My Mother Liked Me Better When I Was Sick (Especially Psychologically)
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- čas přidán 27. 06. 2020
- Wikipedia article on the “identified patient”: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Identif...
Also worthwhile to check out the Wikipedia article on Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Factiti...
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In the words of John Bradshaw, "...parents who never grew up can't afford to let their children grow up."
So true.
so true
Indeed
Putting up boundaries, improoving my diet, working out, reading books, practicing meditation and individuating felt like a knife stabbing to my mother, I haven't been in contact with her for years. It's one of the best decision I've made in my life and I'm proud of it!
Good for you. I didnt saw my parents for almost 9 years now. Focusing on myself and my self care and development.
My mother would show how annoyed she was because she had to get up to give me antibiotics or medication when I had the flu or laringitis or any other childhood ailment at the time. So not only did I feel sick, was sick, but she would make me feel guilty for becoming sick. A real piece of work she was.
That is very sad I am sorry
Such a horrible way to treat your child....brings back lots of memories for me ...all painful, so sorry for you.
Harsh.
Isn't this somehow violence? Because it is being said that men are violent and that it is patriarchy, which is true but I feel we don't talk about violence committed by mothers to children
@@firashebili It is violence of the worse kind. Up until this day, it's still tabu and invalidated: specially if you were a boy and now an adult man.
This video is so relatable for me. Codependent mothers harm their children's sense of identity greatly.
100%
My mom was Italian American born in the 20’s. Her mom was super messed up. They slept in the same bed together until she was 34 and met my dad. Needless to say she never wanted her kids to leave home, literally. I was almost 31 and my brother was 35 when we both got the gumption to leave and get an apartment together for a time. I felt really sorry for her. She was a great lady in many ways and I loved her very much, but she used guilt on us constantly if she felt we we trying to separate from her. She had a low life dad who left when she was 11 and an abusive brother. My other brother bailed at 22 when he developed an anxiety disorder. Anyway, now I take care of my 88 year old dad full time and feel like I wasted my life in many ways. Ugh. Thank you for saying the things no one wants to say. It helps so many people I’m sure!
Thanks for sharing. I slept in the bed of my mother until 12. Moved out at 25. She didnt want to that I make a drivers license. My mom did my loundry and cooked for me until I moved out. She told me how scared she is to live alone when I moved out. So many people out there use their kids as replacement for having a spouce or relationships with other adults. I know the guilt you were feeling. How is life for you now? And how is the relationship with your Mom? How is your older brother doing? Moving out at 35 is quite late
The main reason I developed so many excruciating autoimmune illnesses early on and still tormented by them in my adult life... I wanted her to stop being abusive & show me some actual love..
Thank you!, that was so validating.. I still doubt myself when I think of all that I sensed went on with my mother's behavior - that are identical to your views.
My mother did the same thing and I'm fairly certain she had NPD-bordering on 'Munchausen Syndrome by proxy'. These women fear their child's individuation and relationships both with their own inner selves and with anyone outside their control.
Yep, I was the identified "sick person". It's incredible that your mother TOLD YOU verbally the things she was trying covertly to do to you.
Sory to hear, but same here. I was the one that was hospitalized, medicated, diagnosed. The troubled one. And looking back, they are more sick than I ever was. I just had problems developed becouse of them, becouse I was the youngest one and most vulnerable one.
I had the exact same experience! In my mother, I think me being sick triggered her maternal instinct. I had the feeling that it was a mammal thing, an unconscious thing. And I liked being sick. I knew I was safe when I was sick, because she wouldn't hurt me. Today, I live an independent life away from her. The sad thing is, I feel the reason I could get away is because my little brother still very much needs her.
So called beauty of motherhood turns into a unescapable nightmare when looked at through the lens of truth. God help us.😐
You described my mom perfectly. I came to similar conclusions and handled things similarly. There is no chance to confront her though as she is incapable of understanding. It would be a waste of time to even try. I enjoyed your talk though. You've put my thoughts into words, so sharp and clearly.
I have observed a number of families with someone put in the role of the "sick/weak/bad one" - most, unfortunately, played the role allocated to them, but saw one breakaway.
I am so thankful you made it out and have lived to tell about it.
She probably liked your dependancy and helplessness
Figured this out in early to mid twenties. Pushed back, but devouring mothers are damaged beyond point of return and now use the added guilt of getting older to not own their joy in making you dependent. I'm around the point of no return. Mid 30s got pushed back into the abyss. Partly due to covid, partly lack of stable employment despite two degrees.Two years to establish a couple hours a day to use the kitchen to learn to cook. Some people get broken by their life decisions like my mother and then use that guilt as a shield in any attempt at taking responsibility.
It is really sad and harmful when your own parents doesn't want you to grow up in a healthy way. They only interested in fitting you into their role play drama. My mom was really angry when I was sick, I can feel her resentment, hating me gonna cost her money and time, I was supposed to be born to take care of her not the other way.
So accurately put.. you described my mother to a T!.. They LOVE drama and create it masterfully and ruthlessly, but not the consequences of it on our health! God forbid they 'd have to take responsibility for their actions and their effect on innocent victims.. and you' re right, it is the most heartbreaking thing to have parents like these.. I still feel I 'm in a nightmare sometimes and bound to wake up.. But not.. Instead I have to battle with the damage on my physical and mental state.. day by day struggle..
Stay strong Maggie, we' ll make it, we 're all in this together!..
My narcissist mother also was better to me when I was sick - such as when having to stay home from school due to chickenpox or whatever. When it came to feeling sick emotionally, she was never there for me.
Wow, Daniel, you said it. I KNOW I'm the identified patient in my family, I have to break out of this role and I don't know how!!! I am currently reading Anatomy of an Epidemic and it is so eye opening. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder back when I was 16 because I was making some strange attempts at running away from home. Now I'm 49 and I'm on disability. I don't want to live this way. I feel like in some strange way my family needs me to be the sick one. I hope there is still time for me to land a career and get off of disability which I have been on for far too long. I can't live like this much longer. Thank you for your insightful videos.
"Anatomy of an Epidemic" is a phenomenal piece of work----I re-read it constantly
That’s such a profound term too; “identified patient.” My mother smeared me as “special needs” and I think deep down everyone knows that isn’t true.
There’s this series called “you” and on season 2 there’s a toxic family. The male family is a victim of CSA and is the “special needs” family member.
I just finished the book. It was interesting, but very depressing. Would any psychiatrist out there really help me get off of psyche meds??? I don't think any would. All I can say is how damn depressed I am these days. I did absolutely nothing today. I don't have any friends anymore, it seems like most people come and go, and people just want to use you. I don't have any boyfriend or significant other anymore either, and no kids. What the hell am I meant to do on this Earth??? Lately I care more about comments I get from random strangers on CZcams than the people in my life. I don't mean to act like such a victim, so many people just don't care about other people or they just want to use you for something, I'm so sick of it. I just wish my life was better and I wasn't this jobless, living with my parents, bipolar woman. No one really gives a damn. People make money off of me. If I start to see a therapist I will just become attached to the damn therapist who I know is NOT my friend, she's making money off of my pain. My life is so meaningless and empty. I wish I was dead, but I will go on living and I don't know what for. I've been through the wringer.
@@lynnmarieanderson1744 don't give up. Find the strength within yourself. Not all therapists are in it solely for the money. Keep looking, find one with emotional intelligence, the kind of person who will extend kindness when you are going through a crisis, not the kind of person who will scold or ignore you.
Omg, now it makes sense! I had totally forgotten about that, my mother used to curse me, telling me something along those lines: ' younger one, I hope you'll never grow up!'
Me growing up and questioning her parenting skills was a major threat to her delusion. And I was punished severely because of that. Physically and mentally.
This is 100% the woman I liked these last years. She was a mother figure to me, only liked me when I was insecure, shy and needy. She could only love me as child, and not as a healthy adult. The only way we could have a loving relationship was if I was sick and had no adult, threatening sexuality. So I had to deny and hide that part of me until I couldn't do it anymore, and left her. I've never liked anyone better before or since, but our relationship was so unhealthy.
She does the same thing to her own son, and to other young people in her life. She speaks of her own son as someone who struggles, needs her, and she is always there for him. I've met him, and I see a handsome, confident young man, not a sick child. I realized she probably speaks of me like that, too. Tells people she is there for me. She's the ultimate mother for a child, and I desperatly needed motherly love at one point, but then I got better, and she didn't like me then. And that made me feel so worthless.
The way you write is like art. It's like poetry. What do you do if you don't mind me asking?
Can you talk about self sabotage
Are you referring to muchnhausen syndrome?
My narcissistic mother unfortunately would physically and mentally abuse me when I became sick as a child. She would fly into these rages over caretaking that resulted from any illness or reg maint like routine dental\eye exams. If I had a bad cough at night she would yell from her room that if I woke her again she would come in to beat me. When dentists wanted to know why I hadn't seen a dentist in over 7 yrs she would lie and say i was too scared. Yes..by the way she takes excellent care of her teeth\health and goes to the doctor for every little imaginative thing. We had good medical, I was the only child and she didn't work or need too? It baffles me to this day. Does anyone have any insight at to why these "narc mothers" behave like this ..?
That’s really messed up, 😕
they have severe childhood trauma, worse than yours.
What you're doing is so important! You are helping people articulate their experiences. You are able to understand and eloquently describe what we went trough; in a way to make an umbrella under which we can find our place. And especially about topics like this one, which is a taboo but at the same time crucial for us to become fully human beings.
Beautiful umbrella analogy
So perfectly said....
David thanks for giving a voice to people that sometimes don't even know what happened to them. You are a good person and deserve all the happiness in the world. Thanks for the video.
My mother was exactly the same. What a pain. Thank you Daniel, you are so helpful and truthful.
100% understand...wonder what percentage of mothers do this behavior?
Mine was exactly the same. I realised its because she could play the victim too.
Wow what an insight for all dysfunctional families.💜💜💜
My mother is an abusive hypochondriac😳 I have no contact with her.
I came to that realization in my thirties. My mother wanted to be my God. She wanted me to worship her. She hated me getting healthier. She felt betrayed. She’s dead now. So glad that sick dynamic is over. She was a child, a spoiled brat so jealous of her only child. God she made my life so miserable. Truth absolutely divides!
Exactly, this happened to my brother. There more he drank alcohol and the more of a mess he was the more my Mother liked him. I was the one who saw through her toxicity and I was made an outcast from the family. My brothers wife left him and took the kids. In a way my mother is his new wife. Sick.
My mother also seems completely lost without something to care for. Barely weeks after the second of her cats died she was looking for a dog that she could also fail to look after properly. She claims she "wouldn't know who she was if she wasn't a mother", yet I have zero recollection of her doing anything motherly beyond fulfilling my most basic needs (even then I was placed in the care of several other people over the course of my childhood), no talks about how I feel, nothing about her own experience with depression and mental illness, nothing about my dad's diagnosis of social anxiety until I had already flunked university for not going. No talks on sex, no talks on how to navigate my emotions. I feel like I barely knew her and it's only recently really that I've even realized how unusual that is
Ah yes.....I am the identified patient.....nearly died at 2, many sickness after that, autoimmune disease as an adult. This info does not horrify me anymore. Dysfunction and manipulation is what I grew up on.
Wow this is my story to a T. I was also sick at 2 and nearly died, since then my parents replay that story over and over to everyone they met. Also got autoimmune diseases starting at 17. In my late 20s I told them to stop telling people stories of me getting sick and they refused because it’s a “blessing”.
Me too. When I was grown my family liked me better mentally ill.
Makes greats sense what you are telling us here. There is a connection to my upbringing. I really had to deny intellectual capacities, because that‘s what she is. Really stuck in her very small bubble how the world, business, nutrition and relationships works. She learned helplessnes and beeing a victim.
Of course this is unconscious for her.
I see my sister is ill and sick, so she gets her to connect with my mom. It is as she could relate to her and speak with her about these things WITHOUT helping get to the root cause.
She never helped us in any productive way to prepare „our wings“ for life. No improvements. She never took time to show as how XYZ worked. Not even the dishwasher. She just wasn‘t interested in teaching us these simple things.
I‘d love to have a conversation with you Daniel.
From Germany, best wishes. Oliver
Break away. Heal. Mature.
Living well is the best revenge.
mine too.
It is totally understandable.
The child lastly was visible inferior and in need,
so the narcissist can unfold dark gray dirty wings over the child
and pretend to be caring.
What a relief for narc. mother! Waiting to be visible needed and asked for help.
At last she can show who she is - a role model how good mother behaves. Learn from her!
And a child? what child?
Society likes its citizens better when they're sick, too. Easier to pathologize, control, and profit off of. This social environment helps reinforce the behavior in the family system.
My mother was the same way.
Oof. I know too well the pain of the double bind-be functional enough to earn money (my mom really pressured me to become her provider) but “sick” enough to depend on her and be at her level emotionally. She even looked at getting me qualified as a long term dependent on social security disability payments so I could bring in money *and* be completely under her control. Chilling.
I remember jumping off our bunk beds in a pathetic attempt to break my arm just so I'd get my mams attention, it never worked,I just got a clump instead for banging and making the living room light swing.
Daniel, it's so good for you, good as in healthy, (and automatically for everyone else coming in contact with you) that you didn't want to stay a child in an adult body. Amazing.
I am very glad you decided to take another route and that you are making these videos. Thank you!
That's what I learned I was drunk as a skunk total mess they had me on fb puking in a bin. When went to work lo lots of affection approval etc when i screw up they accept me now I'm started to get healthier and fitter and turning my life around. Cold ignorant and moody. I think alot of ppl do want u to fail in life but they wont admit it.
@@browncatwithblurredbackgro2461 they dont stop trying to convince u theres something wrong with u. They only want u happy if there the reason for ur happiness. If they make u feel good that's fine but if ur in a good mood and it's nothing to do with them they hate it
She liked the vulnerability in your being sick. I always almost had to beg to be believed that I was sick. Only taking that gaslight would enable me to actually stay in bed and rest. Having a history with auto immune diseases, showed me after decades that I was a survivor of abusive behaviour by my mother.
Omg sounds similar to my mother. My mother used to jokingly(though probably not actually joking) say "children are so cute when little. Too bad they grow up"
Wow!! I can really relate! My mother emotionally incested me! Thank God a really great therapist i had saw this and we talked about it. And when we did alot of things started to make sense!! My father did the same thing. Really messed up, but they had no relationship between them! I remember my mother crying when i moved out at almost 24....
I heard a good thing yesterday. Kids seek approval to learn how to live. When approval is not given, it becomes a survival skill for kids to reject the part of themselves that is disapproved of...hence, self hatred becomes their best friend because it is their best survival skill. They reject or hate the aspects of themselves that are "wrong" or "disapproved of". For some kids, that could be everything they do 😭
Literally describing my Mother
Oh yes. This happened to me as a child, but also throughout my adulthood.
Parents are the worst
Never in my life have I seen and heard something more relatable. Every single sentence... Thank you so much!
Thank you once more for the uncensored honesty Dr. Mackler. I can relate as the recipient of this behavior from my mother, as well. A question popped up for anybody reading, isn't this how Munchausen syndrom by proxy originates?
Yes, MBP is closely associated with Narcissism, according to studies..
thank you for telling your story. I can relate and it hurt. For this reason i also left the family system.
I got cut off. Anyway I've noticed my getting ill, saying she felt mentally sick and even thinking she was going to die back during one of the few times in my life things started to go better for me. I didn't realize at the time anything about narcissism/psychopathy etc.
This episode was back in 1999-2000. It didn't last long and soon after my mother was able to stick it to me real good in a few different ways causing me lifetime problems. One of these things was stealing a home from me and adopting someone else, treating that one like gold. I haven't once heard her mention anything about dying or feeling bad since then.
I believe I'm a few years older than you and I've suffer my whole because of my family. Nobody ever knowing or caring if they did know. Most other relatives were neglectfull/abusive and I was an only child. Thanks.
JUST THE TITLE OF THIS, OMG.
Been working through this sort of thing the last couple of weeks, going from feeling empowered about not talking to my nan and then depressed and really unsure, doubting my decision. Esecially as she wasn't overtly cruel to me, but was emotionally dismissive. Also subtley bettiliting and got 'aggiated' whenever I got too happy. So invalidated when struggling, annoyed when happy. But ofc its never all bad. Shes EXTRMELEY generous with money, especially as Ive gotten older. If I'm having a good day , I can phone and we seem to have a good chat. And when I go into doubt mode, this can be one of the things that played on me, she seemed so caring and empathic when I was ill, like as you say, with a cold etc . Makes me think, cant be that bad! Although, my narcissistic ex did the opposite, if I was lying on the sofa ill, he would be dancing around the flat, all hyper and excited, like wtf.
Haa, my nan is the opposite. Feels nothing for babies.
My mom often gets mad whenever either me or my dad get sick and she blames us for doing so. In her part of the family it has always been this belief that one brings bad health and misfortune upon themselves through bad thoughts and deeds. The thing was that I usually got sick or injured around programmed holidays (right as we prepared to leave), national holidays (when most doctors would take time off) and weekends (when again it was hard to find medical care). I remember getting both sick and injured in my final year of junior high, right around the time I had to prepare for the capacity exam (now called national standard examination), and I was part of an experimental generation when a new law for appling to high school had been introduced in my country. I usually left class last because I was very slow at packing my stuff, and for some odd reason that damned day I managed to pack faster and got out of the class before most of my classmates, especially the boys, and I specify this because it is partialy because of them that I fell down the stairs and broke my leg for the first time. I say partially because they only startled me by yelling and running down the stairs because they were happy to leave school, I tried to get out of their way a bit faster than I was used to, and plus I was very unconfortable in moving my body that has just gained a lot of weight in a short amount of time (due to the stress I was constantly under) and I was wearing the new pointy shoes my mom insisted for me to wear cause they were in trend (I hated them, I generally hate pointy shoes, but as a kid I always listened to my mom even on what to wear, and she always wanted me to be in trend, I hate shopping for clothing, though I am quite interested in fashion, but what I like to wear are confortable and practical clothes, fancy and trendy ones are for special occasions in my opinion, and the more feminine lines I like seeing them on other girls rather than myself). The problem wasn't so much that I fell and broke my leg, I have a very high threshold for pain (I once stepped on an urchin and barely gave it a 2 or 3, when the one tending to me told me most people usually give it at least a 8 out of 10, plus I live with constant joint pain most of my life, I feel weird on days without pain), but the ridicule I recieved both at school, but mostly at home was what got to me. I remember seeing a colleague I would later have in the same high school class with me laughing his ass off in front of me as I was trying to tend to my hurt leg and calm myself down, I didn't start crying until I got home and started explaining to my parents what happened. It was a good thing that I lived just across the street from the school and my best friend helped me hop on one foot across it the best she could, cause she has always been almost half my size, the hard part was going up the stairs to the main entrance of the dorm, I half hopped, half crawled them up and then I had a hard time in getting the attention of the receptionist that next to never bothered to help people, I don't remember wether she actually did open the door for me or not though, but I was definitely mad at her for being as insensitive as she was. Yet as I was crying and explaining to my parents what happened they were cracking up in laughter at my expense, my dad was kicking his feet up while rolling on the bed like a dying cockroach, while my mom fell to the floor holding her stomach with one hand and steading herself onto the table next to her with the other, meanwhile tearing up from laughing. The next day, as I was waiting in the car with my mom for my dad to go ask for a doctor, I felt as if she was disgusted and disappointed with me and my situation, because she told me "why do you always do this on a weekend" as if I wanted it to happen to me. I had the cast for 2 weeks, went back to school for another 2, and during that time one of the boys had mumps and then half of the class including myself got it from him, and that in itself was another bad experience for another 2 weeks, if not worse then a broken leg. I couldn't sleep, eat or drink properly. She was more understanding during this time, but I remember swearing to myself never to get sick again, of course that doesn't work the way one wants to.
OMG, these things happen to me all the time (esp in the past) and my mother is exactly like yours.!.. She is inconsistent in her reactions, but mostly she 's disgusted and shows me i' m a burden.. and I always get sick or accidents in holidays and special occasions.. I think it's because of the stress and emotional struggle of having a terrible family and also because I know I must not get sick or have anything happen to me and I 'm terrified because I know how much they will torment me if I do and all this Fear self actualizes!..
My heart aches for what you' ve been through, try to break away from your mother, you will heal and your life will someday be wonderful, just take it one step at a time and have faith..! Find a safe place to grieve, process and heal.. Also find a good acupuncturist or homeopathic doctor, they can help you cope , esp on the psychological level.. Hugs and prayers from me x :) ❤️
Draga mea, a very painful story to read, I am so sorry you had to go through these experiences.
@@browncatwithblurredbackgro2461 I think I've heard something about it. In my case it's not a religion as much as a general belief. I don't even know where we could have picked it up from, cause most of the people in my family are Christian Ortodox, except for my paternal father who has been an atheist, devoted to the comunist doctrine, and me cause I disaggree with most of the things I've learned about the Christian religion over the years. And I say disagree, because in some points I do agree with it, I just think it should all be reinterpreted for the people in nowadays. Pastors should learn to give new examples from nowadays, and to simplify their explanations and base them into science. In my opinion spirituality and sciences should not be two divorced fields through which we explain life, but complementary ones. I feel a greater affinity for Zalmoxianism than Christianity. Currenty I call myself a Deitist, and pray to God in my own personal language, and I am trying to make sense of who I am and give structure and meaning to things in my own way (so I see how it could be similar to that cult, but this is a conclusion I reached on my own, and I have no intention of co-opting anyone into it). It is my way for relating to the world and currently I haven't even started my grieving process, as I am still dependant on my family. I hope that by next year I could truly distance myself from them.
They brought it upon themselves I would love to hear her thoughts on an average historic rate of about half of all children dying before adulthood
I went, of my own volition, my first plane trip to Wisconsin to visit a boyfriend, I was Twenty-One years-old. My mother, sitting next to my father in their bed, call me into their bedroom to let me know that all it took was three signatures to have me committed to a mental hospital! My mother's sister-in-law what is this evil, sadistic, Filipino surgical nurse. My mother was forever consulting her about things. My mother surely would have consulted her to learn that all she needed it's a signature from a doctor, my parents and a witness and they could have me thrown in the loony bin. WHY was she bringing this up right before I was to take a flight to do something that I decided to do? Because... I was daring to flex my autonomy decide to do something my own volition rather than consult them about their opinion. My mother was behind all that. She was basically threatening me. I went anyway. I had a great time visiting him and his family. She was furious.
My mother prevented me from getting the medical attention I needed so I can remain weak, suffering and manipulable.
I felt nothing when my mother died EXCEPT for when I started my periods. That was when my mother was the most nurturing; it made her feel like a good mom cause I appreciated it so much given how significant my pain was and how doting she was when she otherwise ignored and neglected me and blamed me for her husband abusing me. My doctor claimed I had pmdd cause I had emotional flashbacks. Like after a month after she died and I stated that’s when it really hit me and I felt the abandonment and my hormones enhanced me feeling the emotions I shoved down to the floor and stuffed down and they went up to my face and I kept snapping at people and having crying spells... I kept telling my doctor it got bad when she died. They didn’t get it. Very labeling; even diagnosing me majorly depressed in response to having grief. 🤦🏼♀️ she told me a month before she died she knew her husband was abusive, (I know he can be an asshole sometimes! But what do you want me to do, divorce him?!) she found out I was exposing the abuse in my 20’s, was angry I left the Mormon church And kept telling me she wanted to slap me. She was a proxy to my father.’ I questioned if this woman loved me my whole life and got my answer in my 20’s. That was traumatizing. It’s like ongoing rejection having a mother that hates you and neglects you. I felt the emotional flashbacks and was wailing and crying for hours and balling and didn’t know what was wrong with me. I had to make the ties myself. My health insurance is exactly the reason I’m not a fan of therapy. Pill label, pill, label. Ignore trauma, even a mother dying apparently. Idk how I was suppose to react.
My mother also liked me sick. Had me on 3 medications before first grade. Was livid and raging and said she “prayed to god that I needed to be on medications” in my 20’s. (Church leaders say you can’t receive revelations for someone else and she got so mad when I pointed that out.) I felt better off meds and was using holistic methods. The linden method I loved; first place I learned anxiety is NOT a disorder. Learned about the amygdala getting offset when you’re abused or in oppressive situations to long, and how anxiety is normal. Started using holistic healing. Was feeling better. She told me I wasn’t, would pit fights, like she WANTED me to have anxiety. Tf. I was so confuse by that. My 20’s has been the worst; I was growing in independence, wanted to be self sufficient and mentally stable and she didn’t react positively. It was mind blowing.
She needed me to believe I was special needs; the reality is I was traumatized by her husband her assualted me as a child, and had sexually charged convos in my teens.
Nope. “He’s not abusive.” She wanted me to follow the narrative that I was just sick and need her to be my advocate.
She was HIS advocate. Not mine. Didn’t want me well. I think she died out of fear and shame (nothing on the autopsy.)
She was not well. She wanted me unwell. Even though she was abusive, when I process back, I feel a mix. Hate. Sadness. Confession, and part of me is sad for her. She chose to be a victim of her own life. Had she left, and chose the harder path, leaving him, it would’ve been better for her and the whole family.
My mother liked to care for me cause she could tell herself she was a good mom. Her mother never even told her about periods and she was so scared when she started hers. She would tell me a lot about that. How her mother told her nothing. She doted on me on my cycle. Bought me rice socks, an oil diffuser. I remember wishing she would treat me like that all the time. It felt like I had a mom who cared temporarily.
Shaylen, wow, your comment made me cry.. she would 've never left him though, I think narcissistic moms DONT want to be saved, it' s their entropy to keep perpetuating the cycle over and over.. it 's truly sad though.. I' m very sorry you were raised in this family system.. I 've heard Mormon culture is tough.
Remember you are special, you saw the truth and you broke the cycle and you will heal and live and prosper like your mom wouldn't..for yourself and for her too..! Love x
how we (as children) has to have an obligation to appreciate these ways of sick twisted “care” which are not..just more emotional feed for themselves and we are the villain if we don’t say “yuumm” to the shit they are putting out
You people this thing is sickening...there is no how you can't shake or feel the pain listening to this as you replay back what happened..i have to redeem myself and all the Sins from my family..my kids are never going to be abused...amen
Sounds so familiar to me... Always a pleasure listening to you
I recognised from a very young age that my mother was a disgusting human being and that there was nothing about her that I admired or wanted to be like. Even though I attempted to disguise these feelings, she was on to me and for the rest of her life she excelled at cruelty and vindictiveness to punish me for recognising her true self.
Crap! So relatable but its taken me 30 years to realize all of this about my mother.
My mum was angry at me when I was sick and didn’t look after me, I kept her awake because I was coughing all night . I was always sick and still am
To some extent it is normal to be nicer to someone who is sick, but I completely see what you mean.
Isn't it bizarre that she came right out and told you what she was doing to you? (the Identified Patient)
My mother smothered me when I lived with her. Now when I am gone, she is smothering my older brother. She just needs to have someone to use and take care of. You are not allowed to question her when you are in relationship with her. She is idealizing her mother very much. And now even starded to idealize her father, she found out that he was war hero or smth. So her origin family is on pedestal, and all dysfunctional schemes therefore stay intact.
My friend told me once that her mother got her sick on purpose. Its called Munchaused Syndrome by Proxy. Its even more sick than that.
It's also my brother and sister who are committed to staying stuck.... as well as my 97 year old mother. This video makes so much sense. The identified 'sick' person is often the person who holds the truth, they would rather see them go crazy than the truth get out. My mother was abusive, she knows that I know what she did. I've resisted the sick label, especially as I've been told by professionals I have no sickness.
Hi daniel you are truly an inspiration. I think one of the reasons I started to make videos was because of your channel. I really respect you and what you are doing. Imagine having you as a big brother. Life would be great. Please continue your out of the box thinking. You're serving society more than most psychologists.
Your videos are so insightful!
Wow!🎯🎯🎯 This sounds EXACTLY like my mom and my relationship dynamic with her. I’ve even called my mom a wanna be God-Matriarch because that’s the pedestal her mother was put on.
When I’m in crisis, my mom is kind, giving, empathetic, available. But when I am strong and confident she can’t relate to me at all. She only relates to my suffering.
Daniel, thank you for this video. This validated me in a way that I’ve needed for a long time.
You’ve put it all so well
Right! on! Daniel! You know the wonderful thing that you provide here is resonance---it really is such a great feeling and I believe that when these feelings are activated the "happy chemicals" are released supporting all kinds of psychological benefits and physical health as well
I just found your channel today! I relate to your videos a lot!! So helpful!!!
Once again, thank you for the insightful video ❤️ I wait for your uploads religiously 😂
Love this video...thank you!
Thank you very much for your channel, and all the reflections that you share.
My dad was a narcissist and molested me until my teens, and would always make me feel guilty for being bothered and uncomfortable, as if I was seeing something malicious there because I desired it. I developed lots of sexual complexes, and fetishes that I'm sure are related to that and my feeling of helplessness. If that wasn't perverse enough, he's a doctor and he'd always bring up psychoanalycal bs, talking about Edipian complex and stuff. The world is full of sick people, and therapists are rarely informed about this kind of dynamics. It's so great to have resources like your videos so that people sort their own trauma out.
My Grandmother was the same way.
With your videos ur explaining everyhting that I went through ... its so elibarating when I.understand more of why they were like this.
OMG This is very powerful information!
It will take time for me to take this in ....
I will have to listen to this a second time!
What you said is spot on!!
Deus ex machina ....i cant help but realize i have a doppelganger on the other side of the world (i m in Budapest)...sure, i am aware these issues affect almost all of us....Just a sidenote:your video about breaking away from parents has been 1of my -apparently most significant online revelations...Keep this activity rolling...sincerely, Viktor
Dear friend - I had many family of origin issues to work through. My parents both suffered early childhood trauma & so they were imperfect people from time to time. I can say, I held a grudge for quite awhile, but it turns out I was just struggling to connect with answers to my questions. - Over the course of my life, those questions were answered to my satisfaction; not from my parents directly because they both passed away a long time ago, and , they did not feel comfortable discussing personal things ( born in a different century - people were more private back then ) . All I can say, is that I cried & cried, whenever I learned that they were who they were because of what was done to them. I cannot in good faith, hold anything against them because not one of us grows up in a vacuum. We are shaped by many things, and do not operate from a pristine set point. I am sorry if you still feel so much pain & rage after all this time, hopefully you will make peace with yourself & let go. If you don’t ask questions, you cannot receive answers. .. I suggest you go deeper into your feelings, and connect with those ..Explore at that level . What are your deepest wishes ? You can connect with those & allow yourself to feel things like , wanting a mom who loved you & supported you the way you wanted. You can change your past by allowing yourself to connect with what you want, allowing yourself to feel how you want to feel. And just keep doing it ! I came upon this strategy & found it works very well for me. {{ Hugs }}
ouch, that one hit home
Brilliant thank you.
Again, what an insight.
And very relatable…
Imagine how this might encourage one’s adaptive mechanisms to be sick… more often as an abstract survival mechanism…
Yikes.
My Mom actually have Münchhausen by Proxy .. Ive got a Twin Sister who sits in the Wheelchair!! Yeah its very VERY sick!! Im 35 now.
Great video.
What you are saying about a mother controlling a child in that really unhealthy way reminds me of the character Bertie and his mother in the "44 Scotland Street" series of novels written by Alexander McCall Smith.
Have you read the short story, 'I live on your visits' by Dorothy Parker?
Jesus man....so much truth. I relate....
Whoa. This is intense.
You were such a cute little boy. :)
I live in a small town in northern Wyoming. I've lived around here most of my life. I've been in a state of shock since 2000 when I first seen the movie, THE MATRIX.
Why? Because back in the nineties I had talk about many of the same things in that movie winith a few different people. They had apparently taken the things I'd talk with them about and made that movie and a few other movies as well.
There has always been some very bigwig type of people that live around here and a Hollywood presence around here but I never gave it much thought as most of it was kind of under the radar, at least till 2000.
I'm not a writer or anything like that. They seem to have just taken things I'd talked about before and made the movie, THE MATRIX and some other ones.
It's a long story but anyway, there's a mural that was painted on a building downtown back in 2001 a month before 911 WTC. For some reason a week or so ago I thought about this mural and took some photos of it.
It seems to have some predictive programming about this PLANDEMIC were all suffering from now.This area has always been a cow and sheep ranching area also and I've rarely if ever seen a sheep herder wearing a mask like the one in this painting is. Also the herder is herding the sheep into a snake in the grass. Thanks.
drive.google.com/folderview?id=1EV4dug05R-3unohB2JsAnHRm41cM7QqP
I wanted to tell you about the above first because it's very important Daniel. But several years ago I started learning how most of my family are and always were very narcassistic/destructive to me. I can relate to everything you speak of about
Me: This is so messed up
This x me
My malignant narcissistic mother likes me better when I was sick too. She was nicer to me and I figured out that she was training me to be weak and sickly. To stay down. Powerless. Was rewarded for being sick so much so that I even pretended to be sick get her demented version of ' love'. If you think about it, mothers like this rewarded and trained us to be IMPAIRED. BROKEN. WEAK. RELIANT: on THEM. Plus, then the mother got to speak about us with their neighbours and Friends and relatives about how weak and sickly we were. Not only that. That's being weak sickly and vulnerable gave those mothers excuses to violate our boundaries. Out came rectal thermometers. The enimas. The suppositories. The Castoria. The discussion about our bowel movements in front of people. The trips to the perverse doctors with the anal exam while the perverted mother stays in the room. The mother yelling at us to *_"BEHAVE!"_" while violating us with any number of those aforementioned things. Truth be told, was an excuse of those types of mothers to do S/A on us. So they got to keep us weak and sick by rewarding us with the very rare kindness. They got us to miss school. They got us to not have friends or the fit in, (because of our 'sickly' constitution). They got to make us wear snow pants when it wasn't even cold out so we would get picked on by other children. They claim that we had kidney disease etc. Got to take us into the doctors for exams that required barium enemas. These mothers were demented, evil, perverse monsters with Mal intent. They were boundary-violating manipulators.
As a female, this mothers also interfered when it came to our 'development' and 'V' health with lot of unnecessary "checking to see" down there. 😠
Why would your mother tell you you're the significant patient? What was her motive?
Oh, same here...
I just started reading 'the Dubliners' yesterday, and I just finished the chapter called Eveline.. Is it possible those stories are connecting to this? They seem to be about young people who often can't quite find it in themselves to break away from parents and elders and become independent. Then again, maybe it's a cultural thing.. Being stuck on an island is hardly an imperialist way of life, and there's no direction to expand in anyway, is there.. Therefore, the old world cultures surely have had to contend with these things more than we americans do
Well you see it all started with this ad I saw for a Red Ryder BB gun..
Oh The Truth
Geez, it sounds like we had the same mother...