will make you stay which is what most women lack.
Wow!! You are the very first professional that "sees" love and relationships from the same way! I use this approach in my practice!! Thank you for amplifying!
Word! 💯. Been sharing your work for the last 4 months to brothers who in turn have appreciated and benefited from your content. Great job 🫡
What you describe is unrequited love. The way i see love, is a genuine wish to see someone/something thrive, and expecting nothing in return
A wish is made in expectation of it becoming true. If you had no expectation of it becoming true, what would be the point of wishing?
From this viewpoint, there is no such thing called "conditional love", since it is not love to begin with, it is a transaction. Like how most Chinese parents raise their kids: they provide for their kids and expect their kids to perform well (for the goodness of the kids, to make the family proud, to fulfill their own dreams, etc.), and they would verbally and physically chasten their kids when expectations are not met. That is not love at all.
@@nflscarlzyy Why do people keep making the fallacy that the desire for someone to do something correctly means that you don't love them?
That is a fallacy.
You can love someone and simultaneously want your lives to be better.
You can love someone even if they fail to meet a standard you put on them. If you breakup with someone, that doesn't mean you automatically no longer love them. You can wish them the best and still love them. In any case, the love can exist before and after.
@@nflscarlzyy Some parents don't love their children. This is true. But that doesn't mean a parent has to fully surrender to anything and everything their children do and have no expectation of their children.
@@nflscarlzyy Think about it. There's both love and a relationship between parents and children. What you describe is the relationship part. But your child/parent bond is unconditional. There's nothing can happen that will stop you being a parent and a child and you get both get preferential treatment for being such, you can't trade it or sell it.
I was with you until 4:38. It isn’t true that “everything else we could get from another“ is worthless by comparison. All of the other transactional pieces of human relationships have a great deal of worth, and we would not be in these physical bodies in this physical reality if we were not meant to experience them. All of the wonderful things we experience, and even the heartache we experience at times because of all of these “other things,” give us a pallet of experiences from which to pick and choose colors on which the canvas of life is painted the meaning we assign them.
SO well put !! 🙏🏻 Thought of myself as a masochist when I could clearly taste the ecstasy of self annihilation in an intense, long, unreciprocated ‘love’ relationship. Now I understand. That’s also why I never regretted any of the suffering… It also justifies my current natural tendency of no longer ‘wanting’ a relationship. Could care less about That. 💐🎉😊
"Love won't save you Padme. only my new powers will"
**Proceeds to lose his limbs and BURN.
😂
Which begs the question. Didnt he love her? considering he sacrificed himself in preparation of her resurrection..
“I love you”
“LIAR”
😂😂😂
I hope that everyone will find the type of love that he is looking for.
Thank you for this video. I'm a 22 year old guy who has never been in a relationship or has never witnessed any type of intimacy with someone.
However i'm still looking forward for this type of relationship even though i got rejected countless times.
We are all together in it , never lose hope haha
45 year old man's advice for a 22 year old man: don't worry about love, it is usually a trap, get as much sex as you can.
You understand love.
I agree with everything you said in this video.
I feel like most people not only do not understand love, but may be effectively incapable of even feeling it, or recognizing it.
Totally makes sense to me… so great to have a different perspective on what relationships really is. There is this warped idea of what love really is and we have been so brainwashed by Hollywood 😂 Thank you for keeping it real. I really appreciate your perspective on things and how these ideas open my mind. ❤
Ironically he used 3 examples from Hollywood that showed real love (crouching tiger, casa blanca, and the James Bond movie)
Not really HOLLYWOOD but modern media. Womens magazines, and other crap.
Abandon Hollywood!!
This can also be proven on “love on the spectrum” ! They’re so present in their love and don’t really put any pressures on each other to achieve a certain outcome
I've watched you for more than a year now. Some of your videos, I've felt like have been very dark for me, but they made sense with my experiences too. I wondered what lied for your channel in the future given how world is right now, and your channel has grown. This video is one your bests. Absolutely well said, and thanks man.
I couldn't comprehend love. I thought love was an emotion. I see it as actions now. Patience, sacrificial, selfless, edifying. It's the most difficult thing.
True love is very rare in human relations.
'Love Is on it's way out' Morrissey
So a lot of us don’t love each other we just have transactional relationships 🤷🏾♂️
No no, it makes 100% sense. I've always suspected this but you said it out loud and I now know how to articulate it. Thank you so much, especially because this isn't a cynical approach... it's actually very freeing and encouraging because of it's intrinsic truth. Because there's nothing wrong with reciprocity when both get what they want from each other and from their own selves. When both win, that's as good as it gets. And contrastingly as you said, love is the opposite... the yang to the yin, so to speak. It's sacrificial as opposed to reciprocal. They can both happen within the confines of a connection between people, but not simultaneously... not at the same time.
This may be the most profound episode. The larger themes that you’re addressing will breeze over a lot of our heads, and really to no fault of many of us, because it is that nuanced an idea to follow. Will have to rewatch a few times
I had never on my life seen anything deeper than a man's eyes. It has much to express the unexpressed. His unconscious is in his eyes, which knows to speak better than any greatest speaker. He is a virtuous man. You gaze at him and he looks away, perhaps feeling shy. Love is subtle. Feelings that show in the eyes are real. Thanks.
A very honest comment on love and relationships, thank you, it's rare to hear people talking with honesty. I was wondering if I wanted a relationship in the future and you answered my question: No, I don't want to use people for my own gain as well as I don't want to sell myself for others. No way.
Love is higher and true. Love can be find anywhere: family, friends, animals, nature, ourselves, life itself. That's why, being yourself, love yourself, love your life, is what matter. If you want love, start to love!
He's talking about the heart, that unconditional state which is beyond traditional commitments, while those can only be sustained when it grows through that giving. This is far beyond where most of us seem to be.
this really puts into words what is so difficult to describe about my ex and myself. We had to separate recently despite our love for each other, never having fought , always wanting to be there for the other. The relationship wasn't working while the love has never left
You should be together even if there is dysfunction in the relationship. True love is so rare, as stated in the video. Mutual true love is like a museum specimen gem.
@@DuncanL7979 It is certainly rare. We tried staying together, but the sentiment was not enough to ignore the faults, not enough to move to the next level of the relationship. We weren't married, so there were no vows yet. I do not think it is wise to stay in a relationship, where I cannot commit to the next step, despite there being love. If fate wills it, we will be there for each other again one day, as friends or something else.
@@Leispada Big respect to you. You are THERE.
No fights and the relationship ‘wasn’t working’? I don’t understand.
@@jameswilkerson4412 Was wondering the same thing. The poster probably loves the poetry of it all but she was not 100% into that guy if she wasn't sure it would work. It's just a superb way to reject someone. True love just makes it work if no social barriers are in place (such as married to others etc).
Very refreshing to hear about love. Sometimes it seems the world has forgotten about this wonderful thing. I appreciate your point of view. One thing that I would like to add is that love in my opinion is more invaluable than valueless. This is especially evident in Parent Child relationships. Thank you for this thoughtful video.
I agree to all but the last sentence: There is a difference between lifting the needs of the other person above the own and downgrading your own value and competence. You can truly love a person AND be in a relationship with them THOUGH you are right that love is RARE and as far as I have seen in humans never absolute and constant
You can't love a bird and put it in a cage. That is delusional justification for selfish desires. That's equating strongly wanting to loving. If you love the bird, you want the best for it, which is to set it free.
If you loved a woman, you would be spending all day trying to find a better husband for her to marry.
Brother I’ve watched several of your videos and they usually give me some good ideas to ponder. Man, this one was different. It forced me to be honest with myself and consider the fact that love is free and it isn’t transactional. I hadn’t had this idea put to me in quite the same way before. I mean it’s like you read my mind and beautifuly put it into the words that anyone could grasp. I’m not saying this to the extent that it moved me but thank you