Resolving an Old Trauma -- Violence When I Was a Child
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- čas přidán 6. 03. 2018
- wildtruth.net A personal story of how I was attacked as a child, how it affected me (and how I acted out as a consequence), how I was forced to go to therapy, and how I ultimately resolved the trauma -- and grew from it.
I used to run away from home when I was 16. When I was 17 I got gang raped. I remember her shouting at me for disapearing from home for many days. I said "mom I was raped" and she answered "you deserved it". My father started to laugh. This was so typical of her to abuse me emotionally and for my father to abuse me physically. Two well educated and otherwise cultural people. No alcohol ever at home no vulgar words. How can such cultural person be so monstrous at the samw time?
Thank you for sharing, this is a very difficult story to read and I'm sure it's not easy to make sense of
This is the worst 😭 I wish I could hug you and care for you then
Well, the last years have shown large scale, they can... Hope you are fine! 🍀
Daniel says something that I can see too. A sick society of adults who might be competent within society but not in terms of the depth of human emotion.
I am so sorry this happened to you. Awful doesn't even touch it. Hope you are safe and loved now.
My mother and my older brother used to punch and hit me when I was a small boy. It's worst when the madness and violence is in the home.
Redbull11 and especially for a boy from his mother. It is particularly humiliating and soul killing.
@@Ursaminor31 WHAAAAT???!!! WHYYYY IS IT NOT HUMILIATING IF THE MOTHER KNOCKS AROUND HER DAUGHTERS???? YOUR THINKING IS WACK!!!
Your sincerity is deeply felt. Thank you for being real. Best wishes to you.❤
I’m so sorry for what you went through . I’m sending you love and compassion . ❣️
I started stuttering after an accident when I was 10. I was devastated and confused. My older brother Lawrence, punched me on my arm, harder and harder, every time I stuttered. So, I stopped talking to him. I was 10, he was 13. My Mother said I stuttered for attention. She would mock me and slap me every time I stuttered. So, I stopped talking to her too.
I've talked to my brother 7 times over the last 52 years. Sad...
My grade school trauma is so bad I can't speak it. You're brave.
I'm thinking about calling into the Dr. Jonh Deloney show I've been advising people to do this he's great at helping people. He's on youtube. It would be nice to hear your story maybe someday if you feel one day comfortable sharing. He doesn't judge people at all he's great with speaking about it even with those that have made mistakes and have had about 8 affairs it's crazy. We need more people like this in the world like him and Daniel.
U 2 can be brave if any one comes near you kick them in the shins and shout ur head off as loud as you can go mad they'll get the message iwish you all the best I 2 had to do this my bully got away with to long tee times
Wow. There was a mean bully named Johnny in 5th or 6th grade who slapped me across the face in front of 4-5 kids. He said something and I just said "oooh". He got up and hit me so hard. I never told my parent. Why would I? The retaliation would have been much worse and I had to walk home with him after school. I ended up giving him coins to leave me alone. Like the mafia. He left me alone and it worked so I kept on doing it. I know how you felt man. Our parents would have chastised us for it. Said suck it up. I stole those coins from my mother for protection. I heard about the coins but I never told her why. I just quit talking to her because she was useless as a parent. It sucks when you can't rely on your parent to protect you. I think You turned out to be such a nice, caring person. Your parents, like mine, really missed out, didnt they? And that one chance with that counselor could have given you some courage, support. I get it.
I hope this suggestion helps you.
Rather than focus on what the other person did and try to describe it or verbalise it, begin first by describing some of the feelings you had at the time and what was going on inside you. Even just verbalising one feeling you had, and looking at what it was like to feel that feeling - that can release a lot of stress. Good luck.
Which is why I homeschool.
My father also use to say "no one likes you except the dog. He's your only friend..." how do people like that sleep at night?
He probably doesn't.
My mom said that on a couple of occasions. Although I love her, I can’t forget/forgive those comments.
Like babies, because they have no conscience.
I’m so sorry 😢
You are precious!!
"People like that" - and my story does not seem too different from Daniel relating; I'm interested now to watch a second (and more) videos of his for the expertise and what he learned, resolving - don't often think too hard, I think, about their experiences bugging people. They don't look at it like "bugging people" and that's kind of what I took from the woman not having much to say. I kind of got out of 'earshot' in the last five minutes of the video so I'll have to replay that, but those incidents are so much about them at times in their lives when they're not focused upward on the world around but rather inward, down on their own situational context. We have to better ourselves as the hueman race, not continue this bullsh.
To get 'anthropological' as Daniel has become more accredited in psychology (if I took that correctly), if China plays its geopolitical situation as license to raise living standards and accept foreign workers, it could play its demographic situation reasonably but there's this ante where they're conflicting with anyone else, "because that's what superpowers do". Well hold on, if you've got the science, Taiwan has the technology and America's got a bit of each plus schools.... and Canada and Mexico, like Japan and Vietnam, each have all those things plus resources or workforce.... why don't we all work well together.
I'd say elevating living standards (without imposing them or using such egragarious force) should be all of our concern.
Weak people project strength.
Strong people are able to be vulnerable.
not necessarily
I’m not sure you understand how this works....
Seeing your pictures as an kid, especially hugging and having a dog as a friend really reminded me of me as a kid and made me cry, you just looked so sweet and vulnerable little person who needs love and understanding. Thanks for uploading your videos.
Made be break down too.
I was 2 when my mom passed away, I opened my eyes on a very aggressive stepmother, and very manipulative abusive brothers. I was abused emotionally, sexually and physically. The trauma is so deep that I could smell it till this day that I am 50.
I was not allowed to wash or change my clothes, I smelled so bad in school that no one wanted to be close to me. I drunk poisons to end my life, but the God don't want to take me. I washed dead on myself every second of every day.
Now that I am 50, I live in another continent with my two sons, end eventhough my family won't leave me alone, it's been 6 months now that I blocked my family and let me tell you its the worse thing to do. I am traying harder and harder every day to be strong and dont breake.
I hope you're well and happy 💗💗
6 months isnt very long since one blocks them. I had to do the same to my mother. I hope you're feeling better now that it's been 2 years.
@@guesswhosbackg6616 sometimes having a child of your own will give you meaning.
@@guesswhosbackg6616 I was afraid to have kids too, didn’t want to continue the cycle of abuse.
Be strong and pls don't cave in to them if you don't want to truly.
My dad was a bully to me and my twin sister. He was bullied as a child and talked about it to us sometimes. " He told us if anyone bullies you , I want to know.". Although I stood up to him to as a teen I never expressed to him clearly that he was my bully.
@Bek'a Those are the ones who think that only they are entitled to hurt you, not anyone else. Or maybe they just want to see you suffering.
@Project Queen that's so sad
My mother was the same. It was as if she was incapable of seeing how horrific her own actions were. The outside world was bad, but she could not be bad
@Jessica Toussaint Yes, it's strange that parents are completely unaware of how hateful they are. I remember writing a letter for my Dad because he was attempting military disability. He kept my letter and didn't turn it in to the VA. He asked me for months, "Was I really that mean?"
That's awful! I did the same thing with my father. Him and my step mom just couldn't control me any longer that's when I started fighting back. My own father would do it in subtle ways like "Oh you're getting a little bigger." I wasn't even fat and who says that? It's one thing to be concerned but I wasn't even fat. Disgusting human being he must have gotten that from my grandma though because one time I painted my nails blue and showed my grandma and her response was, "That's an ugly color." Who says that? And now I feel like I'm like my grandmother and am mean like that at times. I don't want to be like them.
Hello Daniel, I cried while listening to your story. School was also a dread to me. I am angry. Your story made me realize once more, how utterly inhuman the school system is. It is inadmissable that the places we send little humans to is so hostile and a place that fosters a survival-of-the-fittest-mindset. If your school would have been a place where children learn compassion, kindness and helpfulness... this would have never happened to you!! Isn't this striking?! Sending your inner child warm hugs from Germany! Petra
Petra: You are so right!! I am a substitute teacher in the USA, and I can not believe how mean some of those old hags are. A 4th grade boy(probably 10 years old) was not feel well 1 day, very pale looking, said he was going to throw up. I tried to get him a garbage can, a chair, and a cold rag, for his forehead, til he felt well enough to walk to the nurses office. The other teachers said just leave him there, she stuck him in the hallway, with none of the things I was trying to get him, and shut the door on him. Told me not worry about him. I had to hold back tears, for the remander of the afternoon cause of how terrible, I felt, the the situation was.
There's no love or compassion anymore in these schools no "kiddie prisons" as I'd refer to them as these days. I lived through a lot of crap in the school system with teachers who unjustly punish you for nothing most of the time, the administration is worthless and couldn't care less about you, and if you even speak to a counselor when you're struggling, they are often selfish, inconsiderate, and downright unqualified to do what they do and this is why I am the way I am today.
I don't have as much trust in others as I should because of what people in this system have done to me teachers and students alike. I need therapy but after researching how much of a money and time the process is as well as how utterly incompetent most therapists are, I said enough is enough.
Schools are like nurturing camps for bullying. First you start with the staff and teachers-THEY are often bullies. The reason bullying flourishes in schools? Because the teachers and staff or mostly bullies. The ones who aren't bullies still ignore or support the bullies. The beginning of the bullying starts when teachers KNOW someone is being bullied, and they DELIBERATELY ignore it. They KNOW what they're doing-and they do it because they enjoy seeing kids hurt and tormented without having to do it themselves. Yes, it is a VERY sick institution, public (and even private) school. But don't forget the parents who can't wait to get their kids out of their hair and off to nursery/daycare/school so they don't have to raise their own offspring. All the way around, our society really hates children anymore. You find very, very few people who genuinely care for and enjoy children. And then we wonder why they're so messed up.
Bless you, Petra. Thank you for your insights and compassion.
So relateable!!
Man, you are so underrated.
During watching your video, I felt like I'm living what happened to you. You are a really good speaker who expresses emotions so well and talks passionately.
Bullying is terrible thing to accur in adolecent if there is no one to tell and get support. Thought of facing your fear and self settlement is quite an useful advice.
Please do more videos, and let us know what you're doing after dropping therapy stuff.
So underrated.
True that
Underrated is actually THE BEST, is what I’ve learned
My best friend for 30 years has struggled with the legacy of peer abuse his whole life. It's shamefully common.
When I was 13, our family had just gotten a new kitten, and one night, the kitten had climbed up on top of me while I was sleeping, and in my sleep, I rolled over on him and crushed him to death. I don't think I ever fully processed that event, because over 10 years later, I still didn't like to think about it.
Late last year, I had just adopted a new dog, and I kept having dreams where my dog would get hurt or even killed because of my negligence. I had these dreams for 6 months and couldn't figure out why or how to make them stop, until I came across this video. After some self-reflection and journaling, I discovered that I still carried the unprocessed guilt and shame from when I killed that kitten so many years ago. I set aside a night to let my feelings out, and spent an hour crying into my pillow for that kitten.
After that, I didn't avoid thinking about that event anymore. It was unfortunate, but I felt I'd processed it and was able to move on. And most importantly, I don't have dreams about my dog getting hurt anymore.
Grieving is so so so important.
I felt like giving you a hug upon watching the whole video. I'm sending you some love.
There's nothing to be ashamed of. I respect and appreciate your courage openly sharing this.
My dad was a bully,and my mum never stuck up for me or my brothers,we all became bullies later on.i dont feel proud,but it was out anger because of the rejection.
Exactly.. Same here 😢
08:19 picture of happiness :)
I have never been openly mistreated, abused, humiliated..., my parents are incredibly wonderful, loving, respectful people, but I had a rough childhood in my own way, feeling bad about myself, shy, angry, fearful, anxious... of witnessing the violence of the world and feeling so powerless.
When I was a little girl, a teacher told me: you see everything.
Just seeing this weird universe just seems very complicated to me.
Thank you for your honest sharing that helps me so much to live.
Hi Dan, your history and story runs parallel to mine. I was bullied and picked on numerous times. for years. At home and school. This caused dissociation and humiliation along with, as you know, personality alterations. I blamed myself and my family and teachers all blamed me for my so-called problems and disorders. It has taken years to decades to see the truth.
Thank you for your honesty and for sharing.
My mother was off the charts violent towards me when I was a kid. It was impossible to reconcile when I tried to process it when I became an adult. She has yet to apologize, so I haven't seen or spoken to her in almost 5 years.
They don’t apologize, do they.
I sometimes wonder about that. My aunt that I lived with beat me several times a week, while (involuntarily) spitting in my face. If she’d been any sort of decent person, she’d have written to me or otherwise let me know that she was sorry. Never has. They don’t.
Daniel I so appreciate you. I’ve experienced so many similar things as you. My parents were just like yours. No one has ever cared about me. I was invisible except yo be used and abused as the oldest of 7 children and I was the appointed surrogate parent to the 6 younger siblings. Long toxic story. Nuff said for now.
I had the same kind of parents and similar/identical experinces. I was bullied from grade 6 through about grade 12. Like you I have concluded that because of what I was going through at my own home I was easy pickens for every bully for miles around. I never approached my parents about any of it. I left home at 19, moved far away and ended up being a large, strong man and have sruggled with wanting revenge. I have used my size and loud voice to intimadate. In my youth I recall never beening more alive than after being in a fist fight. I now see how all of this came to be. I am working on forgiveness, for myself and for the people who harmed me. I have a ways to go yet.
It becomes addictive.
Dear Dan, it’s true, I had terrible experiences & no one to talk to. Recently I hooked up with some old friends from school days & no one remembered anything & no one wanted to talk about the past. At first I didn’t understand why it was so important to me, to get somebody to listen & be ready to talk about some things from before, but no one wants to. The result is, that I feel trapped in isolation with these terrible things that happened to me & around me. ~ So I began writing about it on Facebook, and people got shocked. I have some living relatives my age, & not one of them wanted to face me on these painful topics. I was shocked by the silence. And then I thought, it’s ok. I’ll listen to myself . I will witness my own pain & suffering. Which I do. The only thing is, without a witness the pain cannot change, and stays trapped inside me.
I can relate so much 😢 When I was 13 I was gang attacked in a locker room in junior high school by a group of boys on the football team. I had holes in the knees of my good dress slacks and told my mother I tripped getting onto the school bus bc I could have never told her what really happened. I didn't talk about it until recently in therapy and I'm 67. It's a horrible desperate thing to have no one to talk to as a kid 😢🙏💖
I agree, there's a missing step to the process without someone else to witness.
I relate completely. I've learned to say to myself "you know that was messed up and it's a shame this person isn't mature enough, mentally healthy enough or moral enough to apologize. I'm sorry that happened to us. I'm accepting, letting go and moving on. This was a defect of character with them and had nothing to do with me."
@@ChooseLoveToday316 Great job validating yourself. It's just so much easier with another person, but somehow every mental health professional I encounter hasn't done their work....
@@jennw6809 yeah many people get into mental health because childhood negatively effected them and they empathize and want to heal others and many times consciously themselves. Some are too arrogant to just admit they need to do more self work and therapy.
Overwhelmingly tragic that you couldn't tell anyone that she assaulted you, and also tragic that nobody, none of the witnesses told anyone.
Educating ourselves on our family of origin dynamic is hugely helpful. It helped me more than any therapist has.
tons of respect man
I think there may even be something more traumatic when you don't see something coming. Its sends a message like the world is not safe and often results in PTSD type symptoms.
Have a lot of deep childhood trauma, but got ran over by a bicyclist once. Was not on a very busy street. Didn’t see any cars, or hear them. Then hear yelling “get out of the way” I think. Right before I feel something hit from behind. He turned a corner, and was going to fast to swerve or stop. He admitted he “was only looking out for cars. Not people”. Sort of wished he didn’t. I know it’s unlikely, but I get this tinge of fair whenever I see one I’ll get run over. It’s less pervasive than my other traumas. Though was so visceral and unexpected. Though, all I managed to do was go limp after the impact. I feel as though it helped me not get too badly hurt.
Wow.. this brought me to tears. I too was bullied. Thank you for sharing.
Ditto-!
The therapists I saw when I was a kid and teen would blame me for being physically mistreated and withheld food at home. Not compassionate
brave daniel, thanks for sharing
I really appreciate you mentioning the need to grieve and cry Daniel. I don't think that gets shared and encouraged enough .. in women OR men. I am a Christian guy and have gone through a lot of Christian counseling. And a long story short, I prayed one day and asked God if there was something I needed to really grieve and cry out to let me do that. Sure enough, one night while reading, something just triggered in me. Something I don't remember anymore but pretty much out of the blue I started crying and grieving over something very personal. It was spot on too for what I needed at that time. So I cried a good 10 minutes, then it let up and I felt incredible afterwards. It was amazing.
My dad was exactly the same way. We moved to a small 5,000 population town when I was ten. Having steady friends was difficult for me since I wasn’t originally from there.
I severed ties from my dad 10 years ago and my life vastly improved.
I was bullied in school for being thin and i saw kids laugh and even good kids look the other way.luckily i was able to talk to my father and he educated me on how people around the world are being mistreated, and how people can form cliques and become very tribal.instead of being angry i study it and try to figure out what makes people tic. It got me started in questioning things which was a really good thing.
I wish you could have been my therapist. You have helped me WAY more with your videos than any counselor!
What you're doing and talking about in all your videos is of paramount importance; a passageway is opening. You are showing many damaged souls a way to freedom. This is GOOD and I thank you:)
What made your story so sad was that even, like your story, my home wasn’t a safe place….if we can’t find compassion at home, why do we expect more from the school system. Compassion and safety has to start at home!!!!!
I had a similar experience, thank you for sharing this video. You have insight that many therapists seem to be missing.
School was an absolute terror for me, I had a sense of dread every morning. The teachers and administrators failed me (and other “troubled” kids) completely. And I went to well funded, well respected, “safe” suburban schools. The kids all bullied each other into ridiculous hierarchies. Each level abusing those below it, with an elite group at the top. It was an utterly dysfunctional and unhealthy learning environment.
Not the same thing, but very recently, I was reliving trauma that people at school delivered to me. For the past 10 years, I was Facebook "friends" with these schoolmates, in masking "what really went down." Just a month or so ago, I deleted all the ones who were mean/bullying/threatening/intimdating to me. I did this when this one girl from my school age years requested me; I deleted the request and she requested me again. I deleted it again and she went away, but it conjured up past resentments and personal shame. These things these children did impacted me in a huge way, I was always feeling empty and lost at school, and in imminent danger to their next ploy. I thought to write them all, but I'm not sure I am in as strong of a mindset as I'd l ike to be, to be able to hear their responses. On another note, I recalled a few times I behaved badly toward a few people, and am more concerned with how to approach them, acknowledging my wrongdoing. But, it also feels rude to trample on into someone's life, and bring up things they aren't prepared to hear, so I'm just sitting on it for now.
In middle school school 44 years ago My twin and I were teased about the way we spoke. We were quiet girls and rarely spoke anyway. One of the boys somehow became a Facebook friend over the years thru connections. I don’t think I’m ready to discuss it with him but now I’m thinking about it. It deeply effected me. My voice has returned thru singing.
At 2:27 I started crying when you mentioned feeling humiliated.
I've had a sort of middle of the night realization recently that parents who have children to try to save their marriage or relationship, which doesn't work (does it ever?) Usually end up taking it out on that child. It's even worse when it follows by divorce. The mother sees the father in the child, and the father sees the mother in the child. Because they can't directly vent onto the other, they take it out on the scape goat representative. I heard this a lot growing up. "You're just like your father/mother". I still hear it from my narcissistic father. Now when I see children, all I see are little humans asking everyone and everything they see, "who am I? Who am I? Tell me who I am..." so important to answer them with love and compassion
So sad pictures of kid looking for a comfort from animals, because people was dangerous. I had been adopted by my cat, she thought I was her kitten. Big warm hugs to you, to the kid you were.
We are getting in society hardly traumatized and then cannot cope with it. So the root reason is mostly in family.
Hearing the story of Daniel being sent to the high school psychologist was gut-wrenching. It reminded me of a time when I was in high school and my own home life was very disruptive. My mom and I were constantly fighting and arguing, she would have borderline-murderous rage towards me. I was staying late at school just to avoid going home. I was privileged enough to be sent to a good school where the counselor was a kindly woman. I was seriously considering seeing her but I foolishly told my dad about this idea. He talked me out of it and said that "there is a protocol" in how to deal with these things. He made it sound so believable that I didn't go through with my plan. Looking back at it, I realized he basically didn't want me airing dirty laundry. He knew his wife was emotionally immature and abusive but did nothing to defend or protect me. In many ways, Daniel's father reminds me of my mom, and his mom reminds me of my dad. I wish I had gone through with it as I would have received some validation that was much needed.
PS - Also at 12:15, when Daniel is describing had the school psychologist had taken a sincere interest in him to ask about his homelife, I was thinking to myself "I would have spilled my guts", right after Daniel said it verbatim. That is some extra validation to me that I'm on the right path to my healing.
Respect for opening up and being so candid. Its helped me to understand why I behaved the way I did in the past. I totally identified with your family life and having no one to talk to.
John Gallagher God bless u John. Too many of us have gone through so much as children. It all breaks my heart. It’s so much harder for guys to come out with this and so brave of you to release this Daniel is such a dear vulnerable person. I just love when men are this honest you are all the best and I wish more men could talk like this. Love and hugs to you.
I admire you Daniel! Greetings from Greece
You evoked some memories in elementary school. Cecelia, an angry Mexican girl I didn't even know knocked the books out of my hand and ran away quickly down the hallway. I was stunned at the humiliation by a girl in front of other classmates. What was her motivation and intent? I was shocked to be soon invited to Cecelia's birthday and had a wonderful time. We didn't become friends because my Mom didn't allow me regular friends, but I somehow came to believe that when a girl likes you, she shows aggression to let you know. I also got bullied after school years later by boys who chased me home and once when I got caught, I fell to the ground before I got hit as a defense tactic and it worked. All I got was spit on. The Mom and step dad weren't someone I could take school bullying to. I was bullied at home. Sarcasm was my defense weapon of choice, which sabotaged a lot of relationships in adulthood. I left at 15 when emotional abuse was no longer sufficient to maintain unquestioning silence, and severe physical abuse kicked in. I wasn't given the tools I needed for life and married a sarcastic bully who had been molested by her father, with deep anger issues against men. I thought I was her hero that would give the love she needed. It was fruitless. How did I become such a bad choice maker with women? Perhaps I was trained to misread social cues and be attracted to abusive women early on. But I broke the cycle when I gave my life to God. I don't want anyone He hasn't unmistakably sent and proven to be a good friend. Love is gentle and kind. Love by any other description is a counterfeit.
Thank you for telling your story.
I had a very similar incident in my life, when I was a kid.
I was about 7 or 8 years old, a skinny Indian kid in a French public school in Paris.
I was alone, feeling self conscious in the bright red coat my mother made me wear, in the school yard, hiding behind a tree maybe, by myself, no friends.
A boy who was maybe a year older than me punched me just as hard as he could in the stomach - i don’t know why. He was mocking me with his bunch of friends.
I doubled over in pain, almost threw up, couldn’t breathe for a while. Intense immobilizing pain.
Same feelings - humiliation, fear, didn’t want anyone to see me, didn’t tell anyone.
But I do believe the teacher who was assigned to watch the school yard saw this and looked me in the eyes with pity and maybe disgust, and said nothing.
Maybe I told my mom months later.... can’t remember anything was ever done or said to the boy.
Didn’t tell the teacher either. I wanted to hide.
I never did follow that kid, or remember his name, or confront him years later like you did, with this story of how he traumatized me and how I felt ... lost sight of him after leaving that school a few years later. I have not found the compassion of forgiving him though, or to think of what he must have suffered at the hands of a parent to be able to do this. I vaguely hope he had a sad life and reaped the consequences of being such a violent person.
This is thé third of your vidéos That I've Watched. May I Say What I think? You are à very unusual person. Thé négativity in your childhood pushed You to bé better, not worse. Your honesty and integrity (wholeness) seem so natural, but are so rare... They let You not only survive, but survive intact, and grow, even if with scars. Too Bad You didn't stay à therapist, there are so few with your gifts and so Many needy people who Never found their way, liké You did... But I understand there's à limit to how much one can give, because we don't have unlimited emotionally réservés. But behind thé screen, protected from direct contact, and in accord with your own innér needs, I Hope you'll continue to Share. It's healing to listen... Thanks for being You.
Daniel, thank you so much for sharing this. I really felt every bit of it, and I especially felt such a compassion and sweetness towards the little boy I saw in those pictures. I could really see a beautiful, sensitive kid there. It's no wonder that you grew up to be interested in helping people heal, and the way you finally healed that trauma was nothing short of world-class.
Believe it or not, I related to your story about the bully girl and the locker incident almost verbatim - only, with an ironic twist! (But unlike you, I did not experience any long-term or extended trauma from it.) When I was in 7th grade there was an enormous girl named Pauline Hibbert (who was probably left back a few times, hence, the reason why she was already a fully developed woman still in the 7th grade). In fact, she was actually notorious for being a very bad kid within the school - she once had a knife in school. For whatever random reason, she decided to pick on me. As I look back on it now, I think it was due to jealousy of me, because I did have lots of good friends and was well-liked, and I think she wanted what I had. Anyway, in between class she would walk behind me and kick me in the ass. Her goal was to knock me down and humiliate me. After trying to convince her (to no avail) that she needed to stop doing this (daily), I decided to tell someone: THE PRINCIPAL. So, he called us both down to his office and had a little "talk" with us. He somehow convinced Pauline that she was treading on very thin ice and that she should apologize to me. I accepted her apology, and we shook hands in his office. Outside his office, she asked me if I wanted to hang out with her at lunch, and even though I wanted nothing to do with her, I said yes, because I didn't want to start getting kicked in the ass again. Gradually, we became "friends" and would often spend our lunch period together.
Here's the twist: Fast forward to later that school year, and one of the dirt-bag kids (Kevin Fitzgerald) slammed me into my opened locker for no reason, other than that he needed to hurt someone. Before I knew what hit me, he bolted down the hall. I was stunned. As I was collecting myself, who do I see walking towards me, but, my pal, Pauline, and she was PISSED! She had decided that she was now going to act as MY bodyguard. She caught up with the punk, and let's just say, that hall fight resulted in Pauline landing back in the principal's office again, only THIS time, it was because she was defending me! LOL
Obviously, my story is not about needing to heal a childhood trauma. But I wanted to share it, because there were some similarities with your story, and it triggered the memory for me. Wishing you continued peace-of-mind and much love...
I’m sorry you went through that but thank you for sharing your story. That is a hilarious outcome that started badly with you getting kicked in the ass.
@@vlogcity1111 , aw thanks for reading my story! When your commented alert came in, I happened to be talking to an old friend from school, and when I was reminded that I had shared this story here, I decided to read it to my friend over the phone. And guess what she told me! That Pauline Hibbert also scared the crap out of her, too! LOL We both laughed about how enormous and threatening she was...
Same! When I got away from my family I walked more into my own and removed a lot of false beliefs.
I can relate a lot. I was also beaten, not only by one, but by 3 girls, continuously. And also by boys. We lived very similar traumatic experiencies... Sending you love. Thanks for sharing.
I would have defended you. You were a precious little boy.
My experience was nothing like I'm reading here yet it was mine and is still with me. I'm 65 now. These videos are great.
I'm so glad you wrote to her and told her what she did to you - and I'm also just as glad that you unfriended her too.
This is 100% true. When someone does this to you, it grows into a constant fear or a desire for revenge. I was bullied by my parents too, but the truth is that they were both cowards. They could intimidate me into obedience, but they couldn't stand up to their neighbors and relatives.
You're an incredibly big, sweet, considerate person. I'm glad she had grown to be somewhat reflective and I'm glad you stopped dreaming about her.
Thank you for sharing. I welled up a few times. I was regularly bullied by a boy from preschool thru to late primary/elementary school. I would always tell my parents and they never intervened and told me to stand up to him. It wasn’t until one day I came home bleeding that anything got done about it. And even then, nothing was really done. You’re a wonderful human, Daniel Mackler, and so brave. I’m glad the trauma resolved. And yeah, if only the others were so clean cut to deal with/transcend xx
You really showed the depth of that incident. Not surprised life hadn’t treated her well either. I had trouble dealing with hormonal bully girls too. Some teenage girls are dangerous. One girl wouldn’t leave me and my friends alone and she was walking behind me and kicking the back of my feet in the hallway and after months of this I wheeled around and punched her and she fell against a metal bar on the concrete wall. I was so afraid and shaking. But I bent over her slumped over on the floor and told her if she ever looked at me again I would kill her. Just as this happened choir let out and the teacher saw all this. I was called to the principle’s office. I went in to his office and he just dropped his pen. I was and am the most mild mannered blonde bookworm you could imagine. He asked what happened and I told him her friends had tripped me down some concrete stairs and I fell and hit my head and this had been going on for six months. He said she was hurt. I refused to apologize and told him to tell her to leave me and my friends alone. He said I don’t think she will be bothering you anymore. I had complained at school and told my mother who gave me permission to punch her. I do think that authorities want this going on in school and work and society in general. It keeps us in a controllable fearful state.
Yeah, you can be haressed for months at a time and no authority really cares. I had a bunch of dudes at different times doing that kind of stuff to me when I was between 9-16 yo, like I'm the schools ultimate asshole magnet. Tripping, stepping on my feet, kicking, punching, throwing pinecones, following to stalking, namecalling, that went on for years overall. And the few of those situations that teachers knew of they would not inform my parents (mother) of. Not that that would change anything I would not have any faith in my parents left by that time. "Staff" pretty much just ignores you and when they force your tormentors to stop you never get vindicated (I got a chocolate bar once, lol, after months of stalking that ended up in a fight).
It's just discrimination, if they want you to be defenseless they will apply all the demagogy needed.
Daniel it breaks my heart ❤️ for you and what u went through. What a precious young boy you were and no one appreciated and loved u like u deserved. I wish I could sit down and talk with you for days.
Even to this day whenever I see a small group of people looking in my direction a fleeting thought crosses my mind that they will all start jeering me and then converge upon me to exact complete humiliation...so I tense up and get ready to smash their bones in the event. School was a hideous nightmare - and not just for me. Home was no respite, that environment made me feel abjectly ashamed of myself. This was over 25 years ago...cuts deep.
Your youtube channel is like having a super insightful and sensitive older brother who I can come to with my difficult problems when life gets complicated. Thanks.
I can relate. Grade 6 was like Lord of the Flies for me.
People talk about ACE scores for family trauma, but consistent peer bullying in school is vastly underestimated for how vicious and destructive it is.
I'm 21 and just starting to practice self compassion. Thank you so much for putting this stuff out here for everyone to see on CZcams for free. I'm learning more about how to deal with emotional pain and trauma and practice self-compassion from your videos than I ever have from high school, college, or my family or friends. I'm learning more about life and psychology than I arguably ever have, and it's thanks to your videos.
I too was verbally mean to people and actually still am online, specifically on Omegle - to random strangers. I'm very antisocial and barely go out of my room. Still live with my parents. I'm not sure why I'm mean to people but I'm guessing that it has to do with the fact that I feel like no one really cares about me or listens to me and I feel the need to take my anger and frustration out on other people.
Hopefully, if I practice self-compassion, I can improve my productivity and happiness and find purpose in life, and consequently stop being mean to people Online and actually start being productive.
It's interesting - you were brutally honest in this video, it would seem, and I feel the need to mirror that in a CZcams comment now by being brutally honest about who I am.
Anyway, yeah, you've got guts to put this Online for everyone to see. Thank you.
I remember walking to school one morning, must have been about 9 or 10. On the way, two girls threw raw eggs at me. The girls were in the year above me at school but I didn't know them. I can still remember the burning shame and humiliation of seeing that bright yellow egg yolk on my little white ankle socks. I didn't tell a soul, until now.
That was a proper story with a beginning, middle, and end. Thanks.
I understand. I was in a military family and attended 9 schools in 13 years.. Was raped three times an now I find myself existing physically alone 90 percent of the time. Working the 12 step program has helped me to deal with the pain growing up. I might get brave enough one day to go into more details of my upbringing.. My dad died in front of me nearly six years ago an have written him three letters an they go into details. Take care
I recommend Sam Vaknin's youtubes for psychodynamic insight...
My father was my abuser in all manner of interactions. I was raped by my day mother's son too, and my mother knew about both abusers, and she did nothing. It is such a deep wounding, our perception becomes distorted to sense of our innocence and sense of safety. I too isolate a lot, it is normal when we do not feel safe in this world. I am sending youso much healing and strength. I see you, I see your pain, I see your strenght, you are not your trauma. If you can find safe community it makes all the difference to healing.
You are so brave. I am so sorry for the trauma you experienced
@@PortraitoftheArtistasanOldDog8 I don’t
Very similar event in my life. Had the wind knocked out of me frequently, by a boy in my neighborhood growing up. It's a painful and yes embarrasing event, with no rhyme or reason. But my Dad taught me how to punch back, not like a "girl" but really punch back. Long story shortened. The next time he came at me, I gave him back every bit of pain and embarrassment he'd given me, with one good wallup right in the gut! And he never bothered me again. It was an invalluable lesson for me, to learn to stand tall, and hopefully a dish of humble pie for him.
My heart breaks for you 💔 thank you for bringing awareness. I was punched all the time in the arm and in the head by boys at school, and I also never told anyone and just held the shame, thinking it was just normal
When I was young, I was picked on in 4th grade for not acting my age. They would call me a "3rd grader". When I told my mom about it she told me to "get over it". In retrospect it's an unhealthy thing to tell your child.
This video makes me think back to those times when I was in grade school.
Thanks for sharing dude. I met you a couple months ago hope you remember! You’re one of the reasons I keep pushing forward on this journey.
I get excited every time I see new videos! Lolol
greetings! and thanks!
gay
@@hol-upLIL-bit feel better now?
Red Mob 😹😹😹
Thx for sharing this. Yes, sometimes it is just that simple to take our power back in a healthy way. We have no control nor responsibility over another person's reaction or behavior. It isn't about them, as your story shows. It is about Us and OUR healing. 💑🙌
Some people there are in a therapist role have no business in their jobs. They don’t know how to deal with people that are having difficulties. The need to look for a different profession
Watching you describe your healing process on CZcams reminds me a bit of sitting in 12 step meetings (which I believe Higher Power led me to, and kept me from committing suicide), and hearing people tell stories about their childhoods I could so relate to. Thank you for "sharing." Especially as a male in a patriarchal culture that shames people, but especially men in particular, if they are not "macho" and "stoic," your baring your spirit and soul is so healing to see and hear. Not just because I can so relate, but to hear you describe your healing process, that it is possible, feels like such a gift. It is a gift, truly.
Your photos, in a way, remind me of me, when I was 13 years old (although I was born a female, and identify as a female). At home I'd been the scapegoat, and that probably affected my growth and development, and so throughout school I had always been the shortest kid, and I was also thin.
You were born to spiritually blind people, because you were such a sweet, beautiful and gentle child.
I got my butt kicked in school, and "mother dearest" the narcissist, on the occasions when she needed to "vent and dump" her venom, would say to me, with such sadistic glee, that I'd probably done something in order for the kids to hit me. So, when I was 11, and my older "brother" who was 16 and her Golden Child, raped me, I didn't say anything to her (or anyone, for that matter ), because I knew what she would have done with that information.
As much as my life became a nightmare (D.I.D., Depression, alcoholism, habituation to nicotine and pain killers, overeating), I finally found my way, By Higher Power's Grace and Blessing, to A.A. and other 12 step programs where I began to heal. Certainly not anywhere near as fast as I would like, but I'm healing. Finally, I understand, spiritually, something I'd never been able to understand before: I'm worth living for because I am a child of The Absolute, and what sick and twisted people said and did to me WAS NOT any reflection of me. It spoke volumes of the people they'd become. My relationship with the real me, and my Real and True Higher Power, my True Creator, that is what I am able to get up for every day. Anyone, and everything else, that comes after that, is icing on the cake! And that is not narcissism. That is simply not looking outside of me anymore for a reason to go on. Just like anyone and everyone else, there is a treasure trove of blessings within me, Bestowed to me By Higher Power, for me to continue discovering and enjoying.
You are 100% correct: I need to look within, the answers are within me. I love to journal and draw, among other beautiful spiritual practices, and they show me the way to my within. I believe that Higher Power Resides within me, the Real One, not the "mean, old man with long while hair" that I learned about in childhood. That is what feels meaningful for me, and is helping find my way out of the "bunker" in which I survived.
I'm sorry to have gone on for so long. But, seeing your photos brought back a flood of memories. Thank you for being on this planet. Thank you for enduring. And thank you for the gift you are!
Here is one, I never was popular I just didn't care I wanted to be left alone to do my own thing. I had the usual stresses but as long as the oldest brother was still in the military I had plenty of ability to unwind from the bullshit. When my brother from the military came back I was 12 years old. He immediately started on me, first incident was in the car as my mother was driving away from fort bragg. He had apparently been trying to call for about 90 minutes as his paperwork was done rather fast. My mother didn't want to sit around so she took me out and about. He basically blamed me for that and cocked his fist at me from the front seat. That was the first indication I was in for hell on earth in the house. My mother basically tried to live a leave it to beaver episode for about a two years until I finally had my first real mental break down and was hospitalized. He had been tormenting me which just added to the misery of what kids had been doing to me at school. I went to two different private schools and in each one as tormented by the trash and garbage that attended. About a year after my first breakdown I was hospitalized again. This time I was placed on meds he still wouldn't stop his shit with me. Finally, I said fuck the meds. I was about 16 at the time. He kept his shit up with me until one fine summer he was mouthing off about me to the relatives and that was it. I basically tried to tenderize his face with my fist. I ended up getting pulled off of him by my father and the second oldest brother (who was 11 years older than me). I was dragged into the house by both my father and second oldest brother. I ended up in the kitchen. The bully brother (and oldest who was 12 years older than me) kept shooting his mouth off about me trying to save face. His words finally got me in a fuming rage to the point I grabbed a kitchen knife and was going to shut him up forever. I was stopped by my father and second oldest brother but in the process, I believe the oldest brother shit his pants and cried out, "baker act him!"
All the shit my oldest brother did to me, nothing was more destructive than what he did to a little girl who I had first seen in the mental hospital and then the next time I was in class with her. The oldest brother managed to run the poor girl off and I believe he did so by faking he was me (our voices sound similar). I had tried inviting her over one weekend just so she could have a bit of time socializing with me while swimming and having a good time in each others company. That never happened, I had forgot to get her phone number since I was so jittery about life (and I think the meds helped cause this) that it was the perfect storm she ended up thinking I tricked her and never came back to school. I only found out about a year ago that she had been baker acted 3 more times in her life at the age of 32. She's now my age and has done nothing with her life from what I have been lead to believe. This one of the events between the second hospitalization and when I exploded at my abusive jerk brother that will always haunt me now that I know what damage was done. I am married now though but my mind sometimes spins up so many incidents of pain and horror I had been put through that I cringe over it. I don't call this a case of one that got away, it was more like chased away from me. Sometimes the people who hurt you the worst are the ones you call "family."
Yup! Middle school, Junior high, high school trauma 😱
And the nightmares ..!
I went through the same thing..!
Our subconscious mind is ever so powerful but the power is within US!
Wishing everyone here and Daniel lots love and happiness ❤
I always have had to be my own advocate bc I had no one either who cared to listen. My childhood was brutal.
My brother was badly bullied for years in school but the first person to bully him was my father. Our father told the world how to treat him.
Thank you, Daniel for your courage to share your story and to be vulnerable with us. You really are a beam of hope to human soul. Love from South Africa🇿🇦
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm so happy for you for working through your pain and healing yourself. Its inspiring.
I make videos that are kind of similar to this, but I come from a much different background
I am with someone who all the time puts down my youtube channel and my videos ...
(thankfully i have really amazing Kind Souls and Good Hearts that found me and are incredibly incredibly supportive )
But having seen and gotten something out of this, lets me consider what I am doing from another point of view..& confirms for me I am doing something worthwhile and it makes sense I find it fulfilling.
Thank you again for making these- forgive me for all the comments.
Like I said, it’s a bummer day- and as a recluse I have to find ways other than friends to help feel better.
Imagine being hit like that as a 8 year old girl - by my older brother. I had to live with getting beaten up daily. I’m an old woman now and finally decided to stop communicating with my birth family. The trauma has lasted my lifetime and I suffer physical health problems as well as PTSD from it.
It's a mystery to me how anyone could be motivated to do such a hideous thing to someone completely unprovoked
What a great, relatable, concise story! I'm glad she believed your rendition of the occurrence, as oftentimes those who act out end up denying it when they don't remember. I think the shame can be too strong for them to face. I wonder if she really later *did* think about it, and subsequently recalled the memory/behavior, and perhaps also recalled other ill behaviors she used on others at times in her life.
This reminded me of an incident when I was around 10. I moved to a new area, new school and no friends. My mother is a tremendous bully and my dad, not much better. I started off in my new school quite well, was doing well in class (first time ever, I had many issues from even kindergarten age due to abuse suffered at home) and made a lot of friends with the neighborhood kids including the girl who scared everyone in my year who happened to live two doors down. Anyhoo, one day for no reason she turned on me and punched me bang in the face. I was so shocked I froze as she walked off. I started shaking and slipped off to cry alone. I was scared stupid, I've never been violent. Later at home my dad asked what was wrong and when I told him, he and my mother marched me up the road to her house, knocked on her door and demanded she come out so we could fight it out! Well she pulled no punches (excuse the pun) and she started hitting me again. I was dragged off home and my parents tore into me for not defending myself, telling me I was weak and my.mum even said I was pathetic. I felt so scared at home and now so scared to go to school the next day. At school the news went round like wildfire and we had a few incidents but after a week or so I got so fed up that when she squared up to me, by now she was super confident, I punched her hard and caught her lovely on the nose. Down she went, right there in front of everyone who had gathered round. I got suspended for a few days, which made my mother so mad as she had to take time off work. I got slapped for that when we got home. Years later she friend requested me on FB but I didn't accept and shortly after that I deactivated my account as I don't want to.be easily accessible to everybody but from looking at her profile, time hadn't been kind to her either. I do forgive her, she had just as bad a childhood as me, we just channeled it differently, but I'll never forgive my parents for putting me in that situation. I never thought of it as overly as traumatic compared to other issues I had at the time but clearly it did. I've never punched anyone since thankfully but my parents reaction was just and still is bizzare to me. That's what hurt me the most.
Thank you for this, I hope the girl is doing better now. She should take up boxing, she had the coordination and fighting spirit 😂 As for me, well I prefer to talk it out.
What's super interesting about your story is that 1) your dad actually asked you what's wrong and 2) you told him. It's still a very bizarre story however in most dysfunctional families there is no attunement and no sharing. Usually the parents are completely checked out and the child has so much shame they don't share anything.
Thank you so much, Daniel, for your strength and courage to share your trauma experience. Can you share what has helped you to heal from this cruelty that comes out of nowhere from others? I too have had similar experiences. I have been ganged up on by girls and violently assaulted simply because I did well in athletics. I guess it made the girl jealous. So she had me ganged up on and held down while being assaulted. Several of them. One of me. This happened on several occasions. I was terrified to walk home everyday. I too never told my parents. I was also beaten daily by family so that was not a place to go for protection.
Fast forward years later, as an adult...
When I went into an outpatient program to address and heal from the trauma of abuse. I shared the pain of the humiliation, of being chained up, labeled, abused. I just wanted to talk about it, and suddenly found myself being taken down and physically restrained simply because I talked about my despair over this treatment. I was not a danger to self or others. I was simply in emotional pain. I was dragged away by my arms and locked up. My therapist did nothing to stop this. She watched it happen. I begged her to stop this. I tried to reason with her that I had just expressed how I was hurt this same way as a child and teen, and now it was happening again in a therapist office! This was done with so much hostility by my "treatment team." There was no compassion. I did nothing wrong. I have had nightmares nightly ever since. I lost the support I thought I had from outpatient program because I honestly shared my pain and suffering. I feel so betrayed and lied to and violated by the very people I had trusted to hear me with compassion. I feel like I did when abused all those years as a child. Lost. Hated. Violated. Humiliated. Rejected. Labeled. Punished. Like I did something wrong. Being bullied is a nightmare. Where can I go from here?
Thanks for opening up. I got beat up too by a girl few times in elementary school. The thing was, my mom use to beat me up too, so I couldnt tell her that. I can also relate to your father bullying you. Mine was just more abandoning type, bullying at times, especially when I was little.
@14 minutes, that was one of my biggest growing up and leaving moments of my life!
The advantage of PTSD over CPTSD is that you remember/know only to well exactly what happened. Much simpler!
In the same way others can have a negative effect upon us, which we carry around with us for years, people can also have a positive effect on us which is never fully acknowledged. A simple kindness of opening a door for someone, or letting someone go in front of you in a line, while insignificant in and of itself, could be the spark of kindness that kindles the flame of kindness in another, without every being formally acknowledge by either party.
We have the potential to carry great burdens within our body and psyche for years, which may have only taken a second or two to occur, like your example, but when we become fully present in the moment by moment unfolding, we are carrying the burden, not the person who did it to us, or anyone else. They gave us an experience, and all these years we've held onto it as though our life depended upon it. The fact is, we can let go of any and all of those burdens, which darken and sadden our current moment by moment life unfolding, because they are like smoke, with little to no substance, and easily dissipate, by exhaling them, letting them go.
To me, the real sad thing is, we punish ourselves for years, when we are the only one who holds the key to our own freedom and joy in life.
You’re such a wonderful person, God bless you.
I think the most important thing in traumas is to realize what that incident make a us feel at that very specific period of life. As we try to understand it with an adult mind it is quite difficult to feel sympathy for the little child we were and heal from it. This video is quite helpful thank you
Thank you for sharing that story - resonated a lot with my experiences.
As I listen to your childhood trauma analysis, I can relate a lot to how you feel... I think I'll do an analysis for my inner child too.
When I heard Daniel talk about going hitchhiking later on, I connected so much. I did the same thing. I hitchhiked all over the country, and even some of Europe, with little to no money, I guess just trying to find my true self and gain a sense of security and empowerment from being able to survive in the world without anyone's help. If nothing else, it was driven home hard into me "the world owes you nothing!"
Daniel, I'm sorry that happened to you. Thanks for sharing your situation.
sorry Daniel. I acknowledging those feelings. I did a similar reconnecting thing, but it was from later on but still a very affecting and humiliating incident, involving two people, and I had been given the gift of information that solved some questions I was puzzled by for many years. So basically serendipity. I contacted one of the people and gave my point of view then, and now, and cleared it. I stated my thoughts, and let it go and felt amazingly lighter. We can release things that hold energy, robbing our current life force. For the incidents where there is no way of connecting from our present, I think we can send a resolution, in our minds, and deal with our grief. I going to work on it anyway. Thanks for sharing, it's very generous of you.
I felt so bad when you started sharing this experience but felt a relief at the end. It made me tear up. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for sharing! I glad this incident has been resolved in your mind.
Bless you, Daniel. Thank you for making this video. You are not only extremely open, but so wise and kind. You have shared so well. I'm so sorry for what was done to you, and so grateful to you for being so helpful
I had a similar experience in the cloak room in 7th grade. Another boy had thrown my bag on a cupboard and when I reached up to retrieve he punched me as hard as he could in my stomach and I couldn't breath and collapsed on the floor. There were many other kids there that witnessed this but none of them asked if I needed help or told the teacher, or any authority. I was so shocked and confused I just sat in the cloak room until I was the only one left and my mom, who waiting outside to pick me up, finally came in to see what was going on.
The day after word had gotten out that the kid who did it was in big trouble, not really though, not even expelled as I recall but enough that the other class mates where shaming him for what he had done, even though they watched and often encouraged this behavior towards me, and many actually bullied me the same but no one ever thought twice about it because they were never caught and I rarely complained because I knew it was futile. Edit: Things were back to normal a week later and bullying and abusing me was cool again.
Thank you Daniel for sharing this experience with such honesty. So, so sad this had to happen to a you. I will take what I learned from listening and help someone I know that has experienced trauma such as yours.
You are an incredible person. Always know that!
Thanks, Daniel! You are really helping people with these videos.