The difference between healthy and unhealthy love | Katie Hood | TED
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- čas přidán 10. 06. 2019
- In a talk about understanding and practicing the art of healthy relationships, Katie Hood reveals the five signs you might be in an unhealthy relationship -- with a romantic partner, a friend, a family member -- and shares the things you can do every day to love with respect, kindness and joy. "While love is an instinct and an emotion, the ability to love better is a skill we can all build and improve on over time," she says.
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4:20 "It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters, it's how it evolves."
*Hits blunt*
sarahc00kies 😂😂😂😂
@@sarahc00kies oldie but goldie😂😂😂
Bianca Bassani I think mine is evolving in a negative way 😔 but I can’t tell if maybe it’s just a rough patch ☹️
@@darkoshmarko Kayla, listennn...if he doesn't seem to care then the "rough patch" ain't worth it. But on an optimistic note, see if you feel like there's still genuine care for each other. Maybe he's worried about something that he can't freely talk about. Let him know your side of situation so he feels comfortable explaining his own. Maybe nothing is over yet. *Talk* . Don't wait for things to fall back in place on their own. The uncertainty will take a toll on your mental health.
it's important to look for these signs not just in the other person but also in yourself.
Can't agree more. Please remember that your gf/bf is also a human being. Not just YOUR girlfriend/boyfriend.
I agree. Honest introspection should be a part of everyone's life about all things.
Em Bowker i cant agree more.
Well it's been a while since I've posted. Took months of hard decisions and perseverance.....legally devorced last monday.....nothing to be proud of.....but at least I gave aome feedback
Dang yes. I thought I would watch this and see my ex, but I was like whoa.... I do a lot of these😭
5 markers of Unhealthy love
1. Intensity 3:20
2. Isolation 4:45
3. Extreme jealousy 6:07
4. Belittling 7:04
5. Volatility 8:04
Very helpful, thank you for this🙏🙌💙
this really helped me with my homework thank you !!!!
Your the hero we need but don’t deserve
thank you for helping me with a school assignment
thank you
“It’s important to remember: it’s not how a relationship starts that matters; it’s how it evolves.”
1. Open Communication
2. Mutual Respect
3. Kindness
4. Patience
we can practice all of these things
Men seldom do any of these things they are ego driven and think rules never applie to them
thanks. now i dont have to watch the rest of the video
Thank you so much for this. Gosh, I got bored 46 seconds in so I decided to check the comments section for the summary. haha. Thank you! ^^
Except for when were lying or dont get our way..also a bit harder depending on who our side chick is at the time or how demanding and needy she is.
@@jonhdetroit2487 Slow down... Some men and some women, some people.
I'm want to keep rewatching this video every couple of months to remind myself of my bad traits. I will grow so I dont hurt anyone anymore.
Your introspection is inspiring. Keep up the good work!
Good for you! I’m trying to learn to, I love it when people can recognize that they’re not perfect and need to work on some things in themselves. ♥️
Absolutely!
Also, consider professional therapy. Habits are so hard to break even when you really want to.
Prince Harry should watch this video ASAP! #saveHarry
I love this !! my boyfriend and I used to have all of these problems and instead of giving up, we talked about everything and decided to work through it together. it’s not easy or quick, but with a lot of forgiveness we’re both getting better for each other. we are doing so great now and I couldn’t be happier that we didn’t give up !!
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:(
I'd always try to do it with my ex but he never get it (
Are y'all still together?
all of them? damn! now that's inspirational
Healthy love doesn’t even really feel like love it just feels like two (or more) people that know what they’re doing in live, and don’t have much problems or things to complain about so they are just chilling in a calm and open space and it feels like they are together by choice rather than being stuck together. Unhealthy love has that needy clingy, intense, passionate, roller coaster, emotional ups and downs type of energy that makes u feel like u need that person and your life will go into flames without them.
preach
was watching this video while tears run through. My boyfriend abused our longtime relationship and I've been left so heartbroken. This is crazy
@@jamesevelyn7414 sweetheart I promise it gets better. Stay strong Beautiful!
This was a great comment that I needed to see!
Great comment. My therapist told me healthy love and a healthy partner can seem kind of boring at first especially when you’re used to toxic love.
Im glad you made this video. You showed me that Im becoming abusive! Hard pill to swallow
Same
im proud of you for recognizing your problems though. it takes strength to admit your own faults
be careful that it is not self-doubt
That fact that you can admit that is huge. ☺️
Same
Finally. People are realizing that love is a skill we can all learn !!!
Connor well in that case you can pick up the love skills first, then allow it to happen when you’re ready to apply those skills to people. (And many of us know in the process of leaning love skills, naturally, gradually, we are healed from what hurt us in the first place)
Connor - Wow, Connor. If "humanity" isn't important in the grand scheme of things...what's the point of a scheme at all?
Rhiannon Florence - Well said!
Rhiannon Florence oooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooo
@@barbaramelbourne9914 absolutely. You're right
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Thank you 💯 for the reminder
Amen!
i hate Jesus
❤❤ this ❤❤
This relate very much thew the years I can see homeless as a option
"he has a language to make me pause"....best line of this talk.
They should teach this in schools.
I don't honestly understand why they don't!
Gosh, YES this is the kind of knowledge and help people really need!
I am watching this for school
agree, abuse get pass down by generation and the cycle never stops
the population would multiply
A thing I learned is ''if you feel that something just isn't right, it probably isn't.'' And if you feel anxious because of *someone*, it isn't right for you, no matter how much you love the person. The highs are not worth the downs, and as time passes, there are less and less highs and only deeper downs. You're just going to end up stuck in a vicious cycle of feeling depressed and unworthy.
I’m currently experiencing anxiousness just thinking about my partner (there’s a lot of problems with communication currently). I’m extremely worried that it’s toxic, and that it will never get any better. So far, after a few months of dating (we started as friends), it just seems to have gotten worse. There’s so much more mental stress on me and it’s causing so much anxiety. I don’t know if that’s toxic or just a rough patch. I’ve never been in love before so she is my first ever love, and I’m truly lost on what to do, or whether this is common or not.
@@pattoncase468 hey. So I was going through the exact same. I’ve been in relationships before, but this one, which I kinda ended yesterday, was one of the most real relationships I’ve ever been in. But we hadn’t communicating at all in recent months and communication ironically, was our strongest suit at one point of time. I had faith that he’ll address the elephant in the room, that he will talk about it, but it was getting too much for me and I let myself all out yesterday. I didn’t get my answers, and I love him and miss him, and I now realise, maybe I was suffocating or overwhelming and I want to say sorry but I know I can’t anymore. The truth is, there is no right or wrong, but we can only improve. That’s the least we can do, to learn and to grow and trust the Universe.
@@neetimahajan2374 b
hey if you've owned your part and made amends that's all you can do. sometimes circumstances play a part. I hope you two manage to preserve the friendship you had whether you get together or not. I know loss of friendship can really hurt. Just do your best and random humble. Either way good luck and yes trust the universe or God that trumps any relationship. Also your own sound judgment
I say this from a place of a 2 hour conversation with a friend today where I persuaded him to hear me out after I don't know how many times and I didn't really deserve it and at the end I almost started crying but I'm so grateful he heard me out and believe we will both be the better for it
If that gives you any hope :)
certainly not easy though !
@@neetimahajan2374 llllllll
@@neetimahajan2374 o00000000
She's like the mature aunt I never had. Love!
That’s what I want to be for my nieces. I wanna be the mature aunt who just keeps everyone safe either in person or through communication online
Signs of Unhealthy Relationship:
1. Intensity
2. Isolation
3. Jealousy
4. Belittling
5. Volatility
Ways to do Relationship Better:
1. Open Communication
2. Mutual Respect
3. Kindness
4. Patience
we also need to talk about being ignored as a part of abuse
Lae Brown 🙌🏼 Yes, for example, using the silent treatment as a form of punishment .. like “Oh, he/she pissed me off at dinner so .. nope .. not answering their calls or responding to their texts. Maybe they’ll fucking learn”. - THAT and also ghosting someone. Both psychological abuse. For sure.
What if you ignore someone not as a form of punishment but because you’re hurting and don’t know how to communicate that with the other person for fear that they might not understand?
@@queenmisanthrope that is a massive problem to work in the relationship and personally. You can still explain you have no way or tools to comunicate your emotions, ignoring is not a healthy way to deal with that.
Ignoring is not unhealthy, not allowing your partner to ignore you is unhealthy.
Lizz Von Haver : Just say this “I am hurting and in no position to talk. I will let you know when I’m ready”.
I ve figured it out, you can't have an unhealthy relationship if you don't have any.
True, and you can't eat unhealthy food if you don't eat.
Diver, Sky even more true.
At midnight on a Greyhound, he thought,
"I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know it will be different."
~*day 130 of isolation in my room*~
Well if you don't ride a bike you wont fall of it. If you don't drive a car you won't crash. I think life is about making mistakes and trying again. Not avoiding it. But if you truly feel emotionally satisfied and not just numb, then good for you.
I was being a toxic person for my ex, I cant believe I did all of that, the fact is making me sad rn, that is why I listen more about love and how to love someone in a right way.
most of what she said exists in my relationship and not only on his side but on my side as well, we are both unhealthy to each other even though we love each other, so today I decided to end it all. sometimes u can be toxic to the person that u love the most and things need to stop. we need to learn that loving someone means understanding him/her and not expect that the other person understands you no matter what. and it means both compromising and not blaming and hurting the other. if you have stress at work or at school, then don't make your partner a punching bag and throw all your negative emotions on them, but explain and tell them your story, and they will listen and give you assurance or cheer you by giving u love when they can. and always expect that the other person can have a hard time as well and can't sometimes be there for u so don't expect too much.
Have you ended?
If not..
If both of you love each other and realized that your relationship is unhealthy and feel guilt then you both should practice healthy relationship habits rather than quitting the relationship. And while practicing, have a patience because everything wouldn't be fixed very soon even in months. So keep patience and remind each other of healthy habits and always use positive phrases for the relationship. If you guys really love each other and know the illness of your relationship then it is also worth to seek professional help. Best wishes.
This video just taught me that my relationship with my partner is healthy and full of true of love! May you experience the same.
Qq0q
Thanks 🙏 I’m happy for you and your relationship with others 💗
🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
Thank you so much! I’m so happy for you!
*_A healthy and deep love gives you strength. Unhealthy love weakens you. Thanks TED, videos like these have been an inspiration to start my own personal development channel
What if you become addicted to unhealthy love?
@@Rithmy you or whomever needs to ask is unhealthy love making you a better person? Allowing you to grow and pursue goals/dreams etc? If you or that person is not able to be themselves to share with another, then that is not good. Simple question, does this relationship make you feel good all around, joyful, laughs, smiling, and full circle happiness, if not then its not for you. No one is wired for this or supposed to deal with that due to any reason. Even if you were raised up in such a manner that you or that individual feels the need for it, you or them, knows its wrong and unhealthy. Thats where going outside your comfort zone in realizing whats important to you and what actually matters comes in. Then once you or they are ready you can decide to look for that healthy love relationship.
Rithmy maybe it means you need to learn how to love yourself more or not be afraid to be alone
True
Heidi Muller STBB Hi
It is almost impossible to be in a healthy relationship unless you love yourself first. We involve ourselves in relationships because of "core shame," love is an emotion which covers up the uncomfortable feeling of shame. The less you need it as an antidote to shame, the more capacity you have to experience healthy love. Both in giving and receiving aspects of it.
Thank you for this insight
Just out of my first toxic relationship, I needed to hear this. It's good to be reminded of what a healthy relationship was like.
OMG, I always thought that I was the victim and infact I was doing all the wrong things, an eye opener for me.
Love your honesty Shweta 😊
देर आये दुरुस्त आये. जब जागाे ,तब सबेरा.
Wow. So honest and accepting of responsibility. You’ll make someone very happy someday.
Same
@@EyeHaveaDream changing can be extremely hard
My ex felt overwhelmed and suffocated. My issue was definitely jealousy/ possessiveness. It wasn’t extreme but it was definitely there. I’m hoping I never make the same mistakes again and ruin another amazing relationship.
@Xtinaa94
Honey, you learned and learning is how you grow. You can do amazing things when you grow 😊♥️
How are you overcoming this? I’m a similar way.
Xtinaa94 can i talk to you
Andromeda me too....
It’s making your friends or significant others an idol. If you worship that person as if they are perfect they can do no wrong but then they can do no right.
The need you have is for the one who IS perfect. When that need is filled you are overflowing and any other love is just a bonus.
It’s wonderful that you can recognize idols in your life. It means you can change.
The psychopath is someone who cannot see the problem or blames someone else or something outside himself.
Healthy minded individuals can have some characteristics like mentally ill but differences between them are, one cannot see the issue in themselves to change.
This is why I make it a point to educate my daughter and tell her what warning sign look like, teach her self respect! Teach her that she is strong all on her own! A companion should add to your life not take from it!
My mom taught me the same and if I have kids I will do the same. You’re a great mom 💗
healthy love is SO hard to find.
You dont find it. You build it... together.
This is like 98% of relationships nowadays. High highs and low lows, break ups then make ups.. Open communication does not matter much if there’s no comprehension.
I was in a very toxic relationship, was very unhappy. my girlfriend was always secretive as well and I couldn't take it any more. I wanted to know exactly what the problem was so I did a research and came across this set of pro-hackers from the dark web.. They got me remote access to her mobile device I was able to read all her texts listen to call, her social media as well.... It was sad that she was cheating with multiple guys I just had to break it off... Sadly. thats the best help I've had and I strongly recommend them..... Email - radardarkweb(via)gmail . com or Call/text +1 (201) 228-0335. Utilized them twice.... Highly effective and entirely beneficial!!!
Ang C can i talk to you
wtf trash friends are you with lol.,
Agreed, without being empathetic and understanding no amount of communication works.
Curtis Hopkins how much
Her face´s expression somehow tells me that the subject is such a personal case for her. Either in oresent or in the past.
Absolutely, I feel the pain in her face and voice. I became really sad while watching the video even my eyes were nearly going to cry time to time just because of indirect messages in her voice and expressions. It seems like she is a really tough woman!
How can it be a personal case but not have been in the present or past ? Please do explain
Everyone, or almost everyone, "has been there". It's just part of being human.
I think it's stage fright. This speech seems super practiced like she had to memorize it perfectly to get over the fear of talking. That lack of self-esteem could be caused by abuse though.
Yeah, even her voice sounds hurt.
Thank you for showing us the meaning of being beloved. I never stayed in unhealthy relationships because I m aware of everything in my relationship.
I used to do these things and I wasn't aware of it. Therapy and being honest with myself about who I want to be have been a huge help. It's worth doing the work! Changed my life and those close to me as well.
Today I learned - I have habits that is promoting unhealthy love.
Something that didn’t seem obvious before but obvious now. Im sorry Madeline
If you were a bad person, you wouldn't care. Work on yourself and you'll grow into an amazing person
which habits?
I’m always unlearning unhealthy love habits. The truth is that it is lifelong work and something y’all both or all have to participate in daily. Nothing will ever be perfect but three years after getting married, I respect and love my partner more than the day before and they feel the same(or so I’ve heard.)
Good for you for seeing it!
Sometimes the fear to be alone or the need to be loved make us allow a lot of things. So many times we don't even see or we don't want to see the sings and it's really important to know how to recognize them and do something. You have to love and respect yourself first and then give love, a healthy love for others.
Absolutely true
I needed to hear this I feel a TRANSITION happening in my life. These key skills and markers on healthy and unhealthy relationships is a message I needed to hear.
Rewatching this over and over has given me the courage to walk away from an unhealthy relationship. The behaviors described were relatable and eye opening. Thank you!
Intensity
Isolation
Extreme jealousy
Belittling
Volatility
XDDD OEUF
Thank u
Sounds exactly like my ex
Intensity = love bombing
Facebook minion memes
One sided love is always painful regardless..it can destroy you completely
No man find another person if God wills he/she full fill of your empty heart
Ouch. Yes 😩
Facts. I am DESTROYED. Completely Obliterated, Drained, Empty, Hollow. Imagine giving someone 14yrs of ur Life to make it work & then realizing it was all one sided. I feel so stupid & damaged.
@@CaIiforniaL0VE do self inventory. Own up to erratic behavior, accusations, witholding love, or abandoning the relationship. Any of those?
This woman is amazing. As a person who just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship, these are the words I really needed to hear. Now I know what red flags to look for in my next relationship, and what to watch out for in myself. And to everyone in a abusive or toxic relationship, who sees these signs or maybe signs not discussed in this talk, I just want you to know that it gets better. There are people out there for you who won’t display these signs. There are so many better and good amazing people in the world, just waiting for you.
Extreme jealousy & isolation killed my marriage.. I lost the love of my life because of these things, this was a huge eye opener. Glad I took the time to watch this.
"In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons"
Sighs, this hit home, sorry to my ex's
Apologise to them. Not here.
“Time of break up can be a real trigger for violence”... when we advice our friend to leave an abusive relationship, its not always the best advice. Contact an expert to help avoid violence and how to leave safely.. 👏🏽👏🏽
this was fantastic.... i lived this life for many years, I feel fortunate to have broken away safely ... never looked back but it took me awhile to get there. Its hard to see it when you are "in it".
her smile really assures me whenever she tells us what's wrong in unhealthy relationships and what we should expect in healthy ones.
Wow my ex hit all 5 markers. Im so grateful it ended finally
same!
I wish I knew . I can see through now so easily. I could have avoided.
I need to leave, i just don’t know how 😞
@@Leen95M evaporate from his life
crystal grace impossible, i have to end it tactically ...
Stop cheating on people while y'all are at it
"I would never cheat" says everyone who goes on to cheat.
@@Miranox2 in my experience, cheaters avoid communication in topics they feel uneasy with, should it progress into a conversation involving them.
@@gammalight1312 woww 👌🏼
The love or pretending to.., can not go together for long??? So called 'love' demands dedication too..if found missing the chattering involved, brings another vaccum.. Common adjustment not permissible, cheating-no, never....a difficult task indeed..way forward is again love or pretend to....
@@Miranox2 true xD
This is one of the best TED talks I've ever seen!
Over time we all get better at building and maintaining healthy relationships with friends and partners. They may not be perfect, but the healthier they are, the longer they last and the more they help us grow! 💕
Reflecting on my dating experience, every guy who ended up breaking my heart badly showed those signs in the early stage of our relationship, but I always thought that’s the point I should show compassion and understanding. I should have run away before it got to a point that hurt me!!!
I wonder how many people and couples in the audience felt personally attacked, lmao. This was a great talk with lots of truth, and I hope I can start to notice when I’m displaying these toxic traits in my own relationship.
Early in on in the romantic relationship, there are already tell-tale signs of dysfunctional behaviour. Be keen in spotting them. And in my observation, the healthiest couples are those who started out first as friends or there have been a sufficient amount of time they got to know each other before jumping into marriage or a romantic relationship.
It's very interesting how these things work. In past relationships I would have agreed, but my wife and I started as what we thought would be a one night stand and ever since it's been ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! :) we've traveled the US together for 4 years, helped each other grow and now have a 1 year old daughter. I would have thought this would create a dysfunctional lifestyle or unhealthy relationship but we're best friends, lovers, and awesome parents :)
@@JustinLewisWeb A very cool story. You were made for each other most obviously. I wish you and your wife the best.
this made me so glad bc the term 'marry your best friend' is not cliche. me and my bf have been together for a long time, but we started out as a friend who have deep connection and bond first.
Yes or NO, ive been fished by a covert narcissist but also found a real deep love.
@@JustinLewisWeb Congratulations...you both are probably 1 in 30 million who can pull that off. All the best for you both and your family! :)
Broke up a week ago and this video made me realize that I was little toxic. I became a little clingy and would ask him to communicate more , the relationship went from healthy to unhealthy. I was initially ok with late replies( even though it was LDR) and him going out because he used to inform me but when the honeymoon period was wearing off he stopped telling these things, lied, and was little emotionally unavailable a bit(SINCE BEGINNING). When confronted he sent me video on "how to love heartbroken guy" because we dated 3 years and he was still hurt by past breakup. I made him feel suffocated.I never stopped him from hanging out with his friends and family yet he blamed me for doing so. I just demanded healthy communication. He left when I asked to work things out and now I want to work to improve myself.
It sounds to me like you being a little tough on yourself. Healthy communication is important in any relationship, so you can't really be at fault for wanting to have it. Maybe it was toxic on your side in the sense that you were continuously demanding something that he wasn't willing to give any more?
I am really glad I came accross this video. I was so confused about my own actions which is somehow not healthy and I thought it to be healthy and constantly blaming it on my partner. I am glad I'm being able to understand all of it while it's not yet late. I'm bringing in the positive change. Thankyou for this session.
I can feel the anxiety in her voice... it is palpable... Yet, she got up there and did a phenomenal job!! The message is profound, and something not easy for me to watch. I have always been the "I love you" guy, but my actions often did not back up my words. Now, I am 40 and essentially all alone on this spinning ball of cosmic dust.
Sorry for the rant.
Awe same let's get married and be lonely together
@@CoLiNgErRoW :)
You're not alone in this. Don't give up xx
Try again lad... Never give up on heal-thy love! ❤
Her tone made me cringe
Belittling is the real marker, that's when you feel contempt.
@@andrewbarone6575
My dad was similar. He is full of self pity that his family abandoned him not realizing how abusive he was with his evil words and control.
I wish I had heard this talk thirty years ago.
Thank you for this, my relationship developed to be unhealthy. While my partner did belittle me at times, I had also become addicted and partook in unhealthy actions that disregarded my own boundaries and needs.
I keep rewatching this to practice to be better and not perfect, I am so happy I came across this food for thought.
Unreliability and inconsistency creating insecurity is a big one too
Intensity: exciting to overwhelming and suffocating, requests not respected
Isolation: pulling you away from friends and family/support system, talks smack about family- sewing seeds of doubt vs healthy love, spending time together and maintaining independence and spending time with friends and family like before the relationship
Jealousy: need to know where you are all the time, accusations of flirting and cheating, won’t listen when you tell them there’s nothing to worry about. Threatening, desperate and angry edge to the jealousy
Belittling: words used as weapons, make fun of you in a way that hurts, then shoot you down for overreacting vs words building you up instead of breaking you down
Volatility: frequent breakups and makeups, extreme highs and lows, saying hurtful things then taking it back filled with promises
Thank u ❤️
Hi Angela
Like as Katie Hood said, "While love is an instinct and an emotion, the ability to love better is a skill we can all build and improve on over time". It's important whether another person receives the behavior love.
Communication is so important. I lost a great guy because we had miscommunication on the subject of love. Moved in quickly, before love was a topic, I saw that as rushing and surely it meant he loved me (his actions were always there) but, I had no idea “I love you” was a label/title to him. A step above a committed relationship…a much high step.
Hard to believe that I didn’t recognize abuse in my own relationship. Thankful to have survived but my life will never be the same. I am wiser and way more cautious.
Rachel Hope, you're so beautiful and so cute 💓❤🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹and I will be glad to know you
Hi Rachel
Hi dear friend Are you
This is exactly the reason why it is important to know the differences between real love and unhealthy love. I did break up recently and it was hard, but it was the best decision. Its important to love yourself and improve each day!
Hi
Yes, I feel the same now 💕
This was so so true I have been in an unhealthy relationship and i totally had all of this signs which I ignore but I knew I understood it
It is admirable to have the self awareness to reflect and to look forward! The fact that you even watch this video is a testament to your own personal growth path. Cheers, Vijeta!
@@taymason Sweet. That is really a very beautiful message. Thanks, Taylor :)
Such an eye opening video. Not only did I see these red flags in my ex and our relationship as a whole, I have also realised how exactly was I part of the problem.
I loved her a ton, and I still do. I care for her. But I had this feeling that I there is someone out there better for me, and that me and my ex don't have a future to get. So I decide to be honest with myself and do whats right, break up.
This video made me realise that my search for a better relationship isn't just a search for a better match, but also a search for a better version of myself from within.
I wish i saw this video earlier... i just left my toxic and abusive relationship of 3 years. It was really hard...really hurtful and really scary. It starts subtle, you know, small things like wanting to know where you are, or what i called “cute jealously” where i found it cute when he would be jealous when boys would try and talk to me and all, or how much time he wanted to spend with me... but it all got so suffocating. Wanting to know where i was and who i was with ALL the time, got so frustrating. His jealousy would turn into hateful words and maybe a few hits and punches. Him wanting to spend time with me all the time, literally isolated me from my friends and family. Everyone was worried...but me. I saw so many signs, red flags but i chose to ignore it. In hopes maybe, he would change or this is how love is meant to be because he loved me so much (I thought, he ended up cheating on me with underaged girls!) . But i was wrong, he didnt love me. He possessed over me and that is not love. I am glad I left, because now I realize love is not suffocating, demanding, abusive, rude, or caging. Its all about being who you are, with the right person and still getting to do what you love and having support to do whatever you like. Definitely not getting pushed down by it because of your partners insecurities. To anyone going through a toxic relationship, im so sorry you dont deserve this, but you deserve to put yourself first and leave❤️
I really needed this
You sound crazy, maybe some therapy would help you
@@jasonthegreat5215 and who are you referring too?
I don't know you but I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself.
@@jasminevega1217 was watching this video while tears run through. My boyfriend abused our longtime relationship and I've been left so heartbroken. This is crazy
I can relate to it. In fact, after a long ended (not by me) relationship, I started to realize what made the other one left. The interesting fact is that after he broke up with me and thanks to this video I understood what it was like being in a relationship with me. It was not love. I started the relationship loving and caring about my partner and I ended just interested in how his presence would help me being happy. I realise that somehow I made him live an unhealthy relationship and I'm so sorry I did that because I lost one of my favourite people in the world because of this. All these words just to say: women can express unhealthy love the same way as men do but sometimes we forget about it. Also, don't think just of his/her action but start analysing yours too, maybe you will understand that you may have done some wrong stuff too. And you can always improve yourself starting by accepting your mistakes
Ps. I'm Italian sorry for English mistakes
Great comment
Your story and sharing really inspired me. Thank you for this open-minded sharing.
Thank you for sharing, I am at the same point
anybody else wish their parents would sit down and watch this with them?
Yes! I agree with and feel this on so many levels. I also realize a new level of unhealthiness within my previous relationships and how I go about finding/making/experiencing new ones. Thank you Ted Talk.
this is fantastic. why don't we learn this in school?
A life lesson, rather then a structural one.
Too busy given ya anxiety and depression.
Elise Please! We should learn it at home. Parents should become aware of how important it is to teach our children self love and boundaries.
We really, really should. Some people think this is something to be learned at home with your family, but that doesn't always happen. Some kids are mistreated at home. The lesson some kids are learning at home is that these 5 traits are normal. School is an opportunity to intervene in these cases.
Thank you for not erasing male victims. Its a lot easier to emphasize with people who emphasize with you.
You mean, empathize?
@@srivarenya862 Yes. My phone hates me...
@@elinope4745 yeah, no problem :)
👍
This is one of the best ted talks i have ever seen , it has really taught me a lot , we need to spread this venerable ideas widely , it will make a huge difference 💖💖💖💖💖💖
this is so on point, i just got out of an unhealthy relationship 3 days ago and learning to get over it because i was the one who got hurt by his actions. 😢
Hi
I’m surprised she didn’t mention more about actively cultivating gratitude as an offset to jealousy and control. Being grateful you’ve even ever had love in your life can really help with feelings of jealousy and control when it comes to keeping that love in your life or coping with the fear of losing it.
Oh wow that’s so true
I love my other half so much. but my anxiety gets so bad and it gets in the way. I create problems in my head with the relationship even if everything is fine just because I'm so scared of something in my life working out so i sabotage it myself because I'm not used to peace in relationships. And my family never showed me what love was supposed to be like so it's hard to navigate especially at 16. In my head, i'm used to realtionships involving lots of horrible fights and screaming and violence. And it's so hard to just trust that love can really be a beautiful, peaceful thing if i let it be
You're on the right path ... I hope you will give yourself chances to trust, and I hope your trust will be rewarded and will multiply, and you will have peace and love.
I feel u so much!
Южный
I relate to this so much, it’s scary :(
23. had lots of bad experience.. struggling with this too
This should be taught in schools!!! Love all the messages..such an eye opener speech! Thank you!
There honestly wasn’t a victim or perpetrator in my last relationship both of us were engaging in negative behavior that really hurt both of us. Letting go of that relationship was hard for both of us but I am now seeing how bad it was and I’m glad we now have time to improve ourselves on our own!
I've been abused all of my life...and have been the abuser in the past at times. It's all I knew. Now I recognize what unhealthy love looks like. It's still a struggle for me, however, to set boundaries when I see red flags because most of my abusers used gaslighting as a way to make me think the mistreatment was all in my head.
'The ability to love better is a skill we can improve on over time' .....great news 💕💓💕
I definitely did things in my relationship that were unhealthy. The tough part for me was seeing where the unhealthiness started. Abusive relationships can really mix up where who did what, that caused what. Ultimately, just recognizing it was unhealthy and grow from it. Your feelings are valid. So don’t hold on to who did what and merely grow from the experience, if you’re in position to do so right now. It all takes time.
I've been trying to fix my depedence issues and this is actually eye opening
_If we understand and practice the concept of boundaries it will go much better generally speaking. Boundaries are always there, we just don't always know how to deal with it_
I really needed this, it’s saved my relationship about a guy that’s so good.. and sometimes when you’re with someone for so long. We were just raised up both unhealthy in general. Thank you.
❤This talk is really helpful for me
Everyone can be toxic at some moments in their lives, also ourselves
Being able to read 5 markers of unhealthy love may lead to better at self improvement
1. Intensity
2. Isolation
3. extreme jealousy
4. belittling
5. Volatility
I really needed to see this today.. So many signs of unhealthy love that I tried to ignore and that hit home for me. ..Thank you!
This is one of my favorite talks ever. She delivers it with such ease
This talk impacted me so much and opened my eyes to a lot, I’m really sad I ended the relationship but after watching this it validates that it was the right choice
I didn’t read love. I read food 😔
This needs to be spoken about in each home! So that we all learn how to form better loving relationships. And save yourself from the pain of abusive ones.
I feel personally attacked and i needed this
Sir Sandwich
"Attacked" is a strong word.
My other two cents is that your introspection is rad.
b1rdkeeper S No that fact she is willing to learn from her mistakes doesnt seem or come off narcissistic to me
I've recently been cutting out a few relationships in my life, with people I've known for a long time. I knew it was unhealthy but I couldn't find a way to explain it until watching this, thank you
Good to see parents letting kids call them out. A friend encouraged me to encourage my children to do it. I actually did not like it much, but when i started seeing the results, I was grateful I did it. Even as adults, now they will still do it.
Eye opening video and it is a difficult thing when you realize you have unhealthy patterns/toxicity. May we all reflect on our own behavior + grow and learn how to love healthily.
This is a very important discussion ! I’m glad this was opened up !
8:41... Some real truth right here.. Thanks for "VOICING" it. some of us need to be reminded its easy to wake up one day and be in this very position.
as a person who've been getting over a phrase of being unhealthy (which destroyed 4 of my relationships), I totally agree with all these markers and also the extent being in healthy relationships can benefit me. I wish you all can reach this state.
i feel the luckiest with my relationship, love should build you up.. Always
I admit that in my last relationship I had all of the unhealthy behaviors but I’m watching this because I am now with someone new and I want to do everything I can to love this person right because they deserve it. 💜
I wish you the absolute best
Love yourself first, then find love.
🤷🏾♂️
This was so so helpful. I need to work on myself too. Glad to realise I might be doing some things wrong
I think she is forgetting to mention something really important here which can be reversed regarding jealousy because I think it can make a lot of people start to question themselves if they are being abusers when they are not!!
A LOT of the times, there is a reason for someone being jealous, the feeling doesn’t come out of nowhere. Your partner might be liking sexy pictures on social media of the opposite gender, flirting with your friends etc. Its okay to feel worried and ask your partner about it (thats not jealousy) and if the partner thinks you’re overreacting THIS is the real abuse.
What if your spouse cheated on you??? And u found hard evidence and you still let it go because they could have made a mistake. People err and they can change become better. But now it's eating away at your peace of mind.
The topic of what is true and not true love. If your partner cheated on you… that is not love! . Yes it will trigger jealousy and diminish your trust in future relationships. But you were with mr wrong to begin with so don’t make mr right pay for that. This is something you have to get passed because packing jealousy into any future relationship is the most toxic thing you can do in any future relationship. You will eventually find that person in your life who deserves you as a whole rather than only giving a morsel. And not to look for somebody that will compliment your life thoughts actions and goals because they should come from you first. I’ve learned how to control my insecurities . My guy can go chat and dance with the sexiest lady in the club and it doesn’t bother me. Because we love each other enough to know each other to trust each other never lie to one another support each other. Im comfortable with his ex’s and he mine. We feel safe confronting each other on hot topics. Because whatever the case maybe we give no reasoning not to. That is healthy. We will probably binge watch funny movies and have fart wars in bed. We make each other laugh till the milk spays out of our nose. Their has been no betrayals of the heart . I chat with my ex husband on speaker phone cause we are still good friends and share a child. He listens in and jokes with me. We aren’t perfect but healthy. 100% my strengths are his weaknesses and my weaknesses are his strengths that how we complement one another. That balance in nature that healthy relationships require. he dotes on me when I least expect it. I’ve had toxic relationships I’ve experience abuse. I’ve learned a lot about myself and come along way. Now George gets all of me as a whole and not just broken pieces. I hope you can over come the betrayal of the heart so that some day you figure out. You deserve better and you owe it to yourself. Our biggest fight lately has been . He doesn’t let the dogs on the bed. My snuggle bugs. And I miss them on the bed. Either way we have to compromise. So he isn’t in bed. The dogs snuggle me. When he is in bed. Dogs not allowed in the room. May seem petty and trivial but compromise is something you will always have to do in relationships in order to maintain what is a healthy one.
But, then this wouldn't be jealousy this would be verified concern of your partner being dissatisfied in your relationship, especially sexually or perhaps they may have non-monogamous ideologies. Jealousy is overweening and unsubstantiated and so different.
It’s extreme insecurity