Borderline Lies, Narcissism Myths
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- čas přidán 16. 11. 2021
- When someone with a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) acts out and cheats on her partner (secondary psychopathy self-state), she feels guilty and ashamed in the aftermath.
But she also dreads her mate’s reaction (separation insecurity). So, to ease her conscience, she voluntarily confesses but she also lies about what had actually happened.
Typically, she minimizes the transgression: “We just danced, or hugged, or kissed, talked, or drank, or had coffee together for old times’ sake”.
Or she transposes the event to another place or time, usually conflating it with more innocuous but similar occurrences.
She feels justified to lie because she casts it in terms of self-defense against abusive reactions to her misconduct (interpersonal hypersensitivity).
Gradually, she starts to believe some of her own prevarications and protests vehemently against any attempt to refute them.
She feels exonerated and vindicated, empowered, morally upright, and entitled to repeat her misbehavior and to lie about it, cornered as she is in a dead relationship by her abusive and rejecting partner (alloplastic defenses coupled with an external locus of control).
And since Borderlines read rejection and abandonment into every act of their mate or spouse, recurrent misdeeds and then lying is baked into any relationship with them.
Psychopaths lie. Narcissists mostly confabulate: concoct self-aggrandizing narratives to bridge dissociative (memory gaps) with plausible scenarios.
Antisocial Personality Disorder Alternative Model (p. 764)
"Deceitfulness (an aspect of Antagonism): Dishonesty and fraudulence; misrepresentation of self; embellishment or fabrication when relating events."
Narcissists dissociate (erase memories) a lot (are amnesiac) because their contact with the world and with others is via a fictitious construct: the False Self.
In an attempt to compensate for the yawning gaps in memory, narcissists and psychopaths confabulate: they invent plausible "plug ins" and scenarios of how things might, could, or should have plausibly occurred. To outsiders, these fictional stopgaps appear as lies. But the narcissist fervently believes in their reality: he may not actually remember what had happened - but surely it could not have happened any other way!
These tenuous concocted fillers are subject to frequent revision as the narcissist's inner world and external circumstances evolve. This is why narcissists often contradict themselves. Tomorrow's confabulation often negates yesterday's. The narcissist does not remember their previous tales because they are not invested with the emotions and cognitions that are integral parts of real memories.
People with severe dissociation (memory lapses and "lost time") are often misunderstood and perceived as liars.
Debunking some narcissism myths:
1. Unambiguous physical or sexual abuse rarely results in adult (secondary) narcissism. To be afflicted with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), one needs to be pedestalized, idolized, pampered, instrumentalized, or parentified as a child and then abruptly and cruelly discarded. The adult narcissist spends a lifetime trying to recapture those lost moments of parental idealization.
2. Narcissists do have emotions, but they have access to and experience only negative affectivity: rage, envy, hatred and the like.
3. Narcissists have a truncated form of empathy ("cold empathy") which allows them to spot and leverage the vulnerabilities of their targets.
4. Narcissists dread abandonment ("separation anxiety") and are often dysphoric ("depressed"), especially when they fail to secure narcissistic supply.
5. Grandiosity is about being unique, not about being the best or the greatest or the most. So, the narcissist can brag about being the perfect loser, failure, or victim. This is especially true of covert narcissists.
6. Some narcissists are prosocial and communal: morally upright, altruistic, and charitable. They are ostentatious and grandiose about it all, though.
8. Narcissists cheat less often than psychopaths because they are prone to abandonment anxiety and are terrified of losing their partners. They are less faithful during the bargaining and devaluation phases of the shared fantasy.
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store: www.amazon.com/stores/page/60...
Love it how he always roasts his haters 😂😂
In a very smooth way 🤣
I'm a psychology student, I've had good professors who discussed personality disorders to myself and classmates academically none of whom come even close to this guy's understanding of personality disorders and cluster B overlap complexities. I don't get why anyone would hate on him, if you oppose his ideas then assert academically why you do, because I've watched about 7 videos of him and I can't find any mistakes about his elaboration on cluster B personalities, as a matter of fact, I think he even added new plausible theories like the concept of switching between cluster B personality disorders and the concept of an overlay cluster B diagnosis that I find much more coherent than past theories that were over-categorizing personality without accounting for human susceptibility of adopting different pathological behavioral patterns due to each of our unique upbringing, his shared information had clarified some of many confusions people had about cluster B and their subcategories in the psychology and psychiatry schools of thought, at least I can talk about myself in this regard.
@@Solmaz_S His channel has definitely helped me too, he really is very enlightened about the topic of narcissism and cluster B personality disorders. There were so many things that confused me about personality disorders because of how much overlap I'd observe between different diagnoses and symptoms, but I watched his videos and it has clarified and answered many of the puzzling questions I had. Sam is a gem in my opinion.
@@shenisenicole103 Will look them up! , I'm already reading his book, Malignant self-love, narcissism revisited, and it's so fascinating how everything about narcissism is broken down in this one single book.
Yup! He is genius to keep it simple and effortlessly understandable♥️ ... .....
Bee3a I've noticed that many people hate anyone and everyone though and some of them even get into unnecessary and ridiculous arguments on the cute animal videos!
As you'd know, it's much easier to make thoughts known nowadays, whereas people used to just think it or say it to the person or people they were with.
I want to add that I certainly wouldn't call Sam Vaknin an idiot by any means, yet that person might be psychopathic and say that about everyone. 🙁
Check his videos on sex and gender.
Whilst his videos on cluster B personality disorders are generally good, he seems to feel incredibly confident talking about subjects he doesn't understand. I swear some of his arguments are posted on incel forums.
Thank you, you have no idea how much you’ve helped me become self aware. Life was hell before understanding wtf is going on in my head
3:11 It makes me wonder why they're also always the ones that freak out the most if THEY'RE ever lied to.
Yes! The ex psychopath would always state he hated liars! Haaa! He was a walking and talking lie!
Jordan Peterson has this vid where he says, "NEVER tell even a white lie to a paranoid psychopath, or they'll basically obsess about it & make you rue the day."
It just dawned on me... It might be projected self-hatred...the same way Narcissists despise the weak, but don't see that their own actions are all born out of weakness.
Otherwise, I don't really understand their double-mindedness. . .
They certainly do seem to hold others to a higher standard than themselves, in my experience.
Maybe they view themselves as outcasts, apart from society-& unless you're a kindred spirit, they expect you to live by society's rules.
So, maybe it's a weird, split fetishistic idealization. . .of society's standard for others, & their own separate code for themselves?
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Or maybe it's an attribution fallacy? So when they lie, they feel it's because they had no choice-but when others lie it must just be because they love lies.
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Or even if they can see the their hypocrisy, maybe they just have so little impulse control. . .when angered. . .like Cain?
And then in blind, self-justifying, grandiose rage, they disproportionately avenge themselves on others, even though they're just as bad or worse.
But Sam says a good proportion of the time a typical psychopath's sadism is instrumental; maybe that's just when they're not possessed by anger.
This is SO true too! I once said I'd wait to eat my sandwich when she got home from work.....but I got hungry and ate it an hour later. You'd think by the way she reacted "I hate liars and cheaters"!.....so it turns out she's a FULL BLOWN NARCISSIST who's done nothing BUT lie and cheat on me!!!
........ that's really something man!!! Unreal!!!
@@Rick-hf6ov lol You remind me of this anime Elfen Lied, where a girl calls a boy a liar & kills his whole family...just because he showed up a little late to a date.
this has been my favorite of your videos so far. confabulation can be such a dangerous and destructive thing for those around the borderline and the narcissist. it can be so confusing to see someone believe their own lies so fervently as if they were true just to make sense of their own pain and to rid themselves of their own guilt for their own mistakes.
I recommend Sam as the expert on personality disorders, he is very easy to understand!
Stop Hating!! I think he is Brilliant!!
I so agree with you! He has helped me see the "truth" about myself. 😆
Would love an hour on the couch with the Prof to find out just how much my narcissistic mother stuffed me up....😆
He is definitely brilliant!
She totally did! She spent the evening with an old boyfriend, there was a matchbook from a local motel! It disappeared a few hours later. “We just talked! “. “I never lied to you!” She said later apparently forgetting her ever day behavior. And yes she was totally mistrusting.
You've changed my life I now have boundaries and I listen to my gut feelings too and so far always wright... Sam vaknin your very great in what you do
Thank you for clarifying narcissistic traits with your wealth of expertise .
Finding and listening to this great master, helped me to survive the death poison from the cold fang of the narcisst.
I was near alihilating myself, i felt shame, on so many level.
Worse still I introduced him to a younger sibling.
He played a game he knew what he was doing.
He knew I was in a fantansyland.
He watched me fool myself then started the devaluation, put downs, discouragements from my personal goals, and then discard. Etc etc.
When I’m happy with my partner I actually see their features as more attractive. I’m physically more attracted to them and they literally look better. When I’m pissed off at them, they look uglier and I’m actually grossed out by certain parts of their body and even certain faces they make. 🤷🏼♀️
You’re brilliant , the best descriptions I’ve ever seen of these disorders .
I literally do adore the speeches of Prof. Sam and their amazing irony . Such a lesson for the haters .
Well I have no degrees behind my name, and 90 % what you say is extremely spot on.
As per usual an entertaining and educating video.
Time well spent
I will watch "Who's afraid of Virginia Wolf " with a new perspective .
Excellent movie .Hope ppl watch it !
Now I think it is possible to understand how someone tell lies while still being "truthful".😄
Prof. Vaknin, thank you so much for all your videos.
What kind of lie would it be to have a miscarriage but continue to pretend you are pregnant. Even purchasing a pregnant belly to wear around his family and sending photos of sonograms, and maternity pictures. Then culminating in answering the phone and allowing him to hear what he thinks is his newborn crying and a nurse talking?
I love you!!!! And you're work is incredible...incredible mind amazing man .love your humour too ..🤗
THANK YOU for explaining WHY THEY LIE! I could not understand why it was so easy for my ex-husband to lie IN COURT UNDER OATH swearing on a Bible! I took this very seriously and spoke the truth. For 3 years I have not been able to understand this.
The Mark Vicente interview will be interesting. Watching "The Vow" raised a lot of questions about what motivates us and maintains our focus, to our detriment. Hamster wheels.
Sam vaknin is absolutely brilliant!! I love listening to these videos!!
I knew my ex Narcissistic girlfriend cheated on me and even after having evidence and proving that she had cheated she continued to keep the same lie going. Eventually she told me the truth and then after I left she took it back and said that all that had happened was that her boss asked for her number. Mind you... it took her 2 plus years just to tell me her boss had asked for her number when I knew the whole time they had had sex
Thank you for guiding me through so many people that would’ve destroyed me. But I have learned so much from you God Bless You stay strong people are jealous of how intelligent you are they wish they were.
Informative as ever, Prof Vaknin. No wonder the "psychopathic" tendency seemed so strong in my covert nex, if primarily he is.
While I was girl I've never cheated.Now i don't regret or lie...he doesn't care,never ask me where I go,how I am...even a couple of times i said that i go to my lover and he never reacted.Im BDP...possibly something more during the years.Even if he finds out i already know that I am not capable of feeling regret.
You are amazing Sam!!!
Can an antisocial or borderline believe the lies they tell enough to pass polygraph?
I think yes. There was a rapist in my country, eho easily passed polygraph. For him tgat was not rape. In his sick mind he believed that was consent.
My BPDex gf told me she slept with her male friend. I told her that I don't believe her and I know it's just another test. Then she started to pretend to cry and convinced me that it's true. I got mad and wanted to end the relationship. Then she put on her child-like mask and told me that it was just a joke, she wanted to see my rection.
After that I really ended the relationship.
Did she really cheat or was trying boundaries?
My guess - she did and was afraid of my reaction, just like Mr. Vaknin said.
Did she cheat or was it just a mindgame?
@@jebidesse so she cheated and then played the game? could it be just testing the boundaries in push /pull cycle? because few minutes before this happened we had very strong bonding moment
@soft kisclosure get out from that so called "relationship" asap
She did.
When people tell you who they are believe them
@@Ellie-bo9uh Not necessarily, sometimes it's really just a mindgame and testing boundaries.
Thank you sir. You have constantly given me peace with your great inputs.
My son crying saying grandma why do you slap me in the face when I saw my ex my wife attacking her mother sitting near the hill after she died!
I love from a distance, in secret.
Awesome.
Please🙏
Where can I find information about the 8 functions of lies?
Great video again.👏 It would be great if Prof. Vaknin explain empathy in one of next videos. I think I have empathy for animals more than for people. I don't really like to share anything with anyone, only if I'm really into someone. I suspect that I'm quiet borderline or asocial, I have never had normal relationship I just don't know why is that. I abandoned many people in past but people abandoned me too. I also lie a lot, have no idea its stronger than me sometimes. I have anxiety. I was in a relationship with narcissistic guy, whenever he tried to manipulate I also manipulate him too. He ghosted me. Somehow always find emotionally unavailable and cold partners. I also mirroring people, especially new people. I argued with almost every person in my life. There is only one we never argued, I guess because she agreed with everything I said. I don't know how to behave and speak assertive. Its been a long time to understand this and have insight. It's exhausting when you don't know what exactly is wrong with you.
I'd love to get the literature that has been referenced in one of Sam's videos where he states that there is a growing trend of narcissism in WOMEN. Any help would be appreciated.
Can’t help with the reference. But I’ll tell you from experience, I come from a family full of narcissistic women. Some as old as 90 years old. They get worse with age and are inexplicably dangerous. They groom at least once daughter to be a narc as well. So I’ve seen it grow, through generations.
@@vm5529 that's great insight. I had a therapist tell me something similar years ago - that it gets worse, not better with time. I suppose there are exceptions to every rule though.
Wow!!
Dear Sam, could you elaborate on bpd and alexythymia, as a bpd diagnosed patient I often feel not exactly as a liar, but definitely not authentic in what I'm sayin... just becouse I'm so confused internally...
Love does not hurt ❤
I missed you🎀
When the disassociative person is adding to their memories is it a conscious act? For instance, do they sit down and say "Okay, time for me to manage my memories."? Do they need pad and paper, or is it strictly mental? Is this an on-going endeavor, like a conveyor belt rolling on and on? Or is it periodical?
That beginning is funny...and yes he is handsome.
Please provide details to the Nothingness Documentary
It is by Paula Lekuona. Not out yet.
@@samvaknin Alright, thanks. I'll be on the lookout.
Yes many lies was just the beginning a many years being being of hurdle ways and disorders of her conduct mean being being a CO dependent probably I was probably I would say if that was my worst but having children with her invested many years with my 1st children even being a part of it all together 8 children involved 8 children being affected in all psychologically Possibly be destroyed from the covered narcissist she was watching every one of us suffer getting great narcistic supply I was sad
If you lie about everything... Are you lying about lying about everything, or is it the exception to the rule?
How does these lies fit with pathological lies. Speaking like a child who says something is early when it's late or black when its not hot when it's cold so on...on
🔥🔥🔥 I love watching these videos with my borderline wife. (I'm dx NPD, female as well) She just 'loves' getting her ass dragged by getting her games called out so clearly. It's so damn amusing to me. She can't stand the truth, worse than me, because it shames her, and I just gain awareness. 🤣
I have a happy dance I do whenever he makes his first mention of the borderline and her "secondary psychopathy". I get so much supply via Prof. Vaknin. Knowledge, self awareness, vocabulary expansion, and bothering the hell outta my borderline baddie wife while helping her see the light. Highlight of my day, sad enough as that might be to say. 👀😘
How do you know it's just games? Mine exBPD told me she cheated, at first I told her I know its another game, then she convinced me. Got mad at her and she then told me it was just a joke to see my reaction. How to when ita just a game and when its true?
@@TAFROB29 I don't have any of those dynamics in my relationship. My wife is a very successful and responsible woman out in her career and the world, and at home she wants to be the opposite. So she moreso is passive aggressively annoying and girlish to get a little extra attention, and if I don't pick up on that or don't fall for it I get the quick switch where she withdraws into her drawing or something and wants me to coerce her into doing something else. This is just one particular dynamic between us out of what seems like a million over our 14 years. I am so attentive and nurturing of her naturally which reassures her constantly that she is safe and loved, but I'm also frustrating and challenging enough to keep her on her toes and on her best behavior so as to avoid abandonment. And she is the same for me. If I was not well versed on every detail about my wife down to what her random sighs mean based on environmental/situational context, tone, etc., She'd be out there trying to find that fulfillment elsewhere. I'm also aware she may never ever be able to truly feel safe knowing how much I love her and I treat every day like it's the last when it comes to the loving words I share with her and about herself. You just have to get to the bottom of what that behavior really fulfilled in her. Could she have wanted to punish you? Have you been showing her high enough levels of love and admiration. It can be incredible high one day and barely needed the next. You gotta be able to read that or she will find a way to feel that someway. Good luck.
Yes I was the ultimate failure dear that's what I was in her eyes she got great reward as she was the saddest that put all the pain the best pain one that loved her could have had the on be mad that would forgive her of all her abuse time members I'll her abuse time after time again!
Can a person with Borderline be cured if they attend therapy and take medication?
Yes with lots of hard work
It’s impossible to put eggs in a cake after baking it for an hour.
@@jebidesse they’ll never be apart of the cake. They missed the bus lol.
In my opinion you are never “ cured” from BPD. I compare it to an alcoholic….. a pickle will never be a cucumber again. You do DBT and treat it with therapy, Reiki, yoga, neurofeedback, EMDR, journaling etc. BPD is a trauma dilemma and it mimics bipolar and ADD. Newsflash : A traumatized brain doesn’t respond to psyche meds. You can take different drugs to calm this brain like gabapentin and anti psychotics . They can allow you to get a foothold on recovery at the start. Watch out for benzodiazepines…… I watch people in my 12 step group detox from them and it’s awful to witness. That drug class is the worst! 💜
I will try microdosing psylocybin next week hope it helps xD
You're so interesting to listen to 😲😭
From comments below I see nothing has been learned by some people ... the language used is to me obnoxious and self elevating...
Hmmm.. but how if there were evidence presented to them and they still deny, deflect, lie etc etc...?? They definitely know they are lying in this scenario correct??
They cry and hate you and then proceed to self harm or give suicide threats
How he started 😂😂😂😂😂 comedian
I’ve just barely started and yes God is great and Richard Grannan is handsome!!
You are conveniently ignoring the lead question: Is Sam Vaknin an idiot?
@@samvaknin Prof. Sam Vaknin? Pure genius.
Richard Grannon is quite good looking. 👏
I actually find Sam V. To be more attractive :)
Candice Gbane I'm from New Zealand and think that many Maori men are good-looking, so I find the self-aware narcissist, Lee Hammock, very attractive! He's married, but nothing would happen even if he wasn't, or got divorced, because I'm in my 60s and live in Australia. ☺
Yes hè is… sorry world!
Vaknin, Grannon is not good looking. I have a hard time listening to any videos with him in it actually. I much prefer your lone videos.