A Narcissist's Dirty Tactic Of Triangulation
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- čas přidán 2. 07. 2023
- Narcissists want to build themselves up at your expense, and they are willing to use dirty tricks to accomplish this goal. Dr Les Carter describes one of their favorite ploys, triangulation. Your task is to recognize this tactic and maintain your integrity so you won't be sullied by their games.
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Before I knew the word “triangulation” in regards to them, I instinctively knew that narcissists always need an ally and an enemy to function. I just didn’t understand why. Now I do. They don’t want peace, despite always claiming that’s what they want more than anything. The truth is, they want constant strife. They are warmongers who need allies and enemies to help them in their pursuit of eternal chaos. The carnage that ensues is what brings them the most pleasure in life. They will pit everyone against each other and somehow come out looking like both hero and victim at the same time. It’s actually quite impressive how they pull it off again and again and again and…
Very well explained 👏👏👏
This is literally it in a nutshell. Its always a ticking time-bomb, waiting for the next nonsensical “crisis” they have. CHAOS 🙉
My ex stepfather was like this!
I am stuck in such triangulation situation for 8 years...recently I have decided to walk away...but still It feels like I am doing wrong as they portray this way like they don't remember what they did
Great Comment 🙏When healing from emotional abuse or verbal abuse, I always remind myself these emotional vampires can be what is called "Crazy Makers"
When triangulation turns others against you and you're shunned then this is "collective bullying" or "mobbing" .... I dealt with this type of bullying from my in-laws; specifically, my mother-in-law and 4 sisters-in-law. It's incredibly painful to be treated this way and damages your mental health. I'm currently working with a therapist who's helping me break free from this type of abuse.
I hope others can opt for no contact with narcs . Only option. Would you choose to interact with psychopaths, and they are , instead of breaking free from the evil and destruction they inflict . Block them, phone, internet, social media. Years of $$$ therapy will result in " avoid toxic people " .
I've been dealing with triangulation in my own community. People talking about me behind my back. Don't know for sure what is being said about me but I can tell it's all negative. I go the grocery store and people stop in the parking lot or the store and get their phone out, look directly at me and then text something to someone or some people. Is this cyber bullying? Wow! I am good at establishing connections with various people and know how to communicate from the heart. I'm not interested in manipulating people for any reason....Man, this is one of the strangest things I have ever dealt with! I keep hoping someone will find the courage to approach me and say "Heh, so and so is saying such and such about you...is this true?" So far....nothing. I'm grateful for Dr Carter offering all these insights into narcissists and their games and appreciate any comments from others in this group! Peace be with you all and happy 4th of July! 🎉🎊🎆🎇🧨
@@user-df9sq4qt3b next week they will triangulate a different victim, that's the mob mentality.
@@user-df9sq4qt3b I would ask a neighbor, clergy , friend , or doctor what the problem might be. Maybe you are dressing inappropriately , have body odor, or perhaps your property is am eye sore. Young people, especially young men can be very honest about these type of things. Just ask them about what you've noticed. I don't believe your whole town is full of narcissists. Maybe you're a little paranoid. Whatever it is I'm sure it's an easy fix. Good luck !
Yes, triangulation means gang aggression
My mantra to protect my peace and guard my heart…
“I know the truth, and God knows the truth”
This has been mine as well!!! It’s so hard and sounds crazy to explain to others what I’ve been through. God knows my heart, the truth, and what went on in my home. That’s all that really matters in the end.
OMG, say the same thing!! Me & God knows the truth... the real truth! (As I remind myself that I still do too!) 💯 Keep ur faith. U have chosen yourself finally & that is okay! I never knew that before & I'm 48!!
This is so helpful. Thank you.
I have come to this truth ad well. God always knows the truth. Knowing this, it gives me peace. I pray for all who have experienced this in their lives. God knows the TRUTH!❤️🙏
Yes, works for me too - instant peace of mind.
Triangulation is the preferred tool in my narc family system. It's sad to see people gossiping, slandering, and spreading false information instead of focusing on building healthy relationships!
Amen.
Your mother and I are in our 70s. We won’t be around forever. We want what’s best for you. Your sisters think your mom is not doing well at all right now. Your boundary request absolutely devastated your mom.
Mine too.
The duplicity used to gang up to win. Winning means everything to a narcissist.
You get it, Aaron
@@kishup1995 That is a HUGE breakthrough, and congrats. Even a little closure is worth celebrating.
It is so difficult to just want to play the game that is Life when some want to win, then flip the board in your face and laugh. I am grateful for this comment section and people who know.
@@alyssaleatham8544 A lot of good people here, willing to play this game called life. People who won’t cheat. Who actually celebrate when you do well. Glad to have you at the table.
🎯
And one would think that more people could look back in time and see the chameleon narc as the only person on every "winning" team
What is really sad is how many individuals fall for the lies even when they know you. Nefarious is certainly the word that describes this scenario.
Hi Susan! I think maybe sometimes some are aware of and maybe even inwardly question the narcissist's bad-mouthing but they are afraid of becoming the next target, or losing the approval of the powerful narc, if they don't go along with, or appear to go along with, the bs. Then there are the others who really do fall for the lies, like you said, and it really is sad.
Sometimes it’s not even that the person falls for it but they gain from taking sides w the narcissist. That type of person is just as bad as the narc because they know this person might be a good person and disregard facts n go with the narc anyways. Basically because it allows them to maintain their position above whoever is being attacked. It’s a completely toxic situation where 2 assholes beat up on a completely innocent person because they get a charge from it. Drinking up that bad juju but karmas a bitch 😁
There are different instances, I have experienced, the in laws felt if I had stayed with him he would not have died from diabetes since I was a nurse, alcohol had nothing to do with it. Later, as a ministry, I was asked to work with a death row inmate, when I needed help I was told he was a saint and if there was any negative to say, I was evil. Then later in life it involved my workplace where no one speaks up for fear of losing their job. Certainly is rampant isn't it. Thank you for your replies.
Sometimes - perhaps always - it is subversive and calculated and insidious- until the day you realize what you are dealing with.
@@Geep1778...Both these 1st 2 replies to original comment should sound familiar to anyone in US watching news over past 7yrs. NOT TRYING to be political here, just cannot help but note these comments are something I've seen & heard (still are) so often, since it defines 1 political party & its leaders to a "T".
Led by the epitome of a Malignant Narcissist in every sense of the word... all those in his orbit live in fear of upsetting "Dear Leader" ~ knowing all too well that his attacks are vicious & relentless, w/o boundaries ~ truth & facts matter not! Malignant Narcissists are so EXTREME! They are the ultimate BULLY, who destroys people & things if he can't have them. Power makes them deadly dangerous!
I was so shocked when I dicovered my narc mother was saying horrible things about me. Now I know this is called triangulation. Believe it or not, these individuals even tiangulate their own children.
Yes. My narc mom turned my own father and brother against me. It’s absolutely disgusting.
I so hear you🧡🧡🧡
Yup! Parents triangulated with me. So damaging to my future family.
But Mom and Dad lament that I could “never make it in life partnerships”.
Absolutely! My narc mom turned everyone against me, even my own children! They have now become what they used to hate themselves! Against me! SMH 💔
@@coldfact. So sad and unfair. My mother also turned me against my father when I was a teenager. They divorced, I went no contact. He was a narc too so I do not regret cutting off for my mental health. I hope your chidren will understand one day, it must be so hard for you.
I was raised by a covert narcissist and pathological liar.
My mom and the rest of my “family” are emotionally dangerous.
My scars are deep.
I’ve cut them off for my own protection!!!
Emotionally dangerous... yes I resonate with that... sometimes it's so challenging to describe ones upbringing and family.
Sending you love and hugs and blessings
Yahweh shalom
Congratulations to u & hope u find ur peace! I have cut off one & now come to a place where I believe my children are next. It is so hard for me! Esp bcuz I had such a hard life & used to think my kids were my all. Not. 😢
When people talk about you to make others your enemy, they're narcissists.
True
I had a stroke, now I'm the laughing stock of her family since I can't do ANYTHING right.
They are exhausting and irratating to deal with. It's best to get off their crazy train before they drive you crazy.
Narcissists love to play -
the triangle.
Not as a musician.
But as a director.
Behind the scenes.
Composing drama - of the finest conart.
Well said.
Yup
Lol
This happens to the family scapegoat from an early age.
Yes I recognise this as I was made the family scapegoat, triangulation happens regularly, glad you brought it up , thanks
@@juliechambers7622 ❤
Many here are it have been scapegoats
Few can poison wells like the malignant narcissist.
Indeed
Or the covert one. By the time u realize what's going on, a lot of time things are already completely ruined in ur life!
The Doctor here advises “rise above “. That’s the only way to go. Narcs love drama and chaos and it they aren’t getting what they want they are counting on a blow up for you to look like a jerk. Then they will pull their tricks while you are distracted
This is just what toxic siblings and parents do...in the name of God please rebuke all evil 😈 in families and heal all victims..Amen 🙏
Amen
RUN FROM THESE PEOPLE & DON’T LOOK BACK!
You know that you're a victim of triangulation when people who don't even know you look at you with contempt and stay distant from you. This is what my narcissist son did to me. My son was dating three women at once. I thought that he was serious about this one girl whom he was seeing exclusively until surprise, I was informed that he had gotten this other girl pregnant. So he broke it off with the one woman who was crushed and went with the other girl. The other one left him too. This pregnant girl and her family "loved" him but had this attitude about me that was cold and distant. I remember going to the baby shower and feeling like a fish out of water. Three years and two children later, she dumped him. I had very low contact with them. Long story short, the chaos, fighting, scapegoating, and drama ultimately led to me into going hard core no contact with my son and all associated with him including my grandchildren because the kids were used as a weapon to manipulate me into his "control." Any little infraction (real or imagined) turned into "you're not allowed to see your grandchildren anymore." I blocked all of them from my phone and social media.
I have tried every other solution and failed. I'm not going to take the blame for all of my son's problem. There's a boundary in place and whatever he does or says is none of my business. His victims can figure it out for themselves. You cannot warn potential victims because they won't believe you. They have to see it for themselves.
It's called life...
Angela, I am going through this with my daughter. It is hard. Blocking my daughter and all her flying monkeys.
@@shahadah1451 Nothing you can do about it except accept it. You know how you know it's them and not you? It's when all of the craziness and fighting stops after you go no contact. I have no problems with anyone in my life except for people who are associated with my son.
You're right. Everyone has to figure it out for themselves. When people are enablers (because they don't get it and are hypnotised by the narcissist's superficial charms), they are not-safe or half-safe relationships. It makes us feel alone even in the middle of others... No real connection is then possible which limits relationships sometimes to the point of extinction.
@genevievebelanger903 That's right. Everyone associated with the narcissist is infected with their toxic poison. My younger son is very low contact with my narcissist older son. My older son tries to pump him for information. I told him, don't tell him anything and don't get involved. The point is if any of the poison trickles down, it will infect us and then we're right back where we started sucked into narcissist madness.
So sad and unfair to the grandkids and you.
My sister the narcissist does this. I feel like she has ruined the family
Non Stop= The Most Toxic, This was their only strategy to maybe get me peeeved off. Anyone who triangulates another person- is not your friend. Peace, Peace, Peace. I love this channel thank goodness for all that you do Dr. Cater.😇🙏💟
I mean to tell ya, i heard that, ,Doctor, you be cool, have a great time with your great heart, your sweet wife, you tw0 enjoy that weather your going to visit, i agree , i heard that ya feel me, our Doctor can put strength back in my heart to be ok, im sorry how our narcissist folks, got off base, thank ya great comments from go team healthy, plus please keep the great questions coming, thanks my fellowman, we have people in the world, to care so much for any kind of heart ache, our Doctor is one person but he knows how thankful he is to share great encouragement for his fellow neighbors, and the other folks that care, if it wasn't for the great humans, we would all be poison, im sorry how this stuff will take you for a loop, but keep your greatness in your red blood for ever, we have other great humans being born, love my community and there encouragement, i feel ok knowing our Doctor is having his good heart to go on with his family, they will step up and show honor down the family tree,
OMG! I'm a lawyer, defending a person involved with child protective services. . .What you just explained is how they were completely buffaloed by the narcissist's triangulation! He won custody.
There is a chasm disconnect between the Legal profession and Cluster-B specialized Psychologists. Its past time for Lawyers to better access the way human-dynamics are shading "the real story" behind the facts of their cases (especially in Family Courts & Estate Matters).
Absolutely. My wife even turned the family attorney against me and he knew me way before her.
Absolutely beyond nuts when they use kids !
@@secondhorizon Bill Eddy's books are a great resource for legal teams
Justice is always blind and too slow. 50 years later these conversations will make this generation look stupid for not sooner weeding out the narcs
Triangulation is dangerously scary. Total strangers can do this to you and you are left wondering why. Then you realize; any nearby vulnerable person will fit their profile.
If you're a scapegoat at home, there are going to be similar people out in the general public who also see you the same way your abusers see you, or because of the abuse at home, you might put out insecurity signals that similar bullies pick up on.
@@PhilLesh69 Its earie how they can spot victims. Almost as if they share a hive mind that flags people. Any type of weakness is blood in the water.
Makes one paranoid about people which is so tragic. Because how to spot the abuser? I admit I find that really hard even with quite a bit of experience.
@@PhilLesh69 Agreed. This usually starts at home. Many people are “emotionally blind” and don’t see, recognize that those closest to us are the abusers. They dismiss subconsciously because family or friends would never do that in their minds. Often it’s those closest to us that are in a position to do the greatest harm.
@@Blondie77128 absolutely right and I was in complete denial for 40 years about my own mother.
I hope my kids and I can get away from my narc husband. It’s a horrible existence being trapped by a narcissist. They are terrible people and their family members not only enable their behavior they join in on the mistreatment. It’s a depressing and terribly stressful life being abused by them. Lord Jesus help us. 😢
Pray you do! ❤
Seek the Lord's face and may the holy spirit guide you swiftly into safety
Amen 🙏❤🕊🔥
When I learned about triangulation, it opened up a new world for me where you could see a pattern in everything and see who is doing what and why and what they would do next. It also helps me see what part I am playing in it. Not easy to have to take accountability but definitely part of ending the cycle.
@@thesystem6246Not force, allow. I like that.
yes, coming home to personal responsibility is where the wisdom is. What did I do to set this in motion and keep it in motion is the question I ask myself now. That way, I take myself of the blame treadmill.
Before narcissism knocked on the door, I began to think about how #1 played wife & I against each other, starting with ‘forum-shopping’ as a child. As an adult, it began to feel more like alienation of affection. Now, a decade later - and after wrestling with the reality of his narcissism for 2-3 yrs - equanimity has come w/ my decision that his struggle is not mine.
This is SO important. The workplace gives the narcissist very many angles to “play with.” Sadly, “management” and colleagues
are often adeptly manipulated by the narcissist to aid him / her in the dirty game he / she is playing. “Discredit, discredit, discredit” is their unspoken motto, almost always working behind your back. Career-destroyers, and systematic dismantlers of trust, they are toxic in any organisation, whether a private business, government office, church or other charity.
In the workplace managers often become unwitting enablers of the narc.
I had no idea of how destructive narcs were in the workplace, having only experienced their behaviors in personal relationships. But then I was hired by upper management at the same time my "supervisor" was hired. She and her flying monkey protege systematically destroyed the department, pitting people against each other, scheming against anyone they perceived as unmanipulable and uncorruptable for their self-serving and nefarious acts. They both checked every narc box and some anti-social ones. Initially, upper management believed them and especially her, but in the end, after the harassment suits started to be filed, the supervisor was fired. Unfortunately, the protege took her position because of her political connections, and the harassment continued.
The workplace itself is what pays the highest price because eventually it tends to end up with most/all of the healthy workers leaving & just a lot of wack-jobs hanging around...Healthy folks just can't do well in highly toxic environments over the long-term.This literally eventually ruins some businesses & at the least it hurts productivity & profits so it can't function at it's best.
You are all so right. I lost my executive position when working for a medical board because of one narcissist discrediting me behind my back yet nice to my face. He influenced board to not renew my contract due to himself being a flying monkey and he and another narcissist wanted to be in power. This was their way of “winning”. Never mind, it was in the middle of COVID.
Watch out for volunteers too. They can wreck havoc on an organization.
Sounds just like the way my parents would interact with my peers growing up. No wonder I became socially avoidant as an adult. Now I have a word for this - triangulation. It does help to name it, because I wondered for the longest time if I was imagining what was happening. But I've struggled with extremely low self-esteem most of my life. The worst thing they did to me was make me distrust my intuition.
similar story here.
My narc mother used to do this with me _against_ my friends (and/or their parents). She got me to drop a good number of friends as a result.
Your last sentence is so accurate!
I hear you! 🖤💔🖤💔
Learning to believe them and distrust yourself then later in life they can double down on the fact you didn't have it together despite the fact they spent your life picking you apart, paper cut by paper cut
@@MichaelPizThey REALLY tend to get brutal when their kid has a romantic relationship because it scares them 💩-less that they may "lose control to someone else"🙄.For folks that are foolish enough to hang around a narc family system...They usually end up either terrorizing their spouse OR sometimes they may try to tell their spouse that they're a awful person that doesn't deserve them🤢.All you can do is stay away to protect your own family.
A former in-law of mine is a religious narcissist, stylizing himself as some sort of bible sage to collect a group of people who follow his "teachings." When I declined to attend these teachings, he first tried to shame and guilt me into going. When that didn't work, he triangulated with others under the guise of "helping" me. "I'm so worried about so-and-so. He is walking away from God. Please pray for the poor man." One of my friends called me to tell me what the narc was doing. He had called my friend saying he was worried about me and trying to help me, then proceeded to slander me rather viciously on everything from my faith, to my parenting to my girlfriend. Right after my friend told me all this, the narc texted me and told me to give him a call. I replied that I was not up for a phone call today. 30 minutes later, he responded with a text that was one of the nastiest verbal assaults I have ever received in my life, including army boot camp. That was all I needed to know. He could not have given me a more clear sign of what he is, so I blocked him and cut him out of my life permanently.
I would love to be able to go to church and just listen the the Word.......too many self righteous bullies, guilt manipulators, and just plain users.......I don't need the drama.
Well done. Good for you. What a horror story.
I deal with this in a way myself. I am religious myself but keep it personal because it means a lot to me. The narc I deal with is very religious.
I am not as religious as I need to be, but am loyal to my church and its teachings.
It is so hard to stay loyal! Yet I have learned that a saying I heard a lot as a child is so true-- "The church is a spiritual hospital." When I heard that as a kid I had no idea how profound that saying is. Now I do.
The point I am trying to make is please do not let imperfect religious people chase you away from religion. I have found using the Old Testament quote "Let God judge between me and thee" to be the way forward. Just let God sort it all out as you keep following God in humility.
Hang in there. Things do get better even if it appears that they will not.
If you find yourself being made part of a triangle, if it is at all possible (ie you don’t have children with the person or your job is at stake - in these cases you have to be a bit more creative) just pull yourself right out of the triangle (for example if your are in a dating situation and they pit you against someone else). You do not WANT to be in any kind of “relationship” with someone who needs to resort to such childish behaviour. If the other person in the triangle wants to accept this, let them! PS the narcissist isn’t expecting this - they are expecting you to put up a fight for them 🙄🤦♀️
Precisely! 🎯
Yes! They don’t realize you will walk away because you see right through it
Yes, they think mighty highly of themselves and see themselves as a prize to be fought over! Why would I fight to keep a toxic manipulator who creates such conflict in my life? And for that matter, why would I fight to change the opinion of anyone who was so willing to believe lies, half-truths and exaggerations about me? I took one side of the triangle away, and it's going to collapse. With me out of the way, healing and living my own life, they will eventually turn on each other, like crabs in a bucket. Let ‘em duke it out.🥱
Thank you for using the phrase "sell their soul to the devil". That is exactly what I feel my late husband did when he worked so hard to turn the kids against me. My kids and grandkids are permanently estranged now because they believed his lies, which were actually confessions projected onto me. Sad situation.
It is hard, isn't it?
@Nicky The ex husband did exactly the same, poisoned the minds of our children when he did a smear campaign on me.. It back fired on him and he lost his credibility. The truth will come out one day . Never give up.
🤗
Thank you!❤ For sharing. I feel your pain. It does feel unbearable at times God will sustain you. Trust in Him. It does not make it less painful but you can do it!❤️💔❤️
What an evil thing to do. Wishing you all the best. We will all see the truth in the end.
Triangulation was one of the most painful things I went through in my last relationship
Its just a battle every single day with these people!. 🙄😡😥
We have a narcissist who triangulates the entire group. It's soul-crushing.
Yes, they will do this.
Those are known as "tyrants".
My soon to be ex husband used our son to hurt me but ultimately, it has hurt my son far worse. I wish my son could see the deception and break free from being his dad's flying monkey. 😢
Always in competition! Always wanting to be the one who wins 🥇 even if every one else is just trying to relax and have a good time
You just described my wife. She always ruins a good time.
I was frequently recipient to a tactic where I was "set up" by narcissist in front of an innocent party to make myself look bad. I think mostly I saw through it.
My husband confirmed my suspicion of this sort of tactic and I am so grateful he did. For once, there was another person who saw through the nonsense & was willing to support me.
@rosieE121, me too. My sister does it all the time.
My narc sister groomed my kids to act with hostility and disrespect toward me, because she never thought I deserved them. She interfered continuously in my household, triangulating everyone including the kids absentee deadbeat father, to create trouble. Now my kids are adults and they have abandoned me, never call, and don’t give a sheet. They are both extremely hostile toward me, exhibit the same behaviors as their toxic aunt does, and have problems in their personal relationships. Here’s my shocked face : / and my broken heart 💔
These are evil destructive people, and sometimes they’re our own family.
So true
I could see this writing on the wall with my narc family, especially with one particular sister. It is why I went no-contact with her and pretty much all my other siblings 4 years ago. I do not regret it AT ALL.
It's very tragic and sad and heartbreaking as you say but God sees everything and will vindicate us one day.
Sending you big hugs and lots of love and prayers
My mother did the exact same thing with me & my children. I am alone & pretty much shunned as well. Crazy thing too is, one of them literally blames me for things my mother did. It is deeply disturbing. She has connected the dysfunctional behaviors to me, when we used to agree on how her gma acted. Now it's all on me; she is involved in groups that discuss black sheep & lone souls who have suffered, NOT seeing at all how she (they: kids) are perpetuating the same evil behavior. So damn hurtful! I feel you completely! 💔
My brother did this to me. He called my partner behind my back and it was a total character assasination! He tried to label me as negative, miserable, insane! What hurts the most is our dad died and I am away from the family trying to grieve in peace. I can only comfort myself with the fact I will be free of this soon 🙏
Been dealing with this for years, now. Finally got my narcissist out of my life, but now it's like he tried to wage this propaganda war out of some desire to get revenge. It feels really defeating to have people you love turn on you, or change how they view/treat you, based on the lies of a narcissist out for vengeance. The heartbreaking fact is that the narcissist is so good at manipulation, they're probably more believable when they're lying than you are when you tell the truth.
This is my mother's tactics...she's been campaigning against me for years, years. I gave up on having any ralationship with her. She has everyone fooled , but me, her scapegoat. She's evil, I'm a truthseeker.
Yes I understand ❤
They go on about someone to you while your trying to ignore them and then what do they do? They go back to the person they were just talking about and repeat everything they just told you. Except they claim that it was you that said it, and they heard you say it. Disgusting, dirty people!!!
My husband goes to even strangers I may in conversation tell him I like, like at the groc store etc. He will seek that person out then come tell me. I found out my daughter and husband had lied about me from a relative who lives far away. I had no idea there were so many evil depraved people who pretend to care and then turn around and talk badly OUT RIGHT LIE.
Yes, it is difficult not to complain about a narcissist and warn others about their tactics. It's part of our self defense as we need help to stay safe.
I'm pretty much on my own. My husband is dead. For four and a half years my neighbor has been bullying me. I won't help him get the manager fired. My children don't want hear it there is nothing they can do. So they just don't want me to talk about it. .
We are in a similar situation. Trying to trust that God will move them.
@@moebanshee Move!
Yup
Moving is not always an option.
Triangulation ended my contact. Thanks for your insight. Enjoy your holiday.
My triangulation was between my teenage husband and my teenage children. I was the adult. The narc just picked up where he left off with his first family. I had so many situations where I was set up. By contrast time the kids were adult I was stupid, inferior and crazy. That was the narc’s goal: I raised the kids, and he’s the smart fun one. Now I am rid of him. And my kids. And my grandkids. It works out. Twenty years of being inferior means I’m convinced that the only people who can’t be brainwashed into hate are my therapists. There’s a lot to be said for not having anyone to love.
Narcissists and their dirty tactic of "triangulation". Wow! This game ploy is frightening and abysmal. I love the wholesome wisdom and assurance from a James Taylor / Carly Simon Song (?). 🎶"People, they'll hurt you and desert you. They'll take your soul if you let them. Oh, but don't you let them! You've got a friend." My eyes are fixed on You, O Sovereign Lord! Let the wicked fall into their own nets, while I pass in safety. Psalm 141 🕊Amen 🙏
I had to move out of a place she triangulated the whole neighborhood against me.
Now I warn people.
Described my mom perfectly.
This is the best definition of triangulation I have heard. It explains why he was so anxious to meet and cozy up to the leaders in my church. He held a position in his own church but consistently ridiculed my faith and my church. I thought his behaviour odd but now I understand it more clearly.
It's a relentless game strategy by the head honcho narc. It's sickening to be the brunt of it from all angles. Then again no one escapes it in a narcasistic family. All members are labelled and given a role to play in the narcs sick fantasy. The life long distruction and damage between siblings is just disturbing. The best I can do nowadays is keep learning to navigate through the bs until I'm free of the clutches. I could have members following me on social media snap shotting my text. Then I feel well that's just paranoia kicking in. I've nothing to hide and it's all truth. So if that's thier game go for it. You start over thinking because the narc is always playing everyone off against each other, being sneaky, scheming you have zero privacy for your own thoughts. You can't escape the fact growing up in this type of environment that you've always been pitted against everyone else regardless if you're scapegoat, golden child or the babied one that can be evil as f towards the narc themselves and seen by the narc as doing no wrong. Sad fact every child is damaged who's probably learnt some pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms to survive. Then when you learn later on in life if you decide to look at yourself for whatever reason you spend a great portion of your life rumenating and trying to make it all gel. I look back at some of my own behaviours and think oh I understand now. I never knew the term triangulation I just knew forever that my mother hated me with a passion.
It's not that she hates you with a passion. She hates everybody including herself.
My daughter is a narcissist and outwardly very charming and caring. privately will not stop at anything to get what she wants. Result is that she is alienated from entire family. When I tried to speak to her about this, she became very upset and said that she cannot help herself, she has no control over her behaviour because it is a mental health illness, and I refuse to understand. She also said as her parent I should love her unconditionally., regardless. How does one respond to this? I do feel some guilt about the situation, but there seems to be no way of having a safe and healthy relationship with her.
And yes, I am seeing a therapist. Thank you for all the insight you provide. It is very helpful.
This is like a lens inside my toxic family!
I’m amazed at how you always hit the nail on the head. I see the triangulation happen all the time with her family. Especially her brother who happens to also be a narcissist. He’s divorced now because of it. She has tried to triangulate with people in my family but they see right through it. They know me well enough to keep her manipulative behavior in check.
Good family. You are lucky & blessed.
My narcissistic mother has told people in her circle, as well as my husband, children, brother and sisters, that I have alzheimers. I am a highly qualified professional but she constantly tells me she is concerned for me. She is getting more difficult and there are only two of her children talking to her. She bans them from her house and has banned my sons girlfriend who she hardly knows
I know it doesn’t work this way, but, I would love some good “one liners” to stop these people in their tracks. Just have to stay gray, dull and non reactive…cool, calm and collected. It’s work.
I spent a lot of time coming up with snappy answers to common greetings, back when I was working a job that required my presence, but not necessarily my intellect or full attention. Having 30 immediate, creative responses to "What's up?" got me through the day. And often brought at least a smile (if not outright giggles). That was a win for me. I'll have to put some thought to specific, expected comments in order to have "one liner" responses. I'll let you know.
I DID do a vid of non-verbal responses to situations/scenarios with narcissists awhile back. Sorry if most of the rest of the vids there are jokes. It's what I do.
@@aaronkwolfe What is your channel?
Spend some time thinking up things you can say. I find you have to hit back hard or they'll keep on.
Anything very neutral: “interesting”, “oh really?”, I’ve never heard that before”, “seems unlikely”, etc. Said in the most neutral tone possible. Non-reactive language.
Narcissists scratch their itchy-urge to Triangulate ~ like little kids with Chicken-pox scratch their rashes.
its their game strategy 🤮 -its evil!
You said it perfectly well…”itchy-urge”. That’s exactly what it is!
All talk terrible im sorry, but man its my turn, to be rude ,cruel, down right dummy, talk about your sister, your sister has nothing on my robot child sister, it is real the things a person can do, or have no knowledge of hey, am i hurting someone else, my sister will kill ya, and than she would have sex with what other people, girls, boys, me, i dont care what kind of bad character you have, you have stepped on me long enough, mistreat people that love you, feed me to the dogs, your not hurting me no more, my well being is worth peace, not lack of , im sorry you folks are mad, im sorry your family is nuts, im nuts, i dont want to hurt people that bad, take there natural well being, Dear Lord, help our go team healthy, thanks Lord, for people like Doctor Carter and friends, and his neat family, howdy gus
Triangulation is the narcissist's plan B !!! And they always have their plan B ready to put in action. Thank you Dr Carter, now I can laugh about this narrow minded suffocating mentality 😅😅😅 all praise be to God ❤
How is it possible that a narcissist can turn close friends and colleagues against you? And don’t tell me that ”they where never your friends to begin with”. There is some devilish intelligence behind such manipulative skills…
A narc turns your friends, colleagues, and even family against you very slowly and methodically. It's like a Cult Leader grooming their cult followers. It's all covert behind the scenes manipulation and degradation of your character. The dysfunction lies within the group who choose to follow the leader. Their motivation is diverse and can even include fear of retribution from the Cult Leader. Nobody wants to be the odd man out once they see what happens to the target.
It seems they watched too many soap operas during their life of never needing to work. It's not funny.
Right,?? My brother is brilliant in his diabolical plots.
Ah yes, the painful stabs in the back!! And while you bleed, they laugh and are satisfied. Thank you for your teachings❤
About the comparison, they can compare you also with someone they despise.
They can say something like: you are just like that person, you are worse than that person.
They will say that without any reason or context.
I have been hearing things like that from my mother all my life.
My daughter and I have had a difficult relationship since she was 15, but it has reached new lows since she began having children and triangulating me off of their father. I have had to go no contact. It is all too much. Sometimes I wish I could go back and do my life over, without having a kid. It really seems it has been more trouble than it was worth. My daughter has done all these triangulations.
I went through this with my only child. It is heartbreaking, but we have to collect our dignity and put our foot down. I had to do exactly what you did when I realized how she planned to use my grandchildren against me. Since we’re 1500 miles apart, I have no control over what she does nor how she chooses to teach her kids. I have had the same thought about not having a kid. I had five miscarriages before finally giving birth to her.
I'm 71 and my daughter is 41, she also turned my grandchildren against me.Tomorrow is my freedom day! I'm not only going to block her calls, she will never be allowed in my vehicle again after burning my seat with a cigarette three times and telling me it was accident .And the icing on the cake was when I told her I may have to go to the hospital because she was affecting my heart with all this stress.Her response was, who cares take me home first.. I was praying for my prodigal daughter to get in touch with me, be careful what you pray for. Now I will pray for all the parents that have narcissistic children to have total peace in their life and freedom from the drama! Lord knows we need it!!
OMG!! You said it! There are many times I wish the same thing. I thought bcuz of my true nature, I birthed allies; none the wiser, I was literally making my own future enemies! Who would go on to learn from the best (worst) narc herself... my mother!! Helping to only abuse me more & continuing the ugly, evil, cycle, when in their minds, their "breaking it." Go figure... Smh 🥺
@@debshaw4537 God bless you, Deb. I know how hard this is!
@@lynn4292 God bless you. The peace is stunning now. I do like it, even if it still feels a bit weird. I cannot see myself going back around them now. Thank God.
I have been through this
I have been triangulated upon. Thank you for putting a name on it. Thank you !
The saddest is when your kids are dragged into this bullshite.
My Dad does this. He goes to each family member with his twisted thinking and creates division. What I don't understand is why they listen to him. This has had me trying to figure out what I've done wrong all these years as to why my sister won't communicate.
Every bit of this is spot on and crushed me when I recognized it in the people I thought I was closest to. But having it recognized has helped in ways I couldn’t imagine. Bless.
“Nothing can replace your good character” thank you Dr Carter. Your videos have been such a lifeline many times on my journey and you are definitely a blessing to us from the universe. Blessings back to you!
The narc mum did this with the whole family. Pathetic and disgusting. Smh.
Same happened to me. I’m sorry- it sucks.
The narc at work used the unapproachable comment even though I would seek her out to help her, then she moved on to the silent treatment and triangulation. I’ve work there for 6 years but since she’s been there suddenly the rumor mill and whispers about me are at an all time high. The inside jokes and bullying is infantile and interferes with our job, yet she seemed to fixate on me immediately and continues to do so 2 years later.
Devastating when a mother does this to her 2 kids. Horrid. Pitted my brother & I so successfully we haven't spoken for over 30 yrs. They also triangulated each other to me. I was too young & naive to understand it till too late.
My mother and whole family triangulated my whole life..rotating the victims.. I was the recipient often because I tried to change it…I was cast out most of my life.. until I realized that I’m healthy away from them! They eventually imploded those relationships and divided up. For many years I questioned whether I was the problem because I just didn’t fit. Now I see I chose healthy. They gaslit and blamed. After 11 years I reconnected only to be love bombed and lied to and left as I was seeing the setup being created to blame me for a lie told in secret. I feel free but man.. my head spins wondering if I’m like them because the torment messed me up in my sense of self.. I entered counselling again to sort it out again.
The Truth Will Out
They use people. They use people to their advantage (in their minds). They use the supply person by mistreating them (abuse) and treat others normally / kindly and groom others (brainwashed flying monkeys) who they will use later to "verify" how they are right and good person when dealing with the supply person (victim). They will do so even in front of the clueless people being used (who could be your children) and that causes serious character assassination and alienation. I lived it and my daughter has not spoken to me in 5 years. God willing, my next attempt to communicate with her will be successful at restoring our relationship.
Be very careful and aware if your daughter comes back into your life. After eight years of my daughter went no contact , and wouldn't let me have any contact with my granddaughters she came back into my life. She needed me. Once the need was passed she kicked me to the curb again. Now I'm cut off from her two youngest kids. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me again, shame on me. I won't give her the chance to use me again. I can't say she won't hurt me again, what she has done will hurt until the day I die.
They can’t survive without a back up plan.
Sickening and pure evil. I've sacrificed my whole life for my siblings, yet my sister managed to turn all my siblings against me. They're all evil and I hope they get what's coming sooner than later. Everything that's done in the dark will come to light. Im just happy this happened now and I can see their true scummy colours
This is so wrong for you to have be put through this. Family situations like this are so hurtful. You keep you head up. You are not alone. Many people go through this and it feels like it is just you. 🙏
@@brg2743 You're right, it helps to remember I'm not alone in this. Thank you sm
Triangulation worked pretty well in the school yard. Unfortunatly for the narcessist, children become self aware adults who are able to connect to other adults in a healthy way, where as mentally, the narcessist remains in the school yard. If you don't stoop down to the school yard bullies level, their play ground tactics will expose them immediatly. If you have healthy long lasting friendships with mature people, you have nothing to worry about. It's something a narcessist can't comprehend and is prone to underestimate.
Precious little Gus. ❤
It is really hard to over write the conniving narcissists lies.
Thank you! With this personality there are no allies! It is impossible to "agree" with someone who creates and thrives on conflict! The amount of time and energy covering up the fragile ego boggles my mid!
You get it, Craig.
Narcissistic people will always put down their partners in front of their friends to elevate their low self esteem,it is super ugly and it hurts like hell and it is so degrading because it renders one speechless at times coming out of the mouth of the one you live😮😢big character flaw and will never change I swear...😮
They can’t address you directly but talk to a third person about you while you’re standing right there. They reframe and redefine you right there. I couldn’t nor wouldn’t even think of doing that.
It's amazing how resourceful (?) They can be. I don't have it in me to fight with fire. It may come to that some day, but I will be prepared to hightail away permanently.
That's exactly what my mate did to me but in a joking way so that later when I confronted him he could deflect it off as joking around. If I confronted his insults in front of anyone he'd lightheartedly dismiss my anger as hormonal with a slight grin mixed with a victim expression and the onlooker would feel he had a point not me. The only way to win was to say nothing because he delighted in me getting hurt by him and nobody knew it but me. So diabolical.
All of this happened to me in my marriage! Sad to know this is happening to others
The man I just broke up with did this to me..after 2.5 yrs to my child whom I am estranged with. He made it look like he was "ssoooooo concerned" I said that he'd crossed a line and I said I didn't want to see him anymore. He got in his truck and drove away! I changed my locks and feel sooo much better!
Dr. C. I thank God for you. This video was so on point. The three narcissist in my life just displayed every narcissistic trait you just described in this video. They have turned everyone against me. I don't have a support system. They have taught people to hate me. It's so hurtful.
Get friends in a different social circle than they are in.
My best friend started sending me Dr. C’s CZcams videos. She found them on her own because she was struggling with her narcissistic husband, without knowing that he was a narcissist until she started watching these videos. She told me about them and then started sending me the links. When I watched the first video, I agreed with every statement Dr. C was saying . It took me about a month to finally realize and accept
that my husband is a true narcissist. I didn’t want to believe it at first, but when every video that I listened to made me feel like someone understood what I was dealing with, I was in denial no longer. Thank you Dr. C
You're very welcome, I'm pleased to be on the path with you...and your friend!
Mom's favorite tactic. Unfortunately for her she didn't raise two dummies -my sister & me (and our Dad) get along just fine.
This makes me sick. The worst behavior. One of the worst behavior they have sickens me.
Calling her out for calling our 90 year old mom filthy and disgusting names in a rage, the 18 years younger half-sister vowed to "get even" and make sure even my grandchildren had nothing to do with me. She very successfully set out to target me with all the relatives, friends, minister and even mother when she had a stroke so that mother signed 100% of her estate over to her--in spite of being a poster girl for elder abuse. Involving adult protective services when mother was in rehab really upped the lies for her with false charges on me when I was dealing with mother possibly dying. I hope there is a Hell for this person.
Yep! Constantly "playing" Team Healthy off of others and any "others" will absolutely do! Sad, but true. Routine bad behavior many just can't help not perpetuating, over and over again!
Dr Les Carter, your knowledge and truthful presentation of nasty narcissistic ways to constant manipulation is staggering. I so much appreciate your online help in such an approachable and so communicative way. Thank you for you contribution to expose narcs in such a civil and to the point ways. How good is to have you online. You make such a difference .God bless you Doc for being balanced and so helpful for us.
Proxy By Triangulation is an indirect dynamic of communication and behaviors involving more than two people that are unhealthy and unwholesome. The trademarks of triangulation are covert operation, deceit and abuse. The simple definition of triangulation is: one individual attacking, discrediting (smearing) and/ or abusing another person with the use of third-party people or institutions.
How is it that I have some kind of sign on my head that says:
"If you are a Narcissist? Come on over and destroy me."
Mother in law,
Sister,
Sister in law,
And now, my brother.
Each took about 14 years of my life...
Now, at 58? I just got my first dog. A Golden Retriever.
At least the dog won't hurt me...
Hi Dr. C, and Everyone,
It occurred to me as I was listening that parental alienation is a form of triangulation, as well.
I always think of triangulation as forming a tri, or 3 person setup, with 2 people against one another, to one person's benefit.
However, the triangulation I'm currently experiencing divorcing my soon to be ex narc of 4 decades, has to do with him and my 4 adult children.
It's just the most painful experience I've ever been through, excluding the (non) relationship with him.
Very difficult to hold my new found peace, but letting God fight my battles, and engaging and not engaging, using the wisdom of Dr. C, is what is helping me.
Again, my thoughts and prayers are with everyone in this bittersweet community.
God Bless You.
Thank ya comments, thanks for your prayer
Yes, it is (attempted) triangulation. Children often know lies and have asked "why did you do this?" and I would tell them truth, that I didn't do it. They believed me because they had opportunity to know me well enough to trust me. Even as the ex tried hard to destroy my communication with them. The legal system was definitely pulled into the triangulation attempts, harming the children emotionally.
It’s such a difficult situation. My heart is with you
Ohh do I hear you. Dr. C. is an immense help. There is a great big family and sense of community here. If you catch the livestream its a great opportunity to connect even more. 🥰 Keep doing what you’re doing and keep coming back here. You’ve got this. 💪❤️
@SurvivingNarcissism
Thank you so much, Dr. C,
I've learned so much from you; gratitude, humility, dignity, etc.
You are such a blessing in this world.
From the first day I found you, I thought how beautiful to be living and fulfilling your purpose and destiny in life.
Although I'm 63 years old, I am optimistic and grateful for whatever the Lord has in store for me.
You and the beautiful souls in this community, are part of the reason why I feel this way.
We deserve dignity, respect, and civility, and we deserve to live Our lives now, not somebody else's, which is what we were doing.
We all have it within us to do that, and I have no doubt that with Dr. C and each other, that is exactly what we will do.
Godspeed, and Gid Bless.
This is exactly what I've been dealing with amongst my own family and in my current work place.
You sure said it, Dr. Carter at the end, about my good character finally showing through. Ever since I started watching your videos it's given me the tools to battle against these nefarious individuals. No longer do I let them get under my skin and make me out to look like the problem.
Thank you again!
I realise now that is what happened to me in my early career. When I was hairdressing, especially as a junior. The Boss, when she had had enough digs at me, used to talk about me to the clients to try and make me feel inferior like saying I was lazy or incompetent. I spent most of the time I worked there feeling not good enough and nearly gave up altogether. I put up with it coz I neede the job. I eventually left and became a mobile hairstylist which I did for a good number of years till I had children and life happened!
I hear you! You endured a lot for a long time and you will still handle whatever comes your way. ❤️ You’re a champion! 💪🥇
@tbunnyshy1 Thank-you. That's so kind for you to say. It's yet another form of narcissistic abuse that I didn't realise I'd endured. Take care 🙏❤️
My ex came onto two of my friends right under my nose on two different occasions. When one of these friends told me what he had done I was shocked and of course he denied it and then I got same story from the other friend some time later so once again I confronted him. He then told me both of these women had played up to him etc. so in the end I did lose trust in him and my friends didn’t visit when he was around. He lied and lied and wanted my friends to stay away. He found a way to destroy trust and allways wanted to remain in control at any cost. He told me I would never win. I got away but our daughter has not as yet. Pray she will. It’s very hard to see the damage he is doing.
I no longer play that game.
This has infiltrated into the healthcare workplace systems that use agency staff were I’ve moved. No matter which facility I go to work at, it’s well stocked with agency staff and the triangulation and smear campaign continues.
It’s very sad as it’s used on the resident patients as well, I hear it.
What can be done, this cannot continue.
And from triangulation comes scapegoating. That's what happened to me.
The rule I use is: if someone goes to you and talks about someone, they will go to someone and talk about you.
Hi Dr. C, being raised by a Narcissistic, volatile father and a submissive mother, I continued my life with low confidence and self esteem, which let to poor choices in life. I'm 65 and have had 3 failed marriages and 1 long term relationship. I have 4 children with my first husband, who left because he wasn't the focus of attention anymore and found a girl 16 years his Younger. This just set up a pattern in me, due to an extreme fear of being alone, where I would just latch on to anyone who would make me feel secure until it too fell apart. All of these men were emotionally detached. I find myself now to be very needy and beaten. I don't want to be a target anymore for abuse and develop control over my emotions with good boundaries. Im ashamed of the path my life took.
I "Reject" him by complaining or questioning him and he starts saying how I've been a terrible Mom Destroyed our son and hinting our son hates me, so basically if I reject him he puts in the fear of my feeling rejected by who matters most. What I don't understand is if I feel rejected or that I'm upsetting someone I feel sad, I fear losing them and so I try to do better or risk annoying them by saying " Hey am I rubbing you wrong" it makes no sense to go " Oh they're maybe rejecting me, I better act like a real jerk!"
The narc in my spouse’s and my life would use triangulation with each of to drive us apart. When we compared notes, we realized what he was doing and immediately went no contact.
Yes, totally. Nothing can replace our good character. Our best weapon is to distance ourselves from their contamination and the third parties will eventually 'see' with different eyes.