How Borderlines, Narcissists Destroy Their Intimacy
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- čas přidán 20. 11. 2021
- Nothing terrifies the Borderline more than abandonment and rejection, real, anticipated, or imagined.
In the wake of repeated such harrowing experiences, Borderlines react in two ways, often alternating between them:
1. They avoid all contact with potential intimate partners, constrict their lives to work only, and become schizoid; or
2. They sexually self-trash in casual random sex, exclusively with strangers. This way, they never experience heartbreak, they mitigate the pain of having been rejected, restore their wounded grandiosity with their “conquests” (“validation” or “self-esteem”), and self-soothe.
Borderlines self-medicate with anxiolytic predatory men who often victimize and mistreat them egregiously, even in one night stands.
As a defense against the mortification, shame, and guilt involved in acting out and in being maltreated contemptuously, Borderlines immediately impose a romantic or defiant fantasy on the stranger they are with and the unfolding unsavory proceedings.
Borderlines react with derision and hostility to any attempt to undo the fantasy. They cast well-meaning and caring therapists, friends, intimate partners and family members as persecutory objects, almost enemies.
Unfortunately, Borderlines tend to pick narcissists as mates. Narcissists dread true intimacy and regard it as a threat, a permanent challenge to their grandiosity. Borderlines equally undermine intimacy for fear of being engulfed or enmeshed.
The two parties abuse each other as they attempt to cause their partners to decompensate and act out (misbehave), affording them an excuse to break up. This process of restoring one’s comfort zone by modifying the partner’s behaviors is known as projective identification.
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"Stranger can`t break your heart"
Daaamn that hits hard.
This is so sad and it breaks my heart :(
This is my favorite video of yours yet. "Borderlines react with derision and hostility to any attempt to undo or challenge the fantasy. They cast well meaning and caring therapists, friends, intimate partners and family members as persecutory objects. Almost as enemies. You dare to challenge the borderline's fantasy, self-justifying defenses and you become the enemy." This explains why my last relationship didn't work, he couldn't budge one inch in compromise for a healthy relationship. After we broke up he made tons of Facebook posts to continue his way of dealing with any problem - DENIAL and FANTASY. It also explains why some of my family was so messed up. A saint one minute, your enemy the next. I no longer attract narcissistic abusive energy thank goodness. This has been my therapy. Thank you Sam!
Me too! My narc parents and their Enablers forever abuse made me BPD but I saved my Self with my technology. But than I became the target of narcs and Psychos who had access to Government power and got moder genocided by them and became BPD again and it was a nightmare! I am normal now again and because Noone Psycho/Narc can come near me because I locked myself inside my house . So I got better without the Gang abuse and Im healthy again.
Exactly what you said. My ex wanted us to go the “long haul” as long as she can abuse & never resolve any conflict ever. Her way or no way. Then she discarded me when I put up boundaries ; I abandoned her she said.
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The behavior these narcs vs. borderlines sometimes leads to dangerous levels. I knew someone who pushed the narc to the brink that he almost strangled her to death. They are no longer together and he went to jail for a few years.
Her being a borderline doesn't make him a narc. I guarantee she literally drove him crazy. That's what border lines do.
“The abuse is an excuse”…..Sam Vaknin is the best for analysing this topics!!!
This is so dead on! My wife withheld sex from me and cuddling. It frustrated me to the point where I was upset and slamming doors and yelling. She made me into the abuser. I don’t condone my actions I own them. She was cheating on me the whole time. She needed a reason to justify her actions and I gave it to her. She actually blamed me for the cheating. But, that’s what coverts do they throw gas on the fire light a match and then blame you when the house burns down. My life is terrifying. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone! The splitting is unmanageable. I wake up one day to the most horrible texts the next everything is fine. I finally told her I won’t be talking about relationship on texts bc it was just so bad. Ty for the videos it really helps. 👍
@theentvortex This is so sad you have to live in terror. The thing that caused me to split was looking at our bank statements and the thousands of dollars spent on the other women.
@@velmadenton4780 Ahaha 👏👏
Guys, I really wish that I couldn't relate to this. What's terrifying is the subtleties of their manipulation. They pull you one way, then the other until they've done with you, and rip you in half.
Someone that is so obsessed with image, you've just got to look out for them. Someone who is angry they aren't an instant expert in anything they try. And they won't take critical feedback and work on themselves, just get angry about it.
Bad to be around them, it's got to be nightmare to exist like that.
In this situation right now
Sounds like hell on earth
They're children! It's bloody heartbreaking. They literally can't take criticism, advice etc I'm slowly starting to see this reality. I was married to one, have dated others....never saw before how they run from reality like a child. They're broken!
Yes!
I’m watched over 30 videos on CZcams trying to fully understand my failed marriage… and you sir., are the only person who explained it in a way I can finally understand. FYI I have BPD and my ex has NPD… it was a rollercoaster but now I’m in therapy receiving help I need
How long were you all married?
@@TakiasPeoples 12 years!! SMH toooo much drama, and now that it’s over I literally feel like myself again. there has even been a reduction in my BPD symptoms. I started to see a new therapist and she doesn’t even think I have BPD she believes I struggle with codependency…and I don’t meet the criteria of a typical borderline! SMH
@@DGray1307 what did you do with yourself that first year post divorce?
Wow that relationship would have been a good ride, al those cluster B goodies.
"Some borderlines avoid all contacts with potential intimate partners" 👏👏👏 So true. Me again, been single for almost three years, rejected few men after first coffee date, before we even meet each others. 😐 Thank you so much for this video. 👏
I don’t think my borderline has experienced abandonment anxiety in a long time because they are constantly “checked-out” of reality by being constantly high on marijuana and seem to be in a continual perpetual state of dissociation. If you try to bring them into the present or talk about something they deflect or start ranting about a completely different subject.
My ex girlfriend is BPD.
You've just explained the last 3 years of my life since I ended things with her because of her infidelity. I do not tolerate it.
She's sexually self trashed herself since then.
I found out the other day that she's now an "Escort".
Now she can benefit financially from her foolish behaviour.
Good for her.
I have relocated to another state,
Changed my phone number,
got a restraining order,
Blocked and deleted her across the board on all platforms and formats.
I had a strange experience when I first met my past narc abuser and I didn't ever dwell on it or make sense of it until many years later. We both sensed an intense attraction to one another but I didn't necessarily view him romantically.. yet. I did not know that he was insidiously love-bombing me by staring at me in a romantic "bedroom eyes" type of way. Suddenly, he seemed to have what looked like "a panic attack" out of nowhere and he ran outside. I actually witnessed things like this a few a times through out our "friendship". His voice would tremble at times, he'd avoid eye contact when he wasn't love bombing or he'd abruptly walk away after we would have vulnerable moments together (like saying we loved each other in a platonic way) From my understanding is that he was avoiding any romantic feelings that were making him feel uncomfortable. I never kissed or slept with him but we would flirt and that was about it. I now understand on a deeper level why I was emotionally abused, slowly controlled and discarded after I told him my feelings. His fear ran deep and it was actually one of the saddest things to ever witness.
I now understand on a deeper level why I was emotionally abused, slowly controlled and discarded after I told *_her_* my feelings. *_Her_* fear ran deep and it was actually one of the saddest things to ever witness.
my story is the same, expect the genders are reversed
This explains my situationship to a borderline ex to a T. In the 1st 2 months we were intimate like crazed rabbits then all of a sudden...Poof! Nothing. I admit that while trying to get back to how we once we're I did something stupid which could've cost me my freedom and I apologized to her non stop. I really felt bad about it. I had promised her that I would never lose my cool like that again, there was no excuse for what I did, she forgave me I guess, so we got back together so I thought but during the course of a few short months things just weren't right between us. I tried my hardest to get it back to how it once was but our personalities just couldn't mesh. Her hot n cold behaviors and me always trying to please her n fix her emotions or trying to make her happy became exhausting for me. So one day we got into a silent argument (silent treatment) n it got to a point where I said enough is enough, f*ck this sh* t n I grabbed some of my things n left her apartment. The last thing I saw of her was her sitting on her bed looking out of her window with tears streaming down her face. She couldn't even look at me. I said nothing as I proceeded to gather my stuff and I calmly walked out of her room, downstairs and walked out the front door and out of her life for good.. During the 4 hr trip back home I got a text from her telling me that she's really done with our relationship, that she's sorry that she couldn't love me how I wanted she guess. I agreed n told her I was sick n tired of her childish n narcissistic ways. That was before I started researching about BPD. I'm convinced she's a borderline cuz she showed 7 of the 9 traits of BPD. I definitely learned my lesson and to top it off I'm convinced that she cheated on me during our time together, I don't have any proof but my gut tells me so plus we lived 200 miles apart from each other. Silly of me to think that a LDR would ever work dating a strong possible borderline. It still hurts me because it's been 1 month since Ithe breakup but somehow I think in her head she'd already split from me way earlier. I still love her and I wish her nothing but happiness but I had to put a strong boundaries on my strong empathic traits and put my mental health 1st priority because trying to love a chic with BPD. It's beyond maddening and it will drive a man or woman insane. Smh...
Pretty much my last girl dude. It’s tough. Hang in there
Yes, spot on! I am borderline and have had a lot of therapy and in a lovely relationship, I must admit it really is tempting to self sabotage but luckily I have the right tools to recognise this, I was in a very abusive narsistic relationship before and that scares me more than being alone, you are right it is a massive disaster
This was such an eye opener for me. I definitely have some borderline traits however it’s acted out internally mostly except towards my intimate partners- they have received some of my tongue lashing. One of my ex’s called it brutal.
I tend to self isolate a lot towards the point where I thought I had agrophobia. However other times I can be very social too so it was very confusing. I had my run of narcissistic partners however last one was pretty bad. He also had some pathological tendencies and our situationship was beyond toxic. After dealing with him for few years I completely self isolated. Feel like I am coming out of a coma now. Finally was able to cut him off and been working on my healing again. Your videos have been so insightful in terms of BPD and NPD.
Thank you for the humor Sam!!!
I WATCHED HIM DO THIS.. INTENTIONALLY. STRATEGICALLY...AND GETTING GREAT JOY FROM THE NARCISSISTIC ABUSE OF ME... A WOUNDED WOMAN...HIS CONSCIOUS ATTACKS DESTROYED ME CAUSED ME TO ATTEMPT SUICIDE...THEN HE WAS ANGRY BECAUSE I LIVED...AND PUNISHED ME AGAIN. WHY?
Because you surviving meant to him that he failed. Failures are unacceptable and a personal affront to him, so he's punishing you. I'm sorry :(
Thank you Professor Vaknin.
You're on point 💯 as always.
Your book is an incredible read, thank you for all of your work.
I appreciate your levity, much needed these days. I have definitely experienced these patterns in my youth. I also have a history of several long distance relationships that spanned years. I think these were also a manifestation of my deep rooted fear of intimacy.
Thank you so so much for your videos and your work that helps me understand myself more. You’ve changed my life as I’m sure you have for many others 🙏🏻
Most interesting and clearly explained.
Thank you.
Thank you for posting so many insightful videos. They've helped me understand and heal from a recent intense short-term fling that sent my mind reeling, while also coming to terms with my own personal narcissistic tendencies and roots.
I appreciate your humor.
So, is the raging and silent treatment a form of remedying the engulfment?
With my husband I was either his "princess" and I was " the sunshine in his life" or he said out of no where, "you are a dick, and you have an evil twin", so this is splitting? It seems like come here, go away, but there is no rule book.
That intro … 😂😂😂👍 I appreciate ur humour and wisdom! U r genius!
Glad you’re discussing borderlines again. Such a treat!
Another excellent video. Job well done
After all my research of 2 yrs with you, this confirms my hunger for intimacy is real, always was, I saw these traits in my narcissist, I feared those signs, until I recognized who he was.. I've graduated cum laude.. 14 months no contact
This describes me. Thanks for the insights.
Excellent work again
This reminds me of being in a cuddle once with a boyfriend. I said " Isn't this nice? Wouldn't it be great to be sealed up like this in a bubble forever? " He said "As they were fixing the final seal; you would say to me; "What did you mean by that?" "Still makes me laugh.
Nice puncutation
This is brilliant. Thank you 🙏
Very true ... You read the reality like a master .
This is heartbreaking 💔
Professor Sam what an awesome analogy....😂 You're so funny 🤣... and truthful.
Thanks, Sam.
Thank you for this
Haha voon dah bar. I greatly enjoy every video you make. I’ve been studying borderline and narcissist relationships. Ambitious peoples relationships some figure out how to make it work and that’s what I’m trying to learn.
Mini is back!!! #intermugcy lol! I bet you have good coffee. These lectures are beyond..Best healing of my life. Thank you, Dr Vaknin.
Thank you for this insightful explanation of the narcissist/borderline relationship. It helps me to understand how a particular couple has wreaked havoc on my family circle. Unfortunately, the fallout continues as young children are involved.
I just wonder how long the narcissist/borderline relationship can last? How long can their shared fantasy continue? It seems that as long as it continues, the people who are involuntarily trapped in their sphere are being hurt. I wonder when and how it will end so others can have some sense of peace….
This is AMAZING!!
Sir you always do a great job
Wow! Amazingly spot on...
Intro so clear !
I’d love to hear more about why some narcissists are also pedophiles. Thank You! ❤️❤️❤️
true to my husband narc
Maybe it has to do with their developmental stage where their own trauma occured and where they got developmentally stuck (early childhood) ?
Most pedophiles have been sexually molested as a child. Abuse repeats through generations. Source: my psych professor worked in a correctional facility with pedophiles. She also said the ones with cluster b personality disorders(asp,narcissism, borderline) either had neglectful parenting style or very permissive.
Your videos are like free therapy
What an opening minilogue!!
I am borderline and I agree. I isolate, or self trash.,
Wow, I didn't know a thing about borderlines. As a guy, I still see some traits I could have for it. I need to journal on this and discuss it with my therapist. Ugh, this is all so weird.
Thank you so much
This professor has to have the most likeable personality ever I'm 2 minutes in.
As a young undiagnosed Borderline, I was the Type 2 you described. Now as a Borderline who was diagnosed in my 60's after two failed marriages (both husbands were narcissists who cheated, and they knew my triggers), I am more like the Type 1 you described. I have had a lot of therapy and feel I am 85% better in my Borderline symptoms. I do go out dancing with my friends and out to lunch or dinner, but I have no desire to date after many failed relationships. I wonder if I met a mentally healthy man who could love me for me, if I'd have a chance for a healthy relationship.
It’s not that hard maybe it’s you whom made them crazy?
@@richardvandervink6788 You are quiet a bully aren't you?
What exactly do you do with your free time? Stay in your mother's basement wanking to fury's porn?
Go play videogames while mommy prepares your lunch. Mother's vagina is the only one you've had contact so far.
Jesus Saves, he truly saves!
Very interesting. I´m going to watch it again.
Sam, another great job! Could you speak more to the borderline "self trashing" behavior and the activities that the partner does that is sexually abusive and egregious. Thanks!
Could you search my channel?
Excellent. 10/10
"Honey you may need help..." Stop calling me psycho you always do that to me!
All this time, I can’t come up with an answer for the self trashing behavior that I am engaging. This video just make me realize the reason why. I feel as though I am a stranger to myself, I don’t even know myself. Now that I know there is dissonance in me, when I think about how to treat/overcome this, it leads me to think about the four pillars of self love that you talked about in previous video, as well as writing journal and read it to keep remind me of reality and reduce my anxiety. Will they work? Does DBT overall help or is there any specific exercise that can tackle the dissonance and align my behavior with self image? Thank you Dr. Sam Vaknin.
Go for it. You have only one life to live.
Well, this describes the 40 years of my parents’ marriage to a “T”.
The mug methaphor is hilarious
Hello Mr. Vaknin....It finally dawned on me last week!...A epiphany or light bulb finally fluorescent, glowing after hours and hours of your dark foreboding videos....I need a Mini Mouse Coffee mug! Low and behold Ebay had just the one. My newly purchased Mini is Red with Poka Dots and on the back it reads "It's all about me"....Can you imagine?.....No other Mini coffee could suffice as we saw each other's eyes on the computer screen. I internalized her and "our" created world is sipping coffee and sharing together your thoughts and ideas.....
Wow!
Where can I purchase this professors book? Thanks Sam
Can BPD be genetic? I know I’m on the spectrum, I’m the one that doesn’t leave the house. But I thought I developed this was from having a father that was NPD but I noticed my half sister has the same symptoms as me but she is “trashing”. I suspect my mother had BPD as well.
Yes, genetic causes but also you learnt this behaviour by observing her. Psychoanalytic point of view is that your mother (and father's) abuse of you and you sister has led to primitive defence of borderline
You have an interesting relationship with your coffee cup.
Loooove you
Wow…
Just looking for validation. Haha
I have been minnie before 😔
Minie 😂❤
Is it recommended or not recommended to post this on a side social media for the borderline or narcissist to view? As much as I love her, I feel like this will be ongoing and I’m wondering if this would be a good way to say stay away in a small comment next to posting a couple of videos that expose what I’m trying to avoid at all costs? What is your recommendation professor? Excellent work, and such a sad topic and experience. It was worse than losing someone in deaths in many ways. Because she was able to cry with me very often when she was experiencing the love the more she felt my love the more she would cry I’m not sure if it was from guilt from cheating behind my back ,Or if it was from finally feeling loved and the deepest intimacy she ever had. She would often say I’m not normally crying like this when she would talk to me and she would end up opening up regarding her trauma. Is there any hope if they were showing showing more and more intimacy? The problem is is that soon after she ran into many relationships after what she thought was what she was experiencing is abandonment when I was not even close to doing so. I was just correcting her on a matter for growth purposes. I can really use the help, when I confronted her once about that I believe that she is borderline or a narcissist I said that I don’t believe that you are completely one but that you were trained by your environment since their parents were narcissist and abandon them and did not love them. She did not deny it but did try to deflect and say that I may be suffering from the same things. But I know I don’t have this, it’s more out of defense mechanisms as you have stated that appear to be narcissistic tendencies when I become guarded From the abuse. I am an empath, but very guarded and very defensive under these repeating patterns, Is there any hope? I don’t think that I can live a life with this consistently happening always being dumped every other month. Thank you for your help and your good work!
Can you specify your questions more please and how many time s has she cheated and how many times she broke up with you
MG gf is BPD too
I can see you are feeling quite humourous and punny today Dr.
Poor Minnie❤
Lucky Minnie!
Can NPD and BPD make their relationship healthy? or end it for their own good?
Search the BPD and the shared fantasy playlists.
In the event the borderline does end the relationship to avoid the abandonment, does she ever return to that same intimate partner or is she gone forever?
Watch the BPD playlist.
I normally pick solution 1 lol 😹😢
unless your an artist
I am not smart enough to watch this, but i qualify as a patient...
lol, Minnie…
Interesting.
A guy i am in a situationship with purposely does not pleasure me.yet i pleasure him.
What is that all about.
Ouch. This is way too close to home. I’ve been so stuck in isolation and my relationship with my spouse is beyond dysfunctional. His ex took him back to court after 12 years and 350 k and got 70% of his salary for 4 more years. We will be 68 and totally in debt because of some contract he got manipulated into signing for his covert narc bitch of an ex. He is borderline and was born with no balls or backbone. Sorry honey forgot to pay taxes. I owe 100k to the.IRS. I have friends that will get a divorce over being $500 overdrawn
I just hide and drink. I was once so exciting and successful. Empty- but exciting and we’ll off. This is not good…..25 years of therapy and no one noticed I. Was Cluster B?!
Why only a woman?
When Prof Sam Vaknin says “he” or “she” it’s interchangeable. There are male and female borderlines and narcissists