Thoughts of a Vulnerable Narcissist | 10 Covert Narcissistic Behaviors & Corresponding Thoughts
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- čas přidán 18. 06. 2024
- This video answers the questions: Can I identify some of the beliefs and thoughts that are behind vulnerable narcissistic behaviors?
Narcissism:
There are two types of narcissism: With grandiose narcissism we see characteristics like being extroverted, socially bold, self-confident, having a superficial charm, being resistant to criticism, and being callous and unemotional. Vulnerable narcissism is characterized by shame, anger, aggression, hypersensitivity, a tendency to be introverted, defensive, avoidant, anxious, depressed, socially awkward, and shy.
Kealy, D., & Rasmussen, B. (2012). Veiled and Vulnerable: The Other Side of Grandiose Narcissism. Clinical Social Work Journal, 40(3), 356-365. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Sandage, S. J., Jankowski, P. J., Bissonette, C. D., & Paine, D. R. (2017). Vulnerable narcissism, forgiveness, humility, and depression: Mediator effects for differentiation of self. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 34(3), 300-310. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Derry, K. L., Ohan, J. L., & Bayliss, D. M. (2019). Toward understanding and measuring grandiose and vulnerable narcissism within trait personality models. European Journal of Psychological Assessment, 35(4), 498-511. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
Miller, J. D., Lynam, D. R., Vize, C., Crowe, M., Sleep, C., Maples, K. J. L., … Campbell, W. K. (2018). Vulnerable narcissism is (mostly) a disorder of neuroticism. Journal of Personality, 86(2), 186-199. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
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They can be extremely kind and polite to strangers in an unfamiliar setting. They don't show their cruel side to everyone.
Jolene:
When I first set eyes on your comment I knew you knew the Covert and I didn't read it all yet. We know this and they are NOT good people. Talk about depth of not caring is some weird sh-t to be around. They just don't care. They will portray delightfulness to a stranger and come home to their partner and alienate, neglect them, ignore them and proceed to do obnoxious behaviors constantly knowing damn well it bothers you. No more because I'm getting pissed off right now. Bye.
Then threaten them , they fear of you r going to tell to someone
This!!!!!!
My mother...😏
They like to groom victims. Once they have them on the line or they get bored, they move on.
Vulnerable narcs really do have that Jekyll and Hyde thing down to an art. It leaves others in a constant state of confusion and anxiety. This is really how they trap their victims. First comes the charm, then comes the evil. It's maddening.
Run for the hills
Yes Soooo scary it took me 14yrs to know abou this
@@cherylcaardillo1702 I didn’t understand my mother is a VN until I was in my mid 40s. It took to age 51 to completely go no contact. And I finally have a life that isn’t pandering to her drama, envy and sabotage.
Abuse is abuse get rid of them. No contact.
Every freaking time. I've got to do something
my mother conveniently has forgotten my entire childhood. Of course, well, the axe forgets but the tree remembers.
Hmm, I reckon the axe remembers delivering the blows that temporarily blunted it, leaving it unusable until it has been sharpened. I can see the axe proudly surveying a forest of limbless trees and stumps...
You got the "It wasn't so bad" LIE. Or my favorite, "That never HAPPENED" sort of revisionism. THESE PEOPLE ARE ABSOLUTELY EVIL. There IS no low they won't stoop too. Blameshifters Inc they all are at the end of the day
Some of us need to be our own parent 😢 Love yourself and always honour who you are 💕🤗❣️
Both my parents have conveniently forgotten my entire childchood and my sisters :D
well said
A covert narcissist may respond in a variety of ways when discovered, depending on the particular circumstance and the person. When their behavior is criticized, a covert narcissist may occasionally become aggressive or defensive and reject or abdicate responsibility for their actions. They might try to gaslight the person who exposed them by getting them to doubt their own sense of truth or perspective. Narcissists frequently employ this strategy to keep control of the relationship. In other situations, a covert narcissist could act more violently or aggressively in an effort to retake control or establish dominance. They could try to control or intimidate the person who has exposed them, or they might lash out with abusive language or actions. A covert narcissist may also retreat or isolate themselves if their actual nature is discovered. They might make an effort to separate themselves from the person who exposed them or try to avoid any sort of conflict. Being masters of manipulation, narcissistic people frequently possess a special ability for charm, which allows them to get away with manipulating others. They might be able to beguile people into believing they are not actually narcissists and convince them that they are to blame. The process of exposing a covert narcissist may be extremely taxing and even dangerous, so it’s vital to keep that in mind. It’s crucial to exercise prudence and have a solid support network in place, including friends, family, and a therapist. You can process your experience and develop a strategy for dealing with the circumstance in a secure and healthy manner with the aid of a therapist or counselor. Additionally I hired a private detective *Barryinvestigation@gmail. com* . Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
so glad you got a PI. I should have done that in the past, but found out so much a few years later - but it turns out, I found out the truth when I was ready to hear it. Always trust your intuition. When things don't feel right, it is likely they aren't. My ex was leading a double life, but I've done the healing work (it isn't easy). The best thing anyone can do is live the best life you can for yourself....cut the toxicity out if possible. Surround yourself ONLY with people who lift you up. Covert narcissists actually have no identity, so they try to steal yours. They suck the life out of you completely.
If a narc criticizes you, just say thank you, ill use that criticism to become a happier person when I’m making my next relationship emotionally fulfilling.
lol this comment brims with hostility. I love it
Lol thanks, I’m using that
Lol I had replied with something similar and was told I'm "nice nasty"😒
Just ignore it completely. Or keep it simple if its a direct criticism. Say thanks
I like saying "you think so? That's too bad" or "that sounds like a you problem"
Timestamps for your benefit:
1. Blame shifting 4:21
2. False accusations then playing the victim 6:22
3. Claiming memory problems 7:31
4. Bringing up a sore topic on purpose 8:45
5. Stealing credit for someone else's work 9:50
6. Starting fights for seemingly no reason 10:44
7. Ending relationships without warning 11:47
8. Money flaunting 12:33
9. Acting cold and distant 13:43
10. Temporarily acts confident and dominant in social situations 14:23
so if you mirror a Narc, what happens.....because its impossible to handle a female narc, as the law is behind women, and men are dead.
@@scott7008 In what world law is behind women??
@@saharsin7413 italy. Very legally skewed towards women and children
@@scott7008 I'm in a so called feminist region, Skandinavia. I have a case with a police over a Narcissist man who has raped and abused. I'm telling you police doesn't give a damn at the end of the day. He is just an other white man getting away with everything he has done. So no, when comes to action Law is not behind women.
@@saharsin7413 move to italy. You are super protected
Children raised by narcissist are likely to attract them because growing up with them it seems normal. Empaths attract narcs
Yes! Mighty Mouse, so true - they feel "familiar" to us. They feel normal, but in reality, truly normal people "feel" boring to us. We need to re-program ourselves. I heard a good saying: Look for the Fireplace🔥, not for the Fireworks 🎆
Unfortunate story of my life 😞
💯
😭
This is why I am learning about narcissists. I realized I'm surrounded by them.
When you catch narcissists in a lie, they continue to deny. It feels as though you are talking in circles. They never own up to their reactions or they just might throw out an "I'm sorry" after a while of arguing just to shut you up but it really has no merit. I know because I deal with it in my relationship.
I had a narcissist employee. After she didn't get thanked in our group meeting for donating to our hospital charity fund, she apparently felt insulted by me. A week later in our meeting, she informed me she had donated $25,000 anonymously to the charity fund.
This was patently false as she earned $45K, drove a 10 year old car, lived in a $100K trailer home and was a single mom sending her son to college at the time. I was dumbfounded. When I mentioned that her name had not been on the list I was given, and that the HR department said no such donation had been made, she became irate. She aggressively said "Prove it" and stormed out of my office. She would not back down on this or on other occasions when she told obvious lies.
I had this and worse. Decided I'm better off in my cars, if necessary.
Best choice I ever made. Only wish I did it sooner.
I just got out, finally. I still miss her, the trauma bondage really sucks...
oh god, me to. I'm so mad at myself for letting someone around me that's toxic. Deny Deny Lie, it gets so old & I feel stressed & older & now fatter from all the toxic behavior I endure:(
My children and I say that it is like talking to a revolving door.
They are so damn good at twisting everything you say against you too. Often you feel completley drained of energy when you dealt with one of thoose predators.
Don't give them too much credit now. Being a leech isn't a strength or skil.l it means they're so bad at everything they do, they have to take from everyone else.
I've given up having conversations with the VN in my life and have just retreated into myself since that is the only option I have.
The narcissist gets worn out too. They deflect responsibility onto you.
Restate that you spoke clearly and your words don't require reinterpretation. Here's the piece you might be missing in your puzzle.
When you work with lots of money on the line or peoples lives on the line you don't allow people to reinterpret because that is how the airplane falls out of the sky next time we get it into the sky, or that is how the building burns down, or that is how the bridge collapses. Take your pick and I advise people to learn what communication is, how it happens, and how to be effective with it if you're going to use it as your primary tool when dealing with people other than yourselves.
They can dish it out but can’t take it. Truer words never spoken!!!
It's so interesting to me that almost everyone in the comment section is the victim of the narcissist, but no one is stepping up saying, wow, I think that's me!
Its very true. I said that to my ex narc and he went into a narc rage.
@@jenniferlawrence9473 They like to think of themselves to be more similar to grandiose narcs tho
That’s my fiancé to a T! So passive aggressive since I moved in. I’m in the process to taking steps to leave. I’m not sure it’s because he’s a covert racist but wants me to control while looking like he’s not racist
@@jenniferlawrence9473 that’s because narcissists would never even watch this video
I’m a diagnosed vulnerable narcissist and, while some of us are definitely on the abusive end of the spectrum, a lot of us save our anger for ourselves and lament over the gap between our lives and our ideal selves. With my narcissism, there’s actually a strong disinterest in others so I don’t feel the need to exploit or harm anyone, it’s just this core belief I have that I’m secretly better than others in some unnameable way.
This is Jennifer Sinclair. Same with my mother.
Appreciate your honesty and insight.
And I'll bet money you're desperately unhappy. Ya dummy, if you help others, you can't be unhappy. Especially if you're a drunk or addict. I'm not saying give money or a place to live or a job.
Just wisdom and honesty.
Thanks for sharing
If you don't mind me asking what led to you getting a diagnosis? Usually I would figure that victims of narcissism are more drawn to seeking diagnosis rather than a narcissist
Usually, by the time you learn the person is a "covert narcissist", you have already 'dealt' with them in one way or another. You cannot and will not recognize the person as a 'covert narcissist' just by looking at them or having casual interactions with them. You have to observe, listen, and understand what you SAW,what you HEARD, and WHY you SAW and HEARD that. Now don't that sound easy. The better question is how do you STOP 'dealing with' a covert narcissist once you understand what you SAW, what you HEARD, and WHY you SAW and HEARD that? The 'best way' to 'deal with a covert narcissist' is to STOP listening, STOP observing, STOP wondering WHY, and STOP having ANY interaction with them. If you MUST have interactions with them, limit the interactions as much as possible. No "hi, how are you doing", no "hi, I wish I had time to talk to you", no "hi, it's nice to see you", just "hi, hope you're doing well, I've got to run" or just "hi" and keep walking. If at all possible avoid ANY setting or situation where the narcissist or a 'flying monkey' can observe you or listen to you. 'Flying monkeys' are the narcissist's 'possessions'. Dealing with or interacting with anything or anybody the narcissist 'owns' is considered the same as 'dealing with' or interacting with the narcissist. The more you 'deal with' a covert narcissist, the more you will have to 'deal with'. Do not 'run' from a covert narcissist unless you can 'run' totally away from them. When you 'run' from a narcissist, it makes them feel powerful and important. They like that and will make a sport out of watching you 'run'. Once you 'learn' the person is a 'covert narcissist', you have to 'learn' to either 'covertly' avoid the hell out of them or 'overtly' have NO CONTACT with them and refuse to 'deal with' them. This all SOUNDS so simple and easy, but ask anybody who has ever "dealt with" one and they'll tell you it's one of hardest things they've ever 'dealt with'. Additionally, Metaspyhub@gmail. com is a company that is ideal if you need to be able to confront a cheating spouse because they have some of the most advanced features in the industry.
Dr. Grande, as a 63-year-old woman who has been dealing with VN's since the day I was born, I want to thank you for helping me to gain so much clarity in my thinking about all the confusing aspects of my life. Insight is a beautiful thing and I will be forever grateful for your wise words!!!
Doreen , before you started the treatment, did you had any insight ? Like you knew that something was off ?
@@gsafadi2 , Sandra Wegman is correct but I will say that I knew something was off in my life for many years but I always thought it was a very tangled web of specific circumstances and personality traits coming together in a unique way. It was not until I heard the term "covert narcissist" (or vulnerable narcissist as Dr. Grande prefers) that a light went on. From listening to Dr. Grande, I have gained a perspective that has taken a lot of weight off my shoulders.
@@doreenzimmerman7410 i know how it feels. 😊
I feel so happy reading this. If I'm Being honest I'm thinking off My own mother who is the same age, and throughout the years became more and more beaten down due to these People. She is a Beautiful soul, My biggest wish is for her to be able to see things for what they really are. This is what i would say to her: I hope you found you're way back to who you really are, know this core off you was never lost. I see you Always, please reach out' and join me in a world without fear.
Doreen Zimmerman careful, now... Dr “Grand” is actually a covert narcissist.
I'm really struggling after watching this video.
I genuinely can't decide if I'm suffering from a covert narcissist in my life, or if I'm the covert narcissist and they're reacting to me.
I wish there was clarification as to the scale and scope of symptoms. It is improbable that I'm the only person watching and wondering this.
Yeah what pisses me off is that he never responds in comments and hearts them only when the person is praising him or the video.
Dr Grande does make new videos when a question prompts him.
Exactly my question.
I guess the only way to properly find out is to speak to a psychologist yourself because there are so many small differences to take into consideration, it's what they've studied since years. Very informative videos still.
It's great how you sidestep yourself in this way. Many people here only see problems in others. I actually don't find it important, to find one person to blame à la "You have been first, you are the evil one" but to see that both partners are in a way trapped in this maladaptive interactional pattern. So the question is, how can I break the pattern effectively - It really doesn't matter who is the one who does this first, wether this is you or your partner. So it might be best to start observing your own reactions and start thinking about possible alternatives and slowly exchanging them by those you found out to work better for the relationship. If the partner sabotages this evidently, than you have at least a proof that you aren't the only one who acted in a problematic way. Good luck.
for me it all started when I finaly fixed my mental healt.. I was in bliss.......... then I remember a girl that was shy like me...... and I wanted to help her. be a hero... a saviour.............. but the problem here was... as soon as I though of myself as a hero, a vilian was born...... eventualy after 1 month. I got pulled in her rabbit hole of crazy........ and I kept going and going. and ignoring my intuition that was screaming from the inside.......... then the vilian started winning inside my head. and I was a victim in my head...... then I walked up to the girl that I loved and all broken,. I broke her heart as well............ it was very hard for me to let her go...... but I let her go. because... I couldnt live with myself knowing I have her in a cage. she would be like a bird without a song............. I created this hell in my head....... guess Im covert narcissist. by what Ive done.........
I am a vulnerable narcissist. Envious, dependent, resentful, hypersensitive, insecure, longing to be a high-status person. But I am extremely honest and being a kind person is important for my self-esteem. So I avoid the dishonest behaviours which you described.
Do you lie, manipulate or gaslight?
@- septimus - how's life been
Septimus, the "drive to succeed' overflows into your previously stated characteristics. I'm here to tell you when you achieve that success level - the grand first prize is Loneliness. Less is more
I'm not entirely sure you can have a diagnosis without the behaviors associated with it, or forms of functional impairment.
Envy, resentment, sensitivity and insecurity are feelings and traits a good deal people have to contend with and hopefully overcome at one point or another in their lives, if they don't translate in consistent behavioral patterns it must mean that at least you've found ways to regulate them and cope, and at best that you were being too hard on yourself when you wrote that comment
@@BIBLE-UNBUTCHERED exactly I hate to quote Kendrick when talking about faith but how much does a dollar cost, maybe your place in heaven.
I had some vulnerable narcissistic traits when I was younger, mood swings, anxiety and depression. My self esteem swung along with the mood, and problems with social anxiety and shame. It felt like the world was a dystopia where bad people would get all the rewards, and the "polite, caring and orderly people like me" finished last, a bit of incel oriented thoughts I guess. Eventually you realize that it's the high school mentality that is toxic, and not the world in general. It felt like my peers hated me for having good marks, like everyone who was better than them needed to be destroyed. I tried sertraline and it helped a lot, and also finding more optimistic friends. Narcissism causes more narcissism so it's important to try and break the cycle. My life is great now and I'm really grateful for everything I have 🥰
Congratulations. From a vulnerable narcissist battling to become better i applied you.
Except the whole thing about bad people always winning is true. It sounds like the world just wants to shut people up for knowing this by calling them a narcissist and punishing them
I was bullied at work and guess what? The bullies called me a vulnerable narcissist. I didn't do anything, it was them justifying their ill treatment
Toxic people thrive. So I've come to find solace in philosophy. I relate to many philosophers in the past. I also find it comforting that people like Vincent van Gogh went through the same/similar things as me. Society won't change but we just have to admit that we can't change society, it's more likely to change us
I was in a relationship for 7 years to a VN. Very destructive to me emotionally! I had to get therapy for the severe anxiety that plagued me because of his manipulations. He has tried to Hoover me since and I considered reuniting with him, but now that I am informed, I set my boundaries very clearly and I can spot his behaviors and call him out on them right away. I have confronted his excessive drinking and get blamed for it “I drink because we are not together” is the reoccurring line. Now he did the disappearing act when I stood firm. No more narcs for me!! It feels good to be strong again!!
Wow. In still in the relationship, it's been 13 years. But I'm slowly kicking him out, otherwise I'll have other issues with his childishly attitude.
Same here, I had enough back in 1997. Toxic and soul destroying individuals.
I was in fear that I would never find anyone again. Such a lie from the enemy. My counselor did the best he could with me but the true revelation came when I prayed and asked God to show me the truth about my VN and I literally asked God “please take these feelings I have for him away. I keep getting sucked back in”. I went around and around on that merry go round for 4 years until it finally dawned on me to ask God for truth and to take those feelings of dependence away. It took about a month or so of prayer and I finally started to feel free. I was still vulnerable to Hoovers for a good year but I finally moved on and the anxiety is gone.
20 years ago, I asked God for the gift of discernment and He granted my prayer. I don't hate the narcissist that destroyed my life rather I pray that the individual comes to recognise the havoc they've done to myself, themselves and others.
"Love your enemies as you love yourself".
Jesus Christ
I can't imagine being so closely involved with a narc. The mere thought is nightmare inducing, I hope the best for you and everyone else struggling with their attachments.
Describes my ex husband of 20 years perfectly. Most resentful person I have ever met. Pouted like a baby every time his kids achieved anything.
Wow that's disgusting,not allowing not even your own children to become successful. Uterly distyrbing. Such parents are a case for years and years of therapy.
@Goodnuff Fornow When will you decide that they aren't the problem?
Yes! My dad is like this to me, he will praise my achievements, and then suddenly be oddly jealous and critical the next second.
i'd be proud as hell if it were my kids. was he ever part of their success? kinda important to have that as a child growing up.
@SubversiveMemes Because they act better for long enough, and you feel genuinely sorry for their troubles, which are often real. It's only over time that you realize there's no way to help them, they are alone in their aloneness and you are merely being pulled into their dark cloud.
The vulnerable narcissist in a relationship in my situation only present hard for the significant other. Other people will perceive something off, but it's the partner who is being slowly boiled. As others have posted, behind closed doors, when that person isn't making major efforts to present normally, at home and without others present, we experience their insecure raging. And it takes sometimes decades for us to realize that that isn't because of something we've done, that we aren't enough, but because that person is so insecure they have been chipping at our self esteem to make themselves feel better all that time. When you realize it finally, it's maddening.
... but don't ever tell them they're insecure.
Number 6- random fights: sometimes they want to spend time away from you (to cheat or use drugs, or just be alone, but rather than be open…) so they start a fight and storm away. Or they want an excuse for abusing you with some stonewalling or other punishment.
Oooh spot on.
Or they want to wind the other person up so they can then say they’re crazy or similar.
It's the mentality of domestic violence. These people never change. Just dismiss them or don't give them any money, a job, use of your stuff or a place to live.
It's a cycle. Lundy Bancroft says that they keep and foster a resentment f9r weeks. Months, years. Until they deem the victim "asking for" abuse of some sort and blow up. 😒
It's usually just a "sucker punch" of a mean or rude comment. It can and often DOES progress to physical abuse.
Im.all for pressing charges and restraining orders, but assume you'll be called a liar in court by everyone. Even if you have zero record and they've assaulted every woman they ever were with, as it turns out.
Ask for a permanent restraining order and block them. Assume they might well come after you, keep your eyes OPEN, and be armed. Mace, whatever you need.
Yell FIRE if they get within 50 feet of you. People love a good fire and you'll have witnesses.
So, you met my parents, huh? One said nobody would ever gaf about me when you get mad at the games and abuse of extreme emotion immaturity.
More than once, they said it. Lol.
I started walking away towards the end of our relationship out of frustration with the constant gaslighting.
My ex-husband would always shift the blame or deny it happened. If you confront him with evidences or point out to logical inconsistencies in his thinking process he would tell you that you are overreacting or just stop the argument and avoid you for the entire week, then came back like nothing happened.
Thank goodness he is an EX!
Definitely a narcissist
YES
Exactly where did they become wired this way in the womb, starting with their limbic system of the brain development this seems likely
My husband's mother is like this. He has mentioned events from his childhood where she came off as less than a perfect mother. She completely denies it ever happened. Granted, he tends to suffer in silence when things go wrong, but she may be the reason. Once he fractured his ankle and she wouldn't take him to the doctor. Another time he had a concussion and severe headaches for days, and again she said it wasn't important enough to go to the doctor.
Its funny when you said that the vulnerable knows something is off.
I had a grandiose and vulnerable narcissist friend in my life, the grandiose always said that "people act crazy, people are stupid, everybody is wrong" .
But the vulnerable in the ocasions that he was in a life crisis he would say: "i think im a little crazy, i think im paranoid, i have a lot of hate inside.."
Its like he knew something was wrong in those moments, and then he would later "forget" that he said those things.
And both said to me at some point: "i have a love/hate relationship with my mother" 😐
That's form of manipulation. They're saying these things because it is expected, "I saw it in the movie, that's good line, normies say these things all the time".. yeah.
Don't fool yourself, they don't forget shit. Whatever they say is pretentious/mask.
Dave Jones I dated one who
had “trust issues” . He wouldn’t pay any bill online. He had trust issues bc he couldn’t be trusted.
@@shadrach6299 same with my friend.
@@pmf026 so true. they forget absolutely nothing!
shadrach I’m not sure that is necessarily a good example of trust issues being evidence of being untrustworthy. It may well be perfectly accurate for one specific individual and their tendency to project but certainly not a universal example/truth of untrustworthiness, which is how it came across to myself. I don’t care for online banking as I don’t really trust such either as the only “paper trail” (more accurately, audit trail) it leaves is a strictly digital one, so if anything happens in the banking system that corrupts that digital record there will exist no reliable evidence of payment rendered (I’m rather intimately familiar with computer security, hence my concerns). I also have deep seated trust issues with respect to relationships (and hence have not been in any for over 25 years though I desperately desire such), but not because I am untrustworthy. Most who know me have no issue whatsoever trusting me with just about anything, whether personal or of great value, and would describe me as trustworthy almost to a fault. My trust issues come from a history of considerable past abuse in childhood coupled with abusive partners when I tried dating in my early 20s and those experiences are what have left me unable to trust others. So while projection is a legitimate concern with certain personality types one must also be careful not to see projection in every similar example as one may have great difficulty trusting others without necessarily being untrustworthy themselves (nor is their lack of trust necessarily reflective of you or even how they may perceive you as some of us simply have very traumatic pasts, unfortunately, and trust can take a very long time to establish).
I initially watched these videos to figure out why some of my family members act the way they do. As I dig deeper, I realize that I also have some of these covert narcissistic tendencies. I hope I can grow out of this and change. Thank you for the great information!
What about day to day stuff, like stepping aside for women with their hands full and such.
Or if you have a dog, don't make the dig walker stand in the street to avoid yours?
I see this every day where I live and people wonder why I'm single. Lol. Because I wouldn't live w someone who puts themselves first like that.
I've had grown men plow right past me or actually shove past me.
Your awareness & desire to change makes me think you can & will. I started out seeking insight on several family member's behaviors too. Glad we have more clarity and choices going forward. Peace and blessings. 🙌
A lot of people with narc parents are kind of shaped to reflect their parents. Noticing and changing is the biggest battle 😢
My father is a full blown narcissist with malignant tendencies. I have always been a massive people pleaser and craved approval, so I know I am overly generous and i constantly try to placate.. even when I shouldn't. However, I now realize I have some vulnerable traits myself. They don't really affect my relationships persay because unless someone directly criticises me I am ok, and when they do, I just withdraw or become sullen, even if I feel a lot of rage inside. However, I now realize it has affected greatly my life choices. My need to be the best or at least highly competent at anything I do means I don't do anything, because failure or feelings of shame crush me. I have a unskilled job, although objectively I am well above average intelligence. (Based on test scores not self perception) I just had a melt down about my art because my bf offered me constructive criticism on my drawing. People at work constantly ask me why I am in the job because I am "so talented " and say I am wasting my life.. but I just cannot face failure and criticism and that is ruining everything. I know that in the job I am in, I can never fail. Like I said, I have empathy and self awareness, and I contain my emotions so I don't believe I am full blown npd, but yes I believe these traits massively affect my life. I think a lot of us are more affected by narcissistic parents than we realize. I wonder if anyone else here recognises these traits in themselves.
Loom out for "constructive criticism" from unqualified jackasses. They do that to p*ss on your parade. And put you down.
I absolutely do. Your words spoke to me in a profound way. I have been complacent for the same reason. It is no way to live, happily and authentically. I am also artistically inclined & appreciate your comment so much. Peace and blessings to you. 🌻
I didn't recognize these traits in myself until I was about 19 or 20.
My best friend who was one of my roommates at the time and we also worked together driving long distance just us two.
He told me off one day and it was justified. I was offended by what he said but cuz he was right. I also noticed that everything he said were things that really bothered my about my dad.
This sounds familiar to myself. Is this traits of aftermath or is this actually being npd? I get very overwhelmed with all the pain from a perceived failure and I find I just stay unfulfilled and away from anything that can hurt me so much. I stopped trying because I had been made to feel never good enough.
At least you are self- aware. That’s the first step towards change.
Faking a sincere tone, I told a narcissist, "I'm not as smart as you are."
The feigned humility was incomprehensible for him, rendered him bewildered, tongue-tied. He changed the subject.
Delightful :)
Omg, I used to tell my ex-narc "I'm not as clever as you are." because he was so sneaky and deceitful. Sometimes I think he took it as a compliment.
You two would get railroaded by anybody with an IQ over 17.
@@springfauna1465 I've never been complimented on my cunning in a while. That's a great feeling!
Still, it does seem a tad forced. When you compliment a narcissist - or anyone for that matter - be specific in which feats of wit are superior. I take particular pride in my ability to influence a room without bringing any attention to myself.
Haha, well they are in essence VERY predictable so it's possible to really throw them off with stuff like that. They are still human though, and it's a really cruel thing to do to them. They never deserved to get the disorder in the first place, yet they got it anyway. And all their feelings & behaviours, although extremely toxic, are a result of that disorder. 'Getting back at them' for their wrongdoing to you is really cruel for that reason. Best thing is to go no contact without trying to hurt them back. There is no shame in wanting to hurt them as it is a logical reaction of your brain to do so, but by not acting on that desire you're being the best person you could possibly be in that situation.
@@Blue_Azure101 is every person who insults others a narc? 🤔 and i even think the guy was just trying to provoke a comment like yours...
I think that calling these "thoughts" is a mischaracterization. Personally, I was the victim of what I'd say classifies as a covert/vulnerable narcissistic parent. I came to this realization 11 months ago, and in that time I've learned so much about my parent, my childhood, how that parent shaped me even in subconscious ways, and how I had adopted some of the same behaviors. I had to dig my way out of the hell they created. And I learned that many of the defense mechanisms that got me through adolescence and the mindset created through being manipulated, emotionally abused, and gaslit for 20+ years translated poorly in adulthood and became narcissistic behaviors. I don't think, for the most part, that these are conscious "thoughts". I'd probably call them motivations. Because when I looked within myself, I found some of these motivations. It was only by understanding my mother's behavior patterns that I was able to find the strength to look at the parts of her that seeped into my nature. Only then could I see my victim mentality. Narcissism seems to be a multigenerational curse of poorly-raised humans getting stuck with the wounds of childhood and never properly accepting their lot in life, taking responsibility for their own actions and agency, and taking on the painful burden of truly changing for the better on a fundamental level. But to call them thoughts is to imply that narcissists actively choose to act this way, knowing that it's fucked up and wrong. I'd venture to hypothesize that a number of them are unaware of normality and how far from it their perspective has been warped.
Absolutely correct. I was completely unaware.
Mahalo, thank you, for this. I wish you healing and the strength to change. This was something I needed to hear. I can make a change. Aloha nō, mālama pono, take care
Thanks for clarifying this. Comments like these should be required reading for the ones getting stuck in CZcams narc bashing buzz titles and subsequent lists. It's a complex and nuanced issue. Wish me luck.
Well said
I understand because my late father was one. I couldn't understand then why my childhood was unhappy and always felt something abnormal when compared to my friends'. This is insightful...
I’m totally over it. No contact period! There went my empathy... for them
Lol, fancy seeing you here.
how long until you broke? lol
GOOD FOR YOU, focus on making your life better, they can choose wether its with or without them. You set your boundaries. I would very mich recommend the “without them” option.
If you feel it’s what’s needed. It likely is.
Married and divorced from a covert narc.. Your description is spot on. Especially the blame shifting and false accusations. We're divorced and I am trying "no contact" even though we have a son together. So without me as a target, he goes after, for example, my son's teachers! Interesting dynamic.
@collars and cuffs Because people don't require a psychiatric assessment of a possible mate in most cases. They marry, and at times a child is born into the family before the person realizes what kind of mate she is dealing with. Doesn't that seem like maybe it happened in Nedra's situation?
Watching these videos I've diagnosed and undiagnosed myself several times. "Oh that sounds like me", "aw hell no", "wait I kinda did that before", "wtf who would do something like that". Lol. Anyways, great videos, very interesting.
I know. I was a psychopath 15 minutes ago.
😄
Recognising that you have behaviours like this indicates that you couldn’t be a narcissist because a narcissist would never see themselves as being wrong - ever. Lol
same! I am absolutely a vulnerable narcissist with a touch of sociopath & avoidant personality disorder & suicidal ideation lol
Very cool - sounds like you're saying these are integral but regulatable characteristics of the human condition, sometimes fuelled by more resentment/power than is good for us? Opposite ends of the same spectrum. What must it be like to be throwing little balls of carefully nuanced nudges at people all day?
You are hitting some points that's making me feel such high levels of embarrassment. I'm hitting myself in flashbacks about how I tend to be. I cant afford therapy so I'm kinda wondering how I can deal with myself if I am a vulnerable narcissist. I guess being aware of it is a good place to start.
All people have all traits, but the amount is important. Watch also dr Les Carter
I feel like I may be guilty too. I think it's a lack of self awareness. Sometimes I get so into my head that I'm not even thinking about how I must be making others feel. It's like I think the other person doesn't mind my pity parties. And I have such a bad habit of saying rude things if I feel attacked. And it's like, in my head, I feel like a douche and I even realize how ridiculous I sound as I say cringy and rude things. But it's like I have an angel and devil on my shoulder, but the angel just sits back and let's the devil take over. Also about the empathy thing. It's like I only feel empathy if Im long removed from the situation and reflect over it. And even though my apologies seem insincere just to get back together with a mate, it is sincere because I was left alone to sit in it and reflect. I just wish I could have self control. But I'm always feeling like a victim. It's like, well I lost my dad at an early age, my mom has became an abusive alcoholic after he dies, she remarried an abusive psycho I and was mistreated and bullied by peers in school due to being a quiet anxious kid. And now it's my turn to be number one and get the respect owed to me. But deep down I know it's not everyone else's fault. I just want to be ok with myself and not need to fish for compliments and remind people they aren't better than me even when they don't claim to be. I want to be a legit good dude.
The mere fact you’re reflecting on it is a good thing, my mother is a vulnerable narcissist but I know for a fact she’d never admit to having some symptoms
I am aware.of it too.
@@nathangordon4891 thanks for that comment...I was thinking the same thing. A VN will never even utter a self- exploratory question or admit the possibility that anything could be amiss with the VN. I think we all have traits like this sometimes... but VNs are like that all the time, and they believe in their own self-perfection at all times.
Im a vulnerable narcissist but not a lot of people admit that. Its a healthy sign to know what you’re dealing with and if you’re trying to solve it. I’ve had childhood trauma, so it is somewhat related to it
Keep up the good work.
4:19 - Blame shifting, False Accusing... 6:27, Then Playing the Victim, 7:32 Claiming to Have Memory Problems, 8:48 Bringing Up A Sore Topic on Purpose, 11:15 - I have a need to that you're not meeting and I need to recognize that need without telling you what it is.
It's the garden of resentments. Lundy Bancroft.
Let's say a couple goes to dinner 2 weeks ago. They had a good time. Then, he's mad about how SHE got the attention over him for 10 minutes.
He'd been nurturing the bratty anger that whole time.
It might lead to physical abuse or murder, too.
StF AWAY from these types.
Parents w Emotional Immaturity are the sort to pee on your parade. So, tell them NOTHING.
“I have a need your not meeting and I need you to recognize this need without me telling you”
Try getting this Before the first date, and all through Instagram posts , cuz.”they won’t call you”.
The best part is, after each video I have a full understanding and no confusion about what you're presenting. Clear, calm, concise. Rekindled my love for psychology. Your an excellent teacher Dr. Grande.
pseudo science.
Agreed with the big comment
*YOU'RE
The sickest I ever felt was when I realized I was encountering a VN...... I found out I would not get closure, so I took it myself. I ended the relationship and cut off all contact. Being around them makes me sick. I refuse to play with their insanity. They can be alone for all I care.
@SubversiveMemes because they subvert that personality.
👍🤗
@Javier Donut Hi Javier. Please talk to your doctor. A lot of what you're feeling could simply be down to chemical imbalances in your body. Please reach out to a professional.
@Javier Donut I am not so sure...a vulnerable narcissist wouldnt listen to this.
@Javier Donut You're definitely not a narcissist. Real narcissists have no introspection at all.
I'm blown away. I can't believe how accurately this describes my ex husband. Previously I suspected he was something of a narcissist but it didn't quite line up with his behaviour. This is it. Having to co-parent, I still end up sucked into this tennis ball game. I criticize something he did to the kids, he launches a verbal assault to wound, jumps to other sensitive topics, denies abusive episodes from our marriage, calls me the lunatic, shows my feedback is unimportant by bragging about something that makes him superior to me. Thank you so much for helping me understand what his motivations are.
You just explained my entire life. Now that I have a better understanding of myself, I can get the effective help I need. I’ve been asking myself forever why do I feel this way? Why do I act this way? Why do I push everyone away when their not giving me what I want or not acting the way I want? I’ve been asking myself for so long. Thank you so much.
🤔🧐narcs are usually not self aware, you might just be suffering from trauma from narcissistic abuse
best description ever of blame shifting!
Projection oh my blame shifting..just went through this again last night.... Been going on for 28 year's..
@@ibrudejude I'm in the same boat.
Yes I think he video taped my Family of Origin (laugh out loud))
true! I had to write everything down he said,
so I can always remind me of this!!!
DARVO = Deny, Attack, Reversing Roles of Victim and Offender
Just finished my mental health rotation and I decided to delve back into these personality traits and styles. Man so much more information in these videos than a whole semester of nursing school.
I get more out of these videos than I did from grief therapy.
Try living with one of these people too and you will be an expert.
@@caitm8209 for sure! A marriage to one comes with a free psychotherapy PHD!
Well … man Henry … if you look like your pic you can be my nurse anytime! Lol 😂 Good luck
#7 hits close to home
My entire life, I was driven to understand my father because it didn’t make any sense how he could be so destructive to his family without being conscious about it. When I read up on narcissism, it was the only explanation that could justify everything he did.
I felt bad for my half sister who my father had from a previous marriage. He would often visit her (she lived with her mother), but he finally stopped visiting her at the age of 10. Never bothered doing anything. My sister wrote letters to him as a child, asking why he doesn’t visit her, practically begging to see him. They lived in the same city yet he didn’t do anything. Pretended like she didn’t exist, only occasionally sent her birthday cards by mail with a few dollar bills inside. My heart breaks for her. He was clearly consumed by shame, he couldn’t see past anything except his own negativity. I can’t have pity for my father. He pitied himself enough already. I just feel heart broken about the whole situation. So much sadness on both sides, father and daughter. He just needed to put his own feelings and ego aside, but that seems too difficult to do because he made it so inside his head.
Better sit her down and explain it to her.
Adult Children of Emotional Immaturity by Lindsay Gibson. Eye opener. I'd read this at her age.
But if you don't fix it right away, this'll be the type of kid very vulnerable to child molesters or young boys for sexual gain. Not to mention wife beaters.
Show her The Gift of Fear. Gavin DeBecker. Maybe read it first.
For me, the covert narcissist comes across as a people pleaser. They like to be in the spotlight to get the validation that they crave for, as other narcissists but at the same time, they pretend to be humble, simple, generous, over giving. The covert narcissist will take time to build a relationship/friendship with you. During this period, they will show their admiration and their devotion by helping you with everything that is you need. They will try to convince you that you are soulmates and that they understand you deeply. At the same time, you will see them being overly altruistic, maybe helping society by engaging in charities, activism. They feed the poor, take care of the homeless. All this makes you think how lucky you are for having met such a beautiful soul. You want to be by their side for ever. However, soon you notice how much they enjoy being invited in galas to talk about their achievements. But they don’t admit that. They still play the humble guy who doesn’t want all this. Who is beyond money, beyond fame and recognition, who wants to share the floor with other people. But their acts don’t match their words. You come to realise that this selfless soul is actually doing whatever it takes to be in the centre of attention. When you do something together be it at work or at home, they want to control everything about it. They just exerce their control in a more polite and implicit way, making you believe that your voice was heard whereas in reality you did what they wanted you to do. Covert narcissists have a smooth way of leading you on. They don’t shout, they don’t give orders. They are master actors. They convince you that you are together in this. What makes them a narcissist is that when the time comes for them to use you in order to draw certain benefits, they will do it without a second thought and you are not going to believe in your eyes. And when you stand up for yourself and raise your voice against them calling them for their phony identity, then you will see their rage for the first time and the mask will fall. Covert narcissists manipulate less with rage/exhibiting superiority and more with people pleasing behaviour/playing the eternal victim. They are not aggressive as overt narcissists. They are more cunning. What they both have in common is self-centered ness and lack of empathy. In the case of coverts, it will take you longer to find out.They knew what they wanted to get out of you from the beginning. They created a whole theatre play to fool you about who they are and their true motives. You will trust them with all your heart but when the time comes for them to prove their loyalty by choosing your bond over their personal gain, they will choose the latter with no remorse, without even taking any responsibility. Unlike the overt narcissist, they will have an eloquent excuse for doing so, rationalizing why they had to f@ck you over. They will pretend to be sorry about it because this is something that matches the image of modesty that they want to project but in reality they are not sorry at all. You will see them partying with your own money when they said they didn’t have enough to pay you back. You will see them being unfair and untrustworthy to other people as well. When the mask of the victim will fall, you will see the cruel smile of a perpetrator who managed to get what they want without deserving it. If you decide to unmask them run for your life. Additionally, The unwavering support and dedication demonstrated by *Metaspyhub@gmail. com* have been pivotal in my journey to uncover the painful truth surrounding my partner's infidelity. From the moment I first reached out to them, their professionalism and unwavering commitment to assisting me in finding the answers I desperately sought were readily apparent and highly commendable. Through their swift action and meticulous investigation, They presented me with compelling evidence that left no room for doubt. Armed with this newfound knowledge, I confronted my cheating partner with newfound courage, reclaiming my self-worth and paving the way for a future filled with renewed hope. Throughout this emotionally challenging process, Metaspyhub's expertise and unwavering support served as a constant source of strength, offering invaluable guidance and empathetic understanding when I needed it the most. I am profoundly grateful for their unwavering assistance, as it has empowered me to move forward with unwavering determination and newfound resilience.
Wow that was rather long
My wife is a covert narcissist which I only just recently discovered by accident although the signs were there right from the beginning. I remember saying to her years ago, you are like a shop window full of desireable goods but when you go into the shop there no stock, totally empty. I took her mask off and I believe I wittnessed a Narcissistic Collapse, it was like a scene out of the Exorcisit. What was very interesting was that I had access to her FB account which I could read all her DMs, WOW that is all I can say, they live in their own delusional world. Yes she was having multiple affairs which she caught 3 stds, she kicked her oldest son out on the street over such a trivial matter and has had me arrested multiple times. It seems that she is in self destruct mode so my reponse has been to do nothing, when the enemy is in the process of destroying themselves, do not interfere.
She has been trying hard to find a new primary supply but at 44 years of age all she can get are situationships. It is very amusing to watch these charactors playout.
This description fits the Covert narcissist well.This type is a real Jekyll and Hyde character, I have dealt with a few. The worst one of them has some sadistic qualities so I pegged them as a malignant covert narcissist.I wasn't sure exactly what I was dealing with as they could act overt in others company,as in not wanting to be ignored but the pretend shy was still there.Of course that is the coy charm they show to seem attractive to people.They are always on the lookout for new narc supply.The dumb act they put on sometimes is intentional to make them look like an innocent victim.There is so much more to this sly person.Good video.
Yes, it does from my experience also. It took me awhile to sort out the behaviours that you called qualities 🧐 Sadism reared it’s ugly head occasionally and I refused any contact when he was Dark, then he exhibited extreme paranoia each time I pulled away. The coy and shy/sly seemed to always be there even when he became aware that I could see right through it all. I only came to the ‘malignant vulnerable’ and ‘psychopathy’ conclusion today after an accidental meetup. It’s all so sad really. I wish I had Dr Grande’s professional detachment on hand at times.
@@healyourselffirst8824 I think that these malignant covert narcissists are the most damaging to be around.All narcissists do a push and pull thing to their targets what they call the mean/nice cycle.Learning to emotionally detach from these dysfunctional people is necessary to keep some peace of mind.Unless a person has been on the receiving end of a narc they can have no idea of how bad it can be.Keep well.
@@Sally150 Not from what I know and can see lol, funny question how are things going for you.
@@healyourselffirst8824 Do you want some low neurotism? Mine is set close to zero and I don't think it's all that wonderful at times. :/
thanks for sharing ... I agree !
People. The more I see and become involved with people the greater affection and gratitude I have for my dog. My Siberian Husky ... Athena.
Lmao k
Sometimes I think it’s because humans have a much larger cerebral cortex than other organisms proportionally. That’s way we are complicated and have mental disorders. Animals are like food, shelter, offspring, safety? Good.
My dog's a narcissist
i suspect who think like this are actually just awful. one's affinity for dogs doesn't automatically make them an awesome person who also judges others lmao
I do love animals more then people. They are who they are no games, just them.
Hear is also what I learned from narc husband. My husband is a vulnerable and grandios when it serves him.
1. Changing how invents happened
2. Doing you wrong first and then play victim when you decide to treat them the same.
3 play push and pull game in order to their need to act like single when they feel like it.
4. Focusing on your reaction to your abuse to make you feel bad for just reacting
5. Controlling all the dates and even the sex
6. Super nice to other women while ignoring me for long periods of time in front of them.
7. Pretending to be loving in front of important people like church members or school system or doctors.
8. Pretending to be an abused victim in front of doctors by making comments that suggest they are being abused.
I am a vulnerable narcissist to a T. It makes me sad, but it's the way I learned to be and it's very hard to break thinking and behavior patterns in ones 40s.
Excuses. Exactly what a crazy PSYCHO narc would say. Good one sug
same here (39). I found myself in a lot of descriptions in the video. But maybe i am just blowing it out of proportion... I feel really gifted, special and kind of smart, but then again I am very stupid and super basic too. I think it has something to do with overly religious feelings as a child (being like an "angel", etc etc) and also with the need for people to really "see" or get me, without me telling people and appearing rather anti social. I also tend to say "sorry" all the time for the tiniest things. It's so annoying.
I think I may be a covert narcissist. I will be seeing my therapist soon and I don't want to be like this. Is there a way to turn not be this way anymore? Am I doomed to be a covert narcissist if it turns out that I am one? Some of the thoughts that you had mentioned are exactly what I think. It's very embarrassing to admit but I need to come face-to-face with it. I don't like having these thoughts because I believe them to be a hindrance to interpersonal relationships.
Hey same here! I might or might not be a covert narc but I don't think this is a life sentence, maybe more of a huge set of behaviors, patterns, and modes of functioning that can be changed. The desire to change, daily self-reflection, self-compassion, therapy, and tons of weed (lol) has helped bring about the awareness I was lacking. It hasn't been easy and some days changing feels so overwhelming that I want to give up but the feeling passes (not always as quickly as I would like but, eh, c'est la vie). It sounds like you're already on the journey to change! Keep strong and know that the journey is worth every bit of effort it requires.
Wow! Idk but I would say if you see this about yourselves you have a fighting chance to change
As you are ‘Seeking Enlightenment’, that’s a pretty good thing 😊
Vulnerability is being present, however that feels to each of us. It’s easier to heal in a nurturing environment 🙏🏽🤗
@@kvargas643 hats off to you for being able to see this about yourself!!! Good luck!
I'd suggest doing activities that grow empathy in you. The empathy and virtuousness in covert narcissists I've met is very fake. They say/do/think of those good deeds only for their own "happiness", to add more points into them. People with empathy do it for their happiness as well as for the others' happiness.
First off, full disclosure, I am a vulnerable narcissist. I'm sure many of you won't like this comment for that reason alone but hear me out.
There is a lot of hatred in these comments towards vulnerable narcissist's. I suspect this is because many have come here trying to explain the behaviour of someone in their life and then having found it used it as a place to vent; I think that's fine to do. However, please consider that it's a disorder and isn't done on purpose.
I can point to the aspects of my childhood that made me this way and being vulnerable I can acknowledge when thoughts are based in a narcissistic mindset. It's not fun to have the disorder. It makes me suicidal, anxious and struggle with friendships and relationships. I know that another element of the disorder is asking for sympathy so I'm trying not to sway too far towards that.
But please consider how the narcissist's in your life feel as well. Don't write them off immediately. It's hard to have sympathy for someone who would write you off in an instant. Get them help, give them resources like this video. Then when they refuse to do anything you can leave them.
This argument is impossible when it comes to full on abuse from vulnerable narcissist's. If you're in this situation get out and worry about yourself.
I thumbed you up, narc buddy.
I'm some kind of narc too. Thought I was the covert variety too, but my antidepressants are making that difficult to ascertain - i.e. I've become more grandiose. I know how I feel on a regular basis, and that lines up perfectly for NPD, but it's less clear how I act. I get the impression that I am popular, but I hate all my fans because they annoy me.
No worries, mate. Even if the neurotypicals can't understand us, we can still look out for each other. (Still wouldn't enter into any pact though; you know the nature of narcissists and how we are ultimately loyal to ourselves...)
As someone who grow up with NPD/BPD people and who have all kinds of disfunctional stuff in mind i want to say that i get you! Also as long as you guys aren't malignant it's ok. What i've notice in you people and me it's that NPD are sinonim for humbleness. You maybe get used to please your feelings with fake and superficial stuff it feels enough but keep in mind just because it feels that way it doesen't mean it is and it's realy what you need. You are not superficial, don't be ashamed, you just used to less and it's sad. It's both strenth and curse. I'm sending hug to all good people out there, wheter they have NPD or not.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful voice. I don't believe I have narcissism, but I was diagnosed ADHD many years ago. I just wanted to say I found it encouraging when, after indicating some of your own struggles, you did your best to reel it back in and say that you know asking for sympathy is part of the disorder. I can relate to the difficulty of trying to communicate honestly, and trying to figure out how to say something without letting your disorder hijack what you're doing. We have to reign in different tendencies which are hurtful to those around us, but I can't help but feel a camaraderie with you in our struggles to reign in these different parts of ourselves.
Take care, friend. Keep fighting the good fight!
Thank you for sharing your experience in such a heartfelt revealing way. It means a lot to those of us not being judgemental but appreciating the trials and tribulations of one’s past. You give me hope 🙏🏽🤗
The reality thing is soooo spot on. I used to always say like this isn’t realistic or how reality works. And they literally would be like idc it’s what I want. “I have the right to be selfish and uncaring if it gets me what I want”
This was so helpful thank you.
Some thoughts that stood out to me.
"I'm deeply hurt by receig this criticism, but hurting you will bring me some relief"
"The idea of criticism is offensive to me, critism is offensive to me. Critism is only for people who are not perfect"
"I only value the feedback from perfect people, and you dont fall into that category"
"You criticised me, which shows you sont love me, so I am going to hurt you"
"I didn't think you'd have the confidence to stand up for yourself, now I have to remove myself from the situation that I caused"
"I like to see people suffering without my actions being the direct cause of their suffering, o that my actions cannot be blamed"
"I felt sad today so it felt fitting that I try and make you feel sad too"
"I know that high status people earn a lot of money and I want to be regarded as a high status person"
"I will show you that I have power and then you will follow me"
⭐"I know that I'm weak and I'm trying to over compensate by dominating others" ⭐
You just painted the picture of my WHOLE life of me being married to my VN husband !! This is him almost to a TEE !! He shows 9/10 of these behaviors !! Meanwhile i think im paranoid now so I will talking to my therapist about it who i will actually be seeing today 😁. Thanks again Dr Grande !!
Dr. Grande,
Of all the content creators I follow, you are literally the only content creator I never skip ads.
Respectfully.
Nice move, man. It's only right. The ads today were 2 mins long X2.
Judy Lee
I totally understand where you’re coming from, and do not blame you. It’s just for me, Dr. Grande’s content is so valuable, there otherwise would rightly be a charge for services for such consultations, for it not being available here. So the least I could do is suffer the ads on a clearly monetized channel which is of value to me/us.
Judy Lee lol yes. I have premium too bc I can’t stand the ads. I get real impatient, lol. Would rather pay.
I've just started premium but I'm wondering how well premium actually consider content makers?
I'm going to be paying for various things over the next yr as I find the right fit with my smart voice products...
I've noticed Dr Grande has Patreon , I've not ever used this & shall look into it.. he only charges $5 USD
Just want to express my deep gratitude for this great video. So accurate and clear, it literally saved my mental well-being. I have been suffering from CPTSD, anxiety and severe depression for over 2 decades (with CPTSD misdiagnosed as BPD in the first decade). I began to suspect that my mother is a vulnerable narcissist at some point, but the information I found online (there’s much more on GN than on VN) didn’t quite match her behaviors. Then, I found this video, and she actually got 10 of them. This explains a lot, makes me see the cause behind my CPTSD, and help me deal with years of self-blaming. Before this, I always think I’m a “real evil” person who blames their mother for their own problems (as she made me believe). So, thank you, and thank you.
I’m happy for your insight and i hope it leads to peace.
I feel like I am a recovering narcissist, like someone who recovers from other toxic substances. I don't believe people change internally, though we can identify, prevent, and modulate outside behaviors. It is a monster of toxicity, insecurity, and negativity inside of me. I watch videos like this to remind myself of things I've done or am capable of. I often warn people I meet of my tendencies, and I try to be as honest as I can(though I often overshare). I often fear I'm a ticking time bomb, like the old tendency will win in the end. Thank you for reading if you did.
it's gotten to the point where i click the thumbs up on Dr Grande's videos....then i click play
After 39 years as a mental health professional, I concur that I was more exhausted dealing with the nonsense from my colleagues than I was from delivering care to my patients.
Yup. Try REAL Estate. Scam artists and greedy, two-faced liars galore.
I love that Dr Grande has many subscribers without using any crazy transitions or cuts, he just get his audience with his pure professionalism that you can’t simply fake and I love it! Thank you ahha
I’m pretty sure I’m not a narcissist, but one time I said something so horrible in public, that my mind balked, and completely purged the memory of even the thing I said. And there I was, everyone staring at me, shocked, and I couldn’t even remember what I said just a second before. Blackouts are real😳😳😳
Wow. When you talk about vulnerable narcissism, it sounds like your saying word for word things my ex has said to myself or others. Its shocking! Thanks for your amazing work. 🧡
Its always the ex 😂
@@yeetyeetyeet1967 It's because he dumped her, not the other way around. She was getting plugged right up until they day he told her to F off, and now she's on vids like this crying about her ex and acting as if she's in the right.
Dont mind the a holes down below (we know who they are, lol) ... i know exactly what you mean, 100%: Can check on all behaviors as common.
The vulnerability of narcissists is much clearer to me through this video. It has erased my confusion that how traits of borderline, paranoid, and grandiose time after time come up with a particular narcissism. In fact these are the red flags to distinct a vulnerable narcissist from other types. Thank you so much Dr. Gundry.
"I never thought you would stand up for yourself so now I need to come up with a strategy to extricate myself from the respinsibility.." So they read a book on codependency and start calling you codependent and blaming you that you are the problem and it's because "you're codependent." This happend to me.
That sounds familiar....
My experience it's with someone who is psychologist. Just imagine all the illness "detected" on people that were made by this person. Even normal behaviors was considered by this person as "a trauma" haha
what if you leaned into it and said, I think you're right. I am a total mess and I'm not sure why you're even with me?
Well, if you were married to them or with them longer than .4 seconds, they're right. Go read the same sh*t. You'll see.
No sane person would tolerate their BS.
@@christinah.8504how did this happen to me
Having anxiety and often being unable to express negative feelings I was super scared I could be a vulnerable narcissist but after watching this I feel a lot better. I have issues don't get me wrong but it's now clear to me that this isn't one :) This was more helpful than you know. Thank you Dr Grande!
May be anxious attachment. I suffer from that too due to a narcissistic father as a kid
@Billy B yes and the abuse causes trauma for sure.
Dr. Grande, this was a very informative session. I especially found the tennis ball blame shifting analogy very fascinating. I am married to a covert narc for the past 17 years and your 10 points validate his disorder to a T! Thank you💛
LOL, you have the same username as me.
I think I’m the VN but I’m in a relationship I just wanted to ask you how you deal with your husband ?
My dad has this trait but not there others. He is still a good and agreeable person, limit to two criticism per day :)
@lily lansford. How do you know you’re one?
Spot on! You talked about my VN MIL. I can not believe there are many others like her. I spent 25 years doing kind things so she would like me and accept me into her family. She hated me more and more with every act of kindness. Now that I know about VN, I think it is funny that I never lashed out at her. She must be so frustrated with me. I am still with her son, 33 years married. He understands and loves me. We have an almost nonexistent relationship with her. She has turned some relatives against us. Their hatred towards us is extreme...so misplaced. I learn so much from you. Thanks a million, I mean a "Grande"! Hee.
Yeah, they hate when you're just normal, and won't get on the merry go round of hate with them!
It's worse when they're nice to your face and trash you behind your back because then everyone says you're the problem when you want to go no-contact.
@@namabest1 Wtf would you announce it? Just tell them nothing and limit contact or don't have any.
Can you talk about when a vulnerable narcissist intentionally or subconsciously villainize people that they perceive to be a threat so they can be a victim and gain sympathy from their desired person and alienate these people from their desired person so that they can isolate them?
that's called flying monkeys. they enlist others to criticize you.
I think you just talked about it.
My mother is a covert narcissist rather she has high traits on the spectrum. I found this video to be most helpful for trying to decode some of her irrational illogical accusations, thoughts and behaviors. Thank you! Good job 👍
Gabi Wenzelow,You got a lovely smile 😊
Don't tell the sh*t. That's what I do. The weather. That's all.
I recognise every one of those in my ex partners, and some in my mother, the original narcissist in my life. I can even remember (and my mother has told me tales) instances of these behaviors in my grandfather. A friend who’s husband was narcissistic (or possibly had NPD) is now struggling with some of these behaviors in her daughter. I am noticing more and more how narcissism can pop up across generations, it’s so interesting to think about the interaction between inbuilt constitution or genetic factors, and what is learnt from environmental exposure. I do feel that the ability of parents to mitigate against trans generational trauma is being hampered by technology (there is less genuine connection between parents and children) and we are looking at a tsunami of poor mental health. That’s why these educational videos are so important, thank you, as ever Dr Grande
Be careful to think more interaction between disordered parents and their children(us) would be better. Doing the "grey rock" and being invisible have certainly giving me my own share of bs to fight with. I fought all the "learned" narcissism somewhat successfully, albeit now resembling a failed narcissist, because there is no context for how it's "supposed" to be. Now, being used to fending off the hordes of npds in the unfortunate circles i've ended up in, proves to be alienating for "normal" people as well, since ofc they see "grey rocking" as the schizoid anti social response. Digressing - technology is amazing, like having access to videos like this, but used in the wrong way, the instagram, snapchat and reality show generation, its intensely damaging if any of that is taken as normal. It would be imperative to teach young people and kids, that those behaviours are anything but normal. Narcissism is portrayed as the new normal in anything mainstream/tv/ads whatever today(since catering to the ego(overt) sells, or making you feel better/smarter in case of reality shows. Clear cut learned narcissism) The mimicking on its own, for non-narcissists(undeveloped young minds) are extremely damaging for generations to come already. It was bad 10 years back, but with smartphones, its next level insanity when they hit sexual maturity from what i have seen
someone I know, when being confronted with a bad thing they did ALWAYS does either: "I can't deal with this problem you have with me right now because I'm ALWAYS besieged by all these other problems I'm trying to deal with" or "hey, instead let's deflect to some terrible thing someone else did to ME that we can "be mad at THEM - them not being present-" together!"
100%
So yes this....
My roommate is a vulnerable narcissist. She bullies me a lot but then I feel crazy for reacting. It’s so hard, and I am not sure how to “win” and put her in her place because I am tired of having to just brush it off.
Crazy this guy nailed about 12 traits of my dad. My mom's losing her eyesight now and instead of doing anything to help her, he is immediately throwing her in a nursing home.
Yep. I used to work for one. The workplace scenarios are spot on. Especially the credit- taking. She didn't just take credit, but made up stories about how she had "discovered" things.
I knew a guy who claimed to invent guitar chords. No sh*t. Time to go. There's many of them, but they're in a huge book somewhere, already
True I didn't understand I was a vulnerable narcissist. Therapy has recently opened up some stuff for me. Very recently so more is to be discussed.
This was a great way of describing the behaviors of a vulnerable narcissist. By telling us the thoughts behind their actions, it's more easily understood. If you simply list the traits of this disorder, they can seem very different. Almost a depression or sad state of mind, with no 'ill will' or meanness on their part. You cleared this up for me, nicely. Thank you for this excellent analysis.
Hi :). I seem to identify with the "depression or sad state of mind with no "ill intent"" part that you mentioned. I've been trying to figure out whether I am a vulnerable narc. There are parts of this video that I do unfortunately relate to. I was wondering if you could give me more insight on your own observations of people with this disorder?
Dr. Grande, you entered your field to help people. So I want you to know, you've saved me with your videos. I'm not out of the woods, just seeing things clearly for the first time.
Yo I can’t front this guy is nothing short of genius under this umbrella!!!smh his ability to convey in such intelligent clear manner is amazing!!all others have been seemingly all over place and leave you the job of organizing their research and information!
genius -
My mother is a blame shifter. she was my manager at work, and I watched her put hot peppers in someone's food because she thought he smashed her pastries she left in the office. she put dead locusts in another employees bag of clothing because she thought she was a sleeze. my mom is the Regina George of my family. I haven't talked to her in almost 3 1/2 months and I've never known such peace in all my life. I hope I never become her I want a healthy successful life and a healthy relationship. I never want to treat someone the way she treats people.
Stay steady, be yourself and set and honor your own boundaries. From a friend who's been there, and is now living free...🙂
Where did she even find dead locusts from? WAS the client a sleeze?
Wow...our moms might be sisters
Shocking behavior. Glad you have awareness of the toxicity and I'm sorry she isn't a nicer person.
Agree. What a sad, childish person. RUN!
So glad that I found your video!
My mother is a vulnerable narcissist, and I have been afraid of walking down the same path as her. I have looked up so many articles, and always match some traits. I started more researching out of pure anxiety, then I found your video. Thank you for explaining motivation narcissists have, and I can finally convince myself I am not just a copy of my mother. Thank you so much for clearing my mind.
I think my ex believed something was off. He once told me: “I know I love you but I don’t know how I feel.” It was the most confusing thing I heard. He definitely demonstrated 8 of 10 of these behaviors especially blame shifting which I always called him out on but he would always deny it.
Narcissists know what they are. At least. That they are different.
But. They are people too. They wish to be understood.
Unfortunately - They are Dangerous and Detrimental.
Damaging, Disempowering, Critical and Destructive.
I/You cannot help them.
omg this hit, my ex said this.. "I love you and i'm committed but i'm confused and dont know what I want" -_-
@@lollylightning we want to believe the first part of the statement however the “but” negates all of it. Mine is the type to recycle through ex lovers and female friends than to have a revolving door of new women. He just texted yesterday after a year of no contact. Why? Likely because his birthday is approaching in two weeks and he’s probably trying to see who he can hookup with for his birthday. 😒
@@NalaMahal my ex was the sane. Recycled. I hope you ignored your ex. Your assumption is probably right
I recently discovered my dad is a vulnerable/covert narcissist. Finding your videos is really helping me cope with the emotional abuse that I never knew was happening. Thank you for breaking down the delusions - the dad to daughter cold shoulder is exactly what I experienced for at least 8 years.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. Library has it
My ex had "memory loss", he was so convincing that even his therapist believed him. The therapist said he had memory loss because he smoked pot when he was a teenager. The therapist had him start taking notes and recording conversations. Made him even worse. SO glad that you did this video. THANK YOU for the knowledge, typical garden variety behavior!
Yeah, the classic "I have great memory when it comes to stuff you did, but I can never remember doing anything foul." To me that is something to look out for. When people "dont remember" doing something messed up instead of denying it.
They doctor shop until they find one that agrees with them. If not, they fake it until someone finally agrees with them. My ex husband ate a PB&J sandwich before going to get tested for high blood sugar. If that explains anything. To prove he is diabetic? For attention? I don't even know.
@@meesc3556 or they say you are crazy and you don't know what you are talking about, or start a fight about something else altogether.
So interesting! When my adopted daughter would get in trouble, I would try to find out how she connected the dots, what was her thinking. She would tell me mom, I looked around and saw how everyone was so happy and it's not fair that they had this good life and I didn't get that. She had severe trauma when younger. So sad. She would act up so they would feel as miserable as her. She wanted to draw them in to her pain like it gave her a sense of relief.
My daughter had a friend like that. She kept trying to make it better for her friend. Finally ended it, thank god. So much misery.
I am an adopted person and I recall being a self-harming, miserable teenager who thought it was so unfair that others were happy, had families they actually belonged to, etc. Now as an adult I am pondering all the ways I self-indulged in my misery and desperately sought after validation.
@@bash9032 Why not consider it makes you tough as hell. Look at what the Depression people had to put up with.
Utterly amazing summary of typical behaviour. I could spot the narc in my life in almost every one of them, and the thoughts behind them make total sense. From what I can see, you are spot on and really put it very well into words.
Thank you for this series of videos. I believe I have a vulnerable narcissistic mother and with every video it just validates - I'm not the crazy one. I have cut ties with no contact but she still calls, sends things (which I give to my children, letting them know where they came from) which is so hard. I don't feel I'm ever going to get away from her grip. Trying to stay strong for my family and not have that in our lives. I just want peace.
This is the first video I have seen from you and I didn't get halfway through before subscribing. The content and presentation are both phenomenal and so easy to understand. I feel validated and equipped. Thank you!
Wow thank you so much Dr. Grande for your incredibly informative and helpful videos on the vulnerable narcissist. In particular your video on v.n abuse was so helpful to me after a relationship with someone I suspect very strongly was a vulnerable narcissist. Of course I'm not a medical professional so it is purely speculation. But regardless of if my partner was legitimately a v. narcicisst or not the abuse your video described was something he engaged in most of our relationship. Your video really helped put "a name" to it and was really validating and insightful. I appreciate your time, effort and knowledge of these important topics regarding mental health.
Thank you!
Wow! 14 years of my life. 😮
I took a lot of blame and shame for years.
Clarity is enlightening. Sad I endured and believed it but happy this video is here. I am grateful. ❤
I love your teaching style!I have learning disabilities but when I listen to you I can understand everything so clearly,I am grateful.
Dr Grande :D Thank you! I swear you must have taken notes from my ex, I've just gone through a deeply troubled break up and this honestly helped me take another big step towards recovery. Wonderful videos that are fair and unbiased, truly focused on the science, I really love your work.
Dang, Dr. Grande, you're just GREAT! One on the absolute best on CZcams! Awesome that you provide documentation (cites) for your topics. You're better than a Harvard graduate and present information so clearly, concisely, and pleasantly that I watch every video of yours over and over. You're doing so much good for others suffering Narcissistic Abuse.
Leah Allen,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌷,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
I have been searching for real clarity for so long now, and I have to say...I got a little caught up in some of the people who explain this or that and yadda, yadda. But you... You have really given real, relatable information that speaks to me, for sure. I wrote to a doctor and I received the reply about half an hour ago that made me search for covert narcissistic abuse. And here you are. Maybe just saving my dignity, after all. Thank you!
I can’t thank you enough for all this info. Moving forward NOW I know what to look for, it’s the narcs in my life already I can’t seem to navigate. This helps . Have a great day Dr. G 😉🙏
Wow. My ex had high covert narcissist tendencies( he went to the therapy) he would always say something is off about himself but didn’t know what it was/ feelings and he felt uncomfortable.
This shifts between too many different personality examples for me to get a clear understanding of just a vulnerable narcissist. Thank you for your time, regardless.
This is so helpful, I was really unaware of the tactics my ex vulnerable narcissistic boyfriend used to bring me down. He would take painful things I shared with him and played them. In the final stages of the relationship and after hours of being put down I would get apoplectic over his blame shifting and then he would excuse me of being abusive when I responded. He would turn it around each time.
Its so insidious and channels like yours are so very helpful.
Thank God I got away.
You should do “Lack of Object Constancy/Permanence”. For BPD/NPD
I covered this idea in my thesis...I think it is a fascinating notion...
A refreshing perspective from their POV so we can have a better understanding of their fucked up thought processes. Thanks for yet another awesome insightful video unlike the others
This is really helpful in knowing what to avoid in my own behavior and what to be wary of in friends and partners. You’re doing good work Doc!!!
“I hate it when I sneeze and someone says, bless you, like… who are you to be blessing me” - Ex Narc
Love how thorough you are! Thanks
Thank you for making this video.'m depressed/anxious/OCD etc. So I was really beginning to think i was a vulnerable narcissist. Yet I don't do any of the blame shifting or avoiding issues by claiming memory lossand trying to do anything to hurt anyone. so I'm realizing that I might just have the traits of as someone who has PTSD rather than vulnerable narcissist.
Dr. Grande Thank-you so much. It is a relief to hear these explanations.
Thank you so much for the delineation of vulnerable narcissistic behavior. I have been married to someone with this and my perspective and emotions have become confused. I am starting to untangle this and realize how abusive he is psychologically and emotionally. He lies and is revengeful quietly.