Saving My Mother: Do I Have a Responsibility to Help My Parents Emotionally Heal?
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- čas přidán 27. 12. 2020
- Thank you for watching this video. It was not an easy one for me to make (emotionally, that is!)
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A lot of us have already learned the hard way: you can’t do someone else’s inner work for them
What if those needing inner work are too old? Is there a cut off date for the aged?
Is it fair to confront a parent near death's door?
@@bellakrinkle9381 In my experience, confrontation doesn’t work with a narc because they’re unable to self-reflect, take accountability and genuinely apologize. If they were that type of person, they’d done it a long time ago. They’ll most likely turn it around on you. I think Daniel says something similar
Exactly!
It's taken forever to fix myself. Now it's too late, both deceased. I had to analyze both of them in order to understand the family dynamics. Life is simply too short to fix/cure anyone except ourselves. This is the reason that each human will return again in order to get straight with themselves. Do you believe me? Of course I don't know, absolutely...it's just my guess. Decide for yourselves.
@@kirstinstrand6292 yes, inner work does take a long time.. even trying to undo bad coping mechanisms and habits is a big job.. and trying to understand why we developed them in the first place
I like that "it's not the responsibility of the traumatized to heal the traumatizer."
Amen!!
Have you actually felt like you’ve made significant progress trying to heal someone who traumatized you? The dynamic makes it difficult or impossible it’s not just you deciding if you want to or not
Hmm, I think when it comes to parents and friends it's a bit different. It's even a thing that you can't even be your friend's shrink, let alone your parents'. You're too close to the situation and the boundaries are too fuzzy for it to work properly.
People cannot be healed if they reject to work on themselves. We can try to help but we cannot carry their responsibility for them.
I got my dad to quit drinking before leaving for China for 7 years. I suspect he started drinking again after my half-sister intentionally ODed. I saw how much he did for her. Why would I owe him anything?
I ended up losing my career, my home, my savings trying to take care of people who didn’t care about me. Lost everything..and then when I was homeless, they didn’t care. You can’t earn anyone’s love. They either love you or they don’t.
Has Goodles Thank you. I’m still struggling financially but the Lord is slowly restoring my life. I started a non-profit to help heal trauma and PTSD through the arts. Bless you!!!
Ayyy same
indeed
Mate , I’ve had very similar
I’m slowly brick by brick building the better future I think I might not get .. it’s not stopping me trying
I’m heartbroken but determined, I hope you are too
🫡
@@Dinadino994 Yes. I work 14 hours a day six days a week. I haven’t had a week off for over 10 years. I take one weekend off of year. I’m so tired I can’t even think. And the criminal is walking around Free with $2 million of my money. The police tell me they can’t do anything unless I’m dead. Some things are worse than death… Like only existing to pay your attorney bills and the debt but they put you in.
The solution is to become our own loving parent.
That is indeed the solution.
💯
True. You can't be responsible for your parents and their emotional states. It is too much of a burden. I lived at home until I was 27. I was my mom's live-in counselor. I always tried to "help" her. I defended her against all who hurt her, etc. I was the protector. She was the child. It drained me. I didn't have my own life, because I was too worried about hers. It is no way to live, for a parent to feed off of the emotional support of their child, so they can make it through life. I met a man. Got married. And, moved away from my folks. I have 3 children now, and am so glad I got away from my family. I don't know where the courage came from to leave, because people would ask me "what about your mom?" Like I was expected to sacrifice my life for my mom's. To never leave her. I'm not in real contact with my parents now, and when I think of them, I actually get creeped out. Picturing myself having a relationship with them, makes me feel icky inside -- like I have to sacrifice myself to get their "love" and/or approval. I'll never sacrifice myself again. They got 27+ years to warp and twist my mind. They're not getting anymore. Save yourself, because your parents surely won't.
@Abby I'm happy for you, that you got away. :) I have a brother, who's 34. He lives at home still. I don't think he's gonna make it out. :( It's some sick business when parents emotionally feed off their children. Some people think that kind of "close" relationship shows how tight-knit the family is. Those people don't have a clue what's really going on. (smh)
I also feel icky about the emotional incest I endured for too many years. I have to forgive myself for staying stuck in it for decades.
@Abby Thank you for such a nice and supportive message. You saying "you got this" actually choked me up a bit. I look back and have a hard time recalling times where my folks supported me. I also wonder if they ever truly loved me, because I don't remember feeling loved. Life can be pretty brutal sometimes, can't it? But, it can also have it's good moments - like this short dialog with you, a stranger. Good luck to you in your journey. :)
@@polyglotta1 I understand. It is icky having someone sucking off your life force -- using you to sustain themselves. Reminds me of what vampires do. I was in the dysfunction for decades as well. It's neither of our faults, because the system we were born into, was set up before we ever were. You came out of it. You did good.
@@jalena3379 I don't think parents like this are capable of real love, they're too much in 'survival-at-all-costs' mode. That's a hard pill to swallow, but it doesn't stop us from being better parents to ourselves (can take a while to reprogramme ourselves though!)
My parents wanted me to parent them, even at a very young age. They wanted me to heal the damage caused by their parents. But when I got older and started having severe mental health issues due to the abuse I suffered at their hands, they judged me and abandoned me.
God I think that happens to so many young people in the psychiatric ward
I'm sorry this happened to you. I became very spiritual recently and I found comfort in that I love my spiritual higher power and they love me. As far as dealing with peoples nonsense what I have learned is they usually have one of two motives when they hurt others. The first motive is Malice. The second is Stupidity/Dysfunction. I try to get away from anyone engaging in the first. The second I can either forgive or accept.
Ugh, that sounds so painful. I'm sorry you had to go through all that.
My insidious mother.
Daniel, you are a hero. You have helped so many of us. You can’t help your parents but you have helped us, your fellow once abused children!
Right on! Thank you Daniel 😊
lol ☺
Thank you for your video. My Mum stayed with a man who sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally abused me from the age of 5 until age 48. My mum died 2 yars before him so he cut me from the bulk of the inheritance. He lleft my 3 siblings who he loved millions of dollars, property and possessions. I could have contested the will but the pain of having to see and fight my estranged siblings was too overwhelming. In the end all i wanted was love and a step father who truly accepted me as his own. My mother I realise was the real problem. She should have left the 1st time she saw him violate me.
No matter what we do as children to parents like this, it is never enough. Their behaviour never changes. I always get blamed for everything even in my adult life. I just don't care anymore. One thing that's always stood out to me is my mom said to me, "can't you stop wanting a mom and just be my friend." I will never forget that.
ugh.. mine would swing between "I'm your best friend" to "I'm your mom" whenever it suits the situation.. ie the former when she needed me to be there for her, and the ladder when she needed to force me to do something I didn't want to do.
That is spoken out loud admission
Omg, my mum has said that to me so many times. I feel like I carry the weight of their suffering on my shoulders
Wow....just wow.
Kinda reminds me of Gilmore Girls....
A child is NEVER responsible for the parent!
Oh yes...I know this story. I was my mother's professional listener from the time I could first hear her voice. I listened until she died at age 93 in 2018 and all the time angry at her for never listening to me without her eyes glazing over. But, she was the sweetest lady on earth and no one ever let me forget it! 🥳 Now, five years later, I'm pretty much cried out and feeling sort of happy despite being a broken-down 75-year-old lady!😂
P.S. I'm a retired therapist in Oregon.😊
💚 you may enjoy Clarisssa Pinkola Estes audiobooks… all gold for the soul and spirit! Jay Reid is another great resource of understanding/freedom
this is good source material for a novel/movie
@@marisela7825 it’s called learning from his mistake of being in an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship that drains you. That’s why you have to disconnect from some people for your own well-being.
Oh, the pain of adult children of toxic, immature, sociopath, narcissistic parents. 😢
Pain. But not responsibility ! :)
@@catalinafirefly4685 Indeed.
Okay - yes these people are despicable . . . the way they treat their kids. But at some point we all need to ask - - - Why is the mom so damaged? Why did she make these choices? Is there any good left or is she consumed by all her demons now? SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO???
This kind of behavior comes from women and men who grew up being sexually, mentally, physically and emotionally abused every day - sometimes the whole day. (okay you are now bringing up that this dad happen to your mom) Some of them can be healed - MOST can't.
Where does our part in this stop for a healthy level for us?
I REALLY LIKE YOU DANIEL Mackler - I like your honest and where with all about life. You are a HEALER in our world.
@@WhaleCommunicators plenty of people grew up abused and choose not to become abusers themselves after escaping their toxic environment. It's a choice.
Worst burden ever
This is exactly what my therapist said to me yesterday. He said it was not my responsibility to help my mother heal her trauma. Thank you for confirming it. I feel relief and a sense of freedom. I subconsciously believe I'm not 'allowed' to heal, unless I share that knowledge with my mother in helping *her* also heal.
Was caught in that trap too! Introspection, willingness/wanting to grow is an inner drive that can’t be given to anyone… it’s a spiritual choice! Giving up that toxic hope and focusing on myself~growth at leaps and bounds! 💚
Interesting observation. You've given me something to think about. !!
She knew you had to get up early and take that long drive, but she didn't care. You're such a wonderful person Daniel, you deserved better.
The night before my sister's wedding shower, my father was in the hospital with a supposed heart attack ( that turned out to be an anxiety attack). My mother kept me up all night complaining about how it would impact her if he died. Not one mention of caring about him, just "how could he do this to ME". The next day I went to the shower an exhausted mess, and my mother didn't go claiming to be too upset, my sister had no parents at her shower. By the time the shower was over my father was home and they were both acting like nothing happened.
Same... I can't stand how they can act as if nothing happened. They are like possessed for some time and turn back to their routine life whereas they have damaged incredibly the son and the daughters when they are "possessed." (which is the actually their true hurtful and carefree self.)
" I was trained to put my mom first, to love her to the best of my ability till she would be a mom to be, care for me, all that love would boomerang to me like trickle down economics"
Such a good upload during the holidays, a sad time for many adult survivors of abuse. Thank you.
Wow.
Same deal with me. Gotta love the Latin culture that shoves this mentality down our throats. I regret not leaving my mother a long time ago.
I really needed this one, thank you! I have felt perpetually guilty for pulling away in my late 20s to finally no longer be their 'therapist'/emotional caregiver and create boundaries. My parents acted surprised that I would do this and have expected me to continue to fix them/make them happy, when in fact I needed so much time alone/away from their toxicity to heal and to find who I am before all the enmeshment and 'being a good child'. And no they don't change so I got really burnt out trying to help them and resentful. Even my therapists could not have said what you said and I am really appreciative of the validation you give to children of dysfunctional families.
@@marisela7825 I didn't try to change them other than because I couldn't get away from them to make the situation more tolerable, I had school and stress too you know growing up. How do you live with people who constantly fight violently with each other and pick fights with you? they would always find a way to drag me into their drama and games and make me a punching bag. I couldn't get away from them, even when I moved away. Just to get away was hard enough, my mom the worst abuser lashed out at me many times just for moving out. I don't think you understand how toxic/abusive/possessive some parents can be. It's like an ex boyfriend/cult that you can't break up with due to this "biological link". These people do not deserve to be parents to begin with. They are not my parents, they are more like jail wardens who I finally broke free from.
Do not pretend you understand these cases because you haven't gone through it yourself. About 25 years of my life was in hell and spent around demons.
Fast forward now I sort of got away, after years of trying.
I looked after my mother since I was a kid. I kept doing it for years way past the point of burnout. At 35 I could no longer do it. I found the best nursing home I could and put her in there. I feel guilty often but if I did not do what I did my mental would have gone down the toilet. I also needed to get on with my life. Within a year I was married and have been now for the last 4 years.
Almost killed myself saving my mom to get her to love me, so my life would be saved. It's not your job to heal your parents, it doesn't work. We have to save and heal ourselves, as hard as that is. Great video.
Thanks for staying with us. It's helpful to hear what you have to share.
My mother, who spent ~15 years (cumulatively) away from her children and husband during her divorce sprees had the audacity to throw the "But we're getting _old_ now!" guilt-trip at me when I finally told them not to contact me again.
I could have gone OFF but just ended it silently there. #breathe
I can really relate Daniel. I have gone through similar experience. They have to want to change. Life is too short to put ourselves through that trauma. Mine also hated me for causing them pain by telling them the truth.
Same here
Same, and all boyfriends Iv hade, have been the same. Abandoning me when I want to talk about ouer relationship.
Don't try to wake people up', all it does is; you show them that they've already driven over a cliff. Sometimes it's best just to let them go out peacefully. Otherwise' they'll just try to drag you down with them. They're not looking to turn the car around.
so so true....
Sad truth. 😢
True .. the vast majority are looking to pull you down into the abyss with them than trying to get out
Uau, good wording.
so well said
A huge step in my healing process was realizing that I was under no obligation to take care of my mother's emotional needs. She'd been using me in this way all my life, but she was a black hole of need that could never be filled. I did everything I could to make her happy, but it was never enough and came at the tremendous cost of my own happiness. We can't control anything in the external world, the only true power we have is managing our own inner world. The more I detach from my mother and the drama and disentangle myself from the codependent relationship that she'd fostered between us since my childhood, the more I heal.
A parent has the obligation to nurture and care for their offspring, but a child is under no such obligation to take care of the parent, even though that's the position so many of us were placed in BY our parents, starting from a young age. Kudos to you Daniel for recognizing this and taking your own life back into your own hands. If our mothers want to heal, that's up to them, just as it's up to us to take care of ourselves and our own healing. The responsibility for one's well-being falls squarely upon one's own shoulders; everyone has this responsibility and capability, it's simply an individual choice whether to exercise it or not.
Your honesty is so valuable to me. I believe people need to be more honest with themselves about how their childhood and parents have effected them. Its not our jobs to help them feel better about the abuse and pain that they have caused. Its up to Us as people who have been hurt and victimized to heal ourselves. I seek happiness and peace. I won't be distracted by those who want me to make them feel better about the pain they've caused.
Well-said! As I kid, after being bullied and verbally abused by my mom, I’d shut down and not speak because I was so angry. I learned early on- no point in shouting back and reasoning with the perpetrators because I was their hostage, helpless and dependent so they exploited that and berated me more if I tried defending myself. But also forced me to apologize for my silent anger, too. So damaging and wrong- to apologize for being upset and for my mother’s meanness. I still struggle with over apologizing and guilt for feeling anger/resentment when mistreated or disrespected. It still takes a lot out of me to say no! To set boundaries- but I’m getting there. I’ve got no choice but to do so for self preservation and growth.
@@MsWing-ij9nb thanks for sharing...Self preservation is key. We most do what's right for ourselves.
I would never confront either of my parents about the impact of what they did to me - I do my own work in the privacy of my inner experience with the support of teachers, therapists, and friends. I know my parents inside and out, they are too shallow and immature to evolve. They have eaten up many decades of my life and now feeling almost entirely free of them, they are not my responsibility in any way. Their actions and attitudes have made their life and they have the responsibility for it. Thanks for this video, very illuminating.
Daniel what a beautiful boy you were. Still are. The reason you choose to be single , is not only your childhood but also because you are highly sensitive.
Pity, personally think you will be wonderful father...! Still is a time. ! Thank you for this video! Regards
Magdalena
Broken people can only fix themselves. Learned this the hard way .
¨It is the job of the mature side of me to be the parent for the wounded child inside of myself¨ Thank you Dr Daniel Mackler.
This is very true sadly. I have experienced a similar story. When my grandparents were about to die, my sister (the golden child) begged me to stay with my mum...which I did. I paused my studies, left my dog with my partner (my mum didn't allow it in her house), witnessed my grandmother die of cancer within just two weeks and sat in hospital holding my grandfathers hand while he slowly drowned in his own bodily fluids a week later, which was pretty traumatizing. Stayed with my mum during the inheritance dispute that started (involving my aunt trying to burn the testament, desecrate the grave, throw a brick through my grandparents window etc.), listened to her stories of childhood trauma and her hardships and was basically her therapist for 1.5 years after without ever processing these things myself....Until she finally snapped (the same way she often had during my childhood), flew into a wild rage, gave me an ultimatum to move out and violated my boundaries every chance she got until a friend could finally get me 2 days later. While I tried to hide from her, I even broke my foot so I literally crawled out of the house on all fours in the end. Why did she throw me out after parentifying me for 1.5 years? I don't really know to this day, but I suspect it was because I wanted to leave, she stalled by having my car serviced and I complained about it.
It's 5 years later now and I have received several letters from my mum. In the first ones, I was made responsible for everything. When I didn't react, she graciously reduced my responsibility to 50% eventually. My sister (a therapist who preaches listening to everyone) has never asked me about my side of the story but is sure it's just a huge misunderstanding. Most recently, since becoming a mother, she send me an email about how important family is. To this day, no one has ever asked me about my side of the story, why I suddenly distanced myself or acknowledged my pain (they don't even know about my broken foot). I can still feel pain in my foot sometimes and am highly traumatized with recurrent nightmares etc. So, basically, me trying to help hasn't helped anyone in the end.
Look into groups for adult children of bpd parents and adult daughters of bpd mothers. This helped souch in my experience x
Thank you for this video! Really like your conviction in stating that the traumatized should not provide therapy to those who traumatized them (their parents). Real talk!
For Christmas my mother sent me a couple gifts. One of them is a book called, Permission to Feel and the card that came in it, part of the message was to suggest we read it together. It was pretty emotional for me and caused confusion since I've been rejected plenty in trying to talk about my feelings with her.
Then later (after receiving this 'gift', I was listening to a video about living with abusers (although I don't live with my mother) and toward the end of the video the narrator said, "It's not the child's job to be the parent's therapist." When I heard that, I realized that was what my mother was essentially asking of me when suggesting we read the book together.
My answer is the same...a big fat NO!
I was very sorry to hear your parents berate you for your youtube channel. it is a GIFT! I have learned so much and will continue to do so. I personally let go of responsibility for my parents after several years of my adult life working on myself and trying to have productive conversations, eventually stopping trying to have those conversations because they did not work, and then watching my parents repeat the same cycles over and over, which I had spoken with them about many times. We are not responsible for people who don't want to change. What we are in control of is our own lives and the way we treat others, so I focus on that. Blessings.
I see some of these videos are a few years old. Wish I'd found them sooner. Thank you so much for sharing with us. This has been so helpful to me.
I tried with my narc mother and my unavailable father. I'm going into no contact and I have nowhere to turn to.
@Draw My Culture my father is too enmeshed. He couldnt protect me or my sister and played a big role in this. He doesnt understand what's happening cause my mom is a covert narcissist. And all of this rage makes me look crazy or selfish. I'm setting boundaries. God save me!
I’m thinking the same thing, but mostly with my dad. Hope you find peace and success into your future.
@@bzmudaifyd thank you! And to you. Do you know any online source I can use to contact for emotional incest, narcissistic abuse?
You’ve got yourself. And I personally believe you also have spirit guides who care about you.
@@Jwet1100 ...I wud like to know too
The short version of that story for me is that I once tried to help a couple I know resolve their differences and get back together. They did get back together but not because of anything I said. In fact, somehow I became the bad guy to the both of them. Not sure how that happened but needless to say I decided from then on not to get involved in other people's problems. That was 30 years ago. Since then I've come to understand that people don't change. Sure there's a few people who self-analyze and adjust their behavior but over the years my observation has been that is more the exception than the rule. Shoot, I'll be 50 in a couple months and I know people who are still their high school selves. They've aged physically but not emotionally. Same people doing the same stuff, telling the same jokes, having the same opinions. It's like they're stuck in a feedback loop. I think you hit the nail squarely on the head. People don't want to think about themselves critically because that means confronting things about themselves that they don't like and instead of confronting those things and possibly changing for the better, it makes them feel bad and of course no one likes to feel bad. They would rather misdirect their hostility onto others than themselves.
I grew up in a loveless, affection-less home. My mother has a mental illness and she only engaged her three children when she had to. There was no talking, no hugs, no kiss on the forehead or cheek, no "how was school?", nothing like that. My biological father beat feet when I was only 3 or so. Can't say exactly when because I don't remember because I was so young. He stayed gone and not once ever tried initiating contact. I never knew where he had gone and only recently found out he lived in the same geographical area as us the entire time. Nice, huh? Anyway, growing up I guess as a coping mechanism I just accepted that's the way it was and never lamented my situation. Years ago my Grandmother told me that my biological father said, "I would come to him when I was ready." When I was ready? There's a head scratcher. He's the one who left, not me. I was only a child when he left and I was "ready" my entire childhood. But whatever, that just goes to show the length that people will go to abdicate their responsibility and unjustifiably put the onus on someone else.
I had to go no contact. They did such a great job that even though they were abusive, I still feel guilt tripped until this day, even though I never saw them again.
They still make me feel guilty for the abuse I received..."mea culpa".
Me too😞
I get it. 😭
You can turn yourself inside out and it will never be enough.
Omg. This brings up so many nights with a ‘narcissistic’ partner, the endless nights of word salad. Sigh.
Thanks so
much for your work.
Totally resonate with this. I think my mother /parents unconsciously expected me to take on a a parenting role with them, complete with the resentment they actually held towards their own parents when I didn’t fulfill my role fully, to their standards. As you say, me breaking away was experienced as rejection & abandonment from me, as though I was cruelly causing them harm. No sustained insight into their impact on me & my development over decades. I also almost sacrificed my own health /well being /life on numerous occasions as a result of trying to be there & save them.
The question in the title - "Does the child have a responsibility to help the parent?" - is not accidental, nor is it simply misguided. It is insidious: it is carefully *designed* to trigger guilt.
Masterfully answered, Daniel, as always!! Even if that were a reasonable question, what of the converse: "does the parent have responsibility to help the child heal?" - doesn't this question come *first* in any moral universe?
It's pretty tough to have to be the parent to your parent.
I went through that phase. It also helped me avoid my own issues by being "the healer." Sick af.
You can lead a horse to the water, but you can never make it drink. If they don't want to heal they leave you with only two choices; you can let them destroy themselves, or you can let them take you down with them. You must find the parents you seek inside yourself.
Mine are happy being toxic. Healing and growing are things they can't conceive of. Their misery only brings me down. They don't even recognize me when I come to visit every 5 years or so.
When you speak of all the energy spent helping others at your own demise I am reminded of an old french favorite saying. It goes like this « feed a pig and it will shit on your porch »
for the first 30 years of my life i use to say it is my goal in life is to "fix my mum". I feel you. Thankyou Daniel you just hardened my resolve and gave me great insight - im so glad i came across this - so grateful
I banged my head against that wall over 50 years. As she aged, I grew more frantic to "get through to her" so we could heal our relationship. I broke free when I learned about narcissism, and realized she knew exactly who she was and like that about herself. I stopped writing excruciationly well-thought out letters that opened the door - (Big risk. Always backfired. Invalidated and dismissed.) I sanitized email, deleteing thoughts, feelings, and anything that would make her jealous. We write about pets and recipies, the weather and her to-do list. Every letter emphasized she is busy - the perpetual excuse for abandonment.
This is not the resolution I sought, but that is why it was so hard to find. A little voice in my gut always knew the source of the disfunction, but did not dare look at it directly. Too much guilt in that direction. I blamed others.
Wow! This sounds so familiar---same here. She did have a difficult childhood and I feel empathy for her. I have released the relationship with my mother but I still believe that I must respect her as the individual that brought me into this life. I just don't expect anything from her anymore and that has been a profound healing
Sadly, some people don’t want help. They’re more comfortable wallowing in their misery. Accepting that fact is difficult for the children, but it’s a step in the right direction for the children to heal.
It took decades, but I did realize she liked who she was and WOULD NOT change. Just like that, I was free.
I think it’s a bit less bitter when you see your parents aren’t just destroying your life. My mother invited me and my baby over and evidently decided to go out with friends. So I got there with the baby and all that comes with the baby. Maybe it took me 30 minutes to get there. I knocked on back and front door but she had left. She never acknowledged it. I was 21 too and I couldn’t count the times she left me alone or forgot about me. But her life was full she didn’t abuse drugs or alcohol just me.
I did try. Time's up.
Doctors also don't operate on their own family members. It's truly painful to realize that despite your knowledge, you can't help those you love the most. Their job, their journey, their divine timing.
Not always true. I knew an orthopedic surgeon that operated on his dad.
@mineandmine4528 I also broke the rules with healing my closest people. There are additional challenges in both. Rules are to be broken, if we are willing to take responsibility for the consequneces.
Reminds me of my own parents
You OWE A DRUNKEN, DESTRUCTIVE PERSON NOTHING. NO MATTER WHOM.
I love my parents but I don't like them.
Impossible imo :[
Happens often..as their children we love them, but its difficult to like them being adults.
God, it's so accurate :D I'll be quoting you Slawa :)
Is there no one gonna say how beautiful this man was(& still)?
I suffered all kinds of abusive traits from my parents and family in general. I was the punching bag for them all my childhood because i didn't know how to defend myself, because the ones who should have teached me to love and protect myself were instead the ones doing all the damage. I grew up with a sense of paranoia and chronic stress that destroyed me both fisically and mentally. Now after nearly killing myself i said ENOUGH and i send them all to hell and i'm trying to heal since. It's really difficult since i grew up thinking i didn't deserve anything, that i was rubbish and now i have to fight those feelings day by day. I put my example for other people to not feel guilty, ashamed or scared, if you feel deep in your heart that your family has betrayed you, you are ENTITLED to say to them F YOU. You're valuable, you're great, you have a mission in this world, save yourself, your power can overcome anything, i know this is true because i went through all kinds of hell, just hold on there, you're strong, you can do it, be patient, confront your pain
fiercely and things will start to heal slowly i guarantee
I tried to help my mother to guide her and so on. At the end I realized that she is ful of hatred, resentment and bitterness and above she lacks empathy. So now I am 50 and I am not going to try anything to mend our relationship.
Interesting video. Personally, I’m in a different path for now. The first stage of going contactless, will need to work out things on my own, then maybe in a 15 - 20 years would reach out. But for now, reaching out is the worst thing to do.
Thank you Daniel 🌹
Our job is to honour our parents. I finally learned to forgive my parents when I realized we are all on our own learning curve. My parents did the best they could where they were at in their own growth cycle. It isn't where I think they should have been but I learned to give them the benefit of the doubt that they were going through their own trauma and didn't know how to deal with it let alone help me. So I honour my parents by forgiving them and knowing they did the best they could where they were at in their own lives.
“Not forgiving is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die.”
A job. With a crap boss, crap working conditions & zero pay.
Thank you, Daniel, for sharing this deeply painful experience as a son of dysfunctional and disturbed parents. I wonder if it wasn't you who your parents "despised"; rather, perhaps they despised the truth about themselves that you could expose to them. I spoke the truth to my narcissistic parents and suffered for it, as their denial is so profoundly entrenched that they are unable to see sense and appreciate me for wanting to have a normal, loving relationship.
You were a beautiful and clearly very alive young man.
I agree, if I wasnt as strong as I am, in every way, id be dead and my siblings would still live with my abusive parents and would more than likely end up the same or dead
I was a late in life, unwanted child and suffered neglect and abuse by my parents as well as my siblings. In hindsight, they collectively carried a great deal of shame and guilt which was readily projected onto me. I spent decades trying to win their respect but even when successful it was fleeting and short lived. When my parents became aged and infirm, I stepped up to help. I felt strongly that it was the right thing to do, but it was in fact more difficult than I could have imagined. It seemed to fuel the fire of the family’s dysfunction. I did it though; what I thought would be a few years actually took over a decade of my life. But in many ways, it gave me closure and opened my eyes to the true nature of my family. As a child they had so much power over me but I suddenly was able to recognize them for the very broken people they were. It wasn’t me after all. Once my parents passed, I went no contact with any remaining family and anyone else that supported their toxic narrative. It would have been better if I had realized it sooner and without the additional trauma but it is what it is.
Ha, this is so true. I had a breakdown taking care of parents during the pandemic after being estranged for 40 years after THEY sent me to boarding school age 12. Wow, did I get a front row seat to seeing everything I had tried to avoid, but I had not really healed and got so messed up being there, aling with a sister who lived with them. I wanted to put them into a nursing home but the pandemic...and my sister had no job, ni friends no miney, no where to go.
It suuuucked! But it got me on a healing path that has been intense so there's that. I never want to engage with that family system ever again.
I get so much more comfort and knowledge watching you and listening to you speak than I do with my own therapist *who falls asleep*...And helps me accomplish nothing!..You’re an angel sent on earth! I’ve learned a lot and taking my time to put things into perspective so that I can heal and also move forward in my life in so many ways! Thank you for breaking things down and sharing your personal experiences! 🙏🏽🙏🏽‼️
Kindness really can be costly when paired with arrogance. I remember driving my gf to university (12 hours each way), I returned and got fired on the next day. I had simply deleted some data I was supposed to present thinking it was the process they wanted to see.
I learned two valuable lessons that day.
The client, however, was still trying to recruit someone to do the same job 10 years later. If only they had waited one more hour to see my beautiful automation at work.
Your life itself was created to help them heal. They didn't get it. But you...keep up the good work ! Thank you for your inspirational and transformative offerings. You are much appreciated.
The sad part is that when you described talking to your mother, I already knew that the conversation would be repressed. It mirrors my own experiences too well I guess... I wish I had stopped trying earlier.
As insightful and helpful as always, Daniel. Thank you so much for your work 👍👍☺️
Don’t let those fools guilt you Daniel! You live your life... free as a bird!🤗
Thanks for the great thoughts, I‘m exactly in the same dilemma especially with my mom. It is so hard to accept that it is ok to have boundaries and to not apologize one‘s own parents‘ horrible behavior („they had a rough life as well“.). All we can work on are ourselves, and it takes so much maturity and strength to really resolve traumas and learn from mistakes. And when you grow more mature than your parents, who just keep repeating the same mistakes again and again, it becomes more clear that all those regular family dynamics (shutting up, keeping families secrets, apologizing abuse) keep people stuck in problematic, violent behaviors. Thanks for your courage to share!
I needed to hear someone else say the words that it is not my job to heal my parents. We seem to be in a somewhat similar situation with our parents. Today it has taken me over 20 years to realise that I need to heal myself first and foremost. This was a wake up call. Thanks
My father was an abusive narcissist who beat my mother, my sister and me. When he wasn’t physically violent he was threatening to crucify us, smash every bone in our body etc. He was often drunk. I tried to save my mother and sister time and again … stepping between his blows even to save them age 8. I was 17 when he took out a loaded gun … threatening us all… and again I defended my mother… but … she kept going back to him and defending him. I left and am fir many years now estranged from mother father and my sister (who still lives with them age 60). She became very much like my father - hating him but reflecting him. This was always my deepest fear - becoming lije him … I’m still a very depressed individual but at least I got away and got therapy. Dealing with my demons and not harming other’s emotionally is a big factor in my life.. i have made some progress. This vid resonates on so many levels .. how the victim can become a perpetrator of emotional harm. Sobering thought.
When you said that attempting to help your dad amounted to LESS than nothing, I felt that.
I spent years in Al-Anon, dabbled in AA, other group therapies and thousands of hours of personal therapy over the past 30 years. It took (at. 46 years of age) after yet another round of vicious verbal assault in the form of a 10 page character assassination email and after years of neglect, abandonment, gaslighting, subjection to all forms of perversion, never being protected, life threatening physical assault, denial and being made a parentified child for me to cut my mother off.
Everything exploded when my sister and I attempted to “help” her by finding a world class rehab on Malibu (equipped with a personal chef, specialized counseling, breath work and yoga). One family session on zoom brought forth rage and insanity that left me shook and continued when returned she home to the town I grew up in. She gossiped about me to a friend I’ve known since preschool and turned her against me. She tried to fact check my statement s from our session with my first high school boyfriend (he lived with me from aged 14-17 whilst she lived across town with her school teacher boyfriend who was a cokehead). Pure insanity.
No more “helping”. I’m so grateful to have awakened. I’m so grateful to be free. No more bending or repressing to make it work with her and my disgusting step dad and his perverted extended family.
I’m so grateful for your channel. Thank you Daniel
Daniel....I’m so sorry for your painful memories and experiences with your parents while growing up and even still. Those roots go deep and they are everlasting. The pain stays...the hurt doesn’t go away. You were a really good son to do what you did to try to help them....especially putting in so much caring and effort to try to help them AND since they seemed mostly absent for you all of your life. I hurt just thinking about it. So kind and caring you WERE... and unfortunately they couldn’t be helped by those efforts.
You’re right. It’s not your responsibility to try to heal them. They are too much in their ego to be helped. They can only be helped if they want that help themselves. Mom had an addiction. She tried to numb HER painful life experiences with alcohol. It probably became her quickest “go to” when she was feeling bad about herself. Then it became a pattern. Your dad, a different story and yet just as painful. He was obviously abusive and not very caring.
We ALL are what we are. Your parents were only able to do what they were able to do....based upon their pain & life experiences. It’s no one‘s fault. No one should expect you to try to heal them… They need to heal themselves if they so desire. If not, unfortunately you have to move on and past all your memories, difficult as they are. I hear you, I understand. I grew up with an abusive childhood. I forgave and moved on...but never forgot. So, I hope you can get past these sad facts and memories and have a better life moving forward. Happy New Year to you!
Glad I found this video. I have cut 99% of my contact with my parents and I am living on the other side of the planet, which has been super helpful in healing myself. Yet I am still struggling with the boundaries with my parents. Same as Daniel, I dont wish them harm or bad endings or even feeling guilty. I wish they could find the willpower to heal, to work for a better life and to provide value to people around them. It is definitely not our responsibility as kids to heal them. But now I get to understand: It is not even a possibility. Because we did not harm them. No matter how much genuine love they can get from us, that love does not do anything to their wounds. Especially when they dont even have the willpower to admit, remember or reflect on their wounds. They can only heal by reflecting on their original trauma experiences and loving themselves, with the help of someone (counselor, spiritual teacher, etc.) who is not involved in their daily life and knows how to set a clear boundary.
lmao i love Jimmy Dores saying "May I have a trickle sir?" while holding his hands open
(for trickle down economics) 😂
So very true, each person must heal their own trauma. Unhealed traumatizers will force the people around them to prove their love by inflicting more trauma. My mother did this and when I wouldn't help her then she would double down and put herself in more and more dangerous situations (like needing medical intervention) or she would condemn me for not saving her from herself. It was exhausting mentally and physically and wasted so much of my life. I hope that when she died she found the peace she was looking for.
This came in time, thank you so so much🙏💫 I'm 18 about to turn 19, have wasted this year of my life here and even tried to help and change, had a mental breakdown then decided to leave in July now it's December and they have done horrible stuff to stop me from leaving.( I'd never let them know but one day I was so angry at myself, out of guilt of not leaving in August as I was about to leave so they saw me in the morning, even though I planned to leave at night. But when I was angry out of my guilt for wasting 2months and experiencing more trauma with it I didn't think. Now Oct Nov got taken away from me because they hid the keys, once when I was sleeping stole my ID and passport. I've got them back and will leave a day or so. I feel so bad and guilty and ashamed of who I'm because 6months of my life have been into nothing and I don't feel like myself, the voices I was fighting and managed to calm and get rid of are loud because of them. I wasted a really vital time of mylife and after that mental breakdown; spiritual awakening I was so happy and grateful for it.) Now I don't know how to be like I was in June and July and even back then I wasn't the beext because I'm here but at least made the decision and packed my stuff to leave in August. How to get over that? Also I have been watching your channel since 2019 March and glad and happy I have found it. Also I'd like to note that I was always working on leaving the country and getting a scholarship my mistake though is not having a job and leaving while working on that and in June I got the rejection message(due to papers not being stamped quickly I got late and uploaded my application on the last day at 12:00 so they didn't evaluate it.) I was better after that traumatic event on the 25th of August but i couldn't get over the regret. In Sep and Oct I was making it out again and picking myself up before that happened. And now I feel dragged back to everything I have worked so hard to get out of.
I am 19 too i feel you❤
I had this same issue only my Mom wasn't the drinker she was the one who would get physically, emotionally and verbally abused by my drinking father. I was told by therapists and counselors that I needed to focus on my own healing and let my mother take care of herself but she didn't take care of herself. I have had huge amounts of guilt and remorse over what happened to my mother the 20 years after my father died and before she died. She was taken advantage of financially by multiple people. Family and not family. She was also a victim of elder abuse. She died when I was 38 yrs old and I felt that I was too young to understand why she couldn't take care of herself. Now I understand she wasn't taken care of as a child so she had no map to go by. Thanks for your video.
The parents (just like anyone) must have a real willingness to heal. You can't make someone heal, you can only assist them in healing. But most traumatized people are profoundly stuck, stunted in their growth. Getting out of such state takes a lot of effort.
21 year old you looks daunting in a way. It's crazy to realise I'll be 21 in a couple years' time
Thank you dear Dr Daniel for sharing your story, it is a privilege to hear and you are helping so many others by sharing your / these experiences and your life journey too - I have experienced healing in listening to you in this video SO MUCH - there is a lot that I empathise with and I feel WITNESSED TO (seen & heard) just by listening to you - I couldn’t help but write something in thanks to you. What a precious privilege it is to have someone like you on here 🤗🎉 watching & hearing this brings to mind the phrase ‘wounded healer’ 🌈🙏🌿🎈 You are a gift to the (hurting, ‘fallen’) world. God bless you truly ❤
Thank you Joanna!
🤗❤
I just found your channel and subscribed. Thank you Daniel! Every word you have said here resonates deep in my core. I am learning to love myself after going very limited contact. Some of us realize in our youth while some of us like me don’t know until much later in life. I choose my child and myself over anyone now. I am just wrapping my heart and mind around the sad fact that my mother didn’t love me. It’s very painful, but I am healing now and it feels good to be away from all that mental illness. Blessing to you and to all of us in 2021. 🦋
This is so great.
My mother was also an alcoholic in denial. I'm still confused about my mixed feelings towards her. I feel sorry for her as she must've been traumatized as well. She's still alive and still drinks. She's never owned a thing and gas lighted all her 4 daughters. But she didn't realize
When my mother throttled me I understood she needed that to feel better. I was happy to help. That's who I became.
Omg I’m so glad I just found this.
This one is really painful. I've also realised that the motivation behind caretaking for my parents and trying to help them heal, even deeper than hoping they could finally show up for me and love me, is that I believed them taking responsibility for the horrible things they did to me would mean that I wouldn't need to take responsibility for all of the horrible things I've done to myself and other people. I wanted to blame them for all of my problems because it was easier than looking in the mirror.
Is this a thing to not give their kids keys to their homes? I got hoovered in, in my 40’s, under announcement we would all heal and be a family...and never had a key to my parent’s home, until couple months after I started staying with them *(I was 47). They ALWAYS had a key to my places.
Almost immediately after getting here, I started really building out my two little businesses and writing...I hardened their gross backyard, fixed up their front flower beds, cooked beautiful dinners for them, cleaned their house, was helpful...only to be met with a series of take downs that eventually led to my health failing and 5 years later, still here, not allowed to touch any of their things. I do have access to their house key though. 😬.
Thank you for this video! So incredibly helpful and this one came at the perfect time for what I am looking at right now with my own mother.
This is so profound! Thank you so much for sharing your insight Daniel! 🙏🏻
What really clicked with me is that "it's not the job of a traumatized to help the traumatizers heal".
Thank you. I have struggled with this over the years.
Good job Daniel, again! Thank you.
Even if you've already talked about this topic a lot, I think that it is very important to emphasize it from time to time. It scares me so much when I realize how similar memories we have because of our alcoholic parents. Not only you and me, but every single child of an alcoholic. It broke my heart a little when you said in the end of the video that "unfortunately, you can't be a part of their healing process"... No matter how hard you'd like to be. That's what we all feel in connection with our troubled parents once that crucial anger went away (or we've managed to left behind)... You want to help, you want them to heal, you want to repair and rebuild the relationship you've never had with them... But you can't sacrifice yourself, and making the decision of letting them go each and every day is extremely painful. But most of the times that's the only way you can save yourself.
Let me share a poem with you all that reflects very well to this video, I think it belongs to here. I imagine it as a warm hug that I send to all the wounded children out there.
Louise Glück: First memory
Long ago, I was wounded. I lived
to revenge myself
against my father, not
for what he was --
for what I was; from the beginning of time,
in childhood, I thought
that pain meant
I was not loved.
It meant I loved.
some of those ancient Greek playwrights and poets had it down. Medea, Oedipus, Orpheus...effed-up family life is the root of tragic drama.
I totally agree with you and I think the best thing to get love is to love ourselves directly
Wow thank you, just a couple of days ago it dawned on me that I was helping my friend during her emotional breakdown - it was a very painful experience and I had so much empathy for her and what she’d been through. I also noticed this little me inside that was secretly longing for a similar experience with my mother - because I want my mum to heal so that she can finally become a proper mum for me... it’s like I’m helping her to help me, my inner child as never given up hope.
The saying 'you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm' has helped me ☺
Greeting from Syria 😇🥀
I projected the healing work i wanted to do on my parents onto a close friend who had a chronic weed addiction. My father was an alcoholic who would not allow anyone to save him. I felt a need to save someone as i had been groomed to be the sensible codependent since childhood. Took a long time to heal that side of me. Needless to say i could not fix my friend either.
That sounds very close to my own story with my mother. Thanks for sharing that.