Cheating, Triangulation in Sick Relationships: Power Play, Revenge, Entitlement
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- čas přidán 24. 11. 2022
- Some people stray and have sex with others in order to preserve and persevere in a long-term obsessed and abusive relationship.
Extradyadic sex in such couples (in the wake of drinking or substance abuse) serves to exact revenge on the partner, restore a power symmetry within the couple, cater to unmet emotional or sexual needs, and affirm an internalized bad object (the disparaging partner’s point of view).
Such promiscuous, unboundaried, and sexually self-trashing behavior typically follows a period of loyal faithfulness met with traumatizing rejection and abandonment by the partner.
Whenever offered intimacy by the external instrumentalized and objectified sex partners (an invitation to stay longer or sleep over or meet again), the cheater reacts aggressively, recoils, and hurries back to her primary partner to reaffirm their dysfunctional bond.
Such a relationship dynamic is conducive to an inversion of traditional stereotypical gender roles: women become sexually predatory and men react with dysregulation. This is especially the case when both have daddy or mommy issues.
Narcissists cheat on their spouses, commit adultery and have extramarital affairs and liaisons for a variety of reasons which reflect disparate psychodynamic processes:
1. In the quest for narcissistic supply, the somatic narcissist resorts to serial sexual conquests.
2. Narcissists are easily bored (they have a low boredom threshold) and they have a low tolerance for boredom. Sexual dalliances alleviate this nagging and frustrating ennui. The quest for novelty, diversions, and thrills - a vacation from his own life - is combined with a journey of self-exploration and discovery that involves “filling in the gaps” in the narcissist’s biography: a missed adolescence, an old flame, a new aspect of his personality.
3. Narcissists maintain an island and focus of stability in their life, but all the other dimensions of their existence are chaotic, unstable, and unpredictable. This "twister" formation serves many emotional needs which I expound upon elsewhere. Thus, a narcissist may be a model employee and pursue a career path over decades even as he cheats on his wife and fritters their savings away.
4. Narcissists feel superior and important and so entitled to be above the law and to engage in behaviors that are frowned upon and considered socially unacceptable in others. They reject and vehemently resent all limitations and conditions placed upon them by their partners. They act on their impulses and desires unencumbered by social conventions and strictures.
5. Marriage, monogamy, and child-bearing and rearing are common activities that characterize the average person. The narcissist feels robbed of his uniqueness by these pursuits and coerced into the relationship and into roles - such as a husband and a father - that reduce him to the lowest of common denominators. This narcissistic injury leads him to rebel and reassert his superiority and specialness by maintaining extramarital affairs.
6. Narcissists are control freaks. Having a relationship implies a give-and-take and a train of compromises which the narcissist acutely interprets to mean a loss of control over his life. To reassert control, the narcissist initiates other relationships in which he dictates the terms of engagement (love affairs).
7. Narcissists are terrified of intimacy. Their behavior is best characterized as an approach-avoidance repetition compulsion. Adultery is an excellent tool in the attempt to retard intimacy and resort to a less threatening mode of interaction.
There are two types of triangulation (using a third party to manage the emotional, intimacy, and transactional aspects of a relationship): breakup and restorative.
Breakup triangulation involves overt and ostentatious cheating with a third party in conjunction with other egregious misbehavior. Its aim is to irrevocably break up with a current partner.
Why triangulate rather than simply terminate? A myriad reasons: revenge, rage, community property, inability to let go (codependency), restoring the cheater's self-esteem, feeling desirable and alive again, obtaining succor and ersatz intimacy, or uncertainty about one's true wishes.
But usually, it is simply the desire to cast one's mate as the villain who ended it all because of he is insanely jealous and not magnanimous or empathic enough to forgive and understand.
Restorative triangulation has the exact opposite goal: to revive the relationship by provoking an emotional response from the jilted partner. Such triangulation involves the mere favorable mention of another person, hints at possible misconduct or compromising circumstances, or, at a maximum, aggressive flirting and non-penetrative sex acts, such as kissing, petting (making out), or hugging.
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It’s tricky, boring, and depressing at times, to always be alone, but it’s so much less chaotic than living with a damaged person who has no ability, awareness or interest in personal growth, because they are already sure they have all the answers, or at last need to convince you they do.
My ex narc was securing a new replacement, texting her incessantly while he left my messages on read. It was his colleague who was nerdy, such a bore, and super unattractive according to him and suddenly she became his best friend. He even started watching anime which he hated, well, apparently she liked it. I put up with his increasing silent treatments, disregard, neglect, gaslighting, rage. But I would not put up with infidelity. He underestimated my patience. He told me I imagined things and I'm delusional, his messages were just a joke . In his messages he stated he was lonely and did not have a family...... He said I was so jealous and needy and he needed a divorce. One week later he was shocked I moved flats with our little son and didn't come begging him for forgiveness like I always did. And of course he tried to hoover me back in. I'm so happy he's out of my life
🎩💫👌🏻
I've went through a very similar story
Good for you!! Well done.
I'm so happy for you 🤗
I find that everything that my x describes me as, is exactly who and what he’s doing. Like he’s looking in a mirror and identifying himself. It’s so bizarre. 18yrs of marriage to this man, and I forgave him over and over. He actually called me a narcissist and I’ve never mentioned the word to him, and self awareness is the last interest he has, so someone else must have nailed what he is too. They underestimate our power in having a choice to be with them, and choosing not to. They think we HAVE to be with them. It was always our choice and now we choose NOT!🎉
People in such relationships: PLEASE DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN! Otherwise, you will transmit your sick dynamics to your children and the toxic cycle will continue. It is HELL to grow up in such dynamics
You know the narcissist doesn’t care about anything but careless pursuit of whims. 😂
If your really trying to reach such people I don't think this comment section has much reach or engagement.
@jinakurd2010 OMG, very sorry for this, I can only imagine what you went through emotionally and may be physically. I noticed people in general rarely think what they bring a child into. They tend to think with reptilian brain.
So why did she keep having kids if she hated them? Usually, after 1, max 2 one understands they made a "mistake". But 13. What was her reasoning? Or no logical explanation was given? May be with 13 kids one can get more financial future benefits and support in old age, may be thats the reasoning?
@@benjamincaddle2018 I agree, usually it's too late. People start thinking and finally working on themselves when rock bottom was hit and it happens later in life
@@ct00001 I am of those kids too and it was freaking burning hell to live daily in this sh*t. It is not fair for us kids to work it through. Spend time and money on therapists, searching for answers, "doing the work", reading books on how to make it through in life. Why should WE put on big boy or big girl pants? I want to enjoy life but i cant. This sick dynamics which was daily in my household, this mayhem: verbal and physical abuse, cheating - all what Sam is talking about, made me stutter, I cant even talk normally since 10 y.o. I turned into a 40 y.o spinster, afraid of any emotional intimacy. Thats freaking sad for me personally
This is why healing is essential. Once you're healed, you will spot deceptive behavior and understand better why they did the way they did and not allow anybody to manipulate you again. When you're unhealed, you tend to keep attracting these type of ppl and the toxic cycle never end then you will become the toxic one like them. They will eat your soul..
This explains so much from my relationship. He cheated, I caught him. He said he felt unloved. I just couldn't forgive. He turned to pornography, I caught him. I said I need off this rollercoaster. He was diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar 2. I'm no contact right now. I'm grieving daily, hourly for a relationship that never really existed. Just a shared fantasy of what I DID want. 14 years wasted.
Grievance common 14years I too spent years
My ex husband, of 20 yrs, as the non relationship was at its end, told me this (about "girls" he was online gaming/cheating with)
"These girls on my game are helping me fix things with you, in our marriage".
The divorce was final March 2022.
I was used as the triangulation “side partner”, believing what the narcissist said about the relationship being over. I watched them hurt each other over and over, using their own children as weapons and they needed ME, my energy to attack each other. I married the narc and got pregnant, only for
Him to immediately poke my traumas and manipulate and disregard my needs so that he would have a reason to go create a life separately where he could have daily contact with the primary relationship of misery. He went back and forth many times, simply disappearing arrogantly to go back and live with her, using their own children as the reason. He wanted to create the same thing with me that he had with her then force me into endless triangulation. I filed for divorce and I am free. He is making horrible legal claims about me and slandering me. It is a future I cannot choose for myself. Those wounds are all consuming. Wishing them freedom from such energies.
I was the other woman and I never knew. She knew about me, but he would tell her he had broke it off when he hadn't, that I never mattered like she did, that we never did anything sexual when we did. It's fascinating, impressive, and outright debilitating to know I was a prop and everything I experienced was a lie. The one good thing that came from this was that I made a good friend in her, even if it's out of a trauma bond.
Sending you lots of love. Glad you are out.
I was triangulated by a borderline who carried on a short relationship with me while going back to her primary partner. She later did the same with a third guy while discarding me. This video has helped me understand the nature of her actions so much more clearly. Thank you.
Sorry, I can listen no longer, it makes me feel sick to my stomach, because I know this is so real, so true.
Thanks for educating us Dr S. V..
Excellent analysis. Nothing more to add.
You’re exactly describing my narcissist partner. Luckily I discovered the unhealthy pattern and after six months after having ended the relationship and going no contact, I can finally feel relief.
Cheating was the least of her abuses against me. Her brutal psychological violence, physical violence, and annihilation of my once happy life through sabatage, financial abuse, half truths triangulation, stalking, isolation, and outright lies only makes me realize nothing about her was ever true. Her cheating became relegated to the level of a parking violation at a mass shooting. I simply stopped caring after I caught her red handed but still refused to admit it. I even gave up caring and simply gave her permission to do it, which of course led to more of her screaming accusing me of wanting to cheat.
Daaaannnnnng
My situation exactly. You are not alone. My once happy life will forever be painful because I married and had kids with this person. While I'm now divorced, I still have to deal w it all. It's like a bad gaping wound that will never go away and i have to deal w regularly. Sucks.
This is definitely one of the best and most detailed breakdowns of this situation on narcissism I’ve ever witnessed thank you
This is LITERALLY my dynamic with my husband. This is so helpful to me! Thank you!
They are everywhere. Leave & escape, before they do it to you- unwanted they will do their best to destroy you.
After 34 years of marriage I've just discovered that my husband is this monster. Explained so well here.
35 years for me!
🤣 you are so 100% Sam on all you speak!
My narcissistic spouse of 35yrs told everyone he was super human.
At 58 yrs of age my ex broke one of his on-going silence sessions by declaring he had finally forgiven his (deceased) mother for leaving him after his birth at the hospital....he was placed in a humidity crib for a week post birthing delivery.
My mirroring of his silent behaviour got too much for my spouse in the end- my spouse planned an unannounced disappearing act!
Whoa, these narcissists are a lot of work - reconsider your mission is my advice. You can not fix them.
Are you still with your spouse? I’ve ended my 18yr marriage to mine and it’s been hell. He’s an addict, so on top of his rage and delusions, you add crack, sleep deprivation and his obsession that I cheat, which is not who I am, he’s increasingly delusional, hallucinating, stalking, and flat out dangerous. I’m just wondering if your experience of leaving, at our age, has been like mine. I’m 53 and it seems to be more of a disaster when they think they “gave their prime” years to us, and we left them. Yet, they left, or actually never showed up at all🤷🏼♀️
After discarding me he sent me an email with a photo of a waterfront restaurant saying ‘ I never want to sit here without you opposite me’ originally I thought he was trying to say he was alone and missing me but then noticed a champagne glass on the table as well as a wine glass , so he was literally sending me a photo of his date that he went on immediately after a break up that he initiated where he blocked me from all social media like he’s done pretty much on a weekly basis
Break up triangulation- that's what happened to me! Exactly! 😮
Ouch! it really hit too close to home… thank you, Sam, for sharing your wisdom. ❤
You are so pretty.
Can I take you to dinner?
Play it again Sam ! Here's looking at you kid ( Casablanca) ❤👍 Thank you for putting words and knowledge on all this pain
I have literally witnessed this type of relationship in my 2 cats. They are so toxic.
😂
Exactly what I’m going through again! I wish it was easy to get out after 20 yrs. Thanks for the video.
I want a Professor Sam Vaknin coffee mug now!
Get the merch going Prof. Vaknin !!!😃
I want one too!
Wow! What a twisted sad truth!!live and learn!!
Sam is like a fine wine....
I liken cheating,to the swift descent of the guillotine blade. Irreversible severing of the relationship .
As always...SO AMAZING, Prof. Vaknin! Thank you!
The narc in my life is a Noble Narcissist. This makes so much sense. I found out a week ago that he had yet another long affair. He bought a house 2 hours from here and leads a completely different life where he talks so much crap about me and victimizes himself to make women feel sorry for him and want to give him the love they think I neglected him of. He played the same card with me when we met. Difference here is that when I try to leave, he will lure me back in with manipulations. Looking nearly suicidal, saying he doesn't deserve me, that I'm the only woman who has never abandoned him, that he is filled with shame. And me being the empathetic person that I am, I always cave back in. The punishment is very prevalent here. When my sister passed away he wasn't by my side even one day, one hour, one second. When I expressed with anger and tears that he wasn't there for me. He punished me by ghosting me. Blocked me on every single source of communication. I went on to plan my sister's services alone, grieving not just her death but also his abandonment. When he reached out to me weeks later he said I deserved it because of an argument we had two weeks prior to when my sister died, over his infidelity and neglect, where I told him he didn't deserve a child because he would raise him to be just like him and it was unfair to the child.
When I found out about his last infidelity I also learned about him cheating during the time he ghosted me.. when I needed him most. He was reaching out to every "option" with offers to buy them food and being sexually thirsty.. even people he did work for (married women) he was hitting on for ever. When I brought it up to his attention he called me a liar and said he needed to see screenshots to believe me? To see his own actions? But now I know that he asks for screenshots to see exactly what I know so he doesn't disclose more about his betrayals than what I know. But, he clings on to me. He tells me in the most horrible ways to get out of his life when his hoes find me and tell me what he's been up to.. says I'm the weakest person in his life and he has outgrown me and there's no place for me. I sent him a letter and when I told him I finally get it and it's my goodbye. He showed up at my house the following morning with his tail between his legs. Why keep me hanging off a thread if he doesn't even want me is what I don't get. It's been almost 7 years of these betrayals and neglect. I'm a mere shell of who I was and I feel completely lost now. Idk what to do anymore.
"Idk what to do anymore."
You know exactly what to do though. This man ghosted you when your sister died, treats you like you're nothing, and only gets away with it because you won't tell him to f*ck off. This is who he is; this is the kind of pathetic behavior your children will see and potentially model, and if you stay with someone like him, he will annihilate the person you are only to complain about how dull and different you've become from all the abuse. You know what you SHOULD do, the question is: can you muster enough strength, self-respect and righteous indignation to do it? It's hard to stick up for yourself if you've been conditioned to see that as cruel, but that's the only way you will ever get rid of shitty people who are taking advantage of you.
"When he reached out to me weeks later he said I deserved it because of an argument we had two weeks prior to when my sister died, over his infidelity and neglect, where I told him he didn't deserve a child because he would raise him to be just like him and it was unfair to the child."
He sounds like a real prize. I hope you ask yourself why you are willing to forgive and stay with this kind of person. I'm telling you this because I come from an abusive background and was attracted to the same kind of partners. These types of people will destroy you then call you pathetic for not having fought back. To him, your empathy and ability to forgive is synonymous with being weak. All the love you're able to give is wasted on a spoiled psychopathic child who will never be satisfied regardless of how much you sacrifice for him, mother him, try to fix his past traumas, etc.. If you want a life worth living, it's up to you to stop him from destroying it by setting boundaries. Your life depends on you acquiring this ability.
Run don’t walk and never look back they never ever change speaking from experience.
He only wanted you back so he doesn’t have to pay child support. It’s sad
Yo you healed me so quick
Keep leaving comments like this and he might stop making em 🤣
Professor Vaknin, thank you.
You're awesome Prof Vaknin 👍 thanks for all you do 😊
But WHEN are you a primary partner cuz they always start a relationship with the cheating relationship so who is the primary partner if this cycle keeps happening. Old partner narc cheat with new partner new partner become old partner narc cheats with a newer partner newer partner becomes old partner ETC!
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Stalin! It makes me not want to interact with anybody. What's lurking inside the person standing in front of me?
You nailed it Sam!
Great explanation.
You. Are. Brilliant.
Omg this is what I was through.
SICK PARTNERSHIP.
Frida Kahlo & Diego Rivera
Thank you.
Yup, i'm starting to believe the guy my ex left me for was introduced just to ""repair"" our relationship. I think she wanted to recreate the honeymoon phase. Right now i am in no contact, but 'till a few days ago i begged and pleaded...i'm pretty sure that if i start to behave like i did when we first met, she would drop the new dude and come back to me in no time.
Sam has answered many questions on behalf of my recent bpd breakup as I went no contact after connecting the dots, watched Sam videos and many things he explained in alphabet way.
Prof. Vaknin-hope for healing from growing up in this type of home?
Thks Sam u get this
hey Sam hope ya real good Christmas ...
Professor Vaknin you just described my relationship with my BPD wife of 11 years to a tee!? Absolutely insane!?
The question IS NOW, how do we come back together if she is not communicating with me directly?
Advice? So very accurate Sir!
@jinakurd2010 yes I love her
Leave her alone. Work on yourself. Heal. Respect her wishes for no contact. Stop being obsessive, entitled & self-involved & calling it love.
I’m not insulting you, you are just not paying attention to what Prof. Vaknin is saying. You came here to find tools to manipulate her back into your service. Choose & heal yourself.
@@YouAreBeautifulINSIDE Leave her alone. Work on yourself. Heal. Respect her wishes for no contact. Stop being obsessive, entitled & self-involved & calling it love.
I’m not insulting you, you are just not paying attention to what Prof. Vaknin is saying. You came here to find tools to manipulate her back into your service. Choose & heal yourself not more self harm.
@jinakurd2010 the side-eye I just gave him. 😂😂
The rhetorical question is, why would you come back together, given this description? Your company name, love and pain design, is telling.
Ever hear the saying: “you don’t get to chose who you fall in love with?”
That’s really the best way to describe my situation. I’ve seen so far into the depths of this woman I love that I cannot somehow just undo the bond that has formed.
Whether others can understand that dynamic is really not relevant, sometimes we just want what we want, Simple as that.
I have given her all the space she could ever want, when her inner childhood is ready to be dealt with I will be here for her, that’s not obsessive it’s dedication to showing another how much they care for them. I love her and I make no apologies for this…
Does this theory apply when your partner is cheating but always denies it when asked about it? In addition to denial, I was also mocked and told I was misreading into the text message I found when I accused him of cheating. I never cheated on him btw!
You know in your heart when someone is cheating. There will be times when their attention is not on you because it is on someone else. They will try to distract you into thinking the absence of their attention has legitimate reasons.
I put up with this behaviour for about 18 months. Text messages that were made out to be me having a problem and denial of anything I had noticed that would lead to me understanding he was cheating or looking to cheat. The final moment was when he stole a girls number from my phone and proceeded to sleep with her and she decided to tell me. Even this I didn’t want to believe, but finally he admitted it.
The damage it does to stay in a relationship like this was so bad for me. I’ve never had anxiety, but now I find anxiety comes to me. I felt so betrayed and so uncertain about how to get truth from people anymore.
This was nearly two years ago and today I rarely get anxiety and have the pleasure of a peaceful relationship where I don’t get any feelings of distrust or secretive behaviour.
@@amarisrania1585 thank you. 💕
Same here. Was loyal to the end. And that’s about our character, and worth, bcus we no they have none. I left mine after 18yrs of marriage. I’ve been stalked, threatened with death, love bombed, hovered and somehow, I still wasn’t willing to see it for what it was, a game to him. He’s an addict on top of it all, so when he’s high, he’s seeing things, that to him, confirm I cheat. It was so easy to make excuses and blame the drug use, thinking it would be different if he stopped using. I gave myself a legitimate excuse to just hang onto hope. Such a waiste of many years of time. But the knowledge I’ve gained during this journey, has become priceless. I sold my wedding ring yesterday and that was me letting go of all his bullshit, and it is all his, not mine to carry around for him. We all get thru this in our own time. So being kind and forgiving to ourselves, frees us to move along, and so does selling that wedding ring💯
I was a prop, I’m literally sick and have been for weeks. He said she was his “sister” in reality they were an unethically non-monogamous couple lying to everyone.
Don't fall for the sister/cousin trick. Especially if they are foreigners. It's a classic.
you mean this is a whole thing some people do ???
Yes very common
Sam, can you please explain what the following is. The narc in my life seems to take away every first from me. Her wedding, birth of two babies, all school activities for her and both children. Going to the movies, swimming, etc, as soon as she finds out I enjoyed myself, the event was stopped all together. Hopefully you can answer this for me.
By experience , I believe that anything that can make you feel happy disappoints them and makes them UNHAPPY.....
You can never let them know you enjoyed ANYTHING, or it will be sabotaged.
the family pictures are cartoons .... ... .. . awesome
8:10 - interesting
Everybody on social media saying Elon Musk also a narcissist or sociopath but i don't think so. Please give your valuable thoughts on this. Thank you sir. I love you. 🤗🤗🤗
czcams.com/video/2V8BGYGJvso/video.html
Makes you wonder if narcissist even cares ir a murder happened from all this..
Narcs external instrument was unbalanced and came after me. Suffice to say I ended the engagement and left.
Does flirting count as cheating ?
I personally wouldn't tolerate it. It's hurtful, disrespectful and a form of emotional cheating in my opinion. I don't know man, people might think it's extreme, but an aspect of being in an intimate relationship is that there are things that are exclusive to you. Moreover, why get in a relationship if it doesn't make you feel special? I at least wouldn't. It's not fun or romantic when everyone and their dog is being treated the same, or even if it's just one other person. It's not enough to just say I choose you, or that I obviously choose you because we're in a relationship. Nah, you can sit next to someone while they're texting someone else- which means their attention doesn't belong to you. You can share a room and house with someone, but be fucking someone else during the day. There needs to be a little more evidence that you've been chosen just as much as they have been. And whether your person flirts or not is one indicator.
It's a bad symptom
Wow , west is doomed... People are literally dancing around this question because bunch of morons normalised it to the level that u don't even understand the basic exclusivity of relationship.
Of course flirting is cheating wtf is wrong with u guys ????? 🤢 Intimacy exclusivity is the baseline of relationship... Meaning of flirting is very clear if u don't know, please use Google... Entertaining other people while u r in commited relationship is cheating... I don't give a F about these weirdos who thinks " it's not that big " bro these people need therapy
YES!!!
Yes
Poaching from husband!?!? Yes yes indeed this was very apparent in my case and I also suspect sexual assault taking place as well…
How can I make my wife feel safe with ME again??? I’m so sorry for ever exploiting her in such ways myself
how many of these did you write? you broke her trust. you betrayed her. you abused her. you aren’t trying to get her back, you are trying to prove you are lovable/worth saving. if you listened to prof vaknin your cheating was also self destructive.
you need therapy not another opportunity to abuse her & abuse yourself in the most cowardly way possible. you don’t care about her.
I am not the abuser I am not a cheater I never cheated what are talking about even??? You’re way off base
read what you wrote
Gaslight haha noice! Move on pal
Given your description of cheating and triangulation, can I conclude that monkey-branching is not sick?