Why most MARRIAGES FAIL: you are not enough people
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- čas přidán 19. 06. 2023
- The divorce rate in the Western world is terrifying. How have we arrived at the point where a marriage is more likely to end in divorce than not? It's a complicated question, but I'd like to offer a contributing factor that is often overlooked, namely: that marriage -- as a fundamentally humble institution -- was not designed to support all of the additional weight it has taken on in recent history. In the words of Kurt Vonnegut, your marriage is struggling because "you are not enough people." And you were never meant to be.
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #marriage #divorce
My wife and I are the most boring people imaginable - and have been happily married for 20 years. 😀 Our expectations of each other have always been low, and these very low expectations have always been perfectly fulfilled. 😄
Sounds ideal to me. What are the expectations? Do either of you deal with the expectations changing (and if they don't change, how do you keep them leveled)?
Share your secrets mate 😂
I often find the people who are critically astute and self aware enough to describe themselves as boring. Often are very far from boring.......Heres to many more years of your marriage. Sadly my own just failed to make 20 years and we divorced at 19 years......
I love this
@@matthewcoombs3282 That's unfortunate :( If I may ask, what was the reason why you both divorced?
Most people do not have the mental stability, calmness and patience for the monotony and stability of a traditional 50 year marriage. If you're someone who needs drama, chaos, excitement, thrills, spills, etc hook up culture is probably a better option. People need to figure out their psychology and then choose marriage or hook ups.
Superbly put!
Spot on! 💯
Developed world only accounts for 17% of the world's population. Take away societies among them that partially retained their traditions, such as Russia and Japan, it's even less. Majority of "people" did, and does have stable marriage, without being any more or less human than the absolute minority of the world's population you're familiar with.
@@georgedang449 My comments relate specifically to the Western world only. Obviously, in less economically developed countries marriages survive (just like they did in the past in the Western world) because both people need each other to survive. However, we are now in unique times where neither spouse needs each other due to both people having jobs, family courts transferring money and assets, etc.
Mm, that is a great comment! Let's vote it up!
What I got from this episode is this, most marriages don't work today because of unrealistic expectations towards marriage.
Have to hope same expectations and interests.
"Marriage is a humble institution to raise childern" well put.
But women don’t want to be in a « situation » just to have children & to do domestic labour without the romance … that’s why they are filing for divorce (and not the men, who seem comfortable enough ) … women don’t want a lot of people to talk to per se … they want romance :-) And they don’t want the physical aspect of a relationship if the romance is not there …. That’s why the marriage institution only works when women are dependent on men … when they are independent … well, they’re not satisfied with what the institution is offering them
My parents ARE all things to each other and it's friggin weird. They tell each other everything, support and confide in each other in every way possible, and still look at each other like teenagers with lovey dovey eyes even after 41 years of marriage. As I grew up and became an adult myself, I realized just how *shockingly rare* this type of total compatibility is between spouses, and that my folks are the exception, not the rule, for what a marriage looks like.
This is very possible if both people truly love each other and nurture the relationship!
Different generation.
I just read a comment. " Marriage is hard. But divorce is 10 times harder. " That scares me. I'm very blessed. I love my job and make decent money. My marriage is another story. I love my wife. I don't want anyone else. I like things simple. I can't handle indecisiveness. I get short and lose my cool. When my simple world of working my easy 45 hours per week. An raising our 3 kids. Keeping the home in order. Just the Necessary things. When that gets clouded with BS. I lose my cool. That's on me. I have a short temper. It has gotten better. My wife gives it sex once a week. But I have to beg her. That is something I can't get used to. I never in my life had to beg for some love making. I would never cheat but it feels disgusting when I beg. Well it is disgusting. I like this channel. I just subbed.
Russian roulette baby!!
My parents are also old school married over 40 years, but my mom never worked, my dad always provided for her, she probably didn't have many if any sexual partners before my dad (they married pretty young) and even THEN, she has wanted to divorce multiple times, and my dad is constantly having to care for her mental illnesses and other issues, while she still goes on temper tantrums every now and then blaming everyone for her problems.
So yeah, different generation, but they seem pretty miserable at times and nowadays I just think they would have been happier single or having tried different partners.
Experienced divorce attorney here. I approve of this video. Most people have no idea what their rights and responsibilities are under the law when they get married. Nearly all people have no idea how difficult, stressful, and expensive a divorce can be. I suggest that you focus on becoming the very best version of yourself. Do the things that bring you joy. Level up in all areas of your life. You can still have terrific intimate relationships and even have children without bringing state law into your life in the event the marriage becomes non-functioning and someone files for divorce.
Excellent advice. I wish I knew all of this and could do it over before going through two failed marriages - which resulted in two divorces, two contentious and acrimonious custody disputes, and incurring well over $300,000 in expenses and debt to pay for the divorces and custody legal proceedings over ten years.
I subscribed to your channel. Thank you for your service.
@@ObiAmajoyiSrMD you are welcome!
Women are narcissists
@@jcnlaw How can you have children without bringing the state law in to your life? You'd still be responsible for alimony for the rest of your life if she determines she wants the kids to herself. I want children, but I'm not sure how to approach this in the most legally sensible manner.
Thanks!! First attorney who is recommending not marrying! I have been telling men if they really want to marry they should file for legal separation the day after marriage and file for a parenting plan after every child. Its several court filings and a lot of legal headache, just to give some protection against getting looted in divorce. For most men its not worth it.
Marriage is primarily a financial arrangement. That’s how our accountant explained it to us forty five years ago. We found it both helpful and amusing at the same time.
No, it's a social arrangement.
@@tancreddehauteville764 the one doesn’t preclude the other.u
@@tancreddehauteville764If you think it is a social arrangement, what causes the greatest amount of friction during divorce? It certainly isn't the social aspect of the marital relationship, is it?
From the perspective of the Law ... it's a financial arrangement. If people marry with the goal to raise a child ... it's a social arrangement. It can be both at the same time. 🤔
Here here! As a single, divorced woman I decided to remain single and celibate 33 years ago after a 9 year marriage. By nurturing strong links with extended family, friends, neighbours and coworkers (the last until retirement), most of my relational needs are met, to be honest, better than they ever were when I was married. Marriage prompts you to turn inwards unrealistically expecting your partner to meet all your needs and fantasies. Ridiculous. Life has been so much better for me with a wider range of different connections.
And what about physical intimacy? Who is providing this?
His hand@@captainnemo6048
@@captainnemo6048 she is saying she doesn't need that...that's her point lol
Marriage is a partnership with roles, responsibilities and expectations, not a never ending romance.
Exactly. In fact, romance has little to do with marriage.
Tell that to my ex.
The romance ends before the ink dries.
Brilliantly said
Then y do men keep asking for love ?
I'm a 56 year-old male divorced and I live in the midwest I listen to many of your talks now I'm not a therapist never been a therapist but I tell you my experience is exactly what you say it about 99% of your videos. Especially the interactions with women. I love listening to your videos man keep up the good work good advice for young guys for sure
So what's your main takeaway from all of this, then?
Same here living in Washington.
@@eladbarithe take away is that we (as a society) have taken something basic and essential and have added so many additional burden to it that’s is no longer functional. Marriage is dead and we just have wait till it gets so f-ed up that we try to come up with a new solution. Similar to prohibition. The current system is still beneficial to women and the tradition of marriage goes very far back. It takes time.
@@markmarcas6523 Is it society which added more checkboxes for marriage? Or vvomen added them?
Also, what are these extra checkboxes? If the basic traditional ones were to support each other+to have kids, then what was added nowadays?
@@eladbari LOL Well i stopped dating about 10 years ago. I've got two adult children and in my post-divorce dating experience, no matter what a woman TOLD me, they were always looking for a better deal. Just like the good doctor says women are loyal to their feelings. and if they have decided you aren't what they want anymore, they won't tell you or even act different until they have someone else lined up. to me, that's called cheating but that's because I'm loyal to my commitments just like the doctor says. when I ended my marriage my ex-wife rifled through my email, phone, etc I caught her a few times and I said go ahead keep looking you won't find anything cause I ended this with integrity. I watched so many friends cheat their way out and the ones that suffer the most when that happens are the kids cause everyone is pissed and hurt and caught up in the drama and no one is there to help the kids cope. I certainly made my share of mistakes as a husband and a father but I handled the end of it exactly the way I wanted to and have no regrets.
Love the theme - marriage needs to be built on simplicity, pragmatic open mindedness, and humility.
Wise words.
This is probably the most profound take on marriage I have ever come across
Mr Taraban, your channel deserves far more subs. Really high quality insight and thought provoking content.
It is a new channel relatively. There is a reason I subscribed just a few months a go and since then he has tripled subscribers and quadrapled views.
One of the best I've discovered
The government never should have been involved in relationships between people. What a disaster.
Marriage starts off with love, just and passion. It then quickly reverts to the practical realities of life. One or both partners then are disappointed that the fantasy is over and blame their partner. They also falsely think they can recapture that original feeling with someone else. But reality always intervenes. It takes enormous maturity to be happily married.
I've been thinking about this a lot recently. My idea was that people don't understand the purpose of marriage and give up too easy when something doesn't work out. I'm glad to find a similar yet more advanced opinion
Absolutely true, I think that’s why everyone gets divorced 35-40. That’s when families stop being social, and friends grow apart
Super interesting point. Then, if that's the natural course of families, who close down their circle..then why does nature acts this way?
It's the same thing I ask about regarding other natural phenomenon's like depressוon after giving birth/"Baby blues"- Why the hell does nature cases it? It goes against any logic.
@@eladbari are you sure those things are natural phenomena though?
@@B0K1T0 Good question. If it became "logical" to take a J4b so that way you protect others (which is against science and nature) - then maybe many other unnatural things got normalized in society - like closing your gates after you established a family....And who knows what else...
40 years of age normally introduces humans to wisdom. What is this wisdom? Patience, reconciliation and staying the course. Where these virtues work in a predominantly religious culture, these same "boring" ideas are unsustainable in a predominantly secular (hedonistic) culture.
Totally agree. Unrealistic and overwhelming expectations are the formula to failure. We must have a conversation of the expectations before we go down that route.
My husband is my great love, best friend, great father for our son. I love all parts of him and I DON't WANT TO CHANGE HIM. Life is so much better with him and can even think about a life without him, that's boring :) But together we have a simple, boring and great life.
Damn, i hope i find something thats like what you guys have.
Another banger of a video. My ex wife came to this realization a bit too late after divorce. There’s no animosity but she admitted to looking at me to ‘make her happy’
Once she showed compassion and accountability for ending it, we began to rebuild our co-parenting relationship. A unicorn scenario for sure as we are good friends now.
You're a better man than me, though she hasn't accepted her role in ours failing. She can go love herself
I have rarely seen accountability like you describe. 28 years of marriage and she decided to go back in time and have an affair with her HS boyfriend. Ruined the family and the marriage. I really have no interest in having anything to do with her. I still remember after 10 years of a sexless marriage she told me my happiness was my own responsibility. What the hell does that mean? Well after the divorce I met a wonderful younger, more beautiful woman who really does care to make me happy. I take it that’s what she meant. I’m married and happy and she’s still single and miserable and seeing a therapist. That green grass turned out to be a barren wasteland…for her. Careful what you wish for.
My wife and I had an amicable divorce, no lawyers just a mediator. No custody battle as the kids were over 18 (just). She was bored and wanted romance again. 50:50 split of money. We are friendly - we still meet up to celebrate the kids' birthdays and get together for at least one day at Christmas, and at Easter, without animosity. However, I would never say we are "friends". A friend is someone who supports you in bad times, a shoulder to cry on - and you likewise return that support. The relationship between friends is unconditional and non-judgmental. Do you really have that relationship with your ex? If you had another sexual partnership that failed, is she someone you would go to for comfort and support?
Exactly. When divorcing you become business partners. Your shared interest is the wellbeing of the kids.
When kids go from one parent to the next it is like traversing a dangerous bridge. Make the bridge safe by bestowing trust to the kids that they will be OK, going from one patent to the next, and that you both love them. Never speak badly of the other parent, that shakes the bridge. Show trust.
The kids will eventually figure out on their own who is the more trustworthy parent, but always show support for them to allow them to love the other parent, whatever you both may think of each other. Kids were conceived in love so keep reinforcing that bond within them, if you mean them well.
Oh dear. She sounds very immature.
Marriages are laying ground for future big families that come together and work together against the societal and other human struggles. It’s not only about the children. Its also about grandchildren, grand grandchildren and the future successful continuation of your bloodline.
I guess it no longer is
Not anymore. In the "me me me" culture, teamwork ain't a thing anymore. I felt more happy working with my bros at the construction site than with any woman. Sometimes I wish we were all born gay.
Everyone could make a marriage contract and personally define what the goal of the marriage is. 🤔
‘A “survival strategy”, our species has been using for a while’ I guess there’s some truth there
True for my family. So far, we have eight awesome grandchildren.
By far the best and most accurate breakdown of modern marriage. Thank you for this incredible insight. I shall spread this news far and wide!
That certainly clears a lot of things up for me; marriages today generally look like complete jokes to me.
I came to this realization quite some time ago, but I've found it challenging to help others grasp and find solace in the same idea. It's simply unreasonable to assume one person can be all things to another. In my view, the potential for a fulfilling marriage significantly increases when we free it from the burden of unrealistic expectations. Maintaining our friendships, cherishing our family relationships, and pursuing our passions should not be abandoned; doing so, in fact, could enhance our chances of cultivating a successful marriage. Excellent video!
The question is: what is the point of a marriage if you need many other people in your life anyway? I mean, you have friends, you have coworkers, you can have sex without a relationship, even kids! So why bother marrying and becoming miserable then?
@@sontodosnarcos "you can have sex without a relationship .." This is "relatively" new, since the .. 1950s (where sex didn't result in pregnancy)? Also, really until the most recent (4th?) wave of feminism, w0men typically were more reserved when it came to s3x.
Excellent comment.
At its core Marriage was never intended to fulfill all of our needs. For example, God described Eve in the Book of Genesis as a creature that would help Adam by joining him in fulfilling mankind's ultimate calling and purpose to (1)bear the image of God together, (2)rule over the earth righteously as God's representatives, and (3)be fruitful and multiply. God didn't say that not being alone anymore was all that Adam needed to live a happy and fulfilling life. He said that it wasn't good for him to be alone because he could not fulfill his destiny without a "suitable Helper." We all need each other, but not like we need God to give meaning and purpose to our lives and the power to fulfill our destiny as Holy Image Bearers.
@@sontodosnarcos I don't think I'm gonna have someone live under my roof without being part of my family. Marriage seems pretty good for that.
And a life-long companion? That seems pretty good too.
@@sontodosnarcos BEcause while you can have kids outside of marriage. Doing so leaves the mother as the only human being responsible for those kids. Marriage is about forcing two people to be accountable and responsible for RAISING the kids. And no a woman or a community of women CANNOT raise kids. kids need to see positive masculine and feminine figures in their life to grow up well functioning.
Put another way Marriage is a job. The wife's primary roll is to have the kids raise them and keep the household together. The husbands primary roll is to provide resources and protection. This teaches children responsibility and gives them a life long example of someone fullfilling responsibilities of both gender and what it looks like. It also demonstrates the fact that both genders are different. they socialize different and perceive the world differently because the roles they are needed to fill can only be filled by human beings who have been socialized in a particular way.
Fine work as usual! The history lesson helped! 👍🏼
This man puts his money where his mouth is.
You are spittin so much truth, definitely becoming a fan of your videos. Keep up the great work!
Thank you....honestly. You may have just helped my marriage. We have had a lot of struggles lately and these words will guide me in the conversation I intend on having in the morning
How'd it go?
First time I've heard this so distilled, but it seems to line up with my observations. I remember my grandparents who were married in the 1920's. Their relationship was much simpler than what exists today. And my own marriage fell for the reasons you listed: I was not enough people.
By the fact that it wasn't your spouse who wasn't enough people I know you're a man.
@@jonathanjuru1140 you are correct. 👍
@5:44 ***IRONY ALERT! - The MORE people there are to talk to and hang out with (i.e-what men+vvomen want) - the MORE bad influence there is on them, as comparing & contrasting occur, so the vvoman wants more and more of what she doesn't have (leading to the D word). Yet, returning to simplicity, means separating yourself from society, i.e- having less people to talk to & hang out with - which also leads to the D-word. So...? What's going on here exactly...? You say you were "not enough people" for your wוfe. Were you secluded from society? Or vice versa? You were surrounded by people which led to her comparison/not feeling like she has enough like her friends?
@@eladbari Well thought out questions. I really like how you see the irony. That is an issue. And, in some ways, may be insurmountable. I would add that moving to a simpler life style doesn't mean less people to visit with. We hung out with like minded people until..... She plugged into Book o' Faces like an IV.
I am not on social media per se: book o' face, and the other similar type sites. I do watch YT for education and illumination. She was on BoF all the time. She became consumed with comparing her life with what she saw. I was the sole provider and was keeping to our plans of coming retirement. She abruptly changed focus and wanted world travel, expensive clothes, etc. that wasn't in the budget... ever. She began to take vacations to visit family, I wasn't invited. They helped fund her trips. They lived a majorly different lifestyle than we did. She was completely changed and killed our 40 year marriage looking for "happiness". Something we had an excess of until she began to feed on social media and became dissatisfied.
If you hang out with people that are following all the current trends and live empty shallow lives, there isn't a good outcome. Chasing more, new, and expensive is a recipe for depression. If you can find like minded people, that share your goals and values, the chances improve somewhat. All that to say, there are no guarantees. The first 25 years were decently good. The last 15 sucked anus. People change over time. I try to focus on the good times we had, and keep moving forward. Thanks for the great questions. I hope I was concise and clear.
@@stxrynnVery good explanation.
Good talk. When I was vetting my now wife, I asked her what was her expectations towards her marriage partner, what priority does she place family and children, and what were her goals for marriage. Her terms and expectations were reasonable so she eventually became my wife. We've been married 23 years now and our oldest is headed off to college on scholarship.
I wish you were advising me when I was a young man. Unfortunately, the wrong head was doing my thinking for me.
You are an amazingly insightful man! You thoughtfully discussed with and basically interviewed your future wife about your future marriage! Congratulations on 23 years of being married!
Well done young man. This is likely the most rational and logical treatise on the definition of, and purpose of marriage that I’ve encountered. You have earned yourself a sub! 😊🙏
Don't forget that the concept of marriage was created to merge finances and improve a family's status and power. It was also never about the couple historically speaking. You are the first person I see that shows the reality of marriage. Thank you!
👏
Most marriages fail because people were not mature/experienced enough or not compatible enough to maintain a relationship for that long. Then there's also getting together for the wrong reasons (horny, the other person served a purpose/satisfied a need at the time, etc).
Self-awareness is something seriously lacking in today's world, yet it's necessary for so many things. That's why the social climate is the way it is.
Amen, when the “mindfulness” movement got really bit 6/7 years ago I thought things where going to be night and day than what they are now, I thought people where finally going to prioritize self awarness and healthy habits/practices that would lead to building self awareness as a whole but hell man it seems to have gotten worse
No. Self Righteousness is the official pIague of 2023. In such times, where no one is connected to their purpose in life. Just wage slaves- then comes along the pr0gressוve storm that sweeps so many people with feeling justice is with them so the Karen era begins. So many industries are built upon self-righteousness, where the biggest losers are you & me, as these self-righteous people help shove agendas into everyday people.
Do you think a bunch of 16-20 years old back then had any "maturity /experience" to comprehend what they were getting into? The only reason marriages were much more long-lasting back then was because of peer pressure and women were not so handsomely rewarded for initiating divorce.
@@zendao7967 They certainly weren't brought up the way younger people are now today. They didn't have as many distractions or stuff working against them. Typically they were a bit more mature because of the work they had to do from a young age. They didn't just sit around on their phones, smoke weed and masturbate all day.
@@88Padilla That legit made me crack up at the end, there, because YOU. ARE. CORRECT. So many distractions and for absolutely no reason! It's no wonder a good mass of people can't focus for more than five seconds.
Preaching to a brick wall at this point. I have a sister and female cousins, and from my observations of them and the sisterhood, they will put it through one ear, take it out of the other and continue with their reckless lifestyles lol
It's good as done gentlemen. Be prepared to watch this all burn to the ground.
What a brilliant and a fresh view. Thank you very much for sharing!
Excellent video. The most valuable contribution you make is the theme that underpins all your videos i.e. the application of reality and raw truth allied with commonsense. You extract the essentials of any given dynamic and let the rest float away as unwanted chaff. So refreshing.
In my marriage of ten years (which included three children), one of the biggest mistakes we made could be summarized by a song we really liked when we were dating in 2005. This is from Snow Patrol's wildly popular hit _Chasing Cars_
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
We had a difficult time developing couples friends, we moved to a couple of different states for various reasons, and eventually we tried to find everything in the other person. I learned later that this is like both of you being under the covers and breathing each other's oxygen.
The truth is, we weren't ever meant to be everything to each other. That was a false ideal that a good marriage is when your partner is your "everything."
For many other reasons, this marriage failed. I had plenty to do with it, but one of them was not finding a healthy social network outside of ourselves and outside the internet. We turned to some very toxic subcultures like the swinging/poly subcultures that just wreaked havoc through any of the good pillars our marriage actually had.
I remember giving my (at the time) wife the day off to go do whatever she'd like while I stayed home and took care of the kids. I gave her this every Wednesday (which I always had off) so that I could give the kids my undivided attention, and she could get some fresh air and meet people and develop hobbies. After two or three of these Wednesdays, she eventually called me less than an hour after leaving, crying, and saying, "I don't know what to do!"
We were addicted to each other being our everything.
Now, in my current relationship (which is monogamous), we give each other lots more space, we have our own individual groups of friends we hang out with, we have couples friends we hang out with, I have guy friends I talk to and do things with, she has girl friends she talks with. We know we are not "everything" to each other, which makes us appreciate the actual value we bring to each other's lives.
So. Much. Healthier.
Quite right, Dr. Taraban. You are not enough people, and no one person will be enough for you.
@@eladbari Places I have been able to find male friendship:
1. Hitting up people from school that I enjoyed spending time with. Yes, even if it was a long time ago.
2. Church, finding someone who you feel a connection with and finding out if they want to meet up for anything you enjoyable you share in common.
3. Therapy Groups, 12 Step Groups
Unlike friendships with women, who are often content to go on a coffee date or whatever and talk for a long time, I find men generally respond well to a "Let's work on a goal" activity and will move things around to make it happen.
Men who do not do things outside of their families are not in the best place. Yes, your family needs attention and that's important. But it's also important that you, just like your wife, finds some time to breathe outside of the relationship.
Just think about the things you enjoy doing and see if anyone is willing to try it with you. Like, my buddy since 1st grade, who lives a few states over, is willing to try ROMHacking with me. He's now got years of experience as a programmer and I enjoy retro emulation. So we're trying things.
Men tend to light up when you give them a problem to solve.
@@eladbari Bumble has buddies to hang out with. I never tried but I thought it may be interesting.
@@eladbari -- yes, I saw it. It is called bff: bumble for friends.
10 yrs is right on time
Were both of you fat redditors and with blue hair? Asking because of the poly thing
I remember reading a study about the number 1 factor in a successful long marriage is companionship. I remember a time in my life when I had multiple, good friendships. Each one of those friends fulfilled a different need of mine -- intellectual conversation, humor, shared hobbies, partiers, professional, etc. Then I had my romantic relationship which fulfilled my sexual desire and a fundamental/general friendship at the same time. It starts to make more sense that marriages that last also have shared backgrounds and values because when you have that, so much of it is already in auto-pilot.
Number one for keeping a marriage and losing it is money, nothing else
Did you watch the video?
I thought modern marriages fails because women now have the ability to out earn their spouse & have access to men globally vs locally via the internet, which both feed into their hypergamous nature. Also, both the act of getting married and getting dovorced usually heavily favors the woman in most cases. I could be wrong though
It's propably both among other reasons.
Well encapsulated
That's certainly a factor but divorce rates were near 40%+ back in the 80's before women were financially independent and way before the internet.
@@metaLungiez Do you have any data of pre-feminism vs post-feminism divorce rates?
304's
This Chanel is 🔥 bro. It articulates my thoughts on these subjects magnificently
The topic was interesting and insightful but I really must say that you structured your points and the way you articulated them was a masterclass.
Dr. Taraban, in the middle of a divorce and your videos really help me. To cope, to understand and to try to become a better person. Thank you.
I’ve been watching your videos just about every day for a month now and I’m still blown away at just how rational you get when it comes to common topics that cause so many people such frustration and confusion. I’ve had some of these thoughts about marriage but never put them into words like this. I wanna send this to all my married friends lol
Absolutely concise and profound. Well done doc. I've had similar thoughts in the past, glad that you worded them better than me...
Wow. Thanks you so much for this. It was simple yet profoundly eye opening.
OMG! if churchses included this little nugget in their marriage service, it would save everyone a world of hurt. Thank you.
This guy is actually a real-life comedian the great humor cuz it sounds like he's being sarcastic but he's really giving you good information
man you be spittin i really appreciate you putting this content out
ever since i saw the first of yours that came up for me i haven’t stopped listening keep pushing 🤞🏾
Thanks! Great insights to be had in many of your clips.
It’s mind blowing! Thanks for sharing. Really not something I have ever heard being said before in all my 31 years. Helps to understand the failure of my first marriage better. I learn a lot from your channel!
Complexity is the enemy of reliability.
Well said, just like cars, the more complex parts it has the less reliable it will be on the long run.
Exactly correct….marriage is a humble partnership but if you are married to a narcissist, forget it. You will never be enough even if you are a great mother, wife.
Excellent analysis and explanation. Thanks much for sharing this!...
I'm grateful to have realized a great deal of truth, especially around marriage and relationships at a relatively young age. Marriage is so easy to get tempted by when you are young and full of hormones, watching Hollywood fantasies of what happiness and the good life is. In reality, relationships can be pretty good if you are with the right one, marriage and children requires you to consider deeply and knowing yourself completely.
Likewise, I avoided engaging in the whole deal until I felt mature enough to deal with it. Now I feel so, but am too poor to even look for a girl
Been married twice and after about 10 years each wife got bored/unhappy and cheated, I immediately dumped the 1st wife & stuck around with the 2nd wife because we have kids. My attitude is I was happy with life without a woman & don't need a woman to enjoy life, since cheating she is not allowed into the bedroom and sleeps on the couch.
Agreed! Marriage and children does require deep consideration as should any major decision. I'm not sure that we should have "knowing yourself completely" as a prerequisite though. I don't know anyone who knows themselves completely and if there is someone who does, they are probably well past their potential years of parenting. It's probably better to look at marriage as two people building a single and better life together (otherwise why bother with a relationship) as opposed to two people who "know" themselves with already established and uncompromising lives trying to "fit" each other's moulds. I think that may be why it seems that marriages that do last are marriages that started young. With regard to the children, it's likely that the marriage is actually for them. That is to say, the married parents do not know themselves completely but are evolving complimentary counterparts to each other for the children. An example, one parent has a bad habit of not tidying up after themself; the other parent corrects that bad habit by providing an impetus to change (Anything from a full blown argument to a suggestion). That bad habit is less likely to pass on to the children. It isn't just bad habits, it can be destructive behaviours or incorrect views of reality that get nipped before the kids can adopt them.
We wait until we think we,re ready. Only to find that everyone else was ,,ready,, ten years ago, and are no longer available 😠🥴!
@@rukbiiboi People do not change in seed. That seed may grow, but they don't change. Irreconcilable differences are real. Divorce is here to stay and since most young people get their marital selection wrong, there should be more divorce, not less.
Society needs to teach people how to do divorce the right way without compromising the family, not moralize on them not to do it. They will anyway, bc irreconcilable differences are unbearable.
This reminds me of the (somewhat connected) saying: "children are expensive". To which the reality is that children are as expensive as you make them. Kids are actually happy with relatively little.
We've made marriage about something it's not and never was supposed to be. And by "we", obviously in essence that means women. Men are fairly content with relatively little.
Women complicate things terribly by constantly needing more. They refuse to see that though, so it's insoluble.
Absolutely. As a male, I'm used to getting everything I want for myself - I don't rely on or expect others to provide for me. A woman provides for me only the things I can't get for myself - hence why I only need relatively little from her. Conversely, Mrs Toad has a long list of things I need to provide - materially, physically, emotionally. She says herself that she is satisfied with me because I manage to tick ALL of her many boxes and she is impressed that I can do so. Is it worth the effort? Only because she provides lots of something I can't do for myself - a fun bedroom, lots of children, and a complete home.
@@toadman5184 Well formulated. And by modern standards you're doing VERY well if she can see she's receiving a net benefit. Despite the fact women demonstrably demand more than men from a relationship, most women STILL seem to think they get the sh!tty end of the stick out of the deal.
It's THAT cognitive disconnect thats actually at the heart of the matter.
Men will voluntarily give more than they receive without complaint. They understand it's the natural way of things. Unfortunately that proves immaterial because it's only the woman's perception of the situation that matters.
100%. I know two people that have kids, they live in a 600 square foot house. The kids are extremely intelligent and happy. Happier than I bet most kids and families in huge homes are. They drive older used cars. They've made the decision to live simply. Many women aren't down for that and want a pack mule to provide a higher lifestyle.
Ah Sammy, there will be a reckoning... Indeed it's arrived!
We do need "more" though. A man sitting around like a bump on a log after work (when both work full time) isn't going to cut it in current times.
This is exactly why my marriage is failing. I am just not enough no matter how much I twist myself inside out to appease or accommodate her needs.
Your analysis never ceases to amaze me!
I am so thankful to hear this stated in such a clear and concise manner. This is exactly the way I felt after my children were born. I visualize my day as a pie chart. It was challenging enough to think I had to try to keep my wife happy when we were childless. We had fun together and mostly got along. Once the children were here, I realized that there is a zero sum game. I literally take time after work to spend time individually with each child one-on-one. Previously my life was split between work, wife, working out/leisure/hobbies/education, and home stuff. If there are 24 hours then at least 10 are work and commuting. 8 hours are sleeping. At least 3 hours are home stuff (cooking, shopping, cleaning, fixing things, paperwork). That leaves 3 hours for the wife (including sex when it happens). But, that 3 hours with the wife can’t be like a date between single people. Plus with the children it becomes more like half an hour. I have to spread out my anecdotes so I don’t repeat my material. It’s harder to pull off spontaneity when most of your life requires consistency and dependability. I liken it to how it’s more difficult to plan a surprise party in your home for the person that shares your home and bed. And to me that’s how I feel when my wife feels like I’m not meeting her needs for attention. She feels like she takes a back seat to all the other things. Yet I wouldn’t have her without all the other things: work, home stuff, leisure (so I’m not boring and feel happy) and sleep (so I’m able to perform at anything). Now you add children to that mix and maybe aging parents. There are more jobs and the same amount of me. Yet my wife will miss the passion we had when dating when we had fewer responsibilities. Sadly, I adapted to her physical and sexual changes. But, she has not kept up with my real only requirement of her which is being kind to me. I think the modern discourse would say that she can’t authentically be kind to you when her needs aren’t being met. Yet I’m calling BS. You have to both give to each other. It’s difficult to be affectionate when your partner has a negative approach to you. Next throw in menopause and you have thrown a match onto kerosene.
Yeah dude, people in the West think their conditions are responsible for their emotions. You shoulda married a Buddhist who meditates on love and compassion and continually works their entire life to remove emotions like being critical-minded and annoyed, and replaces them with kindness. Most Westerners think their emotions are completely uncontrollable. Most wives think their bad mood is from their husband and most husbands think their bad mood is from their wives. No, it only exists inside of you and you are responsible for it.
Wish all that was required of me was to be kind, that would be easy.
Leave her. Get your time back.
I hear you Brian. My 21 year marriage went down the same route. At some point she developed resentment towards me which grew over time.
She loved the benefits of my career progression but wasn’t willing to share the burdens (my exhaustion being the most obvious and me not realising my responsibility to still be her director of entertainment which I failed at).
I wasn’t enough people for her.
I hear what you are saying about your limited time but I still urge you to develop yourself outside of your familial obligations.
Go to gym, excel at hobbies, meet make friends outside work etc.
Making your life smaller, instead of somehow finding time for yourself will make her resent you more.
The more I gave my wife in say taking on some of her domestic duties had the opposite effect of what I was hoping for in that she both resented me more and became more miserable.
Stop doing the cleaning now, do the things I mentioned and plan for your next fun thing to do together.
Even ignoring 100% of my advice, good luck Brian.
This sounds like hell
The vast majority of marriages now are deeply co-dependent. The expectation is they will spend as much time with each other as humanly possible.
Men are generally not allowed friendships that aren’t couples.
It is a vicious pairing off that is not healthy.
...and familiarity breeds contempt. It's a recipe for disaster.
Damn, that's a spoonful of truth. I see men in marriages. VVife goes all over the place, hanging out with friends, going to numerous gatherings of femaIe communities, yet, the husbands stay at home, not going out much. Not a lot of guy friends or male circles. Just going to work and back home to help with the kids. Whats up with that asymmetry.?
@@eladbari exactly what happened to me… minus the kids as it never went that far. I had nothing bar my work. If I went anywhere I got questioned and harassed. Simply wasn’t worth it…
First time I've watched your program.
The best information and advise ever.
Absolutely brilliant. The analysis was deep & historically penetrating.
I am a sociologist from Germany. And a famous German sociologist, Niklas Luhmann, once said that the reason for the end of marriage is the romance, which became an inner reality, although it is only an ideal.
how do you keep the romance going from a sociologist standpoint
@@JJ-vp3bdYou can’t. Attraction and romance is an irrational feeling and spark that we do not have control over. Once attraction is gone, it’s usually an uphill battle to reignite it again. Why? Because you can’t rationally work for “attraction”. It’s either there, or it isn’t.
Gibt's doch gar nicht 😉
Great talk, spot on. I am saying this divorcing my wife after 15 years, the cult of 2 did not lead anywhere.
Best video I've seen on marriage by anyone for quite awhile!
I think this is the most sense I have heard anybody talking on CZcams in some time - well done! This should be taught in schools.
This is probably the most enlightening philosophy I have witnessed.
Blew my mind!
I love your no bullshit approach to the topics you speak about. It gets right to the point.
The oart about work really hit home. My older sister has been living with me for almost a year now. She quit her teaching job because it became too much during covid. She's still here because shes been applying for jobs, but she hasn't been hired yet because she's been applying for jobs way outside her field of expertise. She's been trying to find the perfect job. A dream job. One where she loves it, makes a shit ton of money, and can also work form home of she wants. So of course she's been shot down over and over. I finally had to talk about this. You don't have to love your job. It would be awesome, but it's a nothing but a dream for the vast majority of people. Find a job you can stand that takes care of you and just go with it. Find your happiness outside of work. She had a job less than two weeks later.
You hit it. You have to at least be able to stand the work you do. It's not about finding the dream job, but finding somewhere that you can fit in & be comfortable & productive.
That's called being a good leader my friend.
Totally agree you can't have it all. But, a job that is disconnected from your purpose/talent in life, just making sure you can "stand it" - sounds like a horror movie. It creeps in quietly, but you'll feel it after a couple of years.
@eladbari I would say thats because people want too much. Everyone can't be happy with their work. It's just impossible. And that's OK. If you can tolerate your work environment, and they take care of you, then thats enough. At least it is for me. I have plenty outside of my work that can make me happy. You can't be happy all the time. Amd I'd say that's not even a realistic or achievable goal. To believe otherwise is to live in a fantasy
A dream job that she loves, where she can have lots of money, and work from home. Why not just marry a man with money and be a stay at home mom?
OMG....I Love this lesson this morning. New Subscriber, straight and to the point and not long and drawn out💛💙
Doc, this is just splendid! The BEST oratory explanation why most modern marriages fail. So, so, true. Glad I subscribed!
Great video Dr. Taraban. You are right when you say marriage needs to go back to its intended simplicity. But it won't happen.
This is brilliantly explained. More people need to hear it.
How Extremely Interesting!!! Thank U for sharing such a 'different from the norm' viewpoint!! I feel I learned something very valuable today! 🙏💗👍
Well said I love content you put out continue the amazing work !!!
Im amazed on how eloquent and non polarized is your content and the way you surgically take your content and explain in a professional manner.
Keep it up!
I'm 39, and basically just stopped dating at this point. Women that I've tried dating either want to run off and get married, like tomorrow, or they don't want a monogamous relationship at all. I want a monogamous relationship, no marriage, and no cohabitation. I just want a girlfriend for companionship, sex, someone to hang out with. Women either want one extreme or the other. I don't understand their obsession with marriage and living together. I like living alone, theres no person on this planet that I want to be around every single day. Not to mention, living together just makes most couples hate each other eventually. You can't miss someone who's hanging on your back every second of the day. And when I try to explain this to women (in a tactful way) then they act like there's something wrong with being in a relationship with someone just for the sake of being in a relationship with someone. I don't understand what's so wrong with that. And I would much rather just be single forever than ever get married. There is absolutely zero incentive me to get married. And since I'm not trying to have kidsz, then there's no reason to.
Have you considered getting escorts?
"they act like there's something wrong with being in a relationship with someone just for the sake of being in a relationship with someone." Because *your* way, there are *no* "cash and prizes" at the end when she gets bored. She gets *nothing!*
They don't want to feel like you're using them for sex and company when you're lonely, which is what it sounds like you're doing. Good luck in finding a woman who'll spend years doing that.
VVomen are practical. Unlike Men who are idealists. Question is, what is their practicality in inviting the state into your bed, sitting inbetween you two with legal papers?
I don't think the marry in order to retire. But, there is definitely an unspoken practicality I'm not sure if they're aware/unaware to it...
I get your point, I have been doing just fine by myself for a decade, I grew quite a lot in that time as an individual now I also want to grow with someone and that means to me shared intimacy and off the comfort zone ( as it happened many times while having to face my own self) yes it comes with its struggles for sure, but that's part of an evolving journey.
I'm not worried about having someone breathing down my neck 24/7 because I have a pretty intense job, family, friends, activities etc to keep me busy and I also have a need for alone time that I keep nurturing whether I'm in a relationship or not. And ofc I'm only interested to mate with someone who has a fulfilling life outside of me also. I just want it alli guess lol.
Wow, you gave such a revealing perspective on marriage. I had never thought about it like that.
Simply explained and profound in its implications. Well done.
"Lamborghini does not make minivans." Insightful and incisive
They make tractors😂
…I want a Lamborghini minivan now hehehe
This was your best episode yet! Well done.
OMG!
I do not know why, but I was so ready to hear your message today!
Thank God for you!
This is soooooooo good… OMG.. Research ( history) and Understanding is everything. Thank You!
Your ideas are so genius-level game-changer. Thanks for this channel and its content.
I'm with you on this. I believe marriages built on mutual responsibility is exponentially stronger than a marriage built on love. As long as a couple mutually understand their role and responsibility, love doesn't even have to touch the conversation.
Wow
But if the love isn’t there, she will resent you for pushing responsibilities on her and forcing her to not “live out her youth”. The concept of responsibility only applies to men not women.
Absolutely right. So very well explained. Thank you.
It's as if you are reading my thoughts and expressing them better than I ever have.
I have had this exact conversation so many times.
This has to be top 5 BEST informational and factually sound videos about marriage on YT
This is the first person to acknowledge this from the perspective of someone who has a positive view of marriage as an institution. An extremely accurate assessment of the current state of marriage while offering a potential path to repair the institution.
Bravo! Bravo, for exact definitions of marriage and job. Great advices!
I feel like I knew all this info already but never quite put it all together into a single thought like this. Well put sir.
I have been making a similar point as to marriage existing pre-christianity and the original purpose, in my social discussions but this was excellently articulated. Will definitely share.
Marriage exista in evwry single culture. It is natural and universal. Even with native americans pre colombus, with african tribesmen, etc. The attacks on marriage are a recent thing as a result of feminism and radical left wing politics.
I accept the bible as true history which traces it’s origins to the first man and woman, therefore I don’t accept that there was any religion before my religion.
@@gregorytremain4086 Jesus Christ didn't come to start a religion. He came to reconcile the humanity with it's Creator
@@gregorytremain4086 It's irrelevant what you think with respect to ordering of religions. It is very clear from both analysis of the Bible itself and of other cultural texts that no one religion's claim of being the one original history, holds water.
What is more important even if you are to take your religion is that marriage pre-existed your religion within itself. Look at the bible. Every, and I mean EVERY rule i've heard Christians claim about marriage is debunked by the very bible they read.
- monogamy? Non-existent for the most part in both testaments, from practically the very beginning.
- one man, woman for life? Multiple rules and guidelines for re-marriage including re-marriage within families.
- no divorce? Multiple rules and exit clauses.
- marriage about love? No. All the women from as early as Rebekkah who were exchanged for gifts to be married to men they never saw (let that sink in)
- sacred and should be pure? False. Multiple impure marriages blessed by god and celebrated by christians. I mean look at Jesus' bloodline. David+Bathsheba was definitely not pure nor virgins nor anything holy. Ruth sucking off... I meant "uncovering" Boaz while he slept.... etc etc
Point being, even within the religion, the christian cope of "but but god meant this" simply fails given by his own words he BLESSES these supposedly impure unions. Don't be alarmed; every religion I've looked at has the same issues. Conclusions, marriage was just stuff people did regardless of religion or culture, and everyone's god seemed to be just fine with it.
@@MrQuestiel 🤣🤣
Women are incentivized to divorce by being rewarded in divorce courts. They're often also looking to climb the spouse ladder by landing a richer guy, a better looking guy, a taller guy, etc. So this is now two major motivators they have for divorcing.
Who are the idiots who set it up for it to be that way? Men did, because they mistakenly believed it would be an easier way to get into their pants long run. They played themselves and blame women for it. I’m disgusted by you people
Last
Yep! Monkey branching is a female strategy leading to fun & security.
Those rungs get spaced too far eventually....
Imo they have a high failure rate because the laws have allowed marriage to be intertwined with capitalism to boost western economies. They know encouraging women to be dissatisfied through media will eventually divide households, and by giving the majority of the maritial asset to single women with child(ren) it will lead to the need for additional housing and allow accelerated, frivolous and reckless spending which adds to the bottom lines of corporations and government.
I absolutely love this session. Our main purpose is really to reproduce and take care of our youngs.
This whole idea that we should be happy every day or most of the time has caused us a lot of grief.
We know that life was meant to be a challenge, yet we want happiness and even put the pressure on our spouse to make us happy.
We have told ourselves that we have a million needs and then expect our spouse to fulfill the million needs we have.
We need to return to the basics as so many still aren't happy with all the extras they've added to marriage.
Wow fascinating perspective, very eye opening!
Finding meaning, fulfillment and happiness at a job is an American fancy. Where I grew up we didn't discuss "passion" (I hate this word) in connection with a job. I actually think this is a big cause of dissatisfaction for many Americans because they set themselves up for failure.
Perfect.. I saw a meme, a potential job seeker asked about her passion for work. Response was, I have a passion for not starving to death. At last, an honest job seeker, I thought.
mastery by robert greene
This sentiment reminds of a time many years ago I went out on a date with a guy and he said this to me, "I want my wife to work; I want her to be fulfilled." I remember looking at him, thinking, "fulfillment? On the job? What is he talking about?"
Unless you're me and became a dive Instructor and boat Captain, work all over the world and do something that you love
@@foozjen he wants your pay check
You do a fantastic service in elucidating these views so well. We just need to find a way of giving you a bigger audience!
I would caution to analyze his advice with a magnifying glass. He says a lot of great things, and the reason I continue to watch. But a lot of his conclusions are drawn incorrectly. He gives an endpoint and then draws a path to that conclusion that proves what he is stating. The problem is much of his proof is riddled with assumptions, many of which may not be true. It sounds good, and I agree with many of his conclusions, but the fact is, the way he got to those conclusions isn't sound. Don't just believe what someone says because it seems to makes sense. Truly analyze what they say.
I agree, one of the best life hacks channels on youtube by some way. I would love to see a chat between this guy and Alexander Grace another channel which offers life advice to young men navigating relationships.
Cassas. He always states that it's his opinion. This is social science. You can make any claim as long as you can back it up. Saying that he finds an end then charts a path towards it is stating the obvious. Consciously, we all know the things he tells us since we are human on this earth and have shared experiences. He merely holds up a mirror to us/gives us the vocabulary, imho.
Preach. Well done, mate. Good video 📹 👍
Wow....this is the 1st video I'm watching from you and this makes SO much sense!
And what about marriages that succeed ? Are they living the dream life, the ideal partnership ? Where the spouse provided everything ?
I have never ever heard of this opinion or viewpoint on the internet. This channel is a gold mine that keeps on giving. Thank you so much.
Makes me think history is so interesting and important.
In US about 13% marriages are reasonably happy.
lasting marriages don't necessarily mean happiness, often spouses stick together only because of economical interest.
Orion, I'm really glad you addressed this topic. I know a girl (5yo) who is going with my daughter to kindergarten and she constantly mentions that her parents are separated etc... It's heartbreaking. Her parents got divorced this year. When you look at their lives it's obvious that they have a VERY unrealistic picture of what marriage is. They speak 3 languages among themselves, lived in two countries and have different work schedules. Nobody can live like that without things start breaking apart. Women (mom) complains that her husband is not interesting anymore etc... People expect that marriage is somehow magically going to replace an obvious need for sacrifice.
Sometimes, you need to skip a promotion or work harder or do things you don't like for a considerably amount of time, in order to keep family together. Sometimes you need to go through boredom and feel bad. The world doesn't revolve around your "happiness". What happens is that this child is obviously already disadvantaged (constant complianing that mom and dad are not together anymore) but they are also creating a new generation of broken people.
Brilliant and honest explanation and what people should learn and understand
This video is 100 % spot-on with superb insight! Unfortunately, our culture is light-years away from disentangling marriage from all its excess baggage and burdens. We will have to incur tremendous suffering before we even begin to consider necessary reform.